#i wasnt even moving heavy shit around then... just standing for like 8 hours in a row in the same spot

[transgaysex]

laying down feels fucking sexual after moving heavy shit around for 5 hours in a row

[brelione]

The Surfer And The Siren

Chapter Three:The Conspiracy Blog,The Investigation and The Shitty Sister In Law

Chapter One       Chapter Two

Warnings:Mentions of racism,homophobia

S0rry that this chapter is kind of short.The next one will be longer.

You didn't understand how you had never found out about this.The article was from 2012 by a conspiracy blog.There were dozens of photographs of you,a bright red circle showing where you was in group photos that were taken in the fifties and more from the seventies.There were a few photos of your large scales the size of quarters that had been found on coral reefs and posted on facebook with captions asking for someone to tell the finder what animal the scale belonged to.Another photo showed a photo of your fluke splashing out of the water.In some your hair had been tucked into your old red hat so the mess of blue waves wouldn't be seen.But somehow those photos had been linked to others from the bridge of your nose and the color of your skin.You kind of missed the old days before all the facial recognition technology.

You went through the photos to see paragraphs and paragraphs with quotes from the interview with Linden. “Linden Sislip,sister of poet and former pawn shop owner claims that her brother was in love with the sea monster of Outer Banks.For decades a murderous mermaid-like creature has haunted the waters and supposedly lured multiple men to painful water related deaths.Outerbanks is known as Paradise on Earth and is home to countless millionaires AKA the sea monsters preferred prey.Some think the creature has migrated elsewhere because of a string of similar deaths closer to California.What do you think?”That article had to be the most bull shit thing you had ever read.Luckily most of the comments agreed,calling the photos fake and saying the scales were that of a tuna’s.

That was pretty insulting to say the least but at least they didn't actually believe you were a serial killing sea monster.That made you feel better but knowing how much Linden hated you definitely hurt a bit.She had hated most people though.She hated the poor,people of color,lgbt+,cats and babies.What kind of sociopath hates cats and babies?You couldn't wrap your head around the fact that somehow she was raised by the same parents he was yet she ended up like that.He was ahead of his time.He was respectful and kind and he loved everyone regardless of social status,race or sexuaity.That’s what made you feel so close to him.Linden had always stared in disgust when he bought extra newspapers to bring to people who couldn't afford them or when he saved his food to bring to children whose parents worked three jobs and still couldn't pay for a decent meal.

You pitied Linden,you couldn't even imagine being that closed minded and ignorant.Things were much worse in the South for sure but you tried your best to get to people.After he had passed away Linden had forced the rest of the family to completely shut you out.You couldn't go to the funeral or even go into their home to grab things that you could remember him by.She blamed you fro his death when she should have blamed herself.It was a terrible thought because in reality there was noone to blame but he had spent so much time in his life trying to convince her to be a good person and convince her to respect people.It had been a waste of years trying to wear her down and make her good but you cant help them all.

The interview didn't really shock you that much.She had always been bitter about you and your origins bit what did shock you was the fact that she had a son in 1950.A son named Bellamy Maybank. “Shit.”You whispered under your breath.Richard waited for you to explain your shock but when you didn't say anything he grew impatient. “What?”He asked.You just nodded,trying to form words.This was real life.This wasnt some weird dream or a conspiracy.This was actually real.This article was published 8 years ago and you had never seen it.

How could you have never seen it?You wondered if Richard knew and had hid it from you but that couldnt be.He knew just as little as you did. “You were right...but theres a time gap.How good are you at investigating?”You asked.A wide smile came across his mature,wrinkly face. “Are you forgetting about how I sunk Ward Cameron’s boat and completely trashed his plans in like...two hours?”He asked.You laughed quietly.Richard had always been so proud of that. “God,how could I forget?”You grinned,looking back up at the TV. “So what do you need me to find out?Make me a list in my notes app.You know which one the notes app is,right?”He teased.You rolled your eyes,opening the app and making a new note.

Close the time gap (after 50-now)

Learn about JJ,Pope,Kiara and the other one.

Check up on Ward’s plans

It had been a hot minute since you had Richard investigate someone.Last time had been nearly 20 years ago.Turns out Ward Cameron was hunting you down in attempt to kidnap and sell you.he was a fucked up son of a trout and you would most definitely say that to his face if given  the chance.You placed the phone down,looking back up at the tv.The main character was threatening a rude looking blonde boy with terrible fashion sense. “Could we drive around for a while?”You asked.He nodded,standing up from his chair.His feet were sore but he always pulled through for you.You two went back out to his car.He turned on your favorite CD that belonged to Billie Eilish.So much had changed since just a few years ago.Someone like Billie would absolutely be an outcast back when you were her age.

Something about the way that cars moved made you happy.It was strange to see the world shifting around you.How poor people rode horses and the rich had cars and how the tables had turned.You had seen so many wars and so many deaths yet you had watched multiple births.You watched segregation end and witnessed people of all races and ethnicities get the right to vote.You had seen the day that the lgbt community finally got rights.And you had helped with it all.You had experienced the life of the poor and of the filthy rich and you were only a quarter through your life.You had been a friend to Marilyn Monroe and saw the day that JFK was assassinated.You had seen so much that no one else had experienced.

You had heard so many old folks complain about the music of today and how it had been so much better back in their day but you could not disagree more.There was no reason to bash the modern ones music.All music is good music except for country music,of course.Richard drove through figure 8 so you could gaze at all the houses.It was quite disgusting that there were only an average of three people living in huge mansions with six bedrooms that they didn't need yet there were families of eight suffering in tiny houses made for three people maximum.The rich were greedy,bitter and overall selfish and annoying.

The poor were generous and grateful for everything they did have and were more likely to be kind and understanding.It was really just a sad place but you didn't want to go anywhere else.A lot of other areas had water that was far too polluted but definitely had better people and a better atmosphere on land.It didn't really matter how great the land was when you could only see it once a month anyways.Plus OBX had a great cave system and pretty nice weather.Richard turned his car,going back to The Cut.If you were to live anywhere in Outer Banks it would most definitely be The Cut.It had an all around better atmosphere,friendlier people and better hiding spots. “So how are the naiads?Have you heard from them?”He asked,purposefully driving slowly.You sighed,turning down the radio. 

“Not really,the only river entrance got blocked off by a ton of fallen branches.I haven't gotten any calls from them though so thats good.Its not that I don't like them or anything but they're just….god,they're so annoying.”You leaned back in your chair.He chuckled. “Does Esmerelda still have a crush on you?”He asked,turning down the dirt road.You nodded. “She’s just….she’s cute but she’s annoying,you know?”You asked.He nodded. “That ones always been kinda strange in the head.”He agreed.Once you got back to the house the sky was lightening up which meant you had such little time.You sat in the backyard in one of the camping chairs with your paper bag in your hand and the drawstring bag hanging off your shoulders.Blue sat with his head on your knee,staring up at you with his big shiny eyes.

He knew the drill by now,his drool making a dark puddle on your jeans as he whined for attention before you had to leave again.Richard had tried to bring the dog out to see you before but it never worked out.Blue got eager and excited and walked to fast for Richard and it wasn't safe for a dog to walk along rough and bumpy rocks.It wasn't exactly safe for an elderly man either but it sucks to suck.You stared up at the sky,wiggling your toes while you still could.As the sun began to come up over the horizon a similar aching pain spread from your heels to your thighs,your body feeling heavy. “I’ll see you next week,(Y/N).”Richard stood up to hug you.You hugged him back,tears pricking at your eyes.

Blue pawed at you,licking your jeans.You kissed his forehead lightly before limping down to the water.You dragged yourself into the water,collapsing when you were at your knees.Your legs tingled,your head slipping under the water as your legs knit together in a painful mess.From below your hips your tail grew,your hair falling in your face as all evidence that you had been human left you.Your hend clenched the deteriorating paper bag as you swished your fins,gaining control over your body again.The sun was now reflecting off the water,nearly blinding you.You ducked under the water,going deeper and deeper.

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[multifandomhoodies]

in the two minutes my brain was working i made this meme because i think it’s funny and while no one has told me to stop talking abt work i feel like this is lowkey accurate. 

this will probably be super annoying and basically a ramble but hey ! I dont care. rondo alla turca just came on and that’s incredibly accurate of my mind rn just that super fast part. anyways. im so sorry. 

hit that read more for the entire 2000+ word dissertation i wrote about work today.

so today was wild because fourth of july babey uh it didn’t start getting different until like,,,, 8 ish? mostly till then it was just regulars who are always in the park. i forgot my earmuffs so i couldn’t backpack blow when i wanted :c. nothing weird was in the bathrooms today! there was a lemonheads box in the women’s, but like,, that’s not very weird. i had several guests tell me that i was gonna have a rough day tomorrow w/ clean up and im like lol yeah Except i dont work tomorrow sorry tue-sat crew. love you. except fuck u danager. i had to get the cans along the beach and the guy that usually runs the beach comber wasn’t there so a different guy from the other park was doing it and he doesn’t run the beach comber v often and you could Tell. also this dude barely said anything to anyone except the one dude and honestly powermove. also he has Very long dreads. also this lady ? was laying like two feet away from where i had to backpack blow and she had the audacity to like, look at me? sorry lady its 8am the sun isnt even out stop sunbathing. anyways. i had to water the flowers i planted yesterday and after that it was breaktime (gang GANG) breaktime is like,, three hours after we start work but cleaning the bathrooms and backpack blowing and getting cans took forEVER. break was funny because it was just three of us in the breakroom and we were talking about the new manager who is. just a fucking asshole. he can choke. bitch. anyways. even tony doesnt like him and tony’s like so nice. i made a joke b4 we rolled out that liam could help me clean our part of the park and danager was like hey he can do that if you want to mulch and I thought it was mulching with HIm and I was like oh nO you thought hunty! i had to deal with your stupid ass yesterday! turns out it was just liam and tony and like honestly i would have done that that would have been super fun. and liam told me that he’d told tony about what happened yesterday with mulching. danager really called liam and i off of weedeating to mulch. at like, 1:30. we go on break at 2. he didnt care and was like oh you guys can just stay after and we’re like?? no?? unless we’re getting paid overtime and you dont have the power to make us do that? and liam today was like yeah if he does that shit again im leaving and tony and i agreed. im like ill walk home man. im leaving. tony said that even steve was getting pissed at him yesterday and steve’s a really chill dude. so collectively everyone’s like FUCk danager. and he came in from outside too and was like aight guys this is what we’re doing. hannah you should be able to weedwhip farther out away from your body. you hold the weedwhip too close and if you dont do that you can get a farther range. i kid you not the four of us that werent danager just started laughing. weedeaters (or weedw(h)ackers, or as ONLY danager says, weedwhips) arent very heavy. however. they do get heavy after a while, and they shake sometimes. a lot of times. We don’t get new equipment so it shakes. I’m hardly weak, but I’m also not strong enough to hold the weedeater like he said. so as soon as he said that i should be doing that everyone laughed. like i did too im like man you’re tripping. anyways. he left again, and so did two of the other guys again so it was just tony liam and i. kenny came back in and the three of us had been talking and when kenny opeend the door we all shifted so we could see who walked in, hoping it wasnt danager. kenny bust out laughing. “yall shoulda see your faces.” tony does a dramatic renactment of us all leaning forward to see who it is. oh it was great. tony liam and i were like in hysterics abt something (i think it was something rude abt danager i cant remember now). then we all headed out to do our danager assigned tasks. I went back to weedeating this one area. reminder that it IS the fourth of july, it’s like 9:30am and im weedeating this one part of the park. priorities? what are those. anyways so i do that. I see liam and tony leave to keep mulching. i keep weedeating. I did that and backpack blew the debris and then went over to the other part of the park to check cans. i checked cans again, had a super awkward situation with like 15 people near this sign. i tried to park my cart to check hte cans and EVERYONE STARED AT ME. like i know im wearing clothes specifcally chosen to be visible to cars and the public but the fuck you gotta stare at me for! anyways i got the cart and got the fuck outta there quick. I drove around more, some guy stopped me and said he thought there should be more speed limit signs. you’re right sir. drivers will see them and not care. i was checking trash in the one part of the park and i see tony and liam driving so i wave. by now it;s almost our lunch, its like 11:15. im going to check some cans that you like actually have to walk to, but i see tony driving towards me so i wait. they pull up, ask for the time. tony suggests we take a brisk walk to check the cans. we take a walk, but it’s not very fast. it’s very slow. we stopped to talk about dumb shit. liam’s apparently found a mink? on the pier? im so jealous? anyways yeah we wasted fifteen minutes looking at cans. we turn around and Danager’s walking towards us. tony grabs some trash off the ground immediately. danager doesnt even question it. he just tells us he wants someone to weedwhip or mow this one area, or at least be aware of it. tony and liam leave with dan, i head back to the shop. i hosed out the back of my cart cuz i got something FOUL in it. it may have been human poop. not sure. it was at least poop. lunch was more joking about danager. then danager came in and they started talking about muscle cramps. tony asked regular dan if he got cramps ever. dan shook his head. we dont think dan’s human. doesnt eat. doesnt SIT. only takes breaks because he’s legally required. jury is out. danager fucks off again. liam ate some of the ice cream. we chill until danager comes back in. then we leave. danager really told us to keep our weedwhips with us (also everytime liam or i say weedwhip mockingly we whip so i mean. yeah) and if we saw anything that needed weedeated to do it. ITS THE FOURTH OF JULY. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE IN THE PARK. tony apparently reached for his weedeater and some lady started cussing him out. something about how there’s people around and whatever (all true) and he’s like yeah sorry i was told to but yaknow what I just wont! because it’s a holiday no one wants to weedeat. so danager told us to go clean up driftwood from the beach and tony’s like oh some of it may be big yaknow ill go with you guys. completely an excuse not to do work. it was fine. we went down to the beach. got all ten pieces of wood that were there. and we did not take them back to the shop to be dealt with. no. we may or may not have taken the trashcan full of wood to the treeline and yeeted the driftwood into the treeline/woods. then we walked back up to our carts. and didnt get in them. the three of us stood around the carts for like twenty minutes just talking instead of working. who cares honestly. i dont. as long as it’s not a habit,,, we cool. somehow we started talking abt pot and liam’s like Oh yeah i’m pretty sure everyone here gets FUCKED up on that. and tony (who’s been here for a summer) was like. oh yeah for SURE. he’s like yaknow weed’s okay. not that interesting ppl overhype it. liams like yea never done it been overed it never done it and im like never been offered, never done it. a ranger rolled by and tony’s like yo what if the ranger rolled his window down and just a cloud of pot smoke rolled out and his eyes were just red. what would we do. and we all just like essentially shrug emojid and kept talking. tony came up with the great idea to move out of the full sun into some shade. we sat in the carts in the shade and talked more abt dumb shit. we decide to eventually move and check some other areas for trash. just to look busy and also get out of an area that had a lot of people and access for a cart. so we went over to another section of the park and got trash. I had two bags, and Tony’s just like yeah as long as they see trashbags in your cart no one’s gonna care what you’re doing. We went over near that part’s bathrooms and dan and even dan was like,,, i see yall are fuckin off and i dont hate that. we actually talked with dan for a bit too. then we walked over to this area where ppl throw beercans and ““““checked”““ for trash there. skipped rocks. made stupid comments about shit. we were over there for like twenty minutes. aaaaaaaaand Danager shows up. he tells tony to go water some plants in the front. it’s 1:30 at this point, tony’s gotta go load the water, haul it out to the front, water. liam and i followed him back to the carts. he got in his cart, looked around to make sure dan was gone and did the finger gun to head thing and drove off. liam and i immediately were like okay we gotta figure something out we’re staying the fuck out of danager’s way. so we go to another pier and start walking it, looking for trash. we did actually pick up trash. there was a lot. after like fifteen minutes we headed back to the shop to take our break at 2 and danager’s on his way out and he’s like oh! hey you guys can weedwhip around the building! or clean up around the dumpsters. do something. “No use standing around for twenty minutes”. okaaaaaaaaaaaaay man. so liam and i are like oh yeah of course we’ll find something to do. FUCK I JUST REALIZED I FORGOT TO BLOW THE GRASS IN THE DRIVEWAY FUCK FUCKIJ’DJ’FKJALKJFLAKJF goddamnit. deadass sorry for abrupt switch but im sitting in my house at 10:25pm realizing i didnt get the grass in the driveway. ugh whatever. ending my regrets and back to earlier. so as soon as danager drives his way and we get far enough away both of us are like YO FUCK THAT and im immediately like. 

i get as far as saying the first I from this and liam and I say the rest in unison. we share a braincell, i think. good job us. we’re both OVER IT. we throw our trashbags in the dumpster and grab pickers. we’re not sweating it but we grab some trash. i feel bad for tony cuz he’s out watering when it’s breaktime. liam says he probably wont be back till 2:25 when we have to clock out by 2:30. he wound up being right. a lot of shaking heads and muttering inbetween the four seasonals (minus dan) as soon as he was back. i clocked out and i told tony that he probably wont survive tomorrow with danager and that it was nice knowing him. tomorrow two of the techs will be back because they had today off. but it’s gonna be tony, the two techs, and danager. and possibly someone from the other park. not sure tho. like the BIGGEST oof because it’s gonna be a full day of trash cleanup and they’ve got danager there. and danager works the same shift as tony so anyday tony’s in, so it danager. the sat-thur crew got lucky. he told liam and i that on saturdays, the techs are out b/c weekends. it was just tony and someone from the other park and they’d. get the trash. trashbags and ground trash. and then fuck off in the breakroom. you can’t weedeat or cut on weekends. there’s not much to do if there’s not trash. they deadass would nap. and now they’re SCREWED because danager’s there. i’m so sad the one guy from the other park wasn’t there today. I can not WAIT to find out what he thinks of danager. fascinating. i almost worked tomorrow too, of my own request because I missed so much. but im sO Glad i didnt i do not want to spend anytime around danager that i dont have to. he fucking sucks. anyways. working my first ever fourth of july was,,, eventful. it mostly consisted of trying to avoid danager and kicking it with liam and tony. and that’s stellar. I really like both of them. i love my fucking coworkers. except danager. fuck you. also! no one offered us food :( apparently there is usually good food ppl offer to you and :( :( i didnt get food. oh today at work was wild. im so sorry for this post. it’s a hefty one. is this the longest post i’ve ever made on tumblr? yes. if you made it this far good job. I saw two REALly great dogs. the one looked like a bear. the other was a gsd. good job. god i love this job. 

[helplessyethopeful-blog]

Got mommy issues? Same.

Losing my brother in the family meant that the only ones left were us girls. Any normal family would say they had to stick together. But there was far from happiness under my roof.. but then again, that was my normal.

Who knew that getting beaten with broom handles, cable wires, fists, and anything else in arms reach could be the most painful things around? My sister and I unfortunately had the opportunity to find out. With my mom always drugged up it was left up to me to take care of my sister. She was after all the only person I had left. My mom had isolated us from the rest of the family. After all she couldn't let anybody see the bruises we were covered in. During the school year she always made sure to have our marks covered by whatever we were wearing. And we never told a soul about what was happening at home.

Until one night, I got brave. I guess I thought I was trying to do everyone a favor. I dont truly remember this night on my own, only from what the adults have told me. I waited until the middle of the night for my mom to be passed out on the couch as she always was and I tried to light her blanket on fire 6 times with the lighter she left out. I don't know if it was fear or just plain dumb. But it didn't work either way. This all happened at about 1 in the morning. Right after I called my moms best friend and left a voice mail on her machine stating that "I tried to kill my mom but it wouldn't work". Nobody found out about this until the next morning.

I was scared shitless. My mom didn't send me, nor my sister to school today. We weren't sick. Our bruises from the last beating were finally clearing up so why are we home?

I remember it was about noon time. I was in my sisters room, her sitting in my lap while we played with our toys. My mom called us out into the living room and said that no matter what she will always love us and that we were going away for a sleepover, in the moment we just didn't fully understand that she wasn't coming with us. I remember the social worker having 2 officers come upstairs and wait around while I packed me and my sister some clothes and toys for our sleepover. My mom said we would all be together again soon, that she needed to help to be able to take care of us again.

Who knew that, that wouldn't be for another 3 years.

3 years. 13 different homes. 13 different families. 13 different towns and schools. 13 different sets of rules to obey. All stuffed into 3 years. Fuck that.

About a year into foster care and I finally started getting weekend visits back home with my mom. It was a lot of fun lost of the time. My mom wasn't drinking or doing any lines. She was happier and was very kind compared to the woman I said goodbye to a year prior. Unfortunately for myself I ended up on my own though. My sister was ripped away from me, and I saw her maybe twice I'm the 2 years to follow. She was thrown around even more than I was. 17 homes in 3 years and 2 group homes. They all treated her like shit, as they had me. The last home we were in together, our foster moms name was Beverly. She was nice, but super strict about everything.. my sister was about 4ish at this time. It was about 11pm and my sister started throwing a tantrum, major because nobody would turn a light on for her. It was pitch black in the room we were stuck in. I didn't make a peep except for the minor "shh" I was giving my sister to try and calm her down. It didn't work. Beverly, this woman who took us in. Who was being paid to take care of us, took my 4 year old sister and made her stand outside in our backyard all alone in the middle of the night. To make matters worse, we lived in a heavy coyote area and Beverly had horses. A usual coyote snack if you don't take care of your pets. For a good hour my baby sister was screaming in my back window begging for help. It was cold. It was dark. And this bitch was just plain cruel. Only a couple days went by and I saw my sister for the last time for the next couple of months, when Beverly decided she wouldn't keep her anymore. Where were they taking her? When would I see her again? Who is going to take care of her if I'm not with her? She was all I had left... and then I had nothing.

About another 6 months had gone by and things were okay. I still hadn't completely gotten over the fact that my sister was gone yet and I guess you could say I learned my role in that house from that night with my sister and following. I guess in a way you could say I was the perfect child. But I was truthfully just afraid of what they would do to me if I stepped out of line. I still didnt know where they actually brought my sister.

This one day things finally seemed like they were looking up. I was on a home visit for the weekend with my mom. She seemed better. She wasnt drunk or fucked up. She was the exact opposite actually, compared to what I was used to.. she was kind and loving and like a true mom. I remember sitting on the floor while she played with my hair when she asked me "Do you want the good news or the bad news first?" In my opinion I always go for the bad news first so I can make myself feel better with the good news. She handed my a newspaper article and told me to just read it. My heart shattered in seconds. It was an obituary for my Uncle Joe, who happened to be my best friend, the only adult in my life to never fail me was gone. The article didn't explain much, but it was a suicide. He was battling depression and nobody saw it. The worst part out of all of it, I wasnt allowed to go to the funeral and my social worker wouldnt allow my mom to even tell me he had passed. I didn't find out until about 8 months after. The good news, I was going to be coming home for good in just a few short weeks!

Those "few short weeks" were the longest days to pass by. I just wanted to go home with my mom and sister and move on. Until i got home and learned that my sister wasnt coming back, that is. Why just me? Why isn't my sister coming home? Why won't they let her come back? Isn't my mom better? Isn't that why they let me come home? It didnt make any sense to me. Why me?

I guess it was a one-at-a-time kind of thing. I was back on track. Going to a new school, but back at home and actually feeling secure and happy again. My sister would be home in 2 months tops, as far as my mom knew anyways..

It was a regular day. School had just started, the teachers were calling out students names to make sure everybody was there and I got pulled to the nurse office. When I first went in I thought it was just a normal conversation to just make sure things were going good. She asked me if I knew a blonde woman named Erin and I had told her that she was my social worker. The nurse then got up and opened the door, with none other than Erin to be let in.

From what I remember, the conversation was short and straight to the point.

"I talked to your mom and were going to have to bring you to a new family today, you're mom says that she hates you and she doesnt want anything to do with you anymore."

Just like that, I was ripped from the perfect life I had been begging for. Where did I go wrong? Did I forget to clean my room? Did I make mommy mad? Did I forget my clothes or toys on the floor again? I just wanted a reason. Nobody had one.

I didnt find out for another year and a half, when my sister and I were finally sent back home, what truly happened on that day. Erin walked into my school and lied to my face. She told me that she talked to my mom, which was a lie. She told me my mom hated me and didn't want me anymore. I believed her and didn't talk to my mom for a good month. It was a lie. Instead of helping fix families, Erin was more than pleased to rip them apart. My mom was tricked into signing abandonment papers, signing away her rights to my sister and I. My mom never even knew I was brought back into foster care that day until 5 hours later when she went to pick me up from school.

Luckily enough for the sake of our lives, we got assigned a new social worker. Unfortunately I don't remember her name but she wasn't Erin and that was good enough for all of us. She actually seemed to listen to us about how we felt about things. She was actually helping my mom be a better mom. And my favorite part, she helped reunite us with my sister again.

All I wanted from the second I got torn from my sister, was to have my sister back. I fought to the tooth and nail to make sure she was protected. When we was finally able to come home I was more than thrilled but for some reason she wasnt. She was different. She was mean. And she didnt want anything to do with me anymore. She had been the only person I was more worried about than my own self. And she know barely wanted to hold a conversation with me, nevermind hold my hand and be my best friend as we were our entire lives before being split up. It was okay though. My mom said it was pretty much the trauma and instability that I just had to give her some time.

Time didn't help. My sister, was not my sister anymore... but atleast we were home, and home together where I could watch her.

[trs80sbby-blog]

Fireworks!

“Fireworks” is appropriate since the story I’m about to tell took place on New Years Eve. We all know that I have been struggling with the dating scene and that I pretty much gave up on that bullshit, but I want to remember this story. I want to remember it because I want to come back to this one day and say that I lived with a stranger for a couple of hours and I loved him before he left my sight. ( Let’s be clear that when I say I loved him, I loved him. His energy his personality and everything that makes him, him.) And honestly, I didn’t believe that any part of this story was actually possible.

Tinder

I have been on Tinder for way too fuckin long. It’s a gateway to life’s destruction to be completely honest but i took my part in it. Swipe left, Swipe Right, SUPER LIKE!!! Bullshit! But I would spend my time at work swiping left and right on people and reading minimal bios in the 500 characters that were allowed. I swiped right another time on a bio that read, “ be prepared to meet if we match.” Or something in that context, I’m sure there was more but I’ve since deleted tinder, again, so I cant go back and say for sure. Anyways.. I dont remembered who messaged who first, but we started chatting a little bit and then eventually we got off tinder and started texting each other. Again, I know I’m leaving out some details but I don’t remember the conversation we had on tinder or who gave their number first. I wasnt invested really. And seriously thats not important. You’ll see. We met on Tinder. The universe introduced us on Tinder.

Dodging Bullshit

Sometimes I think that I am so broken or so insecure that I’m genuinely not worth people’s time. And then there are other times where I am this powerful insatiable Queen and I believe that people aren’t worth my time. At this time I was conflicted with both. It was refreshing that he didnt like to text so much, so the brief couple of conversations we had after exchanging numbers was nice, but mentally, I wasnt sure if I wanted to be vulnerable or a total bitch. Look, I have a back story that I can tell one day, but just know that i have a reason for the way i am. People have thrown so much shit my way while dating and I have had enough free dinners and free drinks and free movies, that I have concluded that my time isn’t worth all that. I like to eat but I dont like to repeat myself.

“Hi, my name is Shawnta.”

“What do you do?”

“What are you looking for?”

“What’s your story?”

Who wants to answer those question 50 thousand times over and over again for different ignorant people? I need a fuckin drink please..

So when he asked to take me out before New Years, I was hesitant. Sick and hesitant. Details..

Planning

Initially we were suppose to go see a movie since apparently we both like movies. Now, that might sound common, but I love movies. Junkie... And with the admittance of him being able to shed a tear during a sad scene, I was able to accept that he might be just the junkie i needed when it came to a movie partner. We never went to the movies. Lol. Discussed it a little more, but nothing solid. I didn’t care.

Pause; If I’m coming off as if I’m lost, I was..

Do you meet people while you’re sick? It’s not like I didnt tell him. He said I had sars and still wanted to meet me. I procrastinated on plans so much and time was running out to the point that I really had to make a decision. By this time, in my head, I wanted to meet him, I just didnt want to be disappointed or be the disappointment. We finally planned to get together on New Years Eve around 7 because I did not want to stay out all night. 7 changed to 8, 8 changed to 9, and 9 changed to 9:30pm SHARP!! Some where between 7 and 8 is when the Universe decided to start making decisions for me, and make it very clear that I’m going out.

Have you ever felt a shift in your energy that was so noticeable and positive that you had no choice but to embrace it? That’s what I felt when that decision was made for me. I did my make up. I got dressed in this beautiful, shoulderless, shear, burgundy, full length dress. And wore heels, my favorite ones at that, and I walked out the house with more confidence than I’ve had all year.

Shady Lady / R15

Shady Lady requires collared shirts. He didnt wear one. We didnt go to Shady Lady as planned. We went to R15 which was at the other end of the block. Downtown, Sacramento has all these places that can bring you in and swallow you whole. I think R15 did that to us and the fact that the bartender made a really decent Manhattan for him and a heavy handed margarita for me. We sat at the bar and I was finally able to really look at this beautiful, 6 foot something, brown skinned man. He has the perfect eyebrows, seriously the perfect face and bone structure. But the most irresistible part of him is his eyes. His eyelashes are thick and full, and did I say perfect? He’s gorgeous. And then he spoke. I need you to understand that yes, we had previous conversations over the phone and his voice is captivating, but it’s a spell in person. He spoke and I listened to his tone. What the fuck! This man spoke to me and I felt the universe’s desired to take hold of this situation all over again. The power of attaction, as he says, was definitely present. The way he looked at me was indescribable. And I could be in my own head at this time, but he looked at me and called me beautiful. I’ve been called beautiful by a lot of men this past year and not once did I believe them. But when the words flowed off his lips, I tasted his truth. We were in this bar full of people, but a chill environment and music surrounded us, but it was just us. You can read that a million times in a million books and never understand it until it actually happens to you. It was loud, so I had to lean into him so that he could talk to me, and as I’m moving away to look at him again, we kissed. Did I go in to kiss him or was it the other way around? I’m not sure.. But it happen and the world tilted a little. His kiss was soft, he held my cheek and lead that kiss into another realm of pleasure. Heroin.. The most addictive drug known to man. His kiss instantly became my heroin, and it didnt go unnoticed by anyone.

Midnight

The countdown was coming. And we already kissed, so you’d think, what’s one more new years kiss right? You couldn’t be more wrong. I kissed him at 12am January 1, 2018, and I loved him in that moment. I loved the energy that he forced into my body through that kiss. Sleeping beauty would’ve woke up with that kiss, fuck Prince Charming, I had him.

Public

Throughout the night we talked and people watched a little. He had to go to the restroom and thats when it became obvious that we were being watched. This incredibly bubbly woman came up to me, and told me that she’s been wanting to come say something to me for a while. She told me that i was gorgeous and my idiot self asked her who she was talking to. One day ill learn to accept compliments without making a total ass of myself. Then she started to talk about me and him. This is when I knew i wasnt imagining what was happening.

“How long have you guys been together?”

“You guys look at each other so intensely.”

“I just had to come over and tell you how beautiful you guys are.”

She was as surprised as I was when I told her that this was our first date.

“DAMMNNN.”

By this time, he returned with a kiss. But so did his friends. This allowed us some time to become a little social. I introduced him to my bubbly new friend, and he introduced me to his friends that arrived. I excused myself to smoke a cigarette with miss bubbles and met her boyfriend. He was handsome too. Omg they are the cutest couple. Lumberjack meets tinkerbell. Lumberjack was trying to be kind and tried to introduce me to one of his friends.

“I don’t know if youre here with anyone, but if you are, my guy here is better than your guy,”

When I tell you that MY GUY had perfect timing. We were standing right outside the bar door when this was happening. I could see him through the closed door, and as lumberjack is talking I could see him making his way to me. He came out and i introduced lumberjack to my guy. He didn’t come out because he say us three talking, he came out to see if I was ok and give me a kiss. After the introduction he went right back in to his friends. When I went back into the bar, we socialized a little more and then the bar started to prepare to close. Time flew.

Goodbyes

He asked if i was ready to leave. Unfortunately I had no choice but to say yes. So he walked me to my car. As we were walking I asked him if he wanted to sit in my car while he waited for his Lyft or Uber, and then the words just slipped off of my lips.

“Do you want to come home with me?”

Ok Pause again...

The words slipped my lips but I meant them. I didn't want him to leave. I didnt want to drive home and not have him around me or next to me.

He got in the car and the goodbyes didnt happen.

Goodnight, Good morning

When we got into the house, I changed into what I regularly sleep in. Nothing sexy or remotely attractive. And he stripped down to his boxers or briefs. I wasnt paying attention. The alcohol kicked in for him and i was a little tipsy. Two too many Manhattans lol. I remember asking if he wanted a glass of water and getting it for him... So this is probably where you want to hear all the details on what happened. Sexually... I can’t. God, I want to say everything and be like, we had amazing sex and it lasted all night and blah blah blah.. No... That’s not what happened. Things happened that deserve gold metals, but whatever... I woke up at about 4 or 5 and I thought it was all some sick dream that I had. I went to the bathroom, not even looking at where he was laying. Coming out the bathroom, I saw him sleeping and my heart stopped for a second. It all hit me like lightning hitting a tree and leaving its beautiful artwork. This man chose to spend New Years with me. He is genuine, kind, honest and in my bed sleeping like that has been his side of the bed for years.

I wanted to climb in bed and hold him just so that when i fell back asleep, he wouldn’t disappear. I did, just for a moment though because I dint know if he liked to cuddle. I found out later that i totally could’ve lol.

8 o’clock... We were laying there, and we may not have been able to witness the fireworks the previous night, but we made our own that morning. What the fuck, I’m so cheesy.. This man is... Who is this man??

Have you heard of Malanda Jean-Claude? He’s my favorite writer, and his poetry will leave you completely lost in a forest of confusing, frustrating, necessary love.

I felt like he was writing our story.

This morning has an ending

So, he had to leave at some time. I mean come on now...

But that night was life awaking inside me. I have slept for so long and I didnt know I was ever going to wake up. And to top it off, I regret nothing. I know that I used some strong descriptions with this man, and I’m completely aware that i could be disappointed later, but maybe not. Who knows. Shit, it wasnt us that was making all that happen that night.

We talk everyday. Seriously, i told him that I’m obsessed with his voice. Fuck a text.

Point of the story is this. You can have plans for your life all you want.. You can fall apart and build yourself up again, and repeat this 100times before you die. But dont sleep through life. Embrace the good, accept the bad, learn, grow. And on top of all of that BE LOVED, BE BLESSED, cause your forehead is being kissed every night that you close your eyes to go to sleep. And you lips are being kissed every morning you open your eyes and take that breath.