#i was also a little mad at matthew for a minute there

[teaxeee]

tea hear me out. harddom!matthew x sub!reader x softdom!gyuvin OR gunwook. thats it thats the tweet.

Omg hit tweet era (I know this is answred very late so I have to apologize for that), also I'll do both just because hehehe 🫶🫶

Imagine just waiting for Gyuvin and Matthew to return, probably from practice and when they come home Gyuvin is just soso happy to see his baby again (aka you) that he's clinging onto you, hugging and kissing you all over while saying how much he missed you while Matthew watches from afar. He is a little pissed due to being scolded during practice, but he tries not to show it that much. He finally gets his turn and also hugs and kisses you, his body melting against yours. He starts getting more touchy, groping your tits, squeezing your thighs while he looks at you as if he wants to eat you up, to devour you.

That's how you end up sandwiched between the two of them, both of their cock inside you as Matthew fucks into you from behind while Gyuvin is facing you. Matthew can barely control himself, finally fucking the anger out of him, his hips smacking harshly against your ass as he grunts against your ear, one hand holding your hip, the other one wrapped around your neck, your head tilted back against his shoulder while he pounds into you. He'd say the filthiest words "Such a needy slut, taking two cocks at the same time." "You're such a whore for us, letting us use you however we want to." Meanwhile Gyuvin is so gentle, doesn't miss the chance to kiss your cheeks, nose or lips. He'd have one hand on your breast, gently tugging and pinching at your nipple, while he's holding your hand with his other hand. This man would praise you so much like: "Such a good baby, looking so pretty being stuffed by us." "Our pretty girl, letting us make you feel good."

Now imagine: Cuddling with Gunwook while waiting for Matthew to return from the store, but the only issue you have is that: both you and Gunwook are suddenly feeling horny, and you both know that Matthew would get mad if he finds you both going at it while he was away. You both didn't care, so it didn't take long before all your clothes and his were scattered on the floor. Gunwook felt like he was going insane as soon as his cock was inside your pussy, his hands gripping your thighs and spreading them as he pounded into you. He tried to be quick, both of you feeling scared not to get caugh as you tried to stay quiet while he sped up, the tip of his cock hitting deliciously against your g-spot, making you see starts.

It wasn't long before you two got caught by Matthew, already looking pissed and seeming a bit aroused at the sight. He'd be dissapointed, as if mocking you both while saying "Pathetic. Couldn't even wait for me to come back and you had to go at it?" while being a bit cocky. That's how you know you both fucked up. Within minutes, you and Gunwook have your hands tied up against the headboard, unable to move at all because Matthew didn't want the both of you to touch or do anything. I'd say Matthew would be a bit mean and put a vibrator inside you at the highest setting, while Gunwook had a cock ring on, also on the highest settings. He'd leave you both for at least an hour or two saying "Since you both decided to be brats I'll just make you both into a mess." And indeed after two hours you'd already came a few times, starting to feel sensitive and overstimulated while Gunwook kept cumming until his cock started to hurt. Safe to say that: Matthew had a few rounds with both you and Gunwook <3

[allylikethecat]

Just wanted to say I love your MattDrai "Hurricane" fic and I'm excited for the next update!! But until then I'm happy just rereading it because I really do enjoy it a lot :)

Oh my gosh thank you so much! I'm so happy to hear you're enjoying Hurricane - especially with that year and a half gap between updates 🤣 It's very exciting to hear from someone that reads my Hockey RPF - I know The 1975 has kind of taken over all of my plot bunnies at the moment - but Hockey RPF was my first love and I still have SO MANY feelings about MattDrai. When I found out that Matty BROKE HIS STERNUM and then CONTINUED TO TRY AND PLAY I just sat there. I was like this is not real life, this is the plot of a fic. Then a whole bunch of very talented people wrote about it and it made me very happy to read, AND I'm now even more happy to see that he is on the mend IRL.

Anyway, I'm hoping to have an update for ya soon! The next chapter is about 75% ready for the world hopefully later this week or early next week it'll be able to get it posted. Thank you so much for reading and for your kind message!

❤️Ally

[ratatatastic]

scare the hoes more and keep yapping about ekky (& others) getting used to maffhew, it delights me. and say even more about how sasha handles this feral and sweet omega that gets dropped into his orbit. smth smth “feels like i’ve known him 10 years” or whatever vows sasha recited to the press, cameras, and god

apparently we are taking more tumblr user ratatatastic abo yap thoughts for 500 may god hear our screams up wherever he is. big man in the sky you fuckin owe me one.

i think theres so much in particular to say in concerns of 1619 and how quickly they gelled irl but even more so in an abo au

ive always enjoyed when people assign matthew stronger scents that take getting used to if you don't like it already and i know ive read a fic where his scent notes did skew towards stronger cinnamon foods/drinks

anyways on that note it wouldnt surprise me that sasha takes so easy to this spicy little omega.

Like of course he does, he smells like the pastries he used to eat back at home, the pastries he eats now because he's found an established Finnish bakery down here that makes them homemade every morning, the bakery he likes to frequent with the other Finns when he can.

Is it ever a wonder that the cute omega that sent him such a terribly sweet text when the trade news broke out (you know, after the initial excitement worn off because Sasha does chuckle at memory of the brash "Fucking, right!" that pinged on his phone the very first time from an unknown number) smells like... home... No matter all the rumours that have swirled around Matthew, the rumours Sasha has personally experienced himself playing against him...he smells nostalgic. Like Sasha could be at home right now—you know, home home—lounging outside his cottage with tea and pastries on the little table that he's set out. The warm cinnamon that wafts from the typically sterile room they've assigned for pressers smells divine, for lack of a better word. It smells indulgent. Because Sasha can't have those homely pastries all the time, what, with his training regiment.

It's why he doesn't quite believe it that Matthew's the one that's the centre of it all. He's absolutely convinced he's hallucinating because the season is about to start and he's had to cut back on all his favourite sweets as much as it pains him to but for the betterment of the team? He'd do anything. And yet despite the way he rubs at his nose to at least try to clear it, he smells that cinnamon. That cinnamon that's definitely coming from new omega they traded over who's laughing so obnoxiously at the lectern they have set up that if his scent didn't catch your attention, his loud mannerisms certainly did. His voice is practically bouncing off the walls in big loud echoes that should hurt Sasha’s ears. Emphasis on should. As it is he finds his heart melting more than it should instead.

It's been quite a long time since someone's scent has moved him this much. All the people that have, have been in his life for so long he's forgotten what it's like to feel instant scent compatibility. His nostrils are flaring and he's trying his best not to open his mouth to huff in big gulps of it because it's rather impolite to be so obviously scenting the new guy. It could be misconstrued as Sasha taking offence to the new presence in the room.

Some part of his brain is still trying to catch up to the idea that Matthew even smells at all because the first time he met him (down here for some joint offseason ice-time) he didn't particularly smell like much, if at all really. Whether it's because he put on blockers to not intrude on pack territory until he smelled more like them, or he was still on suppressants even in the summer, Sasha wasn't sure and he definitely wasn't going to ask about it.

Known him for 10 years? He feels like he's known him his whole life. But 10's a safe number, 10's a number that won't scare off this new omega, right? 10's a number that conveys "As Captain I want this to work out, I'm opening up my pack for you, I won't shun you, you're welcome here," and not "If I stick my nose in your neck right now to scent you, they're gonna have to forcibly evict me from the new home I've found in you, and it's not gonna be a pretty outcome."

It's also why he's a little nervous when Media Day is over because despite how much it dragged along in years past it practically blitzed by and now Sasha has to—

You know, properly scent the new addition. Give them the purring acceptance of their Pack leader's scent to carry with them. And it's nothing big, it's just some chaste wrist rubbing... something subtle and not too overwhelming for everyone: the pack, and the newcomer alike. It's not like Sasha is going to mouth at Matthew's neck glands. He doesn't think he can even handle that right now but that's a problem for future Sasha—for when Matthew is really part of the pack and not like a goldfish in a plastic bag being dunked into an aquarium to get used to the water temperature. He just has to rub his wrist against his, it's like basic Alpha etiquette. It'll be fine, mostly. He hopes.

And it's as anticlimactic as he thought it'd be: gentle reintroductions and reignited chatter of excitement about the new season that's about to start... maybe just with the new lingering scent of sweet and spice in the background as if someone lit up a candle without Sasha even noticing it. It's a struggle to keep his eyes from closing from how heavy they feel, from how relaxed he feels in the presence of this new omega he knows has pissed him off on several occasions as composed as he was about it.

Matthew presents his wrist in a flourish successfully managing to divert his attention back to what they're supposed to be doing all alone like this in the dressing room like this, "I'm sure you've been dying to do this huh, Cap?"

Sweat starts to break out at the back of his neck. He knows? Sasha doesn't think he's been sending off any signals that could've hinted otherwise but Sasha admits that he's well out of practise, he hasn't had to reign in his scent this much in such a long time, and maybe Matthew picked up his weird fixation—

Matthew waggles his eyebrows for extra effect an offbeat later when the joke doesn't seem to land the way he wanted it to.

Oh, thank Christ, he's just teasing him. It's a joke. He doesn't actually mean it in the way Sasha thought he meant.

"Yes. Yes, I have," Sasha chuckles in relief, shaking his head at Matthew's attempt to lighten the mood.

"10 years, or so I've heard, bud."

"You heard? Uh, listened to the..." he trails off.

"Kinda hard not to when the setup made it sound like you were in the middle of the Earth, my guy. I don't think my ears are ever gonna recover from that."

"It's the first day for everyone," Sasha lightly chastises, not particularly aggrieved at all but wanting to keep up the banter to stall for time, so he can prepare himself. Quite honestly he feels like travelled back in time to the young anxious Alpha he was breaking out into the league for the first time.

"Be gentle, I bruise easily."

"Right, gentle. I'll treat you better than my clothes on the delicate cycle."

"Is that supposed to be a line?" Matthew says in glee, his voice pitching into incredulity.

"Line like fishing?"

"Oh, come on! You know what I'm talking about! You've been in this country long enough to pick up on that!"

"Yes, yes, that."

Matthew shoves at his shoulder playfully. "Just go on and do the thing already."

"Doing the thing."

Matthew snorts but his wrist is limp in Sasha’s hold. And as much as it was a dumb joke he does feel delicate between his fingers like that. So delicate that when he rubs his own wrist against his—to transfer over their pack scent—he feels like he's going to break it if he holds onto it for too long. It's why he drops it as quick as he took it, hands scrambling to his sides in an effort to remain polite but also to get a handle on himself so his pheromones don't go haywire with the new stimulus. It's a bit of a losing battle because he knows his scent just. But he can play it off as the excitement of an Alpha being able to claim another member to his pack, it's a possessive kind of thing.

"Well, see you around! Call it a hunch but I have a feeling we'll be seeing more of each other." And the joke wasn't funny the first time, truly the equivalent of leaning on the office fax machine and going "You come here often?" to your coworkers who just want to get their work done—and just as sleazy too with the greasy grin Matthew has permanently stuck to his face but Sasha still laughs like he did the first time he heard it.

And it's only now that Matthew is gone that Sasha realises the room smells strongly of cinnamon, so potent that anyone with a working nose would be able to tell that. Like Matthew was doing his best to ease Sasha’s obvious nerves when Sasha should've been the one to calm the omega who's been uprooted from their own pack and thrown into a completely new environment, himself.

"Jesus, it reeks in here. Smells like cinnamon," Aaron wrinkles his nose, wandering back in after his own media duties were done, finding Sasha all alone in the locker rooms.

"It does?" Like he can't tell the room smells like the equivalent of someone knocking over a Yankee Candle into an open fire.

"Yeah, like an awful lot." Aaron scrunching up his nose, trying to fight off an incoming sneeze. "It's strong," he says without thinking, swallows before his eyes shift over to Sasha and then to the floor, "Not bad just... strong..." The I can get used to it is left unspoken between them.

"I like it," Sasha admits because if Aaron is confessing to things without thinking then he might as well too. They've known each other long enough.

"I can tell." Aaron snorts, "You reek too."

Sasha lets out a questioning little noise, tilts his head to the side as he silently urges Aaron to continue.

"You have no idea what cinnamon and cardamom smell like together, do you? I feel like I walked into a bakery when I should be at the gym right now."

"Is that bad?"

"For you? No, of course not," Aaron's eyes soften, and while his scent wasn't anywhere close to abrasive, it does lighten up just a tad bit in the presence of his pack Alpha. "For me? I'd rather dunk my head in a bucket of coffee beans." A bit of an exaggeration on Aaron's part but the wry grin he has on really adds to the fact he's just joking—just a little, maybe there's some truth hidden in there. He knows how Aaron is, the way he tries to downplay anytime he bristles about something. Peace and vibes, and all that.

So Sasha can joke as well, "Forsy's stall is over there," and motions his head towards it across the room.

"Oh, hilarious."

"If I was funny I would say jock."

"You know, what? I think I will hit the gym today, thanks for reminding me."

"Mmm, anytime." And when Aaron's half out the door he adds, "Ask the staff where they put the jerseys we used today!"

"I'm going! To the gym!" he echoes back, not bothering to turn around as he shuffles down the hall in a hurry, and decidedly not going in the direction of the gym. It's not surprising when he hears chatter pick up and shoes scuffing briskly into the direction of the laundry rooms.

[thisisntmattsturniolo]

hide and seek

summary - you and your friends play a game of hide and seek, but since you and matt can’t find a hiding spot, you end up hiding together.

contains - sub!matt x poc!reader, drug use (on that good kush and alc) oral (m receiving) pet names, semi - public, swearing , no p in v, praise kink, lowercase, no use of y/n.

somewhat proofread

✶⋆.˚

we were all in the living room, it was around 2am . me , the triplets, madi , and nate. we were all passing the blunt around under the dim lights, the only things that were noticeable were their low bloodshot eyes and the low music playing in the back.

“guys…” nick slurred out “ we should totally play hide and seek in the dark, plus were high. you know how much fun this might be.” he exclaimed “nick are you serious” chris scoffed “what are we? in fucking kindergarten?” “no motherfucker, im just saying we should because were sitting here like mannequins passing a fucking joint and high out of our minds.” nick yapped while chris paid no attention to him.

“i mean im down” nate said . madi and i agreed with nate, while matt just sat there quietly watching the others bicker. after 20 minutes of arguing we all agreed to the game, we all chose nick to be the counter we all ran to our hiding spots as nick went to go turn the lights off.

chris hid upstairs , madi hid in one of the bathrooms , and nate hid in matts room . meanwhile me and matt were trying to find a space to hide, nick was already at 30 since we told him to count to 50. i hid in the nearest closet, matt must of saw me since i somewhat ran to it.

“matt what the fuck are you in here!? this is my-“ i was shut up by him covering my mouth. the closet we were hiding in was somewhat spacious, enough room for the both of us to fit. i was honestly surprised he would be in here with me, but i wasn’t mad, i was just glad it wasn’t chris.

“can you be quiet, do you seriously want to be the first ones found?” he sighed out, not making any eye contact with me. that was the first time he ever spoke to me. i was friends with nick and chris, and yea i talk to them but, i didn’t really talk to matt as much as he never talked to me. i would always catch him staring at me whenever i was talking to chris or nick but i always ignored it, i would also try and start conversations with him but i was always answered with a head nod or nothing.

chris was found first since he doesnt know how to shut up nor sit still. few more minutes past by no one else was found yet, i was genuinely surprised, so i tried to start a another conversation with matt. “on a scale of 1-10, how afraid of ketchup are you?” i blurted out with a giggle as he stared at me with a ‘is she really serious..’ face.

the boy said nothing, just another sigh in response. “y’know matt…” i spoke up a little as my fingers traveled up his tattooed arm, moving closer to him. his breath hitched since my movements were so unsudden, “it’d be better if you started a conversation with me. i think you’re a really handsome boy and i think we’d get along great..” i whispered in his ear as i straddled on top of him, wrapping my hands behind his neck, his hands shot to my waist.

our lips ghosted each other as i got closer to his face. i started to kiss his neck down to his collar bone, he let out a low whine as his hips bucked up a little. i felt his buldge against my clothed core, but i ignored it. i kissed my way back up to his neck, cupping his jaw and pecking a kiss on his soft pink lips.

he pulled me back into the kiss, it was a slow passionate kiss. i slightly rocked my hips causing him to groan. “please..” he pulled away from the kiss looking down. “please what matthew?” i asked him softly, slowly grinding hips on him. “i need you..” he said quietly.

my fingers traveled down his shirt to his sweatpants, fidgeting with the strings above his buldge. he bucked his hips up, practically begging for my touch. my fingers crept up to the waistband of his sweats, slightly tugging at them. he nodded his head slowly in approval, i pulled sweats and boxers down briefly to his thighs. he winced at the cool air that brushed against his tip, letting out a small whine.

“you’re such a pretty boy matthew.. it’s such a shame you don’t really talk to me, i’d like to get to know you better..” i huffed out as i placed one hand on his shaft, moving it up and down. the brunette let out a audible moan, throwing his head back onto the wall behind him. “fuck baby please..” he grumbled bucking his hips into my hand. “need your mouth.. s’bad, please..” he began to whine.

i began to duck my head down to level with his dick. his hands traveled to my hair, tangling his fingers between each curl. i gave his tip a few kitten licks, his grip on my head began to slightly tighten. he let out a breathy moan before looking down at me. “if you make any noise i’ll stop and you’ll half to finish on your own. got it?” i made myself clear, i honestly didn’t want this moment to be over. the boy shook his head rapidly in response.

i gave his tip another kitten lick before swallowing it whole. pumping the rest i couldn’t fit into my mouth. his grip on my hair tightened as he threw his head down with his mouth hanging open and his eyes closed, “you’re doing so good for me matt. it would be such a shame if someone caught us, wouldn’t t it?” i teased, small whines and whimpers came from his mouth. i shot him a quick warning look and he perched his mouth shut.

“shitt..oh f-fuck..you’re s’good baby..” he was just blabbering words at this point, nothing but swear words and whimpers left the boy’s mouth. he repeatedly covered his mouth to contain the whines and whimpers that were spilling out. “‘m close..please..” he warned, as his chest began to rise and fall rapidly. his cock begin to twitch, signaling he was close. i swirled my tongue around his tip, giving it light, sloppy kisses. white ribbon like ropes shot out into my mouth. “you’re so good f’me baby..” he mumbled under his breath.

he pulled me in for another kiss but it was sloppier than before. kissing me like there was no tomorrow. he pulled me onto his lap, my clothed cunt grinding against his somewhat still hard on. i was honestly soaked at this point. his whines spilled into my mouth, causing me to smile a little in the kiss. i pulled away when i heard multiple footsteps passed by the closet and mumbling voices indicating everyone was near by. we were both hot and sweaty, out of breath, and everything was out of place.

i cleaned myself up before cleaning him up since he was clearly tired. i laid a kiss on his temple before getting up to open the door. “can you stay here for a bit..” matt asked with a slight crack in his voice, almost sounding embarrassed. “matt why would you wanna-“ i was cut off by nick opening the closet door. “now how the fuck did i not find you, and why is matt in here?” “and why is your hair fucked up” chris added as he stood behind nick.

shit.

@sturnsslut @vampsturns @chr7svv @luvmatt @sturnsgirl @lovesturns @chrissslut

[aniesvision]

𐂃 𝑫𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂𝒏𝒙𝒊𝒆𝒕𝒚- 𝑴.𝑺

𝚠𝚊𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐𝚜: 𝒅𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒆𝒓!𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒅𝒆𝒓, 𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒔𝒕, 𝒖𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒅𝒓𝒖𝒈𝒔, 𝒂𝒏𝒙𝒊𝒆𝒕𝒚, 𝒎𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒂𝒅𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏, 𝒔𝒖𝒈𝒈𝒆𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒗𝒆, 𝒔𝒎𝒖𝒕, 𝒐𝒓𝒂𝒍 (𝒇! 𝒓𝒆𝒄𝒆𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈), 𝒑 𝒊𝒏 𝒗, 𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒍 𝒐𝒖𝒕, 𝒂𝒇𝒕𝒆𝒓𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒆, 𝒇𝒍𝒖𝒇𝒇

𝚊/𝚗: 𝒊 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆𝒆𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒖 𝒈𝒖𝒚𝒔 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒐𝒐 ♡︎ 𝒆𝒏𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒊𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕 𝒎𝒚 𝒇𝒊𝒓𝒔𝒕 𝒍𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒖𝒂𝒈𝒆!!

𝚜𝚞𝚖𝚖𝚊𝚛𝚢: 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒈𝒆𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒄𝒖𝒔𝒕𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒓𝒔 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒖𝒑 𝒄𝒂𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒐𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒎 𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒉𝒊𝒎

3450 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅𝒔

Selling weed to drunk teenagers and young adults at parties wasn't my first option, but high school ended a few years ago, I live alone since my parents kicked me out of their house and college is expensive as fuck. I tried to get a normal job, but my classes were taking a lot of time and it wasn't working out. Maybe it could, but I felt like I was going to explode any second, and mental health is also expensive so I couldn't afford a therapist if I needed one.

I used to love parties, drinking and dancing with my friends, just running away from all the responsibilities. Now I hate them. I have to talk to people I don't like, people I don't know, weird guys that give me what I need to sell and then I get back barely enough to pay my bills. They're not exactly dangerous, but I don't have the energy to fight back and ask for more.

My luck was to become friends with a girl in college who knew influencers and got us in a few parties. Honestly it wasn't a surprise that almost all of them used something, I mean, they have to find a way of going through life and sometimes getting high is a great escape from reality. I do it myself and I don't even get hundreds of comments about everything I do online.

Since they were all rich or close to being rich I always charged more than normal. They could pay and I needed that money, so it's only fair. Funny thing though it's not all influencers are assholes and I ended up getting involuntarily closer to one of them.

Matthew Sturniolo. Didn't seem like the kind to use stuff, and didn't look like he had done it before when I handed him a joint. I had to teach him how to smoke, something I've never done before to anyone, and when I realized his shaky hands and bouncy legs I immediately caught the reason he even asked for it.

We talked a lot the day we met, even told him my number in case he wanted more weed, but deep down I was curious and hoped he would text me so I could see him again.

When days later he called me wanting more I was surprised. First because he called, not texted like everyone does, second because for some reason I could feel through the tone in his voice that he felt the same he did at that party. He was beyond anxious and I felt bad, he seemed decently nice to be in the environment he was in that day, but I guess he needed to be present.

I found out he's a triplet, and his brothers had no idea that he wasn't sober anymore like the other two. I wonder if they're also as nice and calm as he is, at least he talks about them with love so I think they're all really close.

I have no idea why, in fact, it's a really bad thing for him to trust me enough to get in my car and smoke with me without even knowing me, but I was glad he did. It was the first time I was hanging out with a customer, and I wasn't mad at all. I did the talking for a few minutes, watching as he visibly calmed down, and eventually started talking back.

When he left I made sure to warn him about the smell so he could take a shower before his brothers noticed, and when I drove back to my place I couldn't stop wondering if he'd call me again.

But this time he texted. And he was alone, so he asked if I wanted to smoke with him inside his house. It was a bad idea, clearly a huge red sign, and I still said yes. We know a little bit about each other by now, and he had the opportunity to do anything when he got into my car, yet he seemed more like a scaredy cat than anything else, for him I probably looked like the dangerous one.

Matt is cute, all shy, but kind. More of an introvert, he gets anxious a lot, but have things to help him, and people, weed shouldn't be on the list. It was the third time we saw each other, the third time smoking together, third joint I had sold him, and I was already starting to regret selling him.

-Why did you want to smoke? -I ask, holding my joint in between my fingers and looking at him.

His smile falters as he processes the question, taking a deep breath before deciding to open up.

-I think my anxiety was getting worse and I couldn't find anything to help me anymore. I didn't want to bother my brothers, they have their own things going on as well.

I nod, feeling more empathy for him than I probably should. Talking to him felt like talking to a normal boy, not like talking to those internet famous people who somehow became "famous". He was genuine, he was showing true feelings and being relatable, I just couldn't help feeling like he was my friend and I had to help him, or try to.

-What did you do when you felt like this?

I take another hit, carefully placing my joint down and kicking off my shoes to get more comfortable on the couch. He follows my movements with his eyes.

-Journalling, going on walks, nature, fortnite. –He chuckles, looking to the other side. -I like seeing animals, watching movies, I don't know, anything that could distract me.

I smile, nodding and taking a sip of water from the third bottle we've opened since we started smoking.

-That's cool. Why don't they seem to work anymore?

He shrugs, taking the last hit before throwing the finished joint into a bowl. The smoke left his lips smoothly, now being more used to the feeling and not coughing, eyes turning slightly red as the effects hit him.

-I don't know. They don't feel the same, it's like I'm losing interest, y'know? -He asks, with his accent showing up.

I nod once again, knowing exactly what he meant. That's one of the reasons why I started smoking, years ago, and knowing how I just simply cannot live without it I feel responsible for making Matt realize this is not a good option and there are other ways of making the anxiety disappear. I don't want him to be like me.

☘︎☘︎☘︎

Matt has texted me at least once a week for the past three weeks and it was starting to worry me how badly he needed more. Smoking more than one joint, smoking alone, I warned him I wouldn't sell him that much, but he was getting used to the idea of not thinking about his problems while high and our texts were no longer just about him wanting to buy stuff.

We talked every day. I tried to keep it as superficial as possible, but it was no use since we ended up opening up to each other. I told him my reason for selling, almost all that happened in my life, and I knew so much about him too. My concerns only increased as the days went by and now, with him in my apartment for the second time this week, I knew I had to do something about it.

-Long time no see. -I joke, seeing him at my front door.

His face said what he didn't need to, he was almost panicking, sweating, pink cheeks, glossy eyes, shaky hands. He didn't seem healthy at all, and it was hurting me to know that part of it was my fault. I gave him access to drugs, I showed him how to smoke.

-I need one. -He sighs, stepping inside and closing the door behind him.

We sat down on my couch, him watching me intently as I started rolling a couple of joints.

-That bad, huh? –I ask, my voice sounding a bit lower than normal. -You know I can't keep selling you this shit, right?

I look at him, my eyes sending him a warning. We talked about it before, I had to bring up how much he was contacting me for drugs and how much I disliked it.

-I know, I'll stop, I just feel really bad right now. -He tells me, but I had no trust that he'd actually stop.

-I hope so, I care about you, Matt. You're not just my customer, you know that.

My voice was soft, full of sincerity, and he knew that, his eyes also softening when he realized he was being too much.

-I just need to find other ways to deal with it. -He looks down, almost embarrassed, fidgeting his fingers.

There's a silence for a minute, all we ever talked about, how much I worry about him, how I feel responsible for him, how I'm so grateful we met and how much I hate to see him like this, all going through my mind. I couldn't bear to watch him suffer and fill him with drugs to make it go away, because I knew that it wouldn't, it just makes things worse.

I'm not an addict, at least not to the point it makes my life harder, I just use weed whenever I'm stressed, which is a lot. Although, I have the strength to do what I need to and that's good for me, it means I'm still healthy enough to go through my stuff. But Matt isn't. He doesn't seem or act healthy, and although is not just because of the weed, I think it makes him feel like he can only do stuff when he's high. And that is dangerous.

I try to think about other ways of making him feel better. My tongue sealed the first beck, putting it aside as I worked on the second one. There weren't many options, all the things he used to like seem boring to him now, and there's not much we could do. He needs something that makes both body and mind work at the same time, something that makes him tired, makes him feel.

I was reluctant to ask him what came into my mind, but as I saw him become impatient and my fingers close the second beck, I knew I had to do something, and I had to do it now.

-Matt, would you fuck me? -I ask, sealing the second beck and putting it aside.

I could've worded it better, but I felt desperate to avoid him smoking again. His eyes widen, jaw falling in surprise. I was also surprised with myself, but if I'm being honest it wasn't the first time I asked this, the only difference is that I usually ask it to myself, in my brain, not out loud, not to him.

-What?!

-You heard me.

Saying it once was enough, I had no courage to ask him twice, but at least it was kinda working, he stopped fidgeting his fingers and didn't even look at the joints that I discreetly set on the coffee table.

He seemed to think about it, processing my words, eyebrows raising as his eyes looked everywhere but at me. He licks his lips, placing each hand on each side of his body.

-I mean, yeah, I guess, but why?

His answer was not what I expected, but I didn't know what to expect. It made my heart beat faster and now I felt like the shy anxious one. I never did this before, nothing that I did with Matt I did before in my life with anyone else. Being friends with a customer is not usually the best idea, most of the time it's not even possible, but more than that?

He knows me. He truly does, and I know him, as much as he lets me. This is not just a common selling-buying relationship, it's way past that.

-Well, sex is a decent way to help with your anxiety, better than drugs.

I explain, my voice slightly shaky, eyes meeting his awkwardly, hoping I was making any sense.

When he studies me with his eyes I feel nervous, he could pay for the weed and go away, never talk to me again, say all the worst things he could think of.

Instead, he only nods, face turning serious.

-Do you want to do it or do you just want me to quit the weed so bad you're considering it?

His words caught me by surprise, but by now I shouldn't be surprised with anything anymore. Although it was kind of a harsh statement, I knew where he was coming from and the tone in his voice showed me he was as hesitant as I was.

-I do want you to quit, but I wouldn't do it just because of it. -My answer was clear, and almost a relief, for both of us.

There was another silence, not long, but that carried all the emotions and uncertainties both of us had at the moment.

-I get anxious a lot. -Matt says, half joking, half teasing.

Feels like we got ourselves an agreement, and I just know things are changing drastically between us now.

-I'm aware of that. -I joke back.

We smile at each other, taking in the final moment of acceptance before Matt's lips are on mine. I quickly kiss him back, our lips moving slowly at first, savoring each other's taste. There was a pause to breathe that didn't last long until we were kissing again.

With those two kisses I was more than happy with myself for thinking of such a good way of helping him, if I wasn't sure why I felt the urge to do something about it now it was crystal clear. I like him. Talking to him, being his dealer, being his friend, getting to know him, caring about him, it might or might not be in a romantic way, but I like him, a lot.

Feeling his lips on mine, our tongues brushing together, him carefully laying me down on the couch and hovering me, with one hand finally holding my waist. I definitely like him, and I like this, I like his touch as much as I like his voice, I like kissing him as much as I like hanging out with him, I like all of him.

Our shirts were on the floor, my bra hanging over the coffee table, his hands exploring my skin as I shivered, eyes connected as he slipped my pants down. His fingers were cold, pressing on my soaked panties, eyes admiring it like a work of art, speechless.

All anxiety in his body left when my last piece of clothes was discarded and his mouth did wonders on me, moans probably pissing off the neighbors as I tried to pull him closer by his hair.

-Fuck, Matt, I'm gonna cum... -I warn him with a whiny voice, back arching and head falling back.

-Please do, wanna taste you so bad. -He barely takes his mouth out of me to say, hands gently caressing my thighs.

My first orgasm with him was surprisingly good, not that I expected it to be bad, but definitely didn't expect it to feel so... perfect. He smiled at me like he was proud, kissing all over my body until his lips found mine again, making me taste myself.

His clothes were soon discarded as well and just by the sight of him I knew I had one more reason to like him. He seemed the calmest I've ever seen him, considering what was happening, a smirk of confidence on his lips proving he knew exactly what he was doing to me. His hand wraps around his length, teasing my folds with his tip and holding himself up with his other arm.

-Wanted to do this for so long, if I knew I had a chance I wouldn't even ask for so much weed just to see you. -He smirks down at me, circling my sensitive clit with his tip.

The feelings were so intense I almost missed what he said, but when my brain processed his words I was shocked. My jaw fell in surprise, eyes widening and my arm lifting so I could slap his arm with my hand, giving him a look of disbelief.

-You're unbelievable, you didn't have to buy anything, or use anything! We could've just hung out. -I say, trying not to smile at the fact he confessed he wanted to see me.

But in awful terms and I felt even more responsible for his acts.

I didn't have time to be mad at him, though, because he decided it was the perfect time to push all of him at once. My gasp was so loud that the entire building probably heard it, my walls fell on fire for a few seconds and he remained in the same position until my expression softened and he started to move.

His confession fully disappeared from my mind when I felt just how good he could feel. It gave me butterflies to feel him moving at a slow pace, keeping eye contact like he wanted to make sure everything was okay. His eyes looked so pretty, dark and full of desire, but also affection.

Matt kisses me again as he fasteners his thrusts, making me moan against his lips. One of his hands grabs one of my thighs, holding it up against my chest, hitting deeper.

-So fucking good. -He whispers, a long breath leaving his lips as his eyes roll back and his head falls.

My nails leave bruises on his back as I feel my second orgasm building up, sounds getting louder and my body squirming non-stop under him. Didn't take long for me to reach it, him following and pulling off just fast enough to paint my stomach with his seed.

After deep breaths and a long hug to calm down, Matt stands up and walks to my bathroom, already knowing how to navigate through my apartment, and comes back with a towel to clean us. When we were done he left me putting on my clothes again to get me some water.

Both decently dressed, a pause to the bathroom and lots of water later, Matt and I sit back on the couch, looking at each other, my head resting on the backrest and his hand moving my hair behind my ear.

-I didn't smoke all the joints I bought. I gave some to my friends who smoke. I only smoked once without you and I hated it. I was too nervous to ask you to just hang out, I wasn't sure if you'd want to, so I kept coming back to buy more because I knew I could spend time with you that way.

His voice was soft and sweet, only sharing his truth with me without being scared of it. Although it was adorable that he wanted to see me so much he found a way he thought it was the best, I hated how unsure he was if I'd want to spend time with him back. I also hated that weed was involved in this.

I smile at him, taking his free hand in mine and interlacing our fingers, rubbing my thumb against his skin.

-Matt, I really like seeing you and hanging out with you, there's no need to feel nervous, weed or no weed I still want you around. Honestly, preferably with no weed, you don't need it, never did.

His eyes showed so much gratitude, almost shining with relief. He smiles back, nodding his head and looking down at our fingers, his other hand still playing with my hair.

-Yeah, it didn't help me that much, but at least it brought you into my life, so I'm grateful for it.

My heart swells with affection, butterflies flying free in my stomach. I reach out to press a soft kiss on his lips, wanting to show him just how much I enjoyed knowing how he feels.

-I'm so happy to have you in my life, Matt. -I whisper, pulling away just enough to say it.

We smile at each other, both of his hands now on my cheeks, cupping them gently.

-Does this mean you'd say yes to a date?

I giggle, nodding and wrapping my arms around him.

-Yes, I'd love to.

➪ @riowritesitall @sturniolosarethebest @hyacinthst @deers4luv @sturncakez @watercolorskyy @delooshunalhoe @sarosfilms @blahbel668 @sturniyolo69 @sturniolosl0t @colbsposts00 @fallingforfalll2 @stvrnmc @faithlia @katie-tibo @monroesturnns @chrisxcherry @shaquilles-0atmeal @fratbrochrisgf @dayzeandhaze @h3arts4harry @star-yawnznn @asherrisrandom @pip4444chris @sturniolo-fann @beansprout713 @conspiracy-ash @sturnsxbitvh @ivysturnss @mattsbitchh @larallott @stqrnlvs @sssoniaswiftt @s1ut4chris @lovingregulusblack @sturnslutz @star-yawnznn @jupiter-rebel

[loveforquanrui]

zb1's reaction to finding out you're sick

제로베이스원- zb1 and their reaction to finding out you are sick after trying to hide it from them, lowercase intended, mentions of food, gn reader, not proofread, lowercase intended

-jiwoong-

i think it would be easy to hide the fact that you were sick to jiwoong

i give it 2 days max until he finds out

when he does find out, he would not be mad or disappointed, i truly believe he would understand why you were trying to hide it from him

his first priority is to make you feel better, so he would try to come over to your house, so he can make his lovely partner feel better

in the case that you don't want him to come over

he would be respectful of what you want but would 100% be the type to drop off medicine, snacks, and stuffed animals

-hao-

unlike jiwoong, it would be so hard to hide something from hao

hao is soo clingy so its not an easy task to hide that you are sick

when he finds out that you are sick

he'd throw a little sassy fit over the phone and say that he is sad that you would hide it from him

would go over to your house and even though he is a bit upset that you tried to hide the fact that you were sick, he would do anything you need

need to do some chores no worries hao is already doing them

want to get up to grab your journal, hao is already running to your run to grab it for you

needless to say hao does not want you moving an inch from where you are laying

-hanbin-

you see hanbin he has days where he is clingly and days where he isnt

but hanbin is an enfj and would constantly check up on you

the moment you respond unusually late, he would already be knocking at your door

when he finds out you've been sick for a couple of days already

he would be so disappointed, he would be wondering why you would hide it from him

luckily even though he is disappointed, his first priority like jiwoong is to get you to feel better

once you are better expect a lecture on how you should not hide these things from him

he would randomly ask what are your symptoms?

once you tell him, he'd say "i'll be right back", and a couple of minutes later he would return with a bag full of medicine

he would take care of you so well, and even spend the night until you feel like yourself again

-matthew-

when it comes to matthew i feel like he would know that you got sick even before you got sick

you guys were probably out, when it started to rain, and that's when you got a slight cough

from there matthew already knew that you were about to get sick

he wouldn't lecture you in fact i feel like matthew would be sooo chill and relaxing to be around when you're sick

matthew would make sure to buy you the medicine you would need way in advanced

and when he takes care of you he would make a little fort for you two in your living room

and he would put on one of his favorite animes, and would also prepare your favorite snacks

-taerae-

taerae.. listen i believe in clingly boyfriend taerae, it just has to be real

so i give it max one literal day till he finds out that you are sick

when he finds out that you are sick and that you were going to hide it from him, he'd be so petty and slightly upset

our little duck has anger issues but it's okay cause its taerae!

he would be so upset because he wants you to tell him this things not hide them :,(

he would still take care of you of course his pettiness can only go for so long

but don't think it'll be easy

he would be a bit sassy and petty but would still take good care of you and give you all the necessary cuddles

so in conclusion don't hide something like this to taerae or our baby will be upset :(

-ricky-

our ricky who for sure is a T

i don't think ricky is clingly like the other members

so i think he would be clueless to you being sick but..

in the time when he does find out he would try to act calm and collected but our lovelicky would be a worried mess

immediately he would show up to your house bringing a doctor along

after the doctor prescribes you medicine, he would tuck you into your bed, and go buy the medicine in the nearest pharmacy

you being sick activates cute worried ricky :,)

he would help you with literally everything

he would try to feed you the medicine even though he's shy about it

would cuddle with you and watch any of your favorite movies, even if he's not interested in them, he would watch them to make you feel happy

i dont think he would stay the night over like some of the other boys but thats because everyday that you are sick..

ricky will show up with a new gift in order to get you a little distracted from your sickness

in a moment like this you're all he thinks about and he only cares about you feeling better

-gyuvin-

oh our clueless yet adorable gyuvin

listen despite him being a little goofy sometimes he would also be another member that you cannot hide things from

when you tried hiding the fact that you are sick it was.. hard

gyuvin is sooo clingly

so before you could even tell him not to come over because you were busy

he was already at your house, unlocking the door with the spare key

"Y/N" he'd yell and when you can't respond because of how sick you are, he'd look for you immediately

when he finds you and finds out your sick, he'd be asking so many questions

"why are you sick", "when did you get sick", "why didn't you tell me?"

when you answered his long list of questions he would assure you that he can take care of you, and that you don't need to call your mom to do so

and boy was it definitely an experience to put it nicely

he would make you soup and would help by feeding it to you

but of course your boyfriend isn't himself if he isn't pulling a little prank on you

he would feed you like parents feed their babies saying something like "here comes the airplane open wide", when you said you won't do that he insisted he wont let you eat until you do

and when you comply right as the spoon was about to enter your mouth he quickly feeds himself instead

you gotta admit it made you laugh and thats why you love your boyfriend

he always makes you forget about the negative aspects in life

-gunwook-

while gunwook is so smart, i'd think he's a little gullible

i feel like the reason why i think he's gullible is because he trusts you so much so he wouldn't expect you to lie to him about being sick

so when you text him that you are not sick he immediately believes you

it isnt until 3 days later when he calls you unexpectedly, and your words could lie, but your voice couldn't

thats how he found out you have been sick and not busy like you said

he would say "i'm coming over in 5 minutes"

he'd show up with all the right medicine, food, and some flowers

but he would be sooo pouty

he'd cuddle into you, not caring if he got sick, and after those cuddles comes the worst part

the lecture

he would give you a lecture about how you should tell him when you don't feel well because he's here to help you not make you feel like you can't tell him :,)

after understanding each other comes the lovey dovey part

gunwook would cuddle you day and night

and he would read you any book you wanted to read

and he would also tell you many stories of his childhood that you did not know about

and you would rapidly get better since gunwook made you also do activity like yoga that can make your body more relax

so in a week you were already cured, as if you never got sick

your boyfriend is so smart so ofc he knows how to get you to feel better right away

-yujin-

yujin is such a cutie

he would be so clueless as well

if you tell him you're not sick he would also believe you and not ask any questions

so hiding the fact that you were sick would be so easy

it wasn't until after you got a little better and you only had a runny nose when he found out you've been sick

"oh you should've told me"

he'd feel so bad for not realizing that you were sick sooner

so the next time when you guys met up at the park, he bought you a gift as an apology

he would tell you that next time you feel sick to let him know so he could be there for you

yujin may be shy and awkward and times but at the end of the day he is very caring and gentle towards the people he loves

[gvnvks]

zb1 giving you partner privileges … !

> pairings: non-idol!zb1 x fem!reader

> warnings: lowercase intended, not proofread

> song recommendation: mori by dawid podsiadlo (its in polish but u gotta listen to it fr)

> note: i started my exams today … two more to go !!

김 jiwoong.

THE PRIVILEGE IS REAL

im being so fr 😭

when literally anyone tries to take something from him, JUST BORROW FOR A SEC he immediately turns D:

except when its you

you could take (over) this mans whole life (you already did) and he wouldn’t even complain

hes THAT whipped

girl TRUST ☠️

“hey jiwoong, i wondered if i could borrow your charger for a sec, mine just stopped wor-“ rickys sentence got cut short by jiwoongs whine

HOMEBOY SNATCHED THAT CHARGER AWAY FROM HIM

“jiwoong, my sweet !! i thought i could use your laptop. i need to get some work done real quick”

jiwoong immediately gives u the laptop no hesitations

trust me if he could give you his all time life savings along with that laptop HE WOULD

(pls do i kinda need money 💯)

“can i use ur cologne jiwoong pls” “no”

BUT IF ITS YOU

“hey jiwoong!! i thought your cologne smelt really nice and wondered if i could spray a little on myself too!!”

shows u all colognes he has ever bought

EVEN THE EMPTY BOTTLES

“u can choose. the one i used today is this one :D”

later gives u like 2-3 of his STILL FULL colognes that you liked the smell of cause “i dont need that many anyways”

장 hao.

he’s serious about his sleeping

trust me.

he gets so mad when someone disturbs him in his slumber

and he’s also very difficult to wake up 😭

seriously

“hao u really should wake up…”

*snores*

“hao pls we have a schedule in 30 minutes”

*snores*

jiwoong you should just give up atp 🧍🏻‍♀️

“literally wake up what the fuck”

and let me tell y’all

when someone other than you miraculously manages to wake his ass up

he’ll just straight up yell at them

“SHUT UP” yes throw that pillow hao ‼️

but you

your voice has something that immediately wakes him up in his best mood

rainbows around his head and allat yk yk

every time when it’s you waking him up TRUST ME you’ll never see a morning pout on his face

you could literally beat his ass awake and he’d have nothing against it ☠️

he gets all soft and allat … yeah cute babe hao

his members r fucking confused cause what he so whipped for

can u see the what the fuck expression on jiwoongs face ??

HE JUST SIGHS

HE OFFICIALLY GAVE UP YALL

he’s in love like that

giving you privileges LIKE THAT …

also his morning i love yous … hi I need a bf quick

he’s a 10/10 boyfriend btw 💋

성 hanbin.

the amount of privilege you get as hanbins partner …

he literally pays for your every single thing

u saw that new pretty skirt while window shopping ??

“honey, want me to buy it for you?”

no matter your answer he in fact always does buy it

ur on a date in that cute new caffe ??

“hey, choose what you want. ill pay.”

SO HOT 💔

“hanbin !! this necklace is pretty, isn’t it ??”

“yeah, pretty neat” and the necklace is at your door 2 days later

basically your human wallet

of course its not like u demand from him to pay for you, he just does

and hanbin really enjoys buying you things and making you happy btw ‼️

cute

but when it’s his members 😭

oh hell naw he ain’t having it

“hanbin could you pls pay for me I forgot my wallet”

AND HE JUST GLARES

sighs

and sometimes SOMETIMES he does pay for his members but it’s like

once in a blue moon literally

“hanbin do you maybe want to buy me that new, cool game (whatever games he fucking plays) ??” GYUVIN BABE YOU KNOW THE ANSWER

“no” LMAOO

“oh no !! i ran out of money on apple pay …” you just wanted to buy keys on subway surfers 😕

hanbin IMMEDIATELY charges your apple pay with … a lot of money. you can buy a lot of keys now. are you happy.

GYUVIN SEES IT ALL AND IS OFFENDED ☠️

석 matthew.

i get a feeling that as long as matthew enjoys physical affection, he’s not that big on hair touching ?? like yk

he probably won’t let his members touch his hair very often

i dont know i just feel like he wouldn’t like it

“matthew, u got something on your hair” gunwook tries to pick whatever shit landed on his head

MATTHEW GRASPS HIS HAND HALFWAY 😭

GUNWOOK LITERALLY HISSES IN PAIN MATTHEW CHILL PLS PLs pLS

“i can do it myself” okay mr serious ?? gunwook literally didn’t ask

its not that serious, it was never that serious 💯

BUT WHEN YOURE IN THE PICTURE

you really like touching his hair

it’s so soft and allat

and sometimes you just randomly place ur hand on his head

he tenses up FOR A LITTLE SECOND and then softens up cause he realizes it’s you

SO CUTE 💔

lets you touch it for however long you want

matthew just doesn’t mind

ALSO

when you kiss his hair while ur hand is on his head he gets all shy and covered in blush 😭

kisses u back …

can u imagine what he’d do if instead of you it was one of the boys

HED THROW HANDS I CAN FUXKING TELL

honestly i dont see matthew as an aggressive (?) type of guy but when it comes to his hair ☠️

김 taerae.

we all know taeraes fashion sense is a bit … yeah.

basically it’s kinda bad

but that boy doesn’t let ANYONE literally anyone style him

“taerae i dont think these red pants fit well with that shirt …” hao just tried to give him some advice

and taerae just ignores his words 😭

“no taerae, don’t but these shoes, they won’t go with anything”

“stfu” BYE

but you ………

of course you love your precious bf but

sometimes you just can’t stand how off his outfits look 💔

”hm taerae… i dont think this shirt fits these cargos! maybe you could wear this white one?”

changes in the blink of an eye ‼️

“do i look better, sweetheart ??”

YES YES YOU DO

he’s so cute pls

he’s ready to change his whole outfit if you ask him to

“taerae i don’t think this outfit suits a date night…”

it’s not like you demand him to change, you just simply share your opinion

WHICH HE FUCKING RESPECTS

maybe even a little too much 😭

so whipped

guess who has head over heels for you

definitely not taerae

“taerae, my sweet !! these pants have too many bright colors, don’t you think they won’t suit anything you have ??”

“oh! maybe you’re right. thank you, sweetheart”

NAH BYW

리키 ricky.

he’s so in love that the amount of privileges he gives you is fucking enormous, im fr

but we’ll focus on one

ricky never lets ANYONE go through his phone 🙏🏼

he doesn’t hide anything or sth

he just doesn’t like when people go through his things, especially without his permission

“what the fuck are you doing with my phone, yujin” in a matter of 0.5 seconds rickys phone is not in yujins hands anymore

poor boy just wanted to check the weather 💔

“hey ricky, can i check something in your phone ?? mine just died”

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, HANBIN

“no” as simple as that 😭

“oh ricky … i also wanted to check my gmail real quick but its o-“

he doesn’t let you finish and just hands you his phone

HANBIN IS OFFENDED (who wouldn’t 😭 this looks like some kind of prejudice)

oh my god how things change when it comes to you …

basically you have more access to his phone than ricky himself

sometimes it even comes to you literally using his phone all day. literally whole 24 hours 💯

AND HE DOESNT COMPLAIN AT ALL ??

like literally no complaints whatsoever. zero. none. 0. FUXKING NULL.

his members r like what the fuck because like

WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN YOU AND THEM

yall sometimes also like to switch phones for a day

the amount of pictures you take on his phone 😭

so whipped that he deletes NONE of them ‼️🙏🏼

김 gyuvin.

yes i do know i use this theme a lot while writing for gyuvin but i just cant help leave me alone pls

okay we all know gyuvin likes gaming

but he’s real serious about that …

if you’re not (y/n) don’t even think of disturbing him while he’s gaming 😭

HED LASH OUT TRUST

“gyuvin do you want som-“ taerae can’t even finish because gyuvin starts fucking throwing hands at him

“im kinda busy yk.” yes. yes we know.

HE DOESNT EVEN LET ANYONE TOUCH HIM ?? LIKE AT ALL ☠️

oh such a discord mod he is (im joking btw..)

but if it’s you …

oh girl i envy you this kind of boyfie 😕‼️

when you’re near him while he’s gaming he’d literally play with his headset only half on

yk in case you need something from him

so cute and so hot at the same time 🧍🏻‍♀️

he’d abandon his game for you

AND IM SERIOUS WHEN I SAY ABANDON

GIRL TRUST 💯

and ..

he lets you sit on his lap too ??

oh lawd have mercy 🙏🏼

when u sit on his lap he would literally play with one hand just to rub soothing circles on your back …

pls i need a therapist 💋

박 gunwook.

gunwook really doesn’t like when someone disturbs him while he’s focused on something

i mean its kinda obvious ??

probably no one does lmao 😭

he’s ready to throw hands even if it’s something way more important than the thing he’s focused on

IM SERIOUS ONG ‼️

“gunwook, can you stop what you’re doing for a while?” jiwoong asks with a pretty serious tone

“i can’t” WITHOUT EVEN LOOKING UP FROM HIS BOOK ?

not good … 💔

jiwoong im so sorry you’re probably so done by now

but if it’s you … !!!!!

“gunwook…” you whine, feeling kinda bored and alone today

AND HE IMMEDIATELY SHIFTS HIS WHOLE ASS ATTENTION TO YOU

god, teenager in love ‼️

he doesn’t really want to abandon what he’s doing rn as gyuvin does so he just

divides the attention 💯

…

sits you on his lap

OR SOMETIMES EVEN ON HIS DESK 😭

holds you by ur waist and just simply

plants kisses all over your cheeks

do I need to say his members r kinda disappointed ?? ☠️

hi i need a cute boyfie rn 💔

한 yujin.

okay so

there’s a lot of things yujin would let you do without you noticing it’s a “privilege”

because he wouldn’t complain if others did those things too ??

i mean like … its yujin so

but when YOU do these …

he encourages u so much 😭

ong…

im so serious … ‼️

“yujin can i try your food ?? it looks so good” ricky asked waving his chopsticks at yujins face

“oh… yeah go for it, i guess” WITH THE BLANKEST STARE EVER LMAOO

PLS TRY TO SEE IT WITH UR IMAGINSTION

“yujin! can i see your necklaces? it’s so cute!”

YUJIN IS SO SO XONFUSED

“oh… well… yeah”

now imagine you doing it 😭

“can i try some of your food, yujin ??”

HIS EYES IMMEDIATELY LIGHT UP ‼️

“yes! this here is rice with chicken and sour sauce and these ones there are some fried vegetables! eat as much as you want, cutie!”

okay yujin… 😭 not THAT serious babe

“yujin, my sweet! can i see your necklace?”

SO SO IN LOVE

“of course! i can help you put it on if you want to! you’d look so good in it!”

bae is so cute

gvnvks © 2023

[chrissturniolosbitch]

Lacrosse

a/n- this contains smut (ofc because i love smutty smuts), thats literally it...

also can yall send in annon shit? like literally annything idc... i just wanna read shit yall have to say😘

summary- matt loses his lacrosse game, and fucks the braincells outta you.. (jk not that serious) (i wish doee)

--------------------------------------------------------

I was sitting in the stands watching my boyfriends lacross game. We were losing againt the worst team, 0-4. "Shit cmon matthew" I said wispering. I knew matt would be mad if he lost considering this is his last game of senior year.

*BUZZ* it was the end of the game we had lost, 2-6. That was a major loss for matt, "i should..." before i could finish my sentence madi did, "go." I got up and ran down to the locker room waiting for matt to come out. I was waiting patiently for about 3 minutes before matt came out, "Hey baby." I said disappointed. He didnt say anything back he just grabbed my hand a pulled me with him.

When we got to the car, matt opened the door for me. I could feel his eyes staring at my body while i climbed into the passenger seat. When matt drove me home he usually went slow for my safty, but today he went fast. Still keeping me safe but i was still a little scared

When we arived home matt opened the passenger door for me, and held my hand as i came out. When i went to the front door to unlock it, suddenly matt came up beside me and turned me so i was pinned against the door, "You better be ready" matt stated angrily but calmly, "for what matt? Are you okay?" I said knowing exactly what he wanted, "Y/n... you know what i want. What i need" He said making me more, and more wetter every second. I giggled softly not allowing matt to see my smile as i unlocked the door and ran upstairs.

Matt entered the room as soon as i did, "hands and knees now" he said demanding you of this action I stripped naked (matt following) and got on all fours, turned away from him, but staring back at him. he suddenly sent a pinging slap to my bare ass before running a finger through my folds. This action caused an almost pornographic moan to leave my mouth that was definitely audible to his brothers just upstairs. as he placed his back to mine. he placed his hand over my mouth. "no more noise from you. don't want anyone hearing you." he whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine.

He then started kissing light feather like kisses down my spine until my ass which he slapped again. suddenly i felt the tip of his cock playing with my folds. making its way up and down driving me insane. "please matt" i said rubbing my thighs together to get some friction, "please what baby?" Matt said tilting his head knowing exactly what he was doing to me, "please fuck me already" with the tick of approval he slipped his massive cock into my sopping hole causing my legs to almost give out. he wrapped an arm around my stomach lowering his upper body to mine as he menacingly fucked me at a pace seemingly inhumane. as he continued he pulled his arm away from my upper body up to continue and started toying with my clit. I rapidly started feeling the all too well build up towards my release. "i'm almost there baby. don't stop" As soon as those words left my mouth he pulled out of me causing me to let a few tears slid down my face. I was about to ask him why he stopped when suddenly he flipped us over, "Show me how good you can ride me baby" Matt said gripping my boobs, i took his dick to my entrance and slipped myself down still close to my high. My legs were shaking horribly but i still bounced up, and down on his massive dick, "please matt im so close" I said reaching my climax, "go ahead baby cum on my cock" After he said that i started shaking, matt grabbed my hips thrusting me up and down, a few second later matt filled me up with his babies, coating the inside of me white.

As he slowly pulled out of me, I collapsed onto his chest, the mixture that had been created oozing out of me as he licked it up from

my now sensitive pussy, making me whine in response. he then laid next to me, caressing my waist, "you should loss lacross games more often" I said giggling as matt pulled my in for a sweet, and soft kiss, "if it means i can fuck you like that then hell yea." Matt said laughing as we drifted off to sleep cuddling naked together

--------------------------------------------------------

you alr know matt loves doggie style😍

(legs are open matty (im a chris girl yall))

-mell 🪐

[zbase1]

most to least likely to get jealous easily

most

zhang hao

hanbin

gyuvin

taerae

ricky

jiwoong

matthew

least

explanations below the cut !!

zhang hao

— uh oh

— i genuinely think zhang hao would get jealous very easily

— and boy is he scary when he is jealous

— like he wouldn't even try to hide or tone down his expressions

— have you guys seen that clip of zhang hao's reaction when he saw gyuvin cuddling hanbin lmfao

— and the one where he gets up and manually separates jiwoong and taerae's hands

— bro was MAD

— overall zhang hao strikes me as a pretty possessive person and he is not afraid to proactively show it

— your sweater would get stuck on a doorknob while you were walking by and hanbin, who happened to be nearby, offers to detangle you

— hao sees the entire interaction and he is practically fuming

— storms up to you guys and immediately moves hanbin's hand away from your sweater

— "thanks hanbin, but i can take care of it from here"

— gets super touchy and doesn't let go of your hand for the next 30 minutes

— "hao, i'm not going anywhere, don't worry. also my hand is getting numb...."

— "oH sorry"

hanbin

—hanbin also strikes me as being quite possessive

— remember that one clip where zhang hao is touching taerae's leg and hanbin was in the back, watching it all unfold with a scary look on his face

— but then when taerae looks behind him to check for hanbin's expression, hanbin suddenly smiles like nothing happened

— so the main difference between zhang hao and hanbin is that hanbin actually tones down his emotions he is feeling at the time

— when he sees zhang hao showing you pictures on his phone while standing a little too close to you for his liking, hanbin sees literal red

— when you bring it up to him later,

— "is everything alright hanbin? i saw you glaring at me a while ago when i was with hao"

— "yes. everything is just fine. "

— he would feign a reassuring smile (a scarily believing one too)

— due to his leader position, hanbin has the tendency to be a control freak sometimes, and that translates over to your relationship with him as well

— but remember in that one video hanbin he said he resolves his anger easily

— so i think hanbin would quickly get over himself and acknowledge that there was no need for jealousy

— he eventually apologizes to you for acting this way

gyuvin

— i think gyuvin would get jealous quite easily since he is still quite young and needs more time to process this intense emotion

— gyuvin feels a twinge of jealously whenever he sees you laughing at ricky's jokes

— he would get insecure and start comparing himself to others :(

— tries to brush off his jealousy with humor

— "bitches be obsessed with y/n ⁉️ it's me i'm bitches ‼️🔥"

— "gyu, what's wrong?"

— "okay be honest y/n do you think ricky is funnier than me"

— reassuring gyuvin was really simple: just hug him

— gyuvin forgives you so quickly and wraps you in a big hug

taerae

— he is so gentle-natured and soft-hearted

— so i think taerae's heart would break a little when he overhears you asking matthew for advice about what shoes to pair with your outfit

— he is your boyfriend, NOT matthew!!! was his sense of style so awful you didn't wanna ask him for his opinion?

— lowkey gets offended but would never say that out loud

— instead he just becomes really really quiet

— taerae knows it's petty but he gives you the silent treatment and feels guilty about it the whole time

— taerae isn't trying to hurt you, but he just wants space and time for himself to think things through before he says anything he regrets

— comes out of hibernation after 24 hours and talks it through with you honestly

— "y/n i'm so sorry for ignoring you, i just wasn't being right in the head at the time and i let my emotions get the best of me"

ricky

— moderately gets jealous from time to time

— doesn't act like his usual self and sighs a lot out of frustration

— in my perspective, ricky is not usually touchy with loved ones, especially not in public

— but ricky starts acting more clingy than usual when he is jealous, which makes you ask him if everything was okay

— he admits to you that he didn't like it when you paid more attention to gyuvin's dog than him when you guys went over to gyuvin's the other day

— "ricky, you're jealous of..... eumpappa?" 💀

— "NO WHAT. well..... maybe a little. BUT i just wanted your attention :("

jiwoong

— i think jiwoong wouldn't really get jealous that often due to the life experiences and wisdom he already has (he is only 24 i accidentally made him sound ancient)

— being an actor, jiwoong definitely knows about having to kiss other actors while filming a romance drama,

— all while some actors are in their own actual relationships

— they know to set aside personal life for professionalism

— so i feel like jiwoong would understand and know how to separate the two

— knows that your relationsbip with him is valuable and you aren't trying to leave him when you spend alone time with the other boys

— honestly i can see jiwoong giving advice to the other boys who get jealous more often

— "taerae, i really think y/n just happened to ask matthew about the shoes because you had your airpods in and your head in a book. and no one wants to be interrupted when they're listening to music and reading."

matthew

— my boy matthew is so chill (it's the canadian in him)

— he almost never gets jealous

— except for maybe when you mention your childhood crush on nick from zootopia for some reason??? 💀

— matthew legit doesn't bat an eye when you tell him you're going to the grocery store to buy some ingredients for taerae's birthday cake

— "i wanna come along y/n!!! i know exactly what taerae would like."

— it's so sweet how matthew fully trusts you and the other zb1 boys

— if anything, matthew usually ENCOURAGES you to hang out with his friends

— smiley boy isn't worried at all

[tmzrkstan]

ZB1 as boyfriend things

•----------••----------••----------••----------••-------•

genre: fluff, romantic, relantionship.

•----------••----------••----------••----------••-------•

❀Jiwoong:

*He´s not only your boyfriend but your personal caregiver;

*So concerned about you getting hurt physically or not that always has his arm around your waist and asks if you are good when you're out;

*If you working or doing something for school on your computer he is right there, his hand on your leg, probably working too;

*Even when you two can´t really act like a couple Jiwong will make your legs or hands touching where no one can see;

*The big reason beyond this is not only that he loves your touch, but wants you to know that he is there for you;

*You can be sure that this man would kiss your forehead 24/7;

❀Hanbin:

*Words of affirmation every minute;

*Hypes you up in long speechs anytime he has a chance:

*Wants to make sure that you see how much you are capable and that he loves you no matter what;

*You can´t think of anyone else to talk when you're feeling bad and end up in long late calls (he also confirmes that you're not annoying him);

*If he sees or hears that someone has hurt you he will make sure that person gets visited by karma;

*It's impossible not to melt at the sight of him with a silly passionate expression looking deep into your eyes telling that he loves you;

❀Zanghao:

*Completely sucker for finding places and discovering new things with you;

*Always sneaking out during free times, most of them testing different restaurants;

*Just the two of you giving more and making new memories;

*He just thinks it's great for keeping the relationship alive and fun;

*Always making sure you'll be comfortable exploring unknown areas;

❀Matthew:

*Making you shy it's his favorite hobby;

*Loves to kiss you unexpectedly and leave you completely surprised;

*Doesn't leave words out, knows very well when to whisper something dirty in your ear;

*But he sure prefers physical contact;

*Oh, just that funny smile he gives when he sees the effect he has on you!!!!!

❀Taerae:

*Simply spending time with you is enough;

*You both like to go out, but home dates are a favorite for practicality and safety;

*From enjoying a meal and watching something to lying in bed with him playing some melody on the guitar;

*For him it is more important to really be together paying attention to the other than the place;

❀Ricky:

*We don't even need to confirm again that he's addict to spoiling;

*But not only using his money and also giving you attention;

*From the outside, they might see him as someone who only cares about himself, but oh boy lovelicky attacks every day;

*Going to visit you with a gift in hand and holding you in his arms the whole time;

*If you start with "I wanted to..." he'll do it for you no matter what;

*And don't even think about complaining!

❀Gyuvin:

*His passion is to see you losing your mind after hours of him annoying you;

*Do little daily competitions with you always stealing and throwing it in your face that you lost;

*Makes you pay a bounty as a prize, that's how he gets your kisses;

*Even when he says raise the flag of peace, it's not over;

*Waits until you give in and you're hugging to whisper how he's better at something;

❀Gunwook:

*All he wants is to hold your hand and cuddle all day;

*Has a lot of youthful energy but is calm and sweet in your relationship;

*Always tries hard to show that he loves you by doing something for you;

*But actually the physical contact already makes it clear;

*Runs to be loved in hugs when he's feeling low;

*Holding hands everywhere and not letting it go for anything that happens;

❀Yujin:

*The maknae here is used to receiving attention and care ALL the time so you have to deal with it;

*He won't ask you, but will make it clear that he wants you around;

*Pretend to be mad when you wear the pants in the relationship;

*Deep down he loves being taken care of by you, but he will never admit it;

*Pouts and sly moments happen every day in your relationship;

*Just a baby looking for comfort and love <3;

[littlenightma]

Things l Love About The Joy Ride Movies

• First up, the most obvious — Rusty’s voice. All three movies chose three great actors that are delicious to listen to on and off a CB radio.

• Ken Kirzinger who played Rusty in 3 was Mark Gibbon’s stunt double in 2.

• “How’s my little hussy?” #2 — Had me giggling and kicking my feet.

• “Hey, little girl.” #2 — Rusty makes all the boys his bitches (I may or may not have a fic in mind with Rusty fucking Bobby and a virgin!female!reader together in his barn and then kind of adopts them as his new pets).

• “No rush, no rush.” — #2 I can see him saying this in bed when you get all worked up and need a minute to calm down.

• This interview with Rusty — #2 I turned the brightness up and at some parts you can tell Rusty is smiling and he looks so precious even though he’s talking about killing people.

• The way Rusty’s hands shake when giving Bobby the dice — #2 I imagine that they shake when he gets really excited so it also happens when he’s getting ready to fuck you and he has to grip/hold something to get them to stop.

• “Get wet for me.” — #2 You don’t have to tell me twice, Rusty.

• “Where you at, baby?” #3 — *wheezes* I’M RIGHT HERE

• “I don’t party, little girl.” #3 — Because you’re old and miserable?

• When Rusty moves the hair out of Jewel’s eyes when he’s demanding her to plead on video. #3 — He should have kept her alive so he could have her all to himself. Imagine Rusty stealing not just your car (ironic in itself) but also your girl too.

• “Anyone out there know a Candy Cane?” — #1 This man spent all day looking for someone who stood him up and I can’t be certain if he was mad or not when he was asking for her the second time, but I am pretty sure he fell in love over the radio and my heart can’t take it because it was all a prank. He just wanted to find his Candy Cane :(

• “I’m not sure I’d be what you’d expect.” — #1 He’s so shy and awkward and probably has a praise kink. BUT when he starts getting comfortable enough, he’ll take control and have you coming undone.

• “What room?” #1 — I don’t know if Ted meant to do this or if I am hearing things but it really does sound like Rusty’s voice gets huskier when saying this because he can’t fucking wait to meet Candy Cane alone in a motel room and you damn well know he stood there fiddling with the bag carrying the champagne because he was so nervous.

• Rusty’s hand veins.

• His character as a whole makes the brat in me want to come out. Totally have not pictured myself getting punished by all three Rustys at the same time because Matthew, Mark, and Ken can GET IT.

• All three versions of Rusty are big boys and if you’re into big boys then you would love Rusty Nail. He’d keep you so warm and safe and would kill anyone who looked at you wrong. Literal poster boy for ‘hates everyone except you’.

[betweenthings2]

²⁾ seven stitches 🥺

Thank you for the ask!! The January prompt list is here is anyone else wants to see it =)

January prompt 2- seven stitches

Content warning for discussions of suicide and self harm

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that?" George says, turning to look at Matty as they sit in the plastic chairs of an emergency department waiting area.

Matty stares down at the blood soaking through the gauze around his wrist. He doesn't have anything to say. George is right. He needs stitches, but he's not about to bleed out and there's been a car accident that takes precedent over Matty's stupid decision.

"I'm serious," George insists. "You've, god, you've done a lot of dumb shit, but this is by far to dumbest. Fuck."

Matty doesn't say anything.

"I'm serious. Fucking say something, Matty."

"What do you want me to say?" Matty asks. He doesn't look up at George, doesn't want to feel the upset radiating off of him, doesn't want to see the anger he's caused.

"Something! I want you to acknowledge something!"

Matty hunches his shoulders and keeps staring his wrist. "'m sorry," he whispers.

Before George answers, a nurse calls Matty's name.

Matty gets up and goes to follow the nurse, but George catches his hip and asks, "Do you want me to come?"

"Are you gonna yell at me or keep being mad?" Matty asks. "Nevermind. Just, I'll be fine." And then he goes, leaving George sitting in the hard, uncomfortable plastic chair.

He follows the nurse back a gurney screened off by curtains. There's another plastic chair and the nurse promises that someone with be with him in a minute. She also tells him that George can come be with him, but Matty declines, so the nurse leaves. He hadn't meant this. He just, he was curious if he could, what it would be like, so he tried. It isn't his fault that the razor slipped and gone a little deeper than he meant. It isn't his fault that he needs stitches now, but maybe it is. He hadn't expected George to be quite so upset though.

A doctor is along before long, brusque and businesslike. He doesn’t ask any questions about what happened or how Matty's doing, just gives instructions. He is gentle, though, in injecting anesthetic and cleaning the wound, horizonal across Matty’s forearm and deeper than he meant it to be, much deeper. He gives it a look and makes a comment about a clean cut, then stitches it up with no other comments.

Matty ends up with seven stitches in his forearm, black thread stark against his pale skin. The doctor wraps white gauze around Matty's wrist when he's done, securing it with white paper tape, then pats him on the shoulder and tells him the stitches will dissolve in a couple weeks and that he'll need to keep it clean, dry, and wrapped until then. Matty just nods, not really absorbing the instructions. He's sure they'll be in the discharge paperwork.

Matty waits another few minutes for the nurse to come back. He wishes he'd let George come back with him, because even if George is angry, Matty wouldn't be alone. He's not sure what he was trying to do. He's just empty and miserable all the time and he was curious. Curiosity is no good for him, apparently.

The nurse takes longer than Matty expected, but not that long, and when she comes back, it's with discharge paperwork. It takes Matty three signatures and two promises that Matty really wasn't trying to hurt himself (even though he was) and then he's free.

George doesn't say anything when Matty returns to the waiting room, just hands him his coat and leads him back out to the car. Matty doesn't say anything either, just follows, head down, coat pulled tight around his body.

George doesn't start the car immediately when they get in, just turns to Matty and asks, "How many stitches?"

"Seven." Then, "I'm sorry." He pauses again, then, "Why are you so upset?"

"You tried to kill yourself!"

"I didn't-"

"You tried to kill yourself, Matthew! Or at the very least, hurt yourself, in our house! And you didn't even call me! Or text me!"

Matty wasn't trying to kills himself, he really wasn't, but he's annoyed, so he responds with, "Should I have done it the street, then? A hotel room? Maybe Hann's or Ross's so you didn't have to see me struggling? Fuck you for, for not-" Matty cuts himself off with a choked back sob. "I didn't mean to."

George softens and sighs. "I'm sorry."

Matty doesn't say anything. He's the one who should be sorry. He's the one who fucked up.

"I shouldn't have been mad," George says. "I was just, scared half to fucking death. There was all that blood and you standing there like, like, I dunno, but fuck, Matty."

"I know."

"I mean it."

"I wasn’t trying to kill myself," Matty mumbles.

"Then what the hell were you trying to do? You don't do that. Do you?"

Matty shakes his head. "No. I'm, I'm not doin' ok, though, G."

"I'm sorry I didn't see that. You're hard to read sometimes, too good at hiding things like this. I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," Matty mumbles. "Can we go home? Please?"

George nods and starts the car. "Yeah. You wanna pick up takeaway on the way home?"

Matty shakes his head. "I really just wanna go to bed."

"Ok," George agrees. "Home it is." He pauses, looking at Matty before he pulls out of the parking spot to say, "I'm sorry and I love you more than anything. I adore you and I'm sorry."

"Me, too," Matty agrees, resting his head against the window. "Me, too."

[seducemefanficsandheadcanons]

I got a fanfic request

“It’s my turn, asshole” with Matthew (or Sam if he’s easier)

A silly fic about them fighting over who gets to use the XBox until they can get a second controller.

An optional idea would be to tell this from Matthews POV so you can write Aron from someone else’s perspective.

I love this prompt so much gwnrjnvkdri

So, I did this as Aron x Sam because it fit their dynamic so well.

literally P E R F E C T L Y.

I hope you love it! It's also posted on Ao3 and Wattpad

It's my turn, asshole. (Sam x Aron)

Sam sat on the couch, controller in his hand as he played Call of Duty. His eyes were narrowed on the TV, trying to focus hard on the game rather than Aron, who was sitting beside him. 

She was wearing large, light blue baggy jeans that were surely a size or two too big, with a dark blue baby tee. Her purple hair was in two Dutch braids with some hair hanging loosely in the front along with her bangs. Sam was all too aware of her closeness, their arms slightly brushing when he moved.

Sam was gritting his teeth as the round was about to end, not letting Aron distract him too much. Finally, the round ended, revealing Sam’s team as the winner and him as MVP. He cheered in triumph, making Aron giggle softly and congratulate him. The laughter sent flutters to his heart, almost like a palpitation. Except, weren’t palpitations supposed to hurt? This feeling was anything but painful. If anything, he craved it.

As Sam started to set up the next round, Aron spoke. “Hey, can I play?” she asked curiously.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “Sure, the other controller should be by the console.”

Aron stood up and walked over there as Sam started to set up for split screen, watching her out of the corner of his eye as she walked. He turned his attention back to the screen, feeling a bit aggravated with himself at having these feelings. 

Before he could think too hard on it, Aron came back and sat beside him, starting to turn the remote on. To her dismay, it wouldn’t work. “What the fuck?!”

“What is it?” Sam asked gruffly.

“This stupid remote won't work,” Aron grumbled.

“It’s a controller, Doofus,” he said, making her turn and give him a pointed glare. If looks could kill, he’d be dead. Sam chuckled, knowing she wasn’t truly mad, this was just how she acted. “Just go get new batteries.”

“I should make you go get the batteries, since you wanna be a smart ass,” Aron grumbled as she stood up.

He barked out a laugh. “Right, like you could make me do anything.”

“I bet I could,” he heard her retort, but she was gone to the kitchen before he could argue.

Over the next ten minutes, Aron tried out three different sets of batteries, and not a single one of them could make the controller turn on. Finally, she huffed and threw herself down on the couch, giving up.

Sam felt a little disappointed as well. Honestly, he wanted to play the game with her, so he came up with another solution. He offered that they take turns, unless you win, then you get a second turn. After two rounds, even if they win, they have to give up the controller. That way no one gets left out while the other is on a winning streak, which Sam was obnoxiously confident he would be the one with the most wins.

They both were winning pretty consistently, handing the controller back and forth as they played. After a few rounds of this, Sam finally lost.

“This is bullshit! They’re cheating!” he exclaimed.

“It’s computers,” Aron laughed.

“Shut up! It’s not funny,” he told her.

“No, it is funny,” she countered. “Seeing you scream at computers for cheating is very funny, actually.”

He grumbled under his breath, starting to set up the next round. Aron furrowed her brows. “Yo, it’s my turn. What are you doing?”

Sam froze for a second before blushing in embarrassment, like he’d just been caught doing something he wasn’t supposed to be doing. Aron snickered as she took the controller, starting her round. Much to his dismay, she won the round. When she started to set up another round, he spoke. “It’s my turn, asshole.”

“It’s literally not,” Aron countered with a giggle, making him huff and lean back in defeat.

Even though he pretended to be irritated, he was enjoying spending time with her. As she played, he found himself watching her rather than the game. He didn’t know why, but something about her drew him in, like a moth to a flame. He felt almost entranced by the human girl. So much so that he didn’t notice when she’d finished her round and leaned back as well, holding the controller out for him. 

“Now, it’s your turn.”

[sergeifyodorov]

plz share the willy xenophobia discussion at your leisure i would love to read about it

Right. So.

Willy was drafted in 2014, a top-ten pick with legacy pedigree, and unlike the other two in Toronto's Big Three, took a little longer to develop -- Marner spent his D+1 in the OHL before coming up, Matthews made the team right away, but Willy spent time in the SHL and about a year and a half in the Marlies before joining at the end of the 15-16 season, after Marner was drafted but before Matthews was. Needless to say, expectations of him weren't quite as high, but he was firmly expected to be part of the Big Rebuild, too.

He's also Swedish. The first Europeans in the NHL were Swedish, and to this day the highest proportion of non-North Americans is Swedish. However, in order to understand the Swedes, we have to talk about the Russians.

The 1972 Summit Series is probably the most important single event in the history of hockey -- eight games, the first true best-on-best in the world, since the NHL and the Olympics have always had a fraught relationship and they weren't allowed to attend. If we really wanted to talk about the Summit Series, we could be here for years, but, the point: on this particular world stage, it was finally understood that Europeans -- Russians, but everyone else, too -- played a different style of hockey, one that emphasized a side-to-side possession-based game instead of the Canadian dump-and-chase style. The Euro style involves far less checking. And less fighting.

North American (largely Canadian, but nonetheless) hockey has always had a culture of hypermasculinity around it, and this relative lack of violence, as well as pre-existing stereotypes of the time, gave the impression that Europeans were "soft."

Back to Willy. Go back to look at draft-era Willy, before he learns how to grow facial hair -- not Mitch's baby face, but not Auston's full-grown jawline. A layer of puppy fat that disguises all but the most defined of his muscles. Silky blond hair and a dopey smile. He dresses expensively, breaks into fits of giggles in interviews, doesn't seem to take anything as seriously as he should. Because this is Toronto, and we feel as if we are about to enter a new golden age, we expect the most out of our prospects -- solemnity, hard work, not a flaxen-haired nepotist idiot. Especially not a soft flaxen-haired nepotist idiot.

Willy Nylander, raised and trained on a different continent, doesn't hit much, preferring to carry his puck in than dump it. He's speedy, patient with a shot, would rather make a dangerous chance than one through three lanes of traffic. He doesn't fight, doesn't get mad, scores less when the team's really going, and he held out to the last possible moment in his RFA negotiations. Every single one of these drives people mad -- people here trailing all after Don Cherry.

If you're not familiar with Don Cherry, imagine the worst Leafs uncle you could possibly realize, give him opinions of similar attitude on the rest of the NHL, and then understand that he had a national platform for decades. Cherry, fervent nationalist that he is, touted the "tough" Canadian forechecking style, adored players who would walk off injuries -- never mind their lives afterwards -- and once expressed his disdain for visors (you know, the thing that... protects your eyes... and a lot of your face...) by saying that only the Europeans and Francophones liked them. (He also got kicked off of Hockey Night in Canada for anti-immigrant statements. Yee haw.)

Cherry hated Nylander the entire time, explicitly citing his Swedishness (and implying a lack of toughness, or winning quality, which he equated) as a reason that the Leafs would never win with him. Here's an article from right around draft day with Cherry's opinion -- he says the Leafs, should they choose to contend, should forgo Europeans and instead take Canadians. He also cites Ritchie's high penalty-minute count as a valuable item. (I don't know about you, but generally I think regularly putting your team on the penalty kill is a detriment, not a strength).

Furthermore, there's a poll at the end of this article asking the reader if they think Cherry was right. Most people think he was. He was hugely popular not only because he was a charismatic figure (I keep talking about him as if he's dead; he's not, just no longer working) but because his ideas were popular. People believed, and still very much do, that Swedishness is softness and that softness is bad. And as -- as a Leaf -- arguably one of the most visible Swedes in the NHL, one of those tasked with shouldering the weight of the most known franchise, Willy bore a lot of it.

I think part of the reason I didn't mention it in the original post was because unlike Mitch, Willy doesn't seem to let it get to him a lot -- he's a blissfully oblivious Barbie-doll idiot -- and, again, because expectations on him weren't quite as high. That being said, it's still important to discuss imho !

[anonymouse1312437]

Meet & Greet

~ Explicit! E is not for everyone! 18+ Only! 

 Minors DNI  

This contains fluff and Smut  

Please be nice I am just getting back into writing fanfics. I hope you enjoy! ~ 

Word count: 8,398 words  

Random Matthew Lillard Smut/fluff 

Today is the day I am going to meet my favorite celebrity. | can't wait to see this grown man. All of his work is impeccable. My favorite is when he played a secret serial killer. Ghostface. Scream is my favorite horror film. Stu Matcher. One of the best Ghostface in the series. He made a great William Afton. Matthew Lillard is by far my favorite male actor. The people in line before me waiting to meet the wonderful person started to quiet down. He must have arrived. 

"Hey everyone, I want the ones who are disabled or somehow on the spectrum to make their way to the front of the line" 

Matthew himself hollered. I saw a few people shift and move to the front of the line with nervous jitters. 

He truly is amazing. What a kind thing to do. I was in two other lines before, and they did not do that. The line moved somewhat quickly but, he tried his best to spend time with each person but, the staff continued to rush him. The closer I got to him I could tell he was getting increasingly frustrated. It was not with his fans but with the convention workers.  

"Next in line please.” A blonde angry looking woman said. 

I was almost at the front of the line. There were two people in front of me still. I was almost able to get an autograph and picture with him. So very close. 

"You know what, I need a break right now. I am getting very upset." I heard him say to a different staff member. 

"Alright everyone, Mr. Lillard is going to take a break. He will resume in an hour. sorry for the inconvenience." A parade of fans sighed. some of them got angry and stormed off. I, however, stayed put. The two people in front of me also stepped out of line. Making me the first person for when he returns. I did not want to wait another hour in line again if I could avoid it. I sat on the floor and took out my phone to play on it while I waited. I opened Tumblr and decided to read some of the fanfic others have written about him. 

Twenty minutes passed by and as I moved on to the next little story about him, I noticed it was a more explicit writing. I loved reading the smut about him. I managed to get through most of it and had gotten to the words, 

"And he growled and moaned into my ear as he thrusted into me harder as he filled me with his cum.” As someone cleared their throat behind me. Great, this is slightly awkward. I locked my phone and set it on my lap. 

I looked behind me and followed the tall figure up to the head of the person behind me and my jaw dropped open. It was him. Matthew Lillard. Shit. How long was he standing there? I started to feel my cheeks get warm. I am so embarrassed.  

"That looked like an interesting read." He said and smiled down at me. I don't think I can even form words right now. 

"I especially liked the ending." He chuckled. I smiled a little. I stood up and put my phone in my back pocket.  

"I couldn't be more embarrassed. Hey, my name is y/n." I smiled at him still blushing like a mad person. 

"Nice to meet you. Why don't you come sit over here at the table with me." He said. 

I followed him over to the table. 

"Is this allowed I don't want to get you into any trouble. I also don't want to impose or ruin your break." I said. I really do not want to take up his time to relax or embarrass myself more than I already have. 

"Don't worry. It’s fine. I have another forty minutes of free time and if I want to spend it with a friend I will." He said. Damn it! I was able to get my blushing under control finally and now I am blushing again. For being in my twenties my reactions don't act like it.  

"So, what is your favorite movie? " He asked.  

"Overall? Or something you were in?" I questioned. He gave me a big smile. 

"Overall." He kept the same smile on his face. 

"Okay I would say my favorite is a rom-com. 50 first dates. I think Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore make the best on screen couple even if the movie over all is incredibly cheesy. Now, my favorite horror movie would be Scream." I said proud of my answer.  

"That is a pretty good movie. Now, you don't have to throw the scream movie out there to boost my ego." He laughed a little.  

"Oh, I mean it. It's a good movie." I smiled at him. “I am sure you know that though. You happen to be my favorite actor.” I said sheepishly. He blushed a little.  

“Now you really are trying to boost my ego, aren’t you? No need to do that. I mean it’s nice but, you don’t have to.” He said with a smile.  

“I mean it’s the main reason I came to comic con this year. I was not going to if I did not think it was going to be worth it. Meeting you definitely made it worth it. I bought the tickets so last minute that I didn’t think I would get a chance to buy the photos with you. Sorry. I will try to calm down the super fan thing.” I said, trying to calm down the excitement. He just laughed lightly and tried to hide his blush, but it crept onto his cheeks.  

“Mr. Lillard, is this fan bothering you? Also, it’s only about five minutes until the signings and photos start back up.” The blonde angry looking lady said.  

“No, they are fine. They are not bothering me. That is quite all right thank you for the five-minute warning.” he said, smiling at her and she walked off. “It’s really all right. It happens by the way. I’m kind of used to it. Eventually the shock of it will wear off. I’m just like you in many ways, I’m sure. Just a different job is all.” He said. I’m sure he is trying to ease my comfort but, that doesn’t help at all.  

“I don’t mean to pry but, are you feeling all right? It almost seemed like you were a bit frustrated which kind of sprang on the need for a break.” I said almost mumbling the last part.  

“Definitely a little frustrated. I don’t like to be rushed when meeting fans. You all paid a lot to do the autographs and photos and rushing it really is wrong. I don’t like it when the staff pushes people to rush. It’s also how people get hurt and I really don’t want that.” He said. “Time flies though when you have someone nice to talk to. Even if they are fanning over you. Mind if I ask how old you are?” He questioned me.  

“I am twenty-five. I guess I'm still technically in my prime but, you know how life goes. I don’t exactly act like it.” I smiled. “Maybe I should get out of your hair. You are going to get busy again. I am feeling a little selfish right now because I definitely got more time than I should have with you.” I smiled.  

“Well, wait. You also were in line for everything what did you want me to sign?” 

“Oh, I was going to have you sign on my arm if that’s okay?” I don’t want to creep him out but, I want to get it tattooed.  

“Are you planning to tattoo it?” He asked. Damn I know I am not the only one to think of it, but I don’t want him to say no. I also don’t want to lie to him either. I nodded my head and he smiled at me again.  

“Alright. That’s definitely some pressure then. I cannot mess it up.” He laughed louder. I held out my left arm and he started to look at the other tattoos on it.  

“Where did you want it?” He asked.  

“Right next to the semi-colon.” I smiled at him. He grabbed my arm and started to sign his name, so it was facing me. Once he finished signing his name, he stepped away from me.  

“And your picture?” He said. I pulled my phone out and pulled my camera up.  

‘Here let me see if you don’t mind.” He said holding out his hand to grab my phone. I let him have my phone and he started to take photos of us. He took like ten photos of the two of us and handed my phone back. I put my phone into my back pocket to make sure I didn’t lose it.  

“It was really nice talking to you today. Thank you for keeping me company. I appreciate it.” He said and pulled me in for a hug. I gave him a hug and pulled away.  

Oh, my goodness it was that amazing. Best day ever. I waved goodbye and walked off as I saw a bunch of people start lining up again for autographs and photos.  

I spent the next two hours going through the convention and buying some stuff from the vendors. After that I felt pretty tired and I had paid to stay in the hotel across the street. The Hyatt was a pretty nice hotel and subway was next to it but, there was also a bar within walking distance. I started to make my way to the hotel and went to check in at the front desk.  

I handed my card over to the receptionist and she verified that it was me and handed over my key card. I went up to my room 304 and opened the door. I stepped inside to the first hotel room I rented by myself. It was beautiful. It had a king bed. A beautiful white plush duvet and fluffy pillows on the bed. A nice flat screen TV on a dresser and lamps that hung off the wall. It was beautiful. I walked over to the bed and plopped down on it. I know my house is only 30 miles away but, this was a great idea. I love a stay cation. I just laid on the bed ignoring the world for twenty minutes before finally taking my phone out of my pocket and opening up the gallery. I started to flip through the pictures from today and after a few minutes got to the ones Matthew took of the two of us. He was so tall. So very handsome. He still looked similar to when he was working on five nights at Freddy’s. The black hair, his salt and pepper beard. The mustache. It was all there. He looked like he was muscular. The hug only confirmed how he has the perfect amount of muscle but wasn’t ridiculous. He didn’t have abs but he doesn’t need them. He is perfect the way he is. Fuck me. I push myself off of the mattress and stand back up. I open my backpack and pull out a couple of outfits. What do I want to wear tonight?  

My options are a black skinny Jeans and a crop top. Or shorts and a t-shirt. Both go great with my tennis shoes. I have two extra pairs of socks and some boots in my bag as well. That was fun taking this through the security check. I’ll decide later. I am just going to shower really quick and rinse off and then I’ll get ready to go grab something to eat.  

I pull my hair tie off my wrist and put my hair up. I walk into the bathroom and turn the shower on. I made sure to put it on hot water and grabbed the wash rag the hotel provided and the body wash. I got undressed and stepped inside of the shower. I started to wash myself and then I remembered about his autograph on my arm. Shit. Shit. Shit. No. God damn it. No!  

I looked next to my semi colon and half of it was already washed off. Fuck me. That really sucks. I meant to not get that part wet and I messed it up. How fucking dumb of me. I finished up the shower with tears rolling down my cheeks. That fucking sucks. I mean I still have the memory of today but, that won’t last forever. The tattoo was going to last forever.  

I guess it will be fine. I got put of the shower and dried off. I went back over to the bed and reached for the t-shirt and shorts. I put on a new pair of socks and put my shoes on. I took the hair tie out of my hair and shook it out. My curls came back to life. I hated makeup so I opted to not wear any tonight. I think I look better without it anyway. I grabbed my phone off of the bed and slid it into my back pocket and grabbed my wallet and slid that into my other back pocket. Alright time to go to the bar. I need a drink after washing off the autograph like an idiot. 

I made my way out of the hotel and walked a block away to the bar. Once I walked in I heard the music faintly in the background. It was I want to rock and roll all night by kiss. I could karaoke to this song if I was drunk enough. I made my way over to the bar and sat down on a stool. I waited for the bartender to make their way over to me.  

“Is this seat taken?” Someone poked me on my right shoulder and gestured to the right of me.  

“Not at all.” I said. He was handsome. He was pale and slender. Had blue eyes and dirty blonde hair. He looked like he was around my age.  

“My name is Daniel. Can I buy you a drink?” He said.  

“Hey I’m y/n and I don’t see why not.” I said with a smile. He gestured to have the bartender come over.  

“I would like a vodka soda and she would like-“ He motioned to me.  

“I would like a whiskey please.” I said and Daniel looked at me with a smile. The bartender nodded and walked off to make us our drinks.  

“Wow a strong drink and not a mixed drink. That’s pretty hot. I’m not going to lie to you.” I smiled at his comment.  

“Thank you. I like my drinks strong. Helps get rid of any mistakes I might make or have made.” I said as my drink was handed to me by the bartender. Daniel handed the bartender his card and quickly paid for the drinks.  

“Hey do you mind if I sit next to you?” I heard someone say. There is a familiarity  to this person’s voice.  

“Yeah sure.” I said again refocusing my attention to Daniel.  

“You here by yourself tonight?” He asked me. I don’t want to say yes. He seems nice but, I don’t get a great feeling from him.  

“No my friend is just in the bathroom. She should be here any moment with her boyfriend and his friend.” I said.  

“Oh so like a double date?” He asked.  

“Yeah I guess you could say that.  

“Oh okay, well I will get out of your hair then. Sorry.” He said. I smiled as he made his way away from me.  

I drank the rest of the whiskey and was getting ready to flag the bartender over but the person on my left flagged them down and ordered a bourbon.  

"Do you mind topping off this young woman's drink.” He added and pointed to me. 

"Oh thank you for doing that I could have done that. " I said and finally looked at who sat next to me. It took a minute for my brain to register that it was Matthew Lillard. 

"Decided against getting it tattooed huh?" He said with a slight smile. 

"No, believe me I was upset when I realized I forgot that it was there and half of it was gone already. I was going to try and go back to your panel tomorrow to see if you could autograph it again." I said and looked down at my wrist. 

"Well here." He grabbed my wrist and pulled a marker out of his pocket and signed next to my semi colon again. He added a small heart next to it and that made me smile big. My cheeks got red as I started to blush. 

"I knew that was gonna make you blush!" He laughed and I grabbed my face in an attempt to hide my cheeks.  

"Stop it. I never blush and today I just can’t stop. I only ever blush if I think someone is extremely attractive.” I threw that in there to see if he would also blush and it worked. He was blushing and it was really cute to see. I pulled my hands away from my face. 

"Now we are even!" I smiled at him. The bartender came back and handed us our drinks. I pulled my wallet out of my back pocket and pulled out my card. I started to hand it to the bartender but Matthew pushed my hand down and offered the bartender his card.  

"Absolutely not. Let me pay. Including your drink." I said. 

"No way. I don't mind buying. You have managed to make what was going to be a rather frustrating day to a good day. This is my way of thanking you.” He smiled saying every word. 

"Well, thank you. Have you eaten dinner yet?" I asked. I really hope he says no. I would like to eat up my time with him, 

"I have not. I don't know what's around here outside of the subway next to my hotel." He said and I couldn't hide my blush or smile. "Well that and it's hard to enjoy a night out without people stopping and asking to take a picture with me." He added. 

"Well it might be a little forward of me but, if your open to it maybe we could order something and hang out at my hotel." I immediately felt like a creep. "I'm sorry I just thought that it would be private so you wouldn't have to deal with everyone else. I understand how creepy I must sound. I am really sorry.” I said and started to drink my whiskey again. 

"I actually would like that. That is if it's still an option." He said downing the rest of his drink. I sat therein shock. He said yes. Did I leave anything embarrassing out? I don't think I did. 

“Yeah let's go then. But, I get to pay for dinner." I said and saw him smile. I stood up and put my wallet in my pocket and double checked that my phone was still in my pocket. I made my way out of the bar with him following me. He stepped to the side of me and walked in tandem with me.  

"What did you want to eat?" He asked me. 

"I am up for anything what would you like to eat?" I asked. 

"I could also go for anything. Subway is right there we can go order really quick and take it there.” He offered. 

"Sure." I said and walked with him into subway. As we heard the chimes from he door one of the workers looked up from their phone. It was an hour until closing so it makes sense that they are not busy and have been on there phones. 

"Hello what can I get started for you today?" The worker asked. He motioned for me to go first.  

"I would like a six inch sub on italian herbs and cheese with pepper jack cheese toasted please." I said and she started to make the sandwich and put it in the toaster. 

"And for you Sir?" She asked Matthew. 

"I will just get the same thing she is getting to make it simple.” he said and she nodded. 

"Are you sure? I am about to get a really bland sandwich." I mentioned. 

"Yeah it will be fine." He said. 

Once the toaster was done I added ham and turkey, mayonnaise and mustard and that was it. She made sure both sandwiches were made the same way and walked us down to the checkout.  

"Alright did you want to add chips and a drink to your order today?" she asked. 

"Yes two large drinks and two chips." I said and walked over to the chip shelves they have and grabbed some of the cool ranch doritos and looked back at him to see what he wanted and he motioned for the same chips. I turned back around to grab the chips when I heard her ask him if it was going to be cash or card and he responded with card. When I turned around I quickly moved to his side and bumped him out of the way lightly. I pulled out my wallet and grabbed my card and used the tap to pay and put my card away. Matthew sighed and put his card back in his wallet. He grabbed the sandwich bag with our chips and I grabbed the cups. 

"What would you like to drink?" I asked him. He looked over his options for a moment. 

"A sprite is fine.” He said.  

I filled up both of our cups with ice and sprite and we headed out of the store. I walked him to the hotel next door and walked over to the elevator. He followed behind me. 

"This is your hotel?" he asked while looking at me. 

"yes it is why?” I asked. 

"This is also my hotel for the next couple of nights." He said. 

"That is pretty cool. At least when you get sick of hanging out with me it won't be a long walk to your hotel." I smiled. 

"I am sure I won't get sick of you.” He added. 

Well shit. That made me blush again. I hope he doesn't ditch me too soon. If I am Iucky he won't ditch me at all tonight. Once the elevator doors open up on the third floor I walk us over to my door. He grabbed one of the drinks from my hand in order to help me free up my hands to get my key card. I got my wallet out of my back pocket and opened it up and grabbed my key card. I tapped it on the door and it unlocked. I stepped into the room holding the door open for him.   

“Wow. It’s nice in your room. I mean it's nice in mine too but, I guess I just expect it to be different some how and it's not." He said. I giggled at his observation and sat on the bed and sat the drink on the end table. I grabbed the remote and turned the TV on. I flipped through the channels on the TV until I found a movie. It was Blended. Another good Adam Sandler movie.  

“Is this okay?” I asked him.  

“Yeah that’s a good movie. I have seem it many times and it makes me laugh every time.” He said still standing up. I pat the bed next to me as an indication to come sit down and he moved to that side of the bed and set his drink down on that end table. He sat the bag of food next to me and sat on the bed. He bent over and undid his shoes and then moved to lean against the headboard and propped his feet up on the bed. I grabbed the bag and handed him a sandwich. I pulled out my sandwich and opened it up. I took a bite and realized that maybe eating subway was a bad idea. I wrapped the sandwich up and put it on the end table. I took a drink and moved the chips to the end table too. A few minutes into the movie he was rolling his sandwich paper into a ball and threw it towards the garbage. He managed to make it in but, left the chips on the end table. He took a drink of his soda and put it back on the end table. He moved a little closer to the middle of the bed which meant he was closer to me. I took another drink myself and set it back down. I readjusted myself closer to the middle of the bed without trying to touch him.  

“Was your day good at least?” He asked me.  

“Yeah it was actually pretty good. It’s actually been my first relaxing day in a while.” I said.  

“Well that’s good. If this was your relaxing day what is a normal day for you?” He asked looking at me.  

“Well I’m a accounting major so I am mainly in the books as a full time job and on my free time I’m an author. I switch between writing romance books and fanfiction if I’m truly bored or need something to get rid of the writers block.” I said and smiled.  

“Well your day job sounds a bit boring and hard and if you write for fun in your free time does that mean you have something published? Even if fanfiction is your answer that technically counts.” He said chuckling towards the tail end of that.  

“I just published my first book a month ago. I haven’t advertised it the way I should. I am supposed to start advertising it this week during one of my days off. But, I am a bit nervous because I used a lot of real life inspiration behind it. Which means it can go one of two ways with the public. My day job is not boring it’s just not for everyone I suppose. I’m a numbers person. I enjoy doing mathematical stuff all day. It’s actually a bit relaxing for me.” I said.  

“Wow, a nerd at heart then. You don’t find that a lot these days.” He said with a big smile on his face.  

“I love being a nerd. It’s my favorite. I mean don’t get me wrong if I’m not working or writing, I’m reading or playing games. I prefer board games and card games over video games but, some times I play those too. Or I crochet. Which has become another favorite past time. I’m sorry I babble a lot.” I say now looking towards my hands.  

“It’s really okay. It’s nice to hear that you not entirely crazy. You know liking math is something that makes you crazy. Everything else makes you human. Well I mean the fanfiction is questionable. Depends on what you write about.” He laughed a little bit.  

“I mean I write it all. I have no shame about writing inappropriate things. My romance book is a dark romance. It’s full of erotic scenes. Which is why fanfiction sometimes helps me get past my writers block.” I add a little more honestly.  

“So does that mean you have written about me? Or any of the characters I have played?” He asked and looked at me with a big grin. I couldn’t look at him. A smile crept onto my face and I tried to cover my face quickly but he saw me blush right away.  

“You have written about me.” He started to laugh a little harder. “Okay, now was it me or a character or yes like all of the above?” He asked and I felt my cheeks get even more red. “Oh its been all of them. Can I read one? Or even two? Please? I just want to see what your writing style is like.” He said and my jaw dropped and I let my hands fall from my face.  

“Oh absolutely not. I may enjoy writing it but, I could never imagine you reading something I wrote. I knew there was always a chance you might see it one day but, having you read it directly next to me? I think I will pass. Absolutely not.” I said laughing through it nervously.  

“Maybe you could read it to me then? Skip the parts you don’t want me to know?” He asked again this time batting his eyes.  

“That would be the entire thing. No way. I would rather you read them by yourself. I couldn’t read that out loud to you.” I noted.  

“Are you shy about what you wrote or is it that filthy?” He smiled a bit at me. “What character of mine do you write the most about?” I know who I have written about more than enough times to tell him but, what does that say about me? Yes Stu might be my favorite but when writing scenes it’s always William afton. Something about the depiction is the best. Do I say it? Do I not? Oh my God. I think I’m going to say it.  

“If it’s not you as yourself then I guess it would be William Afton. Stu Matcher may be my favorite but writing wise it’s gotta be William Afton.” He laughed a bit at my response. 

“I am already embarrassed as is. You don’t have to laugh too.” I started to laugh myself to try and hide my blush but, it fails. I shrink back into the bed and hide my face with my hands and rest my head on the pillow.  

“Don’t be embarrassed everyone has their preference. But what is it about that character? Or me? Like what vibe do you get that you write about? I want to know if it’s accurate to what actually happens with me.” He asked.  

“I would say with you if your talking about the dynamic and style I would say your adaptive to your person. What ever they want you want to give them. So if the person your with wants a rough ride you give it to them or if they want soft or a mix that’s what you do. Now William I see him being more of a dominating person. The man that says get on your knees and take it or I’m going to make you take it kind of person. I don’t know I guess that’s what kind of vibe I get.” I say. I stand up and take my wallet and phone out of my back pocket and set it inside the drawer of the end table. I don’t need it right now anyway. I bent down and took off my shoes while I was at it and sat back on the bed next to him. My leg brushing against his leg.  

“You are so fucking tall. Your legs alone are a half a foot to a foot longer than mine.” I giggled.  

“Or you are just incredibly short. What are you 5’5?” He laughed and started to focus on the TV a bit more.  

“I wish I am 5’3 that two inches is much necessary for my height. It would make a difference to have an additional two inches somewhere.” I laughed and quickly realized how that must have sounded.  

“Oh god that sounded awful.” I started to laugh a bit too hard at my own wording. He started to crack up and patted my leg when he started to calm down. If only he had hit my thigh a little further up. The skin contact is much wanted.  

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get physical with you.” He said as he pulled his hand from my leg.  

“I didn’t mind one bit.” I said with a little grin on my face.  

“Alright missy. Calm down now. If I don’t get to read one then I’m not trying to create one.” He said and I immediately turned red. What did he just say? If he doesn’t get to read one then he isn’t trying to create one? Uhm yes please. I don’t know if he is teasing me but, maybe I can do it back and see how far it goes. 

“Oh don’t tempt me like that. I know when to stop being embarrassed and show off my writing when I’m threatened with a good time.” I smiled and looked towards the TV.  

“Then let me read one if you think you can do that.” He said and smiled towards the TV. I turned towards the end table and pulled my phone out. I unlocked it and opened up my tumblr and went to my latest fanfic about him and handed him my phone. It was a William Afton based one so this should be interesting. He grabbed my phone and started to read it. He is kind of like me in the sense of how ling it takes to read something. It took a minute before I saw him scrolling down. The ending is more or less the filthy part of it. The choking, gagging, ass smacking and grabbing. The bruising every aspect of it was utter filth. I enjoyed writing it. He started to shift a little as he was reading parts of it and I am trying my best to not stare at him while he reads. I kept trying to focus on the scene on front of me when Drew Barrymores character is putting makeup on the little blonde girl. He cleared his throat next to me so I looked out of the corner of my eye and saw he was towards the bottom already. He shifted again pulling at a pant leg. Almost like a readjustment but I didn’t want to assume. I started to get antsy because I knew he was done with the one at this point but he clicked off of that and started to read a second one. This one I knew was Stu Matchers. That one was a bit darker and more sadistic in nature. That one was bound to be more of a red flag about me if anything. A few more minutes pass before I look over and this time I notice him reading one about himself that I wrote. No character needed or necessary. It was just him. Being a rough person from behind and getting more adventures. He cleared his throat again before handing me back my phone.  

“I would say you definitely have a way with words. They are pretty good. I would also say you have the characters nearly spot on with what I think they would like. It’s interesting to know that I can convey it that way without having to I guess show it in that way.” He said again shifting and letting one of his legs off of the best and sitting himself further up.  

“Are you okay? You seem a bit restless?” I asked him.  

“Yeah I am fine. It’s just those were very detailed.” He said hiding a blush.  

“Oh so are you? I mean never mind.” I started to laugh. Uh oh. I did warn him I write that sort of material so this is his own fault. I looked over and his eyes were closed and he looked like he was trying his best to subside this new feeling in the room. I looked back at the TV and thankfully it was at another funny part so I started to laugh and put my hand on his thigh. I have seen this movie plenty of times to know even though it is funny I wouldn’t actually be laughing anymore. I felt the muscle in his thigh tighten and I gave it a light squeeze and just lightly pulled my hand off of his thigh.  

Once my hand left his leg he stood up. I pressed my luck to far. I knew it. Shit. He is going to bail. I should have left it as is. We were having a good time.   

“Please don’t start this. Don’t actually start this. It’s been awhile for me and I’m an incredibly lonely man in that sense. I am eating up all the attention you are giving me right now and you are half of my age. I have been alone for awhile now. All of my stuff is public so I am sure you know that I am completely alone and this attention. Yeah I’m loving every part of it but, of you start and I lean into it please don’t take it back.” He said looking at me talking with his hands. I saw the veins in his neck tighten a little and he was shifting his weight between his feet almost like he was rocking himself. I stood up and got close to him. I was only an arm distance away from where he was standing and I closed the gap.  

“I didn’t mean to start it but, I would really like to continue if you let me. I’m sure as hell not going to want to stop either.” I said reaching out for him. He was in a standard  black t-shirt and washed our blue jeans. I started to play with the hem of his shirt while looking at the bottom of it. I wanted to try and take his shirt off of him but, before I could I felt his right hand touch my neck. He added a little force to the back of my neck and pulled me the rest of the way toward him and looked down towards me and forced my head to look up towards him. He closed the gap and leaned down and kissed me. It wasn’t something cheesy. It wasn’t magical it was full of lust and desire. Right in this moment he wanted this as badly as I did.  

He let his tongue slowly glide against my bottom lip and I opened my mouth a little more for him. He deepened the kiss a little more and his left hand started to rest on my waist. I felt a little pressure coming from his left hand and realized the was trying to push me backwards towards the bed. I kept my footing and again made an attempt to take his shirt off again. This time I was more successful. He pulled away from me and pulled his shirt over his head. He reached for my shirt and pulled it off of me. He closed the gap between us again and started kissing me again pulling at the button on my shorts. He managed to get the button undone and he attempted to push them down around my hips but I stopped him. I pushed him away from me slightly and pulled my shorts off myself. while I was down there I also took off my socks. In a swift movement I fell down onto my knees and undid his pants and pulled them down to his ankles and he kicked them off along with his socks. 

| pulled him closer to me and slowly ran my fingers up his thigh and stopped both my hands when they got to his hips. I moved my right hand to his penis and gripped it at the base.  

"You don't have to- " He started to say but. I cut him off by lightly licking the tip of his cock and circling my tongue around the head of his penis. Wrapping my lips around the head once I was done enjoying the moan it pulled from him.  

"Fuck me.” He mumbled in a low moan. 

That's what is egging me on right now. What an amazing sound. I wonder what sound I will get from him when I do this. I slowly move my head in a back and forth motion and finally thrust my head forward and bury his cock down my throat making me gag a little as I get to the base of his cock. I ran my tongue out past my bottom lip and lick his balls as best as I can. A growl escapes the back of his throat and a moan follows as his hands rush to the back of my head holding it there. He is by no means a small or average sized man. I just buried at least eight to nine inches down my throat. 

“Fuck, fuck, okay" He said with a moan following each word. He finally released the grip from my head and reached for my arm and pulled me up towards him. He leaned down and started to kiss me again this time pushing me back into the bed. 

"My turn. Crawl up to the middle of the bed.” He said in a hushed tone. I immediately shifted my weight onto my arms and pulled myself to the middle of the bed and watched him follow.  

“Hand me a pillow.” He motioned for a pillow beside my head and I gave him one. He crawled between my legs and pulled my waist up and plopped the pillow under it and my ass. He got back off of the bed and laid directly in front of me on his stomach with his head between my legs. I didn’t prepare for this. I had stubble on my vagina. I was not prepared for it to have a conversation with anyone.  

 “Fuck you look so good.” He said. I thought I was going to swoon harder. Before I could give an honest attempt to try and stop him from dining in on my pussy he dove right in. He glided his tongue up against my labias and wrapped his lips around them biting them lightly. He repeated the motion a couple of times before running his tongue flat against my clit. I threw my head back at the feeling and a deep moan escaped from me. One I have never made before. He continued the three motions before humming against my clit and drawing circles and the alphabet on it. He bit down on my clit which felt so good I reached down and slid my fingers into his hair and held him at that spot to have him do it again.  

“Oh fuck. That feels really good." I said. Talking isn’t my strong suit during sex. He hummed against my clit again and I felt his left hand leave my right thigh. He nibbled on my clit again and started to push a finger in from his left hand. Fuck. I can tell how he has barely gotten to his first knuckle. He started licking and massaging my clit more as he got to his second knuckle and another bite when he got to his third knuckle. He thrusted that finger in and out of me until I could no longer feel every detail of his finger and then he added a second and went again. I felt dangerously close to an orgasm already. He started to move the two fingers inside of me in an up and down motion against the softer part of the top of my pussy. It felt like it was on the other side of my clit. That's a new feeling. 

"Fuck. Oh fuck." I said panting and moaning between each word. There is a lot of pressure building up against me right now. 

"Oh god. Fuck me." I can't stop whats about to happen. It feels like waves are crashing down. I get louder with the moans and I start to fell like I soaked my bed all of a sudden. What the fuck was that?  

"Fuck me that was so fucking hot.” Matthew said and crawled up so he was now hovering over me. He leaned down and started to kiss me again. 

" Damn it." He said. "I don't think I have a condom." He mentioned.  

"I don't have one but, I am clean and l have an IUD as birth control. I am not going to get pregnant. I'm good with this if you are.” I said and he looked at me. I can't read his expression right now. 

" If not I can go back to su- " I was in the middle of my sentence when he cut me off by kissing me again. He rested his weight on his left arm and lined himself up with my vagina. He slowly started to thrust into me and the thickness of his cock started to stretch me open. 

"Oh fuck." My eyes closed and my head fell further back onto the pillow. 

"Fuck you are so tight around me” He moaned out.  

I could feel the tip just barely get past the opening. As he thrusted further I could feel the veins on his cock. He kept going slow until I felt his balls against my ass and his head dropped down to my neck. He started to pull his cock out and when the tip felt the breeze from inside the room he thrusted himself inside the deeper and faster. He continued to be rough with me on my back.  

"Wait – Please wait." I panted out. 

"Can I get into a better position for this Please?" I asked. He crawled off of me and readjusted myself on all fours in front of him. I fucking love doggy style. I felt his hand lightly trace my ass before taking it off. I felt it come back down with force across it and a deep moan came out of me. He positioned himself back into me. Now resting his hands on my hips. He started to thrust forward into me but pulling my hips into him forcing his cock even deeper inside of me. I bit my lip to keep from screaming out.  

"Fuck you feel so damn good!" He said between thrusts. He moved his right hand to the small of my back and put his left hand into my hair and pulled me to sit up against him. 

“Who am I right now in your mind darling ?" He asked holding me against him.  

" You are you. Matthew." I said not really sure what he means. 

"Try again" He thrusted harder into me. Moving his left hand from my hair to my throat squeezing it. 

"Who are you fucking right now darling? Tell me." He said repeatedly slamming into me. His grip on my throat getting stronger. As he slams back into me his right hand snakes around the front of me and starts massaging my clit. Oh fuck he is hitting that spot again.  

"Tell me." He moans into my ear nibbling it. 

"William Afton." I say moaning it out. The last scene I wrote on the fanfic. I get it now. 

"It got me so hard." He thrusted into me again. The feeling coming back of a wave crashing was just a thrust away. 

"Lay on your back. I want to see what you look like when you squirt around my cock." 

He pulled out of me and I immediately laid on my back opening my legs for him. He quickly repositioned himself again and thrusted into me and found the right spot, He started thrusting against it hard and fast and within seconds I felt my toes curl.  Oh fuck. Oh god. I started to shake a little under him. 

"That's it. Squirt all over my cock." He moaned into my ear and bit down on my neck.  

"Oh fuck." I felt every gush leave my body. 

"Oh fuck yes. I am going to cum." He moaned into my ear his pace picking up. He moaned really loud and I started to feel every drop fill me up. I had a smaller orgasm at the feeling. I grinded a little against him to get the last bit of friction I so desperately wanted. 

"Oh god. That was amazing. Thank you."  He said and slowly pulled himself out of me hissing as it finally felt the cold air again. I can't believe that just happened. He rolled off of me and onto his back.  

I went to sit up but immediately felt sore. Fuck the button half of me hurts. 

"Let me help you." He said and got up. He walked into the bathroom and grabbed a new wash cloth and wet it. He brought it back into the room and wiped up the mess he made between my legs.  

"Fuck, that was cold." I said and laughed. He smiled and put the ray back in the bathroom but on the floor of the bathtub so it didn't make another mess. He walked back over to the bed and got under the covers next to me. 

“Would it upset you if I stayed a little longer?" He asked.  

"Not at all. Sleep here if you want. I am sleeping right here. I think you broke me so I am not moving." 

"So was that what you expected?" He asked rolling on his side to face me. 

"Oh it was a million times better. Best sex I have ever had. I didn't even know I was a squirter." I said and he smiled. He snaked his arm around me and pulled me up so my head was now on a pillow but even better I was cuddled up against his chest. 

"Get some sleep. I am going to wake you up to get coffee in the morning and you can hang with me for the day if you want." He said. 

“Sounds like its going to be another painful but wonderful day." I gave him a cheeky grin and he smiled back at me. 

"Goodnight" He said 

"Goodnight see you in the morning handsome." I said and saw him blush again before I fell asleep in his arms. 

~Hella Cheesy I know I am Just getting back into fanfic writing give me a break Please.~ 

[edwin-paynes-bowtie]

I'll Stare Directly at the Sun but Never in the Mirror: Literary Foils, Matthew Fairchild, and Alastair Carstairs

Hello, hello, and welcome to my academic dissection of two of my all-time favourite fictional characters. I, your fearless host, will be giving you insight into Matthew and Alastair as literary foils, the ways that their arcs mirror each other, and the ways that they're two sides of the same traumatised little coin.

So, without further ado, let's start with the basics. This post is super long, so it's going under a cut.

People in the World Like Us

It bears noting that Matthew and Alastair have several superficial similarities and differences,

One of these similarities is that they are both men who love men (MLM). Unlike Charles, who is deeply filled with fear and shame, both Matthew and Alastair seem to be comfortable with being bisexual and gay (respectively) as of 1903.

Alastair is not flashy about it. He's not formally out, but he's also hiding nothing. He's just 5'10, likes hedgehogs, has dark hair, is gay, and likes music. There's 0 shame, but there's also no advertising it.

Matthew is much flashier. He's very openly MLM, even if he is not formally out to those who are not close to him. He wears Oscar Wilde's green carnation, which is indeed simply a symbol of the aesthetic movement. However, it was also so heavily associated with MLM during the time period that it'd be a fairly clear tip-off to those with any perceptive skills whatsoever. He attends salons frequently associated with LGBT culture; he openly flirts with both men and women.

Alastair also seems to seek out long-term partnerships with Charles and then, later, with Thomas. (Huge upgrade!) Matthew, on the other hand, has casual relationships frequently.

These attitudes toward their respective sexualities also seem to parallel their personalities more generally as they are written in the text. Alastair is introverted and closed off; Matthew is extraverted and free-spirited.

I will discuss both of the above points more later.

However, for now, I find this more interesting because this is the first thing that Alastair says to Matthew in Nothing but Shadows:

"You new boys have barely been here five minutes, and all you can find to talk about is some mundane who got sent to prison for indecency?" "So you know Oscar Wilde too, Alastair?" Matthew asked. [...] "I know of many mundane criminals," Alastair Carstairs said in chilly tones. "I read the mundane newspapers to find hints of demonic activity. I certainly don't bother reading plays."

In fact, it's the first thing he says at all!

Alastair clearly is not yet comfortable with being MLM, though he does get there by Chain of Gold. Matthew, on the other hand, is visibly MLM. This immediately establishes a power dynamic between someone who is by all initial appearances a homophobic straight man and a flamboyant, visibly MLM character who needs to defend the idol who shares his sexuality.

It's at this point that Matthew gets visibly agitated and begins to defend Wilde, who was almost certainly bisexual like Matthew:

"Naturally. What use do sad, unimaginative little people have for plays?" he asked. "Or paintings, or dancing, or anything that makes life interesting. I am so glad to be at this dank little school where they will try to squeeze down my mind until it is almost as narrow as yours."

This begins a conflict that will escalate over the course of the series. The initial source of their contention stems from their different reactions to a quality that they share.

Mad, Wonderful, Colorful Things

This interaction does not just set up a conflict because Matthew is hurt at the barb about his sexuality. It also shows their relationships to art. That's what I will aim to unpack in this section.

Matthew is undeniably an Art aficionado. His constant obsessive discussions of Oscar Wilde are proof enough, but he does tend to talk about art spectatorship and appreciation for Beauty a lot as well. In Nothing but Shadows, he talks about his lack of artistic prowess, but says that he could 'spectate for England.' To this, James tells him that he could be an actor.

Matthew is, in and of himself, a work of art; he dresses himself up, values his stylish clothing, and affects a theatrical air in most social settings (to the point that he made his Grand Sober Debut in Chain of Thorns while dressed as Puck from A Midsummer Night's Dream.)

Matthew is enchanted with Downworld and with magic. He dances with the fair folk; he has seemingly had both friendships and sexual relations with multiple Downworlders. He attends poetry readings and artistic salons with these Downworlders, has put on performances at the Hell Ruelle before (with Kellington, who notes that they have recited poetry together).

Matthew openly- very openly- adores art in all of its forms. James casually notes that a sleeping Matthew looks like one of the cherubic, innocent paintings he adores in Chain of Gold. Matthew and art are inextricable.

But what of Alastair?

Alastair, too, admires art. He once played the piano, and he once sang ghazals. The difference is that while Matthew was encouraged by those around him to love the things he loved, Alastair quite literally had that beaten out of him while at school. Alastair eventually was so ashamed of his Persian heritage that he stopped singing ghazals (and dyed his hair to look like- you guessed it- Matthew's). He was treated so poorly that he completely disengaged with art in general despite deeply loving it.

(As an aside: I'm so glad that he has become more comfortable making music again. I really hope that he continues to nurture that as an adult in a safe and stable home).

In any case:

Matthew's artistic nature was nurtured; Alastair's was a casualty of abuse. This brings Alastair's comments about plays and Wilde's work to light a bit more - it is probable that there's a bit of deflection happening.

The specific targeting of plays is also interesting when you consider the following interaction:

“I know we’re supposed to avoid mundane things,” said Alastair, “but you must see this. It’s a film. A moving picture! This one is the latest. It’s called Le Voyage dans la Lune.”

Two years after graduating from the Academy, while on his travel year and away from Elias, Alastair was finally allowing himself to engage with art again. Intrinsically, it is clear that he still loved performances; he just closed himself off from this love to protect himself against abuse.

Tricks and Papas and the Circumstances of Your Birth

It's not a secret that Alastair was a bully in school, though it is critical to emphasize that he tried everything in his power not to be. This is true to the point of allowing himself to be physically abused by the other students for an entire year:

“When I got to school,” said Alastair slowly [to Thomas], the effort clearly costing him, “loose talk about my father had preceded me. Everyone knew he was a failure, and some of the older students decided I was an easy target. They… let’s just say that by the end of the first week, I had been made to understand my place in the hierarchy, and I had the bruises to remind me should I ever forget. [...] After about a year of being knocked around [...] I realized I could either become one of the bullies, or suffer for the rest of my school days."

When he told Cordelia about this in Chain of Gold, she inquired about why Alastair did not simply come home.

Coming home was, unfortunately, not an option for Alastair, as he faced abuse there as well. I could pick several Chain of Iron quotes, but I'll simply go with Chain of Gold's:

“Because I wanted you to have a childhood, a thing I never had. I wanted you to be able to love and respect your father as I never could. Every time he made a mess, who do you think had to clean it up? Who told you Father was ill or sleeping when he was drunk? Who went out and fetched him when he passed out in a gin palace and smuggled him in through the back door? Who learned at ten years old to refill the brandy bottles with water each morning so no one would notice the levels had sunk—?”

So, Alastair did everything he could so he would not need to go home to an abusive environment.

Matthew is, as usual, Alastair's equal and opposite reaction.

"Maybe it's the fact you have everything I want," Matthew snarled [to James]. "And you don't even seem to want it. [...] They will send you home any time you like," Matthew said. "They're trying to drive you away. And no matter what I do, they won't chuck me out. Not the Consul's son. [...] I want to go home, all right?" Matthew snapped. "I want to be with my father!"

The very reason that Alastair cannot go home is the reason that Matthew feels that he absolutely must.

Matthew later muses in Cast Long Shadows:

His papa was the best papa in the world, so Matthew had no opportunity to be cruelly oppressed or sadly neglected.

Matthew's love for his family and perception of them as a kind, nurturing presence makes it impossible for him to understand Alastair. This is true to the point that he empathizes with Elias in his obvious neglect of Alastair at the Academy, stating that if he had "an insufferable toad of a son, and were he blessedly to be sent away to school, [he was] not sure [he] could bring [him]self to blast [his] sight with his visage until the accursed holidays carried him back to [him] again.”

Like with Alastair's bullying being a survival response, it is important to note that Matthew does not have all the information here. And yet, it perpetuates the pattern: Matthew cannot conceptualize the idea of an abusive home.

The irony? Matthew himself is a parentified child, just as Alastair is (though, obviously, without the other layers of purposeful abuse). He just doesn't realize it. Look:

[Parentification] occurs when parents look to their children for emotional and/or practical support, rather than providing it. Hence, the child becomes the caregiver. As a result, parentified children are forced to assume adult responsibilities and behaviors before they are ready to do so. In addition, they do not receive acknowledgment or support for taking on these responsibilities. (Quote from Newport Academy)

And Matthew:

"I have put out fires on my own father's head. My mother is always busy, and Charles Buford is always running after her and acting superior. I'm the one who takes care of my father. I'm the one who listens to him. I didn't want to go away to school and leave him, and I've been doing all I can to get chucked out and go back."

Matthew behaved terribly, refused to do training exercises, and ultimately blew up a part of the school at least in part because he wanted to go back to this situation. Unfortunately, as he has been doing this all his life, it seems normal to him. He doesn't think of it at all beyond loving his father and needing to take care of him.

So Alastair has a terrible relationship with an abusive father. Matthew has an outwardly-great relationship with an absentminded but loving father that he himself does not realize he has a backwards relationship with. Combine that with his mother and brother always being negligent, and we don't have a recipe for a great home situation.

No one notices that there is a problem in either Matthew's or Alastair's case.

Anyway, this brings us to The Incident. Matthew, to Alastair:

“Has no kind soul thought to inform you that your hairstyle is, to use the gentlest words available to me, ill-advised? A friend? Your papa? Does nobody care enough to prevent you from making a spectacle of yourself?"

Matthew didn't intend to hit Alastair where it hurt, but he did nonetheless. Alastair is aware that his father does not love him, or at best has a destructive and abusive 'love' for him. He is aware of and understands his own abuse and parentification. He also understands that no one treats him with care, and Matthew hit the pain button hard.

It's in this moment that Alastair decides to strike Matthew back just as hard. He tells him that he is Gideon Lightwood's bastard, that Henry is not, in fact, his father. Matthew's relationship with Henry, whom he loves as a central tenant of his life, is seemingly called into question.

It is no surprise that he cannot forget. It is no surprise that he, an emotionally volatile boy who literally exploded a wing of the school because of the rage that he had at that comment, may take drastic action to ensure that Henry Fairchild was, in fact, his father.

You can read more on this here, but Alastair became a sort of scapegoat for Matthew after he unwittingly caused his mother's miscarriage. The reason for this is that he, Matthew, simply could not cope with such a heavy burden on his own.

And that's also when the drinking started.

A Noted Handler of Drunks

Alastair is the child of an alcoholic. We see the trauma this has caused him in the earlier quote about wanting Cordelia to have a childhood, but we also see the impact of this in his direct interactions with Elias in Chain of Iron. A couple of examples:

Elias looked at his son. He did not hold out his arms, as he had to Cordelia, but his voice was thick with emotion when he spoke. “Come and greet me, Esfandiyar,” he said. It was Alastair’s middle name. [...] Alastair didn't move.

[Alastair's] father’s face was beet red, and he seemed to have worked himself up into something of a lather. [...] He slammed his hand against the floor.

“Does he—” There was a sharp sound, as of something being knocked off a table, and then the familiar noises of Elias retching. Cordelia could hear Alastair telling James to go, that he would manage it.

But Alastair looked more than long-suffering. His gaze was focused on their father with a barely contained loathing.

This is, of course, far from all of them. We also get an entire Alastair PoV scene where he is grieving in a hard, cold way not only for Elias, but also for his own childhood:

Alastair stood in the parlor, staring blankly out the window at the house next door. He had been watching two little boys playing on the floor of their living room while their mother worked at her embroidery and their father read the newspaper. He could not help but hear his mother’s words as she’d wept, The child will never know his father. Lucky child, he’d said to Cordelia, but under the flippancy, there was a hard, cold sorrow, a sorrow that felt like a blade of ice cutting through him. It was hard to breathe around the loss.

And, as Cassie said at her 2020 St. Louis Chain of Gold panel, Alastair- the child of an alcoholic- has the same level of PTSD as a war veteran.

It is Elias who forced him to grow up at age 10. It is Elias who made him feel worthless. It is Elias who initially abused him, just as it was Elias who sent him off to Shadowhunter Academy to face more abuse. This school abuse was in large part because of Elias's own behavior as well as because of Alastair's brownness (that white Elias failed to consider despite his entire family being made up of PoC). And, as we established, it is Elias's fault that Alastair cannot go home.

Now, Matthew unfairly blames Alastair for something that is squarely the fault of the adult faerie that used him as a tool to try to assassinate the Consul. It is in this moment that Matthew begins his descent into alcoholism:

“That first night,” Matthew said, “after it happened, I took a bottle of whiskey from my parents’ cupboard and drank it. I was vilely sick afterward, but for the first few moments, when it dulled the sharpness of my thoughts and senses, the pain faded. Went away. I felt a lightness of heart, and it is that I have been seeking again and again. That surcease.”

This alcoholism is, in turn, triggering to Alastair, which we can see here (and in many other, smaller places throughout the series):

Alastair’s expression went flat. “You think I would be relieved to hear she’s with Matthew? You think I don’t know a drunk when I see one? Believe me, I do. If he puts Cordelia in harm’s way—”

This begins an endless cycle of conflict. Matthew is angry at Alastair and blames him for the thing that caused him to drink. Alastair is triggered by Matthew's drinking and behaves abrasively. Matthew gets drunker and more upset. Alastair gets more triggered. It is endless, and it's no wonder that they didn't get along.

But Matthew is not like Elias. Cordelia notes that he is not "bitter" as her father is; James notes that, unlike Matthew, Elias cannot handle his alcohol well. Matthew shows none of the aggressive, angry tendencies that Elias does.

And unlike Elias, Matthew eventually begins to do the work necessary to quit drinking. On his own, he:

Realizes that he cannot quit simply because he wants to

Decides and vocalizes that he has a problem that he should work on

Attempts to quit cold-turkey (and fails)

Agrees to drink Christopher's sedative, committing to doing better even though he knows it will be a painful and arduous journey that could literally kill him

All of these are wonderful things to be proud of Matthew for. However, he and his friends have no experience with alcohol withdrawal. Matthew's active propensity for self-harm also leads him to keep bottles to tempt himself, because he believes that he deserves the difficult journey. Because "the suffering is part of the punishment."

Alastair is the only person that could help him here. He has no obligation to, but he does, anyway.

“It isn’t really about seeming drunk, though, is it?” said Alastair, unbuttoning his coat. “My father had to drink, in the end, simply to seem normal.” “I am not your father,” said Matthew frostily. “You are much younger. You have been drinking a much shorter time. Your chances are much better.”

And, before pouring all of Matthew's booze out the window:

"Having all this here is like asking an addict to live in an opium den,” [Alastair] said. “You are never going to be able to drink casually. Alcohol will always mean something to you that it does not mean to other people. Getting rid of this stuff will make it easier. Why not have it be easier?”

This is the beginning of Matthew and Alastair burying the hatchet.

In a way, this makes sense. They are, at the same time, confronting the things that they hate most in the other. Alastair is tackling Matthew's alcoholism head-on despite his own trauma and triggers. Matthew is forced to view Alastair as a person as complex as he himself is, and one that is going out of his way to help him.

In this moment, Matthew is no longer just a drunk to Alastair, and Alastair is no longer a monster to Matthew. It is at this point that they can view each other just as men.

You've Lost Your Hat. I've Lost My Sister!

It's important that we take a look at both Matthew's and Alastair's relationship with the other one's sibling. Alastair secretly dates Charles Fairchild for years; Matthew harbors a desperate passion for Cordelia Carstairs and impulsively runs away with her. Both of these situations end in broken hearts.

Let's first talk about Charles and Alastair.

First, Alastair's birthday would be in the autumn of 1884; Charles' would be early 1879. This means that Charles is nearly 6 years older than Alastair.

I want to preface this by saying that we have received conflicting information regarding this relationship from Clare and from the Shadowhunter canon. She has said that Alastair did not acquaint himself with Charles until 1902, when he was around 17 and Charles was 23. However, she also once said that Alastair picked up the habit of reading mundane papers from Charles, which he was doing in Nothing But Shadows. At this point, Alastair would have been 15 and Charles would have been 21. Charles also says "after these years" in Chain of Gold, so they were obviously together for over a year.

This means there are three possibilities:

Charles and Alastair got together when they were 22/23 and 17 (best case scenario, still gross)

Charles and Alastair got together when they were at most 21 and 15 respectively, which is when Alastair got the habit of reading the papers

Charles and Alastair knew each other when Alastair was 15, likely younger, but did not have sex until they were 22/23 and 17 respectively

None of these situations are ideal.

Charles also is extremely wealthy; he is the son of the current Consul; he is in a powerful political position as the next Consul; his family is not intentionally abusive and would not reject him; he is white; he is well-loved.

Alastair has none of these privileges. He is the son of a disgraced drunk; his family is in a lot of debt (though they do own Cirenworth); he is brown and treated poorly for it; he is very young; he is vulnerable because he comes from an abusive household; his life has very little love and joy in it. He is also gay and probably did not meet any other MLM until Charles showed up.

The relationship itself also appears unhealthy. Charles becomes extremely angry in Chain of Gold when Alastair privately says he loves him, yelling at him never to say that. Alastair immediately asks him why he has come to him if not for sex, making it pretty clear that Charles primarily (if not exclusively) values Alastair for sex. Charles left Alastair alone in Paris to gallivant around by himself and later with Thomas. Charles did not communicate with Alastair about his engagements and placed the blame on him for not taking a bride and not understanding the world.

It does a number on him. We see this in the fact that he becomes physically ill when he looks at Charles in Chain of Iron. We also see this in his future insecurities with Thomas.

In Chain of Thorns, Thomas literally confesses his love to Alastair in multiple languages, has sex with him, sleeps next to him all night, and opts to hang out with him the next day during the battle. Not 12 hours later, Alastair asks Thomas if he actually likes him, saying (to Thomas's reassurance that he cared) that

"'[That] was the sort of thing Charles always said. ‘I care for you, I have feelings for you.’ Never just ‘I love you—’ "

But luckily, Thomas loves all of Alastair, not just the 'palatable' parts. Thomas loves Alastair as he deserves to be loved.

Charles and Alastair had a very lopsided, abusive, and disgustingly underage grooming-type relationship. It was harmful to Alastair and obviously did a long-term number on him, but he bore it because he was lonely and accepting the love that he thought he deserved.

Now let's talk about Cordelia and Matthew.

Cordelia Carstairs is not a harmful person. She is no Charles Fairchild. However, Matthew seems to use her- and his passion for her- to harm himself. Note that none of this is Cordelia's fault, nor is it on her to be Matthew's salvation. But Matthew sees in her an escape, a sort of saving grace.

She is an outsider; this makes her someone that he can tell his secret to. She does not reject him, which further cements her into the "good" category of people that Matthew feels safe with.

Matthew hates himself and self-harms by self-medicating. His passion for Cordelia is similar to that; she is the single most unattainable person ever for him. She is his parabatai's wife, one that he knows is already in love with James. But he touches the fire because it burns him, because it makes him feel something.

It's also curious that Matthew leaves Cordelia at the end of the book, and that the book itself notes that they did not become closer after the final battle concluded:

[T]hat closeness she had felt with him in Paris was gone, the sense of how well they understood one another. Paradoxically, Matthew had only grown closer to James, and to Thomas, and even Alastair.

Matthew is essentially quitting Cordelia in the same way that he quit drinking. He needs time and distance; he needs to stop getting near that fire so he can heal.

It's also very interesting to note what "Paris" is to Alastair vs Matthew.

In Chain of Iron, Matthew says:

“I was going to Paris because it seemed to me James finally understood what he had, being married to you—and I was glad, only I also knew I could not bear to see it. I thought in Paris I might forget. In Paris, one forgets everything.”

Matthew also treats Paris as a sort of salvation, a magical place where he no longer will be constrained by the self-blame and self-hate that plague him:

“Matthew,” she said. “In Paris, will you be able to forgive yourself?” He smiled at that—a real smile; his face lit up, and Cordelia could not help but think that it was a face that would open any door in Paris to them. “In Paris,” he said, “I shall be able to forgive all the world.”

And, simply:

"In Paris we can be whomever we wish.”

Matthew views Paris as some sort of magical place, removed from the problems of everyday life. It is a place to forgive and forget. It is the best place on earth. It can bring out all the good in you. It's a wish of a place.

It's disconnected and dreamlike.

This is exactly what Alastair found in Paris without even looking for it.

The whole trip had seemed disconnected and dreamlike. Alastair had come from nowhere and now returned to nowhere, and Thomas had no idea when they would next see each other, or how they would act when they did.

Indeed,

Alastair had not asked Thomas about his friends or his family. Thomas hadn’t asked Alastair, either. For these days it had been as though nobody else existed in the entire world.

Thomas and Alastair find this escape in Paris. It was completely removed from their everyday life, and they were both allowed to only be themselves. It was Thomas and Alastair, and they were together, and they never spoke of it again until Chain of Iron, when they only spoke of it when they were alone together.

It's ironic on a storytelling level that this is the one thing Matthew wanted that Alastair got. Even when Alastair views Matthew as the embodiment of everything that he wishes he were, he was the one who got a magical wish of a time in Paris. And Matthew never knew.

Love People Have Denied Themselves

At this point we've established the ways that Alastair and Matthew are trauma-mirrors. We also have established the ways that they each use the other's sibling as an unhealthy balm for those traumas.

Now, I would like to take a look at the ways that they respond to that trauma more generally.

Both characters are scared because they feel that their own trauma responses will be a burden on those around them.

As a result, Alastair has become a fortress. He lets no one in besides his sister (who he aims to protect), his mother (who seems to view him as a sort of co-conspirator), Charles (who abuses him), and eventually Thomas (praise be!) We'll talk about Thomas a lot in the coming sections.

But first:

Matthew, on the other hand, puts on something that I like to call his Sunshine Armor. I deeply relate to this quality in Matthew, actually. He acts happy, lighthearted, and carefree to hide the fact that he is, in fact, in pain. He does this even before he begins drinking. In Cast Long Shadows he literally puts on a Smile, puts on his flashy clothing, calls himself a "waste of space in a waistcoat," and goes out to charm and amuse while pondering his personal failings and how he is likely a bad parabatai.

It's also so ingrained in the character that it's part of his physical appearance:

[Matthew's eyes] were such a dark green that they fooled people, except when light struck the dark a certain way and the depths flashed emerald. Like the rest of him, his eyes were a trick.

And now, he believes that "drink makes [him] amusing" in Chain of Gold. He believes that it makes him charming and likeable, which we see in Chain of Thorns when he tells James that he doesn't know who he will be after he sobers up.

"I know what I’d be doing at an ordinary party,” he said. “Floating about, being entertaining. [...] Being witty and charming. Or at least, I thought I was witty and charming. Without the alcohol, I…” His voice sank. “It’s like I’m watching clockwork dolls in a child’s dollhouse, acting out their parts. Nothing seems real. Or perhaps I am the one who is not real.”

Matthew believes himself to be, in some way, flawed. He believes himself to be unlovable.

This is one way in which he and Alastair are eerily similar. In fact, it is the initial thing that Matthew finds to relate to Alastair in:

Matthew’s eyes opened. “Is he—are you two—?” “He won’t agree to be with me,” said Thomas quietly. “But not out of unkindness. He thinks he would be bad for me. I think… in some way… he believes he does not deserve to be happy. Or perhaps it is that he is unhappy, and he believes it is a sort of contagion that might spread.” “I understand that,” Matthew said, a little wonderingly. “How much love people have denied themselves through the ages because they believed they did not deserve it. As if the waste of love is not the greater tragedy.”

Alastair's main internal conflict throughout TLH is that he believes himself to be unlovable because of his past mistakes. This is no surprise; in fact, it is the only thing that makes sense. His father was a monster to him for at least a decade. The other students at school beat him until he became something he did not want to be. The main group of characters in TLH- including those like Anna who do not know him- continuously villainize him despite his many attempts to apologize.

So, it's no surprise that he believes himself to be "dangerous and bad" for Thomas at the end of Chain of Iron.

Unlike Matthew, who does not like to be alone and finds a way to charm and amuse and remain extraverted and connected, Alastair self-isolates. He does not wish to subject those around him to his company, as we initially see in Chain of Iron when he does not want to go to social events and avoids places that he knows others in the Enclave will be gathering.

This issue persists throughout Chain of Thorns and is a core part of his plotline:

"The person most standing between Alastair and happiness is Alastair himself. He is brave, and loyal, and his heart—” [Thomas] found himself blushing. “I suppose I wish Alastair would treat himself as he deserves to be treated.”

Alastair also admits this later:

"You [Thomas] said that you wish I would treat myself as I deserve to be treated. The thing is, that’s exactly what I was doing. I was denying myself the thing I wanted more than anything else in the world because I didn’t believe I deserved it.”

Everything Exactly the Way That It Is

So, we come to the core question of both Matthew's and Alastair's existence, the one that they both clearly play over and over in their heads every night. Matthew finally vocalizes it, rather heartbreakingly, in Chain of Thorns:

"Am I so hard to love?"

The narrative clearly (correctly) believes that both of these characters are worth loving, but their conclusions look very different.

Matthew is positioned as a character who hates himself despite being surrounded by others who love him. He keeps his Great Sin a secret to retain that love. Note that this is a way that Matthew, like Alastair, is closed off. He keeps this one occurrence to himself. Alastair, then, is positioned as a character who does not have loved ones surrounding him despite his constant attempts to do better.

In creating this curious effect, Clare makes Matthew a character who does not need a romantic conclusion. His arc does not necessitate this interpersonal connection or intimacy, because he is already loved. Instead, Matthew's arc needs to be resolved with self-love, self-care, and compassion for himself.

In fact, a romantic conclusion would have proven unsatisfying for Matthew. It's critical that he spends some time alone, especially since this was set up when he initially attempted to go to Paris alone before Cordelia came along. His departure from London, and from those in it, has been shown as a necessity ever since Chain of Iron.

This is especially true at the end as Matthew undoubtedly still has feelings for Cordelia:

“Daisy.” He turned to her in surprise. “I care about you still. I always will, in some part of my heart, and James knows that; but I am happy you are together."

Distance is necessary, and because Matthew no longer is a servant to the bottle of his Great Sin, he is free to be a wandering spirit. He is free to do "mad, wonderful, colorful things," get to know himself sober, and chase joy in that way. Romance would be yet another thing to tether him in one place at this point in time; he needs freedom for a while, to get to know Matthew Fairchild.

On the other hand...

Clare also positions Alastair as a character who must experience love and intimacy in order to have a satisfying conclusion to his arc. Matthew must improve in his own eyes; Alastair must see himself in another's to understand that he is already capable of love and forgiveness and opening up.

Thomas provides him with this. He obviously likes Alastair's biting wit; his pain does not scare him off. "I need to breathe" does not scare him off or make him think less of Alastair. Because Thomas has always seen the good in Alastair, even when he was not showing it; Thomas "like[d] his nonsense" at school and now:

It was as if [Alastair] had been locked in a room, and Thomas had opened the door: Alastair now seemed to feel free to express the love and affection for his friends and family he had always tamped down and hidden away.

Essentially, Matthew and Alastair are mirrors whose pain, trauma, and healing journeys reflect each other. However, their healing- the ways that they will find grace and delight and joy- are astronomically different.

But it's breathtakingly beautiful.

The wild boy who has always been tied to one place, by secrets and by love and by bitterness and by addiction, is finally completely free. Free to wander and roam and laugh loudly and lose himself to adventure. Free to fall in love with himself, the "beginning of a lifelong romance" per Oscar Wilde.

And the worldly wanderer, an eternal traveler who has never had a real home where felt safe and loved, finally got that. Finally got to build a home with someone gentle who loves him "more than anything." Finally gets stability and security and hard-won happiness.

I am so incredibly happy for them both.

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