#i want to be here but currently trapped in a very unsafe and abusive living situation

[rpmemes-galore]

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[cameoamalthea]

The Traveler: Abusive, Gaslighting and Toxic or Flawed Character Critical Role E2103 SPOILERS

I will preface this by saying, as a survivor of abuse living with C-PTSD, I understand triggers and respect the feelings of anyone who was uncomfortable or upset by the way Artagan spoke to Jester. 

Many in the chat commented things along the line of ‘he sounds like an abusive boyfriend” “toxic” “gas lighter”. 

And to be honest, it’s fantastic that fans are able to recognize warning signs of abusive behavior. Fiction, even deeply flawed problematic fiction that actively romanticizes abuse (cough, Twilight, cough), is a great starting point to discus if a relationship presented is healthy and learn the skills to recognize red flags. 

“Is that relationship healthy/abusive?” is a great question to ask about fictional relationships because analyzing the behaviors will give you tools to notice if your friends or partners are behaving in toxic ways and to evaluate if someone should be in your life.

That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy fictional relationships in media that aren’t healthy. You can. Fiction is also a place to just enjoy fantasies, including danger. Whether that danger is something, like a dragon or a relationship with a power imbalance, like a dragon but a really sexy dragon that is dating the protagonist. 

It’s just important to recognize what wouldn’t be ok in real life, especially if it’s something certain romance books have presented as super deep love and stuff (cough, Fifty Shades of Gray, cough) when in real life, that’s abuse. 

So let’s talk about Artagan’s behavior in Critical Role E2C103:

Let’s start by defining some terms:

Abuse: treat (a person or an animal) with cruelty or violence, especially regularly or repeatedly. (source)

Gaslighting: manipulate (someone) by psychological means into questioning their own sanity (source)

Toxic: any relationship [between people who] don’t support each other, where there’s conflict and one seeks to undermine the other, where there’s competition, where there’s disrespect and a lack of cohesiveness. (source)

Unhealthy: relationships where people may feel anxious, confused, uncertain and even unsafe (source - also great resource you guys!)

The relationship between Jester and Artagan, as it currently stands, is certainly unhealthy. He is not open and honest with her, leaving her to feel anxious, confused and uncertain. He knowingly put her in an unsafe situation without her consent (you cannot consent unless you are informed of everything you’re agreeing to ahead of time). Putting someone in a situation where they don’t feel comfortable is toxic and abusive. 

Every person has a right to control their own body and comfort. It’s not ok for anyone to make you do something against your will, including by omitting information.

Ex) You agreed to go somewhere with someone but they decide that the trip is going to be longer, leaving you feeling trapped because you want to leave and did not agree to this. Even if this longer trip poses no risk to you, you did not agree to it. 

Artagan should have told Jester about the dangers posed by the island before hand. 

Game wise, he couldn’t do that because Matt Mercer’s plan was to trap the characters in a dangerous situation they could not escape or work around and had to face head on.  As a DM he is playing a game where everyone playing consented to allow him to put their characters in danger because pretend danger can be fun (thrill rides, haunted houses, etc). The players have been very good at cleverly thinking their way around problems, which is fair and also good playing. Outsmart the Hag, outrun the Dragon Turtle, but Matt wanted to build his players a trap they could not escape, that would be challenging and scary. Because the object of the game for Matt Mercer is to give his players an exciting story and make their characters heroes.

Narratively, he didn’t because Artagan is a fey and does not have the same levels of capacity for empathy. It likely never occurred to him that Jester would be hurt because if she forgot herself on the island and joined the cult he would simply taker and those she cared about back to safety. In his mind, he has nothing to worry about in terms of her safety so she has nothing to worry about.

‘I’m not worried, so you shouldn’t be worried either.’ Is a toxic mindset because it invalidates another person’s feelings. You cannot control how anyone else feels and you should not force anyone into anything they don’t agree to even if it wouldn’t bother you. You have to ask them. 

Which brings us to gaslighting. A form of abuse where the abuser goes beyond not acknowledging the other person’s feelings or taking their feelings into consideration, to actively trying to manipulate them into questioning their own reality. 

Beyond ‘I did something without taking your feelings into consideration and now you’re hurt but it’s not my fault because I didn’t mean to hurt you’ to “What do you mean I did something, that never happened” or “What do you mean I didn’t take your feelings into consideration, we talked about this and you said you were fine, it’s not my fault you don’t remember that.” 

Examples of Gaslighting language:

1. “If you were paying attention…”

2. “If you were listening…”

3. “If you knew how to listen…”

4. “We talked about this. Don’t you remember?”

5. “I guess I’ll have to repeat myself since you can’t remember.”

6. “You need to learn to communicate better.”

7. “You’re being irrational.”

8. “Don’t you think you’re over-reacting?”

9. “You’re just over-sensitive.”

10. “Stop being so sensitive.”

11. “You’re too emotional.”

12. “You can’t take a joke.”

13. “You’re so thin-skinned.”

14. “You always jump to the wrong conclusion.”

15. “Stop taking everything I say so seriously.”

16. “Can you hear yourself?”

17. “I criticize you because I like you.”

18. “You’re the only person I have these problems with.”

19. “You’re reading too much into this.”

20. “I’m not arguing; I’m discussing.”

21. “I know what you’re thinking.”

22. “You should have known that this was not a good time to talk.”

23. “Why are you upset? I was only kidding.”

24. “Why would you think that? What does that say about you?”

(source) 

Gaslighting goes beyond failing to validate someone’s feelings “I’m sorry you feel that way” to actively invalidating their feelings “Why do you feel that way, you have no reason to”  However, the phrase “I’m sorry you feel that way” also known as a “non-apology apology” can itself be be gaslighting in certain contexts as it “may imply the person took offense for hypersensitive or irrational reasons.” However, a non-apology in personal relationships is not always gaslighting.

“Statements that use the word "sorry" but do not express responsibility for wrongdoing may be meaningful expressions of regret.

But

such statements can also be used to elicit forgiveness without acknowledging fault.” Not taking responsibility for how your actions impact others is manipulative, wanting forgiveness without accepting fault and realizing what you did wrong so that you won’t do it again.

Artagan is ABSOLUTELY an irresponsible person. He hates responsibility and is actively working to get out of his responsibilities (which is ironic, working to avoid work). He has never had to take responsibility for anything, even feeling regret may well be against his nature as a fey. He does not know how to apologize and he does need to learn. 

Because it doesn’t matter that he did not mean to scare Jester, he did scare her. He scared her so much that he brought her to tears. If he does not recognize fault he cannot change the behavior that led to hurting her int he first place i.e. saying I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I should have told you implies in the future he will tell her. 

Healthy relationships take work and a willingness to work on changing your own behavior. 

Refusing to take responsibility can absolutely be a sign of gaslighting. (source) Especially, if responsibility is shifted onto the victim. 

That said, failure to apologize the right way can also be a sign that someone does not know how to apologize or take responsibility. That is something that has to be learned. 

Saying “I’m sorry you’re hurt” can be rooted in empathy, you regret that the person is hurt and can even be appropriate if it is not your responsibility.

Now here’s where things get complicated. Other people’s feelings are not always your responsibility. 

This is important because as stated above, abusers may shift responsibility onto the victim. i.e. ‘Now you’re crying, can’t you see how much that’s upsetting me? Why are you trying to make me feel bad? Why do you want to hurt me?”

Making a victim feel guilty can be a tool abusers use to control their victim and keep them in the relationship or keep them silent about the abuse. Victims can be trained to see it as their job to make sure others are always happy and take responsibility for other people’s emotion. ‘I’m sorry I upset you,’ says the victim. 

A healthy relationship is not simply taking responsibility is someone else is hurt. It’s knowing when to take responsibility and when to set a boundary because the other person’s feelings aren’t reasonable.

For example, “I can’t believe went out with your other friends tonight. I thought I was important to you. Why do you need any other friends, I should be enough. I’m really hurt.”

The correct response is absolutely “I’m sorry you feel that way, but I am allowed to have other relationships.” 

You should absolutely NOT validate the idea that you don’t need anyone else and should have put them first. 

If someone is asking you to do something that is harmful to you because it hurts them if you don’t agree, that’s not your problem. 

Everyone has to learn to take responsibility for their own emotions, because there are times where a person’s feelings are something they need to work on. 

The “non-apology apology” runs the gambit from gaslighting (suggesting the feelings are irrational), to avoiding responsibility and making yourself the victim, to failing to take responsibility and understand what you did wrong, to appropriate depending on the circumstances. 

It’s not black and white, and we must be careful to avoid black and white thinking as that itself can lead to unhealthy or even toxic behaviors. (source). And because behaviors like “suddenly moving people from the “good person” category to the “bad person” category” are unhealthy, I think it’s useful to examine our response when fictional characters have flaws. It can provide a space to examine our feelings and behaviors.

Setting boundaries and leaving unhealthy relationships is an important skill, of course, but so avoiding dichotomous thinking. 

“Dichotomous thinking often shifts between idealizing and devaluing others. Being in a relationship with someone who thinks in extremes can be really difficult because of the repeated cycles of emotional upheaval.” (Id.) 

Many read Artagan’s response to Jester as gaslighting. However, it falls more towards the avoiding responsibility part of the spectrum. 

That’s not healthy. Artagan should have taken responsibility. 

“Please don’t ever think I’m not looking out for your best interests” 

“Oh dear thing, I don’t mean to put you through this.”

“I’m sorry if you felt abandoned”

Is not taking responsibility. He did put her through this and hurt her, he did leave her in a situation where she feared he would abandon her and doubted if he was looking out for her best interests because he did not communicate. 

That said, the conversation does not cross into gas-lighting because he does not invalidate the way Jester feels. 

He takes action to address her concerns: Making a Binding Promise, a fey promise is like a devil’s contract. It’s deep unbreakable magic and not something a fey would give for nothing, but he does, freely, because he recognizes that she needs assurance that he will look out for her. 

He takes responsibility.

“You’re right, I should have been a little more forthright with you with information.”

Yeah, he should have, and Jester calls him on it. She’s there for extra days, meaning more danger, because he did not warn her. When she realizes she’s yelling at him, she apologizes and he says:

“It’s alright.”

He does not invalidate that she’s upset and it’s fair thats she’s yelling at him. Instead he focuses on addressing what’s upsetting her i.e. fear of losing her memory and being left on an island enslaved to a monster

“I would have come back.” 

And she’s ok, and she knows it’s the truth because he has promised her to come back and in this fantasy fey rules context, that means he cannot break his word.  In real life, promising is not enough because actions show change and that takes time. And it is important to remember that abusers aren’t 100% awful all the time. Abuse is often followed by a honeymoon period. However, in the context of analyzing this scene Artagan making a promise is itself an action taken.  He has a long way to be a good friend and what he did was wrong and his initial responses do not take responsibility. He should have said, from the start. 

“I did not plan to leave you here. I will always look out for your best interests. I’m sorry I was not more forthright with you with information and put you in a frightening situation. I’m sorry for scaring you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry I have not been there for you in the way you need.”

And while he did take responsibility and acknowledge what he did wrong, he didn’t accompany that with an I’m sorry. 

To me, that comes down more on the side of flawed character rather than irredeemable abusive/toxic/gas-lighter. 

Admitting you were wrong and the other person is right is the opposite of gas lighting and Artagan did that. 

[mother-suho]

九头狼－9 Wolves (1)

Paring: Yixing x Reader (soon I promise hehe)

Word Count: 1.2k~

Genre: angst, wolf au

Summary: As the Princess to your kind, it was a goal for all packs to claim you as theirs. Hiding was easy at first, but once the notorious clan EXO finds you, there was no way out.

Prologue 

-

Deciding to walk through the streets this late at night wasn’t the brightest idea, but you felt suffocated in your apartment. Your pajamas did nothing to keep you warm, yet the cool air didn’t bother you. No one could assure you that you’ll be safe, that you could find a way out of this situation. You chose to accept the consequence, to fall into the hands of the unknown. You continued to walk, and walk, and walk. You didn’t want to return home and prepare yourself to meet EXO. How did they find you so easily? How long have they known where you’ve been? They know more than you think they do, they want you to question yourself, they want you to feel paranoid, fear makes a person weak. You must not fall into your thoughts, you must be indifferent to this situation, at least then they won’t have the upper hand.

Knowing that you were no longer safe home, or anywhere, what was the point in trying to hide. You were vulnerable to any wolf or pack now. 

A wolf was nearby, their scent was in the air. You couldn’t waste your energy on fear, you were aggravated. “Come out!” You yell through the empty streets. “I don’t have time for any games!”

A man emerged from the darkness, you can’t make out much other than his tall stature, and his glowing white orbs. He approached you slowly, tense from your radiating anger. He looked very familiar, you’ve smelled his scent somewhere, but weren’t too concerned about who he was. All you could think about was your impending doom.

“Y/N don’t meet up with EXO, I can protect you.” The man spoke urgently.

“Yifan...” You never thought you’d ever see him again. He was always by your side growing up until he joined the notorious wolf pack that is currently after you. “How do you know?” You asked suspiciously.  

“I’m looking out for you Princess. Word gets around quickly when someone tries to go after you. If you go to EXO, they’ll keep you trapped, they’ll abuse you. I left them for a reason, and thankfully they let me leave with no repercussions. You think you have no other option right now, but I can help you.” Yifan says sternly, unconvinced you walked past him, but he caught up with your steps. 

“How?” You asked straightforwardly. “They’ve got me tracked, and they warned me that if I was to hide, I would easily be found.”

“Well Y/N, there are two options, and I doubt you’ll agree with the second...” He looks at you before he continues, “You can stay with me, my scent can cover yours, and we can pretend that we’re mates. They want to mark you, but if you are by my side, I can make sure they won’t step a foot near you. If you ever feel uncomfortable, or unsafe in my presence, or my apartment feel free to leave. You are the Princess, I’ll make it my duty to protect you.”

“And the second option?”

“...I’d mark you.”

“You’re joking, right?” A laugh escaped your mouth, there is no way you’d let him do that. “Yifan please tell me this is a joke.”

“They wouldn’t be able to lay a hand on you if you have my mark.” He said seriously. “Now, you shouldn’t be out this late at night, considering it’s a full moon.” He pointed up to the night sky, “Not sure if you remember, but when the moon looks like that Y/N, it’s best if you stay in your home.” He spoke to you sarcastically. 

You hit his shoulder, “Don’t think that were buddy-buddy just because we were friends long ago, you joined a vicious pack, my trust for you is very little.”

Looking around the poorly lit streets, this truly was a dangerous place for you to be roaming. If it wasn’t for Yifan, it’d only be a matter of time before a pack would corner you. Although you know you have the powers to take any assailant down, you didn’t have the proper mindset right now. The fact that you were outside in the early hours of the day, while the full moon was still up was a bad decision, but this is probably what EXO wants. You feel grateful for running into Yifan now, if he didn’t show up you’d have no idea what to do. 

“My place is nearby if you want to crash there until the morning. Your apartment is too far away to go back to now.” Yifan said breaking the silence.

“And how do you know where I live?” You questioned him.

“That my dear is not a question I should be answering out here. You can crash at my place till the morning or you can walk back home up to you Princess.” Yifan turned around and began walking away, you decided it’d be best if you stayed with him until the morning.

Walking to his apartment, you didn’t expect to see such opulent buildings, embroidered with gold, it was quite overwhelming for you. Being royalty didn’t mean you craved such a lavish lifestyle, your community needed a leader, not some wealthy brat who spent her days in a penthouse. Exposed to the lifestyle that you could’ve chosen made you glad that you lived in a simple and hidden area of the city. 

It wasn’t until a few years ago that your family put you into hiding in the city you are in now, they got many threats from different packs that you’d be kidnapped and drained of your powers. How have you been so nonchalant for so long? Instinctively you wrapped your arm in Yifan’s, as you would when you were young, he always gave you this sense of protection. Would it truly be wrong to be marked by him?

“Are you alright Y/N?” Yifan asked concerned, “I can feel your heart beating really fast, everything will be okay if I’m by your side.”

“I could be better actually. I’ve been restricted the majority of my life so far in some small apartment, that I thought would remain unknown to others, but I guess not. I’m now being stalked down by some pack that you were apart of, yet somehow I’m putting my trust in you?” Sighing, you closed your eyes, “I just don’t know what to do.”

“We can figure out a plan later,” Yifan said while opening the door of his complex. “For now just sleep on it, my apartment is secure and I will stay awake to make sure you're safe.”

There was nothing else you could do except put your trust in Yifan. You’ve never felt threatened by him, but knowing he was once apart of EXO didn’t settle with you quite well. A quick ride in the elevator, and soon enough you find yourself entering his apartment. It suited him, everything was top quality and expensive. He always enjoyed living luxuriously.

Yifan pointed at two different doors, “That’s the bathroom, and that’s the guest room. Make yourself at home. I have to do something quickly, but I’ll check on you soon. If your hungry or thirsty don’t mind checking the refrigerator.” He went into a room which you assumed was his.

You walked into the guest room and plopped down on the bed. Is this place really safe? I can trust him, right?

-

hey i finally updated a series and it took around 2 years. well to update you guys i wrote the prologue when I was starting my third year of high school and in just a couple days i will be starting my first year of college. so sowwy for the slow updates, but i promise you i will make the second part before i leave for college but i dont know when i will write part 3, part 2 is currently in the works. i hope everyone is doing well, i hope you guys are happy and healthy. its currently 1 am and after i upload this i will be working on finishing the second part. okay byeeee

[futuristicdenial]

For typing

I’m mainly stuck between ENTP and INFJ, though I’ve not shut the door on other types; why will soon become clear. For general context, I’m 24 years of age, female, currently in between research jobs (mathematics), living alone. I have been diagnosed with depression (high-functioning).

Ne-Si:

When I am functioning properly, the world seems filled with potential, and I experience that potential as inherent to it - there is a touch of mind projection there, but also just the sense that openness is integral to reality. Whether or not it is true at the base level, I feel fulfilled when dealing with an open-ended mental world (taking the world as branching, as a series of if this then that sequences where each “if” is indeed possible rather than simply a heuristic). Being able to adapt to a changing reality (and having a changing reality) is very important to me, and I derive a lot of my identity from adaptive and generative capacity. My sense of optimism is far more linked to flexibility than anything else - and I’m terrified of becoming comfortable with a single view of the world. My concept of relationships rests very much on joint creation, on the feeling of mutual contribution to an expanding vision - and just the sharing of ideas in general, the joy of pure thought, and at times, of troubleshooting. Much of the feedback I receive is feedback on being unpredictable, ever-changing, disconnected from material reality, generative but ineffectual. For context/situating me in my life, I decided to study mathematics with a focus on logic and category theory; as such, I set out to get a bachelor’s degree. I found it stifling, slow, computational, and was made far too miserable by its structure - so I dropped out, studied the relevant material on my own, and found a way to get around the red tape a year later, going straight for a master’s. Socially I tend to find alternate paths for people, I my way of contributing to their well-being is frequently linked to allowing them a wider view of what may yet be, and helping them detect the assumptions that limited their sight. I can be at a loss when there’s no sense of motion in someone’s life, I’m not sure what they need when there’s no trap, no problem, and no developmental challenges.

I’m terrified of repetition, of a crystalized self-image, of material comfort as a main motivation. When I’m truly not myself, I become a hypochondriac, I feel constantly physically threatened, I dwell on past ideas or events, I create a doomsday view of the future, I become embroiled in feelings of inevitability and become unable to think. I mentally hoard, I zoom in one one problem, feeling it is the problem to end all problems (and usually one that is horrible to think about) I feel I can do nothing else until I’ve solved it, and my view feel so narrow and simplistic it causes me great pain. I try to move beyond the past before truly integrating the lessons I derive from it. As part of this pattern, I frequently feel my expertise is feigned, that I’ve not mastered anything, truly, that I have nothing to show for myself an endless cascade of unfinished projects. Having always fled the standard path, I’ve often felt as though I had no credibility.

Ni-Se:

I need to feel a connection to meaning, to symbology, to story, grand narrative at all times - the material is never as real to me as perception itself, and that which shapes perception. (Whether or not this is ultimately physical is beside the point, I’m looking at experience here.) The feeling that the world is structurally ugly, lifeless, without possibility or vision has lead me to feeling suicidal in the past; what helped was starting with the experience of meaning in perception, and then applying a careful conceptual cleanup, rather than attempting purity from the start. I need a charted course - even if this course changes over time - a notion of the significance of my existence, and a notion of the world itself. The possibility I crave is the possibility that allows meaning, so while I absolutely need open-endedness, a progressive unfolding, I also need a coherence of vision. Naive analysis, of the form that starts with an attempt at formalization, and then unvaryingly follows that formalism to the grave is something that absolutely kill meaning for me - perhaps I’m sensitive to this as a mathematician, but it is a natural tendency regardless. We start with the truth of perception - a formalism that cannot be absorbed into experience is a failed one; reason is human reason, dreams of enlightenment that fail to take this into account are doomed, and they’re a far worse version of mind-projection than the one I cited earlier. Presupposing meaning is very dangerous. Visualization is an integral part of my internal life - I formulate my thoughts by shifting back and forth between between verbalized propositions, and film or photo-like impressions; I cannot say one form dominates over the other. I very much start out with a blurry image, feeling it become progressively clearer - I let the fog dissipate as I integrate things into a coherent whole, and then prune. I get feedback on being pretentious, highfalutin, bizarre, uptight, cold, obsessive... Socially I see relationships as ideally being about formulating joint meaning, and a lot of what I contribute to them is a sense of airy purpose, the sense that every piece of strife and trivial pain is contributing to something larger.

When I’m truly not myself I see no way foreword, the future seems lost, people seem stupid, I feel hopeless, and all of the mental suddenly feels cold and unsafe. The sensation is that the fruitless objective is the only truth, or at least the truth that will win out of sheer efficacy, and that I have no tools to fight due to not wanting to fight with tools. I feel unable to think, unable to see, and have at times sought comfort in substance abuse - this was perhaps peak out of character behavior: impulsive, “tomorrow we die” behavior. It is feeling a bleak lack of purpose and lack of potential combined with a lack of personal significance or ability that leave me distraught. I can also feel a great sense of loneliness - not just socially, a sense of immense distance from the world, as though I cannot connect to its structure.

Fe-Ti:

My ability to harmonize is frequently the last to go; I’ve often been told that I have a kind of distanced sympathy, that I understand what someone is experiencing well enough to provide them with true comfort, while not becoming directly involved in what they’re experiencing. Reading a social environment is very easy for me, though not always interesting - and having assumed the role of the mediator and “sage” from a very young age, I’ve come to find it very burdensome. I’m quick to spot what people need, what they crave, but have a very hard time using this knowledge to craft relationships that satisfy me - in the past I frequently ended up a tool, though I have become far more self-sufficient and assertive with time. A lot of what I contribute socially is also the ability to help people see the experience of others, which I often find self-evident. Fe behaviour feels somewhat tool-like to me, however... I find I frequently need the “find emotional comfort in the world” advice, though I often feel it is unsafe/try to find justifications for it that lie outside experience. I could see Ni-Ti looping tendencies: I justify my pessimism with reason that isn’t the best I’m capable of, and my pessimism is hyper-structured; I need to rationalize any comfort before I let myself have it (and usually don’t actually allow myself to have it) and frequently apply naive conceptions of “truth” to it; I retreat from the world to defend my self-imagine as a “brilliant and unique analytical thinker”, lest the external world hit me with a hammer; I disappear from social interactions and dive further and further into a self-defeating pit. I can feel a despair that I believe to be wholly unaided by material or emotional comforts, and refuse all help that isn’t a coherent model of what is.

Ti-Fe:

What it feels to me like a far stronger concern than all others - if human values have trade-offs, I feel reality takes the cake. I cannot cede ground to grace, or beauty, or efficiency or anything else until I have given reality its due. While I may feel more fulfilled by processes I would identify with intuition, what my mind does before anything else is a formal breakdown of cause, level of correlation, level of certainty, a check on personal biases and motivation, a search for alternate explanations, etc. There is a kind of automatic analytical thought that overtakes synthesis very quickly if I’m not paying attention; it’s what my mind does when I’m not looking, even when it is inconvenient and I wish to turn it off. I have always taken great pleasure in epistemology and logic, and my interests have often involved finding the purest, most general form of reason. It feels to me like the laws of the world go without saying, they may not be pleasant, they may not be obvious, but they are, and when we rebel against them we do not realize we are nature rebelling against itself. Even when these laws drown me, I still think in terms of them - I’m more likely to condemn the subject than that which gives rise to it. Though I write about this with some degree of sadness, I used to take great joy in mere reason, but I was presupposing the human mind, I feel, and working in fields which have required me to think about optimization apart from all human enterprises has opened my eyes somewhat - value that presuppose the valuing are a tad dangerous. “System” is my default idea of what something is, analysis is my default approach. (Writing the paragraph on Ni was quite challenging because I had to turn off my nonsense detection for moment in order to document my experience without Ti overlay.) As a functional approach to the world, Ti is my go to, and used to be so to an even greater extent (it took me a long time to try other modes) as the basis for reflection and meaning, it has torn me apart, so I truly don’t know where it is.

My ego defense is very much “you are original, generative, independent, brilliant and apt”. I see myself as a jack of all trades, and I frequently deal in personal potential without actual action. I have often used social manipulation to preserve a certain self-image since I could easily manipulate feedback - and even technically, I’ve often performed intelligence in mathematics to get that feedback because, e.g writing a paper on a subfield of topology I wasn’t remotely interested in because someone was struggling with it, and claiming this was inherent to the subject.

General and examples: Inaction has often been my plight, I find meaning in planning action, in undertaking a subject, in representing personal power, and then never actually move forward. My social relationships have often been unbalanced, with me playing the role of the therapist (and validating my abilities this way) and being very unfulfilled (failing to notice this initially). I get feedback as being overly mental, but not overly cold, people feel understood by me (though they often hear what matters to me and say it sounds “very cold” or boring, and ask me to talk about my life instead, which leaves me profoundly alone). In my teens I learned contemporary dance, and this mode, this synesthesia, really gave me a sense of ease that I otherwise lacked in life.

Early in life (ages 9-14ish) I was very much the therapist to adults around me, mainly being useful by problem solving for them (getting a divorce? Here are housing arrangements and suggestions for how you might piece yourself back together. I’m also here to resignify your life. Here’s a breakdown of how I think this happened.). Simultaneously, around 12 or so, I took a stance against my family's “irrational” beliefs and became a staunch atheist, devoting myself to hard science with little philosophical sophistication. At this time I also acquired a couple of teenage friendships with that followed similar patterns, and I started having problems with substance abuse stemming from feelings of emptiness. From 14-17 I became very interested in epistemology, ethics, aesthetics, literature, filmmaking… many, many things, and I also began to gain a little more intellectual maturity. Around this time I also decided to pursue a career in mathematics (physics was also an option, though many people expected me to pursue philosophy, and a far few would have guessed psychology). From this age onwards, my focus has been on the preservation of human meaning, and the forecasting of the future. I’ve had a variety of jobs, helped a couple of start-ups get started, and generally had an unstable life (though I always needed a coherent framework for it, I always needed a sense of direction, it’s just that it evolved).

Edit: In case it isn’t clear, interest hopping, the need for new ideas and general cognitive stimulation (transformed into fright of the future/a single ugly truth in my worst periods), and a need to imagine and fantasize about the fantastical are all very present - but while I can get quite disconnected from practical matters, stark realism isn’t really a quality I lack (or appear to lack, I’m told).

[astriiformes]

so. hey

most of you know that i’ve been alluding to being in a pretty bad situation at the moment, or at least that i’ve been seriously struggling. i haven’t talked to openly about it, because laying hard things plain is, well.... hard. but i’ve hit a point where asking for help, difficult as that is for me, is probably my best option

i’m currently living in an abusive family situation. i have some other struggles, but that’s the one that’s making things the hardest for me, because i can’t get a great handle on any of my other issues when i feel trapped and unsafe. i hit a breaking point the other night and some of my close friends have helped me climb up out of it by developing a plan that’s hard and scary, but what i need to do to get out and back on my feet right now

the current plan is for me to move near a friend of mine in order to get out of here, and have a support system for a little while as i try to get into a healthy enough state to be able to eventually go back to school and finish my degree. the logistics are tricky, but we’re figuring them out, and the plan does seem genuinely feasible. the hardest part, though, is finances. i lost my job recently, and may have a difficult time finding a new one after i move, which will leave me in a pretty scary financial limbo for a while until things settle down more. it can probably work, but things will definitely be very tight

this is hard for me to ask, and i want to add the stipulation that i don’t want anyone to contribute if money is tight for them too or they have other reasons that make donating to me less reasonable (like still being in high school, or something like that). but i’m posting the link to my ko-fi again, if anyone would like to support me as i make this happen. thank you massively in advance to anyone who does, because your generosity has in the past astonished me 

[gcintheme-blog]

Five Free Ways Westerners Can Help Women in the Middle East Now

1. Go green. It is not a secret that climate change disproportionately affects poor people and that women are disproportionately poor (go figure) so that is one good reason right away, but I have another one. The Wahhabist Gulf States, which include Saudi Arabia, The United Arab Emirates (Abu Dhabi, Dubai, etc), Bahrain, Kuwait, and Qatar, rely on the oil underneath them for their royal families to function and to spread their patriarchal propaganda, including funding ISIS. So if given a choice between something more fuel efficient or with a different power source and a product that depends on a lot of oil, if you can afford it please try to go green! Even recycling uses less plastic and therefore less petroleum and it is free to reuse things!

2. Boycott the 2022 FIFA World Cup in Qatar and its sponsors. This is a venture that Middle Eastern feminists have gotten off the ground but we are having a really difficult time spreading this message. Thousands of migrant workers are dying building that FIFA stadium and the entire system of labor is basically human trafficking:

The name of the current system is kafala, a system forcing all migrants to be sponsored and subsequently tied to an employer. This employer controls housing, wages, travel, and the well being of each employee. The kafala system has been frequently described as modern day slavery due to its exploitative nature. Forced labor, unpaid work, confiscation of documents, and withholding food and water to the migrants are a few of the mechanisms of control the employers enact over the migrants under the kafala system.

Workers mainly from South and Southeast Asia travel to Qatar with the hope of a securing a job in order to send remittances back to their families, but the kafala system traps them under the purview of their employer. The 2022 World Cup announcement has seen a significant rise in migrant workers coming to Qatar, creating a larger humanitarian crisis for the living and working conditions of the laborers. Qatar has not changed its policy of the kafala system since it became host of the 2022 World Cup, even with the additional international scrutiny towards its government. If Qatar does not change its policy before 2022, an estimated 4,000 migrant workers will die, making this event the deadliest in sporting history.

Most of the workers dying building that stadium, but almost all domestic workers in the Gulf States who work under the kafala system are women, and they are treated horribly. Boycotting the 2022 World Cup sends a message that the kafala system is abusive and unacceptable, and it helps women AND men. If you can afford to buy other products instead of these, please help. A list of the current 2022 World Cup sponsors:

Adidas

Anheuser-Busch which includes Budweiser, Corona, and Stella Artois

Coca-Cola which includes Sprite, Fanta, Dasani, Minute Maid, Powerade, Simply Orange, Glaceau Vitamin Water and Smart Water, and Fuze

Gazprom

Hyundai

Kia

McDonald’s

Sony

Visa

If you can, please encourage your national teams not to play. I know most people do not have any sort of power over this, but if even a few teams boycotted to send a message then it could make a big difference!

3. Be aware of issues that specifically affect Middle Eastern women and be ready to talk to other about them. Some of these issues are very sensitive for some people and nobody is obligated to psychologically torture herself. If you feel safe and comfortable you can consider studying one of these topics and talking to other people who might not be aware. Please keep in mind these are issues in the Middle East or parts of the Middle East but many are also problems in other places and in diaspora communities:

Honor killings (I also wrote on honor killings in Iraq here.)

Female genital mutilation

Modern-day slavery and human trafficking, especially with domestic workers

Laws that protect rapists and force victims to marry their rapists

Child marriage, especially the new trend of taking advantage of Syrian refugees

Extremely unsafe conditions in refugee camps including sexual violence

Bans on women basically being independent in any way in Saudi Arabia

Women jailed for reporting rape in Qatar or in Dubai (and these women are European so imagine how many of these cases are not reported in international news)

Assassinating women who speak out in Bahrain

Forced marriage and the mahr (dowry) system

High rates of domestic and intimate partner violence and no punishments for abusers

4. Let Middle Eastern feminists speak. I will give a short recommendation list here but please explore for yourself and form opinions! Many Middle Eastern women write about our lives but for some reason people do not want to listen to us speak and would rather listen to what other people have to say about us. Of course other people are not always inherently wrong but many times, they ignore us and share their own ideas that aren’t very accurate. Here are some works I enjoy that you might be able to find free online:

The works of Inaam Kachachi. Of course because I am Iraqi I will start with an Iraqi woman! I believe her books and other pieces are translated into many languages and she writes about the rise of religion in Iraq and how it has affected women.

Wild Thorns by Sahar Khalifeh.

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi.

Beyond the Veil by Fatema Mernissi. (She is Moroccan which is in North Africa but I think the piece is very important for everyone to read.)

Woman at Point Zero by Nawal Al-Saadawi.

The poetry of Rafeef Ziadah is available on YouTube and Spotify.

Please stop silencing Middle Eastern women or being condescending if you don’t like what we have to say. If one more Westerner tells me they know more about being an Iraqi woman than I do I am going to lose it!

5. Stay aware and critical of what you read and hear. Countries all around the world are active in the Middle East and this directly affects the women who live here. Of course we understand that people might only have very limited control or no control over their governments and large private companies and most rational people do not generalize Westerners as being war-hungry monsters.

Sometimes Western governments insist they are helping when we are screaming that they are not. For example, did you know that the UN Security Council sanctions against Iraq in the 1990s directly or indirectly led to the deaths of half a million children?

According to Unicef, the United Nations Children's Fund, the death rate of children under five is more than 4,000 a month - that is 4,000 more than would have died before sanctions. That is half a million children dead in eight years. If this statistic is difficult to grasp, consider, on the day you read this, up to 200 Iraqi children may die needlessly. "Even if not all the suffering in Iraq can be imputed to external factors," says Unicef, "the Iraqi people would not be undergoing such deprivation in the absence of the prolonged measures imposed by the Security Council and the effects of war."

Saddam Hussein was an evil dictator but by punishing him this way, the UN also punished many of the most helpless people in Iraq. I understand there are no easy answers in these situations. How can the West fight against ISIS in Iraq? (Cutting ties with the Gulf States would help but nobody listens to Middle Eastern feminists!) These are complicated problems but solutions that cause so many children to die are probably not good solutions.

Please be wary of what you are told about the Middle East and how your government’s actions actually affect the people here. Some questions to ask yourself might be:

Is this news source reliable regarding the Middle East? For example Al Jazeera is Qatar state news. This does not automatically mean all their news is false or propaganda or should not be read, but when you read it you should ask critical questions and stay aware of the source.

Where can I read a different opinion about this topic? What do I think when I read this different idea?

How does this action by my government affect the average person in the Middle East? What are people there saying about this?

How does this issue specifically affect women?

What are the differences in reporting or in ideas between people in the West and people in the Middle East? Where could those differences come from?

Can oppressing women ever be a feminist act? For example some people cheer women soldiers that directly oppress and kill women civilians as feminists for serving alongside men when the entire system is imperialist and deadly.

[itlivesbnthx]

need help with escaping abusive household asap

hi, I really feel awkward about it, but I am in a situation where I have to ask people for monetary help, as my situation is getting worse, and I have nowhere to go and no one to ask for help.

for long story short, my family is extremely abusive, and I was sent to study in Canada solely for the purpose of getting a citizenship here to get them citizenship through me as well. I have no relatives and no friends here, and I developed a severe depression and anxiety, because I had and still have no support system and I’m all alone. My mental condition is getting worse, and I am not being able to get a mental help due to my parents sending me very limited amount of money every month.

I was forced to study in a school I didn’t choose myself, on a program I didn’t choose myself, and I live in a foster house as my parents didn’t want to spend money on dorms, and yesterday I was sexually verbally harassed by one of the family members. I am not being able to move out to a different house as they don’t want to give me money on moving truck, and I feel extremely unsafe and anxious with these hostile people.

My family doesn’t care about my wellbeing, they only use me as a tool for getting a Canadian citizenship, and I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, between staying in a place I have no one to protect me and I’m not being able to protect myself, either going back home to my abusive family and I know I’ll be done for if I do this.

My family is tracking all of my social media so it’s a huge risk for me to post it online, and they’re very invasive. I am scared and very paranoid of them finding out about me being gay and having a girlfriend as they’re very homophobic, and them finding out about me trying to escape them, will be very big bad consequences for me.

My plan currently is to get enough money for a European visa to get to the Netherlands to my relative, to get a flight ticket, and to save up enough money for expenses such as dealing with my health issues and my future education. I desperately need to escape my current situation as I am at my psychological and physical limits, and feeling how I have no other options and all trapped and isolated makes me feel worse.

Any donations counts and matter everything to me ❤️

Link with more detailed information below:

https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-me-with-escaping-abusive-household