#i was NOT WRONG. mormon frankie REAL

[lemuel-apologist]

mormon frankie is real and canon btw

[cksmart-world]

SMART BOMB

The Completely Unnecessary News Analysis

By Christopher Smart

September 10, 2024

“THE SECRET LIVES OF MORMON WIVIES” — OMG!

Hey Wilson, hold on to your socks 'cause this could blow them off — “soft swinging” among Mormon couples! What? Soft swinging? Holy word of wisdom! Is that what it sounds like? The Hulu miniseries, “The Secret Lives of Mormon Women” looks inside the activities of a TikTok group of LDS 20-something married women — #MomTok. Send the kids to bed 'cause this is not your bishop's road show. Taylor Frankie Paul, one of #MomTok's influencers, came right out and said that she and her husband decided to split after some soft swinging with other couples in their friend group. No Wilson, we heathens don't know exactly what is involved in this soft swinging stuff but it sounds a bit dicey, if potentially frustrating. All told, the women of #MomTok have over 11 million followers and have secured brand contracts and other money-making deals that made some of them the family breadwinner. Not bad work, if you can get it. Of course there's a downside — other Mormon moms had to go on the defensive, insisting they weren't into soft swinging. Then a year ago, Taylor Frankie Paul was arrested and charged with assault and domestic violence after an altercation with her new boyfriend. Darn the luck. Are they taking auditions at “Real Wives of Salt Lake?”

SHOCKER — TRUMP GETS AWAY WITH IT, YET AGAIN

Well Wilson, hope you weren't holding your breath waiting for Donald “I'm-A-Victim” Trump to be sentenced in the New York “Hush Money” trial surrounding a payoff to porn star Stormy Daniels where a jury found him guilty of 34 felonies. Judge Juan Merchan was slated to sentence the former president on Sept. 18 but pushed the matter back to Nov. 26, three weeks after the presidential election. The original sentencing date was July 11 — but the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that as president Trump had immunity in cases of official presidential duties — which, of course, payoffs to porn stars is one. You see Wilson, Trump has never done a thing wrong in his entire life. He didn't have sex with Stormy soon after the birth of his youngest son. He never led an attempted coup on Jan. 6, 2001. He didn't take truckloads of top classified documents to Mar-A-Lago and he never tried to interfere with the election in Georgia. No, that stuff was all made up by Joe Biden and his deep-state storm troopers. See Wilson, it's like this: Biden weaponized the Justice Department against Trump because he would “make America great again.” But Trump's army of attorneys have outsmarted those bastards and so he will skate away, skate away, skate away...

UTAH BROKE ITS PARKS — NOW WANTS FEDS TO FIX 'EM

Where did all these damn tourist come from? All Utah did was spend millions and millions in a huge ad campaign to bring visitors from all over the country and the world to our “Mighty Five” national parks. But now they are overrun and Gov. Spencer Cox and the state tourist braintrust can't understand why the parks are packed like sardines. Where is the federal government, they want to know. And why isn't there more money for infrastructure. And why haven't the feds done more to spread out the tourists so there isn't overcrowding. “It is obvious to all of us,” Cox said, “that the federal government has increasingly failed to keep our lands accessible and properly managed.” Utah's national parks (who calls them Mighty Five?), Zion, Bryce Canyon, Capitol Reef, Arches and Canyonlands saw some 11 million visitors in 2023. Utah tourist gurus aren't suggesting that fewer people visit our parks — oh no, that would decrease private sector revenue. Utah law requires cities, like Moab, to spend hotel taxes on tourist promotion, even though local officials would rather not due to overcrowding. "In hindsight, I think tourism now is having more of a negative environmental impact on our surrounding areas," said Mary McGann, chair Grand County Commission. Clearly she doesn't understand progress.

Post script — That's gonna do it for another week of High Anxiety here at Smart Bomb where we keep track of the end of the world, so you won't have to. By the time you read this, the world may have come to an end. No wait — that's November 5. Ever get that helpless feeling, Wilson, that the future of mankind hangs in the balance and you are completely helpless. Yes, we know, you had a draft number for the Vietnam War and basically all you could do was go skiing, get high and listen to Bob Dylan and the Stones while pretending tomorrow wouldn't come. Well it did come and here we are. That ought to give you hope. Listen to this: sometime about 1,500 years ago Rome fell. If you go to Rome today, Wilson, you know what you'll find? Romans! OK, there were the Neanderthals, but that's a whole different situation — they didn't vote or wear togas. But still , Wilson, there are plenty of reasons to look on the bright side: we don't have to hate Dick Cheney anymore; a new film, “The Apprentice” is out, giving insights into the real Donald Trump; Justice Samuel Alito actually reported getting a gift; and there's a new Covid vaccine so we don't have to drink bleach. And if that's not enough, should the world end on November 5, the Utah Jazz won't have another losing season.

Shucks Wilson, we can't just throw in the towel because 46 percent of Americans live in some kind of an information vacuum. Yes, of course, it does make Portugal look better all the time. But let's not dither when we could be bucking up. So tell the guys in the band to put away the Five Wives Vodka and give us a theme song for the day:

From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road We'll be lovers once again on the Bright side of the road Little darlin', come with me Won't you help me share my load From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road Into this life we're born Baby sometimes we don't know why And time seems to go by so fast In the twinkling of an eye Let's enjoy it while we can Won't you help me sing my song From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road From the dark end of the street To the bright side of the road We'll be lovers once again On the bright side of the road We'll be lovers once again on the bright side of the road

(Bright Side of the Road — Van Morrison)