#i was going to let this sit and post it tommorrow but i forgot that tommorrow is a holiday LOL so here’s my gift. i’m posting this early

[loveundrwrld]

yan bully (past) x gn reader

kinda angsty, wanted to do something different with the concept of a yan bully. do make sure to heed the content warnings on this one as this is a little more dark/potentially triggering than what i typically post.

(cws: bullying, trauma from said bullying, implied childhood trauma, stalking, yandere is kinda self-destructive(?) for lack of a better word, general yandere shenanigans)

- yandere bully who taunted and tormented you in childhood . . . though, he doesn't initially remember it that way

- when it started, he was just ‘playing’ with you. and as time went on, he started to unconsciously project his complicated feelings onto you. just ‘pranks’ and ‘playing around’ to release some of his stress. and when his friends join in, he sees nothing wrong with it.

- your reactions are funny- and he wants to share that with his friends. why would that be wrong?

- he’s been treated the same way- and to him, he thinks he ‘turned out just fine.’ so it’s ok, isn’t it?

- after all, when you try to get teachers involved . . . they don’t think it’s an issue either. just kids playing around. so why should he feel bad?

- the reader, after a while of being bullied nearly daily, becomes apathetic to it. this irritates him. he wants to be in the forefront of your mind, for better or for worse . . . though, he doesn’t quite know why.

- he becomes more focused after that, more obsessive. he doesn’t really let his friends tease you as much anymore- though, that mercy is short-lived as he solely focuses on you instead.

- after a bit, you graduate from school and go to college, seemingly now only focused on your studies. you don’t reach out to him, or any of his friends for that matter. from what he hears about you, you aren’t interested in getting in touch with anyone from your old school at all.

- this agitates him. he needs, he realizes, to be in your life somehow. perhaps he was a little too mean, he realizes, but surely you’ve gotten over it, right?

- he begins to stalk you, trying to figure out more about what you’re like now, needing to see more about you. he sees, with a sinking pit in his stomach of realization, how paranoid you are now. how scared you are of new people, how jumpy you are when other people surprise you. how resistant you are to make new friends.

- at first he’s in denial. it couldn’t have been him who made you that way, could it? something must have happened.

- but he realizes, over time, that how he treated you was very wrong. he thinks now about treating you like the way he once did . . . and he feels sick. how could he have taken his anger out, on someone like you?

- but despite that, he finds that he absolutely needs to know everything about you now. he can’t let you out of his sight, he has a desperate hunger to see everything he can about you.

- eventually he starts trying to contact you . . . to let you know just how sorry he is. he’ll make it known to you how much he desires your forgiveness, how much of a painful need it is for him. how much he’s changed, and how much he regrets hurting you.

- he lets you know that, if you what you want is revenge? he’s perfectly happy doing anything you want to any of his former “friends.” he can help you . . . and even help you hurt him, if that’s what you want. just so long as he can see you.

- you ignore his letters, dumping them in the trash without reading them. and a part of himself that he doesn’t want to admit still exists . . . is angry. can’t you see how much he needs your forgiveness now?

- despite knowing better, and knowing he’s only going further towards upsetting you once again . . . he still needs to see you, to write to you.

- he just can’t live without you.

[elsirason]

Have you ever find yourself stuck? Be it an artist block, a writer block, a routine that dosen’t suit you anymore, or even just a job which you hate with every fiber of your being.

Well, that’s where I am right now. And this is make me livid, ‘cause all these blocks are comin’ together and I have no idea how to come out of it.

I just feel like I need a fresh start, a fresh start that should have come like months ago and didn’t because of CoVid and… and… I don’t even know anymore, this is just so infuriating! 

Okay so, I’m gonna cut the post ‘cause this is just really me babbling with no logical sense and I just need to let off steam with eyes that don’t know me and once I’ve thrown it all out, the story ends there. Well, here, with this post. And end.

I cannot continue like this.

I just feel so… lame? I don’t even know where to start… It’s so silly just to think of it, but I didn’t have a mental breakdown in summer only thanks to the Summer Season of A3! That is, like, the only thing that didn’t screw up in these past… well.. seven months. 

I finally got an house with my bf, and we STILL live with our parents because covid slow down people and factories and there’re have much work that accumulated during the lockdown and so we are like three months with no bathroom instead of a couple of days. Or a kitchen. Or a proper bedroom. And don’t even let me start talking about the volture of water, gas and electricity connections… It took like two months.  And do we want to talk about the windows?! I got seven damn holes in the house, ‘cause the company entrusted with the job is stuck and cannot come built them for another couple of weeks, and, I don’t know if you noticed, but AUTUMN CAME IN LIKE HALF OF A DAY and I passed to have a empty house (except for the wc and bidet and rubble in the middle of the salon) to A DAMN POOL! Complete of waterfalls on the stairs… Thank you.

Wanna talk about the job? Ah ah ah. Where should I start? I feel like I’m going to cry just thinking about it, tbh… I didn’t get fired, I didn’t stay home during the quarantine, I didn’t have really any money problem, so honestly, this feels selfish and like I’m beeing really ungratutitude for the only fact that I still have a job, but… This is not even a job anymore, this is (Lord excuse me for this term) slavery. In the past months I’ve been doing nothing but beeing caged in those four walls, I worked the ass out of me for 10h/day, giving those bitches more than 60 hours of my weeks, and what did I got back? I gain around 900€/month, I have no job level on paper, but I am supposted to constantly direct two people (one of them who even earns twice as much as me), all the orders and in and out, the organizations of our cold rooms and the decide on the organization of the kitchen and production, all while, obviusly, doing my own work at my own repartment, which is packaging. Oh, I almost forgot to add that thanks to CoVid, we were like one third of the staff for three months and I started to cover the office’s workload too. And OF COURSE, even when all the staff should have been came back to work, the boss had the brillant idea to say: “you know what? We manage to work well by yourselves, SO WE SHOULD CONTINUE LIKE THIS”. The problem here is… THE WORKLOAD QUADRUPLE and the staff memebers DID NOT! And of course, due to awful work organization (because we are NOT ENOUGH) the workload incresed even more than it should be, and so we got stuck at work more than necessary. And add the psycological (both in-work and out of it, ‘cause the world’s situation) and physical (I run at work… I don’t stay sit, I litteraly have to run) stress, extend it for months, and my body just started to collapse. And yesterday, it gave up. 

AND THE CRAZY THING IS: I FEEL GUILTY!!! Because I still DAMN CARE about my job, because IT IS MY JOB.

I feel guilty towards people who make me work 12hours straights with no pause, who not give me time to eat at lunch and let alone dinner… Dinners do not exist, I check in at work at 07h00am and check out past 03h00am of the night after with a pause of a quarter of an hour (recorded as a full hour’s pay break) for lunch. I feel guilty towards people who stopped pay me overtimes without a word and pay me like two months later (I get my November’s pay at the start of January), people who make me felt so guilty to crush my car (after a month where I did 153 hours overtime, ya’ gonna add the normal 40hrs/week to that) and almost died that I couldn’t look them in the eyes for like five months (and didn’t speak to me for months when I came back, not even a “goodmorning” or “how are you”)… and all this because I was injured for two weeks, rather than at the health insurance, so they had to pay a penality or sometheing like that (well, EXCUSE ME if I was TIRED). I feel guilty towards people who have the time of their life screaming and denegrating the people who work for them, every sigle day, having as a hobby to take us down and tell us we are just not enough and all we care about are our paychecks and they should just get rid of us and stuff like that… 

The fact is I am so infuriating to myself to even feel this guilt, but I don’t know how to stop feelin’ that… I wish I could tell them to stop, I wish I could just rebel, I wish I could just do my 8hours/day, doing just the tasks I am payed for, and then have the courage to walk past that door, no matter if it is all done or not… I really wish I have that strength, but I… don’t… And I’m ashamed I do not.And most of all, I’m furious at myself for not being able to just let it go, fire me from that hell and get a new one. And all beacuse I’m scared they are right, maybe I’m really not enough, not good at anything and won’t be able to find anything else… Or if I find something, can I really be sure it will be different? I saw a lot of people pass before my eyes in the last three years, all of them telling me “what the hell are you doing here?���, telling me that I should just fire me and get a new job, because I deserve more, but truth is…

I’m afraid. And even if I’d love to quit this job, I’m too afraid to do it.

So… This is basically it. If you really read this far… wow… congrats! And thank you so much, even if we never talk/meet before, know that I love you and I hope today’s will be the best of your life, and that tommorrow will be even better ❤