#i want to be loved so much that it would justify the elimination of 8000 people's existence lmao (not really but really)

[redravenblogs]

I can't stop thinking about what an incredible episode "Children of Time" was in how it explored a number of the characters, and I might expound on them later, but I'm particularly transfixed with Odo's arc. For the entirety of the series up to this point, his two defining personality traits are his sense of justice and his profound loneliness, and the writers used both of those to deliver a precision gut punch to the audience.

That profound loneliness is magnified in this 200-years-older version of Odo. He has been waiting and hoping for so long for this brief chance to see Kira again. He probably couldn't even hold his form when she died in his timeline, so he never had the opportunity to tell her how much she mattered to him, or even to say goodbye. He's been living with that for two centuries.

In light of that, what does the staunchness of his past self matter? What did it ever get him? That's why he's so quick to tell her how much he loved her. Loves her.

They get to spend a precious day and a half together before she decides she must sacrifice herself, and he begins desperately and hopelessly trying to convince her not to. Then he asks her: would things have been different between us if you'd known I loved you all along?

When she says "maybe," you can see his heart fucking break all over again. Because he suddenly knows what was possible, even by the slimmest chance, but he's losing her all over again- she has to be thrown 200 years in the past to die so he and his society can continue existing.

And then she kisses him!

SHE is the one who leans in for it!!

And that's the turning point. Because he knows that if she and the rest of the crew make it back to DS9, his past self has a fighting chance to escape the loneliness that has always defined him. His other self has the possibility of something better, even if he is bound to lose her either way. That's why this other Odo is willing to eliminate himself and everyone else on the planet from existence in order for Kira to live. So when everyone else is planning on a noble self-sacrifice, he chooses to be selfish for once.

(Arguably, making it so that 8000 people never existed isn't the same as killing them - one of the big moral quandries of the episode, but I wonder if Odo wouldn't have burned that whole planet to ashes if that's what it took to save her.)

When our Odo is linked with by the alternate timeline Odo, he suddenly knows everything. He knows every single person that lived on that planet. He knows the pain of living for 200 years filled with a regret and loneliness unlike he'd ever experienced before. He knows the fate he narrowly escaped (and was utterly helpless to have any control over). And he suddenly knows what it's like to kiss the woman he's been in love with for ages! And he understands. Because now he also knows hope. A hope so wonderful and so terrible that the other Odo would go to such great lengths for it.

That's why even in the face of Kira's outrage at the great injustice of it all, he can't give her a straight answer when she asks if he thinks what the other Odo did was right. Two hundred years of XP has just downloaded into his brain and is exerting its gravitational pull on his sense of just and unjust... Not to mention he's had his deepest secret revealed to the person who he least wanted to know.

Until now, he's never even opened his mouth about his own feelings because his sense of lawfulness extended to not even creating ripples on the surface of the social status quo. But he's suddenly been blursed with the understanding of how the other Odo has benefitted him. (Wingman of all time?)

The tension between what he's always thought is right and what his gut is telling him he wants now is so delicious to me. His sense of justice is suddenly much more flexible than he ever thought because of the possibility of not being lonely anymore. Finally belonging. It's maybe the most humanizing experience the audience has seen him go through - even more so than being stuck as a solid for a while, I think.

[you-are-worth-the-wait]

My mom said I was “nice”. I asked her why? For my mom and dad, maybe speaking mainly from my mom, it was her way of trying to justify that I still love at home with them and didn’t leave like my brother did. I don’t know how I feel about that. The way the conversation actually plays out was. Mom: how’s work? Lee: it’s okay. M: they treating you well there? L: yeah. They are okay. M: that’s good. They should all like you because you are nice. L: what do you mean? M: you are nice because you are quiet. L: maybe I’m quiet because I don’t know anything. M: no, that’s not true. L: maybe you’ll say, “oh he’s nice because he’s quiet”. But then they say, “no...he’s quiet because he’s stupid. He doesn’t know anything. That’s why he doesn’t say anything. M: no. You are nice because you didn’t leave. Your brother left but I’ll you stayed here. L: I stayed here because I don’t have any money. If I had money, I would have left. M: we are glad you are still here.

I don’t know how I feel about that. Yes, it’s convenient for me to stay here but is it what I want? No. Would I have left if I had the chance? Yes. Could I leave now? It’s possible. I don’t know why I feel like I don’t want to have debt though. I get that debt is a way of life and just because you have it, doesn’t necessarily mean you are not well off. All the cars I ever had, I paid in full. Yes, they were used and I don’t think any of my cars were more than $8000 at once. I paid for all of them in cash up front so I’ve never had a car payment. I never had any loans from school. I paid for my tuition and books up front. It wasn’t easy for me because I wasn’t smart and I didn’t get any scholarships. Yes, my parents did help with tuition when I went to UNLV so I know that wasn’t easy on them either. When it comes to buying a house, for some reason, I keep thinking that I need to pay at least half or 3/4 of it now so the interest in the long run won’t kill me. Maybe that’s where my rationale is flawed. People just do enough for the down payment and a little more just to get the remaking balance lower. If that was the case, I could move out and get a house right now but I’d hate to see myself being burdened with a monthly payment where it will take me 20-25+ years to finally “own” the place. I feel like I would want to get a place and be able to have it all paid off ASAP and that’s why I feel I never have enough money to leave this place. I think compared to others, they would have what I have and said, “this is way more than I need to make it on my own” and would have left. Me, I keep thinking, “I don’t have enough. I don’t have enough. I need a little more.” And then there’s you...and that house. I know you bought that house for yourself but a part of me wonders how much of a factor was I in you making that purchase. How much of a factor was he in making that purchase. What future did you honestly see in that house when you were looking for it and when you finally decided on it. I don’t think we ever had a reall hear to heart conversation along those lines. I supported you throughout the process. I helped you figure out how to get certain deals and assisted in the art of negotiation. Of course you did the work but I kinda had to show you that you kind of needed to be a little more savvy and know that if there’s a possibility to get a better deal/rate, you should go for it, and you shouldn’t be afriad to make the companies do what they can for your business. Yes, you needed them in order to make the deal happen but they also wanted you just as badly. Look what happened when we emailed them and kind of pitted them against each other, showing them what one company was willing to offer and asking if they could match or beat it. You were able to get them to compete and vie for your business by lowering your rates to the point you were able to choose something that was so much better had you not taken the chance to just ask. Like I said, the worst they could have said was no and you’d be right at the rate they offered you in the first place. But what if they lowered it by a quarter. What if they took $50 off a month. That’s a quarter of a percentage or extra $50 per whatevers that you didn’t have before. I know you don’t like doing that but you have to admit that in the end, your rate was lowered and you were able to pick a payment deal that was so much better than the original starting offer. I’m sorry if I pushed you out of your comfort zone but I just felt that it was something that would only help you in the long run.

My mind wanders so badly. But yeah. I think people would have been gone by now with my resources. Me, I feel like it’s not enough. I know, it’s weird. For someone who kind of is flippant when it comes to money, it seems like I want/need a lot of it. What I do with it though, I have no idea. That’s prolly why it’s so “easy” for me to give money to people who need it. More than me. My family when it came to my grandpa. Friends who needed it for one reason or another because they couldn’t make payments on time or needed it. Like workmate. Or random situations like your car. I mean, it’s one less thing you had to worry about and you eliminated paying extra for the interest. So yeah, why not? You are debt free or lower your debts and are able to focus on other things. So yeah, I guess that’s where my mind is when it comes to moving out. That and it ties in to just how serious was it that that place could have been “ours”? I was the first person you let in to that place. I was the first one who saw the sparkle on your eyes when you showed me every feature that you loved about it. When I finally took you into my arms and kissed you. To think how many firsts we had that first day and all the other firsts that meant something to you that you wanted to share with me. I honestly thought for a moment that that was going to be our life.

Why are you still there? How often have you thought of walking away? Those are questions I think about along with a couple dozen hundred or so that float through my mind since I am constantly trying to figure things out. You don’t have to answer those questions. Like I said, there’s a lot more some tougher, some not as soul searching. I wonder if you have questions for me. You prolly don’t have the time like I do to think about me or wonder about me like I do you. It’s okay. Some times you make me feel when I know exactly why I’m still doing what I’m doing. Other times...I ask myself the really hard questions and try to figure out why I’m still doing what I’m doing. I feel like my life is currently scattered compartmentalized organized chaos. And truth...I’m just waiting for a compass to help point and guide me in a direction.

We should go and see a psychic together...*ws* the reason why most people go to one is because they are searching for something. Before, I honestly wanted to go to one for the novelty of it just to see if the hype is really what it’s meant to be. I think now it would be prolly be the right time to do something like that. I’m lost. I’m susceptive. They may be able to read me concerns and see a weakness that I wouldn’t normally have if I ever went to one. Hmm...that would be a trip. Too bad of COVID. Are there online things?

After all this time, him questioning himself, you questioning yourself. Is it normal/weird that I’m questioning myself still about if I’m good enough for you?

Do you feel that this year is never going to end or does it feel like it can’t end soon enough?