#i want to stand outside in a thunderstorm. barefoot and full of directionless rage. and i want to scream until i cry
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#i miss thunderstorms. summer thunderstorms especially. i guess i say that bc its only just spring and in the southwest it already feels#like summer midday. monsoons arent the same. theyre too patchy. they come and go on schedule leaving flooded roads and rainbows#i want a storm that builds. heat so heavy with moisture you can feel the air against your skin and the looming of dark clounds#distant rumbling and the smell of ozone. the ominous bending of trees as the wind blows in gusts. that suits my mood#i want to stand outside in a thunderstorm. barefoot and full of directionless rage. and i want to scream until i cry#ive been crying a lot today. i had to leave the lab early so i could lay down on the floor and cry for a while. such a blurry day#i started yesterday at about a 9. looked in the mirror and grinned like a maniac. danced around and talked too much all day. and then#started to slip around 8pm and by 2pm the next day i was desperately sad. which is probably a rational emotion to b feeling bc for the past#weeks. its been a lot ans before that idk when i last took a break. so im sad. and i have so much to do thst ive already signed away my 3#day interlude before i do back to 11hr days. so it goes. at least my energy is still pretty high.#but its weird. i went from +9 to -7. and ive been paying close attention now. its not consistent. the heights come and go. ill go from on#the floor crying to feeling perfectly normal in 2 seconds. or on the opposite end i felt happy and then this pulsating energy would#overwhelm me for a while then it would dim down to normal. like what am i supposed to do with that? track my mood i guess. collect data#make an excel file so i can run stats and make figures. track covariets so i can understand whats happening. a mood issue wasnt even a#little bit on my radar so im skeptical but its plausible enough to warrant investigating. so when i eventually end up in front of a doctor#i can b like: check this shit out. and present a beautiful graphical description of my irradic behavior#sigh. i should sleep. i was tried until 9 ans now i dont wanna sleep. but ive got shit to do tomorrow and it would b great if i could get#it together pls. whatever. next month i go on vacation so i just have to suffer until mid may#the things i do for thr collection of data i couldn't even begin to give a fuck abt. someday ill look back and b so sad abt this time#this time especially bc im not even drawing much. im too static-y#unrelated
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