#i went thru the worst month/stress of my entire life and I feel so alone

[darksber]

my irl depression has gotten so bad to the point where I just wanna crawl back to dumblr

[bon-nii]

Sorry for spam reblogging from u but im very mad about episode 3 and ur blog conveyed pretty much everything i couldn't scream at my anime only fans friends

Omg hey anon don't worry about it, no need to apologize!! Honestly it makes me happy when I see people spam reblog from me like "damn ur going thru it too then?" 😭 My blog and inbox are always open for whatever <3

Glad you could find a voice thru all my TPN shitposts and reblogs. I know what it's like to be SUPER OBSESSED with something that none of your friends are obsessed with so you can't share it with anyone and then feel like you are gonna explode lmfao

Here are some thoughts I have about episode three below the cut. It got a bit long but I'm really passionate about this series aaaaa:

From an anime-only standpoint, I think it was a great episode. It lures the viewer into a false sense of security, only to drop two massive bombshells on them--the "Help" room and the call from William Minerva. From a manga standpoint, what the FUCK is going on!?

We have known for awhile now that the anime is going to change things up, so I have been trying to separate the anime from the manga a bit, in terms of plot and execution. I am not against this idea, but I am not really for it either. I think it is too early to determine whether this is a good call or not, but I'm not necessarily hopeful lol. But if done right, I think this anime-only thing could be a great addition to the story.

Unless they are fuckin, rewriting the ENTIRE story, I can't possibly imagine a reason why they would omit both Yuugo AND Goldy Pond--two of the most beloved and favorite things from the series.

Yuugo is everyone's favorite trash uncle, we all love his goofy ass, but I think a lot of people forget that he serves a very explicit and important purpose for the narrative. He represents what Emma could become if her plans, ideals, and dreams cost her everything. He is the second big challenge to Emma's ideals (the first being Isabella, the third being Norman). I really, REALLY would not understand why they would remove him, if they remove him.

There is a lot of disinformation going around about the anime, so much that nobody really even knows what is disinformation and what is real. There's this idea going around that they cut GP and Yuugo entirely from the anime, and people are spreading this like it's fact. It's not, we simply do not know what they plan to do from here. I understand why everyone is panicking, I'm lowkey panicking too because Yuugo is so near and dear to my heart, but I think in the heat of the moment there has been a bit of an overreaction. Just my opinion though, but I think it is way too early to tell if this will be good or not. I think we will know after episode 4

If Yuugo will be introduced, I think it is highly likely that they will have him show up at the bunker at some point and discover the kids, rather than the other way around. This would add a lot of suspense--imagine, the kids see some unknown figure entering the bunker from the monitors? Imagine being Yuugo, walking into the bunker, thinking you are completely alone. His mental state is extremely fragile, he is severely suicidal, he has nightmares and lives his life constantly haunted by the ghosts of his family...and now he is hearing children's voices and laughter when he enters the bunker??? YIKES!!!

Yuugo's intro in the manga was FIRE, but it probably didn't have the level of suspense that the anime was looking for. There isn't really any build up except for the one or two panels before they find him where Emma hears noises behind the door. (I think his intro had suspense at the time it was published because he was introduced as a cliffhanger at the end of volume 6, and then the manga went on a two month hiatus and everyone was like "ayo who tf is that guy?!?!??!")

Right before Yuugo dies, he thinks back on that day, the day he "failed to die". In this flashback, we see that he was out gathering food, came back to the bunker, had a mental breakdown, and was going to shoot himself, but was interrupted by the kids arriving at the shelter. So, he was out of the bunker before they met. The things that make me nervous about this theory: the moldy cookies, the empty garden, and the letter pinned to the wall.

Don't get your hopes up that this is going to happen. Speaking from experience as someone who went through both the great BBC Sherlock season 4 meltdown and the great Voltron meltdown, if you get in too deep with theorizing to the point where you become convinced that *this specific thing* is going to happen, it's probably going to come back to bite you in the ass BIG TIME and it is going to ruin the series and the love you have for it entirely. For the sake of sparing myself that stress, I am going to assume the worst case scenario, which is that this doesn't happen and they fuck everything up. I love this series but I am not going to revert back to my Sherlock and Voltron mental state for it lmfao

If worst comes to worst, we have the manga. That's it. We have the original story and that's what matters. It exists, whether the anime adapts it or not. Yeah it will suck if they don't adapt it, but it won't destroy the manga's story, y'know? Yuugo will be here for us to love, regardless of what form he is in. They will never be able to take bunker dad from us lol

I do have other thoughts concerning the phone call, and what that might mean about James, Norman, and Lambda, but this is getting way too long and the mass majority of the concern is about Yuugo and GP so I'll leave it at this. Heads up guys, no matter what happens, it's not the end of the world. Don't let whatever happens ruin this series for you.

I hope that I was maybe able to help you feel better about everything? Thank you again for visiting, for the reblogs and taking the time to inbox me, it really means a lot to me!! Feel free to spam me anytime! 💕 :>

[doomednarrative]

2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough. 

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine. 

But anyways. Here we go: 

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms. 

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good. 

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer. 

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice. 

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound. 

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger. 

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life. 

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time. 

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me. 

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me. 

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out? 

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account. 

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks. 

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least. 

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad. 

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system.  And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present. 

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot. 

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit. 

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February. 

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard. 

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds. 

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments. 

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store. 

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them. 

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night. 

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good. 

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that. 

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part. 

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it. 

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come. 

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that. 

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around. 

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year. 

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do. 

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances. 

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride. 

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do. 

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just. 

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far. 

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018. 

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year. 

[ridewindingrivers]

Reading old journal entries is such a goddamn mind fuck at times. Other times I sob at the beauty of how happy I felt with every component of my life and how much has changed. I’m going to put this out into the void because it’s helping me to think and remember aspects of life and figure out what the fuck is happening right now (and what I want). Read if you like, it’s a lot to handle, and a very long text post. Sorry, I just needed to time warp and figure out where things went south. You might be upset I put this out there, and it might make your feelings more complicated, but I need this.

Fucking hell, from a post in December 2014, “I really just got to thinking how much I enjoy his company, him as a person; and recognized my yearning for the trail and that I don’t want anyone else by my side except him. Making me laugh, giving me encouragement, teaching my new ways to live outdoors, and sharing the vast wilderness craving with. ... It’s a bonding, friendly, sexing, tender, safe, calming, steady, engaging love. A deeper love.”

That time that Nana caught me snacking in the kitchen and talked to me about how she and Nanu don’t remember too much anymore (this was back in 2014). She sat at the table, put all my rings on, and laughed with me.

The time Dr. R got cancer and we paddled an entire river system together. He is cancer free.

Those times where we buckle down and get shit done. When my ambition is through the roof to the point of being unrealistic and then I’m brought back down to the ground.

Working through hurdles and understanding how to effectively communicate emotions - frustrations, gratitude. Realizing that love can be like that sometimes.

Moving into 2015...

The Duluth trip during spring break - in all its snowy, falling in a ditch, glory.

When I finally came to terms with all the bullshit with my dad. And cried about it at a bar with my best friend. Then drank beers together about it. Thanks L. I remember exactly where we sat, our orientation, and how raw that moment was.

“I crave him and as much as it scares me, it’s so goddamn exciting to have found something so wonderful to share with a very special person.” 

When Dr. Graves approached me at Science on Tap and told me that I have to do what is best for my growth as a scientist and continue to learn from other people.

The Michigan Entomological Society meeting and the Natural History workshops in Maine. <3 There are some good citations in here from the meeting... ooo

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 HUDSON BAY ADVENTURE <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

The flowers and fabulous welcome home sex.

Coming to realize that what makes me happy is having my own space - we haven’t had our own time or space in what feels like a year. That is a problem. 

The fleas at the friend’s house.

Colorado vacation - visiting RMNP and CSU before GRADUATING and moving out of the UP. The worst decision if I’m bein’ real.

Moving into 2016...

Being crammed in a room together with no way to express ourselves or DO OUR OWN THING. “Ever since we moved here, I feel we have been out of sync. One thing the summer and this past fall has taught us is that had it MADE when we were living at the Longyear apartment.” - still tru; maybe this is where things started to unravel....

The breakdown. The struggle to find employment.

“I’m tired of feeling anxious for the next step. Tired of feeling like “we have to get through this.”

“I feel discarded and tossed to the sharks.”

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 Meerakat came into our lives  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

“Feeling crappy about my body.”

“Since we started at this job, we haven’t had time to do much of anything we enjoy and I think that caused us to feeling a little disconnected from who we are as individuals and to some extent - a couple.”

When my coworkers gave me a goodbye card. <3

I was awarded Honorable Mention for the NSF Graduate Research Fellowship Program. 

I tipped the kayak...

Birding, naturalizing out at Otis and the morel feast we had.

“We both have different  ways of dealing with leaving and it’s causing us to clash. I’m having mild doubts but I hope it’s just in my head. I feel bad for pursuing this. I’m trying to be encouraging and show some cool things, but it doesn’t feel like it helps or makes a difference.” Here. Red flag. Past me, why didn’t you listen? Your sense of adventure was going strong.

Planting potatoes, pulling garlic mustard, and going to the Polar Bear with Nanu and Nana.  <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Feeling like I don’t fit in at home and how I shouldn’t be a part of the family. I thought we built our own little family.

“I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and it’s affecting our relationship.” Working on this one - it’s time.

The Dune Saloon and all it’s tasty beers and whitefish-ness. 

Floatin’ down the Boise Riva!

“Peak homesickness has struck.” But we drove to Oregon and had a fan-fucking-tastic time.

“I’m so thankful he is here.”

Planning to thru the AT. - Still an ambition. Or at least a long trail. All the long trails!

2017...

When McNair sent me packages to my apartment in Boise. <3 I felt so loved.

My frustrations with the people in the department and their fuckin’ egos.

“Today was: the last day of my first year of graduate school, stressful, annoying, aggravating, distracting.” 

“I would rather do small scale projects if I was more into them. If I thought of them myself.”

Ha, my feminine product usage data. A++!

Frontier Ruckus at the Neurolux for our anniversary.

Our butterfly collection outings in the foothills and mountains.

Biking to Harris Ranch and Lucky Peak.

Sunset Mountain.

“There were lots of butterflies out and I really wanted to chase them and have fun out there, but I felt bad doing that. I feel bad being me sometimes.” -The signs of an unhealthy relationship with your advisor...or inappropriate enthusiasm. 

“I feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I’m in a heavy depression, feel guilty for bringing him out here and away from home, feel guilty because he could be doing something else. I feel so bad all of the time and it fucking sucks. I want him to be happy and then I can be happy. Fuck. I hope all of this pays off in the end...”

Going to Michigan was a disaster.

“I have an uncontrollable desire to use this feeling of unhappiness and discomfort to motivate me to finish sooner. Do my shit and get on with my life.”

The note you wrote me on our three year anniversary that made “my heart tingle.” “I love falling asleep next to you, warm and safe, and I love waking up with you by my side. I cherish everyday with you because I never knew it could be this good. You are my soulmate, you’re my one and only.” What happened to this feeling? All I ever did was love you for you and love only you. I saved every single note you ever wrote to me. They are reminders of your strong, consistent love.

All of the lizards I would see out in the desert.

“I got angry drunk. I never get angry drunk. I legitimately think that being out here and unhappy has and is changing my attitude and body chemistry.”

“I decided to drop out of graduate school. It feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.”

Sawtooths, pronghorn, Bar Garnika, and Box Lake.

“I’m fricken pumped and ready to move back.”

When we drove through a storm that was literally pouring buckets in the Subaru with everything we own. Little Meera did so well.

Backpacking PIRO. Didn’t have the romantic appeal I was going for when I proposed the idea, but still a grand time none the less.

Superior Hiking Trail with Laurel and Coops <3

2018...

“I need to find a sense of self and figure out some kind of purpose. He leaves for camp in two months and I will be here alone. I have become disconnected from me and that makes me sad.” I think this is a result of no alone time to just be in stillness, like we had before.

A note from February, “Let’s continue those traditions together. Let’s do it all together. Let’s keep climbing mountains together, let’s keep walking trails. Let’s keep swimming in lakes, let’s keep skipping rocks. Let’s keep the wonder alive. Let’s do it all together.” - somehow I feel like I have let you down. I want to do all of these things together. “The future is daunting, sometimes the path is unclear. But if we hold on tight, we’ll hold each other together. And that is what gives me strength to face the future. You and me, me and you, US TOGETHER (with little Meera). Emily, I love you with everything I’ve got. We can face whatever comes our way. We are strong, a top tier red belt power couple.” Your words. Does this still mean anything? What happened between then and now? I know your job is tough, I know how much you love freedom. I’m happy you are free now and able to experiment and figure things out. But what about all of these words and memories? Surely that can’t be erased or forgotten because of one month apart or a cute new face to talk to. 

I’m hurt, confused, lonely, surrounded by literally everything that reminds me of you and thinking about forgetting our past HURTS! I don’t want to! I want a future with you. You’re my guy and I support you through everything. Even this decision, which I totally understand. I hope you manage to figure out your thoughts and feelings.

“My head is spinning.”