#i want to sqeeze him until he dies

[homoeroticvillain]

ohhh my god

[kurlyfrasier]

Terrified: Part 9 (final)

Raph x Reader

Synopsis: Raph saves you from ruffians one night in an alley after watching out for you for weeks without you knowing. Which leads you to getting to know the guys and becoming part of the family. But Raph keeps a distance and you don’t understand why. 

Word Count: 1364

Warnings: happy, happy, happy!

*A/N: I just realized I made an error....reader has a roommate and I wrote somewhere that reader lost their apartment. Let’s all pretend reader’s friend had no choice but to find a roommate so friend had to kick them out since reader lost their job. (hopefully that all made sense) Please and thank you! 

Also, this fic got so outta hand! It was originally supposed to be a one-shot, then it morphed, then it became a black hole, and now...well this is the end! I’m sorry if this feels rushed for any of you, I needed to stop before I ended up killing somebody off and had them haunting the lair lol Granted, that would be a good fic...

PLEASE ENJOY & THANK YOU FOR READING THIS ROLLER COASTER OF A FIC! :D you have all been fantastic.

“Okay,” you chirped, playing with the ends of Raph’s bandana. You sounded happy. Too happy. Especially considering you had looked a little frightened a moment ago.

Raph raised his head to find a toothy grin on your face. He squinted up at you suspiciously.

You noticed and let your face fall like it was minutes ago.

“What?”

He didn’t respond as he thought over everything he had said. What was it that made you smile?

“Ya seem…,” Raph switched tactics. “I expected ya ta argue.”

“About?”

“Gettin’ good sleep-”

“Well, I do feel exhausted. I couldn’t sleep cos I was worried something bad might happen to you,” you explained.

“Eatin’ betta-”

“I promise I will try. But I’m really not hungry. And food hurts,” you pouted.

“Bein’ glued ta my side.”

Silence. Your eyes flitted up to the tv as you pretended not to hear him.

“Y/n,” Raph shook you slightly to get your attention, but you only gave him a quick glance. He stood, bringing you with him as he blocked your view of the tv. “I don’ think ya understand wha’ that entails, Swee’heart.”

“What, what entails?” You muttered quietly, looking down at the floor.

“Stickin’ to my side,” he gently lifted your chin, forcing eye contact. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Raph continued to hold your gaze. “It means no video games with Mikey unless I’m there. No science experiments with Donnie unless I’m in the room with ya. No meditating for hours with Leo, cos we both know I don’ do long meditation.”

“What about tea with Splinter?”

“I figure ya can drink tea with Sensei while I take care of personal needs.”

You nodded your understanding. Well, as much as Raph would allow with his finger under your chin.

“And last, but not least; hours upon hours of sittin’ in the dojo while I get back inta fightin’ shape.”

A flash of fear crossed over your features before you could hide it from him. If he hadn’t been boring into your eyes, looking for any tell tale sign of what was really going on in your pretty little head, he would have missed it. 

“And ya still not gonna argue ‘bout it, huh?” He continued as the gears turned in his head. Which word, exactly, had you scared?

Then it clicked.

Fighting.

You were afraid of him going topside again.

“Is that what this is all about?” Raph questioned, still not letting go even though his grip tightened a tad.

It all started to make sense.

“What is wha-”

Why you didn’t argue.

“No, Princess,” he seethed. “Tell me you didn’t.”

Why you stopped eating.

“Didn’t wha-”

If you were glued to him.

“Stop eatin’ cos a me,” he growled.

Then he couldn’t go topside.

“Well- I, uh- I- No?” You slammed your eyes closed and a tear rolled down your sunken cheek.

And if he couldn’t go topside.

“Ya put yerself in danger!” He finally ripped his hand out from under your chin as his voice echoed beyond the room.

Then he was stuck in the lair. 

“I’m not in dange-” He shook your hand away when you reached for his arm.

Where he couldn’t get hurt.

~~~~~~~~~~~ 

To say I was scared was an understatement. Terrified didn’t even cover it. Petrified did. 

I was petrified. 

Raph had figured it out. Somehow. Some way. I could tell the moment it all clicked together. My plan failed. Utterly and completely. It didn’t even last a whole day! How was I supposed to keep him safe now?

“Yes, ya are!” Raph shouted, exasperated.

“No! I’m fine! See?” I sobbed out, motioning to myself as if I hadn’t lost the weight. As if I had been sleeping fine.

“Ya not fine!” He started pacing like earlier, fists clenched. “Ya sick! Ya hurtin’ yerself!” Raph boomed louder than I had ever heard. “Yer killin’ yerself, Y/n,” he choked out, his back facing me as I watched him fall to his knees, head in his hands.

It broke my heart.

I never meant for this.

I never meant to-

“Don’tcha see?” He mumbled through his hands, a tremble to his normally confident voice. 

I quickly made my way in front of him to wrap my arms around his neck. 

“Yer my life,” he pulled me so close it hurt, soaking my shirt with his silent tears. “Yer everything. I couldn’ live without ya. I couldn’ bear it. There’d be no point in fightin’ if ya weren’ around, Swee’heart.”

“Then what about me?” I sniffled, unable to stop my own tears- happy- sad- frustrated tears- from flowing. “You almost died! If you had-”

“Don’t say it,” he rasped, sqeezing me a little tighter, effectively shutting me up.

“You think I could live without you?” I asked him, lightly pulling on his bandana tails, silently asking him to look at me. 

He did. And those glassy eyes tore at my heart once more.

“I know ya can,” he whispered roughly. “Ya don’ need a freak like me in ya life.”

“Yes I do!” I bawled out. “Quite literally, Raph. Those guys would’ve killed me the night we met.”

His gaze hardened at the memory.

“You literally saved my life,” I gave him my most tender smile. “Who else is going to protect me, if not you?”

~~~~~~~~~~

Your words were like music to Raph’s ears. His heart soared at the thought of you even feeling an inkling about him the way he did about you. Vaguely, he knew you felt the same, especially with that spark in your eye and that little smile tugging at your lips. His heart melted at the realization.

“I though-” he cleared his throat before continuing. “I thought I scared ya tha’ night in the alley.”

“What gave you that idea?” You asked gently, rubbing small circles on his shoulder.

“Yer were always so fidgety ‘round me,” he shrugged, trying to hide how much that really hurt all those months.

“That’s because you hardly said a word to me! Not to mention you only looked at me to check for injuries-”

“Ya really think tha’s what I was really doin?” Raph smirked up at your shocked expression.

“Oh…”

~~~~~~~~~~~

Raph had done exactly what he had promised over the next several weeks. He never let you out of his sight. He made sure you slept a good eight hours each night. He cooked and fed you- making doubly sure you didn’t go retch it up.

It was a long, arduous journey to get your appetite back, but you did your best. Every great once in a while you couldn’t help but empty your stomach. Raph stuck with you through it all. Held your hair back, wiped you down with a cool cloth, and made sure you knew it was going to get better- that it just takes time- as he rocked you to sleep. 

Most of your time was spent in the dojo as Raph got back into “fighting shape,” just like he said. He even made you train with him once you started eating better. He said it would be good for you. That it was healthy for you- more than just physically. After each session he would assure you that he would be more careful when he got to go topside again. That he would try not to do anything too stupid. You believed him. You really did. But that didn’t mean you worried any less. Plus, you were coming to terms with the fact that he would never stop his vigilante work. You couldn’t blame him, not really. His brothers needed him. The city needed him. It was part of who he was and you wouldn’t change that for the world.

Even if the thought of him going topside did still terrify you deep in your bones.

Needless to say, you were happier than you’ve ever been.You were in the best shape of your life. You got your job back and chose to stay living in the lair with the man of your dreams. When your demons came back to haunt you, your new family chased them away.

You were loved.

You were happy.

And you couldn’t imagine anything better.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

To those who have an eating disorder,

You are beautiful. You are loved. Please eat! Your friends and family worry about you. They love you, even if they don’t show it well. I worry about you! I love you! Please stop hurting yourself! Please! Fight those demons! YOU ARE STRONG. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE WONDERFUL.

Those people who made you believe you were anything less than what you are, are WRONG. They are jealous and petty and cruel. If people told you what you are doing won’t hurt you- that it’s healthy- they are WRONG. DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. You may not know this, but this disorder- this demon- can KILL you. I, personally, do not want you to die.

Please, I beg of you to listen to that tiny voice in the back of your mind that whispers you will beat this. That you will win. That you are gorgeous. That you will be happy again.

If you can’t hear that voice then listen to your family and friends who are there for you. Who care about you. Who encourage you. Who love you.

If you can’t fight for yourself, then fight for them until you can.

With all my love,

KurlyFrasier

P.S. If you ever need an ear, I’m here. Please, do not be afraid to ask for help. We all have our demons to fight.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Want to read more by me? Masterlist

[haderpjs]

Eddie lives.

But Richie at the beginning isn’t allowed to see him, (no one is, obviously, he’s under surgery) the losers try to take him to the Town House so he can sleep and change his filthy clothes, they try, more than once each, until Richie finally agrees.

Eddie had more than one surgery, Richie wasn’t paying so much attention to what the doctors were saying to them. All the things they had to do to save Eddie's life sounded numb and far away because he was occupied thinking on how he might be so close to losing Eddie a g a i n, after just having got him back.

Now clean and rested (not really he couldn’t sleep more than two hours because he made the mistake of entering to Eddie’s room and see the blood all over the bathroom floor) he is finally allowed to see Eddie, it’s been almost 10 hours since they first brought Eddie to the hospital. It hurts to see his dearest friend all pale and weak and tied to diverse devices and machines but it’s a million times better than what he saw in the deadlights.

They stay all the hours the doctors allow them to, when the night comes he’s the only one who doesn’t go back to the Town House. He stays besides Eddie because he is afraid of leaving his friend alone, he is afraid of Edie dying even when the doctors said he was in no danger anymore, he can’t leave Eddie, he can’t lose him after he just got him back, -you don’t ‘got him’ don’t be stupid, he is married and you know it- he tells himself.

Richie sits on the chair besides Eddie’s bed, since the bed is taller he can rest his head on the mattress. He knows he should put his glasses on the table but he finds himself being comfortably at peace por once since he arrived to Derry and he might not want to fall asleep but he is so tired, without realizing or thinking much about it his body is already reaching out for Eddie’s, Richie holds his friend’s hand and lets the [beep beep beep] of the heart rate monitor drift him to sleep, -it’s practically the sound of Eddie’s heart- he tinks and sure it isn’t the most comfortable position but he won’t let go of Eddie’s hand.

He wakes up in the middle of the night all startled and alarmed, he adjusts his crooked glasses and once his eyes adjust to the darkness of the room and then he can see how the dim glow from outside lightens Eddie’s facial features, Richie feels like crying for the nth time since he woke up from the deadlights. And jus now he had dreamed what he saw in those fucking magic demonic lights.

‘‘Hey Eds, you ...  you have to wake up man’‘ his voice is barely a whisper

[beep beep beep]

‘‘Not like, right now I know you’re on a lot of drugs and very weak from the surgeries but-huh’‘ he whimpers and tries to calm himself

-Of couse Eddie will wake up, we killed that fucking demonic clown, we won, and we remember each other and we’ll not forget this time!-

‘‘y’know you’re the strongest person I know right?, and you’re so brave Eds, I hope you know I meant what I said down there in the sewers, you are braver than you believe you are’‘

-Eddie will wake up and I’ll tell him how brave he is to his face until he believes it-

‘‘But you’re an Idiot too’‘ he can’t contain the little giggle that escapes his mouth

‘‘Why did you save me?’‘ he asks to the unconscious man lying in fron of him

[beep beep beep]

-It should’ve been me- that thought is been in Richie’s head since they were draggind Eddie outside from neitbolt.

He was the one with the stupid trashmouth that got himself in the deadlights and he probably should have died with his brains fried or whatever. It sucked that Eddie had to rescue him only to nearly die impaled. If Richie just hadn’t acted stupidily. But he knows Eddie did it because they are best friends, the same way Eddie would have done it for Bill or any other of the losers, Richie also knows he would have done the same thing, bitch he did what he did because Mike was about to die and even if it wasn’t the most smart thing to do he’d do that again just so Mike or any other of his friends wouldn't die.

[beep beep beep]

‘‘Why did that fucking clown had to hurt you?’‘ He lets out a sob and burries his head on the space between Eddie’s arm and the right side of his torso

-to hurt me, It did it because he knew my secret, always knew and It did it in front of my eyes, because he knew my dirty little secret because It knew one of my biggest fears is losing you-

Sure the moment pennywise died Eddie’s bleeding had stopped and when they put Eddie in the ambulance Richie is sure the hole in his chest wasn't as big as pennywise claw must’ve first pierced through Eddie’s chest, but Eddie still lost plenty blood and the internal damage still was there. He wishes Eddie’s injury had dissapeared the moment they killed that demonic clown.

‘‘I know you’re out of danger now but you didn’t deserve this, you didn’t have to, for ANY reason, especially not for me’‘

[beep beep beep]

He hated himself for being the cause Eddie was now lying almost lifeless on a hospital bed, with a big-ass scar on his chest and back, not to mention who knows how many months of physical therapy ahead of him.

‘‘Eds, I am so happy you’re alive, umm I thought-’’ he whimpers

‘’I thought I had lost you, when we were dragging you out and you wouldnt wake up, I held your almost lifeless body on my arms and it felt fucking horrible’‘ a deep breath escapes his mouth

[beep beep beep]

‘‘it felt like my life was being drawn away from me’‘ he lifts his hands and presses his palms under his glasses against his eyelids

[beep beep beep]

The only sound in the room was Richie’s pained voice and the constant [beep beep beep] of the machine, not that he was expecting Eddie to wake up and reply, but he was so used to Eddie always replying to him, most of the times some annoyed comebacks because of Richie’s jokes about Mrs. K, sometimes just Eddie’s giggles at Richie’s most stupid jokes, and the good ones too.

‘‘Because since the moment I remembered you, I felt like the most alive person on earth’‘

[beep beep beep]

‘‘I didn't know I missed you so much until I saw you’‘

[beep beep beep]

‘‘The void in my heart took your form after my brain reclaimed your name’

[beep beep beep] ‘

‘‘I want you in my life forever’‘ -and the rest of the losers of course-

[beep beep beep]

‘‘i don’t think I can make it another 27 years without your- friendship being a constan in my life’‘

[beep beep beep] 

Richie thinks about confessing his feeling to Eddie, since well... Eddie wasn’t really listening and also, he wasn’t sure if he’d ever had the guts to do it when Eddie was actually listening, and if he ever dared to tell him how he felt, well... Eddie was married anyway and he had a life in NY, Richie would have to conform with Eddie’s friendship.

Eventually Richie fell asleep again, he didn’t dreamed about Eddie’s death this time, he dreamed they were fifteen again and they were on the hammock reading comics and annoying the shit out of each other. Until an ugly whiny voice woke him up.

‘‘[I AM HIS WIFE and I have all the right to see him!]’‘

Richie could see the shadow on the closed curtains of the window that a nurse was standing between the door and a woman, blocking her way in.

‘‘[Mrs. Kaspbrak I understand you are concerned about your husband but I already told you he is stable and these are not visit hours]’‘

-SHITSHITSHITSHIT EDDIE’S WIFE IS HERE-

Richie stood up from the chair and started pacing the room, he had stayed past visit hours and he wasn't supposed to, but since the nurse that came last night into the room to check Eddie’s vitals didn’t say a word he supposed it wouldn’t be a problem if he slept there.

Now he had no way of sneaking out of the room and they were going to find him in there and honestly, he didn’t care if the doctors disapproved his actions, he didn't want to see Eddie’s wife, but he didn’t want to leave Eddie’s side just so Mrs. Kaspbrak would take his place

-It is NOT your place! stop it!!!-

‘‘FFFFUCK’‘ he muttered

‘‘[... else do you need me to sign?, I am going to demand this hospital if you refuse to let me see my husband]’‘

‘’fuck Eds she really is Sonia 2.0, Jesus man what did you got yourself into?’‘ Richie whispered towards Eddie

‘‘[... and sorry I don’t mean to be rude, I am just very *hiccups* very worried abut my husband and i just need to see him, I haven't seen him since he left three days ago, pleease even if it’s just 5 minutes I need to see him!, you can’t imagine the pain I was in when i found out he!- *wimpers*]’‘

Richie reaches out for Eddie’s hand and sqeezes it, Eddie looks so peaceful now and he really can't hold himself out, he leans down and pressed a kiss to Eddie's forehead.

He was just leaning back up when the door opened

‘‘You can stay but when the Doctor comes in for the routinely check-ups you'll have to leave, that gives you about 20 minutes-’‘ the nurse stopps when she sees Richie standing beside Eddie’s bed.

‘‘Oh!, I didn't thought-’‘ anyone would be here

‘‘No i was just le-’‘ Richie doesn’t finish because Myra interrupts him, walking towards Eddie’s bed while observing Richie’s being very meticulously

‘’WHO ARE YOU?’’ Myra demands looking at Richie now with a flash of disgust on her face

Richie doen’t like how demanding she sounds, and he certainly doesnt like how she’s looking at him, he feels vulnerable and he feels exposed like he just got caught doing something that he isn't supposed to, allowed to. He hates it.

‘’No one, I am leaving’‘ He answers almost very apathetic and walks down past them towards the door. Hands on his pockets and head slightly facing down

‘‘are you one of Eddie’s friends?. He said he came to visit some friends, were you with him when this happened to him?’‘

He stops in the door frame but doesn't turn to face her

‘‘Yeah’‘... -yes I was there and I didn’t do enough to keep him from being hurt, yes it’s my fault he’s there ... -

Richie leaves the room.

[ktrxs]

7.1.19

It’s Monday. It’s the 1st of July AND it’s the start of the last 6 months of 2019.

I’m ready to rock it!!

Starting with.... I WORKED FOR 5.5 HOURS YESTERDAY! The last two hours were dragging, but I made it through. I submitted 2 writing assignments and did coursework.

I finally broke the 4 hour mark and it felt so good. I think Saturday helped!

My goal today is to reach 6 hours. And I’m going to start work at 6am today. I have to write, do freelance, do coursework, finish decodeing cs track and i think that’s it...

So, I’m rocking it in the work department! What else... what else OH UM HI HELLO! I woke up at 3:45AM today!

I want to wake up at 4am everyday. I didn’t trust myself to snooze for 15 minutes so I’ll take the 3:45am for now.

I spent this morning cooking for awhile. I just don’t have time to cook all the things and clean all the dishes. So, Brandon has been on his own and I’ve been literally eating fruit and nuts.

I’m too busy to cook! But, I’ve been going to bed hungry because I just can’t be bothered with cooking and I don’t feel like anymore fruit.

So this morning I cooked Brandon some lunch food that will last about two days. And I’m cooking a shit ton of soup in the fake instapot and a rice cooker full of rice.

After work, I would like to cook more things. Basically, I’m going to cook everything I can in my house. Any meal I can make is getting cooked today until I go to bed lol.

That way we can have actual meals to eat from the fridge or freezer when I’m in this work phase.

We also have to clean. Cleaning is something Brandon and I have to make a habit of. It needs to happen every day.

Ugh

I kinda signed up for a 30k word challenge in July. These words right now don’t count. It only counts if its being used towards the site.

Which is good for the gaat, but I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep up with it since I’m also doing freelance writing.

My writing assignments yesterday were 650 and 800 words. I did the 650 one first and the 800 one draaaggggeeedd.

But, they were on boring topics. So I’m hoping MY topic will be more fun. Yesterday I wrote more than 1450 words. So I guess that should be my limit.

I have to write under 1,000 everyday to meet the goal this month, so it might be doable!

I have a 1500 assignment due early 4th of july. That one is going to be a doozy, so I’m doing half tomorrow and half on Wednesday.

I’m sorry this post has been all jumbled.

Okay just for my brain, this is what i need to do today:

Write for gaat

Freelance 

2 classes for DECODEING

DTC coursework

Refresh craiglist on house listing

take pics of treadmill and bike trainer and list them

cook all the things

do all the dishes

facking relax with the babies

OH! that’s another thing. Last night was soooo cute. Cookies jumped up on the bed and I shit you not, he let me CUDDLE him for like a half an hour. Full on cuddles too. Arms wrapped around and pulled into a hug.

Then he got up and OMFG Teah jumped up to lay with me. Teah doesn’t like full blown cuddles, but last night he let me lay my arm across him and pet him ALOT.

Then Cookies wanted more so he saw the tiniest space between my neck and Teah and fucking jumped up and sqeezed in for more cuddles.

I died of cuteness and kitty cuddles last night!!!

Then Frappe took her throne on my hip, baby breadstick and ice were by my feet. I love being a cat mom <3