#i was so calm. ocd is so fucking weird. like that bad thing its happening then its like okay. we are doing this rn.

[spilling-blood]

Now that it is officially the 2nd I can say it.

No one close to me died in 2024. This is the first year since 2017 that has been the case. This is what I wanted to say I was grateful for, but didn't want to speak it prematurely.

[youareunbearable]

every single day im more and more sure im some form of autistic mainly because of how relatable a lot of autistic headcannons im seeing are? Like ive never been tested and if i mention my thoughts to my family they laugh it off, and ik its really hard to diagnose women and adults because of ability to camouflage but i swear im somewhere on the spectrum. 

I’m putting a list of stuff under a readmore, but if ppl who know about autism wants to throw in their two cents i’ll gladly take it! 

  I used to do the flappy hand thing when processing/dealing with high emotions, i did it for almost a decade when i was a kid before i trained myself out of it because my family and peers used to tease me about it (my parents would laugh at me because id flap when i got frustrated and joke that im trying to fly away)

i used to do the raptor hands thing when in idle mode but when i was a teen someone told me how weird it looks/it makes ppls eyes go to my chest which makes me uncomfy so now i just clasp my hands behind my back

i can never really tell what emotion im feeling unless someone else or I voice it. like i’ll be going through all the symptoms of being stressed/mad/happy, but i wont understand what emotion that is unless i say either to myself or out loud what it is, or when others point it out “oh you look happy/ amber youre pretty mad/ why are you upset?” 

i hyper fixate on things, and only really like to talk about those things. my entire childhood it was birds, anything bird related i had to own, and it wasn’t until i moved off to uni that i stopped. Never really told anyone about it tho because it was a weird hobby. I had a cabinet full of ceramic birds and a wall of bird plushies that when pressed did their call.

For all that im told im really empathetic i REALLY don’t understand what other people are feeling. I know what they SHOULD be feeling based off of all the media I consume, and when i help them through their problems i either just tell them what i would want to hear or what the the solution to a similar problem a character in a book was going though. I’m really good at piecing together what ppl want to hear, and basing their solutions off of fanfiction/media that 90% I feel like it works? I mean ppl keep coming back for advice? but if it werent for that id have no fucking idea whats going on with other ppl

I’m weird about touch. now this COULD be from the fact that my family is very touch removed, but i find i crave touch, or the idea of touch, but when it happens i hate it, it makes my skin crawl, especially when ppl touch my neck. ive had the ladies at hair salons brush my hair before and me flinching every time they come close to my neck

while im not super about routine, i do find that when i have to follow someone elses i get annoyed, or when my time gets interrupted. but i think this is a normal human thing. but my brother has ocd and follows a strict routine from when he wakes up to how long he brushes his teeth so maybe im a little biased with that as a mindset for routine following

Im super particular about texture. I wont eat certain foods because of how they feel when im chewing it, velvet makes me want to rip off my skin when i touch it and i have to wipe my hands off on other fabric when i do, my skin feels super sensitive to touch so much so that seams and off textures make me what to scratch my skin off, and i often get large red welts when it happens, i also cant stand the feeling of liquid on my lips when i drink or eat, so i have to lick it off after (or pat it with a napkin) but ive noticed that no one else in my friends or family do that, and im trying to stop cause im being teased over it but its hard cause the wet feeling is AWFUL

side note on the scratching thing: i often do it when im in high emotional situations, dragging my nails up and down my legs or arms is kinda of relaxing and im im just now kinda realizing that this could be the bad version of the flapping i used to do, because i didnt scratch when i flapped, but now that i stopped the welts are here. ive also only broken my skin ONCE but i was in depressive spiral so eh. 

Im so great at mimicking other people and do it so naturally that i actually had to talk with my therapist about that because i was having identity issues over the fact that i dont know who i am anymore because i just pick up other peoples ways of acting (gestures, walking, what to do with my hands) and talking (phrases, tone, ways of thinking, etc) and often decide what im going to do that would have the best social impact on ppl like im picking a choice from a phrase wheel in a video game (Ive stopped doing this as much since therapy, and now i feel like i do it a normal human amount)  

when i was in elementary, i was a fucking angry kid, for no apparent that i can tell because i could never tell when i was pissed unless other ppl told me to calm down. I remember literally talking to a friend in highschool who had anger problems and i remember finding it annoying and telling myself “im not going to act like that” and then suddenly i wasnt angry anymore and the thought of punching someone is gross, but my sister stil tells me sometimes that im “violent” but i literally can never recall me doing anything like that anymore???? so whatever 

theres more to this list but its 3am and i cant think really but 

[for-the-love-of-life-lads]

Progress Report!

No weight today.

So, I followed a very similar diet to yesterday. I only ate my breakfast and my lunch (and I had chicken noodle soup for lunch which is only 180 calories). I had two bottles of water and two cups of coffee. I feel like my weight is going to be pretty good tomorrow!

I was actually really proud of myself today. You see, my mom always takes me shopping with her whenever she needs to go to the grocery store for anything she needs (eggs, creamer, etc..) but when we are there, she always wants to get a piece of cake because my dad isn’t there to berate us about what we can and cannot eat. I also think she uses cake and sweets as a coping skill for stress and for when she is feeling emotionally hurt by my dad. Usually, I will get a piece too because my dad stresses the fuck out of me too, but also because it sounds really good because I always crave sweet stuff, and my mom tends to try and peer pressure me into eating it as well because she feels bad eating cake in the parking lot by herself. But today, when my mom got a piece of cake because she was really stressed out I didn’t get anything. She was really trying to convince me to get one, but I told her that my stomach was in a lot of pain, but that she could totally get a piece and I wouldn’t judge her. I was really happy with this just because with my mom, I usually feel really guilty because she gets sad when I don’t get a piece. But I was able to stand my ground and supported her in the way that she needed me today which was just to be a sounding board and to talk to her while she had a piece.  The truth was, I didn’t really want it, not because it didn’t sound good, but because I am finally making progress with my journey! I finally liked how I looked in a tank-top for the first time in my life, and I didn’t want to throw that all away for a piece of cake that I wouldn’t even fully appreciate the taste of. I also didn’t realize how much my parents try to peer pressure me into bad habits. 

My dad? he constantly tries to make me eat things he wants because he doesn’t want to eat alone. He also tries to convince me to put aside my school work so that he has someone to talk to when he doesn’t want to do his work. He was also the one who encouraged me to take laxatives in the beginning for weight loss and that habit I haven’t even been able to quite. My mom? She needs food for comfort (that is probably why I use it as well) she always wants to take the day off, she doesn’t want to work hard until she absolutely has to, and will also try to convince me and my sister to take time off until we reach a time crunch. 

I think that this is why I kinda became the bitch that I am. I have an alarm for every workout, every lesson, every meal, every zoom, every time I have to wake up, every time I need to get ready for bed, I have some timers that I don’t even know what they are for anymore. I never want to stay up past 10 PM (unless its just my sister and I) I’m the one who makes sure everyone is up on time, I’m the one that will work ahead a week’s worth of work before I can even allow myself a break. I yell at people and freak out when I cant follow my schedule, if anyone tries to suggest a break or to take time off I am cold and distant the rest of the day. I exhibit OCD tendencies (the schedule thing, but also I get really scared when I don’t check my phone alarms and turn my ringer on and off 5 times before I go to bed, I get scared that someone will steal my parent’s car if I don’t lock it 6 times, my breakfast is ruined if I don’t use a specific plate group or the right spoon, etc.). I think from my parents being kinda like teenagers my whole life and not having a consistency within their lives made me feel the need to be consistent in every aspect of my life. That’s why I try and be so constant with this journal thing and my abs workouts. Sure, I could take a break. But what if I let myself slide the next day too? What if I start eating unhealthy again? I am in soo much fear of not following a schedule that’s all I know how to do or want to do.

My parents have actually gotten mad at me for being a hard-ass. It especially drives my dad crazy because it means that I won’t just do whatever he says. When he wants to order pizza and I ask if I can have the left over piece of chicken in the fridge, I think it makes him mad that I can’t let go of my habits and loosen up. But I get mad because I think that if he had any kind of responsibility or accountability I could learn to loosen up. I need to be the bitch of our house because if I’m not? No one will be. Then my parents get mad over little things and will fight and someone will get hurt and I can’t let that happen. Then, when I feel like my dad might get angry (which might lead to violence or isolation until he feels like his done pouting) or I will make my mom feel guilty and alone (like she feels with my dad already) I give into the peer pressure. At least, I used to. 

Now, I feel more like an adult and I am about to go to college. Starting myself out with healthy habits is much to important to me now for me to just give in anymore. Now, I am doing some things that help me mentally, as well as physically. This blog/ journal has helped a lot. It helps me get out the feelings and issues that I struggle with everyday, and help keep myself in check food and habits wise. I realized how bad my water intake is, and how bad my food intake is. Not to mention my constant use of laxatives  to try and loose weight in an unhealthy way. I’m learning how to get a treat (like when I got my sandwich) and enjoy it without eating everything in the world on top of that, saying ‘fuck it’ to all my progress just because I ate a sandwich. I also think that this helps to give me a reason not to do that. If I feel like I am reporting what I do at the end of the day, then I feel like it helps me remember “hey, don’t everything or you’ll have to admit it to everyone on the internet and yourself as you type it out”. Obviously I shouldn’t only keep doing well because I feel like others wouldn’t approve, but I feel like if I can do that enough, then eventually it will just become a mentality like how I didn’t want the cake because I liked how I looked in my shirt on Saturday. Eventually, it will add up and I will be living a more healthy life style.

Does anyone else believe in subliminal stuff? I found these subliminal videos for weight loss where they are supposed to work just by listening to them. I honestly don’t know what to think, but I think that to a certain extent they help even if it is just the placebo effect at work you know? I feel like the mind is a powerful thing, and if they are just BS then I haven’t really lost anything just my listening to them. I usually listen to them while I’m calming down from my abs workout before bed, and while I write these posts. I used it one time, and I saw dramatic weight loss (I think like two or three pounds) but I also worked out hard that day. So, because I wasn’t able to isolate anything in specific, and I still wanted to continue to loosing weight I decided to keep it in my schedule. So now I just listen to these things and I hope that they help retrain my brain a little. If not, no harm no foul you know? I do little things like that. Like when I think of something where I want good luck, I cross my fingers until I stop thinking about that event. If I do think about that thing without crossing my fingers, then I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen and that I will have the worst luck. Its kinda like knocking on wood not to jinx something. Sometimes, I can get away with a quick crossing of the fingers if I squeeze extra hard on my fingers when doing it, like I’m forcing the luck out. The weird thing is, I’m not even that super stisious  . I don’t believe in ghosts or curses or supernatural things like that. However, my brain is just like “you know I think your wright about this... but just in case!”. I used to do similar things like that when I was little, but now it’s gotten to a little bit of a crazy point with some things. Like I have woken up with my fingers asleep because I was worried about something I was thinking about before bed. I also don’t know which subluminal videos work, and which ones don’t and how many times I need to listen to them for results so I end up listening to almost an hour of them just to e safe because I’m pretty sure that they won’t work if I don’t.

Anyway, thanks for listening. sometimes it just feels good to talk about things I’ve never told or talked about with anyone and realizations that I have and can’t tell anyone. It’s like having a good friend I suppose. I’ve never had anyone that close to talk to, but it’s nice to feel like someone is listening even if they aren’t actually. I think that I’m going to have a really good weight tomorrow! Yay!

See you tomorrow! Have a great night!! :)

[steamworkblue]

knights of ren headcanons

kylo

she/her

started naming the kitchen appliances so snoke took pity on her and let her start bringing home force sensitives she Liked

weird team mom, cares about these nerds so much. it’s a good place to sublimate her light side tendencies

long hair that she holds up using the force when putting her helmet on so when she takes it off it all spills out super dramatically

has a cell in her personal space ship but never is asked to bring anyone in alive so uses it as a depression closet

looks super good when she bothers to clean up, like, stone cold gorgeous.... looks super good anyway

constant arguments with herself about literally everything she does every day

says she’s meditating but is actually just too depressed to get off the floor

really bad liar but a lot better when she has her helmet on

total fashionista

can’t tie shoes

skullface ren

Aimee, she/her

psychic, but like, mostly about mundane stuff. the longer she spends among any population the more and more local gossip she osmoses

lecusitic togruta. she’s pastel she’s super cute. wears glasses

hedge witch

blends her own tea

ocd, lots of small rituals, hoarder but everything is super organised

natural resting face is this slightly eerie smile

probably the most powerful after kylo

unsettlingly straightforwards, zero pretenses, will come after your life but like in a super chill and friendly way

always eating hard candy

cuts sandwiches on the diagonal

Likes People

knitter

tall coat ren

Cadeus, he/him

(i think somebody had darth caedus as one of their knights and i misread the name and liked it and Oops)

Orignal Coatguy

devaronian, dfab. has no intention to ever transition. tall. buff as shit

the past is fake, the future is probably also fake

super philosophical but also 250% ready to punch you in the face

super calm kinda intense demeanour

only in posession of three emotions: calm, Angered, and kinda sweet and sappy

really bad at talking to people

repetition autistic, will absolutely listen to the same song all day and that song is made of two lines repeating

owns like 2 outfits max

low key furry. has a werewolfsona

thinks the best thing in the world is running your blanket through the dryer before bed

buys too many books and literally nothing else

short coat ren

Korrum, ze/hir

Mimic Coatguy

polarian, species i made up that can pass pretty convincingly as human males except they have blue blood, crackle markings on their torso, kinda sallow skin, and tails

tail was docked as a kid to pass as human, now has a robot tail only its still robot looking because Heck Yes

sense of identity? never met her

half a minute into any situation will automatically start mimicking the behaviour of someone else in that situation

falls in love with anyone ze has a vaguely positive 10 minute conversation with

shitposter

dissociating 65% of the time

absolutely stole cadeus’s coat look. cadeus doesn’t mind

jack of all trades, in possession of an unreasonable amount of weird skills

very very good at talking to people

brown/blue heterochromia

into vaporwave

keyboardface ren

Pedima, she/her

human, brown, under 5 feet tall. has a unibrow

i’ll kick your ass. i’ll kick your dog’s ass. i’ll kick my own ass

carries snacks in her pockets. usually gorp but she adds extra chocolate chips

super good with computers, team techie

total dork

cargo shorts aesthetic. t-shirts with the sleeves cut off

zero impulse control

could probably be kim possible in another life time if kim possible was ready to rip out another human’s throat with her teeth, yknow, just if anyone wants that done

kinda gruff also kinda friendly

listens to harsh noise to relax

most sentences end in exclaimation marks

chews on everything

gatorade

buncha grenades and other kit ren

X or [Redacted], they/them

part human, part ???

light brown, blushes green. unironic scene hair. disney princess eyes

hoarder but unlike aimee just has Piles. carries everything they might need with them always

Anxiety

i’m starving for attention, wait no don’t pay attention to me why is this happening

manic pixie dirt goblin

owns a pair of light up sneakers

shops at space hot topic

way too many exclaimation marks

volunteers to be the one to go talk to people but always regrets it

actual macguyver

coos over robots

science nerd

oh my god!!! oh my god!!! what the fuck!!!!!!

trashcan ren

Saiph, they/them

human, brown, freckles, glasses

the trashcan is both a wheelchair and a computer, contains important data they might need, floats over difficult terrain

nonverbal, communicates primarily with telepathy though also sign language and text to speech

cut off their legs after they couldn’t use them anymore (actual details pending?), could get robot legs but No

stone cold badass

meme trash

singular actually effective team member

tells dad jokes & bad puns

composes dubstep as a hobby

rube goldberg

another science nerd

*looks into the camera like they’re on the office*

all of them

are trans

are autistic

are force sensitive

are mentally ill

are dating

primarily talk to each other via telepathy for Saiph’s sake, bonus, it’s cool and mysterious

wear mostly black, are goth as shit

have a collective pet roomba with a knife taped to it named Darth Stabby

constantly navigating each other’s needs in a small shared living space

lose their shit about oatmeal with little dinosaur eggs in it. kylo doesn’t even like oatmeal

aggressively stim to space MCR

have a bit of a crush on Hux

self care is chugging antifreeze and getting in a knife fight with god

*screaming at the void*

got into this as teenagers and are more than a little fucked up

you should definitely come talk to me about them