#i wanted to animate something but i didnt wanna get upset so instead i drew this :D

[sad-leon]

system failure

goes along with rotting leo

[thedappleddragon]

twofer except I don't remember what the FUCK I did yesterday

I think I played animal crossing and got overly upset that static moved out without warning. OH WAIT NOW I REMEMBER. I did fuck all except draw one of my dnd docs but older and edgier and bloodier and it was really fun and I sept all day drawing and hirt my wrist/elbow in the process because drawing on a phone screen while laying in bed is hard. 

last night’s dream was weird?? it started off with a memory that may or may not be real of me having trouble sleeping recently, and instead of actually dreaming I would only get elements of a dream and toss and turn all night. I tried assembling the bits and pieces together and it turned into me and a bunch of other kids existing in my backyard as part of a child turf war. there were warp pipe trash and and we all lived outside, until the scenario shifted to a bunch of us at the end of an art club meeting waiting for parents to arrive or something. I just know it felt ike an office space, and I complemented someone’s fursuit paws for having feet shaped paw pads. I noticed a hole in my onesie’s crotch, but when I went to a back room to fix it, I missed the bus. but we all ended up at the parade anyway. it was a HUGE parade that was tradition in some other country, where festival clowns dumped excessive amounts of candy off of floats and everyone brought their own containers and someone brought a canoe and there was partying in the streets. 

I woke up wondering how much of the dream memories were real or false. I got up at like 9 but fell asleep and actually started doing shit at like 11. my cat was meowing really loud and it was very cute. I fed her, hung out, played animal crossing and bought turnips (but I forgot to save and turn my ds off so it dies and lost progress), ate lunch, took a shower and washed my hair even tho I think I might have washed my hair really recently, did a clay face mask, and drove around with my dad and sister. first we went to Walmart but it took them forever to bring us our stuff so my dad went in and got snacks. he brought out Samoas and capri suns and it just made me really happy :) after finally getting our stuff we dropped off perishables at home and went to Kroger, asking about a (not cover) vaccine for my sister and did some shopping. I got some almond chocolate pocky and its really good! probably better not kept in the freezer, unlike normal pocky. we also got bagels but didn't remember until we got home that we dont have a toaster since ours exploded/short circuited a long time ago so now we have to use the oven or a pan like some sort of peasants. I've been bumming around since we got home, texting my friends and snacking. my dad got my sister and I 5 little candles each because they were 70% off at his work, so I burned one that smelled like blueberry lavender. I also discovered that my dnd oc Toni’s birthday is on the 23rd! maybe I'll post the drawings I did of her as a birthday celebration. it’s her birthday in the sense that the first time I drew her was a year ago, it’s not just some random date I made up for her. Valka’s birthday is 8/15, my Angel’s bday is 8/14 a year before hers. I love that I have most of my high school art in one place and not spread out on random homework assignments like previous years. I just wish I could have kept that up over quarantine. all of my recent art is on my phone, which is nice because it can’t get lost or faded or damaged, but then I dont get the experience of flipping though a sketchbook and seeing what little notes I had through the day or distressed cats everywhere to show how I was feeling. oh well. I hope I'll be able to pick up drawing everyday again. maybe when college starts. speaking of I signed up for  admitted student day at ball state! I was gonna say I still have to pay them but fuck that I’m gonna do it right now instead of putting it off any longer. goddamn it my nose is stuffy AND runny because I sneezed like 50 times earlier while I was burning my candle so I couldn't even fully smell it. phooey. unrelated but I'm contemplating buying myself a cardinal Webkinz to celebrate going to ball state...... meh if I do do that then I'll just adopt it at the beginning of the semester. I also spent a long time yesterday contemplating if I wanted to buy a mini spring green frog build a bear, but shipping was almost as much as the frog so I built a vanilla swirl lamb with kobu jacket and fresh flowers scent but that racked my total up to almost $50 and I didnt wanna pay that much so I just left it all sitting in my kart. and because tioktok fuckin loved build a bear spring from it’ll probably be sold out when/if I decide to go back and get it. I dont need it tho. 

[noxrynne]

i still remember where i like got that old username from

cuz i read a lot of fantasy back then (cuz summer in Arkansas at my dad’s and that place was legit an ass disaster )

and i remember readin like, one of Robin Hobb’s books? I think the first one in the Soldier Son Trilogy iirc

there was like a side character i kept relating to ‘cuz we were both socially awkward, not good at too many things, anxious balls of nerves and had like one or two friends at most

that character’s full name was Spinrek Kester and was nicknamed “Spink” 

and i thought it was a cute name and pretty short/easy to remember so i started using it (i think i used it like everywhere)

i remember i only stopped using it when i went onto this old, old TBRPG forum (Tears to Roses was the title of it, TTR, a like, anime-inspired slice of life academy RP) 

like there i played my RP character Kit (started as a joke in a RP on BZP tbh, I think... Rise of the Titans??? I think? since back then Kit was designed as a male and started as a male, but was a character who incessantly hit on the other characters and had 0 combat prowess at all so was the damsel in distress 90% of the time)

on TTR kit kinda came into her own as a character, like it was around when i was having extremely hard times with mental health stuff so i kinda pushed it all onto my character (so kit, as a character, was a massive ball of stuttering anxiety, shy as beyond all fuck, lowest self esteem imaginable, easy to hurt and upset, confused about a lot of things, and a vampire that refused to drink blood b/c it’s “icky”)

what like happened was everyone really liked this character, like in a “i want to protect this innocent being and make sure they have a good life” (which backfired initially cuz i tend to like having bad things happen to my characters to stir up in character drama, but no one ever wanted to be mean to my character)

and over time i never had like, an OOC name (i couldnt think of one i liked at all, i wanted to grow away from “Spink”) but since i played this character and a lot of people kind of associated the character with me in a lot of respects (we had a chat box we all talked in a lot) they eventually all just called me Kit. at first i was like “this breaks my rule about IC/OOC separation” but then it felt really natural lol like it felt more real of a name for me than my birth one, which i always found weird or didn’t like too much (and it was common af, i had so many classes with like 3 or 4 others with my fuckin birth name). 

(and all the crossdressing the character did was something i always wanted to do when i was that young -- i think i was in middle/freshman in high school at the time -- like i always wanted to wear the cute girl halloween costumes or dresses or gowns or skirts and do makeup and feel pretty, b/c i always hated bein called “handsome” for as long as i can remember, but i loved it when i was called “beautiful” or “pretty” or “cute” instead -- and for someone who was built like a linebacker and stood 6′ 2″ in school i got called cute a lot more than one would expect tbh

but I lived like, vicariously through this RP character. all the things i couldn’t explore, the character could and it wouldn’t be immediately attributed to me and how i feel b/c i could always cop out of any difficult discussion with “hahaha... it’s... just rp... that’s... all.” 

when i couldnt wear cute clothes or outfits i wanted, thsi character could (and it got to where i drew the character wearing all kinds of gowns/dresses/sundresses/sunhats all the time >.>;;; and made lists in my high school notebooks in my tiny ass handwriting of outfits i wanted to wear and stuff -- TBH had i known what the term “transgender” meant or had been taught anything about gender and trans-ness in general, i would’ve probably lead a healthier high school life -- i mean i also wanted to play the female parts in skits in classes and stuff, when the group didnt have any cis girls in it since that happened a lot (to my knowledge there was only one other trans student in the school, but she wasn’t out until after graduation at least openly, she was rly cool tbh). 

so like i basically explored gender/myself/my feelings/my mental health with this character and when i thought back on like “what do i wanna be named IRL because my birth name is not cuttin it”  i like, had: - Victoria -  Katie (thus the twitter handle KT2QT since it’s my Smite name)

-Kelly

- Kit

my mom was like “pls not Katie or Kelly” so i was like “victoria or kit” and after trying victoria for a while i eventually felt “Kit” was just more natural and felt more correct for me. Largely b/c of my RP history and how that character basically let me live vicariously through her to learn more about myself, in the end.  

i do remember my mom being a bit sad she didn’t get much say in my name and i understood where she came from, but she eventually got over that pretty easily even if she says the full name i want sounds like a stripper name (Kit Valentine) which maybe she’s right but i had a teache rnamed “Mr. Love” im allowed this ok). 

sidenote: i dont really hate the name “Spink” or anything, it just feels like a relic from a different time of my life and when I changed usernames initially, it was kind of me bein like “Okay, time to let go of all that shit and move on” like ppl can still call me that if it’s how they remember me and whatnot

this was a long post about names fuck