#i want my body to be comfortable again

[fuckthisshitimin]

Eat

"You don't cook."

It's all Sebastian can think to say, all Sebastian can think at all. His mind is a blur these days - nightmares, and the new meds, maybe? He can't remember when it started to feel like that, it's far from an all time low still, so he'll take it.

There's a heavy looking stewpot on the kitchen table, Styx had to move a couple (a dozen) empty coffee mugs to put it here, and he started cleaning another pot, taking a pack of uncooked rice out of his pocket like it's something absolutely normal to carry.

"Nah, I don't like to cook, not the same."

It's maybe one of the first things Sebastian had learnt about Styx. Mysterious, foul-mouthed Styx. A stray black cat that miraculously let him into its life.

"Then why are you cooking?"

"Well that's what best friends are for, right? Suffering mild inconveniences to make sure the other doesn't fucking die?"

Sebastian attempts a laugh, but it doesn't seem to be what Styx is going for. He rinses the pot, fills it with water, turns the hob on. He doesn't add salt. Sebastian always boils saltwater. Well, except for coffee. Which reminds him- "Bastian, how long have I know you?"

"Five years." He picks his current mug up from the ground, waltzes around Styx to refill it with coffee, put it in the microwave. He watches the mug rotating, sickly porcelain under the yellow light. He doesn't remember what he was doing before Styx came in. It's nearing eight in the morning, maybe he was off to bed.

"And do you know how old I am?"

"No. What, have you finally decided to tell me?"

"Dream on. But I've been around for decades before you were born, and chances are, I'm gonna be around for decades after you're gone. You're gonna die on me, mate."

Strange thought. Strange idea, to say it out loud. Sebastian knows Styx is old - too old. Like a vampire or something. He opens the microwave before it beeps, blows on the coffee to assess the temperature. Just a little more. Thirty seconds.

"And I made peace with that. Mostly. When you stormed into my life like the petulant nuisance you are I thought 'Oh, shit, I'm gonna follow this idiot till the day he dies'," seventeen seconds, "and so I know, I always knew. But I'm not gonna let you wilt away like a houseplant."

Five seconds, Sebastian takes the mug out. Blows on it. Just right. "I don't know what you mean."

"You're melting."

Again, a strange choice of words. Styx chooses strange words all the time. Again, Sebastian is tired. Sitting on his bed might be his best choice. He crashes there. "When was the last time you ate a full meal?"

"I dunno. Yesterday? Dinner?"

Instant noodles. It's a meal. It's literally a meal. It's not that long ago, and he had snacks, too. Lots of snacks. Too many? He didn't count. There were moments he had to eat something, and he did. Surely that is enough.

"You can't do this shit to me, Bastian. D' you know what it feels like, to be skinny?"

Of course he knows. His noodle arms are here for that. For all the time Sebastian has known him, Styx has never been particularly thin. His thighs are full, his arms, soft, his stomach round. He puts the stewpot on the second hob, curry, maybe. "I don't-"

"I've fucken been there, kay? And right now you don't see it, but I see it."

The water boils, and Styx pours the rice in it, before joining his best friend on the bed. Dirty laundry by his pillow. The duvet is out of the sheets. It's a bit of a mess, but Styx's place is messier, and Sebastian lights a cigarette. Misplaced satisfaction, like his ribs when he scratches his back. He remembers he was real skinny once, too, he remembers he liked how small his boobs got when he ate just a little, just a little less - now his chest is flat, it is not an issue. The ribs, still. A drop of left-over euphoria.

Styx opens his mouth wide, and Sebastian wonders if he got a new piercing for his tongue, but he points at two teeth. "Those are fake. The real ones died in my mouth because I was too fucked in the head to eat properly." He should have lowered the heat on the rice - and salt, he didn't put salt in. Sebastian doesn't get up to correct it. He looks at Styx's teeth.

"Being underweight hurts. You get used to it. Get used to being cold, all, the, bloody, time, you bruise more easily. Everything bruises. Sitting on the floor for too long. Leaning on the fucking wall. And you don't really notice, because it's normal now."

There are red and purple bruises all over Sebastian's knees. He didn't do anything too extreme. He bruises easily. Always has. Probably. He pulls the duvet towards him, covering his legs.

"Wounds take longer to heal, too. And you get sick. And you get used to it, too, I got used to my throat being sore like I got used to my knees aching after walking a fucking mile, and it took a decade to get my head out of this crap. You're smart, Bastian, like me. Don't think you're too smart to fall for this shit."

He is, still. He eats enough. He toes the line. He's not underweight - or barely. He is, just barely. He did the math. He can still work. His body is okay enough.

"Because that's not how it works. It's worse when you're smart, cause your mind is so goddamn good at tricking you, at arguing against the people telling you you're not okay, telling you you can toe the line between a disordered eating and an eating disorder just for science, as an experiment - but you're just getting worse."

Sebastian thinks it's maybe the longest he's ever heard Styx talk at once.

"Fucking around and finding out with your health is bullshit. I should be dead, Fen." It's been years since Styx called him that. He can't imagine a world where Styx is dead. No, no. "This is an experiment, but you're the subject, and the rot in your brain tries to convince you you're the scientist."

The smoke on Sebastian's tongue brings nausea. He doesn't like the feeling - scrutiny. Helplessness.

"Not eating is not gaining control. I promise. I swear to Christ."

It rings like a doom bell. It echoes in the empty pit of Sebastian's stomach, where guilt lives, allowing no roommate.

"Shit."

"Yeah. It's shit. I took some books, so I can stay a few days. But I'm not leaving until you eat."

Black eyes. Wet and shiny. Sebastian isn't hungry - and he knows Styx has a point. He knows there is a rot in his brain, that lies. It speaks with his voice, when it promises he'll eat later. It likes his bones bare. It recoils at the thought of getting better. Fatter. Happier. It recoils beneath Styx's eyes.

"Okay."

[martyryo]

long hair marla long hair marla long hair marla lo

[bixels]

So I l’ve been getting into your ko crisis story lately (it all sounds rlly awesome btw) and i was curious - you’ve said in the tags in a previous ask that ash is comphet, so is that gonna play a major role in her character arc/journey in any way?

Yeah, the story basically covers her journey of redefining her identity as a queer Asian-American disabled woman in a sports-entertainment industry, which is a media landscape that specifically targets, exploits, and fetishizes people like her.

[chrliekclly]

charden is v important to me bcuz they recognize their traumas n each othr...

[sergle]

I feel you, its so bad 😭, I had to go on a functioning adult human schedule for school and good god, out the house by 7am... bad bitches are not built for that..

WE REALLY ARE... and man, I can brute force myself into any schedule if there are things that HAVE to be done at certain times (like school, like you said) but it absolutely never feels "right". it feels like waking up at 3am to go to the airport type of shit. and it is truly so annoying... to get hit with the "that's a Normal schedule, you need to Fix your schedule" okay. alright. but let me hit you with this one. is it "normal" or is it just conducive to a 8 - 5. because no matter what my sleep schedule is like, or how locked in I am, I'm more clear headed at night + more productive and energetic. and no matter what, I'm tired during the day, especially the brightest times of day when the sun is allegedly supposed to be signaling my brain to be awake and alert. and it doesn't matter how much sleep I got.

[nyatbinary-81]

@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.

[skitskatdacat63]

"Death is nothing, but to live defeated and inglorious is to die daily."

+ process(tw blood)

Also, look at him, bloody little guy 🥹

This drawing was inspired by several matador pics :D here and here:

^ I don't think I'll ever live up to the second one ah. There's several pics of that specific guy just soaked with blood, and I'm uh a bit obsessed with then ITS FUCKED UP I KNOW OKAY! But I've not drawn blood in a while so it was a bit difficult so I added less than I would want to I guess. Also I'm obsessed with how often they kneel in bullfighting?? Like okay who are you arching your back and spreading your legs for-

[possamble]

Do you have any plan to make some kind of bonus chapter or oneshot about marcille's perspective in little creature? It's not like I'm asking you for it ofc!! it's just that i think it'll be interesting to read, and especially since you had those tags about marcille after her fight/outburst with falin and how you couldn't add it to the fic because the fic is from falin's perspective

Probably not about anything that happens during a little creature, but maybe something before or after? Sometimes I do like to do "the other character thinking back to events while doing stuff in a sequel" oneshot type thing, but we'll see how it shakes out!

[darlingpwease]

WEI WUXIAN, who is afraid of childbirth and pregnancy, and wants to have adopted puppies sooner than ever give birth to them, because he knows a lot of stories about painful childbirth and death during them, and the very thought of pregnancy makes him feel terrible —

♡

alpha!reader who makes a lot of nests and brings clothes so that your omega can hide in them, but at the same time you completely lack any desire to have biological puppies, even if your parental instinct is very active and even aggressive in manifestation — but you completely spend it on your husband, who remains an eternal puppy.

[artanogon]

thinking more about being trans

[nickbutnodick]

sometimes i surprise even myself with this fantastic playlist

[lunarharp]

wip thing...

of my bg3 avatar hellebore. i also did some casual nude studies of my 3 characters which i'll put under a cut... rather unlike me after all. (so WARNING for abrupt non-sexual full Artistic nudity lol...,,,,) (< won't be making a habit of this)

they mean the world to me

[bearyyayay]

They meet once more

"Hey Sammy"

"Paulie..."

Now imma go sleep baii 😎😎

[red-dyed-sarumane]

i need people to start paying me for every time they tell me "oh but ur arts so good ur wasting ur talent u need to do it professionally" wrong i need to do art to draw beautiful characters that not a single other person cares about while feeding every ounce of love i have into my work or to convey thoughts & feelings beyond words and to even think of doing otherwise is to deny my own nature "oh but u can do what u want and then sell it" why is everything about money to you why cant u just enjoy things at what point in ur life did u forget how to have fun

[rubenesque-as-fuck]

So frustrating that I spent most of my 20's alone and not getting laid and now my 30's are almost half over and the situation still has not improved 😩

[sysig]

Pivotal bright spot (Patreon)