#i usually never involve myself in this shit but its driving me absolutely insane

[le-fruit-de-la-passion]

Perhaps a Hot Take: I don't have anything against JayVik as a ship, but the amount of people in the fandom who use it as an opportunity to be openly racist and misogynistic towards Mel and Sky, and to feminize/infantilize Viktor as a disabled man make it REALLY hard to enjoy

[chrliekclly]

do you think charlei and dee had sex because they mistook their genuine platonic bonding as attraction? (serious question, steming from thatlesbian dee post). I never thought of it that way, and I'm interested to hear that side !

YES that’s actully smthn i lose my sht abt !! iv blown up ppls mssgs with this kinda talk like, im a mess. ok lemme type right nd lemme type A Lot Again Anyways cz thos 2 giv me Way too many feelings (im spposd to b working on a final rn christ…)

okay…i scrolled back up after finishing nd turns out i went…literally insane…aka Much too far…so i need to under-the-cut it. mobile…viewers…i’m rly so sorry. swipe hard to leap ahead…hell im sorry fr computer viewers too. my theme is rough.

to start, my HCs surrounding chardee are rooted in charlie being on the ace spectrum and dee being gay (or like @ least bi, but imo all the men stuff is straight up compulsory heterosexuality).

i will always cling tight to the deleted scene wherein charlie says he thinks sex is gross and will genuinely get sick when he thinks about it unless he thinks about it with one specific woman. i know he shows sexual interest a decent amount of times throughout the show and has canonically had sex (on camera too, yeesh) but i see each time as very out of the blue moments (coming onto dee @ multiple points while worked up, agreeing to bang tatiana cuz she says to, that kinda thing) or relating to his long standing and delusional obsession with the waitress. in that vein, he’s also canonically enjoyed sex, and I don’t try and blind-eye any of it, because ace doesn’t always mean sex can’t be enjoyed in the moment. charlie definitely has a libido, and bodies be bodies. hell, sex-repulsed can sometimes even flip 180 in the right conditions. shit is one fun spectrum i’ll tell you that…but either way, to start with him, i think him going forward with banging dee was very much a misjudgment of what feelings are and being extremely caught up in a moment where he felt real, genuine, closeness with someone else who he was having a damn good time making terrible poetry with.

as for dee, i, first of all, just agree with everything in that post. in the context of chardee, as much as i will lose my mind in tags about how hard i ride or die the ship, it’s mostly my obsession with their dynamic. i don’t think chardee is meant to be endgame. i absolutely 100% believe that dee, too, is misinterpreting her feelings. i think part of it is her consistent comp het, and the other is she’s never been close with someone the way she has been with charlie, and she doesn’t know what she’s meant to do with it. i think she was similarly caught up in a moment in which she showed her own vulnerability, opening herself up to someone who could easily just ridicule her as she’s used to (”right now? i’m scared”), and she receives support from him instead (”you’re not gunna bomb, you’re gunna do great”). we’ve seen how much dee craves validation, thats her entire thing. i’m not shocked she dropped her pants in this moment lmao. she probably felt her damn heart flutter cuz she got told by someone who she at least somewhat trusts that she really is good, even if she doesn’t think so. the only rational explanation for the feeling associated with that person is that he’s The One right? pretty big leap

just…basically i dont think either of them know what a relationship is.

charlie’s lived nearly his entire life deluding himself into thinking that, 1. he and the waitress have a relationship that is anything other than creepy, and 2. that the warped-ass mess of an image he’s created in his brain for what he and the waitress are to each other is what love is. he thinks he’s making progress in getting close to her when the only thing she’s Ever done pre-s12 is ask him to leave her the fuck alone. he’s never even attempted to look past the waitress before, and the only time he shows interest in other people it’s purely his libido talking. he doesn’t pursue romance, and the one time we’ve seen him do so he was using her to get to, who else?, the damn waitress. 

dee’s lived her entire life having to prove herself to every single person she interacts with, and its familiar to her to getting ahead by using men, usually as sexual objects. i’m hesitant to bring this up on a post wherein i speak on dee’s sexuality because i don’t want to link this trait to it in any way as if its related, but to be fair, dee is as much a serial rapist as dennis is in that regard. the gang are shitty people, we know that. she will get men drunk to have sex with them, or pressure them into it, or trick them into it. she’s not having sex with these men for pleasure, she’s literally doing it for power. it’s absolutely fucked up, but so is she.

when she Is romantically involved, she’s shown to leap headfirst into those relationships and blow them out of proportion on 0 grounds for it. she buys a promise ring for a guy who didn’t think they were dating, it’s implied she’s going to actually go ahead with the brad fisher marriage thing after the episode ends, she gloats about how important she is to a stripper who was literally shame-crying during sex (also? she says “we BOTH wept,” and she can say that’s because it was that good, but i really doubt it). i mean the woman GAGS when talking to men she’s “nervous” around, something she takes as meaning she’s attracted to them? lmao uh???

at this point i’ve probably repeated myself over and over, my brain is on backwards and my train of thought went off the rails years ago. but i’m still gunna retype an old set of tags i found:

i hc that neither of them end up together but they do go through a relationship-ish phase, but dee’s gay and charlie’s okay with that (and always ace in my mind) because they finally move on from their own irrational drives to adhere to what they think is expected of them. i dont think either of them have any idea what a relationship is meant to be and they pathetically grasp at each other because they’re kind-ish to one another and that feels safe for once. chardee may be my main ship but i purposefully backtrack on myself because i know they’re two people who barely know love and have found each other, both as underdogs in their environments, and feel an electrifying Something that they Cant Name wen theyre together, and that something just so happens to be friendship and they don’t realize it cuz they’re doofuses who’ve led really unfortunate lives where friendship and hatred are always intermingling.

i’ve never brought it up here, but i often imagine a timeline of their relationship, because i enjoy the idea of them figuring themselves out through each other, just because they are genuinely amazing (platonically) together, and they get into some of my favorite shit. the thought of late night talks and confessions about their worries and confusion about their feelings while lying in bed, just close because they feel comfortable that way, realizing they can keep loving each other and not force it to mean something it doesn’t, the relief that comes with that, a final kiss that really doesn’t mean anything but thank you, not losing what they had but rather gaining a whole new kind of intimacy, and still getting into absolutely ridiculous situations. maybe dee realizes shes, ironically, found herself with a crush on the waitress and it cracks charlie up. he doesnt mind. he’s finally learned that if he Is going to be with someone it should definitely be with someone who makes him feel at Least half as comfortable as the way being around dee does, and knowing he doesn’t have to make himself look for that, but when he knows he will know. plus, he cant imagine dee pulling that one off. but maybe one day she does. dees gentler around the edges, and she gets butterflies when talking to women, but she never gags. charlie’s a terrible wingman but he keeps convincing dee to let him try. she brings a girl home for the first time and charlie all but backflips in an empty pool that day. they’re still shithats but they’re learning to let that go. people can get better. AA would probably help.

iv gone too far goodbye

[go-un-fuck-yourself]

day 60 5/14

wow. that was. one of the best birthdays I've ever had. ive never been surprised. and i was surprised in every way possible. starting from the beginning. i was up at midnight and one of my friends said he had something to email me. it was my birthday video that he had been working on for a week. i had no idea. he's across the country but i talk to him constantly i really had not a single clue. there were so many people involved and all these connections and i couldn't believe how may parts and pieces had to come together and that it was keep so low. he said record yourself watching it its for someone else. i knew my mother had something to do with this. i lost it when people from home were involved and how extended it got and the people that chose to be part of it. AND HOW MANY PEOPLE. thing was 15 mins long. AND THE SURPRISE AT THE END. WOW. absolutely insane. i could tell he was so happy doing it and watching my reaction. it was so unexpected, exactly what i needed and i was so happy with it. then i wake up. feeling really good about my makeup. talked to my mom and was talking to another friend. thru around the idea of getting ice cream later and she helped me pick my outfit and lipstick and shoes. i was taking pictures and it was super nice weather. hair was cooperating and i was so happy i was patient with my makeup and as always turns out darker than i plan for but hey its me. haven't done that shit in a minute. it was odd tho. i had texted my roommate to tell her i was ready and i knew she was on her phone but i was in no rush. so were out doing pictures and she seemed a tad distracted but i mean i dont blame her it was something she knew had to happen. but she was like wait my moms texting me. like ok? usually it can wait but im not gonna be rude she's doing me a favor. so then we move to the tree and about 5 minutes in im fixing my hair and moving my head to kinda control it and i turn around and see his car. i was in complete shock. i couldn't believe it. like. what. something that i wanted to happen but didn't tell anyone is actually happening. and i kinda accepted that i probably wasn't going to see him until the day after which is still fine considering but the birthday queen i am ya know, i wanted to. HE CAME TO GET ME AND IT WAS PLANNED. HE WENT OUT OF HIS WAY. so now i look at my roommate like what is happening and what have you been keeping from me. next thing i know my other roommate is handing me my keys and wallet and says,”have a good day we’ll see you later.” him and our other friend are coming at me with a black blanket. it was 1130 in the morning. like WOW my day has been planned for me and i have no idea what to expect. i was worried i wasn't going to see anyone or hug anyone or have fun and just have it be blah. so im in the car with the blanket over my head. we were driving and they kept saying shit like turn here and follow signs for the airport, but also couldve been saying that to throw me. which they were. i had no idea where i was going but i had a feeling the only realistic option was taking me back to the house. and i was right. but first they needed to stall me so they took me to starbucks and one of my friends ended up being my barista and it made me so happy to see him. once we pulled up to the house i saw chairs out front so i knew what was coming i just didn't know when. wow. i can't believe all this. you did this for me. the boys did this for me. my friends did this for me. before i knew it there were cars coming down the street and i had no idea who was coming or how many people or anything. I knew exactly what was happening for the next few hours and i was so happy. people dedicated part of their day to make mine special. everyone respected reach others restrictions and how they chose to handle being around people. i hugged my best friend for a minute we didn't want to let go of each other and i havnt seen her in months i cried. i can't believe the other girl had been lying to me for weeks and we talk everyday about this and the video. and the out of state one that did the video. lying to me about the video and parade what the frick. i guess its easier to keep a secret when you dont see people that much. BUT THE BOYS AND THE PEOPLE I CONSTANTLY TALK TO. and people who saw my tweets about me being kinda sad about my birthday. it all makes sense now. everything. people sang happy birthday to me. like. wow. just. so much happened. and i knew nothing. people did this for me. they didn't have to. video and parade. i later had dinner with my roommates and when they went to bed i went to a friends place. it was nice to relax and have a little wine. surprised you went. but it made sense since you knew you weren't going to be cornered. but it was really fun im glad i went. it was my birthday i didn't want the party to stop. i cried a lot. but i needed it. i think a lot of it has been built up from the past 2 months and all things that have occurred. it felt good to cry. i didn't expect anything. you dont get disappointed that way. and it makes it that much more special when things come out of nowhere. im a planner. i always have things planned especially my birthday. if things were not like this, i would've had a topolinos res, went to HS, and the villains event. but this was something ill never forget. the entire day was out of my hands. i kinda had a feeling when i knew nothing was happening that i was going to want to recelebrate my birthday once things opened. nope. this made my heart whole. it gave me the spark and pixie dust that i needed. to get healthy again. to feel like myself again. to like myself again. to stay motivated. to not let this win. to let me have control again. im ready to be me again. im still shook. ive watched the video once. i need to watch it again. i need to write hand written letters to these people. people dont realize how much this means to me. i know i do it for people. but its different when its returned. im gonna think of more thoughts later. this one has taken me awhile and i wanted to do it without distractions. but may 14 2020 was a time. 

[redlemonz]

Day #16

We messaged each other a bunch last night. I know that it’s a new day, and technically it thus occurred upon day #15 - but the majority of all my current activity involves reflecting upon the past, whether it be distant or recent - so deal with it. She opened with asking me about how my trip was, and our general conversation about work and our daily life, including any upcoming plans and so on, flowed on from there. I probably blabbed on more than I should’ve, or that she cares about, which is just classic me. Nevertheless, I was more than content to have this opportunity to exchange words the way we did, and more significantly, to be able to listen to what’s actually happening in her work and life. Though the only potential over-analysis I’ll offer (because that’s what I do) regarding our conversation, is that the tone of it was refreshingly new. It felt as though two long lost friends were catching up over a cup of coffee (or rather tea in her circumstance), as our form seemed way more mature and grown up than I’m use to. Not in a bad way at all - it was just different. Part of me believes that it’s the new confounds of our ‘simply friendship’, and yet again wondering how she actually views me at this point - and whether I still mean anything more than a friend anymore, or if that’s been successfully abolished or nearly so, after 15 days. Because she sincerely means the world to me still, and none of those feelings are lost on me. I’ve just learned to try let go of my fake expectations that I create, and to slowly and steadily (okay, not so steadily considering the fluctuating level of insanity that occurs) come to terms with reality. Which is essentially listening to her, in a general manner - but just when it’s too late for us. It’s closer to curiosity and a passing thought at this point, to have that knowledge of where she’s at mentally and emotionally, because I do understand that it does unfortunately have to happen after all - for us to move on in our separate directions (as much as I don’t want to, but have to), but remain as we now are in this new chapter of our lives. Also, I’m not going to look into it further and punish myself accordingly - another step upwards, in the right direction. Because at the end of the day, we talked, and it felt really nice, to connect as we did. Even if it may be on a separate bridge.

Day 16 - my nachos + your guacamole = recipe for success

Back at my desk job which is the only aspect of my life that I can seemingly actually exceed at - or so I’m told anyway. Still trying to contain my daily anxiety, though it’s present in a lighter measurement. Getting quite sick of the usual traffic building up in this City, as it can take up to an hour to get back from, and even to work - like this morning. The only time that’s ever been worth waiting for is every occasion when I’d be driving to her place after work, even if I had the predetermined knowledge upon how long it would take. The end result was always worth waiting for, as the image of her was glued in my head. Just knowing I’ll be able to hold her in my arms, see her smile and kiss her would be worth any amount of obstacles in my life, let alone something as common as traffic. Especially when it was a Friday - which would commonly turn into a simple, yet nice date night involving dinner and a few drinks. Often enough though, it would come with the usual little and special adventures before hand - whether it be mountain or park walks, beach visits, a game of tennis, or even the time she introduced me to an indoor trampoline park. Goodness me, that was certainly a first for me - I’ve never been one to have any sort of co-ordination, but yet was always keen and in the spirit to try new things for myself, and especially so, with her. So it wouldn’t be surprising to find yet another diverse talent she possesses - as she bounced around like total madness, and to extreme heights, and even successfully landed all these variations of flips with what seemed like effortless ease. I, on the other hand, failed to do anything that could probably be even considered as basic, even though I attempted some beginner flips on the spot, and when diving for my life into that foam pit. Though it wasn’t much - my primary inspiration was to try and impress her on my first time there - though fairly certain that idea crashed and burned pretty hard. Nevertheless, it made me happy to discover another new experience with her - and even show her that I’m willing and always wanting to be a part of her broader life. All of her interests and attributes belonging within her life have constantly been significant to me, because it’s a part of her. The best part is that I’ve never felt forced or been convinced to do anything I didn’t ever want to. I’ve just never really had much of an opportunity arise or made much effort until her. So essentially It’d mostly be my lack of life experience in addition to laziness, which is a huge contrast to her, that would end up inspiring me to have these new experiences. And I loved each of them, and I love her. She inspired me to get off my ass from playing video games (and I don’t miss them whatsoever, after nearly 2 years now. I’ve spent probably spent countless years of real time of my life prior to this in the virtual world) and live in the beauty that the real world has to offer. It’s just another aspect in which she’s, without intent, helped me locate my sense of identity overall, and brought me happiness as I realise there’s a better me out there.

I’m not this completely and awesomely new & improved person that’s become an outdoor junkie - don’t get that misconstrued. I still spend a great deal of time with the usual indoor activities, and probably too much within general media. So it’s fair to say that she’s brought a renewed and much needed sense of balance to my life (much like having chocolate and carrot in the same meal - yup, referring to her), as opposed to me simply portraying that I’m living on the edge every day or something from what I could have misleadingly described - because as you can probably gather now, by day #16 - that’s certainly not the case. Although I am also currently hiding under a shell on purpose too, due to all the events that have incurred, so right now’s not necessarily the most accurate representation either. The point I’m trying to get to, but rambling on otherwise about (the usual big mouthed behaviour) is that when it’d be a rainy day or if neither of could really be bothered with an activity as aforementioned, then it would be just as spectacular alternatively, to simply relax at home, lie down on the bed, or lay on a couch and watch movies or a crappy Japanese version of Big Brother (don’t ask) whilst scoffing down some unhealthy treats. Cuddling up under a blanket together to watch some quality, comic book related movies (although her view may differ) - she did that for me. Just another example of her making an effort for me, even if it did take some convincing, to be a part of my world even though it was not her forte whatsoever. Speaking of effort - a shout out to the absolutely cutest moment (though there is many in reality) in which we had a sushi evening, and she even set up our little dinner table with little glasses of sake. Damn, she can make hella sushi (and I once again attempted and failed to action basic tasks such as rolling up seaweed). It was one of the most adorable, impromptu and spontaneous last minute dinner dates that had incurred, and I felt like the luckiest guy in the world to be treated to it - even more so when I got to pack some of the leftovers for my work lunch the next day. Since we’re on the topic of her culinary genius, a quick mention is to be handed to her wonderfully crafted shortbread cookies.. because I’m craving some right now. But let’s not forget the main event, which is her guacamole. Its completely to die for also, and receives my 10/10 if it was served to me as a contestant on My kitchen rules. Let’s face it - It’s probably the real reason I’ve literally been going crazy over her (on top of being crazy for her), and do the stupid regrettable shit I do to try win her back, and ultimately fail to let go of her. Her guacamole. I need that in my life. My nachos are just.. nothing without her guacamole (and spring onion). Her ingredients just mix well with mine, to create a dish that’s pretty impeccable. I mean we did after all kayak for a couple hours to a township during New Years, in order to attain the required ingredients for this very dish - and I did subsequently almost drown in the ocean, when capsizing my vessel on our way back. What - did you assume I meant that her guacamole was figuratively dying for? Think again. Damn, I feel as though this may have gotten dramatically escalated a fair bit more than intended.. but nevertheless, I just miss it all. Just like those cooking methods (not the best example necessarily, but for the sake of being a transitioning king) even though we each have incredibly differing personalities, that which a logical perception might conclude us to be a weird or unusual pair when put together, I believe that we do mix together quite delightfully to create something incredibly beautiful. Upon reflection of my words - it actually reminds me of why one of my favourite quotes, is one of my favourite quotes: “We’re all a little weird. And life is a little weird. And when we find someone who’s weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall into mutually satisfying weirdness - and call it love - true love”. Yup - cheesy again, I know. But I don’t care - we’ve been discussing food after all so technically I’ve remained on topic.

The third evening of indoor football without her. I note that I’ve potentially referred to it as 'futsal’ at an earlier stage, as an homage to her constantly utilising that word. In case I didn’t, I am now, and it’s probably because I imagined that I’ve written it at some point - but I may have just had it traveling around somewhere in my scrambled head of thoughts. Regardless, she’s otherwise educated me last night upon the fact that it’s technically a whole different sport to football, with its own set of rules. Another moment of dumb founded dumbness on my part - I can tend to attempt to be smarter than I am, as most people with a crush or interest in someone else would, in the hopes of attracting her. Even bought myself some fashionably thick-rimmed hipster glasses for the physical upgrade (which also assist in slightly increasing my physical self confidence). So it’s pretty ironic that I usually end up being an even bigger idiot than my normal self, instead of achieving the former. This one I’ll blame partly on love - as surely if it makes my heart skip a beat when I’m with her, it has the ability to affect my brain in a similar manner? ..And there we have another prime example of my stupidity being displayed first hand. Also, she’s just a natural intellect who’s intelligence is one of the many reasons that my heart belongs to her. Further to that, it’s also debatable that she actually suits my previously mentioned glasses much better than I do. Damn her and her gorgeous beauty. I can’t win either way.. which is why I lost. But we were victorious tonight in our indoor game, one up from the opposition - and I actually carried the title of goal scorer which was quite nice (though I still missed various other chances at goal, but hey, still a positive result right?). Great times indeed, as I caught up with the remaining two thirds of the pack afterwards for a bit too. One of them was having a common identity crisis, not knowing how she fits into people’s lives and being grasped with her own sense of insecurities. Though I’ve tried contributing towards resolving those insecurities over the years, I knew there would be no actual positive feedback taken from my words.. but maybe a personality quiz might do the trick for now! So we all just chilled in my car and went through the same variety of questions that deemed me to be the protagonist, and it was an enjoyable experience nonetheless - especially as our walls broke down together, and pure and utter honesty arose in answering each question. As you would have it, I successfully guessed each of their personality types correctly from the gecko, before the questionnaire began, as I did with her many months ago. So the remainder of my pack consists of the entertainer, the architect, and her - the mediator. Not surprising at all, as the detailed descriptions were rather accurate (as much as can be). Once again we missed the mediator’s presence, as our pack felt her absent energy. Though she’s a literal architect, I knew she was way too sincere and faithful in other human beings, and had more emotion than she necessarily may lead on at times. She’s always looking for the best in people - hence a certain comment within our conversation many days ago, in which she stated she’s “deaf” when it comes to letting her mind be manipulated or judgemental, especially against others. Additionally, the other obvious aspects of a mediator make her shine too - aside from just being an open minded individual, she tends to have an optimistic outlook upon life for the most part, energetic in the way she lives that very life, and creative & diverse in the ways she does it. Though words and descriptions can’t do her justice, you’ll have to just take my humble word for it - she’s the best. And she’s certainly been the mediator of my troubled mind.

[andy-matthew-blog]

A Post (Horror Story)

I haven't slept in 2 days, I know it might not seem like much compared to other people but I'm not used to this. The thing that's been keeping me up is my addiction to scary stories.  At first I was absolutely terrified of them because I'm not a very brave person. As a kid I would avoid Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark like the plague. As I started to get older I got more interested in trying new things out and I was already sort of into the paranormal and creepy stuff, so when I found a whole subreddit dedicated to creepy stories and the creepypasta wiki I just had to read more. The fear hasn't left me though. I have become a much more paranoid person than I was before. As I sit here on my large bed in this small room, I wonder what horrors lurk in every dark corner. Questions I asked myself as a child resurface. Is there something underneath my bed? In my closet?  Maybe right outside my door? Or even my window? It's driving me insane!!! The usual creaks and moans of the house feel louder and more sinister. It feels like something’s watching me, waiting for me to fall asleep just so it can grab hold of me and do unspeakable things. The lack of sleep and my vivid imagination haven't helped either. I feel like someone is right outside my window, I see dark shadowy figures passing me by for a split second, and I think I hear voices outside my door. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't alone. My parents had left on a trip to visit some family members and left me here with my older sister, but she decided to go sleep over at her friend’s house two days ago and she hasn't been back since. I keep my door locked and only leave to go to the bathroom or to get food. Being scared of some stories isn't the only thing keeping me awake. I actually BELIEVE that if I go to sleep I'll be visited by any number of horrible monsters from these terrible tales. A few of my hallucinations have involved these disgusting things and I don't want to give them the chance to hurt me. I have a knife right next to my bed on my dresser. I've been drinking coffee to stay up even though I hate it. I don't know if I can take this any longer. I don’t know if I should just try to fall asleep. I’m too afraid to, but that’s ridiculous right?

Update 1: I made the worst mistake of my whole damn life. I tried to sleep. I’ve been reading some sleep paralysis stories and low and behold I managed to experience it myself. I saw awful, awful things. The first thing I saw was my door slowly opening, these long sharp nails wrapping around the door. It slowly slid to the side of my bed. It was a giant black mass. Its face was ash white and it had dark circles around its eyes. Its face was unnaturally large and it had a nose that was so long and pointy that it almost touched my face. It just stood there. Looking down at me, but not at me. It was almost as if it was looking past me. That was bad enough but I began to hear voices. It felt like the voices were completely surrounding me. Soft whispers intermixed with deep dark voices. I wanted to move so badly to stop it all but I couldn’t. All I could do was look around. My breathing became heavy. It was more difficult to breathe. I looked at my chest and found a small creature. I couldn’t tell what it was. Its flesh was sagging and wrinkled. I was just hoping the hallucination would end soon when the small creature started ripping my stomach apart. The room filled with my screams of pain. I thought I was going to die, but I managed to wiggle my finger and escape the paralysis. I refuse to sleep after that. I just want to die. I want to die and never experience that again. Maybe I will…

Update 2: So as you can tell I haven't killed myself though I did try. I passed out due to the shock and woke up on the floor next to my blood stained sheets. Guess I fell off my bed. I quickly went to the laundry room and washed my sheets just in case my sister or anybody else came. The odd thing about all this though is that I woke up with a few more cuts then I remember giving myself..... It might just be my paranoia, but I swear I didn't slash myself up this much. I have the few cuts that I gave myself on my wrists, but I also have a few on the lower part of my thighs, my shoulders, and on my belly. If that wasn’t bad enough, the feeling that I’m being watched has intensified. I thought at least passing out and resting would help with my paranoia, but it's worse than before. Things in my house feel out of place. Some of the pictures that were hung on the hall are lying on the ground around the shattered glass of the frames as if someone had just picked them up and threw them. I know I had all the doors and windows locked including my own bedroom door, so I have no clue how someone could have gotten in and done this. I'm beginning to wonder if I might have done this, but an even more ridiculous thought is occurring to me right now. What if it was something far more sinister and evil? What if it was the something lying in the shadows waiting for me to go to sleep so it could cut me and throw the pictures to make me more afraid? I freaked myself out even more by thinking these things. I locked myself in my room and haven't left since. I'm starting to get really hungry though and I really have to use the bathroom. It's been really hot for a while now and my room has an unbearable rancid smell. I know it's gross, but I don't want to open my windows just in case someone or something is waiting out there for me. The only thing that I'm actually glad about is that it's day time, but the darkness of the night will come all too soon and then I'll be vulnerable.

Update 3: I saw it. I don’t know what it was, but I saw something in my house. I went out to get food and use the bathroom. I thought everything was finally alright. I was wrong. There it was waiting in the living room. It just stared at me. I ran into my room. I thought it would only come out at night. I thought if anything was really there it would wait till it was dark. I was wrong.

Update 4:  My lamp has started flickering, I think I forgot to replace the lightbulb....FUCK.....I really don't want to be in the dark all by myself, I mean I know I have this laptop, but that's not enough to keep me safe. I have to get out of here. Where will I go? I have no fuckin clue...Nowhere is safe. Something is watching me. It's always there. It will never leave me. It wants me dead. I'm scared. So so so so so goddamn scared. Fuckin christ help me please.

Update 5: I need to go outside. I don’t think there really is anywhere safe. Not even in here. I’m hungry again. It’s been hours and I need to go out. I’ll let you guys know if anything happens.

Update 6: I......I....I don't know what to say. I guess I'll just start with what happened. I couldn't take it anymore so I left my room. I went downstairs and well I...I found my sister. We have a closet in the downstairs hall. I found her there. She was hanging from the coat rack, blood dripping. It was so horrible. Someone had disemboweled her. Her stomach was cut open and most of her organs were gone. I could see her fuckin empty rib cage and her cold lifeless face. Her face had an expression of sheer terror and fear. I could see snott, dry tears, and blood all over her face. There was piss and shit on the floor under her. It smelled so awful I fuckin puked bile all over the floor. I was ready to call the police, but when I went into my room my phone was missing. I am so fuckin stupid. I didn't think to bring my phone with me. FUCK!!! I couldn't even cry over my sister’s death. It was so awful I couldn't register what happened. It just doesn't feel real to me. I know whatever has been watching me is still in the house, waiting.

Update 7: It was him.

[lettersfromleslie]

SNOWED IN ONCE AGAIN / HAIL TO THE CHEETO / SQUARING OFF WITH THE CRO-MAGNONS? / I SURE HOPE NAZIS FEAR COLLAGES

Good God, where to begin? What a laugh - what was I saying again over the summer? …Oh, hum, yes, ominous ripples in the zeitgeist, eh? Well boyo, those ripples ain’t gonna cut it no more for a metaphor - I’d say by now it’s something of a typhoon… Christ, I doubt if bigger water metaphors are even gonna cut it at a time like this… More like a banshee wail of the collective psyche, eh? And there are no signs of it letting up anytime soon. Jesus, strange times! Clearly some sort of reassessment is necessary - reassess what, dammit?!

“COME AFTER ME, YOU FASCIST LOOFAH-FACED SHIT-GIBBON!” tweets the state senator, tagging the president. Is this real life, or are we living in a Hunter S. Thompson story? The initial unreal feeling has been shifting to a feeling of a sustained bad dream - in which even the manic gasps of people reminding one another that nothing is normal become a part of the daily routine. It’s creepy as hell. Life chugs on, of course, for better or for worse, and superficially little changes for those as of yet unaffected. As for myself, I’ve been protesting, hysterically following the news, but the day-to-day is largely unchanged… The only outward difference you’d notice about me, passing by in the subway, is a little sign saying “TODAY: 10% of earnings donated to the ACLU!” I’ve had that one up for a week now and I’ll be wiring over the balance every couple weeks… Hell, but how much good does that really do the psyche? More abstractions… And look at me now, I’m talking like the years have laid dust over this shit, it’s been what - Three weeks! Mother of God! Has it only been three weeks?!

And another thing, goddamnit! I forgot how cold this fucking place of mine gets in the winter! Return of the goddam igloo! I thought I was through with this crap! Right now it’s late at night and there’s a last gasp of a blizzard on, my windows are filled with snow and frost, icicles drip, drip, the gale goes whomp, whomp, on the thin glass, rattling the panes. A few seconds after every whomp I can feel the cool air emanating across the room from the surface of the glass and the cracks around it. I’ve got me a bottle of red wine wine to keep me warm and keep me company - quiet times like these get precious when you’re feeling so goddam unbalanced about things.

I didn’t start writing this just to bitch about politics, mind, but it tends to sorta froth out once you start opening up… Hell, might as well say it, I don’t feel fuckin good this winter! Not one bloody bit. That “bloody” was a forced concession. I’ve started swearing like an American, have you noticed? Can’t help it, Americans seem to swear more... vigorously somehow. So yeah. You goddam swine. I mean, of course winter’s always a bummer… but man, both generally and personally the year thus far has been downright sinister - aside from the fascist apocalypse there’s been a severe lack of funds, depressing dead-end romances, an unusually desperate homeless situation at my favourite busking spot… And then throw in the further complication of a wild attempted escape to New Orleans that went pretty much to hell… I couldn’t afford it, for one, but sometimes you gotta - so I scraped the bottom of the barrel and said my prayers and bought the ticket. First impressions: hallelujah! Not a bad word to say about the place, as far as I can make out Nola is as good a city as they come. Never been anywhere so instantly lovable. In fact I found myself falling head over heels pretty much the minute I arrived, although even now I’m not sure if I was falling for the city - its humid, mossy, cracked wonkiness, its big brown river with the weird foreign-named boats and rotting industrial swampage, the public drinking, bums and tubas and tambourines, etc - or whether I was falling for the girl who’d invited me.

I mean, both, I suppose, but it didn’t work out too well with the girl - stillborn lil romance, that one turned out to be. She went off one morning on a boat! Sailed off at the crack of dawn. Suppose there’s a bit more to it than that, but that’s what I tell people and it ain’t a lie. Oh well. I give her points for style. Let’s be real, I used to be the same way when I was on the road. Anyway, as a result I wound up arriving back in New York unexpectedly alone, stony broke, on the very day the goddam fascist shit-gibbon - I mean, these people know how to swear, man - on the very day the shitgibbon in chief got inaugurated. So with that delightful ambience surrounding me, I had about ten days to raise a thousand bucks busking in the subway, or I’d be badly in the hole… And just to make absolutely sure I drove myself completely bonkers along the way I also set myself the task of giving all the mixes for Sunny Kindsa Lies a facelift. And for good measure I spent the nights flinging a total of about thirty thousand or so words of sentimental drivel at the old diary. Whenever I’d have time during the days I’d join the good people in protesting the escalating drama of mr. Cheeto Benito. What a life!

Ten days of that and I was able to enter February a perfect model of miserable discipline. Rent paid, work done, deeply stressed-out and entirely wracked with nerves. Recovered from my holiday, in other words… Ha. We’re a week into February now and the only thing that’s changed is I haven’t been working so goddam hard and to tell the truth I don’t feel a hell of a lot better as a result. Snap out of it, boyo! 

I know what the thing to do is, and that’s to write it all out and make things that are Good and Real and True and all that jazz. I mean, I’m trying, to an extent, but to my intense irritation all that seems to come out is the usual self-involved melancholia, which is just about the last thing I want to give into right now. How do you write a protest song, exactly? Anyone? It doesn’t seem to be just me - I’ve yet to see any good protest music come out of this thing just yet. (I hate Father John Misty, so don’t come at me with that rubbish.)

Then again, all this protesting… As much as the voice in my head hisses “privilege!”, I suppose there is - or at least I have - the option of reading things at a more cosmic scale. I’m not really American, after all… I don’t have to deal with this shit, necessarily. Take Henry Miller. World War II breaking out didn’t have at all the usual effect on him… In his words,

”The thought of war drives people frantic, makes them quite cuckoo, even when they are intelligent and far-seeing … And it has another bad effect - it makes young people feel guilty and conscience-stricken. In Corfu I had been studying the antics of a superbly healthy young Englishman, a lad of twenty or so, who had intended to be a Greek scholar. Now he was running around like a chicken with its head off begging to have someone put him in the frontline to blow him to smithereens…”

Who knows, maybe the kid did get blown to smithereens. A bunch of healthy young Englishmen did, and fuck knows I’m grateful - who knows what the hell kind of lives we’d be leading right now if they hadn’t. But Miller just took one look at it all and decided the world had gone fucking bananas... An extremely sordid bout of temporary insanity… An embarrassment, in short. Clearly he didn’t want to be killed; he didn’t want to kill anyone; better hole up somewhere in Greece a while till it all blew over a bit. I’m sure he got bawled out for it plenty, the usual charges, “coward,” “hypocrite,” “traitor”… But if you read his books it’s perfectly obvious that he never really considered himself to have any allegiance to his country anyway, or even his epoch - or any epoch, for that matter. I reckon he’d consider himself to have as much of an allegiance to America as he had an allegiance to the Babylonians, or the Romans, or the Cro-Magnons. There’s something to that, although I can’t square it, myself… I mean, I don’t think that’s me, I reckon I do have that headless-chicken empathy and tribal solidarity that we all value in a good healthy young citizen… But all the same, part of me feels Miller’s way is the right way. Once you take the cosmic view it does all get a bit daft. None of that would make for much of a protest song, though. You don’t write songs for those who have the luxury to leave when the flames get too hot. You write songs for the burning.

I was reading that book when I was in Greece, by the by, while I was writing you about those ominous ripples. The Colossus of Maroussi. Fantastic book - Miller’s best, in my opinion, or at any case his best-realised. Oh, God, I don’t know. I’ll be here, in New York I mean… I know I will, selling my booklets of collages and lyrics, singing my songs, scrambling at the rungs of that greasy ol ladder. What else is there? And spring’ll be soon and that’ll be a whole other thing. Etc, etc, etc.