#i was one of those advanced reading level kids who was applauded until like middle school
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me: *has not written even fanfiction in over a week*
also me: what if i started a novel
#i was one of those advanced reading level kids who was applauded until like middle school#like it was so inspiring oh look at little connor he wrote 20 pages about cats on loose leaf for fun! so talented!#but once the teachers were fed up and i had to join the real world it was just. no more patience#i had a really awesome 5th grade teacher who like. we'd have class time but half the day was free to do different things at ur own pace#so like he had this rule of if you write during free time you can turn it in for extra credit and i did that shit all the time lol#he was like yes youre getting extra credit but like you gotta do other stuff too#i dont remember learning anything in any classes honestly i just remember waiting for my moment to hide a folder under my desk n draw#LOL desk checks were always so funny... theyd check and see if it was clean and you had your work#it was a disaster wreck with several bags of crayons stolen from the communal crayon stash#but like yeah i was always told i was a writing prodigy but im sure that is not the fucking case anymore lmfao#and like i dont read anymore either and thats a big part of being a good writer#also i have the focus of a fucking GOLDFISH hello#but like yeah i was always told i was advanced so i feel like i COULD if i could keep focus but that will not happen#like really truly even if i decide to go back to a project if its like a few weeks old ill instantly have to revise the whole thing#bc like i cant let sleeping dogs lie im a self sabotaging perfectionist#like my best work was never published bc theres no way i could publish it as it is#its one really complete chapter but thats it. and its not something you could do as a standalone#and if i went back to it now i bet id hate it and have to revise like hell to make a second chapter that fits narratively#like. i wish shit was as easy as when i was little though!!! like fucking yeah i was a prodigy because i didnt have all that pressure#goddamn. i just wrote and drew bc it was fun and i didnt have to worry about shit. i wasnt even gay yet#(thats joke)#like. ough. as important as finding yourself is? miss the formless ether of child brain#its disheartening that even if i could exactly recreate a comforting and encouraging environment i couldnt enter that headspace again#man but here i go rambling and being a downer like the adult in me!#endless cycle of self fulfilling prophecy#just like. i miss being a child with no expectations in a room of people doing some shit i wasnt paying attention to#and drawing with no fucking shame or criticism in my head just having fucking fun#fucking thats it im going into the attic and looking for old shit#WHERES MY CAT NOVEL i need it!!!!!!!!!!!!#bro i just need a kick in the serotonin pants today to get me the fuck going idk
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