#i was going to say 'anyway thats where ive been this weekend' but ig my queue has been running lol

[blazeball]

my little brother plays borderlands games in a waythat is designed in a test tube to piss my autism off

[randomcontentdude]

hello my gorgeous readers (my therapist), its almost 1am on a Monday and ive got to wake up tomorrow however ive had you abandoned over the weekend and I feel like I have so much to write from the weekend, this is a week full of stress and I just want to start it with a clean slate when it comes to events in my life. This was a long weekend since Friday was festive so I have extra info, this might take a few blogs hehe. I am currently listening to memories..do not open by the chainsmokers, which is probably something I would've listened back in my original posts back in 2020.

Thursday

This was a super long day, I went to therapy and got lost in my way there since I had to go to another clinic that's not the one I usually go to. I feel like it went quite well, it turns out my therapist actually reads my posts which is impressive since I wrote a lot here in the last few weeks, im not seeing her until after finals so ig our next session will be packed. It was a good sesh tho, I updated her on everything and her response was quite positive, we were able to also talk about my relationship with my body and food and ive got to say im on a very good stage of it, I will never be fully recovered but thats just how I was wired and she also brought attention to the fact thats its an agenda being pushed at us all the time so how can I move on if its everywhere?

Anyways, I went climbing that afternoon with my friends, Cheesy friend's ex fling turned into friend (we will call her fellow country girl since we both come from the same country) started coming with us. My fellow country girl is super nice to me, we have a lot of fun together and she advices me on whatever she cans, she is super cool and hardworking and I like her, monkey friend doesn't like her that much tho, I do. We were playing tough in the climbing gym and I accidentally hit her head with something(?), cheesy friend brought this to my attention and I felt super bad, all of the sudden I was a little kid again hurting his friends while playing, I apologised to FCG and said I wouldn't do it again, she answered to keep doing it, that she liked to play tough because she grew up with like 4 brothers or something, I was astonished but it lightened the mood for me. It was a quick climbing sesh because cheesy friend and I were down for a boys night.

I ran home and got ready, put on my fancy coat because it wasn't any boys night, it was coat boys night since Cheesy friend had just gotten a new coat too. After a very funny incident hopping onto metros, me telling him he was on the wrong way and then him having to run across the station, we finally made it to the same train, and off to boys night. Boys night is something super fun that started one evening where we went to see a speed climbing competition and started bar hopping and just had such a good time the two of us and now we just try to do it as often as possible, this is just our second one but it ought to keep going. We accidentally got into a gay bar which was super funny to me because Cheesy friend is a 183cm straight 31yo next to a 19yo gay twink, he doesn't mind tho, he's been through worse when it comes to gay clubs, and honestly, so have I. we just had like a blast, I did the "wait, they dont love you like I love you" dance in the middle of the street and a girl saw us which amused cheesy friend for the rest of the night. We found this very cool bar that I will deffo be going back to, I took some pictures for this post actually(the purple lights with the screens). I feel like he didn't want to go to the last bar but he gave in because I wanted to, I feel a bit sad about that but he had a good time too, we always do. We visited 5 bars, thats a new record. We went our separate ways, I bought myself a burger and watched an episode of the end of the fucking world on Netflix before going to bed. I always watch it on my birthday but I didn't this year, so I owe it a watch.

Friday

I woke up super confused, I have hyperrealistic dreams when I drink and today was one of those days, I woke up unsure of if I had cancelled my plans for the day and thinking I had texted GG blonde, wasn't the case. I was able to remember everything from last night and neither of those things were real so idk what happened there. I had plans with my virtual friend turned into real life friend (lets call him virtual friend even tho we live in the same city now). He's one of the few people I talked to during the pandemic, we met on a Taylor swift community on the internet like 7 years ago and now we live in the same city. We went to a museum and I put on a cute aesthetic outfit and he took some pictures of me (I'll add one here), we talked about life and boys and pop culture and life. He came with me to do some Christmas shopping and soft launched our friendship with my mom. He was a bit upset I hadn't told my mom about this little friendship we have had going on for the last years, I guess I was always scared of my mom taking my phone away from me and then of her getting upset about me lying or hiding things, his mom knows about me tho, so im considering telling my mom soon.

Saturday

At this point I should’ve been studying already, however, I didn’t. I read like 3 slides of the presentation I had to study and moved on, I can’t truly remember what I did during the day, I had lunch? And went climbing? No, I had a very heavy lunch, then I went climbing with my friends and we went to a café, I had an alfajor and then was sort of falling asleep. I also bought a can of Arizona tea on the way there which made me very happy. I went home and took a nap, and I wanted to keep napping but I had to get ready because my friends from uni wanted to go to the supermarket? And I don’t want them to think(or notice) they’re the other friends so I have to accept, we ended up going to my favourite supermarket tho so that was fun, I had to leave early tho because I had a dinner party with Monkey friend and company. It was a cute little dinner party for a Colombian holiday where you turn on candles for the death and for your wishes. This is one of my favourite things about living in my current city, everything is sparkling with different cultures and traditions and it’s just awesome. I manifested money, I wished for a “blondie” as I’ve been wishing for for the last few years but never seems to happen for me, and I also set a candle for my late father, it’s so weird because now that I’m the furthest from home I’m the closest to commemorating him and remembering him and who he was and what he liked.

Anyways, here’s the deal when I go out with them and by now when I go out in general: I don’t drink or if I do I drink very little. I haven’t made a recap yet but there’s many reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed near alcohol. So I just enjoyed the night and the cats and the pizza and the company and went my merry way just drinking a few plastic cups of wine by the end of the night and trying a bit of this traditional schnapps and that was it. Monkey friend was really excited about going out and making out with someone, whilst equestrian friend mission was to get super drunk and god she did. Since we were going out I gave little side quests to everyone and they gave me a bunch and that was gonna be fun to do.

Night was progressing and I decided to have a bit of the wine I had brought, I was a little disappointed cause it was a nicer wine and it wasn’t all that good honestly, I also tried a bit of said schnapps but that was it for me. I urged the need to leave since it was getting late and if we wanted to find somewhere cool it would’ve been impossible if we took any longer. Cheesy friend and I took the elevator with equestrian friend, this is when we notice she’s not precisely sober, however at this point we think she just needs a little walk and some water, so while we’re carrying her I get her some water in the hopes she starts to feel better. We hop onto the metro and reach our station, this is when she says she is indeed not feeling well and decides she wants to go home, of course we all go with her. We just had to change metro lines so we did that and, I’ve got to say, I’ve got a fair bit of drunk stories both of me and friends of mine, I’m an alcoholic empath if you may, so I could tell by the face of this woman she is going to throw up. As we reach the following station (mind you it is a 30 minute metro ride back home) she lets us know she’s going to be sick, for me this is obvious. I step back as she gets up and cheesy and monkey help her get out, it is as she’s stepping off the wagon she projectile vomits onto monkey friend, I can tell this woman is having a bad night. I stay in awe but not for too long since I know the metro is going to close the door and keep going. We all get off and equestrian friend starts puking in the corner, and she keeps puking. We were well passed the time the last metro had left the origin station, we were in luck this line is super long and slow so we had some spare time, the next one passes and we are not ready to get in. The next one passes, we stay, that was the last one. We’re stranded 40 minutes away from home. At this point we have to take the night bus, this was usually a 15 minute walk from where we were. A guard lets us know it’s time to leave the station since they were closing, and we go off to this main avenue, we are able to walk a block down when she finds some bushes and starts puking there, I go get her a sandwich because at this point she’s not even puking, she’s just spitting. She’s claiming she’s about to die. These girls pass in a car and scream at us “you’ve got this girl, we’ve all been there!”, this creepy dude asks us if we need anything cause he lived right there, my friends say he invited us in, for me he just asked if we needed anything he could provide for us. Mind you we spent around an hour in this situation. This is where I start spiralling, I’m thinking of gg blonde and what he was probably doing(sleeping tbf) and about how gorgeous he was (I feel stupid writing this now cause these feelings feel so distant now). So I was panicking while equestrian friend was throwing up and I decide it’s time for us to move on, she’s not progressing and it’s late and cold and we all want to get home. So we decide we will not take the night bus but an uber, however that it is a good idea to start walking in to direction to the bus and following its route since it’s basically all the way through another main avenue and we basically live on it so it’s our best chance to get her to sober up before putting her inside of a vehicle. As we’re walking im trying to feed her but she can’t swallow, I notice she’s about to run out of water so I rush to a subway I knew was on the area to get her some hydrating drinks, we go past some super posh clubs and all I can think of is how cool would’ve been to grow up rich in this city, it just would’ve been the coolest thing ever. Monkey asks me if I can get equestrian some electrolytes for the next morning, so when they hop onto the taxi I take the bus so I can get down at the 24h pharmacy near my place, pick up a something that cheesy can wear to sleep cause ofc he would be staying over at the girls’, and this is when I notice I have their keys, and monkey told me they only brought one set of keys tonight, so now I’m panicking because I am…

[0tivez]

I feel like to a certain extent I also had that toxic phase of calling people a poser lol and people calling me a poser as well :p in the end we like what we like and fuck people who try and make us feel bad about those things <3

I LOVE R/JUJUTSUSHI!!!! its the best place for spoilers 🥰 jk jk. I could go on an ugly rant it as well. Imagine someone cringe bc they find someone attractive and consume the media around them??? I hate people's logic sometimes; lemme enjoy hot anime 2d men/women fuck off :D

LMFAO I think thats the only downside of talking with strangers about theories and such I think?? sometimes they don't understand or aren't open minded about other povs (and the latter is fine, you don't have to accept something that you dislike but pls don't be mean about it you're gonna hurt my feelings)

I hold haikyuu people to grown up standards but they're literally in 1st year of hs tf TT lets be best friends! I'll be the Yamaguchi to your Tsukishima <3 but fr, I don't know if you've reached this point but the episode where Tsukki's backstory was revealed...I feel nothing but pain. I can also relate to him as well tbh; I like how Haikyuu characters are, as far as I know, very humanly fleshed out!

Ohhhh I love cotton candy! It's been a while since I've eaten it tho :,) ill add it to my watch list! lately ive kinda been fixing my life/schedule so I hope I can start reading csm and jjk and watch more anime!

I...I was watching, you know...I was watching pørñ TT

YOU JUST MADE ME REMEMBER!!! I WANTED TO TELL YOU BUT IT SLIPPED MY MIND ANYWAY WE GOT A RELEASE DATE!!!!!! THE MOVIE IS GONNA BE RELEASED THE 24TH OF MARCH allegedly and I say allegedly bc even though news channels have made comments about the release date, cinemas over haven't said anything?? but ig lets just hope for the best TT my cousin wanted to go to the movies wearing outfits inspired by Gojo and Nanami and it would be fun so imma just hope for the best :,)

I would also watch the shaky version. no doubt, no hesitation. A bookstore over here was selling jjk volume 8 at a discount price and I really wanted to buy it but my dad wouldn't let me TT I need to get a job fr

EYYYY CSM PROPAGANDA >:) I think its more of a Latin American Spanish thing tbh BUT LETS GO

Yuzuru is an ethereal being. There's just so much about him that blows me away I cant- and all his skating outfits :,D I keep thinking about skating aus since the olympics; they're plaguing my mind

#mappareanimateeverythingpleaseimbeggingyou2k22

I think one of my friends told me that mappa kinda exploited their workers but I wouldn't be 100% sure; I didn't fact check. I also don't know if im using the ; correctly bc I don't English very well as of lately lmfao.

I don't know where I stand with cosplays, I like the ones that aren't a carbon copy of the characters but outfits inspired by them and such. I think those are very neat!

I hope you had a nice weekend!! <3

-🥳 anon

right lmao it's also those same guys that drool over rem and shit too

i don't think i've seen his backstory yet. i DO know that his brother is voiced by geto's va tho 👀 i should really finish it

you were watching PORN in your FAMILY CAR??? you're a menace to society and i don't know if i respect you or hate you for that (jk jk.... unless)

i saw 18th of march but it was for usa :') it's nowhere close to where i am lol i might watch the crappy drive versions. for now, i will be hyped for the batman

AAH ARE YOU KIDDING ME? IVE BEEN SEARCHING FOR VOL8 AND 9 FOR AGES BUT THEYRE BOTH SOLD OUT! they are not translated which means they are so fucking expensive but i was ready to pay for it.... anyways i bought vol 0 and 1 for very cheap, i need to just wait for them to get translated :') they're only at vol 2 but damn i can wait to see getos fat titties and toji traumatizing gojo

mappa most likely does exploit their workers. i did hear tho that they are paid well, better than most other animators, so baby steps ig

lol i don't really look for punctuation either, it's impossible to learn lol so PSA if i ever have weird punctuation, it's cause i do it the way i do in turkish lol

i agree! most cosplays don't work out well for that reason :( hakken is a god tho

have a good one!

[matronaa]

Jungkook “fuckboy?” drabble

Pairing: Jungkook x Reader

Word count: 1,637

Genre: Fluff/mentions of smut?

Okay look its about 1 in the morning while im writing this and i just got done literally scrolling thru @jungshookz  e n t i r e page and honestly ive been delusionally laughing over her stories for like an hour and a half like the tattooartist!jungkook fic legit killed me i love it  and i’m probably going to force my friend to check her out because legit i love it so much and she seems like such a funny person and if she sees this 1) ily and ur writing and i wanna be friends but idk how to start a conversation because im a awKwARd bEan and 2) im sorry for probably spamming ur notifications with likes okay i couldnt help it so now im inspired for the first time in a while to write but im way to loopy to put together an actual fic so enjoy this ig

Okay i should stop rambling (okay just note that im so sleep deprived that i had to google ‘words for excessive talking’ to remember the word rambling because im an idiot and i cant think and ooo its 1:11 am rn make a wish b*tches)

Okay im sorry ill begin~

A/n all of this is completely unedited and if bad grammar annoys you srry not srry

Lets talk about what fuckboy!jungkook is oki

I feel like in reality there are just a bunch of rumors about him but hes so smol and hes the quiet type so he doesnt have the energy to dismiss them

Like im sorry soft jungkook is way to good in my mind rn okay #cuddles4days im not in the mood for him to strangle me with his amazing biceps

Anyway

you never rlly met him in the 4 years of going to the same highschool as him (since you’re in those smart people classes like humanities) until senior year

You and him had the same AP Lit. class lmao english class is  l i t

Which surprised you bc of the rumors like i thought he was a badboy ?? arent those normally idiots ??

Nah my bby is a smart nugget, he just likes to look hella bf 25/8

First day of school cliche where you show up late to class and have to sit next to him because i  d i e  for those plots okay

But you dont know thats him because you’ve never seen him, so you’re confused on why most of the girls keep glaring at you

But soon enough you catch on and you’re like fml

And then the professor is like “where you are sitting is your assigned seating for the rest of the year” and you’re like f m L

He ends up introducing himself to you because i mean like table buddies

But hes really nervous because hes a cute little bean and you’re hella cute cuz lets be honest ur probably wearing like basic black leggings and a hoodie with your hood over your head to hide the bed hair you didnt feel like brushing that morning

Oh, just me? Okay…

He likes ur name because it rolls off the tongue and he thinks it suits you even tho he doesnt know you

Yet ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

You dont really think hes a fuckboy because he seems so nice and he has the cutest lil bunny smile sEE

That is until after school u end up getting to ur locker late because u left something in one of your classes

And u see him pinning a girl against the lockers down the hall

And ur like well shit nvm

And u quickly get ur shit and go because das  a w k w a r d

But then he sees u run off and hes like awh crap i dun fucked up

A few weeks go by and u notice he barely really comes to class so u usually sit alone

On days he does come his chair seems extra close to yours and he’s basically smothering you

But u dont mind because he smells nice

And on the days he does come you get kinda excited because

1) you get a partner who doesnt expect you to do all of the work

2) this boy cute when he gets all intelligent

Ur  like “yes pls continue speaking about the essay we are writing that i have no idea is on because i kept getting lost in the sound of ur voice”

He notices when u zone out because you start staring at his lips when hes talking and he thinks its the cutest thing

One day u get assigned a week long project and ur close enough friends with jungkook to basically scold and force him to come to class all week

But only if he can force u to come to his house to work on it after school

Which you’re low key nervous of because ur going to a ‘fuckboy’s house’ by yourself

And u dont wanna do the dirty because ur a pure child haha not for long

But you agree anyway

And honestly even after the project is done (which you got an A on) you continue going over to his house because his bed is comfortable and he always has snacks

And his mom loves you

Like legit on days you dont go the next day you do she’s like “wheRE WERE YOU”

When the semester is over the professor lets you pick seats but you both enjoy each other’s company so you stay seated together.

finally ur at his house one day and ur just laying on his bed scrolling thru insta and he’s sitting on his bean bag in the corner on his phone and u look up at him and realise

Shit

You like him

Like a lot

And u mentally face palm because this was not supposed to happen

But it happened and you’re too far down the hole to climb out

Sometimes u end up napping at his house after school because his bed is more comfortable than yours and one friday night u wake up in his arms

And its like the best feeling ever

Its so warm and hes so cuddly hes like latched onto you

You stay under the warm blankets before you question when he even got in bed since he was playing video games before you fell asleep

And then his phone lights up and ofc you check it for him bc ur a nosey bitch

But not before you observed how adorable he was while he was sleeping

Nope not creepy at all

its his friend tae texting him (you didn’t really know his friends since you had different friend groups)

You check it and its smth like “stop staring at y/n while shes sleeping and reply u creep”

And you’re like w a t

So you scroll up and see that while u were sleeping jungkook went on a full rant on how cute u are and how whipped he is

And ur like holy fadoodles dis boy likes me

And so u decided to text tae like “this is y/n, does he actually like me”

Which turns into you both having a convo on how thirsty jungkook is until he wakes up

Hes like wtf r u doing and he snatches the phone and reads through your messages with tae while u like sit up to stare at him

And he’s still half asleep so it takes him to realise whats going on

“Omfg y/n i can explain-”

He starts rambling about how long he had been crushing on u and that he didn’t want to tell you because you seemed uninterested so he kept it a secret and never told anyone

And honestly he was freaking out because the onE tiMe he tells anyone that he likes you, you find out

But while he’s rambling you’re coming up with an excuse to text your mom that you’re spending the night at his house, so you just say he’s not feeling well and his parents are gone for the weekend.

Lmao she doesnt care she’s just like “lmao ik ur lying but have fun dont get pregnant”

Or Maybe thats just my mom idk

You have to shut him up by snatching his phone out of his hands and kissing him

When you pull away you’re just like “you talk too much lmao”

You explain to him that you like him too and u just get under the covers again and snuggle up next to him, and he wraps his arms around you

And you stay like that for a while before hes like “its late you should get home”

And you tell him you’re staying the night whether he likes it or not

And he is so down for that

But then you end up just spending the weekend there because why not his parents love you

And every night is just filled with cuddling, watching netflix, making out, late night snacks, etc.

Saturday night he gets a lil touchy and soon enough ur like straddling him and grinding your hips against his

But then he’s like “Ive never done this before” and you c o m b u s t

Ur like aren’t you like the school fuckboy how have you not done this

And he tells you its all just rumors and hes too lazy to set the record straight

And you basically decide to take things slow that night since it was you’re first time too and honestly it was so cute

It wasn’t really steamy rough sex it was more soft fluffy love making that is filled with giggling and exploring and appreciating each other

That was definitely the night you fell in love with him

Which is big because you thought love was gross

The next day you’re cuddling and he’s like “you know ur my gf now”

And ur like duh

You start going on cute dates after that like going to cafes or amusement parks

He loved taking you to the beach during the summer because u looked gr8 in a bikini

You found out you were going to the same college with was fantastic, so you decided to rent an apartment together nearby the campus instead of living in a dorm.

Which normally you’d be against because moving in together so quickly ?? but you felt different like this relationship was going to last

UNTIL HE CHEATED

Lmao jk gotcha bitch

My baby is too pure and innocent to cheat

Well innocent until you both get into bed and then oh lord it gets steamy

He wants to experiment with like e v e r y t h i n g and honestly you were down

But ofc you set some boundaries.

There were lines he couldn’t cross

I mean sometimes he tried but you shut that down real quick

Overall your relationship was perfect and you couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend

I mean he brought you pizza rolls and dr pepper to ‘study dates’ how could you not love him.

Oml it took me over an hour to write this its like 2:30 am why am i awake anyway imma go to bed now, idk ur name jungshookz but pls write more fanfics i need more to read late at night okay gnite

[kadywicker]

what's it like being a teacher?? i've always thought of being one but never knew if i was up for it, especially for pre-k

sorry i didnt get notified abt this thanks tumblr fasjdfadf

but tbh its super fun??? i love it. over the years ive wanted to do either nursing or an art teacher for middle school/high school. but i needed to make Money and my mom got a job at this holistic school and they offered me a job too as her aid. within like a week i absolutely fell in love with it and i knew that early childhood development was what i HAD to get my degree in. i’d helped out my mom working at daycares before or doing various nannying jobs, but this is the first time i’ve been like... in a classroom setting for hours 5 days a week.

but! it’s really fun. it’s not for everyone, though. basically to be a teacher u gotta a) have a ton of empathy b) have patience and c) think of kids, no matter how young, as completely your equal. they have the same emotional capacity as adults and they’re way smarter than you’d think. if those aren’t things you think are your strong suits then it might not be a good fit and thats okay!

but basically... as a teacher, u do things like... lesson planning, making sure kids are emotionally okay, calming yourself down and smiling anyway when a particularly tough kid starts acting up, willing to have Fun as far as you can physically. like... playing pretend, picking kids up and spinning them around, joining them if they’re playing w slime/play dough, just in general trying to get to their level to understand them more and not just seem like a stand offish adult who doesnt Understand them.

tbh to ME pre k is way easier than older kids. i’ve had to teach a couple classes at this school to elementary-hs kids and it’s a lot more difficult than pre k imo. with pre k like... most of the kids are potty trained, so that’s a plus. and they’re hyper as hell but you kinda get used to the noise and it’s worth it bc they’re incredibly cute and loving. like, today i had a little 3 year old sitting next to me while i was making flash cards and she wanted to color with me so she just kept coloring lil squiggles and then gluing them together and handing them to me saying they were cards for me. another kid (my favorite kid) was super excited bc i stayed passed lunch today (usually i go home before lunch) and he hugged my legs and kept walking around attached to my legs. u also get random high fives and hugs. 

really the only difficult part abt pre k is that sometimes the kids will like. melt down but bc theyre so young it’s hard to calm them down bc they don’t really... Understand how to get themselves to a calmer place. but even then like. theres usually a reason behind why theyre acting that way. like one girl in my class has parents who just... never see her. shes always in aftercare and then on weekends she goes to daycare. she only sees them at most like 4 hours a day. so whenever she starts crying over smth small or losing it out of nowhere, it’s p easy to go “okay, there’s a reason for this, let me just hold her until she starts to calm down”. like i said, you just rlly gotta be empathetic. try and understand where they’re coming from and the job is super easy.

but in summary: it’s a p easy job for me and it’s incredibly rewarding bc you get to see kids learn and grow and watch as concepts click for them, as well as getting a TON of affection and having an outlet for your affection as well. the hardest part is just really... being able to gain control/respect ig bc some kids if they’re losing it you can calm down p easy bc they respect you, where others might just flat out ignore you. w those ones u just gotta breathe and smile anyway lmao

[selfdiscovery4me-blog]

11-5-17(First Post)

I’m doing this instead of doing my pre-calc homework because i feel like that class dosnt matter and i don't really care idk its fucking stupid i hate that teacher but i feel like he just wants kids to like him. Ive been with my girlfriend all weekend(The thought just occurred to me as how to address these from what perspective and to who, my self or an audience im doing this for myself but do i address it as if im telling a story? im not sure but thats how im going to make it seem like and we will see how that goes). I was with her and her mom, it was recently her birthday and she had a very shitty day, even though I and my Mom tried to make it better she still felt really shitty and was very upset and crying, i remember seeing her bring a blanket out of her room to wrap up and cry into and it hit me that idk like i just felt so bad like something was fucked up like i dont even know what it was but the fact that she had her blanket to comfort her maybe it was because she was cold and wanted to cuddle up but like idk it just struck me as odd and like it just seemed like thats what comforted her and like im just not even sure what to say about it, after us arguing too we finally were able to cuddle and hangout for a little bit with the dog biting us and playing around being annoying but being cute at the same time. I left feeling so confused like ive never felt before i cant explain the emotion that i felt after that like i dont know the vocabulary to put that feeling into words. It was really a mix of being sad, feeling helpless and just i was very unsure of the reasons everything was the way it was and i felt like the world was spinning around me and i was standing still watching it move it was extremely weird, I didn't know what to feel or anything. My girlfriend fell asleep, it was a very tiring day for her but i needed someone to talk to or be with so I asked my friend to come over. (Its almost as if feel 2 different range of emotions when im with my girlfriend and everyone else and they dont work together which almost always ends up bad) We hungout and just listed to music and talked, we went into the my hot tub with the kid who lives next to me. I have known him for a long time but he is kind of a shitty person and friend, weve been friends for so long but yet he switches up on me idk my girlfriend hates him because he talked shit about us and made stuff up about her. I guess im just used to it with him by now but she dosent like it and insists that i don’t be friends with him. Whenever i talk to her about it i alwys leave feeling like yeah fuck him i dont wanna be his friend but then when i see him or talk to him like i just wanna be his friend idk why if its just easy or what like hes in my friend group and not a bad person to be around, he dosent talk shit about her or us anymore around me anyway because whenever he does i continue to make him feel like shit about things he does for the rest of the day which now i dont have to do because he dosent talk. Anyway yeah i had nick over and we smoked and today Alex found out about it that i had him over, she made me promise not to hangout with my friends but i made the promise almost knowing that i wasent going to hold it yet i still continue to tell her that. She balled her eyes out today after finding that out, i apparently broke her trust again. I still love her but i want to hangout with my friends i want to go to parties :/ im so inlove with her like i cant bring myself to break up with her like i love her and it fucking sucks because our relationship is going toxic i guess and i really need to probably get out of it before i destory everything i have or had even more but i cant bring myself to do it. I think about things and like i wish everything would just go away that would make it so much easier, if she would just break up with me and leave or something that would make me break up with her like that would be easy and i think its kind of fucked that i think that but at the same time maybe that shows in the way i act its kind of fucked also that i make all these hollow promises to her when I have my own agenda which i make seem like or feel like i have no room or time for actually doing things which she wants too. Maybe i have 2 high of an exception when it comes to high school and my friends and everything i do and i want to do. I feel like she is holding me back but also a crucial part of me, I started loosing interest when more was coining out of my friend group and that started to become something of greater interest to me. Like before we all did the same shit every weekend but now its different but im not sure if it is i dont know maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. I just need someone to talk to but its hard because im fighting a mental battle between my girlfriend and all that surrounds her and my friends and all that surrounds them. I feel like i can do whatever i want and not really experience the consequences for some reason because i feel like i can pull up before getting burned but im not sure if thats really the case because i feel like everyone feels like that way about themselves probably till reality hits them.Maybe im too optimistic im optimistic in waiting for my stocks to go up like i threw 75 of my savings money into them because i hope that somehow they will go up, invested that plus about 100 other dollars into a coin that i know absolutely nothing about and im not sure if that is a good decision or a bad one or just an in the middle idk fuck theres so much going on in my head right now with school and everything too like fuck idek. I literally cannot make this decision between my friends and girlfriend like just thinking about her shes so cute and adorable and perfect when everything is how she thinks it should be but its not what is making me happy entirely like yes i love her and i like to be with her but like its not like thats all i wanna do. I cant sit sill i have to move i have to do more things like and she just wants things to remain how they once were where they appeared perfect. For some reason i feel like im a really good boyfriend and did whatever she wanted at the time because i didnt want to be made fun of or joked about like if we ever broke  up and i dint want to end things with her and have her thinking about me as a shitty boyfriend like i wanted her to think of me the way she thought of her ex but i guess in doing that i also made her never want to loose me and she now is crazy and ive been shitty to her i think but maybe i haven't but she just puts crazy rules on me and i dont like to follow them so does make that me a bad boyfriend if the rules are crazy? I think i live in an idealistic world where everything will work out for me because i think it will and i know i can put my mind to it and make it work but im not sure if that is really tested and i know i can or if im just like high on my own ego and i can get let down when it actually comes time to do it. I just fucked with my girlfeinds ig and told her i hacked it and had dudes block her which is funny cuz she left it logged on on my phone and i blocked them but ill see how long i play this out for but it made me happyish and feel good and takes my mind off of things so it was alr. I think im going to stop todays thinggy here ill probably just play with the look of my blog. Maybe ill start a website for this idk well see. i enojoy this kinda idk i still want someone to talk to but everyone just like dosent get it they always just easily pick one side but its not that easy its so hard trying to play both sides an make both side happy and work with it when one side dosent like each other and i feel like i need both things :( maybe ill type more later. Goodbye