#i walk into this place like *why tf is everything underwater????*

[miquella-everywhere]

Can I talk about how great the Church District of the Black Keep is because I feel like the Church District of the Black Keep is amazing

It's about an area built to worship the Mother who you believed in, a holy crusade in Her name, wanton murder and graceless violence committed in Her Name and you have the nerve to pray to something holy, to pray for salvation and recognition despite the violence you've committed against the world and its people.

It's about centuries of this violent crusade that earns you nothing but silence. It's about burying, drowning this silence, beheading the face of the very person who abandoned you, that you had committed your existence too, the very person you owe your existence too. It's about realizing that the person you love the most may have never loved you at all... Or at least never acknowledged you, despite all that you have done in Her name.

It's about realizing that unconditional love was never truly unconditional. You've dug your own grave of abandonment at this point, or perhaps you were just never loved to begin with? Now will you die and disappear into nothing, or overcome your despair despite the guarantee that you will never be truly loved at all?

Which do you prefer?

[livingwithlosingyou]

Living with Losing You - 10/24/2022

First day of being an official FTE again!

When you died, I took 4 weeks off. Then, I was placed on a reduced schedule of 3 days a week from then until now. I do feel like I am ready to take it all on again because missing days was stressing me TF out. I would be gone for a day and come back to 200 emails. Always playing catch up became overwhelming in itself. I have to give my company massive kudos though, that’s not on them, it’s just the reality of my role. They have been incredibly supportive and patient of my healing process. I feel so blessed to work for an org like that. 

It was a very busy day though, and so very productive. I crossed almost everything off my to-do list today! Little victories add up! I had gone into the office thinking I was going to onboard, but unfortunately she withdrew. I had to meet with another employee while I was there anyway, so it worked out. I felt like I blinked and it was 1pm. I quickly left the office to grab a salad for lunch, then rushed home. I ate my salad while I worked, and then before I knew it, ti was 3:40pm. I was late to practice today, and still checking messages at practice even. I will say that I realize I personally need to be better coming back, because I do not have the emotional capacity to do that daily. 

Practice was good though! I really have been enjoying coaching so much. Boys had track / speed today. We race our biggest competitor in the league on Wednesday. I am nervous but excited for it. Really hoping we can get the “W”, but I am proud of our boys either way. They have had a good season. I was also at practice fairly late. After the workout we sent the varsity team in a 3.5 mile cool down. Well, I decided to run with them at first, which seemed like a good idea. The pace started off well, but by the end we were at 7:15 and I was not down. I didn’t want to give up though, cause what kind fo coach would I be if I did that!? Powered through. I wore that cute punny dinosaur shirt that I got in KY. Some people appreciated it. I love it and that is all that matters. 

After practice, I drove to Chick-Fil-A for dinner only to realize that I left my wallet at home in my other bag. I went back home and picked up Sadie since she was home a lot of today. I also got her two pup cups cause she is the bestest girl in the whole wide world (as you used to say). I just felt bad that she was home a lot of today. I really try not to do that. She has had eventful days upon days, so one rest day would probably suit her well. Erika called me on the way and we talked for about 2 hours. I love her so much, she has been so great to me as a friend. I ate dinner then took her out to go to the bathroom / for a brief walk. When I came back I started to clean up. This place got a bit out of control since I have been so busy. I really want to start going back to a sense of normalcy, and start cooking again too. I have been eating out way too much, it is such a waste of money. I know that I have been struggling and just was not paying as much attention, but I would likely be disgusted at how much I am spending a week by just eating out. Even with PS. It’s making me sick just thinking about it. I plan to run to the store tomorrow. I would like to try and start with eating at last one meal at home a day / limiting my daily spend on food. It got wild for a few months there. Honestly though the fact that I was eating and have been eating is a victory in itself too, so that’s why I was giving myself some grace. It could be worse. 

Okay, food rant over. Something else kind of interesting happened today. There were a few times that we went surfing with my family and friends, and I brought an underwater disposable camera. No clue if it actually took the pictures, but I was able to find it and I set it on the storage cabinet in the office next to your shadow box / on top of the box with your things. I plan to try and drop it off this week, the sooner the better. I am just excited ti see if we have any cute pics on there! Well, when I came home from practice, that camera was laying on the floor outside of that room. I just don’t see Latte playing with it, and plus the fact that it wasn't in an easily accessible area. Just strange, so many strange things. In a way, I like to think they’re you. There have been times where I feel like I can sense you. Call me crazy, but I do think that’s a thing. 

Anyway, I am all showered up, animals are laying on the bed, and I need to go to sleep. As I am typing this I hear a random high pitch noise in my ear out of nowhere. It kind of happened earlier too. Maybe I should get that checked out. They do say that is angel(s) trying to communicate. 

I keep having this dream where I am trying to text you and the message never sends. Like, I can never get a hold of you. It it hard when I wake up at times and believe that you’re alive and have to remind myself, it’s the worst. 

I have been having some intrusive thoughts, especially since I have been home. I talked to my therapist about the CBT, but I might try and see what I can start to do on my own with a workbook in the meantime. I really want to get ahead of this. 

I love you, James. 

Sometimes I feel angry that you left me, mostly I feel devastated. It really tears me up to think about. 

Rest in Peace, James Burton Nichols

10/1/1993 - 7/16/2022

[merinnan]

DMBJ Explore with the Note Ep 3

Okay! Recap post for DMBJ season 2 (Explore with the Note), Ep 3!

Current counts:

Season 2 Xiaoge Rescue Count: 2 for Wu Xie, 2 for protagonists, 3 for everyone

Season 2 Wu Xie Swoon Count: 0 

Season 2 Evil Hair Count: 2 

 Cumulative Xiaoge Rescue Count: 12 for Wu Xie, 17 for protagonists, 18 for everyone 

Cumulative Wu Xie Swoon Count: 6

- Hopefully this ep has less snorkelling scenes 

- But to be honest 

- It would be hard to have MORE snorkelling scenes than ep 2 and still have plot

- Oh yeah, they've just had the first switcheroo of the side chambers and Wu Xie is Very Confused

- And Xiaoge just realised he's been here before, and is admitting he has memory problems 

- You are still such a bad liar at this point, Wu Xie. 

- Oh my god, Pangzi, you can't just ask people if they inject Botox or have a radiation-caused genetic mutation

- Also, yes, I am already on my bullshit with the soft looks Xiaoge gives Wu Xie 

- Well. The looks. Because this Xiaoge looks at people who are not Wu Xie about the same amount as Yang Yang's Xiaoge did

- It is very convenient how the flashbacks in this one are colour coded with that soft yellow lighting 

- It's taken these guys from 20 years ago a lot longer to get out here than it's taken Wu Xie and co. in the present time

- Like. I'm kinda wondering if this past Xiaoge was just straight up watching the idiot Xie accidentally kill himself. 

- I mean, I wouldn't blame him, tbh

- Going out diving by yourself without telling anyone is borderline suicidal without adding sneaking into an underwater tomb without adequate preparation to it 

- It's nice to have better lighting in the flashbacks, though 

- There's a snek-browed fishy, and past!Xiaoge is shook

- Also, that Xie guy looks like he was boiled or roasted down there 

- Oh, is past!Xiaoge remembering something about snek-fishies?

- Wu Xie coming in with some epic side-eye as Xiaoge tells the story

- Why does the flashback get a much more clear and visible snorkelling scene?! 

- You can actually see things! - Are they trying to make a low-key accidental statement about water pollution?

- Okay, this episode's snorkelling scene starts 6 minutes in 

- Let's see how long it goes for 

- Hopefully it will end before the 17 minute mark 

- That's the bar it has to beat here 

- Surely it can't be that hard 

- Oh, I spoke too soon on the water clarity

- Hey, if Sanshu and Wenjin could properly communicate underwater without arm notepads and without pulling out their fucking snorkles to try to literally talk underwater, WU XIE AND PANGZI, then why couldn't people in the present timeline do the same?

- Not looking at anyone in particular 

- At all 

- Especially not ones named Wu Xie and Pangzi

- The sea monkey that Sanshu chased off looks like baby compared to the one on the ghost ship

- Wow. Snorkelling took less than a minute and a half, with almost twice the number of people 

- Obviously A-Ning needed more people on her expedition 

- Then they wouldn't have had to swim around aimlessly for eleven fucking minutes before getting into the tomb

- Hahah, a perfume tomb 

- Sure it is 

- Don't you think that should make you suspicious, Sanshu? 

- There's always gotta be a big, interesting mural. Let's see what exposition this one will trigger.

- Ofc Pangzi goes sniffing for perfume after hearing about it being there 20 years ago 

- In a different room in the tomb 

- After people had traipsed through it with their stinky diving equipment

- And ofc he doesn't smell it and then complains that it can't have been there in the first place 

- Xiaoge's expression just says everything

- See, Wu Xie is the smart boy with the logical suggestions of why that might be, Pangzi 

- This guy who wants to leave is like the only genre-savvy one of the lot of them 

- Smart suggestions from past!Sanshu that yes, everyone should listen to 

- They're not gonna listen to him

- Yep, taking a nap is never a good idea in these situations 

- Which is why he's gonna do it 

- After DMBJ 1 Pangzi, it's so nice to have a Pangzi who's smart and competent straight off the bat, instead of having to take like 4/5 of the season to get to that point

- And ofc you were a hooligan as a kid, Pangzi. I am totally unsurprised by this news 

- I'd wondered why he jumped straight to aroma hypnosis, but him having come across it before when he was younger explains it

- This Wu Xie has some fantastic facial expressions 

- For instance, this one is wondering if Pangzi is bullshitting him 

- He doesn't even need to say it. It's right there on his face

- Oh yeah, Xiaoge recognises that

- And I was wondering how they'd intro that in without Wu Xie's disreputable antique store contacts telling him about it 

- Pangzi is ofc the logical choice for it 

- Hahah, yes, Wu Xie, you're right and you should say it

- Wu Xie: There's no such thing as ghosts 

- Xiaoge's expression: You might want to reconsider that 

- Oooh, Wu Xie has heard about it, too.

- Like almost 20 years ago, judging by how young he is in these flashbacks. And that this one looks like it takes place not long after Sanshu got into trouble from Grandpa Wu 

- But like, Sanshu, why are you telling a five year old about this? Or maybe he's six. BUT STILL

- Sanshu, do not recommend evil, possibly-ghosty, nightmare-inducing perfumed bone to your baby nephew as a sleep aid 

- Who tf let you near children?

- Ah, now time for the Sanshu-POV flashback. Which is happening within Wu Xie's flashback 

- Flashback-ception! 

- See, Sanshu, told you sleeping was a bad idea 

- None of them listened to you 

- Because you fell asleep and couldn't tell them no

- He can see surprisingly well for a man left in a sideroom of an underwater tomb with no light sources 

- It looks like they took all his diving gear as well as their own 

- How rude of them 

- OH GOOD, it's not just me who was thinking that this room looked really empty

- I thought I was imagining things, or mixing up the room they were in earlier with the room that Wu Xie and the rest were in last ep 

- Are those...claw marks where the mural used to be?

- OH WAIT NOW I REMEMBER WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HIM 

- If this is following the book as closely as it seems for this bit, anyway 

- I am less confused now

- Weird flash of light and sudden coffin appears 

- Which Sanshu can still see without a light source 

- Remember, kids, eat all your carrots like Sanshu obviously does!

- Do they just paint the same mural in every side chamber that has a mural? Because that looks just like the one from the other room. 

- Oh no, I can see some differences in it now 

- Yeah, that's not a good sign

- WTF Sanshu don't touch the creepy coffin that's suddenly pouring dark liquid out of it 

- Is that another sea monkey?

- Apparently diving equipment is only necessary to get down to the tomb, not to get back up. You won't even swallow much water, you'll get back perfectly safely, just a bit out of breath 

- And tired enough to pass out on the beach, but that might be from fighting a sea monkey first

- JFC, Sanshu, why are you telling all this to a five year old? 

- You really think this is gonna dissuade him from this when he grows up? No. You are planting the early seeds of encouragement. 

- Also the early seeds of lifelong nightmares

- You know, I still haven't worked out how Sanshu didn't recognise Xiaoge in DMBJ 1 - both drama and book. I mean, drama can be explained by them only adapting the first book that time, but book? Unless it gets explained later on

- Or I somehow skipped the explanation, which is also possible - I'll go back and reread them another time 

- lol, Pangzi 

- And look, more spiderwebs 

- The undersea spider colony here really works hard 

- Aaaah, Wu Xie's figuring it out already

- Pangzi seems to be serving the purpose of giving all the hints and little plot points that book Wu Xie already had before he stepped foot in the tomb 

- Hahahah, 'can you please speak human'

- Pangzi with the major concerns. Who cares about running out of oxygen if the food is gone?! Not Pangzi! 

- lol, looking at each other when they think Pangzi's being silly or unreasonable is already their go-to response

- lol, and Xiaoge doesn't agree until Wu Xie nods 

- Ah, first thing they come across is the coffin from one of the other rooms, and Pangzi is showing off that this time around he actually knows things! Yay!

- Okay, this little smile and nod from Xiaoge to Wu Xie is just too adorable for words

- And in they go to investigate the coffin 

- I do have to say that it's a very pretty coffin, though 

- Yes, Xiaoge, that look is the appropriate look to give to Pangzi for saying that XD

- WTF is that 

- lol, I like this troll Wu Xie 

- Well. That was dramatic. 

- IDK how the coffin lid when flying off like that though, there doesn't seem to be a sea monkey hiding in there this time 

- Ew, that's a little gruesome 

- Wu Xie is appropriately horrified by this

- It does still amuse me how Pangzi isn't even pretending not to be a tomb robber this time. He's so refreshingly honest about it. 

- Hahaha. "Are you a Virgo? You're so picky" because Wu Xie is more interested in looking at the vases than in just grabbing a few to bail water with

- But hey, Wu Xie is a Pisces, nice to know 

- You're just gonna walk over the top of that coffin lid like that, huh, Pangzi? Weren't you the one talking about how valuable the coffin was? And how you needed to do the proper rituals to show respect before opening it?

- And Wu Xie is back in the other room happily playing with vases and looking at the stories painted on them 

- Alone 

- Nothing bad could possibly come of this 

- It's not like Wu Xie has a tendency to get into danger without even realising it 

- Not at all

- But he's so happy! Like a cute little puppy 

- lol, you really were so wrapped up in the vases that you didn't notice him leaving, huh, Wu Xie? 

- Oops, looks like you stayed there a bit too long, Wu Xie. The entrance to the other room isn't there anymore

- Hahah, Xiaoge is so delicately scooping out water with the bowl compared to Pangzi just fucking going for it with that huge vase 

- Aww, Xiaoge is worried about Wu Xie. 

- But, y'know, guys, maybe you should turn around and realise that there's no entrance anymore

- Although that body is pretty creepy and attention-grabbing 

- Yeah, I don't think that's gonna help, Wu Xie 

- You're so adorable, though 

- WTF how is there a live cat there 

- Yeah, I don't blame you for pulling a gun, Pangzi

- Now back to poor, worried Wu Xie 

- WTF does the theory of relativity have to do with the current situation? 

- Awww, he's talking himself down from panic again. And it seems to be working. 

- ...or not

- Ooh, the cat corpse is gone 

- Xiaoge doesn't seem that concerned. More interested in the human corpse 

- And they STILL haven't noticed that the entrance is gone I thought you had better situational awareness than this, Xiaoge 

- Oh, that's not a good sign

- Ah, finally, NOW you notice 

- As always, Xiaoge takes this the most calmly out of all of them 

- I think it's a little late for not getting anxious, Wu Xie, when you were practically panicking earlier 

- Uh-oh

- Here's the sea monkey, and Xiaoge is trapped in another room with no way of knowing 

- Even though he does seem to have a sixth sense solely dedicated to Wu Xie being in trouble

- Run, Wu Xie, run! 

- Lose your balance on those arrows! Throw those priceless vases as ineffective weapons! 

- Ah, a side chamber which conveniently as a door that closes and locks

- GDI, Wu Xie, don't taunt the monster that's chasing you 

- lol, his, 'wait, did that actually work' face

- Oh, so it's just gonna...dig through those stones. Fantastic. 

- Why is there no blood on his knife? There really should be blood on his knife after stabbing that deeply. 

- Hahah, Pangzi says that Wu Xie's guess was wrong, and Xiaoge just gives this lovely 'bitch please' look

- That's a hairy hairy hand right there 

- I don't think Xiaoge so much as flinched 

- Even when Pangzi's dart almost hit him 

- Oh, okay, he seems vaguely concerned about the mark on his wrist now

- Oh, and now he's worried 

- Yeah, when Xiaoge is worried and yells at you to run, it's time to fucking book it 

- Guess he's a bit too distracted for his Wu Xie Is In Danger sense to be tingling right now

- That's a weird looking coffin 

- And on Wu Xie considering anachronistic elements of this tomb that he's now noticing, Ep 3 comes to an end. 

- And with no updates to the Rescue Count, the Swoon Count, or the Evil Hair Count.