#i was at two large all day events all weekend and slept for 10 hours last night and now I am plagued

[prettyflyshyguy]

Re-wrote some chunks of the Virtual Ground pilot hahaha hah

Officially on V3 of the script. Went down a research rabbit hole on bellow-knee amputation recovery time because oops I didn't write that in properly.

Now I'm stressing about writing more content before I draw anything, or wondering if what I've made is any good at all.

Jesus Christ writing is hard!!!!! How do predominantly-writers do this!!! Oh my god. I'm tired of writing!

But at the same time- I love having my shitty little blorbos come to life in text form. Wish it happened faster. Argh!

[pixiealtaira]

Here to Stay is the New Bird

Pairing: Kurt/ Sebastian

Rating: R for swearing and threats to Finn

Notes: This is for @kurtbastianarchive’s ‘First Time’ anniversary event.  Day 2:seasonal

 Sebastian Smythe had several hobbies that just didn't fit in with the image Dalton needed one to have when one was trying to fit in and make little to no waves nor stick out too much.  And he was already doing poorly on that request of his folks...but he wanted to be able to LIVE and not simple exist for the next two years while he was stuck in the USA.   He was highly irate about that, mind you, since if he'd been allowed to stay in France he'd have been taking his major tests and been done by the end of the year. 

Sebastian shook off his ire, physically, once again and continued walking through the parking lot to the hut at the front of the paths leading through out the bird sanctuary and state park just outside of Lima.  He was going to enjoy his preferred hobbies even if he had to do it alone, regardless of his parent's pleas to fit in better.

The girl at the information and donations section of the booth looked bored out of her mind.

“The path on the far right is for hikers and dog walkers and anyone silly enough to go jogging in the snow.  The other paths are snow shoe only until March.  We would like everyone to  be out of the area by sundown except for on our night outings, and those are 10 to 20 bucks, depending on the evening and what is involved and included.  Sleigh rides are in the open fields from the  sanctuary to Holdings Farms and back...with a 30 to 40 minute stop at the farms for treats or a tour.  Those leave every hour on the hour and the cost is 20 bucks per person.  The funds for the sleigh rides are split between Holdings Farms and the sanctuary all other funds stay with the sanctuary to go towards conservation programs and upkeep.  There is a paper with the different events right in front of you. Have a good day.”

“No fee for just using the paths for the day?”

“Nope.  If you need to rent snow shoes there is a tent behind the booth.”

Sebastian smiled as he left the opening labeled info and walked to the other side of the booth, which was filled with two other young women who were serving hot drinks and food.  There were benches and logs set so people could sit to put on show shoes and...ice skates?  Sebastian looked over to the large field past the logs and saw a large rustic ice rink and past that set of benches and several stools.

“Finn Hudson, if you are not going to actually join me out here, go the fuck home!”

Sebastian turned to the voice yelling.

Kurt Hummel was yelling...a Kurt Hummel Sebastian hadn't ever dreamed of seeing.  The other boy had on normal jeans. In fact Sebastian was pretty certain they were LL Bean Flannel Lined, like his own...relaxed fit, if Sebastian wasn't mistaken. Kurt had on Sorels and a down filled winter coat in dark green, and a normal stocking cap and normal plaid scarf and completely normal mittens!  He looked like a boy. A screaming furious boy but a boy none the less.

“But Kurt...Blaine said not to let you go do anything.”

“If Blaine wants a say in anything I do then Blaine should not have canceled our date for the sixteenth time this MONTH!  He hasn't taken me out or done anything with JUST ME since I gave in and slept with him!  So Blaine can just go screw himself and probably whoever he ditched me for...again.  I am going snow shoeing, screw you all.”

“I'm telling your dad.”

“Go ahead.  I am exactly where I am supposed to be, I was just supposed to be here with Blaine, who didn't even have the manners to call and cancel our date...instead just waited until I called him when he was 2 hours late to see what was up.  I have missed the last four weeks, Finn.  I have been trying to get here to go hiking for FOUR WEEKS. I am going today.  Now, you can join me or go home.  But if the word Blaine comes out of your mouth while you are near me for the rest of the weekend...I will ruin you.”

“But Blaine said...”

“Finn, I will show your mother your porn collection and all the sites you visit on line.  And then I will show Rachel, Quinn and Santana.  And I'll let Brittany see them.  And she has no filter.  Your quirky enjoyment of people fucking food and fucking while covered with food and fucking through things like pizzas will make it around the whole STATE!”

Finn turned so pale Sebastian could see if difference from where he was standing and reversed out of the parking lot so fast he left tire marks.

Kurt stomped over to his huge black SUV and pulled out a pair of wooden snowshoes and a backpack and poles.

He turned and slammed his vehicle's door shut.

Sebastian was slightly startled at the glare still on Kurt's face and even more surprised when it softened just a tiny bit at seeing him.

“Well, at least Blaine isn't off fucking you. Although, I can't decide if I am now more upset and worried or less. I thought it was you because all I've heard since scandals is 'Sebastian this and Sebastian that and Sebastian says....'.  But now I'm wondering if he is just using you as his shield since I had such a visceral reaction to you and gave him an easy avatar to place in front of whatever he is actually doing that I could happily hate on and worry about.”

“Why did you react so strongly?”

“Do you recall your conversation?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Not really.  I was hitting on him and he was dodging it without really saying no.”

“Exactly.  He had finally mentioned a boyfriend and you said it didn't matter at all to you if it didn't bother him.”

“Finally?” Sebastian asked.

“I had been at the Lima Bean since before you two got there helping one of the AV kids with a mechanical issue on a cart thing they were trying to build.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, Oh.  I also knew he had met you at Dalton, more than once and you were texting and talking to each other.  Blaine might have ignored that I made friends there, but I didn't loose them all when I left, no matter how much Blaine tried to make sure I did.  Inside info and all that jazz.”

“Look.  I'm sorry about that.  I mean, most of what I said doesn't work today anyway.  I guess...from what I saw that day and heard from the Warblers, I would have never guessed you'd be out here or anywhere that didn't involve makeup, girly clothing, and creature comforts.”

“I am the son of a mechanic from Ohio.  I've worked on cars pretty much since I could hold a tool, before I could walk...and I hunt and fish and camp and whatnot. Now, I do fish and hunt only because my dad asks it...I am not found of killing animals and I don't  like most river and lake fish. Halibut is lovely, most trout taste like mud.  But...I like outdoor activities.  Besides...scarfs and other knit items and sweaters.”

Sebastian laughed and Kurt smiled.

“Are you trying to tell me I wasn't as off in my call as I thought?”

Kurt shrugged.    “What are YOU doing here?  This doesn't seem YOUR type of thing.  No Caviar or Champagne or servants waiting on you hand and foot.”

“I picked up snow shoeing in France a few years ago.  I like it and cross country skiing better than downhill. I saw the flier for the paths here at the sanctuary at the Lima Bean and thought this could be where I practice my 'not really posh enough for most Dalton kids' hobby.”

Kurt laughed.  “And see. I figured snowshoeing would be right up their alleys. It is 'too fancy' for McKinley kids.  Except Sam...he wants to learn.”

“He here?”

“Nah, had a family thing he needed to attend with his folks.  Apparently not everyone in his extended family know he moved back here and they are trying to keep it that way.  I don't ask.”

“So, you've been here before?”

“Yes.  I spent about every other weekend out here last year and the year before.”

“Mind company?”

“Can you be as not atrocious as you are currently?”

“I'll do my best.  Can I tease you if you say something way gay or girly?”

“As long as it is not about my being or person.  I cannot help my voice or face.   And I no longer look like a 12 yr old milkmaid, but that is still feeling like a recent development, so yeah...a bit sensitive on some things.”

“Fair enough.  I did live in France and I am not back by choice for the most part so honestly, if I say anything about Europe or such today at least, it's because I miss it- not to be pretentious.”

“I think we can handle a truce for a while then.” Kurt said.  “Do you have a preference to which path we take?”

“I haven't been out in nearly a year.” Sebastian said.

“We'll take the far left path. It is just over a ¼ a mile, ending at an overlook over a shallow lake which birds flock to. Very flat and mild.  So, a half mile to the end and back, a good start for getting back into things.  If we still want some time out we can do the one next to it as well.”

Sebastian smiled and nodded.

Kurt was a surprisingly pleasant companion for snow shoeing.  They had about the same taste in how quickly to move.  Kurt was packing a camera and sketchbook, but he only asked to stop long enough for a few quick sketches three times and her took photos pretty much while on the move.

Their conversations quickly turned to Dalton classes -Sebastian was taking several that Kurt had taken the year before- and teachers each liked and didn't like and other students.  Sebastian had gotten the impression from Blaine and a lot of the more vocal Warblers that Kurt had kept to himself totally other than Blaine and Kurt's questions and comments and answers spoke volumes towards a different tale of his time at Dalton.   Kurt asked about students Sebastian knew had nothing to do with the Warblers, like Leo from the French club and Phillip from the Debate Team.

As they came to the overlook and end of the path, Sebastian was drawn to the views and sights.

“It's lovely, isn't it.  Every season here is lovely.” Kurt said, taking off his snowshoes and climbing the steps to the overlook.   “This path ends here, but the third path down leads to the boardwalk area you can see across the way. The next path loops in between the two paths, traveling along a stream for a while---with a set of wooden footbridges and several picnic areas.  Then the middle path and the ones to the right of it go off towards the marsh area on the far side of the forest area and then off towards Holdings Farms and the larger deeper lake.  Most are a mile and a half or longer.  The path that loops is ¾ a mile, and the far end of the boardwalk is a full mile and a ¼ away.  All are pretty flat, at most rolling type terrain, but not terribly open...although I've never had a problem with snowshoes made for flat open terrain, because they are all well maintained paths.”

Sebastian joined him at the top, leaning on the railing and looking out over the shallow lake. “Is the ice skating rink well maintained?”

Kurt turned to Sebastian and beamed at him.

“It is decent.  Weekends are better for ice-skating.  And Wednesday afternoons, because the Lima's Pee Wee Skate Club has meetings Wednesday starting at 1pm and going until 4:30 and the group that maintains the rink always lays down good ice for them.”

“Would I have company if I asked?” Sebastian asked softly. “I have enjoyed hiking with you.”

Kurt smiled. “You might have to endure Sam sometimes as well.”

Sebastian shrugged.  “I wouldn't mind.  I could use more down to earth acquaintances.”

“Acquaintances?”

“Well, I think I need to hang out a bit more and get to know people a bit more before leaping willy nilly into friendship stage for anyone.  It seems to bite me in the ass when I don't.  Not to mention I have a  bad habit of jumping to conclusions about people too often by not getting more of the bigger picture.”

Kurt smiled. “I can work with acquaintances for a while.  Mind working towards friends?”

Sebastian smiled. “I don't. You are surprising down to earth.  I expected more...high maintenance and flamboyancy in everything.”

Kurt laughed.  “I can be high maintenance. And I am a bit flamboyant.  I do like unusual clothing. I like vests and things around me neck, like ascots and ties and scarves. I like jewelry.  I do sing girl songs...but I sing everything, when I can.  I don't want you to start off looking for something you won't get.”

“And I do like to play the field. And I am spoiled rich kid without much connection to the real world.”

Kurt smiled.  “Oddly enough, I am generally fine with both those things.   Heck, unless you are being truly horribly nasty and mean, I'm even OK with snark for the most part.”

Sebastian laughed. “I would hope so, you are probably as snarky as I am.”

“To some.  I have to rein it in most of the time though.  Finn doesn't understand it and whines to his mom and my dad about me being mean and Blaine gets irate if I snark too much and Santana starts to get her feathers ruffled and acts out violently. I get tossed into lockers more when she gets testy.”

“Tossed into lockers?  Like stuffed into them or...”

“Thrown against them, now at least. I used to be picked up and stuffed in them but I finally grew too big by the middle of 8th grade.  Although when I say tossed into the dumpsters, I do mean put into them.  That hasn't happened much for the last twp years...I grew 6 inches over the end part over 10th grade and the summer between 10th and 11th.  It was too hard for them to get me into the dumpsters to make it worth while.”

“And you didn't stay at Dalton?” Sebastian asked horrified.

“Despite the general story of my leaving Dalton, the reason was because the 6 months emergency financial aid was going to be over before school was finished and I could not afford to stay without it.  Going as long as I did caused several financial issues as it was.  So I left when I did so I could start McKinley again when the 4th quarter started. I finished all my classes at Dalton remotely, so I got credits from those as well.  It shouldn't have been such an issue...but my dad had been sick right before I had to go to Dalton, and then he married Carole..like the weekend before I ended up at Dalton, but she and Finn could NOT live in the house we had -not enough room for Finn to have without sharing with me- so we had to get a new house...and they went insane with that, and holidays, which the least said about those last year the better.   And just the growing pains of combining families and such...money was very tight for a bit...at least for me.”

“And that isn't the commonly known reason you left Dalton?”

Kurt snorted. “Blaine convinced the Warblers I left so I could go to nationals with New Directions. He convinced several teachers that regardless of what the Headmaster said, I left because I was having too hard a time with the classes and was terrified I was going to fail. He convinced my old roommate I left because I hated Posh people and missed my friends.  And he half convinced the counselor I left because I was desperate to be around people who were my sort of people and the wealth displayed at Dalton made me feel ashamed of myself  and potentially suicidal due to the fact I could never hope to achieve it or live in that type of world. Luckily I met with him six more times after leaving Dalton and so could assure him I did not feel any of those things ever and I was OK being back at McKinley...not safe, but not as in danger as before.”

Sebastian snorted.  “No one but Jeff every said anything about why you left...or  why you were there...only that you 'stole' Blaine.  Jeff said he thought one of the reasons you left was you worried about your dad and missed him...and you missed your job. And then Thad told Jeff he was silly, you couldn't have had a job, you were in school.  Even I have held jobs while in school before, Thad is the one that is ridiculous.”

“What did you do?”

Sebastian smiled. “I worked in the mail room at my Uncle's Law firm last summer, and in France I worked at a place which did art and music classes for kids during the summers, half day...I was done by noon.”

“Did you enjoy it?  I volunteered at the Lima Summer Musical Theater Camp once I was too old to participate, until last summer and the summer before.  I also work at the garage.  I have been doing that since forever.”

“So what, you like fix cars?” Sebastian asked.

“I do. I'm trying to get my certification to do more body work and work on big vehicles now.”

“Ok, so that just overwrote all other images of you.”

Kurt laughed. “We should probably head back, but...would you like to meet up next weekend?”

“I would.  Could we skate as well?”

“I own figure skates.  They are black, but they are figure skates.”

“And?  That is what I have as well. Is that not the norm?”

“Nope, not with anyone I know.  Finn won't let me go with any of the glee club guys when they go skating because I have girly skates and not manly skates...i.e. hockey skates.

“What about Blaine?”

“Blaine told me he doesn't skate...or do anything like that.” Kurt held up his hand as Sebastian went to talk. “I know Blaine is lying, I'm hoping he will tell me why one of these times he refuses.”

Sebastian nodded.  He turned and headed back down to the path.  Kurt joined him.  They sat on the steps and put their snowshoes back on.

On the way back towards the parking lot they talked about musicals they enjoyed, movie and stage and what they would like to see.  They talked about what they liked to sing and a shared lack of faith and religion, who their favorite artists to listen to were and who their folks' favorites were.  The conversation went from music to museums and local oddity spots and other places that needed to be seen.

Sebastian was shocked at how much he felt the end of the path had come just too soon.

“Could we exchange numbers?” Kurt asked, paused right by the exit of the path to the open area that led to the parking lot.

Sebastian smiled. “Yes. Definitely. And you'll call or text?”

Kurt smiled back. “Yes.  I've had fun.  This could be a very good thing, I think.”

“It already is.” Sebastian said. “And you'll be free next week?”

“Definitely.  I'm actually already looking forward to it.”

“And...would you be willing to other things?  Like a museum?”

“Yes.  I'd love to have someone who'd enjoy a museum with me.”

“Great.”

“Think we can move past acquaintances soon?” Kurt asked.

“Maybe to close acquaintances.  That would be a firm step.  I am sure close acquaintances do things together.”

Kurt smiled. “I am sure you are right.  One question before I head off?”

“Yes?”

“Lima Bean?  How should we act?”

“Snarky?”

Kurt smiled.  “Yes.  Yes, I can do snarky.  See you later, Sebastian.  Thank you.”

Sebastian watched Kurt scamper to his SUV and climb in.

He was looking forward to the coming week.  It felt good to think about indulging hobbies that he hadn't had a chance to in a while.  He wondered if Kurt would be up for an art museum and if he could convince Kurt to take him to the car museum he'd been talking about.  And if getting Blaine and Kurt broken up would be too much rocking the boat for his parents to handle.  Although, maybe he wouldn't really have to do much in that department after all...a little spying and asking around about where Blaine kept running off to, a little bit of hogging Kurt's time when Blaine canceled...and a bit of sharing of information.  He could keep his close acquaintance and not rock the boat too much at the same live and have someone, maybe even more than one someone, to live life with for a while.  Sebastian wondered which kid Sam was, before starting his car and heading out.  He sort of hoped it was the blond one who smiled a lot. He seemed like he might be the sort of cheerful type person Jeff was and Sebastian rather liked Jeff.  Maybe he should try more of this whole acquaintance thing...friend thing.

Author’s note: the other days are coming....slowly.  

[bagelbright-tok]

"Hello! I want to request some Headcanons or Scenarios of Jotaro how he will react being shrunked mysteriously in the size of an action figure in his home one morning and Female Reader is his best friend tries hard to help him and make him feel comfortable but she gets stressed and feels that her efforts are not enough and she hides it but Jotaro sees through the fakery and comforts that everything is fine and no need to push herself. The idea takes place after Part 3 and Jotaro is in college."

(Y/N); Your name:: (E/C); Eye color:: (H/C); Hair color:: (S/T); Skin tone. Underlined is; Text message. Italics are; Other languages spoken. Bold are; Thoughts in the mind. *** is; Time skip. --- is; Different POV Word Count: 2368

Warning(s): Description of anxiety and stress. Described feelings of failure. Comfort. Mentions of Trauma.

___

Don't Be Such a Doll.

Jotaro x female!Reader

Platonic/Friend relationship ______________________

Jotaro's alarm clock blinked 3:28 AM. His eyes blinked tiredly with the clock. He groaned and rubbed his eyes. If he stayed up for this school report again, it'd be his 3rd day in a row without sleep. Jotaro sighed, closing his books and returning them to his bag and bookshelves. He grabbed his phone to check what he had missed while working. A message. From you. Someone he had learned to trust after moving to America for school. You were assigned to assist him with whatever he struggled with. After some years, a friendship had grown, a bond of trust. (Y/N): "Hey! I'm coming over to visit you tomorrow. The weekend is finally here, and I have something for you!" - 10:03 PM (Y/N): "Be sure to get some sleep too. I don't wanna get there and find you passed out or super tired." - 10:05 PM No one could hear the tone through a message. And yet, somehow, Jotaro felt the demanding voice of yours in his ears as he read the 2nd message. He planned on sleeping before seeing your message, but now he felt a sense of not wanting to do that anymore, only because you asked. He furrowed his brows and walked to his bed anyways.  His coat was thrown off onto his hanger, he slipped out of his shoes, and he tossed his hat onto his nightstand. Then he threw himself into his bed, putting his phone next to his hat on the nightstand. Sighing one last time, he closed his eyes, and fell asleep almost instantly. *** --- You'd awaken at 8 in the morning, happily getting up and getting dressed in casual attire. You walked into your bathroom, brushing through your long (h/c) hair, brushing your teeth, and washing your (s/t) skin. After pulling your hair into a ponytail, you checked your phone.

Your messages had been left on "Read," by Jotaro, at almost 3:30 in the morning. You sigh. "I hope he at least went to bed after that." You think to yourself, almost disappointed.

You walked into your kitchen, grabbing a small snack to eat, grabbing your gift for Jotaro, and grabbing your bag and keys. You opened your door, walked out, and shut the door behind you. Getting into your car, your destination set on Jotaro's place, you sent one final message to him. "On my way!" -9: 50 AM. --- Jotaro dryly opened his eyes, blinking a few times to refocus his vision, and to get most of the eye gunk out. Groaning, he sat up, feeling completely sore and having his entire body hurting. He rubbed his eyes, not necessarily caring that he was sore. He looked at his alarm clock on his desk. 9:00 AM. He took the time, and then noticed the size of everything. His alarm clock looked farther and bigger. His desk was humongous. The nightstand with his hat and phone all looked giant.  "What the Hell?" He whispered aloud.

Looking around some more, everything around him was huge. Or… He looked down at himself. He was small. He had shrunken down to around 8 inches (20 CM). He was definitely awake now. He frantically got up, standing on his feet, on his bed, looking around his room for the potential enemy that had done this to him. He was still traumatized by the events that had taken place in 1988, and expected this to be an enemy attack. No one came out, though.

"Come out now!" Jotaro yelled, hoping this would scare them out. He summoned Star Platinum, expecting it to be the same size as him, but it was still as large as ever. Jotaro waited 5 minutes. Nothing. There was no one in his home, or at least, in his room. Still on high alert, he managed to slide down his bed using the blankets onto the floor. The only way he was able to get around his home was using Star to open doors and turn on lights. Doing this, Jotaro spent almost an hour searching his house. Still no one but himself and the occasional dust bunnies. Now it was confusing. If it had been an enemy, why would they attack him at his most vulnerable, and just leave, leaving him even more vulnerable. Hearing his phone go off, he left his living area back to his room. His guard was slightly lowered, but still high, still expecting someone to come out and attack him. He climbed back onto his bed, grabbing the blankets and using them as ropes. Onto his bed, he went and hopped onto his nightstand. Jotaro managed to turn his phone on and put in his pin by himself while Star stood guard. The notification was a message from you. (Y/N): "On my way!" -9:50 AM. Sent just a minute ago. Meaning you'd be there within 5-10 minutes, depending on the severity of traffic. Jotaro pondered what your reaction would be. You sort of knew about Stands, but you weren't a Stand user. Jotaro had somewhat talked to you about them, explaining what his did and what his Grandfather's Stand did. He'd even displayed his Stand's strength to you one day when while you two were out walking, a perv had tried to grope you. Jotaro nor Star took it kindly, and pummeled the drugged perv into his place in Hell. Seeing as there appeared to be no enemies in his house, he waited for you. He was a bit disappointed that you would have to see him hatless, shoeless, and coatless, but the most important thing was getting him unshrunk. *** --- 10 minutes passed and you finally arrived, parking nearby, you walked up to his door, knocking, and ringing the doorbell. You wait patiently, knowing he was up by then and that he heard your knock. If he wasn't awake, then he was now. A minute had passed. If you didn't know any better, you'd say you were getting impatient. You didn't knock or ring again. You waited. You knew Jotaro hated it when people were impatient, especially when only a minute had gone by. Right on time, the door swung open. But-- You look around, not stepping in.  "Jotaro?" He wasn't at the door. "Is he pulling a prank, or joking around? No, that would be too out of character." “Oi! Down here!" You can barely hear his hollering. Following the voice your head automatically looks down at the floor. Down at Jotaro. "..." "..." "What the Hell?!" You burst out, shocked, surprised, kind of scared. "Jotaro?!' "Good grief. Quiet down will you?" Jotaro asked, more demanding, of you with his usual tone. "Come on in. Maybe you can help with my situation." You just nodded along, walking in as Jotaro hopped to the side of the door. You entered, shutting the door thinking that Jotaro wouldn't be able to reach again. Still shocked, you slowly head into his kitchen and set his gift on the counter, and your bag onto the small table that was in his "dining room". You walked back on over to the small Jotaro that stood below you. "Jotaro…?" You say, almost questionably. "What--? How--? Why--? I don't--" You didn't know what to ask first. You took a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. Trying to calm down, you smiled nervously, and bent down to look at him better. "Is this some fever dream I'm having?" "No." Jotaro bluntly and quickly answered. "As much as I wish it was, it isn't. I woke up like this, and I don't know how or why." "Uhm-- okay okay." You closed your eyes for a couple of seconds. "Oh! Those Stand things you mentioned before. They have abilities right? Maybe someone did this to you..?"

"I thought so too, but if they did it maliciously they would've attacked me while I slept or at least when I had woken up." Jotaro pointed out. "This has to be a Stand attack, but I'm not sure of the reasoning behind it."

"Good point.. I guess." You state, confused. "What can I uh-- What can I help with?"

"Research. Maybe there are others in the area that have gone through something similar." Jotaro stated, beginning to walk into his office room. "Whether articles directly say it, or they are labelled as 'missing.' “ "Alrighty then." You stand up and follow Jotaro slowly. *** You'd acquired his laptop and began charging it for use. You got things around the room for Jotaro that were out of his range. You helped him into higher areas that he needed to reach. It was all still super bizarre. You were still expecting to wake up any second. Only 45 minutes passed, and this wasn't how you expected to use your time. Nothing was coming up. And now you two were contemplating going out and searching for any suspicious figures. *** 20 minutes. Now you two were out and on foot. Jotaro hung out in your bag and you walked around to wherever he asked. Just normal people going about their normal days. However normal is in Florida, that is.  "Take a left." Jotaro said, peering out of your bag. 

You take a left. This continued, you just followed the words Jotaro spoke. *** 30 minutes passed. Your anxiety and stress built up. The horrible feeling of a weight in your chest. The thoughts that ran through your mind. Your amped up heart rate. You felt a bit useless. Just carrying him around, unable to assist in finding the enemy. You couldn't see Stands, and so it was only Jotaro's eyes that had to scan everywhere. You got weird looks from people whenever you tried to talk to Jotaro. So at this point, you had just decided to remain silent, making small noises whenever Jotaro asked you to go somewhere. You decided that to help in any way you could, you wouldn't bring up needing to stop for a break, or mention just giving up. It would be for Jotaro to decide when to do that. But even at this point, Jotaro was starting to give up. Not that he felt at this point that it was useless, but the energies you radiated were definitely felt by him. The anxiety filled noises, the stressed gulps you took nervously. It was obvious.  "Oi, (Y/N). Are you okay?" Jotaro asked. "Yeah of course." You respond, trying to sound happy. "Are you okay? Isn't it a bit uncomfortable to be small and in my bag?"

"I'm fine." Jotaro stated, more convincing than you had said. *** 25 minutes. The weight in your chest grew heavier. The dread you felt when you thought about the odds of Jotaro remaining this size. It was already about to be the afternoon, and there had been no luck whatsoever. Your feet were burning and your legs were hurting. You grew hungry, tired, and a bit thirsty. You didn't want to mention anything, though. You were already just as useful as a piece of broken glass on the floor. The frown on your face proved even more to Jotaro that something was wrong. "You are not okay, (Y/N)." "Huh? What?" You were taken aback "What do you mean? Of course I--" "Don't."Jotaro stopped you. "What's bothering you?" "..." You remained silent for a moment, still walking around aimlessly. "I guess. I feel a bit useless right now. Suddenly I'm super stressed and anxious. I feel like if we don't find whoever did this to you, it's my fault." You explain quietly. "I can't see 'Stands.' I can't really help other than just walking where you want. I'm sorry for being pretty useless." You lightly chuckle at the end. "Sorry for getting all cheesy too." Jotaro remained quiet for a moment. He didn't really know how to process it. Not many, if any, actually went to him and let their feelings out to him. "Good grief…" He whispered to himself. "(Y/N), don't be like that. You are helping the best you can, and that's what matters." His tone wasn't comforting, it remained monotone. His words were comforting, though. "Really?" You ask, just wanting confirmation. "Sure."Jotaro couldn't bring himself to give a straight "yes." "Jo-"You were interrupted by Jotaro. "Oi! Over there! Straight ahead!" He yelled, pointing at a strange looking man who was already attempting to flee. Hesitating for about a second, you booked it running after the strange man. You pushed past the small crowds of people in the streets, and gained on the man. He seemed out of shape, and would die if he continued to run for another 5 minutes. Once he was 5ft away, Jotaro summoned Star, and used it to slam the man down. The crowds had died down in this area, and so there were only about 1-2 people outside watching. "Bastard!" You yell, as intimidating as you could. You slowed to a halt beside the man who was disoriented. "You're the one who shrunk Jotaro aren't you?" "Huh--? What? No! I don't know--"The man tried to play dumb, but was obviously nervous and had already shown himself as guilty when he had started running. "Y-You aren't even a Stand user! You can't do anything!" You realised that the man didn't know that Jotaro was with you. "You wanna bet, bub?" You snarl. Jotaro read your mind, and summoned Star right behind you. The shadow cast over Star made him all the more frightening. The man yelped. "Ah-! O-Okay! I'm sorry! I'll make him normal again!" He squealed, terrified. At that, Jotaro hopped out of your bag, and was almost immediately reverted back to his tall self. You smiled mischievously at how easily the enemy had been intimidated by you and Jotaro's Stand. "H-Hang on! That wasn't your Stand! That was--"The man stupidly connected the dots. But he was interrupted when Jotaro had used Star to grab the man and begin to pummel him. You couldn't see the magnificence that was Star, but you could see the show that he gave. You didn't have a magnificent Stand to show off to Jotaro, but he could still see the true friend within you. ________ E N D A/N: Apologies for any errors. I wrote this all down, pasted it into here, formatted it, and posted it. No look overs for spellings mistakes or grammatical errors.

[princessjungeun]

Under The Stars: Soyeon x Reader

Request: Hi!! So glad you’re taking requests again!! Can you do a soyeon scenario where her gf surprises her and they go on a road trip for her break? Thank you have a good day 😘

After Oh My God promotions ended, and other events (G)I-DLE had died down, the group was finally able to get a break. Minnie decided to go home to Thailand. Yuqi went back home to visit her parents in China. Shuhua went to home to Taiwan, excited because Tzuyu was also heading home on the same flight. The Korean members also joined their families in their respective homes. However, Soyeon had other plans.

As many know Soyeon is a musical genius who never stops working. She’s always writing, singing, producing, or thinking of some way to utilize her skills differently. During this three week break she decided she wanted to try something she’s never done before. A writing camp. Specifically a writing camp in California, where you’re from.

The writing camp was 10 days long and it was in Los Angeles. Soyeon was hesitant at first although she had always wanted to do this. She worried about the language barrier, although music is a universal language, she wasn’t sure about how her lack of English skills would affect her experience. However, with your help she was able to arrange for there to be another Korean speaker who could translate as needed. You’d also be there for when she returned from the writing camp, as you two were staying in California for 14 days.

The plane ride to California was long and Soyeon slept the entire way. You on the other hand didn’t sleep a wink. Soyeon was going to be away from you for 10 of the 14 days you’d be home. As much as you wanted to keep her in the safety of your home, you knew she needed to stay with the other artists and producers overnight.

When you arrived home with Soyeon it was 1:12 am and she had to be at the writing camp at 4:00 pm that day. Although she slept the whole entire way to California, she crashed the second her head hit your pillow when you all arrived to your house.

You laid awake for an hour staring at the ceiling, deep in thought. Soyeon stirred in your arms before readjusting herself so one of her legs was looped in yours, her head on your chest, and an arm around your torso. Kissing the top of her head lightly you mumbled a quiet “i love you” before allowing sleep to wash over you.

Soyeon woke up around 1 pm and had slept off most of her jet lag. She let you sleep in and woke you up at 2:45 when she got bored of having nobody to talk to. Your parents were away on vacation in the Bahamas so the house was dead silent without you awake.

“Baby you don’t have to be nervous ok? I’ll be fine, I have a translator to help me, and you’re only a phone call away.” Soyeon did her best to reassure you that she’ll be fine without you there by her side for two weeks. You sighed and said “ok, ok fine...i just don’t want to be away from you that’s all.” She pulled you close and kissed you before curling back into your embrace. She wanted to spend a little more time with you before you had to drop her off.

The drive to the location of the writing camp was not that long but with the Los Angeles traffic it felt like an eternity. Eventually you all reached a giant mansion in the hills “ok this is it babe”. You tried your best to sound happy but Soyeon knew you were sad to be apart from her for these next 10 days. She hopped out the car and you followed along, pulling her two large suitcases out of the trunk.

Soyeon texted the person who was there to help as a translator and moments later a young Korean girl walked outside to meet you two. “Hi i’m Yena, I’m gonna be Soyeon’s translator and guide for these next 10 days!” She seemed really nice but also super super young, she definitely wasn’t over 16. You asked “how old are you?” She responded “15, my uncle runs the camp and asked if I’d be able to translate for her...is that ok?” You responded “yeah of course I was just curious.”

Soyeon introduced herself to Yena as well before turning to you to say goodbye. You pulled her close before kissing her, your hand cupping the side of her face. You told her Baby, if you need anything call me ok? I don’t care what time it is I’ll pick up, I promise. And don’t forget to eat and sleep, and drink water!” Soyeon laughed and said “ok mom i got it.” You pouted and she told you “you have nothing to worry about I’ll be ok...I have Yena.” She referenced the young girl who was turned away from you to give you privacy. She kissed you once more before following Yena inside the large house, her smile didn’t fade as she waved goodbye. You felt your heart warm as you saw how excited she was about this

You watched as she walked inside, waiting until the door closed behind her. Once you drove off you smiled to yourself knowing your girlfriend was going to have the best 10 days of her life.

•

•

•

The 10 days went by faster than you expected them to. Soyeon video called you almost every night excited to tell you about everything she did that day. She made friends with a few artists and producers and a lot of them were highly impressed with what she wrote and produced. But she was now ready to come home, back into the safety of your arms.

The car ride to the hills definitely felt longer this time, you just wanted to see your girlfriend again. But eventually after 45 minutes of traffic, you arrived to the gigantic mansion. When you texted Soyeon that you were outside, the front door flew open. She locked eyes with you before sprinting to you, flinging herself into your embrace.

You laughed and asked “you missed me that much huh?” She nuzzled her head into your neck and inhaled your sweet perfume. When she let go you piled her bags into your trunk before you both thanked Yena for everything she did for Soyeon.

The drive home wasn’t that long but it was extremely quiet. Soyeon fell asleep within the first ten minutes of being in the car. When you got home you left her bags in the car and carried her inside and into your bed.

•

•

•

The next day you woke up with Soyeon in your arms. Your eyes fluttered open as she gazed at you, eyes full of love. The two of you were in and out of sleep for a while before you decided to finally get up and do something.

“What are you doing? Soyeon finally came out from your bedroom, sleepily rubbing her eyes. You had already been up for two hours but she decided to stay in bed.

You’d been packing a beach bag for the two of you along with ordering groceries snacks to be delivered to your house. As you piled everything into the large bag Soyeon tried to peek in, curious as to what you had up your sleeve. You swatted her away and said “go get dressed, wear your bathing suit. I’m taking you to one of my favorite places.” She retreated back to your room to change while you finished packing the bag.

Soyeon continued to question you the whole entire time you drove, all 2 hours. “Baby pleeeasssseee tell me where you’re taking me!” She whined from the passengers seat. You laughed without taking your eyes off the road, “Read the exit signs then.” Soyeon punched your shoulder “you know I can’t understand them, ugh you’re so mean to me.”

Thankfully the traffic wasn’t super bad this time so you all made good time. Arriving at a small beach, you poked her and said “ok we’re here.” She quickly hopped out the car and looked around as if she’d recognize where she was. You told her “we’re in San Diego...my grandad used to take me here. Every weekend he’d bring me down here.”

Soyeon knew how close you and your grandfather were so she was truly grateful that you opened this part of your heart up to her. She helped you pull the large beach bag out from the back of your pickup truck.

The two of you spent the day running around on the beach, swimming, collecting shells, making a sand castle that Soyeon fell on, eating snacks, and laying in the sun.

You made your way back to your truck, pulling blankets and pillows from the back seat and piling them into the back. Once you filled the back you patted for Soyeon to climb in with you.

The two of you watched as the sun dipped below the horizon, turning the sky beautiful hues of orange and pink. You looked at her in awe, the golden light making her skin glow in just the right way. Without looking away you told her “You look so beautiful...like a goddess.” She smiled bashfully and covered her face with her hands “yahhh stop that, i’m embarrassed!” Pulling her hands away from her face you looked into her eyes before kissing her soft lips.

The two of you watched the sky, staring up at the stars that soon appeared. Soyeon broke the silence that fell over the two of you, “you’re lucky you got to see the stars like this. Back home our sky...it’s not like this.” You asked “what do you mean?” She replied “light pollution makes it hard to see beautiful things at night.” You hummed in response and she continued “but luckily it doesn’t keep me from seeing you, the most beautiful girl in the world.”

Your heart sped up with her words and you laughed, hitting her shoulder “how do you do this to me everytime?” She settled in your arms, her body warming yours as the salty air blew a cold wind. The two of you stayed like this, under the stars until it was time to drive back home. You were grateful that you were finally able to show the love of your life one of your favorite places in the world.

[gloomverse-theories]

Who killed the lawn?

Ah, strolling through the presidential lawn!!!! 

It’s a beautiful day outside. Birds are singing, flowers are blooming... on days like these, lawns like you...

Seem to have been burning in hell.

(All page references: Locks chapter unless otherwise specified.)

Now, now, I hear you say, “but mod Xela!! It’s pretty obvious that CQ just forgot to recolor the lawn for autumn on the first page!” 

And you would be right. 

Now introducing Doylist vs Watsonian perspectives. (For a more in-depth explanation, you can check out our #references tag, or the TV Tropes article called Watsonian vs Doylist.)

To keep it short.

Doylist: The real-life, author’s reason explanation.  Watsonian: The in-story reason. 

They are both valuable and useful for different things! And for our purpose we are going to focus on finding a watsonian explanation, so in-story. Also, it’s going to be a silly one, so don’t take me too seriously. 

Why? Fun, that’s why. Scroll all the way down for the tldr, it’s bolded.

So what do we have here? A pristine, flowering lawn. And then... disaster. It’s all yellowed and dried up. Even the trees have started to brown!

First we will start to look for three things: the timeframe of the murder, the murder weapon, and the murderer. 

So. First off. Did Fall happen in the time between Ylil waking up and Yma sitting on the lawn? How much time are we working with here?

Ylil states that talking to Gloomversians is “orders for the day”, so it’s got to be the same day we started with. 

Ylil takes a little bit of time to wake up. Let’s say a couple minutes. Then she talks with Yma— hard to say for how long exactly, but we can reasonably round it to ten minutes. Then, Yma leaves, and walks around the building until she meets with Indigo— she was still thinking about her sister, so maybe another three minutes. Her conversation with Indigo is pretty short, let’s give another five minutes for Red and Blue to interrupt. 

Of course, this is all arbitrary— all we need is a general scale.

So we get: 2 + 10 + 3 + 5 = 20 minutes... then we have a blank between Red’s murder attempt and the girls calmly sitting under a tree. We know it can’t have been TOO long, since it’s not evening yet.

The time is around noon, since there’s a vertical-looking shadow. (That could also imply Prisma’s relatively close to the planet’s equator..? Hard to say.)

We also know Blue had time to buy a Red Drink before sitting down. There’s a distributor in the building— in the rec room actually! And Cocos did the same for Virga, and they sat under what appears to be the same tree afterwards, too. This must be a popular, close-by spot.

We don’t know how long Red took to calm down or if there were other shenanigans, but introducing each other properly, buying the drink and sitting under the tree would probably take at least 10 minutes. So we have a 30 +  x minutes timeframe. Hm. It gives us a minimum, but the blank makes it not very useful.

Considering the last time the victim was seen alive and well was when the Judge of Inverse woke up— and considering not only Yma, but also Blue and Red, two regular people, probably woke up around or even before then— it was probably mid to late morning. 8 am at the earliest, and about 11 at the latest. When the victim was found dead, it was around 12 pm—let’s say 11 am to 1pm. 

That makes the maximum amount of time to kill the victim (yes, yes, it’s still the lawn), five hours. Averaging the events’ time we get 9:30 to 12— a more likely two and a half hours. So we have the timeframe:

The murder was committed between 8 and 11 (average: 9:30 am), and discovered between 11 and 1pm (average: 12pm).  

Now, the murder weapon. How do you destroy a lawn in a handful of hours? The sun can’t have done that on its own! 

Let’s see... the most obvious answer is that weedkiller was used— they notably cause yellowing of plants, and fast. It would need to be spread over the whole lawn, but we will see such details later. Would it work in a matter of hours?

In our world, the answer is yes, some weed killers (”Roundup 5107300 Extended Control Grass & Weed Killer”, “Spectracide Grass & Weed Killer Concentrate 2″ if you want names) advertise giving results within about 3 hours. That’s within our maximum timeframe! A likely murder weapon. Furthermore, strong sunlight makes weedkiller act faster. 

Also Gloomverse is a magic country where a sole magician can make huge bitey plants in a matter of seconds, so we can reasonably assume that they would have potent magic-made weedkiller available, perhaps even capable of acting in minutes. 

The murder weapon was most likely fast acting weed killer.

So, we have a timeframe, and we have a weapon. Now... we need a murderer and their mobile. Who are our suspects? Who was on the scene??? 

We see nobody but Ylil, Yma, Indigo, Red and Blue in this chapter, so they will be our primary suspects. 

- Ylil is MIA after the first twenty minutes, and if I was her I would just go back to bed, but she could technically go out and kill the lawn while no one’s looking. We lack a mobile, though— in fact we have a negative mobile for her: through precise on-the-spot knowledge, she showed interest in plants in the Date. It’s not proof she likes plants, but considering she shares the flower name theme with Petunia, we can reasonably assume she doesn’t hate them. So let’s assume she is innocent for now.

- Red and Blue are MIA during those first twenty minutes, but considering Red made a beeline for Indigo, it is unlikely they randomly committed an additional murder before attempting that one. So... this could only have been done by them during the missing time shenanigans.

- Indigo is a known chaotic factor, but he was sleeping and accounted for up until Red’s murder attempt, and still with them at noon looking like a sad puppy, so we can assume he did not leave Red, Blue and Yma’s sight to commit this murder. Which means they are either accomplices, or he is innocent.

- Yma couldn’t have done anything for the first twenty minutes either, but she is free during the x timeframe and assumed to have been witness to the other suspects’ shenanigans, which could be as long as a couple hours, depending on what Blue means by the “all that” she is sorry for. 

Wait. All that? So... many things happened that we didn’t see... suspicious.

After examining suspect alibis, it appears the specific timeframe during which the murder could have been committed could only be the blank time after Blue separated Red and Indigo, so after 8:20 at the earliest, and 9:50 on our averaged time. 

We can therefore place Indigo, Red, Blue and Yma on the scene... 

We know very little about this mystery timeframe, beyond that it was likely at least 10 minutes long. However, Blue bought a drink! She would only do so once the crisis was behind them, and we saw a distributor in the same room Red attacked Indigo in! Which means... 

Indigo, Red, Blue and Yma stayed in the rec room up until they came out of the building to sit under the tree.

So then... did they kill the lawn before sitting down? Why would they spray weedkiller before sitting down in the same grass? No... the truth can only be much more insidious...

If Indigo, Yma, Red and Blue have been innocented... we only have one primary suspect left... 

Ylil.

But why? Why would she commit such a heinous crime??? We already went over her lack of motive for it. What factors have we not considered? Who else is here? 

While the building looks empty, and it seems that this is still the weekend (considering the date was Friday evening and Ylil apparently slept in, though since Indigo went to work the previous night this could be Sunday rather than Saturday). Shaman Cocos and the Ecoversians she brought here should be here...

But they wouldn’t spread weedkiller, that could damage their hair! In fact, weedkiller could probably make them sick, if not kill them— 

Wait

Could it be... all along the lawn was not the intended victim? 

Could it be....... attempted human murder? 

GASP... Ylil did mention concerns of assassination during the Date... and we HAVE seen Shaman Cocos hanging out and even sitting in this grass.

So we now have a motive for the culprit... Murdering Shaman Cocos. But we still don’t have a murderer, because Ylil needs Cocos for information right now. She would have no reason to try and kill her now. Yma, Indigo, Blue and Red have no reason to kill her, either... 

So there is someone else, someone unseen, who had to have acted between Ylil waking up and this little color gang leaving the building— otherwise they would have been seen. The timeframe for this is likely about half an hour... Who could have spread fast acting weedkiller over the whole lawn (and perhaps even the trees) in half an hour? Who is confirmed to be around? 

Cirrus and Purple’s book do both show Stratoversians don’t like Ecoversians. That could cover the motive. A Stratoversian could also use weather magic to spread weedkiller— the wind could even explain why event he trees yellowed! 

But... Virga, Nim and Cirrus all left the premises... Who—

(The New Job) 

“Weather Gods”. Gloomversians at large seem aware that Some People has the ability to control weather, though they don’t usually know their nature. We also know there are squads of Stratoversians hanging out in or around Gloomverse, out of sight— because Virga heard about the magic show through her troops. 

(Yes, I am implying Rylie flipped off random Stratoversians here. I’m not the first one saying it.) 

So there we have it. 

We have largely innocented Yma, Ylil, Indigo, Blue, and Red. The murderer of the lawn is a Stratoversian who spread weed killer with weather magic between Ylil waking up and the four stepping outside on the lawn. The grass and the trees have both decayed because they used wind to spread it faster and overshot a little. The intended victim of the crime would be the Ecoversian delegation, as they have plant hair that could be affected negatively by weed killer. 

[bts-svt-mx]

Maid For You (Part 7) - Taehyung x Reader (M)

Author: bts-svt-mx

Taehyung x Reader

Rating: Fluff, angst

Tags: Enemies to Lovers AU, slight smut (future chapters), Idol! Taehyung, Taehyung x Reader, Jungkook x Reader, Hoseok, mentions of other members, sexual tension, mentions of alcohol abuse, mentions of partying

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 (M), 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13

Word Count: 5,700

Description: Wanting to get out of your parents house and experience what the world had to offer is way more expensive than people tell you it will be. So when your glamorous “manager to the stars” cousin Hoseok hooks you up with a  job as the live-in maid for a hillside, massive mansion, you feel as though life might actually be looking up. That is until the mansion’s absentee high profile celebrity owner surprises you by moving back in leaving you to wonder if this mansion is big enough for you and his huge ego. 

Chapter 7:

You’re warm. Too warm actually. The sunlight streams into your room directly hitting your face forcing you out of your heavy slumber and bringing you straight back to reality.

Ugh.. What time is it?

Picking up your phone on your side table, you see a plethora of notifications littering your lock screen. One missed call and voicemail from Hoseok, two texts from Minjee, and some random tagged Facebook pictures of you. But it’s not the overwhelming amount of notifications that concern you. It’s the clock on your phone that reads 11:15 am.

Ah, shit. You slept in. But now, no matter how much you want to go back to sleep, you really need to get up.

Your bed is just so comfy though..  If you could, you would stay in bed all day long, but of course, you have a job to do every weekend morning. A gross, tedious job, but a job you were contractually obligated to do nonetheless. You throw the heavy duvet off of you and as soon as you sit up, an intense pain shoots through your head immediately causing you to recoil back and wince in pain.

Ok, ow, ow, ow. Why does my head hurt so much? What happened last night?

Then it hits you. Oh yeah that’s right, you spent last night partying into the wee hours of the morning at one of the weekly crazy parties held at the mansion. The same one you were late to cleaning up after since you usually get started on the weekend long clean up around 9:00 am the next morning.

Another throb pulses through your head. Damn you really needed some Advil right about now.

Honestly, how much did you have to drink last night? It honestly couldn’t have been that much, right? Actually wait, no. It definitely was a lot now that you think about it.

Thinking back, you had lost count after the 5th shot in a row with Hobi and on top of that you had drank by yourself earlier in the night too before he came and found you. So in total you had at least 7 or 8 shots, which was definitely enough to knock you off your ass.

Jeez, you really hadn’t partied like that since your college days. And now, at the ripe age of 23, you were practically an old woman! The constant pounding in your head would suffice as a good enough reminder to you as to why you intentionally gave up that partying lifestyle you once lived.

Massaging your hand between your thumb and forefinger to ease the pain (an old trick you learned from your mom), you walk over to your wing’s kitchen sink to take some Advil with a glass of cold water.

Maybe you shouldn’t have mixed 4 different kinds of alcohol last night… Best to stick to just vodka next time. And that next time will hopefully be a long time from today.

Seriously, even the thought of alcohol made you want to gag.

But wait, didn’t you sober up after Taehyung ran up to you screaming in the middle of the dance floor?

Then, like a punch to the gut, you remember another important detail of last night. Oh god. Taehyung.

You almost forgot about the whole ordeal that happened with him. Inwardly you cringe at the events of last night as you start to piece everything together.

To be completely honest, the party was a lot of fun up until Taehyung came barging in between you and Jungkook. And yeah, maybe you did some questionable things with Jungkook after meeting him literally that night, but who cares? He’s hot and charming and everyone there was drunk off of their asses too, including Hobi and all of his friends. So really, no one could judge you.

And if they even tried to, you took enough funny and embarrassing videos of Hoseok and the rest of his friends doing keg stands and body shots off of random girls that you could hold that over Hobi if he ever started to tease you about your dance floor hookup with Jungkook.

You let out a small laugh at the memories of last night at the party but then your mind wanders back to Taehyung and the way he opened up to you. He had shown so much of himself that you never knew he was even capable of sharing with anyone let alone you, but you’re glad that he did.

He was so drunk last night though... Did he remember anything that happened between you two? Especially that almost kiss that happened at the end of the night? And if he did, would he go back to his cold, defensive personality the next time you saw him? Or worse, the gross, horny version that tried to get you into that sexy maid costume?

A shiver runs down your spine at that thought. No thank you.

Speaking of Taehyung and parties, you had to get ready and start cleaning up the mess that you were sure was spread all over the mansion. Yay, can’t wait to clean up spilt drinks, plastic cups, and who knows what bodily fluids that usually littered more than just the living room floor.

After brushing your teeth, taking off your makeup under your eyes leftover from last night, and fixing your rat’s nest you call hair, you venture out of your wing to head to the cleaning supply room.

You’re almost out of the long hallway of your wing of the house before you hear a large crash! come distantly from the main living room.

What the hell was that? Panic begins to flow through your body as your walk turns into a light jog, trying to find the source of the noise.

You doubt there is anyone still here from the party. People the last few weekends that stayed the night have usually gone home once they’ve sobered up around 8:00 or 9:00 in the morning as you started to clean up. And with the security that was here last night, you’re sure they would have made sure no one was left in the house this late in the morning.

The pool boy, the maintenance guy, nor the gardener were scheduled to be here today though, so who could be making all of that noise?

Turning the final corner to the living area you see the large figure of a man’s back side bent over by the couch struggling with something on the floor. A hoodie covers him from your vision and prevents you from seeing his face but as you draw closer you hear him… cursing to himself?

Instinctively, you grab the closest heavy object you can find, which just so happens to be a tall, very heavy, blue marble vase on top of one of the hallway countertops.

Ooofff!  The weight of the vase instantly causes you to almost fall to the ground, almost breaking your cover but you save it just before it hits the ground. Wow, this thing is way heavier than it looks.

Slowly, you walk closer to the hooded man, vase in hand, out of sight from his vision as his back is still turned to you. Now about two feet away, you raise the vase higher in preparation to hit him. Suddenly, his large frame begins to straighten and his hood falls down to reveal that stupid unmistakable half pink/half yellow hair from underneath.

Before you can lower your arms with the vase, Taehyung turns around and jumps back in surprise at your position, eyes wider than you have ever seen them before.

“Ahh!” He screams, right hand moving to cling over his heart which sends the vacuum he was holding back down to the floor in another crash! very similar to the one you had heard just a few minutes ago.

It takes a second for his vision to adjust, but his wide eyes relax a little when he sees that it’s just you. “God dammit, Y/N! I just fixed the vacuum!” He breathes, trying to gain his bearings back.

In the midst of recovering himself, he takes in your position, clad in sweatpants and an old t-shirt, no makeup on, and still holding the heavy vase in your hands quite close to the previous position of his head.

Meanwhile, you take in his appearance as well. Yellow rubber gloves on, spray bottle in his left hand, vacuum now on the floor, and his bright hair pushed back in a Nike headband.

This whole situation was so odd to you. What was he even still doing here at the house? Usually he was nowhere to be found the day after his parties. You had figured he was either avoiding dealing with the mess or too hungover to make it out of his room.

“Taehyung?” You sputter in disbelief.  “What are you doing?”

As expected of him by now, his expression morphs into one of annoyance at your question like it always does when you have a conversation with him. Well, a sober conversation with him.

“What am I doing? What are you doing?” His words come out with a bite. Obviously not too happy about being scared shitless just a minute ago. Taehyung places the spray bottle down on the glass side table next to him and his eyes snap to the gigantic blue blob you’re holding.

“Is that my vase?” Taehyung gestures to your hold on his expensive decoration. Which is still raised high above both of you.

Oh, right. Well that’s embarrassing.

“Uh.. Sorry, I heard a loud crash and thought someone broke in...” You confess earning a scoff of a laugh from Taehyung. “It was for self defense!” You swear as you lower the expensive vase from its position, looking for a place to put it down.

Settling on the floor next to you to keep it safe from harm, you turn back to the boy in front of you realizing why you were even out here in the first place. “But seriously, Taehyung. What are you doing out here?”

He lets out a sigh. As if he doesn’t need to answer your silly little questions. That they’re a waste of breath to even answer. But to your surprise he speaks up again.

“What does is look like I’m doing?” He waves the vacuum in front of your face. Your eyes almost go cross eyed from the movement and from the fact that you are still severely hungover. Everything starts spinning for a moment but you force your eyes to focus once again. “I’m cleaning.”

You can’t believe it. Taehyung? Cleaning?

A laugh bubbles up inside you. What kind of alternate universe did you wake up in?

Were you actually the mega huge pop star that parties 24/7 and was Taehyung now the maid of the mansion? You could really get used to this life if that was the case. Do whatever you wanted all the time. Buy anything you want. Millions of adoring fans around the world. Cute guys on your arm all of the time. What a life that would be.

But sadly, no. This was not a Freaky Friday like situation. Unfortunately, you were still the maid and Taehyung was definitely still the millionaire. There was no denying that. I mean jeez, even his sweats were Gucci.

At your laughter, Taehyung dismisses you and leans back down on his knees next to the contraption. His hands work on the appliance, trying to fix the vacuum, grumbling to himself about how “if you weren’t going to help then you should just leave him be” and something else you couldn’t really catch.

“Taehyung, do you even know how to work this thing?” You gesture to the vacuum, momentarily making him shift his gaze to you. Before he makes a face at you and goes back to trying to attach the carpet extension to the bottom.

“Of course I know how to work a vacuum, Y/N. I’m not a dumbass.” He snaps. Jaw hardening at the effort he’s putting into the vacuum.

His tone wipes what’s left of the amusement you had off of your face as you put your hands up in defense, moving away from him slightly. Was it stupid that you felt a little bit let down at the fact that he was still being short with you after last night’s talk with him? It might have been selfish, or maybe even naïve of you, but you had really hoped something would have changed in the way he talked to you once he had sobered up today.

 But if emotional and vulnerable Taehyung was only a one time thing and he was going to revert back to his old ways, it was best to give him some space like you used to do when he was like this.

Taehyung takes notice to your reaction of his rudeness and to your surprise, lets out a long sigh as he stops his work on the vacuum. Turning to you, he gives you his full attention as he sputters an apology. “I- I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.” Taehyung concedes, scratching the back of his head and looking away. He frustratingly tries and fails to click the attachment into place once again.

“It’s just, this vacuum has been giving me trouble all morning,” The annoyance that he had directed towards you, now all focused on the vacuum in his hands. “The attachment won’t stay in place and the hose keeps disconnecting from the bag too. I don’t know why it keeps doing this,”

You glance at the large contraption and immediately know what’s wrong. Well of course it’s been giving him trouble, that’s the wonky vacuum. The cleaning supply closet housed two different ones and you much prefer the other one that can actually hold up for more than 10 minutes without breaking. You had been meaning to throw out that vacuum actually, but just hadn’t gotten the chance yet.

But you won’t tell Taehyung that he grabbed the wrong one, not when he actually admitted he can’t do something by himself. And not when he looks so adorable as he tries to fix this one.

Wait- Adorable? Did that thought just cross your mind?

No, no. Not adorable. You definitely definitely meant silly, right? Yeah, that’s it. Taehyung was not adorable. No way.

But he did seem to be struggling with the vacuum currently and as the maid and expert in this situation, you might as well put him out of his misery and help him with it.

Dropping on to your knees next to him, you get to work on fixing the placement of the attachment.

After a moment of silence and contemplating the best way to word it, you finally ask him. “Taehyung what are you doing here?”

Lost in his own little world of concentration, he doesn’t register your question fully at first. “Y/N, we literally just went over this,” He speaks softly, his eyebrows furrowed together and his tongue kind of sticking out.

With his hair pushed back you could actually see his whole face clearly. Usually his objectively handsome features were slightly covered with his hair framing his face, but now, without anything to obstruct the view, his face appeared boyish. Youthful even. Resembling the young boy you used to love when he debuted his first album 5 years ago.

You had stopped your work on the vacuum while studying his features and he didn’t even seem to notice. “Yes Taehyung, I see that. But I meant what are you doing here? Like why are you physically at this location? You’ve never helped me clean up a party before...” You explain. Come to think of it- “Actually you’ve never helped me clean up anything before.”

At your words, Taehyung stops his own work on the vacuum and turns his attention to you again.

“That’s not true,” He denies folding his arms in front of him, the slightest trace of a smile on his lips.

You mimic his movement, folding your arms across your chest too. You don’t even have to say anything in reply since your face says it all. That’s he’s full of shit.

Suddenly, his hands move up in defense. “Ok so I guess I haven’t, but does that mean I can’t help you now?” Taehyung finally looks you in your eyes, and dammit, even though you could swear you’re over your youthful crush on him, every time his chocolate eyes stare into yours, you can’t help but get a little flustered.

“Of course not, I mean- Of course you can.” You start, words stumbling over each other. Dammit, this always happens to you.

His long legs begin to move under him to help himself stand up. “Because if you really want to do this all by yourself then I totally understand. I have other things to do. So I’ll just leave you to it-”

Wait no, he can’t leave. You need an extra set of hands to help clean all of this shit up. The past couple of weekends it has taken you literally all day and even part of the next day after that to clean up the party. You could save so much time if someone else were to help you out.

“No!” You exclaim, instinctively reaching out to grasp his arm in your hand, preventing him from fully standing up. And effectively almost making you fall on your face if it wasn’t for his solid form steadying you above the ground.

Your knees were still in contact with the carpet but he was basically holding your upper body up with just his arm. If he were to move you would legitimately fall on your face.

The fabric of his sweatshirt bunched under your tight grip but you could still feel his muscles flex underneath and coincidentally, your face just happened to be parallel to his crotch area.

Oh, you could feel the blush creep its way up on your cheeks. Clearing your throat, you ignore the heat in your face and try to flash your most innocent, convincing smile up at him. “I mean, I can really use all of the help I can get.”

You could be imagining it, but you think you see amusement flash in his eyes as the popstar looks to your compromising position in front of him and the predicament you seem to be in with most of your weight on his forearm.

Ugh, this boy. Always making you flustered in some way shape or form. Can’t you make it through one interaction with him just acting like a normal human being?

Like a kid who convinced their mom to stop at McDonalds even though they definitely had plenty of food at home, Taehyung’s smug little smirk stretches across his stupid little face. “Well if you insist,”  Taehyung moves back to his original spot on the floor, breaking your grip on his arm and sending you face first onto the carpet. “Now if you’ll help me figure this vacuum situation out, I can get back to helping you clean up,”

Um ok, OW. If your hangover headache hadn’t already been pulsing through your head, you’re sure you would have had one now. Groaning to yourself, you turn back to the laughing Taehyung, snatch the vacuum from him, pop the attachment in its place quickly and secure the hose.

Taehyung’s smirk is quickly wiped from his face from how easily you had fixed the vacuum that he had been struggling with all morning. He opens his mouth as if to say something but you cut him off.

“Alright, let’s get to work,” You say and the roar of the vacuum fills the room.

-----------

“When I volunteered myself to help clean up the party I didn’t realize that meant that I had to clean the whole house!” Taehyung groans, wiping a drop of sweat from his forehead and taking a long gulp of water on the stool he was sitting on at the kitchen island.

“As I recall, it was technically your party. So now you have to deal with the repercussions like a big boy,,” Humor laced in your words. You can’t help but smile at the child-like whine Taehyung lets out in reply.

What a sight to see. Taehyung. Actually wiped out from cleaning of all things.

After about 3 hours of cleaning the main living room (the messiest of the rooms), the balcony, the halls, the foyer, and the kitchen, you had just broken the news to Taehyung that you still had to check the extra rooms of the mansion to see if any wondering party goers had managed to weasel their way in. Whether it be to hook up or have their own private party in the midst of the craziness that had ensued upstairs, you still had to make sure you didn’t miss any extra clean up among the many, many rooms of the mansion.

At your words Taehyung requests another couple of minutes of rest and a snack to gain back his energy, which you gladly give him as you had begun to feel your stomach actually crying out to you for food as well. Turning to the pantry to grab a cereal box, you began to think back at the events of this morning.

Throughout the hours of clean up, Taehyung had been… Well he’d actually been kind of pleasant. Of course he still had some snarky comments to make here and there but for the most part, he was actually very helpful and nice to you. He even cracked a couple of jokes about random leftover “party favors” from the guests and there wasn’t even a hint of the old snarky douchebag he once was when you first met him.

Your conversations felt natural. It felt like you two could actually be friends.

After a loud gulp and a satisfactory Ahhh! from Taehyung, the chair he was sitting on scrapes back on the marble floor as he stands. “Alright Boss, where to next?”

His choice of nickname amuses you. Boss? Hm, you could get used to that.

You stuff your mouth with one last handful of Cheerios and take a sip of water before turning back into the pantry to put the cereal box back. “Well I was thinking that we could actually split up to make the search go faster. You could take the movie room, spare garage, closets, and game room and I’ll take the sauna, pool room, recording studio, and the rest of the random rooms. Sound good?” You yell from the pantry.

There’s no reply to your suggestion which makes you stick your head back into the main kitchen to see where Taehyung went. You’re surprised to find him standing there with a concerned look on his handsome face. Brows knitted together in uncertainty like he’s trying to figure out what to say.

“Uh, Taehyung?” You wave your hand out in front of you to get his attention. Taehyung is never at a loss for words. Something’s off.

He looks up at your movement before his eyes advert to the ground from your questioning gaze. “Actually… Can we, uh, look through the rooms together?” He questions, voice a little shaky.

“Why would we do that when we can cover more ground if we split up and report back to each other?” You inquire back to him, not really knowing how he’s going to answer you back.

Why would he need you to be with him just to check some rooms to see if anyone made a mess? Could it be he wants to spend more time with you? That’s unlikely since you already just spent 3 hours together cleaning.

The mansion is quite big, maybe he’s scared or something? That thought makes you laugh a little to yourself. Wouldn’t that be cute if he was scared. “Are you afraid of going alone or something? I wouldn’t blame you, the downstairs hallways can get pretty frightening,” You tease, moving to the side of the counter opposite of Taehyung.

Taehyung’s hand goes to scratch the back of his head like he’s embarrassed or something. Obviously something is bothering him. Come on kid, just spit it out already. “No, it’s just…” He pauses, looking like he’s debating on admitting whatever is bothering him to you. After a moment he finally speaks again. “I... Don’t really know where those rooms are,” He admits, eyes still trained at the floor.

Your head instinctively cocks to the side like a confused little puppy. Was he joking again? This has to be a cover for something. For what, you don’t know. Your eyebrows narrow in suspicion. “What do you mean you don’t know where those rooms are? This is your home. You literally designed this house,”

You could tell he was embarrassed as you see his cheeks redden in front of you. And by the way he won’t meet your eyes as he talks. You’ll have to start taking notes of times when he gets flustered as it doesn’t happen too often. “There are just so many random rooms and corridors that branch off of each other and I… I would get lost down there. I didn’t realize at the time how big it was going to be!”

“What do you mean you realize?” You shoot back. How could someone building a house and just not realize all of the rooms that were being put in? Didn’t they each have a function that he specifically wanted? Hell, there’s even a room dedicated to just his award show trophies!

“Well now you’re just repeating what I say, Y/N,” Taehyung’s hands are now on his hips in defense. A casual look on his face like he didn’t just tell you he doesn’t know how to get around his own house.

“Taehyung,” You warn. Eyes obviously searching his for an explanation.

After a minute long stare down between the two of you, his neutral expression finally breaks. “I WAS DRUNK OK?” He yells, causing you to recoil back in surprise at his sudden outburst. “I told the developers I wanted all of this pointless shit that I thought would be cool in a house and I approved the plans without even looking at them,”

Woah. You definitely weren’t expecting that answer. Taehyung moves to sit back in his stool in defeat trying to make himself smaller in front of you because maybe then you wouldn’t judge him as hard. The playful tone of your conversation had taken a turn, and it seemed as if Taehyung was genuinely embarrassed by his own words. “I was at a kickback with some of my crew on tour, too far gone to even remember my own name and... I don’t know, Y/N, this place just kind of happened,”

His explanation and his defeated body language made you wonder. Was this grand mansion, dripping in frivolous, priceless items, and unnecessary extravagances a mistake to Taehyung?

If Taehyung literally had a mansion built for him while he was drunk, you couldn’t imagine what other crazy things he has done with his ridiculous wealth when he wasn’t in the right state of mind. The air in the room had suddenly lost its warmth as you could tell Taehyung was slipping into memories of his past couple of years of stardom.

As you looked at him with his head between his hands in shame, shoulders slumped, and eyes staring at the white granite countertop like he hated it, you realized something. Maybe Taehyung didn’t even like the mansion he spent more than your whole family’s life’s worth of salary on. Maybe he was ashamed of this place instead of proud of it. After all, just because this was his house, it didn’t mean it was his home.

“Have you ever wondered why my room looks so completely different from the rest of the house?” His words startle you from your thoughts. You didn’t even notice him taking his head out of his cradled position. But before you could answer him he continued.

“It’s because after they built the house it felt so.. Sterile. So lifeless. So… White.” He continued, seeming to regain some of his composure as he looked around the kitchen and over to the rightful placement of his grandmother’s rooster on the kitchen counter.

“I tried to liven it up with the art but that still didn’t cover up the blandness, and since I couldn’t justify redoing the whole house, I had them redo just my bedroom to make it how sober me wanted it. Now it’s the only place in this massive house that I truly can relax and feel at home.” Taehyung’s voice had considerably lowered in volume until he finally finished his confession in a whisper. “I think that’s also why I avoided living in this house for as long as I did before I met you. And even now that I do live here, I still haven’t brought myself to venture downstairs,”

A lot of things had started to make sense about Taehyung in these past couple of minutes. Like a glimpse of what he had been up to while he was on the road for so long and why you never had come across him when you first started your job here.

But also, lots of questions had been raised too. What drove him to party so much that he would black out and make such rash decisions? And why is it just now that he seems like he decided he didn’t want to be that kind of man anymore? What had changed?

You decide not to push him any further, as he tends to close up more when you try to pry.

Taehyung would offer you as much information into his private life as he saw fit if you just let him talk and didn’t interrupt him. Just let him let it all out the way he wanted to.

It seemed like he was in need of someone to be more of a confidant than a therapist, and for whatever reason, ever since last night, he had picked you to be that person for him.

Not that you were complaining in any way. No. This was much better than him jumping down your throat with insults or sexual innuendos. You would much rather take this kind of conversation with him any day. But it was tough to see him retreat into himself from time to time.

Deciding to lighten the mood, you offer your hand to him with a smile from his position on the stool. “Then let me give you a tour. Out of anyone, I think know this house the best. After all, I have been cleaning it for practically a year,”

Taehyung’s apprehensive look goes from your smiling face to your outstretched hand that’s beckoning him to stand up. You can tell he’s trying to assess if you’re being serious or not.

At this you roll your eyes. Of course he would be wary of your intentions right after he just confided in you. It’s like he doesn’t trust you or something.

Instead of waiting for him to take your hand, which quite honestly might have taken all day, you grab his hand off the counter. His skin on yours is surprisingly smooth and oddly very warm, his hand instinctively latching on to yours as you give it a pull to get him on his feet. The action seems to catch him off guard, but he recovers quickly.

Now with Taehyung back on his feet, you could hopefully take his mind off of his own thoughts and show him that the house he created for himself isn’t actually that bad. It’s actually a really cool house that has tons of features that could really use some love after going unused for so long. You actually were a little bit excited to show Taehyung everything his house had to offer now that you think of it.

It isn’t until you feel a slight squeeze on your hand to bring you out of your thoughts that you realize you were still holding onto Taehyung’s hand. You drop his hand from yours in sight embarrassment and walk to the two small hampers of dirty towels that you had used to clean the upstairs rooms of the house.

Taking one of the baskets, you begin walking in the direction of the elevator not bothering to wait for Taehyung to join you. “Chop chop, Tae. Last tour of the day leaves in two minutes and I’ve heard the tour guide waits for no one,” You say over your shoulder at the boy who’s still staring at you frozen in his place. “Oh, and take the other basket of laundry for me, will you? We can stop at the laundry room while we’re down there!”

It isn’t until the elevator dings and the doors slide open that Taehyung springs into action, gathering the rest of the laundry and making it into the elevator beside you just in time.

You look up at the boy next to you with a satisfactory grin as the two of you hold your respective laundry baskets in your arms. His face no longer trained into a look of regret, rather with what seems like joy.

You don’t know why, but something compels you to knock your shoulder with Taehyung’s to get his attention. “You know, I’ve always had an irrational fear of elevators,” You confess. It’s true. Ever since you were a little kid you were afraid of getting stuck and not being rescued, or a cable snapping and you falling to your death.

Taehyung looks down at you in a confused wonder at first, but then a second passes and he’s jumping up in the air, subsequently causing the whole elevator to shake in its descent.

Immediately, your right hand darts out to try to push Taehyung’s shoulder downward and prevent him from jumping, but he’s too large and the hamper in your left arm is doing nothing to help. A fit of giggles bursts out between you two as you begin to hit his arm and scold him for trying to make the elevator break down.

As the elevator slowly comes to a stop so does his jumping, and with the widest, boxiest grin, Taehyung looks down at you from his inherently taller viewpoint. In that moment of pure happiness you grin back up at him finding yourself wondering, not for the first time, why your relationship couldn’t have started off like this in the beginning. Completely unaware that at the same exact time, Taehyung just so happened to be wondering the same thing too.

<-- Previous Chapter | Next Chapter -->

[lorentibbs-blog]

Manic Depressive

Manic Depressive.

Every morning he makes me a cup of tea.

Once he even delivered a Harry Spesh- one-part espresso, one- part hot water and one- part steamed milk, to me in the shower. I wondered whether Espresso Cartel could offer this service during alert level 3 in the current pandemic.

“I do not want a relationship”. He looked at me with eyes verging on panic. Our conversation before that had also put me on edge. I had introduced myself and he said ‘I know who you are. We are friends on Facebook’. It had made me feel uncomfortable to have been connected on social media with someone who I did not recognize in real life. He had even come to my flat to collect a costume from my flatmate before the party we were at and I did not recognize him then or now.

 A party on top of a mountain. Well because my life had become rather progressive and trendy from the outside looking in. My flatmates had introduced me into a world of polyamory, sophisticated and successful people who cared about the environment, radical self-acceptance ( I only understood it as a concept at this point), and drug use that took me to places I’d never imagined. Inside however, I was in absolute turmoil. I was very unwell and did not know how sick I was at that point.

We had laughed as he explained that we had matched on Tinder and I had insisted on communicating on Facebook. We had arranged to meet at Toad Hall for coffee but 10 minutes beforehand I had decided it was all too much for me. When I looked back on that conversation, Sebastian had responded eloquently to my crazed blow off message and even said that he had had a lovely morning at the market instead. He has this way of understanding and making you feel human for your flaws rather than an insane nut job. The jury is still out for me on that one

The party itself was too much for me. I had climbed a mountain on LSD with two amazing wahine and then stepped into the lodge which was full of equally astounding people. I was terrified. I made my way to a bunk and clung on to my safety duo, Clara, and Tess. We went through the motions, the costumes, dinner (more vegan options than not), excruciating anxiety, the drugs, the fashion show, and the sex pile. The fashion show had ended with my flatmate Ngairi, whose birthday it was, atop a human pyramid. I dropped some MDMA like most of the party goers had. I had hoped this would curb my anxiety and fatigue. It helped but I did find myself going back and forth between the main room and my bunk all night. At one stage I had been led onto another bunk by my other flatmate Ryan, who was Ngairi’s partner. They are polyamorous you see, and he had asked me if I had wanted to hook up.

I always feel so good the next day after MDMA. I should probably explore why this is. I guess when I am on the drug, I have all these revelations and then the next morning potentially I feel lighter?

So, after 12 hours of stepping into the lodge I was finally ready to introduce myself to someone. 

Sebastian was by himself pretending to look busy with a broom. I enthusiastically (probably the most energetic and social I had felt the whole time) introduced myself and the conversation flowed around depression, anxiety, and Sebastian’s house build. I had suggested that we go for coffee at Toad Hall like we had initially planned to 2 years before. This is where I was taken back with his response of “I don’t want a relationship” it was like he had seen my brain ticking off all the characteristics I was valuing as we spoke. “sensitive, understanding of depression, attractive, a Colgate worthy smile, built his own house, older than me, mutual friends and blue eyes that saw right through me”. Later I would tease him about his panicked response as if I were ‘just’ asking him to go for coffee

Getting to know Sebastian has been a remarkably interesting journey since then and has been the catalyst for much introspection.

As I walked down the mountain that afternoon, I did a lot of self-reflection. I was thankful that one of our trio had left us early and I was left just walking down with Clara Keel. I found it so easy to talk to Clara. I think she found it easy to talk to me too. Even in a manic-depressive episode I was able to make beautiful connections with admirable people. Her girlfriend suffered from major depression and anxiety and was on Venlafaxine. It was very enlightening to hear from Clara as a partner with someone with depression. Clara invited me to go snowboarding with her and her friends over the winter and we promised to see each other very soon. I did not see her again for a long time. Turns out she is outrageously hard to pin down. I am stoked about that though because Clara keeps herself busy with a lot of incredible environmental and political work. We stopped and chatted to various people from the party down the mountain. Our ride Mikey Clementine was running down the mountain and said he was happy to wait for us at the carpark.  We caught up with Sebastian and a crew he was walking with. We walked down with him and I was very aware of him positionally to me. I did not really talk too much. Id taken a mushroom and weed coconut concoction that my ex had made me and I was vibing with the trees and my surroundings. I was very appreciative of the conversation Sebastian and Clara were having and was happy just witnessing it

On the ride back, my mushroom trip was really kicking in. Mikey blew my mind when he described his interest in the dominant and submissive scene. He made a point I have never forgotten and in that moment a switch flicked in my head. He explained that with every sexual session all participants would sit down before hand and have a discussion around their expectations, wants, limits, and fetishes. If either party felt uncomfortable or did not feel like their sexual style matched, then nothing would go ahead. I felt like these conversations should be happening around any kind of sex. It would save so much miscommunication and boundaries being crossed. In the history of my sexual life these conversations were really lacking and had there been space for them that may have saved a lot of suffering. Interesting that this style of sex is viewed in quite a dark and risky light by most but could potentially be the safest kind in terms of discussion, boundaries and consent. Purely because a discussion is expected and is compulsory beforehand.

Ngairi was absolutely filled with joy after her birthday party. We chatted in the kitchen and she was fizzing about the weekend’s events. I began to tell her the story about Sam and I and our failed tinder meet up. She paused me mid-way through and vomited rainbows and unicorns over her experience of Sebastian that weekend. She described their rendezvous in the pile of costumed MDMA cuddle puddle participants. Ngairi was on top of Sebastian in the cuddle puddle.  “Ryan bounced up to me in his bunny costume and I was so happy to see him” she described their embrace as she disclosed into Ryan’s ear “Sebastian has a boner!”. Ryan and Ngairi both giggled and shared a cheeky grin as he bounced away. Sebastian was fingering Ngairi the whole time the interaction took place. As it turned out, Ngairi and Sebastian had fooled around in the cuddle puddle and had intercourse before Ngairi returned to her bunk with Ryan. Later Sebastian would tell me he thought I had known that him and Ngairi had slept together the night before when I asked him if he wanted to go for a coffee. ‘yeah I thought you knew and were still asking me out. I thought wow this polyamory thing is real eye-opening stuff

Ryan in turn had hooked up with a large percentage of the party, me included. When Ryan and I had hooked up I was taken back when he stopped our encounter and told me he was going back to the party. It was interesting to initially feel rejected he did not want to take things further like I thought we were going to. I am thankful for the experience of having someone stop me in my tracks sexually. Anyone can stop any sexual encounter at any time. I guess I was just flabbergasted momentarily as I have never had any male stop me before. I stayed in the bunk and rested after this. Ryan came back to check if I was okay. I was so exhausted, and my brain was very fuzzy at this stage.

I will not deny that I was disappointed when Ngairi had told me about her encounter with Sebastian. In fact, I will go as far as to say I thought “fuck you Ngairi, you have the best boyfriend can’t you be happy with that”. I reflected on this thought process and by the end of the week I was disappointed in myself for thinking this way.

Ngairi Newton chose to live her life this way. She was in a committed polyamorous relationship with Ryan Mcgregor This relationship allowed her to explore any other relationship in any way she liked and vice versa. I had found her perspective on relationships so exciting initially.  Polyamory was a new concept for me, and I had found myself in the household of the most exceptional and liberating relationship id ever heard of.

So how did I find myself in the position I was in? Unemployed, depressed, anxiety ridden and barely coping, living with two of the most inspirational and functional people I have ever met?

I was living with Ngairi and Ryan for the second time. The first time was only a three week stay while I was in between places. I am always in between places as you will find out. I am in between places right now as we speak. And will be 5 times over by the time this story is done.

Emilie my flatmate at the time had invited me to a Halloween party. Emilie was a very bizarre and unnerving woman but one that was difficult to say no to. I remember feeling instantly connected to her when I first viewed the room. We engaged in deep conversation incredibly early on, I mean I do not believe I was there longer than half an hour. We both identified our fathers as the cause of all the turmoil in our lives.  She did not hear me when I first knocked on the door even though I was bang-on on time (sat outside in the car for 20 minutes because I was early). She was on her kitchen floor pulling all the contents out of the cupboard. Her current flatmate had told her about a book that was about de cluttering your life (literally). She had just flown back from a disastrous 3-month trip in France and was experiencing some severe jet lag. She had just cleaned out her wardrobe and I left in a state of glee with all the gorgeous garments this exciting woman no longer wanted. Two weeks into moving in with Emilie I knew I had made a mistake. We found ourselves in a very messy situation in the end that was further complicated by my close friends taking the room I was not quite ready to give up.

 I had realized that I could not live with her. She had taken it to heart when I told her this and somehow my telling her I was thinking about looking for a new room turned into me giving her two weeks’ notice. I guess there may have been a miscommunication. Little did I know how scarce accommodation in Nelson was at this point.  Anyway, through all of this we managed to stay civil and she invited me, like the Gemini she is, to a party the weekend before I was to move out.  We found it difficult to find the party and when we did it was really humming. Turned out to be a party of a woman who I had met before. Again, on the path to finding the right accommodation.  Chrissie and I had met at Claudia’s house. Claudia owned a house I had fallen in love with, the room available was Christie’s room. I did not get the room. This party was a housewarming for Chrissie’s new place. I had enquired about this place as well.  Chrissie had told me over text that she was looking for a new house because she wanted to take drugs over the summer and have more of a party living environment. She then said that she thought it would not really suit me as at that point I had intense social anxiety. Since then I have befriended several people in a circle of friends that Chrissie and I now share. We have encountered each other a few times. Each of those times I have been unwell. She is beautiful, funny, Canadian and she is an engineer. Its hard not to be starstruck by her. I imagine Chrissie and I would get on like a house on fire if I were at my best when I ran into her, I always seem to be unwell though. Emilie is gone within moments of us entering the sea of costumed people. I make a bee line to the table of snacks. And I start munching on chips and dip as if my life depended on it. I am not sure how it happened but I found myself in a conversation with a woman in an amazing shiny pants suit, the blazer atop a sequined bikini top, her face was painted in a Mexican skull design and she had a platinum blonde bob. What a bad bitch. (id never actually say that in real life. Real hero behind a keyboard type stuff)

When Mel, a fellow volunteer from the Wellness Movement, suggested asking her if she would rent out her spare room, I was not picturing Ngairi as the woman in from of me.

I had imagined a 40 + year old slightly chubby Maori woman with a couple of cats. As it turned out Ngairi only had one cat named Espresso. I am fairly sure Espresso wouldn’t have had me if she had had a choice in the matter. Fair enough too as it turns out.

[igotubabe-blog-blog]

September to Mid-October

Summer was good. but this Fall has been a tough, darker, sobering couple of months.

This may be a surprise, but I've decided to go in to hospice, and am about a week into it.

The change? September into October hit us with one crisis after another. First was devastating constipation I spent about ten hours one day battling. Utterly exhausting. The next day I needed to go to the hospital for an emergency catheter, because I couldn't pee.

A couple weeks later I had devastating diarrhea, that drained me of most of my energy. The next day I had to go to the hospital because I couldn't pee, and needed another emergency catheter.

A couple weeks later, Inga told me I needed to go to the emergency room because my blood oxygen was super low (she typically checks my vitals like three times a day). I said no, she said yes. So we called for an ambulance.

She was right: a couple hours later I was delirious with pain and getting IVs with antibiotics and painkillers. I was a mess. Turned out to be a combination of RSV and a UTI. I largely had recovered the next day. The hospital (Shady Grove) was so good I asked them to keep me for another day (which I NEVER do). And they said ok. The RSV really knocked me sideways.

Keep in mind I had stopped taking the chemo during this, probably in late September.

Montgomery County emergency teams are excellent. This last trip, I was too week to climb in our own car, so they came and got me.

Each of these events takes time to recover from. I'm not a normal guy: I'm a guy who's been battling cancer since 2019. I've had four major surgeries on my spine, 41 days of radiation (I'm proud to say my friend's cancer group thinks that is legendary), and been on various chemos for over a year.

These two guys have been so essential to us for years. Terrible pictures of both. Nils(L) is a physician's Assistant and is keeping watch over me until I can get out of the hospital (I haven't time to complain about the transport service the hospital uses). Bryan (R) is a former colleague and awesome friend who lifted me out of bed. Lifted me into our car, and got me out of the car, close to midnight, to get me home, because after 10 hours of waiting, transport still hadn't shown up. Legendary friends, who have been there for us more times than we can count.

Each event chips away at you. You're a little less strong, your mind works slower, I struggle to find simple words, I've been twenty-five pounds underweight for years, my legs stopped being able to hold me up.

Inga and I were talking about everything after, and when I would go back to chemo treatments. Maybe after this next weekend?

My answer was I didn't want to go back on chemo. And she understood.

After well over a year on different chemos, none of which stopped tumors from growing (though clearly slowed them from growing, but also caused their own problems) I didn't want to dive back into a circus that was depriving me/our family with a Dad who slept all the time. The catheters prevented me from returning to aquatherapy, one of my most joyful activities. Then after the last hospital trip, I had lost the strength to transfer into the wheelchair. That meant I was bed-bound. I couldn't go into the living room and interact with the boys. I couldn't get myself to the bathroom anymore. Doing any kind of PT exercises was very limited in the bed.

CURRENTLY

So here I am, at home in a hospice hospital bed that I can sit up or lay down in. Emmanual comes in three days a week to give me a shampoo and bath. He's awesome. And nurses who come in once a week. But there's def a bit of: here's your mechanical bed and some heavy duty meds and ...you're on your own. We were expecting more.

Word has been getting out, and we've seen an increase in visitors. I don't know how long that will last. Inga can only do so much. Lukas has a cold he's been unable to shake and Inga spent over two hours on hold trying to get an appt(!). When she brought him into the office, they told her she had to call to get an appt. Just insane. And I can't play with him because he's sick. I have paperwork to do (financial stuff + +) and have limited energy before I need a nap (I still sleep a lot).

If we're unable to meet or talk with you -it's not because we don't care, it's because we have limited bandwidth. Thanksgiving will come soon. Both boys have birthdays in December. Christmas, then New Years. I am hoping to make it into 2023. Tumors have shown us before that they can grow quickly. We don't know what will happen, when.

I have gotten incredibly generous emails from friends abroad. A phone call with a college friend I haven't seen in 28 years, though we have talked online occasionally. Amazing how easily chats with old friends go. That has been nice.

MOM

Just to add some goodness to this post, my sister Tracy was able to visit mom in Vermont this Fall, and to her credit, did mom a lot of good while she was there. Thanks for being there for her sis. I love you!

We have love for all of you following this, and for those rooting for us and supporting us in various ways. Thank you so much for all you've done(!). We love you back!

#love #friends #toddtacklescancer #fiskFamily

(11/13/22)

[myqueendomawaits]

Hey Guys!

From fete to fete to fete to mas, partying non stop.

We have pre-carnival fetes as early as May, however if it’s one weekend you need to be here for it is the one leading up to parade day. Check out my Carnival Vibes 2017 post to see the comparison. New promoters came on the scene this year to make this weekend even more action filled. Before, people would complain about not having anything to do or why we couldn’t be like the bigger islands (Trinidad/Barbados) and have parties back to back, well now we’re starting to.

Carnival in Antigua

The list of official events for Carnival (There were date changes for some events)

Let’s see how I tackled this weekend! [August 3rd – August 7th]

So I was tempted to take Thursday off but didn’t wanna waste my vacation day *lol*. I also have unofficial “sick” days, but still would it be worth it? If you’re here during the week, on Thursday there’s a boat cruise: Drink till yuh Weak. I actually didn’t hear much people talking about it this year, before or after. I know I saw one person complaining about the time they left the docks, but that’s about it. Funny thing is I actually got the option to go after work (4:30p.m.) but passed on it.

FRIDAY: DUCK WORK, DRIPPING, MELTING POT

First up was DUCK WORK. As you guessed it from the name, the whole mission of this fete is to “duck” (skip) work on that day to party. I actually took a day and ducked work completely just to experience the full vibe of this fete. It’s a BBAC (Bring a Bottle & Come) fete with also a small monetary contribution. It’s a small-scale fete, but still a good time. There was complimentary seasoned rice which unfortunately ran out as we made it to the top of the line. Different food items were on sale however at only select times. Overall, the vibes were good and the music & drinks kept flowing.

I didn’t make it to the other two events; however Dripping was a pool party featuring DJ Puffy and Melting Pot was a concert with different Caribbean artists. This year they had Machel Montano, Jahmiel, Secreto and other local artists.

SATURDAY: RISE, BLUSH, FAHRENHEIT

RISE, the first of its kind, is a day break event powered by paint, powder, water and SOCA. By the time I saw it advertise I knew it was a must for me. I’m a soca junkie and got my fill of soca music at this event. The dancehall, reggae and hip hop tunes didn’t come until towards the end where I was just about to leave. The fete started at midnight and I got there around 1:30 a.m., I was shocked at the amount of people already there and how the vibes were. Usually, people walk into a fete late and it takes forever to get the vibes started. It was vibes from beginning to end for me even with the unwanted pushing and soaking with water/paint. The only downside was the wait to get food and drinks. There was complimentary food from 12-3 a.m., however, it was only one station and the line was way too long. I felt like I was missing out on the vibes especially when songs I liked were being played.

For more pictures from the event, click here Pictures by Two6Eight Promotions

BLUSH, another new event on the scene is an all-inclusive brunch event themed to all shades of pink. When the flyer released I was definitely interested however my liming buddies for the weekend weren’t. Fahrenheit was a headphone party and I actually never been to one but I opted out at the very end.

Also, I wasn’t sure how I’d manage all three of the events listed for Saturday as that was the initial plan. Thus I only ended up at one and slept for the rest of the day. Definitely not about this fete life.

SUNDAY: BREAKFAST FETE, SOCA MONARCH

The Original Breakfast Fete is the ultimate all-inclusive fete. If you read my post from last year, you’d get the gist of everything this fete has to offer. It starts at 4:00 a.m. and was to go until 3:00 p.m. but I’m not sure what time it actually ended because I left after 5/6. Sadly, the bar did close at 3 though.

Picture by Solo Photography

The set up this year was a little different with where the stage was and the bar access, I actually enjoyed it. There was seating available by the food section, but not as much as last year and also lounge options around the speciality bars. My drink of choice for the day was a Cosmopolitan with Grey Goose Vodka.

As usual the food lines were extremely long, but I managed to finesse my way into a variety of food such as KFC, Goddard Catering, Chicken & Bread, Chicken Pasta, and Fried Wings. More food options were definitely available but the wait time would have been ridiculous (due to the amount of people present.)

The fete featured a wide range of performances all of which I can’t remember *lol*. From Calypso to Soca music, both regional and local. Mighty Swallow, David Rudder, Baron, Peter Ram, Patrice Roberts, Orlando Octave, Erphaan Alves, Ricardo Drue, Tian Winter etc. You can check out my IG Carnival Story for snippets of the action.

Last year we did the Antigua Flag, this year we tried something different.

Picture by Trini Jungle Juice

MONDAY: JOUVERT, MAS

So, unfortunately I skipped Jouvert this year. The one year they actually had a pink shirt and more paint/powder. My jouvert troupe of choice would have been Caut!on.

Mas with Myst Carnival

Before we got on the road there was costume pickup. This happened the Friday before Carnival for my section, even though I was annoyed about this I didn’t take it on too much. The process also took about an hour, because it was crowded and felt like the organizers weren’t moving with haste. I had no problems with my costume, and their was also a goodie bag provided. The goodie bag was actually a fanny pack which would have been great on the road; inside there was lotion, sunscreen, glitter, gems, makeup remover, vitamin c, sanitary wipes and so much more. You can tell thought went into it.

Myst Monday – Definitely the best Monday of the year and the best Monday Mas experience I have ever had. As usual I met them at the lunch spot to ensure I ate before the action started. The food was okay, nothing to complain about and there were also many options to choose from. There was a live pasta station and a dessert section. At the venue there’s a refresher station where you can get hydrated, fix your make-up etc, as well as an area for massages.

The sun was blazinggg, so I definitely always had a bottle of water in hand. My drink choice on the road was English Harbor 10-year-old; I had no queries with the bar and always got my drinks in good time. The route started and ended at the Police Recreation Grounds and we crossed the stage some time after 6, so by then the sun was getting ready to set. From then, the jamming went to another level, there was a mixture of dancehall and soca to keep the vibes up. I can’t point out what exactly made Monday the better day, but it was vibes! We finished around 8:30 p.m. and I wanted more.

Carnival in Antigua

Hair by my sister & me: Protective Style: DIY Faux Locs Monday Wear by Needle & Threadz Makeup by Artistry by H.A.M

TUESDAY: MAS

The final day! What I love about this day is simply being in costume. Also, the food options were better on this day despite one minor mishap. We also received Haagen Dazs ice cream on the road, along with a variety of chips options.

Carnival in Antigua

To be honest, when they launched the costumes on social media, I hated most of them but somehow the black was calling my name. After seeing them in person at the mas camp, I was tempted to switch but stayed with my first option. The yellow my friend wore was definitely the “Hot Gal” section on the road though.

The theme for this year was Celestials. My section of choice – Noctis

Now to wait for next year!

As for the music on both days, it was a good thing I particularly liked 2018 soca music from across the region. To me, the most popular songs were Top Striker, Funky Business, Back Bend and Di Party Lit. Only on Tuesday we heard more of our local music like Total Oblivion and Out Deh. Even though our (Antiguan) 2018 soca songs may not have been up to par, music from previous years were hardly played.

A major plus for me for this year’s Carnival is the amount of recognition our festival was finally getting around the region and internationally. We had various media houses to include Trini Jungle Juice and Bajan Tube. There was also CDE Events who came for the weekend before with people from the UK and USA to include some pretty known youtubers and social media personalities. From since then I’ve actually seen individuals on twitter list Antigua as a carnival option for the coming years. It has been a struggle for us seeing as Cropover is held during the same time.

Carnival is always my favorite time of year. I truly can’t wait to experience it in another island.

Budgeting:

Roughly to do all the events during this weekend, I’ll budget USD $480 (excluding mas). However note that there is an option for purchasing early bird tickets as well as VIP options. The average price for an all/drinks inclusive fete is USD $65 regular, $112 VIP. To play mas the average price USD $500 – $800 for two days, depending on how extra you want to be (aka backline vs Queen of the Band).

More or less, that’s already USD $1000+ excluding airfare, so once you’ve decided that Antigua is the place to be, book your ticket EARLY! Also, add in extra for transportation, accommodation and food; most of the fetes are only drinks inclusive and you’d definitely want a snack after pumpin’ for so long.

If you have any questions about anything, don’t be shy! Ask me in the comments or use my contact form.

    Carnival Vibes 2018 Hey Guys! From fete to fete to fete to mas, partying non stop. We have pre-carnival fetes as early as May, however if it's one weekend you need to be here for it is the one leading up to parade day.

[shalliedragon]

Fur Squared 2018: Convention Report

All right. I think it's official now. Fur Squared is now my favorite furry convention. Their attention to detail, the sheer generosity of the attendees, the utter insanity of the events, the fact that it's just the right size, the fact that 40% of the attendees either sponsored or super-sponsored... all of those things make Fur Squared unlike any other convention I've been to. It is rare that I attend a convention that is pretty much non-stop happiness and excitement from beginning to end.

I say this despite the fact that the weekend was more or less one big blur of awesomeness. There weren't a whole ton of standout moments, because it was all consistently fun and enjoyable. But I will try to recount what I remember (might be easier now that it's over).

Thursday

Got everything packed into my car before work, and left work early to head on the road. It's a long drive from home to Brookfield, so I had to put the pedal down and just go. On the road I listened to the Dragget Show and Feral Attraction podcasts (sidenote: FA's "keeping yourself secure on the internet" episode was extremely disappointing, but that's a topic for another day).

I got to the con around 10:15 and checked into my room. I met my dear friend (and roommate) Jake (AKA Cobbs) in the lobby of the Sheraton. After exchanging pleasantries, he helped me carry my stuff in, and then we went over to MST3K (stylized to MiST3Ke on the schedule). Registration had closed, so I didn't have my con badge yet, but the person at the door thankfully let us in just by showing our state ID's.

The panelists were Alkali, Pandez, Xander, Draggor, Dixie Lioness, and Furry Bobs (I believe). The movie in question was... some kind of bad fantasy adventure thing, I don't remember the title, but it was bad. The panelists had to drink when a weapon was drawn, when there was a typo in the subtitles, when there was "(dramatic music)" playing, or the secret rule: anytime the panelists ended a sentence with a vowel. I didn't stick around to the end, as I was exhausted (so did Jake), but I think the panelists ended up winning.

We made our way back to the room, where we ran into our 3rd roommate, Gotherine Foxx (Gothy for short), who was putting the finishing touches (read: a pack of googly eyes) on a very large and ornately-drawn painting for the charity auction. She subsequently left with her friends, and then Jake and I went to bed.

Friday

I. Slept. Like. GARBAGE.

It took me a very long time to finally fall asleep the night before, and I don't quite know why. I think I got like 3-4 hours of sleep. It was BAD.

Thankfully, Fur Squared made it up to me with FREE BREAKFAST. This is one of my favorite features of Fur Squared. Every day of the con, they give all of the attendees vouchers for the breakfast buffet, so that everyone always gets at least one of the two meals needed for the 6-2-1 rule. I ate my fill, assuming that I wouldn't really be eating lunch that day. Jake and I sat with my friends Angel and Gabi, and we also ran into my friends Linn and Xeila.

After breakfast, I meandered around the con space with Jake, and went to get registered. Two things of note. First, they were giving out ribbons to the sponsors/super-sponsors that had character classes on them: archmage, drunken master, divine oracle, and ... one other one that I don't remember (I think it was Bard or something like that). I chose Archmage. Second, they had little stickers that you can put on your badge for your preferred pronouns. This made me REALLY happy; I always love it when cons try to be trans-inclusive.

Then we did some people-watching. There were a lot of familiar faces, and the excitement was palpable (both from the attendees, and from the many happy dogs that the charity had brought with them). I managed to snag a picture of Axikor as they walked past (it was actually the only picture I took the entire con, foolish me). Finally, it was time for opening ceremonies. It was filmed, so I won't go into detail, but long-story-short: the GOH's were Furry Bobs and Cypher (sp?), the artist of honor was Golden Druid, the con theme was "Lizards and Labyrinths 2nd Edition, Revenge of the Top Hat", the Kalerati and the Church of Adam started a charity donation war to see which one was the best, and people were silly. Good times.

Also, throughout this time, my 4th roommate, Dezzi, was nowhere to be found.

After the con was open, I made a beeline for my room and got right into my fursuit. I traveled around the con space some, posed for a few pictures, gave a few hugs, and got some professional photos taken at the photoshoot area in the headless lounge (I was due for some new photos). They had a whole collection of fantasy-themed props there, which made for some fun photos. I did a couple photos: one where I had a veil and some potions and looked like an alchemist, and one where I had a fistful of gemstones. The photos should be processed in the next few weeks.

I ran into my friend Alex while I was there; he was wearing his Azriel Dreemur fursuit (he's the one with the big Save button you see gallivanting around the cons). We chatted for a bit, and he went on his way.

I also had a goal for the weekend. Earlier in the year, I had bought a pack of "sprouts", these little clip-on plastic plants that you can affix to yourself as decoration. I was inspired by a former MFF roommate, Sven, who was giving them out to people. I wanted to continue the tradition, so that I could help #SproutTheLove on my own. I had a collection of 5 that I was going to give out by the time the weekend was over (I had already given my other 2 to my roommates).

After getting my photo taken, I sauntered downstairs to the video gaming room. They had rockband set up, so I immediately sat down at the drum kit and started getting a song set up. A couple other furries saw me banging on the drums and went "I have to get in on this." There were 3 of us playing "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers. And it was a cluster. We could barely hear the music, the instruments were all out of sync, and I was extremely rusty (and in fursuit). But it was fun, and it seemed like it made people smile, so it was worth it.

I said my goodbyes (I think we ended up attracting a small crowd), and made my way back to my room to cool off and clean up. I got a quick bite to eat at the con suite (which was decorated with candles, goblets, crystals, and even a little keg), and then made my way over to the Otherworld Stories panel. Alkali and a bunch of his Nero (LARP) friends told stories of their various experiences in LARPing, and hilarity ensued. It was a surprisingly popular event, and the individuals involved sounded pretty amazing. They also had a slideshow of old photos from Alkali's LARP days. I really wish they had Nero out where I live, because it sounded like a hell of a lot of fun.

After that I stayed put for convention horror stories. It's pretty standard for that kind of panel: old con chairs and con staffers talk about ridiculous terrible things that happened during their tenures, and hilarity ensued. I had heard many of them before, but it was still fun. It was filmed.

I got a quick bite to eat (#BeerCheeseSoup) between panels, and then went back for the 3-Headed Monster. As per usual, Alkali, Pandez, and Xander each did 15-20 minute comedy sets back to back. Xander got somewhat political, but also much darker than usual. Good balance of new and old material. Alkali ... was Alkali, and Pandez sang a song or two. It was filmed, as usual, and it is consistently one of my favorite events, so if you haven't seen it yet... see it. Seriously.

After that was QUIPFUR. This is Draggor's homebrew version of the popular video game Quiplash. Serathin was the MC (he basically just read off the answers and stuff) and the main panelists were Xander, Furry Bobs, and Huscoon. Unlike standard Quiplash (in addition to having furry-related questions), Quipfur was played where Draggor chose which two people played in a given round. He usually pitted one of the panelists against a random audience member. It was pretty hilarious, and I highly recommend it if you like fun events that you can participate in.

It was at that time that I noticed that Draggor still wasn't wearing his trademark skin-tight bodysuits. He was in a costume (broad-brimmed fantasy hat with feather, and tights), but he wasn't wearing a mask or anything. Indeed, throughout the entire convention, he only donned a bodysuit once: the fursuit parade (where he wore his Robbie Sinclair suit). Other than that, he was just his normal human self. He never said why he wasn't wearing them (to my knowledge), so I don't know what the reason was for the change of pace. I can only speculate: either a) he just wanted to change things up and do something different, or b) he was getting tired of being known as "the bulge" and wanted to be recognized for more than just his suits and his package. Maybe I'll ask him sometime...

After Quipfur, I went over to "Fox's Songs To Get Murdered By". Fox Amoore (accompanied by Flop the bass bunny) basically just played a bunch of random songs, and had Pandez, Alkali, and Boozy Badger sing along. It was definitely fun, and very silly. I think it was filmed (I hope so, because my memory for it was kind of weak).

Of note: this was one of the first panels I recall that made mention of the phrase "cripple fight." This phrase was to become a recurrent meme throughout the con.

Jake and I quickly went over to the restaurant and got some more food (I had a salad, and Jake had a salad with a brat sandwich, and also had the cocktail I got earlier that night, a variant of a sidecar). We often spent our time talking about things in the fandom and various hobbies. Jake's a soft-spoken guy, who often just responds with a "nice" or "I like that" when I tell stories. I worry that I am boring or annoying to him, but since he chooses to keep hanging out with me, I'm assuming my worries are unfounded.

After dinner part 2, we went to Whose Lion Is It Anyway (audience participation version). I've become more fond of the audience Whose Lion in recent years; people have gotten better at it, and the quality of the jokes has really increased. Further, I am SO HAPPY that Alkali specifically told people "please avoid insult humor and racist jokes" and encouraged people to get creative. That had been a problem in previous years; people had often used Whose Lion as an excuse to say terrible things to each other, in an attempt to be funny. But since they specifically quashed that this time, people actually tried different things beyond the typical "hey baby wanna do sex?" chestnut. It was great. Indeed, some some of the jokes were FANTASTIC.

Also more cripple fight. And Culver's. Culver's is apparently a thing now.

After that, we went to the bizarrely-titled "Boozy's Drunken Naptime." I honestly went into it expecting to see Boozy doing dramatic readings of children's stories or something. Instead, it was him, Huscoon, Fox Amoore, Nbowa, and Dixie Lioness just BS'ing for an hour. Weird, but still funny and interesting.

This seems to be a common theme for a lot of panels: get X people, put them on a stage, and have them tell funny stories and BS with each other, with pretty much no structure beyond that. There were at least 4 panels at Fur Squared that followed this format. It's a format I haven't really seen outside of furry conventions, and I am curious about how it came to be, and why it works so well. More research to come.

After that was the last panel of the night: Iron Alcoholic. It is competitive mixology. During each round, the competitors had to create a cocktail that met certain criteria (i.e. "must contain vodka, must be a shot"). They had a time limit to do this (2-3 minutes), and then audience members were the taste-testers for the event. Each round had a winner, based on how the audience felt. Me and Jake only stayed for 2 rounds, because the event started after midnight, and we were both exhausted. But it was pretty awesome. It was definitely filmed (thank you Silvergatomon, seriously he is a saint).

Saturday

I got up at around 8 in the morning, so that I could go to Xander's Saturday Morning Cartoons panel. I had been looking forward to this panel all year; it was a ton of fun last time. It's a great way to just relax and unwind on a Saturday morning. As usual, Xander created a "playlist" of various clips from cartoons and TV shows, and we just kind of sat and watched. It was funny, though some clips were better than others. Most of them were D&D or animal themed to an extent. Unlike last year, they didn't have cereal and milk, which was a bit disappointing. Still, a good time.

Immediately following was CHAIRity D&D. This was probably one of the best panels at the con. It was a one-shot D&D adventure, played by Alkali, Draggor, Dusty Montale, and John AKA Beardo The Magnificent, with Faelan as the DM. They were playing a variant of 5th edition, with some additional house rules to streamline things (each player had a deck of cards with spells on them). And it was BRILLIANT. The campaign was really smooth and fluid. Faelan was an EXPERT DM; he deftly made things up off the cuff, without batting an eye or checking a rulebook. All the players got really into their characters. And as usual, they were hilarious. To top it all off, the audience could donate money to the charity to both increase the difficulty of the adventure AND grant boons to the players if they so desired.

It was probably one of the best run, most entertaining D&D sessions I have ever witnessed. And it sounds like they'll be doing it again next year, so yeeeeeeee!

After the adventure, I booked it back to my room to quickly get into fursuit for the parade. While I was in the staging area, I ran into Xander (in suit) and gave him my usual hug. I also ran into my friend Angel, who was wearing her brand new wolf partial suit. It was super cute, especially because she had a big plush cookie in her mouth. After the group photo, the parade began. I was right behind Red Beagle (I think that's his name?) and I felt really bad, because I kept bumping into him as I walked. My vision isn't very good in-suit, so I had a hard time looking at the audience AND seeing where I was going. I'm going to make an effort to be aware of that going forward. Mustn't have been fun for Mr. Beagle (considering my head is made of resin and probably made for unpleasant noseboops).

On a lighter note, I do distinctly recall hearing people shout "Shallie!" as I rounded one of the corners (I think it was Leafy Greens?). This really made my day, as I rarely get recognized by name in the parade. I made an effort to get a lot of mugging and posing in, trying to do more than just wave. I think they like it when I act "fabulous", so I'm going to try and ham it up more next time.

After the parade, I rushed back to my room to get cleaned up before running back to attend Charity Whose Lion. Again, one of my favorite events. And again, more cripple fight (IIRC Boozy ended up swatting Propzilla with his cane). I highly recommend this panel; these folks are all experts at improv comedy. If you haven't seen it, watch the video when it comes out.

Following that, I went over to the dealer's room to take a look around, and collect my super-sponsor swag. This year's con swag: a Fur Squared beer mug, a t-shirt, a branded dice bag, a complete set of D&D dice, and a branded stemless wine glass for the super sponsors. As usual, sponsors got a copy of the poster, and super sponsors got to be IN the poster. I was pretty blown away by my picture: they knew somehow that I was a spellcaster, so they made me a sorceress (in a pretty dress no less). It was awesome.

After wandering around some more and snagging a bite to eat (while signing the super-sponsor poster for the charity auction and giving two sprouts away to some strangers), I went over to @FurSquared. This was a gameshow of some stripe, hosted by Iggy, where each round, people were given prompts, and were asked to come up with clever responses. For example, one of them was "what kind of fictional crossover have you always dreamed of?" The responses were pretty good, but I remember the game being a bit more... lively the previous year. Still, fun times.

Following that, I went over to another bizarrely named panel: "Monkey Knife Fights." Following a similar formula as Drunken Naptime, they put Alkali and Boozy up on a stage and had them BS for an hour. As you might imagine, it was hysterical. But that wasn't the cool part. That came after the panel.

Immediately following the event, Alkali revealed that a hypnotist had come to the convention, and was in the audience with us. I think some people donated to the charity to convince Alkali to undergo hypnosis at the hands of this gentleman. I thought "Oh this'll be funny, we'll watch Alkali do stupid things". But what actually happened was even better. The gentleman, who was named Mark, was a professional hypno-therapist, and he spoke all about how hypnosis can be used to help treat psychological disorders and mental illness. He also explained how hypnosis worked, in an effort to allay Alkali of his fears (he was visibly nervous at first).

Eventually, the ferret calmed down, and Mark began his hypnosis regimen. He told Alkali to imagine that a helium balloon was tied to his wrist, and that it was slowly filling up with gas. As it filled, Alkali was told to imagine that his arm was getting lighter as the pull of the balloon got stronger. Eventually, Alkali's arm PHYSICALLY ROSE OFF HIS LEG, and he literally could not make himself put it down. Then, Mark cut the balloon's "string", and Alkali went to sleep. Mark told Alkali to envision that one of his friends had snuck in the room and put googly eyes on Boozy's eyes (Boozy had been sitting there silently the whole time), and to think about how funny that would be.

At the end, Mark told Alkali that he wouldn't remember any of this, but that he would feel very refreshed and happy, and that he would see Boozy's "googly eyes" upon his waking. Mark commanded Alkali to wake up, and Alkali had the biggest, most placid grin I had ever seen on his face. He looked so peaceful, so content, so relaxed...

And then he turned and saw Boozy and LOST IT!

Alkali honestly believed that there were googly eyes on Boozy's face. He was all like "You look like Dr. Doom from Roger Rabbit!" and he laughed so hard that he nearly fell out of his chair. After he had calmed down, Mark asked how Alkali had felt. Alkali responded that he felt "the best I've felt all day."

I really hope that was filmed, because that was an incredible experience.

Moving on, I went to the super-sponsor dinner. More accurately, I stood in line for the super-sponsor dinner. Apparently there were so many super-sponsors that they had to bring in people in stages. I was toward the end of the line. Alkali was really apologetic, and said he would try to smooth things out for next year. But it honestly didn't matter. They had enough food for everyone.

And what a banquet it was. They had a buffet with chicken and mushrooms, roast beef, roasted vegetables, dinner rolls, salad, beer cheese soup, potatoes, cookies, brownies, and Sprecher Root Beer on tap. It was pretty delicious, especially considering how hungry I was. I sat at the table, eating with my fellow super-sponsors, thinking to myself "I'm doing this every year!" And frankly, I think I will. All the cool swag, getting to be in the poster, AND a free catered meal? Considering a Fur Squared supersponsorship is $100 less than one at MFF or AC, I think that's a pretty solid bargain.

Also, there was a proposal at the dinner. It was pretty sweet. I think Alkali cried.

After that was the DRAGGET SHOW! Super fun, like always. The panel was Xander and Alkali, Boozy, Draggor, and Pandez. I forget what all they talked about, but it was recorded, so eh. I do remember Xander mentioning the video I made for them. Context: I had been working on a remix of the JAPAN SONG for the past several weeks (go to YouTube and look up "dragget show japan song" if you want to see the original, or my remix), with my goal being to get it done before Fur Squared. I was successful. I also wanted to get Xander's attention about it (he tends to not check his phone often), so I asked him about it on his Patreon. He mentioned it, and said that he had actually retweeted the song. So yeah, that was cool.

Of note: the Dragget Show was a charity panel, so people were passing around the hat. But towards the end, there were two huge donations. One person donated $666.66. And (IIRC) Tobe donated $1,000. Alkali cried. Combined with the other money, the show raised over $2000, which made it the most generous event at the convention other than the charity auction. It was amazing. And as usual, the show ended with a charity story. It was the story of what REALLY happened on Draggor's birthday, when they all got insanely high. I won't go into detail, though; you need to attend the panel to hear the charity stories. >:D

Following that, I went over to the Foxes and Peppers after dark show. It was pretty funny, like usual. Pepper's guitar string broke mid-set, so he had to fix it WHILE performing. They auctioned off the last printing of one of Fox's CD's. And they performed "Lighthouse", in memory of the kids who were shot during the school shooting in Florida recently. Pepper put it best: "I want to forget the reason I wrote this song, but there keep being more and more reasons to perform it."

The show ran a little long, so I ended up being late to Libation Appreciation. For those who don't know, this event is all about sharing knowledge about alcohol. They talked about various different types of booze, how they like to enjoy them, and various recommendations for brands to try (apparently Nika distillery is good for Japanese whiskey). It was pretty informative. Then Fox and Pepper crashed the panel, and Pepper (who was drunk) started playing around with the giant Jenga set in the corner of the room. Still, good times. They kicked us out at 1AM and I went to bed.

Sunday

Got up at around 9 for breakfast (someone ended up taking our spots, so we had to talk to the wait staff and get new vouchers), and then Jake and I went over to main events for Keep Talking And Nobody Explodes. For those who don't know the video game: one person has a bomb in front of them, with a bunch of puzzles on it. The other person/team has a bomb manual, with instructions on how to solve the puzzles. However, neither can see each other's screens, so they have to talk and work together to defuse the bomb. It's a pretty fun, but stressful, game.

And they took it further at Fur Squared. Firr and Zen Fox were running the panel. They had one audience member at the bomb, and a team of other audience members with paper copies of the manual. While the bomb was being defused, Firr and Zen would do everything in their power to be distracting. They would scream and shout, sing, dance and stomp around, blare annoying music, and more. They even set up crazy "house rules" to make it even harder. One of the "experts" had to speak in a Russian accent. Another time, only one of them was allowed to speak. Another time, the audience had to use their phones to use the manual.

And then it was my turn. I got to be the defuser once (I lost), and it was hilarious. Firr and Zen were yelling and making the stage shake, and they were moving my microphone around. Another time, I was one of the experts, which was shortly after they had taken all of the paper manuals and threw the pages all over the place. We gathered up the papers as best we could, and were ready to start.

And then Harvard walked up to the bomb chair. Harvard is a silent fursuiter. We had to play "Keep Talking" with someone who didn't talk. To make matters worse, Firr and Zen decided to play "helping hands" with us, where they came up behind us and put their arms under ours, pretending to be "our arms." I distinctly remember receiving a nipple tweak from Firr. At any rate, we lost, even on the easiest difficulty. Harvard had the foresight to hilariously dive from her chair just as the bomb was about to explode. "She was the only one who thought to do that," said Firr.

Our next "victim" was Razzy, another fursuiter. Thankfully Razzy could talk. We still had a hard time deciphering what he was saying for some of the puzzles. This wasn't made easier by the fact that Zen Fox decided to lie down on top of all of the bomb manuals. I had to physically roll him out of the way (I thankfully didn't push him off the table). But we won!

For the last bomb, I think it was Zen in the hot seat, and Firr reading the manual. They misread one of the puzzles, but I think they ended up winning? I don't remember. Regardless, Firr does a really good job with the Keep Talking panel, so you should check it out next time you go to Fur Squared.

Following that event, Jake and I went down to the "Coming and GOHing" panel. SemJay, Zen Fox, Pandez, and Firr regaled us with stories about being the previous guests of honor at Fur Squared. They answered questions and shared their thoughts about unexpected things about being a GOH, what their proudest accomplishments were, and how they messed with Alkali's head. SemJay even took off her pants for charity (she was wearing underwear, don't worry).

This panel bled into the following panel, Firr's "Go Forth And Suck." It was a pep-talk panel, where Firr (and the other former GOH's) encouraged people to just go out there and try whatever they wanted to do. If you have an idea, just do it, and don't be ashamed of sucking. We all sucked at one point. And sucking is how you get good. It was because they all took risks and did stupid things, some of which just blew up in their faces, that they ended up where they are now. Pandez's story was particularly poignant; one of his first solo comedy sets was to a crowd of 12 people in a room made for 500. But he kept going, and he learned a lesson from his experience (tailor the room to the size of the event, and do smaller sets).

I was reminded of my panel at the previous year's Fur Squared. The one that only had 3 attendees. As of writing this, I never attempted to try again after that dismal failure (even though someone thanked me for my time). So, next con I go to, I am going to submit multiple panel ideas and see which ones I get. I will do my best, and I will have fun doing it, no matter what happens.

Sidenote: because one panel ended up bleeding into the other, the panelists decided to combine the two and call it "Coming and GOHing and Sucking." We laughed at that for a good 30 seconds.

After the panel, I went with Jake back to the room and we said our goodbyes. He unfortunately had a plane to catch. But I was happy to have been able to share so much of the con with him, whether it was sitting together at panels, or having in-depth conversations during meals. He told me he remembered fondly the time at AC when we just sat and talked for hours at the end of the con. I hope that we can do something like that again sometime.

Then I went to the charity auction. As usual, it was fun times. Lots of great stuff up for auction. I unfortunately didn't win anything. But honestly, it wasn't even about that. The Fur Squared charity auction is one of the highlights of the con, because people really get into it. Cheering, jokes, huge bids; the atmosphere was electric! There were items that went for over $1000 apiece. My roommate, Dezzi, actually ended up buying the creative rights to the Kalerati AND the Church of Adam at the auction. Alkali bought the signed super-sponsor poster, as a way to say Thank You for all the hard work done by Axikor and their team. A mask made by one of Alkali's Nero friends went for $1500. It was incredible.

Oh, and someone bought a collection of Victoria's Secret perfume and then sprayed it all over Alkali, Firr, and Pandez.

Charity auctions, the bar has been set by Fur Squared. Both in terms of money raised, and in terms of the experience.

After the auction, I quickly went back to my room to get into fursuit. I decided that this was going to be a tradition: I would always do "This Is How You Kill A Con" and closing ceremonies in-suit. So I did.

I met up with my friends Linn and Xeila at the panel, and had some snuggles (I know Linn had previously asked for fursuit snuggles, so I was making good on my promise). I gave Linn one of my sprouts. But the real fun was the panel itself. For those who haven't been: "This Is How You Kill A Con" is basically just a time-filler while the board of directors meets to go over the events of the con. As a result, they give Firr free reign to do pretty much whatever he wants. And he took full advantage of that.

Him and Zen (and I think Furry Bobs was there for a bit) just kind of did whatever for an hour and a half. We had a mini charity auction. Several things ended up being up for bid. First, a small sketch done by an artist in the audience at "Coming and GOHing and Sucking". Next, a small piece of string. I think there was something else (I hope they filmed the panel).

And then Huscoon showed up. The conversation turned to Culver's, again. Turns out, the Fur Squared Twitter account only follows one other account: Culver's. This gave Firr an idea. He would put up for auction the ability to send a single tweet from the Fur Squared Twitter account AND the ability to have the account follow any one other account (no unfollows). I think the winner tweeted out that he wanted to be the GOH for next year.

They also managed to convince Huscoon to auction off the ability for someone to post a tweet on HIS account. Yes, you read correctly. The famously conservative, controversy-starting Huscoon. The one for whom #BlameHuscoon was created. Turns out, Dixie was the one who won that tweet. I think she posted "I give my undying love to my sweetheart, Pepper Coyote" or something like that. Good times.

In the middle of the shenanigans, I made my way up to the front of the room and gave my last two sprouts to Firr and Zen. Firr clipped his to his hat (where it stayed for the rest of the con), and Zen clipped his to his beard. I was happy.

Finally (after ending the panel with a round of "Bohemian Rhapsody"), it was time for closing ceremonies. They began with a big Happy Birthday song for Draggor, and he was blown away. He was grinning from ear to ear, and he turned beet red from embarrassment. Turns out he's as big a sweetheart as Alkali is. The staff also brought up a present for him: a hoodie featuring the logo for Dragon's Milk beer.

I won't go into too much detail, as this panel was filmed. I'll just go over the highlights. Kataze had his traditional power point presentation, going over the numbers at the convention. This time he had graphs, and they were HILARIOUS. Final head count: 1101. Total sponsors and super-sponsors: 485. That's right. 45% of the convention chose to upgrade their badges. By contrast, I think AC had a similar number of upgraded badges, but had 7,500 attendees.

Someone brought in a whole cart full of Culver's custard. I didn't get any (as I was in suit) but they had enough for... a lot of people.

And then the waterworks. Alkali read off the totals for the charitable donations from each of the sources. And as he read, his became more and more misty-eyed. But it didn't stop there. I think there were at least 4 or 5 instances of people coming up and going "wait Alkali, I have more money." Including my roommate Gothy donating a LITERAL BRA AND PANTIES MADE OF MONEY, that was worth $69 on the dot. As usual, Firr went around and rounded things up.

The final charity total was $21,000. They beat their previous year's total by about $6,000. Which, as of this post, puts Fur Squared at #3 in the ranking of most generous furry conventions in the world (total donated divided by attendance).

To top it all off, Cy, one of the guests of honor, said that when she sells her house, she would donate 10% of the value of the house to the charity, which was estimated to be a donation of about $12,000.

Lastly, they announced stuff for next year. Vegas themed. Title: The Mouse Always Wins. I do hope that means that Miko is going to do something ridiculous.

They also announced the guests of honor. They doubled up on the artists of honor (I don't remember their names), but they also had a new "Gamemaster of honor" title, which they awarded to Iggy! I was ecstatic, cuz I had roomed with him the previous year, and consider him my friend. I was jumping up and down and clapping like mad. I think Iggy was pretty surprised.

After closing ceremonies wrapped up, Linn went back to my room with me, and I gave her the Christmas present that I had been meaning to get to her for the past 2 months: a board game called Pitch Deck (look it up, it's fantastic). She was so happy, because she's a huge board game nerd, and she immediately recognized the game when I pulled it out. We sat and talked for a while, catching up and talking about future convention plans. After a while, I told that I had to get cleaned up (I was still in my bodysuit), so we parted ways.

After cleaning up, I went over to the hotel restaurant for dinner. This was where things took a bit of a dip. I got to the restaurant, and sat down. I waited for the waitress to come bring me a menu, but she never did. I went over to the bar and sat down, looking over at the bartenders. They never acknowledged me. I sat there for a solid 15 minutes, and was never even noticed. It was stupid. Upset, I decided to give up and head over to the Adventure Time marathon. Thankfully they had pizza there, so I was able to eat my fill without having to spend money.

I discovered that night that I don't like Adventure Time. While it has some funny jokes, it's too full of existential dark humor and body horror for me to enjoy it. Plus, there were like 5 people watching the show. So instead, I decided to take a look around and see what people were doing.

It was then that I discovered the "dead dog karaoke" happening. Firr, being a DJ, had set up a karaoke machine in the main events room. People could give him a card with their requests on it, and he would call you up when it was your turn. It started out kind of slow, but as the night went on, it became increasingly more fun. And there were some AMAZING singers. Citrine Husky in particular did an incredible cover of "Don't Stop Believin'".

People were really getting into it. I ran into Gabi and Angel again, and we hung out for a bit before they ran off onto the dance floor. There were a surprising number of folks dancing. Then Zen Fox showed up and things got a bit more rowdy.

Highlights: closing ceremonies had a big confetti cannon, so people were having confetti fights. A lady in a big white fursuit, with padded digi legs, sat down on Zen in the middle of the floor. She then proceeded to poke Zen with a big "phallic" balloon. At another point, someone had a cardboard cutout of Jesus, and they were dancing around with it. Someone did Andrew W.K.'s "Party Hard" and Firr was backing it up unenthusiastically. One guy serenaded Gothy with R. Kelly's "Bump n' Grind." They did the Time Warp.

And I sang "Your Song" by Elton John. I was kind of afraid of the high notes, so I started out singing the song and octave lower than the original. This ended up sounding bad, so I switched over to the original register and just did my best. Turns out I was able to hit most of the high notes after all. I distinctly remember doing a silly dance during one of the breaks. Firr came up next to me and sang along. And I held out the last word longer than I expected (I looked at my "watch" in an effort to be funny).

I'm not saying all that to brag. I'm trying to remember what happened, because I don't think it was filmed. See, the main reason I write these journals is so that I can re-read them later down the road, and have a solid recollection of the events of the con. My memory isn't that good, and most cons become a blur after a while, so I try to capture everything as best I can.

Anyway, the night ended with another rendition of "Bohemian Rhapsody", which concluded right before the hotel staff kicked us out of the room. Apparently there were business travelers, and we needed to be quiet after midnight. I think they said they'd put the karaoke in another room next year so that it would be less disruptive.

Exhausted, I wandered back to the room with Gothy. We chatted briefly about furry stuff before heading to bed.

Monday

Got up at a reasonable hour and got breakfast with Gothy. We ran into Dezzi at the restaurant. We chatted for a bit, about his newfound "power" as the new owner of a cult and a religion. He's apparently planning on handing over the reigns at next year's charity auction if someone can match his bid.

After our breakfasts, we went back to the room and got packed. Gothy had the foresight to request a luggage cart, which made things WAY easier getting out. However, in her haste to get home, she forgot her slippers, so I had to run them out to her before she left (made it).

I packed my things, and with a little finagling, I was able to get all my stuff out to the car in one trip. After checking out, gassing up, and getting a coke, I put the pedal down and drove home, listening to #Hashtag and The Dragget Show on the way.

Overall

I love Fur Squared. It is a magical, unique, wonderful convention, a true diamond in the rough. Every year, they have new surprises. Every year, new memes, new jokes, new stories, new insanity. They keep donating more and more money, and creating bigger and grander schemes and shenanigans. Every con is special, but Fur Squared is... different. Its craziness, its generosity, its attention to detail, its loving and close-knit atmosphere, its relationship with its hotel and charity... many cons have some of these things, but it is the confluence of all of them that makes Fur Squared worthy of being called my favorite convention.

You should go.

[harshabennur]

Everest Base Camp - A noob's journey

Day 1:

I am sitting on the floor at the chaotic domestic airport at Kathmandu, Nepal. March 4th 2017 was the day I decided to trek to the Everest Base Camp. In hindsight, I have no clue why I decided to do this arduous activity. I am fortunate to have met Jamling Norgay (son of the great Tenzing Norgay) a few times. Jamling motivated me to do this trek when I last met him on March 4th.

Before I say anything further, its best you know that I havent done any form of writing (expect emails!) in a long long time. If memory serves right, the last time I wrote more than a paragraph was during my B school days. So, it will be ideal if you set low standards of writing from this blog!

Also, pardon me if I keep going back to events before I started this trek once in a while. I do not know how tough this trek is going to be, but the prelude to this trek has definitely been a real challenge (I am nursing an injured and severely abused lower back).

I had initially planned to do this trek alone. Maybe some sense prevailed later and here I am with my office buddy Manu, both embarking on something we don't know how well we are prepared for. We landed in Kathmandu yesterday around 3.30 pm. While the immigration is smooth, collecting your baggage is a looong wait. A short 15 minute drive brought us to our stay for the night - Hotel Thamel. A small and clean hotel, ideal for overnight stay. Our guide - Durga ji was waiting for us to complete our paperwork - permit, flight tickets to Lukla, coordinates of the guide at Lukla, his fees, etc. He also gave us 2 massive duffel bags to carry our luggage. Once done, we stepped out to get some essentials - local sim card with 10 GB data :), sleeping bags for rent, hiking sticks and a few knick-knacks.

Strongly recommend the food at Thamel House Restaurant (a short walk from our hotel). A sumptuous dinner and tasting authentic local cuisine - done. This part of the city doesnt seem very crowded. The locals seem very friendly and speak Hindi decently well.

Durga ji had given strict instructions that we could pack a maximum of 10 kilos each in our duffel bag which would be carried by our guide/porter. This turned out to be a serious challenge. Despite being extremely choosy about what we packed in our luggage, it was impossible to fit in all essentials within the given weight restriction. It took us a few visits to the hotel reception where the weighing scale was located and removing more gear (some really essential) to bring down the weight to 10 kilos. I am really worried about leaving out few critical peices of clothing - have left behind 2 warm tees, one thermal inner lining and a pair of hiking shorts. We ended up not carrying many other important things - the long range lens of my DSLR camera, the camera bag which now leaves the camera vulnerable to damages, sports shoes for post hike moving around, etc. Not to mention, we left behind most part of the chocolates, energy bars and snacks we were carrying to make our journey more bearable. This task left Manu and me really frustrated.

Before I continue, our flight has been delayed due to bad weather in Lukla. I had read about Lukla's unpredictable weather, but was hoping we would be lucky. The operator - Tara Air/Yeti Airlines says there is a possibility of cancelling all flights to Lukla today. Obviously, this is not great news, leaving us helpless. Praying to the weather gods to give us a half hour clear window to make it to Lukla today.

Update:

Unfortunately, our flight to Lukla got cancelled after multiple reschedules. The low hanging clouds at Lukla made it impossible for planes to land on the short landing strip. Frustrated, we left the departure zone back to the check-in counter and received tickets for next day flight departing at 12.30 pm. This wasn’t encouraging because the locals say that the best time to leave for Lukla is early morning, post which the place gets heavy cloud cover. We headed back to the hotel and checked in for another day. Manu decided to take a separate room not able to sleep owing to my snoring! (our guide had put us on twin sharing). 

With nothing much to do, we decided to take a stroll around the city. Unfortunately, the entire city was shut due to Dussehra festival and the place resembled a ghost town. Durga ji called us in the evening suggesting we take a helicopter to Lukla. This meant that our existing plane tickets would go waste. Manu and I pondered for a short while and decided to take the chopper. We didn’t want to risk losing another day because our return date to India was not flexible. We had to head out at 5.30 am for an early morning helicopter ride. Thankfully, we didn’t have any preparation to do since we were already packed and ready. Another Nepali cuisine dinner brought an end to the day. After having 3 meals of the local cuisine, I am convinced that their food is generally very pleasant, tasty, largely non spicy. 

Day 2:

We arrived at the airport by 6 am and Durga ji’s friend there whisked us past the long queues at entry, check in, etc and parked us at the office of a heli operator. After a short wait and some paperwork, we driven to a far corner of the airport where many helicopters were parked. Some more paperwork and few safety instructions, and we were taken to the chopper. Both of us were fairly excited since it was the first time for us in a helicopter. It was a great experience to get a bird’s eye view of the beautiful work of mother nature. Sitting next to the pilot, I got a crash course on how to fly a a helicopter. The pilot even allowed me to get a feel of the cyclic (the joystick which acts as the rudder). Good fun! We got a radio message saying Lukla had heavy cloud cover. We were forced to land little lower at Surke and after a wait for about half an hour, the clouds cleared enough for the heli to take us to Lukla. 

Our porter and guide - Phuri Sherpa was there to meet us. After pleasantries and a quick breakfast, we started on our trek from Lukla to our destination for the day - Phakding. The trek to Phakding is not the typical trek we expected. Phakding being at a lower elevation than Lukla, most of our trek was downhill. Barring few steep inclines, we kept going downhill most of our trek. Walking downhill is heavy on knees. Manu developed a small niggle in his left knee, hopefully he should be fine by tomorrow. The trek was extremely scenic with the river Dudh Koshi accompanying us all along. Couple of long steel bridges and buddhist temples make for some interesting sights. 

A 4 hour trek brought us to Phakding. Our guide recommended a guest house which overlooked the river. The rooms are tiny, basic but clean. We were tired after trudging along the rocky downhill path. 

Both of us decided to do some stretches to relax our muscles. I was particularly concerned about my back. The last 2 days before flying into Nepal were hectic owing to official travel and last minute packing. I had slept for a total of 4-5 hours over two days. While the rest of me was able to function fine, my lower back kept giving signals that it was tired. 

I should mention that I suffered from a slipped disc three years ago. This lower back injury brought most physical activities to a screeching halt. My motorcycle riding, weekend sports, gym, etc had to be put aside. While yoga, physiotherapy and adequate rest did improve the condition of my lower back for a while, I have been guilty of not being persistent in my efforts. From a guy who could squat 330 pounds to struggle to bend down to pick up a pencil, it has been a tough ride. To cut a long story short, it has been a miserable 3 years from a fitness point of view. People who have suffered from lower back injuries will know that the injury affects your mind as much as your body. 

Coming back, we walked around the village after another tasty Nepali lunch. It is a village of approximately 50 buildings, most of them being guest houses for trekkers like us. The people from Lukla onwards look very different from those in Kathmandu, People here resemble the Tibetians. The kids here are like extremely cute and are like mountain goats. You can see toddlers running on the rocky path faster than us. A siesta and bowl of garlic vegetable soup for supper brings our day to an early end. Manu is keen to have a long sleep and is not impressed with me going typity-type on my laptop. Will try to add few photos here and call it a night. 

[krnaturalphoto]

Running 2019 Pine Creek Challenge 100 Miler

This year has been the most challenging year of running for me yet. Not because I set big goals for myself, I mean yes because I set big goals for myself, but also because of other struggles. Going into this year, after running only two 50k’s I decided it was time to push myself farther and longer. First I decided that I would take on a 50 mil race. Later I decided that this would also be the year I took on a 100 mile race. This all before I even ran my 3rd official 50k. I didn’t even wait to see how a 50 mile race would feel before diving in head first into the 100 mile pool. I put it all on the table early on in the year.

It seemed so….. Simple? I would train like my previous year for my 50k in May. That 50k would be my longest training run for my 50 mile race about a month after. The 50 mile race would be my longest training run leading into my 100 mile race two months later. The 50 mile race would also give me some experience at a new distance so I would have an idea of what to expect through the half-way point of my 100 mile race and that seemed like important knowledge to have.

Then life happened and all the plans and “simplicity” melted away. Like many runners I got injured with what turned out to apparently be hip bursitis. I ended up injured before I even got to the point in my year where I would run my 50k. So I tried to rest and recover as best I could and went into my 50k feeling under trained and nervous if I would even be able to finish. Worlds End 50k was the most painful and grueling race I have suffered through to date. I was in so much pain I walked the last 10 miles and almost every step of those ten miles caused pain in my hip. But I finished. I learned that if I had to I could tough it out and endure the pain as long as needed to cross the finish line. Not what I wanted from that race but a valuable lesson that would pay dividends later.

I had a month to try to get right physically for my 50 mile race. I got as much treatment and rest as I could and maintain my fitness for my 50 mile race. Finger Lakes 50’s 50 miler did not go as well as Worlds End. I was not in as much pain from my hip but it was hampering me, slowing me down and probably causing me to expend unnecessary energy. In the end being out in the heat and humidity of a July summer day did me in. I couldn’t keep up with the time I needed to move on to the third and final loop of the 50 mile race. But I did finish a 50k. The heat punished me. I was dizzy and wobbly on my feet at times. Heat exhaustion was hitting me hard. Then the rains came and I bounced back allowing me to finish in a decent time and feeling ok instead of suffering through to the end. Even though I wasn’t able to finish the 50 miles and gain the experience of feeling what 50 miles felt like I learned that I could bounce back from a physical low and keep moving on.

Training between the 50 mile attempt and my 100 mile race was not ideal but it was better than I had gotten any time since April. I decided that in order to reduce the impact on my hip I would focus on making sure I got in my long runs and decrease all other mileage. I ran regular 3 mile runs during the week and then a long run on the weekends. I was able to get in more long ruins during this time frame than any time since April and it included two 20 mile runs in the same week which I feel like were crucial to my physical preparedness and my mental preparedness. I knew my hip was getting better. I thought it would probably be an issue but not cost me the race. I was actually becoming more concerned about my long standing right ankle pain that tends to flare up with long runs, which seemed to be getting worse.

As the week of the race approached I was getting more and more nervous about it. Would I really be able to do this thing? Anxiety and fear were closing in on me. Was my training good enough? Would I be prepared? Was a physically strong enough? Was I mentally strong enough? I took the whole week leading up to the race off from running. I focused entirely on recovery and being as healthy as I possibly could be going into the race. I included a massage from Soul Ease Massage to help ensure that my hips and legs were in as good shape as possible. I am not sure you can ever feel relaxed when you have a 100 mile race looming.

If there was one secret weapon I knew I had to get me through this race, it was my crew. I was going to have a great crew, of my wife and my friends, out there taking care of me at the race. They would not let me fail.

The night before the Pine Creek Challenge my wife and I met up with two of our friends to camp for the night at the race location. We hung out. We chatted. I tried to relax. One thing we talked about is what to do if things don’t go according to plan. I had planned for this race more than I had ever planned or prepared for any other race or maybe even event in my life. I was organized. I had everything labeled. I had times for when I hoped to be in and out of aid stations. I planned for the best case scenario, even though I knew that the race was unlikely to play out that way. I knew what I wanted to happen and what I had in mid as more reasonable though still quite lofty goal for a first 100 mile race. I wanted to finish in under 24 hours. I thought that I had a good chance at making that happen as long as the first half of the race went reasonably well. I knew that a sub 24 hour goal was very likely not going to happen but it was the goal and it was really hard to think about anything outside of that goal. But we talked about just thinking about what is going ot happen if plan A doesn’t work out and plan B doesn’t work out and so on and so on. What do you do? How do you proceed? I think it was good to go through that mental exercise to just think that there are so many different ways that this event could unfold, none of which could be anticipated maybe. This perhaps is where experience would be valuable. If you have done this before I think it is easier to have contingency plans or at east to know what to do to get you back on track.

I sometimes have trouble sleeping before a race, but not usually too bad. I am also not much of a dreamer while I sleep. Well the night before my first 100 mile race was going to be different. I slept OK until about 4 AM when I was awakened by a nightmare. In this nightmare I had a full blown panic attack and completely shut down and was curled up in the fetal position in the tent and could not even manage to put on my clothes for the race. So, that resulted in me staring at the ceiling of the tent for an hour before my alarm went off at 5 AM and I got up and started to get ready for the race. I was not as anxious getting up and getting ready for the day as I thought I would be. There were the normal pre-race jitters but not anything major. I managed to not forget anything significant before starting. It was surprising to me that for the 6 AM start I still was going to end up needing my headlamp as I set out. I was not expecting that. We got to the start line. I kissed my wife and hugged my friends and then I set off on an adventure.

The start was hard. Not physically hard but mentally hard. My strategy was to go out at a 12 minute per mile pace, running a mile then walking 1 minute, much slower than I would go at any other type of flat run. The first bunch of people pulled away from me. Then another group of people pulled away. Then more people caught up to me and passed me. I kept trying to go slow. Eventually I seemed to essentially be alone on the trail. As I was alone on the trail I struggled a bit to stay out of my head. I began to think about all the things that could go wrong during this journey. I had to tell myself out loud multiple times to get out of your head. As the sun rose I stopped to take some photos along the way and used my GoPro while running some. I saw an eagle fly low along a swampy area and land in a tree, so that was a nice way to start off the race. It was 5.6 miles to the first aid station and I tried to go as slow as I could, but when I arrived my crew reported to me that I was still 5 minutes ahead of my planned pace. It was nice to get that first section over and see my crew though. The course is a multi out and back course to complete the full 100 miles and I was already at the terminus of one end so it was time to turn around and run back the other way for along time.

My crew got me out of the aid station without wasted time and I headed back the way I came. I needed to go slower. I took the time to use my GoPro more and take other photos. Run slower, walk longer to slow my pace. I got back to the swampy area and saw a great blue heron and snapped a few photos. I saw a few people with their dog and a woman with her camera and she said this is one of her favorite places to come for photography, so I made a mental note of that. She wasn’t kidding though because that bald eagle was still up in its perch on the large tree in the swamp. I tried to capture a few more photos of it. I might be the only one able to tell there is an eagle in the photos though because it is so far away. Eventually, I started to see runners from the other races of different distances happening on the same trail coming towards me on the trail. That made things a little more interesting on this return trip. I eventually got back to the start line where the next aid station was. I got some fuel and some hydration. Then waited forever some non-runner who decided to occupy the portapotty at the aid station, despite all the others available for spectator use, so that I could finally pee. That was probably the biggest frustration of that sort for me the entire race though, so I will call that a win.

Next was a 3.4 mile jaunt to the next aid station. I arrived at the aid station felling pretty good. Still going at what felt like the right pace. On plan. My hip wasn’t giving me any serious problems. It felt tight and maybe a little uncomfortable but not painful. My ankle was a little sore but nothing major. My crew made sure I had what I needed and got me going through the aid station without wasting too much time which is the goal. The next section would start the portion of the trail that really went through the valley.

The next aid station was nearly 8 miles away but I wouldn’t see my crew again for 16 miles. This 16 miles between seeing my crew again is one of the places I struggled most mentally. I had done marathon to 50k distances 8 times over the last three years. I thought I knew what to expect from it. I thought that on a flat course going the relatively slow pace for me that I had planned to go and was sustaining that the first 30 miles would feel relatively easy or at least not too hard. Maybe that was just being naive especially considering how my training had went. But during this 16 miles to the next time I would see my crew I really felt like I was struggling mentally. I felt like I was going slower than I wanted to when I was running and that I was walking longer than I wanted to to rest after each mile of running. My legs felt tired and sluggish and sore already. I really began to think that maybe I had gotten in over my head. If I was already feeling like this and it hadn’t even been 30 miles yet, what on earth was the rest of the race going to feel like?

One things that was a cool uplift for me during this 16 miles alone was seeing something I had never seen before. As I ran down the trail eventually I came to this spot where I saw someone had scratched out in large letters in the gravel the world snake with an arrow pointing to the left. I was instantly curious. Was someone just fucking with runners or was there really a snake over there in the rocks along the side o the trail? I had never seen a rattle snake in the wild but I was well aware of all the reports of snakes along this trail and the potential to see one. So I walked over to the side of the trail cautiously and looked at the rocks. Sure enough there was a rather large snake with a baby toy attached to its tail slithering underneath some rocks. I called back to a runner I had recently passed and let him know that there was a snake over here so that he could be aware and take caution. I did not get close to the snake or even try to get a photo of the snake. Those who know me are probably surprised by this. It was cool to be out doing something entirely new to me and see something entirely new to me as well.

After being a bit down physically and mentally it was a great relief to finally see my crew waiting for me a the Blackwell aid station. The aid station is half a mile before the turn around so I ran out to the turn around first as I dropped off my pack for my crew to refill. My first pacer of the day accompanied out to the turn around and we talked about how the race was going. Then I came back to the aid station and ate some food and got some extra hydration. I also took some Tylenol for my hip and ankle and had some bio freeze applied to my ankle. The first 30 miles had been harder than I thought they would be. That much was clear.

My pacer would accompany me the next 26 miles. We headed out to start the next phase of this journey. At least for this trip through the valley I would have someone along for the ride. WE talked quite a bit through the first 8 miles or so. We talked a lot about nature. I think I complained about all my grievances. I am kinda surprised my pacer didn’t just run off ahead of me or at least stay far enough ahead or behind that they couldn’t hear me anymore. This section started off strong. We ran 3+ miles without stopping for a walk break. Which was OK at the time because I was feeling strong. I didn’t actually feel like I needed a break after every mile which is how I had been feeling during the previous 16 miles. This run of 26 miles with my first pacer went OK. Not as well as I had hopped, but not as bad as it could have after how I felt during the end of the first 30 miles. I could feel myself slowing down some eventually. At times running much slower than I would have liked and at times taking much longer walking breaks than I would have liked. I stopped at the aid stations for extra food and hydration along the way. I had more bio freeze applied to the painful areas which seemed to be getting a little worse with more time on my feet.

At one point early on during this 26 miles with my first pacer we saw a group of people gathered up blocking almost the entire trail and many of them were over along the edge of the trail near the rocks. As we approached I knew they were looking at or for a snake. They were so close. I told my friend to get his camera out because there was about to be a Kodak moment. I don’t wish people harm, but these people were being dumb and unsafe. They were way too close they were essentially standing in the rock pile and had their phones out trying to get photos. They very easily could have gotten bitten and who gets blamed for that, the snake. Those kind of things really get me riled up. As we passed by I could see that there was a more light colored rattle snake among the rocks. Then shortly thereafter I saw a large almost completely black rattle snake out in the open along the rocks. It was the first time I was able to see the entire body of a rattle snake. It was quite large. They are amazing creatures and I am thrilled to be able to share a trail with them and pay them the appropriate respect they deserve by keeping my distance. I may be one of the few people happy to see a rattle snake on the trail, but I was secretly hoping to see one during the race.

Eventually my pacer were arriving at the 50 mile turn around aid station. The people running this aid stations had it going right. There were lights along the trail lighting the way. There was a fire. The crowd there was cheering so loudly. It was really making me emotional. I was getting choked up at all the people there cheering and supporting the runners out here like me. It is truly a blessing to be part of a larger community of runners like this.

When we arrived I took more Tylenol at the mile 50 turn around aid station and got more bio freeze. I don’t really remember much about this aid station, because I was too overcome with emotion from all the support from my crew, which kept expanding as more and more of my friends showed up over the course of the day, and the people at running the aid station itself cheering and high fiving. I changed my shoes here because I thought half way through a 100 mile race would be a good time to put on shoes with more cushion. My crew got me in and out of this aid station in good time. At this aid station I was picking up a new pacer, my best friend was going to run the next 9 miles with me.

It was really nice to be able to run part of this race with my best friend. We haven’t been able to run together much since early in the year. She may be my friend but she had no sympathy for my foolishness of getting myself into this race. She was going to make sure I stuck to my plan of running and then walking. She was not going to let me take it easy. She pushed me to run as much as I could and then told me when it was time to rest. I think I almost begged for a little longer time to rest at one point. I think she allowed me 30 more seconds to walk. Talking and sharing miles despite the slave driving was nice. I think the sharing of miles with friends is something you can only understand if you are a runner. During our 5+ miles together my friend informed me that our other friend who had been injured for the last month or more and not running was feeling better and may be running with me from the next aid station.

I arrived at the next aid station and fueled up. Got what I needed and was ready to head out. Sure enough my friend was ready to run with me. We headed out for the next 3+ miles to the next aid station. This might be one of the few ways that deviating from your plan can be a good thing. It was so nice to be able to share miles with my two running friends whom I have shared more miles with than anyone. Picking up a new pacer, an unexpectedly new pacer can only be good when it is your friend who you know would have wanted to be your pacer anyway, but due to injury wasn’t able to plan for it. She had been cleared to run just the other day and wanted to share some miles with me on this journey and it doesn’t get much better than that. She was not quite as much a hard ass on this section. I ran as much as I could but I needed longer rests, or at least I took advantage of my friend to get longer rests.

I arrived at the mile 65 aid station feeling pretty good all things considered. I enjoyed running with my friend that I didn’t expect to be able to share any miles with. I was in good spirits. I was tired but doing OK. The plan was to resupply water and food in my pack, add a warmer layer of clothes as it was now getting dark and pick up my new pacer. Then it happened. It felt like someone just pulled the plug on me and the power went out. I went from feeling fine and ready to go to crashing hard. I started to feel light headed and then nauseous. I thought I might throw up. My crew tried to keep me standing and get me some food. Then I started to experience things I had never experienced. My arms started to go numb and get tingly. My mouth started to get tingly. I was losing control of my body. It was shutting down. I was losing it. My mouth got number and number. I couldn’t feel or move my mouth or tongue. My left hand curled up into a claw. My hand was clenched and I couldn’t move it. My crew mates were literally holding me up. They got me seated and just started to literally pour sugar into me. Cups of Coke went in. My crew literally holding cups to my inoperative mouth and pouring little bits in so I could swallow. It was like being a helpless child being fed by your family. I couldn’t even drink from the cup if they held it to my mouth they had to literally manage to pour it in my mouth so I could swallow. I don’t know if I literally thought about quitting, but if I was going to it would have been here in this moment. There is no way I could have made it through this without them. My chosen family, My wife and my friends. This is why they mean the world to me. They would not let me fail.

My wife told me later that she had to walk away because it was too hard for her to see me like that and she didn’t want me to see her upset. At one point I looked at my inoperative curled up left hand and said “It’s the claw” making a Friends joke that probably only my wife would get, but she said when she heard that she knew I was still in there and that I was going to be OK. I think that is also when I knew I was going to be OK too. I was able to keep my mind right even in this lowest moment of what felt like at the time there would be no coming back from. My crew kept working on me. Getting more calories in me, more Coke to drink. Then I could slowly feel it. My body started to respond. I started to get the feeling back in my arms and my hand. I could actually use my hand. At one point I was able to hold a cup and I thought drink on my own, but apparently my face was still numb and I just poured Coke down my face. But it was OK. I am pretty sure I laughed at that. Eventually as my body recovered my crew got me some warm clothes. I put on a light long sleeve shirt and a light jacket. I put on a pair of wind pants. I put on a dry hat and a buff to keep my ears warm. I eventually regrouped and headed out with a new pacer.

Just reflecting on this moment in time makes me emotional. This was one of the toughest moments I have ever endured and I owe it all to my crew for getting me thorough. Literally propped up on the shoulders of my friends. Fed and clothed by my friends. Taken care of by my family. I owe the next 35 miles to them. If I did not have them there my day would have ended at that aid station and I would never know anything else.

After arriving at the mile 65 aide station in such good shape, leaving that aid station was not the same. I felt like I was barely moving. I could move but just had no energy. The next 16 miles till I saw my crew was going to be a very slow walk in the dark. Thank god for pacers. I don’t know how people ran in the dark, alone and tired. Thankfully my pacers worked to keep me engaged. We talked about Star Wars. There was line dancing. I think the best I felt was when we actually listened to Christmas music, Straight No Chaser, I actually had the energy to sing along with the music. It really helped lift my spirits at a time where I was moving way slower than I had hoped to. I eventually just got exhausted during this 16 mile section. I don’t know if was the normal kind of exhaustion that one would expect or if I was suffering more because of my crash at mile 65. But, I was struggling to not just fall asleep while standing up. My eyes kept closing. I was essentially just staggering down the path. Often not in a straight line. I am pretty sure that if I were alone I would have fallen off the trail, into the ditch or into the water. Thank god for amazing friends willing to walk miles in the dark with you and play ping pong with your body bouncing you from one edge of the path to the other to keep you safe. I felt like I needed to be on a leash. I eventually hallucinated that there was a huge wagon wheel in the middle of the path. Then I saw or at least am pretty sure I actually saw my first every flying squirrel in the wild. I saw something fly across the trail from the trees on the right and land in a tree on the left then climb up the tree. Not a good look due to it being dark, but I could only imagine it was a flying squirrel or another hallucination. Another tough part about this 16 miles was that my feet began to hurt. I could tell I was getting blisters on my feet and that was not going to be good. I thought that the shoes I changed into had caused the problem. I decided that I was going to change back into the shoes that I started with at the mile 81 aid station when I saw my crew again. We also decided while walking that I was going to try and take a brief five to ten minute nap at the aid station because I was just staggering around so much that I was wasting too much time and energy and not making enough forward progress and I thought that if I could just close my eyes for a few minutes I would recover enough energy to make much more substantial progress in the next phase.

I got to the mile 81 aid station and began to do all the normal things. Refresh food and water. Change shoes. Reapply anti chafe. Then it hit me again. My body started to revolt for a second time. As I sat in a chair I got light headed and nauseous. I started to lose feeling again. Me team sprung into action immediately getting me what I needed. They started to load me up with Coke again. They responded to my needs immediately despite what had been a long and strenuous day for them as well. They were right there to take care of me and get me out of this funk. They pulled me out of it faster than last time and with less severe symptoms. Then while wrapped in a space blanket I tried to fall asleep. Somehow the exhaustion that was overcoming me on the trail would not grant me sleep that I felt I needed. I had expected that I would close my eyes and instantly pass out, but it didn’t happen. I don’t know if it was the shock of the crash and then recovery but now my eyes wouldn’t stay closed and I couldn’t slep. Finally, filled with frustration I stood up ready to set out on another 16 mile trek through the valley in the dark. I knew I would have a pacer for this section but I learned to my surprise that my best friend would accompany for this 16 mile section. She knew I was moving slow and had gone fewer miles than anyone else that could pace me at that point so she joined me.

I think it was reassuring, when I was so low, to have someone on the trail with me that I had shared a lot of miles with. Someone who knew me well and could keep me going. We started out on a slow pace. Shortly after we left we saw the only other runner that remained behind me. He needed to push to make the cut off time at the mile 81 aid station and we encouraged him as he went by. Not too long after we saw him this same runner who was struggling caught me from behind and passed me with a huge surge, he had gotten another wind and was moving well. I was now DFL. I could accept being DFL as long as I finished. For a while as we moved down the path I actually almost reveled in the idea of being DFL. Early on during this stretch I was moving slowly but I at least felt more awake than I had previously even though I didn’t sleep. I don’t remember much about those first half dozen miles. I know that we were a little concerned about making the cut off time at the mile 89 aid station so we tried to speed up and when we finally arrived there id din’t even stop. I just essentially walked on through.

At some point during this 16 mile stretch my pacer could tell I was feeling better and she started to encourage me to pick up the pace some. We eventually could see the person who had passed me to leave me in last place. My pacer was like, oooh we can catch him. She encouraged me to move faster. We added some more very slow running into the mix. Honestly I am not sure I even wanted to pass them. Something in my mind wanted to just stay in last. There seemed to be more honor in being DFL than to be second to last. Or maybe I was just afraid that I would over take him only to be passed again. Eventually the mix of running and walking allowed me to pass him. But then we ran out of water and despite being well hydrated I was too afraid to push it with still a while to go until the next aid station. There was at least 3 miles and I was afraid of another crash which I could not afford this late into the race. So we dropped back to a walk and stayed ahead of him although he gained on us. It always seemed like we were farther away from that last aid station than seemed possible. Seeing a sign post for 1.7 miles until the aid station area was almost soul crushing. My pacer was critical to getting me through this tough section She kept me entertained with singing and dancing to music she played from her phone. It was slow going and would have been easy to get demoralized but she kept me uplifted. We decided that at the last aid station I would drop off my pack and pick up a hand held for the last 3.4 miles. Dropping of my heavy pack at the last aid station was something that never occurred to me. This is one of the many reasons yo have pacers. They will think of things you will not.

We FINALLY arrived at the aid station. I dropped my pack and grabbed a hand held and a gel. FYI, I didn’t even have a hand held at the race, it was one of my previous pacers hand helds. Have I mentioned how awesome my crew was for me. As I stopped at the last aid station briefly and ate some food I was once again overtaken by the person we had passed earlier. I was back in last. But I headed out on that last 3.4 miles anyway.

My pacer insisted I was going to run this last 3.4 miles. I was not so sure. But she pushed me anyway. She somehow knew what I had left to give to this race. I don’t know how she knew, but she knew. I sure as hell didn’t know. So, guess what? I ran. It wasn’t fast and it wasn’t pretty but I averaged around a 13 minutes/mile over the last 4 miles. I hadn’t run a 13 minute mile since mile 35. I am not sure how this was possible. I ran and took walk breaks. Somehow feeling pretty good. Walking just enough to give me strength for another push. My pacer took charge. She told me when to run and she told me when I could walk. It was starting to get sunny and hot as the morning sun continued to rise in the sky so we tried to run through the shady areas and walk in the sunny places. I didn’t try to over think it. I just listened to my pacer and tried to do what she was encouraging me to do. She believed that I could do this and somehow I was doing it. My legs carried my better and felt stronger than they ha at any point over the last 30+ miles. I don’t know how it is possible. When I left the last aid station I was last. I quickly passed the guy who had passed me again to put me in last. Then as we ran down the trail we began to see other runners up ahead. My pacer told me we could catch them. I had my doubts. She encouraged me to keep moving. Run to that tree and then we will walk, she told me. Then run to that post and we can walk. This strategy was working. We caught and passed multiple runners. I passed 6 runners in the last 3.4 miles. I can’t even imagine that being possible at the end of a 100 mile journey especially considering how dead I felt just a shot time ago. The only person we saw that I did not catch was the person who turned out to be a pacer. But that guy looked like he was a runner. He kept looking back at us and then speeding up like he was trying to keep me from catching up to him, so my pacer was like lets catch him. So I chased someone down the trail who wasn’t even technically in the race. But I guess whatever keeps you motivated right. I got to the final turn off the trail and up the gravel road to the finish line and could not believe how good I felt. I heard my crew start cheering for me. My family was waiting for me. I started to run faster and a little faster. My wife was there waiting for me. I was so happy to see her. She started running with me. I ran as hard as I could. I basically sprinted through the finish line with my wife by my side. It was amazing to feel that alive and have that much juice left in my legs after such a long journey. The energy that my family was giving me was amazing. Having them there for me right up until the end was amazing. I crossed the finish line and hugged my wife so hard. I cried. I was just completely overcome with emotion. My whole crew came and congratulated me on finishing this journey. Hugs and handshakes all around. I am so thankful for the person who took the picture of me with my finisher awards and my crew by my side. That is a memory I will never forget.

from Running 2019 Pine Creek Challenge 100 Miler

[natasha-cole]

Ready Steady Part 3

Summary: The reader experiences her first day of a Supernatural convention. She spends more time with Rob. (Don’t worry, she’ll meet more of Rob’s friends later on!) Note: the lines that are italicized are meant to be text message exchanges.

Words: 4435

Pairing: eventual Rob x Reader

Warnings: None. Just sort of fluffy.

Catch up: Part 1, Part 2

*Unrelated GIF... I just like his face.*

You woke the next morning to your alarm. You groaned and reached for your phone. Ugh. 9:00 am. It was late in the morning, but truthfully, you could have slept longer. Normally, while on vacation, you wouldn’t set an alarm. But, the offer from Rob and Rich the night before to have you check out the convention was something you couldn’t pass up. You really wanted to know what the big deal was.

You sat up, taking in your surroundings, surprised that you didn’t feel hungover. You reached to the nightstand for the crumpled-up napkin that Rich had given to you last night, carefully unfolding it to read the message, half expecting it to be blank. After all, you had just met these men. They didn’t know you, and they could very easily have been messing with you. You felt relief when you saw the phone number scrawled across the napkin, the name ‘Rob Benedict’ greeting you just below it. You smiled to yourself, remembering the nice conversation you had had with him at the bar. You couldn’t help but recall those gorgeous eyes that you had been able to stare into a few times.

You opened a new text message, entering the number into the contact line. You wondered if he would even remember you or remember that his friend had given you his number. The three of you had spent the whole night drinking together, maybe he wouldn’t have any recollection of you. You hesitated for a moment before entering a message.

Y/N: “Hey Rob, it’s Y/N, the hot mess from the lobby. Wondering if the offer was still good for the convention.” You checked and double checked the message, not wanting to seem too forward. You sent the message after a few moments, suddenly really nervous.

Instead of waiting by the phone for a reply, you opted to jump in the shower and begin getting ready for your day. You showered quickly, and when you exited the bathroom, you couldn’t help but check your phone.

There was a reply from Rob. You felt the butterflies again as you realized that he had actually replied to you.

Rob: “Hey! Of course the offer still stands. Come down to registration around 10 to get checked in. I already gave them your name and there’s a pass waiting there for you.”

You smiled to yourself, realizing that he not only remembered you, but he already assumed you were going to show up.

Y/N: “Thanks! See you soon.”

Rob: “I’ll be really busy, you know, working. But I’ll see you around. Enjoy the convention!”

Realizing that it was already 9:30, you dressed quickly and went to work on your hair and makeup. When you were done, you grabbed your bag and your room key, glancing around the room to make sure you hadn’t forgotten anything. When you decided you had everything you needed, you inhaled deeply closing the door and making your way to the convention area.

The convention area was busy. All around you, there were women; young and old… occasionally a man and sometimes young children. People of all ages. You glanced around, searching for the registration desk. When you finally spotted it, you made your way over, getting in line behind two younger girls who were talking excitedly to each other. They were going on and on about some dudes named Jared and Jensen. You laughed to yourself, sort of intrigued at the excited energy of everyone surrounding you. the line moved and you found yourself standing in front of a woman in a Volunteer shirt.

“Do you have your PDF’s?” she asked.

“Uh, no,” you said, “my friend said he was leaving a pass here for me.”

“Name?” You gave the woman your name and she studied her clipboard for a moment, until she glanced up at you with an amused look on her face. “Hmm… do you have some ID?”

“Sure,” you fumbled through your purse until you found your wallet, retrieving your ID and handing it to her. She eyed if for a moment and returned it to you.

“You know, it’s not every day that Rob personally leaves a pass here for someone.” She was digging through a box of lanyards until she found what she was looking for. “Oh, look at that, he even got you Gold, really good seat too…”

“What does that mean?” you asked, “I-I’ve never been to one of these things.”

The woman smiled and handed you the lanyard. “This up here,” she said pointing at the pass, “shows you your row and your seat number. The chairs are all labeled in the room, you just gotta find your seat and it’s yours all weekend.” She handed you a booklet next, “this is the program. It’s just the schedule of all of the events and panels. Nothing starts until around 11. But the theater opens soon.”

You thanked her, moving away from the desk, stopping in the middle of the hallway to place the pass around your neck. You felt a bit overwhelmed at the business of it all. You checked your pass, Row B; Seat 32. Not really knowing where you were supposed to go, you figured you’d just go where everyone else was going. You followed a crowd of people into one of the convention rooms, pausing at the entrance that led into a large room filled with seats that were slowly being filled. There was a stage at the back of the room, band equipment set up and microphones lining the front. You made your way to the row you were supposed to be at, impressed that Rob had gotten you so close to the stage. When you found your seat, you realized that you were really close, almost right in the middle. You sat nervously, taking it all in. You opened the program, deciding that it would be good to familiarize yourself with the schedule. You took mental notes at the times when you saw Rob’s name throughout the day. Apparently, Rob and Rich were on stage quite a bit throughout the day. You didn’t recognize any of the names of other actors doing panels for the day, but you decided to sit through it anyway, at least for the day. There were lots of photo ops and autographs listed, and you wondered what you would do with all that time in between these events.

You glanced at your phone to check the time. It was almost 11. You recalled that the schedule listed and actor doing a panel around that time and just before the panel, Rob and Rich would be on stage to do a “Welcome” for the day. You sat back in your chair, people quickly filling in most of the seats around you. you felt really out of place with all of these people who were clearly excited to be here. You were not a fan, maybe you could be, but you had never even watched the show.

Just as you were getting lost in thought, you noticed three men begin to take the stage. You straightened up, scanning the stage for Rob. You sort of scolded yourself at that. There was no reason you should be excited to see the man, and you weren’t sure what it was that made you want to immediately look for him in the crowd. You noticed that none of the men were in fact, Rob. They made their way to the instruments at the side of the stage; one taking his place behind the drums, another grabbing a guitar, and the last one picking up a bass guitar. You smiled to yourself realizing that this was Rob’s band, the one that he had been so excited to talk about with you. They did a bit of sound check quickly before moving right into a song that you didn’t recognize. Before you knew it, there he was… Rob had joined the band on stage, grabbing his guitar, and taking his place at the microphone.

The band played and you were beginning to kick yourself a little bit for not having listened to any of their music this morning when you had the chance. You didn’t know the song, but you enjoyed it. Your eyes didn’t leave Rob for a second. He seemed pretty confident up there, and listening to his voice brought a huge smile to your face. Damn! He was really good!

When the song ended, the band was joined by Rich. He immediately went into some long monologue about “Friday People” and how awesome they were. The crowd cheering loudly. He and Rob exchanged some lines, telling jokes, and generally being sort of inappropriate in their banter. You looked around at all of the happy fans, laughing hard at all of their jokes. This must be something they do, not out of the ordinary.

And so it went… Rob and Rich eventually welcomed another actor to the stage and they and the band exited. You sat through the panel, feeling a bit bored, as you didn’t know who he was or what anyone was talking about.

When the panel ended almost an hour later, you were starving. You looked at the program again, realizing that you had a couple of hours to spare. Most of the next two hours looked to be filled with photo-ops, meet and greets, and autographs. Of course, none of that really interested you. So you decided to wander and take in more of the convention.

As you grabbed your purse, you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket. You quickly retrieved it; smiling when you noticed a text message from Rob.

Rob: “Are you around?”

Y/N: “Yes, I was sitting pretty darn close through the whole thing.”

Rob: “Oh, yeah. Perks of being on the show. I get my friends great seats.”

It felt nice, Rob referring to you as his friend. God knows you could really use a friend at this time.

Y/N: “That was fun, your band is really good.”

Rob: “Thanks, the daytime stuff is okay. Saturday night is the one you really don’t want to miss.”

Rob: “Are you busy?”

Y/N: “Nope. Just trying to decide what to do with my free 2 hours.”

Rob: “Meet me in the vendor room. The band is doing some autographs.”

Y/N: “Sure.”

You pocketed your phone, feeling that familiar flip of your stomach that you keep getting from this man. What was that anyway? He was just a good-looking man who happened to be really nice to you. You only knew that you genuinely enjoyed his company and you liked talking to him. You hardly knew him, so you told yourself that the weird feelings were simply from the fact that he was cute, and it had been a long time since a cute man had shown you any interest.

You made your way from the theater, glancing around the hallway once you exited. This place was busy. There were people lined up along walls outside of rooms that you didn’t know what they were used for. You just knew you needed to find the vendor room. Instead of attempting the hunt on your own, you approached a man in a Volunteer shirt and asked for directions. He pointed you down another hallway, “straight down, you’ll see the doors on your right.” You thanked him and began to walk. The closer you got to the vendor room, the more anxious you felt.

You walked into the packed space and began to wander. There were tables and booths everywhere, filling the entire room. Tables filled with t-shirts, jewelry, strange looking weapon replicas, artwork, books, and photos of who you assumed were actors from the show. You strolled through casually until you noticed some tables near the wall where, sure enough, Rob was sitting with the band. You made your way over and noticed a rather long line at the table. People waited anxiously as the front of the line moved steadily. Fans handed each of the band members items for them to autograph and the men chatted politely with them. It was hard to see from where you were, so you moved closer until you could get a better view of Rob. You melted at that smile that he kept across his face as he greeted the fans.

You caught yourself staring and forced yourself to look away for a moment. “Don’t do this,” you thought to yourself. “It is way too soon to develop a crush on someone new, especially on a man you only met yesterday.” You waited in the same spot for some time, feeling out of place as the line shortened. Glancing back to Rob, he looked up at the same moment. His smile widened when he spotted you. he waved enthusiastically and you wave back as he held up a finger, signaling you to wait a minute.

When the last of the fans were gone, the men stood up, and you saw some volunteers begin to usher them away from the tables. Rob waved for you to come join him, and you made your way over to him as they all began to walk from the room.

“Hey! How are you!” He greeted you, placing his hand on your shoulder.

“I-I’m good. Kinda tired from standing over there for so long.” You said, motioning to the area where you had been waiting.

Rob frowned, “Oh… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you wait.” He rubbed his hand on the back of his neck.

“I didn’t mean it like that. I didn’t have to wait. I just… I just wanted to I guess.” You assured him.

“Well, thanks for waiting. Sorry that took so long.”

“Yeah, you guys have quite the following, huh?”

“Well, around the conventions, we do.” He laughed.

“You guys were really good today. Your band, I mean.”

“So, the rest was kinda boring?” He scrunched up his face a bit.

“No! Not at all!” you assured him, feeling bad that you might have insulted him. “You and Rich… you two are something else.”

He laughed again, “Oh, yeah. I probably should have warned you that it’s sometimes a tad racy up there.”

“You two are funny. You should probably have your own comedy show,” you joked, gently elbowing him.

Rob looked at you amused. “Well, actually…” he trailed off.

You raised an eye to Rob, “so you’re telling me that you also have another show?”

“Yeah, just something we’ve done one season of. Nothing fancy.”

God, was there anything that this man couldn’t do?

“Where are we walking to?” you asked when you noticed that you were still walking alongside the band and their handlers.

“We’re just headed to the greenroom for some downtime. You’re welcome to join us if you’d like.”

You were a little unsure. You didn’t know why Rob was being so kind to you, and you certainly didn’t understand why he was so keen to involve you in the goings on of this convention that he knew you had no knowledge of. Instead of making up an excuse to leave, you nodded and continued to follow him.

Once inside the “greenroom”, you noticed that it was actually just another convention room. A large space lined with tables, a few people hanging out. You stood in one spot awkwardly, not knowing what to do.

“This is the greenroom,” Rob gestured dramatically to the space. You looked around again, nodding in approval.

“And, hey! This is the band. Let me introduce you.” Rob proceeded to introduce you to Billy, Mike, and Stephen. You shook each of their hands as Rob introduced you as well, “band, this is my new friend, Y/N.”

“Oh yeah, you’re the girl from the lobby yesterday,” said Billy.

You felt your face flush again, knowing how all of these men knew you. “Yeah, yeah… the hot mess from the lobby,” you joked throwing your hands up.

Billy looked embarrassed, “No! I wasn’t gonna say that!”

Just then, you felt hands clasp against the back of your shoulders. You let out a startled yelp as a voice came from behind you, “hey! That’s my line Billy!”

You turned, feeling a bit relieved when you saw Rich standing there. He let one of his hands linger on your shoulder as he continued talking, “and just for the record, she admits she was a mess at the time, but when I saw her again last night she was looking pretty damn good.” He glanced at you and winked.

The other men gave looks, which you could only interpret as them being impressed by this revelation. You covered your face in embarrassment, about to speak out against the notion, when Rob came to your defense.

“You mean, when WE,” he said, motioning between him and Rich,” had drinks with her at the bar?”

“Oh yeah, you were there, weren’t you?” Rich smirked.

Rob rolled his eyes, reaching for your hand, which you gladly took. As he led you away from Rich, Rich pouted, “you can’t keep our new friend all to yourself, you know!” he shouted after Rob.

Rob led you over to one of the tables that was set up with snacks and drinks, “would you like something?”

“Oh, sure. I’ll take a water,” Rob handed you a bottled water, which you drank nervously.

“Sorry about Rich. He’s a nice guy, maybe a little too nice.”

You shook your head, “no, it’s fine. I’m just not really used to that type of attention I guess.”

“Well get used to it, once he finds someone to flirt with, it doesn’t end.” You couldn’t help but feel a bit amused by Rob’s statement. Not the fact that Rich would continue to flirt with you, but the fact that Rob had told you to get used to it. In your mind, that meant that you might be hanging out with these guys more.

The two of you walked over to a couch, Rob gesturing for you to sit. You did so and he sat next to you. You both sat for a moment, not talking. Your mind began to race with thoughts of what THIS was. Why was this man going out of his way to see you? You were nothing special, just a ditz who left guitars lying around hotel lobbies for strangers to find. Why hadn’t he just returned the guitar, accepted your thanks, and moved along with his weekend?

Rob broke the awkward silence after a couple of minutes, “you gonna stick around for the rest of the day?” he asked.

“Uh, I don’t know,” you replied honestly, “it was fun, but I’m really lost on the whole thing. I don’t know what anyone is talking about up there, and I’ve never even heard your band before…” you began to ramble on.

Rob placed a reassuring hand on your knee, “it’s fine,” he smiled, “I get it, it’s not your thing.”

“I just- I just feel bad. You went out of your way to get me a pass.”

“Well, I feel pretty bad too,” Rob said, “I mean, I barely know you and I talked you into coming to this convention for something that you don’t even had any knowledge of. I mean, you’re on vacation, right?”

You nodded, suddenly remembering that it was supposed to be your vacation. In fact, it was supposed to be a solo vacation in which you meant to focus on writing songs and visiting some of the sights around Nashville. The whole point was to take the week to get the thoughts of Chris out of your head, to figure out a way to fix whatever it was that was broken in you. You didn’t know any other way of getting these feelings out apart from writing songs, but you had found yourself thinking less about Chris the more that you hung out with Rob.

“Oh jeez,” Rob sighed, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to pull you away from whatever you were doing here.”

“Well, if it makes you feel any better, it’s not your fault Rob,” you felt bad again knowing that he was feeling bad. “It was actually your friend Rich who invited me.”

“I guess you’re right,” Rob laughed.

“I really don’t mind hanging out at this thing,” you promised, “it’s kind of confusing to me, but I’ve honestly been enjoying it.”

“I don’t expect you to do that,” you noticed that Rob had only just then removed his hand from your knee. He picked up his water bottle and began nervously picking at the label, a motion that you had noticed him do last night at the bar. He looked back up at you after a moment. “Look, if anything else, I think it’d be really cool if you came to karaoke tonight.”

You looked at him bemused, “Wait, there’s karaoke at this thing?”

“Y-yeah, we dress up like idiots and get on stage with fans and sing karaoke.” You couldn’t help but giggle a bit. It was actually really sweet. You didn’t know many actors, but it sounded like these guys really put in an effort when it came to entertaining and connecting with their fans. Rob looked at you, eagerly awaiting your answer.

“I’ll think about it. Maybe as long as you don’t make me sing!” you pointed a finger at him.

Rob put his hands up, “no, no… I’m not gonna make you do that. Although, you’d probably be pretty good at it.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Well, you own a guitar… and you’re from Nashville, right?” he questioned.

“And?”

“I just assumed that you’re probably a singer too.”

You found yourself leaning in a bit closer to him, “I might write songs. Songs that I sing in the privacy of my own home.”

He lit up at that, “I write the songs for my band as well.”

“Of course you do,” you really weren’t surprised by his statement. In fact, by this point, anything that you learned about Rob no longer surprised you. Obviously, he was talented. He seemed to have a lot going on. “Actor, comedian, singer, songwriter, guitarist…” you listed of his impressive resume out loud, “is there anything you can’t do?” Rob cleared his throat nervously, taking a drink of his water.

“I’ve been told that I’m really bad at flirting,” he said quietly.

“What?” you asked, feeling your stomach flip.

“I-In general I mean. Everyone… Rich mostly, tells me that I’m bad at flirting. Not that I’m flirting. I just- I just meant in general… that’s something I’m not good at.” He was getting flustered, and you had to admit, he was really cute when he was flustered. You had to wonder if this was a general statement, or if he had actually been trying to flirt with you this whole time. You told yourself not to get too excited over the possibility of Rob flirting with you. This was probably just an awkward confession that didn’t really fit into the conversation. He seemed like a slightly awkward guy to begin with. He often went from being a talkative and friendly man to stuttering mess rather quickly.

He was picking at the label on the water bottle again, his cheeks red from embarrassment.

“Well, I will tell you this,” you said, “if you ever want to get better at flirting, don’t take too many tips from your friend, Rich.” He looked up at you and smiled.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he said.

You suddenly felt that this was your cue to leave. The conversation had been nice again, but you really didn’t feel that you belonged here.

“I think I’m gonna head out, is that okay?”

Rob gave you a nod, “it’s fine, go enjoy your vacation.”

He stood up as you did. You felt flattered by the gesture. Men nowadays just didn’t have those old southern manners anymore. He walked with you to the door and you stopped to face him. “I really did have a good time.”

“Good, I still hope you’ll think about karaoke tonight.” He brought his hand up and tapped the badge on your lanyard. “This will get you into karaoke… and the concert tomorrow night if you’re still interested.”

“I think… I will say yes to the concert, and I’ll think about karaoke.” Rob’s hand lingered on the badge as he looked up at you. You stared into his eyes for a moment, feeling sort of lost. A part of you really liked this guy, but you couldn’t push away the nagging feeling of all of this being too much for you right now. You wanted to stay. You wanted to spend more time with him. Hell, you sort of wanted to stay through the whole convention, sitting in that chair, listening to the discussions that you didn’t understand; just so that you might continue to catch glimpses of Rob throughout the day. That was the part that scared you. You had no problem with making new friends, and Rob seemed like he could be a great friend. But, some of the feelings you had every time you’d see him really freaked you out. Maybe it’s better if you just checked out the concert; you know, since you were a music lover and all; and take a pass on spending too much time bothering the man.

“Okay, I’ll accept that.” He said, finally letting go of the lanyard around your neck.

You thanked him again and turned to walk out the door. You thought about the last two times you had to walk away from this man. The moment in the lobby and last night when you left the bar. Even as you turned your back to him, he called out to you both times, reminding you that he would see you around. You left this time, a part of you waiting for that moment to come. You hoped that he might call out to you again as you left, saying that he’d see you later. Something about it felt right. You had gotten pretty far down the busy hallway, lost in your thoughts, when you stopped to turn around… just to see. You frowned a bit when you realized that he hadn’t followed you out of the room. He wasn’t going to remind you that he’d see you again.

Feeling a bit defeated, you turned and continued walking away from the chaos of the convention. You had no big plans. Right now, you really just needed to get to your guitar.

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[genehackmon]

Tamersona Week 2017 Day 4: A Hero’s Uniform

I am so behind on Tamersona that the official week is already over, but I don’t care! This is too much fun. Sorry to have kept everyone who’s been following Jules and Buns’ story waiting... this one took much longer because I was traveling over the weekend AND of course I had to read up on everyone’s Tamersonas to be included in the post! 

In the spirit of the Share The Love Tamersona Day 7, shout out to @elecmon, @tortamon, @lighdramons, @knifeoframens, @metalphantomon, @beelko and @tangy-sweetlove!! I hope y’all enjoy meeting Jules and Buns!! :)

Also, shout out to @partiallyaquatic, @icewolf741, @1ggyness, @ladykiradevimon, @gaomon, @nekoharuko, @zenchoi, @thepastyman, @mametyramon, and the whole Tamersona community because I definitely missed some of y’all and I loved reading (and still reading!) all of your OC’s!!

Ok, without further ado, here’s the next chapter in Jules and Buns’ wacky adventure!!

Prompt 4: A Hero’s Uniform (Feb 18th 2017)

Jules woke up with every limb and joint shooting with soreness.

”Ugh,” he groaned, as he righted himself up from the fold-out bed in a plaster-white waiting room. He had underestimated how exhausted he was from the night before - being tossed around and dropped into choppy seawater from ridiculous heights was not how he expected to spend a Wednesday evening - not to mention how mental everything was with meeting Michael and Buns digivolving for the first time.

He peeled his eyes open and looked up at the clock. 10:30am. He overslept. As disappointed as he was with himself, he wasn’t surprised; the long drive down with Michael and Himekawa was draining. After leaving the city so late last night, the three of them didn’t arrive at the meeting site until 4:00am.

Suddenly he felt his face pressed back into his pillow, “Wakey wakey sunshine!” teased Buns as his little feet bounced up and down the back of his head.

“Ugh, Buns - cut it out!” Jules groaned.

“Oh, someone’s grumpy this morning!” Buns giggled.

Jules ignored him and sat up. His shirt was completely wrinkled. “Enough already, didn’t Michael say everyone was meeting in the next room? We gotta get moving.” He tried patting down his shirt and straightening his collar. No use, still a mess. He combed through his hair quickly with his hands. All knots.

Jules walked quickly into the meeting room adjacent to the waiting room he had slept in. It was quite a decorative, official space, with plaques of key scientists and innovators, pictures of significant moments of technology history, and large display monitors strewn across the walls. The Computer History Museum in Mountain View didn’t spare for flare.

“Ah, look who’s finally up!” Michael greeted Jules cheerfully as he saw him stumble in with Buns on his shoulder.

“S-sorry I’m late,” Jules announced.

“That’s quite alright,” Himekawa answered, standing at the end of a long, broad table at the far side of the room. “The others haven’t arrived for long, and have been spending some time getting to know each other,” she continued in her thick foreign-but-official-accent.

Jules glanced a slight eye at Himekawa - there was nothing he liked about that pretentious woman. He looked around, and there were quite a few people all gathered around, all chatting with each other before he and Buns had walked in, and were now staring at him. What’s more, each person had another pair of eyes with them that stared - they all had Digimon!

“Wow…” Jules didn’t know what to say. Buns was taken aback as well - the little bunny hadn’t seen so many of his kind in one place since, well, as long as he could remember.

A girl with dark hair tied in a ponytail broke the silence, “Hey there, do you work for Himekawa?” she asked politely.

“Wha- what?” Jules answered frantically, “No way - why would you - “ he looked down at his own clothes. Button-down dress shirt and khakis. He looked around the room. Everyone was dressed way less formal than him, save Himekawa. “Ah, figures.” he thought. “No, uh, no I don’t. I’m new here.” He replied.

“Yeah he just looks like a dweeb all the time,” Buns added.

Everyone chuckled and Jules blushed profusely. He noticed that aside from Himekawa and Michael, everyone gave off a noticeably younger vibe than him. He felt like he had just stepped back into college or high school. Or maybe it was just he was so hopelessly out of fashion that he felt out of place.

“Ah, gotcha. The more the merrier!” said the dark-haired girl. She approached Jules and extended her hand, “My name is Liz, nice to meet you!” A small ball of flame slowly peeked out from behind Liz’s back; it had a soft glow and shy face, “And this is Minnie!”

“Oh, uh - hi. Jules. Nice to meet you. This is Buns,” Jules shook her hand, immediately feeling like his reply was stuffy. He noticed her outfit. Long-sleeved, weather-proof teal shirt; blue shawl; brown hiking boots; utility backpack with blankets and first-aid kit; this girl was prepared. “Uh, wow… you’re dressed like a… real hero.”

Michael chuckled from the back of the room near Himekawa, “Jules is the guy I was telling you guys about earlier! Him and Buns there were the first on site during last night’s emergence!”

Murmurs and commotion went throughout the room. Jules didn’t know how to respond - he was always uncomfortable in front of crowds, the only time he could be articulate was when he prepared for hours the day before a board meeting presentation at work.

Liz gave Jules a chummy pat on the back and brushed Bun’s ear. “Nice job, you two!” she said reassuringly. Buns puffed a smile full of content and climbed from Jules’ shoulder to his head in triumph.

Another girl on the other side of the room with glasses gave an approving nod. She was wearing plaid and had a large red dinosaur with intense yellow eyes next to her. In a corner, a kid that looked around college-age in a beanie giggled with a floating, tapir-looking creature.

Next to them, was a brunette girl with an orange, striped, cat-like creature perched on her shoulder. She wore a black tank top, blue arm band, and orange gloves. She took her turn at introductions, “Sounds like you two are quite a team! I’m Kana, and this is Toramon.”

A taller-looking person with blonde hair, a dark cape, studded belt, and ripped black jeans stood up from the corner of the room with an impish-looking purple creature and gave an edgy smirk. In the same corner, a girl in a vintage 1990’s Jim Lee X-Men tee shirt and a purple skirt looked on in silence, accompanied by a sheet ghost with an oversized witch hat.

Jules reached back to nervously scratch his head, only to accidentally hit Buns on his. He was trying to cope with being the focus of attention in the room. “Uh… um… thanks y’all… I guess… ha,” he replied. “Say, uh… this might sound weird, but, uh, how old are y’all?”

“Huh?” Liz was surprised by the question, “I dunno, I thought we’re all about the same? I’m 22, for what it’s worth.”

“Oh,” Jules felt slightly more comfortable, “Okay, y’all all look really young, so, uh, I just didn’t know… you know? I mean, I felt old.”

“Ha! Relax my man! Are you scared of college kids or somethin’?” laughed Michael.

“Jules is scared of his own shadow if you don’t tell him it’s gonna be there beforehand,” jabbed Buns, always ready to get one in.

“Man, you’re a firecracker, Buns!” Michael and the others in the room laughed along, “Hey man, I’m 25 here, don’t make me feel like a fossil.”

“No that’s not what I meant - I’m 24.” Jules quickly replied with an apologetic tone, “Anyway,” he turned to Himekawa, suddenly firm and determined, “I asked because I want to know - why the hell do you have a bunch of kids gathered here, lady?”

Himekawa sighed and smiled. She closed her eyes for a moment, then looked straight at Jules, unwavering. “I suppose I owe everyone here an explanation,” she started. She began her long briefing in her distinct serious, foreign tone.

“My name is Himekawa Maki. What all of you need to know is that I am part of an international agency responsible for the monitoring and resolution of digital anomalies. It is our duty to prevent and deter cyber threats of any manner of manifestation, and we operate independently from political boundaries towards this cause.”

“Woah, that’s a lot of gibberish there,” commented Liz.

Himekawa ignored the remark and continued, “To put it simply, I’ve gathered all of you here to inform you of your current situation and to ensure your safety.”

Jules scoffed, “Our safety?! What exactly do you think is our situation?!” He looked at Michael, “Michael, did I not tell you the whole story in the car?” He turned back to Himekawa, “I trust Michael, but you, I still think you’re up to something fishy!” he accused.

“Mr. Yue, if you are referring to the emergence incident last evening in San Francisco, that is part of the reason I have brought all of you here today,” Himekawa responded.

“So you’re saying… what happened to Jules here, and the Blossomon that Minnie and I encountered, these things are connected?” Liz asked.

“Precisely. The frequency of digital anomalies is something that is unprecedented since the Demiurge Incident of ‘06. I believe you are familiar with the event?”

“The… Demiurge Incident?” Jules repeated in confusion.

“Okay, lady, you really lost me now,” said Liz. All eyes around the room looked towards each other for some kind of confirmation. No one had a clue. Liz glanced at Michael, who was patiently waiting for Himekawa to explain.

“Interesting that no one here admits to the rumors they’ve heard on the internet,” observed Himekawa, “considering that I found all of you through your forum browsing history.”

“You what?!” Liz was shocked.

“Please hold a moment,” Himekawa held a hand up calmly, “The Demiurge Incident is the designation used to refer to the string of digital resurgences in Tokyo, Japan that occurred six years after the viral digital anomaly broadcast of 2000. I’m sure some of you have seen the term “Demiurge” used in online communities that expound on theories regarding entities known as ‘Digimon.’ We believe that the emergences this time are similar to the events of 2006. However, there is one major difference.” Himekawa paused.

“Uh, okay… what?!” prodded Jules, frustrated with Himekawa’s complicated explanations.

“We believe that the current emergences are synthetically triggered. Our intel has led us to match several distortions of the digital plane coming from IP addresses of a linked server during the same time as the most recent emergences. Digital anomalies have consistently appeared in many locations where our agents are stationed around the world. We believe that a highly sophisticated cyber sleuth has compromised the system and is carrying out a vendetta against our organization.”

“Hold on… let me get this straight,” Jules rubbed the bridge of his nose, “You’re telling me, some super hacker is messing up the apparently world-class act that you’ve got going on, and your solution is to bring us all here to, what? Keep us safe?! Aren’t you making things more dangerous by having everyone be a sitting duck around you?!”

“The opposite actually,” Himekawa replied matter-of-fact-ly.

Michael sighed and propped himself up on a desk, leaning his back on the wall and kicked back his feet. He knew the twist.

“You see,” Himekawa continued, “our organization has been keeping an eye on each of you for a long period of time, to ensure that these anomalies you call Digimon that you spend time with do not pose a threat to public safety.” Himekawa glanced at each of the tamers in the room, all with various degrees of distressed looks on their faces. “However, our current ability to keep both you and your partners safe from each other and yourselves is compromised due to the many emergences we discussed that are occurring globally at a rapid pace.” Himekawa suddenly looked down, as if in shame, “I’ve asked you all here today as a request for you and your partners to assist us in finding the culprits behind these attacks.”

“Huh,” grunted Jules, “So you want to use us as pawns in your weird cybersecurity games?”

“We will need your help to keep the public safe,” Himekawa reiterated.

“Sorry, no thanks,” said Jules. He turned away with the slightest of hesitations, “this isn’t our problem. And if you ask me, the public isn’t any safer with your kind roaming around.”

Jules started towards the door quickly, only to trip over Buns, who had jumped down to stop him. “Jules! Wait a minute!” he pleaded.

“No, Buns. We’re going.” Jules insisted.

Suddenly, a bright flash emitted from one of the large display monitors on the wide boardroom walls, and two figures jumped out from the light as if the computer screen was a portal.

“Well?” Himekawa said to the unknown figure while the rest of the room still struggled with the light almost blinding their eyes.

As his vision came back to focus, Jules saw a puffy-haired girl with goggles, a hooded cape, and heavy boots stepping out from the light; a true adventurer’s garb. A small, blue, pointy-eared creature followed her.

“Nothing,” said the girl. “Vic and I searched everywhere. No sign of any rogue tamer.” The girl’s cloak was tattered and caked in dirt.

Vic the Veemon plopped down on his butt, exhausted and full of scratches on his body. “I’m pooped! Man, I could really use a doughnut right now,” he moaned.

“Jeez Choco, you and Vic look rough! What happened out there?!” Michael jumped down from the desk he was sitting on to help Vic back on his feet, and Bates crawled next to Choco to comfort her.

“We ran into a swarm of Vilemon, and then a Devidramon attacked out of nowhere,” Choco explained as she pet Bates, “Vic had to digivolve into two forms, first into Raidramon to run out from the swarm, then into Flamedramon to duke it out with that Devidramon.” Choco gave Vic a fist bump, “You did great pal.”

“You know it!” Vic mustered a boast despite feeling completely worn out, “whoever is behind all these disturbances, though, they ain’t messin’ around!” he added.

“Unforgivable!” shouted Ray, the girl in the plaid shirt and glasses. Newt the Guilmon growled in agreeing resentment.

“I’m sorry the mission was not successful,” apologized Himekawa, “however, it’s prudent that we continue the search.”

“This is insane,” Jules protested, “You - this… this girl just jumped out of the computer screen like it’s a window, all beat up, and you’re telling more people to go into that thing?! Y’all should call the cops or something. I’m done here.” Jules walks towards the door again.

“Jules!” Buns yelled and tugged at Jules’ leg, but he didn’t budge and keeps walking. Suddenly, Jules felt a grip on his arm that stops him.

“Hey!” Liz called out, “can’t you see what’s going on here? These people could use your help. We’re all in this together.”

“‘We?’ What does this have to do with me? With Buns?!” exclaimed Jules, “you don’t know what you’re talking about. You’re all naive. Go home.”

“No, you’re a coward,” Liz stated firmly, “you think I don’t know what’s going on? You think you’re the only one here with a Digimon you care about? Wake up. We all have partners. We all love them more than anything, and we’re not going to let some punk just bully his way around, terrorizing innocent people. If you’re too scared to do something when it counts, be my guest and go.”

Jules was silent, stunned. He lost Bao once and he had vowed; never again. “You don’t understand,” he cried, “I won’t do it. I won’t lose Buns too!”

“Jules…” Buns muttered, standing behind Jules, at a loss for words.

Liz let go of Jules’ arm. Minnie gathered cautiously next to the two of them. “Look,” Liz said patiently, “I don’t know what happened to you, what happened to Buns. But you need to trust in each other. Minnie here is my world. She might be bashful, she might be tender, but together our flame burns bright and we are strong. You need to believe in yourself, and believe in Buns.”

Jules wiped away his tears angrily with his sleeve. Liz was right, he thought. His whole life, he had been afraid. Afraid of what would happen if he lost safety, if he lost control. He had spent his whole life running from risk. He gritted his teeth.

No more.

Jules turned around and scooped up Buns from under his little arms. “Where are we going?” he said with determination, looking straight at the still-open digital portal.

Buns looked up at his partner, big beady eyes and wiggling dumb smile full of emotion that he could barely contain.

“That’s the spirit!” cheered Michael.

Liz smiled.

“Um… guys, c-count me in too!” came a softer voice from the corner of the room. It was the young college-aged kid, dressed in a beanie with a floating mammal by their side. “I-I didn’t introduce myself. My name is Salem, and this is Baku!” The Tapirmon floated down slightly in a polite bow.

“Fantastic!” exclaimed Michael, “Now it’s a party!”

“Right. A group strategy should increase our chances of finding the culprit behind these emergences,” reasoned Himekawa, “the rest of you should stay here in case we need to relieve the other group. As long as each team has a D-3, we should be able to transport all of you quickly between the physical and digital world.”

“Great! Good thing we have Salem with us!” Liz gave Salem a supportive nudge.

“Ms. Choco and Vic, please stay and recover for the time being.” Himekawa requested.

Ray, Newt, Kana, Toramon, Choco, and Vic nodded at Himekawa’s orders. The taller blonde with the cape and the girl with the X-Men tee in the back corner rolled their eyes.

“Okay, here goes nothing,” Salem holds up their D-3 as Baku snuggles up against them.

“Alrighty, see you crazy cats on the other side!” cheered Michael as Bates let out an energetic bark.

Liz cupped Minnie close.

“Here we go!” shouted Buns, still tight in Jules’ arms. “Here we go,” sighed Jules.

Woah!! The plot thickens!! So many cool new characters!! When are they gonna eat breakfast?! Why do tamers always beat up on Vilemons and Devidramons??! Is the writer losing it?!?! They better stop adding cliffhangers to cliffhangers next time on Tamersona Day 5: Way To Grow!

[katzirra]

Body, listen...

Your TMI fun facts of the day;

So the annoying thing about my brain and body on the sexual reactive front is sometimes body decides it’s gonna do what it wants, even though I am not comprehending, ingesting, nor processing, anything to make it react there.

“Whoops!! You feel that suddenly? No idea where it came from, but have fun with that!!” It’s in that same vein with minding my own business, not remotely thinking about anything, and suddenly my brain will be like “Hey man, you know what would be nice? Going down on a girl.” And I literally scream into the distance. That’s nice for two major reasons anyway; a healthy feeling of control, and man wow, girls are pretty and make pretty faces and sounds~

My personal favorite annoyance is how much I hate the I can’t actually get off, or attempt to, unless I’m in a relationship. I also have to pretty much feel allowed to get off to the idea of my partner too~ What a weird hang up!!

On top of that, if I have any concerns or worries in said relationship? I can’t in good conscious get myself off either. This is especially fun when I feel I’m more into my partner than they are me, which is easily 9/10 tbh?? It becomes like... I don’t know, man. It’s annoying. My ratio of want to get off versus get off is very small. It’s awful.

This essentially means [outside of a relationship] I have little to NO sex drive, and any time I have a spike on my radar of “Hey, I know it’s been a while but, uh, here’s that feeling... I think it’s called... being horny? Don’t quote me on that. But it’s your problem now.” I can’t even do anything about it, because I know I’ll get bored laying there trying to get anywhere, and get frustrated because I don’t meet an end.

It becomes “Go the fuck to bed and avoid it” - like brain can’t adhere to the ‘normal’ shit people do like read or watch stuff, lmao!! But in a relationship it becomes a weird spike event randomy at certain phrases or implied actions that my brain creates a response to, and it’s like “CHILL.” and usually I can’t do anything about it unless purposely provoked or tugged at anyway. Whoop.

Like I’ve actually tried looking into this, if there’s something this is at least CALLED? Or a reason FOR it? All I find is mm, hey I don’t get off with my partner - and it’s like nah dude, the issue is I can only get off when I have one. I’m just. It’s so irritating. The only thing I can think is if this falls on the demisexual scale somehow, because the emotional and such bond to someone - but I don’t know?? But It’s something I periodically look up because?? Why?? Like this?? I just wanna fucking get off some days without worrying about it, geez.

More often than not, I just want to know if this is just part of my attraction focus wheel, or if it’s something I might have mentally blocked out? But it’s not the latter I’m pretty sure, since I have no reason to block sexual ANYTHING out, but I’m just?? Why am I like this? I use to think I was probably asexual, like I had the urges now and then, but it wasn’t like on my list and a bunch of other things - but that’s not the case considering. Like if I have a legitimate emotional and physical attraction I am about it, it’s just that that’s prior to current, never been the situation.

Sexuality and self identification is a wild ride, kids.

Mm. In all honesty, since I’m on the subject anyway, the one person I ever had sex with I just wasn’t even really... there? It’s so strange to me to look back at things and tilt my head realizing how much I was not into K at all...? I was attracted to them aesthetically and some aspects of their personality, but even that I’m just... no, not really. I was used, and I wasn’t respected at all honestly. Nothing actually burns my inner fire more like knowing someone respects me or is proud of me? So a lack of it is just such a bucket of water on EVERYTHING.

Like, it’s so funny when I think of things that make me into someone, or things that are considered ‘turn ons’. There’s basic shit like neck bites and little bites period I love, and light scratching or like just being a little rough handsy period I guess? But then it’s like I THINK ABOUT THAT FUCKING KINK JOKE POST ABOUT “MY KINK IS FEELING APPRECIATED AND LOVED” and someone yelling I’M K*INKSHAMING. Because holy shit though like maybe it’s the leo ego thing with making me feel important?? But literally if I’m into you sexually, it is probably because there’s a mutual respect and I feel safe as well as I find you attractive?? And that’s the hilarious thing is that’s a reason I’m INTO someone?? Make me feel respected and wanted and important to you, and give any kind of little praise and I am le swoon and smitten~ Throw in some physical shit and I am but a WEAK woman completely at your mercy~

But like, that’s the thing. I had rough kisses and laughing during sex, which is what I love... you have to be able to have fun with your partner, I love having fun with a partner. I love a little roughhousing here and there at times - but it’s like... that wasn’t enough. The sex was... bad? Like I enjoy getting a girl off, it feels nice, it sooounds nice, and it looks nice~ I’m good at it, but like... getting me off is a chore if I’m not into it or you, and I know this from first hand experience? - I’m mad at this pun...

But at the time I had explained to them that it was difficult for me, and they insisted they could get me off, and it kinda just turned into me staring at the ceiling, and laughing because the insides of my thighs are way too sensitive and ticklish?? Also they just couldn’t stay on task and I have but the neediest little clit I guess.

But I would up getting bored, lying and just kinda being done lmao. I think I had a better time having phone sex, whoops~ That’s the other thing, is I have a heavy response to sounds and just... man. Played it up and I was just softly and harshly whispers, naaah..

I think the only nice experience sexually with them, was we woke up one morning and I can still feel the temperature of the room and see the colors through the windows and in the room... and just lazily kissing and getting eachother off. Too tired to think or respond really. That was the simplest and nicest thing I can think about the physical side of that weekend.

Like the more I ever reflect on that weekend, which is sadly kind of often because even any time I brush my teeth in my bathroom and catch my reflection? I can literally only think of them coming behind me, hugging me and saying my body was just their liking and... it sucks. Because like, that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said about this body that I hate? I hate my body. I hate it from my boobs to my baby fat pooch I can’t get rid of, to my thighs I can’t do anything about no matter how much work I do. It’s not that I’m fat that I hate it. Fat is beautiful on people, I just don’t like looking this way for myself. This is not how I want to look. I can work with it and make it pretty, and I look BEAUTIFUL sometimes, but it’s not the body I want to be in.

But that comment haunts me, because I was 20lbs lighter than I am now, and I... that was the nicest thing I’d ever heard. So that memory flashes randomly sometimes and I just sort of freeze before shaking my head, because with it comes the whole weekend. That weekend was a nightmare. It was a mistake. I can’t believe I wasted my time and money. I can’t go back in time and change it but it’s just... fuck, dude.

It wasn’t even a good booty call, how terrible is that?

But it’s like...landing there and being WHISKED OFF~ I went to my first con, I went to an Akira exhibit even and wanted to cry... like I was so happy with the chance to see that stuff in PERSON. The Kaneda jacket, the stills, the large sketches, the POSTERS - it was the coolest thing. And there I was with K, who was cheating on their boyfriend at the time. And I was trying to act okay with this, because they were going to dump him. How much of a naive asshole did I have to be? But I mean, there’s more to this story than this so... mm.

But I went down there because I was asked to. Because we’d been ‘dating’ a month, and they’d last seen me two or three months prior. Apparently it was a booty call. A couple hundred miles away... booty call. I laugh now at times because I mean, at least I learned what I like in a bedroom setting or from kisses, but christ.

Like there were cute parts to the weekend, don’t get me wrong... but... mm. Like it’s so much bad stuff?? Or immature shit? Stuff that rubbed me wrong? I love Flo*ence and the Mac*ine but like I still kinda feel a chill up my spine when I hear one of her songs? I ignore it because nO ONE CAN TAKE MUSIC FROM ME. I WILL BECOME IMMUNE AND NUMB TO THE PAIN IN TIME but I just... K drank so fucking much... and DROVE US TO THE HOTEL YELLING THE LYRICS TO THIS SONG and I just remember feeling worried about what was wrong. All I ever do is what is asked of me, and I came there on their request to see me, I went along with everywhere they wanted to take me - I wound up asleep, feeling sick from nerves, them DRAPED behind me... and eventually wound up sitting on the side of the tub holding their hair as they got sick.

Reasons I don’t like margaritas. Too bitter. And they drank a pitcher alone pretty much. -soft hums-

I... just. It was weird. To feel wanted but not wanted. To have someone wash your hair in the shower and steal kisses in the store when you were mid sentence [which I also find adorable and laugh at and love] and... to find yourself not wanting them to touch you when you slept. Feeling odd being requested to cuddle up to them. I wasn’t... attached the way I thought I was? But I was scared to hurt them after a while because they... I mean... they SOBBED on me for five hours about going home. I spent my last day consoling someone when I should have probably been the sobbing one??

Everything is so estranged when I look back... I struggle in things now a days because everything they said to me and promised me. It’s all the ideal things you want to hear. I never imagined getting married before until it was asked of me if I’d ever thought about it. How pretty I’d be.

Just weird shit man. But this is the person who would tell me a year ago I was upset with them for not picking me, and jumping into another relationship? When I was upset because I was tired of trying to be normal friends and being flirted with because I was uncomfortable?

I was upset with being summoned for petting egos and getting emotional fulfillment from, and yet being brushed off and felt... weird even TALKING. I’m so thankful to Stephanie for making me see shit and giving me firepower to tell them to fuck off, because I just... don’t care anymore? I don’t care about them. I can’t imagine their face really even anymore.

I just don’t care. But I just vividly remember shit because that’s what I have to go off of for one, and for two? It’s so fucking strange to pull back and realize I... didnt’ love these people.

I didn’t love any of them beyond mistaking friendship and lineliness for love. And that makes me feel no better than them. Unconsciously using someone versus being used intentionally is different but in the end it’s the same and I just... I think that’s another part of why I’m really vocal about how I feel for Becca. Because it’s different feeling. It’s not just a need for being with someone or to not feel lonely. It’s not a need for anything.

Yes we fight and yes things aren’t always good with communicating but unlike everyone else she gave me the choice to speak up about things and she wants this to work out, and she doesn’t throw her hands up like it’s too much stress even though sometimes it fucking sure seems like it.

It’s different and that’s probably why I dwell on old things so much is because it makes me feel guilty for a second, but it kind of melts away into a weird sadness. Not melancholy but... it just aches a little for the wasted time and effort and emotions? Wasted energy caring abotu stuff I want to put so far behind me...

I respond different. I think different. I still withdraw out of fear, but that’s a reflex. You get punched so many times, you’re going to back away and be small when someone raises a voice. Mm.

CASUALLY MAKES A POST ABOUT BODY NEEDS TO NOT RANDOMLY BE WET FOR NO REASON, ENDS UP GOING ON ABOUT MY BODY IS A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE FOR ME, TOUCHES ON SO SOME DEEP SEEDED SHIT THAT BOTHERS ME, GOES INTO HOW I FEEL LIKE A BAD PERSON, WRAPS UP WITH MY GIRLFRIEND IS REALLY IMPORTANT AND I’M GAY.

FUCKING, KAT POSTS.

[growingupguidepup]

Adventures In Puppy Raising Part 6: The Hard Part

At some point in the journey of every service dog puppy raiser, the puppy moves on to next stage of their life. Some will be career-changed or released from the program they started with, and others will go on to the next phase of training. If puppies go on to more training, this is when they leave their puppy raisers. This for me is the hardest part of the process, and I recently had to hand Penny over to Brigadoon Service Dogs so she could take the next step in her journey to become a service dog.

With all of our previous puppies we were given at least a month’s notice before we turned them in to the organizations. But with Penny, things happened a little differently. This was partly because Brigadoon runs differently than either of the two other organizations that we have raised for, partly because of uncontrollable events.

One of the co-founders of Brigadoon, Leon, just passed away, and Matt and I decided to make the trip up to Washington to attend his memorial services. Brigadoon is a very small organization, and it was important for us to be there to support them. When we let them know that we would be there, we were told that it would be a good time to bring Penny with us so she could stay behind and begin advanced training.

Normally we have time to prepare ourselves mentally; we have a chance to do some “lasts” with our puppy. We try to do all of that puppy’s favorite things, make sure they see their favorite people and dog friends. After all, when I have had a puppy for a year or more and help them grow and develop, it can be hard on my heart to let them go. I know that when I take on a new puppy that I will have to one day say goodbye, and it is part of the process.

“I have always wondered if other people could see the same potential that I saw in them as baby puppies, and they do.”

When we turned puppies in for Guide Dogs for the Blind, all puppies were turned in on a weekend. We could choose which day (Saturday or Sunday), and what time we took our puppies to the kennel (as long as it was during kennel hours). I also had the choice to walk the puppies to their kennel or hand the leash off to a kennel attendant. I always had the attendant take our puppies from us so that they didn’t see me leave them. When we turned Patrick in, we had a set date and time for turn-in. There was a luncheon and then we loaded Patrick up into their training vans for transport to the kennels.

Turning Penny in for training was a very different process from any other puppy. I will be the first to admit that we got very unusual and somewhat special treatment. How things went for us is not the normal procedure. We flew in on a Thursday morning and drove to Tahoma National Cemetery for a military memorial service, it was a beautiful service. Matt and I had a chance to meet and talk with employees who work at the correctional facilities where Penny’s siblings, Bernard and Bianca, have been training. It was nice to hear that everyone is very fond of the two of them and how sweet everyone thinks they are. I have always wondered if other people could see the same potential that I saw in them as baby puppies, and they do. They were all happy to meet the “other” sibling as well.

After the service we drove to Brigadoon. Denise was very kind to let us stay in a small room above the team training room. She even let Penny stay with us rather than putting her in the kennels right away. We had planned to stay for multiple days and we were able to get Penny comfortable with the grounds and the people who work and volunteer at Brigadoon gradually over that time.

The day after we arrived we took some time with Penny and explored the area, and what a beautiful area it is. We visited the downtown area for the first time and also checked out some of the different neighborhoods. We had a chance to see Bianca, whom we hadn’t seen since we dropped her off at 10 weeks old. She had grown so much, but was just as beautiful as she was as a puppy. Her temperament was very similar to Penny’s. She was shy and a little wary of people that she didn’t know, but warmed up very quickly. She was still very sweet and gentle. She didn’t recognize us right away, but I do think that after a little while she started to remember.

On Saturday, we had a chance to reunite Penny and Bianca with the help of one of the volunteers who helps take care of the dogs. We first let Penny and Bianca see each other through a fence, with each dog in her own area. After we gave them a few minutes to sniff and check each other out, we let them in one of the enclosed pens together. They were both so happy and immediately started playing together. Penny is actually a bit bigger than her sister and I don’t think that Bianca was used to being around a dog bigger than she is. After we saw that they were going to get along well, we let them into the very large play area where they were free to run to their hearts’ desire. What an amazing sight it was to see both dogs running together. When Penny can run full out it is quite a beautiful thing.

Another volunteer joined us in the play yard. Penny had been very wary of him earlier in the morning, but when she was in the play yard with Bianca and saw that Bianca was friends with him she was much more relaxed. He started playing fetch with the girls and that really helped Penny trust him. This was exactly what Penny needed. She needed to learn to trust the people at Brigadoon and see that it was a place where she would be safe and have fun.

Later that morning we helped set up for a reception for Leon being held at Brigadoon. While we helped, Penny had a chance to get acclimated with the kennels. This was a very important thing for Penny—kennel stress along with trusting people she didn’t know were my biggest worries about her. So an introduction to the kennels while we were still there was nice for all of us. She had a chance to learn the routine of the kennel and meet more of the people who help out and care for the dogs.

Once again the reception was lovely. We learned what an amazing person Leon was and how Brigadoon wouldn’t be here without his help. Many wonderful stories were told about him and both Matt and I wished that we had a chance to get to know him. We were both reminded again why we fell in love with this small but wonderful organization.

 After the reception we took Penny for a walk at a local park that was absolutely beautiful, with waterfalls included. While on the walk we met a really nice woman who had adopted a released dog from Brigadoon. She too had nothing but great things to say about Brigadoon as an organization and the people who are a part of it. We got some of our last pictures with Penny and got ourselves prepared to spend our last night with her. Sometimes you just don’t want that night to end.

Spending the day in the kennel and probably feeling our emotional stress started to get to Penny and she did throw up in the car on the way back to Brigadoon. She hadn’t fully finished her breakfast or her dinner the night before either, so it was pretty obvious that she was feeling a little stressed about the change of routine. I spent some time cuddling with her that night and reassuring her that she will be in good hands. She was pretty exhausted and slept really well that night.

The next morning she didn’t really want to eat, but I took her out for some playtime and then she was more relaxed and ate a little bit for me. We let her hang out in the large play yard while we took a chance to play with the absolutely adorable six-week-old litter of collie puppies that Denise’s own personal dog had. I can’t resist puppies! Penny was definitely enjoying her time outside in the grass and trees.

Then it was time to pack up our things and get ready to drive to Seattle to catch our flight home. Penny was set up in her kennel and hanging out with one of the trainers. While I packed up, Matt spent some one-on-one time with Bianca and when I finished packing I took some time to play with her as well. And then we had one final play session with Penny. She absolutely loved being outside there; that is all she wanted to do almost the entire weekend. Once again, I didn’t want it to end and leave for home.

When it was finally time for us to leave, we took Penny to her kennel. We left her “My Little Pony” blanket, a few of her favorite toys, her pink elephant, and of course her pink bunny. This was the first time we were able to leave something familiar with any of our puppies.

“… there is a part of me that is hoping that I do get that call that Penny wants to come back to us, but there is also a part of me that really hopes that she excels without me and goes on to do great things for someone that really needs her more than I do.”

People may think I’m weird or crazy, but each puppy I drop off I talk to them and I hope that they understand what I am saying. I tell them how proud of them I am and that they are destined to do great things, no matter what their path is. Penny was no different. As I hugged her goodbye I told her how much I loved her and how proud I am of her. That her future was her choice, if the stress was too much for her to let someone know and that they would call me to come get her, but I really wanted to her give this training a chance before she decided. I told her that I will be forever grateful for having her in my life and that she helped make me whole again even though she will always have a piece of my heart. Each puppy we raise is special, each different and unique. With each one the experience and lessons I learn from them is just as unique as each puppy.

With Penny, she is special for so many reasons. She is the first puppy that we got to name. She is the first puppy that we got to actually choose to be the puppy we raised. She is the first puppy that was as big as I am. And probably the biggest reason that she is special is that she came into my life when I needed her the most. Along with letting go of Bianca and Bernard first, it was being able to raise Penny for the last year that showed me that I can still be a puppy raiser. My heart was very fragile but she helped heal me as a person that I don’t think that I am able to fully explain. Penny has a very powerful thing about her and I have seen her make other people who are emotionally hurting feel better. She seems to know and her gentle loving nature (and pushy need to hug) has some sort of magic.

Now I will be totally honest, there is a part of me that is hoping that I do get that call that Penny wants to come back to us, but there is also a part of me that really hopes that she excels without me and goes on to do great things for someone that really needs her more than I do. I know that she is in great hands with Denise and the crew at Brigadoon. The love and care they give their dogs is why I chose to place all three puppies with them. I know that they will do what is best for each of them. When we landed from our flight home we had a text message waiting for us letting us know that Penny had eaten all of her dinner, a good sign that she wasn’t too stressed out and adjusting already. Six days after we left Penny we got a short video of her playing fetch with one of the board members and volunteer, she looked so happy. We even got another short video of her in her kennel snuggled up and sucking on her bunny, so I know that they are doing everything they can to keep Penny happy, comfortable, and on the path to becoming a service dog.

So what is next for Penny? There is a chance that she might head to one of the correctional facilities and start learning more defined skills. The inmates are a huge part in almost all the Brigadoon dogs leaning the skills they need to assist someone. Almost like intermediate training. We did the foundation work, the inmates will do more advanced work and then the staff at Brigadoon will do the fine tuning when it is clear what type of work will be best suited for Penny. She still has about another year’s worth of training and learning ahead of her and we will eagerly await to see what path she chooses.

And what is next for us? Well Oscar is … we didn’t come home empty-handed. Like I said, we love this organization and want to continue to support them. We brought home with us a super eager to learn and energetic 15-week-old fox red Labrador puppy. So our next adventure is just beginning and hopefully now after our latest trip, a long relationship with Brigadoon Service Dogs. So stay tuned for more on the adventures with Oscar …so far he looks like he is going to be a really fun guy!

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