#i want to go back to the year 1876 so i can die of tuberculosis at age 25

[stayatsam]

kind of a vent below i just need to write some thots out on the internet and likes give a brief sense of satisfaction that someone is listening but not trying to give advice lol

warning for like ed/poor eating habits and stress and death/disease and uh college i guess

HMMMMMMM im uh..... not .. doing so hot right now

classes are fine but i feel like im wasting my time at college for a job i probably won’t even get and the only thing im passionate about is art and that’s not a sustainable job for me since im not a popular artist and i also suck at art i hate the internet a LOT but i love sharing my art online and seeing what people think of it  i wish i could just live on a ranch or something and not have to worry about like.. The Market (tm) and having to take public transport and go to crouded grocery stores and trudge through brutalist architecture every day to take classes i dont even like

but on that like.. im being sucked dry by everything

i have been BARELY eating to the point my stomach feels like its shrinken so i cant eat like full meals anymore 

like today i had a bowl of rice and four sushi rolls and i felt sickly full and its bad ive been feeling physically less energetic or like.. happy because im not eating and im TRYING to but it just doesnt happen and i dont think im like anorexic in the way that in high school i forcibly kept myself from eating anything like i WANT to eat i just.. stomach hurts and its hard to get like fresh foods around where i am since im not exactly in the position where me and my roommate have our own kitchen

and like jesus christ my dad has a disease thats making cysts grow on both his kidneys that will Inevitably cause kidney failure and death. as bad as that sounds he could still have another 25 years on him but i hate thinking that his health is just gonna decline especially since hes been working so hard his like whole life to be healthy and work out blah blah blah and like.. the only way hed be able to get out of this is if he somehow gets a double kidney transplant...and my mom told me not to worry about it but like.. thats my dad... and he’s a pretty good dad despite his faults

and i hate knowing that theres a VERY likely chance i have the same disease and will end up the same way etc etc and i JUST feel so powerless