#i wasnt sure if i should post this but i refuse to feel shame :)

[geck-motj]

going on a rant about identity bc i have no one else to talk to .-.

i feel like i copped out in regards to identity and just landed in “queer” which i like because it gives me freedom to be what i want, but i also want to know who i am and thus i need to define myself. like i think im aroace because what the fuck even is attraction? theres no definition for that, like what is romantic attraction? describe it without using “butterflies in your stomach” like no im anxious that doesnt work. and also i just like being close to people in a way that transcends romanctic or sexual relationships. ive heard the term qpr but i cant exactly proposition that w a friend i really like, i feel like they wouldnt get it. because its still a relationship that must be defined.

i spent a good portion of my highschool years worrying over identity (thought i was lesb, then bi, then ace and also started wondering about gender which was just not a fun can of worms) and i do not want to go through ThAT again. still cant help but wonder if i know who i really am. i mean i think im ace even tho i like sex and im aro because i like the colour scheme. (joking). as for gender… its just queer. its just something. im masc and both a man but not a man because who the fuck knows. so yeah this was confusing. not sure where i was going with this. oh also i know i mentioned this before that i was very obtuse to norms growing up so like i have a lot of trouble deciphering if smth i do can be perceived as romantic but at the same time i dont care bc this is just me showing love

anyways listen to gender envy by moon bxy, they/them/theirs by worriers, and trapped in the thought of free by faith marie

[maccreadysimp]

breaking down this anti-ian article bc it bothers me ( from the child of a bipolar mother and a male teen with same sex attraction ) while also providing valid reasons ian sucks ( from someone who likes ian )

ive had this drafted for a while so i dont think i cover anything from season 11

tw for i^cest and r^pe

he was with a married man

in this point it points out that he was with kash and he continued his relationship with kash even after linda put cameras in the store

“Ian didn't seem to care about how wrong his affair with Kash was or how much it could hurt Kash's wife Linda, whom he saw at the store regularly. “

that is a quote from that part.

ian gallagher was fifteen in season one, kash was an older man who bought him gifts and payed attention to ian ,, that was not on ian , none of that was ian fault because he was a child

ian wasnt open with lip

“ Ian didn't tell Lip about his preferences and forced Lip to figure it out on his own. Lip was instantly accepting of his brother's truth and even offered to help him figure out any confusion he might be harboring, so it's really strange that Ian wasn't just upfront with his closest confidant from the start.”

no , lip wasnt forced to figure it out on his own and he also wasn’t instantly accepting.

in this point it mentions that ‘they’re extremely close ( bestfriends and brothers ) so its strange ian didnt tell him’

like point 1 , ian is a fifteen year old boy, growing up on the southside , and thoughout the show it has mentioned multiple times that the southside isnt that accepting

back to lip -- lip wasnt accepting, sure he was fine but ‘helping your younger brother figure it out’ by having a (female) classmate give him a blowjob isnt helping

he secretly dated his best friends brother

“Most friends have an unspoken rule about not dating each other's siblings, but Ian broke this rule by secretly entering into a relationship with Mandy's closeted brother Mickey.”

the only thing i have to say about this is , he was still with kash and mickey was a boy in his age group who was gay , growing up in the southside ian probably thought he was the token gay so of course hes going to chase after mickey

he stood by as kash attacked mickey

“Ian didn't do anything to stop Kash from shooting his new lover, and didn't even tell the police about his boss' over-the-top display of jealous action so proper justice could be served.”

okay. because two men he had fallen for had gotten into a fight, there was a gun involved and he panicked, in the end after mickey got shot he went to him

now to address the quote, he didnt say anything to the police because he probably knew that that would bring shame onto kash and his family, along with mickey and his family who are very homophobic

oh yeah and it was like 2011 and cops suck and THEY LIVE ON THE SOUTHSIDE

he and lip tried framing terry milkovich

oh the homophobic and racist dad of his boyfriend and bestfriend who tried to kill him and r*ped his daughter ?

yeah , shit man , that was real bad they shouldn’t have done that /s

he dated jimmy-steves married father

“Ian didn't bother telling Jimmy the truth about his father and didn't end his relationship with Lloyd upon finding out that he had a secret wife and family, either.”

at this point ian is probably sixteen but that doesnt matter bc i wont even address that

he met him at a club and then used his relationship with ned to make mickey jealous which was one of the reasons he kept seeing him, he didnt tell jimmy-steve about the relationship or his father bc he shouldnt find out from him he should find out from his father , again like kash, ned was an older man who payed attention to ian and ned later did develop feelings feelings for ian

he stole lips identity to enlist in the army

he enlisted because he didnt know what to do with himself, its implied/stated that the army timeline was the start of his bipolar

“While impersonating Lip, Ian had tried to steal a helicopter and then proceeded to go AWOL.”

this is because of the bipolar he suffers from, it is referenced later in the series after he gets back and hes manic

ian refused to accept being bipolar

of course he didnt accept it, it is made very clear that his family thinks lowly of monica so of course if hes the lucky duck to get what his siblings demonize her for, of course he’ll not want to be it

“He refused to take medications that could alter his personality or mood.”

okay. this is why im making this whole post, this goes along with part 15 ( or so idk ) ,,

my mother , my dear mother, who is bipolar and doesnt take her meds because they are mood altering , my mom doesnt take med because she told me once that they make her feel like shit, she told me that a little after i was born she started taking them but realized she felt nothing, she felt nothing for my dad or for i ( making her numb )

she told me anti deppresents dont help either because when shes on them and manic it pushes her past productive and into angry

my dad told me that when my mom was on bi polar medication she would seem angry most of the time

he wasnt faitful to mickey

“Ian's bipolar disorder made him very reckless and impulsive and led him to be unfaithful.”

lets break that down.

ians. bipolar. disorder.

this plot point i actually didnt like, mainly bc ian never addresses it so ill give the article a point. but then i take away 2 because they have more of a problem with his bipolar messing with him rather than the fact he never apologized and they never worked it out

ian stole yevgeny

before i start quoting i should mention because his boyfriend, who has supported and helped him is suddenly telling him he needs help, he was helping raise yev so he’ll see yev as his own

“Ian failed to recognize just how crazy he was acting...”

cuting you off right there , he was in a bipolar state, he wasnt ‘crazy’ and isnt ‘crazy’

he cant even keep count of his number of partners

just slutshaming i see

he helped throw frank off a bridge

“His relationship with Frank was understandably never the same after that, as Frank struggled to get over this act of betrayal and cruelty.”

‘was never the same after that’ frank never liked ian, ian was probably his least favorite and that point is very apparent

also , it wasnt just ian , his siblings and his boyfriend caleb

he left a healthy relationship to be with mickey

he fell in love with mickey at 15 , mickey was a comfort and always someone to fall back on, when mickey was taken away and no longer in the picture his heart still obviously was with mickey and when mickey came back he didnt know what to do

he told mickey he had a boyfriend but because mickey has been such a constant in his life he finally has back of course he couldnt resist

he liked trevor, i could tell he did but trevor wasnt the one he watched get r^ped by a russian prostitute, he wasnt the one ian was secretly dating bc it would be a death wish other wise, he wasnt the one there when ian was manic or depressive ( at the start )

he tried blackmailing an old client for money

“Instead of raising the money in an honest manner, Ian chose to visit an old client from his time working at the Fairy Tail and blackmail him into funding the shelter.”

because he felt indebted to trevor and wanted to make it up to him, it would have taken longer to do it in ‘an honest manner’ when his sister would have gotten it instead, he knew how much gay youths like he once was needed a safe place

“He grew up wanting to be nothing like his father, but this whole money-making scheme was straight out of the Frank playbook”

because thats all he knows, he grew up with that ‘playbook’ so of course hes going to take a page out of it, he is nothing like frank , franks money making schemes are selfish and for his own greed while ian wanted the money to help build a safe space for lgbt youth

he let fame inflate his ego

of course he did, hes a southside kid who was destined to fail

also it is very apparent that during the gay jesus era he went off his medication which didnt help

“Before long, he just completely forgot about his ex and focused solely on being a deity”

as much as yes, he did let it mess with his head, he was trying to still help lgbt youth and was going against anti gay churchs , in the end it didnt work out for him because he was off his meds and went over board

he stopped taking his meds

see previous point and ‘ian refused to accept being bipolar’

he actually wanted to stay in prison

because he was doing good in there

ian was helping others and was spreading awareness about lgbt with in the prison , and as him and jail scenes go , we can see people were listening to him and he was trying to make it safe sane and consensual

he let down his army of followers

“Ian admitted that most of his actions were completely irrational and the mere results of his bipolar disorder.”

he didnt want to, we can see this, because he knew he would let down everyone, his family were the only ones to ever ground him and they knew it would be the best option for his own mental health

during the gallavich wedding we can see that a lot of his supporters still have his back because they must know how hard it was for him to put all of that success on something he can’t control

he constantly wasted his potential

this is actually the only point in this article i actually agree with , so only 1/20 i agree with

his relationship with mickey wasn’t actually great

“Mickey spent the first several years of their relationship denying his feelings for Ian.”

he was raised by a homophobic and racist father who he knew would react the way he did when terry had caught the two that one day

“Even after he finally embraced his true self, Ian's bipolar disorder kept them from becoming truly happy together.”

yes but mickey was there for him the entire time and helped him through it, he told him he loved him which was really big for him and did his best to care for him

“They couldn't seem to remain faithful to each other for more than a few weeks.”

back to the point about ians bipolar but for mickey he wanted monogamy , now that scene in s11 may say otherwise but it is very clear that he wants a monogamous relationship with ian and ian ( after getting help ) wants one too, and in the later seasons they are monogamous

“When Mickey asked Ian to run away to Mexico with him, Ian refused.”

he wanted to, it’s obvious, but ian has his family and didnt want to abandon them again, i think part of him knew he would see mickey again because they always find eachother, he gave mickey all of his money and wanted mickey to have a good life

“Their relationship was simply never healthy.”

no it wasnt, but thats why the ship is great in its own way, the gay closet kid raised by a homophobic man is obviously going to have a lot of baggage , and ian who is bipolar and struggling with himself will also have a lot of baggage , but in the end they love eachother and that really shows in season five and season seven specifically

that is all lol ,,, this is long sorry

now, i am not a ian apologist , i love ian but hes a dumbass sometimes

actual valid reasons ian sucks

genuinely believes frank is worse than terry

yes frank was definitely abusive but terry is definitely worse ,,

mentally/physically/sexually abusive , the whole nine yards

terry hired a prostitute to r^pe his son , threatened to kill him and ian on multiple occasions , r^ped his daughter who ended up pregnant and is actively racist

frank on the other hand will make gay jokes but in the end doesnt give enough of a shit , he has attacked his children on multiple occasions but not to the brutality that terry has ( this isnt me excusing it )

sorry ian , terry is worse

never apologized

he never apologized for all the shit he put mickey and his family through, never apologized to mickey for cheating on him , never apologized for all the manic and depressive episodes mickey endured with him

never apologized for walking away when he couldn’t handle it, in hall of shame mickey actually acknowledges this saying ‘its youre whole MO’

debbies sexuality

he has constantly made statements saying debbie isnt gay and that bothers me because , why does it care ? as a gay man and as a gay man who soent time with a lot of lgbt youth wouldnt he support his sister even if shes just ‘experimenting’?

in the recent season he doesnt seem to care and doesn’t say anything but it still bothers me

mickey only getting like 80% of his heart

okay look , i get what ian means when he says this , everyones hes been with has made him who he is but fucking hell dude ,, shut up , thats your husband , thats the love of your life you shouldnt be saying shit like that , especially to him

and then this man had the audacity to say mickey probably feels the same about past flings when he knows that ian is the only one hes probably ever been with/serious about

obviously there is probably more but those are the main ones that come to mind

—

before anyone brings up the trans or bi thing im going to explain my thought process for him

like ive probably mentioned multiple times he grew up southside and obviously only ever grew up with lgb and not t ,, trevor did inform him a lot and ian became supre accepting of everyone,, sexual preference isnt transphobic but i do think he approached the matter badly

now the bi thing , legit all i think is that he doesnt hate bisexual people its just that the man he really liked slept with a woman and never expressed any heterosexual attraction so it probably just suprised him and pissed him off because caleb did cheat on ian

—

if you read this far HOLY SHIT THANKS LOL ,, im not adding things that i think are pro about ian this was just me breaking down that article and giving my two cents :)

feel free to message me and talk to me or send me articles like this about any other character/relationship and i will totally break that one down too lol

thanks for letting me rant

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[justaramblingromantic]

fail better

Characters/Pairing: Kobayashi Rindou and Tsukasa Eishi/EiRin

Type: Canon-divergent AU, Post-series, Peerless-verse, Freestyle

Word Count: 2277

A/N #01: Ever read something so stupid that at the end of it all, you can almost literally feel the double negative ‘dislike’ interaction sign from The Sims forming right over your head? That was exactly my feeling after I read the nonsense that was chapter 296. Actually, my feeling was so strong it singlehandedly fueled my motivation to write this piece in one sitting, haha. What the effing heck, Tsukuda. 

A/N #02: Title derived by Samuel Beckett’s quote: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

xXxXxXxXxX

Hours after the conclusion of his round of the tournament, he was back in the still quiet of his hotel room, staring down at the empty text screen of his phone, wondering what to write to properly convey his conflicted feelings at the moment. He found himself stuck for the longest time, because the other person who had all but wrung a promise out of him for consistent updates of his progress would not appreciate it in the least if he was insincere or dishonest with her and, most importantly, himself.

And she would know intrinsically too, much to his chagrin.

He did not have to struggle futilely for the whole night, because as if aware of his mounting difficulties…or perhaps just plain exasperated with his indecisive dithering, the smart device in his hand vibrated impatiently with an incoming call, and the name that popped up on his Caller ID was both a comforting and sobering sight at the same time.

He picked up, of course. After a brief, hesitating pause. Mentally steeling himself, because it was…difficult not to be swept away by that surge of self-critical disappointment all over again.  

“…Hello.”

“Yo.”

In hindsight, he did not know what he was even feeling so anxious about. Just hearing that one word, just hearing that familiar voice filtered through the speaker from the other end, already possessed the miraculous effect of easing the stiff tension that had grown unbidden between his shoulders, bearing down on him like a heavy weight that entire day. He sighed her name.

“Rindou.”

There was some crinkling to be heard in ambient surroundings, as if she was snacking on something while on the phone with him at the same time. That casual familiarity soothed his nerves, because it was just like her to be so relaxed and comfortable around him. Before the conversation could lull and grow tense and awkward, she nonchalantly continued.

“I heard you got your ass handed to you today, Tsukasa~” his impish best friend all but singsonged.

Instead of feeling sorry and regretful over his loss, the woman actually sounded indecently gleeful instead. Even if he wanted to, it was hard to remain down in the doldrums when she was like this. He grew exasperated, remembering that sometimes she was the kind who liked to poke at people’s bruises, just to hear them yell.

“…You don’t beat around the bush, do you?” he deadpanned.

“Why should I?” she retorted between munches. “D’ya know how many texts I got this afternoon alone reporting your defeat to that Saiha dude? I practically received multiple blow-by-blow accounts, and they sent videos too; at least five different viewing angles of you getting your ass handed to you-”

Now, he was just plain mortified, never mind feeling sorry for himself.  

“What. Who texted you?” he demanded to know, flustered that she had to learn about it from other people instead of straight from him. His cheeks warmed in pique. “Why are people texting you anyway to tell you those things.”

“Yeah, I wonder why,” she replied in a tone that implied she didn’t even have to wonder at all. Their closeness wasn’t exactly a big secret to those who knew them in Tootsuki.

“Where are you now, anyway?” she changed the subject blithely. “Moping about in your room?”

“I’m not moping,” he spluttered in denial. Sure, he was feeling a bit morose and out of sorts, but that was because there was nothing to do since he no longer had to prepare for the next stage of the competition! Furthermore and strangely enough, his defeat today had not felt as crushingly overwhelming as that time in the aftermath of the Regiment Shokugeki. And more importantly- “Next time, wait patiently for my texts instead of listening to the gossips of other people.”

“Then text me quicker next time-”

A knock on the door had him distracted, and he got up to answer it, phone still cradled to his ear.

“-I thought you got so depressed you decided to commit seppuku with that long-assed nail file of yours. Hola~!”

He opened the door…and there she was, standing at the entrance, her digitally modulated reply abruptly becoming clear and distinct in real time. She was bright eyed and smirking at him,  just so irrepressibly buoyant it was as if she was a ray of sunshine herself.

Eishi blinked owlishly in surprise. “You are…here.” He quickly snapped out of his brief stupor. “Wait. What are you doing here?”

She brushed past him to get into his room. “Ta-da~ I came to offer my bosom for you to cry on, of course!”

He shut the door and turned to her, a funny look crossing his face, still half in disbelief…because she was supposed to be in Barcelona right now.

She looked like she had just stepped off a flight, and she had come bearing consolation gifts, too. “Look what I bought on the way here!” She swiveled to him and raised the plastic bags that she was holding. “Fried chicken and cheap beer are the best things to fix a broken heart!”

“My heart is not broken,” he retorted, nonplussed by her shining enthusiasm to bring light to his dark and tortured soul. “And will you put those drinks away; we’re still underaged.”

“Boo; you’re so straitlaced! What’s a bit of underaged drinking gonna do? We’d be twenty in a year or so, anyway! Live a little!”

And then she promptly proceeded to make a mess in his otherwise previously tidy accommodation. Her sneakers were kicked haphazardly aside, she dumped her bag unceremoniously on the floor in the middle of the room, and with whirlwind efficacy, she soon had the food and drinks laid out on the dressing table. Popping a crispy piece of chicken, deep fried to golden brown perfection, into her mouth, she pulled out a chilled can of beer from the six pack, bought right off a nearby conbini, cracked it open, brought it right to her lips and drank deep. She exhaled gustily with happiness, eyes squeezed shut with contentment, a look of comical satisfaction flitting across her rosy face.  

“Hell yeah, this is the best~!”

The redhead popped open another can of beer, and she pushed it to him. “Don’t just stand there! Come join me, dummy.”

Eishi was reluctant at first, but as she handed him the choicest bits of chicken on a paper plate and then started to dig into her own share with zeal, he realized belatedly that he was hungry, too. How she miraculously knew that he hadn’t had dinner yet was a mystery; he had been preoccupied and had somehow forgotten all about eating in the process. He took refreshing sips of ice-cold beer in between succulent bites of crisp, precisely battered chicken; she was right, there was a certain epicurean pleasure to be had from this combination. His mind was already automatically deconstructing the dish, gauging the type of ingredients and their exact quantity, speculating on the various steps of preparation, how hot the temperature of the frying oil had to be-

She snorted at his distracted demeanor as they dawdled over the meal. “You’re such a nerd, I swear.”  

He snapped out of his thoughts to stare at her. She snickered.

“Feel better now?”

He continued to stare.

“Wanna walk me through how your bout went?” Her golden eyes gleamed. “Or maybe I should tell you how I think it went as related to me by my secret sources?”

“No, thank you-”

He obligingly spilled, not wanting to hear of the embarrassing accounts as witnessed by whoever had spied on him for her. Besides, she was someone who actually appreciated the finer nuances of his cooking style and methodology, even when others would have been bored to tears by all that incredibly dry, technical talk. She paid rapt attention, her eyes trained unwaveringly on him as he spoke about the dish he came up with, and objectively as well of the one that had eventually defeated him.

Rindou was intrigued.

“Huh. Sounds like you had quite a bit of fun out there.”

International competitions like The Blue were really on another level altogether. She also wondered how they were able to dredge up so much crazy every year just to stuff into one event.  

“I wouldn’t exactly call it ‘fun,’” Eishi muttered under his breath.

There was an annoying soreness just lying under the skin and muscles of his chest, growing more and more aggravating as time passed after that battle with Saiba Asahi, and downright impossible to ignore however he tried. It was a gripping feeling that he had not experienced in quite a long time. It felt like a muted rage, a festering, humiliating wound in his heart that had been dealt by the hand of his opponent.

“He claimed my knife in light of my loss,” he finally admitted his shame.

It was now or never, and he refused to lie. Not to her. Never, to her.

For one moment, the air around her stilled.

And then her eyes glowed bright with fury.

For all that some people always said of his selfishness and arrogance, even he had never stooped so low as to steal the precious knives of another chef, their livelihood, the very source of their pride. Everything that he had, he had painstakingly squeezed out of his own talents, refusing to rely or even lean on the abilities of others, because there was simply no honor or pride to be had for that kind of tainted victory. But such distasteful practice was not entirely unheard of, nor was it illegal or wrong. Life in the kitchen could be cutthroat and fast paced where all sorts of characters lurked; those who could not take the heat simply had no place there, regardless of how good or skilled they were.

Then again, Tsukasa had never been the kind to break easily.

“What an unpleasant punk,” Rindou uttered flatly, stiffly.

He said nothing to that, but somehow, he felt lighter, because here she was, absolutely furious on his behalf.

“Which blade did he take?”

He knew she was going to laugh. “…The one…you nicknamed ‘the long-assed nail file,’” he responded slowly, after a reluctant pause.

He was absolutely right; she snort-giggled into her beer. That heavy tension in the atmosphere promptly dissolved, and miraculously along with it, his paralyzing sense of disgrace. “Pffft. Of all the- That one?? Eh, I s’pose there’s really no accounting for taste, is there?”

Eishi sent her a disgruntled look, visibly put out by her reaction. “Enough, you. I actually liked that blade.”  

She relaxed at his mild censure. He was calmer now, less tense, less brittle. In turn, that pleased her, too. She took another sip of her beer, already on her second can.

“So make an even better one, then. In the first place, you haven’t even fully developed that technique yet with how recently you came up with it,” she pointed out.

He drank to that, too. “I intend to.” There was a firmness in his quiet reply, an unshakable resolve that hardened his usually distant, lavender gaze, as he retreated to a place within himself that would not allow him to give up until he had achieved what he sought to.

She eyed him silently over the rim of her drink. That look of relentless, dogged determination was something that she hadn’t seen on him for a long time.

“…You really are having fun with this,” she observed once more with insistence, her lips twitching up in a delighted smile.

“It’s not fun,” he promptly corrected her. “It’s…frustrating.”

“But at least it’s not boring anymore, right?” She nudged him knowingly. He sighed and looked down at her plainly amused expression. She wasn’t going to give up until he admitted it, was she? He really did not know how she did it; there was not one word of consolation offered over his defeat, but still she made him feel so much better, all the same.

“…No. It’s not boring anymore,” he acknowledged. He was simmering, seething quietly beneath that deceptively calm, tranquil façade of his. “I actually feel…quite displeased,” he admitted, frowning slightly and looking quite out of sorts with himself.

She snorted, once again, at the understatement. He was really terrible at expressing anger. She reached up and petted his head for trying his best, all the same. “There, there. Let it all out. You want Rindou onee-chan to give you a hug too? Not to blow my own trumpet, but my hugs are seriously the best.”

He stared at her shamelessly bragging. Or maybe not, since he knew from experience that her hugs were seriously the best indeed, as advertised.

“Okay,” he agreed readily to her half joking offer. Perhaps it was the beer that relaxed his inhibitions, for he briefly studied her where she was sitting beside him, and then, without hesitation, he reached out, grabbed her around her middle, and half tugged, half lifted her onto his lap. She paused in surprise at his spontaneity, but before anything else could be said, he folded his arms around her and gently nested her against himself. He pressed his face into crimson fragrance of her hair and inhaled, sighing at her warmth and softness.

“…I’m glad you came,” he told her truthfully. It made him feel sleepy too, tension dissipating, and weariness rushing to the forefront in the face of this simple, reassuring contentment that was Rindou.  

Her gaze softened. Her arms curled lazily around him in return, and she snuggled up to her best friend.

“Mm. You worked hard today, Tsukasa. Well done-”

xXxXxXxXxX

[maddiebonanafana]

I saw your post on another blog and I just wanted to give you big virtual hug. This thing has been going on for a long time, being done to a lot of people. I know it can be frustrating, but it's important to remember that what it's really about is them and their issues. Every time that you get hate, or one of your posts is mocked, what you should do is let it be a reminder of how great YOU are. Everyone has their own struggles and pain, and no matter what you've gone through, you haven't let (1)

it make you like them. You haven't let it turn you into someone who derives joy from hurting others, who doesn't get pleasure from mocking people and being cruel, or from attacking people who can't defend themselves. All they're doing is reminding you that you're stronger than they are because no matter what you've struggled through, you didn't let it make you into that kind of person. And ultimately, you're the one who holds the power. Conflict, engagement, and attention is huge part of (2) they crave, and you have the power to either give it to them and ultimately help them in hurting themselves, or to not give it to them and refuse to participate in a toxic and harmful coping method. I recently read a really cool quote from a friend's grandfather. It went something like "there are a lot of bitter, angry people in the world, and you might not be able to stop them from being bitter and spiteful toward you, but you can make them look foolish when they are". Don't give them what they seek. Use their anger and sadness as a reminder of your strength, of the things that keep you strong and make you happy. Focus on those things and let those be the things you post about. Use their pettiness and vindictiveness as a reminder of your kindness and empathy, and endeavor to show those things to other people. If you ever find yourself upset because of something they do, counter it by sending out some kind, uplifting messages or posting about something you love, or something you like about themselves. Don't let them be a source of toxicity in your life, and instead let them be a reminder of the positive. Turn their hateful campaign around and let it motivate you to be kind, empathetic, and positive about yourself. Stop the hate and anger in its tracks.

Thank you @onceandfuturekiki this message really brightened my day, you're always so kind and level headed, I don't know how you stay that way since you get triple the amount of hate I get. I will say thought that responding to Zumpie was just for my benefit, I didn’t want to stay silent about it and wanted to just let out my feelings whether anybody cared or if she just laughed me off. I already know about the way she chooses to blog, she hasn't changed since the day I first encountered her three years ago (time flies). I was made aware of the fact that I am one of the people she makes posts about and, for one, its interesting that she blocks me but still goes through my blog and picks out posts to make fun of. Usually when you block someone, that means you are done with them. Anyways yeah, I just wanted to put my feelings out there instead of having them sit in my head. I knew she was just going to laugh me off and make me out to be some horrible and stupid person, I wasnt responding to her post about me expecting her to say sorry or stop doing it. It was just a matter I wanted to speak about to get it all out and then block her again and be done. And Zumpie if you are reading this, you probably are, I really do mean it. I wont be checking your blog (something I haven't done in three years until today), but I am sure you will do the same to me, and many others and yet claim other people are obsessive. 

And you know, I get having issues with people that have done the horrible things she talks about having happened to her and friends. Thats understandable, but I have not done any of those things she mentioned. The only crime I committed was not agreeing with her, therefore making me a “dumb bitch”. She says she values real people feelings over fictional ones, yet thats what she says about me. I just wanted to let that hypocrisy out into the world. 

 I also just want to say thank you @phoenixwrites @anonymousnerdgirl @grace52373 for the kind words you said about me and the support you gave me, it really did mean a lot to me. I am not even in your close circle of friends and you guys were very supportive and nice to me. What a concept, just being nice and decent people because real people matter and television shows and the internet don't. Its a shame some people don't see that. 

Thank you for this message really, it means a lot to me.