#i was Standard Dissociating and then i died and then it turned into Anxiety Dissociating

[lichendyke]

@grartaire replied to your post:

dissociate

this solved everything thank u

[jigensass]

Here we are (this is very long so TL;DR this blog is getting archived)

It’s been over a week since I’ve taken a hiatus and a few close people know about what has happened. And I have made a decision in response to an insight meditation retreat I took over the course of this weekend. 

 I’m going to be dropping roleplaying Stephen and possibly roleplaying altogether. 

First, after 5 years of this blog, you’re probably wondering why. Well, I woke up. 

Yes, I’m a talented writer and I can weave your fantasies into realities. Yes, I enjoy every single person I have written for. You’re not the problem. My writings are the problem that is hurting my lifestyle and it leads to toxic behavior. 

Ever since I decided to go into this hiatus and a few days prior, I’ve been peeling back that I am more sensitive than others to certain situations and at sometimes have the ability to as previously stated, weave fantasies into realities and make them feel as real as possible. This can be problematic when I get in too deep. So much as I have in the past without even realizing, begin to dissociate the line and my own reality and the one I made that I have fallen in love with. The two begin to crossover and I don’t even realize I’m doing it until it’s too late. This had led to multiple people getting hurt and I didn’t even know I was doing it.  Why has this been happening for so long and I’m noticing it after 26 years? Well, no one kind of stopped me or I didn’t notice because when I was younger I lived in my own little world. And that own little world became the internet and then the internet started converging with the little world and I didn’t know what to do except the one thing I knew best: make up stories and not even realizing it, they became my own little world. It’s how I coped and got away from the actual reality that I lived in (school, work, family, etc). 

Now how did Stephen come in? Well, (holy shit I’ve been in the sphere of Doctor Strange for 7.5 (8 years in the Marvel sphere) years now that’s the longest I’ve stuck to anything). There was a game on Facebook where I heard of him and at the time in 2010, there were only comics and the movie from 2006(7?) (I remember actually SEEING the commercial for the movie and asking ‘how is this guy a superhero he’s a doctor’ oh how my 13-year-old self was foolish). 

I fell in love with Stephen’s character for one reason: he had all the powers of a god, yet he was still human. It would take me another 5 years to realize where my path was actually headed with this magic man and the actual man named Benedict Cumberbatch. 

Along the way, since this blog was created and many rp threads later, there were many times I felt so absorbed into my work that even though I had an external life with friends and people I knew. It became...a problem. It was obvious when I began to piss off my friends in college for trying to gain this...atmosphere of Stephen Strange and then try to be myself. 

But I didn’t know who ‘Crystal’ was for...like ever. Only until after this weekend did I find out this answer (stay tuned). 

I kept trying different things, nothing felt good. I didn’t feel like a human being unless I was by myself clacking away at a keyboard and being absorbed with the Sorcerer Supreme who I (for the longest time) considered a reflection of who I was or what I wanted to be (at some point Magnus Bane got thrown into the pot in 2014 so that’s just a lovely stew...). It ate at me for years and I wasn’t even aware during points where I became lost that the parasite was there. The parasite was my power to get lost in worlds I created and then believe the world was still there in reality. And it (probably) hurt many real human beings in the process. 

And just recently I yanked that parasite off and threw it away. Realizing that seeing Stephen as a reflection is dangerous and will get me pulled into the looking glass if I don’t stop. 

So as of today for the sake of my mental health, this blog is being archived.

I’m not saying it was all bad. I wouldn’t be typing this because of roleplaying with one person in particular who, even though my coworkers were slapping me in the face (metaphorically, of course) and concerned for my life during the nine months of suffering I held at my new job, was AT THE TIME, the only person who could get through to me and wake me up. The reason this journey started because of a very deep wound that was still scarring, but this person was the one to be my guide on the path to just finding what I needed to figure out what the heck was going on. 

About a month later after this realization, I joined a sangha and began meditation on a weekly basis or when I could. This (and to this day) practice has unearthed a lot of stuff that I’ve buried so deep that it blew my mind how messed up my childhood was. Why I was so...sarcastic...and had to make a joke to every serious detail...and impulsive...and...determined to get out of this hole. Like a certain....doctor

(No joke when I watched Doctor Strange in theatres in 2016 when this line was said I died laughing because of the tone and manner of how it was said was something I would do. I’m a sassy piece of shit IRL) 

Back in late 2016/early 2017 right after I watched this movie, I remember wanting to embrace MCU Stephen with open arms. I felt the pain he was feeling, having to give up his mundane life to become the guardian of the Earth, and I wanted to take him down that journey of suffering, of realizing that he chose for the sake of his hands, provided him with....the power of a god yet he was still human (also I was stunned because he was (I BELIEVE right behind T’Challa) the FIRST Marvel main character to actually DIE on camera. As in no pulse, not coming back dead. 

But instead I got female OCs wanting to bang and marry him, and the funk kicked itself right out the door. And this is when I got into experimentation. Demons, Mermen...the list goes on. 

This is where it became obvious that Stephen was leaning towards men and less towards women and the relationships were slowly becoming....uninteresting. Either for me or the other person. Around this time this was when the shit hit the fan hard and I had a mental breakdown and contemplated suicide (it wasn’t the first time). Yeah, surprise~. The package gets nastier. 

At this point, as many of you know, I was diagnosed with Attention Hyperactive Association Disorder (or ADHD) and I began taking medication which helped, but with the meditation beside it, this was where a nasty load of stuff boiled inside including:

Emotional and some Physical Abuse from my Parents

My mother almost killed me once. She nearly snapped my neck.

Emotional Abuse from Teachers and Peers in School

I was given a nickname that I just passively went with and in the end, I hated it. When I tried to change it, people didn’t listen to me. 

I gave my opinion about how I did not enjoy Glee on Facebook. I was shunned by nearly every music department student. 

Trust Issues that supported the Anxiety because of said Emotional Abuse (and for a point in my life, pretty sure I had Avoidant Personality Disorder)

I’ve been at the same job for over 2 years now and just last Friday I had to balls to tell someone my life was a dumpster fire. 

Depression because I couldn’t hold/meet expectations that I had imagined as being next to perfect standards because of past emotional abuse to be under the impression I could meet nothing less (thus over the years I lowered my expectations, yet nothing changed). Sometimes I had suicidal thoughts and the only reason I didn’t do it was because I thought felt good to suffer

In turn, because I was abused emotionally in a certain manner that I thought that it was okay to do so when I couldn’t get a grounding of having things in my control as well because of my conditioning or just try to be noticed. At the time, it was the only way I knew how to put the board in my favor. It was when I did this and my boss wrote me up that I just...became silent. People wondered why I didn’t talk and then when I did, it was (and sometimes still is) in the most passive tone of observation. Over time I did learn this was one of the most unwholesome things I could do and I have still lost my footing in times of despair that I go back to this way of talking because I’m conditioned to beat myself up when something bad happens (and even during this weekend’s retreat those unwholesome thoughts came up). 

So sorry for anyone I’ve hurt in the past because of this. I’ve disconnected with many because of my ignorance.

Thus the result of this toxic upbringing and my choice to follow it blindly led to a misunderstanding of relationships to the mundane level (romantic or platonic). Every situation that failed, I tried better. But it only felt worse since till this day every single one has failed, minus one or two, have all ended in some kind of disaster merely due to, what probably was my destructive behavior. 

Even now typing this dumpster fire was difficult. Because I have 3 ways of responding

1. I’m a Bot Beep Boop How are you? Good! That’s Good! 

2. I have a mask and there’s no one else here behind the ask

3. You sure you want to talk to ME? You sure you find me INTERESTING? You? Find me attractive?! Kay...Just warning you....*reveals the dumpster fire* You can go backward out the entrance door

So...yeah. I’ve never ‘felt’ until recently that my life “mattered”. That I was just...kind of an empty sponge. Day in, day out. Paying off debt for a job that I don’t even do anymore because I’m better at other things, like deduction. And working with data and information. 

But anywho....if you’ve made it this far in “My Journey to Find out Who the Heck I Am” Congrats, you made it to this weekend’s insight meditation retreat. Because it was both terrible and uplifting at the same time. 

yesterday we meditated for about 8ish hours and I wanted to kill myself (literally) from all the pain in my back. I questioned if I had to go see a chiropractor after it was all said and done. And then something came up that I noticed that I always was aware of.

The teacher kept referencing other teachers before her and near the end of it all when she would keep talking, the references were driving me nuts. Like, she just kept telling us to follow the Buddha like he was some holy person and it clicked: I don’t like organized religion because I’m being told how to do my practice. So when we went outside to walk, it all just kind of clicked when I found a bench off to the side of the business complex (our retreat was at our local sangha and non-residential). I sat on that bench and stared at the fence and the rain and said to myself ‘I am the River’, meaning I should go with the flow and acknowledge and be aware of any ripples made in me. 

And that everything that was being instructed on this retreat had been told to me from another source: all of my coworkers who probably have not sat on a cushion in their life. 

Today when we the teacher did a talk this morning about ‘self’ and ‘not self’, she, in short, repeated what I said from a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh (monk from Vietnam) about how we are not a river, but an ocean. 

And even though the teacher’s story was relatable, it clicked who “Crystal” was and where Stephen stood in Crystal’s life.

Crystal is made up of many individuals parts and is just...Crystal. Stephen is not a reflection, but one of those many parts. 

Even though I acknowledge this wisdom, I currently believe I do not (and might not) have the ability to return to my writings because of why I previously explained. It’s not you, it’s the current in the river. 

So thank you to everyone who has befriended me along the way and helped me down this path. 

Namaste.

*two minutes later* lemme find a Benedict Cumberbatch Buddhism gif to close this story, show me the money Google

GOD DAMN I-

[scripttorture]

Given the memory problems torture victims seem to be affected by, is it at all common for someone to resist or be suspicious of those trying to rescue them? Would it be realistic for a character to mistake his friends for torturers and understand later that they aren’t or would it be more likely that he recognizes them and feels happy? My character has been force-fed and beaten and left tied in a chair for hours. How can I write a realistic reaction to seeing his friends again?

Nothis wouldn’t be a common scenario because that’s not how thememory problems associated with torture work.

Thememory problems torture causes come in three broad categories: memoryloss, intrusive memories and inaccurate memories.

Intrusivememories are really vivid, near-constant reminders of the abusesurvivors went through. You know that feeling when you’re randomlyreminded of something embarrassing you did in the past for noparticular reason? Imagine that happening regularly with memories ofthe worst thing that’s happened to you.

It’snot a hallucination, it’s the brain going over those memories overand over again.

Inaccuratememories are- well flaws both in older memories and more recent ones.They’re when our memory of events doesn’t match with whatactually happened. This happens to everyone. But the rate at whichthey occur in torture survivors and other trauma survivors is muchmuch higher than the norm for the population.

Thingslike the order of events, the lay out of rooms, descriptions ofabusers and (with multiple abusers) who exactly did what, can all beeffected (as well as more ordinary memories). Inaccurate memories area large part of the reason why torture convictions are not morecommon. Courts put a lot more stock in the reliability of humanmemory then it deserves. Cases with too few survivors can get thrownout on the basis of inconsistencies in their memories.

Memorylossfrom trauma or torture tends to function in a couple of particularways.

Generallyspeaking people don’tlose older memories. The older a memory is the safer it is. Sosurvivors don’t forget their names or their families or peoplethey’ve known for a long time.

Survivorscanforget aspects of their torture but this is actually much less commonthen intrusive memories and it’s more common for memory loss toeffect periods when they were not being tortured.

Sofor example a survivor might forget a lot of things that happened inthe week before they were captured. They might forget a lot of thingsabout how they were held captive (in periods where they weren’tbeing tortured). And they might have a general difficult rememberingthings afterthey’re released that can last for the rest of their lives. Thatusual comes across as a sort of forgetfulness, missed appointments,forgotten keys- things like that.

Thereason I don’t think what you want to do is possible is becauseyou’ve characterised these people as friends. That implies, to me,that they’ve known each other for a significant period of time.Which in turn suggests the type of older memory that torture isunlikely to destroy.

Ifthe rescuing characters were people who the victim had only known fora week (perhaps up to a month if they didn’t interact much) then Icould see this working. But if they know each other well enough to befriends then I don’t think they’d forget each other.

Ifyou feel like this misunderstanding is important to your story therearesome fairly easy ways you could still achieve it.

Achange in uniform, equipment or standard tactics that happened a fewweeks before the victim character is captured couldeasily and realistically be forgotten. If the new uniform/equipmentcovers distinguishing features the survivor might easily panic andexpectthese strange new people to be more torturers. If they can hear orsee parts of the rescue mission but don’t recognise the tacticsthey might expect to be taken by a different group of bad guys ratherthan rescued.

Goingback to your first question for a moment I honestly have no idea howcommon resisting rescue is for the simple reason that most torturevictims are not rescued.

Thevast majority of victims are….not in a position where they couldever expect rescue. They’re civilians who are picked up almost atrandom, convicted criminals who are being held legally or illegally,members of vulnerable groups. Alot of the time the people closest to them don’t know where thevictims are. Theyare not, for the most part, members of armed organised movements thatwould be capable of mounting raids to forcibly bring them back.

Andthose that are members of such groups- well most of the times thosegroups don’trisk attacking strongholds for one person. They quite reasonablyjudge the risk too great.

Formost victims torture ends because ‘the war’ did or because forwhatever reason higher ups order their release. Or they die ofcourse.

Releasecanbe secured through non-violent political pressure and protest. Infact Ethiopia recently released a lotof torture victims from jails due to the political changes that arecurrently happening in the country.(Ethiopia is my current favourite good news story.) I’m also awareof individual cases where victims were released after bad press andpressure from groups like Amnesty International.

Incontrast I can’t think of a single case where a violent raid saveda victim of torture. There have been incidents where armed groupsintervened successfully in cases of genocide but I’m not sure therehave been any in more ‘usual’ torture cases.

Iknow the West is enamoured with these stories of small, brave, armedrebellions fighting bigger, better armed evil empires but- Let’s bereal here for a moment: the ending that gets is from Blake’s 7,everybody dies.

Idon’t think your character would be likely to have forgotten hisfriends, mistake them for torturers or attack/resist them. But Idon’t think he’s likely to be happy to see them either.

Ithink some kind of panic or anxiety attack would be fairly likely.His friends are in danger and he’s in no position to help thembecause depending on the length of time he’s been in that stressposition/how he was beaten he might well be unable to move.

Hemight dissociate.

Hemight also not react in a visibly negative way, but the rescue isstill a highly stressful scenario. It could result in his death, thedeaths of his friends or with all of his friends being captured andtortured as he was. On that basis- I think I’d save ‘happy’reactions for when they’re out safely and the victim has had achance to receive some medical attention.

Ihope that helps. :)

Disclaimer

[jasonblossomsghost]

ALL THE ODDS NUMBERS!

AAH THATS LIKE 50 QUESTIONS THIS IS GONNA TAKE A WHILE

1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? spotify 100%% i used to use pandora but i also used to think bangs were a good idea so

3. what color are your eyes?brown/hazel 5. what is your relationship status?single but that could change perhaps if a cute girl wants to lower her standards to the fucking ground lmaoo7. what color hair do you have?medium brown9. where do you shop?Ross, Charlotte Russe, and Rue 21 mostly. also target sometimes11. favorite social media accounti only have tumblr and snapchat so tumblr13. any siblings?i have seven siblings actually!! i only live with 2 tho bless15. favorite snapchat filter?the dog bc im basic af17. how many times a week do you shower?usually about 4. any more than that and my hair gets weird19. shoe size?like a 6-7.5 21. sandals or sneakers?sneakers all the way. sandals make me uncomfortable23. describe your dream datealright so ideally its with a person who likes me (if not, it would be a lil awkward). we would go to build-a-bear workshop and make each other bears bc im a sentimental piece of shit then go to the zoo maybe??? and get ice cream and just generally do cliche cutesy bullshit bc im a sucker for that sorta thing

25. what color socks are you wearing?i took my socks off like five minutes ago but they were light pink w/ dinos27. do you have a job? what do you do?i have a job (that i’ll be out of in a week rip) as a tutor for satan :)29. whats the worst thing you have ever done?once in the sixth grade this boy (my best friend at the time) asked me out. i said no and ran away. i heard he cried after. people thought i was a heartless bitch but turns out im just gay so31. 3 favorite boy namesim gonna do TRADITIONALLY boy names bc i don’t think names have genders but yeah anyway. i like noah a lot!! almost every noah i’ve met has been cool. i also like oliver bc its a fancy name. also Kai is a really cool name (sidenote: remember when like all the beautiful boys in stories that people wrote online were named kai??)33. favorite actor?hmmm probably The Rock or Jack Black. i love them35. who is your celebrity crush?oH MAN WHO ISNT TBH. i love hayley kiyoko, shura, laverne cox, angelina jolie (esp when she played Legs in foxfire,,, damn), and a ton more37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?i don’t read a lot tbh but my favorite book rn is the Outsiders39. do you have a nickname? what is it?ehlow calls me Or bc shes bi trash for me41. top 10 favorite songsi’m just gonna do my top 10 atm and not of all time bc thats too hard1. Coffee Talk - Broadside2. First Time He Kissed A Boy - Kadie Elder3. Mother & Father - Broods4. Don’t Take The Money - Bleachers5. Billie Jean - EDEN6. Mr. Brightside - The Killers7. Nicotine - Panic! At The Disco8. Teenager in Love - Neon Trees 9. New York Soul pt. ii - Jon Bellion10. High Enough - K.Flay

43.what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)i think its combination???

45. how many kids do you want?ZERO

47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)i think its like medium sized??

49. what was the last compliment you received?”you are the light in my darkness” - my friend haley 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?4 or 5. my mom told me he died in a blizzard like a hundred years ago lmao53. opinion on smoking?kill yourself slowly if you want ig but stay away from me bc this bitch got asthma55. what is your dream job?founder of a non-profit for LGBT+ youth57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?nah my hair is really particular59. do you smile for pictures?only if im forced tbh61. have you ever peed in the woods?nope63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?i can’t have either anymore rippp but i preferred wendy’s65. what do you wear to bed?a sports bra/tank top and shorts67. what are your hobbies?suffering, being gay, watching the office

69. do you play an instrument?no but im trying to learn piano for my senior project!!!71. tea or coffee?tea 100% coffee gives me anxiety and is also gross without a ton of sugar73. do you want to get married?i mean, i like the poetic beauty of choosing to be with someone every single day and not being bound to them by law BUT i need those family benefits so yeah probably if i can trick someone into marrying me75. are you going to change your last name when you get married?only if they have a cool last name77. do you miss anyone right now?,,,perhaps,,,79. do you believe in ghosts?idk??? i want to tho81. last person you called`my little sister so she could let me into the house83. regular oreos or golden oreos?can’t have either but gluten-free regular oreos are better than the vanilla ones so regular85. what shirt are you wearing?one of the 10 black v-necked shirts i own87. are you outgoing or shy?in the middle probably?? like i don’t approach people like every day but im not shy lmao89. do you like your neighbors?one of my neighbors is a redneck bar so no91. have you ever been high?who needs weed when u got dissociation tbh93. last thing you ate?im 85% sure it was chocolate95. summer or winter?summer. i’m less stressed in summer

97. dark, milk, or white chocolate?milk but dark is ok. WHITE CHOCOLATE IS GROSS AF

99. what is your zodiac signscorpiooo

[warmbeebosoftbeebo]

Not about B (but hey, maybe you want a break from him rn.) How do you feel about sites like OnlyFans? Do you think they’re totally cool because it’s individual sex workers doing what they want and what they’re comfortable with? Do you think it’s just as bad as PornHub because it’s still men objectifying women and sex isn’t really consensual if there’s an exchange of money/services? Is there a middle ground where it’s better than PornHub because there’s no trafficking but its still dehumanizing?

this has been languishing in my asks for about a week, but wanted to address it before *insert it’s almost halloween*

elly arrow has been addressing this some on her twitter lately, this is one such thread https://twitter.com/EllyArrow/status/1297473372859895808

marina is a current camgirl (she’s trying to stop) https://twitter.com/mar0uxna/status/1300035123212169216 and more thead is here https://twitter.com/mar0uxna/status/1300035351239688192 something that struck me is that the men are very entry-oriented in their demands, asking for her to insert all sorts of things in there, as if that’s how women masturbate on our own (irl it’s mostly clitoral/labial), including SCISSORS, which she was able to refuse.

google search camgirl stalker

in the uk last year, one woman who was camming died from self-strangulation during a session based on the internet john’s demands (irl, virtually only men and teen boys die of auto-erotic asphyxia of their own volition.) he was a snuff porn collector too. https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/webcam-girls-share-dark-side-17266604

many men will track down camgirls eg via ip addresses, things that are mailed to or from them, not to mention the risk of being identified by men in your present, past and even future based on photos eg face, tattoos. 

if you are female and were born post-1990, you were absolutely groomed from a young age into self pornifying. i was born in 87, and even remember the playboy bunny on everything, thongs, “you can’t afford me” shirts, etc being marketed to preteen girls in the 00s and 10s. in the era of internet porn tubesites, things are 100 times worse. turning yourself into pornography is exactly what men and malestream (mainstream) culture want girls and women to do.

women easily find themselves slipping into other forms of prostitution, eg porn with partners, escorting/meeting "fans” for sex, etc.

this is in part because most women don’t make much. many find that full time minimum wage actually pays MORE than camming, especially over the longer term. the most money is also in escorting (200 an hour is fairly standard, but doesn’t take into account femininity/beauty standards, medical, mental, physical, travel, etc costs), and women in camming or partnered porn usually make the most money there, and use porn more for advertising: there is rarely much money in it.

the other main reason: “fans” will frequently offer to pay you for more and more invasive, degrading, etc shows, then up the ante by offering to pay for irl sex, usually a lot more than you make by camming. your resistance to overt prostitution is broken down by the more and more, the frequent requests, the money on offer, etc.

dissociation, compartmentalization, alienation from pleasure, desire, sex with others and oneself, one’s own vulva and vagina, etc are all very common. one usually takes on a “happy camgirl” persona and either denying how one truly feels (becoming that mask to cope), eg saying you LOOOOVE camming and love your “fans”/johns or living a double life. this worsened mental health can actually keep one in camming (eg low self esteem, self doubt, feeling you can’t go back to a non-pornified job, etc), and/or lead further into prostitution, including though using hard drugs, abusing prescribed drugs eg for anxiety, depression to cope. 

check out the documentary hot girls wanted for more on the grooming, how girls (18-20 year olds) get into porn, etc. this is a great look at the doc from a woman who’s done porn and she talks about things that shocked even me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4NHkiyCGdWo eg that anal/rectal bleeding is common, that legal pornographers target and groom 16-17 year olds . she also tackles the issue of outing: that if you are online engaged in camming, partnered porn, escorting, etc you can be outed at any point, by any one. (eg she was outed by a young man who recognized her from high school)

a lot of porn online is of camgirls who are uploaded by random men to tubesites, and there are camgirls who work out of studios, renting toys (!!!) and the space: they have to pay to be there, and so wind up in the hole (owing money to their pimp-pornographer) if they don’t get enough “tips” from men, which drives them to take worse men and comply with more extreme/violent/damaging demands. also obviously: they are working for pimps in these scenarios, even leaving aside the common theme of boyfriends and husbands living off of women’s camming and other prostitution.

additionally, a lot of camgirl porn is of teen girls. most child porn isn’t of prepubescents, contrary to popular belief: it’s of adolescent girls (13-17, sometimes even 11-12 if they are “well developed”), and most of it will never be flagged as child porn or prosecuted as such (most prosecutions and even porn being removed as child porn is of prepubescents, often toddlers and babies). being underage will not protect a camgirl from having her image spread around in the present and in the years to come, and indeed is often part of the thrill for men. not that exploitation becomes not such on her 18th birthday. but even this bare minimum gets both commonly violated and the taboo of it becomes “sexy.” it being illegal and widely considered wrong adds to the thrill of transgressing that boundary, hence most porn being teen, incest, ddlg, schoolgirl, young babysitter, etc now. 

aside: but i guarantee you that most pornographers would use 14 year olds like it was nothing if it was legal and even quasi-socially acceptable. if they would film a girl on her 18th birthday, or groom her for porn at the age of 16 or 17, they would use her even younger no problemo.

yeah, if he has to pay for it she (or he) doesn’t want one or more of the following: the sex act/s that’s asked/demanded (eg pia, “deep throat,” piv) the way/s he wants it done (eg sadistic, without any concern for her pleasure and arousal, with a stranger, emotional labour of pretending to be his self-sacrificing “girlfriend”), and/or him period (eg johns having bad hygiene is a common complaint, him being much older than her). he’s paying to change at least one no into a “yes, i’ll take your money because i need it.” at best, it is bribery into unwanted sex (eg if she’s comfortably middle class and doesn’t have unresolved sexual trauma), but it is generally economic coercion into phallocentric, often overtly violent, sex with a guy who has consumed a ton of phallocentric, violent porn (porn is where and how boys and men are taught to be johns and what sex to pay for, what sex to have generally). money can’t buy desire, only compliance.

this isn’t reducible to economics as some tend to do, though, eg there would be way, way more camboys and a lot more female customers/fans were this the case. boys would grow up being told how empowering and lucrative and sexy shoving objects up their ass, miming cunnilingus with vulval objects, showing off their breasts, thighs, balls, anus, buttocks, etc on camera for the female viewer to fantasize about using to rub her vulva on is. it’s primarily about patriarchy (which is fundamentally male control of female sexuality and reproduction) and the socialization girls have into femininity, pornification, submission, service, etc and boys into masculinity, pornographic sex, domination, sadism, etc.

this is a thread on teen and preteen girls being groomed by individual adult men into ddlg, bdsm, violent phallocentric sex, etc online but also helps explain the cultural as well as one-on-one grooming going on https://twitter.com/terfalicious/status/1299863533182689280 

[lunamaxisthedragoness]

About Luna!

Luna Maxis (not related to Doctor Maxis) is a dragon that can take on a human illusion. She was kidnapped when she was sixteen by Group 935 and experimented on by none other than Doctor Richtofen himself. When they placed her in the teleporter something went wrong. She aged quickly until she went from sixteen to twenty five. She transformed into her true form (dragon) and wrecked havoc upon the facility.

She died but since she is a dragon (I have a headcanon that all dragons get two chances at live. Aka. Reincarnated in a sense) she came back as an egg. She was raised by Eliana (Hey! it's me!) and lives with her in the mountains.

[B]Nicknames/Other names she goes by and or went by. Take note that some of these names were given to her. She may hate some of them.

[B]Lulu (Her mother)

[B]Lu (Thomas's care giver lol)

[B]Dwagon (Thomas's care giver and Samantha)

[B]My child (Her mother)

[B]Aunty (Samantha and Virus)

[B]Large scaley booplesnoot (Her aunt)

[B]Monster (by the people in her town)

[B]Test Subject #9035 (By members of Group 935)

[B]Sweetheart (Thomas "Tank" Dempsey)

*She has PTSD, Anxiety, Depression and Dissociative disorder.

*She is not immortal! Like all mythical creatures she has longevity. Meaning she can be killed. But she ages very slow. And can live forever if no one tries to kill her.

*She cannot get human illnesses

*Humans cannot get dragon related illnesses

*In the Summer these large white bugs (called "Scale Diggers") can go under her scales

*"Scale Diggers* are related to fleas,ticks and lice

*Luna has midnight black scales

*She has a purple underbelly and purple paw pads

*Her horns,claws,spikes and tail blade are a blood red

*Her eyes are a emerald green

*Her birthday is June 29th

*She is thirty one in human years

*In dragon years she is thirty one thousand

*Luna has a thick German accent

*Her fire is a black mixed with red

*When she is corrupted (meaning element 115 is near) she can breathe out Element 115. But it can hurt her.

*Her true form (dragon form) is around 7'1"

*Her human form is 5'7"-5'8"

*She is pansexual

*Dragons (much like bears and other animals) hibernate in the Winter

*She can shed her scales

*She now has some grey around her muzzle Since she is getting old by dragon standards

*Dragon mating season lasts from June to early September

*In her true form (dragon) she can use telepathy to speak. Instead of moving her mouth. (All dragons can do this)

*Most dragons are able to enter ones dreams. She is one of these dragons.

*She cares for Samantha as if Samantha were her own

*Whilst in her human form, she had met one of the many Richtofens (multiple universes and all that). They ended up having a child. A dragon/human hybrid.

*His name is Fafnir Richtofen. His human form looks like a mini version of his dad. And his dragon form is all black, dark grey underbelly and wing membranes. And he even has a little tuft of "fur" on top of his head

*Fafnir speaks with a slight stutter

*Fafnir is extremely sensitive to Element 115

*Richtofen made him a bracelet that can monitor the 115 that is entering in his airways.

*Fafnir is capable of breathing the Element. But, it hurts him just like it hurts his mother

*Fafnir (as well as any other dragon) was born with fluffy feathers! They molt when a dragon turns five

*Fafnir's feathers molted wayyyy later. Due to a birth defect. (He lost them at fifteen)

*Luna has a male form. She hardly uses it though as it hurts when she preforms the spell.