#i was bullied in elementary somewhat by like one person who at some point apologized to me. barely remember it.

[sometimesiammybpd]

quick mention: i have already written one post somewhat on being aromantic. i honestly forgot about this, but here's that if you wanna read. this will cross over on certain things i've mentioned there and other posts because of the more general topic. don't mean to repeat myself, but this is all still so new to me and i want to understand it better and this helps /gen.

this post is gonna be both about what it's like to have hypersexuality, but also what it's like for me as someone who is aromantic because to me they go hand in hand. not great at intros lmao.

anyways hi. not really in the bestest of moods while writing this, so i apologize if it comes off a bit brash or something. idk. it's 5 (almost 6) am for me when writing so like. that's probably why. probably. i wanna talk about being aromantic first because that's the more complicated one for me personally and it's the one that honestly still bothers me. i didn't realize i was aromantic until this year. more specifically, a few months ago. for, i think 3 years now, i'd assumed i was demiromantic because i thought i was still having crushes on people. real "i could imagine my entire life with you" crushes, which i wasn't. that i'll go into obviously. but as i've spent time looking back on things because of all that just falls into place for me with the aro label, i realize it wasn't there from the start. don't get me wrong though. crushes were not common for me as a kid.

i really do think i was demiromantic until about a year ago. because when i was younger, i didn't feel anything towards anyone. i didn't even think i had a sexuality because i didn't like girls or boys. there's stuff i won't get into right now, but by late elementary - early middle, i was getting bullied heavily and they were starting to get so fixated on who likes who and all that bullshit. which did come back to me because at certain points, they would walk to me and ask who i liked. if i didn't have an answer, they'd bully me more. so i started to keep a mental list of sorts. it's creepy to say honestly, even with context, but this is what worked because it was either this or just have everything get worse. it wasn't anything bad, i would just choose a girl and she'd be my "crush" should they ask. each year would be a different girl and it was just to not have things get worse (they eventually did anyways). but by like 7th grade, i thought it was just normal. i mean. kinda. i wanted to believe it was, but this was also when i started to spiral for the first time and so i was already deep into self-hatred, self-destructive tendencies, shit like that. so not only could it NOT be normal according to my mind but if i wasn't the person i was, maybe it'd be different. shit like that.

8th grade was the first time i ever did feel a crush on someone. and i knew it was actually a crush and not some confused emotion. it was towards my closest friend at the time and lasted years. i think when i first started to bring this (the realization of being aro) up to my friends, i stuck this under the "hyperfixation" category, which it was. but it was also a real crush. and honestly, it was the first time i ever felt normal. because normal people get crushes and want to date. that's what i was always told and that's what i thought needed to happen. and it led me to pursue her for longer than i ever should have. she couldn't date because of her parents but there's no way in hell i would have been a good partner at the time anyways. regardless, i pursued it through sophomore year of high school. the history between me and her is too rough to talk about outside of that, but yeah. and i think i know why. i mention wanting to feel normal a lot. at the time i really did. because to me, i didn't know myself. i grew up heavily conservative and christian (although the christianity part never stuck) and it really did form a mental relationship between feeling the way i did and stuff like being gay or bi that was so unhealthy. as i went through high school, the friends i met pushed me further left which did help when it came to this. because i remember watching love, simon at 15 (i liked the movie so shut it /hj) and watching him fall in love at the end, i cried. because i wanted that. but honestly i don't know if i did at the same time.

it all felt so unreasonably scary and outside of the unnamed friend, i never felt anything towards anyone like that. at least until jake entered the picture (fake name, separate post coming later). for the quickest context, he was 19 when i met him and by this point around 20-21. i fell in love with him. i don't even know why but i really did. multiple times. it was the first time i couldn't get rid of a crush, which was a new and very NOT fun experience. and when we finally did date, it was three days of him refusing to talk to me and then breaking up with me and blaming me. it was not fun. i think this was the first time that something romantic fucked me up because i didn't really trust anyone after this until i met nathan. and if you read the post about him, you know how that went. point being, that fucked me up more. and then i had another friend after nathan and before the one i met through bumble that also fucked me up more. and that's kinda what got me to want to write this post in the first place outside of the hypersexuaity part (comes later). i know i said in the last post how unsure i felt about relationships. and i won't say that's not untrue, but i have my answer.

i don't think i want to be in a relationship. i like being alone. i like being by myself and doing what i want. i care about everyone so much, but that feeling people say you get when you wanna do anything for your partner . . . i just don't get. i didn't really get it with nathan even though we were together for long enough and i did feel something towards him. but i never got that feeling. i did a lot for him and it was mainly because i natually have a similar instinct to help anyone because it's just who i am. but like i like my routine and for some reason, it actually makes me upset at times to imagine changing it for a relationship. i don't even know why but i'm kinda just accepting it. i'm not the most likable person and i know that also affects my "chances," as it usually gets labeled. i still have a lot of bad habits and toxic behaviors that i'm working to change but i know it turns a lot of people off of me than i'd want.

but i don't care, tbh in the romantic sense. it's so weird to try to explain to people that i don't feel things like that. i came to a realization a couple months back when i figured out the hyperfixations getting confused for a crush shit. it made so much sense to me when i learned the possibility of that with people with adhd and shit. and it just blew my mind.

until one of my closest friends at the time labeled it as weird and said i'm not normal for feeling like that. that got to me. i didn't expect someone that close to me to respond like that. at that point i hadn't even figured out the aromantic label yet and moreso if it was fitting for me. but that made me almost not want to. because i felt like i wasn't normal enough to deserve to get the answer. it really really hurt coming from them which only made it worse. but i eventually pushed through by myself and came to aromantic. it took me a long time to actually confidently say it because i kept thinking i was demi. i kept mixing hyperfixations up left and right (that didn't even last long enough to really count) and it kept making me wonder if maybe i still could feel that way. honestly, i don't discount it permanently. no one knows what the future holds.

anyways, yeah.

the only reason i'm so concerned about labels isn't because i have something to prove or whatever. it just. i have felt hopeless my entire life because everything others felt or did, i was the opposite. and most of it being not on purpose too made it infinitely worse mentally. it dragged me down because i thought i'd never get answers. and honestly, i wonder sometimes what my child self would think now about me. i really wonder. to be fair, they'd probably ask why i'm even still alive but yknow.

the point why i'm writing a second post on being / feeling aromantic isn't to retell what i already had written. i completely forgot i wrote that original post until half-way through writing this AND i only found it by complete accident lmao. EITHER WAY. what i really wanted to write about was the way my brain mixes up hyperfixations as crushes and what that feels like to me. because all of what i wrote prior to this was supposed to be context but i'm a yapper. to me, it doesn't feel like a hyperfixation until it's over. and i'll be real and say that i don't honestly even know what a real crush is supposed to feel like. when i started to like nathan, i only noticed because of things like how he was the only person i was talking to. or how my mood was starting to be affected by how he was doing. or how i really did want to spend every second of my life with him (which was a rare thought but it was there for a moment). stuff like that. and even now i'm not sure if it was a crush or just a really long hyperfixation. because to me, hyperfixations are things i want to spend every moment on. things i can't stop thinking about. sometimes they do affect my mood in ways that are hard to explain. i mean, this entire thing is hard as fuck to explain but yknow. and what made it more complicated was a lot of the "hyperfixation-crushes", or whatever the hell you wanna call them, started going away insanely fast. right before i realized i was most likely aromantic, i thought i had a crush on three different people. all three started and ended within 6 hours and it wasn't like how i felt with nathan. it felt like something was there, but it was almost unreachable. and the more i tried, the more it went away until suddenly it felt like i snapped out of something and woke up. and it was gone. like i know that sounds dramatic as hell, but that's how it felt. that's genuinely how it felt / feels for me.

and i remember trying to explain this to my friends . . . and they dismissed it and called me weird. which hurt. it wasn't like a big insult but this was me trying to figure myself out. and the friends whom said they would be supportive as they were queer themselves dismissed me and said that it wasn't real. i still don't understand myself. i still don't understand what got me here or where i fall on the spectrum where labels do and don't matter (they matter right now for me because i've had no answers for so fucking long). i still don't understand most of me and everything and. i don't know.

it's hard to talk about. it's hard to be honest and open because it makes me feel like. i'll never be accepted. which is unfortunately how i've felt my entire life growing up how i did but that's for another post. either way.

this is honestly a topic i don't see a proper way to transition into, but i wanna talk about having hypersexuality as someone with bpd who is also aro. because let me just say that it's hell. i mean, i doubt it has anything with my capability to form or not form romantic thoughts and feelings but. anyways. i haven't had a proper off-period in almost six months and it's killing me. for folks who don't know, depending on the person will depend on the specifics of their hypersexuality (if they have it because i believe while it's common with folks who have bpd, it's not guaranteed). the most common ways it presents though are periods where sex is the only thing they can think about and usually will lead one to do anything they can to get sex, even if it means putting themselves in harms way. the other way it presents is of utter disgust towards anything sexual to a point where they usually don't even feel the need to masturbate because it's just. too much. i have been fucking stuck in the first way for almost half a god damn year. and it's so so so painful.

because a lot of days for me, i wake up and just feel horny. and so i do what i need to do and it's not enough. and i ironically don't get good enough luck on any hookup apps to actually "put myself in harms way" as i put it (or effectively ignoring any warning signs because sex). so i end up averaging out at five or six times (masturbation) because i got no responses and nothing else is working. and it's a living hell because when it kicks in, it kicks in. and there's nothing i do besides have sex or something to get it to stop. like it doesn't matter what i was doing. my brain just shuts off. i literally get a feeling of like being so uncomfortable because all i want to do is have sex. i don't remember when or if i last had an off period. because i think back to a moment when i was eighteen. i mentioned it slightly in my introduction post, but when i was eighteen i signed up for grindr. at this point, i was already relieving myself 2-3 times a day minimum and some going up to 4-5. and when i got on grindr, i was actually looking for a long-term relationship. i don't remember that lasting long before i realized i could use it for hookups and eventually dropped my walls and said fuck it. and this is where i need to mention two things. the main event and the way i approach(ed) hookup apps.

the way i approach(ed) hookup apps once i dropped the "i want a relationship" thing was that i had / still kinda have no regard for safety. all i wanted to know was that they weren't like 55, had a decent member, and if they'd be down to fuck. i ask now, but at the time i didn't even ask for stds or anything of the sort. when i get on a hookup app, i lose a complete sense of time. not because i want to, but because i become so horny all i can fuckin think about is finding someone. anyone. there's been times where my body starts shaking because of it. it's awful. but yeah, i had no sense of making sure it was safe for me to do. which also pissed everyone off because i was also so forward with what i wanted that i was impatient and desperate and all that. i'm not proud of it, but half the time it feels like i literally cannot help it. it's something else that's so difficult to explain (or unfortunately get some to believe). but that leads into the main event.

the "main event" was the moment that this all came crashing down on me. i found a guy on grindr who said he'd be willing to let me top and he'd give me head and all the lot. i was down and we exchanged pictures and he told me where he was located. the one stipulation he had was that i needed to pay for him to get some weed. i was desperate, so i agreed. i went to my mom, lied and said i was meeting friends from college, and then drove off to cincinnati after going to the bank to get the money. before i go any further, i am a bottom LOL. i also didn't really know my identity then and while i don't particularly hate my biological parts, i am not proud of it. this was a rare occasion. anyways. i picked up the guy and immediately, he gave me meth-head vibes which did make me a little nervous. at the same time, i completely did not care because we were gonna fuck. i gave him the money and he offered to blow me while i drove him to his dealer's. i declined because i could barely focus on driving as it was. once we got there, he got out and said he'd be a minute. i left my car running in the in-between mode where it uses your battery but no gas. a few minutes go by and he texts me saying he was making sure he was cleaned out and was sorry for it taking so long. i got like one text after this and then he disappeared entirely. i waited for hours longer than i should have because it was like 9:30 i think when i left and was 11, almost 12 am by this point. so i finally said fuck it and was gearing to leave...

until i realized my car had completely died. yeah. the in-between state didn't feel so smart now lmao. my mom was panicking because i wasn't home. i was starting to freeze because it was like 32 degrees F outside. i had this big comforter in my trunk and that did nothing! it was to a point where my body was physically shaking because it had lost that much heat. i had no heater i could run, nowhere to go. it was the scariest moment of my life. and at this point, 2 - 3 am. finally AAA comes and jumps my car and i get home at around 3 am. it took me the entire car ride with the heater blasting to even feel my hands again. not my body, just hands. it was bad. and i do admit, i wouldn't do it again. i've been a lot more careful now than before.

but it's not just hookup apps. for me, hypersexuality ruins relationships. nathan and i were never going to work out, but the second i had to start seeing him in a more sexual nature, it was done for. and i will never forgive myself for that. and it's never changed. if i had a close relationship with anyone and it became sexual, it'd be over. and this is what really makes me feel so abnormal. cause i hate it so much. i fucking hate feeling so horny that i almost mentally shut down or the willingness to almost end my life for maybe sex. or ruining relationships because no matter how hard i try, all i can think about is us fucking. it's my living hell. i genuinely feel like some days i can't even get anything done because i just can't stop feeling horny. even though i don't even have it in me physically to have sex, it won't stop or go away.

this post is way too long lmao. but yeah that's me sharing more than i ever thought i would. if this helps someone even just by putting into words maybe what you thought wasn't possible, then i'm glad /gen. i just wish it didn't make going day by day so unnecessarily difficult. like as if it wasn't hard enough

[bitchiha]

Incompetence (Sasuke Uchiha x Maid!Reader, NSFW)

A/N: Okay so uhm... Hi nobody fucking asked for this, but I was talking to a friend about this shitty dating sim game we used to play in computer lab in elementary school where you were a maid and like you fell for this super rich spoiled guy that you worked for and it got me thinking about writing something maid related and obviously I am hoe so like it turned into this. 

Summary: Sasuke’s a mean employer with a hardworking maid who is eager to please him, in more ways than you may think...

Warnings: did i srsly write about a maid licking Sasukes shoes? yes and this is your warning. NSFW. Uhm like bullying? maids r jealous lol, Sasuke being a perv, obsessive reader (yandere tendencies?), degradation, also mentions of voyeurism?? also long lol like ik i say that everytime, but this one acc is i got carried away.

--

You rush through the large hallways of the Uchiha mansion, the ringing of a bell echoing as you make your way through the twisting passageways. There were so many rooms, way too many, most of them were empty and only good for collecting dust. It made you wonder why they kept all the maids in such tight quarters when there were so many rooms just begging to be used—

Ring, ring, ring.

The bell cut through your thoughts and you began to quicken your pace. It was dead silent, save for the ringing of the bell (he never called for you verbally) and the pattering of your footsteps in time to the clinking of the silver trays contents in your hands. The ringing slowly begins to get louder as you move closer to the youngest Uchihas room. Trying your hardest not to disturb the contents atop the tray, you attempt to slow down, but as if your master somehow knew you had slowed your pace, the bell began to ring more frantically.

Finally after what felt like hours, you arrive in front of your Masters study, expertly shifting the trays contents onto one hand and opening the door with the other.

Sasuke immediately speaks, not even bothering to wait for you to walk through the threshold. “You’re late.”

It was difficult to breathe under your corseted maids dress - yet alone muster a response as you stared at him. He made no point to be discrete as he eyed at your heaving chest, breasts on display as they peaked out from the lace adorned neckline. Your older outfit had fit you much better and was much more modest; having buttons sealing fabric all the way up your neck, but Sasuke insisted that you needed a new when he assigned you to your new position... one with some modifications.

He had said that it was because the old skirt was too long and you couldn’t possibly do your work in it. Not to mention how your collar looked so tight it seemed as if you were choking. At the time you hadn’t bothered arguing against it, he was your employer after all, but there was obvious flaws to his explanation. For one; your skirt had only been slightly above your knees, the same length as all the other maids and secondly, you weren’t being choked by your collared shirt, it actually fit you quite comfortably.

You realize now though, with this new skirt that barely covered your ass that he had done it more for his own sake. It was embarrassing to be around your colleagues in this new outfit and you begged Sasuke to reconsider, but he wouldn’t budge. That’s why you had begun trying to avoid the other maids, entering the kitchens when you were sure most of them were gone.

Many of them had become more than a little bit jealous of your closeness to the handsome Uchiha and a few of the girls had even went as far as to call you dirty names behind your back. From what you overheard almost everyone of the staff members was referring to you as Sasukes pet, some members adding the word slutty in there too. You wanted to scream and tell them that it wasn’t true, but you preferred ignoring them instead.

That’s why you were so late in bringing him his food today, you were trying to avoid the petty insults from any staff members nearby. Sasuke seemed as though he didn’t care about your workplace troubles, though as leaned back in his comfortable office chair; enjoying your flustered face as his eyes now began to rake over your thighs, the lace garters of your stockings peaking out teasingly from the frills of the skirt.

“I-I’m sorry!” You finally managed to spit out, bowing forwards while still standing at the frame of the door, items on the tray protesting as you surged forward.

“Tch, you’re going to spill something like that and you know what you’re supposed to address me as little maid, where’s your respect for your master?” The master was spat out in such a taunting tone that you didn’t even have to look up to know he was smirking to himself. He had a nice nice view of your tits from behind his desk and it was an even better one when you bent forward like that, too flustered to notice the indecency. And to think you were such a modest girl...

“I... My apologies, master!” You corrected yourself and straightened up.

Entering the room, you began to move towards where the young man was sitting behind his lavish desk his gaze set intensely upon you. It felt like you were some little peasant girl, walking up to the prince in all his glory as he lounged atop of the throne, scowling at the meek sacrifice you had held in your hands... He always made you feel so small and the walk to his desk feeling like an eternity. You bend forward as you finally reach his desk, placing the tray atop the surface. He snarled displeased.

“Don’t place it over my desk, you incompetent little thing. Bring it around and put it right in front of me.”

You were too stung by his insult to remark that he always instructed you to put the tray over his desk like that. Incompetent little thing... You weren’t even that much younger than him, Sasuke was twenty; just two years older than yourself and incompetent you most certainly were not. You were always doing anything and everything he asked, everyone of Sasukes previous maids had barely lasted a few days before being fired, so far you’ve lasted a few weeks. Besides, all the other Uchihas thought highly of you and considered you a hard worker, the other staff had agreed at one point as well. That’s why - or at least that’s why you used to think - Sasuke had demanded his parents to make you his own personal maid.

But now his intentions had begun to seem foggy to you. Not that you necessarily minded that his intentions were blurred. You’d always had a little bit of an infatuation with him. Ever since you started working here you had clung to Sasuke like a moth to a light bulb. Always yearning to please him, even if his actions were always more than a little bit cold toward you, maybe even a little bit strange too. So if the blurred lines allowed you some room to fantasize you couldn’t really complain.

“...Sorry, master.” You managed to say as you moved the tray upwards again. Mind still racing with your own thoughts, you felt the heat creeping up your face as you walking around the desk.

Pushing his chair backwards he silently signalled for you to stand infront of him. Your heart began to beat rapidly and you felt yourself gulp harshly. His body was so close to your own... Once you managed to make your way between his legs and the chair, which was pulled out just enough to allow you through, you once again bent forward to put down the tray. He was silent as you did so, allowing you to prepare the food ontop of it. Gradually you had begun to focus back on the task infront of you, oblivious to his hand trailing up your thigh, busying yourself with pouring his tea.

“Huh. What a naughty girl you are, bending over and showing your master your panties like this...” His long fingers hooked themselves between one of your garters and pulled at the material, releasing it to let the band slap harshly against your thigh.

You squeaked in surprise, a stinging sensation dancing along your flesh. Oh no. You began to twist around hurriedly, you forgot about how short the skirt was. You hope he won’t fire you for the indecency. “Master, I’m so sorry-“

Your hand made contact with something cold atop the tray as you turned, a loud clank resounded in the room as the object made contact with the floor. With horror you looked down to see the small jug of milk, which you had brought for the tea had spilt all over the marble floor and onto Sasukes shoes too. Knowing better than to speak after such a mistake like this, you just stood there with your hands covering your mouth in shock. His shoes. Oh god. They must be more expensive than your salary. Oh god. Will he make you pay for them? You won’t be able to. Oh god-

“Well are you going to clean this up or just stare like a shocked little bitch?” He spat, shifting in his chair as he saw the tears pricking your eyes. Although you wished his words would have been something a little less mean, you were still glad for some sort of instruction on what you should do. You also couldn’t ignore the heat pooling in your core at his words.

“Right, I’m so sorry, I...” you clambered to your knees, which was difficult because Sasuke refused fo move his chair out any further, forcing you to bend at weird angles to finally get onto the floor. You were stretched forward on all fours infront of his shoes, your ass sitting on the back of your calves and your eyes blurring. Your body was as low to the floor as possible; as if you could sink through the floor and escape the embarrassment you were feeling right now. Then when you were finally in a somewhat comfortable position you reached for the cloth which you always kept in your tiny aprons pocket, but Sasukes voice stilled you.

“Don’t. I want you to clean it up with your tongue, that’s what incompetent little maids deserve.”

You stared at up at him dumbfounded. Sure Sasuke pushed you around a lot, but he never made you do anything like this before. But behind his anger you could see the glint of mischief in his eyes. Was this a test? Was he seeing how far you’d go for him? You didn’t want to pay for his shoes out of your own pocket, but more importantly you didn’t want him to replace you-

The thought of him replacing you made your tongue decisively slip out of your mouth. Without a second thought you swooped your head downward and began to lick the drops of milk off of his shoe. You had to hold back the gag building up within you as you felt the leathery material against your tongue mixing with the salt of the stray tears in your eyes. You didn’t want to disappoint him and you hoped he wasn’t too angry with you. You could do better, you could do so much better for him. You watched his face twist into satisfaction and your heart lurched with glee in your chest.

His look giving you a nice boost of confidence, allowing you to easily move onto the other shoe, swallowing down your urge to gag. Once you had successfully managed to lick everything off you bent even lower, head moving to the floor, but the tip of sasukes shoe caught your chin; forcing you to look back up at him.

“You can use the cloth for the floor. Gosh, I knew you were eager to please me, but I didn’t think you’d go that far.” His tone was degrading yet there was some satisfaction in the mix, even a little shock. It made your face burn as you retrieved the cloth, wiping up the rest of the mess, cleaning your mouth with the back of your hand.

Statsified with how clean the floor was, you grabbed the now empty jug and attempted to stand upright; struggling slightly considering how little space Sasuke had given you. You only managed to get to your knees before he grew impatient, grabbing you by your underarms and hoisting you to your feet like a rag doll. When he touched you, you felt your skin erupt into goosebumps and it felt as if a whole flock of birds were shooting around in your stomach. His hands were so soft and warm... One of them came to pat your cheek before retracting to pat his lap. Confused at what he meant, you just stood in front of him.

“Tch, Come on now... I didn’t think you were that stupid.”

When you still didn’t respond his hands snaked around your thighs, lifting one so that it was seated on one side of his legs. Losing your balance at this sudden action, you braced your arms against the top of the office chairs back; allowing him to lift your other thigh easily. This time he pretended to ignore the clambering of the jug falling to the floor again. Your legs were sprawled out on his lap. You were sitting on your masters lap! Oh, you were sitting on your masters lap!.. You were sitting on Sasuke Uchihas lap! The boy who you’ve been head over heels for since you first laid eyes on him. Your face felt as if it were on fire and you let out a needy whimper, making Sasuke laugh. 

“Do you want to make your master feel good, y/n?” You nodded your head and he snickered at your eagerness, his face was so close to yours that you could feel his breath fanning over your lips.

Make him feel good? Yes, yes, yes. you’ll do whatever he asked. “Yes sir! I’ll... I’ll wash your floors twice a day now and I’ll.. I’ll wash your sheets every day, anything! Anything for you, I’ll prove to you that I’m not incompetent. Anything, anything to make you feel good—“

Gosh. You really were stupid, did you not get what he meant? Nonetheless, your unwavering devotion was really turning him on and he didn’t know how much longer he could wait to slip his dick into you... he interrupted your ramble by bringing his hands down to grip your waist, bringing your hips down to grind directly against something hard. 

You stopped speaking coherently as he continued, the feeling of your cunt against that hardness had your promises to shine his shoes every hour turn into incoherent gasps and babbles. Sasuke continued to bring your hips down against what you realized after a few moments was his hardened cock. Was he really doing this? Oh, it felt so good. 

“Tch, you really are pathetic, getting off so quickly and I’ve barely even done anything to you... besides, aren’t you supposed to be the one making your master feel good?” Before you could blabber out another unintelligible sentence, Sasuke saved your brain the effort. His hands moving off of your hips in exchange for one cupping coming up to cup your jaw and the other resting on the back of your neck, pushing you forwards to let his lips smash onto yours.

The second his lips made contact with yours you moaned into his mouth and Sasuke let out another one of his mocking laughs against your lips. With the hand on your jaw he let his thumb slide down to your chin, pushing down on it so as to have your mouth grant his tongue access. You didn’t put up much of a fight against his muscle, easily letting him win and explore at his own will.

He took his time too, which didn’t help much with your already soaked core or the occasional uncontrollable shaking of your legs against his thighs, but that’s what he wanted. Breathing through his nose he kept violating your mouth with his tongue to the point where you couldn’t help it anymore. You were begging against his mouth, which he refused to remove from your own.

“Master... Sir... Sasuke... please, please, please I beg you please!” Was what you were trying to say against his mouth, but it came out all funny and it made him laugh again. Your face felt hot, your eyes began to get watery again and before you knew it you were grinding your hips onto his erection.

One of Sasukes hands remained at the back of your neck while the other moved to palm at your breast, which made you moan desperately into his mouth again. The fact that your panties had been soaked from the second you stepped into the room and the fact that you were actually touching the boy that you had fantasies about in the maids quarters after dark made your brain short circuit... Everything felt so good, he felt so good. It was like sparks of pleasure were firing in your brain everytime your core stroked over his cock and the feeling of his wet tongue licking up every crevice of your mouth... All that being said, before you really knew what was happening your body was spasming and you were making uncontrollable noises that Sasukes mouth swallowed generously and they became nothing more than little “hmphs” and “mmphs” amidst the creaking of his office chair.

Shortly after you came Sasuke pulled away, drool from both his spit and your own pooled down your chin. You looked as though he had just fucked you silly, when in reality you creamed yourself from him sticking his tongue down your throat gosh, this was gold. “Did you just fucking cum?.. I haven’t even put my dick in you yet.” You turned your head away embarrassedly, but he immediately grabbed your jaw and made you face him again. “You don’t get to be embarrassed after that little show. Your gonna ride me now and let’s hope this time you don’t cum in fifteen seconds.” You felt tears brimming your eyes at his meanness, but the new addition of slick added to your soaked panties hadn’t gone unnoticed. Despite your first orgasm, you already felt the bitter ache between your thighs begin to build up again.

With Sasukes hand still on your jaw, the other gripped the hem of your dress that was covering his view of your ruined underwear, holding the bunched fabric of the skirt to your mouth. “Say, Ah.” He said mockingly, shoving the fabric into your mouth once you opened it, waiting for you to clamp your teeth down on it before resuming his touching. He wanted to leave the dress on while he fucked into your cunt; after all, he’s thought about taking you in it too many times to count.

With the fabric out of his way now, he could see your stomach and your simple pink panties that he knew were completely destroyed now. He took your hands and guided them to his belt, silently instructing you to unbuckle it. You got the hint from there and once that was done you worked at his pants. There was spit pooling in your mouth now from the fabric sitting in it and you tried to swallow some of the saliva down, but it made a weird sucking sound and it just made Sasuke laugh at you for what seemed like the hundredth time, but this laugh seemed to be a bit sweeter; lulling your all too pliable mind into a false sense of security.

He lined himself up with your entrance and you felt your legs begin to shake against his thighs again. You could feel the spit pooling in your mouth again at the fabric and you practically choked with anticipation, but to your disappointment he didn’t make any other move to sheath himself inside you.

“M-master?” You asked confusedly through frills of fabric. Why did he stop? Your legs were shaking too hard that you couldn’t stop them from giving out, forcing your cunt to take all of Sasukes cock at once.

It hurt. He wasn’t too thick, more so he was long and despite his zero effort, his cock had somehow managed to hit all the right places as you slid down onto it. Knowing now that he wasn’t going to help you as he rested his hands on the armrest of his office chair with an impassive look; eyes trained on the spot where his dick met your pussy, you began to desperately roll your hips.

He had to bite back his noise, not wanting to give you any sort of satisfaction from him. You were working his cock good though, it felt as though you had been hit with a new amount of energy as you continued you bounce yourself on his lap. It reminded him of what you would do to yourself at night.

“That’s it, just like that.. just like how you hump your pillow at night.” You stilled your movement at that comment, your heart dropping. He... he knew about that?

“Whadda ya’ look so surprised for? I like to check up on my little maid some times,” you ignored the fact that you only did those nasty things late into the night when all the other nurses were sound asleep and that he came to watch you in the middle of the night. It also clicked that the sound of grunting outside the door wasn’t one of the maids odd snoring in the second room... “humping into your pillow and panting out ‘Sasuke, Sasuke..’ you’re fucking disgusting.” He snickered again, cock twitching inside you at that deer in the headlights look you were giving him, he couldn’t help but give his hips a firm buck, causing you to mewl pathetically.

The shock of pleasure knocked you out of that state of surprise and into another one full of pleasure as you began rolling your hips into him again. Still, another few tears had pooled down your cheeks, Sasuke - to your surprise - bent forward to lick them off your pretty little face.

“You’re disgusting you really are.. and a fucking freak too. I’ve heard what the staffs been saying about you, telling them that we’re gonna get married, you wanna have my kids.. I’ve heard you’re a mean one too. Calling other maids names when they were told to do tasks for me. What did you call them? sluts, playthings... scaring everyone away from the position of my personal maid. You naughty girl...”

Your heart was dropping at everything he was saying. You don’t want him to be mad at you. You were doing it because you wanted him to yourself, that you loved him, you loved him... “I love you Sasuke!! I love you, I love you, I love you, I did it all for us! For you.” You choked out between sobbing fits and gaps for breath as your legs began to shake again.

Your movements became sloppy as you felt that knot in your stomach tighten. Falling against his chest you buried your face into his neck trying to chase your high, Sasukes hands still resting on the arm rest of his chair and hardly making any sounds other than words of degradation. But you didn’t care, the twitching of his cock in your tight pussy was enough to motivate you.

“I’ll make you cum, I’ll make you feel so good. Nobody else can, but me. I love you, I love you-“ Sasuke shut you up by grabbing your hips and slamming them down against his own at a harsh pace. He loved hearing your confessions of undying love for him, but your legs were so shaky they could barely move anymore and he needed a release.

You came as soon as he began to take control, the spasms of your cunt helped make sure he wasn’t far behind. Fucking as deep as he could, the sounds of your shaky voice muttering about how thankful you were for him helped push him over the edge and he came with a small grunt.

For a few minutes after he came, the two of you layed still like that. You thinking about how you could die right now and feel as though your dreams had been fulfilled and Sasuke thinking about how he could do with making your skirt a little bit shorter.

[keijikunn]

Fate’s work

Pairing: Iwaizumi Hajime x fem!reader (there’s a slightly platonic Oikawa x reader but anyway) Genre: a big mess of angst and fluffy and I don’t even know anymore Summary: you and Hajime have initiated a concluded two cycles of life together: elementary and middle school passed by in a breeze. Now, high school graduation was approaching faster than you wanted and a statement terrifies you: Iwaizumi Hajime will not start the college cycle beside you Word count: ~3.5k

Author’s note: well well well it’s me after a while to post something out of blue! Special thanks to @hidden-otaku-stuff​ @toorusushijima​

WARNING: none

If you enjoy it please leave a comment or a reblog!! 

The first time you saw Iwaizumi Hajime was when his best friend – and soon to be yours as well – had hit your face with a volleyball during a p.e class. Oikawa Tooru still thinks it was a funny incident, despite the fact he bawled his eyes out at the sight of blood coming from your nose. Iwa, being the responsible kid he has always been, called the teacher to help you out – while calm down his crying friend.

Later that day, after the club activities, the two boys searched you in every class of their grade so Oikawa could (quoting the exact same words Iwaizumi said) “to apologize to her because of your clumsy self, Idiotkawa”. They just found you by the gates, your face didn’t look swollen neither did your nose appeared to be in a weird position – which Tooru thanked the skies, he definitely wouldn’t be able to deal with the fact he broke someone else’s nose (not that it was possible given the fact he was 6).

“C’mon Oikawa, say it” Hajime demanded pushing the other boy towards you, catching your attention.

“Oh, you’re the boy who spiked on my face” you stated before cracking a teasing smile. “I thought it was cool, until you started to cry. I wondered if you felt my pain by the way you were screaming”

“Hey!” Tooru whined, which made you and Hajime laugh even harder. “I was worried and came here to apologize, but I take everything back”

“You haven’t even said anything, idiot” Iwaizumi snickered, eyeing you as you proceeded to laugh once again. For a young boy, hajime wondered why his chest felt so warm watching you smile with something he had said.

“It’s fine, Oikawa-kun, right?” your laughter died down a bit, a hand raising to your face and poking your nose lightly. “It hurt quite a lot- but it already passed! See? I can touch it without feeling pain. And the name is L/n Y/n, so if any of you try to kill me with a ball, you can apologize properly”

Oikawa kept complaining, as the years passed by, that you just joined their little group of friends because you and Iwaizumi bounded by bullying him. The other boy would snort at that comment and proceed to tease him, while you’d laugh at their interaction. Ever since Iwaizumi Hajime was 6 years old, he had found your laugh one of the best sounds he had ever heard. And up until today he still agrees with it.

On the next day, you found the two boys at the same spot they talked on the previous day. You could tell oikawa was whining at something iwaizumi said and couldn’t help but crack a smile. Indeed they were best friends, bickering to no end and still remain next to each other. Wow, I envy these two.

“Good morning L/n-san” Iwa greeted as you approached them with larger steps. “How’s your face?”

“Morning, you two” you answered back with a small wave, stopping in front of them. “And it’s fine, Iwaizumi-kun. It hurt a lot at that moment, but now it’s all good”

And together, the three of you walked side to side to their classroom – coming to realize you’ve been classmates before even knowing. You blended well between Oikawa’s somewhat difficult personality and Iwaizumi’s bluntness towards the other boy. In no time, the duo became a trio and that just made sense.

Just like the sudden ball on your face, the years passed by in a blink of an eye. When you noticed, the three of you were graduating elementary school and joining Kitagawa Daiichi. There, they’ve joined the volleyball club and you decided to follow them as well – becoming the manager (a position you would hold until the very end of high school). It was definitely a process of growth for you: Oikawa became more ambitious; Iwaizumi progressively became better and better at his position. And you grew as the responsibility to maintain energetic boys at bay demanded you. But, the most important, your feelings for none other than Iwaizumi Hajime flourished in your heart.

It was funny how cliché your very first love came out to be: falling in love with your best friend… you didn’t know what made you like Iwaizumi more than just friends. Could it be the way he’d always care for you, making sure you don’t get hurt? (he says he’s traumatized after your first encounter). Maybe the way he plays volleyball, with such passion and desire to progress in ability?

Perhaps it was everything and much more. But, on top of anything, what made you fall for Iwaizumi Hajime was because he was himself. The blunt, slightly violent towards Tooru – but just because he genuinely cares about him, the hardworking and loyal boy he has always been. It could be a silly childhood crush- heck, you didn’t even care if it was a one-time-thing, liking Hajime was easy. And it was the purest thing ever. 

In the deepest part of your brain, at some point while you were growing up, the possibility of parting ways with the two boys crossed your mind. How could you not think about that when they were so talented volleyball players at such a young age? If they applied to any powerhouse school the answer would be a big yes. 

That was the reason why you approached your best friends after practice, when everyone had already left the gym and only Oikawa was training his jump serves. Iwaizumi was on the side lines ready to stop the other boy- he claimed he could easily headbutt the brunet once again like he did previously. 

“Guys…” you called quietly, completely different from your usual self around them. Looking at them made your eyes swell with tears and the clear image of them using different uniforms from the best volleyball clubs in Miyagi prefecture had appeared on your mind. “Do you know which school you’ll attend next year?”

“Why the sudden question, Y/n-chan?” Tooru asked without looking at you, Hajime, on the other hand, noticed how you fiddle with the hem of your jacket. “We don’t have to think about it right now, we have some time”

“It’s important, Idiotkawa, Y/n has a point,” Iwaizumi retorted, taking the volleyball from his hands. “Unlike this dummy, I wasn’t accepted in many schools… though Aoba Johsai accepted me”

“Seijoh?! Really, Hajime?” the excitement didn’t pass unnoticed by them, even the hint of relief was hidden there. “Wow, congratulations!! And you, Tooru-chan? Did Shiratorizawa accept you?”

“I’m not going to the same school as Ushiwaka,” he huffed, crossing his arms, a pout forming on his face. “So I’m following Iwa-chan”

“As always, dumbass” his friend shot back with a teasing grin. It was enough for a bickering start between them, leaving you with your own thoughts. 

At the age of fourteen, you don’t have many worries about life. So, the thought of going to different schools as those two who you knew since you were six years old was terrifying. I’ll have three more years with them. You wouldn’t say goodbye to Oikawa and Iwaizumi. Not yet, at least. 

“And you Y/n- hey, why are you crying?” Hajime shouted surprised, he stopped on his tracks - with hands stopping Tooru. You wiped your tears quickly with the sleeve of the track, to no avail since they kept falling, and smiled. “Oi, why are you smiling and crying?”

“I’m just… happy” it was true. You were not ready to say goodbye to your best friends, especially your first love. Because, for someone who didn’t have much worries in mind, that situation was the worst scenario. “I’m happy we have three more years together”

Unfortunately, three years were not enough for you. 1095 days were not enough to calm your heart that, despite any distance, friendships don’t end just because you don’t see each other every day. But the most important, three years were not enough for you and Hajime; not when being with him felt so right. 

His confession surprised you, especially on White’s Day during the first year at Aoba Johsai. After years giving him (and Tooru) chocolates, you would never expect Iwaizumi to give you a necklace while saying “I like you more than just friends, please go out with me”. All you did at that moment was laugh- and laugh hard. It was so Iwaizumi to confess like that, bluntly and straightforward; and you appreciated even more because you fell in love with him the way he was. 

“I can’t believe I’ll be the third wheel everytime we go out” Tooru whined after Iwaizumi and you told him about the new label the two of you would have. “Fortunately I have Makki and Mattsun to keep me company while you two get all lovey-dovey”

“Oikawa Tooru, I spent almost ten years of my life being the third wheel of you and Haji” that comment made them snort. “Do not complain about it because it’s most likely that you’ll have my boyfriend most of the time” 

“Lies! You’re our manager, the whole team will need to deal with you kissing Iwa-chan” Oikawa teased you and a part of you was getting annoyed, but the soft smile he gave you and your boyfriend told you otherwise. “Seriously, though, I’m so happy for you two”

Hajime squeezed your hand at his best friend’s comment, grinning down at you with a sparkle inside his eyes. You felt at peace: your feelings were mutuals, your best friend supported your new relationship and it was only the first year. Your state of bliss numbed your constant fear of changes, especially those brought by the end of cycles. 

And gosh, dating Iwaizumi Hajime was probably the best decision you’ve ever made in your teenage years. He still was the same boy as before, but gentle kisses, holding his hand and nights spent in each other’s embrace maximized all the already-perfect traits your boyfriend had. At the same time dating Iwa was new, it felt like you’ve been doing it for ages judging by how comfortable you were around each other. 

Falling in love with your best friend was probably the best decision you’ve ever made.

Every achievement felt a thousand times better when you could jump into Hajime’s arms, wrapping your legs around his waist as he spinned twice cheering loudly. There was no better way to celebrate a deserved win after a difficult match or a good grade on a difficult test.

“Haji, you did it!” those were the first words that would come out of your mouth after the referee signaled the end of the game and the boys cheered between themselves. The ace would always wear a big grin on his face as he catches you when you jump on him. “Oh my, I’m so proud of you and the boys” 

“How could I not make it when my personal cheerleader was giving her best on the side lines?” Iwaizumi teased kissing the corner of your mouth, your response was a light punch on his shoulder, but your eyes expressed all the love and proudness you were feeling. “Thank you for all your efforts as well, manager-chan”

“Hey, you two” Oikawa called off, interrupting the sweet moment between you and your boyfriend. “Keep PDA to minimal, we’re still on court. Iwa-chan, we have to bow to the stands, you can be all gross and touchy on the bus”

“Don’t give them ideas, Oikawa!” Makki complained kicking the setter, their antics made you laugh and tap on Hajime’s arms to put you down. “Don’t you dare do anything with us nearby, you perv”

“Of course not, dumbass” Iwaizumi barked, the tip of his ears burned in embarrassment. You watched your team thank the audience that supported them with a tiny smile on your face.

You’ve created beautiful memories in three years.

However, the same way all cycles have a beginning point, they also have their ends. And they were coming faster than you thought. You firstly noticed that after Aoba Johsai lost to Karasuno after a difficult match. 

It was the last chance to go to nationals with this team, in your last year at Seijoh, and the look on Iwaizumi and Oikawa’s faces shattered your heart. It was upsetting that you couldn’t do anything more than pat their backs and praise their efforts, because you knew it wouldn’t help ease the anger caused by a loss. The tears streaming down Hajime’s face showed the vulnerability you would only see at the comfort of your or his house.

“You guys did everything you could have done today” became a ritual for the team to listen to a speech from their managers, a straightforward and honest one before the coach treated them to a meal. “Remember this frustration to get better, okay? I’m proud of all of you”

Little by little all the club members started to head home, except the third years - including you - that went to the school’s gym. You were quick to understand the reason why you were there: because you would leave the club to focus on college exams. That meant another cycle was coming to an end, and you were not ready for that.

You weren’t ready to hear Oikawa thanking his teammates for the past years they’ve been playing together. You weren’t ready to see them fall apart in tears. You weren’t ready to hold Iwaizumi as he cried his heart out, sobbing hard on the crook of your neck as you smoothed your hand up and down his back. 

Just like you, they were not ready to say goodbye to all of these.

It felt like yesterday when you worried about which school you three would attend after Kitagawa Daiichi. The silly tears you shared in front of your best friends could not compare to the waterfall you’re shedding at the information Hajime just shared with you, during a late-night phone call.

“I made to a college in America” 

The air left your lungs and you swore if you were standing, your legs would definitely give in. Your chest tightened as your feelings divided in being extremely happy and proud of your boyfriend, and being… lost. To say you grew accustomed with Iwaizumi’s constant presence in your life was an understatement, after more than 10 years, you have never pictured your future that wouldn’t have him by your side. 

“That’s amazing, babe! Oh my god” you exhaled mesmerized. “I’m so happy for you! I knew you’d make it”

“I still can’t believe it” he answered quietly, the following silence deafened you and that made you worry. It had never disturbed you how quiet sometimes your calls could get, but today it felt different. “Y/n, what about us, though?”

“Haji…” more silence. The truth was that you didn’t know, neither did Iwaizumi. Throughout the unstable mess that life is you and Hajime were the constant variable, just like in Maths. No matter how things changed, how the scenarios shifted, you two were always there for each other. But now… the only steady thing in your life wouldn’t be there anymore right next to you. “We should… think about what we want, yeah?”

“You’re right” Iwaizumi breathed slowly, letting what you said settle down inside his head. “I love you, Y/n”

“I love you too, Hajime” and with that, the call ended, leaving you to drown in the sea of your thoughts.

Ever since you were a kid, changes scared you. No monster under your bed or inside your wardrobe could beat the terrible villain that walks side to side with the changes of life. Guess a few fears stick with us for good, you thought laughing humorlessly. 

It was a fact that Iwaizumi would never cheat on you, his loyalty was marvelous ever since he was six years old. And you knew for sure he would move mountains just to talk to you for a few minutes, like you’d do to him. Carrying a long-distance relationship with Hajime would be challenging, but no impossible, because he was him and you were you. And you loved each other so damn much. 

You spent weeks thinking about it every night - because during the days your thoughts were 100% focused on the boy standing right next to you. Time would eventually pass by and the moment he would leave Japan to start college in America would arrive, and you won’t be able to do anything to stop or delay it. So, after debating with yourself, you have made your final decision. 

Graduation was filled with joy and the inevitable tears shared in your group of friends. The fellow volleyball club members were there to congratulate the now former third years, wishing them luck for their future paths. Surprisingly or not, you managed to keep your tears at bay - maybe because you ran out of them on the last night after having a bounding time with Oikawa, Hajime, Matsukawa and Hanamaki. 

In a month or so, Oikawa would fly to Argentina to pursue his professional career as a volleyball player, Iwaizumi would have his brand new start in America, Makki and Mattsun would stay in Miyagi; and you would leave to start your new cycle. A cycle without Tooru and Hajime. 

“Hey” your boyfriend tugged lightly at your hand, motioning you to go to another place, a quieter one. You two walked in silence until you'd reached the stairs that led to the club room, sitting on the step next to each other. “It’s over”

“We graduated” both of you laughed, thinking about it three years ago felt so far away, like this future would never come. Yet, here you were, ready to face the world. “We had a great time here, even dealing with Tooru’s annoying ass will be a fond memory”

“I can’t believe we are all parting ways like this” Hajime admitted quietly, however his tone was filled with nostalgia. “I feel like it was yesterday that Shittykawa smacked your face with a volleyball”

“I think it’s the only occasion I’m glad I got hurt” you admitted lightly. “Because of that day, we could spend many more together”

The silence hugged you two nicely, you rested your head against Hajime’s shoulder as he hugged you by your sides. You wanted to save the feeling of being so close to him in your memory, in a place where it would never fade away even after years. His smell of cologne that was his mark filled your nose and you let yourself be intoxicated by it. 

“I guess it’s the end” he said in a whisper, rubbing your shoulders in circle motions. After thinking for many nights, the decision of breaking up with Iwaizumi felt right - although extremely painful. “Sometimes I regret choosing America”

“Don’t start with this bullshit again, Iwaizumi!” you scolded him, creating enough space between you so you could face him. “It’s your future, for god’s sake!”

“But I want you to be part of it” his eyes were a bit shiny, just like on the day you brought up the decision of ending the relationship. A stray tear rolled down his cheek and you quickly cupped his face to dry it with your thumb, the boy responding to your touch by leaning closer to your palm.

“Hajime, we’ve been best friends ever since forever, way before we fell in love with each other… I love you so much - and I’ll probably always do - but I can’t find peace within myself knowing that I’m holding you back. We will remain best friends for life, you are my first love and will always be… so, if there’s a red string tied up around our pinkies” you wrapped the said finger around his much larger one, a gentle smile appearing on your not wet cheeks. “Let fate bring us back together, whether as friends or lovers”

The boy leaned down to capture your lips, your mostly likely last kiss before splitting for good. You could taste the salty tears you two shed, but nothing could top the amazing sensation that was being so close to Hajime. Nothing could top the sensation of love and being loved by Iwaizumi Hajime. 

You feared changes, the numerous cycles scared you ever since you were a kid. But it was fine now, that you understood that it was necessary, though not permanent. If you and Iwaizumi Hajime were meant to be, fate will do its work to bring you back to where your heart belongs.

[dragonstoravens]

Babylon Vol. 1: Bad Behavior, A Dancer in her Own Right

[ID: a blue patterned banner with text reading “BABYLON.” End ID.]

(Two chapters today, but this one’s a bit of a shorter update anyway. Believe it or not, we’re getting towards the end of volume 1 now!! It’ll be all posted by the end of December, and then in the new year at some point we’ll start posting 2. We’re also looking into Wattpad, and maybe even making an audiobook, so keep an eye out for those updates. Enjoy the chapters!)

Taglist (ask to be added or removed!): @charlottedotexe @glitterandstarshine @rainbowcoloreddays @the-starlight-chills @erased-in-stone

General: @elywritesbydarkness @residentofthedisc @humour-and-hyperfocus @skyfirewrites @viawrites-andacts

17. Bad Behavior

    A tap on her shoulder alerted Azure to someone just behind her. She turned, smile plastered to her face. The woman was about her age, grinning conspiratorially. That was never good, in her book. Grinning usually meant there was a plan for the conversation, and conspiratorially meant she’d have to actually participate. She washed away her distaste for the idea with some champagne before speaking.

    “Hello, I don’t believe we’ve met.”

    “Oh no, we haven’t. Samantha Whitewater, my family owns the Whitewater mining firm.” The introduction was followed by a small bow, which Azure returned. A colony family, then. Whitewater continued. “I just wanted to congratulate you.”

    Congratulate her? She hadn’t done anything of note to these people. She never made deals and she talked about herself as little as possible, trying to create a black box of a history no one would question. There was nothing to congratulate, and even less for a stranger to bring up out of nowhere. She touched the comm.

    Hey Hotshot, you remember anyone from the Whitewater family?

    I think I got a proposal from them once, he responded. More business than pleasure, though I think they wanted a marriage too. At least they didn’t keep pushing when I denied both.

    That was all she needed. At least Samantha and her family had manners. Her smile relaxed to something more genuine. She didn’t know what she was about to be congratulated for, but at least it wouldn’t be underhanded. “I’m afraid I don’t know what you mean, things have been awful slow for me lately.” 

    “Oh, nothing like that. I’m just congratulating you on making such a good match. No one else here could say the same, though of course the Jericho name is something of a hot-ticket item to many of us. My own family included, I have to admit.” She laughed like it was some kind of joke between friends, and Azure’s blood pressure rose. Trinity, seeming to just take notice of the conversation as Azzy’s burgeoning anger began to make itself known through their mental link, began to turn, a crease in his brow the only sign of confusion showing through the ice-sculpture poise he wore around these events like armor.

    She blinked to cover for the twitch in her eye, tucking her hands behind her back to cover the sparking. She ignored the vague warning of Azzy, no, that buzzed in the back of her head from Trinity, bulldozing on. “I wasn’t aware he was on sale in the first place.” Her words came out clipped, stilted, and poisonously sweet. Speaking of her friend as though he was an item made her stomach churn, even in retaliation. These events often weren’t terrible until something like this came up, the word choice surrounding people objectifying and economic in the worst manner. But never once had someone brazenly spoken about Trinity to her face before, like it was normal or expected. That was her friend Whitewater was talking about, the one who’d taught her about shrimp forks and helped her reach high shelves in her lab and made poorly edited images of frogs telling bad jokes for her when she was sad. She seethed. “I suppose that would explain why you caught me off guard then.”

    The woman blinked. “I’m sorry, I don’t know what it’s like where you come from--” the incredibly rude phrasing was somehow undercut by the fact that she still didn’t seem to think she was insulting anyone at all-- “but clearly you’re not used to this kind of society. We’re all a commodity here. The best he or anyone should hope for is to find someone equally as useful to him as he is to them, and maybe someone he can get along with-- though with someone as Icy as Jericho I never held out too much hope for that. That could have been me, but I guess it’s you.”

    Azure opened her mouth to speak, but Trinity’s hand on her back stopped her just long enough for her to hear him out. Azure. She’s right. Drop it.

     Azure shot back a response with a dangerous growl entering her mental voice, indignant and angry and protective. I don’t recall askin’ how anyone else here felt about it but me, so you drop it. She cleared her throat, her tone once more painted over with a thin veneer of polite but apparent disdain. “It is me, thank you very much Miss Whitewater. I wish you the very best of luck in finding someone merely useful to you.” If it wasn’t going to get her kicked out, she’d have spat at the woman’s feet like she used to when people bullied Crim in elementary school. Instead, she grinned conspiratorially with entirely too many of her teeth. “Because as we both know, that’s simply the most one can hope for in this wonderful little bubble.”

    “Like you’ve done any better.” Whitewater finally seemed perturbed, angry that something was disrupting her sterile worldview. Her lip curled slightly. “That man touches you like he’d rather be doing anything else. Two inches away from anything that could be considered a little risque, even while dancing? At least someone like me would’ve known what I was getting into, with someone like him.” 

    Trinity saw Azzy draw in a breath, and knew whatever she was about to say would be even worse. So before it could leave her mouth. Trinity had turned fully to face the two of them, and in an instant his arm was wrapped firmly around her waist. His hand rested squarely on her hip-- right on the strip of skin her dress’ cutout bodice left exposed to the air. His fingers dug into her flesh just slightly. Not hard enough to even leave prints on the skin, but just enough to send a message. Azzy relaxed in posture only, looking for all the world like a guard dog that had just been told to sit as she looked up at him sidelong. “I’m sorry, Miss Whitewater, but my date and I have business elsewhere. Will this be all?”

    “Of course. Enjoy your evening, Jericho. Garza.” Whitewater’s voice was stilted. Trinity turned Azzy around and used his arm around her to begin to shepard her away-- he wasn’t sure she was prepared to actually leave this alone, left to her own devices. They made it about ten feet before Azure looked back over her shoulder, sliding her arm around his waist as well and winking back at Whitewater, Garza’s supposed devious intention with Trinity on display. Internally, there was a small blip of take that, asshole, and then a self satisfied calm. Trinity sighed. He hated to play into whatever that was, but unfortunately a deserted hallway was likely the only place he was going to be able to talk to Azzy alone. He tugged her away into a winding passage off to the side of the main ballroom, gritting his teeth as he imagined the scandalized stare that Whitewater woman was probably still sending after them. He couldn’t deny that it was… amusing, to an extent. But he liked to avoid attention he wasn’t looking for at this kind of thing, and the last thing he needed was a jilted business-lover spreading around the fact that he’d pulled his date into a secret corner in the middle of an event. What was done was done, though, and he had to admit he hoped Whitewater felt sufficiently humiliated by the end of all that. Whatever it was.

    Finally satisfied they were alone, he let go of Azzy-- careful not to let his hands linger a second longer than they had to-- and sighed, leaning against the wall with a slightly bemused smile. “What was that about? And why did it seem to have everything and nothing to do with me?”

    Azure blew a stray curl from her face, absently rubbing her hip where he’d touched her with her opposite arm. The consequences of her actions appeared to be finally setting in, and her face was apologetic in that same way it was when she realized she’d started eating in massive bites at dinner instead of polite and small ones yet again. She looked almost bashful as she looked up at him. “Sorry Hotshot, I just...I don’t know, she started talkin’ about you like you were a thing instead of a person. I’m used to ‘em talkin’ about how hot you are, and that’s fine because it’s true at least, but no one’s ever said anythin’ like that about you right to my face before, it pissed me off.” She finally let her own hip go, shaking her hands to rid them of sparks and avoiding his eyes to avoid letting it be known just how honest she was about to be. “It’s rude, and it’s dehumanizin’, and I just believe real strongly that you deserve better than that.”

    Trinity almost denied it, wanting to cite times he certainly had not deserved better, but the last thing he wanted was to open up that can of worms. The wound of his profiteering off that war-torn planet was still too fresh, his apology still somewhat inadequate. Instead, he just shook his head. “I know what you think, but whether that’s truly how I am or not, it’s how I’ve presented myself for years to these people. Besides, she practically called you a bumpkin to your face too, and I’m not sure you even noticed.” He felt something soften slightly inside him as he looked at his friend. She’d been defending him. God strike him down if he knew why. God would probably strike him down regardless.

    She waved a hand, looking unaffected. “Who gives a shit about me? I am a bumpkin for all these people should care. But you’re…” she struggled, squinting her eyes and scrunching her freckled nose as the machinery of her mind ground its way to some kind of an end to her sentence that was eloquent. It failed. Instead, she came out with: “You’re cooler’n they are and they should admit it to themselves and act with some damn respect.”

    Trinity tried and failed for several moments to hold himself together before he burst, doubling over with laughter. She’d never seen him laugh like this in person-- heard it, maybe, over a particularly good meme or something, but never like this, actual tears forming in his eyes. She grinned, wide and crooked, her job here complete. He slapped his knee, struggling to straighten back up. “Ah, Az. You’ve brought us full circle.” He wiped a hand over his eyes. “I give a shit about you. I am also what she said about me. And you are also ‘cooler’n’ them. Yes?”

    Now suddenly she was bashful again. No one ever called her cool. Smart, maybe, or nice or even helpful sometimes, but never cool. She blushed. “Sure. At least I know how to act normal. Sorta. In comparison, at least.” Her hand reached up to scratch behind her ear, sympathy painting her features. “It’s a sad little life she’s about to lead. Honestly, I hope it’s what she actually wants or else she’s gonna be damn lonely without an actual someone to connect with.”

    “It’s a sad life most of us lead,” was his only response. His face was turned slightly from her, into the shadows of the dark hallway, leaving his expression unreadable. “Sometimes there are things more important than our own happiness. Shall we?” He held out a hand, gesturing back down the hall towards the well-lit bustle of the ballroom. It struck Azzy that things in this world seemed to hide better among glitter and blinding lights than they did in the dark. Nevertheless, she placed her own hand gently in his.

    “Now remember, act like you like me or else I might actually have to throw down one of these days.”

    “Right, right.” Trinity huffed out a tiny little laugh, his fingers finding the skin of her hip once more. “As long as you’re alright with it.”

    “I’m a bad actor, this is easier.” She leaned her head into his shoulder, wrapping her arm around his waist and leaning into him. “Plus, this way I don’t even have to stand up straight.”

18. A Dancer In Her Own Right

    Her boots made a gentle beat against the hard metal of the floor. One step then another, sure of herself even as she looked in the opposite direction to her movement. There was a rhythm to her every sway, every object she tossed over her shoulder and caught in the other hand a step in a dance she was choreographing on the spot. Something from this drawer, cross the room to another cabinet, all of it swirling around that constant central point that was the examination table and her workbench. Watching her set up for a deep maintenance test was like witnessing a ballet. Her stretch for something off a high shelf was easy, graceful. She knew exactly how far everything was, exactly how many steps to get there. She carried the objects she collected as though they weighed nothing, a spring in her step the whole way. 

    Trinity sat on a counter as far out of her way as he could get, but he might as well not have been there at all, for all having another person in her space slowed her down. He couldn’t help but marvel a bit at the sureness of her movements, now that she was in a place entirely her own. In society and on a ballroom floor she stumbled occasionally, one might even assume she was clumsy. That thought would be long gone the moment they saw this dance, one made by and for her, the perfect combination of grace and power. Ballroom dances were as much for the observers as the dancers themselves, but being able to observe this felt like a privilege more than a right. Being allowed to appreciate this sight as an outsider, a friend but someone who would admit freely that he couldn’t even begin to understand her, was a gift. In this moment, Trinity relaxed, and let himself appreciate the organic yet mechanical beauty of her, without letting his brain get in the way. After all, dancing was supposed to be instinct above thought. 

    She held out a hand, and he automatically picked up a wrench that sat at his side, placing the handle in her palm. She took it without looking, and the dance went on. She vaulted casually onto a countertop like it was the most natural thing in the world, grabbing some gray box off a shelf near the ceiling and hopping down without a hint of hesitation, no signs of exhaustion as sparks flew in her wake. She made her way back to the center to drop both things off, to pick up something else, to continue this seemingly endless waltz. Individual curls of hair freed themselves from her braid, her beanie long discarded in favor of having the goggles she typically wore around her neck situated atop her head. She stopped briefly at the edge of her stage, only to map out a new path that carved the edges of the room from the center, a small bucket in hand to hold whatever things she needed as she went along. She needed a lot of trinkets and tools, and she knew what each of them were. She paused briefly in front of him, and pointed above his head. It took him a moment to insert himself into her rhythm again, then he knew what she wanted without words. He slid off the counter and held out his hands to make a step for her, boosting her up to whatever it was she needed to reach. She stepped lightly onto his outstretched hands, opening a cabinet and pulling a bottle down in the same motion as her descent back to the ground. She flashed him a grin, crooked and pleased. He heard a snippet of something she was humming to herself, low and sweet, her own orchestra to accompany her own dance. 

    Now that he was no longer needed for the moment, Trinity hopped back up on the counter, content to just watch her work in perfect harmony with herself.

[supercasey]

Nomad of Nowhere Modern+Twins AU Notes/Ideas

Can y’all tell I got bored and can’t stop thinking about this sort of AU? Prepare for some serious bullshit. (Putting this under a cut because I’m merciful)

((El Rey is gonna be called Adrian in this AU, as I saw someone on Tumblr (emery-night) suggest it as a possible name awhile back, and since one of my brother's middle names is Adrian, I had to.))

Benjamin, Annabeth, and Adrian are all polyam, but they're not exactly the most “picture perfect” polyam relationship; they all tend to argue quite a bit, but at the end of the day, they all still care very deeply for each other.

Ben and Adrian went to college together, and were roommates through all four years they went; they started dating/hooking up about halfway through freshman year.

Annabeth: Oh my god, they were roommates.

After their fourth year of college ended, Adrian had to go back home to run his father's business, which meant he couldn't date Ben anymore, as his dad was extremely homophobic. Ben was heartbroken, but understood that Adrian didn't want to end things either, so he accepted it and moved on with his life, making sure to keep in touch with Adrian through social media and by calling/texting him every so often.

About two years later, Benjamin ran into Annabeth for the first time. Anna was working on her family's farm at the time, but once she fell for the city boy, she packed her bags and ran off to start a new life with him.

They had the twins within their first year of marriage, which was… chaotic, to say the fucking least. Thankfully they managed well enough, but it was still somewhat of an ordeal to get through together. ((Thankfully in this AU, Ben isn’t running from any bounty hunters/his ex, so he doesn’t ever lash out at Anna and lose her.))

Nearly five years after the twins were born, Adrian just kinda… showed up on their doorstep, looking frazzled and freaked the fuck out. They of course let him come inside, and after finding out that he had been cut off upon his father discovering he was gay, the couple let him stay with them from then on.

Pretty soon, the trio was officially polyam, both Adrian and Anna dating Ben, but not each other. They’re both really good friends, though! Ben loves his husband and wife so fucking much.

Since he grew up in such a privileged environment, Adrian really struggles with getting used to living like his partners (they aren’t necessarily poor, but they aren’t rich either), but he settles soon enough into working at an office building, where he constantly is climbing the corporate ladder and becoming quite the businessman.

Annabeth settled really quickly into her job as an architect, and works on designing houses in an office building about an hour away from the family house (which she and Ben built together right before they got married, adding another floor after Adrian moved in with them).

Benjamin, surprisingly enough, is a stay at home dad, and after all the kids reach school age, he starts doing part-time handyman jobs around town. Primarily though, he's still mostly a stay at home dad, and does a lot of the housework.

Adrian can't cook for S H I T. He set the oven in his and Ben's dorm on fire no less than three times, and also accidentally blew up the microwave at one point. After he moves in, Ben is quick to ban him from any sort of cooking; Adrian doesn't even bother arguing with him over it.

Anna can cook a little. She's usually pretty tuckered out after work, so she rarely cooks dinner, but when she does it's a stew that's fucking incredible.

Ben is a monster in the kitchen, having learned how to cook at a very young age, and he takes great pride in cooking nice meals for the family almost every night.

Both Ben and Anna were really worried the twins wouldn’t like Adrian, but he gets along with them really well, especially since he came into their lives so really early on; when they’re about seven, Skout asks who Adrian is to her parents, and after being told he’s in love with Pappy and best friends with Mama, she starts referring to Adrian as Daddy/Dad, Hunter doing the same through sign language/writing note to him. Adrian cries from happiness.

Also, because I love her, and because I honestly think Ben would never obey the “have as few kids as possible” rule most wizard's follow in the Twins AU, when the twins are about six or seven, their parents have another kid; a little girl they name Melinda.

(Truth be told, Ben and El Rey aren't 100% certain who fathered her, but they always say it was the other guy who did it. Anna doesn't really care, so long as they both treat her youngest daughter well, which they of course do!)

Melinda is a bit of a terror as a young child, and is constantly pestering her older siblings. Skout and her get along better once Skout hits high school age (before then, they argue constantly), but before that Hunter and Melinda are super close. After Melinda hits 13-14 though, they don’t quite have a “falling out”, but she gets her own friends at school and doesn’t want to hang out with Hunter as much anymore; this devastates Hunter, but he’s so freaking glad she has friends that he’s never going to tell her that.

Okay, onto the twins:

Hunter and Skout are practically glued to the fucking hip all throughout their early childhood; Hunter follows his sister around because no one wants to try communicating with the mute kid, and Skout loves hanging out with her brother despite other kids being weirded out by him.

Skout used to be a total tomboy/rebel as a preteen. Seriously, she was constantly in and out of the principal's office, mainly because she got into fights protecting her bro.

By the time Toth moves to town at the very start of 9th grade and meets her, Skout is almost a completely different person by then, having gotten more invested in reading/school than getting into fights.

The first time Toth sees some ex-bullies from Skout's middle school run for their lives upon seeing who Toth thought was just a sweet, innocent redhead who loves reading, Toth knows she's in love.

Toth does NOT like Hunter at first, mostly because the first time she met him, he refused to let her borrow a pencil and she took that to mean he was an asshole; truth is, he only had the one, but had trouble communicating that to her at the time, resulting in her not quite “bullying” him, but… okay, she bullied him, but after getting with Skout, she lays off and even apologizes to him for being so mean.

Toth and Hunter eventually start getting along after Toth and Skout get together, but Hunter definitely teases/messes with her on occasion because he thinks it's funny. Toth is mostly neutral to this and figures it's justified payback for how she used to treat him.

Where Skout has Toth as a friend at school (and I guess that total asshole “Red Manuel” or whatever the fuck he’s calling himself who constantly pesters them both), Hunter is friends with a trio of kids nicknamed “The Three Amigos.”

The three amigos (Null, Santi, and Jethro) have all known each other since kindergarten. Null got to go to school early due to his intelligence (the kid is insanely fucking smart), while Jethro and Santi are the same age, and they all became friends because their moms all know each other and made them hang out a lot as young kids.

The school's mascot is the “Dandy Lion” and Red Manuel is the dumbass who agreed to wear the suit for school events. He thinks it makes him a celebrity; it definitely doesn't.

Omg, I almost fucking forgot about Don Paragon.

Don Paragon considers himself to be a theatre star of some kind, because he literally only got the lead part once in a middle school play, and he has yet to stop bragging about it.

Don's also a huge fucking bully, and has been harassing both Hunter and Skout since elementary school; he's actually one of the people Skout beat the crap out of back when she didn’t care about holding back, so he low-key fears her, but he'll pick on Hunter whenever he can catch him alone; luckily, Hunter doesn't end up alone very often, thanks to the three amigos, as well as Toth shadowing him when Skout asks her to keep an eye on Hunter in order to keep him safe.

(On another note, about halfway through high school, Don Paragon challenges Hunter to a fight after school, and of course everyone comes out to see this shit. Don shows up first with a switchblade, and everyone’s scared he’s gonna fuck Hunter up, but then Hunter shows up with a fucking pitchfork. Needless to say, Don backed down and Hunter was now known as “the guy who brought a pitchfork to a knife fight” instead of just being the mute kid.)

Hunter and the three amigos are considered to be outcast's at school, but none of them are particularly bothered by this; they all can often be found chilling together during lunch, passing around a notebook so Hunter can talk to them easier. By senior year, the three amigos have all fully learned sign language, which they use not only to talk with Hunter, but get away with joking around in class with each other.

Before then though, Null was the only one who knew sign language, and became friends with Hunter first. Through this, Null invited Hunter to their friend group, but despite them all obviously being friends, other kids at school still mostly referred to them as “The Three Amigos + Hunter”; this annoys Null to no end, but Hunter swears he doesn't mind (he does, but he’ll never admit it).

The four of them eventually form a band that plays primarily at school dances and weekend parties. The band was almost called The Three Amigos, but Null insisted they name themselves something else in order to include Hunter. Santi came up with calling themselves “The Nomads of Nowhere”, which sticks. Hunter plays guitar (Adrian taught him how), Jethro plays keyboard, Santi plays drums, and Null sings.

Hunter is constantly being followed by animals of some kind, so instead of creating Critters, he attracts animals to himself (mainly stray cats, which he feeds daily).

The family has a few pets of their own: a black cat named Nomad (Hunter's therapy cat), a brown tabby cat named Critter (Ben found it as a kitten and gave it to Skout when Hunter got his cat), and a black Labrador named El Rey (Adrian's dog that he's had since he was a young teenager… no one knows how it's still alive, not even Adrian).

Post-high school headcanons for everyone:

After the twins graduate, Skout goes to a university in their state with Toth, who she's still dating. Hunter, in the meantime, goes to community college for awhile, and still lives at home, later moving out to live with the three amigos.

Toth proposes to Skout during their sophomore year, but they don't officially get married until after they both graduate. Everyone in Skout’s family sobs (Melinda’s her maid of honor) and Toth’s family is also cheering like mad. The after party is more or less a fucking rave, and the cops almost get called because they’re all so goddamn loud.

Skout becomes a biologist, but still constantly visits the library she worked at in college. Her specialty lies in forest preservation, and later on she starts working in a national park.

Toth becomes a historian, specializing in old weapons and war strategy. She also has a degree in psychology, but she doesn’t really do much with it tbh (other than mess with Red, who after getting his act together, becomes one of her closest friends).

Hunter becomes a musician, and as a side gig works as a sort of “cat whisperer” to make extra money and tell people they’re dumbasses who shouldn’t own cats.

The Nomads of Nowhere actually stick together for a long time after high school, and become a semi-popular indie band. After a few years though, they disband so Jethro and Santi can do their own things, so Hunter and Null form a two-man band called “The Dreaded Nomads.” After that, their music gets a lot more popular, but they’re still considered indie.

Oh yeah, almost forgot; Hunter and Null started dating in secret early on in high school. They mostly kept it a secret because they were both self-conscious about being judged by their peers, but they came out by going to their junior homecoming dance together. Everyone (except Skout and Melinda, who Hunter had already told) were surprised, but of course Hunter’s parents were all supportive. Null’s folks were… not, but at least he then got the chance to live with Santi’s family!

After high school, Hunter and Null are still going strong, and while neither of them are really comfortable with getting officially married for personal reasons, they plan on staying together for the rest of their lives. Also after high school, Null’s still no contact with his family for the most part (save for his mom), but Hunter’s family accepts him with open arms!

Santi and Jethro were dating since fucking middle school, and literally no one is surprised when they get hitched the day after graduation; if they have a kid and they’re a boy, they’re naming him Null Jr and Null will be secretly touched but act mad.

That’s all I’ve got for now! I might add more later, but feel free to add your own headcanons/ideas if you’d like to!

[fineliines]

okay so before things get misconstrued, i have seen the post @pocmuzings posted and i have quite a lot to say at least to explain my side of the story. you guys can make the choice to believe me or not but everything on this post is the truth on my end. this is very long and i hope everyone takes the time to read it but it’s just a warning this is long.

first and foremost, you need to understand that i have never once in my entire life said the n word. i grew up in a household where i always knew the weight of that word and it’s heavy connotations my entire life; my mom, grandma and cousins always used the word despite being spanish because they were very racist and stereotyped the black community. i knew of that, i was young when they used the word (probably around elementary school age) and never spoke up because i was a child. however, i’ve always known it’s not the right word to say or is it my place to say it as a non-black poc. i’m unsure if the person sending the anon meant to say i was using the word or if it was my friend at the time in the post but i have never EVER said that word. i would never use that word, i’m not ignorant on it and have always known what it’s implications were.

secondly, the problematic friend in question was someone i knew in my real life. we went to high school together, we met through a mutual friend who looking back on it, that mutual friend sexually assaulted me at one point and BECAUSE of that incident and numerous other things that happened in that small friend group, i pulled away and found solace in this person. his name was cameron, he’s no longer in the rpc so i really don’t care about putting his name out there to help keep track while i write this out. to give more background on this, cameron wasn’t the kind of person i could simply “get rid of” like i could have if he’d been someone i met online. like i said, we went to high school together, we lived in the same town, we became INSEPERABLE-- i vacationed with him and his family on MULTIPLE occasions. my mom and his mom became friends, we spent holidays together, etc. this wasn’t someone i could write off. we met when i was around 15 years old and he was 17 and we stayed friends from me being 15 to around the age of me being 21... in fact, i believe our last outing together was my 21st birthday but that’s irrelevant. i am now 24. throughout the time that we were best friends, however, i got him into rping and we were in the rpc together for an extended period of time. cameron has always been extremely problematic and this was something i didn’t necessarily become aware of until later on in our friendship. we started rping together in american horror story roleplays which is where i first started and in general, those rp’s were very very problematic and dark; it was a completely different time in the rpc compared to now and i am 100% aware of that. 

cameron became notorious for causing drama wherever he went. in the ahs rp we were in, something happened between my character and someone else’s, anon hate was sent to the gossip blog or w/e about my character and it got to the point where i, myself, was being told to kill myself through anon hate because of whatever ship drama was happening. i was 15 years old and people on the internet were telling me to kill myself. cameron stepped in, defended me in the only way he knew how, started drama with the admins for not doing anything to stop the stuff being sent to me or help me and we got kicked out of the group as the solution to their problem. from that moment on, cameron simply never stopped causing problems and i often found myself getting dragged into things with him because we were friends and i stuck up for him because he usually stuck up for me. at some point as i got a little older, maybe 17/18, i can’t remember, me and him joined this subplot rp that this person who sent in the anon was running. yes, cameron and i became friends with the person, she was the admin, things were fine for a while and eventually, things in the group started getting slow so cameron wanted to leave and me, being the person i was at the time, followed him because he was my best friend. i remained somewhat friends with the anon but i always felt like things were strained between us BECAUSE cameron was always up to something; whether it was causing problems in the anon’s various groups she joined or simply leaving because he got bored or just being a general bully, befriending people and manipulating them and being ugly and problematic and racist. i can’t remember the anon ever talking to me about being uncomfortable with his actions because it was years ago and i’ll admit that at the time, it wasn’t important to me because i thought things were fine because her problems with cameron weren’t ever explicitly told TO me. i will admit that from the ages of 15-18, whenever cameron started drama or was problematic or did shitty things, i blindly followed him and never spoke up. i didn’t speak up because i felt like he helped me and defended me and PROTECTED me from my assaulter in real life and all the anon hate i got from this group that i owed him my loyalty. again, please keep in mind, i’ve been friends with him since we were both in high school, he wasn’t someone i could simply write off or get rid of at the time.

i started realizing he wasn’t a good person when i got a little older. i decided to open up a group that was based off college kids and it was based off the college i currently attend, ucf--- genuinely i don’t remember the url of the group but @wonclerland was in it with me because we were friends. cameron joined, obviously and at the time that i was admining, he didn’t do much. people joined who i’d met through a previous rp and to be honest, that group of people and i were 100% a really stupid clique of mean people. they were really mean and petty and ugly and i never said anything to them or about what they said because i wanted to fit in and again, i admit to that. some girl joined the group who went by the name athena or it was her alias, i don’t really know but apparently, she had beef with that group of people who joined and they claimed she was racist but could never properly pull up proof to show me or whatever. as an admin, i was caught in the middle trying to hear every side of the story. cameron befriended athena and all hell broke loose.  i ended up going to playlist live for a day and mistakenly, i had asked one of the people in the little clique of mine to run the main while i was gone for the day. in the span of the 8 hours i was gone, the clique had posted athena’s unfollow despite her not wanting to quit and blah blah blah. i shut down the group because i didn’t know what to do and it make me anxious and stressed. cameron and athena formed a group of friends FROM that group and started to go on the girl who posted the unfollow’s instagram and comment hateful, bodyshaming things. they went as far as editing a picture of the girl on photoshop to look like shrek. i saw this all unfold and realized what kind of person cameron was and decided to TRY to sever ties with him. multiple times after this, i attempted to call him out on his ugly behavior on the tail end of our friendship. we would get into really violent fights in person and he’d come to target where i worked at the time to scream at me and yell at me in person. i called him out for being racist and problematic and using the n word- in return, he took down an entire roleplay we worked on together because he made all the graphics and left the page empty and blank while i was at work and couldn’t do anything about it. him and his boyfriend would call me names, made fun of me when i confided in them and came out as bisexual and told me i was just looking for attention and many other fucking instances where i was made to feel like shit. every time i called him out about stuff he did or said at all, i had to deal with abuse from in person and because i didn’t know how to approach the situation or deal with it, i let him get away with treating other people in the rpc like trash.

cameron and i grew apart after he quit the rpc. he ran out of aliases to use to destroy groups and i was working on actively trying to get out of the wake of destruction him and the friend group that yes, i followed around, left behind. i put forth the effort to work on learning about racism more in depth, i went to therapy to deal with the assaults and stuff i was going through and i used writing to cope with it and found a solid group of people that were actually decent. i admit that i was part of the problem by not saying anything to cameron, i was terrified of him and losing the only friend i had in my real life at the time. i know what he did hurt a lot of people in the rpc, including now the anon, and i realize that my silence until much later was not of any help at all. my activism now isn’t performative--- i’ve tried so hard over the last few years to learn and educate myself on the blm movement and i’m still learning every day. my intentions and heart have never been malicious and i deeply apologize to you, oksi, if you read this because i know it’s you that sent that anon. i’m sorry that my silence and lack of maturity and balls to confront cameron hurt you and i’m sorry for being a part of the problem. i’m sorry to whoever knew me back then and saw the people i surrounded myself with and that i was so focused on fitting in and belonging to a group (even a really fucking shitty one) stop me from speaking up when it mattered the most. i wish that this had been addressed to me privately so i could’ve talked to her and heard her side of the story but i understand that she probably felt uncomfortable and unsafe given our past and who she used to associate me with. i do not and will not ever stand for racism, i’m working every single fucking day to learn and spread resources and educate myself and to not overstep my boundaries or talk over the black community because it’s NOT my place. i can’t speak for the other person mentioned in this post and i hope she comes forward if she feels inclined to and tell her side of the story but this is mine. holding myself accountable for being a part of the problem. 

i’m sorry if any of this upset anyone and if this means i’m going to lose friendships or mutuals over this. i understand and it’s fine. i’m not looking to victimize myself at all and i’m admitting to the fact that i was complacent and silent and i’m really sorry. i’m not like that anymore and i’m always one of the first people to call horrible shit out, probably too much because i spent so much time NOT saying anything out of fear. and if you read any of this, thank you? i don’t know what this is going to do but i hope it helps shed light on my side of the story. again, oksi, i’m really fucking sorry- you don’t have to forgive me at all and i don’t expect you to but i hope you’ll at least hear this out and try to understand i’ve changed and i actively try every single day to be better than i used to be. thank you and sorry again.

[desperatelyseekingroleplay]

Searching for Discord 1x1

Hello! I’m looking for some skilled, experienced 1x1 partners for Discord roleplays. Please read to the end as there is a password I won't answer messages without.

•General/Writing Style•

I usually prefer sticking at around 4 paragraphs and up, but quality over quantity for the most part. These days I’ve been favoring a bit of a slower pace and writing 8+ paragraphs, however. I would prefer you write in 3rd person, past tense. Please have decent grammar and spelling, varied vocabulary and sentence structure, as well as decent syntax. Please provide me something of substance to respond to in your responses. Please also be somewhat experienced.

•Age•

18+ only, but 21+ preferred (I'm 23)

•Timezone•

EST. I don’t mind what timezone you’re in- waking up to new responses is exciting :)

•Platforms•

Discord is strongly preferred for the actual role-play. I can be convinced to use kik, Reddit, or Tumblr, however. 

•Response Frequency•

I'd prefer if you could respond at least a few times a week. I'm a pretty busy student can't always commit to much more than that, so I won't ask that of you. Please try to communicate when you will be gone or significantly less active for several weeks or more. I will try to do the same.

Please don’t contact me if you will be gone for a couple weeks plus very early into the role-play. I tend to lose interest very fast if there’s long breaks at the very beginning. Get me invested and I can wait quite a long time for you, though. 

I'm a bit less lenient with this when we're still doing introductions, so if we've barely said hello but a few days pass and I hear nothing, I'll assume you're no longer interested or never were in the first place and close our discussion. You are free to assume the same of me.

•Genre•

I'm a sucker for modern, romantic slice-of-life with a healthy dose of character-driven drama and angst. I also sometimes like to weave other genres in there too such as Supernatural, Mystery, Action, and Adventure. I'm really open to most things if the plot interests me. 

•Gender and Romantic Preference•

I strongly prefer playing a female main outside of MxM. Beyond that, I am open to MxF, FxF, NBxM/F, and MxM. Currently, I'm mostly in the mood for an MxF or possibly F//. My apologies, but please note I do not play male in MxF nor do I double up.

I do not engage in dichotomy personality dynamics and like pairings to be close to even as possible in contributions to the relationship. If a scene gets intimate, I'd prefer we fade to black.

•Plots/Creativity•

While I have plots listed, you're more than welcome to share plots of your own. I'd prefer it if you are open to brainstorming plot points and bouncing ideas off each other too. Let's keep this interesting for both of us so it stays alive.

•OCs•

I would prefer not to roleplay with OCs that are excessively shy, Mary-Sues, or OP. Additionally, please ensure your own OC does not monopolize the plot with their own issues and background. Let's share the spotlight.

I tend to play multiple side-characters and would prefer if you did too.

Please do not control my main OC or any named side characters I introduce. It can really mess with my plans with them if you suddenly auto-kill out of nowhere or something... If necessary, I may permit you to control a side character of mine, but please run it by me first. Communication is key.

•Fandoms•

I am willing to roleplay within the universe of several fandoms, but please note I do not roleplay as canon characters and would prefer not to roleplay with canon characters either. Please recall that I am more than happy to do original plots too if you aren't into any of these.

-Corpse Party**

-Black Mirror*

-Death Note

-Avatar The Last Airbender*

-Downton Abbey

-Call The Midwife*

-Dragon Quest(IV-IX)***

-Miraculous Ladybug****(I'd love to delve into the more subtle, darker elements like the consequences of a broken miraculous and time travel)

-Fruits Basket***

-Soul Eater

-The Hunger Games

(The number of * indicates craving)

•Original Plots•

(Muse I would like to play is bolded. If neither are bolded, I can do either. All of these are open to brainstorming and tweaking!)

(This is an older one of mine, but I’ve recently kinda been in the mood to start it up again.) Marianoh’s Culinary Institute is the most renowned school for culinary arts in the country. Any who truly wish to be a master chef would be foolish not to attend. Unless they don’t have the means- the tuition is insanely high. Muse A is part of the lucky few of humble beginnings that has been selected to attend via scholarship. They couldn’t be more excited. Muse B, on the other hand, comes from a family of celebrity chefs. Their spot at Marianoh’s was confirmed before birth. Yet, somehow, they don’t share Muse A’s joy. Far from it, actually. What happens when the two are partnered up for the year?

 Muse A has always been at the top of their class since early elementary and thrived on it. They come from a family of high achievers where failure is neither seen nor accepted. Proud and arrogant over their achievements, their grades make them, them. All that changed when Muse B showed up, smashing the entrance exams with marks unheard of. Of course Muse A wouldn’t take that lying down, thus, the classic rivalry begins. What happens when the two find they have more in common than they thought? Life on Muse B’s side is not all it seems as well.

They were the voice in their head. The imaginary friend. For as long as they can remember, Muses A and B have always been there for each other when they needed it. But to everyone else, it’s all in their heads. They was saved from that riptide by pure chance and luck, despite being unable to swim. The bullies were coming for them, but they found that little nook to hide in all on their own. Flash forward to current day, the two are attending the same university. Muse A is an upstart, trying to make a name for themself academically and socially, the latter going much better than the former. Muse B is the opposite, the social anxiety fueled by a rocky past relegating them to basically a shut in. Their grades, on the other hand, are phenomenal despite barely ever attending classes. When a sibling suggests they try working as a tutor to get out more, they have their doubts, but decide to go for it anyway. The first student walk-in, however, just so happens to be Muse A...

Please note the idea for this world is not mine, but I unfortunately don’t remember the title of the original story. If this sounds familiar to you, feel free to comment the details and I’ll credit the story! Anyhow, in a smaller country, tucked away from the rest of the world, people are born into a unique system. They are either Energy Givers or Energy Takers. Their ability activates from a young age and they are paired with the most compatible one of the opposite ability as soon as possible, usually early elementary school. Energy is transferred from the giver to the taker via a kiss on the lips and must be done at least once a day. While partners are not necessarily romantically involved, the two depend on each other immensely. Without receiving energy, the taker will quickly tire, weaken and collapse becoming comatose and at risk of death. If they do not give energy, the giver’s energy supply builds up making them suffer from nausea, lethargy, fevers, and other unpleasant symptoms that will gradually worsen to the point where their life is in danger. Should a pair of partners be separated either through death or other means, the lone individual must visit a donation center where they will be paired with a donor that somewhat matches until a more compatible, new permanent partner is finally found.].

Now for the main plot. Muse A and Muse B are a Giver-Taker pair that has been together since childhood. Their feelings grew from platonic to romantic and by high school, the two were a golden, seemingly unbreakable couple. Near the end their last year, all comes to a grinding halt when Muse B suddenly breaks up with Muse A and disappears. Five years down the line, Muse A is a jaded, lonely individual, known for constantly going from donor to donor. Deciding they need a change, they take a teaching job in a boarding school on the other side of the country. Yet when they walk into the faculty office on their first day, they find themselves placed in a desk right next to Muse A. Not only this, the two are in the same department. How will things proceed?

Contact Instructions: Please either message me here @addienadelaide or email me at lisanimealis@gmail.com with BOTH your favorite season and a recently written roleplay sample. If all looks good I will give you my discord and we can move things there. Hope to hear from some of you soon!

[saiyoyuutsume]

My RWBY OC

Hello All!

A while ago I posted a picture of the RWBY OC I’ve been working on and since then I’ve been trying to pull together all of my thoughts on who she is as a person (especially because I intend to write a fanfiction based on her and her team). Below I’ve included a lot of what I have so far (apologies for length), but I hope to potentially include her in RP at some point heheh ^^; - please let me know what you think!!

Name: Guinevere Starling

Name Meaning: Guinevere = Blessed; Fair; White / Starling = A type of bird

Nickname(s): Eve, Gwen, Ginny (parents & Childhood friends only)

Gender: Female

Age: 21

Height: 5’3”

Weight: 100 lbs

Race: Faunus – Bird type (Violet Fischer’s Lovebird) - Her faunus trait is her wings which were mostly shades of purple when she was young, but once she discovered her semblance they paled out and took on an iridescent shine.

Date of Birth: 9/22

Place of Birth: Mistral

Orientation: Interested in Men

Personality: Generally, Eve is a sweet, soft-spoken girl who is somewhat shy, but she tries to be as friendly as possible to everyone she meets. Once she becomes comfortable with a person or place, she can be quite the comedian and perhaps even a bit boisterous and impulsive. She can sometimes have a bit of a temper, but you always know that if Eve is mad, there is a good reason for it! She is also fiercely protective of the people she loves, which is one of the biggest reasons she decided to attend the huntsman academies.

Likes: Flying, Fashion, Music / Dislikes: Fighting (ironically), Loud Noises, Cooked Okra

Facial Features: Eve is fair-skinned, but tans easily due to her semblance (see below). She has large, expressive eyes and petite features with a heart shaped facial structure.

Aura Color: Lavender / Eye Color: Lavender

Hair Color: White that fades into a purple towards the ends

Hair Style: Generally, Eve wears her hair in neat, mid-back length beach waves with side-swept bangs. It is usually half tied back in a large hair bow. The color of her hair bow often represents what her feelings/mood is that day, but you would have to get to know her well in order to figure that out.

Voice Pitch/Accent: Soft-spoken and somewhat melodic, without being too high-pitched

Body Build: Very petite, but toned by her years of training.

Appearance (Battle – Signal Days): A white Greek style, knee-length toga dress with brown leather wrapped waist belt and leather sandals. Archery arm warmers and gloves, plus a small, brown-leather messenger bag. She has her swallowtail butterfly emblem emblazoned on her messenger bag’s front flap and a large, 4-panel, heart-shaped locket with pictures of the people she cherishes most is clipped to it.

Appearance (Battle – Beacon Days): A lavender colored cardigan with loose, cold shoulder, elbow-length sleeves over the top of a long, white, button-up blouse with black, archery style arm warmers and gloves, a pair of black shorts, and heeled, combat ankle-boots. Over the top of her cardigan, she wears a utility belt with various type of arrowheads and dust cartridges – her Locket is clipped at the belt buckle and her swallowtail butterfly emblem is embroidered at both bottom corner hems of her cardigan.

Appearance (Battle - Post Beacon): Thigh-high, black stockings with her Swallowtail Butterfly emblem on them, heeled combat boots with purple ribbons that have bows on the ankles, Black shorts with gold studs, a crème colored high-low, strapless shirt-dress and a black, tailed, tuxedo-esque, high-necked, backless jacket with gold accessories. Her locket is clipped to the under-bust of her jacket.

Appearance (Special): Eve is quite the fashionista and has several formal dresses to choose from depending on her given mood for a special event.

Appearance (Casual): She prefers lacey dresses that range from girly to gothic with the appropriate accompanying accessories, but you will almost never see her without her locket and hair bow. She also finds comfort in jeans and loose-fitting tops, which she often has to cut the back out of to make room for her wings.

Appearance (Sleepwear): A backless, oversized t-shirt or sweater with cotton pajama pants or shorts

Weapon(s): Solar Flare

Weapon Appearance: An elegant bow in lavender colored metal and dark wood with gold filigree. Her quiver includes a dust cartridge at the bottom with varying types of dust-pods that an arrow will be dipped into based on a set of buttons she presses on a wrist-watch style device she wears.

Weapon Forms: Her weapon can separate and transform into two tonfa with small caliber, semi-automatic, dust-powered guns at the touch of a button. With a great deal more manual transformation effort, it can also become a violin.

Weapon Abilities: Dust specific charges for both gun and arrow features

Semblance: Light Manipulation

Semblance Explanation: Eve’s semblance involves various ways of manipulating light, from bending light waves around herself and other objects to make things “invisible” to the concentration or light waves to create flashes, etc. She can use the superficial light around her for basic bending skills or she can absorb light for larger attacks and low-light conditions. Her wings often act as solar panels to collect, store and concentrate light or to power her aura for longer stints of invisibility. One can tell her semblance is in use by the color of her wings - the more light she takes in or uses, the more of a golden hue they take on.

Cool-down: Once her aura is depleted/broken, recovery to use her semblance again is dependent on the intensity of light around her that she can absorb to recharge her aura, but even intense sunlight can take up to 30 minutes depending on the amount of damage done.

Downfalls: The larger the object, the more difficult it is to hold invisibility. The same is said for objects she is not in physical contact with. If she must hide a large object she is not touching, her aura depletes extremely quickly. Also, her ability to absorb light does not make her semblance infinite. Between her natural rate of recharge and her ability to absorb light, her aura still drains more quickly than she can recharge when her semblance is in use at the same time. (Also, being invisible does not mean she is silent).

Aura Usage: In battle, she uses her semblance mostly for parlor tricks – misdirection with hidden objects/weapons and flashes of light for distraction. She is best when given the opportunity for stealth attacks, but she can only maintain invisibility for so long and time limitations are often set by the amount of light available.

Skills & Hobbies: Figure skating, Playing the Violin, In process of learning the Harp. She often plays the violin and writes music based on her feelings or events in her life – she keeps a “Musical Diary” of songs she writes based on her life and the people in it.

History (Back Story): Eve was born in Mistral to a family that was well off, but who lived in a lower income neighborhood in order to afford better things for their children. She was started young in figure skating – around 3 years old – and began elementary school in a private school that her parents worked hard to afford for her and her siblings. Life was good to her beyond the usual turmoil that Faunus faced - bullying and persecution throughout the city. At about 8 years old, the bullying at school spilled over into her life outside school and she was attacked by a group of students who pulled her feathers out of her wings. She discovered her semblance while she ran from them, wishing that she could be invisible and hide. After the incident, her parents decided to move the family back to Menagerie to be near their Grandparents and to avoid further persecution. Eve was no longer able to figure skate, so her parents enrolled her in Violin lessons instead. She became very timid after the incident and buried herself in her violin lessons and school as her feathers slowly grew back. While in Menagerie, life was easier, but she wanted more for herself. She no longer wanted to be timid and weak, she wanted to be strong enough to protect the people she loved from facing the pain she saw in the world, so she enrolled herself at Signal Academy despite her family’s protests. She chose Signal because it was not near Mistral, and it was neither hot like Vacuo nor cold like Atlas among other reasons. Through Signal, she learned to fight and created her own weapon, incorporating the violin feature as an homage to the very thing that helped her through her most difficult childhood memories. After graduating from Signal, she applied to Beacon. She was accepted and her team was formed. Her school life was full of shenanigans as well as the hardships of learning who you are. In her 4th year, she joined the Senior Mentor program to assist 1st year students. She was present as a 4th Year at the Fall of Beacon. (I plan to write a fanfiction based on her time at Beacon and beyond that – yes it does conflict with the canon and ultimately is a canon re-write – I had issues, but that’s a long story lol)

[saybwee]

My story - Childhood

As I threatened last night, it’s time to tell my story. My memory is horrible for my early years, so there may be a lot I forget, but onwards! My life starts as most do, with being born. In Greenville, South Carolina, the hospital was closing, but that’s where my mother was taken to have me. They clocked my birth according to my dad’s watch cause the clock had already been removed from the room and none of the doctors or nurses were wearing watches. It was 1:58 pm, April 14th, 1983. 

About a year later, my parents moved to be closer to theirs, and Ladson, SC is where we moved. It was a mobile home, I believe, a small walk away from where my mother’s parents lived, on a large-ish piece of land. 

I don’t remember much about that time of my life. I know my grandfather grew big round sweet grapes in his yard. I remember being on someone’s shoulders, looking up and seeing the moon bigger than I ever had before, like I could reach out and touch it. One time I got in big trouble because I walked over to my grandparents’ place by myself to visit them without telling my parents. They stomped me home and put me into the corner. I remember crying because I had no idea what I’d done had been wrong. I remember being sat on the couch with my cousin (son of my dad’s sister), then having him walk and stomp all over me with his shoes. I remember making my mom rescue an earthworm that was in an ant hill and being swarmed. Not much else.

When we moved from that house, I was about 5, and my mom took a video of the place, our house and my grandparents’. I was with her most of the time, (and because at this point I’ve seen that stupid video 3264754736 times, which included every time I brought a significant other to meet them, and during my dad’s drunken rewatches because he misses when I was little and not a disappointment to everyone in the family), I also know that at that point my mom’s younger sister and brother were living at my grandparents’ place at the time as well.

We moved into another mobile home, this time in a relatively well-kept trailer park. While I attended kindergarten and elementary school, I was eager in school and worked hard to make my parents proud, though I was always a teacher’s pet, quiet, chubby, and so got made fun of quite a bit by other kids. I guess I brought it somewhat on myself. I remember my first kindergarten friend, M, and I running around on all fours outside during recess, pretending to be animals. Eventually my parents made me stop hanging out with her, because they thought she was a bad influence. She told my parents when she stayed over one night that she was a witch or something, and because “she was a liar” she was forcibly removed as a friend.

Eventually I made a friend on my street named K. K lived with her brother and her mom who had divorced, and eventually her mom’s new husband moved in. They were a really nice family, though I honestly had more fun hanging out with K’s little brother than I did with her (I preferred his K’nex and liking to pretend to be dinosaurs over the contemporary christian music and dolls my other friend liked to play with. This caused a lot of fights, but we tended to make up and spend time together anyway.)

When I went to middle school, I was bullied. A group of kids would make fun of me, steal my tests and cheat when the teacher wasn’t looking, and in general harassed and intimidated me, though I don’t think they were ever violent. I asked my mom to put me in a private school to get away from the bullying. She didn’t, but my dad did go to the school to complain. I was sent to the office, then in walked the girls that had been harassing me, all staring me down with horrible angry looks while the (counselor, I think) basically told them to lay off of me. I think the bullying got a bit worse before I got better. Every move I did, even as simply as pulling my pants up a bit cause they were sliding down, was scrutinized and made fun of. I learned to hate and fear those quiet voices that always ended in stares and giggles. 

In 4th grade I graded high enough on a placement test that I was put in a gifted and talented program. Because of this, my parents kept raising the bar of what they thought were acceptable grades and behavior. Anything below an A after this point was met with disappointment, angry words, and sometimes yelling. (You can imagine what happened when I failed a math class in high school, heh).

Around this time I had made a couple more friends on my street. One birthday my parents gifted me with a wooden playhouse that they’d built, about the size of a smallish shed, with a little table and chairs inside, a door, and a window. I have no idea how it happened, or who started it, but I guess when I was around 11 some friends and I started playing Truth or Dare and strip Uno in the playhouse. It lasted a good number of months,  Eventually one kid ran out, opening his big mouth about what had happened, loud enough for his dad to hear. We all got in trouble, and grounded by our respective parents, but I was grounded for a month whereas the others were outside and playing after a week or so. This was after my dad had yelled at me and hit my arm repeatedly and told me I was a sorry, stupid person, and who knows what else. My mom had to grab me and take me to the car and drive around to give him time to cool off, all the while basically telling me not to be a slut like my dad’s sister. So yeah, great family bonding.

Also in this time, if I ever complained that I missed the dogs my parents kept adopting and giving away when they had behavior issues, I was yelled at, though I did have some wonderful pets when I was growing up. Prina, the first cat I picked out at the SPCA, basically turned into my guardian, following me around when I’d play outside, or walking me to or from where the bus picked me up or dropped me off. Magick, a tiny fluffy kitten found under our neighbor’s car, became our second cat, though my dad resisted for the longest time, not being very fond of cats. I also had a hamster or two, a hedgehog (we gave him away when he bit the crap out of my hand and wouldn’t let go and I was too afraid to handle him after that) and temporarily adopted frogs and lizards (even a turtle once, from my grandparents’ pool) in jars or boxes that I would observe and release the next day. My dad eventually brought home a pomeranian puppy that my mom fell in love with. It essentially became her dog though, as it didn’t seem to like being around me much.

This is also when I remember my dad’s drinking becoming a problem. I told my mom I kept seeing him drink and trying to hide it, and she suggested I talk to him about it. When I did, my dad called me a liar and made me wait on the couch for hours until my mother came home so he could “tell her what I did”? I don’t remember his reasons, I just remember apologizing a lot and changing my story that I didn’t see anything. I was scared of him.

There was one time my dad wanted to take me to a Nascar race. I wanted his approval and his excitement was infectious, so I went. I was maybe 12 or 13. It was at Daytona Beach a few hours away. While we were driving, my dad started head-bobbing at the wheel, his eyes barely open, and the car was swerving. I yelled at him to stop the car and let me out, I was terrified. He managed to park at a gas station, and I got out and ran to a hotel that I could see from the car. I was crying so much... but the employees there were very nice, stuffed me full of donuts and let me use the phone to call my mom so she could come get me. According to my dad, while I was waiting for her to get me (about an hour and a half away or something), the police came and he was taken away in handcuffs. I'm not sure who called them, actually. Either way, on our way home, my mom and I stopped at a hardware store and got a new doorknob so my mom could change the lock. We got home, and my mom started changing the doorknob, and then my dad came in, in full rage mode, slamming the door open and smashing my mom in the head with the knob, and chasing me into my room where he proceeded to yell at me about what a stupid, selfish bitch I was and that he'd never been more humiliated in his entire life. He swore up and down he wasn't drunk though and they let him go?? The details aren't clear.

For a while my parents separated and after promising he wouldn’t drink anymore, and because I guess I was spending too much time on the internet after school and had other behavioral issues (jesus I wonder fucking why, maybe cause I was traumatized and couldn’t stand being around my parents? Who knows), my dad moved back in and began to drink again. My mother made excuses for him, and blamed me if I was upset because of my dad’s behavior, telling me not to let him rule my emotions. 

There are times I remember seeing my drunk dad piss in the sink, walk around with his junk hanging out, stuff food in his face while standing at the fridge and making the most disgusting noises. He called me names while he was drunk, told me I was stupid and worthless. Drunk Dad was something I dealt with every night all through middle and high school, and two years after.

It wasn’t all bad though. Even though there were a lot of things my mom did that I felt were controlling, privacy-breaking or unfair, she made my birthdays awesome, throwing me big parties with some friends I’d made from school. My mom is good at making holidays and birthdays feel really special. She’s also good at being really nice sometimes and absolutely awful other times, but that’s a story for another day.

So we’ve made it, in a very convoluted and weird way, to my high school years, which I’ll get into in the next post. Thank you for reading my weirdness!

[lady-nevermore]

Session 2

Before I begin talking about what happened in Therapy, can I just say how relieved, and am low-key/sorta glad,  that I actually managed to get a good night’s sleep last night? I actually fucking managed to go to bed early, get 8 hours of sleep, and woke up around 6 AM without feeling like I was gonna pass out from sleep-deprivation (Yess! Take that insomnia)! >:D 

Yesterday, as well as last Saturday (and even the earlier part of Today), were actually some pretty good days for me; These last couple of weekends Me and mom have been going to church for the last couple of Sundays around 6AM (most would be surprised with me being semi-religious/agnostic, but it was nice actually, calming even....) and closely afterwards we’ve been trying to make a habit of walking to our local library that’s close by (where there also happens to be a local duck pond in conjunction with said library). And Yesterday, on our way back from church, we even managed to help save this poor kitty (that had it’s head stuck in a jar). 

So yeah, woke up around 6 AM in the morn today, and took a walk with my mom to our local library. It was nice (soothing even) just walking around in the crisp cold fresh morning breeze, and looking at the reflection of the pond whilst taking in the local wildlife: ducks obviously, a couple of squirrels, robins, crows, hell we even saw a fish (Salmon I think) jump and flop back into the water like twice, as well as saw a falcon on the rooftop of the library at one point too. It was nice, seeing these animals just go about their business, frolicking and whatnot. It made me smile. :) 

We’re trying to make this a habit of sorts, (this the third time/third weekend now that we’ve done this, so far so good right) in order to help me get used to getting out of the house more often and make a ritual of getting some low-key exercise along the way.....Umm, does walking for half an hour or even an entire hour count as exercise?. lol ^^; 

Anyways, I’ve also managed to accompany my parents to the grocery store during these last past couple of weekends aswell; and yesterday, I even plucked up the courage to go with them to Lowes and helped my folks pick out and buy a new washing-machine (the last one we had, has been on it’s last/final legs for like effing years now, so this was def. a long time coming).

Hell, today, I even managed to get some spring-cleaning done and dusted the crap outta my room and living room (haven’t dusted my damn room in ages, so it’s been a long time coming) and I’m not gonna lie, but it feels so much nicer/cleaner/fresh now that it’s not soo goddamn dusty, it’s nice. ^^;

And tbh all things considered, doing all of this as of late (even if it may seem miniscule to everyone else) has all really made me feel somewhat productive, and I think that it’s helping me a lot. 

But anyways, back to the actual therapy session itself...

May 22, 2017

So, Second day of Therapy today...

And well, shit.... I mean knew it was gonna happen eventually (and here’s me thinking it was gonna take like ages for this to happen cause, if there’s one thing I really hate and can’t stand: it’s me crying in front of people, especially people I know or am emotionally attached to; it makes me feel soo fucking vulnerable, uncomfortable, exposed, and worst of all weak) but yeah, I didn’t actually think I was gonna cry this early on in our sessions (I mean we just barely got started). >_>;

...At first, My therapist just asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was feeling nervous, nervous that during this session, we were actually gonna start digging into deeper, more emotional stuff, than the simple mere evaluation she did during our first initial session. and that’s when we started to talk and go through basically a timeline of my entire life up to this point so to speak.

- Age 5-6: Emotionally (and sometimes physically abused) by my Aunt whom was living/sharing a household with me, my parents, her husband and son at the time, let’s call her “Aunt C”; I felt like I was living in a broken home, a household full of domestic fighting (screaming matches) between my poor victimised mom and my poor excuse of an aunt who was basically a control freak and snapped / flew off the handle at every little thing. My parents were always working hard trying to make ends meet, they weren’t intentionally neglecting me or anything like that, they are good decent people (we grew up poor), but they just never really had the luxury or time to be spending time with me let alone take care of me (and so left me in my Aunt’s care cause they had no choice and it was convenient). The fighting was so bad that at one point I remember being horrified and in a state of utter shock as my “Aunt C” held my mom up against the wall with her hand around her throat (the memory of My Aunt almost attempting to strangle my mother will forever be burned in my mind). My younger self took refuge at school, My therapist says that due to the fact that I didn’t feel safe (nor was I getting enough consistent: love, attention, etc), that I started to block out everything that was happening at home via focusing on my school life, and thereby using my teachers and friends as substitute parental figures and family respectfully, in order to fill the void of what lacked in my home-life (I’ve done this all the way up till high school, I always consider my teachers as parental figures, adults I could legit trust, and each group of friends as my second/replacement family of sorts)....My therapist ain’t wrong: That’s why I always loved going to school, why my friends were the bright lights in my life from elementary school all the way up till high-school, and why I felt so damn attached to my teachers growing up, even all the way up till I graduated from High-School, to me they were my heroes (and it’s the main reason I wanted to become a teacher myself growing up.......and why I personally took one of my Teacher’s/Mentor’s/Old Friend’s death/passing soo damn hard during the year 2011, well that, and because  I was actually a close friend to them, as well). 

But none of that made me cry what struck a nerve, what really effing struck a nerve was the fact that when I was a Junior during High School, my dad had heart surgery (I was around 16 at the time), and my dad needed my mom to stay close to him (cause he was really scared and felt helpless without her), and I ended up staying at my “Aunt C” and her family’s house for a while.... And see here’s the thing, Aunt C has a son (my cousin) and I remember him telling me that he felt like i bullied him when we were kids, and in my mind we were just rough-housing, messing around as kids do when they’re 5-6.....He was serious when he told me he felt like I bullied him, and I felt absolutely fucking disgusted with myself, like sick to my stomach disgusted with myself, because in my mind I resent being put in the same category as my Aunt C or even being compared to her; because I always and will forever visualize/connect bullying with abuse (that and I personally hate the idea of people hurting other people; this all thank’s to my Aunt C).....funny how things came back full circle huh?......But anyways, when my cousin told me this, I apologized, and sincerely too....it was a serious moment between the two of us (because my voice started to crack with emotion, from tearing up in front of him), he accepted my apology and we never spoke of the incident again. 

When I was explaining all of this to my Therapist, I didn’t even realizing  i started to cry (like the silent, suffer in silence type of crying too); what really made me cry harder and struck a nerve was that she told me (after me telling her that I wished I would have known better as kid) was that it wasn’t my fault, that I shouldn’t be blaming 5-6 year old me for something that I wasn’t even mature enough to truly comprehend in regards to my actions and their respective consequences/repercussions.....I thought that I already made my peace with all of this in the past.....but to be honest, I think that really I needed to hear that from my Therapist. 

We talked a lot about other moments in my life as well, like when I was 7 years old, my parents had left me with my godparents for like a week, and this was during Summer Vacation mind you (cause they didn't want me near my Aunt C anymore, and they were scrambling, looking for another place to live); I felt abandoned, like my parents abandoned me; my silly 7 year old self couldn’t emotionally comprehend what was happening, and didn't realize that it was only a mere short week( but in my mind at the time, it felt like months)....That was the first time I ever had a panic attack, the night my parents left me with my godparents (my godparents are and were good people mind you, I just wasn’t close or didn;t really know them all too well at the time). 

We also talked about My High school Graduation, and how I noted that i felt depressed, sad, alone, and how I felt somewhat distant/abandoned by my friends (which I obviously blamed myself for); and how afterwards Grad-Night (they still do these nowadays right?) first kicked off my insomnia. -___-;

And the fact that one of the reasons why I feel so anxious is the fact that I’m afraid of encountering or spontaneously meeting up with some of my old teachers or high school friends, She asked me why I felt like this; and I said it was mostly because, I was mostly known as the straight A student, a teacher’s pets; and that these people had high hopes for me, hell I had high hopes for me; and that I’m afraid of feeling their disappointment, anger, rejection, of the the fact that I wasted my life after high-school, that and well.......that I’m also ashamed that I cut them all out of my life after I fell into a deep deep depression and had a mental/nervous breakdown (after my Mentor/Teacher/Friend passed away, and me shortly after failing all of my college classes, and dropping out of community college). Because if there is one thing I value above all else: it’s Loyalty and Friendship (I also told her that i’ve always had trouble keeping friendships in the past due to my trust issues, that stem mostly from my abusement from my Aunt C...cause if you can’t even trust family, how can i trust anyone else; but trust me, I fight against that anxiety-filled reflex as hard as i can, in order to still continue to strive and open-up/connect with people, especially those i consider and am honored to call: friend). 

But the second thing that made me cry was the fact that My Therapist told me that she thinks that I’m a really strong person for willing to try to come to therapy in order to get better, and that I still had my whole life ahead of me (I’m 25 mind you, am a college dropout, doesn’t know how to drive, still live with my folks who deserve a better daughter than me, never even had a job before and am housebound, and all of this makes me feel like a goddamn failure), and that it wasn’t too late......hearing someone else besides my parents tell me this, solidified the possibility of there being some actual truth to what she was saying, that there was actually hope, and that was what made me cry, because of nigh possibility that there was still fucking hope for me.....well, that and that it might not be too late for me to reconnect with some of my old high-school friends from the past, even if it’s been 8 years too late (this one still scares the crap out of me mostly for fear of confronting them, their rejection and disappointment, facing their anger, etc). 

....After a while, she told me that I placed waaay too many high expectations of myself (am too damn hard on myself) and she told me, that, that is my anxiety talking not, me.

And that she was glad to hear that I started putting in the effort of me trying to voluntarily going with my parents to the grocery store during the weekends (these past three weekends), as well as that fact that me and my mom have been trying to go to church, and take walks near our local library (you know the one with the duck pond). 

Feeling sorta drained right now, gonna try to head to bed at 10:30 or 11 PM, in order to wake up early again (really need and want to kick my insomnia’s ass)....I’m sure there are loads of stuff I forgot to mention, or that I accidently skipped...If remember, I’ll probably do another one of these blog posts, and call it: “Therapy Session 2 Part 2″ or something like that. heh xP

- Lady Nevermore

[crispynipple]

Ok so i know its been a few weeks since haikyuu season three ended but ive been thinking a lot recently about what Tendou says in the last episode and i dont browse the Haikyuu tag enough to know if anyones talked about it yet so if not im here to talk about it. So in the final episode of season three after Shiratorizawa loses, we get a scene with Tendou saying the following: “Farewell, my paradise” as seen in the photo below.

So when i first heard him say this, of course, being the Tendou fanatic i am, i did get a little emotional. I thought he was talking about all the straight wins that he acquired while attending Shiratorizawa. But this scene truly got me thinking, “why is it so bad that he lost before going to Nationals, when he has gone the past two years?”, then  i realized, he isn’t talking about losing, he’s talking about the safe haven he found at Shiratorizawa, or more specifically, the Shiratorizawa team. In a previous episode we gathered insight and flashbacks of Tendou’s childhood days playing volleyball. When he was just starting out playing volleyball, no one wanted to play with him because he was the weird kid, or a “monster” as they said in one of these flashbacks.

They even go as far as to say he looks like one. For what reason they believe that, i have no clue. I mean, hell, the kid on the right looks like something straight out of a toilet wand commercial but whatever. They leave Tendou alone and exclude them from playing simply because they dont like him. Later in this episode we get to witness a scene where Tendou finally gets to play with the other kids and he wins a point against them. Now going back to the second season for a second, we get to see Tsukki talking to Bokuto and Kuroo about how he has never truly experienced a moment where he loved volleyball. Bokuto then tells Tsukki, “it’s a matter of whether ‘that moment’ exists for you or not...If you experience that moment,...”

“...it’ll really get you hooked on volleyball.” In this scene, Tendou truly experiences his blooming love for volleyball, and doesn’t let anyone let him not play and he decides to do his own thing. So, great. He’s gained his love for volleyball and continues playing throughout elementary school despite being bullied by the other kids trying to exclude him. That’s great, but then comes middle school. In middle school, he experiences what it’s like having a coach telling him how to play, instead of coming up with his own play style, saying:

Though this is how he plays and how he feels comfortable playing, he gets scolded for doing it and for playing how he wants. Even though Tendou is later quoted saying “but I’ve scored a lot of points on just my hunch”, his coach continually berates him, saying:

Though this in and of itself is correct, do you really think Tendou cares personally? If he truly cared whether or not he won, wouldn’t you think he would follow his coaches advice? We saw before that he only started playing because he felt good while playing, he felt good when he was able to score a point. That right there doesn’t bother him. He just wants to play volleyball where volleyball is more enjoyable instead of stressful(though throughout season three he was always striving to win more points to win and even playing against the opposing team emotionally). Add another obstacle onto Tendou’s list, a controlling coach. Boom, done. After Tendou walks away, he head towards what looks like a storage closet in the gym, where he overhears his fellow teammates talking about him, saying the following:

Once again, he’s being judged for something that is just a part of him, his personality. He has already experienced this one time before, when he first started volleyball. Tendou, after overhearing the conversation, then walks away, presumably to get away from people who are talking bad about him behind his back. Tendou throughout his volleyball career has had to deal with unhelpful teammates, a coach that tries to control how he plays, and teammates that try excluding him from any club activity. Tendou just deserves a hug can we make a protect Tendou squad? I just love him so much. #ProtectTendou2k17. Anyways back to the subject at hand. After finishing middle school, he then has to choose the high school he wishes to attend. Like most other Japanese students, he probably did some research according to the things he wants to do in future life and, of course, according to his club activities. Assuming Shiratorizawa was already a major powerhouse school before Ushijima went there(i believe it was) Tendou decided to go there not only for his studies but also to pursue volleyball further. When he goes to meet the coach of the volleyball team at Shiratorizawa, he says that he “just want[s] to play volleyball that makes [him] feel good”. I wish i screencaped him saying that but i didn’t unfortunately so you have to deal with me quoting him. After he expresses his feelings about the matter he shows this expression:

This is the expression of someone who has gradually lost their love for something this is a very solemn expression. He feels somewhat embarrassed that he has to express what he wants in such a plain manner to the coach. The person in charge of exposing the teams true potential in matches. He tells this to the coach specifically because he’s already gone through not being able to play the way he wants and having to conform to the ways the coach wants him to. If the coach at Shiratorizawa doesn’t allow him to play how he wants, Tendou most likely would’ve quit volleyball, considering the way he looks and how desperate he acts towards the coach about this matter. You can even tell the difference between how he acts in front of this coach than he did with his old middle school coach. He talked back to his middle school one but over time he gradually caved inward on himself and no longer is the free spirit he once was, all because of how he was treated during his volleyball years. But then the coach responded to him(and i wish i had screencapped this too ughh), “I don’t care, as long as you’re able to win” (more or less).

Can’t you just feel his expression and mood lift? He finally gets to play volleyball the way he desires, the way he loves to play, and on a team where he feels needed. And that’s exactly what happens. Over the course of his next three years at school, he finally gets to play a version of volleyball he loves, a version of volleyball where he always has the upper hand and it’s just overall so beautiful. Then the game against Karasuno happens, and Shiratorizawa loses. As we see in the manga and also in the anime i believe, Tendou says he isn’t going to continue playing volleyball. When he says “farewell, my paradise”, he isnt just referring to their constant win streak. He’s talking about the paradise he found in the Shiratorizawa volleyball team, a paradise where he can play how he wants, a paradise where he’s included in the matches, a paradise that didn’t and couldn’t last forever, and this makes me upset. Tendou is such a complex character and he deserves a lot more love than he gets. I’m not going to be re reading this through so f there are any spelling mistakes i apologize. And remember, #ProtectTendou2k17. Thank you for reading!

[currentbdnews]

https://ift.tt/2MT7DIX blues: What can parents do if their child bullies other kids?https://ift.tt/2wvbnXc Back-to-school blues: What can parents do if their child bullies other kids? For update news visit All Bd Newspaper

TORONTO — Little Johnny may not be a perfect angel, but his parents believe he’s a pretty good kid all around. But then comes a call from the principal that bursts that particular bubble: their son has reportedly been bullying other kids — a complete no-no given many schools’ zero-tolerance policies for such behaviour.

So why do kids bully and what are parents to do?

In many instances, bullying is an adaptive behaviour for a child, teen or adult, says Tony Volk of Brock University, pointing to U.S. President Donald Trump as a particularly glaring example.

“The first thing that predisposes people to doing it is that it’s effective at getting what you want in many cases,” says the professor of child and youth studies at the St. Catharines, Ont., university. “They want to get something out of it — popularity, sex, resources, the best place at lunch.

“And if you’re able to do it well, it often comes with relatively few costs, especially in the short run,” he says, noting however that the price for victims of bullying is often much higher, leading to what can be long-term effects on mental and physical health.

Tony Volk of Brock University is seen in an undated handout photo. (THE CANADIAN PRESS/HO-Brock University)

Psychiatrist Dr. Susan Baer, medical director of out-patient mental health services at B.C. Children’s Hospital, says a common reason for some children and teens to target someone in their peer group, for instance, is because they feel powerless in other aspects of their life.

Bullying is a means of obtaining power, she says.

“Other things can be wanting to gain social standing or attention, admiration from friends. Interestingly, one of the more common (reasons) is being bullied themselves.

“And sometimes, there can be sort of a culture — a bullying culture — either that the child has been exposed to in the home or in the school.”

Still, it’s not always clear whether a child is being actually bullied or if they are on one side of what would be considered merely conflict with another.

“So kids who might be very sensitive or have had a history of being bullied, they might experience some things as feeling bullied, whereas another child who is maybe more resilient, that kind of rolls off their back,” says Baer.

“In general, though, if you think about bullying there’s a feeling of power differential — that it’s not an argument between two people who are on an equal footing in a relationship.”

Research compiled by PREVNet (Promoting Relationships and Eliminating Violence Network) estimates that 10 to 15 per cent of children repeatedly bully others and the same percentage of kids is repeatedly bullied.

Younger children in elementary and middle schools are more likely to engage in bullying, which decreases in prevalence as children grow older, says PREVNet, a group of 130 Canadian researchers and 62 national youth organizations.

While there is less physical bullying as kids age, verbal, social and electronic bullying tend to rise between the ages of 11 and 15 — persisting “well into the high school years.” Studies have found a quarter of Canadian kids admit to cyberbullying, while one-third report having been the recipients of online persecution.

“Bullying is a thoroughly negative behaviour,” says Volk.

“The costs are very real and they’re not limited to just the victim, but the people around the victim, the other kids who observe it happening,” he says. “The social costs are potentially enormous.”

PREVNet says kids who are bullied have a higher risk of suicide — but so do those doing the bullying.

Many schools across the country are trying to discourage bullying by instituting zero-tolerance policies, with some also providing programs aimed at helping kids build self-confidence as well as healthy interpersonal relationships with their peers.

//

But what can parents do?

“The first step before you start thinking about trying to address it is trying to understand what lies behind it,” advises Baer.

“Sometimes kids with ADHD have a lot of impulsivity, maybe somewhat immature social skills.

“Or a teen might be developing depression and just feel really angry and irritable and that might be underlying it.”

Baer suggests that parents pick a time when they are feeling calm to talk to their child about what might be driving them to pick on other kids.

“Be direct and tell the child what you’ve heard, but then really take the time to listen and try to understand and ask questions,” she says.

Once a parent understands why the child is acting out, “you want to set very clear limits, that their behaviour is not acceptable. That might involve setting consequences.”

If a child has been engaged in cyberbullying, a consequence could be the loss of Internet privileges for a certain period. Parents may also insist that their child apologize to the victim — either in writing or in person — and help them figure out how best to do that.

“The child may be lacking in social skills to a certain extent, so then the focus might be on trying to develop friendship skills,” Baer says. “They might need some help with developing empathy and understanding what other people’s feelings are like.”

Parents also need to explore whether their own behaviour — such as marital conflict in the home — may be creating stress in their child, causing them to lash out at others, she says.

Volk says in some cases, parents who are hyper-competitive and value winning can become unwitting role models of bullying behaviour.

Such parents should “take a really hard look at themselves in the mirror and make sure they’re not setting an example that ‘Look at me climb the ladder, I was able to grind out my rivals.’ If you’re acting like that, there’s no surprise that your child is saying ‘This is what’s working for Mom and Dad, so I should do the same thing.”‘

Parents also need to make sure they’re emotionally connected and involved in their kids’ lives, including monitoring their behaviour, he says.

“Talk to the teacher, talk to the other kids, get involved, because if this is occurring and the parent doesn’t want it to occur, then chances are really good the child’s been deceptive,” he says. “So you really have to build those channels of communication with your child as early and as often as you can.

“Stay on it and be vigilant because it’s not likely to be a quick fix, especially if it’s persisted in the past. It’s going to be tough to change it in the future, but don’t give up.”

from https://ift.tt/2PFNV1V https://ift.tt/2MuZew5

[marilynngmesalo]

Back-to-school blues: What can parents do if their child bullies other kids?

Back-to-school blues: What can parents do if their child bullies other kids? https://ift.tt/2wvbnXc Back-to-school blues: What can parents do if their child bullies other kids?

TORONTO — Little Johnny may not be a perfect angel, but his parents believe he’s a pretty good kid all around. But then comes a call from the principal that bursts that particular bubble: their son has reportedly been bullying other kids — a complete no-no given many schools’ zero-tolerance policies for such behaviour.

So why do kids bully and what are parents to do?

In many instances, bullying is an adaptive behaviour for a child, teen or adult, says Tony Volk of Brock University, pointing to U.S. President Donald Trump as a particularly glaring example.

“The first thing that predisposes people to doing it is that it’s effective at getting what you want in many cases,” says the professor of child and youth studies at the St. Catharines, Ont., university. “They want to get something out of it — popularity, sex, resources, the best place at lunch.

“And if you’re able to do it well, it often comes with relatively few costs, especially in the short run,” he says, noting however that the price for victims of bullying is often much higher, leading to what can be long-term effects on mental and physical health.

Tony Volk of Brock University is seen in an undated handout photo. (THE CANADIAN PRESS/HO-Brock University)

Psychiatrist Dr. Susan Baer, medical director of out-patient mental health services at B.C. Children’s Hospital, says a common reason for some children and teens to target someone in their peer group, for instance, is because they feel powerless in other aspects of their life.

Bullying is a means of obtaining power, she says.

“Other things can be wanting to gain social standing or attention, admiration from friends. Interestingly, one of the more common (reasons) is being bullied themselves.

“And sometimes, there can be sort of a culture — a bullying culture — either that the child has been exposed to in the home or in the school.”

Still, it’s not always clear whether a child is being actually bullied or if they are on one side of what would be considered merely conflict with another.

“So kids who might be very sensitive or have had a history of being bullied, they might experience some things as feeling bullied, whereas another child who is maybe more resilient, that kind of rolls off their back,” says Baer.

“In general, though, if you think about bullying there’s a feeling of power differential — that it’s not an argument between two people who are on an equal footing in a relationship.”

Research compiled by PREVNet (Promoting Relationships and Eliminating Violence Network) estimates that 10 to 15 per cent of children repeatedly bully others and the same percentage of kids is repeatedly bullied.

Younger children in elementary and middle schools are more likely to engage in bullying, which decreases in prevalence as children grow older, says PREVNet, a group of 130 Canadian researchers and 62 national youth organizations.

While there is less physical bullying as kids age, verbal, social and electronic bullying tend to rise between the ages of 11 and 15 — persisting “well into the high school years.” Studies have found a quarter of Canadian kids admit to cyberbullying, while one-third report having been the recipients of online persecution.

“Bullying is a thoroughly negative behaviour,” says Volk.

“The costs are very real and they’re not limited to just the victim, but the people around the victim, the other kids who observe it happening,” he says. “The social costs are potentially enormous.”

PREVNet says kids who are bullied have a higher risk of suicide — but so do those doing the bullying.

Many schools across the country are trying to discourage bullying by instituting zero-tolerance policies, with some also providing programs aimed at helping kids build self-confidence as well as healthy interpersonal relationships with their peers.

//<![CDATA[ ( function() { pnLoadVideo( "videos", "jmiPuC_N8sU", "pn_video_878115", "", "", {"is_mobile":""} ); } )(); //]]>

But what can parents do?

“The first step before you start thinking about trying to address it is trying to understand what lies behind it,” advises Baer.

“Sometimes kids with ADHD have a lot of impulsivity, maybe somewhat immature social skills.

“Or a teen might be developing depression and just feel really angry and irritable and that might be underlying it.”

Baer suggests that parents pick a time when they are feeling calm to talk to their child about what might be driving them to pick on other kids.

“Be direct and tell the child what you’ve heard, but then really take the time to listen and try to understand and ask questions,” she says.

Once a parent understands why the child is acting out, “you want to set very clear limits, that their behaviour is not acceptable. That might involve setting consequences.”

If a child has been engaged in cyberbullying, a consequence could be the loss of Internet privileges for a certain period. Parents may also insist that their child apologize to the victim — either in writing or in person — and help them figure out how best to do that.

“The child may be lacking in social skills to a certain extent, so then the focus might be on trying to develop friendship skills,” Baer says. “They might need some help with developing empathy and understanding what other people’s feelings are like.”

Parents also need to explore whether their own behaviour — such as marital conflict in the home — may be creating stress in their child, causing them to lash out at others, she says.

Volk says in some cases, parents who are hyper-competitive and value winning can become unwitting role models of bullying behaviour.

Such parents should “take a really hard look at themselves in the mirror and make sure they’re not setting an example that ‘Look at me climb the ladder, I was able to grind out my rivals.’ If you’re acting like that, there’s no surprise that your child is saying ‘This is what’s working for Mom and Dad, so I should do the same thing.”‘

Parents also need to make sure they’re emotionally connected and involved in their kids’ lives, including monitoring their behaviour, he says.

“Talk to the teacher, talk to the other kids, get involved, because if this is occurring and the parent doesn’t want it to occur, then chances are really good the child’s been deceptive,” he says. “So you really have to build those channels of communication with your child as early and as often as you can.

“Stay on it and be vigilant because it’s not likely to be a quick fix, especially if it’s persisted in the past. It’s going to be tough to change it in the future, but don’t give up.”

Canoe Click for update news world news https://ift.tt/2PGsYEm world news

[piemuffin6]

Gotta smile through anything life throws at you

It's scary to move into a new world with people you've never seen before, but know that you're going to spend a long time of your life with them, and when one person that's supposed to guide you into your new life hates you with a passion. Kindergartner, Mike didn't know how to act in front of these new kids and knew that one slip up could mess up his future all up until college. He always enjoyed making people smile and laugh because this showed that he could be trusted, but for some reason a small group of  people hated seeing everyone else smile without him doing so. This group was referred to as the "Kings and Queens" of our grade since they basically ran how people act and who they hang out with. The teacher also didn't like it when the kids would smile without her permission because it means she wouldn't be in control of the class anymore. For the rest of kindergarten and up until middle school, the "Kings and Queens" would always be there to torment Mike and his friends.

In kindergarten, the teacher would always send Mike and his friend, Joe, to the principals office constantly. They wouldn't really be doing anything bad, but whatever happened, she didn't want to deal with it and would send them off to the principal's office.

As the next year rolled out, she got fired. No one knew why but we just assumed it's because she yells too much and made too many kids cry.

Over the years, the "Kings and Queens" got worse and worse. It started off as secluding Mike and Joe from most of the other kids in that grade, but over the years it turned into physical forms of torture. They would shove them down slides, punch them in the gut, and just gang up on them during recess when the teacher wasn't looking. This was more-so on Mike than Joe.

Mike didn't know why they hated him so much but he eventually found out why. They would always call him a "rejected Asian" and would make fun of him since he wasn't good at math or wasn't always studying and was off fooling around with Joe. They eventually learned the word gay and kept on using it on Joe and Mike.

There were times when Mike would come home all bloody and bruised and his mom would question why he looks so battered, to which he would respond by saying how the recess games would get intense or a kickball would hit his face or even the generic "I fell" excuse. Even through all this abuse and loneliness, Mike still smiled through the pain, trying to make everybody he can happy, even those who hurt him, because he was taught to try to look for the good in everybody. He saw their hatred towards him as a sign that they're in need of some kind of attention, and he was all up to take the bullet rather than anyone else.

Around fifth grade was the peak for the "Kings and Queens." Since fifth graders were already seen as the leaders of the school for surviving that long, they had no problem ordering around the lower grades. They got a lot stronger, smarter, and meaner. At this point they knew how to properly hurt someone.

Mike wasn't too good in math and sciences, and since this was supposed to be an Asian's typical strong-suit, this is what he was teased on the most. Around this time he started to agree with them that he truly was a "broken Asian." He started to feel ashamed that he couldn't match what his family could do at his age.

One time, they tried poisoning Mike because it would be funny. During lunchtime, Mike had to go to the bathroom after getting his food so he went and entrusted Joe to make sure nobody would eat or touch his food. When he left, the "Kings and Queens" wasted no time and went to Mike's lunch to mess with it. Joe tried to stop them but couldn't do a thing against the gang of people. They put several dollops of hand sanitizer gel in Mike's sandwich and spread it around to make it look almost identical to the real thing. Joe was forced to keep silent or else he would get what's coming for him. Every drop of hand sanitizer that came out hurt Joe, since he was told to protect one of Mike's treasures. He felt he was lying to Mike's face and that this would destroy him, as Joe is one of his only true friends. When Mike finally came back, he was glad to see his sandwich was somewhat unharmed and was happy that Joe protected it. Mike went for his sandwich and when he was about to take a bite, Joe couldn't stand it and screeched out at the top of his lungs of what happened. A teacher nearby heard and escorted Mike and two of the "Kings" to the principal's office. They were all three going to get in trouble but then the principal understood that kids will be kids and let them all free after apologizing to each other, even though Mike had nothing to do with the situation.

Torment like this lasted for the rest of fifth grade and the only thing keeping Mike going was the few smiles he received and the thought that middle school would be better than this. It wasn't.

The good news is that the old "Kings and Queens" forgot about Mike and Joe and moved on from picking on people and made friends with others like them. The bad news is that a new wave of bullying swept onto them like a huge tidal wave on an unsuspecting city, rebuilding from the one before. Mike likes to refer to them as the "Goons."

They didn't pick on the way Mike looks like how the "Kings and Queens" did in elementary school, but they were more physical and obnoxious. In the beginning they would bug Mike to borrow pencils and pens and never give them back, all the minor stuff. It started to escalate to pushing into lockers, belittling, and all the other painful stuff.

The worst part was when he started to fall for one of them. This one girl would pull at Mike's hair to the point it would bleed, or stab him hard enough with pencils to cause him to scar for the rest of his life, or scratch and bite him to when skin would come off. But through all this pain he still felt something towards her. He didn't know why, but he knew he wanted her. He was locked in a love daze.

It all ended in a couple years when she started to do drugs, ruin her life completely and almost fail out of highschool.

He made a lot of new friends though! People started to appreciate him more and laugh with him. Even through all this pain through Mike’s life, he is still happy the way it turned out, because he made people smile and that’s all that mattered to him. It doesn't matter to him if everyone else is smarter than him, he learned that he should accept himself the way he is, with a bunch of flaws.