#i was never funny as a kid or as a teen. I'm very rarely silly
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hm. having a moment
#if you know me i prommy i'm good and fine and you don't have to read this#i jus think i'm gonna go insane if I don't say this and I don't want to actually bother anyone by sending it directly#i'm just. hmmmmm i love being funny. it's a recent development#i was never funny as a kid or as a teen. I'm very rarely silly#but it's been more silly recently#and it's been great! i love being silly. but I am. at my core. a very earnest and serious person#and i'm starting to get worried#that people only like me better now for the bit#that being funny is some redeeming quality to offset how disconcertingly serious I am usually#i guess i'm afraid that this new development. not.... being alone so much#i'm afraid it'll go away when i stop being funny#can you only stand to be around me when it's something to joke about?#when the joke is over will you still love me?#and i think it's just my anxiety#but sometimes i feel like its all one big joke I'm not a part of#that i managed to wriggle my way in. just for a moment.#but the bit moved on and i'm left in the dust#i want so badly to be earnest#to tell people that i care so much about them#and not hide it behind three layers of joking#but that's the fucking thing isn't it!!#the seriousness is also a facade. i don't let myself joke around people I'm not comfortable with because I'm afraid of crossing a line#that i didn't know was there#it's like. i'm so serious to cover up the fact that i have emotions#and then you get close to me. and i drop that and let myself say things i never would otherwise#as long as it's jokingly#and then i loop back around to wanting to be so earnest. to actually say what i feel in full seriousness#but no ones ever gotten that far#and there are people i want to be earnest with so bad!!! i want to tell them how much i care about them!! but i just... can't#because i'm afraid i'll scare them off
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