#i was born to be an oddball who has fun and is gdnerally very silly

[chocolattefeverdreams]

Ugh I'm feeling like giving up on the entire IB diploma entirely recently, I have a business management ia to finish, ess ia, math ia, the EE, the TOK essay, Economics ia check, and so many tests at the same time.

I feel like I don't even care if I just pass the diploma anymore. I'm just so, so tired. I always feel like I'm not deserving of any rest or sleep if I have not done anything that is related to school. I'm so tired of hearing these thoughts go over and over in my brain. I just want to rot somewhere more often now.

I sometimes even wonder if I actually even like my school anymore. I feel constantly lightheaded in school, like everything is a fever dream, especially in certain classrooms. I have to stim a lot and I have to leave the classroom often just to go somewhere and breathe in natural air instead of AC. I also get hungry in school often, I usually eat lunch at 1 or 1:30 pm but when it's school I come back at 3:30 pm so I'm very hungry and tired by the time I come back.

It sets the energy for the whole day, I don't even feel like taking my laptop out of my bag when I get home. And what would be the point in doing something anyway? It's going to take hours and if I can't even finish it off by that time then there's no point to it for me. I literally took a day off today just so that I could start my business management IA.

And I don't even have close friends or a friend group to belong to at school. My closest friend at school battles mental health problems and I rarely see him there. And I KNOW that it's okay to be alone or enjoy things by yourself, but when you've always sucked at making friends in school it kinda gets to you later on. I feel envy when I see groups of friends and I always wonder if I will actually belong to a group like that someday. Sometimes when some classmates talk to me I always get the feeling it's for a joke which I'm the butt of. Maybe it's bc I have a monotonous way of speaking irl most of the time??

I wish that some of this stuff and all the IAs we do now was actually in DP year 1 BC it would save a lot of stress for a lot of people. Like the business ia could be done in January when I was in year 1 or something. The ess ia too. Instead of it all being crammed later on in 12th grade.

Ok but today, I'm going to make myself the cup of herbal tea I've been avoiding for weeks because in the end, I know I deserve sleep.