#i wanted to but my friend told me he sucks and to use kanji instead 😒 /lh /silly

[kumakuma-circus]

shoutout to the p4 party rebalance mod giving naoto basically every element's ultimate skill.

she deserves it-

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 264: You Either Die a Hero...

Previously on BnHA: The kids of 1-A sat around waiting for something exciting to happen, and then it did happen, and they were all “!!” Over on the front lines, the heroes charged the Ol’ Villain Hotel with poor Kaminari crying the entire time, but we’ll excuse him since he is only in the second grade. Tokoyami gave him some gentle encouragement by reminding him of how hard he can slappa da bass, while Midnight told him to think of his one true love in order to find his inner courage, so he immediately thought of Jirou and everyone was like WHOA DID THEY REALLY JUST, and yeah, they kind of did? Anyway so Cementoss ripped the building open and Kaminari got all Thor on us and started battling this other electric guy, and then we cut to Hawks and Twice, who were having a friendly conversation similar to the friendly conversation Hawks had with Best Jeanist on the very same day that Jeanist abruptly went missing and was never heard from again! Hey, wait a second. You guys don’t suppose...??

Today on BnHA: Re-Destro gathers in the basement with all his followers and they’re all like “Re-Destro!!” and he’s all “what??” and they’re all “the heroes are attacking!!” and he’s all “:) :) :) the fuck??!” Outside, the heroes continue to wreak havoc, and between Edgeshot, Midnight, Honenuki and Toadette, I’m pretty sure they have actually killed some of these guys. But that’s silly though because heroes would never actually kill someone. Speaking of heroes not killing someone, back in the hotel, Hawks is all “(Ò‸Ó)” and Twice is all “(இ‸இ)” and then Hawks is all “I’m gonna arrest you but I’ll help you get through this and get back on your feet again afterwards because you’re a good person” and Twice is all “WHAT THE FUCK NOT THIS SHIT AGAIN” and does the whole Sad Man Parade thing. And Hawks is all “I don’t want to fight you!” and Twice is all “TOO BAD” and meanwhile Dabi is running up the stairs all “time to start some shit” and then the chapter ends. So while I’m relieved on behalf of Hawks’s soul, I can’t help but be a little concerned on behalf of his, uh, life. Shit.

okay, so! I finally have time to read this damn thing. but before I start, a couple of holdover thoughts from the prior chapter!

firstly, I want to go on the record now and say that I’ve decided once again that Hawks, in spite of all appearances, is not a murderer. you hear that Hawks. I’m putting my neck on the line for you. gonna look like a real stooge if you go and murder Twice before going on to fight Dabi to the death while we cut to Noumu!Jeanist taunting Bakugou

but in all seriousness, I just can’t reconcile it with what we know of Hawks’s character. his behavior during the fight against Hood almost got him exposed because he couldn’t bear to let anyone get hurt or to let Endeavor get killed. I know the HPSC got their claws in him at a young age, but in spite of that I don’t think he’s harboring a dark side. to me he always just comes off as tired and struggling to do the right thing even though he never asked to be put into this kind of position. he’s smart enough to understand the whole “needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few” thing, but he’s also young enough to still hold to a certain idealism, and juuust cocky enough to have faith in his own cleverness and convince himself that he can somehow achieve this mission without sacrificing anyone else’s life

so in short, I don’t buy the dark!Hawks theories. I just can’t. but I guess we’re about to see! and my guess is that Horikoshi will probably have Dabi interrupt before Hawks can reveal his hand either way, because Horikoshi is just like that. what a troll

(ETA: I forgot that sometimes Horikoshi also likes to troll by giving you exactly what you want but in the most painful way possible. shit.)

now, moving on, the other thing I wanted to quickly address is Viz’s translation of this very important line from last week! so as a reminder, here is readheroaca’s version

and here is Caleb’s

I’m actually really glad I’ve been reading the fan translations first, because it made me more aware of the potential nuances in this scene. so is KamiJirou actually being confirmed here, or not?? and I spent 20 whole minutes digging into this more the other day because I have no life, so here are my findings!

first, here is the actual Japanese panel

and while I don’t speak Japanese, I can read hiragana well enough that I was able to plug it into a couple of translators to basically figure out what was being said. so here’s the full dialogue:

どこかの誰かじゃ

難しいなら --

今一番大事なものを

心に据��な

so the part in bold there is the line in question -- 大事なもの (daijina mono). “daiji” means “precious” or “important”, but the thing is, “mono” for whatever reason is written in hiragana and not kanji. and the word mono (which can be singular or plural btw) can hilariously mean either of the following depending on the kanji used:

lmao. so basically the bottom line is that from what I can see here, Horikoshi purposely didn’t specify! now I could be completely wrong; maybe this is a common enough expression that Caleb felt comfortable deciding that he meant “person.” or maybe he just guessed based on the context. or maybe he just said “fuck it, you only live once” and just went there because why the heck not

anyway, so that was fun, and for me it reinforced the fact that I really do prefer to have at least two different translations to compare in order to get the most complete picture of what exactly is going on here in this stupid manga that I obsess over week after week! so now let’s finally get to reading this thing

oh my

I have so many thoughts whirling around in my head right now, such as “oh my god look at all these secret entrances/exits the villains apparently had” and “wow the heroes are so thorough” and such, but ngl, right now the biggest one is “why are they all entering so slowly??” seriously though. let’s just gradually meander on in single-file. no rush. meanwhile 800m northwest and 1 km east, Cementoss is literally tearing the building in half and the other heroes are charging full speed all “ARGGHHHHH.” and over in Jakku, Miruko kicked a door open so hard it killed a guy. but we’ve all got our own styles I guess??

at least this one guy 800m north of the hideout is doing some doorbusting. sheesh. be more exciting please

oh hey it’s this place

behold. the great realm and dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf. well there’s an eye-opener and no mistake

LMAO THESE GUYS DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING YET OMG

oh my god. first of all wtf is that shirt. and second of all oh my fucking god, let me just shut up and read this is amazing

SDKLFJLSJK

LMAO

oh man. Re-Destro is one of the few characters whom I really want to see die. come on Horikoshi. don’t be a fucking coward. he’s had it coming ever since he killed that little mouse. and let’s not forget Giran. JUSTICE FOR GIRAN

oh we’re actually cutting back to this fight!

I wasn’t sure if we would! shounen authors have this habit of showing the start of a really cool battle only to then cut away to a bunch of other stuff and leave us hanging for a dozen chapters, so yeah. of course, that may still happen. I’m just lucky that I’m invested in virtually every single thing that’s going on right now, so it’s a win-win for me no matter where we cut to next

(ETA: lmao there really wasn’t much more to this fight to speak of. but what do you want to bet Horikoshi will try to pull this shit with Dabi and Hawks next week though.)

holy shit

this looks like when I attempt to build a gingerbread house. that’s uncanny

lmao Kami

YOU’RE DOING GREAT BUDDY. KEEP IT UP CHAMP

(ETA: Kaminari’s ridiculous smiling face is the balm we all need in these troubled times. tempted to ask him if he wouldn’t mind heading up to that telenovela happening over in Twice’s room and telling them all to lighten the fuck up.)

Lefty is all “does he have an absorption quirk?” because apparently he’s one of the two people that never watched the U.A. Sports Festival? how does anyone in this day and age manage to come across one of the 1-A kids and not know what their quirks are. and you’re a fucking general or whatever too, aren’t you? god you suck

so now he’s all “I BET YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO HANDLE... A FEW MILLION VOLTS” jesus christ. I bet you he can! but still, that’s awfully murdery of you. and to think, he’s on your side!! Kaminari are you really sure you want these guys as your friends

YOOOOOOO FUCKING KAKASHI ALL UP IN HERE DOING HIS HUMAN YONDU ARROW THING WHAAAAT

straight up prepared to be massively disappointed in Viz when they inevitably translate the “Ninpo” part instead of leaving it alone and letting everyone bask in these sentimental Naruto vibes. and also ngl I prefer for Edge’s lines to be as close to the original as possible so I can better imagine them in my head. stupid sexy Edgeshot

holy shit “I’ve pierced a small hole in each of your lungs” !!? WELL ALL RIGHT THEN, YOU SADISTIC WARRIOR OF THE NIGHT. YOU HEARD HIM BOYS. I’M SORRY, BUT HE’S ALL OUT OF FUCKS TODAY

OH HEY Y’ALL, MIDNIGHT HEARD YOU WERE KICKING ASS AND DECIDED TO JOIN IN, HOPE THAT’S ALL RIGHT

and if it’s not all right, well. tough

can you imagine. you’re just a simple villain, chilling out in your Hilton Garden Inn HQ and minding your own business when all of a sudden the walls come to life and some fucking shinobu busts a small hole in your lungs, and then you just fall asleep. sometimes life comes at you hard

now Kamui Woods is doing his whole Lacquered Chain Prison thing, but we’ve already seen that one so I’m not gonna bother showing it! tough break Kamui!!

OH MY GOD IS THIS WHAT I THINK IT IS

HALF OF THESE PEOPLE ARE ALREADY UNCONSCIOUS WITH HOLES IN THEIR LUNGS, SO SURE, HONENUKI, LET’S GO AHEAD AND FUCKING DROWN THEM TOO LMAO

LOOOOOOL OH CHRIST

CLASS 1-B WITH NO REGARD FOR HUMAN LIFE!!!

LMAO AND NOW SHE’S STANDING WITH HER ARMS UP OVER HER HEAD ALL SMILING LIKE ERI AT THE FUCKING CONCERT. A COLD GOD IN AN UNCARING UNIVERSE. WHAT THE FUCK

oh shit everybody shut up we’re cutting back to Hawks!!

but you pulled it off because you’re so damn smart. so now let’s stand around and explain your plan to everyone. what the fuck, Hawks

(ETA: and the thing is, now I’m thinking that by “incredibly difficult” he doesn’t mean that it was the cipher part that was difficult lol. that part was child’s play. any simpleton could do that. no, the difficult part was betraying his new friend. anyway so how’s everyone doing? what a fun chapter!!)

hey everyone I still have unwavering faith that this man is not a killer just FYI

what does that say about me I wonder. let’s just completely ignore everything being presented on screen here. also what the heck happened to all this furniture? did he upend the entire room with his crazy feather attack, or is that damage from Cementoss’s shenanigans?

HAHA!! FUCK YEAH

I KNEW YOU WEREN’T A KILLER YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!!

fuck yeah. of course, I realize that by betraying Twice so harshly like this, Hawks has still found himself on lots of people’s shitlists. but I would just like to put out a friendly reminder that Twice, despite being the nicest and most loyal guy you will ever meet, is still a terrorist who was going to kill a lot of people because he’s friends with a guy who wants to destroy the entire world. so basically there’s just no clean way out of this and it’s all very tragic

but anyway if it’s any consolation, I fully expect Dabi to turn up in the very next panel and be all “BLARGH! IT’S ME!” before we commence with the single sexiest battle in this manga to date

lmao Horikoshi. “but before we get to the sexy battle let me just twist that knife up in there real good!” jesus

friendly reminder that despite all appearances, Hawks is still objectively the good guy in this scenario. anyways for real, how are we all doing this afternoon. how many death threats has my bird son gotten today. I’m afraid to check. poor Twice is so trusting and I really hate to see him cry like this, poor baby. but I’m sure it’s also tearing Hawks up inside as well but we’re just not seeing it

and here we have Hawks, about to unleash his Mangekyou Sharingan

“are you sure you don’t think this sinister maniac looming in the shadows with the deranged look in his eyes is a ruthless killer, makeste?? are you really sure?” Horikoshi asks while pouring every last inch of malice he can into a single chilling panel

and yes, you bastard. I am sure. fuck you, how long are you going to make me sit here looking like a complete ass. look, we get it!! either way, Hawks is clearly a compelling actor! but the question is, which one is really the false face? is it the smiling, easygoing Hawks who always seems to have a faint hint of sadness in his eyes? or is it this menacing figure stripped of all mercy? is it really so crazy to go ahead and say that it’s the latter? huh?? [pokes Horikoshi in the chest] huh?????

anyway so Twice seems to slowly be progressing his way from despair to anger, which is probably not good. heh. fuck

maybe I was wrong about Dabi showing up and saving Twice, maybe his arrival will actually save Hawks instead lmao

anyway Hawks is still being all cold and creepy, and he’s all “you have my thanks.” and Twice is still crying, so maybe he’s still more sad than angry. well this is starting to drag out now though so if a certain spicy flame boi wants to make his grand entrance now, he’s welcome to do so anytime

oh shit Hawks is throwing me a bone!!! yessssss

YOU SEE!! THE SAD LOOK. HE DOESN’T WANT TO DO THIS. HE’S A GOOD BOY. oh my god I just realized how tense I was. hahaha what is this chapter

FINALLY OMG

NOOOOO I THOUGHT IT WAS DABI SNEAKING UP BEHIND HIM. OH MY GOD I CAN’T. WAS THIS HORROR MOVIE SERIAL KILLER ANGLE REALLY NECESSARY THEN, HORIKOSHI. WHAT THE FUCK

TWICE SHUT UP YOU ARE DIGGING YOUR OWN GRAVE!!!

fuck!!! this is why I was so sure he was going to die! because he won’t go quietly; he’s not the type to ever betray his friends. to him the League are basically the only family he’s ever known, so of course he’s not going to just be all “okay sure I’ll go to prison and let you reform me”

so then what, Hawks?? you didn’t fucking think this through you stupid kind-hearted punk!

sob!!!!

is that one of Hawks’s feathers slicing open the mask. sing it with me guys. to the tune of Jingle Bells: fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuuuuck

OH MY GOD NOOOOO

I WEIRDLY WANT TO COVER MY EYES LOL OH GOD. I DON’T WANT THIS BUT I CAN’T LOOK AWAY HELPPPPP

FUCK ME, IT’S REALLY HAPPENING. HE COULDN’T BRING HIMSELF TO KILL HIM AND NOW HE’S SCREWED HIMSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE OVER, FUCK

FOR FUCK’S SAKE HAWKS YOU COULD HAVE JUST KNOCKED HIM OUT THEN!! YOU JUST HAD TO GO AND FUCKING TRY TO EXPLAIN YOURSELF. DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED IN DEIKA CITY, HAWKS. DO WE REALLY WANT A REPEAT OF THAT. SURE, WE’VE GOT CLASS 1-B OUT IN THE BACKYARD MORE THAN READY AND WILLING TO KILL ANY NUMBER OF BITCHES BECAUSE THAT’S HOW THEY DO, BUT STILL

oh shit!?!

lol excuse me are you really just going to end it there? fucking seriously. Dabi running up the stairs with the crazy eyes while Hawks regretfully thinks of himself and his side as “hero scum”?? fff

and that last part! holy shit! again, I don’t buy into any of the dark!Hawks theories, and that includes the theory that Hawks will turn on the heroes and end up siding with the villains (because, again, it has nothing to do with him liking the villains, or secretly resenting the HPSC; it’s strictly on account of the whole “the villains want to destroy the entire world” thing. like. unless you think Hawks is cool with all of that of course). so I have to admit this was very startling for me to read

but I do think this is probably just some of the inevitable self-loathing finally spilling over after being forced to play this role and do all these things for the sake of the greater good, rather than him hinting at a desire to turn against the so-called “hero scum.” but still, that’s probably as dark as we’re gonna get from him, and ngl, it’s some heavy stuff

goddammit. feel like we need to cut to some wholesome class 1-A antics or something after all of that. as always, angst is a double-edged sword that I always anticipate and love but am also destroyed by sigh

[greatfay]

controversial opinions?

Cold pizza actually not good. Tastes like angry bacteria.

There’s a completely separate class of gay men who are in a different, rainbow-tinted plane of reality from the rest of us and I don’t like them. They push for “acceptance” via commercialization of the Pride movement, assimilation through over-exposure, and focus on sexualizing the movement to be “provocative” and writing annoying articles that reek of class privilege instead of something actually important like lgbtqa youth homelessness, job discrimination, and mental health awareness.

Coleslaw is good. You guys just suck in the kitchen.

Generational divides ARE real: a 16-year-old and a 60-year-old right now in 2021 could agree on every hot button sociopolitical topic and yet not even realize it because they communicate in entirely different ways.

Sam Wilson is a power bottom. No I will not elaborate.

Allison’s makeover in The Breakfast Club good, not bad. She kept literally and metaphorically dumping her trash out onto the table and it’s clearly a cry for help. Having the attention and affection of a smart, pretty girl doing her makeup for her was sweet and helped her open up to new experiences. Not every loner wants to BE a loner (see: Bender, who is fine being a lone wolf).

Movie/show recommendations that start with a detailed “representation” list read like status-effecting gear in an RPG and it’s actually a turn-off for me. I have to force myself to give something a try in spite of it.

Yelling at people to just “learn a new language” because clearly everyone who isn’t you and your immediate vicinity of friends must be a lazy ignorant white American is so fucking stupid, like I get it, you’re mad someone doesn’t immediately know how to pronounce your name or what something means. But I know 2 languages and am struggling with a 3rd when I can between 2 jobs and quite frankly, I don’t have the time to just absorb the entire kanji system into my brain to learn Japanese by tomorrow night, or suddenly learn Arabic or Welsh. There are 6500 recorded languages in the world, what’s the chance that one of 3 I’ve learn(ed?) is the one you’re yelling at me about. Yes this is referring to that post yelling at people for not knowing how to pronounce obscure Irish names and words. Sometimes just explaining something instead of admonishing people for not knowing something inherently in the belief that everyone must be lazy entitled privileged people is uh... better?

Stop fucking yelling at people. I despise feeling like someone is yelling at me or scolding me, it triggers my Violence Mode, you don’t run me, you are not God, fuck off. Worst fucking way to "educate” people, it just feels good in the moment to say or write and doesn’t help. Yes I’ve done it before.

Violence is good actually.

Characters doing bad things ≠ an endorsement of bad things. Characters doing bad things that are unquestioned by the entire rest of the cast = endorsement of bad things, or at the least, a power fantasy by the creator. See: Glee, in which Sue’s awfulness is constantly called out, while Mr. Shue’s awfulness rarely is because he’s “the hero.” See also: the Lightbringer series, in which the protagonist is a violent manipulator who is praised as clever, charming, diplomatic, and genius by every supporting character (enemies included), despite the text never demonstrating such.

Euphoria is good, actually. It falls into this niche of the past decade of “dark gritty teen shows” but actually has substance behind it, but the general vibe I get from passive-aggressive tumblr posts from casual viewers is that this show is The Devil, and the criticism of its racier content screams pearl-clutching “what about the children??” to me.

Describing all diagnosed psychopaths as violent criminals is a damaging slippery slope, sure. But I won’t be mad at anyone for inherently distrusting another human who does not have the ability to feel guilt and remorse, empathy, is a pathological liar, or proves to be cunning and manipulative.

It’s actually not easy to unconditionally support and love everyone everywhere when you’ve actually experienced the World. Your perspective and values will be challenged as you encounter difficult people, experience hardship, are torn between conflicting ideas and commitments, and fail. My vow to never ever call the cops on another black person was challenged when an employee’s boyfriend marched into the kitchen OF AN ESTABLISHMENT to scream at her, in a BUSINESS I MANAGED, and threaten to BEAT the SHIT out of her. Turns out I can hate cops and hate that motherfucker equally, I am more than capable of both.

Defending makeup culture bad, actually. Enjoy it, experiment, master it, but don’t paint it as something other than upholding exactly what they want from you. Even using makeup to “defy the heteropatriarchal oppressors!” is still putting cash in their pockets, no matter how camp...

Not every villain needs to be redeemed, some of you just never outgrew projecting yourself onto monsters and killers.

Writing teams and networks queerbaiting is not the same as individuals queerbaiting. Nick Jonas performing exclusively at gay clubs to generate an audience really isn’t criminal; if they paid to go see him, that’s on them, he didn’t promise anyone anything other than music and a show. Do not paint this as similar to wealthy, bigoted executives and writing teams trying to snatch up the LGBTQA demographic with vague ass marketing and manipulative screenplays, only to cop out so as not to alienate their conservative audiences. And ESPECIALLY when the artists/actors/creators accused of queerbaiting or lezploitation then come out as queer in some form later on.

Queer is not a bad word, and I’ve no clue how that remains one of few words hurled at LGBTQA people that can’t be reclaimed. It’s so archaic and underused at this point that I don’t get the reaction to it compared to others.

People who defend grown-woman Lorelai Gilmore’s childish actions and in the same breath heavily criticize teenage religious abuse victim Lane Kim’s actions are not to be trusted. Also Lane deserved better.

Keep your realism out of my media, or at least make it tonally consistent. Tired of shows and movies and books where some gritty, dark shit comes out of nowhere when the narrative was relatively Romantic beforehand.

Actually people should be writing characters different from themselves, this new wave in the past year of “If you aren’t [X] you shouldn’t be writing [X]” is a complete leap backward from the 2010s media diversity movement. And if [X] has to do with an invisible minority status (not immediately visible disabilities, or diverse sexual orientations and gender identities, persecuted religious affiliations, mental illness) it’s actually quite fucked up to assume the creator can’t be whatever [X] is or to demand receipts or details of someone’s personal life to then grant them “permission” to create something. I know, we’re upset an actual gay actor wasn’t casted to play this gay character, so let’s give them shit about it: and not lose a wink of sleep when 2 years later, this very actor comes out and gives a detailed account of the pressure to stay closeted if they wanted success in Hollywood.

Projecting an actor’s personal romantic life and gender identity onto the characters they play is actually many levels of fucked up, and not cute or funny. See: reinterpreting every character Elliot Page has played through a sapphic lens, and insulting his ability to play straight characters while straight actors play actual caricatures of us (See also: Jared Leto. Fuck him).

I’m fucking sick of DaBaby, he sucks. “I shot somebody, she suck my peepee” that’s 90% of whatever he raps about.

“Political Correctness” is not new. It was, at one point, unacceptable to walk into a fine establishment and inform the proprietor that you love a nice firm pair of tits in your face. 60 years ago, such a statement would get you throw out and possibly arrested under suspicion of public intoxication. But then something happened and I blame Woodstock and Nixon. And now I have to explain to a man 40 years my senior that no, you can’t casually mention to the staff here, many of whom are children, how you haven’t had a good fuck in a while. And then rant about the “Chinese who gave us the virus.” Can’t be that upset with them if you then refused to wear your mask for 20 minutes.

Triggering content should not have a blanket ban; trigger warnings are enough, and those who campaign otherwise need to understand the difference between helping people and taking away their agency. 13 Reasons Why inspired this one. Absolutely shitty show, sure, but it’s a choice to watch it knowing exactly what it contains.

Sasuke’s not a fucking INTJ, he’s an ISFP whose every decision is based off in-the-moment feelings and proves incapable of detailed and logical planning to accomplish his larger goals.

MCU critique manages to be both spot-on and pointless. Amazing stories have been told with these characters over the course of decades; but most of it is toilet paper. Expecting a Marvel movie to be a deeply detailed examination of American nationalism and imperialism painted with a colorful gauze of avant-garde film technique is like expecting filet mignon from McDonalds. Scarf down your quarter pounder or gtfo.

Disparagingly comparing the popularity and (marginal) success of BLM to another movement is anti-black. It is not only possible but also easy to ask for people’s support without throwing in “you all supported BLM for black people but won’t show support for [insert group]” how about you keep our name out your mouth? Black people owe the rest of the world nothing tbh until yall root out the anti-blackness in your own communities.

It is the personal demon/tragic flaw of every cis gay/bi/pan man to externalize and exorcize Shame: I’m talking about the innate compulsion to Shame, especially in the name of Pride and Progress. Shame for socioeconomic “success,” shame for status of outness, shame for fitness and health, shame for looks, shame for style and dress, shame for how one fits into the gender binary, shame for sexual positions and intimacy preferences, shame for fucking music tastes. Put down the weapon that They used to beat you. Becoming the Beater is not growth, it’s the worst-case scenario.

Works by minorities do not have to be focused on their marginalized identities. Some ladies want to ride dragons AND other ladies. The pressure on minorities to create the Next Great Minority Character Study that will inevitably get snuffed at the Oscars/Peabody Awards is some bullshit when straight white dudes walk around shitting out mediocre screenplays and books.

Canadians can stfu about how the US is handling COVID-19 actually. Love most of yall, but the number of Canadian snowbirds on vacation (VACATION??? VA.CAT.ION.) in the supposed “hotbed” of my region that I’ve had to inform our mask policies and social distancing to is ASTOUNDING. Incroyable! I guess your country has a sizable population of entitled, privileged, inconsiderate, wealthy, and ignorant people making things difficult for everyone, just like mine :)

No trick to eliminate glasses fog while wearing my mask has worked, not a single one, it actually has affected my job and work speed and is incredibly frustrating, and I have to deal with it and pretend it’s not a problem while still encouraging others to follow the rules for everyone’s safety and the cognitive dissonance is driving me insane.

It’s really really really not anti-Japanese... to be uncomfortable with the rampant pedophilia in manga and anime, and voice this. I really can’t compare western animation’s sneakier bullshit with pantyshots of a 12-year-old girl.

Most of the people in the cottagecore aesthetic/tag have zero interest in all the hard work that comes with maintaining an isolated property in the countryside, milking cows and tending crops before sunrise, etc. And that’s okay? They just like flowers and pretty pottery and homemade pastries. Idk where discourse about this came from.

You think mint chip ice-cream tastes like toothpaste because you’re missing a receptor that can distinguish the flavors, and that sucks for you. It’s a sort of “taste-blindness” that can make gum spicy to some while others can eat a ghost pepper without crying.

Being a spectacle for the oppressive class doesn’t make them respect us, it makes them unafraid of us. This means they continue to devour us, but without fear of our retaliation.

Only like 4 people on tumblr dot com are actually prepared for the full ramifications of an actual revolution. The rest of you just really imprinted onto Katniss, or grew up in the suburbs.

Straight crushes are normal. They’re people first, sexual orientation second. Can’t always know.

The road to body positivity is not easy, especially if what you desire is what you aren’t.

You’re actually personally responsible for not voluntarily bringing yourself into an environment that you know is not fit for you unless you have the resolve to manage it. Can’t break a glass ceiling without getting a few cuts. This one’s a shoutout to my homophobic temp coworkers who decided working a venue with a drag show would be a good idea. This is also is a shoutout to people who want to make waves but are surprised when the boat tips. And also a shoutout to people who—wait that’s it’s own controversial opinion hold up.

Straight people can and should stay the fuck out of gay bars and queer spaces. “yoUrE bEInG diVisiVe” go fuck yourself.

[strawberryspeachy]

So on the last day of july i went clubbing

Almost immediately met a cute boy and he asked me to go to a hotel with him. I debated but ultimately went with him. He asked if i wanted to go on a date because fucking japanese assholes equate date with hotel.

Went. Hooked up. Then. He said he wanted to go back to the club because otherwise “it would be a waste of his night”

Yeah

So... went back.... watched him look for another girl. And felt like shit

Eventually a boy that was ok looking talked to me. I didnt ignore him and he got excited over me talking to him after having ignored other boys. I didnt intend to continue talking to him but he was so excited the entire time and was nice so i just stayed with him.

We left together and sat on some sidewalk and talked. I saw that both his arms had cut marks all over them

And as a fucked up person... i stupidly think that other fucked up people will be as empathetic as i try to be and my depressed friends back home

He told me some of his shitty homelife - apparently he doesnt have parents

He asked me to go to a hotel with him and i said no... so we went to eat instead...

He kept being overly nice (in words) told me that he works at an old folks home and that he wants to learn english and come to america and help me take care of my mom.... in a sudden way

Rationally im not stupid and know that was a line. But im pretty stupid in general

He kept asking me to be his gf and i told him id need to go on a date with him to decide that

I just wanted to say no but...

He didnt pay for my meal - ya im one of those girls that that bothers

We seperated and he continued to text my the next few days. We set up a date. He asked me to go to him in yokohama - an hour away from tokyo

Since id never been there i said yes. But this meant i had to pay an expensive train ticket

He did pay for dinner and afterwards convience store for me... mostly... asking if i had change

He wanted to drink at the pier and insisted i get a drink but didnt pay for it

And then took me back to his apartment

It ended up being fun

The next morning while he was showering i was just poking around at his stuff. Not actually looking for anything just curious about the things he has

I looked at his wallet (honestly to see the design but i also always wonder why japanese guys are so comfortable leaving money around who is generally a stranger)

And then. I found. Picture from a photobooth. Him amd soem girl. It was dated from a week before.

He told me the night we met that he broke up with his ex a year ago. But this picture looked very much like a couple

I asked him about it and he just said sorry and threw it in the trash (not a real trash. It could easily be taken out) he said it was from a year ago

After. Bit i took it out amd pointed at the date. He literally hummed and refused to comment ...but he told me hell only see me...

I shouldn’t take that as enough but i did and told him when i got home that ill only se him too. I told him i liked him - and to this point he kept saying he likes me over and over. He has not said it since this. Just said he was happy that i used his name.

After that i went to okinawa for a few days. He told me his sim card broke and he doesnt have wifi unless he goes to a convience store (as an excuse to text slow)

I got back the next week and stayed home all week from a yeast infection that i think he gave me. When he barely responded i told him that

Then he responded continuously telling me that i just got it on my own and hes healthy so it wasnt him

That weekend i went drinking with some friends and messaged him. He responded immediately and i called him. Asking when his phone got fixed. He told me the day before

Then he told me he has pink eye and sent a picture. He said he cant go out of his house because of it

The next week was my birthday. He said hed be cured the day after and we could celebrate. Then he cancelled saying the doc told him hes still contagious

A few days after he sent me a picture of him with makeup on and contacts in saying he went to the salan. I responded immediately asking if he was still contagious and tried to call. He ignored me

I tried to call more throughout the day

Nothing

Over 24 hours pased so i used another account to say hi to him. After 2 hours he responded to the fake account asking who it was

And i flipped the fuck out. I told him a bunch of reasons why he sucked and that he did and fuck him

Then he responded to me with long messages. Many of which i couldnt understand (hes used incorrect kanji before that which makes translation strained)

His excuse was that he felt sick and slept for 20 hours (but he ignored me for over 27)and that he wanted to answer his texts in order. That he doesnt look at him phone much and then got mad at me for not being worried about him and instead getting mad

He didnt addresss any of my complaints like the fact that if im his gf i should be a priority

But because im a sucked i felt bad for trying to hurt him and apologized.... he said hed forgive me if i buy him an accessory next time we hung out...

Yeah. Red flags. I too if i had other options... would have said. Thats a weird way to accept an apology.

Also before (on that first date) when we talked about our bdays cause his was a bit before mine. I asked him what hed wanna do as a late celebration. He immediately told me he wanted yakiniku (an expensive meat meal) and clothes or accessorys from an expensive brand he likes...

So he continued to take over 24 hours to reply to me. With very small responces - he never asks me questions. I asked him to call the night before i went camping and he said he couldnt because he was too drunk from drinking with friends. I went camping and came back and got him on the phone. I demanded him to call and he said he couldnt cause he was tired from work and would the following day

I told him it makes me upset that he doesnt talk to me and that i constantly dont feel good because of him. He just said sorrry. I planned to say this is over if he didnt agree to meet me. But he agreed to a date the coming sunday... the day before i began work again. He said hed come to tokyo and and had a plan. It sounded fun.

Well come sunday morning.... he cancelled. He said he didnt have money. I tried to call him several times and he ignored me.

I confronted him in person. He got mad at me for it. Said he got some sort debt collection and got frauded... someone used his name to take out money and he has to pay court. He said he doesnt have money because of it.

I asked why he never tells me whats going on with him (because im dumb and beleive this... actually i dont. I hope hes being honestly and just has really bad luck but)

This time like last time i told him the way he treats me is how really awful boys who are using me and playing with me treat me. And i cant trust him if hes like this but doesnt tell me why

Well...i was there... i offered to pay for out date.... besides the 11 dollars it takes to get to him

He asked me to put 5 dollars on his train card.... it takes 3 dollads to get to and from where we went. He... mad sure no matter where we would eat it would cost 40 bucks - wanting to drink alc and such. It costed 43 dollars. He wanted starbucks but i kinda said no by saying i dont rlly like starbucks - but he still wanted to get a dessert - 3 dollars

And... he wanted me to buy him that aftermentioned accessory... a ring. He looked at very expensive ones... i... would not have paid for even as stupid as i am.. the one he got was 15 or 25 I forget which...

The thing is... if he wasnt actually... if i wasn’t comfortable being with him i woulda stopped this before... unfortunately. As usual. Despite initially not being attracted to him i really enjoyed his company and find him to be fun...

He said that we should go home at 8 i asked about going back to him place and he said no because hes tired and has work the next day. He knows i also do too. At the same time. And i tried to convince him and he kept saying no. Then i asked doesnt he wanna have sex. He said that we should go to a hotel. And i protested that hotels are expensive and his apartments free and just a cheap train station away. He said hes too tired and just wants to sleep at his apartment but hotels are exciting so hed be awake at a hotel.

He pushed them and i said at that point id be spending like 100 dollars on the day and he knows i also dont have a lot of money.

We awkwardly went to a manga cafe that was only 5 dollars but it wanted you to make a card that costs 5 more dollads. And then i got fussy because too much stress literally makes me lose control of my emotions.

It fucking sucks and i hate it. I have no fucking control over my emotions when my stress is bubbling (which it almost always is) and boils over.

I asked him if he can even pay just the 5 dollars and he said he has no money. I asked how hes gonna get to work with literally no money and he said his conpany pays for it (yea japanese conpanies pay AFTER you go )

We left. It was a bad mood. He didnt storm away from me even though i was basically crying in the street (i have had this happen with even friends. I start crying and they just walk away so even though it should be expected of someone claiming to be your bf... ya)

Anyhow i told him i just wanted to cuddle and talk and kiss

He looked annoyed but i guess he thought those wants were cute and looked for a isolated place

Because were in japan

Couldnt find one cause we were in a city and he again just started saying lets go home. That hes tired and not in the mood.

But we were in a quiet enough play.

And im bitching here but ill take a quick break to say i kept hugging him and stuff which he liked despite saying he was really embarrassed

He told me ealier ok that because of this debt thing hes gonna work two jobs

Which. Terrified me. The first guy I went on a date with in Japan asked me to be his gf and to move in with him and said he had to work two jobs for a month to afford to move so he wouldnt have time to see me. He told me his progress for two weeks and then ghosted me.

This boy told me hell make time to see me when i complained about not doing anything physical when i wouldnt see him again for who knows how long

Welp. Todays saturday and that was sunday. And while at first i thought he was trying because he replied to my messages in or at 24 hours for a few days. Its gone back to the 17 hours

And i asked him to talk on the phone

And he just said not tonight because after his current job hes working at home too

And because im dumb ive waisted my whole saturday waiting for him to reply and crying.

[apothecarywormcrud]

11 and 13 for Masato? 👀 i wanna say all of them for Masato but.

oh i am DOING all of them i wanna talk about masato

or. well. most of them. 

1. Does your insert have a name that’s different from yours? Does the name reflect their character in any way, or is it just because it sounds nice? How did you come up with it?

I’ve talked about this before, but Masato’s name is very specifically spelled 眞人, (the kanji for “real” and “human,” respectively.) I sorta knew from the start that I wanted to give them a name with 人 in it; something deliberately ironic, because Mayuri is a dick who loves a bad joke. 

(It’s a particularly cruel joke in the context of Masato’s original backstory, where they were meant to be an experiment in what happens when you let someone think they’re a real person and then strip that assumption away. But I wanted to give them sick powers, so that was shunted to the sidelines.) 

2. Does your insert have a very strong relationship with a f/o, maybe more than one? 

I talk about Szayel enough on here so I’m gonna talk about Nnoitra instead. In my version of canon, his mask is cracked open by Kenpachi, reducing him to a state similar to Nel’s. (That’s karmic retribution, bitch!) Suffice to say he’s pretty upset about this, and proceeds to skulk about Las Noches refusing to let anyone see him until Szayel gets back to fix things. 

Masato meets him by chance when their powers are still sealed up post-jailbreak (this one’s seal 2: electric boogaloo) and is all like, what’s with this sassy lost pre-teen? Eventually they become sparring partners, since while Nnoitra’s regaining his powers, Masato is the only person in Las Noches capable of fighting at such a low level; and once he’s got them back, they can go hog-wild without worrying about fucking him up too much. Their relationship doesn’t have the same...belligerent romantic tension that Masato and Szayel’s does, but Nnoitra is fond of Masato, even if he’s horrible at admitting it. They’re friends and they suck! 

More abt. Nnoitra actually bc I love this song: nerfing him puts him in a position where he’s forced to rely on other people, and despite feeling totally worthless and vulnerable and having to undergo the humiliation of being protected, there’s also the experience of being told, “So what if you don’t have any power? That doesn’t make me respect you any less.” So he has the opportunity to build his self-worth back up based on something less subjective, and now he can actually interact with other people on the same level, which is great news for Tesla, who gets to strengthen his spine and be truly up front about his feelings, because Nnoitra no longer has any power over him. 

I think, for relationships like these, finding a level playing field is super important! And I’ve always been fascinated by characters who develop in opposition to one another and eventually meet in the middle. Masato and Szayel are also that way, in that they round out some of his edges, and he sharpens some of theirs, and the actual feelings proper don’t start developing until a ways in, and they’re not even admitted until post-canon, because in order to even consider that sort of relationship, the two of them have to come to respect each other first. Enemies-to-lovers is a fucking ART. 

3. Who in their canon are they closest to? 

Kurosaki fam and by extension, Ichigo’s friends. Masato has commissioned at least one custom jacket from Uryu. Also Arrancar Squad and my friend Percy’s insert Juro, who’s a creepy little goth weirdo and a visored.  

4. Does your insert have a backstory? Tell us about it! How does their backstory, if any, define who they are? 

Masato is a mod-soul based off of Mayuri’s quincy research. They’re designed to passively absorb reishi until at max capacity (which is quite large), at which point they can be forcefully “detonated,” destroying them in the process and causing a significant amount of damage to the surrounding area as the stored reishi is released. As a weapon, they’re highly experimental—meant as a last resort rather than something put to regular use. 

Mayuri dumped them in the human world, where their reishi absorption wouldn’t negatively impact the Seireitei, and planned to let them simmer there for about ten years. There’s a seal incorporated into their gigai that not only blocks them from accessing the reishi inside of them, but prevents any outside force (such as hollows) from sensing it. 

Once they become aware of what they are, Masato gets big anxious about anything that implies they’re not a real person. I’d love to salvage Kon’s original personality from before he was relegated to pervy comic relief because I think there’s the potential for some interesting interactions there. 

5. Does your insert have any magical talents or otherwise special abilities? 

Passive reishi absorption, and after Uruhara modifies their gigai so they can access their power reserves, they can vent it from their body and use the force to blast themselves around or add more power to their blows. Their body is about as resilient as a normal human’s, but the only way they can truly “die” is if their soul candy is crushed, which means that injuries that would normally be fatal are just excruciatingly painful. This definitely isn’t just an excuse for me to fuck them up beyond all belief. 

Due to Szayel’s tinkering, they eventually end up as what’s effectively an artificial Quincy. 

6. Do they fight? What’s their weapon of choice? What’s the motivation for them to fight, or to stay OUT of a fight?

They prefer not to fight if they can avoid it, but if shit gets real then they won’t hesitate, bitch. They’re reasonably proficient with a blade after several years of kendo training, and like to bring a practice sword into dangerous situations. It’s not going to do much good against the likes of shinigami or hollows, but it makes them feel more secure, and it’s a good misdirection tactic. 

Due to the whole “functionally unkillable” thing, they’re also far more likely to take risks in battle, and have a tendency to rush in without thinking when one of their comrades is hurt. 

7. What kind of clothing style do they like? What would they never be caught dead wearing? 

It’s all cropped jackets and harem pants up in this bitch. I drew them in that sort of outfit once and now it’s all I give them. They don’t particularly care for their arrancar clothes, but it makes them less conspicuous and also, Szayel insisted on it. Can’t have your prized experiment running around looking like some sort of ragamuffin, after all. I keep meaning to write something where they visit Sastre for a fitting, because what good is having other arrancar OCs if I don’t do anything with them? 

8. How do they fit into their canon world?

A side character who tags along with the main cast but ultimately doesn’t impact events too much. They have their own wholly separate plot going for them and it involves self-actualization and kissing arrancar. 

9. Their favorite foods? Colors? Activities? What do they enjoy in life? 

Kendo, gardening, bike rides through the countryside.

11. How easy is it to make your insert angry? Sad? How easy is it to twist their emotions into negative things? 

Masato’s actually pretty difficult to rile up, unless you’re pushing some Very Specific buttons (personhood is the big one), at which point they become incredibly easy to mess with. Szayel is...uncomfortably good at making them upset. 

13. What are your insert’s goals? 

Up to a certain point, they were happy to live a normal life and protect the people around them when called for. Then they wind up back in Mayuri’s lab and proceed to jailbreak Szayelaporro, retreat to Hueco Mundo, and strike a deal with him in order to gain more power and get mutual revenge on Mayuri. 

Post-canon...they start coming to terms with the fact that their body will never age and grow like a normal human’s, and that if/when they die, their soul will effectively be destroyed, and they decide, hey, fuck that shit, actually, and do a bunch of crazy science until they’ve got that shit sorted out (ultimately becoming like Nemu, if not something that improves on her design). 

14. Does your insert have any family relations? 

Isshin was the one who found them shortly after they were dumped on Earth, and kept them around for a number of reasons (the majority of which involved his Soul Reaper Senses tingling). So Masato’s got what’s effectively an adoptive dad and three younger siblings, who they dote on and bully interchangeably (and whose last name they may or may not have borrowed) (Isshin insisted on it, actually, since it’d make the documentation easier). They have temporary solidarity with Yuzu over not being able to see spirits. 

Mayuri is....arguably family but also like, fuck that. Masato does consider Nemu to be something like a sister, though, and feels particularly protective of her the more they interact. They have just as much a desire to help Nemu escape Mayuri’s influence as they do themselves. 

15. Does your insert have any enemies? What’s that dynamic like? Why are they enemies? Did they ever get along in the past? Is patching up differences out of the question for the future?

Fuck Mayuri me and my homies all hate Mayuri. I shouldn’t really need to explain this one. He treats Masato solely as an experiment and tool for his use. Unlike with Nemu, the fact that Masato is developing on their own is more of an inconvenience than anything, and before they broke out with Szayel, Mayuri was fully intending to wipe their memories and start over from square one. There is some good news, however, which is that Masato does get their revenge and uses their shiny new Quincy powers to seal up Mayuri’s reishi and get him kicked out of the captain’s seat. 

Szayel starts off as an enemy, since you can’t really have an enemies-to-lovers plot without one. He’s done some pretty atrocious things to Masato, but he treats them significantly more like a person than Mayuri ever did. Masato has very little respect for him, and the only reason they start working with him to begin with is because he represents a means to an end. Of course, the more time they spend together, the more tolerant they become of each other...among other things. 

[jouissezduprintemps]

Something to Prove, Chapter Twelve: Third Time’s the Charm

Rating: T Warnings: Swearing Words: 2417 Fandom: Naruto Summary: As Suna prepares for its first independently-held chunin exam since Gaara became kazekage, the sand siblings must make sure that everything goes off without a hitch.

First   Previous     Next

The spectators’ cheers roared through the arena, welcoming the genin who were scheduled to compete. Temari was surprised at the turnout; Suna wasn’t very central, so anyone not from the village had almost certainly gone out of their way to be here. She took this as a credit to how well she and Shikamaru had executed the last few exams. She glanced over at him, and she saw him flicking the lid of his lighter open and closed. He was impatient to get started, and his head was tilted back as he checked the position of the sun. To anyone else, he appeared to be cloud gazing, lazy as ever. It humored her that he was so frequently underestimated.

As the noise died, he was quick to begin with the rules and structure the exam would take. “Kame and Naoko,” he read off his clipboard, “you’re first. Everyone else can watch from the waiting area.” When he looked up, all but two of the genin scattered. He raised his hand in the air and brought it swiftly down in a signal to begin. Before the genin could move, he leaped to the alcove which served as the exit to the arena.

He stood by Temari’s side, watching the match closely. The two seemed even when it came to skill; this might take a while. Temari passed him two stat cards, one for each current participant. He was right. Their skills in taijutsu and ninjutsu were ranked closely, but the cloud genin had a kekkei genkai. Even so, the match could go either way. The betting tables were probably busy.

The hours seemed to drag on forever, if only because it took Shikamaru and Temari a matter of seconds to predict the outcome of each battle. It was too bad they weren’t allowed to place any bets; they could have made quite a bit of money, from what Shikamaru understood from the reactions of the spectators. As a proctor, he wasn’t supposed to show any bias, but he couldn’t hide his pleasure when Konohamaru and Moegi made it into the second round. Udon put up a good fight, but his opponent was several years older and had taken the exam before.

Shikamaru briefly took on the role of security guard in addition to proctor after Konohamaru’s victory, when Naruto tried to rush the arena. No sooner had Temari called the match did Konohamaru run to meet him in a display that could only be rivaled by Might Guy and Rock Lee in magnitude. He’d awkwardly sent the two weeping ninja back up the stairs to their seats, dreading what their reactions would be when Konohamaru met his next opponent the following day.

To their great relief, no major incidents occurred during the first nine matches. Shikamaru was almost hit with a fire jutsu when he rushed onto the field to call an unbalanced match, but that was the worst of it. For Shikamaru and Temari, it was almost a miracle. After the final match, Temari gave her brother a hand signal, at which he stood and gave his usual closing speech for such an event. The large crowd filed orderly through the corridor, needing no guidance or oversight.

Gaara and Kankuro remained on the upper level, where the feudal lord was taking the time to shake the kazekage’s hand and exchange a few words. Patiently, Shikamaru leaned against the wall and lit a cigarette, relieved that things had gone so well. Temari, who had extended her hand, took the pack from him and did the same.

She had just begun to relax when they were approached by Naruto and Konohamaru, who had remained behind while Ebisu took his teammates back to their lodgings. Temari flicked the ashes off the end of her cigarette, sending the glowing, red dust to the ground. Wanting to avoid stepping into conversation, she lifted it to her lips, providing herself with an excuse not to speak.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, gave Konohamaru an affectionate pat on the head. “You did good today, kid. Asuma’d be proud. Your gramps, too.”

The genin beamed at his praise, laughing to himself. “Thanks, big brother Shikamaru.”

“I’m gonna take Konohamaru out for ramen to celebrate,” Naruto declared. “It might not be Ichiraku, but we’ve gotta stick to tradition. You wanna come?” Realizing he was being rude, he added, “You can join us too, Temari.”

Temari exhaled a cloud of smoke before looking to Shikamaru. It was his decision. She wasn’t offended that she’d been an afterthought. Really, Naruto just assumed they went everywhere together at this point, even though he never asked why. Seeing that she didn’t care one way or the other, Shikamaru glanced up at Gaara and Kankuro. It seemed like they’d be a while, and he didn’t want to have to wait until they were through to eat. And, if they stuck around, they might get sucked into the political dance of formalities they had been able to avoid up to this point with the feudal lord.

“Sure,” Shikamaru agreed.

“Awesome! I saw this ramen place off the main road that looks pretty good.” Naruto suggested.

“No, you don’t want to go there,” Temari informed him, straightening from her position of leaning against the wall. “It’s expensive, and I’ve seen you eat ramen before. I know a place that will give you a bowl larger than Ichiraku for the same price.”

Naruto brazenly threw an arm around Temari’s shoulders, catching her off guard. She had to jerk her right hand away as not to burn him with the end of her cigarette. “Now, that’s what I like to hear!”

Temari shot Shikamaru a look to plead for his help as Naruto steered her along with him out of the arena. Amused, Shikamaru followed along, walking beside Konohamaru.

“You really think Uncle Asuma’s proud of me?” he asked. He knew that Shikamaru had been his uncle’s favorite, and he’d come to see Shikamaru as a surrogate who took his place after his death.

“Sure he is,” Shikamaru assured him. “He’s probably thrilled that you didn’t follow my lead and throw the match.”

“Hey, wasn’t that your match with Temari?” Naruto asked. He removed his arm from Temari’s shoulders and started to walk backwards so he could look at his friend as he talked. He chuckled. “Man, she was pissed.”

“You gave up?!” Konohamaru couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “But she kicked your butt the other day!”

“Watch it,” Shikamaru warned, flicking the back of his head.

Temari smiled to herself and hit it behind the palm of her hand, strategically inhaling from her cigarette. She supposed that a little flirting couldn’t hurt; they’d been doing it for years and no one had said anything. “Don’t tell me you’re still upset about it, Crybaby.”

“Alright, give it back.” Shikamaru gestured with his hand. “You take one of my smokes then insult me? It doesn’t work that way.”

As much as she wanted to turn around and tell him to take it if he wanted it, she knew that would be going a little too far. Instead, she looked back at him over her shoulder and tauntingly blew smoke in his direction.

“Oh, man, you’re just gonna take that?!” Naruto protested, falling back enough so that he could put a hand on Shikamaru’s shoulder. “Man up, Shikamaru!”

“It’s too much of a drag,” he complained, shrugging off Naruto’s grasp. “She’s already smoked more than half of it, so it wouldn’t even be worth the effort.”

“Make her give you one of hers,” Konohamaru suggested, not realizing that the conversation wasn’t about being fair.

“She doesn’t have any. She just takes mine.”

Konohamaru made a face. “So she kicks your butt and takes your stuff. If she’s a bully, why do you spend time with her?”

Shikamaru chuckled. “It’ll make sense when you’re older. Women are strange; they don’t work like we do.”

“Yeah, Sakura kicks my butt all the time, and I still spend time with her!” Naruto added.

“I don’t think that’s the same thing…” Konohamaru pointed out.

Temari laughed at this, enjoying the kid’s naïve wit. She slowed her pace until she was walking beside Konohamaru, on the outside of their small group. “It’s Konohamaru, right?”

“Konohamaru Sarutobi!”

“He’s Asuma’s nephew,” Shikamaru told her, giving a bit of context.

“Ah, I see.” As she looked down at him, she could tell that he wasn’t entirely sure what to think about her. Fair enough; few people did the first time they met her. She turned her gaze away and indicated a side street. “We need to turn here.”

“It looks a little sketchy,” Naruto complained.

“If it’s too scary for you, we can go back to the main street.”

Naruto huffed indignantly, insulted that she would suggest such a thing. “I never said that.”

The group stopped when Temari found the building she was looking for. The only thing signifying that it was a restaurant was the kanji for ramen painted on the façade. She dropped her cigarette into the sand and extinguished it with the bottom of her sandal before leading them inside.

The interior of the building was well-lit. It was small, with only a handful of tables, but the environment was pleasant. They were the only customers other than a family of five, who had tucked themselves away in the corner.

“Lady Temari!” The middle-aged woman in the kitchen beamed. “Sit wherever you like, dear. I’ll be right with you.”

Shikamaru shook his head. “I wish people would stop calling you that. It’s weird.”

“It comes with the bloodline,” she reminded him as she chose a table. Shikamaru took the chair to her left, and Naruto and Konohamaru sat across the table from them. She gestured to the wall by the kitchen, where the menu was painted in bold print. “They don’t have a lot of different things, but it’s all good.”

Temari was impressed. They had taken an entire hour to eat, and Naruto hadn’t annoyed her once. Although, she did need to remind herself that he’d been stuffing his face for a good portion of it.

Naruto patted his distended stomach as they walked, clearly satisfied with the meal. As the main road came into sight, he turned to look at Shikamaru and Temari. “You guys go on ahead. I’m gonna take Konohamaru back to Ebisu-sensei. Just don’t lock me out, ok?”

“Don’t worry,” Shikamaru assured him. “We won’t leave you where a sandstorm could take you.”

They waited until Naruto and Konohamaru had disappeared into the crowd before beginning their trek home.

“That went well,” Temari commented.

Shikamaru nodded in agreement. “I think he’s warmed up to you a bit. And he doesn’t seem to be angry that I punched him.”

“Asuma’s nephew seems like a good kid. But, aren’t you worried that he spends so much time with Naruto?”

“It’s way too late to do anything about it,” Shikamaru admitted. “He’s been Naruto’s mini-me for as long as I can remember.”

The two of them walked in silence for a bit before Shikamaru commented, “I don’t know what Gaara was worried about. Naruto’s completely oblivious.”

“We just need to keep it that way.”

“He didn’t think anything about it when he saw me in my underwear in your bathroom. I’m pretty sure he won’t notice.”

Temari turned the knob on her front door, but it was locked. Gaara and Kankuro hadn’t made it home, then. They dodged a bullet when they left with Naruto, that was for sure. She pulled out her key and inserted it, letting them inside. She turned on the hall light before taking off her shoes. “My back hurts from standing up all day,” she complained, more to herself than to Shikamaru.

“And we have to get up and do it all again tomorrow,” Shikamaru groaned. He’d forgotten that particular detail. He set off down the hall, looking forward to getting a little rest. They both needed it. Between the stress of the exams and the physical effort it took to keep a few of the genin from actively trying to kill one another, they were a little worse for wear.

“Don’t remind me,” Temari grumbled, rubbing her forehead with the thumb and index finger of her right hand. “I just want a hot shower.”

Shikamaru put an arm out against the wall to stop her in her tracks. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against her neck before saying “You know, if you want it hot, I can join you.”

Temari put her hands on his chest and pushed him away, looking at him in disbelief. Seeing his confusion, she burst into laughter, clutching her sides as she doubled over. “Oh my god!” She tried to straighten up, but she couldn’t help herself. “Oh, god, I can’t even look at you! I can’t breathe!”

“I was trying to be sexy…” he huffed, clearly missing his mark.

Temari shook her head as she wiped a tear from her cheek. “Never say anything like that again. Oh, god. Where the hell did you even hear that? It sounds like a line from Makeout Paradise!”

Shikamaru realized that his father and Asuma had more fun at his expense during his younger years than he knew. His complete lack of interest in women had prompted them to give him several unsolicited pointers, well out of earshot of Yoshino or Kurenai. It dawned on him that his sensei managed to troll him from beyond the grave with this one.

Finally able to compose herself, she took him by the hand and led him down the hall. “Come on, idiot.”

[tomans-darlings-au]

Mason’s Dream

(A Blue Exorcist Writing Piece I Made A Long Time Ago That I Finally Edited.)

A/N: This is a canon thing for my Blue Exorcist OC’s but obviously not canon in the story. It has OC’s interacting with canon characters so fair warning.

Trigger Warnings: Violence, Choking, Detailed Descriptions, Blood, Self-Harm, And Abuse

The sun was setting on a warm summer evening Mason sat in a grassy field among dandelions as he watched his brother playing baseball with some neighborhood kids. Under the shade of a tree he picked flowers from the ground, his thoughts of his visit to Japan with his father freshly running through his mind, oh how he’d enjoyed it. Mason had made a friend when the first time he’d gone with his father and the two still continued to keep in contact. Lost in thought he wondered if said friend had gotten the letter he’d sent days ago he’d been practicing his kanji and hoped his friend would be impressed. As he pondered these thoughts simultaneously weaving a crown he was broken out of his daze when he noticed someone had approached him, looking up the albino boy recognized the familiar face of a different friend.

“Anubis! You scared me, you shouldn’t sneak up on someone like that.” He scolded his old friend feeling startled.

“Sorry but i’ve been dyin to see you again. You’ve been so busy all the time lately, I miss talkin to ya.”

“Quit studyin all the time and come hangout with me again. Besides your mom won't even care she’s like obsessed with your brother so it’s no loss.” The raven haired tan skinned boy insisted with his arms crossed.

Mason gave a look unamusement at his friend’s blunt statement, it’s not like he was wrong but the older Zhu son did not like the constant reminder. Still despite his sharp tongue the boy tapped the ground beside him inviting other to sit with him and Anubis gladly complied.

“I know i’ve been gone a lot lately but papa has been teaching me about his work and I want to work like him too, after all the studying he’s finally letting me take a big trip with him. It’s was a business trip and not just visiting his co-workers but I actually get to see him work.” Mason explained to the other.

“Oh? Well that’s cool. I mean it’s normal to want to be like your parents, I just didn’t expect ya to be preparing for the future already.” Anubis mumbled a bit.

“Why not?  I mean my mother says you should have at least an idea of things you might like to pursue by high school.” Mason said nonchalantly as he finished the flower crown.

“...Guess i’m just a late bloomer. Still yer just in 6th grade it’s not that big a deal.” Anubis responded shrugging with little concern about the future.

“Yeah but the sooner the start the more time to prepare. That’s why I work so hard and now I can go on business trips with Papa I’m going to be able to work with him as equals one day.” Mason explained as his pale blue colored eye peeked out from his bangs.

Anubis smiled at his sickly yet ambitious friend, what kind of sarcastic response could he even make in against that. Instead the boy gave a simple sign of approval, Mason was delighted to have a supportive friend like Anubis even if he was kind of lazy.

“So...Can I finally ask what yer dad’s job is?” Anubis asked.

Anubis had been questioning about it since Mason first admitted to the lessons as a reason why he was gone so often now, he had been intent on keeping it a secret but Anubis was way to curious to not investigate.

“Okay okay I suppose you can know now that i’m gonna be going on official trips but don’t tell.” Mason warned him.

The small boy paused, he waited for Anubis to nod in agreement sealing their promise before he spoke once again.

“Well papa is an Exorcist he fights demons and when he took me with him I got to meet the Paladin Mr. Fujimoto.” Mason finally admitted revealing the kept secret.

Anubis froze he gave no response at first which was concerning to Mason his expression certainly changed. When he finally spoke again it was an icy tone looking away from the other, his tone was intimidatingly fear inducing.

“An exorcist huh...Must be pretty scary seeing demons…” He commented.

Mason felt the strange atmosphere growing heavy and dark it developed around them but he tried to continue. This was Anubis his friend despite the odd reaction he trusted him so he chose to ignore his own instinct.

“I-It is a little fightening but it’s not so bad. I met papa’s old friend Mr. Fujimoto-San who was training his son and talked to papa about training me. We met his son too who told me about his studying, his name is Yukio and he said his dream is to be a doctor. We were training together a little he gave me advice and taught me about the exorcist organization. To be honest I was just a nervous wreck.” Mason continued his words stuttering slightly as he attempted to ease things between him and Anubis by describing his trip as casually as possible.

“My nerves got the best of me for awhile but Yukio was very understanding. While he was showing me some of his training I was a bit of a clutz and my colored contact fell out.”

“Kyo saw my eyes and he wasn’t afraid or disgusted, he didn’t even make fun of me. He said they looked cool, i’m sure he was being polite but still.  To be honest I think I kinda like him, like like him you know...The way Papa “likes” Mama.” He confessed flustered and staring at the ground.

When Mason glanced up again to observe his friends response he saw Anubis standing, he was looming over him with a scowl on his face and an icy glare. Without a warning Anubis swiped at Mason knocking him over and leaving a gash in his face, blood dripped from Anubis’ now revealed claws.

Anubis no longer looked like the human Mason had been so familiar with, the young boy was used to the canine like teeth but now his mouth was almost un human. His whole appearance was that of a monster now piercing eyes, sharp claws, teeth that could probably rip flesh apart, and he’d even grown long ears and a tail.

“I knew you had heightened senses I mean not just anyone can gain the attention of a demon like me. Constant studying, the small of holy water, the chanting from you house I should have figured you were following in your pathetic fathers footsteps.” Anubis said in a playfully intimidating tone.

“A-Anubis you’re a demon?!” Mason was shocked still on the ground from the strike, his blood seeping from his wound.

“W-Wait please we don’t have to fight!” Mason begged his old friend who was approaching again, he rummaged through his pockets but realize he had no magic seals with him.

Before he could think of a defense the young boy felt a brutal kick to his stomach knocking the wind out of him and making him roll away. Mason coughed to struggling to regain air in his lungs even throwing up from the force.

“Man this sucks and I liked you kid… I was supposed to kill you ages ago but I wanted you as a pet instead.” Anubis said in a carefree mocking tone.

“Why do I always get stuck with the icky jobs.”

The demon sighed walking towards the child again, Mason trembled with fear he attempted to crawl away barely able to move in his state. Neither of the two heard the racing footsteps lost in their battle it wasn’t until Marco shouted that they were made aware of his presence. He swung his metal bat with all his strength to try and defend his brother without even understanding the situation.

“LEAVE MY BROTHER ALONE!!”

However losing the element of surprise Anubis was able to catch the bat easily in the hand, even with the boys strength it was nothing more than a small bother, like a fly buzzing around.

“Oh it’s you now? Did you really think a stupid human could hurt me?”

Anubis grinned as he bent the metal bat with little effort, throwing the broken bat away the demon punched Marco making him fall to the ground. Still the stubborn twin would not  stay down for long.

“I won’t let you bully my big brother!” He hissed in defiance despite his inuries and obvious pain.

Anubis sneered at him unamused and growing aggravated with the  pest, once again Marco swung at the demon who easily dodged and backhanded the child leaving a large gash across his face as well.

Marco hissed in pain as the wound bled the blood dripping down his face but he wasn’t given much time to ponder the wound now. Anubis grabbed the boy and kneed him in the stomach making him drop to his knees clutching his stomach and falling to the ground struggling for breath. Anubis kicked him again for good measure beating him to ease some frustrations, he continued the action to keep him down laughing at his pain.

“You think you can save anyone? You humans are so pathetic! You can’t save any- AH!”

The demon was interrupted by Mason who’d jumped him from behind unexpectedly, the two struggled until Anubis slammed himself and by default Mason into the tree making the boy lose his grip and fall to the ground again. Mason huffed struggling to stand again as Anubis was regaining his own breath from the choke hold, this pause gave Mason enough time to use his blood as a seal and summon his familiar Jack to retrieve his father.

“I request the aid of the king of harvest and lord of autumn's nights!”

The young boy’s familiar appeared and it was a bittersweet feeling.

“Jack hurry get papa! Tell him we’re in trouble!” The young page ordered sending the familiar off,  a familiar which Anubis failed to catch as it fled.

Mason smirked despite the situation and spoke to his enemy.

“You may be able to beat us but you’ll never win against our father! And one day i’ll become an exorcist just like him. Me and  Kyo and we’ll protect the world from demons like you!” Mason hissed to stall.

Anubis leered at the boy with cold eye, no emotion not even anger and he walked over to the injured boy. There was nowhere Mason could run he was in too much pain to move away from the tree that was supporting him, he was struggling just to keep up. Anubis grabbed the boy by the neck and picked him up just enough off the ground to make him squirm and struggle for breath.

“You’ve got a smart mouth for someone who can’t even stand up for himself. Do you really think you’ll save this planet?” Anubis laughed.

“You’ll never be able to protect anything you can’t even protect yourself or your brother. You’re useless, a complete waste of breath.”

“I... will... protect th-them.”

Mason still struggling began to speak a sutra he was taught by Fujimoto, even with his lack of air he still managed to keep going. It didn’t last long as Anubis tightened his grip on the boy’s throat which silenced him. The canine grew a malicious grin on his face, a smile that spread menacingly on his face  he had an idea. A way to suffer even further than death.

“Let’s see how you’ll protect them, how you’ll talk so big without a voice to speak of.” He whispered specifically in his ear.

Anubis began chanting something Mason couldn’t even understand as he panicked trying to escape quickly. The human felt his body reacting as the chant continued, he felt a strange sensation as if something was being pulled out from deep inside his body and he could barely hold it back. When Anubis stopped chanting he opened his mouth and unable to hold back any longer Mason’s mouth was forced open, an almost liquid like substance flowed out of Mason and into Anubis’ mouth. Once completely drained Anubis dropped the child who fell to his knees instantaneously coughing, hacking, and even throwing up once again. He opened his mouth to ask what the creature had done to him but the words would not sound, he continued to try and speak trying to say anything, make any sound. Mason screamed in desperation but even that was silent, the boy began to sob clawing at his throat in complete a complete meltdown as he realized what had been done.

The demon just stared in satisfied amusement more than pleased with his work.

“You’ll never use this voice again.”

Anubis told him speaking in the tone of the new voice he’d stolen. Mason was horrified something inside him broke, he continued to scream endlessly, silently, in agony scratching at his neck continuously until finally collapsing on the ground a cold, broken, numb mess. He twitched a bit with tears still streaming and almost dead eyes.

“How pathetically grotesque maybe I will  just put you out of your misery.” Anubis said raising his hand. Mason’s eyes followed the hand as it swung down in one quick motion.

Suddenly Mason jolted awake, cold sweat drenched him and his bed and he was gasping for breath. Trembling and winded he felt around for his glasses putting them on and scanning the darkness around him, he was in his dorm at True Cross Academy a sigh of relief was let out. Sitting up in bed he tried his best to calm his nerves before getting out of bed completely, still trembling he walked into the quiet empty halls of the almost vacant old boys dorm. His only neighbors were the Okumura brothers, the Zhu brothers were place with them both because Mephisto knew of Mason’s “condition” and his defense because of it and because their mother refused to pay for an expensive dorm for Mason.

Mason contemplated talking to Yukio but shook the thought from his head as he turned on the faucet to wash his face, he hadn’t had that dream in so long. Well could it even be called a dream? He was recalling an actual incident with great detail and  it honestly left him frightened and even more stressed usual. A silent sigh escaped as he looked outside the window at the rising sun, Mason couldn’t even really enjoy that it was all bittersweet monochrome to him. Hearing the shuffling in the Okumura dorm he realized Yukio was probably getting up to begin the day early as usual, since he didn’t want to disturb his friend with worries returned to his room quickly. He did catch a glimpse of Yukio coming out of the room, the two barely made eye contact as Mason quickly shut the door before anything was said.

The oldest Zhu twin wanted to begin to get ready for the day instead he just sat on his bed, the sun rays just barely shining light in the room he saw his twin brother smiling in his sleep. He felt his boiling blood of resent towards him, the boy who gets everything he wanted and has no worries in the world, oh how he envied him. Feeling extra frustration Mason decided to take it out on Marco passive aggressively of course, he quietly found Mason’s cram school homework scanning it he scoffed the answers were all right but of course from the perfect fucking child. The boy stuffed it in his pocket crumbled up he’d throw it away later or burn it, with that out of the way and Marco’s bag hidden from him Mason began to prepare for the day. A yes per usual a day filled with silent torment within his own mind, he pushed his dark thoughts away as he left the room for a shower.

[tackyink]

This one is sad, but I think things will look up from the next part onwards. Lots of setup until now.

Nothing is crueler than children who come from good homes

Another thing I learned, sometime before my encounter with the hospital ghost, was that Satori and Yu weren’t on the best of terms.

I’d said before that Yu had only been at the hospital when I woke up, and he didn’t show up any other day. I chalked it up to him having school, and if I had been in our parents’ shoes, I wouldn’t have wanted him around anyway. A hospital was no place for a kid.

I should have guessed by my mother’s reticence to speak when I asked about him that something was off, and little by little it became clear why.

My parents didn’t waste any time in finding me someone to help me study while I was out of school. I had class with two different tutors, morning and afternoon, from Monday to Friday, and though I was supposed to be taking piano lessons twice a week, my parents decided to set those aside until I was able to regain more urgent abilities. My routine, then, became a study marathon during the weekdays, only interrupted to go to doctor check-ups, while my father was at work, my brother at school, and my mother did household chores that never seemed to end.

My parents were kind, serious people. My mother had that stubborn determination of people who set a goal for themselves and never let go, and my recovery was her new goal. When I was not busy studying, she took me out to show me the streets near our home, my school, the train station, the shops. She helped me make flashcards for all the kanji I needed to memorize. She was there to ingrain in me manners that I had never been taught and rescue me when a well-meaning neighbor stopped us on the street to ask me how I was doing and I inevitable stumbled over my words. And she did everything with an unbreakably polite smile and a firm resolve.

As for my dad, I only saw him in the evenings. He didn’t give an approachable vibe. He wasn’t talkative, had a severe expression, and mostly spoke to us only to ask how our day had gone and give advice. The longest I saw him talk was one day at dinner, when he got into a philosophical discussion with Yu I couldn’t follow due to my limited vocabulary – and had I had it, I wasn’t sure I would have been able to, anyway. As time went by, I got the impression that he cared deeply for his family, but he didn’t know how to express it very well, as it was the case for many men of older generations. His way of showing affection was showing interest in what we did every day, even when the most consequential thing I had done was walking alone to the convenience store, he listened like I was telling him the most interesting story in the world.

He was strict and I never saw him crack a joke, but he treated us with the utmost respect. He was the textbook prototype of a family head, and he took on the role as if it was second nature to him, though when I think about it, I suppose it must have been taxing to be so restrained all the time.

And then there was Yu.

I thought he wasn’t talkative either, at first.

I was wrong. He just didn’t talk to me.

This went on for weeks, and while it was bearable when the whole family was together, it was extremely uncomfortable when Yu and I had to be in a room alone. He had perfected the art of ignoring me at all times, and only broke his silence when I addressed him directly.

I had to stop that situation, if only because it was fueling my anxious tendencies. For weeks, I didn’t know how to approach the issue. My opportunity came one Sunday afternoon, when I found him playing chess by his lonesome in the living room. He had a book on his lap, and checked it frequently in between moves.

I remembered doing something similar as a child, but I never put much effort in it. Playing alone bored me to death, and I didn’t have anyone to play with at home. My parents had been too busy with work, and my grandmother didn’t know how to play. I learned soon that all my attempts to rope somebody into playing would be useless, so I stopped trying.

Yu was a completely different kind of beast. When something grabbed his interest, he didn’t let it rest until he knew all its ins and outs, and chess was no exception.

He didn’t lift his eyes from the board, but he was aware that I was looking at him, and he asked in English, out of habit, “May I help you?”

I got startled. “Not really,” I said awkwardly, but I thought this was a good chance to try to speak to him. I didn’t lose anything by trying, except a few years of life. Boy, was I nervous about talking to a ten year old kid. “Isn’t it better to play against somebody?”

“Evidently,” he said with distaste, still looking at the pieces. “But I don’t see anybody available here. Do you?”

A ten year old kid that could be somewhat intimidating, in a pedantic kind of way.

“I could if you wanted,” I said hesitantly. “I’m not good at it, but it would be better than knowing your own moves ahead of time, right?”

The look he gave me was identical to that of the eleven year old I had once tutored when I told him that pink had been a manly color in the days of yore. “You?”

I was taken aback by the edge in his voice. “Yes?”

“You don’t know how to play.”

There was venom dripping from his voice. I didn’t know what Satori had done for him to be so resentful, but it had to be bad. Kids don’t hold grudges for weeks unless they’ve been seriously aggravated.

“I wouldn’t be offering if I didn’t know,” I shot back. I was not going to be intimidated by a runt.

His eyes were fixed on me, judgmental, and those few seconds felt like an eternity. Then he lowered his gaze back to the board and said, “Feel free to join.”

It was evident that I wasn’t wanted, but turning down his offer at this point would have been far ruder than sitting uncomfortably for a match.

“Do you mind being black?” He asked, looking at the pieces he was setting on the board instead of me.

“Not at all.”

The match that lasted all of five minutes before my king was cornered. He stopped several times to check his book, too. In another situation I would have been jealous of his brains, but I found too dang funny that someone almost a third of my age was destroying me at chess.

Even though I had never learned to play as I wanted, it was really fun to try to figure out what his strategy was, catch how a set of moves worked so I didn’t fall into the trap again. And I did fall, but I didn’t care. We played match after match, and save a few notable exceptions, I started to stretch their length gradually.

I sucked really bad, but that didn’t stop me from having the most fun I’d had since I had landed in this world.

By the time we were interrupted, it was getting dark and our mother was watching us from behind the doorway in astonishment. I was sitting with my back to it, so I didn’t notice until Yu looked up at her.

“Is something the matter?”

“Oh, no! You two keep playing. Dinner will be ready soon.”

There I went, feeling awkward again. Like I had crossed a line I didn’t know existed. And when I turned around, Yu was watching me again with that same judging stare, but I didn’t feel any hostility coming from him this time.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“Why are you doing this?”

I didn’t know what he meant. “Playing with you?”

“Being nice to me. Is this some sort of scheme?”

Holy shit. What was the relationship between these two? How strained it had to be for Yu, no matter how smart he was, to be asking that?

I had to say something, but there was no adequate response to such a question.

“Why would I do that?” I asked, avoiding his eyes.

I had been an only child. I didn’t know how siblings were supposed to act, but I had assumed these two had gotten along more or less like my friends’ brothers and sisters did. It was now clear that I had been wrong.

“You always make fun of me. You never care about anything I do.”

The words hurt like a stab, even knowing they weren’t meant for me, not really. But if I had to live with this family, if I had to have a brother while I found out what had happened to me, we both deserved better than this unending tension.

I thought, in a way, that since I had robbed him of his real sister, it was my duty to be a decent one for him. And if that entailed making up for whatever had happened between Yu and Satori, so be it.

“I don’t remember,” I said earnestly, eyes downcast. “But that’s no excuse. I’m sorry.”

Yu’s defensive stance dropped, likely because he had been expecting me to attack him, not apologize. “You are sorry?”

I looked straight at him. “I am.”

He was at a loss for a few seconds, but he hadn’t been swayed when he spoke. “Empty words. You are saying you don’t remember.”

“No matter how I acted, it was bad enough to make you hate me,” I replied. “So I am sorry. I’m not asking you to forgive me, but you don’t need to avoid me. I’m not going to make fun of you again.”

Call it an excuse to feel a little bit better about myself, if you want, but letting him be at ease at home was the least I could do for him.

He readjusted his glasses in a nervous gesture that concealed most of his face, and this time he sounded shy when he spoke. “I don’t hate you. You’re my sister.”

And then, it was I who didn’t know what to reply. It was very much like me to let a kid leave me fumbling for words.

“I’m glad to hear that,” I said. What I wanted to say was that I was not her sister, but I had to try for both of our sakes.

Something changed that evening. Yu was less standoffish from then on, asking me to play with him, helping me willingly when I got stuck with my homework. In turn, I asked him about what he studied, and found out that he had a liking for linguistics and philosophy even then. We started to go book hunting together, he for specialized manuals, I for everything that I needed to get up to date with what I was supposed to already know.

One time, as we made our way back with bags full of books, he remarked offhandedly that it was like I was a different person.

And once again, I didn’t know what to reply.

Satori kept a diary. Part of my self-imposed homework, for which I felt like a disgusting person, was going through it to learn about her. 

At first I wasn’t able to read a thing. As I got used to her handwriting and my vocabulary expanded, I was able to find out many things, one of which was made obvious constantly.

Satori was deathly jealous of Yu, and felt her parents were ignoring her in favor of him, so she was taking out her frustration on him. And from what I could understand, she felt guilty about lashing out at him, but she didn’t seem to know how to manage the situation, and neither did her parents. Satori needed attention, and her parents weren’t the warmest.

She did well at school, at the club, in her afterschool lessons. To her, they were favoring him just because he did better. But she couldn’t catch up to him. Satori was bright, but she was no prodigy child, and at some point she gave up trying, and her grades started to slip.

I didn’t get all this information from the diary, per se, but I was able to piece the picture together from years of conversations at home.

On one of the last used pages, she had written that maybe it would’ve been better if she hadn’t been born.

I closed that diary and decide that I wouldn’t read anymore. I hid it at the back of a desk drawer, under a box, and tried to forget about it.

Satori had never seen the faces of her parents when she was at the hospital. She had lost her life thinking she wasn’t wanted, and I could only hope that there was a way to let her get it back.

And if that happened… What would that mean for me? Would I just die if she reclaimed her body? Fizzle out of existence, since I didn’t belong in this world to begin with? If everything could be reverted to how it was before the accident, would I go to my old life without looking back?

The question had been in the back of my mind since I had learned I was living in Mushiyori and who my brother was. Of course I wanted my family and friends back, but did I want my life as well?

Again, I pushed that question aside, perhaps because I feared what the answer would be. And, in any case, there was no use in overthinking something that might not happen.

[wishingfornever]

10/14/17 – No Contact:  Total Relapse

Current time is 1am.  I went to bed early last night.  Can’t remember my dream.  Ariel unloaded A BUNCH of fucking information on me.  Like… a lot.  I’d fill you in but it’s more personal stuff.

I really should go back to sleep.  Tomorrow, I’ll cook myself a couple of eggs.  Not scrambled.  Fried, I think.  The one where the yolks runny.  I made a big egg sandwich today using an ENTIRE can of corn.  The irony is that there was like… more corn than egg and then there was too much egg for a single sandwich, which I ate with spinach and cheese.

It’s… all I’ve eaten today.  And an apple.  Probably should eat more throughout the day.

Whatever. Tomorrow, I’ll make myself a sandwich with those fried eggs I was talking about.  Over easy, I think?  Never been good with food terms, I fear.  I’ll use my seasonings.  As soon as I’m done with that Himalayan pink salt, I’ll get some seasoned salt.  I can’t wait. I’ll make it tomorrow morning.  Which is technically today.  Right now.  We’ll need to go grocery shopping in a bit.  Probably today or tomorrow, seeing how it’s the weekend.  I’d want to get there early to actually get avocados.

HEB sucks at restocking.  Like… the avocados they had last week were fucking gross.

I… want to learn what to do to make slushies like you make. Unfortunately, I can’t ask you.  I guess I can ask in a month and a half.  And then you can block me.  El oh el.

Yeah, probably an accurate guess right now.  Regardless… I didn’t do my sets yesterday.  I’ve been trying to get my sleeping schedule to work again.  Been waking up and not going to bed.  Unfortunately… I basically took a nap.  I’m not that sleepy.  Maybe I can go to sleep soon?  But even then, I’ll try to wake up at 10.  I’ll talk to Adela and see if we can go shopping today.  I want to go there at about lunch, maybe.  Just while they still have shit.

I should be trying to sleeping.  Watching a video though.  It’s titled “It’s Too Quiet.”  You know… that’s an actual thing. My dad said that you could feel when you were about to be ambushed because it’s literally too quiet.  I think the reason is is because animals tend to avoid humans.  If it’s quiet, that means the birds aren’t leaving or moving because there has been someone there for a while.  Thus, they stay away.  People intentionally don’t make noise, so it’s just you in the middle of a jungle with stillness.

We’re always hearing.  It’s… maddening when you don’t hear.  The if it gets too quiet, you can hear your own blood run through your veins.  You use your senses at all times.  When one sense stops working then your brain panics.  For example, white room torture where everything you see is white because you’re in a white room with no colors and you’re only fed white rice.  It’s a torture that lasts LONG after it’s over.

I think sometime this week, I’ll order myself a pizza.  I want to get it with ham but it’ll just be pineapple.  Oh, I’m sorry.  Did I stop talking about torture and blood and ambushes to talk about how hungry I am?

Kidding.  I got that gal from yesterday a pizza.  Now I want a pizza for myself.  I wonder if Pizza Hut finally learned that we’re in their district.  If not, there is always PizzaFino.  That’s probably Italian for Fine Pizza.  Sounds like something that’d happen.  Considering it’s a Latin language, I wouldn’t doubt it.  English is technically Latin but it’s also German.  That sucks because instead of having the best of both languages, we have the worst.  Foreign.  You don’t pronounce the g. I HATE words with silent letters.  Like… seriously?  Why do you need a silent letter?  It doesn’t change how the word is pronounced. Maybe it used to be pronounced for-ayg-in. Like…  Foreagan.  Hrm…  Possible name origin?  If that’s the case, why’d we stop saying the “G”?  I don’t know… Language is weird.  It evolves with the population and culture.  You know, Korean’s written language was supposed to be written by a linguist.  Thus, you could hypothetically learn how to read in Korean in a day.  What it means?  Can’t tell you.  Makes me wonder who the hell came up with writing the other languages like Kanji and shit. That was not written by a linguist, it was written by the clone of Hermann Fucking Goering.

It’s a joke.  Hermann Goering was German, obviously he didn’t write Kanji.  And Kanji was written before Hermann Goering was born, so obviously it’d be older than his clone.  See?  I’m so funny.  At least I would be if I didn’t steal the original quote.  Whelp!

Anyways… I didn’t call my dad yesterday.  Or Starbucks.  I have a terrible work ethic.  Maybe today, hopefully after I wake up at a decent time. I wanted to rewrite the chapter but I was so sleepy throughout most of the day that it’s literally bad if I try to write.  I need to be awake (sort of like now) or otherwise things will turn to crap.

My dad used to have a teepee.  He was part of a group called Mountain Men who basically longed for the days where it was frontier.  Not the settlers traveling by wagon but before that with frontiersmen.  That flintlock rifle above the kitchen he used in some events.  “Bringing home the bacon” comes from one such historical event where they win like a bucket of bacon by shooting a rope.

I remember when I was younger.  I remember the crispy marshmallows and campfires.  Cast iron pots and pans.  His teepee had this long snake wrapping around the outside.  A lot of bearded old folks in tanned leathers.

Current time… 4:30.  Still sleepy.  I’ve spent most of the previous 24 hours in bed.  I was hoping to wake up at 10am but I overshot my intended goal by six hours.  Still… sleepy.  I’m having a hard time resetting my sleep schedule.  It was better in California when everything went down.  Not because I was being good but because my family let me be.  Then my sister and dad kept insisting I join them for their reindeer games which takes FOR GOD DAMN EVER.

I’m not bitter, not trying to insinuate anything.  Well, maybe a little bit.  Because I tried going to bed at 11pm while I was there. Accounting for jet lag?  That’d be… 1am.  Thing is Janis kept trying to get me to stay up.  Saying she’s never there.  Then when I told her I wanted to go to bed she’d be like, “Boohoo, I never sleep ever.”

You know that sort of bullshit.

Regardless, I think I’m relapsing.  I miss my upswing surge but that’s passing now.  I wish I took more advantage of it.  Honestly, I had hoped I wouldn’t need therapy because of it.  I guess I’ll still need it… or medication which I’ve completely been ignoring. Maybe I should get on that again.  Use the Attend stuff.  Hrm…

I had a series of dreams last night.  One of them involved me living life through your eyes at Dennis’s.  Of course, it could have been Dennis I was living through but I spoke to your mom during the dream so I think it was you.  It was a little awkward feeling.  I think that feeling, however, is just my predetermination of what you must be feeling thus is my own bias.  The dream that followed involved a hospital and my Marxist friend who got pregnant recently.  There was also a lady cop there.

It ended with my dad and I driving through old towns and stopping at antique stores.  That was the most dramatic of the dreams for some reason.  Not because of my dad, but because I ended up sleeping with someone who constantly tried to get you out of my life.  Moving on. There was more but I can’t remember…

Huh… I realized something.  I’m sleeping on your side of the bed… I’m going to experiment tonight and see if I sleep better by switching sides.  I’ll keep this in mind today.

When you called yourself a whore… that haunts me.  I can’t get over it.  You said it was true.  It’s not.  You’re so hard on yourself.  And you wonder why I was trying to keep you motivated.  I worry about you.  Because I love you.  I love you unconditionally. Even if I completely move on, years from now you could show up at my door and ask for help and I’d help.

It’s my character.  I told you this before.  You’d REALLY have to fuck up to have me cut you out of my life.

What about Dennis then?

Yeah, well you don’t seem to understand what he did that upset me.  And even then, I tried to give him a chance to apologize.  With my niece, when she screwed me over, I publicly shamed her.  I haven’t done that with Dennis.  That’s my nature.  I will publicly shame someone who I think is a parasite.

You’re ignorant.  You’re naive.  You’ve fucked up, but you’re not a monster.  I know you… it may not seem like I listen but, I listen more than you know.

I hope reading this journal doesn’t make you feel bad.  I feel like it’ll make you angry rather than guilty, tbh (guess I don’t know you that well if I’m so uncertain; lol) but know it’s not my intention.

I got nothing done today.  I should probably just… roll with it. Like, I said I was more awake last night after a dumb little nap. Maybe I should just write at night and sleep throughout the day.  I could always get sleeping pills, too.  Something that’s not organic to force me to sleep.

I haven’t done my sets in a while.  Haven’t had a shower for a while too.

Ugh… this is a familiar feeling.  Negative thoughts tend to overwhelm me. The smallest things need the most extreme solutions… and I mean most extreme.  ><  Christ, I’m isolating myself again.  About two hours ago, Adela asked if I were alright.  I just said I was fine.  I have yet to leave bed today.  She walked Max without me. Currently 9pm.

Just went to the bathroom…  I should probably drink more water.  Yeah, I think my body might be pretty dehydrated.  :/

What if that’s why I’m depressed?  I’m only sad because I don’t drink enough water.  It’d explain why I get so depressed during the summer.  Because I’m always sweating and it’s hot and I’m miserable.  But it’s not hot here.  I haven’t drank as much water as I was hoping to.  I have, however, cooked more.  I mean… I am hungry now but I don’t want to go get food.

Eh…. Well, that’s one way to lose weight.

I’ll probably cook myself something in a bit.  Refill my water bottle. Then clean my room.  Then maybe write.  Of course, I told Shane I’d be available today.  I guess not.  So… feeling like a piece of shit right now.  :/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3DrpmXtpFtw

If you open the link, you’ll discover that it’s not a song.  Not this time.  Rather, it’s confronting a problem in Hollywood.  Just finding out about it.  Guess I should probably pay more attention to the news.  I really have no clue what’s happening right now. However, this video talks about something that’s happened to you.

You claimed you consented by letting it happen.  You tend to reference fight or flight a lot.  With Mark and Dennis, you consented because you allowed it and because you didn’t fight or run away.  Turns out, it’s not just fight or flight.  So, yeah.  You don’t need to justify that shit.  So fucking don’t.  Don’t try to justify their actions with your submission.  Admittedly, you confronted Mark but you haven’t confronted Dennis.  I guess you feel like you cheated on me with Dennis, but the way you put it… he and Mark are no different.

Dennis is a piece of shit.

Maybe when this is all over, you can.  Whether we connect or not, it’s irrelevant.

Sorry. Serious topic, I know.  I’ll just blame this all on myself again. ><

Anyways… Current time is 11pm.  Just made myself breakfast.  Two fried eggs in a sandwich.  Two slices of Swiss and a ketchup drizzle.

It wasn’t as good as I thought it would be.  Not because it’s bad but because I’m bad at cooking.  My hands are clumsy.  Couldn’t flip the egg very well.  I like it when the yolk is running but… it would appear that I’m not very good at working a spatula.  I basically broke the yolk twice.  First time was because I cracked the egg poorly.  So, it came fucked up.  Second time?  I failed at flipping.

Then I put too much garlic on it.  Was good but was kind of salty from it. I know I didn’t put too much salt on it because I had to twist it as I cooked it.  I felt pressured and rushed, so quality suffered. Not to imply that it was going to be great before.  That said, Swiss cheese is kind of… losing it’s charm.  I used to actually enjoy it.  When I was younger I didn’t.  Now?  Since I stopped eating meat?  It’s become dull.  I don’t know, I guess I’ll start eating it with other cheeses.  Like cheddar, which you and Adela don’t seem to like.  Not sure why.

She made sure to mention that the Mexican four cheese shredded cheese pack or whatever the hell it’s called isn’t Mexican because of the cheddar.  She emphasized how they only use white cheese in Mexico and I told her, “Well, I’m not making quesadillas with it.”  I intended mix it with some veggies.  Of which, I probably use too much of it.

Eh… Monterrey Jack is a viable option.  I might make myself some more eggs later.  I’ll have to do the dishes though.  Or something.  I don’t know, I’ll probably have some peas and carrots later with an apple.  I might have an apple now.  Then I need to organize my room.  Living out of my suitcase is fun.  Not sure if that’s sarcasm, yet.

I brought a lot of clothes.  Obviously, I’m here for a while.  Right now, they’re in a hamper.  A clean hamper, mind you.  There is a dirty hamper too.  We purchased a light net hamper thing while we were in California.  You didn’t take it… so it’s mine now!  HA HA!!!  >:D

Seriously, though.  It folded and fit so nicely.  Great for travel.  I’m glad we got it.

These apples… are so sweet.  The first bite is like candy.  And the shelf life is incredible.  I think I mentioned it before, but they’re great.  They didn’t even have to be sweet, they just had to last to impress me.  Above and beyond the call of duty, right?

Eh… maybe not so much.  I’m feeling better.  I’ll organize a bit and then take a shower, maybe.  Then write.  Maybe take a nap later on. Try to wake up early and go grocery shopping with Adela.  I wonder if the Attend will help.  I haven’t touched it since I got here, so… yeah.  Might be worth taking.