#i was EIGHT and it like. it wasnt something BIG big. definetly not. it was tiny. which is why it creeps me out that he remembers it
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#uhh#tw#so recently ive been thinking about why things associated with womanhood usually repels me#i genuinely dont think im trans i feel like a woman. i do. but i dont feel comfortable experiencing things that cis women experience#like p*riods are one of the worst things in my life#talking abt them makes me have panic attacks#and talking about like. v*ginas makes me uncomfortable too#its hard for me to even type it out#and but i like ? being a girl? i feel like a girl?#so it all makes me think i have this v warped view of womanhood ?? or smth ??? from how my father objectified and sexualized women#and being the only girl between all my siblings#and then also like. something that happened when i was younger#i wasnt assulted ? i dont think. but something happened that traumatized me. and i just recently told my mother about it this year#and she said it was p serious#and a few weeks after. she told me after a court hearing where my father found out about me coming forward with it#she talked to him outside the courthouse and he said ‘i thought you knew about that?’ like. as in. he remembers it happening#i was EIGHT and it like. it wasnt something BIG big. definetly not. it was tiny. which is why it creeps me out that he remembers it#because he was half asleep when it happened#and my mom also outed me to him#so now whenever i have to see him he calls me ‘baby’ even tho ive told him to stop because it makes me uncomfy#n all i can think abt is how he knows im not straight and he remembers what happened and he knows i know and i makes me so fucking#uncomfortable to even exist in the same realm as him#ANYWAY i cant tell if my problems with these things are because of childhood trauma or of its something deeper#anyway. rant over. i just needed to get it off my chest
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