#i want to be clear that i am not saying Vox cannot be soft

[thegaywarden]

I'm not a fan of removing Vox from the consequences of his own actions. I've seen a lot of folks put the "complicated and sad" aspect of Vox and Al's relationship on the Vees, like Velvette and Val are the problem, and I just don't think that's 1) true and 2) fair.

I think this stems from some parts of the fandom wanting a "soft" Vox, but you don't become an Overlord of Hell by being soft. Sure, you might have some soft spots, like Carmilla and her daughters or Rosie and Alastor's friendship, but being soft is not a personality trait that I'd give to any of them.

Vox is a bad man. Period. And I hope that whatever happens in S2, it's because of Vox's own actions, and that if we do get to ever see the fallout between Vox and Alastor, that it is a direct consequence of Vox and Al being awful people.

[radioiaci]

The lengthy silence that follows his posed questions - clear in their intent or not - is worrisome. He hates that he feels such hesitation and what seems tantamount to fear as he allows Lucifer to think it through, though he supposes not allowing the other to take his time in his response will yield worse results. So he is forcing himself to be patient throughout, even as he feels his claws digging somewhat into the wooden desktop in what seems to be the most anxious display that he's allowed anyone to witness in some time.

He holds his breath without thinking very hard about it when Lucifer actually speaks, that near timid plea being offered to him almost catching him entirely unawares. But it makes... sense. If the man has only ever been lied to and walked away from, Alastor can hardly fault him for being cautious. The radio demon cannot relate, in that sense. The fear that he has is that he will be forced to walk away. As he'd convinced himself he had to from Vox all those years ago.

The threat of disappointment in that golden gaze is being held over his throat like a blade ready to cut and spill blood which he cannot regenerate. To trust someone in the way that he wants to... It is a risk. And is he even deserving of something so...

-tender?

As Lucifer brushes fingers over the fabric of his coat, Alastor remembers that his lungs exist and he exhales again, ears that had set themselves back in nervous energy swiveling until they are standing upright again. Resolve? Maybe. He is not sure.

It feels more like weakness.

Despite the gnawing sensation of that lingering fear placing teeth into his blackened heart and tugging with force, Alastor finds himself turning enough to take Lucifer's hand in his own grasp. It's a surprisingly soft touch, but purposeful too, staring at those blackened claws with fixed eyes that linger nearly too long before he is giving in to the impulse to bring it up to the side of his face and press Lucifer's palm against his cheek. As if they are in a war to decide who is better skirting that line of bold.

He wants to be Seen.

"...I did not lie to you," he finally says, unable to meet Lucifer's gaze but keeping possession of the Devil's hand. Not willing or able to release it just yet. Until he can wrench free the poison that is his voice; his words.

"You frustrate me. Make me angry. The moment you walked into that door I knew you were going to step in the way of everything I've worked to do here. You've done that in more ways than I think you truly know. And in doing so you've continued to confuse me - You make me question myself at every damned turn." His tone shifts - withering somewhat as he shuts his eyes entirely and leans his face more heavily into Lucifer's hand. He cannot help it and it feels so akin to Death that he is not sure he has not been the victim of an extermination after all.

Lucifer will be kinder to simply end him here and now.

"...You also make me ache." The words are quieter now, as though he is nearly fearful of being overheard. Maybe he is.

"There is almost nothing that occupies my thoughts more and I am sure that if I try to silence them that they will just come back to haunt my every waking moment." Of which there are a lot.

"...I can promise you nothing," he says. Almost regrettably as his eyes open once again and he fixes them on Lucifer's. Unblinking and unmoving. Serious despite that grim smile he cannot rid himself of even in the most dim of moments.

"Except that I will not waste my time on anything that I do not think to be valuable. And worthwhile.

You are both."

What more that spells for his own future, Alastor does not know.

It is becoming abundantly clear that there are a lot of things the radio demon does not know.

the  gift  leaves  his  clutch,  and  with  that  he  is  content  to  breathe  easy.  there  is  nothing  more  he  hopes  to  hear,  the  acceptance  is  plenty  enough  ━  so  the  following  words,  each  after  another,  surprise  him  more  than  the  last.  lips  part  and  crescents  widen,  a  brightening  of  the  dulled  reds  that  continue  to  stare.   "  thank  you  "   rings  more  genuine  than  he  has  ever  heard  alastor  grace  him  with,  whether  or  not  it  is  the  first.  though  he  does  not  make  comment,  he  will  be  taking  this  mental  note  and  tucking  it  away  for  later  use.

left  with  no  excuse  to  keep  hovering  around  the radio demon  when  his  apology  concludes,  heel  scuffs  the  floor  an  inch  back  in  preparation.  as  far  as  he  is  concerned,  he  has already  overstayed  his  welcome,  as  much  as  he  now  wants  to  stick  around.  and  then  alastor  speaks  up,  unclear  as  it  is,  and  once  again  puts  him  at  a  loss  for  words.  of  course  he  does  not  expect  to  continue  pursuing  this  conversation,  or  what  he  assumes  to  still  be  on  the  topic,   (  though  the  questions  are  disorientedly  vague,  )   given  the  fact  lucifer  has  so  clearly  given  an  out.  one  that  alastor  is  apparently  not  taking, despite seemingly being unwilling to face him.  a  gamble  it  is,  then.

❝     hm.  .  .    ❞

arms  shift  to  briefly  cross  over.  he  has  half  a  mind  to  ask  for  clarification,  but  he  already  knows  alastor  won't  want  to  give  him  an  answer.  not  a  direct  or  helpful  one,  anyway.  it  is  a  bit  of  a  nerve-wracking  thing,  knowing  whatever  he carelessly  spills  may  be  misinterpreted  again,  so  he  takes  his  time  to  mull  it  over.  even  if  he  already  knows  what  he wants to say,  it  is  a  matter  of  putting  it  into  words  ━  a  far  more  daunting  task.  silence  fills  the  delicate  space  between  the  devil's  dying  hum  and  his  stumble  of  a  response.

❝     .  .  .  i'd  like  you  to  be  ━  .  .  .  just,  don't  do  anything  you  don't  mean  ?   please.    ❞

plead  hangs  off  the  tail end  of  his  answer,  a  touch  more  distressed  than  he  intends  to  let  slip  through  the  gaps  of  an  otherwise  level  tone.  nails  dig  their  points  back  into  the  black  coverings  that  run  along  his  limbs.  it  is  not  as  if  the  thought  hasn't  crossed  his  mind  before,  just  like  it  is  now  ;  that  this  is  all  some  sickening  form  of  entertainment  derived  from  watching  a  lonely  man  struggle  to  fill  the  vacancy  of  empty  arms.  that  not  a  single  touch  is  or  ever  will  be  real.  but  he  is  willing  to  work  for  an authentic result,  if  he  must.

claws  flex  and  leave  behind  throbbing  indents  in  favor  of  further  testing  the  gap  when  he  reaches  over  the  arm  rest,  and  the  flats  of  his  fingers  brush  to  hover  a  touch  to  the  shoulder  blade  facing  him.  if  he  may  be  so  bold  so  soon,

❝     that's  all  i  need  from  you,  alastor.    ❞

[dario-the-deer]

The Ghosts of Right Now

A break. Just one night. They’ll all be there tomorrow, just as you left them.

The stag wandered aimlessly through the cold evening with no intention of finding an end goal. It was a walk to clear his conscious, as fruitless as he knew it would prove to be. The incident in the garden was overwhelming, even a day later, and he couldn’t bring himself to return to it quite yet.

The frigid air entering his lungs was exhaled in bursts of warm breath that filled the motionless air in front of him. Something about this weather reminded him of his childhood; most things did lately. He took a knee where he stood, letting his head fall and eyes shut for just a moment. He let images of his parents flood his mind in a blur of what he was barely able to remember... he did what he hadn’t been able to do since returning to the realm of the living.

He spoke softly to them, not to be deterred by anything around him. The timing felt... right.

“I’m sorry... I am so sorry.” He sighed deeply in an attempt to fight off the tears that would likely follow. “I knew what I did. I knew it -- in that moment, I did what you made me promise to never do. I am... I’m...-”

His voice cracked unexpectedly. His previously composed demeanor shifted to a shaky anger.

“Why can’t I know? I have to spend my years not knowing where you went; what happened after I made the most grave mistake of my life. I would give anything. Gods, damn it. I would give anyth-”

“For what it’s worth, bud, I don’t think it was a mistake.”

Dario’s words were cut off at the sudden emergence of a familiar tone. Soft footsteps behind him neared closer, and the deer could see the silhouette of his friend kneel down at his side in his peripheral vision.

“I heard that last bit, I’m sorry for intruding.” Vox rest his hand on Dario’s knee, also looking to the ground beneath them. “I know we haven’t talked in a minute, and the last time we spoke wasn’t the most cordial I’ve ever been. I have to apologize for that.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Vox. We’ve been through it lately. I was just... you know, when we made it to the outskirts of my old home... nobody could tell us where my parents went, or if they were even still alive.” Dario didn’t take the time to look up at his friend. There was a washing sensation of shame that overtook him. “I just need to process some things.”

Vox removed his hand and pushed his own hair back. This was still a heavy topic for Dario, and approaching it required caution.

“I remember... too well. That was before we finally made our way back here.” He shifted his head just slightly to have a better view of Dario, and could immediately see the light tear formations. “I promised you we would go back one day. I can assure you, someone has to know.”

Dario winced at the offer being brought up again -- the guilt that filled his heart couldn’t handle the kindness he was being shown.

“Vox, I need to tell you something. It’s... this is hard for me to say, and no matter what you feel, I’ll understand.” He had to remind himself to breathe at this point, as his nerves nearly put his respiratory system in arrest. “When Sylar took me and... everything happened, I had... a memory.”

He took to his feet, walking towards a stone fence nearby. He motioned for Vox to join him.

“I was barely able to comprehend what was going on, and I had the day I died on repeat. I could see every detail as if I were out of my own body. It looped over, and over, and over... and I remembered something.” He still couldn’t look at Vox. Please understand.

“I tried to do the reanimation incantation before I got hit, and I think the stress of the situation caused it to overwhelm my entire body. I tried to save myself with you, and I failed.”

Vox continued to look ahead, careful to take in this information with a neutral appearance.

“Who could blame you for that, Dario? There’s nothing wrong with wanting to save us both. I could never be upset with you for that.” He motioned to placed his hand on the stag’s back, before it was swiftly pushed away.

“No, no, Vox. That’s not... that’s not the issue. I did try to save myself, yes... but how I went about it is...” He swallowed and took a deep breath. “...my father taught me that incantation. I knew what would happen if I tried to do it, and I went for it anyway with no regard for what it could mean for me. I think he called it magick debt, and it’s essentially repercussions for using magick in a manner that isn’t for the benefit of others. ”

He felts his hands trembling. This was his worst fear.

“Either I was going to die, or it would have worked, and I would have dealt with the consequences later. Unfortunately, it didn’t work, and we know what happened that day.” Dario’s fingers began racing in their tapping pattern. “What I didn’t consider, and what came to me when I was being tortured, was the fact that the magick debt doesn’t just... go away, if you manage to come back. I knew why we had left, and I knew that I didn’t know why I hadn’t aged at first, but in those memories...”

His antlers weighed his head further down, and he could see Vox’s expression turn to a disappointed understanding.

“So... you know? Or you knew?” Vox could feel his chest tighten, creating a twinge of pain in his heart. He was slowly coming to a full comprehension. “You knew far before we returned home, Dario. You never told me any of this. Why would you keep that from me? When I spent all those years away from-”

Vox had to stop speaking. Rage was building in his entire being, and there was no telling what this new information would cause him to do.

“Vox, I swear, I didn’t do it out of malice. I promise you this with my entire heart. I thought of my parents, and I wanted to find them. I thought of my shame and... and I see now that I made a horrible, terrible mistake that I could never possibly make up to you.”

The scout quickly rose and moved away from the deer.

“Yeah, no shit, Dario! Gods, this... have you not seen what my family had to go through? I take so much responsibility for what I did, but... we could have gone back so much sooner. I could have seen them grow up. I could have been there to keep them safe. Dario, I-” He pushed his hands against his face, stifling a loud yell. “This isn’t you, Dario. You don’t do that to people. What happened? Why would you knowingly keep that from me?”

He clenched his fist tightly. For the first time in his entire life, he wanted to hit Dario with everything he had.

“You know, Stonegit wanted to shift a lot of the blame on you for us being gone. I fought him for even suggesting it... and I’m the fool. I was the fool this whole time.” He was pacing back and forth feet away from the deer, who still had not managed to break his eye contact with the ground below. “I heard the words of those I’ve known for so long, telling me that I made a mistake going with you. I could never imagine regretting it, but even now...”

Dario rushed to Vox and pushed him back, without any control of his actions.

“Do you hear yourself, Vox? I admit it -- I fucked up! I cannot tell you the guilt and pain I feel for it, but you talk about what it did to your family. At least you had a family to come home to.” Dario’s voice was surprisingly loud for how it waivered as he spoke. “I had nothing. I had the pity of my friend and his family that would forever treat me as a charity case. I needed closure, and I’m sorry for what happened with Treepelt, and with Liam, and with Kendra... but don’t think that I didn’t have my reasons for not telling you soone-”

Vox had swung before the deer had any time to register it. The blow landed directly below his left eye, causing him to stumble a few feet to his side. Even with his shorter stature than Dario, Vox had put his all in that punch.

“I gave up a decade for you, Dario! I missed watching my children grow up! I missed being there for my wife when she needed me the most, and I missed keeping my family safe from danger. Nala had to step in and do what I couldn’t, all because I thought you were worth it.”

Vox turned to face away from Dario. As far as he could tell, the conflict was over with.

“You have to tell them. I won’t do it for you.”

Dario fell back onto one knee and he saw the feet of his old friend wander away from where they fought. The tears streaming from his eyes fell to the ground in rapid succession; his words caught themselves in his throat so tightly that he couldn’t say anything more to the departing scout.

I wasn’t worth it.