#i wasn't really planning on doing angst week but I was inspired this morning

[zinder-fox]

I was talking earlier about angst and Dazai committing suicide as part of that. And the following little drabble-thing was spawned from there. (So you can blame @the-port-mafia if this makes you sad. 😁)

I'm throwing this up here because I'm not planning to write a full fic for it, so if you're feeling particularly inspired by this, feel free to do so yourself. I'd love to be tagged in anything that comes out of it!

(there's angst and mention of suicide, so skip this if those bother you.)

"You know, it could be much heavier angst to have Dazai not kill himself." -me, before breakfast this morning.

On the surface, Dazai not killing himself is the opposite of angst. And yet, one could have both. To have Dazai make a promise to Atsushi that he would not try to kill himself anymore. To have to fight against both his baseline desire for death and the added desire to do so after a tragedy strikes, after Atsushi dies. To try to figure out how to live to honor his promise. Living, for Dazai, would be the ultimate agony.

You can also make it worse.

Because Dazai is only human after all. No matter what the name of his ability might imply. One day even he would lose the struggle to keep his promise. Is it days? Weeks? Months? Even years? It doesn't really matter. Everyone had accepted that Atsushi was gone, was dead. Everyone knew he wouldn't be coming back. Even Dazai accepts it eventually. Just one more grave he visits. Oda and now Atsushi. (Would he have them buried near each other? Would he want to be buried there himself?)

But what if Atsushi wasn't dead? Wasn't gone? What if his death had been staged so he could be taken captive, hidden away, experimented on, tortured and abused? What if Atsushi breaks himself free all that time later, only to find that he's too late. That Dazai is gone.

There's something to be said for the poeticism of Atsushi killing himself here. But that's not really in his character, to me. Atsushi wouldn't be the kind of person to commit suicide himself.

So instead, maybe he loses control. Loses the will to control his ability any longer. Lets himself be overtaken by a wild beast entirely. Gives up on living for himself. Atsushi has lost everything he wanted to keep in his life - his freedom many times over, his sanity, maybe even his humanity under experimentation, and now the one person he had come to view as truly safe, as his.

And so he gives in. He lets the tiger have free reign over his body. Lets it have a chance of its own to live.

There's something poetic that even when Atsushi would want to die himself, he can't bring himself to do it. He would instead live on, mind locked away behind the facade of a mindless beast. To live so that his ability can also stay alive. It isn't even a conscious choice he makes - it is all just instinct.

[ruewrote]

𝑑𝑜𝑛𝑡 𝑝𝑢𝑡 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑙𝑎𝑚𝑒 𝑜𝑛 𝑚𝑒.

PAIRING: jj maybank x fem!reader WARNINGS: some strong language GENRE: angst, fluff, friends to lovers SONG INSPIRATION: worst of you by maisie peters WORD COUNT: 1k

navigation | ask | outer banks masterlist

you stood at the end of the dock, at your spot. the tip of your shoe skimming the surface of the water, shivering at the cool breeze that brushed past you.

wrapping your arms tighter around your body, searching for any type of warmth and comfort as you checked the notifications on your phone for what felt like the fifteenth time that hour, some were from pope and sarah but none from jj.

he promised he'd be here this time! you should've known.

this was the third time in two weeks that you would make plans and something had come up, his empty promises filled you with hope, only for him to be a no-show.

the sun was now setting. tears stung your eyes, sniffling whilst looking down at the ripples of the water finding no interest in doing what you were originally here to do.

"im so stupid, i really thought he was going to be here." shaking your head, more tears fell down your cheeks as you stood.

the walk home was absolutely miserable and the rain that had started to drizzle didn't help either. the few drops turned into heavy showers, having felt there was no need for an umbrella earlier on your clothes were now soaked right through down to your underwear.

opening your front door you were greeted by your excited sister waiting for all the juicy details, knowing that you were gonna confess and helped you get ready for the occasion too.

the tears that had once subsided now came flooding back, she just wrapped you up in a firm hug as you sobbed in her arms.

after you had calmed a little she sat you down asking you what happened or if he had rejected you, but you just explained how he never showed up. how he never even sent you a text about it?

"im gonna kick his ass! who even does that? no, no, no let me rephrase that. when has jj ever done that? especially to you of all people!"

that got you thinking, obviously, him not showing was really hurtful in general, but at the same time, it confused you since this was the boy who wouldn't let you carry your school bag as long as he was around or would bring you your favorite coffee in the morning even if he was late.

for the next couple of days, you avoided jj, which wasn't hard since he had different classes than you that week. the times that you guys did bump into each other you either made up an excuse or joined the sea of people who were rushing to get to their next lesson.

this had been far from easy for you, there hadn't really been a time when the two of you weren't together.

now you're here, sitting by yourself in the library doing your history project here since your laptop decided to stop working halfway through.

hours had gone by and you had made a ton of progress on your work, now sitting back and taking a long sip out of your water bottle as you proofread what you had written only to be interrupted by a loud bang from the entrance of the building, making you jump and turn to investigate.

a mistake on your part since you made direct eye contact with the mad blonde. ducking your head, gathering your things together before logging off seeing if there was any way of sneaking past him.

"what have you been?" fuck.

you tried to ignore and walk around him but were only pulled back to face him by your arm. gentle, his touch was so light like it always had been. he'd never hurt you. no matter how angry he got.

"answer me!" jj exclaimed, only to be shushed by the librarians.

everyone was now looking at the two of you, so you grabbed his hand, dragging him out of there. of course only for it to be pouring again.

"you have the audacity to be trying to call me out on this when you've ghosted me for almost a whole week and then expected us to just go back to normal? like everything's okay between us?" you scoffed, running your hands through your hair, huffing out a laugh.

"i was...busy, i couldn't help it! im sorry okay?"

having heard enough of his shit you walked out into the cold with jj following close behind you.

"y/n talk to me!" he shouted over the loud pattering, stopping you in your tracks, whipping around to face him.

"do you know why i asked you to go to our place the other day?"

he just shook his head.

"i have yearned for you for years, in secrecy and silence." your voice was almost a whisper, but he heard you.

"what?"

"its you jj, its always been you... im in love with you." both of your chests heaving heavily, finding it hard to catch your breath in the rain. tears filled your eyes as you tried to look everywhere but him. his stare felt almost too much.

"but you never said anything?" jjs voice broke as his own tears caressed his cheeks but were quickly wiped away by the raindrops.

"how could i? you're looking at me but you don't see me jj. do you know how that feels? i just want you to see me. please."

that's when he strode toward you, placing his hands on your hips and pulling you into him, your arms wrapping around his neck. tilting his head to the side as his lips brushed against yours.

his hands slid to your lower back, deepening the kiss. reaching up you intertwined your fingers in his hair lightly pulling at the wet strands, a muffled groan left him which only made you smile as you pulled away.

"i love you too, by the way, i didn't know if i made that clear or not?" jj joked which only made you playfully punch him.

the next day the two of you were both cuddled up in your bed sniffling, very sick from stupidly standing in a literal storm yesterday, but hey it was totally worth it in the end.

© ruewrote.

[madewithangst]

Guilty as sin? [SVT Dino x Reader]

Welcome to the first part of the TTPD x SVT series! Introducing you to our adorable maknae, who has been the biggest inspiration for me to create and finish a story this week. This song is dedicated to all the dreamers, the fangirls, and those seeking to be treated right. Enjoy!

PAIRING: idol!chan x gn!reader GENRE: angst (too much delusional) WARNINGS: mentions of food and drinks, suggestive, reader has a boyfriend, a few curse words WORD COUNT: 3.8k

Series Masterlist | Next

"𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐞"

It wasn't supposed to end like this. This journey was supposed to be a brief interlude in the grand scheme of things. Yet, here you are. In this reality. In this present.

You were running late that day.

Well, at least that's how you look at it. You prided yourself on never making anyone wait—a firm believer that punctuality was a virtue you held dear, never wanting to inconvenience others. Everything you needed was already prepared and waiting by the door. As you waited for your ride, you have your best friend on the phone.

"And then how's the boyfriend?"

"He's great."

"You're still seeing him," he remarked, more to himself than to you. You found it unusual to hear his tone lacking the usual enthusiasm as you were more accustomed to his cheerful demeanour.

"It's not that easy, Cheol."

"Fine, we'll talk when you get here. By the way, I know you're not good with strangers, but is it alright if I ask one of my members to pick you up instead? I'm out of the way, and he'll pass by your apartment on the way. It's alright if you don't want to, though."

Do I have a choice? you wanted to retort, but you knew Seungcheol too well. He was the kind of person who wouldn't even let you open the door for yourself; he was just that thoughtful.

"Is he nice?"

"Very much, unlike that dick you're dating. He's the baby in our group!" You ignored his not so subtle insult he just threw about your boyfriend. You sense a hint of pride visible in his voice. So you tried to tease lightly to lighten the mood, "So, a superstar's gonna drive me?"

"Hey, why don't you say that when I'm the one driving you?"

"Fine. I trust your judgment. Just, tell him I'm super awkward, alright?"

"Don't worry. He's pretty good with people. I'll tell him not to be weird."

"𝐈 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧' 𝐥𝐨𝐜𝐤��

𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐰𝐢𝐧' 𝐦𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐥𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐜𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤𝐬

𝐂𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧' 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐦 𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭, 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐱"

"Hi, I'm Lee Chan!"

You went to step out on the porch a full 30 minutes earlier than planned, determined not to keep your ride waiting. The early morning air was crisp, and the faint glow of dawn was just beginning to lighten the sky. Just as you took the first step down the porch stairs, a car pulled into your driveway, surprising you.

You quickly gathered all your things. Lee Chan greeted you with a friendly smile, and you returned the gesture with a bow before carefully getting into the passenger seat. "Good morning, hi! I'm so sorry. I really hope I'm not bothering you."

"Not really, it's fine. I'm going to pass by your apartment anyway."

"Cheol insists and I couldn't say no," you explained, feeling immense gratitude for his understanding. His tone was light and easygoing, which calmed you a bit.

"Well, it's Cheollie. It's fine, really!" he laughed, clearly trying to ease any tension, which seemed to work. "It's okay if you want to stay silent, alright? I'll just turn on the radio. I hope you don't mind."

"Oh no, I don't. It's your car."

During the drive, the boy made light small talk, about the weather, your impression of South Korea so far, and how you and Seungcheol knew each other, "We go way back, like elementary school levels," you shared, smiling at the memories. "I appreciate how he hasn't forgotten his roots, even after all the achievements he's had." You also mentioned that you were a sound engineer.

His friendly demeanour and natural charm made the journey feel shorter than it was. You found yourself laughing at his jokes and stories, enjoying the unexpected company.

You had arrived at the studio without realizing it.

"Hey Chan, thank you so much for this. I owe you," you expressed your gratitude as you both got out of the car, very appreciative of his kindness.

"Don't mention it!" he replied with a smile, waving goodbye as you went your separate ways.

You met Seungcheol in the cafeteria to grab breakfast and catch up before proceeding with the recording. As you watched from the control room, you were overjoyed with all the gadgets and equipment, finding it a little funny and impressive how all thirteen boys managed to record so quickly, considering they only got 1-2 lines per song.

The atmosphere in the studio was lively, and you couldn't help but feel excited to be a part of it all.

The recording process stretched on for a week, followed by several more weeks for mastering. During this time, you had the opportunity to build a rapport with the staff, particularly with Jihoon, whose dedication and talent in producing the songs left you in awe each day.

You also had the chance to meet the other members, but your interactions were quite limited due to their celebrity status. They were always surrounded by tight security, even within the studio premises, unless Seungcheol came to check in on you. One time, while you were helping out the audio department, Seungcheol checked on you along with Chan.

"What are you even doing here? You don't even care about me," Jihoon playfully chided, nudging Chan away as he reached for the audio mixer's controls.

"It's because I'm not here for you, loser! I'm checking in on YN!" They were playfully pushing each other, almost like kids playing, which you were grateful for, or else they would've seen how red you turned.

Jihoon settled back into his big ass producer chair, a big grin on his face and you couldn't help but feel that he needed that short break; he had been working nonstop the whole day, glued to that chair. "What a friend you are, Chan."

"Hi Y/N! How are you?" Chan greeted warmly with his signature charm, his smile infectious.

"Chan, hey. I'm good. Actually just being amazed every day by Jihoon," you tried to express your admiration for his talent. The two boys joined in, showering Jihoon with compliments, and you could see the blush on his face, a clear sign of the love and appreciation he received from everyone. You thought he was humble.

As you and Chan caught up, you couldn't help but notice the genuine kindness and warmth in Chan's demeanor.

This led you to look at him in a way you knew you shouldn't, feeling a fleeting moment of attraction that left you momentarily conflicted, your thoughts briefly drifting to your boyfriend. Your mind wandered, 'When will my own boyfriend ask me how I am?'

Scoups announced they had to leave.

"Ji, take care of Y/N," they bid their goodbyes and exchanged hugs. Chan surprised you by pulling you into a hug as well. As you felt his embrace, you couldn't shake the feeling of longing that lingered after he left, a stark contrast to the fleeting thought of your boyfriend.

"𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐮𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧' 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐤𝐢𝐧

𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐈 𝐛𝐞 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐭𝐲 𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐢𝐧?"

When the mastering was completed, a company party was held to celebrate the accomplishments, but it was exclusive to all creatives responsible for the producing and mastering. You were fortunate enough to be friends with Seungcheol and had also won Jihoon's friendship along the process, so you received an invite.

At the party, you mingled with many of the creatives, expanding your network and soaking in the knowledge and experiences of seasoned professionals. You found yourself inspired by their stories and insights, feeling more motivated than ever to pursue your own career in the industry.

As the night went on, you couldn't help but reflect on how far you had come since starting your journey. A beautiful warm feeling in your heart as you look at all the opportunities you had received and excited for what the future held.

The party had a semi-formal dress code, so you opted for smart slacks to ensure comfort throughout the evening.

As your social battery began to drain, you found a moment to sit down at a round table. A waiter promptly served your food, and shortly after, Chan approached and asked, "Is this seat taken?"

"No, go ahead, sit."

True to form, Chan's presence was comforting, and any hint of your earlier drained battery seemed to vanish as if Chan had electrified you with energy.

You both shared laughs, with Chan mostly cracking jokes and pointing out random people, sharing funny anecdotes about them. You found this particularly amusing as you had met and knew half of them from the mastering process.

"Have you tried their cocktail yet? It's so good!"

"Oh, and don't forget to apply Vaseline to your lips every night."

"Moisturizer! Every time I finish shaving."

He was just an ordinary guy, chatting with you about the most everyday things. That's what you liked about Chan—there was never a dull moment when he was around. You were starting to get used to his presence, finding comfort in his company.

Seungcheol and Jeonghan took seats in front of you. "Is this guy bothering you, Y/N?" Seungcheol asked jokingly.

"Why would you even say that?" the boy beside you just whined like a baby. You laughed and carried on with your conversation, enjoying the lively atmosphere of the party.

After a few drinks, the both of you were now eating pasta. Chan took a bite from your plate, and a piece fell on your thigh. "Shit, I'm sorry," he exclaimed.

You both burst into hysterical laughter at the randomness of the situation. Chan quickly took the piece off, whilst you're relieved that you were wearing pants. A faint stain was left, "Hey, it looks like a cursive 'M.'"

As Chan's finger traced the cursive "M" on your thigh, you couldn't help but feel a rush of emotions. His touch, so gentle yet electrifying, sent a shiver down your spine, and a warm sensation spread through your body. His smile was innocent, but the effect it had on you was intense. You were acutely aware of the world around you seemingly stopping, leaving just the two of you trapped in a bubble with his burning touch.

You locked eyes with Chan, and for a moment, you couldn't help but notice how close he was. His presence was comforting yet exhilarating, and you found yourself leaning slightly into his touch, wanting more but also hesitant to show it. You were lost in the moment, caught between the warmth of his touch and the realization that this was a line you shouldn't cross.

Eventually, the spell was broken as Soonyoung approached to whisk Chan away for another one of their antics. As Chan withdrew his hand, the spell seemed to break, and you became aware of the bustling party around you once again. You could feel your cheeks flush with a mixture of embarrassment and excitement, and you quickly looked away to try to compose yourself.

He excused himself and as you watched them go, you couldn't shake the feeling of being caught in a surreal moment, wondering what it all meant and where it might lead.

In front of you, you felt a burning gaze. "What?"

"Can I talk to you?" Seungcheol asked, his tone serious as he gestured towards an empty hallway.

"𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐟 𝐡𝐞'𝐬 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 "𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐞" 𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝?"

"Chan, really? Of all the boys, you chose Chan?"

"What are you talking about?" You tried to keep your voice low, but you already had a feeling of where this conversation was going.

"You know, I wouldn't mind it because you're seeing a jerk and I want you to be happy. But Chan? It's Chan who you fell for?" Seungcheol's tone was a mix of confusion and concern.

"Can you please lower your voice? People might hear you!" Y/N whispered urgently, glancing around to make sure they weren't drawing attention.

"You—" Seungcheol paused, catching himself before saying something he might regret. He took a deep breath, trying to calm his racing thoughts.

When he finally regained his composure, he looked at you, silently urging you to continue. He's never given this look at you before so you just looked down in fear, "how did you know?"

"Uhm, the way you looked?" You met his gaze, feeling a wave of embarrassment wash over you. "Sorry, but it wasn't that subtle, just in case you don't know." You groaned, feeling like your secret was suddenly out in the open when it was supposed to be locked up in a tiny vault, never to be opened.

"Damn it. It was your fault!"

"Mine?!" As the ever-good leader of Seventeen group, Seungcheol was obviously taken aback by this accusation.

"You introduced him to me!" You tried pointing out, but even you weren't convinced by it. You just fell, and you fell hard.

"Oh my god, you've been crushing on him since that day?" The man in front of you looked so pale like a ghost.

"What's so bad about Chan? I get that I'm seeing someone right now, but it's not like something will blossom from this. I'm coming home in a few days anyway," you defended.

"I don't know. It's just weird. He's like a little brother," Seungcheol explained, trying to make sense of his feelings.

"I hate to break it to you, Cheol, but he's an adult and he's not your kid."

Their conversation was cut short when they heard the boys running down the hallway, their voices loud and boisterous.

"Cheollie!" Mingyu called out, followed by Soonyoung and Chan, their voices filled the empty hallway like a bunch of kids running around.

"See what I mean?" You actually found the situation funny, you got his look understanding exactly what he was referring to.

"Hey, is it alright if I bail early? I suddenly don't feel well," you asked, your expression turning slightly uneasy.

"I'll tell my driv--" Seungcheol was interrupted by Mingyu crashing into him and hiding behind his back.

"Cheollie, look at these two!" Mingyu exclaimed, attempting but failing to hide himself.

"I swear to god if you three don't behave yourselves! We're at a company event, not in a GOSE episode," Seungcheol scolded. You felt like he had been through so much that night already—dealing with you and Chan, and then managing the antics of the other boys too.

He then turned to you, "Just tell my driver to come back right after. This party doesn't seem like it's ending soon."

"Huh? You're leaving already, Y/N?" Chan asked disappointment was evident in his tone, but you didn't dwell on it too much.

"Yeah, I don't really drink much, so I got a little light-headed with the drinks we had."

"Oh, I didn't even feel a kick," he boasted.

"Of course, frat boy, it's you," Soonyoung teased him. You don't know why boys do that but they seem to always slap some shit out of their friends when they're all teasing.

"Oy! I'm not a drunk!"

"Yeah, right," Mingyu joined.

"Well, good night, everyone!" you bid your farewell and started to make your way back inside.

"Can I walk you, at least?" Chan offered, looking genuinely concerned.

You exchanged a glance with the eldest, "Oh, it's fine. I'm good. Thank you for the offer, though," you tried to sound politely as you can, feeling a mix of relief and uncertainty about your decision.

"Alright, well have a good night, Y/N," Chan said warmly, bidding you goodbye as the others chimed in to greet too.

You turned to leave the party coming home with a pang of regret, wondering if you should have accepted Chan's offer after all.

Returning to your apartment, the weight of disappointment that usually accompanied your boyfriend's predictable good morning text was conspicuously absent. Instead, there was a curious sense of relief, as if a burden had been lifted from your shoulders.

As you settled in, the memory of Chan lingered, his presence more vivid than ever. You couldn't shake the feeling of warmth that had enveloped you in his company, a stark contrast to the mundane routine of your current relationship.

The night replayed in your mind like a movie. You remembered the way Chan's eyes lit up when he talked about his passions, the genuine interest he showed in your own stories, and the way he made you feel seen and understood in a way your boyfriend never had. The laughter, the camaraderie, the easy banter with Chan—all of it felt more real and vibrant than anything you had experienced in a long time.

You remember the way his finger drew burns on your skin.

You couldn't help but compare the excitement and genuine connection you felt with Chan to the monotony and predictability of your relationship with your boyfriend. His single text message, a mere formality, now seemed like a stark reminder of what was lacking in your current situation.

Despite the late hour and the day's activities leaving you tired, sleep eluded you as you lay in bed, your thoughts consumed by Chan. You found yourself wondering about what could've been.

You hadn't returned to the studio since the party, as you weren't needed there anyway.

"Cheol, I'm coming home early," you decided, thinking it would be best to leave before your feelings grew unrequited.

"I thought you still had a few more days?" even through a phone call, his surprised voice is pretty evident.

"Yeah, I thought I'd start early, you know? Got a lot to prepare."

"Alright, well, this is so sudden. I planned on hanging out before you leave but, if that's what you want, sure. Do you already have your plane ticket?" he inquired.

"Yup. Find someone else to spoil, not me. You've already spoiled me enough with this part-time opportunity!" you joked. "I can't thank you enough."

"What can I say? I'm the best."

"You actually are," you admitted sincerely, feeling a warmth in your chest from the precious relationship you have with your best friend.

"Well, when will I see you again?" he asked, even if you haven't left yet, you can already hear the longing in his voice.

In school reunions?" you joke to try to lighten the mood.

"Ha-ha."

"I'm just a phone call away, Cheol," you reassured him, hoping to offer some comfort. The bond you shared was strong, and you knew that no matter the distance, your friendship would endure.

With that, you flew away from South Korea without looking back. However, your thoughts couldn't seem to leave that place.

"𝐌𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐳𝐞

𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞

𝐁𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐢𝐧' 𝐮𝐩 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐬 𝐜𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧' 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐲 𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐯𝐞"

"Hi, baby. Look, I know you must be upset, but please hear me out."

You stood at the airport, the cold, sterile surroundings matching the numbness in your heart.

It's now almost an hour.

Each minute stretching like an eternity, as you waited for your ride home. This situation was all too familiar, a painful routine of either waiting for him or picking him up.

"I'll just call you a taxi, alright? And then, I'm gonna treat you to a nice dinner. Sounds good?"

Dinner was indeed nice, except for the part where he brought his whole group of friends. As much as you wanted to catch up with your boyfriend, the whole time you just wanted to lie down in bed, too jet-lagged from all the traveling that day.

Physically, you were there, but mentally, you were still in the studio. You were still at that party. You were still with Chan.

You felt a hand on your thigh, a gesture meant to reassure, but it only served to highlight the growing distance between you. His touch felt foreign, a stark contrast to the intimacy it once held.

It felt like he was encroaching on your space. Despite the happiness of being home and the prospect of spending more time together, every interaction felt jarring, out of sync.

Each kiss felt like poison, leaving a bitter taste on your lips. Every hug seemed to suffocate, the embrace too tight, too restricting. Every touch sent shivers down your spine, but not the kind that thrilled. They felt cold, devoid of the warmth you once knew.

And with every climax, you found yourself calling out a different name in your head, a silent plea for something more, something real.

"𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐬𝐨 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐥𝐲"

The day rushed past as the first music video from the album was completed. You had the exclusive opportunity to view it before its public release. Seungcheol even asked for your genuine review and your reaction was beyond words. Your involvement in its production gave you a unique perspective, witnessing the meticulous effort and creative genius behind every scene.

Seeing the boys perform with such passion and talent warmed your heart. Especially seeing him. As a member of the performance team, his dancing prowess was expected, but witnessing it live was awe-inspiring.

A tear escaped, tracing a path down your cheek, a mix of pride and a deep yearning for Seungcheol's advice. While you could end your relationship now, it wasn't that simple. Your career was your priority, and you craved stability, something you doubted Chan could provide as a pop star. While you longed for adventure, what you truly needed was a sense of security and stability in your life.

You yearn for the way Chan makes you feel when you're with him. His presence is like a burst of energy, always leaving you electrified and invigorated. It's a stark contrast to the dynamics of what you actually have now in a relationship.

Seungcheol did mention Chan asking how you've been doing and all that. This made you realize that you needed to distance yourself. Choosing not to entertain thoughts of Chan any longer seemed like the only sensible solution. After all, as a pop star, entertaining others was part of his nature, and you didn't want to be just another audience member in his life, they were programmed to do just that, even for you.

It wasn't supposed to end like this. This journey was supposed to be a brief interlude in the grand scheme of things. Yet, here you are. In this reality. In this present.

But in another life, you would choose you and him religiously.

PSA: This is a work of pure fiction. Any names, events, times, or places mentioned are purely for entertainment and are entirely fictional (well, except for the names of the members).

© All copyrights for the title, lyrics, and concept of this work belong to Taylor Swift. The plot and dialogue of the story are entirely original and created by me, unless explicitly stated otherwise. Unauthorized use, reproduction, or distribution of this work may result in legal action.

[hairstevington]

mysterious ways (Steddie Week 2023)

Eddie Munson x Steve Harrington

Hello all! I am participating in Steddie week this year, and I am doing a seven part series reflecting each of the seven prompts. Thank you @steddie-week for the challenge! I will only have this first part on Tumblr, but will post the next six chapters each day on Ao3, so follow along over there if you're into it! :)

Summary: Steve feels lonely after the earthquake. Somewhere deep in the Upside Down, new life is born. (Prompts: Hunger - Pining - Somebody to Love by Queen)

WC: 1.4K (each part is going to be pretty short I think)

Warnings: Kas!Eddie/Steve, canon universe post-season 4, pining, angst, a bit darker than my usual fare but not by much, PS this fic will have a happy ending because all my fics do lol

A/N: I wasn't planning on doing Steddie week because I'm going through a bit of a tough time right now but I randomly felt inspired today, so I'm giving it a go. Shout out to @skjachukson for requesting Kas Eddie, I have a feeling I'll be writing him more after this lmao

Sometimes, when things are at their worst, Steve can shrug and say, “hey - it’s not the end of the world.” 

Of course, in Hawkins, it often is the end of the world. So now, Steve has no idea what to tell himself. 

His hometown, which - let’s be real - was never that glamorous, is now in shambles. After the “earthquake,” almost everyone fled, which was valid. The ones who stayed were mainly those who’d been directly involved, or those who have nowhere else to go. Many people lost everything, and Steve tries to give back where he can - they all do - but a lot of the time he’s just sad. 

His hometown was split in four, and all of his friends are in love. 

Steve feels so dumb for even caring, but he does. All he ever wanted was to be loved, really, and he’s gotten the short end of the stick the last few years. He used to feel on top of the world, and now he’s - well, he had been in the Upside Down, which was probably as close as he could get to the literal opposite of the top of the world. 

His friends found happiness where they could  - mostly through crushes and girlfriends and boyfriends. Steve doesn’t have any of that right now. He doesn’t even know where to look. Everything around him is sad. 

Robin and Vickie had bonded over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, of all things. Since then, she’s been volunteering every chance she can with Vickie. Steve joins too, sometimes, but he feels very much like a third wheel. 

Some random dude with incredible hair and an even more incredible name (seriously, who names their kid Argyle?) showed up with Mike, Will, El, and Jonathan in a pizza van. A day later, the guy decided to drive back to Utah to visit his one true love or something. A woman with an equally badass name - Eden.

Steve wasn’t surprised when Dustin wanted to join, because apparently Eden lives with Suzie. Still, Steve was baffled by the whole thing. Usually, some sort of alarm would go off in his head about his surrogate little brother going on a road trip with a stoner, but Argyle seemed nice enough. 

Although, he did unironically use the word “brochacho,” and Steve didn’t really know how he felt about that. 

Steve knew Dustin was taking - uh, things - super hard, and so Steve encouraged any sort of break for the guy. Visiting Suzie seemed like the perfect way for Dustin to decompress, especially after what happened. 

So, Dustin took off. Robin’s busy. Steve is too mortified to even look at Nancy after he’d basically professed his love for her and she brutally rejected him and stayed with Jonathan. Lucas spends all of his time with Max. El and Mike are inseparable. 

That leaves Will. Steve doesn’t know Will that well, but he’s so lonely he doesn’t care if he comes off desperate or weird or whatever. 

Steve shows up at the Byers’ residence one Saturday morning, looking like a total dork. Hopper answers the door, even though Steve would have far preferred Joyce. She’s less, uhhh -

“Steve?” Hopper asks, gruffly. “What are you doing here?”

“I, um - I’m looking for -”

“Is that Steve?” a familiar voice calls from the living room. 

Ah, shit.

“Hey, uh, Nancy,” Steve says, giving a small wave. 

“Is something wrong?” she asks, joining Hopper at the door. 

“No, I -” Steve sighs. He’s mortified to even be in this situation. It was such a stupid plan in the first place. “I’m looking for Will. Is Will here?”

“Umm, yeah,” Nancy responds, retreating back into the house to presumably get her boyfriend’s little brother. 

“What do you need Will for?” Hopper asks, suspiciously. 

“Jeez, relax, Sheriff,” Steve replies. “I just wanted to talk to him. I’m the babysitter, remember?”

This explanation seems good enough for Hopper, even though Steve hasn’t really interacted with Will much prior to this. Not directly, anyway. He’d let the kids in to see movies for free back when he worked at Scoops, but that was it. 

After a full thirty seconds of awkward, painful silence, Will comes to the door. 

“Hey, kid,” Steve says. Hopper and the others had thankfully walked away to give them some privacy. “Do you - do you want to go to the music store with me?”

Will stares at him blankly for a moment, then shouts to the others behind him. 

“Mom! I’ll be back later!” 

Steve smiles, triumphantly. 

“Okay, have fun!” Joyce’s voice rings from somewhere in the house. “Be home by 5 for dinner!”

“You got it, Mrs. Byers!” Steve yells into the void. “Okay, let’s go.”

Will hurriedly walks out of the house and shuts the door behind him, then sighs in relief. 

“Thank god you’re here,” he says. “All the couples are driving me crazy.” Steve chuckles. 

“You and me both.”

-

Will turns out to be excellent company. He has good taste in music, and he’s funny. A little nerdy, like Dustin, but much quieter about it. They get along great, and end up spending a few hours together.

“My brother said he’d be there for me, and now he’s back to spending all his time with Nancy,” Will complains. 

“Yeah, well Nancy broke my heart into a million pieces, so,” Steve replies. 

Then, they riff on how annoying Jonathan and Nancy’s relationship is for a while. They aren’t saying anything out of genuine dislike for either party, but it’s still some much needed venting. Steve listens to Will talk about Mike and El, and that’s when he picks up on some things in between the lines. 

Maybe having a gay best friend makes him better at detecting that sort of thing. 

They pick out a bunch of music and listen to it as they drive around for a while. They both are big fans of Queen, so they blast that first. They get a little too into singing along to Somebody to Love, but neither of them poke fun at the other for it. As much as Steve and Dustin tease each other, and as much as he complains about being the babysitter, Steve loves these kids with all his heart. All of them, even the ones he doesn’t know as well, like Will. He would do anything to protect them. He’d done quite a bit already.

He drops Will off before dinner as promised, then heads home. It’s only after he passes by Forest Hills that he starts to think about Things again. The Things that he tries to suppress. The Things that bubble beneath the surface at any given moment. 

The Things that led up to the Earthquake. He isn’t ready to think about them. Not yet, maybe not ever. 

So yes, it’s far easier to reach out to other people who understand, and to cling to them as long as he can. And then he goes home, and instead of letting his mind drift to those dark places, he starts singing Queen under his breath. 

It’s stupid. It won't fix anything. But still, the need is there.

All he wants is somebody to love. 

-

Hawkins has begun to crack open, and soon what lay beneath will rise. 

It’s a dark place - somewhere that’s always on the verge of a storm. The energy in the air is thick with dread and impending doom. The creatures that live there are something that people may cast off as fictional, because their eyes aren’t open yet to how terrifying and big the world really is. 

Monsters, of all kinds. Some who had once been human, some who prey on humanity. Evil forces that keep kids awake at night. Forces that their parents insist are in their imagination. 

How foolish to think an imagination could be so vivid. Then again, perhaps imagination is what created this place to begin with. It could also be what sustains it.

A flash of lightning. Bats scattering. 

There’s a body somewhere in the fog, going through a transformation. Wings, teeth, and hunger. It takes several days for the body to resemble its altered form - one of strength, intimidation, and a deeply-rooted instinct for evil. 

Once complete, the body gasps in its new life. The soul of a tortured boy once occupied this space, but now there’s something else within him too - something ancient. 

Eddie Munson’s glowing eyes snap open.

He’s starving.

----------------------------

@paintballkid711 @abraca-fxckyou @allbimyself26 @jellybabiesforall @allbymyselfexceptformycactus @justaloadofgarbage-blog @alliemunsonsstuff @undreamingnscatworld @hobbitnarwhal @calivanus @wreckmyplans-thatsmyman @antheia @goodolefashionedloverboi @lillemilly @missmagillicuddy @steviesbicrisis @gamerdano @menamesniall eyeslikewildflowers111 @callmesirkay @stringischeese @eds-trashmouth @mnl-enuh @redfreckledwolf @itsanarrum @soulsofstarsliveinyourveins @gregre369 @stevesbipanic @momotonescreaming @aryakanojiaa @wrenisflying @comicmadlover @lilacrobin @itch-my-b0nez @anonymousbandgirl @disastardly @dangdirtydemons @daisyellsong @val-from-lawrence @starryeyedpoet17 @taikawaiteatea @clumsiluni @hollysimone @swimmingbirdrunningrock @witchofhawkins @steddiegarbage @suddenlyinlove @ricekristytreaty @eddielives1986

[cleanlenins]

Going Angst Week: Day One

Birth/Creation

Read on AO3

He had the best friends. He knew that, and he was always grateful. More grateful than he had ever been able to express to them. They had been with him through the really hard times. The hardest times of his life.

When he had lost his scholarship because of his own stupidity, they had helped him get a job so he didn't have to drop out and move back home. Working at the Packers Stadium could be hard, but he got free tickets! He would often drag his friends with him. All three of them decked out in green and gold, shouting their support until they were hoarse. They would all collapse in his apartment after the game,a big pile on the stained second-hand couch that would creak under their combined weight.

When he had struggled with picking a major, they had encouraged him to do what he was passionate about. It was his life to live. They gave him the courage to stand up to his dad, and change from the Business Course to Ectobiology. He had never been more happy or more terrified. Even through his father's scathing insults, he never felt more sure of himself.

When he had made the decision to get away from his family for good, they were there every step of the way. He would never be good enough in his mom's eyes, always second place to his younger brother. The outcast and loser. Nothing more than a mistake. But his friends helped him see that he didn't deserve to be treated like that. Even helped him pick out a new last name when he finally scrounged enough cash to get it changed legally. Masters. Maddie had said it was fitting for someone who had now become the master of his own life. Jack just pouted because Fenton had been thrown out so quickly.

Vlad wanted to laugh at the memory. All he could manage was a painful wheeze against the oxygen mask on his face. Every breath was a nightmare, like breathing in the fires of hell. He imagined he could feel each tongue of flame licking the inside of his chest. Consuming him. The liquid that filled his lungs did nothing to quench the burn. Only succeeding in making the once natural response so unbearably hard. He struggled to draw another breath. And another.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

He didn't know what had gone wrong with the proto-portal. He hadn't expected it to turn on when it did. He had merely been inspecting the hardware, making sure that there were no loose wires or misplaced panels. Then there was so much green light. And his face! The painful welts were the least of it. Ectoplasm was radioactive, even if only mildly. He couldn't put Jack and Maddie in danger, too. What if it spread? He couldn't do that.

He had gone straight to the hospital. Driving had been hard, as he was blinded by the constant water pouring from his eyes. He would like to lie to himself and say it was only because of the damage done to his eyes. That the ecto-burns had damaged the tearducts and were causing his eyes to water. That he was stronger than crying from pain. Maddie would say that was the sort of toxic foolishness his dad had drilled into him. She was usually right about that sort if thing.

He had lost his vision a week after the accident. Everything had faded, a red tint that grew darker and covered his whole field of vision before he could see nothing. He had cried, the salty tears stinging against the open sores on his face.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

He knew that he wasn't allowed guests. That the doctors and nurses had to wear specialized PPE, as no one was sure how the unknown substance would affect the people around him. Government mandated. But Vlad knew better. Rules would not stop Jack Fenton from coming to see him. Jack had helped Vlad break into his parents' house to retrieve some of his stuff. Jack was not a stealthy man, though, and they were caught immediately. It was a good thing Maddie's Grandad was a well-respected Officer, otherwise they would have ended up in jail. They needn't of bothered breaking in, anyway. His parents had already thrown away all of his stuff.

So he knew. He didn't have a single doubt. Any second, he would hear the booming voice of his best friend coming down the hallway. The door would slam open, the hinges nearly ripped from the wall. He probably wouldn't get to stay more than five minutes before he was kicked out, but the amount of life Jack could bring in a room was limitless. Vlad knew that when his friend got here, he would find the strength to pull through this. The pain would be like nothing.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Maddie would be more subtle. She might even get to stay for an hour before she was noticed. And Vlad would treasure it. He had hoped she would show up before he had completely lost his ability to speak, the radiation had completely fried his vocal chords after the first month. After a month and a half he had lost all muscle function in his face and had to be intubated. 

But he would find a way to confess his feelings. He didn't know when his feelings of friendship and admiration had changed to romantic feelings, but he wanted her to know. He needed her to know. She was the one that always berated him for hiding his feelings from them. She had given more than one lecture about how friends should rely on each other, and that he didn't need to hide how he felt from them. She would always accept him, no matter what.

He hadn't been able to move his fingers for the past week, but he knew that when she walked in he would find the strength to write out his feelings. Even if he had to tap it in morse code. She had taught him how to do that. It would almost be poetic.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

He didn't know how he had survived without Jack and Maddie. The neglect he had suffered from his parents had seemed normal, had seemed like love before he had met his friends. It was like being raised on bread and water, and suddenly being presented a feast. With them, he could do anything. He was in control of his life. When they got here, everything would work out. He knew he would have a long recovery period. But they would help him every step of the way, just like they always had.

He missed them so much.

He was so tired.

He should rest a bit, for when they get here. He didn't want to sleep the whole time.

Breathe in.

Bre----

[the-bau-quinjet]

Six Years

Summary: Y/N forgets her life with Steve, but it's not as simple as just remembering.

Warnings: uh angst maybe?, migraines, nothing that bad I think

Word Count: 12,901

a/n: look I am and always will be a Steve girly. Chris finally winning Sexiest Man may have inspired me to finish this

Masterlist

If you had to choose one word for how you felt in this exact moment, it would be tired. Granted, that’s not an uncommon occurrence, but it just felt… more this time. Your eyelids felt like paperweights, far too heavy to even consider opening. Your entire body was fighting your consciousness, begging you for more sleep. Who were you to say no to another five minutes?

You let out a low groan, rolling over to find a more comfortable position. Your body protested the move, but if you were going to fall back to sleep you absolutely had to roll over.

"Y/N?" You were too tired to really pay attention to the voice, simply responding with your current plan of action.

"Five more minutes," you grumbled inaudibly, barely able to form the words. Your throat was too dry. It felt as though you hadn't used your voice for weeks.

"What?" The voice was closer this time. You managed to clear your throat, doing nothing to hide your annoyance at being disturbed.

"I said, five more minutes," your throat scratched as you spoke louder, only resulting in another groan from you.

Of all the things you expected in response to that statement, laughter was pretty low on the list. Maybe if they were laughing because you were supposed to be up an hour ago and you were going to be late for work, but that wasn't what you heard.

No, this laughter was shocked, maybe a bit disbelieving, but overall happy. As if the person laughing was pleased to hear your early morning grumbling. Well, at least you assumed it was morning.

You rolled toward the voice, still fighting with your eyelids to open, When you finally managed it, your eyes burned from the harsh light. It didn't even feel overly bright, but it seems you'd grown used to the dark and weren't ready to face daylight again.

"Why are you laughing at me?" you groaned, finally accepting the fact that you were now awake. Although, you regretted that almost instantly. Being awake enough to open your eyes meant being awake enough to feel how sore and worn out your body felt. "And what the hell did I drink last night?"

The last thing you remember, you were coming home from your last final, ready to party it up with your roommate. You don't even remember opening the drinks, let alone any partying that came after.

"I'm sorry..." You refocused on the voice, rubbing your eyes in an attempt to get used to the lights. "It's not funny. Just, only you would ask for five more minutes after waking up from a coma. Steve's gonna be so pissed he wasn't here."

A coma? Steve? Your thoughts were suddenly racing. You finally managed to open your eyes well enough to see, voice failing you as you took in your surroundings. The voice was definitely not your roommate. In fact, it was a brunette man you don't recall ever meeting before. And you were not, in fact, in your bed- or even in your apartment.

The room looked like a hospital, but fancier. Maybe a private facility? You could hear the faintest of beeps indicating your heart was in fact pumping. It wasn't as jarring as the equipment in an actual hospital. You would know. You worked in one.

"Where am I? What happened? Who..." you trailed off when you noticed the mystery man's metal arm. He seemed relieved to see you were okay, although he was ignoring you in favor of texting someone. When he finally looked up, you nearly stopped breathing. Good lord, that man is attractive.

You opened your mouth to ask more questions when the door on the other side of the room flew open. Startled by the sudden noise, you shrieked, turning with wide eyes to stare at the intruder.

It was another mystery man, blonde this time. Also wickedly attractive. What are they feeding these people? His blue eyes were filled with relief, although you had no idea why it would be over you. Yet again, the second you opened your mouth the brunette started talking.

"She just woke up punk, take a deep breath," he chuckled when the blonde glared at him.

"And I would have been here for it if you didn't make me leave, jerk," he huffed in response, only confusing you more. Why was he so pressed to be here when you woke up? You looked between them, mouth agape and eyebrows furrowed. It seemed the movement caught their attention, suddenly two pairs of blue eyes were focused on you.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay?" The blonde one took your hand, holding it with a gentleness you wouldn't expect from such a large person. Your gaze flickered between his eyes and his hand, confusion still fogging up your brain.

"What happened?" you started with the basics. "Where am I?" Something was telling you not to ask about the identity of the men with you. It felt as though they knew who you were, and you wanted answers.

"You're in the med bay. The last mission you were on, it was a setup." The brunette started to answer your questions, but he trailed off when he noticed your confusion only grew with each word he spoke.

"What mission?" you emphasized the word, thrown off by the men acting like you're some sort of spy.

"What's the last thing you remember?" The brunette asked the question. The blonde was beginning to make you nervous with his aggressive staring, even if it seemed to be coming from a good place.

"I... I just finished my last final. It was my last class before graduation, and I was planning to go out with Jess to celebrate being done with school..." The answers to your previous questions did very little to fill you in, so you asked the obvious question you'd been holding back. "Who are you?"

The two men tilted their heads, their confusion clearly evident. It would have been funny how similar they reacted if you weren't so damn confused.

It was their turn to be cut off by the arrival of somebody new. Or in this case, multiple somebodies. The med bay, as the brunette put it, was suddenly full of people, none of whom seemed familiar to you in the least. At least not on a personal level.

"Tony Stark?" you whispered, but it seemed some of them still heard you.

"You really asked for five more minutes after being in a coma for a month?" Tony Stark himself spoke as if he knew you personally, really adding to the headache you've felt growing since you woke up. Although, Tony's presence did do one good thing for you. It suddenly clicked who the two mystery men were.

Realizing you are in the presence of the Avengers, while trying to figure out what the fuck was going on, combined with hearing some sort of mission put you in a coma for a month really took a lot out of a person.

"I kind of wish I just went back to sleep," you muttered, rubbing your head with your free hand since the newly identified Steve Rogers was still holding the other one.

"The last thing you remember is finishing college?" he finally spoke up, earning confused looks from everyone but the other newly identified man, Bucky Barnes.

"Yes? I mean, I think so..." The room grew quiet after your admission, nobody knowing where to go from there. "How long ago was that?"

Suddenly, the pattern of the tiles on the floor grew more interesting than this conversation for nearly everyone in the room. The only one who maintained eye contact was Steve. You could see the hurt in his eyes when he finally admitted just how much of your life you'd forgotten.

"Six years ago," he whispered, just loud enough for you to hear. You squeezed his hand when the new information registered, needing something to anchor you or else you may just pass out again.

"Si-six years? It's been six years? What the fuck happened to me?" Your breathing sped up as you began to panic, the feeling of the medical equipment stuck to you was too much. Everything was too much. Nothing made sense. "No. No that can't be right. No, because I just finished school..."

The room started spinning. Everyone was staring at you, their mouths moving but you couldn't hear any words. Your eyes flickered from one face to another, the panic growing with each second you couldn't make out what they were saying, and then everything went black.

-

You groaned as you woke up, body still aching. For a few blissful seconds, you forgot about the team of heroes who informed you six years of your life had passed. The ignorance didn't last long, resulting in your eyes flying open and your body sitting up.

The first person you saw was none other than your college roommate and best friend, Jess. After scanning the room, you realized it was just the two of you. She was looking at you with clear worry.

"Jess, thank God. I had the weirdest dream..." You shook your head, still trying to make sense of the brief period of time you thought you were in a coma. "I was in a coma and the Avengers were there... What the hell did I drink last night?" you chuckled, smile slowly falling when Jess didn't respond.

When she ran a hand through her hair and sighed, you knew it wasn't a dream. It was her tell. She did it every time she had bad news, like the time she bailed on you to go on a date, and the time you forced her to check your grade on a really hard exam because you were too scared to look.

"I was in a coma?" You took a few deep breaths, trying to make sense of what in the hell was going on. "It's actually been six years?"

"It has," she nodded. "They called me when you woke up, but I didn't get here fast enough." She pulled a chair next to your bed, finally coming close enough for you to see a bandage on her hand.

"What did you do this time?" you joked, finding comfort in her still being as clumsy as you remember. The tears in her eyes were unexpected.

"I cut it when they told me you were awake." She let out a soft chuckle, wiping the few stray tears. "I was so surprised, I stopped paying attention to what I was doing. Pretty ironic you couldn't heal it for me." Her eyes went wide when she realized what she said.

"Heal it?" you asked, confusion still plaguing your thoughts. Suddenly, memories of an explosion flashed through your mind, accompanied by searing pain in your head. "What the fuck!" you practically screamed, your frustration boiling over. You forced your eyes open, trying to stop the pain.

Looking back to Jess, you figured your best chance was to ask what happened. "Was there an explosion at some point?" She glanced at the door, unsure if she she actually tell you anything. "Please, Jess, I need something." You grabbed her hand, gasping when it glowed.

"Okay! Okay, but you need to breath, okay? You can't pass out on me again." You watched as she unwrapped her hand, showing completely healed skin. "After graduation, we both got jobs in research at Oscorp..."

"I can't believe we actually work here." It must have been the seventieth time you've said those words to Jess on your lunch break.

"I know! It's so surreal to be part of... all this." She gestured around the building, her giddy smile matching your own. The two of you started working at Oscorp 3 months ago, her in electrical engineering and you in biomedical.

"I'll see you after work?" You began cleaning up your garbage, preparing to go back to work.

"Actually, I have plans. Liz and I are celebrating our one year," she smiled, a wistful look in her eye.

"How could I forget? I'm so happy for you guys," you smiled cheekily in return. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow then... or Monday?" You ran before she could throw something at you. "Bye!"

Shaking your head, you made the trek back up to the biomedical floor. You were in the process of isolating stem cells for regenerative medicine. Ideally, in a few months your 3D printed skin prototype would be ready for trials.

You still marvelled at the equipment as you made it back to your lab bench. Neither college nor your part time position in a hospital really did anything to prepare you for the private sector. It was so much more advanced. You still sometimes felt a bit of imposter syndrome. Shaking off the unpleasant thoughts, you got to work.

Without realizing, you worked later than intended. Typically your friday ends at 4:30, but it was already 7:15. No wonder you were so hungry. Just before you could pack anything up, you felt the building shake. A bright light followed, the force of the blast knocking you and your bench over.

"I really pass out a lot, don't I?" you griped, annoyed with the circumstances of your memory loss. "Is that what happened, I hit my head and forgot six years of my life?"

"Do you want me to finish the story, or not?" Jess rolled her eyes, but she smiled. It felt good to have you back to your sarcastic self. When you nodded, she continued. "I heard about the explosion, and panicked when you didn't answer any of my calls. Liz obviously understood, and we rushed to the hospital where they were sending the survivors..."

The ER was a wreck. Thankfully the majority of the employees had left before the explosion, given that it was a friday. The havoc came from family and friends who couldn't contact their loved ones due to the cell reception issues.

Jess finally made it up to the nurse's station, Liz hot on her heels. "Hi I'm looking for Y/N L/N. Is she here?" She followed up the question with a general description of your appearance.

The nurse looked through their stacks of papers, finding a chart with the right name. "You can follow me." They threw procedure out the window, aiming to just rid the room of people as quickly as possible.

When Jess and Liz rounded the corner toward your room, they could hear you arguing with someone.

"I'm fine! I feel fine, I promise," you paused, waiting for someone's response. "They're keeping me for an hour or so for observation just in case. I promise I'll call you when I'm free to leave." You looked up when the new bodies entered the room. "Jess is here. She'll drive me home, don't worry. It's not worth sitting in the traffic because I'm completely fine. I promise." You shook your head, finally saying "I love you too, bye."

"Your mom?" Jess guessed, smirking when you nodded. Seeing as the two guests did in fact know you, the nurse left, wasting no time in getting back to the ER.

"You know how she worries. Granted, this time feels kind of warranted." You were still trying to wrap your head around everything. "It's crazy I'm not injured. Sorry about your date. You too Liz. I would've called, but as soon as reception came back my mom was calling."

"Don't worry about it!" Liz answered when Jess only surveyed you, eyes roaming your body.

"How are you so okay? The news is saying it was the particle accelerator that exploded. That's that floor below you." Jess inquired.

"I have no idea. Last thing I remember, I was being thrown across the room with my research, then I woke up here and felt fine," you shrugged.

"You don't even have any scrapes or bruises. How is that possible?" Jess shook her head, more so voicing the questions out of disbelief than actually expecting answers. Eventually, the three of you moved on to talking about anything you could to pass the time.

A half hour later, you were being discharged to make room for more emergent cases. They removed your IV, had you sign some papers, and you were in the car on the way to the closest fast food place.

You brought the food back to your apartment, trying to convince Jess and Liz to salvage what was left of the night for their date.

"Seriously, I'm fine. I don't need you to babysit me-" Suddenly, Jess cut you off.

"Y/N! You're arm!" she pointed excitedly, eyes wide. You glanced at your arm, turning it around.

"It seems fine." You looked back at her as if she had lost her mind.

"Yeah, but it shouldn't be! You should have a bruise or at least a mark from the IV," she shot back, watching the moment it hit you.

"What the hell?" you whispered, refocusing on your arm to try and come up with some explanation. Suddenly, you were grabbing the nearest piece of paper, intent on giving yourself a paper cut. You winced when it stung, but watched in amazement as your skin healed itself, a faint glow emanating from the wound. "What the hell?" you repeated.

"And that's it." Jess finished the story, shrugging when you gestured for more.

"What do you mean that's it! That can't be it! How did I figure out I could heal other people? Are there other people with... powers? What's the most dangerous thing I've healed? Will it last forever?" You rambled with every question you could think of, staring in amazement at your own hands. You could still feel the splitting pain that reliving your past seemed to cause, but you ignored the feeling in favor of figuring out as much as possible.

"Well, after the accident we obviously stopped working at Oscorp since the building was practically obliterated. We did what we could, but we didn't really have the tools to test your newfound powers," she smirked. "You moved in here a few years months later."

You bit your lip, eyeing her with a curious gaze. "We still hang out though, right?" you nervously voiced your question, scared to hear that you haven't seen her in years.

"Oh, yeah! All the time. We actually just had lunch before your last mission." She smiled fondly at the memory, but it faded when she remembered the result of the mission. "We didn't know if you were going to wake up," she choked back a sob. "Ever since the explosion, you've never been down for long. A few minutes at most from what I know. Nothing's ever hurt you like this before..."

"That's why we think it was a purposeful attack, designed to knock you out." Suddenly, the two of you weren't alone. Tony Stark waltzed into the med bay, a young man right behind him.

"That's my queue. I'll see you later, okay?" Jess hugged you before she left, leaving you with more questions than she had answered. Your eyes remained on Jess until she turned a corner out of your view, forcing you to look to the two newcomers.

"Is this the part where you tell me how I ended up here?" You questioned, looking between Tony and the younger man you didn't recognize for answers.

"You saved my life," the younger man answered with no hesitation. Your entire body jerked toward him. If you had water, you definitely would have done a spit take.

"I what?" you sputtered, still trying to put together what you remember with the information Jess gave you.

"I'm just going to run some tests while Spidey fills you in. Pretend I'm not even here." Tony started messing with the machines you were connected to, ignoring the increased furrow of your eyebrows.

"Spidey? You're spiderman? You're practically a child!" Your mouth hung agape as you stared at the man. The last you had seen, Spiderman was responsible for capturing weapons dealers who specialized in alien tech. That's definitely not something you'd expect a child to be capable of.

"Hey, I'm twenty-two!" he practically whined, only reinforcing your image of him as a child. "Anyway, this is the story of how you saved my life." Spiderman paused, as if expecting an audience reaction.

"Kid, get on with it." Tony muttered, still focused on the various machines. In fact, now that you've actually had a chance to look around, these are definitely not standard hospital machines. Before you could ask about them, he started his story.

"Well, a little less than six years ago, I was fighting these dudes..."

Peter swung from building to building, looking for anyone or anything out of place. It was his standard patrol route, but something felt off. His spidey sense was definitely tingling.

He was being extra vigilant as he looked down each alley for anything suspicious, but it was of no use. The bad guys weren't trying to hide in an alley. No, they were right in the middle of the street, and they were looking for a fight.

One of them shot some alien tech weapon into the sky, resulting in a loud boom echoing through the block. Instantly people started running, looking for anywhere they could hide if they couldn't get away.

He swung closer to surprise them when someone shouted about his arrival. His graceful landing was rather rudely interrupted when bad guy number two shot his alien gun at Peter's webs, unceremoniously dumping him to the ground.

Despite the rough landing, he jumped right into the fight. Everytime he thought he had them cornered, they'd whip out a new weapon. By the third time, he expected the surprise and easily dodged the blast. Unfortunately, it was enough of a distraction for them to blast him with new weapon number four.

He flew backwards, crushing a dumpster from the sheer force of the blast. Before he could recover, another blast hit him, sending him clear through the brick wall into an adjacent alley. The group of attackers took this as there opportunity, escaping in the waiting getaway car before anyone was apprehended.

Peter groaned, unable to even sit up. Karen was listing his stats, but he couldn't focus on her words enough to do anything with the information. Karen must have alerted Tony to his distress because he could hear Tony's voice. Or maybe he was hallucinating.

"Oh my god, Y/N that's Spiderman!" A voice a few yards from Peter spoke up. "He looks hurt... Are you okay Mr. Man? Mr. Spider? Mr. Spiderman?"

"He's clearly not okay, Jess. Oh my god." You ran toward him, concern clear on your face. Just as you knelt down in front of him, he started talking.

"Mr. Stark? I'm fine." Peter was not fine, but his ever present fear of disappointing Tony inevitably lead to his denial.

"Kid, you're not fine. I can see your vitals." Tony deadpanned. Meanwhile, your concern was growing. From your point of view, there was nobody present for him to be talking to.

"Oh my god, Jess. He's hallucinating." You worriedly looked at your friend, concerned for the man in front of you. He didn't seem to hear your comment, but that only added to your worry. "Spiderman? Can I help you? Maybe we can take you to the hospital?"

Jess nodded in agreement, confirming that was the best plan. Peter vaguely nodded, not really hearing you. You reached for his arm, slowly pulling him up to help him stand. The second you made contact, your hands started glowing. You would've dropped him if he wasn't also holding on to you.

"What the fuck?" Jess called from behind you, watching the mysterious glowing. You nearly shrieked when another voice sounded from behind you.

"Well, that's new." Iron Man himself stood behind you, watching curiously as the glow faded.

"Uhh... yeah. It is," you confirmed, staring wide eyed yourself.

Everyone looked at each other, confusion and concern on their faces. It wasn't until a voice came from Peter's suit that anyone said anything.

"Vitals stable." Karen updated the group, although it seemed to already be known.

"How..." you mumbled, overwhelmed by your newfound ability. It had already taken so much to get used to healing yourself, but you can heal other people too?

"That's what I'd like to know." Tony chimed in, a smirk adorning his features.

"And then you came back to the tower with us!" He finished his story, unphased by the disbelief in your expression. "Dr. Banner ran some tests, and it turns out the particle accelerator altered your DNA."

You nodded silently, thinking about everything you've learned since you woke up. "This is insane." Your headache spiked again, beginning to reduce to a dull throbbing after the story, but still enough to earn a grimace. Tony seemed to notice your discomfort, marking something down with the rest of the test results.

"It seems your vitals are all stable. Nothing seems to be different than the first time we ran all of these tests. Slightly depleted levels of serotonin and estrogen, but nothing noteworthy. I'll have Bruce look it over when he gets back from Cho's lab, but everything seems fine."

"So why can't I remember?" you asked the question, not really expecting an answer, but hoping for at least a working theory. Tony sighed, glancing at the door before giving in.

"We think whatever weapon Hydra hit you with was designed specifically to take you down. They somehow targeted the regeneration of your cells, slowing it down enough to allow you to be injured. The amnesia could be a side effect of whatever process they used, or the result of hitting your head."

Science. You understood science. That was something you could work with. "But everything's back to normal? My cells are regenerating again?"

Tony nodded, showing you the results from your original tests six years ago and the ones he just finished running. "So we don't know if it's temporary..." you mumbled, thoughts running wild.

"Which means we should treat it like retrograde amnesia..." Tony supplied you with the next logical conclusion, knowing you wouldn't appreciate the treatment plan.

"Damnit," you cursed.

"What?" The young one questioned the shift in mood.

"It means no more stories, Pete." Tony sighed.

"Pete..." you repeated the name, closing your eyes in an attempt to remember something new. "Pete... Peter... Peter Parker!" Your eyes flew open. "That's your name right?"

"Um... yeah," he replied, looking at your warily.

"Okay. That's good. I remembered something."

"You mean you didn't know my name the whole time I was telling that story?" Peter guffawed. "Why didn't you say anything! I would've introduced myself.

You shrugged. "I wanted to hear the story."

Tony just shook his head. "Hey, kid. Why don't you take her on a tour? Start with her room."

"My room?" you asked, still trying to wrap your head around everything.

"Well, you don't normally live in the med bay," Tony joked. "See if walking around helps. If you need to rest, you can do it in your room instead of here."

You simply nodded, so thrown off by the information overload. Peter lead you out of the room and down the hall to the elevator. You definitely could've gone back to sleep, but your desire for answers was definitely outweighing your need to rest.

Peter dutifully showed you around the entire tower, starting with your room as Tony directed. You slowly walked around the space, looking at the various pictures and items strewn about.

"It's just like it was before the mission." Peter supplied, hoping to jog your memory. You simply nodded, still trying to digest everything that happened today. Sitting down on the bed, you reached to grab the picture frame from your nightstand.

The photo showed you and Steve Rogers at Coney Island, his arm wrapped around your waist. While you were smiling at the camera, Steve was looking at you. The expression on his face suddenly answered a few of your questions from earlier.

"That's why he cared so much..." you mumbled under your breath, barely even registering Peter's presence in the room. You glanced around again, noticing all the small things you missed before. The men's sweatshirt left at the end of the bed, the drawings that were framed on the walls with the tiniest signature of initials SGR in the corners, even the few candles on your desk that you knew you would never choose for yourself. There was clearly two people living here.

You reached for the sweatshirt, mourning the memories you knew you should have. More than anything, you felt sorry for Steve. Just thinking if the roles were reversed has you ready to cry. You held the sweatshirt to your chest, trying to keep your composure while you're with Peter. Holding the sweatshirt that close, you realized you could smell Steve's cologne on the fabric.

Suddenly, you feel as though you were thrown back in time, remembering the first time you met. "He was there the first time I healed someone after you..." You glanced at Peter, trying to gauge if you were actually remembering something. The more you thought about the memory, the more you could feel another headache coming on.

"I, um, I don't know if I'm allowed to talk about this. Mr. Stark said no more stories..."

"You don't need to tell me. I- I remember it. I mean, I think I do. Just tell me if I'm right?" When Peter nodded, you jumped into the story, paying no mind to the growing pain in your head.

You had just finished your tour of the tower- Peter giving the actual tour while Tony continued to ask you random questions about your powers- when someone ran down the hall to get Tony.

"Stark! We need Cho, it's Barnes." The mystery woman paid you no mind aside from one questioning glance, although you still felt exposed under her gaze.

"She left for South Korea a few hours ago, but I'll make the call. Banner is in the med bay now." Tony replied, already asking the built in AI to redirect the quinjet. He started to follow the woman back towards where they ran your tests, leaving you and Peter with no choice but to follow.

The room was much more chaotic than when you left. Multiple Avengers were in beds around the room with varying injuries. Sam Wilson was being checked for a concussion. Another woman you didn't recognize was having a wound stitched up in the next bed over.

The most people were huddled around a bed in the middle of the room, Steve Rogers' voice shouting over the commotion. "Tony!" He waved him over, Bruce Banner already standing at the bedside. Steve was covered in blood, although from the state of things you could surmise it wasn't his own. Bucky Barnes was laying motionless in the bed, his face growing paler with each second.

You and Peter watched with wide eyes as they discussed what happened. With what you could overhear, it seemed the mission they were on was based on outdated intel. The base was swarming with Hydra agents, leaving the team outnumbered and outgunned.

Bucky took the brunt of it, jumping in front of the gun fire to save some of the others. Although he could deflect some of the bullets with his metal arm, there were too many for him to stop them all. Not too mention, he had already been stabbed in the side before the guns were fired. The only thing keeping him alive was the super soldier serum. If not for his advanced healing, the stab wound would have resulted in blood loss had the gun shot wounds not done it first.

"He's losing too much blood," Bruce muttered, trying his best to help despite not being that kind of doctor.

"Cho left hours ago. Even with the maximum speed, she won't be here for another 30 minutes," Tony informed the group, their expressions growing more and more panicked.

"Y/N!" Peter exclaimed from next to you, startling you into looking away from the horror in front of you. It seems nobody else noticed his outburst, still focused on stopping the bleeding. "You can heal him!"

"What?" you replied in a panicked voice. "No I can't! I don't know if I can heal wounds that serious!"

"You healed me!" Peter replied, trying to encourage you. "Mr. Stark said my vitals were failing. I was probably bleeding internally and you saved my life. You can save him too!"

You shook your head, staring wide eyed at Peter. You had no idea how to control your powers, let alone if they had any limits. Before today, the most you had healed was little scrapes and cuts and they were only on yourself.

"At least try. Please?" he asked, encouraging you to help. Glancing at everyone's distraught expressions, you nodded. "You can do it! I know you can!"

Peter instantly started pulling you through the crowd, getting you right next to Bucky before anyone even noticed you moved. He nodded at you with a supportive smile, encouraging you to try.

"What are you doing?" Steve shouted, his emotions running wild. Just as he asked, your hands started to glow. "Get away from him!"

He started toward you, but Peter held him back. Tony, in turn, held back the others. They watched as a bright, warm light emitted from your hands and encased Bucky's wounds. Before their eyes, the wounds started healing. He was no longer bleeding out and the color was returning to his face. Within 30 seconds, he was completely fine.

Nobody said a word, everyone stunned by the events they witnessed, yourself included. It wasn't until Bucky sat up that anyone spoke.

"What happened?" Bucky croaked, looking around at everyone's faces. He rubbed as his side, expecting to feel sore from the wounds. Instead, he found skin that had completely healed. "How long has it been?"

"About forty minutes," the mystery woman from the hallway answered, her eyes glancing between you and Bucky.

"C'mon Tash. Even I don't heal that fast. Steve?" Bucky asked, looking to his oldest friend for more information.

"Forty three minutes to be exact," he replied. He too glanced at you, although his face betrayed what he was feeling. Despite the utter confusion at how you did it, all Steve could think was you saved his life. Suddenly, Steve Rogers was hugging you. He held you to him tightly. Despite the blood, sweat, and dirt coating his suit, you could still smell his cologne. "Thank you," he whispered.

"You're welcome," you whispered back, unable to even attempt speaking at a higher volume. Seemingly remembering where he was, he let you go, a pink hue blooming on his cheeks.

"Who are you?" Bucky asked, a smirk already appearing on his face after Steve's uncharacteristic display of affection.

"Um, Y/N," you answered, overwhelmed by the number of eyes on you. Luckily for you, Peter was more than willing to explain. He spared no detail in telling the team about your day, starting with swinging through the city and ending with who you've come to know as Natasha interrupting the end of your tower tour.

"So you can heal people?" Bucky asked, being the only one who didn't witness the whole ordeal. "And that's why I'm not dead?" You nodded, still shocked at what you were capable of. Everyone seemed to have questions, but Tony was more than willing to talk about all the tests he and Banner ran earlier.

In the meantime, you healed the others who were hurt. Each time, everyone marveled at the glowing light. Sam's entire head seemed to light up as you healed his concussion. The woman who needed stitches, Wanda, said it felt like a warm hug when you healed the gash on her arm.

When everyone was healed, you stepped back. You didn't want to intrude on the group. Everyone here knows each other. They're like a weird little family. You couldn't just walk in off the street and expect to fit in. It seemed Steve noticed your discomfort, moving to stand by you.

"Thank you again," he started. "I'm Steve Rogers by the way." He held out his hand for you to shake, earning a chuckle from you after his earlier hug.

"Y/N L/N. It's nice to officially meet you," you smiled, feeling more at ease now that you're actually part of a conversation instead of just the topic of discussion.

"And then nothing. That's everything I remember," you finished the story, looking to Peter with a hopeful expression. Your headache only got worse as the story progressed, and it was obvious you were in pain. He narrowed his eyes at you, concerned over how much pain you may be pushing down.

"That's.. yeah. I mean that's what happened," he answered. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah," you replied shakily, the headache slowly shifting from shooting pains to a dull throbbing. "I'm fine." The relief you felt was like a weight being lifted. It was only the first step, but remembering the people you apparently live with is a big first step.

"I guess, if you're not too tired, I can show you the rest of the tower now?" Peter offered, unsure if more information was good for you. Although, he knew if you were left alone it could be worse.

You nodded, a small smile on your lips. You had the vaguest idea that you had enjoyed his tour the first time around

-

You were right, Peter's tour was quite amusing. Maybe it was slightly different than 6 years ago, but you still found yourself smiling and laughing as he excitedly showed you all of his favorite parts. However, you had some questions.

"How is it we walked through almost the entire tower, and ran into nobody?" you asked when Peter announced the end of his tour.

"Oh... um," Peter struggled with finding an answer, unsure if this was breaking Tony's rules.

"You can't tell me anything about the time I forgot. You can tell me about now though," you assured him, watching as the tension left his body.

"Okay! Most everyone is training or in their rooms. I didn't show you the gym because you can't use it until your cleared, so I didn't want to tempt you."

"Most?" you questioned, trying to figure out why that word stuck out to you.

"Oh, yeah. Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes left for a mission. They took Wanda with them, mostly because everyone thought it was a bad idea for-" Peter abruptly cut himself off, eyes widening as if he said too much.

"For who? Steve?" you pressed further, trying to figure out why you suddenly felt like there were bricks in your stomach. When Peter didn't reply, realization dawned on you. "He left to get away from me..."

You sat back on the couch behind you, feeling an all encompassing dread. Peter, realizing he'd already given it away, started babbling with hopes of cheering you up.

"It's totally going to be fine! He's gone on missions with less preparation before, and this one isn't even that long. Wanda's there and she knows this mission inside and out-"

Once again, Peter found himself revealing too much. "Why does Wanda know more than him? Was he not supposed to be on this mission? He's just avoiding me?"

Suddenly, another memory popped up, accompanied by another searing pain tearing through your head. You felt woozy, leaning further into the couch to combat the dizziness.

"I can't do this right now, not again. We've already had the same argument over and over," he got up, promptly throwing the door open and speeding down the hall.

"You can't avoid me forever," you screamed after him as he practically ran away. Sighing, you walked through the now open door into the living room.

"Boy problems?" Nat chimed in out of nowhere, reminding you of the very public setting for this latest confrontation. Sighing, you sat down with her and Wanda.

"I just don't get why he's so upset. It's not like I can really be injured," you scoffed at Steve's sometimes overbearing worrisome attitude. "Plus, he puts himself in more danger than I do. Benching me is so unnecessary."

"Y/N, you were shot." Wanda stated the obvious, earning another scoff from you.

"I literally healed on the way home from the mission. I was fine before we even landed!" you started pacing, your frustration with Steve avoiding you boiling over.

"I bet I know why he did it," Nat practically singsonged, a devious smirk adorning her lips. "Someone's following his heart and not his brain."

"What?" you stared, dumbfounded.

"He's got a crush, you moron." Nat spelled it out for you.

"Yeah, I know that's what you meant, but that's not possible. There's no way. It can't-"

"She doth protest too much-" Tony chimed in, having joined your trio just as Nat revealed her theory. You gaped at him, offended. "Let's face it sweetheart, Cap's got it bad for you."

You sputtered an incoherent reply as all three of them simply stared you down. "Really?"

"He's clearly worried about you, even if it seems irrational. You don't think that's coming from somewhere?" Wanda, much more gently than the other two, tried to help you see it.

"Yeah, friendship!" you snarked, not enjoying the feeling of the blush in your cheeks.

"He didn't bench Barnes when he got shot." Once again, Nat was smirking at you.

"I'm leaving now." With that, you abruptly left the room, trying to compose your thoughts. There was no way, right?

-

You later found yourself aimlessly wandering around the city in an attempt to clear your thoughts. To your surprise, you ran into none other than one Steve Rogers in Central Park. The second you made eye contact, you could feel the blush from earlier returning.

"I'm not stalking you!" you abruptly stated as soon as he was within a reasonable distance. It was such a shock to see him in an unofficial capacity. He paused, clearly not expecting that. "I mean, I was just going on a walk." When he still didn't reply, you kept rambling. "Not to find you and argue again. Just to clear my head... and think."

"About what?" Steve finally stepped closer, no longer standing an awkward 5 feet away. Your eyes widened at his question, feeling like a deer in the headlights you blurted a half-truth.

"You," you abruptly threw a hand up to cover your mouth, turning and walking away after 10 seconds of silence.

"What about me?" Steve followed you, walking beside you as you once again aimlessly walked through the city.

"Just something Nat said." He was clearly waiting for more information, but given that this is the first time the two of you have talked without screaming since that mission, you were hesitant to bring it up. "Steve, I-"

"She was right."

You froze, earning a few choice words from the people who had been walking behind you. "What?"

"Nat, she told you I wasn't thinking with my head, didn't she?" Your disbelief only grew as you really registered what he was saying, and the meaning he likely didn't want to imply. "No, not like- dammit. This is not how I wanted this to go." He ran a hand through his hair, seemingly struggling to find the words he was looking for. "I just-"

It was your turn to interrupt him, briefly pressing yours lips to his before backing away just as quickly. He looked starstruck, lips hanging open ever so slightly.

"Are we on the same page?" you asked hesitantly, trying to determine if you now needed to avoid him within the confines of the tower.

"I mean, I have some more I want to say, but overall I think so." Steve stuttered out the reply, clearly still shocked by your actions.

"So, no more avoiding me?" he shook his head. "Promise?"

"Promise."

Your eyelids fluttered as the memory finished replaying in your head, the searing pain coming back with a vengance.

"Y/N?" Peter asked, his voice betraying his worry.

"M'kay" you mumbled. You could barely hear him well enough to stutter out a response, too overwhelmed by the shooting pains causing your vision to blur and the room to spin.

"You're clearly not okay. I'm taking you back to the med bay." Peter reached over to help you up, needing his reflexes to catch you as you slumped over. "Yep, not okay. Not okay!"

He picked you up, fully carrying you to the med bay while your head lolled over his shoulder. "Mr. Stark!" He called as he deposited you onto the bed.

-

"What happened?" you whispered as your eyes fluttered open. This time, you recognized the faces looking back at you. Peter and Tony were now joined by Bruce, each one glaring at a different machine.

"In short, we don't know. You keep passing out." Bruce answered when he finally looked away from the charts he was reviewing. You glanced between him, Peter, and Tony. They each wore a matching expression telling you one thing- they really had no clue.

"This isn't fair," you whined. "I'm just trying to figure out my life."

"Just try to relax, we'll figure it out eventually." Tony rolled his eyes when you just whined some more. "Take a nap then, I can't work while listening to your whining."

You mulled over his words, some vague sense of something coming back to you. Before long, you could fully picture the date at Coney Island- or more accurately the non-date. "Bucky and Sam said we should all go and then ditched us."

"Where are we going?" you asked, still groggy from the surprising wake up call. "Is someone hurt?"

"Nope," Sam answered. "You need a day off. And before you protest, Steve is coming. If he can take a day, so can you."

You were going to protest, but the sound of voices from down the hall cut you off.

"Buck, would you just tell me where we're going? I should really-"

"No," you laughed at Bucky's tone, knowing he was sick of Steve working himself to death. "We're taking a day off. That's all you need to know."

Bucky and Sam nodded at each other in greeting. Together they lead you and Steve out of the tower and into a car, driving away before either of you could come up with a reason to stay behind.

"Any idea what's going on?" Steve asked you, figuring Sam and Bucky were dead set on not telling.

"Unfortunately no," you answered. "Sam woke me up at the crack of dawn and wouldn't even tell me why." As if on queue, you yawned. Steve chuckled at your expression, swiftly apologizing when you glared at him. "I'm not made to be up this early," you pouted.

"Not exactly a relaxing day off if you spend the whole thing tired." Steve muttered just loud enough for the two in the front to hear.

"Take a nap then. I don't want to spend the whole day listening to your whining." Bucky called back, rolling his eyes at Steve's glare.

You decided to take the advice, leaning your head against the window in an attempt to fall asleep. However, with Bucky driving, your head was bouncing up and down off the window, only resulting in more whining.

"Lean on Steve if the window hurts that bad." Bucky mumbled, smirking to Sam. You felt the heat blossom in your cheeks, practically forcing yourself to keep looking forward.

"You can if you want. Lean on me, I mean." Steve murmured, trying to keep Sam and Bucky out of the conversation.

"Thank you," you practicaly squeaked, choosing to just do it rather than stare awkwardly.

Despite the comfort of leaning into Steve, you were too wound up to get any sleep. You simply shut your eyes, allowing your mind to run a mile a minute with what he could be thinking for the entire car ride.

As it turns out, you had plenty of time to spiral. The car didn't come to a stop for nearly an hour. Reluctantly, you drew your head away from Steve's shoulder to better look out the window.

"Coney Island? This is your idea of a relaxing day off?" You glanced at Bucky and Sam in time to see them both roll their eyes.

"Would it kill you to have a little fun? Get out of the car, both of you." You held your hands up in surrender, shrugging at Steve as you followed their directions. To your surprise, neither man followed you out of the car. "We'll be back later. Try to enjoy yourselves."

Before you could protest, Bucky was hitting the gas. The car squealed away from you, too fast for even Steve to try and catch it. You glanced between him and the park eventually pulling your phone out to buy tickets.

"Are you more of a pay-per-ride or full on wristband type of guy?" you questioned, looking up at Steve only when he didn't answer. You found him staring at you, a slight raise of his eyebrow confusing you. "What? You don't want four hours of fun, thrill, and excitement?"

"How ever will we manage it?" he quipped, earning a chuckle from you.

"Sam and Bucky will never believe it." you joked back, smiling when Steve laughed in turn.

And so, the two of you set of to ride as many rides as you could in the four hours before your wristbands expired, fitting in a few breaks for snacks and water. You even managed to convince Steve to end your day on the slingshot arguing about how it was included in the price and he clearly met the height requirements.

"We didn't take a single picture," you lamented as you and Steve walked the boardwalk after eating. "However will we convince them we managed to have fun?"

"I'm pretty sure I saw Redwing following us around at least once... besides, what's stopping us from taking one now?" Steve asked, smiling ear to ear. You grinned up at him, quickly looking around to find someone to take the picture.

"Excuse me, would you take a picture of us?" you asked a teenage girl, knowing she would be able to frame the photo correctly. She nodded, gawking slightly at Steve- but could you blame her?

He pulled you into his side, one arm wrapped around your waist and the other in his pocket. You both laughed as the girl instructed you to move this way and that in order to get the best lighting. Steve glanced between you and the camera, his gaze settling on you almost subconsciously. His smile morphed from one of giddy excitement into a soft, lovestruck grin.

Eventually, the girl seemed happy with the result. You thanked her as you accepted the phone back not realizing Steve still hadn't stopped smiling at you.

"Steve! You're only looking at the camera in like three of the fifty pictures she took!" He snapped out of his state, blushing slightly as you looked through the three photos for which one you should send to Sam and Bucky. "You think they'll come get us anytime soon?"

"Knowing them, they'll milk this day for all it's worth. How about we get some dinner?"

You were nearly screaming as a new round of pain tore through your head, black dots clouding your vision. You could tell someone was talking to you, but you weren't with it enough to understand the words. Before long, the world was once again fading to black.

-

"It doesn't make any sense." Bruce lamented, still going though the various labs and data collected while you were sedated. "The only result even mildly out of the ordinary was such a random drop, it's more likely equipment error than an actual measurement."

You looked over the results in front of you, nodding your agreement. "Even the brain activity?" you questioned, looking through the various results for the correct sheet.

"Unfortunately, yes." Bruce answered, passing you a different tablet with the results you were asking about.

It had been four days since the medical team decided to sedate you after you remembered your trip to Coney Island with Steve, but still nobody could figure out why remembering things made you pass out.

"Maybe it won't happen again?" Your hopeful tone was not lost on the others in the room.

"Hope isn't a very good plan." Bruce spoke up, his expression solemn.

"But for now, it's all I've got." you sighed. "Thank you all for the help. I think I'll just... take a walk." You smiled at Tony, Peter, and Bruce before leaving.

You spent the next few hours wandering the halls of the tower desperately hoping for a new memory while scared of the associated pain. When nothing happened, you decided to take the excursion outside. You sat on the roof, watching the sunset in peaceful silence until the wind started picking up.

It wasn't hard to find the source of the sudden disruption. A quinjet hovered over the landing pad, slowing making its way down. You watched as the wind died down and the door opened, allowing three very tired Avengers to disembark.

You were about to ask how the mission went when you noticed Steve limping down the ramp.

"What happened?" you rushed over to the trio, unsure of how to help once you actually got close enough. Steve just stared at you, unprepared to face you so soon.

"The dumbass got himself shot." Bucky informed you. "Through and through. He'll be fine in a few hours..."

You stopped listening to Bucky after the first sentence. You started acting on instinct, not even second guessing your movements. You knelt in front of the three of them, hovering your hands hovered over the wound. A faint glow emanated from your palms while Steve slowly started leaning less and less on Bucky.

"Why wait a few hours when I can do it in no time." You smiled up at Steve. His small smile pulled at a string in your mind, sending you back in time.

"Stop pacing. He'll be fine." Tony stood to your left, nervously drumming his fingers despite his words.

"Bucky said he got stabbed! With a knife! And it must've been a big knife if it was bad enough for them to have us meet him on the roof!" You would've continued the rant if the quinjet hadn't just come into view.

Tony had to hold you back long enough for the jet to actually land, but the second the door was open you were running onto the jet.

"I told you I should've been on this mission, but no! You said it was just recon! How did he get stabbed doing recon!" you huffed, frantically searching the jet for Steve because you wouldn't stop talking long enough for someone to tell you where he was. Bucky just pointed to the back, not willing to get in the way of your fear induced rampage right now.

You refused to look at his face, knowing the pallid gray tone of his skin would only bring tears to your eyes and prevent you from helping him. Instead, you blindly reached for him, allowing Nat to guide your hands to where hers had just been. You felt the slight warmth from the glow of your hands, still not looking at him.

It wasn't until you heard Steve cough that you reopened your eyes. He still looked like shit, but at least his face had some color to it.

"Where'd all the anger go? He's the one he said it was just recon." Sam mumbled, earning a glare from Bucky and Nat. It did remind you of your fear though.

"I'm mad at you," you pouted. Everyone else took that as their cue to leave, allowing you and Steve the space to talk. "You said it was going to be easy."

Seeing Steve alive and well allowed the fear to dwindle, but the adrenaline rush had to go somewhere. You couldn't stop the tears from rolling down your cheeks.

"Hey, hey, hey. Don't cry. I'm okay. Everything's fine." He wrapped his arms around you, slowly rubbing his hands up and down your back.

"This time!" you screeched, reliving the paralyzing fear of not knowing if he would make it back to you in time. "This is why you should just let me go on missions. If I had been there, then there never would have been any question and you wouldn't-"

"You could've been hurt." Steve argued, albeit weakly.

"I could've been hurt? You were hurt! You nearly died Steve, and-" he cut you off again, this time with a kiss.

"You can come on missions now," he mumbled, lips still touching yours.

"Is that an official offer, Captain?" you smirked. Steve smiled at you, laughing lightly at the sudden change of tone.

"As official as they come. Now let me kiss my girl."

"Y/N? Y/N!" Steve called your name, catching you as once again remembering something incapacitated you. He rushed you to the med bay, Bucky and Wanda hot on his heels. "Tony!"

Tony and Bruce were still in the med bay, going over the test results in hopes of finding something they missed the first seven times. Hearing Steve, they both assumed something had gone wrong on the mission.

"Who is it? What happened?" Tony rushed over, seeing you he relaxed slightly. "Put her on her bed."

"Her bed?" Steve questioned, nonetheless laying you on the bed in the direction Tony gestured.

"This is the sixth time, not including that first one. Every time she remembers something significant, it causes a migraine so bad she faints." Tony sighed, one hand running through his hair and the other looking at vital signs.

"What triggers the memories?" Bucky asked, noticing Steve's inability to process the situation.

"Deja vu basically. Anything with enough power to relate to something from the six years she's forgotten." Tony answered absentmindedly. He was more focused on running the panel of labs as quickly as possible.

"Why?" Steve mumbled, his heart breaking even more at the clear pain you've been in while he was avoiding being here.

"We don't know." Tony answered truthfully, anticipating Steve's anger. He was not anticipating Steve up and leaving the room.

"I never should have let her come on mission." Steve grumbled on his way out.

"Steve, c'mon man-" Bucky called after him, but he wasn't having it.

"I can't be here when she wakes up. What if I trigger another memory? She's clearly in pain. I can't cause more. I won't."

With that, he was gone. Bucky and Wanda turned to Tony, but nobody was sure of what to do. Eventually, Tony noticed the same abnormal drop of serotonin and estrogen.

"Hmm," he murmured. Bucky and Wanda both instantly looked at him. As if he could feel there stares, Tony explained. "We've gotten the same error reading a few times. I wonder if they made it so we wouldn't get accurate results either on the brain function or the labs."

"I wouldn't put it past them. I just don't see what they're trying to gain." Bucky sighed. "Why erase her memories?"

"Maybe they thought they'd be able to use her, but we managed to handle the attack well? They never got a chance to actually capture her." Wanda suggested, cringing as she tried not to directly reference Bucky's past.

"It's definitely possible, but why would they make it painful to recover? It's either there or it's not." Bucky rebutted.

Tony listed in while still going through the results. "Everything still looks normal except for the error... Maybe it's just an effort to get her away from us? With no memories of us, she could've chosen to leave."

"She would never-" Bucky started, but Tony cut him off.

"Stay with strangers who consistently cause her to pass out or go back to living with her best friend?" Tony questioned. "Yeah, before she wouldn't have, and now she probably won't, but it could've happened. Just think about how vulnerable we'd be without her. We haven't exactly been careful since she's joined us on missions."

Bucky and Wanda nodded, finally seeing the point. The conversation would have continued, but all focus shifted to you as you groaned.

"Damnit." You slowly sat up, groaning at the residual ache in your head. You looked around the room, slowly piecing together what it was that you remembered this time. A soft smile grew on your face as you let the memory of your feelings for Steve wash over you. You couldn't help but notice the room was missing a certain super soldier. "Is Steve here? Is he okay?"

The three of them looked at each other, not quite knowing what to say. "He, uh, he's okay. He just didn't want to cause you any more pain." Bucky finally answered you.

"Oh. Well, good that he's okay." You bit your lip, contemplating everything that's been happening. "I think I'll just go to bed for the night. We can regroup in the morning in case there's anything new." You waited for their agreement before you left, slowly untangling yourself from all the machinery. "Thank you for all the help."

-

The next day, you found yourself wanting to give up. You could tell that you had felt something for Steve, and felt it strongly, but it was just out of reach. Despite how badly you wanted it, you couldn't quite get there. Not seeing him at all didn't help. If he even heard you coming down the hall, he high tailed it out of the room.

Wanda found you just after lunch, snuggled under the blankets in your room watching the Reputation Stadium Tour movie on Netflix.

"Hey, can I bother you for a minute?" she asked, hovering in the doorway.

"Sure." You paused the movie, shuffling slightly so she could sit next to you on the bed.

"How are you feeling?" she questioned, easily picking up on your downcast mood.

"I just wish I could remember everything." Your voice broke, tears pooling in your eyes once again. "I wish I knew what could fix it. I wish I could talk to Steve about it because I'm so confused, but I know it's hurting him to not have me remember, but I can't fix it.I just..."

She stroked your hair, trying to comfort you as you cried. When the tears slowed down, she tried to change the subject. "What are you watching?"

"Taylor Swift. Apparently she put out a billion songs in the six years I can't remember, so at least I get to experience those for the first time again," you mumbled. Wanda paused a minute, but then the two of you burst into laughter. "Always look on the bright side, right?"

The two of you laughed and laughed. Everytime you thought you had it under control, one look at each other had you giggling again. Another few minutes, and the laughter died down. You fully sat up, Wanda officially having lightened your mood.

"Did you need something?" you asked, wiping the last few tears away.

"Oh! I was wondering if you'd let me try looking in your head? I thought maybe if Hydra did something to prevent you from accessing the memories like normal then maybe I could see it." She looked nervous as she made the suggestion, but your grin eased her worries.

"Absolutely! I'm willing to do whatever it takes to fix this." You tried not to be too hopeful, but after nearly a week of trying the same thing over and over having Wanda suggest something new was thrilling.

"Okay! Just try thinking about the things you've already remembered and maybe that will trigger something else." Wanda suggested, her hands already glowing red.

You closed your eyes, imaging reliving all of the things you'd already remembered. You pictured waking up in the hospital right after the particle accelerator exploded. You thought about saving Peter and in turn saving Bucky the first day you met the Avengers. Then the memories of Steve floated through your mind. The non-date at Coney Island, the walk in the park when you first kissed him, the feeling of relief when you healed him after that mission. Every single thing you'd remembered.

Throughout it all, you kept trying to calm the hope you were feeling. After each memory, the feeling grew. You couldn't help but think how happy you would be if this worked.

With your eyes closed, you couldn't really tell what Wanda was doing. It wasn't until she cleared her throat that you opened your eyes again. Instantly, you could see the regret on her face.

"Nothing?" you questioned, already knowing the answer.

"I'm sorry. I really thought it could work." You could tell she was genuinely sorry, possibly regretful for even suggesting the idea now that it didn't work.

"It's fine, Wan. I appreciate the help, even if it didn't work. We'll just have to figure something else out."

You smiled at her as she left, genuinely grateful to have friends who care so much. Speaking of friends, you figured it was about time you gave Jess a call. With so much effort going into figuring out your memory issues, you've barely thought about everything that could've happened in her life during the time you forgot.

"Hello?" she answered on the third ring.

"Hi, are you busy?" you asked, realizing she might in fact have a life outside of talking to you. When she replied in the negative, you asked her to meet you for lunch.

"I'd love to! Half an hour?" she suggested.

"Sure! See you soon."

You jumped around the room, getting ready as quick as you could to make it on time. It would've been easier had you already been dressed, but this morning's mood prevented anything productive from occurring. You managed to be ready to leave twelve minutes later, throwing your stuff in a bag and bolting out the door.

"Ah! Sorry!" you yelped when you ran into somebody in the hallway, practically dumping the entire contents of your purse on the floor. "I'm so sorry!" As you repacked your stuff, you glanced up at the person you'd run into. "Steve!"

It was hard to understand the mixture of emotions running through you at the sight of him. To be fair, he seemed to be feeling something similar. You smiled up at him, apologizing again in a softer voice.

"You're still so like you," Steve murmured, his eyes softening. You tilted your head in confusion. "Always in a rush, always smiling for miles."

Your smile faltered, the phrase catching on something in your mind. "Smiling for miles..." you repeated, eyebrows furrowed. Steve caught on a moment later, understanding your confusion.

"It's from a song. One you played for me," he confessed. His words on top of all of your thoughts about hope this morning clued you in.

"But hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have... But I have it. Yeah, I have it." You sang, the song throwing you back in time once more.

"Y/N, this song is sad." Steve argured, but the smile didn't leave his face.

"Yeah, but it's real. It's about life. Plus it's beautifully produced." you argued back, pulling him closer to you. "I'm not saying it's this big love song, but that doesn't mean I can't dance with you while it's playing."

The two of you swayed around the room, simply basking in each other's presence. When the song ended, you continued to hold each other.

"I love you," you whispered, barely audible. Still, you knew Steve would be able to hear it. For a second, you were afraid it was too soon.

"I love you too," he whispered back. "More than I could say."

You could feel the tears, but for once it wasn't from the pain. Sure, your head hurt, but the memory wasn't long enough to incapacitate you.

"Y/N?" Steve questioned. This was exactly why he was avoiding you until he could at least come up with an idea to help you. To his and your surprise, you surged forward and kissed him.

He didn't respond immediately, too caught off guard. It wasn't until his arms wrapped around your back that you realized what you'd done. You pulled back, hands covering your mouth as if you didn't trust yourself.

"Steve, I'm so sorry." Your eyes were wide, expression panicked. Your heart only broke more when his smile faltered. "I have to go. I love- I have to go."

You ran before he could respond. Literally, ran out of the tower and down the street. You knew that he could catch up if he really wanted to, but it didn't matter. The emotions you were feeling after that last memory hurt more than the rest. You could tell that you love Steve, but you had no idea what lead you there. Besides the bits and pieces you'd remembered. It was like you skipped the falling and simply landed in a relationship. You were still cursing yourself for nearly uttering those three words when you made it to the restaurant.

The second Jess saw you, she knew something was up. After convincing her that you wanted to stay for lunch, she finally asked, "what happened?"

You nearly broke down again as you explained everything that happened since you last saw her. You gave her as much detail as you could remember, sighing when you explained how you lost control and kissed him.

"Jess, it was so unfair of me. He spent the last five days avoiding me, and he runs into me one time and it's like I've lost my mind," you complained, wishing for the ground to open up and swallow you.

"Go back a sec, you said there was only one abnormal result?" Jess asked, making you realize something.

"Shit. I wanted to get lunch with you so we could talk about you! You're my best friend and I haven't got a clue what you've been up to for the last six years! Forget my problems for now. Let's talk about you."

"Y/N. What was it?" she asked again. "I haven't lost any of my stubbornness, so you might as well just appease me." You rolled your eyes, but you answered her nonetheless.

"It was an error. It showed a drop in estrogen and serotonin, but there's no way they could actually drop and rise that much that quickly." You expected a response, but when she didn't say anything you tried moving on again. "Can we please talk about you now?"

She shook her head, clearly still thinking about what you said. Slowly, her smile grew and she was taking out money for the food you'd yet to eat. "We have to go."

Despite your protests, she pulled you out of the restaurant. You could tell she was dragging you back to the tower, but you'd yet to figure out why. She refused to stop her train of thought to answer your questions until you were back in the elevator on the way to the med bay.

"Remember how Liz would sometimes get migraines?" she asked you, completely throwing you for a loop. You nodded, vaguely remembering the few times you'd seen it happen. "Well, she was prescribed some meds to regulate some hormones that made them worse."

"Serotonin and estrogen..." you finally caught on to her train of thought. "But how-"

You were cut off by the sound of Steve's voice in the med bay as the elevator doors opened. He was talking to someone else, a voice you didn't immediately recognize.

"Does it make sense?" he asked, a desperate hope coming through in the tone of his voice.

"It's definitely possible. I'll be there in two hours, and I can tell you more then."

You seemed to have caught the tail end of a video call between Steve and the mystery woman. Nobody immediately noticed your presence in the room.

"Serotonin and estrogen are," Jess started, gaining the men's attention.

"Migraine inducing hormones." Steve finished with her, seemingly having already caught up to speed. "I did some digging."

"I can't believe we missed it, but the reading seemed so impossible," Tony lamented, looking more guilty than he should.

"Would someone care to explain what is happening?" you asked, feeling as though they were talking around you. "The result is impossible. What could possible cause my hormones to drop like that?"

"Hydra." The answer came from behind you, Bucky and Sam entering the med bay as well. You merely raised an eyebrow, still not understanding the science behind it.

"They altered your brain chemistry. Accessing your memories involves the hippocampus. They seem to have attached that functionality with a drop in serotonin and estrogen, both linked to migraines."

"Y/N, would you mind?" Tony gestured to 'your bed'. With a sigh, you climbed in and started hooking yourself up to the machinery. You had a million questions, but Bruce kept asking you to stay still. It wasn't long until the lack of movement and the white noise of the other people in the room lulled you to sleep.

"She needs this to work... I need this to work." You could just barely hear Steve as you slowly woke up.

"I don't see why it wouldn't." The mystery woman's voice answered. You glanced in the direction of the noise, trying to understand what was going on.

"Oh good, I was just going to wake you up." The mystery woman walked over to you, a weird tablet in her hands. "I am going to use this to alter your brain functionality." Your eyes widened at her proclamation.

"Okay... and you are?" you questioned, nervous at the idea of annoying messing with your head again.

"Shuri fixed my head after... She deprogrammed Hydra's ability to control me." Bucky jumped into the conversation. "She definitely knows what she's doing even though she's still basically just a kid." Shuri glared at him, but you could tell it was friendly.

"And this is actually going to work?" you asked, still nervous after all the other failed attempts.

"Yes," she answered simply, leaving no room for negotiation.

"Okay, go for it." You laid back down, closing your eyes once again.

"I am going to need you to think of the strongest memory you have from the time you forgot. It will let me target the correct area with much more precision." Shuri instructed. You nodded, eager to get going.

Despite its brevity, you thought of your most recently recovered memory. Dancing with Steve while Lana del Rey sang in the background. You could practically feel his breath in your hair, the smooth fabric of his shirt. You definitely remembered how it felt to say and hear 'I love you' for the first time. It's what lead to your impromptu kiss in the hallway afterall.

You could have stayed in that memory for hours, reliving the simplicity of dancing with somebody you love over and over. In fact, it could have already been hours and you wouldn't have noticed.

"Okay, I'm done." Shuri stepped back, allowing you to sit up.The bright lights made your head spin, but it was nothing compared to the last few days.

"How long has it been?" you asked, still unsure how much time had passed.

"About an hour." Steve answered, his voice causing butterflies in your stomach.

Suddenly, your hand flew to your chest and your jaw dropped. You stared around the room, taking in everything you couldn't believe you forgot. Your eyes sparkled with unshed tears as you looked at all the people surrounding you.

"So, do you remember?" Tony finally asked, but you couldn't take your eyes of Steve once you had located him in the room.

"We got married..." you whispered, too overcome with emotion to speak at a normal volume. "We got married, and I forgot it."

Steve smiled, his own tears pooling in relief. He took the few steps required to reach you, gently taking your hands in his own. "We did."

"Where's my ring?" you questioned, still not quite believing the turn your day took. He silently pulled the ring out of his pocket and slid it onto your finger.

"You don't wear it on missions," he explained, relieved when you nodded in agreement. "I've had it with me since we got back." You laughed through the tears, kissing him quickly but mostly just needing him close.

"Any other major life events I've forgotten? No children running around, right?" you joked. When the room remained silent, you panicked. "If someone runs through that door yelling mommy I'm going to have a heart attack."

Finally, everyone laughed and Steve calmed your fears. "Nope, no children... yet." He whispered the last word just soft enough for only you to hear.

You smiled up at him, more in love than you could've imagined after the last few days.

"You better get on that."

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[alreadyjackbestfriend]

nightmares part 2. jack harlow x reader

Pairing: Jack Harlow x reader

Genre: angst, fluff

Note: after writing the sentence that it's going to be in bold letters, i thought of this song. this part wasn't inspired by it, but I feel like it captures its essence in a way.

part 1.

Haven't slept in a week or two, or two I think I might have fallen in love What am I to do?

you have spent almost a week ignoring jack successfully, you spent some nights studying at your friend's house, others locked in your room (obviously jack tried to talk to you every time he realized you were there, but you knew he was all about respecting personal space so if he knocked on your door and you didn't answer, he didn't try to force his way in), you were never in any of the shared spaces of the house where he could catch you, like the kitchen or living room, you muted his messages and you always arrived at the apartment when you knew he was not there. you even started to wonder if you had chosen the wrong career and you should be a detective or something.

You didn’t need to sleep anyway… although your body didn’t agree. one of your friends gently hit you in the ribs with her elbow, before the professor had the chance to realize you were falling asleep in his class.

It was Friday again, and when the class ended you decided that it was enough, you would go home and get some sleep. you said goodbye to your friends and made your way to the apartment, if everything was the same as before, neither urban nor jack would be there. But obviously, everything was not like before.

Urban was in his room with the door open, lying down in his bed with his laptop on his lap, “heyy, y/n” he said, when he felt your presence leaning against the door frame. He immediately noticed your deep dark circles, but didn’t say anything. You haven’t talked to him in all these days, and you missed him, after all, he was your friend, they both were.

“hey, what are you doing here?” you asked, and he looked at you confused, “it’s Friday” you reminded him.

“right” he laughed softly, “I have to finish this work by Monday, and I need a good grade” you nodded, and you closed the door and walked over to his bed, sitting next to him, forgetting your plan about coming home to sleep.

“ok, what do we have to do?”

You spent almost two hours reading and helping urban writing, and you both were so caught up that you didn't hear the front door opening a few minutes ago.

“okay, this is it for today, my brain is definitely not working anymore”

“thank you, y/n”

“oh, don’t mention it”

“can I tell you something?” you nodded, “I know that you are mad at jack, but you should talk to him, you haven't let him explain what happened”

“he has nothing to explain to me, we are not together, maybe we are not even friends, we are just… roommates” he pursed his lips and shook his head, as if he was disappointed of your answer, “let's leave it that way”

“if you say so”

you tapped his shoulder while getting up and left the room. While you were closing the door behind you, you saw jack in the hall, next to his door. He looked sadly at you, and entered his room without saying anything. you wondered if he had heard what you said, and felt the guilt run down your throat as you swallowed.

You tried to sleep with the lights on that night, but the only thing you managed to do was close your eyes and open them every half hour, trying to stop your body from going into a deep sleep.

***

The next day you spent the morning and the afternoon in urban’s room, reading texts for your classes while occasionally helping him with his work. At one point, he went to the kitchen to make something to eat. meanwhile, you lay down on his bed and closed your eyes for a few seconds.

“okay, that’s it” you listened to jack’s voice and opened your eyes immediately. He closed the door, leaving you with no chance of escape. he seemed really mad, and hurt. You got up from the bed, and looked at him “you're going to have to listen to me”

“I have nothing to listen to” you answered, and jack felt like he was going to explode because of your stubbornness.

“what’s happening in there?” suddenly urban's voice said behind the door

“go away urban!” jack yelled

“what the fuck bro it’s my fucking room” you heard urban said, and in any other context you would have laughed but it wasn't something you wanted to do right now.

Jack shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, “please just give us a minute, we'll be out soon”

“fineeeee” your friend said.

“you have nothing to explain to me jack, we are not a couple or anything”

“ok, then why are you mad at me?”

you didn't know what to answer, he was right. But then you started talking.

“because you kissed me and then you disappeared for two days! and you came back with another girl and I know I have no right, but I felt betrayed” you finally blurted out, a pout forming on your lips, trying to hold back the tears.

Jack looked at you confused, “when did I bring another girl here?”

“Jack” you sighed, “I heard her laugh from your room” you said, and saw realization on his face.

“oh, y/n, you got it all wrong, if you just let me explain all this” you crossed your arms over your chest, and nodded, giving him the opportunity to explain himself. he cleared his throat before speaking, “last weekend was a mess, I was a mess, I freaked out y/n, my feelings for you freaked me out. You know why I never tried to make a move on you? Because I have known you for six months, and I knew that as soon as we got a little closer, I would fall for you in a heartbeat, and that’s exactly what happened, and scared the shit out of me. I’m a normal person with fears, you know? Love is something that I’m afraid of, because when you are happy, that’s when things get shattered”

“I know, I’m scared too” you replied, and saw hope in his eyes. “but I didn’t run from you. And how do you explain the girl in your room? I tried to fall sleep even when I was scared of it, in case you decided to fuck her, I didn’t want to listen”

“but that didn’t happen, y/n, I promise you; you have me wrapped around your finger for gods sake” he said, with a frustrated laugh, ”I tried to be with someone that weekend, I confess it, but I couldn’t, because the only thing that I had in my mind was you. And this girl that was in my room came with her friends and they chose my bedroom to hang out because it was bigger than urban’s, and you know how hard it is for me to say no to people” he rubbed his hands over his face, “her friends left because they got bored and she was sitting on the floor smoking with urban and laughing with him while I was laying on my bed, checking my phone seeing if you gave any sign of life”

you felt your body instantly relax at his confession, but you still had something else on your mind “but you knew I needed you the night before”

“I know and I’m sorry, I fell sleep that night, I was wasted, and the day after I spent the whole afternoon throwing up. Then urban came here and saw you, and told me that you went to a friend’s house and didn’t let him explain what happened, and I though the worst.”

You looked at him not knowing what to say, you could see the desperation on his face, and all his explanations made sense, but you were hesitant… because the scenarios you formed in your head kept betraying you, you had a hard time believing how he had shot down each one of them.

“Please y/n, give us a chance. I was so afraid of testing a little of your love because I knew that after that I couldn’t let you go, and I’m so afraid that one of my worst fears is coming to reality exactly because of being a coward”

You spent a few seconds in silence, before you closed the distance and hugged him with all in you, he hugged you back, lifting you a little off the ground. Then, you moved your head to face him and you joined your lips to his in a slow and tender kiss.

When you broke the kiss to take a breath, you said: “I haven’t slept in a week”.

he looked at you with a tender smile, “let’s go take a nap”.

Needless to say, you didn't have a nightmare ever again.

***

I'M SO PROUD OF THIS, i haven't writed that fast and excited in years!!!! i really hope you enjoy it as much as i did writing it <;3

[johnkrrasinski]

started from a call

full masterlist

Pairings: Bucky Barnes x female!reader

Word count: 3,610

Warning: angst with a happy ending! that's all.

Summary: written for @wkemeup's 9k writing challenge with the prompt "character a leaves an embarrassing, drunk message on character b’s voicemail and spends the rest of the night trying to discreetly delete it from [b]’s phone." inspired by a bit of ross and rachel from friends too. you found out from steve that bucky was in love with you in high school but after he returns home with a girl in his arm, you cancelled your plans to tell him how you feel. will you and bucky have your happy ending?

a/n: please like, reblog and leave a feedback. :) enjoy!

"Alright, I'll see you tonight. Bye." He leaned against the kitchen counter and hung up the phone with a grin on his face. "You hear that, Sam? We're going on our third date tonight." He threw his phone up into the air and caught it so casually without spilling a drop of his coffee sitting on his right hand. "Looks like I'm getting that 300 bucks soon."

"Hey, easy. You ain't going to that date yet, who knows? She could bail on you. It doesn't count if the date doesn't end well."

"Oh, but it will. I just gotta turn on my charm and next thing you know, we're already meeting the parents stage."

"Meeting the parents? That's a big step from you, Buck."

"Hey, I'm a man of my words. If I said that I'm going to change this year then I'm gonna stick to it."

"So Leah isn't just a one-time thing to get 300 bucks?"

"Maybe yes, maybe no. We'll see how tonight goes. But one thing's for sure is that I'm getting that 300 bucks."

Sam and Bucky made a bet as their New Year's resolution that Bucky would never go on a second date with any girl or remember to call her in the morning after a wild night. His commitment issues had given him a reputation as the player in the gang. It wasn't a new thing anymore to anyone that when they visited Bucky's place in the morning, they would see a girl with a dopey smile and slightly ruffled hair walking out of his apartment, giddy that Bucky just made a promise to call her later.

You, Natasha, Wanda, Sam and Steve were hanging out at Nat's place. The six of you had been friends since college. You, Nat, Bucky and Steve had known each other since high school and the four of you kept in touch despite going to separate universities. You met Wanda when you went to NYU and Steve met Sam while he was in Harvard. Long story short, after the four of you graduated, you and Wanda lived together as roommates and even started your own bakery business. Steve and Bucky lived in the same building as you and Natasha and Sam lived nearly alone. They were too independent for roommates. Don't even start on Natasha and how much she valued her personal space. That's how the six of you ended up here, gathered at your place on a Saturday afternoon.

"Are you gonna pick her up tonight?"

"Of course. Gonna clean up well, bring her some flowers and knock on her door at 7 pm precisely. Which girl isn't gonna fall for that?" Bucky walked over to the couch you and Nat were sitting on and leaned on the headrest, his arms caging both you and Natasha.

You didn't say anything nor did Natasha because she knew about your feelings for Bucky. Despite never feeling that way about Bucky in high school, your feelings changed a week ago after learning that Bucky used to be in love with you but never had the courage to tell you. That's why he never had a girlfriend during his high school years and he wanted to take you to prom and confess his feelings to you but he was too late. Another guy had already snooped in first.

You were his first love but it wasn't reciprocated until now. That's why in college, he learned how to get over you and slept with as many women as possible because he felt like he lost four years of his life of finding the one. He never intended to be a player and feed girls empty promises, it just kind of became his way of dating. He was too afraid that no one could live up to you yet he enjoyed being with women. Hence, the bet.

The day you found out from Steve about Bucky's past feelings for you while playing truth or dare, you immediately wanted to call him up but Bucky was out of town for a few days and as soon as he was back home, he had Leah in his arm. Your heart was crushed. Wanda told you that it would probably last for a few days and that he'd eventually be single again but you totally did not expect this thing to turn into something serious. You loved Sam with every fibre of your being, he was like the big brother you never had, but you wanted to curse him for making that bet.

So you just rolled your eyes and stayed silent throughout this entire conversation, even though your heart felt like it was being stabbed over and over again. "Alright, I gotta go. Got a big date tonight. I'll see you guys in a few hours." Just like that, Bucky walked out of the room without knowing the pain his words caused you.

The next day you were sitting in your bed watching The Notebook in your pyjamas because you were too heartbroken to do anything productive. It was Sunday so you could just have a whole day to yourself and do absolutely nothing but cry. Wanda knocked on your door bringing a plate of cookies and she had a pitiful look on her face. "y/n? Sweetie? I made you these cookies, they might make you feel better." Sometimes you thank the stars for bringing her into your life.

"Thank you, Wanda. You're so nice to me." You know you probably sound like a hormonal whiny kid but everything made you cry at the moment.

"Do you need anything else? I know how it feels to get your heartbroken, trust me. When me and Vision had a fight and we didn't talk for days all I wanted was to curl up and never leave my bed, so in case you need anything, I'm here." She offered you that warm smile of hers.

"No, all I want right now is to just eat these cookies and go back to my film, thanks Wan."

"Okay, I'll be outside." Your pity party was interrupted when Nat arrived in her leather jacket and burst into your room.

"Get up, you are taking a shower and you're getting that face beat."

"Natasha, what the hell? Leave me alone."

"Y/N, listen to me. I got a date for you. His name is Scott and he's a real nice guy, he's funny, he's a good friend of mine and he is really smart. He is so much better than Bucky, I promise you. Now c'mon, I already told him that you are meeting him tonight at Stark's restaurant at 7."

You whined, doing anything you can to get her to leave you alone with your tears and your cookies but you knew that once Natasha set her mind on something, there's no talking her way out of it. Damn that woman with her determination.

"Y/N, c'mon! Wallowing all day isn't you. I know you and what's good for you. That's why I found you a great guy who will charm you so good that you will forget Barnes even existed. You can't let him win, y/n. If he's going to be happy with someone else, then you better show him that you can be much happier with other people."

You stared at her, trying to absorb her words. There's some wisdom in that. You're not the type to cry over a guy, not even for even Bucky Barnes. So you let Natasha drag you to the shower and asked Wanda to do your hair when she does your makeup. She chose an outfit for you, a dress that was not too sexy but chic enough to leave a good first impression.

Scott was early to the restaurant and he looked elated to see you. He was wearing a grey suit with no tie and he had a really exuberant smile on his face, the type that drew people easily. You could see why Natasha called him a nice guy.

"Wow, sorry, I just- didn't expect you to be this beautiful."

"Ah, thank you, Scott. Have you been waiting long?"

"No, not at all. I just arrived here like five minutes ago."

The night went on and Scott did most of the asking and talking, you answered each question curtly with forced enthusiasm in your face and body language. You weren't even listening to half of the things he said because your mind kept playing images of Bucky with Leah and how you heard from Sam that the date went well so he lost 300 bucks. You kept thinking about Bucky and Leah and how they would probably get married and have kids and live in the suburbs with a golden retriever while you'd still be single and you'd compare every man you meet to Bucky. Maybe it was your karma for not reciprocating his feelings in high school.

Five glasses of wine and you spent more time nodding than talking. Honestly, all you wanted to do was to just go home and go back to The Notebook because their love story was much better than your love life. Scott woke you out of your daze, "Natasha told you that I was cuter than this, did she?" after you gulped your sixth glass of wine.

"Oh Scott, I'm so sorry. It's not you, it's me. I know it sounds cliche but it's just... I'm not in a place where I'm looking for a boyfriend. You are a really likeable guy and I swear, if we had met at another time, maybe I would be a better date but right now, I just- I have someone else in my mind." You sighed, it felt like a relief to get that off your chest.

"Is this guy... an ex-boyfriend?"

You chuckled, "no... He wishes."

Scott nodded, "look, I don't know what your situation is but I've been through a divorce and it's never easy. But eventually, you'll be fine. You can't see it now because you haven't had closure." Then it was as if the bulb above your head was turned on.

"That's it.  Closure, yeah. That's all I need. Okay, give me a minute. I'm gonna call him now and I'm going to get my closure."

Scott sat there watching you comically trying to find your phone in your purse and tapped on Bucky's contact number. The normal you would be sweating with every ring but intoxicated you had no worries in the world... For now.

"This is Bucky. Can't pick up right now, leave a message." Beep.

"Hello, yes, Bucky! Or James, should I call you James? I always thought Bucky was a weird name. Anyways, I'm just calling to tell you that I am fine and I am on a date with Scott. And speaking of dates, I just gotta tell you that I'm happy to hear that your date went well. And that, my friend, means that I am over you. That's right, I'm over you. Tell Leah I say hi." You said sarcastically.

You hung up the phone and threw your phone back into your purse. You felt like you just won a chess game.

The next morning you decided to sleep in because your heart was pounding and you could barely sit up without feeling like you might fall. You were supposed to be working at the bakery but since you owned the bakery, Wanda let you sleep it off until you recover. You couldn't remember anything from last night, how you got back to your apartment was a mystery. You tried to put the pictures together, from being forced to go on a date, meeting a guy named Sean? Simon? Sebastian? Scott! Yes, Scott. You ordered your meals and then... Nothing, it was all blurry. You weren't even sure if anything happened at all after eating your meals.

The apartment was empty because Wanda was working at the bakery and it was just you with your hangover pills. Bucky came to your apartment without knocking because Wanda told him on the phone that you were home. He greeted you with a smile and asked about your date.

"Uh, let's see. I think there was a restaurant, I know there was wine. And there's a guy, Scott and pretty much that's all I can recall."

Bucky made a yikes face. Seeing the state you were in, he could do the math (of the wine you had). You probably enjoyed the alcohol more than the guy. What a doofus, he thought. If he was the one going on a date with you, you'd definitely remember every detail from last night.

"Leah's downstairs and I'm taking her back to her place but I left my keys here last night. Have you seen it?"

"No, check the drawers. Maybe Wanda put 'em there."

"Ah, okay." He opened the drawers and found the keys to his bike.

"Did we... Speak on the phone last night?"

"Nope, my phone was dead and I didn't charge it all night so I haven't really checked it. Why?"

"Nothing, nothing. It's just... Never mind. My memories are a bit hazy right now. You should go, say hi to Leah for me."

Bucky nodded as you walked back to your room to go lie down. Your question reminded him that he should probably check his phone now because there could be work-related messages but the first thing he heard was a voicemail from you. "Oh, y/n. I got your message!"

That instantly stopped you in your tracks. Your eyes went wide and you froze. You immediately turned around and ran to grab his phone away from him. Bucky had a confused look on his face, "who's Scott?"

"Oh my God, no, Bucky, give me the phone. Give me the phone!" But it was already too late, he was already halfway through your voicemail and by the time you successfully snatched his phone out of his grasp, he had already heard every word.

Bucky stood there dumbfounded, he needed time to process everything you just said to him. "What do you- what do you mean you're over me?"

"Oh, God... Alright, um- lately, I've um- sort of, have... Feelings for you." You never had to chase a guy or confess your crush first so this felt new and my God, it was nerve-racking.

"You have feelings for me..." He said it as if he was convincing himself that his ears got it right. Bucky couldn't believe the words that just escaped through your lips, for years he had dreamed of this moment. Though never did he ever want you to make the first move but adolescent him wanted to hear you say what he'd been wanting to say to you too.

He didn't say anything for what felt like minutes and you couldn't decipher his thoughts from the look on his face. "I need to sit down," he pulled one of the dining chairs and leaned on his side in a defeated posture.

"Bucky... Please say something." You alerted him in a hushed tone, not wanting to startle him than you already did. But he didn't. He was lost at words. What the hell was he supposed to tell her?

"Look Bucky, I'm sorry for telling you this way but I had to. I just- I've been wanting to talk to you about it since you came back to New York, well- actually, since Steve told me but-"

"Whoa, Steve told you?!" He interrupted.

"Yeah, it just accidentally slipped when we were playing truth or dare..."

"Okay well," he stood up from his seat, yet he still couldn't look you in the eye. "I can't do this right now, Leah's waiting for me downstairs and I gotta go." He basically ran out of the room and slammed the door behind him, leaving you alone.

Once your hangover had begun dissipating, you decided to help Wanda at the bakery and took the night shift. She must've been exhausted from managing the bakery alone while also helping the employees in the kitchen so you told her to go home and leave it to you. The bakery's usually slower at night.

When it was nearing closing time and your employees had gone home, you decided to clean up and turned off the lights and checked everything one last time before locking the door. The bell above the door dinged and you were slightly annoyed because who the hell comes to the bakery at this hour?

"I'm sorry we're clo...sed." It was Bucky. He stood there in a black coat, with an expression you still couldn't figure out. "Bucky, what are you-"

"You have no right to tell me that you've got feelings for me." His tone was harsh, he never spoke that way to you or anyone... Ever.

"What?"

He walked closer to you, maintaining his gaze, "You can not tell me that you've got feelings for me now when I'm doing well with my life and Leah..."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"I was in love with you for years! Years, y/n! And you never said and did anything and now when everything's going well you're ruining it!"

"I am ruining it?" You repeated the question because you couldn't believe what you just heard. How dare he said those hurtful things to you.

"Yes! I was doing fine with Leah and now I don't know what's going to happen with me and her anymore..."

"Yeah, well, I was doing fine before I found out that YOU were in love with me and never had the balls to tell me!" You did everything you could to not cry, you hated crying in the middle of an argument.

"Hey, it's not like I didn't try. There were your ex-boyfriends and your dates and I had to move on. I couldn't wait forever! And now, now you're too late."

"Oh, so what? You're just gonna walk away and pretend that this never happened?"

"Yes, I'm going to do exactly that and I'm going to go see Leah." He turned around like he did earlier in your apartment and left you alone once again with your heartbreak.

"Fine! Go ahead and see Leah because I don't give a fuck about cowards like you or whoever you sleep with." You slammed the door and tried everything you could to not have a breakdown here because you really hated letting an argument hurt you. You sat on one of the chairs where the customers would sit and you hid your face with your hands and cried.

Not because you just lost an argument but because of what Bucky said and it felt like you had lost Bucky before you even had him. Now there was no hope left for you and Bucky, things were too complicated.

You didn't know how long you had cried there, alone, in the dimmed lighting of your shop but after you felt like the tears had dried, you wiped the traces of your tears from your cheeks with the back of your thumb. You stood from your seat and was ready to go home. You couldn't wait to eat some leftover pizzas, take a warm shower and cry into your pillows until you fall asleep.

But when you were about to leave, you saw Bucky standing on the other side of the door, watching you through the windows with a softer expression on his face. You opened the door and Bucky instantly grabbed your waist and kissed you as if his life depended on it.

You gave in to his kiss, letting him pour every desire and yearning into your lips for as long as he wanted. You grabbed his face because you wanted him impossibly closer and you shut your eyes, letting your guard down. Because it was Bucky, and you'd known him for as long as you could remember and you both deserved this moment.

Bucky eventually pulled away until both of you were running out of air. You were breathless from his kiss, you never knew he was such a good kisser. (It's Bucky and he's had a lot of women on his bed, of course, he was excellent at it. Who were you kidding?) But now that you've had your own front-row experience, you felt a tad of possessiveness at the thought of sharing those lips or any part of him with anyone else.

"I couldn't go back to her knowing you are here alone and I had thrown away what I've wanted for as long as I could remember."

"I'm glad you came back." You pressed your foreheads and you rested your hands on his chest. You could get used to this.

"I hope it's not too late to say this but, y/n y/l/n, will you let me take you to dinner and see a movie after maybe?"

"I wasn't the one who said it's too late," you halfheartedly teased him.

"Shut up, so is that a yes or a no?"

You bit your lip and nodded, "yes. Definitely a yes." You stared into his ocean blue eyes, so deep and beautiful, you could easily get lost in it.

"y/n y/ln, I'm going to put all of your ex-boyfriends to shame."

"Hm, we'll see about that." You put your arms around his neck. Then a thought crossed your mind and your smile faded away, "what are you gonna do about Leah though?"

"I'll talk to her in the morning. Let's take you home now, yeah? It's getting late."

You bit your lip and nodded, "okay."

Ninth grade you dreamed of popular jocks and athletic seniors, but little did you know that, sometimes, the one who sincerely loved you was the book nerd who loved The Hobbit a little too much.

[milkybonya]

i'm not the same boy you knew back then

Warnings: food mentions and some angst, party mentions

Pairing: Yedam x (gn)reader

Summary: where Yedam broke your heart in high school because he didn't know how to act but now he's desperately in love with you and wishes you still felt the same :")

word count: 5.8k

inspired by Walls by All Time Low (it has explicit language! be careful~~i've put a link for it at the veryyy end of this fic)

[a/n]: I GOT SO CARRIED AWAY FOR THE FLASHBACK PART OF THIS OML I'M SORRY FOR THE CHAOS AND MESS BUT I HOPE YOU ENJOY

Hey there it's good to see you again, It never felt right calling this "just friends". I'm happy, if you're happy, with yourself.

"Isn't that Yedam?" your friend, sat beside you, asks. They point to somewhere behind your head, and naturally, you turn around to follow their finger with your eyes.

As the doors to the lecture hall swing shut, a familiar boy begins to walk quickly down the steps. While grinning, he decides on a spot near the back, far away from your almost front-row seat. You let out the breath you didn't realize you were holding and face the front.

"Since when did he go to our university?" your friend asks, also facing the front now.

"I have no clue," you admit.

You'd purposely accepted an offer at a faraway university to avoid having to see Yedam ever again after high school. High school had become one of the worst times of your life thanks to him.

-

Yedam's pov

As soon as I enter the hall, I find [y/n] with my eyes immediately. They look at me with a mix of shock, disgust and hatred, but seeing them fills me with so much joy that I can't help but smile.

Deciding not to bother them, I pick a spot near the back and sit down. I wonder to myself if switching to [y/n]'s school was the right choice...

-

[y/n]'s pov

It was obvious you were too much for me. Oblivious, I was young

Back in high school, you had the fattest crush on one of the school's most popular kids, and you hated yourself for it. It wasn't like you could control your feelings... but your heart was set on him. His smile made you feel so warm and you felt happy despite him not having the slightest clue who you were. You always watched him from afar, peering at him as he walked into the classroom while waving at all of his friends before taking a seat at the back.

By some chance, you got paired with him for an assignment. You thought he would be disappointed, since he had never spoken to you, but contrary to his somewhat intimidating aura as a result of him being a popular kid, he smiled warmly at you as you introduced yourself.

"I know you're [y/n]," he said quietly, looking down at the assignment instructions in front of him.

"How do you know?" you asked him.

He looked up and leaned in closer to you to whisper into your ear, only after being sure that no one was watching.

"It may not seem like it, but I do know my classmates."

When he moved back, he flashed you a grin before returning to the assignment instructions again. Your heartbeat was flooding your ears.

After meeting up several times to do the research and plan out the presentation together, you and Yedam somehow grew closer. You had always thought he was some sort of chic, cool guy, but he turned out to be super soft and sweet. The two of you laughed at each other's dumb jokes and procrastinated late into the night sometimes, only beginning your work when the café was about to close.

On one of those days, Yedam asked if you wanted to go to his place to finish the assignment.

"It's due in two weeks and we still have so much to do... plus we're so busy that we can only meet once a week," he explained, pouting slightly.

You agreed, feeling somewhat nervous and excited at the prospect of going to your crush's house for the first time.

His parents were home but asleep as it was late for them, so the two of you quietly went to his room.

In-between muffled giggles and late-night snacks, the two of you managed to get a lot of work done before you felt as though you'd hit your limit. After yawning and stretching, you told Yedam that it was time you went home.

"Do you live far from here?" he asked you.

You, in fact, did live quite far from his house, but you felt bad telling him this, so you lied and told him you lived close by.

He pouted and looked down.

"I was going to ask if you wanted to just sleep here... but I guess it makes sense for you to go home," he said, helping you pack up your things.

Yedam... wanted you to stay the night? How could you miss such an opportunity! Your crush! Wanted you to stay the night!!

Yedam noticed that you'd stopped moving, holding your pencil case in your hand as you thought about what to say.

"Is everything okay?" he asked you.

"Yeah... I actually... live kind of far," you mumbled, not wanting him to get mad at you for lying.

"You do? Then why did you say you live close by?" he asked, also taking his hands away from your backpack.

"I didn't want you to walk me home or anything," you explained. Yedam smiled at you, shaking his head.

"Don't worry about it now... do you have any clothes to change into?"

"Just my gym clothes... but they're dirty," you told him, shyly.

"Do you want to take something of mine to wear?" he asked you, already standing up to look through his closet without waiting for your answer.

You were going to say no, again, not wanting to bother him, but he had already pulled out some of his comfier clothes for you to wear.

After changing into them and walking back into his room, you avoided Yedam's eyes as he quietly lost his mind over how cute you looked.

"Um, so..." Yedam started, scratching the back of his neck.

"Would you be okay with sleeping in my bed? I'll go sleep in the livingroom-"

"No, no! I'll go sleep there-"

"No, I can't let a guest sleep on the couch!"

Both of you sighed, not being able to win against one another.

"Listen, it's either you sleep in my room and I go to the livingroom, or we both sleep in my bed," he said, pointing to his bed behind you.

You froze, trying to consider your options as your heartbeat grew louder.

"Well... I guess we're both sleeping here then," you said, in a tone that tried to sound confident but was a little shaky.

You plopped yourself face first into the bed to hide from your embarrassment, feeling the bed shift a few seconds later as Yedam joined you.

"Scooch over towards the wall. I'll sleep on this side so you won't fall off the bed at night," he said, pointing to the side of his bed that faced the rest of his room. You smiled at Yedam's kind gesture as you moved over.

He had turned off the light and it was dark now, and both of you lay side-by-side on your backs, staring up at the ceiling.

"Are you... asleep?" he asked you quietly a while later. You shook your head at first, but then realized he couldn't see you. So you said a quiet "no".

You felt Yedam shift as he turned to face you. You carefully turned your head towards him too, wondering what he was up to. It was hard to see in the dark, but he was just admiring your face. You looked away, feeling embarrassed, until you felt him shuffling closer to you.

It was a little nerve-wracking watching his figure tower over you in the dark. Blinking up at him, you parted your lips to ask him what he was doing, but he spoke first.

"Am I allowed to... kiss you?" he asked, quietly looking down at you.

Yedam... wants to ???? Your crush wanted-

You found yourself nodding before your thoughts could entirely be processed, and watched as Yedam lowered himself onto you with a small smile. His heart soared as he watched your reaction -- your eyes were squeezed shut so tightly out of nervousness.

Before his soft lips met yours, he found your hand under the blankets and held it in an attempt to ease you of your nervousness. He didn't know that it only made your stomach feel the effects even more intensely.

Your lips touched for only a moment, but it felt like a whole eternity. When he pulled away, he moved off of you quickly and shuffled over to his side of the bed again.

"I'm sorry.. I'm so sorry," he mumbled, looking away from you. You were confused.

"What's wrong?" you asked him.

"I... I was supposed to tell you I like you first but then now you're right beside me--wait not that I like you... wait I mean I do, but I didn't want to tell you like this--"

Hearing his unsure confession was all the confidence you needed to pull him closer, accidentally tightening his hoodie strings as you pulled him in to carefully press your lips against his again. He completely melted into your hands, then, wrapping an arm around your back and holding you close.

That was probably one of the last good memories you have of him.

After that, Yedam turned into a different person the next morning, avoiding your eyes and missing any trace of a smile on his face as he pushed a plate of breakfast towards you.

"Let's not walk to school together, okay? I'll be leaving first," he told you, leaving you alone in his own house.

You had no clue what was going on and no appetite to eat. After waiting a few minutes, you walked to school after him. You had no idea how to even get to school from his house, so after getting lost and arriving late, you finally managed to make it.

When you tried to approach him in class, he would turn his back on you and ignore you. It made you feel so small that you stopped even trying.

It was really hard for you to show up to school after that, because of how terrible you felt, but you still tried your best. Your friends knew something was wrong and they did their best to help you, but it didn't stop you from thinking about Yedam and why he was acting so strangely.

Until he texted you one day in the middle of class, asking you to meet him in an empty classroom.

You told yourself you shouldn't pay him any attention, especially after he ghosted you like that, but you still followed after him, curious to see what excuse he would give you.

In the classroom, you couldn't see anyone, so you thought Yedam hadn't arrived yet until you heard him call out your name from behind a file cabinet. By the windows.

"Come here, [y/n]," he said, motioning for you to approach him. He was smiling at you again, just like he did on those days when you'd study with him in the café. You told yourself to just turn around and leave, but your feet guided you to him.

You frowned up at him.

"What the heck have you been doing?" you asked him, tears already threatening to leave your eyes.

"[y/n], I-I'm sorry... you know how it is for me, with my popular reputation. Some kids saw us at the café and posted pictures of us, saying that I was going around dating a loser-"

He was holding onto your hands while wearing a pitiful expression, but you coldly pushed him away after hearing him out.

"So you've been acting weird because I'm tainting your reputation? Yedam, we never even dated! You gave me some... half-assed confession and... kissed me in the middle of the night and then ghosted me," you told him, sternly.

"I know, I'm sorry... It's so pathetic but I really do like you... I'm just really bad at this, I know, but I'm telling you now I like you-"

"In an empty classroom. Behind a file cabinet."

"Please, [y/n]. Date me for real... I promise I won't let you down."

You and your kind, innocent heart believed his promise. You believed him because his eyes were sparkling and he was holding onto you so tightly.

Yedam told you that you had to date him in secret, and that was just one of many red flags. He explained that if his friends found out, he would be teased and you would be hurt by their words, too. Nonetheless, you agreed. At school, you never spoke to him. All you got were stolen glances, Yedam winking at you every time you turned around in your seat. Somehow, that was enough to make your heart flutter.

You could only see each other in each other's homes, since even the risk of being caught out on a date was too much for Yedam to handle. The two of you would intertwine hands while watching a movie. You'd rest your head on Yedam's shoulder, or sometimes he would rest his head in your lap and you would gently stroke his hair, watching as his eyes squeezed shut tightly while he indulged in the feeling of your love.

Sometimes the two of you would listen to music together, quietly sharing earphones while staring out the window.

Sometimes you would just talk for hours into the night.

Yedam's smile would never leave his face when he was with you.

Except for when he was at school.

And you could handle it. At least you thought you could, until the final straw.

For Yedam's birthday, a few of his friends had gathered in his home, celebrating. You were also invited, of course, after you begged Yedam to let you come. He had told his friends that he invited you as a gesture of thanks for working on the assignment with him... it broke your heart to hear this lie, but you shrugged it off, again.

Everyone was feeling excited as they all started a game of spin-the-bottle. You felt incredibly out of place and already angry, even more so upon seeing a girl getting all handsy with Yedam, stroking his thigh with her hand and playing with his hair. She was constantly glued to him, but you shrugged it off, again.

After the bottle's mouth faced Yedam, the girl beside him dared him to kiss someone. How childish, you thought to yourself. You watched as Yedam locked eyes with you and started to stand up, making his way towards you with a small smile, but the girl beside him stopped him.

"Where are you going, damie? Isn't it me who you should kiss?"

Yedam looked back at her and then at you.

"I-"

"C'mon, it's your birthday!" she said, dragging him back down.

That literally is not an excuse and makes no sense, you scoffed to yourself, rolling your eyes.

The next few moments were a blur, but Yedam ended up kissing her and you felt like a piece of paper being torn in two. We can't even look at each other in public, you thought to yourself. You fought back tears and got up to leave. No one seemed to mind or care about where you were going, since none of these people were your friends anyway. Even Yedam was preoccupied, his lips on the mouth of this other girl.

You couldn't just shrug things off anymore. This was it. Now, it was your turn to ghost Yedam.

You hadn't told him, but your family were planning to move to another city soon. You told them to plan the move for earlier so you could leave that dreaded place and leave Yedam. Ignoring all his calls and texts, you transferred out the next week, and that was that.

-

I'm gonna break down these walls, I built around myself. I wanna fall so in love, with you, and no one else, Could ever mean half as much, to me as you do now. Together we'll move on, just don't turn around, Let the walls break down.

You can't focus in lecture as everything that happened with Yedam flashes before your eyes. Just as you're starting to live a normal life without him, he has to show up and allow of the trauma to resurface.

As soon as your class ends, you quickly pack your bags. Your friend does the same, understanding exactly what is going on. But it seems like Yedam and his feet move a little faster.

Just as you're about to leave your row, you look up to find Yedam standing at the end of it, a small smile on his face.

You sigh and turn around, telling your friend to do the same so you can leave through the other side. But Yedam just follows behind you quietly. He doesn't say a word and just follows you as you and your friend as you leave the lecture hall to go to your next class.

Suddenly, you stop. Your friend and Yedam stop, too.

You turn around, your fist clenched into a tight ball.

"Yedam, can you please stop following me? Do you not have classes of your own or things to do? Please leave me alone," you told him, turning your back on him again and walking forward.

Your friend didn't follow you, though, but looked back and forth between you and Yedam. So lost in your thoughts, you walk to class on your own, not noticing that your friend isn't following you.

-

Yedam's pov

After they say those words and leave, I feel my heart breaking in two. Of course I know how much I've hurt [y/n], but their words make me realize that I'll never be able to completely understand. I almost start crying right there and then...

"Yedam, right?" their friend asks me. I look at them and nod, confused.

"Listen, [y/n] hates your guts. They're not going to talk to you and hear you out, so I'll do it instead. I know [y/n] might regret it if they don't hear you out, even if they don't want to."

I smile at [y/n]'s friend. That sounds exactly like [y/n]...

"You've probably heard a lot of awful things about me, and it's all true. But... [y/n] probably didn't tell you about those nights we spent in each other's rooms... the times that we did get to spend with each other alone.... sorry, what I'm trying to say is that I've always loved [y/n]. Not even 'like', but I've always loved them. And I don't think I'll be able to stop... I know I was such a terrible boyfriend back then. I don't think I can say I even was much of a boyfriend... but I've changed. I can promise that I've changed. I know it must be so arrogant of me to ask if they'll give me another chance but..."

I trail off, my brain shutting down as I struggle to find anymore words to express myself. [y/n]'s friend nods after I trail off.

"I see... well, I've heard about your promises. I heard they couldn't be trusted but if you've changed, then maybe that has changed, too. [y/n] has a really kind heart, but I won't let them date a jerk ever again. So unless we both know for sure that you're different now, we are not letting you date them."

With that, [y/n]'s friend walks away and leaves me there.

-

[y/n]'s pov

In class, you feel completely empty, unsure of how to feel. You only notice that your friend had not been beside you this entire time when they take a seat in the spot beside you, apologizing that they're late.

"Where were you?" you ask them, looking up as they sit down.

"I was talking to Yedam," your friend tells you, never one to lie.

Your face fills with disgust at the mention of his name.

"Why would you do that?" you whisper loudly, causing some heads in the lecture hall to turn your way. You mumble an apology before returning to your friend.

"I wanted to hear him out," they say, casually opening up their notes.

"What did he say?"

"So you are interested, huh?" they ask you, teasing.

"No, I'm not!"

"I know, calm down! He just said something along the lines of how he's always loved you and does now, too, and that he's changed--"

"That is the most garbage thing I've ever heard," you say, interrupting your friend with a scoff. They smile, shaking their head at you.

-

When you return to your dorm after all your classes, you find a small gift bag hanging on the door knob to your room. Curious, you pick it up and notice it has your name written on the side.

You could recognize that handwriting from a mile away.

As if it's the side of a hot pan, you drop it, watching its contents spill to the ground. A pack of your favourite snack falls out, along with a neatly handwritten note, a CD player and earphones.

I guess it wouldn't hurt to look, you tell yourself.

Picking everything up and walking into your room, you sit on your bed and read the note over.

[y/n]!! ah, it doesn't make sense for me to be cute or excited in this note, does it? >.< please forgive me.... i'm a little nervous... here is that snack that you've always loved... do you still love it now, too? and here is something that i wrote for you~it's on the CD. just press play and i'll let the song do the talking... i wrote this after you disappeared.

- yedam

This song better be god tier if he's coming to leave it at my door, you think to yourself.

As the song fills your ears, it seems to fill your empty heart too. You can tell it's full of Yedam's sincere feelings and thoughts... or he's just doing a good job of acting while singing. You can't seem to tell, but you still tear up a little.

You hear the door to your room swing open, as your friend, who also happens to be your roommate, barges in.

"What are you up to?" they ask, placing some things on their desk. They turn around immediately when they hear you sniffling.

"ARE YOU CRYING?" they shout, sitting beside you and wrapping their arms around you.

"This... song... Yedam..." you croak, just handing them the earphones.

When they listen to it, they also go quiet.

"It sounds really sincere..." your friend tells you, quietly.

"I'm not the only one who feels that way?" you ask your friend, looking at them.

"You know him better than I do, so you're probably right," they tell you, standing up.

"Why did this boy have to show up and make a mess of my life again," you groan, hiding your face in your hands.

"Well, I have just the solution! I know you're probably going to think about him and not get any work done anyway, so should we just go to a party?!" your friend tells you, jumping up and down.

"A party?" you wrinkle your nose in disgust.

"It'll help you stop thinking about him! Please, we never went to any parties last year!! Let's go, just this once!" they beg.

After thinking it over, you agree. What's the worst that could happen?

-

Wearing one of your favourite fits and feeling good, you walk alongside your friend, who already has a groove in their step as the two of you make your way to the house where the party is set to be held. It isn't that hard to find, since you're just following the bright lights and loud music in the distance. It's a wonder the people in that house aren't being arrested for causing such a ruckus...

Finally there, you step inside and try not to bump into any weird people. The music is so loud its deafening, and you shrivel up at the sound of it. Your friend wraps their arm around you, pulling you in close and guiding you to the snack/drink area so you can take what you need and go to a quieter place.

Your friend did beg you to come today, so they won't force you to dance or do any things you don't want to do...

Now equipped with everything you need, you make your way to the basement, where it's a lot quieter despite being so busy.

"How's this for a change?" your friend asks you, grooving along to the distant sound of the music from upstairs.

"It seems like you want to dance," you tell your friend.

They shake their head.

"I'll stay with you toniiiiiight!" they cheer, hugging you tightly. You laugh.

"It's fine, just go up! The crowd doesn't seem too scary or weird down here," you tell them as you watch two people play mario kart in front of a TV.

After asking you 1000 times if it's really okay, they leave you there with a drink in your hand. You continue watching the two people playing mario kart, secretly rooting for the boy in orange because his fit looks really nice, even if you're only looking from the back.

He ends up losing and you let out a "noooo!" loud enough for the two to hear. When they turn around, you discover that the boy in orange had been Yedam all along!

I take back rooting for him... he deserved to lose!

Widening your eyes at the sight of him, you quickly turn away and try to navigate your way towards another room. To your surprise, as soon as you walk in, Yedam is in there, holding the door open at the other end and panting.

"[y/n]," he calls out softly, smiling slightly. You can tell he's testing the waters and wondering how to react.

You try to walk out of the room, but the door behind you has been shut by some drunken idiot! He's pressed up against the frame and no matter how much you push, the door just won't open.

"[y/n], if you want to leave, it's okay. I don't want to bother you," Yedam tells you, stepping aside from the other door and motioning for you to walk through.

You sigh.

"No, it's fine. I guess we're here for a reason now, or something," you mumble, sliding down the wall until you're in a comfortable sitting position.

Yedam smiles, closing the door behind him.

"Still caught up in all that destiny stuff?" he asks you, joining you in sitting on the ground but also keeping his distance.

You scoff in response. How does this kid remember everything about me?

"So... what are you doing in my house?' he asks you.

"Your.... house?"

"Yeah, this is my house. You didn't know?" he asks you, looking bewildered.

You think about your friend. They must have brought you here while knowing it was Yedam's house...

"Um... nevermind that. How... have you been?" Yedam asks you, wringing his hands.

"Me? I've been doing great until now. How about you?" you spit out your words sarcastically, but Yedam doesn't seem to mind.

"I've been... well... I'm not sure. It would be cheesy for me to say I've been feeling lost without you, but that's kind of how it is," he tells you, chuckling nervously.

"Yeah, super cheesy. It also doesn't make sense, Yedam," you tell him, avoiding his eyes.

"I know it doesn't, but to me it does. I know our relationship was a mess, but those times that we spent together were... something else. Probably some of the best times of my life, honestly," he tells you.

"And why... are you telling me this?" you ask him, curious to see how he'll respond.

"Because I know I'm in the wrong and there's no excuse for my past childishness, but... I've missed you. And I still do. I know I was really caught up in my reputation back then and I didn't open myself up to you properly, but I want to do that now."

He runs his fingers through his hair, and something inside you turns. You didn't realize just how much you loved it when Yedam did that until now... he looks so pretty--

No. What are you thinking?!

"I haven't missed you though, Yedam," you say.

He smiles sadly.

"I know. And there's no reason for you to. But I'm just... asking for a second chance in case you think there's anything left."

You gulp and look up at the ceiling. You hadn't even considered the possibility of dating Yedam again, but talking with him now is different. He's less cautious and seems to be a lot more comfortable with you.

Someone knocks on the door behind Yedam and Yedam tells them to come in.

"Oh, am I interrupting?" the boy asks, slowly backing away.

"It's fine, I'm just talking to [y/n]," Yedam says with a smile, gesturing towards you. You greet the boy and his eyes light up.

"[y/n]?! The one you always tell me about? Gosh... it's so nice to meet you!" the boy says, shaking your hand and sitting down in front of you.

"You put up with a lot of Yedam's antics, I've heard," he says, laughing. Yedam laughs along, but you're still in shock.

Yedam had never told anyone about you... but now this random boy knows everything?

"It was more than antics. I was... really bad to [y/n]. I'm surprised they haven't left yet," Yedam admits, leaning back.

"I transferred to your old high school after you transferred out, and this boy was always sad. He didn't talk to anyone but me, only because the teacher asked him to show me around. He told me everything about you and eventually told the rest of his friends, too. You were his biggest and only heartbreak... I swear everyone at our school knows about you," the boy explains.

"What did you tell them?" you ask Yedam.

"He told us how he had been dating you in secret because he was afraid to ruin his popularity, but that he regrets it a lot. A lot of his friends left him after finding out you dated Yedam," the boy explains. Yedam nods along.

You're in shock. The boy who was so secretive and insecure exposed himself as a heartbreaker?

"Anyways, I'm sorry to be interrupting. I'll leave now!" the boy says, standing up and closing the door behind him.

"You... told everyone?" you ask Yedam. He nods.

"I feel like it was the only thing I could do for you. You deserved to be known as the one who held my heart," he says, holding his chest and laughing at his own cheesy words.

You find yourself laughing along and loosening up.

A moment of silence stretches between the two of you, and Yedam breaks it by standing up.

"Do you wanna play mario kart with me? You seemed to be having fun watching," Yedam asks you quietly.

You nod, also standing up.

The two of you play for about an hour, screaming and yelling at the TV just like you used to in your bedroom when you'd play games together.

"I won!" you declare in glee, turning to Yedam to do your signature high five with him. His hands meet yours, and you only realize what you're doing only after its already happened. You awkwardly move your hands away, facing the screen again.

"I'm sorry..." you mumble.

"No, I'm sorry! It's really okay, [y/n]... if you feel uncomfortable around me, you don't have to--"

"Your song touched me a lot, Yedam. And now I feel like... I want to try again. Just like this game," you say, pointing to the screen that has try again written in the corner.

"Are you sure?" he asks you, slowly.

You nod, deciding you've made up your mind. You've seen a lot of green flags already -- enough to decide that it's okay to move forward.

Yedam smiles and looks down at his lap. Then his head lifts up quickly, his eyes lighting up.

"I can take you to that café you always wanted to go! They have one in this city... and there's a museum next to it too! Do you want to go there? I.."

As he continues talking, you realize that all of the things he's saying he wants to do were things that you never did with Yedam, even after one year of dating him. It was always stay-at-home dates and ignore-each-other-when-we're-at-school. Somehow, you feel excited, wondering what things will be like.

"[y/n]! I've been looking everywhere for--oh, Yedam? Hi!" your friend greets you both.

"Did you have fun dancing?" you ask them. They nod, pointing to Yedam with their eyes.

You get up and whisper into your friend's ear.

"We have a lot to talk about, but I think..."

Your friend doesn't even wait for you to finish before they say, "well, I have to leave early now. Yedam, can you walk [y/n] home? Great, thanks!"

With that, they disappear and you shake your head at your friend's strange behaviour.

Yedam is all smiley while still sitting on the ground.

"Do I get to walk you home now?" he asks you, standing up.

"I wonder what would've happened if you walked me home that day, too..." you mumble, thinking about the day you slept over at Yedam's in the same bed as him.

"What, do you want to sleep over today, too?" he asks you.

You shake your head.

"I don't want things to turn out like that again."

"You mean, you don't want me to kiss you like I did then?" Yedam teases you, sending you a wink.

"You--shut up!" you yell, chasing after him with a pillow.

This boy literally broke my heart, you think to yourself. He is testing his limits...

After you both calm down, Yedam walks you home. It's a little quiet at first, until Yedam speaks.

"Can... I hold your hand?" he asks you.

"This soon?" you say, still grabbing his hand anyway. He looks down at your hand in his and smiles.

"Yeah... you don't know how long I've been wanting to do this for," he admits, swinging your arm up and down as you walk.

You shake your head at him.

"Let's run!" Yedam declares, racing forward with your hand in his. You trail behind him, the sound of laughter escaping your lips and ringing in Yedam's ears. It leaves a bright blush on his face as he thinks to himself about how much he's missed your laughter.

The two of you slow down, panting.

"I'm so tired," Yedam wheezes, laughing at how weird he sounds.

"Do you want me to kiss it better?" you tease him. He raises his eyebrows at the comment. Maybe it's the adrenaline from all the running or the feeling of the night air, but a courage surges through you as you snake your hand around the back of his head and pull him towards you, pressing his warm lips to yours.

You pull away shortly after, feeling breathless again. A blush dusts Yedam's cheeks as he stares at you with wide eyes.

Your own stomach is full of butterflies, but you ignore it and walk forward.

"Are you not coming?" you yell to the boy behind you. He laughs and chases after you.

[a/n]: i just want to say that i do not condone getting back together with a toxic ex so soon... i was just really excited while writing and sped up the plot >.< but don't ever get back with someone who has hurt you unless you are 100% sure! please take care of yourself!!

[dazedbydazai]

예뻤어 - You Were Beautiful

➤ Pairing: Dazai Osamu x Fem!Reader

➤ Genre: Angst

➤ Warning: Character death(s)

➤ WC: 2.0K

(A/N: This was requested by an anon and was inspired by DAY6′s song, You were Beautiful. I suggest listening to that while reading this. It just hits right.)

Dazai Osamu was a very secretive and elusive man. He had multiple tricks up his sleeve, he was manipulative, cunning, and unforgiving. He didn't know what love was, he abandoned that emotion long ago. He was merciless and self-centered, only caring about things that will benefit him. Dazai Osamu was not a good man.

But all of that changed when his closest friend, Odasaku, died.

Promising to turn over a new leaf, Dazai left the Port Mafia in pursuit of something more beautiful, something good, and he had also vowed to not let anyone else enter his life and be attached to them in fear of losing them like he lost his friend.

Dazai vowed. He closed himself off, hiding behind a pretentious and flamboyant character that fools people with his handsome smile and witty banter. Dazai didn't want to repeat the same mistake twice. Dazai had already learned.

He chanted this in his mind over and over again but alas, he was not able to stick to his word. Because just after a few months of leaving his past self behind, he suddenly met you.

A beautiful woman. Funny, kind, and just as intelligent as Dazai, you showed up in front of him like an angel and broke down all the walls he's built.

Dazai didn't understand why, of all people, did you come to him? Why waste your time on someone who's suicidal and clearly not of sound mind? Why bother entertaining his antics and flirtatious behavior when you knew that he only did this to cover up his ugliness within?

Simple. The answer was simple.

It was just in your nature.

You were gentle when you first embraced Dazai. You were understanding when he told you about his past. You were soft spoken when you told him that it's okay. You were kind, so very kind, that Dazai didn't bother to put up his walls around you anymore.

Dazai let himself fall. He wanted to hold you in his arms longer, wanted you to kiss his pain and anguish away, he wanted to love you. And he did.

That promise he made himself was long forgotten as he sighed contently, letting your fingers drag through his hair, gently fixing it up.

"Dazai? Are you falling asleep?" You giggle as you look at him through the mirror of your dresser.

Dazai blinked a few times before grinning at you. "Hmm... if I say yes, would you let me sleep in your bed tonight?"

You lightly smack his forehead and laugh. "If you meant that literally, then go ahead."

You were always so welcoming with Dazai, no, actually with all the people you meet. You treat them equally, always talking to them with a smile on your face. But Dazai likes to think that he's given special treatment from you. You are, after all, the closest person he's ever let in his life next to Odasaku.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Being with you was easy. You calmed Dazai's heart, relaxed his mind, made him feel more human.

"You are the most beautiful person I've ever met," He had told you one day as you ate your lunch together. If it was anybody else, they'd assume that Dazai was just being his usual flirty self. But since it was you, you knew that those words held something deeper as you look in his brown orbs.

Being with Dazai was difficult, to say the least, but you kept up with him, determined to help him in any way you can. And it wasn't long before you found yourself falling for him too.

It was in the gentle way he held your hand, the glint in his eyes whenever he talks to you, the softness and vulnerability of his voice when he lets out his inner thoughts and nightmares.

You were always there, listening through each and every one of his stories. Even when he had called you up at three o'clock in the morning, voice hoarse and shaky as he apologized to you.

"Did you have another nightmare?" You ask softly and when Dazai says yes, you sit up on your bed and walk him through it. You always knew how to calm him down, knew the right words to say, and Dazai was thankful for that.

Dazai truly loved you and you loved him too.

That's why even if he knows he won't be able to hold you in his arms forever, he still takes the chance and asks you to be his.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

It feels like heaven. Dazai thought as he held you in his arms one cold winter night.

It was perfect. How your hand fit in his as he kissed your knuckles gently.

"You are so beautiful, my belladonna."

Those words never failed to make you blush, your heart skipping a beat as Dazai traces the features of your face with his finger.

"Stay with me like this forever, Dazai. I want to keep you close to me for as long as I can," You whisper these words as you close your eyes, feeling sleepy.

"Don't say that like you're going someplace else, my love. I will forever be by your side," Dazai replied as he kissed your forehead and wrapped the blanket closer to your bodies.

But maybe Dazai should have taken your words more seriously that night. Because a few weeks later, he will find himself regretting not holding onto you tighter.

Life was cruel, Dazai knew that from a young age. Things never go according to plan. One moment you're up in the clouds, and the next you're falling head first to the ground.

That's how Dazai felt today as he got a call from the hospital.

Leaving behind his work at the agency and rushing over to you in a panic, Dazai felt his world slowly crumble to pieces as he saw the state you were in.

"What happened?" Dazai asked the doctor as he stood still at the doorway of your room. Dazai's eyes were blank as he listened to the doctor explaining that you suddenly fainted in the middle of the street. That it was probably due to the strain in your heart, a terminal illness that Dazai had no idea you had.

But maybe he already knew. He saw you multiple times trying to take some medicine in secret, as if you were afraid of letting Dazai see. At one time he found a bottle of pills in your cabinet but he didn't dare ask what it was for.

It was silly, how you two were so alike, how you also masked your own pain by that beautiful smile of yours.

When the doctor had finished and left, Dazai approached your bed and sat by your side. Even with your eyes closed and your lips not the usual shade of pink, Dazai still found you beautiful and he simply stared at you, waiting for you to wake up.

When you come to, the first thing you see is the familiar tousle of Dazai’s hair as he laid his head on your hospital bed. You felt your words get caught up in your throat and your hand flinch.

“Belladonna?” Dazai called out groggily, having woken up by your movement.

Immediately, as you lock eyes with him, you felt your tears forming and falling at the corner of your eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Was all you could say as you cried. You felt horrible, both physically and emotionally. All this time you had kept this a secret from him, from someone who has been so honest with you from the start. You apologized over and over again, not knowing what else to say.

Dazai hushed you by wiping your tears away. “What are you sorry for, my belladonna?”

You force the lump down your throat as you look up at the ceiling, suddenly unable to face Dazai head on.

“For everything,” You whisper. “I know I should have told you about this. But I just…”

Dazai waited for you to continue, staying silent as he brushed his thumb across your cheeks.

You shut your eyes and cry harder, your body shaking horribly. “I didn’t want to worry you, didn’t want you to see me like this. I look and feel so helpless.”

You clutch the sheets in your hands and take a shaky breath. “All my life they told me to just stay still, to not venture out in the world. I know I don’t have long to live and I planned to listen to them and close myself off. But that was until I met you.”

You find the courage to finally face Dazai again and your heart sank deeper as you see the blank look in his eyes. “I became selfish. Ever since I met you, I suddenly wanted to live. I wanted to experience everything life had to offer. I wanted to fall in love, and I’m so glad that I found that in you. And I don’t regret leaving my past behind and meeting you. But…”

You reach up and hold Dazai’s cheek and that’s when you saw the familiar pain cross his eyes. “The only regret that I have now is that I put you in this position once again.”

Dazai knew what you meant and he couldn’t help the deep sigh that escapes his lips. Closing his eyes, he leans into your touch and says, “Can’t you stay with me for a little longer, Y/N?”

It was the first time in a long while that he called you by your name and it hurt so bad how sad his tone was when saying it.

“I honestly don’t know Dazai,” You admit you aren’t sure how longer you can stay with him, how longer you can live. And as you helplessly lay on the bed and hold Dazai’s hand in yours tightly, you couldn’t help but pray to all the gods to give you a little bit more time.

Life was indeed cruel and it left a bitter taste in Dazai’s mouth as he stared out the window of your shared apartment. There were a lot of things left unsaid between you two but one thing was for certain, you really didn’t want Dazai to see the pain you were hiding inside.

You only wanted him to see the good things, the beautiful things. Wanted him to enjoy life and continue on his journey. But how was he supposed to do that now? He wanted to be angry, wanted to scream at the universe for kicking him down like this over and over again, but he can’t bring himself to. He couldn’t hate you. No. Not you.

Because you were beautiful.

From the moment he first saw you, he knew how gorgeous you were from inside and out.

You were beautiful.

Every time you said you loved him with that sparkle in your eyes. Every time you called his name in that sweet voice of yours. Every time you kissed and wrapped your arms around him.

You were beautiful.

Even as you saw all the ugliness of life, you still managed to smile.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said you were sorry, with tears staining your cheeks.

You were beautiful.

Even as you said your final good bye when you thought Dazai was sound asleep by your side.

Everything about you was beautiful, and deep down, Dazai was glad he found you. He was thankful that you guided him to the light. He was happy he got to spend a significant time with you.

But no matter how beautiful your time spent with him was, he still couldn’t help but clench his fist in anger. Why did you have to leave me too?

It was a question Dazai always asked but he never found an answer. Again, for the second time in his life, someone so dear slipped away from his hands.

Sometimes he wanted to end it as well, to fall into the hands of death. But he was suddenly afraid to push through it. He was afraid to forget you, to never see you again even as he closes his eyes. He was scared to lose his precious memories of you.

Because all of it was beautiful in his eyes.

And now as he lays in bed, he doesn’t know what hurts and haunts him more; the nightmares of his past life, or the constant dreams he has of you and your beautiful smile.

[ana-benn]

Inspired by this interview:

If Only You Knew

Jamie Benn friends to lovers story featuring: angst, fluff, and a whole lot of miscommunication.

When you'd first accepted a job as the Stars PR assistant you figured you'd stay a few months, boost your resume, and move on. Quickly though you found yourself falling in love with the guys, and the job. It was fun to just be able to interact with them on a human level, and the fact that you knew the sport helped. They trusted you, so when your boss couldn't handle something you were called in. Especially if it was something pitiful. A guy wanted to do dinner and talk about getting his face out there more, or dealing with a girlfriend fall out. It usually fell on you.

The best part about the job was the friends you'd made, and for the first time in your life you had a beat friend. You and Jamie had instantly bonded, both being the ones who preferred sitting off by yourselves during events and parties. Of course the addition of Boston's resident playboy had originally put a damper on things, but they'd found a balance. Each bringing out the best in the other. It was endearing really, and you found yourself enjoying a different side of your best friend.

Gone was the shy behavior replaced by a new confidence and a desire to just be as good as he could. You found this new side of Jamie more and more attractive. At the same time it seemed all of a sudden the guy who'd schedule meetings when Tom, your boss, was busy so you'd have a built in excuse to have a mid-week hang out day was gone and all of a sudden he started dating like crazy. You'd spent so long taking for granted that Jamie was just as much of a workoholic as you, it was a shock to the system when he started bailing on your biweekly movies and junk food sessions. He wasn't able to eat crap that often, and you tried to eat right typically so it was a fun night, and one you both looked forward to.

Now here you stood in his dining room for the first time in months, after a decent but ultimately disappointing season, setting out a spread. Wings, pizza, beer, every kind of chip Jamie had in his pantry, with ice cream in the freezer for later. Your own growing interest in him romantically was under control at the idea of just spending quality time with your best friend.

"Hey!" Jamie greeted walking downstairs. "That smells amazing, but I've got to bail tonight. Jordie is on his way with crappy movies though so you and him can definitely hang out."

"Oh," was all you could think to say, trying to hide the disappointment on your face. "That's okay I'll just head home then."

"Come on, don't be like that. Jordie loves your company," Jamie tried.

"I like his too, but I kinda thought it would be nice to spend time with you," you tried to cover. "Don't worry about it. Another time."

"Come on, just hang out with Jordie. It's not like you have other plans," Jamie said walking to the living room.

You followed him, anger bubbling up, "I'm sorry?"

"Look you're here, right? So you didn't make plans, so hang out with Jordie, so you aren't alone," Jamie shrugged.

"I didn't make plans, because I thought you were making time for me for once." You muttered.

"What was that?" Jamie asked, you could sense his frustration mounting too.

"Jamie," you started, pausing to control your anger. "If you don't want to spend time with me that's fine. But don't pretend okay? I'm a big girl. I can find someone else to spend time with, you don't need to pawn me off on your brother."

"I'm not pawning you off," Jamie tried to placate you. "I just forgot Segs set up a double date, and I promised I'd come."

"Jamie, you don't have to do this," you sighed rubbing your fingers over your face.

"Obviously I do," he retorted.

"Jamie, just be honest!" You said exasperated.

"Honest about what, exactly?"

"You make time for the things you care about," you felt the break in your voice. "Don't pretend to care about me if you can't be damned to show it."

"Can we try irrational for $1000," Jamie snarked.

"I just can't do this anymore!" You yelled, furious. His mocking was the end of your rope.

"Really?" Jamie shouted back, sarcastically, "I thought you were being a bitch for no reason."

"You know what Jamie," you fumed. "Fuck you. I'm leaving." You went to grab your purse off the dining room table, where dinner sat getting cold.

"Fine," came his cold reply. "Lose my fucking number while you're at it."

"Bye Jamie," you said shutting his front door behind you.

You felt yourself fighting tears wondering how it came to this. Two hours ago you were excited, looking forward to a nice relaxing evening. Now it seemed everything was falling apart.

You made it into your car, and halfway to your apartment before the tears fell. You sucked it up long enough to get home, and before you'd even made it to you room your heart shattered. You laid in the hallway for an undeterminable amount of time, before the tears stopped. Your eyes hurt from crying so hard, and it felt like your heart had been removed from your body. You felt like you should call someone, anyone really, but the only voice you wanted to hear was the one who left you this sobbing waif.

It wasn't fair to expect Jamie to act any different really. You were the idiot who caught feelings, not him. He was free to date or spend his time however he wanted to. You just wanted the courtesy of him saying it, instead you lashed out and watched the friendship you'd built crumble.

That caused a new round of sobs as you thought you heard something in your hallway. You wrote it off as you focused on trying to calm your breathing. As you finally started to feel calm you heard a distinctive thump against your door. You slowly got up, wiping your face as best you could, thinking that there was a chance your elderly, Mr. Barnes, had fallen. You looked out your peephole and saw nothing. So you opened the door and before you could react you had a very drunk 6'2, 207 pound hockey player at your feet.

"It's you!" He exclaimed.

"Jamie?" You questioned. He nodded excitedly, "What are you doing here."

"I was drunk," he explained.

"I know that," you replied. "Why are you at my apartment instead of your house?"

"You've been crying," he announced finally getting up. You closed the door as he wandered to your couch, throwing himself on it. You hated how at home he looked here.

"Jamie, it's late I don't want to fight anymore. I'm going to get you a blanket," you said walking to your linen closet.

When you returned he looked at you with sad eyes, "I never want to fight with you."

"Jamie, I'm sorry about what I said okay. My feelings were hurt," you tried to soothe. He wasn't in a place to have a real conversation, but you knew he wouldn't sleep without something.

"You hurt mine first," he mumbled. His voice sounding much more sober suddenly.

"What?"

"You went out with Ben what's-his-face. I wanted to punch his face, but noooo. Tyler said I had to just let you realize we were perfect together, but you never did," he sounded so sad and broken.

"Jamie," you sighed out. But before you could say anything he was asleep.

You eventually made your own way to bed, determined to talk to Jamie tomorrow.

------------------------

The next morning you greeted Jamie with a bottle of water and Tylenol, "Here." You felt suddenly very shy with him, not knowing how today would go.

"Thanks," he mumbled downing all of it in one go. "How'd I get here?"

"I was hoping you knew."

"All I know is we fought, I went to my stupid dinner and I think I drank the place," he said rubbing his head. "Oh God, what did I say to you?" He suddenly jerked his head up.

"A lot actually. Apparently I hurt your feelings?" You said, not wanting to have this conversation, and also desperately wanting to have it.

"Look, I had feelings for you, but your my best friend. I shouldn't lash out like that, I'm sorry," Jamie apologized.

"What if I have feelings for you?" You asked, shyly meeting his brown eyes.

"Then, we have a new conversation to have," he said gulping slightly.

"I don't think so," you said, sliding your leg over his seating yourself on his leg. His hands immediately wrapping around your waist. "I think it's best if we just start right here." You kissed him softly.

"Now," you said, getting off him and taking his hand. "Neither of us got any sleep, so come with me." You pulled him back to your bed room onto your bed. As you both got situated his arms wrapped around you and your head rested on his shoulder. "We can't figure everything else out after we sleep," you whispered as you felt his lips against your head.

@captainbenn sorry it took so long. I already started a part two!

[rogue-barnes-16]

WHEN YOU COME BACK (part II/II)

Summary: After months of being friends with benefits, the dangerous agreement backfires and Bucky’s feelings for Y/n are exposed. Instead of talking it out, they make the situation worse, and it might get more difficult after a dangerous mission.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Genre: angst w/ a pleasant ending

Tags:

Permanent taglist: @notexactlythatgirl @thisismysecrethappyplace @sofreakinmanyfandoms @pizzarollpatrol @bubblycypress87 @1a-girl-has-no-name1 @loislp @lovenaturefirst @dyanna-corona @2ptonpt @goodnightmode @disneyprincessbuffyannesummers @mannls @cutie1365 @catch22inareddress @mybooradley @sebastianisasnack @butifulsoul125 @unlikelygalaxygiver

Warnings: language, injuries

A/N: here it is my dudes. It was, for some reason I can't understand, heavily inspired by When the party's over by Billie Eilish, Haunted by Melanie Martinez, and What about us by P!nk. Just a little curiosity for y'all, hope you enjoy <3.

Part I

Rogue-barnes-16 masterlist

That night that we accidentally found each other in a shitty bar on our way out of Stark's house after Tony and Natasha's funeral, we shouldn't have lost control.

We wouldn't be in this situation, maybe I would haven't fallen that hard for him, and maybe he wouldn't think he loves me now.

We probably would be friends, close friends, or at least regular people who don't have to hide that they're sleeping with each other.

"Hey there, stranger." his voice was broken. He stumbled to the booth I was occupying, and I realized he was somehow as drunk as me. "rough week?"

"rough five years." I corrected him, sniffing. "It doesn't seem to get better." I felt the lump in my throat mixed with my hoarse voice as I chucked another shot of tequila. When I looked up at him, I noticed how red her eyes were. "what's wrong?"

"A lot." he replied, easing his position to rest against the backrest of the booth. "Never got to tell Natalia I remember." he shrugged. "Also wanted to... Apologize to Stark. Didn't get the chance to." he shut his eyes.

"Somethin' else." I stated more than questioned. "it's somethin' else."

He hesitated before looking at me with glassy eyes "can I tell you a secret?" I nodded lazily, muttering an 'always'. "Steve's leaving."

"What?" I frowned, sitting upright. "Where?"

He shook his head no with a sad smile in his face, a sad smile that held little happiness and too much sorrow. "When, not where."

"Director Carter..." I spoke in low voice, and Bucky nodded at me. I looked down, not knowing what to say. "at least he's got his happy ending."

"Yeah." tears streamed down his face as he drank from what I recognized as Thor's flask. "I'm happy for him." I tilted my head in disbelief and he denied slowly. "I really am."

"It's just the two of us now, Bucky." I whispered leaning against the wall to face him. "you should be selfish once in a while" I advised, scooting closer to him. "say what you think, no matter who gets hurt." our thighs were brushing as I leaned on him a little too close to whisper something in his ear. "you don't owe anything to this fucked up world."

His head spun and our eyes met. "I don't." he affirmed, letting his hand drop to my thigh as mines traveled to his hair. "you don't either." he bit his lip and I sighed. "You don't have to be strong all the time."

"what...?" I questioned quietly, too focused on his lips to even process what he was saying.

"Allow yourself to cry for 'em doll." his mutter made me let out a strained, shaky breath, remembering why I had hidden in a bar in order to numb my pain, remembering why I hadn't stayed with the rest in Pepper's house. "It's just the two of us now, Y/n..."

I looked up at him through glassy, blurred eyes just to see his in the same state. His eyes flickered to my lips, just like mines had been staring St him that whole time, and something took over the both of us.

It was probably the sadness, at least partially, and the thinking that losing more wasn't possible anymore, what made us close the gap in a sloppy, needy kiss, which would be the first of many, that night and the followings.

I had desperately wanted to apologize to Bucky for two days, in hopes of getting our friendship back.

I figured he didn't inform me he was back because he didn't want to see me, and that mere thought made my heart shrink until it physically hurt.

I was getting dressed when my phone buzzed. "Sam?" I called him, utterly confused. Sam rarely phoned me, he would just show up at my door. "what's wrong?"

"The mission went wrong. So fucking wrong." I couldn't ask about Bucky before he resumed his narration. "Listen to me carefully, 'cause he made me promise I wouldn't tell you shit."

"what- why?" I inquired, sitting down in my couch.

"Those fuckers were shooting me, there was no way I could dodge all of 'em, and that dumbass jumped in fucking front of me." his voice was strained due to the anger and the worry, and I felt my heart pounding against my chest. "he received two bullets. He's in the Avengers' private hospital. Pepper got us in."

"he what..." I was already grabbing my things to rush there, but he spoke again.

"you can't come, he'll kill me if he sees you here." Sam pointed out.

"why the fuck are you telling me then, Wilson?" it was desperate, and it was shaky, but I managed to get that question put of me without breaking.

"What the hell? 'Cause you're good for him, and I don't want you to think he dumped whatever you guys have." I stood there, my mouth in agape at his words. "Sharon's telling me she'll take care of the paperwork so we can go home in a couple of days."

"okay..."

"Go see him at his apartment on... Monday." he advised me. "at 9 pm, he won't have an excuse to avoid you."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Despite the fact that he knew I would definitely not forget about the day and the time he had told me, on Sunday Sam called to remind me it, and also to inform me that he had just left Bucky’s apartment. He was now there resting, and would be until tomorrow morning.

On Monday, at 9 pm I was carefully knocking on Bucky’s door, and he answered in no time.

"Sam, you better bring Chinese food you promised or-" he stood there, resting all his weight against the door and the door frame, taking in the fact that I was there. "Fuck..."

I had planned a whole speech, apologizing for what I had said in a thousand different ways, telling him how much I didn't want to lose him, and maybe, just maybe, confessing my feelings about him.

But everything was gone the moment I saw his bruises, his bandaged body under the tee, peeking out of the collar, the way he barely could stand upright.

Everything was gone. "what the fuck..."

"he told you, didn't he?" I couldn't even look at him in the eye, but I just knew he didn't either, just by how hurt and tired his voice sounded. "that's why you're here."

"I—"

"I'm fine Y/n..." he assured me, bitterness fading from his voice the second he started to sympathize with how I must be feeling, the second he imagined the situation reverted. The way guilt and fear most likely would have been killing him slowly. "I just need a few days to heal... You don't need to—"

He gasped when I my arms embraced him almost desperately as I tried to convince myself that I wouldn't lose him. "I swear on my fuckin' life, Barnes—" I choked on my words and he wrapped his arms around me not without closing the door to rest his back against it. "don't do this to me alright?" he took a deep breath with his nose buried on my crown as his thumbs caressed both my back and my shoulder. "don't-- I can't lose you... Not you-- please not you."

I didn't realize I was sobbing until I didn't feel my tears on his shirt. "You won't" ha assured me, trying to keep his voice uniform for me not to notice that he was crying too. "I'll heal soon, don't worry." his breath was sharp as he squeezed my body against him, despite the pain that he most probably was feeling. "I got you."

I pulled away when my hands accidentally sneak under his shirt and felt the bandages. "you gotta lay down."

"yeah, you're probably right."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"If you're here to apologize 'cause you feel guilty or bad... Don't." he requested, looking up at me from my lap. "you really don't need to." his voice slowly started to drop when I ran my hands through his hair. "It was my fault... I shouldn't have... Said..."

"I love you."

"yeah."

"No, Bucky." I stopped my motions and looked at him dead in the eye. "I love you. I have done for a long time." he was quiet. "When you said... I really didn't wanna believe it... I don't know I just—" I sighed, shutting my eyes and leaning against the backrest. "I don't-- I don't wanna lose more people that I love and if I didn't say it out loud, I felt-" I took a deep breath, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. "I felt like I wouldn't lose--"

I didn't even feel when he had propped himself up to reach me, I only felt his velvety soft lips against mine in the most loving, sweet kiss I had ever had.

"I get it, but we... We gotta be brave." he stated, laying down again with a wince, gazing into my now open eyes. "we don't have regular lives... And I didn't wanna say it out loud either but... I- I needed you to know." I nodded, letting my fingers ran through his short hair once more. "I don't wanna lose you, but let's be honest, that possibility exist, and..." his voice started to drop again, slowly being lulled by my touch. "I'd rather having you know how much... How much you mean to me... Than regretting not... Tellin' ya all my life..."

"You're right." I replied, leaning over to peek his lips, and then his forehead. "I'm sorry for the way I reacted... I really, really am." my thumb rubbed lazily his forehead as my eyes observed him with the love I finally was able to disclose.

"Y/n." I hummed. "lay down with me, please." he requested, lifting for my to move my legs. "I wanna hug you again." I complied without hesitation, being careful not to hurt him. "I love you." He whispered in my ear, pulling me up to rest half of my body over him.

"I love you too."

[rap-monster-plaza]

Neglected - Min Yoongi

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Words: 1.3k

Rating: Angst with a little fluff

A/N: I hope you like it!!!! @sinfulbangtann Thanknyou so much for your request! It really inspired me to get writing!

2 months.

It had been two whole months.

The first two weeks were okay. He had been away on a business trip and you understood that his work would always be first place when he was away. It had been more than two weeks; you felt it was necessary to say something. If it hadn’t been two months, you wouldn’t have had a problem with his absences.

The first text was sent that morning.

”Hey... It's been some time since I've seen you.”

You didn't feel it was nagging or you trying to get a raise from him. The argument that followed and you weren't expecting it. This one hit you harder than the others you had in the past.

A knock on the door.

Another knock at the door, harder than the one that preceded.

You opened the door to your boyfriend, looking disheveled, angered and ready to fight. He didn't say much, but you could read his face. His eyes spoke a million words his mouth would not.

”Two months?” The first thing he spoke. His voice wasn't one that was loud, even when it came to arguments. He could get loud, but most of the time his words were conveyed in such a way where the argument didn't need for him to raise his voice to get his point across.

Remind you, you and Yoongi hadn't been together for a few months. It had almost been four years. This wasn't the first time you two had been in an argument about being able to see one another. It wasn't also on his side where he was shutting you out. You've done it to him a couple of times in the past. Not to this extent though. This was a whole new level for the both of you.

”Yes, it has been two months.” Your response was slow, then there it was. Yoongi’s eyes were shut, the thin line his lips had turned to when he was getting frustrated with something. His silence sometimes was worse than the words he chose to speak during these times.

”It hasn't been two months.” He was determined to be right this time. ”You know my work is important. I'm not having this argument with you.”

”I wasn't trying to argue with you. I have not seen you in two months. Believe it or not.” You spoke softly in return.

His eyes shot open, the anger was now higher than before. ”It hasn't been two months. If so, you know my career was first when you agreed to be with me. You can't be mad at anyone. You knew this was going to happen. You knew it. So, don't get mad at me because I'm trying to think about not only my future but other artists futures.”

You took in a deep breath, this was your way to try and remain calm. ”No, I haven't seen you since July. It has been two months. I don't fare if you think different. I know what I signed up for. I haven't even gotten more than a few word texts here and there. One night, those artists won't suffer. You know you need a life outside of your job. Your studio wouldn't miss you for one night. I'm not asking for you to give up your career. I am asking for a little bit of your time. Here you are, ready to go to war with me? For what? For you not wanting to spend time with me. I didn't ask for you to break away from your studio and work. I had only made a simple statement. You know, so we could plan something. Not to argue, but if that's what you want. You better be more than prepared to argue.” You were pretty clear on the argument and quick to jump to your defenses.

He stared at you if had more than one head. ”It hasn't been that long. I don't know what you were expecting my reaction to be. Accusations. Fight. With one comes the other. So, I don't know what you were expecting. You say you didn't want an argument, but you have one now. I don't see where it's my fault. You know where I work. You know where I live. I've had days off and you could have come to see me on those days.”

”No. You wouldn't like for me to show up randomly to either of those places. So, don't even go there. If you had days off, that is news to me. The last time I saw you was on July 22nd.” Your voice had slightly risen causing his eyes to darken. This is how you knew he was visibly upset.

Yoongi reached into his pants pocket. ”This will be my proof. We take at least one pic together when we're together. I work hard and I take time for myself. I talk to you when I can. I'm not sure as to why you want to make me out to be a bad boyfriend. I'm not that guy.” He was speaking softly, but you could hear the agitation seeping through each word.

You stared at him, it was all you could do. You weren't going to let him mentally abuse you with his words. Not that he was trying to don't on purpose and you weren't trying to make an excuse for him.

-A couple of days later-

You were cleaning up the last part of the kitchen after a baking fiasco that went wrong. You weren't surprised about this. When Yoongi was all you can think about. About the other night when he left. He left without saying another word. He walked out and at that point, it was probably the best decision he made.

There was a light knock at the door and you figured it may have been Yoongi.

When you opened the door, expecting your boyfriend with a plain face bearing no emotion at all. Instead, your view was blocked by a bouquet of your favorite flower and a few balloons.

You didn't say a word, but let him into the apartment nonetheless. You wanted to scream, you wanted to shout, but you remained calm to hear what he had to say.

Yoongi sat on the couch, placing the bouquet on its side on the table in front of your couch along with the balloons. Clearing his throat, Yoongi opened his mouth to speak, but no words were coming out.

”Sorry can't begin to explain how I feel.” He started slowly. ”I have been neglecting you, and I jumped the gun lashing out at you.”

You cut him off. ”you're not going to come here. Give me half-behind apology. You walked out during an argument. I don't want to argue anymore. I wasn't trying to start an argument. I wanted to be able to spend time with my boyfriend. Whom I haven't seen in two months because of our busy schedules. Wanting to us to be able to figure out a way we can spend at least some time with one another. You have to show me that you're willing to spend time and not argue. I know you're sorry because so am I.” You explained your side of things, the way you viewed them.

Nodding his head, he took ahold of your hand. Something he even did with his members when they were about to argue. His way of showing you that he was there for you with strength and reassurance.

”I'm here. I'll always be here. Let me prove it to you.” His words soft as he slipped his free hand to the side of your head. His thumb resting against your cheek as he pulled you into a soft, longing, tender kiss.

[floralseokjin]

— bones | 03 (m)

pairing— jung hoseok x reader // min yoongi x reader, college! hoseok, college! yoongi genre/warnings— angst, smut, friends with benefits words— 9,356

:: summary— you were broken from a past relationship, and Hoseok wanted to fix you, but what price was he willing to pay? Would he end up worse off, or would you realise in time, that your best friend was the one…?

note— inspired by this song here.

» 01 :: 02 :: 03 :: 04 :: 05  ✓

Falling in love with Yoongi came easily. There was no real moment where you thought “oh, I’m in love!” More just a series of moments where you found yourself falling deeper and deeper for him; waking up thinking of him, counting down the minutes until you saw him again, going to sleep still thinking of him… the list was endless, and you slowly began to lose yourself, only seeing the track that lead to him.

After that night in his car, things had gone from strength to strength, and over the next couple of weeks your hook ups turned to dating—if you could call it that. Yoongi was never one to put labels on things and he had you guessing most days, but one thing was for sure, you knew he liked you too. Why else would he want to spend every day with you? You were either over his or he over yours—much to Hoseok’s dismay.

You got that he was being over protective over you, seeing as he was your best friend—a male one at that, and he knew how other men worked, but he needn’t worry anyway because you could handle yourself. Even if Yoongi and you hadn’t put a label on your relationship yet, there was no need to throw a hissy fit about it—you were happy with the way things were. However, for some reason Hoseok wouldn’t let it lie, and you didn’t even understand his looks of displeasure whenever he looked at you and Yoongi anymore. None of it made sense—you were a big girl—an adult and you could handle yourself.

His look wasn’t displeased one night, though, when he came back from hanging out with his friends, letting himself in with his key as he jumped a little in fright when he saw you lounging in the sofa, a family size bag of chips in your lap as you ate two at a time. He wasn’t expecting you to be up this late—it was gone one in the morning already.

“Have fun?” You asked, watching him shake of his jacket and put his keys in the bowl on the stand, kicking his shoes off clumsily and when he looked up, you saw the look in his eyes—uncertainty in them this time.

“Yeah…it was good,” he shrugged, walking towards you and you moved your legs in the air so he could sit next to you and then you placed them off over his lap, offering him the bag of chips to which he declined, shaking his head.

“Yoongi was there tonight,” he slipped in, trying to sound nonchalant, his eyes not even on your face.

You paused. You already knew that. That’s why you were here on the sofa—comfort eating. Yoongi rarely invited you out with him and his friends unless you had made plans with yours and met up, but that still didn’t stop you from feeling upset. It was stupid really, but you guess that’s what came with feelings.

“Yeah, I know,” you shrugged, trying to sound casual, because that’s what you were…casual. You guys were in a casual relationship, having casual sex, being casual. It was all good.

“It was just a group of guys, Kyunho…and I think his name is Jin?” You nodded, agreeing with him, the usual then. “…and some girls, like his friends obviously…”

Hoseok was trying to sound casual, but the way he questioned obviously just made it seem like he was trying to slip something in when he didn’t know if he needed to warn you or not. He didn’t need to, he was wasting his time.

“If one of those girl’s name is Rebeca then they are his friends, yes.” You replied tartly.

Truth was, the thought of Yoongi out made you feel a little sick. Not because of this Rebeca, but because of some other girl—another one of his friends, Kara. She was, and what can only be described as, his past fuck buddy—until you turned up. He had told you quite openly before you met his group of friends, and the thought made you feel uncomfortable. It was awkward to know he still hung around with her, even after he had replaced her with you, and even though he swore that he didn’t see her like that—that she was just some fun to help him get over his past relationship—him being around her 24/7 didn’t board well with you. Not that you could be bothered anyway, because well—you guys weren’t official, but whatever—he didn’t invite you out and you knew he was with her. It hurt.

You would never tell Hoseok that though, it would be recipe for disaster. You weren’t even sure why he was always so judgmental in the first place. Maybe he knew you were falling for Yoongi as each day passed. He could probably sense it. The way you acted around him, spoke about him—defended him. It was plain to see. You wanted something serious with Yoongi. You wanted a relationship. It had been near two months since you guys had first met and it was near impossible not to start falling with every look and touch he gave you. Again, you would never tell Hoseok this, but it looked like best friends could read minds when they wanted to, anyway.

“So… I’m confused,” he feigned slowly, and you knew he was faking it because like you said—best friends could read minds. “What are you guys again?”

He still wasn’t looking at you and you sighed, putting your bag of chips down. You didn’t want to have this talk again. “Hobi…”

“What? It’s a valid question,” he defended, finally looking you in the eyes, and instantly, like a coward, you looked away. If he was going to stand his ground, you were going to close up. It always happened when you tried to act as if something didn’t bother you.

“C’mon, Y/N,” he urged, not letting up. “You’ve known him for two months and nothing has progressed.”

“That’s not true,” you mumbled, knowing it was.

He gave you a pointed look, one that said he didn’t believe you, and carried on when you had nothing more to say. “Is he ever going to ask you to be his girlfriend? I don’t know—make it official?”

Classic Hoseok. Always thinking in black and white. Life wasn’t that simple, but to him it was. He’d only had one relationship since you’d known him and within a month they were already in a ‘official’. He meant every word he said. He liked to do things the proper way, but maybe he needed to understand that not everyone was like that. Yoongi wasn't…and you weren’t—or so you kept telling yourself.

“You don’t get it,” you sighed, still not looking him in the eyes as you fidgeted. “It’s not like that. It’s fine the way things are.”

He was back at it with the judging looks as you stupidly looked up to see what was taking him so long to reply and suddenly an outpour fell from his mouth.

“It’s fine just hanging out with him when he wants to? It’s fine just fucking him but nothing more—

“Hoseok!” You interrupted in outrage, not quite believing your ears, but he carried on anyway.

“It’s fine whilst you’re here miserable and he’s out having fun with his friends, because for some reason he doesn’t mix sex with friendship.”

You were silent then, because in your case it was true, but not for someone like Kara. She got to be his friend and had fucked him more times than you cared to imagine, but Hoseok didn’t know that and there was no way you were telling him. He didn’t need any more fuel to ignite the fire. Instead you shook him off.

“You should really stop pushing your views and principles on other people, do you know that?” You got out, finding yourself getting over defensive. “Not everyone thinks like you, Hoseok. Have you ever stopped to think maybe I like the way things are? Maybe I like just fucking him?”

Maybe you were over sharing, but you didn’t care. If you could make Hoseok believe you liked the way things were, maybe you could too, and you threw your legs off him, shifting to get up, and he grimaced at your vulgarity before he stuttered, watching you leave. “W-Where are you going? Oh come on, don’t be like this.”

“I’m going to sleep—It’s late and I have work tomorrow morning,” you replied curtly. “That’s why I didn’t go out tonight.”

Yeah, right…

You did have work, but if truth be told you would have jumped at the chance to go out with Yoongi, but like hell were you going to admit to that. Instead, you just threw yourself on your bed and tried to convince yourself that you were happy with the way things were. You didn’t need to be Yoongi’s girlfriend to be happy, but that was easier thought than done…

Three days later it was still playing on your mind, and it became even worse when you finally saw Yoongi again. He’d invited you over his while he tried to finished a project that was due the next day, and of course you jumped at the chance. It had been nearly a week since you’d last seen him and you had missed him—obviously. You thought that seeing him in person would ease your mind about the up in the air status of your true relationship, but it made you even more confused and for the first time since you’d met and began this thing, you began to think of the detrimental feelings and situations it could bring. You liked Yoongi—a lot, and you hoped he liked you just as much. You could either ask him, or push all the worry deep down inside of you, but one thing was for sure, you needed to do something.

“What’s up with you tonight?” Yoongi asked, and just like that he give you a way in, unbeknownst to him.

“Hmm—nothing,” you murmured, unsure of how to start the conversation and you prayed he wouldn’t shrug it off.

You shifted in his lap, your legs straddling his hips, where you had been most of the night as he sat at his computer and he leaned back to take a good look at you, the chair creaking with his weight.

“No—come on. It’s something,” he persisted, taking his hand off the mouse, his full attention on you. “What’s wrong? I did let you come visit me tonight even though I was busy…” he teased and you rolled your eyes. You knew he was just trying to lighten the mood, but it wasn’t working. He made it seem like it was always him calling the shots—and you guessed it was. That’s what made you angry.

“Oh, wow.” You shot sarcastically. “Thank you for gracing me with your presence for a couple of hours, all mighty one.”

“No need to be like that…though you’re right, I am the almighty one,” he joked again and when you didn’t react he sighed and gripped your hips, shaking you a little.

“C’mon—tell me.”

It was now or never, and you groaned a little, wanting to cover your face while you spoke, but settled for just not looking him the eye.

“It’s nothing…Hoseok just said something the other night…”

“Well, well, well—that’s a surprise. The guy gives me evils every time I see him.” Yoongi instantly replied, his posture changing as he let go of your hips and straightened his back. “What did he say then? That he saw me Friday night?”

Well, yes, but also no, you thought. That was one of the things, but you knew that was just a ploy to ask the question he’d been dying to all this time.

“He asked what…we are…” you trailed off, not being able to think of a way to explain it clearer, and not even wanting to at that.

Yoongi looked confused for a moment, squinting as he furrowed his forehead, wondering what the hell you meant and then it came to him, his face softening in realisation, before it turned hard again.

“What does it have to do with him?”

You began to feel defensive. Call you a hypocrite, seeing as you’d basically told Hoseok the same thing countless times, but you knew that if the same was happening to him, you’d be worried and maybe slightly annoyed too. It probably had everything to do with him.

“He’s my best friend. He’s worried, that’s all.”

“Worried about what? I don’t get it—what does he think I am?” He pressed, defensive up, his stance still stiff.

“He doesn’t think you’re anything,” you dismissed, suddenly feeling awkward. This wasn’t how you wanted the conversation to go. He wasn’t supposed to act like this. “It doesn’t matter, honest…”

“Well, it obviously does matter to you,” he observed. “You’re upset about it.” His demeanour changed then, his voice lowering as he placed his hand back on hip, rubbing circles into the skin through the fabric.

“I’m not,” you shrugged. “It’s just…” you paused, unsure of what to say next, choosing your words carefully as you realised this was make or break. “I wanna know what we are.”

Yoongi was silent for a moment, his expression still, hard for you to read, which only made you begin to panic, all for getting up and taking off right then and there, but then he gripped your hip harder, slouching back down again.

“Be my girlfriend then.”

“What?” You gawped, your heart beginning to pound in your chest, elation filling you. This wasn’t what you had expected.

“We’ve been together for a while,” he shrugged. “I don’t know, it just gets harder to make it official when I already thought we were. I already know I only want you—so be my girlfriend.”

“I-I…” you trailed off, taken off guard by his casualness, words failing you.

“What?” He asked, tilting his head, a small smirk appearing on his face. “You don’t want me to be your boyfriend?”

“No!” You spluttered. “Of course I do! It’s just…I wasn’t expecting this—I wasn’t expecting you to ask me—

“I should have asked you sooner—I’m sorry,” he interrupted, his hand gliding back and forth over your back now as his other reached for your face, cupping your cheek. “You know how it is…. I didn’t expect to fall for someone else so soon.”

You averted eye contact for a moment, unsure of what to say. He’d already told you the story of his ex, but after wanting to stay single and mess around for a bit, he met you, and you guessed that changed things. You felt a nervousness creep up chest, but as you brought your gaze back to him and met his warm eyes, you realised that he wouldn’t ask you this if he didn’t mean it—if he wasn’t being genuine, and you shot him a radiant smile, happiness washing through your body as he grinned back.

You still remembered the feeling now, all those months later, long after your break up, and if you shut your eyes really tight you could put yourself back into that moment, where he has proceeded to kiss you passionately, his breath at your ear as he whispered and called you his girlfriend.

You hadn’t been anybody’s girlfriend in so long, but not even the five-month relationship in high school or the two month one at the beginning of college could ever come close to this feeling. It just felt right. You and Yoongi. In a proper relationship. Like how you’d imagined all this time. Even when he kissed you harder and proceeded to gloat about how you could rub this in Hoseok’s face, you just nodded and giggled breathlessly, playing along, because a large part of you did want to rub it in his face.

He was wrong. Everything he thought he knew about Yoongi was wrong. Yoongi wanted you as much as you wanted him, and for a while Hoseok didn’t have anything else to say in retaliation. The thing he’d been complaining about the most; a past memory, but then something turned up—it always did, however this time, in hindsight, you wished you had listened to him, because after that, you fell even harder and that was your ultimate downfall… It was too late to get out hurt free. You had fallen in love.

“Did you go out last night?” Hoseok asked, watching you make some lunch in the kitchen.

“No, why?” You asked him, your voice chirpy with the prospect of food, but as you looked up at him your stomach dropped.

His eyes were hesitant as he tried to keep eye contact, his face warped into a grimace. “Oh,” was all he replied, and you frowned. What was wrong now? Your tried to think of situations where he would act this strange, maybe something happens to Irene, maybe something happened to him? However, your mind just kept coming back to one person… Yoongi.

“Hoseok,” you said sharply, needing him to tell you. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing…probably,” he tried to shrug off. “I just saw Kyunho was tagged in some pictures on Facebook and when I looked Yoongi was there too…”

“And…?” You nudged, feeling better that it just seemed to be another one of his over-exaggerations.

“There were pictures… they must have been really drunk… I don’t know—they’re all friends, right?” He explained, and you felt your chest sink.

What was he on about now? You carried on buttering your bread, trying to keep a calm composure as you shrugged him off. “I’ll look after I’ve made lunch—

“But—

“Hoseok, I said I’ll look after lunch.” You repeated through gritted teeth.

You weren’t looking at him, but you heard him leave, an exasperated sigh fall from his lips and when you were alone, you let out the breath you’d been holding for quite some time, concentrating on making the damn sandwich you didn’t even want anymore. It couldn’t be that bad. If Hoseok had seen something terrible, he would’ve told you straight away. He wouldn’t have beaten around the bush if it was serious. He probably thought he was over-exaggerating himself, and as you made your way to your room, placing your sandwich on your desk in favour of your phone, you tried to tell yourself that it was nothing—you were going to laugh about this soon enough.

Only, laugh you never did. You were faced with numerous pictures of Yoongi doing body shots off none other than Kara. The stab to your heart was both painful and mocking. Did you really have a right to be upset over this? Your rationality was screaming both yes and no. On one hand, it was just body shots, although the more your eyes scanned the picture you couldn’t help but feel sick at the way his lips touched her skin and the way he smirked against it. However, on the other hand, you had every right to be upset. He was being promiscuous with another girl—another girl who he had slept with multiple times. They’d probably been in that situation, minus the shots, multiple times and the thought made you feel sick.

He shouldn’t be allowed to treat you like this. Hell, you hadn’t even known he was going out. You may have only been his girlfriend and not his keeper, but you still deserved to know at least his plans sometimes, especially if they involved slurping up shots off some other girl’s body. Did he have no regard for your feelings? Did he not care that other people could see these pictures—his friends, your friends? Did he not care at all? There had never been a time where you hadn’t felt more dejected and you couldn’t stop your body from getting up. Out of room, grabbing your keys and dashing for your car, one destination on your mind…

Your loud banging on his door must have woken him up, despite it being almost 2pm because when he answered his face was scrunched up and puffy, his hair wiry and his hand over his facing, shielding himself from the daylight outside.

“Why so loud?” He asked weakly, still half asleep it seemed as it took him a few moments to realise what was going on—and that you were here, as you brushed past him angrily, entering his apartment.

“Has something happened?” He asked, sounding more awake now, closing his door and turning to face you, but you ignored him in favour of letting your eyes dart to his bed, the smallest bit of relief washing over as you saw it was empty. You didn’t know what you were expecting. Did you really think Yoongi would cheat on you? Did you think that low of him?

“Yeah,” you shot passively, unlocking your phone that you had been clutching in your hand all this time and pushing it in his face.

He looked confused for a moment, his eyes squinting to focus on the small screen and when he realised what the pictures were, his eyes widened a little before he swallowed.

“I can’t even remember last night,” he mumbled, shrugging it off and another stab to your heart hit your chest as you watched him move past you to sit down on the edge of his bed to cradle his head, no doubt nursing a killer headache. “It was a pretty crazy night by the seems of things,” he half chuckled.

“Crazy night?” You repeated in disbelief, not even understanding how he could laugh in a moment like this. Did he really not care what he had done? Was this normal behaviour for him?

“Yeah,” he agreed, still chuckling and you clenched your jaw, trying to stop the next the question that was about to fall out of your mouth, insinuation high on your tongue.

“What else happened, if you can’t remember last night?”

He slowly looked up from his hands, disgust spread over it as he realised what you meant, and for a split second you started to regret it, but then you realised you had every right to feel like this.

“Of course nothing else happened,” he sneered. “Is this what you’re here for? You really don’t trust me at all?”

“What do you expect me to think when you say you can’t remember?” You shot, defensive well and truly up now as he raised his voice. You guys had never really argued like this before, both passive people who liked to avoid confrontation at all costs, but today it seemed you were both itching for a fight.

“I would never do that to you!” He insisted, sounding hurt. “I can’t believe you would even think—

“Well, what do you expect me to think?! Cheating is a no-no, but oh—doing body shots of someone is perfectly fine!” You interrupted, your voice raised now.

He rolled his eyes then, running his fingers through his hair, “it’s just a stupid game, Y/N.”

“Just a stupid game that you do with some girl you’ve fucked countless times.”

The words were out before you could stop them and you inwardly cursed yourself. You had never outwardly showed your distaste for Kara and maybe that’s what you had done wrong. Maybe if you’d told him right off the bat he wouldn’t have done this if he’d known you were uncomfortable…or not…

“Don’t be jealous,” he dismissed. “Kara’s just a friend.”

“No—no—don’t use that shitty excuse, Yoongi,” you rushed. “She’s a friend you’ve had sex with. That changes things. Hoseok is my friend—the actual dictionary definition.”

“And how do I know that?” He shot suddenly.

“What?” You asked, shocked. What did he even mean?

“How do I know that? You seem very close with each other.” He explained further, dropping his hands to the bed and looking at you intently. “How do I know something never happened between the two of you.”

You were lost for words, “don’t try to change the subject to make yourself feel better,” you replied, shaking your head as you stood awkwardly between his bed and the kitchen. Why was he turning this on you?

“I mean, it explains why he’s always shooting me evils and meddling in our relationship,” he reasoned with himself. “—I bet it was him who told you about those pictures, huh? I’m right, aren’t I?” He pushed, not giving you enough time to answer.

“No—it wasn’t him,” you dismissed, outright lying because you didn’t want to give him more fuel to add to the fire. “They’re on Facebook for the world to see, Yoongi.”

“I don’t believe you.” He said angrily. “He’s used every chance he’s gotten to come between us and I’m supposed to sit back and let it happen?”

“He hasn't—

“You think you need to worry about me and Kara? I see her like once every week—you see him every day!” He interrupted, and you gawped a little. What was he doing? Why was he making your innocent friendship with Hoseok into something seedy? “You live with him for crying out loud! How do I know what you’re up to when you’re alone?”

“You’re sick, Yoongi.” You spat, feeing disgusted. Hoseok was your friend. You would never do something like that with him, and especially when you were with Yoongi, “and crazy to think that I’d ever cheat on you.”

“Same goes for you!” He exclaimed. “Why would I ever do that to you?!”

Despite him seeming very genuine, you were still beyond angry that he could accuse you of such stupid things, and you sneered. “I don’t know, you seem to like mixing friendship with sex a lot. You know once you have that connection with somebody, it never goes away.”

Yoongi was silent for a moment, taking in what you just said before he replied sarcastically, “Oh, well I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you, Y/N,” and before you could get a word in edgeways he continued. “Maybe you’ve just lived a very boring life.”

There was acid on his tongue and you stared at him hurt, before scoffing and turning around to leave. You didn’t need to hear this. If you were such different people, then why were you even bothering to stay together? It was obvious you were different, anybody could see it, and you were too tired to keep on trying to ignore it.

“Wait—I’m sorry—I didn’t mean that.” He called, regret in his voice as you made it to his front door, but before you could grab the handle, he was by your side, hand on your shoulder to turn you around. “Come on—don’t go.”

“I want to be alone right now,” you muttered, avoiding his eyes as you dipped your head, biting back the stupid tears that threatened to spill.

“No, come on. I’m sorry, okay?” He urged, gripping both of your shoulders now, before one hand came out to cup cheek, prompting you to look at him. “I didn’t mean it, I just let my own jealously get the better of me.”

“Yoongi…” you didn’t even know what you wanted to say, you were too weak for fight anymore and you were scared it was already over before it had even began.

“You know I care about you, right?” He pressed again, pressing his forehead to yours as he urged you to listen and you wanted yo push him away, but then he spoke again, and you were lost words…but this time in a good way. “You’re my girlfriend and we love each other, right?”

“W-What?”

He paused for a moment, his eyes flittering over your face before he took a deep breath, “I-I love you.”

You wanted to speak, but you couldn’t. You had never in your wildest dreams imagined that he would ever say those three little words. You hadn’t even let yourself think them because you were so scared he would never reciprocate them back, but here he was…

“You know me… I’m not good with expressing feelings and shit, but I know I love you and I would never do anything to purposely hurt you.” He said earnestly. “I’m sorry if I did—I won’t even hang around with Kara if you don’t want me to.”

You wanted to say something along the lines of, ‘it didn’t even matter anymore if he saw her every day now,’ you were just too happy, because he loved you—nothing else mattered. Nothing in the whole world.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” He pushed, feeling awkward now—you saw the uncertainty in his eyes.

“I-I—

“You’re still mad?” He asked, sounding worried.

“No.” You shook your head vigorously, finally finding your voice as you smiled, “I love you, too.”

“Really?!” He exclaimed, a massive grin appearing on his face, and you had never seen him so happy as you both laughed weakly in disbelief. “You don’t know how happy this makes me…I could…I could…

“Kiss me, right now?” You giggled, wanting nothing more than to feel his lips on yours. “Go on, then!”

And he did. You didn’t even care that he tasted like alcohol still and stale cigarettes. All that mattered was that you guys were in love. He loved you and you loved him.

Now looking back, you wondered if Yoongi did ever mean the things he said to you, or did he just say them for the hell of it. You wanted to believe he wasn’t that sadistic to play with your heart the way he did, but sometimes you couldn’t think of any other reason. If he truly did love you like he had claimed to, then why did he break your heart? Why did he ask you to be his girlfriend, only to end things a couple of months later?

Granted, you should have seen the signs. He began to grow more distant, never truly engaged in conversation anymore, but you were too blind to see it—or you just didn’t want to. You were in love and on top of the world, so when it all came crashing down around you, you were heartbroken. You were still heartbroken. It was like a never-ending agony. Never one to be over dramatic, but sometimes you needed to be. The feeling was as if your heart weighed a ton of bricks, your stomach empty, as if you were constantly hungry but didn’t crave food—when you ate you felt sick and your whole body was numb.

You were under the impression that maybe your heartbreak was prolonging because you had never really gotten closure. One minute you had been delirious happy, blocking out all the bad signs and next, Yoongi was dumping you over the phone, just before you were due to see him. His excuses were weak to say the least, but maybe you were just bitter. Everything he said went in one ear and out the other. I shouldn’t have rushed into a relationship so soon after my last. I can’t give you what you want. You deserve better. I love you, but it’s not enough.

Not enough…those were the two words that kept replaying in your head, even months later. Those are what hurt the most, because if you loved someone, shouldn’t that be enough? If you loved someone, the hard work was already over. Everything was alright when you had love, but for Yoongi, it wasn’t. It was over and you couldn’t change his mind. You just had to get on with it—get on with life and suck it up.

The days turned to weeks, the heartache still strong, but then accidentally you found a way to cope. A home remedy of sorts, something that wasn’t you and still probably wasn’t, but it happened one night when you had gone out with Irene about a month after the break up. You’d spotted Yoongi locking lips with none other than Kara, and like a knife to the heart you felt yourself die all over again. You didn’t know what was worse, the way Yoongi noticed you with regret in his features, as if he pitied you for what you had witnessed, or the fact he didn’t even bother to come over and speak—to explain and to apologise.

You’d wanted to go home, give up at the first hurdle, but instead Irene had persuaded you to go to another club, and somehow, that’s how you’d caught the eye of a stranger. You couldn’t even remember his name now. You were sure it started with a ‘T’ but you couldn’t be too sure. All you remembered of that night was that sleeping with someone helped you forget everything you felt.

Sex. That’s what your remedy was. For that fraction of time between your sheets you forgot all about your heartbreak. You felt wanted, you felt accepted, no matter how pathetic it made you look. You didn’t care. Some guys were happy with a one night wonder, some wanted more. You were happy just to sleep with them, the idea of a new relationship made you feel sick. You didn’t want that, you only wanted Yoongi. You thought that maybe if he heard about you and your conquests he’d get jealous and want you back—again pathetic, you knew. It never worked anyway. You hadn’t spoken to him once since the breakup, and now, finally—months later, you had accepted it was over, but that didn’t mean your broken heart still didn’t exist.

A hole in your chest that when with someone else it disappeared for a while. It was stupid, and not like you at all. You had never had even had a one night stand prior Yoongi, but now it just felt normal. Irene didn’t judge you, although she had told you by now to maybe reign it in, maybe give that ‘nice guy’ Namjoon a solid chance… Hoseok on the hand, wasn’t too happy. Although he kept the majority of his distaste a secret, it didn’t take a genius to work out he didn’t approve.

Hoseok had been with you through everything—that shoulder to cry on, never once telling you ‘I told you so’, always trying to cheer you up. Maybe that’s where it all went wrong… In his bid to make you happy again—to feel wanted again, to fix you again, he took it one step too far. You both did.

You can’t even remember how it happened, one minute you were sat on the sofa laughing and joking and the next you were kissing. Maybe it had been the casual way he had wrapped his arms around you and tickled you, whispered in your ear—it had felt so intimate, way more intimate than any sexual activity you had chased over the past weeks and the numb feeling in your chest had disappeared, replaced with butterflies. Butterflies were something you hadn’t felt in so long, so you just let it happen.

You stopped of course, and ran into your room, embarrassed and afraid, but then you couldn’t stop thinking of his reaction. He was the who had kissed you. He didn’t want it to stop either. You didn’t know what it meant, but all you did know, was that the kiss felt good, and you could still feel the tingle on your lips, so you went back for more…

Things were awkward after that. At first you tried to laugh it off, but you found yourself unable to stop thinking of that night and in turn, it became harder to look him in the eye. You were so stupid. You had let a post on Facebook—where it seems Yoongi had a new girlfriend—sabotage your friendship with your best friend. You were pretty sure Hoseok regretted the night too because he hadn’t spoken barely any words to you since. The worst for you, was that you couldn’t even close your eyes without remembering how he felt inside of you, the way he kissed you and the way he held you. Maybe because it was a familiar face…but anyway, the thought of your heartbreak disappearing even a fraction scared the hell out of you. In some sick, twisted way you didn’t want to let Yoongi go…and in another, you didn’t want Hoseok to be the person who healed it.

That’s why a week later you decided to go out, maybe find another guy up to the job of healing your heart. The process was getting there, so you never know, maybe this next person could be something…someone to you. You’d panicked a bit when you’d seen Hoseok as you were leaving, even inviting him along in a bid to save your friendship you were scared was dying, but he said no, and you didn’t know whether that was a good or bad thing…but you went out according to plan anyway.

You didn’t get very far—maybe on your second drink when you saw him…Yoongi. With the girl you recognised from his photos on Facebook. They were kissing, her sitting on his lap. Four months. That’s how long it had taken him to move on, get a new girlfriend. You hoped that was enough time for him to have ‘not have rushed into it.’ You hoped this new girl knew he’d probably been fucking his friend before she came along too. The sad part was that Yoongi didn’t even notice you, and just like magic, your heart was in pieces again…

You slammed the door loudly as you rushed in, only stopping when you saw Hoseok on the sofa, shock on his face as he took one look at you, turning the tv off as he dashed towards you.

“What’s wrong?” He asked.

“Yoongi was there with that girl…” you trailed off, your voice breaking slightly, and then you looked down—did he really want to hear this? “I think they’re together, Hoseok…”

As your voice broke at his name he brought you into a hug. It was the first time you had touched in a week and you couldn’t help but instantly relax under his touch.

“It was one thing seeing it on Facebook, but in real life… it was just – ahhh – why am I so stupid? Why am I still hung up on him after all this time?” You bit out, feeling a frustration you couldn’t explain as the feelings built up in your chest.

“You’re not stupid, Y/N. It’s okay to feel this way.” He reassured you, pulling away to rub your cheek with the ball of his thumb.

“I am stupid,” you repeated. “I ruin everything.”

“What have you ruined? Huh? Tell me one thing you’ve ruined?” He urged.

You looked up at him, wanting to tell him everything that had been flooding your mind for the last week, but you were too chicken, and in that one moment you wanted to forget everything again. You wanted the feeling that you had felt when you’d slept with him the first time. You wanted it again. You breathed deeply, silence filling room as your eyes flickered down to his lips before catching his eyes again and suddenly the air felt thick. There was something between you again. Something that had never existed for you before. Your noses were practically brushed up against one another and as you exhaled you leaned forward and kissed him.

Your lips were hesitant at first, testing the waters, wanting him to kiss you back so badly, but sadly, he pulled away, his voice soft as he uttered your name. “We shouldn’t, it would be a mistake.”

And there it was. Rejection. Hitting you like a punch to the gut. You let out a little whine of despair, breaking half way through as you realised how stupid you had been. How pitiful you were.

“I’m sorry,” you muttered, pulling away from his arms. “SEE?! I am stupid. I do shit like this without thinking.” You exclaimed, motioning between you and him as you grew frustrated with yourself. “No wonder Yoongi never loved me.”

“Y/N,” he began.

“It okay,” you interrupted, smiling bitterly. You had already accepted it. Yoongi could have never loved you if he dropped you at the curb so quickly. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m gonna go to bed before I ruin the rest of my relationships. Goodnight, Hobi…” and with you walked to your room, closing the door behind you with a quiet thud.

To your surprise, it was his turn to come to your room this time, and your heart dipped when you heard the knock, not up for more humiliation, but you called for him to come in anyway, too weak to ignore him as your tried to unzip the back of dress. He was there in a flash, sitting behind you to help you get lose, his fingers cold as he pulled the zipper down your back, letting the air hit your bare skin.

“Hoseok, why are you here?” You breathed, trying to ignore the way his touch brought a chill to your skin. You could feel his breath against your neck now, and then the goosebumps formed.

“I’m scared.”

You needed to get this off your chest. You couldn’t just pretend that nothing had happened—that something still was happening.

“I’m scared you regret what happened between us. You haven’t been around at all this past week and I’m afraid that you hate me.”

“I don’t hate you!” He exclaimed. “I could never hate you.”

You felt his hands grip your shoulders as he tugged you around, his eyes boring into yours as if he was willing you to believe him.

You gingerly took his cheek in your hand, wanting to be as honest with him as you could be. He was your best friend and you could tell him everything.

“I’m also scared of myself. Last weekend was the first time I began to feel something for somebody that wasn’t Yoongi. All the other…guys were nothing, they were fleeting, a moment in time that I’d rather forget, but you… you were different.” You explained. “You’re my best friend and you made me feel something…here,” and you clutched your chest where her heart was, smiling fondly. “That scares me.”

You didn’t know what it meant, you were as confused as Hoseok looked right now, but you knew, despite your reservations, that feeling less heart break was a step in the right direction. Ironic that it had to be with your best friend, and you wanted to kick yourself when you remembered all you had said to Yoongi about not mixing friendship with sex. You’d already done it now, and a part of you wanted to do it again, not thinking of the consequences.

“Y/N, don’t be scared. That just means you’re getting over Yoongi. You need to know it’s okay to cry and shout and laugh even. It’s okay to feel things. You’re not made of stone—you’re human and humans get hurt”, he encouraged, his voice hopeful. “But do you know what? Humans can heal too. This…this feeling in your heart—” he started softly, and he put his hand over yours that was still against your chest, “—it’ll go away—the bad feeling—the heartbroken one, and it’ll be replaced with a better one.”

Your head was spinning. You knew he probably didn’t mean him, that could heal you, but it was worth a shot, right? The worst he could do was turn you down again and you’d be okay with that, but you’d already passed the line once…

You leaned forward and kissed him, weaving your fingers into his when you didn’t feel him pull away, wanting to feel as connected to him as possible, chasing the feeling of hope in your chest. Maybe he could heal you…fix you. That’s what best friends did, right? Helped one another? It didn’t matter if it was with sex. If you were both mature enough to handle it, it was all going to be okay.

Warmth spread through your chest as he deepened the kiss, his free hand stroking your hair as you fell back on the bed. You felt his tongue run across your closed lips and you instantly opened them, meeting his muscle with fervour, desperate to taste him and seek comfort as they pressed against each other, his just as eager as yours. He tasted sweet and you gripped him closer to you, spreading your legs to have him lay against you, feeling his body weight against yours and smelling the vanilla scent of his skin.

Soft moans left you as he pulled back and placed soft pecks over and over again to your mouth, stopping momentarily to speak.

“Are you sure about this? We can stop if you don’t want to,” and you shook your head. Of course, you didn’t want to stop, and you wound your arms around his neck, reaching for his lips again and uttering words that had him groaning into your mouth.

“I want you, Hoseok.”

He left your lips to bury his head in the crook of your neck, kissing and nudging the flesh with his nose as you shuddered with the feeling, angling your head so he could kiss deeper, his hands traveling to your waist as he began to pull your dress down, revealing your bare breasts that his tongue found straight away, flicking and sucking harshly as you arched your back, body pressed against his face as you chased the feeling, your hands weaving into his hair as his own pulled the fabric down your hips and you kicked your dress off, hearing it land on the floor. He pulled away to look at your body, a moan of satisfaction rumbling in his chest as he took in your thong, legs planted on the bed as you spread them, feeling pleasure run through your body even though he had stopped touching you.

“You’re so beautiful,” he murmured, his mouth finding yours again as his hands ran over your stomach and your heart flipped at his comment, basking in the attention as you felt him cup your breasts, moulding them in his fingers as you moaned, rubbing yourself up against his body, feeling his erection press against your core.

There was something different about this time, his kisses were harsher, more pressure to them, as if this time he wasn’t so nervous—even though this was still new, you felt him become more assertive, his hands freely caressing your body, his pleasure more audible as he groaned again, pressing his dick against you on his own accord, enjoying the sensation. He pulled away to kiss down your chin and chest, his eyes on you intently as you watched him descend your torso, wet kisses trailing all the way to your stomach that had you squirming around in anticipation before he knelt up and took off his shirt, leaving his chest bare as it flexed, his breathing heavy in excitement.

As he moved back down he went for your thighs this time, parting your legs as he kissed the soft skin, ticking you as he went for the sensitive flesh behind your knee and by the time he made it to your bikini line you were sure you had already dampened your underwear. You felt his tongue swipe against your covered folds and you reached for his shoulder, already mid- protest, but he shook you off.

“I don’t need that—

“No—let me. I want to make you feel good,” he whispered, and your hands fell limply as you felt the excitement rush through your veins.

The only reason you had told him not to last time was because you were scared it would be too intimate, which was silly, seeing as you were about to have sex, but this time you let desire take over body and a sigh left your mouth as he went back to kissing your core, feeling your underwear begin to get warm and wetter with his saliva, your legs parting wider, desperate by now, until finally you felt his fingers reach under your panties, pulling them off painfully slow, and you lifted your leg up to rush him along, your sex pulsing in need by the time you were bare and his mouth was back at your inner thigh.

“Hobi, don’t tease me—quickly! I’m about to combust over here,” you hissed, watching him smirk against your skin, and you were shocked to find yourself using his nickname in such an intimate situation, watching him move to face your heat, his breath tickling you as he spoke.

“You didn’t even want me to do this a minute a go—are you sure?” He teased, moving away from you, but you gripped the back of his neck, keeping his place.

“Yesss,” you practically whimpered, “I’ve never been so sure of anything before.”

Maybe you being over dramatic, but you really didn’t care and by the way his eyes flashed it seemed he liked it anyway and suddenly you were gasping as he finally buried his head into you, his lips pecking against the soaked flesh before his tongue flicked out to run against your clit.

You instantly relaxed under his touch, feeling him nuzzle closer into you and you wondered how he was so good at this, most guys you had slept with were a slobbering mess when it came to eating a girl out—bar Yoongi, and at the thought your heart squeezed a little. You pushed back against the bed, trying to forget his name and his face—it wasn’t about him anymore and you shut your eyes tight, feeling Hoseok add a finger into your opening and curl up gently as you moaned, your hands finding their way to his hair once again, feeling the pleasure pulse through your body as he swirled his tongue around your clit, making your toes curl into the sheets.

Thoughts of Yoongi quickly evaporated by the time he added a second finger and began to suck against you, humming and groaning into your heat and it rumbled around you, warmth washing over you as you felt your high approach you already, pushing your head back to concentrate on the movements of his tongue and fingers, your thighs trembling around his head as you tried to voice your arousal.

“Oh my god, Hoseok—don’t stop—please don’t stop,” you begged, squirming under his touch as you chased the last actions of your orgasm, feeling the inferno burn in the pit of your stomach as he spend up, sloppy noises filling the room as you finally snapped, your back arching of the bed and you saw white dots in your vision, your limbs stiffening as pleasure washed over you, a silent cry leaving you, followed by a weak giggle, your whole body tingling as he removed his fingers gently and kissed away the rest of your excess arousal, hums of enjoyment leaving him before he rose up on his knees again, hands already reaching for the waistband of his sweats, one hand still covered in your juices which smeared across the fabric as he pulled them down and his dick sprung free.

He was naked in the blink of an eye, his mouth on yours once again as his body hovered over yours. You tasted yourself on his tongue and your hand shot to his erection to rub it against your opening, coating him in your wetness as he groaned into your mouth, his jaw slack with the feeling.

“I want you so bad,” you uttered, the words falling out of your mouth before you even had time to process them and he whimpered, one hand meeting yours to take over and glide his dick against your slit, his motions harder, the other hand splayed across your pillow to hold himself up.

“D-Do you have a condom?” He asked, voice strained and you panicked for a moment, shaking your head. Hoseok probably had some in his room but there was no way you wanted him to leave you and go get one, you’d explode by the time he came back.

“It’s okay,” you reassured him. “I’m on the pill—besides, I want to feel you this time.”

Your words had his eyes practically rolling back inside his head and you felt more warmth spread across your chest. It was hot to know he wanted you as much as you wanted him, and with that he slipped down to entrance, holding his crotch to yours as he pressed flat on one thigh, pushing into you slowly but deeply, bottoming out as you adjusted your hips, and he hissed at the feeling, one hand now gripping your hip bone as you moaned out, the stretch oh-so fulfilling.

“Fuck—” he got out, gritting his teeth, his hips pressed against yours. “You feel so good—fuck,” and with that he began to move, moving his body between your legs as you enclosed him in, thrusting in and out steadily, watching your every reaction as you gasped out, flesh on flesh, the feeling more intent without a barrier of latex.

As he snapped his hips faster you met them with yours, making him groan out and as he dipped his head you captured his lips with yours, your tongue sliding into his mouth, desperate to feel everything he could give you and he faltered for a moment, seemingly overcome, the hand that was on your hip moving to your one of your breasts, cupping the flesh gently before twirling your nipple between the pads of his fingers.

You were overcome with too much pleasure. This time different to the first as you both gained confidence, both working in unison as your bodies became one, the warmth now glowing so hard in your chest you were surprised you couldn’t see it. Your whole body was tingling as you kissed each other messily and finally, he broke away, dipping his head to look between your bodies as he groaned at the sight—both of them glistening with sweat as your hips hit against each other, his fringe wet as it pressed against your chest.

“I’m not gonna last much longer—this is too much…” he got out and you wrapped your arms around his neck, lifting his head to kiss him once before you let him bury it in the crook of your neck, his panting loud as sped up, chasing his high and you wound your legs around his hips, gripping him to you, the sounds of your act filling the room as you slid your hands down his back, feeling his muscles flex under the touch.

“Cum, Hoseok—let me feel you inside me,” you urged, and he whimpered once more, his thrusts now messy as he halted, before jerking once more inside of you, his breath puffing out of his mouth as he came with a groan and you felt his seed shoot up inside of you, hot and finalising your closeness.

You couldn’t get any closer than this, as he pulled out of you slowly, your skin damp from exertion and your breaths rattled. Without thinking you both went to kiss each other again, sweeter this time—more passionate as you sighed against each other’s lips, your tongues tasting each other once again as his hands caressed your body. Your heart was practically throbbing out of your chest by the time he pulled away and you were surprised to find that it didn’t disappear when you laid down to sleep—it didn’t even disappear when you both woke up. It was still there, humming happily in your chest and for the first time in a while, you felt normal again.

For the first time in four months, you felt like you again.