#i want a girl with squirrel powers befriending Galactus

[thebibliomancer]

100 Days of Comics! 088/100: Mrs. Deadpool and the Howling Commandos #2 (2015)

Today’s selection from the box of exactly twelve remaining mysteries comes to us from Secret Wars! No, not that one. N-no not that one either. N- the most recent one. Where everything blew up and Doom became God-Emperor of Battleworld.

The main story was... serviceable. It wasn’t really bad. It had some good moments, like Carol Danvers beating her way into control of the Sinister Hivemind. It probably all comes down to how much weight you give the Doom/RICHARRRRRRRRRRRRDS dynamic.

Where it really shined was the tie-ins. Which mostly did not tie-in. When reading the main story, I was sure that some of the stuff there was going to get more fully explained in the tie-ins but mostly no, not really.

But they did explore this crazy new mixed up patchwork world. Many of the tie-ins were not very good. Superficial retreads of the stories they were inspired by. Looking at you, E for Extinction and Age of Apocalypse Secret Wars tie-ins.

But some of them were bonkers enough to be worth it.

So here we have Mrs. Deadpool and the Howling Commandos. Which is a bit of a misnomer.

Ghost Deadpool: “Hey there gang! Deadpool here -- emphasis on the dead! Because I am a ghost. Because I am dead.

Crazy right?

Anyway, this series takes place on Battleworld -- it’s like this “everything bagel” but where all the sesame seeds and poppy seeds are bits of different realities. It was made by Doctor Doom after all of everything everywhere died.

(That was how I died too.)

My wife Shiklah is still alive in the little slice of our world that got preserved... but Doom done doomed-up everyone’s memories so they don’t remember things the right way. Shikkie-poo doesn’t remember being my missus -- in this world she’s still Dracula’s betrothed!

Don’t worry -- the Shikster is not really into Drac. She’s got half of an ancient weapon and plans to betray him as soon as she gets the other half.

Only problem? The Howling Commandos -- Dracula’s top warriors comprised of Werewolf-by-Night, the Living Mummy, Frankenstein’s Monster, Man-Thing, and Marcus, the Roman centaur with a symbiote and diabetes -- have been sent along with her on her quest... and told by their master to make sure she doesn’t survive the deal!”

As we pick up, Deadpool sits in a fancy chair and reads Daredevil, throwing it away when he notices us come in. But also Shiklah is still on her fake quest to spread her brothers’ ashes.

Shiklah doesn’t trust the Howling Commandos because on top of being Dracula’s stooges, they killed one of their own for displeasing Dracula. But Werewolf-by-Night Jack reveals that Invisible Man had been leaking secrets to the Thor Corps and its not a good sign that they are interested in Dracula’s realm. But Jack doesn’t think its a big deal. He figures that Invisible Man was just making stuff up to get cool mole money. Frankenstein confides that he thinks the Invisible Man watched him change for bed.

But then they arrives at the river styx and Shiklah demands the boatman ferry them across. He refuses. They’re not dead yet.

Shiklah: “You’ll be dead if you don’t move our asses across this stupid river!”

Living Mummy: -whisper- “She’s a terrible negotiator.”

And then zombies attack and the Howling Commandos and Shiklah leap into action.

Living Mummy tells Shiklah to just dump her brothers’ ashes on this beach so they can leave but she refuses.

And they’re fighting. Its a pretty cool monster mash. Maybe even a graveyard smash.

Shiklah wonders why Man-Thing doesn’t help and the Mummy says he’s sensitive to emotions. And I guess the zombies don’t have any. But Frankenstein is afraid of zombies and has been covering his face. So Man-Thing comes up and gives him a reassuring hug- OH GOD EVERYTHING IS FIRE

The ferryman comes back and offers to bend the rules this one time since they did kill all the zombies. But Frankenstein puts his fist literally through the boatman’s head. So they steal his boat.

Not that they needed it. Apparently the river Styx is just a shallow stream. You could walk across.

When they reach the other shore, Shiklah dumps out her brothers’ ashes in a heap. In reality, she thought they were boobs who underestimated their enemy.

The Howling Commandos keep trying to tell Shiklah something but she pulls out a watermelon with bananas taped to it.

Wait, what?

Oh, that wily Living Mummy pickpocketed the Medusa head from her and hid it in his wraps. That zany mummy.

The Howling Commandos come clean. Dracula ordered them to kill her but they don’t want to. They actually want to help take Dracula down. Oh and they didn’t kill the Invisible Man. He’s back in Dracula’s palace invisibly spying on Dracula right now.

Jack and Shiklah get into an argument about who the leader should be. Shiklah settles it by kissing Jack into a stupor.

Deadpool is unhappy with this and floats into the comic to demand a talk with Shiklah. But he dead. She can’t see him. Its like It’s A Wonderful Life. But at least he doesn’t have a guardian angel.

Bob, Agent of Hydra, shows up to be Deadpool’s guardian angel. So Deadpool karate chops him in the neck. “Ain’t got time for your &#$%&%#$, Bob.”

Meanwhile, at Dracula’s palace. Invisible Man invisibly eats a chicken drumstick. And then angry Dracula angrily barges in, stops in confusion and asks why there is a cooked bird. Dracula’s nosferatu-esque servant thought Dracula asked him to fetch it as a test of his abilities. It was hard to find. They had to cut it from the belly of a poisonous orc.

Dracula continues his angry storm-off and when he’s alone, the Invisible Man invisibly vomits after learning where the chicken was from.

And then we see why Dracula was so angry. Some Thors came to see him. The jivest Blade Thor and a Lizard Thor.

Blade Thor: “Here’s the deal: I’ve been hearing a lot of gum bumping up in the streets about friction down here. Like some crazy exorcist jive. So nip it in the bud, you dig? Otherwise you’re gonna be mixing it up with the bad brothers of the Thor Corps.”

Geez. It makes so much sense to have a Thor’d Blade be the one who oversees the monster mash realm. And to some extent, the Lizard too. He’s a monster. He can speak their language. “Sssskgk!” And Blade hunts vampires. Good, inspired selection for Thors, Gerry Duggan.

And I like this book. I already read it when I was reading every Secret Wars tie-in. But there’s just something fun about a group of Howling Commandos that are a bunch of Hammer Horror monsters, and Marcus the Roman centaur with a symbiote and diabetes.

Its just a great concept. Unfortunately limited to four issues because of the nature of Secret Wars.

I know there was another Howling Commandos book with monsters. It had Hit-Monkey, Manphibian, Man-Thing, Teen Abomination, Orrgo, undead Jasper Sitwell, vampire Nina Price, and LMD Dum Dum Dugan in command. I won’t say no to Hit-Monkey but as for the others, they’re okay monsters but they don’t really match up to the same bonkers feel that the Hammer Horror squad had.

DC also had a similar team concept. The Creature Commandos. Basically following the Hammer Horror idea. They had a normal human, a werewolf, a vampire, Frankenstein, and a gorgon. Initially. The team make up changes. At one point it included a mummy and a bogman.

The point being that Hammer Horror superhero team is a great idea and I would read it a lot. Especially if they then also included Hit-Monkey. He’s a monkey who is also an assassin who assassinates assassins.

Pander to me, comics! Pander to meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!