#i was actually wondering when I kudos if anyone would recognize my username there lol

[kojitheopossum]

hehe i saw you gave kudos to my ethubs fanfic (not to be TOTALLY creepy) and i just wanted to say thank u sm 💗!! love all ur drawings, and the siren au comic, they’re so so so pretty and u inspire me sm as a writer and artist :) have a lovely day!!

oh my goodness ofc!! I'm assuming this is about the red bdubs last life one? (If not then oops sorry I'm sure whatever fic you wrote got my kudos for a reason) but if so THAT WAS SO WELL WRITTEN!!!! I won't get into the uh details like I usually do when complimenting but I genuinely couldn't believe that was ur first time writing that sorta thing?? So soooo so so good, I haven't read fics in an embarrassing long time now but I'm glad I stumbled along urs 🫶🫶 Don't worry about being creepy genuinely the first thing I did after finishing was going through ur ao3 account to see if there was any more ethubs 😭

oogofhg tysm,,, (in tears) I'm so glad to hear my stuff's inspiring, genuinely stuff like urs inspires me to give writing a serious try <3 have a fantastic day !!!

[dayseternal-blog]

Dude.

Over 10,000 Hits 🎉

I am alarmed, I have been alarmed from the start.

This is still a celebration post, but unlike my unashamed Nightdreams celebration post, this one is an unashamed reflection celebration post 🌱.  On something I’ve spent quite a bit of effort and time on, whether I actually finish this story or not (lol I will), it’s a story to be proud of.  And it’s something I’d like to articulate my feelings on before I end it for good 🎀.

Below the cut is a very long trash love letter 💌 to myself and anyone who’d like a peek at my narcissism.  I am a slut for self-reflection.

Ahead of that, thank you for enjoying my stuffs everyone 💝. 

I often think to write for myself and for fun, that no one else will love my fic more than me or have more fun than me...  That’s idealistic.  That’s a mindset to keep.  Especially as a new fic writer when no one recognized my username, it was a way to keep myself from losing motivation.  May agitosgirl always be my inspiration and role model🙏🏼.

But I wonder how can I return to that mindset in its purest form?  When I wrote It’s No Secret, I was ecstatic to hit 500 views.  I had about 5 readers who motivated me with their comments, and it was all very precious.  And It’s No Secret continues to be my favorite fic even though it’s far from my tightest writing.  (Isn’t it because I actually wrote that one just for myself?  Comments and kudos were all just bonus points.)

White Lilies is probably one of my least favorite stories.  If I were to rank my fics in order of preference, it would be near the bottom.  If I were to rank my fics in order of “fics I’d like NarutoDays (DAYS8) to be remembered for,” White Lilies would not be at the top, either.  I almost dislike that White Lilies is the story that caught people’s attention.

The best entertainment to me is inconsequential shows like HGTV, Say Yes to the Dress, and sparkly shoujo manga.  How is it that people don’t feel the same way??? lol jk

But to persevere in a story, that is a part of growth as a fic writer, too.  And to write for others’ enjoyment more than my own, that’s not a bad thing, even though I felt more stress...

OH but those White Lilies arts are certainly my faves.  Gorgeous and very good.  Yes.  Amazing on all accounts.  I wonder if I would have kept writing without them.    No?  Probably no, right?  Yeah, I would have stopped.  Since I started the story to just scratch the itch “Medicine” gave me.  Once that mosquito bite faded around chapter 3, I was ready to move on.  But now, very tangibly, other people I admire very much in the fandom spent actual time and effort in creating lovely pieces for the story.  I was blessed and that’s not something to ignore.  I mean, I could have.  At the most, that would just be disappointing.  At the least, White Lilies would be another hiatus fic in my list.  

Jeez, but it would be even more hypocritical to not acknowledge that the attention was very nice.  I can go so far as to say that I expected someone to keep giving me the affirmation that this junk was good since I wasn’t giving myself any kick of enjoyment.  Is that still dishonest.  I think I told a reader of White Lilies that I don’t ask people for comments or kudos.  That’s true, I don’t ask.  But I’ve expected it for White Lilies for the past few chapters.  Ew.  That’s gross Days, I hate that.  What if I closed comments on the last chapter of White Lilies.  That might be good.  Well I don’t have a good enough reason to do that.

I wonder if that’s why I dislike White Lilies.  Not for its angst.  Not for its difficult feelings and its difficult romance...well, actually, no, I dislike White Lilies for those reasons.  But on top of those things, the story has altogether gone against my foundation and motivation in fic writing.  Did I have fun.  ?  The comment section at the beginning was very stressful.  OMG no I shall never forget that one reader who got way too emotional about the story and made my comment section such a mess!  Why didn’t that reader put their little comments into one big comment.  For real.  Plus, it was an anon reader.  Don’t anonymous readers need to put their email address in every time they comment?  How humbug is that?  My goodness.

Oh ho ho nooooo that one reader who freaking told me to fix my writing using Grammarly.  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  AHHHHHHHHHH.  AHHHHHHHHHH

...

So after that when I moderated the comments, I actually started to enjoy reading comments again.  Huh.  SO ACTUALLY when did I finally not feel anxiety anymore about the comment section.  Not until Chapter 5?  But that was the chapter I wasn’t happy with and ended up revising the ending after I published it.

I mean to tell myself that it’s only this most recent Chapter 6 that I felt good and normal and 安心 and ホッとしている to update.  I’m not kidding myself, what I terrible thing to realize now.  No wonder I dislike White Lilies.  The overall experience has not been that great.

Well “great” is too general a way to describe writing this story.  There’s been many wonderful things.  The new attention and recognition and compliments and gratitude were amazing.  The art.  The playlist.  The funny reader impatience in the asks 👏🏼.

OOOOOOOh the Bookmark summaries!!!!  

Hilarious 😂😂😂😂😂.  I love these too much.  These summaries give me life.  White Lilies in a nutshell.

Ahh yeah.  So funny.  Those are so good.  gogohai been making me laugh since August.

Remember at the start, I was so confused by the hit count on chapter 1 🤔.  I thought it was a bunch of antis accidentally clicking in, or SasuNaru fans or something, so I made those notes at the top that clearly stated how I’m not anti-NH.  It turns out everyone’s masochists for angst lol.

Anyway, I know I’ll finish this story.  What a strange feeling.  I think it must be because I worked so hard through the slumps already between Chapter 3 & 4, and Chapter 4 & 5, and Chapter 5 & 6, I know Chapter 7 will certainly happen, too.  How nice.

You know, White Lilies, it is what it is.  I have desensitized from mean comments.  Like, I think comments can’t hurt me anymore.  I’ll just be like 🤷🏻‍♀️ in response.  The attention on this story boosted my ego so much that I now know without a doubt that my writing is good enough and anyone who tells me otherwise can go ahead bumbai get bachi.

That’s really good.  For how unenjoyable it has been at many times, I have definitely sacrificed “fun” for “the sense of accomplishment,” and it’s not wrong or less valuable to spend my free time seeking accomplishment and completion in something so inconsequential as fanfiction.

However this story flipped my sense of purpose in writing, where accomplishment became tied to reader feedback.  Accomplishment usually ties to my sense of fun and enjoyment.  Instead I’ve been seeking that sense of fun in the readers, whether through their own personal enjoyment or through the number of comments/kudos/likes/reblogs.  How boring is that?  Ah!  Very boring.  It’s not wrong to seek validation through the readers.  Many writers and artists want their work to be seen and enjoyed by many because the act of sharing is in itself joyful.  Fine.  Haven’t I just found this a very tiring way to go about posting my stuff.  

I am nostalgic for my mentality of two years ago.

It’ll be good to finish White Lilies.  The excitement will be done and over with certainly, and this same amount of attention will never happen again.  As one of the nerdiest nerds in one of the nerdiest corners of nerdy fandom called Fanfiction, it’s a privilege to have my imagination on so many other people’s browser, to transport so many people away from their real life problems to fake problems instead lol, and to participate in an exchange of ideas with other writers and artists in the Naruto fandom.  What a great thing!

It’ll be even better to focus completely on stuff that I actually like, though, won’t it 💖.