#i was going delusional and i told him to mot give me an answer but still he end up doing just that

[whwie]

he doesn't want a relationship.

wow what a pattern with ppl I like.

me and my crush's mutual guy friend interrogated him if he wanted to date and shit and my crush said no. This guy friend of ours is like a messenger, bc my crush said to him 'here's what u can share with her' and 'here's what u can't. '

And its like dude I fucking knew, after I confessed to him I said "don't give me an answer" bc in the back of my mind I already knew what the answer was.

God why didn't he just say it to me without this messenger thing.

Fuck I mean like shit I was going to delusional and was like 'I'm going to pull him!' AND YK WHAT OUR GUY FRIEND TOLD MY CRUSH "she wants me to wingman her" AND LIKE BRO THAT WAS A JOKE/I WAS ON THE FENCE FOR THAT AND FIRST OF ALL THATS NOT HOW U WINGMAN PPL.

WHY WOULD U TELL HIM THAT GOD.

anyways I cried a lot last night and now I'm going back home for winter break.

I wished me and my crush were closer on friendly terms bc I wished he would just break my heart completely and just tell me straight up.

I get delusional everytime he looks at me.

let's hope these 3 weeks of no close proximity gets me over him.

[assbuttyourlife]

When We Were Young - Chapter Twenty-Eight

Pairing : Misha/OFC

Warnings : Language, Fire, trauma, PTSD, family members death (including child), therapy, flashbacks (not in every chapter), injuries, cheating. Sexual content. Violence. Non Con/Threats of rape. Long fic. Angst, fluff, Smut. Mention of suicide.

Words : 6344

Summary : After her grandmother’s funeral, Lily must return to the place she lived in when she was young and has to confront the ghosts of her past. She will run into an old friend that she thought was lost forever.

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Tags : @jhudawnareeves

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CHAPTER 28 - Confrontation

Mr Adams' farm was situated a few feet away across the road, hidden from the Hagen's property, which was perfect for Lily who didn't want to go back to her house without confronting the old man first.

His property was smaller, but she would have to cross his fields before she could reach his house.

He was surely old and retired now, but his business was obviously still running: the fields were full of vegetables, the fruit trees were well kept and the corn fields were all ready to grow through next season. She also could hear the horses in the stables, and on her way she crossed path with a few working farmers that she didn't know.

She had no idea if he was here, or what she would find inside of his house, what she would say, how he would react seeing her after all those years, no idea if he was still healthy enough to remember everything he did (or didn't do), but she was determined to at least try to hear him out.

She was walking through the corn field when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket for what appeared to be the hundredth time. She wasn't surprised to see Misha's name lightening her screen, but she didn't pick up.

Katie and David tried to reach her too, probably because Misha asked them where she was and why she wouldn't answer, but she didn't want to talk to anybody except for Mr Adams, at least for now. They would all have to wait.

When she heard the ringtone signifying she had another voicemail, she sighed but didn't stop walking, not bothering listening to it. She knew it was Misha being all worried and warning her she should be reasonable and call him. She didn't need this right now. She was actually tired of listening to him.

She was still mad he lied to her. Actually she was doubting everyone since she found out the truth. Dr Dorville, her psychiatrist, for example… did she know? Did she play with Lily the whole time? The corrupted doctor who took care of her at the hospital recommended Lily to Dr Dorville at the time… did he explain the whole case to her or did he lie even more?

And her grandmother… She wondered how much she knew. She signed all the medical records and she was already by her side when she woke up at the hospital. She knew everything that happened that night so she must’ve talked to someone first… Never in her life had she thought she would once doubt her own family, but here she was, drowning in her confusion.

She wondered what her mother would think now if she could see her. Would she be proud of her for getting justice? She liked thinking it was indeed the case.

Maybe she was with her right now... maybe she was guiding her steps and pushing her to do this...

She wasn't sure of anything, but she knew she would not be at peace and she couldn't live with herself until she spoke to Mr Adams. Just talk...

Her heart was pounding when she stepped on his porch, and she had to take a deep breath before pressing his doorbell.

She almost ran away when the door opened, but she didn't and came face to face with a young woman she didn't know.

“Hello. May I help you?” the woman offered politely.

She must've been in her thirties.

“Um... yes I... I'm looking for Mr Adams. Is he here?”

“He's resting. Maybe I can leave him a message?”

“Thank you but I would actually prefer talking to him. I'm... I'm an old friend. I knew him well when I was young and I just wanted to say hi since I'm in the neighborhood for a few days.”

“Oh, I see. Well maybe you can come back later? He always rests after lunch, you should be able to-”

“ PENNY WHO'S HERE? ”

Lily's heart stopped when she heard the old man grunting with his raspy voice. He sounded rude, but he must legitimately not have been very pleased to be woken up by the doorbell.

“Well aren't you a lucky one... please come in, I'll go get him.”

“Thanks.”

Lily stepped inside of the house and followed Penny to the living room where she offered her to sit on the sofa.

The house was well kept but still very rustic and dark, giving Lily a very uncomfortable feeling, and it smelled like alcohol and medicine which didn't reassure her a bit.

Penny reappeared a few minutes later, pushing Mr Adams in his wheelchair, and Lily could’ve sworn her heart stopped beating for a little while.

She was excited but terrified and mad at the same time.

Penny settled Mr Adams across the coffee table facing Lily but he didn’t look at her right away, he was too busy smiling at the young woman taking care of him.

“I’ll bring your coffee in just a minute. Can I get you anything to drink, Misses?”

Oh geez, Misses??? How old did she think Lily was exactly?

“Just a glass of water, thank you.” she politely replied.

She actually needed the water badly, she was so nervous her mouth was dry.

Mr Adams finally looked at his visitor and frowned, studying her face closely.

“You look just like your mother, Lily. Delight for my eyes.” he announced with a surprisingly sweet and sad voice. “Except for that red hair of course...”

So… He remembered. That was a good start.

She was determined not to show any emotion and stay strong. She didn’t even thank him.

“I see I don’t need to introduce myself. I’ll take that as a compliment.” she nodded with a weak smile.

“It is one. What brings you back here?”

Straight to the point… he didn't even try to pretend he thought she was dead…

“You don’t look too surprised to see me, considering...”

“Why would I be? My son told me he saw you at your property a few years ago. I’m surprised you didn’t show up at my house earlier to be honest, especially when he told me you were with Misha.”

So he knew that they knew at least a part of his plotting.

“Yes, we wanted to see what was left of the house.”

She didn’t want to dive into the drama right away.

“I thought you were here to finally sell the place.”

Of course he did… the tension in the room became thicker and thicker.

“No. I didn’t want to rush things at the time. I needed to think about it first.”

“And? Did Misha succeed making you feel guilty if you sold it?”

Lily cleared her throat and rubbed her moist palms against her jeans before taking a sip of water. She didn’t like his tone at all.

“It’s my decision, not his, he knows that. It’s officially for sale now though.”

Mr Adams chuckled and took the cup of coffee from Penny’s hand.

“Right… don’t tell me you’re here to sell it to me now, I’m too old for this and your mother’s gone so what’s the point anyway?”

“No, um… I’m here for answers actually.”

Mr Adam's eyes sparkled when she said that. She could’ve sworn he wanted to have that conversation for a long time.

“About?”

Lily side-eyed Penny who was listening to their conversation from the armchair near the fireplace, but she didn’t move and nodded at the old man. She understood there was no way their talk could be private.

“About what you did in 1990.”

He was just like stone… showing no emotion, not moving a finger, but he still had that disturbing sparkle in his eyes.

“And what do you think I did in 1990? Or should I say… What did Misha tell you I did?”

Would it be like that? Would he still blame Misha and his family for everything?

And more importantly… was he in fact right to do so?

“Why do you think Misha has to do anything with this? He doesn't even know I’m here.”

“Hah!” he chuckled. “Come on… You think I don’t know he’d been putting his nose in your business? He went everywhere in town to interview people. I’m not completely stupid, and I know he still has influence on you. I don’t know what he’s trying to do but I’m pretty sure he’s searching for trouble… as always. But tell me Lily... I know he's married now, and from what I've heard you were not the bride... how come you still hang out with him?”

He must've been upset his plan to separate them failed, and to be honest, Lily felt something close to satisfaction knowing he screwed up with that part of the story.

“I understand your surprise, Sir... someone in town was very determined to spread the rumor we all died in the fire. Call it a miracle or... destiny, who knows?”

The old farmer chuckles sarcastically. “My poor child, you're so delusional. He got you good, huh?”

Lily started to feel anger rising in her chest and that wasn’t good because she didn't know how long she could contain herself.

“Why? Why do you hate him that much? Why do you hate Rebecca? Why did you twist the truth to make them disappear? I don’t understand.”

Mr Adams gave her his best fat laugh. It almost scared Lily.

“See? They still have influence on you. You’re blind and clueless, little girl. He will destroy what’s left of your family… which is your properties first… and then you. You have nothing else left anyway. And by the way who said I did anything?”

She clenched her teeth and tried to stay calm.

“You’re not answering my questions.” she firmly pointed.

“And I won’t. You’re accusing me with no proof, just because your dumb teen crush told you what he wanted you to believe so he would look like the hero. Be careful Lily, I warned your mother back then, I’ll say it to you too: when the Krushnics will have what they want from you, they will destroy you just like they destroyed Mary. And they’re half way done already from what I can see.”

What was that supposed to mean? She clenched her teeth and her nostrils flared. He was infuriating.

She had some proof though...

“I found the letters you sent to my mom.”

“And? Did it burst your little bubble? I truly loved your mother, Lily, and if Rebecca hadn't been here, I'm certain she would still be alive today, and we'd probably be happy together. If someone's responsible for your family's death, it's not me. Look somewhere else.”

Lily's eyes widened a little and she clenched on her glass.

No... Rebecca would never hurt her mother... It was not possible... or was it?

When he saw her reaction, Mr Adams laughed so hard that it made him cough and Penny immediately stood up to help him.

Lily could feel the sting in her eyes, but she fought with herself not to show him how she felt.

“Look at you! You should’ve talked to her at least before coming to me, sweetheart… there are probably a million things she didn’t share with you… same for Misha.”

Ugh! He called her 'sweetheart' and her stomach twisted. She hated it!

“You’re searching in the wrong place. I won’t tell you more. I loved and respected your mother enough to warn her, she didn’t listen. You’re exactly like her… But I still owe her to protect you too. Run Lily, run far away from that hippie family as fast as you can and never look back. That's all I can do for you today.”

God she was even more confused than before she came here and she had zero information, just more doubts!

“I need to rest now if you don’t mind… Penny?”

“Wait! You can't just-”

“I'm too old for this, I can do whatever the hell I want. If you decide to not listen to me, that's your problem, not mine. I'm done.”

He nodded at his caretaker and she stood up immediately, bringing the old man and his answers away from Lily.

***

She woke up early the next morning, all sweaty and panting from the nightmare she just had.

It was the same nightmare she always had, even years after the 1990 events. She hadn't dreamed about that for something like a decade, but it came back that night after she spoke to Mr Adams.

She was locked outside her burning house and all she could hear were the screams of her family and Misha dying inside, calling her name. She could do nothing except screaming back at them and as hard as she was trying to get inside of the house, she had never been able to.

She had to take deep breaths and study the room she was in before realizing where she was. She forgot she was still in Litchfield, staying at the same hotel she shared with Misha when they came here together a couple years ago.

She got out of the bed to go take a shower and went downstairs at the restaurant after hearing the atrocious noises her stomach made. She was so disturbed and so tired yesterday that she didn’t even think about eating something.

She checked her phone quickly while eating her pancakes and wasn’t surprised to see the dozens of missed calls/voicemails/texts she received from Katie and Misha. She didn’t read everything, she knew it was just full of where are you? and why aren’t you answering your damn phone?

It was time to clear her mind now, so she decided to go to Brooke Park to take a long walk in the nature, just like she used to do with her grandfather.

She took her time and walked the whole morning. It was so peaceful, which was exactly what she needed to think.

Problem was, she still didn’t know what to think about that messed up story. She was still as lost as when she left Seattle, if not more.

She wanted to trust Misha and his family because her mother did so she felt like it was the right thing to do… but what if her mother was wrong after all? They hid very important information from her, about her own family. They had no right to do that, it wasn’t something easy to ignore. Plus she was pretty sure they still knew things she didn’t and the simple fact that they weren’t speaking was enough to make her angry. She was supposed to know everything that happened, it was her life, her past, her family.

Maybe she would just have to take a step back from them after all... including Misha.

But she loved them so much...

And then there was Mr Adams who clearly loved her mother, and hated Rebecca and Misha for some obscure reasons. But then again... did he know something she didn't? Was there a darker side in Rebecca's life that she didn't know about because they hid it to her her whole life?

She sat on a bench without thinking where she was, she was just tired of walking after a while, but when she looked up to observe the nature around her, she saw she was sitting on the exact same bench she was with Misha when she won the bike race, right before they had to run to the hospital for his appendectomy. She smiled weakly and slowly shook her head remembering that story.

“I knew I'd find you here.”

Lily didn't even look at him, she closed her eyes and sighed deeply. Of course he flew here... of course he found her... of course he had to insist.

Misha sat next to her and waited, crossing his arms but not saying anything. He seemed calm and in peace with himself... exactly the opposite of Lily.

“You're very quiet for someone who keeps calling and texting.” she sarcastically pointed out.

“Yeah... I kinda figured you didn't want to talk. But do you have the slightest idea about how worried I was?”

Huh... maybe it was just a facade then, he sounded actually worried. But... worried about what? Her flying away from him without a word or... her finding out the truth?

She scoffed. “I'm a big girl now, Misha.”

“You may be an adult, yeah... but you're acting like a child. I was worried sick, Lily! You could've at least told Katie where you were going so I would stop imagining the worst when I was actually supposed to work!” he raised his voice a little, unable to contain and hide his anger anymore. “And if you came here to talk to Mr Adams, I suppose you're not as smart as I thought either... especially when you promised me you wouldn't.”

She turned to look at him, narrowing her eyes. He looked pained and... furious now. All the muscles in his face were tensed, his jaw clenched, his eyes dark. The hint of sadness reappeared in his gaze too...

“Why? Are you afraid about what I could've learned?”

She saw him clench his teeth even stronger, obviously filtering his next words in his head to avoid saying something he would regret.

“You mean about me or my family? No, Lily... I'm not afraid, you already know everything you need to.”

“Oh... and who decides what I need to know about my own family then? You? Because that's exactly what you did.” she spat venomously.

Misha rubbed his face and sighed in his hands.

“Have you been to his house yet? Have you talked to him?”

“What difference does it make?” she was looking everywhere but in his direction.

He was slowly starting to be tired of her little game, she was not answering him and she was clearly distrustful right now, but he needed her to talk. He needed to know what was going on in her head.

“Why don't you just answer the question? Or better... why don't you tell me what you think I did, or what you think I'm responsible for... it will be faster that way.”

She puffed and looked down at her shoes.

“I don't know what to think anymore, Misha. You lied to me. Everybody lied to me pretty much my entire life. I don't know who to trust anymore. It's that simple. I thought I knew you, I thought I knew everything about your family, I thought I knew my mom, my grandmother... and it turns out I was wrong.” her voice was shaky as she was on the edge of tears.

Misha didn't reply, still leaning on the bench with his arms crossed.

“I did talk to Mr Adams.” she confessed, still without looking at him.

“Was it helpful?”

“No... he didn't say much. I just realized he really hates you and your mom. He didn't clearly say why though, and I have to admit I'm a bit curious.”

Misha uncrossed his arms and bent over a little so he could see her face, but she was still avoiding his gaze.

“We were living for free in the huge farm he wanted to buy, and your mother trusted us more than him despite his love for her... that's why.” he laughed bitterly shaking his head.

“Is that it?” she was a little surprised... she didn't know someone could hate people and be that mean for such a lame reason.

Misha lolled his head “Well... I wasn't exactly the neighbor of the year, especially when Darius was involved but... does it justify what he did?”

She didn't answer because she didn't know what to say. Mr Adams never admitted he started that fire in 1990.

Misha immediately understood why she was so silent.

“Of course... that's only my word, right? And you don't trust me anymore. You know... I've been mistrusted my whole childhood, and disliked later, everybody was judging me on my lifestyle and not for who I was, but I never thought you'd be one of those people. I thought you knew who I really am.”

She closed her eyes, ashamed of herself. If her grandfather was here right now, he probably would be ashamed of her too, that's the exact opposite of what he had taught her. But still, she couldn't help the awful feeling he betrayed her and was still hiding things from her.

“So what now, huh? What's going to happen for us?” Misha sighed shakily, visibly scared of what she would reply now.

Lily shut her eyes tight. “I don't know... I... I think I need to step back from all of this for a while or I'll end up crazy.” she swallowed the huge lump forming in her throat, not believing what she was about to say to the man she loved more than anything.

That was exactly what Misha didn't want to hear, and he had trouble keeping a straight face, tears threatening to fall already.

“Is that really what you want?” He almost whispered. If he had talked louder, he probably would've broken down in front of her.

But if it was deeply what she needed, he would stand down too, but not without fighting first.

“Yes... I have to, I'm sorry.” tears poured down her face when she opened her eyes, but she was totally unable to look at him when she said that. She needed to go, but she still loved him, and it still hurt.

Misha wiped the tears from his face quickly.

“Have you gone to the farm yet?” he suddenly asked with a determined voice.

She looked at him with a puzzled look, surprised by the sudden change of conversation.

“Uh... No. I didn't plan to, But-”

He stood up fast, stepped in front of her and offered his hand to her. “Can I show you something? If you wanna go after that, I'll let you go. Promise.”

She frowned, looking at his hand waiting for her.

“What now?” she sighed.

“Please. It won't be long.”

She looked around her hesitant but finally accepted his hand and stood up.

She owed him that at least.

***

In the car, she tried to ask him why he was taking her to the farm, but Misha stayed quiet or replied vaguely. He just said she needed her to see something before taking her final decision.

Oddly, it didn't comfort her at all, it just meant she was right: he was indeed hiding more from her. She was a little scared about what she would find there, and why Misha was being so secretive about all of this.

He stopped the rental car at the end of the road as usual and waited for her to make a move.

“I don't understand what we're doing here” she admitted. “I thought our last trip was the end of all of this.”

Misha looked outside, following the main path with a sad look.

“Yeah... for you maybe. I just want to show you something. After that, it will be over and we won't come back, if that's what you want, but you have to see it first.”

And just like that, she was even more terrified!

She sighed. “Okay, fine... Let's get this over with.”

She went out of the car and Misha led her to the main path. They walked in silence, side by side, and when Lily finally found the strength to look around her instead of staring at her shoes, they were already at the cross path between the pond and the cottage. She could've sworn something had changed since the last time she was here, and she had a very weird feeling but she couldn't put her finger on it.

She didn't say anything at first, but when they arrived at the orchard, she couldn't hide her feelings.

“Hey! Do you see that? It looks like it's been weeded... last time we were here it was a terrible mess!”

Misha simply smiled. “Yes. It's been weeded. Keep walking.”

He kept walking even if Lily stopped to study the area. He didn't sound surprised, which was not good, and she had to run to catch up with him to ask him why.

“Hey! Why do you run like that? What's going on here? Who came here to weed the orchard? Is is Mr Adams?”

Of course Misha didn't answer. “Keep walking, Lily.”

She stopped and crossed her arms. “I'm not taking another step until you tell me what the fuck is going on with MY fucking property!”

She was so angry and so tired of all his lies and secrets, she would have answers, and he would answer now!

Misha stopped and turned around to look at her.

“You and your attitude...” he sighed. “Do I have to carry you? You won't believe me if I tell you everything now, so you keep walking or I'll take care of it.”

He stared at her with an insisting and very intimidating, (but still extremely sexy) dark look in his eyes.

“And don't even think about running away, I run faster, you have no chance.”

Lily scoffed.

“Asshole.” she quietly mumbled when she resigned to walk again.

“You'll pay for that.” Misha warned.

 Oh... he heard.

He playfully slapped her butt when she walked passed him.

“Did you just-”

“Walk!” he laughed. What was with this place making him so... childish!?

She walked so fast for the rest of the way that she was panting when they arrived in front of the main house where Misha finally stopped.

“Will you at least look at it?” he noticed Lily was looking everywhere but the house. She was currently bending over to catch her breath. He knew she was terrified but insisted anyway.

She rolled her eyes, slowly straightening to take a look at her former home.

“Really this is getting ridic-”

She couldn't talk anymore, the air escaped her lungs too fast when she saw her old house completely restored.

Nothing was burnt anymore, everything was clean and painted, the tower was rebuilt, nothing was broken, and the landscape was perfectly tended outside.

It felt like she stepped back in 1990.

“What the... Mi-” she swallowed his name, unable to talk more.

“Alright... don't be mad at me before I explain everything, deal?”

“YOU DID THIS???” she screamed, her eyes popping out of her head.

“Lily... you're being mad at me.” he fairly pointed out.

Actually she didn't know if she was mad, angry, sad, confused, scared, nostalgic or grateful at that moment. She was a walking wreck of emotions.

“I'm... I... Misha what...” she sighed in defeat. Trying to form a sentence was useless right now.

Misha took her hand and realized how shaky she was.

“No, I didn't do this... Well at least not alone. Can we sit a moment?” he offered and sat on the wooden bench near the main entrance.

She followed him and was grateful to sit because she wasn't sure her legs could hold her any longer. When she sat facing the house, the tears ran down her face without her being able to control them, but she tried to sniffle them back.

“I... I really was upset about you planning to sell this place so I talked to my mom and Sasha and they were surprised I wasn't the first one thinking about buying the place. I have to admit it didn't even cross my mind, I don't know why... probably because it will always be yours to me.”

“You... you bought it?”

He chuckled weakly “No, not really. I asked my fans for help actually... Random Acts bought it with their help, and some of them are working with the volunteers to rebuild it. It's not done yet, but they've done a great job so far, don't you think?”

So that's why she had no idea who made the offer a few months earlier...

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because I knew you wouldn't be happy about it until you see the house completely done. It was originally planned for next spring, I wanted to show it to you for your next birthday. It would've also given me more time to find the answers we're still seeking.”

She shook her head and wiped the tears from her face with the back of her sleeve.

“I never signed any papers allowing this...” she raised an accusatory eyebrow toward him.

“Yeah um... I know but you were about to and you were not supposed to see it now so...”

“So you tricked me.” she finished his sentence harshly.

“If that's the way you wanna see it...”

She closed her eyes and shook her head before looking back at her house.

“Misha... you live at the opposite of the continent, what will you do with such a huge property?”

“That's the good part actually” he smiled tenderly. “One of the volunteers working for Random Acts, Lucy, has a project, she wants to create a shelter home for kids and teens. My mom wanna help too. It's the perfect place, Lily... they can work on the farm and live here until they're old enough to start a life on their own.”

She thought about it for a moment and she had to admit it was theoretically really not a bad idea. It actually even felt way better than selling it.

“I told her we would have to wait for your consent of course, but I actually love the idea. This place was everything to me and my brother when we were teens, I guess it would make a huge difference for other young people in need too.”

“I... I don't know what to say.”

He took her hand.

“Don't say anything then... Do you want to look inside? A few rooms are ready, not everything though, but we can definitely visit.”

She looked at him and couldn't turn her gaze away from him all of a sudden.

“I can't believe you did this...” she whispered.

He didn't know if she was happy, sad or mad at that moment.

“Well... I knew you wouldn't do it, but I also know selling the place doesn't feel right to you.”

She never talked about that with him, nobody knew she hated the idea of selling... he just knew her too well, and at that moment she felt like her heart exploded with love for this man, swiping all the secrets he kept from her.

Misha stood up and led her to the front door.

“Uh... do you have the key?” he asked a little embarrassed, scratching the back of his head.

“What? You fucking bought the place, you should have the key!”

“Yes, I should... except Lucy has all the keys and nobody's working here this week because we're waiting for some materials' delivery... and since I left Vancouver in a hurry to find you without planning to show you all of this, I didn't take my keys.”

Her face suddenly fell and her eyes popped out.

“Aren't you supposed to film right now???”

“I am... but like I said... I was fucking worried.”

He left the Supernatural set during filming to jump in a plane to find her??? He was probably in trouble because of her...

“I'm sorry...” she whispered and covered her mouth with her hand.

“It's fine, don't worry. But I'll have to go back tomorrow or they'll probably kill Cas for good this time.” he laughed.

Lily chuckled nervously, opened her purse and handed him the key. He opened the door but didn't step in.

“After you.” he offered.

She looked inside and her heart was pounding so hard she thought everybody could hear it in America at least. She stopped in the entry, shocked by what she was looking at.

The wooden stairs were rebuilt and all clean, the high sculpture of two dogs was proudly decorating the room, the same exact paintings were hanging on the dark yellow walls, the old suitcases were still waiting under the stairs, the steel vase was on the small table in the archway except there was no flower in it... everything was exactly like it was in 1990.

“Holy shit...”

“I wanted it to look like I remembered it.”

She didn't say more, she slowly walked further to the kitchen. The white counters, the double stove, the huge silver fridge, the marble center counter with the big pots under, the books, the bar with the view to the backyard, the stools... everything was here!

“Misha how... how did you do that? It looks exactly how we left it!”

“Lots of people and patience, very determined fans, good cleaning tools... and a bit of money does help.” he chuckled. “the breakfast room and Ryan's bedroom are not ready yet though.”

Ryan... God if Ryan could see this... if he could still run inside the house, sliding on the long marble halls laughing his ass off...

“There is something I want you to see.”

Lily chuckled “Something else you mean.”

Misha smiled and took her hand to guide her up the tower stairs. Those same stairs that completely burnt and collapsed trapping her mother while she tried to save her children. It even cracked the same way when they stepped on it.

They arrived in the tower, in front of what was her old bedroom. It smelled like fresh paint and fresh wood though.

“They can do whatever they want with the other rooms, but I wanted to do this one myself...”

He pushed the door open before her and she completely broke down crying as soon as she stepped inside.

Of course he had to rebuilt it the exact same way, with the same bed,the same patchwork blanket laying on it, the white sheets, the light garland that made it look like little fireflies, even the dream-catcher she made with her grandfather was hanging on the wall among the pictures of her family.

“Oh my God...” she whispered shakily.

Misha walked right behind her and wrapped his arms around Lily, burying his face in her neck. She raised a hand and placed it on his arm around her when she felt his warm tears running down her skin, so she turned around and hugged him tight.

“Since that fucking night in 1990 I hoped I could come back in this room with you and I knew it wasn't possible... until I ran into you at the airport and you told me you still owned the place. I had to do this, and I had to be here with you at least one last time to say fuck to fate. Now you can decide whatever you want, you can do whatever you want, my impossible dream came true, I'll be okay now.”

Lily sobbed in his arms, holding tight on his chest, unable to speak.

“I can say fuck to Mr Adams at the same time... because he definitely tried to stop me and that's one more reason for him to hate me, but I don't care.”

He pulled away from her just a bit to study her reaction. They chuckled at the same time when they both saw their wet faces.

“Are you mad?”

Lily scoffed “I'm not certain I can define my emotions right now. Look at that! I feel like I'm sixteen again, but without the drama. I just... I can't believe you did this.” she was just amazed and shocked.

“There is absolutely nothing I wouldn't do for you, Miss Hagen, you should know that.”

He tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, leaned his head and softly kissed her lips, savoring every second of it. It's been a whole week since they haven't been that close to each other, and Lily had to admit it felt incredibly good to feel him close.

They pulled away but Lily couldn't open her eyes.

“So this is it. Now if you still want to go without me, I will respect your decision, even if I really don't want to.” he swallowed the lump in his throat.

She opened her teary eyes and stepped away from him, walking toward the window to look outside absentmindedly. The view from her room was stunning, she could see the woods and as it was high, she could even see the orchard. It was a very strange sensation to be here after so long, she was forty years old but felt like she was still a teenager inside. The only thing that was missing were her mom and Ryan.

And just like that, she remembered why she came here in the first place, and that someone was responsible for her family's death, Mr Adam's words resonating in her head.

"He will destroy what's left of your family, which are your properties first... and then you."

Silence became thick and heavy in Lily's old bedroom. Misha didn't dare talking nor moving, too afraid of what she would say next. He just stood there, facing her back and trying to contain his nervousness while she was looking outside.

It was time to make her decision. Sometimes it's easy, and sometimes doing the right thing hurts like a bitch.

This time she knew exactly what the right thing to do was.

[ahouseoflies]

Best Films of 2017, Part IV

We’re getting closer. Part I, Part II, Part III. GOOD MOVIES 42. A Quiet Passion (Terence Davies)- I think the biggest strength of this film, a pretty conventional one by Davies's standards, is a drive inward that is steady but not judgmental. Dickinson's retreat isn't treated as tragedy, but as a natural trajectory that was there in the first scene. (A lot of the heavy lifting is done by Emma Bell, the actress who plays young Emily with constancy.) The life of the mind is a lonely one, but there isn't much choice in the matter. The film moves along in a leisurely way, matching the long days of such privileged people, and it's funny until the bon mots drift into Frank Underwood territory that doesn't make sense. And the parts of the movie that don't work, the ones that succumb to the biopic mold, feel like that: told in the cadence of a joke but a bit empty. 41. Stronger (David Gordon Green)- For most of its running time, Stronger is a raw film bolstered by searing, sharply felt lead performances. It doesn't take the easy way out or succumb to cliche, suggesting that, gasp, maybe being a symbol for an entire city could be exhausting and frustrating. Then, quite quickly, it gives in to all of the cliches. The conversation with Carlos would have been an awesome deleted scene. 40. Split (M. Night Shyamalan)- Shyamalan flat-out knows how to make this kind of movie. It's not without its faults--can you even complain about his tendency to cast himself anymore?--but his cross-cutting game hasn't slipped a beat. The film is composed and patient, but it doesn't trespass the self-indulgent line the way that some of his earlier work does. Some of the abuse stuff is handled clumsily, but I suppose it has to match the touch of the psychology material, which can only be breezy and flippant. Here's what's different about the filmmaker's approach: Shyamalan hasn't guided many actors to great performances. (I guess Haley Joel Osment is still number one.) But this movie is James McAvoy's performance. He gets to have fun technically by switching back and forth among the personas, but the serious business is the fact that the whole thing's tone rests on his shoulders. Like many successful B movies, it has a fluidity that allows the audience to laugh at it, laugh with it, or be genuinely scared--sometimes in a span of minutes. If McAvoy hadn't gone all the way, the movie wouldn't have been able to.

39. Molly’s Game (Aaron Sorkin)- This movie has a lot of the things that make me love movies. A scene in which someone flushes drugs down the toilet and hides valuables because the feds are coming. Self-effacing but rousing speeches that reference classic literature. An "I'm good for it" sequence dedicated to someone's gambling downward spiral. Cleavage. But all of the things I'm describing are window dressing, and this is maybe the first Aaron Sorkin screenplay that has more fat than meat, as tasty as that fat may be. The film's thesis shines in Idris Elba's strangely-accented monologue, the one that starts with "Is this what a RICO suspect looks like?" It seems to suggest that the world is indeed rigged against women, but it might be because they have more integrity than men, which makes it more difficult for them to succeed. It's an interesting notion, and the figure at the center of the film might be perfect to prove it, but there are so many flashbacks and scenes that feel obligatory to get us there. 38. Star Wars: The Last Jedi (Rian Johnson)- Good, if micro-managed in the way that a film-as-shareholder-commodity has to be. It's interesting to me that, though there are only nine movies that take place in this universe, the storytelling is more codified than any other genre I can think of. Even though it's less clinical than The Force Awakens, The Last Jedi has to jump through an inordinate number of hoops to be "a Star Wars movie." No matter how these are sold, they all have the same beats. That history is a gift in some ways. Even though we haven't heard from him in thirty-plus years, Jedi Master Luke's personality tracks in every way. It makes total sense how he would hold people up as symbols instead of personalities, and the movie benefits from the archetypes its predecessors have created. On the other hand, I think we spend thirty minutes on a mission that fails, and the movie hangs Finn out to dry. It's a sort of Empire mandate that the characters have to be separated from one another for the majority of the running time, and that makes for a strained middle section. I get that people like these movies because they're engineered and manicured for maximum pleasure, and I cherish the goofy bits like the drunk creature thinking BB-8 is a slot machine. Maybe these just aren't for me. Until I cry at the end. 37. Win It All (Joe Swanberg)- It ends abruptly and doesn't get as psychological as it could, but Win It All is designed for maximum pleasure. There are a few inventive gestures that make for a jaunty hang--I loved the superimposed counter that showed how up or down Eddie's bankroll was. Jake Johnson, who co-wrote, has real rakish chops. 36. American Made (Doug Liman)- It's helpful to compare this movie to T.C.'s summer disaster The Mummy, which cast him as a static rake. Doug Liman presents the same smiling mug, but he punches a few holes into the persona, letting us see the shortcomings of T.C.'s Barry Seal if not the delusional quality that the actual man must have had. (The movie tries to sell us on boredom as the main motivation for a near-suicide mission, but it was probably more complex than that.) The actor is at his best when he lets himself seems slightly dumb, when the audience is a few steps ahead of him. Luckily, that's the whole film. It helps that this is the first Liman movie since the original Bourne Identity to have a vibrant "stolen" quality to its visuals. American Made careens through its beats at a breakneck pace, and the biggest flaw of the movie is that it remains that fast at the end, when we need more answers. 35. Mudbound (Dee Rees)- A true ensemble, Mudbound has a deft hand with its own emotional effects. Dee Rees knows the moments that matter--the reunion of father and son after the War is unforgettable--and she nails them. The ending is a poignant culmination of a lot of momentum. Much of the film's success comes from real Movie Stars, Jason Mitchell chief among them, elevating their characters past types though. And some of them don't get there all the way. Jason Clarke's Henry is pretty much Unfeeling Man's Man Farmer and Jonathan Banks is totally Racist Pappy. (Not a joke: His character is actually called Pappy.) In the end, I can't help but suspect that similar characters and situations--he drinks to forget what he's seen!--haven't been staged better elsewhere.

34. Raw (Julia Ducournau)- These types of movies--by that I mean late New French Extremity, I guess--have to go too far. If they didn't, they would lose the perverse aesthetic high ground that they're all so smug about. So it goes too far, but I would like to show Raw to someone making, say, an X-Men movie because Julia Ducournau crafts more immersive world-building in twenty minutes than some of those movies do in multiple entries. The beginning was jagged, but when the storytelling settled into itself, it reminded me of Repulsion because the taboo that guides Raw starts out as a metaphor, then becomes a device, then becomes literal, and then it circles back around to metaphor. Maybe that journey is the reason it exists.  33. Get Out (Jordan Peele)- I saw this movie twice. The first time I was kind of cavalier about it. The line I said at parties was: “I personally prefer genre movies that let you attach social commentary to them. The subtext is the text here.”  Knowing the film's secrets the second time around helped me to appreciate the performances better, especially in the powerhouse hypnotism scene. Kaluuya has to play an everyman but also, for obvious reasons, an everyman who stands out. The balance of vulnerability and heroism that he pulls off is impressive, armed with a fake-smile that is perfect for the micro-aggressions he has to stand and take. Chris embodies a civility that lets him stay in the house past his level of comfort, but he’s smart enough to insist on leaving when some horror protagonists would get illogical. I still think the film escalates a bit too quickly from suspicion to actual danger, and, man, I don't know what that TSA investigation tangent is doing at such a crucial moment. But I'll admit that I didn't give the film enough credit in February. Comedies of manners are common; horrors of manners are rare. 32. Logan Lucky (Steven Soderbergh)- From a screenwriting perspective, there are probably two schools of thought for heist movies. Approach A outlines every detail of the plan; that way, when the characters overcome their challenges, we are more impressed because we were warned of the dangers in advance. Approach B leaves the viewer in suspense, and the hurdles pop up for the viewer in a way that mirrors the characters' surprise. I prefer Approach A, and I think there's a degree of difficulty that can't be discounted there. In fact, there's a sort of joy of exposition that is unique to the heist genre and jives with Approach A. Logan Lucky operates mostly on plane B, and it frustrated me at first in what seems like a sterile, straight first act. But then, as I try to avoid spoilers, it goes so far past what we thought the heist would be, and it branches out into Soderberghian "what was actually happening during that time" territory. I had to re-evaluate my prejudices as I joined in on the fun. Despite the inevitable "What It Did Wrong" YouTubes that some killjoy will make, I didn't notice any narrative cheating. Daniel Craig is the eye in the zany storm. 31. The Big Sick (Michael Showalter)- I feel slightly diminishing returns with each super-autobiographical portrait of a comedian. As heart-wrenching as this one gets, it follows the beats that we're used to, right down to the rock-bottom argument with a fast food cashier. Cue the twenty different endings and the uninspired visual style. But why be a sour-puss when faced with a movie so sincere and eager to please? Besides keeping all of the subplot plates spinning, besides being fair to the female character, the film offers original moments and ideas. The triangle that emerges among Nanjiani, Romano, and Hunter authentically captures the way decorum frost melts once two generations realize their common ground. And "the movie that a guy shows a girl to test her taste on a third date" is something that I myself am guilty of, but I haven't seen it portrayed in a film. What isn't unique in the big structural picture is completely unique in certain moments. 30. The Belko Experiment (Greg McLean)- Its ending is only "good enough," but The Belko Experiment is my kind of ultraviolent trash. I would be perfectly happy if we could get the White Stripes of Experiment movies on odd years and alternate them with The Strokes of Purge movies on even years. For one reason or another, empathy machine John Gallagher, Jr. is still in his Hi, Mom! or Gang That Couldn't Shoot Straight phase. When he gets his Taxi Driver, watch out.

29. The Lego Batman Movie (Chris McKay)- I laughed twice during the opening production logos. Of course it devolves into everyone teaming up to save the city, as the straight versions of these movies do, but The Lego Batman Movie, especially in its lower stakes first half, was one of the funniest films of the year. I'm kind of thrilled that the satirizing of tropes I cherished from the margins in the '90s is now de rigeur, sponsored by the same studio that has shoved cliches down our throats. Will Arnett deserves special mention for inhabiting this specific version of Batman so well that he makes you rethink 70+ years of the character's make-up. It's no small feat. This movie, yes, probably counts as a slip-up of my superhero ban. I didn’t realize that until I was halfway through.

28. A Cure for Wellness (Gore Verbinski)- This is a difficult film to recommend because, if the person you're talking to cares only about story, he won't like it. It's strained and sometimes illogical, a "you can never leave" story that has been around the block a few times. But look out for the Miami Viceans on here when this film gets reconsidered for its visuals because, I'm telling you now, A Cure for Wellness has the most stately and controlled images this side of Kubrick. It's a perfect reference Blu-Ray if you still care about such things. Verbinski is credited with the story, and I doubt he told the screenwriter much more than "water, wrinkled faces, the color white," but he does some things with that sandbox that I haven't seen before. 27. It Comes at Night (Trey Edward Shults)- It Comes at Night never completely explains its own horror conceit of encroaching "sickness"; even by the end, there's a lot that we don't know about the apparently apocalyptic event that has singled out the characters. That presence of an absence is the film's greatest strength--it allows us to attach to the human frailty at the center without distraction. However, it's the film's greatest weakness as well because it's what keeps the proceedings small, like a cost-cutting measure. In capturing bleak human frailty, Trey Edward Shults knows exactly what he's doing. He uses literal darkness to suggest emotional darkness, and his script guides the viewer along character arcs without holding anyone's hand. A character uses the word "brother-in-law" instead of "brother" and, because of the context, it produces as much of a gasp as a gunshot would. I didn't recognize Riley Keough at first, which is an excellent sign for a young actress. There's a moment when her character catches another character eyeing her breasts, and she tugs her shirt with a unique mixture of flattery and shame. I can't wait to see what she does next. 26. Wind River (Taylor Sheridan)- If a movie has a scene of #RennerSeason making his own bullets, then my fingers won't let me give it lower than three stars. He's amazing/hilarious in this as the know-it-all spirit warrior--basically Steven Seagal in a better actor's body. He's perfect for squinting and selling lines like, "You keep looking for clues...but you're missing all the signs." Taylor Sheridan's screenplay is tight and meticulous in a way that we used to get all the time but feels special now. The backstory is doled out with care, and every character is rich enough to get a moment to shine. He shoots his own material with less visceral impact than someone like Denis Villeneuve did, but he does lend a specific sense of place to the film.There's a crucial late scene that sort of solves the mystery for us, making everything that comes after seem like falling action baggage. Your mileage may vary, but I'm not sure there are other ways to get across the information. I was okay with it. 25. The Post (Steven Spielberg)- The Post is a great time at the movies, but it's ultimately a bit too much of a movie for me. It has a hand-held lightness to its look, an energy that belies how quickly it was made. Streep's Kate Graham has a satisfying arc that eschews a lot of the grandstanding that this type of picture would normally lend her. Her lesson in confidence is laid on thickly, but Streep doesn't play it that way. Unfortunately some of the brusqueness I like in the filmmaking carries over to the screenplay. It offers few of the laughs-in-crisis that make individual Spielberg scenes so good, and most of the conflicts resolve themselves just a little too easily. ("I wonder if the guy I think has the papers actually has them...yep, after a few calls, I found out he does.") The less said about the cartoonish Vietnam protestors and the CCR needle-drop, the better. Overall, do I prefer the lean, realistic version of this story over the more belabored, showy version? Sure.

24. The Work (Jairus McLeary, Gethin Aldous)- The Work is undeniably raw, pure, and effective in the emotion it documents and generates. The access given to the filmmakers as they capture a group therapy program in Folsom State Prison is unbelievable. But for that reason, there's something on the margins of the film that feels exploitative and violating to me. I'm interested in how Bloods and Aryans console each other, not to mention how the most damaged figure is not a prisoner at all. But I get the sense I shouldn't be watching any of this. 23. Marjorie Prime (Michael Almereyda)- I like everything that this chamber piece specifies and everything that it decides to leave vague. The film is unsentimental, considering how sentimental this premise could be. It seems bent on reminding us, sometimes tragically, about how we shape our own memories until the original moment is gone in every way. I'll admit that it seems a little slight by the end, despite the weight suggested by what I just described. Even when it's surprising you, the film never writes in capital letters, and part of that feeling comes from bland visuals. But that's a small complaint for a film that is grappling so palpably with the challenges of authenticity in modern life.