#i used to record strangely long videos on skype for??? some reason???

[misiahasahardname]

"the secret to good hair? put lead in it. the poisonous lead, not the lead in your pencil."

- me in 2018, channeling my inner tudor

[kirliancamera1]

Rede Vamp Brazil (https://redevampirica.com) interviews Elena Alice Fossi of Kirlian Camera (English text attached hereunder) 🔥🔥🔥

Question 1: Be very welcome to AcessoRedeVamp, it's a true honor to realize this interview with you Elena Alice! You are a great singer and more every time we see you on stage your performance transmits great emotion and this electrifies all of us! You tell a real story with your performance and this is amazing and rare these days! At the same time, we perceive an expressive revolt against an old world and its stagnant postures. How have you handled 2020?

*** EAF – First of all, I wanna thank you for your words. Being able to communicate with the people who follow us is the most important thing to me. Singing becomes ephemeral if doesn't convey a message. Also for this reason I consider that the stage is the base of a musician, so you can imagine how I miss it. In this sense, it can be said that the category we belong to is very unlucky, not only because it's forced not to work, but rather 'cause concerts are pure lifeblood for a musician's soul. In any case, both Angelo and I can't stand self-pity people, so we immediately jumped into new musical projects, putting top concentration on composition. At any rate, we couldn't be simple observers of an event on this scale, so right from the beginning we tried to dig deep, looking for, and comparing news, data, statistics, whether they came from mainstream channels or from alternative sources. In Italy, for example, the economy has been torn to pieces and furthermore, the same politicians who mourn the dead on TV... cut so many funds for health facilities for a long time, so they may be considered taking part in such a mess. This situation has created a real drama, especially for families who have lost their loved ones without even having a chance to say goodbye one last time. But, it's also true that the worldwide exploitation of this pandemic has given us, we citizens, an opportunity to wake up. No need to use words such as anarchy or rebellion to understand that the old world is showing all kinds of holes. "Divide et impera" is the motto of several governments, so we citizens must not fall into the trap of making war on each other, each nonsense comes up! This is the time to show ourselves united. And, most of all, it’s time not to turn ourselves into servile dogs of a “Power” becoming more and more antidemocratic.

Question 2: Do you feel that the marks left by the year 2020 will bring some effective changes to this "abstraction" called humanity? Will there be a "new normal" or will we just return to an average 2019 when this whole pandemic passes?

*** EAF - If I’d been told about what we have experienced for almost one year, I’d have thought it was a joke, bullshit. But unluckily this is not the case. Such an event has brought much grief and is ruining the economic system of many nations, as already said. But in addition to the injury, here it comes the insult from the absurd and chaotic dictates imposed on us. I'll give you some examples of what's happening here in Italy. “Don't go out after 10 pm”. While people keep on getting sick or even dying, here comes the policeman with a ticket 'cause you left home for a goddam moment. I have this picture on my mind, of a person in pajamas, carrying the garbage bag full of stinking mussel shells at less than one hundred meters from home in a totally deserted night. At that point a flash on him. It’s the police who writes a ticket to that dangerous criminal. And then, for everyone's sake, the Christmas mass was moved from the usual midnight to 8 pm. How the hell can you think it's not a mockery? And... the last “gag”! Before Christmas, our Minister of technological innovation made an appeal to telephone companies so that video calls were free on Christmas days... But what year does she live in? But... is she not able to understand that in Italy almost everyone has either unlimited gigas or wifi? Nothing changes if the telephone companies for a couple of days give us video calls because we already use free services such as Whatsapp, Skype, Zoom, Telegram, and so on and so forth... Ok, in a vain attempt to avoid death, they are putting us in an induced coma! Seriously, all this offends our intelligence! And, when you realize you are inside a joke, you don't like to discover you're the main character, do you?! So, to answer your question, I couldn't foresee how a post-covid society will be reshaped, but the severe weakening that now is burdening us will have some major impact, no doubt. Currently, most folks are obsessed with fear, so are unable to reflect on the consequences of unconstitutional actions such as those foolishly propagated by many States. Furthermore, the pharma companies, the giants of the online shopping industry and many other powerful satanic puppet masters who are used to appear as philanthropists are ready to get their hands on everything, well pleased with the next “big reset”. So, after the pandemic, things will change a lot! For sure, from a human point of view, the feelings will be devitalized.

Question 3: Hologram Moon is a great name! Evokes conspirations like what really is the moon and this strangeness opens a vast creative field to find answers or even new questions... please tell us a bit more about this album, his name, songs...

*** EAF - "Fake is your face" is one of the phrases that most resonate in me when I sing "Holograms", or when in “Lost Islands” the old world said “Goodbye”! It's as if you had to face a new reset, as if you discovered everything you've always believed is swept away in an instant. There's the awareness that in the face of a new and suffocating truth, when the sky collapses, only true love can resist and guide you. In this sense, the final track of the album, “Travellers’ Testament” is a real stone on my heart, as it describes a fantastic journey to a planet. The astronaut is now impatient to fulfill his dream, but he will never arrive on that planet. The landing will take place on a space station. The moon landing's been questioned over and over again and certain evidence of the fact's inconsistency eventually seems credible. But we cannot say what reality is in any scientific way, especially when we're already prepared to believe a reassuring source. This is a simple starting point to embark on our history. More than finding answers, our sacred duty is to open the door to new questions, ask doubts, not take anything for granted. “Hologram Moon” is a purely poetic vision, but also a way to question everything. The mind can atrophy very easily. Habit, for example, can be complicit in this and the so-called comfort zone can be just complicit as well. The hypnosis that we suffer every day without realizing it, also grinding so many and bad TV shows, and so on... So, let's remain thinking and dreaming! This is a message from us.

Question 4: How was the experience of working with Covenant's Eskil Simonsson on the beautiful "Sky Collapse"?

*** EAF - We had come across Covenant several times before doing this collaboration; on festival occasions, in the dressing rooms... But it was a chaotic situation, so... we gave each other a fleeting smile, a kind greeting, but nothing more. Then, when Angelo and I wrote “Sky Collapse”, we immediately thought that a deep and sincere voice like Eskil's would add something precious to the song. Even before recording the two-voice song, we met at a charity festival. We had called him as a guest just to sing this song together, which was yet unreleased. He made himself available immediately. It was a nice gift for us and when the moment came, I think that on stage you could feel my strong emotion all the way down the hall!

Question 5: Well, I think now we will have our fan moment! Let's talk about some Kirlian Camera songs that our DJs and the audience of the REDE VAMP love it? Do I speak the name and may you tell a little about the meanings, influences, or a curious story?

*** EAF ***

>>> NIGHTGLORY. It refers to the triumph of the night, perhaps as a momentary spiritual retreat. I'm talking about that precious moment that regenerates your very existence into yourself. The music of this song was born in a symphonic form, very different from how Nightglory was then arranged. This is a song and an album that has been appreciated by many people only after some time, partly because of a promotion that described the album as the most commercial in our history, which is absolutely harmful and misleading. Invisible Front and Eclipse were even more listenable, for example... Sometimes words spoil your work. It would be better to listen to music only, ignoring its promotional presentation. Fortunately, Nightglory has recovered over time till becoming one of the most requested live songs of ours.

>>> BLACK AUGUST. In this song there are various hints coming out from a dark moment in my life, I mean a period that risked devouring me. Wounds that take time to heal. Sky Collapse can be considered the final act of that period, even if the music of the two songs sounds very different, as you know. Black August blends various stylistic dimensions in a single “body of music”, so many didn't know how to label it at the time, as it effectively goes running free, out of the box. A very atypical song that has gained some actual success despite its distinction, which has also brought us closer to fans of dark metal and so-called electronica.

>>> HELLFIRE. I chose this piece to add an echo to the dark period I was talking about above, in order to exorcise all that negativity, so we went to deal with a theme showing gospel traits but containing some demonic references in the lyrics. Then I didn't know THE 8th PRESIDENT was waiting for us at the SCARLET GATE OF TOXIC DAYBREAK, with his COLD PILLS! A wordplay whoever is following us will understand!

>>> K-PAX. I wrote this piece in a night when everything seemed dreamy and I almost didn't realize where I was anymore. No, I wasn't under the influence of drugs or alcohol, but all my memories were mixing in tremendous chaos that needed to reinvent itself and turn into an immaterial fog, in a light but lost dream. Angelo literally translated the music and melodies I had written on the staff, giving both them and my voice the perfect terms to guide the journey. In fact, it's not a complete and static text, but a sequence of dreamy and painful phrases at the same time. I felt that Angelo listened to me attentively since he knew how to translate my notes so perfectly into written sentences as if he were sending me back into my music. It was magical and at K-Pax Angelo and I discovered the other life of ourselves, bringing to light so many breathtaking emotions and it was just the departure, after the suffocating mists of Still Air, an album we love, and the crepuscular decadence of Stalingrad Valkyrie.

Question 6: There is a cover of Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd from Kirlian Camera that is a true work of art. The Mad World cover performed by Spectra Paris is fascinating. Are there more covers from other bands that you would like to record?

*** EAF - Well yes, there are ideas, but we prefer to evaluate which are the best. Meanwhile, I tried to produce a version of a Johnny Cash song and I made Angelo interpret it: I really like the result. It may be used by Stalingrad Valkyrie.

Question 7: I love your lyrics! What can't Elena be missing when creating new lyrics or musical arrangements? Are there any poetry, films, books, comic books, or other influences?

*** EAF - Mostly everything happens unconsciously. You don't know how many times I realize why I wrote a certain phrase only after a song was released! But I can say that my imagination works mostly by processing images. So, the movies are very helpful in this. Similarly, Angelo and I tap into imagery that could be part of the quantum physics new era, where multiverse and multidimensionality are both playing an important role. This world appears like a really tiny thing when compared to everything else.

Question 8: Elena, I read in an older interview about a "Young Ladies Homicide Club" I found an undeniable reference to the films Noir and the figure of the characters called "Vamp" and all the charm and spectral magnetism ... but I was a little curious. .. what is this "Young Ladies Homicide Club"?

*** EAF - Let's say I imagined an unreal club created by apparently dead or so to say "disappeared" models in order to get rid of fashion people who were acting a bit too naughty! The work to clean up that world wouldn't be lacking, as, after all, it happens in all professional areas. As for myself goes, I gladly opted in a flash and without second thoughts for singing and making music, leaving everything behind, buying a couple of synths and a decent microphone, which I then enriched with various electronic devilry, kicking away possible easy money, foolish nights, cocaine, heroin, stereotyped relationships, and absurdly worshipped wines! Every so often I like to play with the ridiculous and grotesque ghosts of some fashion designers, photographers, and evil spirits, then going to recreate noir stories in which everything happens. I also drew some digital comics with a noir-glam flavor, a few years ago... It was a fun pastime, while with Kirlian Camera I'd been exploring deeper and more fundamental universes.

Question 9: Is there more news on the way for the incredible Spectra Paris and also for Stalingrad Valkyrie? May you talk a bit more about them?

*** EAF - Stalingrad Valkyrie is a project I am very fond of, in a special way. So I insisted on getting it back to life after a period of hibernation which lasted too much in my opinion. "Martyrium Europae", the most recent album, proved me right, even if it’s not a commercial project. Well, it seems our listeners have appreciated the attempt to combine different musical sources in a unique style, certainly linked to the more symphonic and dramatic Kirlian Camera pages, but also quite free to express itself on his own, trying to avoid the most standard patterns of neofolk, progressive and industrial, without on the other hand completely ignoring their now distant origins. So, in its small way, the new album turned out to be a success and I'd really like this project to keep on living with further fresh ideas. We're currently working on a new chapter that will be released on vinyl and some digitals, which contains previously unreleased songs and versions.

Question 10: Elena, our Rede Vamp is a platform about Cultural Vamp and Vampires production ... and there is a question that our interviewees never escape. Is there a character or perhaps a vampire story that you never forgot?

*** EAF - Needless to say the vampire who most impressed me over time can't be anyone other than... Angelo Bergamini!!! Not many know that Angelo was the leading actor in a short film entitled "Himre Bakai", shot in the late nineties or so, directed by Antonio Bocchi, the later owner of the dark-electronic project Lux Anodyca and author of detective books. I don't think the film is regularly available or downloadable at the moment, but I know it was also screened at the time in various festivals and reviews, also getting some good feedback! Angelo (Himre) and Antonio told me that one day the film "will see the light ”, but at the moment... he lies in the dark, by the book, of course!!!

Question 11: Elena, thank you so much for your time and generosity! You and Kirlian Camera have many fans on our events and radio shows, please leave a special message for our audience! Are there plans for a new gig in Brazil after all this pandemic?

*** EAF - While it's true that we've never been able to play in Brazil so far, I'm sure your Land is actually right for us, 'cause I can feel that's full of feeling and passion, so we'd love to perform for you very much, 'cause in spite of the fact it's so far away, I feel a deep affinity and a certain familiarity with your world. And while we wait, confident that sooner or later we'll succeed in our aim, I wanna greet all those who had the kindness to listen to me, with a quote from the American scientist and politician Benjamin Franklin: "Those who would give up essential Liberty, to purchase a little temporary Safety, deserve neither Liberty nor Safety."

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #297

“crushed, damned, and broken; lost, sick, and left unspoken.”

When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? Not since high school when I made an anatomically correct heart. Do you like art, hate it or just not mind it? I adore it. Is crime a big problem in your area? Oh yes. What's the scariest story/urban legend/creepypasta etc you heard? Maaaan, as a cryptic fanatic, that's hard. Maybe the Rake. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? We're some resilient motherfuckers. What is your favorite soda? Well, it's technically strawberry Sunkist, but I do NOT let myself have it because I will fucking chug it and binge on them if available to me. So, I just consider Mountain Dew Voltage my fave. When you're on the beach, do you throw beached sea creatures back? I've never even seen a beached animal. I would, though. Have you ever thrown food at someone? Yeah, small food fights as a kid or joking with a friend. Have you ever been to a bonfire? Yeah. Do you like orangutans? I love them; such fascinating, enchanting animals that act more human than people half the time. When you see a bug flipped on his back, what do you do? It depends on what it is, but I usually try to help it. Is cereal good? Yeah, I love cereal. Do you like spaghetti? Love it. It was my favorite food as a kid. Is there any kind of weapon in your bedroom? No. Do you like snow globes? I love 'em! Be honest, did Fifty Shades of Grey arouse you in any way? I didn't read it and never will. What does your sibling(s) call you? "Britt" or "(little/big) sister." Do you have any close friends that are the opposite sex that your significant other dislikes? N/A Do you honestly believe everything happens for a reason? Why or why not? Nope, because I want you to explain to me why a child dies of cancer. Why the 11-year-old was raped and forced to bear the child. Why a partner is beaten to death by their s/o, etc. etc. Things just... happen. Do you believe in reincarnation? Why or why not? No, mostly; I DO kinda wonder about it, I just find it unlikely. It would be kinda poetic, though: being given the chance to experience so many unique things. But, I kinda want a conclusion to my mortal life. The Hunger Games or The Maze Runner? I read the first HG and loved it; I started the latter novel while I was in the psych hospital for a while, but I never finished it or got that far in. It did sound pretty good, though. Has anyone you’ve known claimed to be psychic? Well, they believe(d) in tarot readings; does that count? Idk. Did/do you believe them? I wouldn't. Is anything annoying you right now? "Annoyed" is a fucking understatement when it comes to what transpired at the capitol a few days back. Have you ever been ice-skating? No. Does the sound of rain at night help you sleep? It can, depending on how heavy it is. Have you ever seen an albino person, in person? Albino, no, but I knew a guy and his sister in high school who had vitiligo. Have you ever worn a pair of scrubs? Yeah, at the ER and hospital. Have you ever walked into a massive cobweb? I don't believe so. What would you say is your strongest felt emotion right now? Rage. I'm not over "the event." I'm just tired of humanity. Are you talking to anyone at the moment? No. Do you have trust issues? Oh yes. Have you ever found an arrow head? No. Who is with you? My mom's home. What can you not stop thinking about? *points upwards* Then there's Jason because PTSD, that's very normal. Do you forgive easily? I forgive very easily, honestly. In what part of your life so far, have you learned the most about yourself? 2017, when recovery began. I think... or maybe 2018, idk. I've truly come to discover myself quite a lot the past few years. Have you ever been in a fist fight? No. Are your ears pierced? Yeah: my earlobes twice, and then my right tragus has a stud. I want to get my others back... I had to take them all out in the psych hospital, and a lot of my piercings closed up. The only one I don't wanna re-do is my anti-tragus, because mine was *always* inflammed and aggravated. What did you last say out loud? "Okay" to Mom. What are you waiting on? Right now, an opportunity to go to the parlor I'm getting my tat tidied up at to get a price range on it. They just need to be open while we're out of the house. Do you tell people when they get on your nerves? Not really. Are your feelings hurt easily? Yep. What's the most expensive piece of clothing you have? Did you buy it yourself? I dunno... I very rarely get new clothes, nevermind expensive ones. Who is your closest platonic friend of the opposite sex? His nickname is Girt. He's been my best male friend since high school; we even hang out sometimes, but it's been a long while. How do you think your first relationship shaped who you are as a partner now? As a partner, it taught me to not fall head over heels and love more realistically and in a healthy fashion. I don't put my faith solely into them, but myself, too. I also accept "forever" is not always true just because they promise it. Who is your favorite protagonist of the same sex? Oh god, this is hard. I suppose maybe Tyrande Whisperwind from WoW. I love her dedication to her people and that her story has become more interesting in her finally "breaking." I could list so, so many "faves," tbh. Were you popular in high school? What was your reputation like? No; I was just the average teen. Have you always known your sexual orientation or did something happen to make you realize it? Somethings happened. There were a lot of hints building up before I even began to consider the possibility, but a daydream solidified it as fact. What was the hardest part of your last break up? Realizing I still wasn't "ready" or "fit" for a successful relationship. What brought you out of the hardest period in your life? As strange as it sounds, my suicide attempt put it into action. I was obviously hospitalized for a while, and then I was brought into a month-long partial hospitalization program that has a fucking genius psychiatrist, and I also had daily therapy as long as school days during the week. It was the intense help I needed. What's your favorite kind of smiley face? (: Does anybody know your deepest darkest secret? My old therapist and maybe my mom; I can't remember if I told her. Did you ever watch Rugrats? (the babies) I LOVED that show! I even had two of the video games. What about Hey Arnold? Ugh, I hated it, but I think my little sister did, or we just watched it if we couldn't find anything else. Do you like pep rallies? NO. NO. NO. My teachers always understood that they really stoked my anxiety and allowed me to opt out of going. I'd just stay in the classroom and read or something. Have you ever had pneumonia? No. What do you feel about surgeries? Do they worry you? I fear anesthesia awareness, but not to a debilitating degree or anything that makes me panic beforehand or anything like that. Do you play Minecraft? if so, feelings about servers? Never have, and not interested. Do you read creepypastas? Nah. Do you think vlogging in public is scary? It seems awkward as FUCK to me. Even alone. Have you been to an escape room? Was it a success? No. What social class would you say you're in? I think we're actually near the poverty line (or were, idk anymore, Mom slipped it before), so definitely lower. Have you ever recorded a cover of a song? No. How do you feel about guns? They scare me. What's the most traumatizing event that ever happened to you? A very abrupt and poorly-executed breakup while being madly in love to the point of obsession with the person. Are you faint to the sight of blood? No. Do you like spicy food? Yes. Do you have good dreams or nightmares more? Well, considering I was woken up by myself shrieking my lungs out this morning, guess. It seemed for a little bit that my nightmares were chilling out, but I guess not. When was the last time someone insulted you? What was the insult? Does my mother telling me I'm saying too many "f-bombs" count? I dunno otherwise. What’s your second favorite color? Maroon. Do you ever wish you lived in a different country? Hey Canada, mind adopting me? Who’s the last person you “pounded” fists with? Ha, I think my nephew. Have you ever been involved in an affair? No. Wait, maybe? Does the Joel thing count? We never even physically met each other, we were just being idiot kids flirting over text messages. You be the judge, ig. How many times a week do you speak to your boss? I don’t have a job. What do you want for your birthday? Just donate to my tattoo fund lmao. Having to get my laptop fixed fucked up my plans yet again... Have you ever been to a masquerade? No. Is there anybody you think is hot over the age of 40? A handful, yeah. Who in your phone has a heart after their name? Just Sara does. Anything you’re avoiding? Always. After breaking up, what’s the worst? Letting go if you're the one who still has feelings. Does your sibling have a significant other? I don't know if my brother does, or the half-sister I've never met. Another sister is engaged, and two are married. Nicole is single, though. She's smart as hell about who she dates; she's probably pickier than me. Do you use Skype? Just to talk with Sara. Are you a fan of acrylic nails? I wouldn't wear them, but they look fine on some people. Except when they're square shaped. Name one happy song that describes you better than any other. "Get Up" by Mother Mother comes to me first. Name one sad/mellow song that describes you better than any other. Haha I connect with a lot of sad songs and would honestly rather not dig through 'em right now. What is your most used pick up line? None, they're all awful. Do you like the taste of alcohol? Noooooo no no. The only alcoholic drinks I like are very weak and sweet. What kinds of food make you sick? So this probably sounds so stupid, but "fancy" foods, like stuff with a lot of ingredients my body isn't used to, I guess. My stomach is very finicky with foods, so it's easy to make this list.

[daydreaming-juna]

About me

Tagged by @vi-cenarian   Thank you for always tagging me, I miss doing things like this 

Rules: Bold what’s true about you!

I am in college/university

I’ve graduated college/university

I wear glasses

I have a tattoo

I have a more than one tattoo

I don’t  have tattoos but I want some

I’m vegetarian

I have allergies

I’m sarcastic

I’m self-conscious about my body

I’m shy

I’ve been called over-emotional

I have a strange sense of humor

I wear a piece of jewellery at all times

I’m atheist 

I have red hair (my natural hair is brown but I usually paint it in shades of red)

I have a blonde hair

I dye my hair regularly (since I entered university because I wanted to grow my hair and that was the only way to feel different but it’s like once a year)

I am an only child

I have more than three siblings

I have a niece

I have a nephew

I couldn't choose a favourite song (My favourites are always changing but if I really like them I’ll remember the lyrics after years)

I’ve failed a class

I can speak two or more languages (portoghese, english, spanish and a bit of italian and japanese)

I can play any instrument

I’ve hugged someone in the last 24 hours (I’m a hugging monster to those I like and feel close to) 

I’ve kissed someone in the last 24 hours

I have a best friend

I’ve known my best friend for more than 10 years

I have met a friend from the internet

I’ve kissed someone of the same sex

I’ve had sex in the past month

I’m in/have been in long distance relationship

I’ve had a one night stand

I’ve been dumped more than I’ve dumped someone

I’ve cheated on someone

I’ve met someone famous

I’ve broken a bone

I’ve spent more than six hours straight online

I’ve been out of my home country

I have friends who are married

I have friends who have children on their own

I have been in a wedding party

I’ve ridden in a limousine

I am a morning person

I am a night owl

I like anime

I like Disney movies

I like comedies more than action films

I like action films more than comedies (I hate films all about comedy, but I like well-placed funny moments)

I always order dessert

I can’t cook

I enjoy puns

I enjoy being alone

I read for pleasure

I don’t play video games

I believe in ghosts (Ghosts, Aliens, Gods those are subjects that I neither believe nor disbelieve - I like to study both opinions) 

I believe in aliens

I enjoy conspiracy theories

I’ve been somewhere considered ‘haunted’

I’ve stayed up all night for no reason

I can’t keep secrets

I’ve had a Skype call with more than four people

I’m good with children

I’ve cheated on a test (I don’t like to do it and very rarely did it happen and there were occasions that I didn’t even use what I had) 

I’ve watched an entire season of something in one day

I am wearing something green right now

I am wearing something yellow right now

I am wearing something purple right now

I’ve never tried alcohol

I’ve had alcohol while underage (Does some sips to taste count? I hate alcohol)

I’ve played a drinking games

I’m scared of snakes

I’m scared of heights

I’m scared of clowns

I’m scared of spiders (tbh I’m scared of every insect)

I collect stamps

I collect comic books

I keep old bus/train tickets (I have a “Box of Memories” where I keep my old diary, my school record, my certificates, letters and many tickets with the dates and people I went with)

I don’t have a word s to my national anthem

I’ve been to a professional sports game

I have more than three key rings on my keys

I’ve had my hair cut in the past month

I’ve cosplayed (Twice, completely amateur just for fun) 

I cant’ swallow pills (I’m getting used to it)

I miss someone right now

I tag @v-i-o-letal @daisies-in-my-garden @cherrytomato-shutdown @uptothestairs @wisperingwinds @katharinerose5 @meedsz

[dj-syrup]

The Unnamed, Episode 01x01: Pilot

I’ve never done this before, and I don’t know what I’m doing in a lot of this. If I get stuff wrong, please tell me.

I would like it noted that while I am part of the LGTBQIAP+ community, and while I am on that spectrum, I haven’t been for very long. There are things I don’t understand yet. Please don’t judge me too hard.

All of my posts for this series will be tagged as both #the unnamed and #social justice special forces.

Of course, the only way I know of to make sure you see every episode is to either come to my page once a week, or follow my blog. Your choice. Either way.

Anyway. Enjoy...

"You know, it scares me every time you leave."

Caleb turned away from the door and looked Josh, his partner, in the eye.

"I'll be safe," Caleb replied. "Don't worry about me. Worry about you."

"Are you ever going to tell me what it is you do for work?"

"No, I'm not. You worry enough as it is."

They kiss, and Caleb leaves, a quiet, worn expression on his face. Josh would never know what his boyfriend did for a living, and that was as it should be.

That was as it had to be.

Caleb climbed into his car, started the engine, and left. He followed the coastal roads up the Eastern seaboard, plying his route from his New York suburb into the crowded heart of New York City. The perks of having a wealthy employer (more to the point, a wealthy employer who didn't mind sharing his money with his employees) included being able to drive your own car to work, and being able to park it too. Most ordinary people rode the bus or the subway or some other form of public transit, but being able to drive was a luxury that only the rich could usually afford.

Mr. Caleb Donnelly was not rich, at least not by the usual metrics like net value or available liquid assets. His employment contract spelled out that anything he needed would be provided to him. Furthermore, if Caleb wanted something, all he had to do was ask for it, within reason.

He didn't usually ask. He had what he needed, and that was enough.

The office looked very much like any other: desks, computers, cubicle walls. Nothing strange or out of the ordinary, except that it was completely empty. No-one worked in this office, with the obvious exception of the one messy desk in the corner.

That was Caleb's desk.

This is where he came, every weekday. It was boring. It was a paycheck, kind of, but it was boring.

As Caleb approached his desk, he noticed an something odd; there was a white envelope, made of expensive paper, with his name engraved on it in flowing italic script.

Caleb opened it.

Dear Mr. Donnelly. Your services are no longer required here, for I have need of you elsewhere. There is a helicopter on the roof of this building waiting to take you to your next assignment.

It is a matter of some urgency. Do not delay. Do not call anyone. Do not talk to anyone.

Sincerely, your employer.

A helicopter.

Caleb sunk into his chair. This was most unusual.

"Whatever," he muttered to himself. "It's not the craziest thing I've done."

The pilot wasn't talking. Of course, he was a little busy trying to get a civilian helicopter through a thunderstorm. He was a little occupied.

"Are you sure you can't tell me where we're going?" Caleb yelled over the storm.

"No, sir. I'm under direct orders from the boss to not tell you."

Caleb rollded his eyes. Yes sir. No sir. Three bags full sir. This whole "not knowing where I'm going" bit was getting old.

Time passed.

Before he knew it, the wind died down outside and gave place to steady, beating rain. The copter was losing altitude, and headed toward a landing pad in a New England forest.

Sir Patrick Stewart was waiting for the helicopter, holding the umbrella from a Rolls-Royce.

Caleb stood there, in the rain, stunned for a moment. Sir Patrick Stewart, in the flesh, waiting for him.

"Come inside, before you catch cold. Nasty bit of weather we're having here."

Caleb obliged.

Inside, wherever it was, was a wonderful place. It looked like a production floor, except that there was no assembly line; just vast amounts of computers, milling and manufacturing machines, welders, the whole nine yards. And everywhere, there were people, all of them busy, all of them working on something.

"I see you've found my inventing studios." Stewart had piped up. "This is where the tools that you will be using are made. I have some of the best minds in the business here, poached from all the prime companies: Google, Tesla, Intel, Dassault Systemes, the whole set."

"What exactly do you have me doing?" Caleb asked.

"I'm getting to that. Let's make our way to one of the conference rooms."

They walked to the back of the invention floor, up a couple flights of stairs, and into a mostly bare conference room. The whiteboard contained a long list of calculations, including a fair number of Greek characters (as well as some that Caleb had never seen before.)

Stewart pushed a button at the top of the whiteboard and the contents vanished.

"I keep telling my engineers that they need to erase their boards before leaving the room." Stewart looked back at Caleb's vaguely stunned expression. "It's an e-ink board. They're not commerically viable, at least, not yet, but they are incredibly useful. One of my people from Amazon figured it out." He paused for a second, letting Caleb collect himself. "You're probably wondering what you're doing here."

"Yep."

"Sit down. This is going to take some explaining.”

Caleb sat. Stewart followed suit.

"One of the places that I recruit people from is the US Government. The people at the FBI and the CIA have higher mental and emotional standards than I do, and so if someone is fired for emotional or mental reasons, I'll arrange to interview them."

Caleb nodded, but with a wrinkled expression on his face. He wasn't sure what the point here was.

"I noticed a pattern, though: there were a lot of people who left the government because they were no longer welcome there. Some of them were gay. Some of them were bisexual. Transgender people in particular were at risk. They weren't pushed out, per se, but they were unwelcome, and people were unkind to them, and when they were offered a way out they took it."

"Sir, I'm gay," Caleb responded. "I was one of those people."

"Two things, Caleb. First of all, as long as you work with me, my name is Mr. Stewart. I have a knighthood. That's pretty cool. But I don't insist on being talked up to. Always speak your mind around here.

"Second, I'm gay. I knew you were gay when I hired you. I also know that you left the SEALS because your crewmates weren't comfortable with you around."

"I felt that, in order to win the conflicts out there, there had to be peace between us. I was disturbing that peace. So I left."

"A noble aspiration, to be sure, but ultimately not always true. Some of the people I work with best are the ones I spend the most time arguing with. They force me to strengthen my arguments, and they weed out my poor logic."

"True."

They sat in silence for a moment, both of them mulling over their respective thoughts.

"Well," said Mr. Stewart. "It's time that you met your teammates." He turned toward the door, to open it, and then paused. "But don't worry about introducing yourself -- they already know who you are." He opened the door.

Great, thought Mr. Donnelly.

A tall, Asian woman walked through the door. She was strong, her arms and legs toned with the kind of muscle that came from real-world practice, not time lifting weights. Her wrists were punctuated by matched scars, circling her arms like a pair of bracelets. Her face, while untouched by scar or blemish, told a tale of too many days being strong, and not too many days with enough to eat.

"This is Ms. Zhi Ling, long range tactics. Shotgun mics, sniper rifles, tin-can Wi-Fi antennaes, the whole set."

Caleb attempted to formulate a pleasantry, but failed, This woman could turn him inside out without thinking twice about it, and Caleb knew it.

She didn't bother with niceties either.

"You've seen women like me, haven't you?" she started. "In movies? Wearing skintight clothes and throwing hook kicks in heels? I'm not one of those people. If I want you dead, you'll be dead and you'll never see it coming."

Mr. Stewart cleared his throat and then turned back toward the door. Apparently he didn't see her statement as an issue.

"Ms. Sydney Port, logistics."

Mr. Stewart had opened his mouth to say more, but Ms. Port picked up where he hadn't left off and continued.

"My job is to keep all these crazy people grounded. They need to get somewhere? I find a way to get them there." She extended a hand to Mr. Donnelly. The hand was thin, lithe; clearly not accustomed to physical work. Her clothing, while not opulent, was well-considered and tasteful.

He shook it. "It's a pleasure to meet you," he said. And it was. Ms. Port seemed like a very solid, practical beaver of a woman, shoehorned into a lightweight frame.

She sat down, across the table from Ms. Ling.

A projector clicked on in the conference room, putting a Skype video feed up on the wall. A man smiled back from the feed. He was probably around 25, with a scraggly beard and unkempt hair. Despite his grubby appearance, his eyes glinted with intelligence, making it clear that he saw and understood deeply.

Mr. Stewart sighed and put his head in his hand.

"Mr. Thomas, we've had this conversation before. I need you to actually physically come down here."

Mr. Thomas' smile disappeared. "Do I have to?"

"Yes, you do."

"Okay. I'll be there in a second."

Mr. Stewart sighed again and turned back to Caleb. "That was Mr. Brandon Thomas. He used to work for DARPA's computer science division, before he got kicked out for editing his personnel record without permission. He's kind of high maintenance; I had to talk him out of a caffeine IV a while back, for instance. As far as hacking and computer programming and all that jazz goes, though, there's no-one better."

Mr. Thomas came in and took a seat, putting his 48-ounce coffee mug on the table in front of him, along with two laptops.

"You can keep going, you know. I've got stuff to work on and I'll keep an ear on the conversation."

Mr. Stewart rolled his eyes and continued the introductions.

That is to say, he meant to continue the introductions, but the next person didn't show up for 20 minutes.

"I'm sorry everyone, I was watching a turtle eating watermelon and lost track of time."

For twenty minutes?" Mr. Stewart had a hint of sarcasm and a bit of steel in his voice.

"That and I didn't want to come. People make me nervous."

"Mr. Donnelly, this is the last member of your team, Ms. Alex Winn. Ms. Winn is a master researcher and analyst. If there's a pattern or a precedent, she'll find it.

Ms. Winn seemed comfortable above all, at least in a physical sense. She was dressed in soft clothes that prioritized feel over form: sweat pants and a t-shirt that was a size too big for her. She had a comfortable build too; she didn't worry about eating chocolate too late at night. She was heavyset, but not overweight.

"Now that we're all here, let's have a chat."

Ling threw a venomous glance at Winn.

"Some of my researchers have located a gay conversion facility with a reputation for cruelty. I need you to go in and blow the place wide open. I want proof of every human rights violation you can spot. This place needs to go out of business, permanently, but I can't do that without proof for the courts.

"Mr. Donnelly, we're having you pose as a gay man who has decided that being gay is just too much work. We'll implant you with a bone conduction communication device, so that we can hear you and you can hear us.

"Ms. Ling will be on the other side of a nearby hill, using an array of surveillance devices to keep an eye on whatever is going on inside. Ordinarily we wouldn't risk sending someone in, but the way the building is built we can't see perfectly clearly.

"While Mr. Donnelly and Ms. Ling are on the ground, Winn and Port will be running logistics and analysis. Thomas will be attempting to hack into their security systems, although I don't have much hope there. He'll also be prepping for your next mission.

"You all clear on your assignments?"

Everyone nodded, except Thomas, whose nod lagged a bit behind the others.

"Sounds good. Donnelly, Ling, you have a plane to catch."

"Ouch!" yelped Mr. Donnelly as a tech inserted his bone conduction headset into his head. "You told me that wouldn't hurt."

"I'm sorry, sir, I probably miscalculated your anesthetic dosage."

Donnelly and Ling were on a plane, halfway to their target in the Deep South. Mr. Donnelly rubbed his face and waited for the stinging sensation to fade.

He turned to Ling.

"Do you make that little speech to every new recruit that you work with?"

"Only to the ones that look like they might come on to me too hard. Being a lesbian is hard enough; being a beautiful, troubled Asian lesbian is even harder."

"You needn't have bothered; you're not exactly my type."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm gay."

"Oh."

There was an awkward silence, neither quite sure where to go with that.

"Mr. Stewart said that you were fragile, a statement that I don't understand. Can you shed some light on the topic?"

It was a statement, an observation that struck Donnelly as odd. Fragile... what was that supposed to mean?

"I've been out of action for a while. I'm a little out of shape, I haven't been to a shooting range in ages... That's probably what he meant."

Ling nodded.

"I first saw action as part of a resistance cell in China," started Ling. Sensing a long story, Donnelly sat down and turned his chair to face her.

"My group was working toward a free China -- a China free of censors, free of bondage, free of the fear that comes when people just disappear in the middle of the night.

"None of us knew the real names of any of the others, and we all wore masks or shrouds when we met in person. We planned attacks against installations, humiliated the Red Army during parades... We once sabotaged a number of tanks the night before a parade, so that they would stop in the middle of the parade and not start again. We did our best to poke holes in the public perception of the government -- all seeing, all knowing.

"Then one by one, my crew started disappearing. As the weeks went by, fewer and fewer people showed up to meetings, until the rest of us decided to break up the cell and try to get out of the country. I went back to my parents, explained what had happened, and asked for help. They were proud of me, but they were scared, and so they gave me some money and told me to figure it out myself.

"I took a train to the southern border and escaped to Vietnam.

"Once I got there, I started looking for work. Vietnam was too close. I needed to get further awau. I had heard of America, and I started looking at once for a way to get here.

"Along the way, I got picked up by some thugs who sold me to a human trafficking ring. After a few hellish days in chains, I pulled and tore at my chains so hard that I completely wore through the skin and muscle on my wrists. That's where I got my scars."

Donnelly remembered seeing scars around her wrists, and had wondered where they came from. Now he knew.

"I escaped by killing one of the clients of the trafficking ring. I then took the key from his pocket, picked my locks with the wire from his glasses, and made a run for it. Stowed away on a cargo ship and ended up in San Francisco. Three years and a handful of gigs later, I got noticed by Mr. Stewart. He promised me a stable paycheck, a place to live, and a guarantee that I would never have to break the law again.

"And now I'm here."

Donnelly gave a low whistle. "That's some story."

"It's my story."

There was a click from the intercom and the pilot's voice sounded. "We're coming in for a landing -- buckle up."

They did.

"I'll be on a hillside about half a mile to the south," said Ling. "If you're in trouble, tap three times on your jawbone, and I'll come in and get you."

Donnelly thanked her.

If only things would be that simple.

"How are things going?" Mr. Stewart asked.

"Things are fine. The electroshock therapy is a bit painful, and the daily exorcisms are a bit much, but the group meetings aren't so bad.

"The food is awful."

"I'm sorry to hear that -- do you want me to drop a steak and some baked potatoes to you?"

"That won't be necessary -- I'll get over it."

Donnelly looked over his shoulder.

"I have to go. Private time is incredibly limited. I have a lot of time where there's no-one else in my room, but everything except the bathrooms are on a CCTV setup."

"Ok. Pay attention. Take notes. Get names from the staff, and pass them on to Ling. We'll dig up whatever we can find."

"Sounds good. Donnelly out."

The line went quiet.

This place was a mess. Everyone on staff kept intoning that this was done in love, but it was hard to believe when they strapped you into a tank full of water and ran electricity through it. Knowing the human psyche as well as Donnelly did, it was clear that a number of these people took a grim, sadistic pleasure in their work.

Donnelly kept getting names. Jim Douglas. Jeremy Bonzo. Zach Blaine.

He talked to people who claimed to counselors, but who had no real credentials and spent most of their sessions intentionally causing mental anguish.

He spent time in a room outfitted with strobe lights, surrounded by staff screaming at him, telling him that he was going to hell for being gay, commanding the demons that were controlling him and making him gay to come out.

The group meetings were painful in their own way. Donnelly was placed with a group of men that were near his age and social standing, who spent hours upon hours telling him of how much better it was being straight.

Things got worse on the third day.

"Hi Caleb. My name is Joseph, and I'm one of the administrators here."

"Hi Joseph," said Caleb. "Do you have a last name?"

"See, Caleb, I wanted to talk to you about that. Let's go to my office."

They went to his office, and Joseph locked the door behind them. Locked it with a key on the inside, so that Caleb couldn't get out.

"We don't like people who ask to many questions around here. You're not here to ask us questions; you're here to move on, to make a change. You don't need to know my name to accomplish what you want to here.

"For the next 24 hours, we will be placing you in solitary confinement."

"What if I don't want to go into solitary confinement?"

"Then we will sedate you and place you there anyway."

He went willingly.

Caleb woke from a deep sleep to Winn's voice in his ear.

"Wake up, Donnelly. Wake up!"

It had been several days since solitary confinement, and Donnelly was finally getting used to things. The staff didn't want him comfortable, and they continued to find ways to make him miserable, but he had made a friend of misery. He knew what he was doing, and he made piece with his lot for the time being.

"Wake up, Caleb! Crying out loud..."

"I'm awake, I'm awake. What's up?"

"We're almost ready to get you out of there, but there's one more thing that we need you to do first."

"K, what is it?"

"We need some of the computer records from the center. We've dropped a flash drive from a drone into the compound. You need to go find it, get into the administration offices, plug it into one of the computers, and do a couple of things to the computer. Then, once we have the files, we'll send some people in there to pull you out. Clear?"

"As mud."

"Get going, then -- you need to find that flash drive before the guards do."

The drive wasn't hard to find. The drone had dropped it in the northeast corner of the interior yard, and, made of metal, it shone in the light of the full moon. The administration offices also weren't hard to get into, at least not for someone of Caleb's considerable skills. This wasn't much harder than anything he'd had to do while working with his SEAL team; the security systems were adequate, but nothing special.

Once he was inside he tapped his mic and asked for the next set of instructions. The USB stick was actually a cellular modem, so that the home team could work on the computer from a distance without worrying about the internal internet security. Donnelly dug around the office until he found a sticky note with a password on it, under the mousepad; he signed in using the password, inserted the flash drive into a port on the back of the computer, and got to work.

He was almost finished when he heard the security sirens go off. He hit the last button, turned off the screen, and ducked under the desk.

The security team knew exactly where to find him, and it suddenly dawned on him: he hadn't gotten to a secure location before talking on his mic. He had what appeared to be a very involved conversation with himself, while being watched on CCTV by a security guard. They had then allowed him to access their office, get into their computer, and start working on it.

It was very bad.

Joseph, the administrator from earlier, was the one who rolled out of bed to take control of the situation.

"We have two options, Caleb. You can either tell me who you really are, and what you're really doing here, or we can stick you in cold storage until you are ready to talk.

"And before you decide, here's another bit of information. We found your friend, the Asian, up on that nearby hill where she has been keeping track of you. You have no friends, no help. You <i>will</i> tell us what you're doing, or you will never leave this compound."

Caleb's training snapped into play.

"My name is Caleb Donnelly, I have no rank, I have no serial number, and I am giving you no further information."

"So be it."

Joseph opened his office door and gestured for two of the guards to come in. He then opened his closet and pulled out a collapsible wheelchair with restraints. The guards forced Donnelly into the chair, and Joseph cinced the restraints down hard. He was then wheeled into the basement, where they had a room outfitted in a way similar to a morgue. They strapped him to one of the drawers, and then closed and locked the drawer shut.

He was restrained, locked up, inside a space not much larger than a coffin. He was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. In a space this small, his body heat would make the already-warm space unbearably hot.

He had no guarantee of food.

He had no guarantee of water.

He knew that there was a team coming in, but he didn't know when, and there was no-one listening on the other end of his phone now. Ling had been his link to the outside world, and she was probably in a similar pickle (if not worse).

And so Caleb Donnelly did the only thing he could -- he screamed, and he pounded the table as hard as he could, until the bruises on his hands were too painful to continue.

"We have to get them out of there now." Winn was insistent.

"I know, we're working on it," Mr. Stewart replied. "You've listened to the tapes; you know that things went sideways."

"Don't abandon them. I'll go in myself if I have to."

"I won't."

"I can't."

[ryqoshay]

How to Handle a Nico: Homecoming

Primary Pairing: NicoMaki Words: ~3k Rating: T+ for some suggestive situations Time Frame: Maki is in med school. Nico is working as an idol producer. They are living together as a couple, but not married yet. Story Arc: "Home" Homesick Homecoming

List of all HtHaN scenes

Author’s Note: A direct followup to Homesick.

Maki was excited. For the first time this week, she was truly looking forward to something. Even though she would be well over an hour early, she fidgeted anxiously on the train and practically ran home from the station.

NishikinoMaki: I’m home

NishikinoMaki: I’m going to quick make some food, but I’ll be ready soon

NishikinoMaki: If you’re ready, we can start early

No1Idol: I just got off the train

No1Idol: I’m still walking to the hotel

No1Idol: I’ll be back in my room in like fifteen minutes or so

No1Idol: But I haven’t changed or removed my makeup or anything

No1Idol: I don’t want to sit for hours like this

No1Idol: I want to be comfortable and relax

NishikinoMaki: That’s fine

NishikinoMaki: You can do that while we talk

NishikinoMaki: I want to see you

No1Idol: Perv

NishikinoMaki: You know what I meant

No1Idol: Yeah I know

No1Idol: Alright, my impatient princess, we can start early

NishikinoMaki: Thank you

No1Idol: I’ll message you as soon as I get to my room

NishikinoMaki: Alright

Maki yanked open the freezer door, grabbed two bento boxes and moved them to the fridge. There she, grabbed a thawed meal which she tossed in the microwave. Just like last night. And the night before. And the… no, wait, she had gone over to Nozomi and Eli’s place last night. Last night had been special as it had broken her humdrum routine.

But tonight was even more special. Tonight, she would get to video chat with Nico. Tonight, she would be able to hear Nico’s voice live, not a just studio recording. Tonight, she would be able to see Nico live, not just a prerecorded video of her on stage or one of her several PVs. It wasn’t the same as seeing her in person, but the wonders of technology made it better than any generation had it before her.

As soon as the microwave dinged, she grabbed her food and a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge. She then speedwalked to her office where she hastily opened her laptop and maximized the Skype pane. After what seemed like an eternity, though likely only a few minutes, Nico finally sent a message.

No1Idol: I just walked in the door.

Maki hit the Call button. Pick up. Pick up, Nico-chan!

Suddenly, the call was accepted and the screen changed to display…

Nico-chan!

“Nico Nico Ni~!” Nico performed her catchphrase and signature gesture. “This is everyone’s favorite idol, Nico-ni, coming to you live for this super special, interactive, private session! Broadcasting straight to your heart, Maki-chan!”

As Nico pointed toward her laptop’s camera for emphasis, Maki couldn’t deny that her heartrate did increase for a moment. “Idiot…” the redhead said, shaking her head and smiling. She also couldn’t help laughing a little.

The twintailed girl grinned. “You love it.”

“Maybe…” Maki allowed herself a moment to drink in the view her screen was providing. “Is that what you wore to your interview?” She asked after a moment.

“Yup! Like it?”

“Very much.” Maki confirmed. “Is it new?”

“Kotori made it for me as a thank you for all the business I’ve been sending her way since I started Egao.”

“That was nice of her.”

“I know, right?”

“Did they take pictures at the interview?”

“Of course.”

“I’ll be sure to pick up the magazine when it gets published.”

“Oh, you don’t have to wait that long, Maki-chan!” That said, Nico reached forward to adjust the angle of the camera before standing. “How’s this?” She asked, striking a pose.

“Cute.” Maki admitted honestly.

Nico continued to make poses for a good ten minutes, thrilled that her girlfriend was appreciating the show. For as much as she loved the lights, the cheers, the crowd and the cameras, there was one audience she preferred; an audience of one whose approval meant more to her than anything.

“That was fun.” Nico said, finally sitting down, grinning from ear to ear. “But, as much as I love this dress, I need to get into something more comfortable.”

“That’s fine.” Maki nodded. “Are the fans still loving the costume Kotori made for your latest single?”

“Of course!” Nico declared proudly as she reached for her makeup remover. “That girl has impeccable fashion sense, and the outfit highlights all of Nico’s natural adorableness.” She set her mirror beside her laptop and began her nightly process.

Maki smiled as she let her girlfriend have that one. “I’ll keep an eye out for it when I watch the broadcast later.”

“Oh, that reminds me. I have to email you the special access code so you can watch it earlier than everyone else.”

“Yes, please. Thank you.”

The two continued talking, with Nico excitedly going on and on about the tour and Maki venting about the hardships of medical school. Maki practically forgot about her dinner as she was quite content in watching her girlfriend dab away her makeup, remove her jewelry and undo her twintails.

“One sec…” Nico suddenly said, glancing around. “Where did I put…” She disappeared off camera.

“Nico-chan?”

“Ah, here it is.” The idol’s voice came from somewhere else in the room. A moment later, she returned with the item she had sought and held it up for her girlfriend to see. “My favorite.” She declared.

The garment in question was Maki’s first training shirt from their early days in µ’s. Nico had found it one time while staying the night in Maki’s college dorm room and had worn it every time she stayed after. Eventually, Maki let Nico keep it, as the older girl was wearing it more than she was anyway. Now, several years later, the shirt was significantly faded, was separating along some of the seams and had patches that were thread bare. But Nico didn’t care and would likely wear it until it literally fell apart.

“You want to watch me change?” Nico cooed as she danced the shirt in front of the camera.

Maki swallowed. “Yes…” she croaked, not realizing how dry her throat had suddenly become.

Nico laughed. “Jeez, Maki-chan, I was only ki…” She noticed her girlfriend’s expression. “Well if that’s what my audience wants…” her voice practically dripped with smugness.

Maki’s heart thumped against her chest as she watched Nico do exactly as she said. Through a display far more tantalizing than she had expected from a simple Skype session, she found herself unable to tear her eyes away from the screen. There was no music, no dance moves, no poses; just Nico changing out of an adorable dress into her favorite sleep shirt. Slowly. All while staring charmingly into the camera.

Maki felt something turn inside her and she desperately wanted to reach through the screen and touch her girlfriend; kiss her, feel her warmth, and…

“Ah… much better.” Nico flipped her hair out of the shirt’s collar. She shook her head and shifted her shoulders, a movement that caused the stretched collar to slip off one of her shoulders.

Maki’s breath hitched.

“Ah, but that’s probably not the best angle, is it?” Nico grinned mischievously before reaching forward to move her laptop’s screen.

Maki took a long, slow breath as her view was shifted down to reveal what a shirt of normal length failed to cover when used as a sleep shirt. Granted, this had become one of Maki’s favorite reasons for letting Nico keep the garment, but now, when separated by several hundred kilometers, it was a strange source of agony instead.

“And that concludes the super special Nico-ni ‘behind the scenes’ access show.” Nico sang, returning the camera to its proper angle. “Where were we? Ah yes, so Hanayo said…”

Maki nodded dumbly as her girlfriend continued to explain something that had happened back at her company while she was away on tour. It was several minutes before the redhead could form multisyllabic responses and even then, something continued to gnaw at the edges of her consciousness.

When the Skype session finally ended, Maki moved slowly to her bedroom. Somewhere in her mind, she had expected to feel different after the call, but all she felt was an ever increasing yearning. She stared at her empty bed for a while before suddenly turning and practically running back to her office. However, instead of opening Skype again, she opened a web browser and began searching.

Nico slipped the hotel robe around her shoulders, smiling to herself as she remembered Tsubasa insisting that they go all out in their accommodations because it was their first tour off hiatus. Nico had originally protested the expense, but when Maki agreed with no hesitation in taking Tsubasa’s side, she eventually relented. Now, having stayed for over a week in some of the more luxurious places she had previously only dared to dream about, she was happy she had given in. They had been right, after all the hard work they put into Egao so far, they deserved this treat.

Her smile turned to a small grimace, however, as she noticed the time. She hadn’t intended to stay up so late, but Hanayo had sent her an email while she had been busy with her Skype session with Maki. The email had contained information about a prospective client so Nico looked her up on YouTube. Almost two hours later, she had reluctantly returned to reality and realized she should take a bath and get ready for bed.

Nico jumped at the sound of a knock at the door. Who the heck was here this late? It was a bit late for room service and she hadn’t ordered anything anyway. It could be Tsubasa, but she most likely would have called before coming over this late. Maybe a drunkard who had the wrong room?

Cautiously, Nico approached the door and peered through the peephole…

Maki-chan?!

Nico stumbled back in surprise. What the hell was Maki doing here?! How? Why?

She shook her head to get back her senses before unlatching the door.

“Maki-chan wha…” She was cut off as redheaded blur barreled into her.

Nico responded instantly as lips crashed into hers, reaching up and threading her fingers into her girlfriend’s hair. She barely registered being pushed against the wall of the entryway and had no idea if the door had closed behind Maki. But she didn’t care. She hadn't realized how much she had apparently missed kissing Maki and she would be damned if she wasn’t going soak up every ounce of affection that was being offered.

After a few minutes, Nico pulled away. Gods, she loved that expression, when Maki stared at her like a predator eyeing its prey. Nico met the gaze and matched its fervor before grabbing Maki’s hand and pulling her towards the bedroom.

Maki sighed happily as she rolled over onto her back. “I should have come here last week.”

“Mmm…” Was all Nico was able to get out, having not quite caught her breath yet.

“I missed you, Nico-chan.” Maki admitted. I missed you so much. She added silently.

Nico couldn’t help smirking. “Was my little Maki-chan lonely?”

The redhead’s cheeks flushed. “… A bit…”

“Just a bit?”

“Maybe a lot…”

The raven-haired girl smiled, having received the answer she wanted. “I missed you too, Maki-chan.” Rolling onto her side, she snuggled in close to her girlfriend. “But you really caught me off guard, I didn’t expect you to come all the way out here.”

“It was only a few hours.” Maki said. “I had to pack quickly and run to the station, but I was able to make the last train.”

“You really wanted to see me that badly, huh?”

“Yeah…”

Nico felt a wave of warmth spread through her body at the thought of her girlfriend’s desire to see her. By the gods, she loved this girl. Still… “You could have called, though. What if I had been sleeping?”

“I… I didn’t think about that…” Maki admitted. “Sorry…”

“It’s alright, just surprised me a little.” Nico tilted her head up so she could place a kiss on Maki’s cheek. “But a good surprise.” A really, really good surprise. A thought occurred to her. “But you know, Maki-chan, you’re going to have to get used to being on your own eventually.”

“Why?” The redhead blinked.

“Because this is just a short tour. Tsubasa and I have been on hiatus so long and we didn’t want to overdo things.” The raven-haired girl explained. “There will be longer ones. Like, not just a few weeks, maybe a few months.”

“So?”

“So I’ll be gone for that long��?”

“Anywhere with a stadium worth your performance can be reached in less than six hours by train.”

“That’s if I stay in Japan.” Nico pointed out, though she couldn’t help a small smile at Maki’s offhand compliment. “Tsubasa and I have already talked about heading to the mainland for a series of shows.”

“So less than six hours by plane instead of train.” Maki shrugged.

“And what if I go to the States? Maybe have a set of shows in New York or L.A.?”

“I used to join my parents on business trips to both of those cities; Chicago as well. And we have vacation homes in Hawaii and the Bahamas.

“What about Spain or Italy?”

“I’d fly West instead of East. The flights really aren’t that bad.”

“Well, yeah, if you fly first class.”

“When you’re a big enough celebrity to do tours overseas, you’ll be flying first class as well.”

Nico found she couldn’t immediately counter that point. Maybe if she thought about it more, but… wait, why was she disputing it in the first place? Maki obviously had the means, and if she really was willing to put up with the hassle of travel, then why not let her? It’s not like Nico didn’t want to see her as well.

“You’d really fly across the Pacific just to spend a night with me?” Nico finally asked after a moment.

“Maybe a couple of nights.” Maki admitted. “I would want to make sure my time with you was at least equal to, though preferably more than, my travel time, to make it worth it.”

A swell of pride filled Nico’s chest. “I guess I’ll have to start preparing VIP passes, then.”

“Huh?”

“Because if you’re around when I have a show, you’re going to want to be there, right?”

“Well, yeah,” Maki reached up to twirl a strand of hair around her finger “I thought that much was obvious.”

“I just have one condition.”

Maki raised an eyebrow.

“You don’t let it affect your studies.”

Maki furrowed her brow. Nico, of all people, was lecturing her on studying?

“I’m serious, Maki-chan. Your father would put my head on a pike if he knew you were chasing me around the world while letting your grades slip.”

“I don’t think he would be that bad…”

“Well he certainly wouldn’t be happy.” Nico scrunched her nose. “With either of us.”

“I suppose…”

“So if you promise me that, you can visit me whenever you want.”

“I brought my books.”

Nico blinked. “You brought them here tonight?”

Maki nodded.

“How long were you planning on staying?”

“Through the weekend?” Maki’s expression turned apologetically hopeful. “Maybe?”

“I’ll be pretty busy both Friday and Saturday, with rehearsals and concerts both days.” Nico explained. “We don’t have rehearsal Sunday, but we do have another concert that night.”

“I know,” Maki nodded again, “I have your itinerary. I figured I could study while you were rehearsing and then maybe go to the shows in the evenings. If I head back at a decent time Sunday, I can still make it to class on Monday.”

“What about your classes tomorrow… or today, I guess?” Nico asked, realizing it was well past midnight. “And Friday, for that matter?”

“I don’t have any labs either day and no assignments due. And I… uhm…” Maki started fidgeting with her hair again. “I already emailed my professors and told them I would not be in class because… something… came up…”

Nico sighed. “Alright, but don’t make a habit of skipping class.”

“You’re one to talk.”

“Yeah, I know.” Nico winced. “But I’m not the one aiming to be a doctor. And I don’t want you falling behind on that because of me.”

“I won’t.” the med student assured. “You’re free tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, that’s why tonight was Skype night.” The idol confirmed. “So I could sleep in if we ended up talking too late.” She smirked. “Of if you showed up unexpectedly at my door…”

“I told you, I wanted to see you.”

“I know. I missed you too. So, I’m assuming you want to go on a date tomorrow?”

“I looked up some good places while on the train.”

“Then I’ll let you lead the way, my dear.” Nico smiled. “You know, I’m glad you came.”

“I like it here.”

“I know, right? Hanayo booked us awesome rooms.”

“No, I mean I like it here.” Maki emphasized her words by pulling Nico closer.

“Oh… Yeah…” Nico nuzzled into her girlfriend. “It is nice.”

“Nozomi was right…” the redhead murmured.

“Hmm?”

“Nozomi said I was homesick earlier.”

Nico thought for a moment. “Because home is where the heart is?”

“Yeah…”

“She said that to me when you and I moved in together.”

“Why?”

“Because I was worried about whether or not I would be able to adjust to such a big house; that it would feel cavernous and empty.”

A look of concern crossed Maki’s face.

“I grew up in a tiny three-bedroom apartment filled with five people.” Nico continued. “Then I moved into a small two-bedroom apartment with Nozomi. And now I’m in a giant four-bedroom house with you.”

“You don’t like it?”

“No, I love it.” Nico assured. “That’s what I’m trying to say. I adjusted quicker than I thought because Nozomi was right; home is where the heart is. I love living in our house because you’re there with me, so it’s home to me.”

Maki craned her neck over but was unable to capture Nico’s lips, so she twisted onto her side to get a better angle. Nico read her intentions and pulled her girlfriend in once she was in position.

After a few moments, Nico finally pulled away with a lopsided grin. “So would it be cheesy of me to say a belated ‘Welcome home’ to you?”

“A bit.” Maki replied but returned the smile. “But it’s fine.” She pecked a quick kiss. “I’m home.”

Author’s Note Continued: I personally maintain the definition of “home” as being “where the heart is.” I may not have moved as many times as families in the military, but I’ve still lived in several places that felt like little more than storage places for my stuff. I slept in these places merely because my bed was being protected by their roofs and walls, but they did not feel like “home.”

On the other side of the spectrum, I can say I have several “homes.” My mom’s house feels like home, even when I sleep on a hide-a-bed. I have a friend in Seattle whose house is welcoming and feels like home to me. And there are many others, because “home” is not a geographic location to me and has nothing to do with bricks or mortar or wooden beams.

Home is a state of mind. Home is where the heart is.

[theantisocialcritic]

This AntiSocial Life: Borealis and Artistic Purity

Storytelling is one of the hardest jobs their is. The reason why is both simple and frustratingly complex. Stories require specific functions in order to create their desired function and most people don’t recognize those things. This is often the mile high hurdle that pushes down against young creatives as they struggle to try and create their own place to express themselves to an audience. Most people are il-equipped to handled such tasks. This isn’t for a lack of trying or creativity on the part of most people of course. It’s just a problem of difficulty that our greatest stories are so hard to grasp and recreate and most people never end up learning the skills necessary to do so. 

Growing up the closest I ever came to throwing my hat in the ring was with the Machinima fad of the late 2000s. The fad came as something of a strange artistic wave within the gaming community. Born in the 90s by the hands of a group of Quake gamers who created short narrations based in the world of the game, the phenomena launched in popularity after the breakout success of a small web series called Red vs Blue. The pitch was a simple parody of the in game mechanics of Halo: Combat Evolved’s multiplayer engine but the small Austin, Texas crew struck gold. 15 years later the same crew how own and operate their own Film studio. 

Machinima is a very simple concept but complicated in execution. In essence, Machinima involves using video games as the base medium to tell visual stories such as webseries and movies. To accomplish machinima in the earlier days was rather difficult. The process usually involved multiple players controlling different in game avatars and one player to function as the dedicated “camera” from whom the in game content would be recorded. From there the recorded material is edited down into traditional movie form. The process is one that initially required a great deal of time, patience, technical expertise and cooperation in order to pull off. The Quake videos and Red vs Blue did so like gangbusters. 

Red vs Blue’s runaway success reverberated up the chains of both Halo’s developers at Bungie and the gamers who loved the show. The popularity of the show gained so much attention that the developers of the game themselves personally gave the show the green light to continue without worry of legal issues from the publisher. Not long after new shows such as the dramatic series The Codex and the talk show This Spartan Life quickly rose to prominence and critical acclaim.  Given that the fad had arisen via the success of the Halo franchise it was only natural that the studio would come to recognize the golden goose they held. 

With rising popularity Bungie Studios sought to give their machinima fan base the ultimate boon. That boon was the famed Theater Mode. When Halo 3 released in 2007 the mode was one of the game’s most innovative and popular functions. Allowing the player to replay footage of their prior games and position the camera at will, theater mode was the ultimate gift to machinima fans. No more did Machinima require intensive multi-television set ups and multiple people. Now anyone with an Xbox 360 and four controllers could effectively create their own machinima. Namely myself… 

Yah… This embarrassing piece of storytelling was adolescent me’s attempt as creating his own Machinima and it sucks really badly. Not to mention it ripped off multiple other major Machinima series. Normally I don’t enjoy showing this off as it has stood for a while now as something of a personal blemish but I here I think offers a fascinating example of what Machinima was like at it’s height. Almost anyone could do it and often it failed. Occasionally though genuinely great creators managed to find their own strange, funny and/or creative niche to express and brought it to bear. To help foster this came the rise of one of YouTube’s most famous, beloved and hated channels, Machinima. Founded by some of the creators of the Quake videos, the channel became a hub at the height of the machinima craze (approximately 2007-2013). 

The channel’s great innovation was it’s ability to channel great talent into one place and keep them churning out consistent work. Shows like the wildly nihilistic and funny Arby n the Chief and the sketch comedy Sanity Not Included represented much of the best output of Machinima at the height of it’s popularity. Smaller but solid shows like the cult hit Phil also joined the highlights of Machinima at it’s height. Even with all the strong headliners Machinima’s best gift to the form was it’s ability to promote and release the smaller, less well know shorts that talented Machinima creators were churning out. Wonderful comedic bits like The De-Ranker, Gears of Halo-Theft Auto 5, New Halo Update, Birthday Surprise, The Wall, Bungie Police and Everything is Going to Be Alright hit the web to enormous fanfare with hundreds of thousands, sometimes even millions of views. For me though, one of these sketches has always stood above it’s contemporaries. Though seemingly innocuous on it’s surface and rather lacking a flashy surface compared to it’s contemporaries, i’ve always felt that this short stands head and shoulders above it’s entire medium for the very simple reason that it may be it’s entire form’s example of a pure artistic statement. That short is titled Borealis. 

As much as anyone else i’m all about fun and games. Machinima is nothing if it isn’t a great form for comedy. The inherent problem with Machinima as a form though is that of any art form I can imagine, no other one suffers such enormous creative limitations as Machinima. This genre quite literally is trapped within the confines of the games it is based on. Complex storytelling is immediately forced down by the inevitability of having to find some sort of in story explanation why everyone wears armored suites and carries assault rifles. Naturally there are a few get out of jail free cards for Machinima writers to pull in a pinch. 1. Set the Story Within the confines of Playing a Multiplayer Video Game 2. Set the Story Within the Canonical Universe of the Game

These solutions worth well in a pinch and many great Machinima creators worked out great sketches using them. The problem of course with this comes down to esotericism. Either of these options leaves you telling a story about either Halo or the experience of playing Halo. That’s it. Given that most creators working in Machinima weren’t master storytellers it was rare to see shorts that didn’t devolve into self reference and inside jokes for die hard gamers. Right off the bat this is a huge part of what makes Borealis so unique amongst it’s peers. It manages to be a story both separate from and informed by it’s origins. 

There is no reference in the short at all to Halo or any elements of the stories involved. On the flip side of things, with the exception of the voice acting no element of the short’s production exists outside of the game work. Even the music itself is drawn from the soundtrack of Halo 3: ODST. It’s an excellent synthesis of machinima’s natural limitations being embodied by an original story. On top of that it’s one of the only memorable Machinima I know of that wasn’t a comedy. Most series and shorts chose comedy because the absurdity made for good humor. Borealis actually chooses the harder root and tries to tell a serious story. The end result is a haunting, melancholy little poem about anxiety and one’s place in the greater scheme of things. 

On the downside it isn’t a subtle exploration of the topic. The story doesn’t give way to much real drama and the characters play out the themes of the piece word for word telling you pretty much exactly what they want you to think about. Greater implications can be thought of but I can’t imagine many of these characters truly existing beyond the small six minute snippet that we actually get shown in the picture. To be fair of course much of this is problems of the genre of Machinima as a whole as opposed to merely being this film’s fault. With rare exceptions Machinima isn’t an art form guided by a subtle hand. It’s primarily a niche entertainment genre and it has it’s strengths in inside jokes and subtle nodes to things most fans of Halo and other games would recognize. The closest I can imagine to a subtle hand in the genre comes out of later years Arby n the Chief which heavily relied upon darker themes and shocking plot turns. Borealis flaws and all certainly holds up amongst the best of them. 

When I call Borealis a poem I truly mean it as such. More than in it’s storytelling I find it to be a surprisingly thoughtful spoken word speech of these two characters musing on their place in the universe at one small place in one small time. This is a story about a confused young person being guided by an external force to help set his place in the universe. He starts out as a soldier, confused and alone. Sergeant Gabrial shepards him through his moment of frustration to find perspective to the state of things. His life will ultimately be defined by his choices. He very much is a small, insignificant person lost in the universe, but that universe will remember him for what he choses. The short then ends on a question to the viewer asking them the same haunting question. How will the things you do echo in the halls of eternity? 

Director Robert Merritt of Hallow Robot Productions who originally collaborated with Machinima’s Directing Program, Euphorian Films and Daemon Productions was kind enough to sit down with me for a Skype interview last fall to discuss the film and the eventual decline of Machinima and Machinima.com. Unfortunately coinciding with the departure of director Jon Graham from Arby n the Chief in 2013, Machinima.com began phasing out it’s directors program. In time regular contacts to the site began falling out and more and more films were being rejected as the company’s internal politics shifted and the company moved to reshape itself into something more legitimate from a business standpoint. The channel has gone on to partner with a number of major corporations in providing distribution for content for series such as Halo and the Justice League. Creators like Lyle Burrus and Dexter Manning who had previously highly successful jobs with Machinima broke out onto their own and eventually ceased YouTube as their full-time work. Several members of Machinima’s internal gaming crew once known as Inside Gaming even fled ship and reformed as a subsidiary of Rooster Teeth known as Funhaus. Rooster Teeth itself which still maintain’s Red vs Blue as it’s theoretical flagship has diversified it’s content so widely into live action comedy sketches, reality TV, feature films, gaming commentary and animation has largely abandoned Machinima it’s focus. Similarly so most of Borealis’s creators have moved on to various pursuits such as video game live streaming, video game development and filmmaking. Robert himself is currently working video games and CGI animation. He was involved in production of the flash game Office Freakout which was featured by YouTube celebrity Markiplier and works commission in independent filmmaking. 

Machinima’s moment in the sun has long since passed. While legacies such as the recently revitalized Arby n the Chief: Season 8 have popped up on occasion even the developers of Halo themselves have largely moved on from the fad, making Machinima in games like Halo 5: Guardians almost impossible by way of certain game restrictions. Given that little hustle has come up about it’s affect on Machinima it’s safe to say it hasn’t had a large effect. 

All that said, as Borealis shows our legacy echoes in eternity. The internet offers a database of potentially infinite possibility and the ability to preserve information for centuries to come. I’ll certainly remember Borealis, Red vs Blue, Arby n the Chief, Sanity Not Included and the numerous other Machinima's that defined this movement. As with legacy, great stories never die. 

Thank you all for reading! if you would like to see more essays like this lemme know by tweeting me at @AntiSocialCriti or commenting below. Also be sure to check out my new review show The Fox Valley Film Critics!

Live long and prosper!

[valleanenowe-dreams]

Last night’s dream was so fucking dense but I’m really gonan try to dissect it before it starts fading

Driving at night

I was on a website called iScreamer (?) where you just watched this rapid fire cut of different people screaming in fear in reaction to a screamer but after long enough out of nowhere it played a screamer and recorded your reaction and added it to the website, it turned out you were watching all the people who fell for it before

[False awakening] I wake up in bed from how scary the screamer dream was and someone next to me says something then I fall back asleep

I drank nearly the whole bottle of Robitussion and felt pretty good but not what a whole bottle of Robitussion would warrant. Then I was walking on the roadside near my house

Abby offhandedly mentioned on Skype that she was attending MSSU and I said like living at the dorms? She said yes and I said what the fuck I’m like a minute walk away from there then I went over to say hi and found myself in a cafeteria and I got in line then I was in line and typing something into my phone when she revealed herself as the person in front of me and was like HI ALEX and started frantically saying all this stuff and repeatedly calling me she while the guy behind me was going haha what the heck to that and I was making this intense facial expression trying to communicate “STOP DOING THAT”

Then we got to the end of the lunch line and I looked at the food I’d gotten and each one was labeled with the name of a Swans song and I started looking at my plate and back literally looking at individual little bean things and going “Ok that one is Screen Shot, that one is She Loves Us...” but I was missing some so I was like dang have I even heard this whole album. But I couldn’t go back in line to get the missing beans and the worker there was Michael Gira and he was screaming at us at the top of his lungs

Walking really far from my house but I had a second home it was this apartment out in a complex in the middle of nowhere but they’d sold it so it was barren and empty and I felt so sad knowing I no longer had this second building I could go to if it was closer. Then I went around the back of the complex hoping to find an empty apartment I could go into for some reason and I just found a populated one that I entered and ti turned into a Hotline Miami 2 level

Then I was in my bedroom but it was in this huge beautiful 2-story house instead and it turned out these two guys lived there all the time instead of just some family members during the day and there was this 3-track Swans album called “Disbirth” in the closet or as the closet and the only track titles I remember justi ncluded the word “Perspective” and “Disbirth” but I remember the gist of all 3 and the cover was some fleshy thing standing up surorunded by green

The big house was my 2nd home now the main home was just a less lavish house that was 2 story and old like it

I am in the main house and I look out and see a plane flying weirdly then my brother is sittign next to me on a cmoputer and he has a video about the plane pulled up already then we have no roof and I look up and oh my god it’s abotu to crash then it just plummets down like a rock and crashes and explodes and a huge piece flies scarily far straight toward us but doesn’t actually land close to us

A sunlit field, maybe near a school, maybe implied danger. Very nostalgic / Old / Strange

“In the field”: I perceive a two-panel comic. Both panels depict a stone coffin with the lid slid off, from two different angles. The first panel just says “Coming to terms with the fact that 2009 was the last notch”

The cafeteria from before as a Hotline Miami 2 level

I’m with my dad’s real-life boss (J) and her real-life husband (M). They make a post on Facebook about me then I’m with them at a convenience store and they seem to be super nervous about my presence, at least M is. I’m paying for my stuff I got and what to get out and rejoin them in their car in a hurry cause I don’t want to keep them waiting but I get in this involved conversation with the cashier

Suddenly I am completely incapable of opening my eyes for more than like .4 seconds at a time and I talk to the cashier about this. Eventually he brings something up and I say how did you know about that and he says something like “Okay I am not even gonna pretend that I haven’t been like, obsessively following your Tumblr” and I laugh a lot and he and this other guy they’re both “normal” keep yelling stuff at me like about getting me a date or something

Then I’m with them on this circular spiral stairwell and this guy from my school named B is there

Me and someone else are playing through this video game level you run forward through kinda like Crash Bandicoot and it’s like this long detailed video game level it’s like the “Hot level” I thinkI eventually get killed by this big boss in a little room off to the side

I enter this secret ENORMOUS chamber with jsut a scaffolding at the side to be on and at the center is like this enormous 3d sculpture of some pony porn picture

Later on I end up in this room again through a hidden crawlspace except it’s like this beige version made of pencil that’s like a physical space  that’s also “concept art” of where I was before

I’m in a dark kitchen with black/white tiled floor like in an office communicating with this pitch black cube, it reflects so little light that it’s hard to even visually identify as a cube. It’s implied to be a blog that creates image in response to prompts. it’s part of the CIA

I talk to it abotu getting whoever made the pony porn room in trouble and it keeps spitting out these black images, they’re like these unique images Iview in this mental web browser and I keep jacking the brightness up but it just shows the image for like a split second and then when I do it again it’s a different image it shows now, for a split second

Disturbing part of the dream. Near the 2-story alternative house a lady who is a cop is climbing down some rocks toward a river. She is about to finally discover a terrible secret operation. But this is some sort of movie where a lot of people die in these insanely, excessively realistic and fucked up ways and like... I see her decapitated and her head falls down and it’s so realistic but then she’s not decapitated and she just falls down and is suddenly “between”/”inside of” a bunch of rocks and being crushed by them and screams for help and then on top of the hill... Sonic the Hedgehog appears, her old friend

Shadow the Hedgehog is on this exploding station with someone like the Maria thing in whatever game except Maria is this weird looking animal and he takes this baby clone and there’s some narration like “Nobody what happens I will have thsi thing that looks like you” or something

[theonyxpath]

Michael Gaydos art for the Prince’s Gambit card game

TLDR:

Myself and a whole bunch of Onyx Path folks just got back from the 2017 MidWinter convention. Why you should care: We had a great time there, which helps us get recharged to tackle the many projects were working on) and had some business meetings that may pay off this year, as well as demoing upcoming games, and meeting and answering questions with a lot of attendees (both current fans and those who we hope will be).

Also among those we chatted with were possible freelance creators who will help us continue to create these great projects and might even help us drive a few projects forward faster.

And Now, On With the Show:

Thursday most of us flew in, got settled at the hotel, and before we could blink it was time for the annual Onyx Path dinner at Mader’s. This medieval decorated German restaurant was White Wolf‘s special place to eat back in the day, so I love introducing our Onyx Path crew to its bounty of boots of beer, salty bread, and genuine German cuisine.

    Neall Raemonn Price, noted Scion developer, seated next to his wife Aimee, loves his boot of beer.

  Meredith Gerber has a much smaller stein…

  …while Mike Hollywood Tomasek challenges Neall as to who can finish their boot first, and Monica Valentinelli, HtV2nd developer, looks on in amusement.

  Mighty Matt McElroy, Michelle Webb, her husband, and Rose Bailey look on in sheer awe as Mike and Neall compete.

We were also joined by freelance writer and developer Danielle Harper and friends, and writer (and the man who keeps our booth running) Bill Bodden was just to my left at our table, so was unfortunately cut from these pics. Neall left early and heroically to run a Scion 2e demo game. I should also note that The Legend Dave Martin and the Wrecking Crew were already running a variety of Onyx Path games (although I forgot to take any pics when I visited them.)

Thursday night was mostly carousing in the hotel at the Monarch Lounge as attendees showed up and were loudly greeted. There’s a very welcoming feeling as old friends are met again, and you wind up meeting new folks that somehow you missed the last few years.

    Here’s an illustration interlude by Brian LeBlanc for Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition

    Friday, we got the booth together, had great sales, and then it was time for Mighty Matt McElroy’s Pentex Retreat LARP.

    The Onyx Path booth before opening.

  And a booth action shot by Meredith Gerber

  A bird got into the vendor room and stayed there through the con. An omen of what, though?

  The Pentex Retreat LARP as Werewolf’s Pentex employees mix and mingle and do corporate team-building exercises before things heated up.

  Near the end as the many underlying plots came together. Eddy Webb was whacked by an ambitious corporate ladder climber, and the Orpheus group had record enrollments.

  This was a one-shot using very simple rules that relied on playing your role. I was there as Black Dog Game Factory CEO, Ron Thompson, and I survived the entire thing by doing an exaggerated version of myself and one-time WW CEO Mike Tinney. There have been a lot of calls from players for Matt to run it again next year, which we’re taking as a good sign that great fun was had.

Friday night, after a lovely dinner at the steak house in the hotel, Eddy Webb ran a “friends&family” playtest for Monarchies of Mau, the cat focused follow-up and connected game to Pugmire. This went very well, although we were all rolling abysmally, and ultimately my Wanderer(Monk) cat, Halo von Siberian, did succeed in a Disadvantaged leap to kick one of the White Rats off of a roof in the adventure’s climax.

At the same time Rose Bailey was running a Cavaliers of Mars demo that I hear was filled with swashbuckling fun.

We all met up again in the Monarch to share our stories and fire Neall.

    Illustration interlude by Shen Fei of the Pointer splat for Pugmire

    Saturday was our busiest day for activities, starting with an interview alongside Eddy that I hope to have a link to sometime soon, and a very productive if fast lunch with Rose and Matt as we discussed potential new projects and further ways to improve how we work with developers and writers. We would have done this by Skype anyway, but there were a few things that needed saying in person.

Then we began our day in the Oak Boardroom, a cool meeting room we were able to use for the rest of Saturday. First was the first-ever playtest of a secret card game project for Pugmire that Eddy has been working on. Even I had never seen the components and how it actually played. Here are a few uncredited, because it is secret, pics of the play with the prototypes:

      Next was our Onyx Path Q&A, which was packed. We provided some “refreshments” and the more intimate room setting was really much more enjoyable, for me at least, than the classic front table and audience format at lot of panels use. Would do again.

    We, the dark council, have brought you all here today…

    Thanks to everybody who sat in and threw your great questions at us.

Finally, I sat in on the first half of the official Monarchies of Mau playtest, and these folks really got into their Cat characters. A really great sign. I also heard that the Halo in this session also kicked a Rat off the roof. Hmm, must be something about that character.

      Finally on Saturday, a rare selfie by me of Neall, Danielle, Maria Cambone, one of our friends from By Night Studios who helped edit their very beautiful and big new Werewolf: the Apocalypse for Live Action play, and yours truly, after Maria managed to get the attention of the bartenders and got us drinks. She’s a lifesaver.

      Thought I had gotten back to my room at a reasonable hour, but then folks started dropping by, so we talked about life, the universe, and everything for a couple more hours.

Sunday, briefly, was standing in line for twenty minutes at Starbucks because also in the hotel were several HS girl’s volleyball teams and every single one of them needed whatever drink had the most tooth rotting combination of syrups, and then getting my Chai Latte in time to meet with Matt and several other folks from other companies as strategic alliances were proposed. We shall see if anything happens this year with those things, and then it was check-out and airport and buh-bye.

I also finally got to chat a bit with another long-timer, John Wick, after more than a decade of not seeing the guy. We had promised to say hi at last year’s GenCon and that never worked out because at the bigger cons we’re all just so freaking busy. Which is another great thing about MidWinter.

Overall, this was a very successful MidWinter con for us, with tons of input from playtesters to go over, game and other proposals to review, and many friendships renewed.

  BLURBS!

KICKSTARTER!

We’re exploring card game Kickstarters, packaging, and components, for Prince’s Gambit. Justin, Eddy, a crack team of players, and our talented videographers have finished shooting the KS videos in Atlanta and are assembling edits even as you read this. Things look good, and we are all for starting the KS in late January so long as the process of pulling the KS together cooperates. If so, then Monarchies of Mau KS would be next, after Gambit.

  ON SALE!

    Looking for our Deluxe or Prestige Edition books? Here’s the link to the press release we put out about how Onyx Path is now selling through Indie Press Revolution: http://ift.tt/1ZlTT6z

    The cards are alive! Conditionally. This Weds. the Advance PDF version of the Promethean 2nd Edition Condition Cards goes on sale at DTRPG!

    It is now the preordained time for Dawn of Heresies, the Mummy: the Curse novel written by internationally renowned author Brian Hodge to arise! Both PDF/electronic and physical book PoD versions are now available on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2iEP9dW

    Open the V20 Dark Ages: Tome of Secrets now on DTRPG! Both PDF and physical book PoD versions are now available! http://ift.tt/2i1XOXd

The Tome of Secrets is a treatment of numerous topics about Cainites and stranger things in the Dark Medieval World. It’s about peeling back the curtain, and digging a little deeper. Inside, you’ll find:

• Expanded treatment of Assamite Sorcery, Koldunic Sorcery, Necromancy, and Setite Sorcery

• A look at Cainite knightly orders, faith movements, and even human witchcraft

• Letters and diaries from all over the Dark Medieval World

      Travel with us all the way to the Red Planet for the Cavaliers of Mars Jumpstart: A Festival of Blades, available in PDF and PoD on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2biWBpR

Live, fight, and love on Mars, a world of red death and strange mystery, a world of savagery and romance.

Includes: 

A complete adventure set in one of dying Mars’ greatest remaining cities.

The innovative DEIMOS rules, for high-flying, swashbuckling adventure.

Four pre-generated player characters, ready to get into the heart of the action.

    The Advance PDF for Reap the Whirlwind, the Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition Jumpstart swirls into being on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2i1WPpD

You are a vampire, a junkie. Every night, you beg and you borrow and you steal just a little more life, just a few more sweet moments. But there’s a guy at the top. The Prince. He’s got everything. The money, the secrets, the blood.

Tonight, you’re going to take it from him. Tomorrow, there’ll be hell to pay.

This updated edition of Reap the Whirlwind features revisions to match the core rulebook for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition. Text edits and rules clarifications have also been updated.

Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes:

Rules for creating and playing vampires in the Chronicles of Darkness

The first two levels of every clan Discipline, the dark powers of the dead

A complete adventure by noted horror author Chuck Wendig

This new revised Reap the Whirlwind Revised includes an updated booklet, 7 condition cards, and the interactive Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition character sheet.

    The Locker is open; the Chronicles of Darkness: Hurt Locker, that is! The Advance PDF is now available on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbM9me

Hurt Locker features:

Treatment of violence in the Chronicles of Darkness. Lasting trauma, scene framing, and other tools for making your stories hurt.

Many new player options, including Merits, supernatural knacks, and even new character types like psychic vampires and sleeper cell soldiers.

Expanded equipment and equipment rules.

Hurt Locker requires the Chronicles of Darkness Rulebook or any other standalone Chronicles of Darkness rulebook such as Vampire: The Requiem, Werewolf: The Forsaken, or Beast: The Primordial to use.

    Discover the long-awaited  Secrets of the Covenants for Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition as we unearth the Advance PDF now on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2gbQjus

This book includes:

A variety of stories from each of the covenants, all told in their own words.

Never-before revealed secrets, like the fate of the Prince of New Orleans.

New blood sorcery, oaths, and other hidden powers of the covenants.

      We have now added a B&W PoD version of the Endless Ages Vampire Anthology to the existing full color PDF and PoD choices! Celebrating 25 years of personal horror, the eighteen stories in Endless Ages range in style and aesthetics from the very first edition of Vampire released in 1991, all the way to the latest books put out for the 20th Anniversary Edition. http://ift.tt/2dL7Gkt

    Seek the Cainite Conspiracies, the fiction anthology for V20 Dark Ages, in PDF and PoD physical book formats! http://ift.tt/2fMksQQ

This collection of short stories features tales by Vampire developers such as Justin Achilli, Eddy Webb, David A. Hill, Jr., and Neall Raemonn Price along with award-winning horror authors including Maurice Broaddus, Catherine Lundoff, and Richard Dansky.

      Promethean: the Created 2nd Edition comes to life in both PDF and PoD physical book versions NOW on DTRPG! http://ift.tt/2aUBEnc

You are a pilgrim now, one of the Created. You rose to life from dead flesh or inert matter, under the ministrations of one of your own, or a mad scientist, or perhaps just the power of the Divine Fire. You wander the world, sometimes alone, sometimes in the blessed company of your own kind, driven by memories of events and facts you never knew, all in the service of one Great Work…

…to be human.

Humans don’t make it easy, though. The Divine Fire that animates you burns too bright, blinds people, and scorches the land if you linger too long. It masks your disfigurements and makes you appear human, but that mask slips and people see your hideous, true form. The Pilgrimage is a long, difficult road, but it is yours, and you know, somehow, that the salvation of the New Dawn waits at the end.

This book contains:

The complete guide to playing a Promethean in the Chronicles of Darkness

Reimagined Lineages and Refinements, and a redesigned system for Transmutations

A more detailed approached to the Pilgrimage that presents players with more control over their characters’ path

New challenges on the road to humanity, including deranged, greedy alchemists

      CONVENTIONS!

Discussing GenCon plans. Every chance the booth will actually be 20′ x 30′ this year.

        And now, the new project status updates!

    DEVELOPMENT STATUS FROM ROLLICKING ROSE (projects in bold have changed status since last week):

First Draft (The first phase of a project that is about the work being done by writers, not dev prep)

Exalted 3rd Novel by Matt Forbeck (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Trinity Continuum Core Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

Trinity Continuum: Aeon Rulebook (The Trinity Continuum)

M20 Gods and Monsters (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

V20 Dark Ages Jumpstart (Vampire: the Masquerade 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Cookbook (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

M20 Book of the Fallen (Mage: the Ascension 20th Anniversary Edition)

WoD Ghost Hunters (World of Darkness)

CtD C20 Jumpstart (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Ex Novel 2 (Aaron Rosenberg) (Exalted 3rd Edition)

C20 Novel (Jackie Cassada) (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

Pugmire Fiction Anthology (Pugmire)

Pugmire Pan’s Guide for New Pioneers (Pugmire)

Monarchies of Mau Early Access (Pugmire)

  Redlines

Scion: Origins (Scion 2nd Edition)

Scion: Hero (Scion 2nd Edition)

Kithbook Boggans (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

GtS Geist 2e core (Geist: the Sin-Eaters Second Edition)

VtR Half-Damned (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

  Second Draft

The Realm (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Dragon-Blooded (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Wraith: the Oblivion 20th Anniversary Edition

BtP Beast Player’s Guide (Beast: the Primordial)

Book of Freeholds (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

  Development

W20 Changing Ways (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

Signs of Sorcery (Mage: the Awakening Second Edition)

SL Ring of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Ring of Spiragos (5e – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

SL Dagger of Spiragos (Pathfinder – Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Dagger of Spiragos (5e– Scarred Lands 2nd Edition)

Arms of the Chosen (Exalted 3rd Edition)

Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition, featuring the Huntsmen Chronicle (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

W20 Song of Unmaking novel (Bridges) (Werewolf: the Apocalypse 20th Anniversary Edition)

BtP Building a Legend (Beast: the Primordial)

CtD C20 Anthology (Changeling: the Dreaming 20th Anniversary Edition)

  Editing:

Cavaliers of Mars

VtR A Thousand Years of Night (Vampire: the Requiem 2nd Edition)

V20 Beckett’s Jyhad Diary (Stretch Goal Content)

  Post-Editing Development:

CtL fiction anthology (Changeling: the Lost 2nd Edition)

Indexing:

      ART DIRECTION FROM MIRTHFUL MIKE:

In Art Direction

Dark Eras Companion

Beckett’s Jyhad Diary

C20 

M20 Book of Secrets – AD’d

W20 Pentex Employee Indoctrination Handbook

V20 Dark Ages Companion

Mortal Remains – Beast – AD’d

EX3 Tomb of Dreams Jumpstart – Continuing to get sketches and seeing first color comps.

Dagger of Spiragos – Putting together the art buy.

Marketing Stuff

Banner and Slider Updates – Working on new stuff for Hurt Locker, Secrets of the Covenants, and Scarred Lands.

  In Layout

Necropolis Rio

Promethean 2 Condition Cards

V20 Lore of the Bloodlines

Prince’s Gambit – Kickstarter Prep.

Pugmire

Wise and the Wicked 5e – Starting on it sometime this week.

  Proofing At Press

Ex 3 Screen – Finished at the Printer.

Ex 3 core book – From RichT: manufacturing continues. Gilding finished at last, now on to binding.

Beast Condition Cards – Getting physical cards uploaded.

CofD Hurt Locker – Waiting for errata to make PoD.

Secrets of the Covenants – Waiting for errata to make PoD.

Revised Reap The Whirlwind Jumpstart – PoD proof ordered.

Beckett Screen – At Printer.

W20 Shattered Dreams – Deluxe Edition at press.

Shattered Dreams Screen – At Printer.

Dark Eras: Ends of Empire – PoD proof ordered.

Dark Eras: The Sundered World – PoD proof ordered.

Promethean 2nd Condition Cards – Advance PDF going on sale this this Wednesday.

Beast Conquering Heroes – Advance PDF now on sale at DTRPG, gathering errata.

      TODAY’S REASON TO DRINK: Pelt of the werewolf that bit ya.

[benandcoblog]

Nashville's Next Sweet Country Belle w/ Melanie Meriney

Melanie Meriney is an up and coming urban pop country artist who is a hat tippin', boot wearin', word slingin', country singer-songwriter making big moves in Nashville, Tennessee. I was lucky to grab her before the end of the year to ask her a few questions before she receives her first Grammy for influential and inspiring music. During our interview she mentioned she needed some help with her independent companies branding, I offered to help define her art and production company logos. Nothing like collaborating with like minded individuals striving to make something through passion and dedication.

[Ben]: You were born in Pittsburgh, what were your first 15 years like as a youngster?

[Melanie]: I was actually born in Los Angeles, and we moved to Pittsburgh when I was just three. I had a pretty awesome childhood. My parents and siblings were always supportive of my music dream, and I spent a lot of my younger years singing in church choirs, local choruses, open mics, and talent shows. I played travel ice hockey as well as field hockey at school and tried to keep my grades up so I could come to Nashville for college!

[Ben]: When did you decide to move to Nashville? Were you inspired by someone or something?

[Melanie]: When I was in third grade, I went to a Shania Twain concert with my parents. I watched her from my dad's shoulders with binoculars and thought she had the coolest job in the world. The next day, I asked if I could take voice lessons and I've been pretty single-minded ever since. I picked up a guitar and began trying to write songs. I knew Nashville was my next step after high school, so I applied and got accepted to Belmont University.

[Ben]: Do you notice a difference in the communities between Pittsburgh and Nashville, such as midwestern hospitality? Or is everyone more or less the same?

[Melanie]: There are slight differences. I'm not sure Pittsburghers identify with the midwest so much as they do with the east coast. People in Pittsburgh are pretty straight-up, as in, they tell you what they think and don't try to dress it up, for better or worse. That's different from the south, where people can be sweet to your face while masking their actual feelings. Strangely, a lot of my closest friends in Nashville are from northern states—I think we just naturally gravitate towards people with similar attitudes.

Both cities give me a strong sense of community. I feel at home in Pittsburgh, and now Nashville is also home. I've been living here going on nine years, so I think I can pretty much call myself a local.

[Ben]: Parents have a significant influence on our lives… did yours push you to become a musician? Did they ever have a doubt you shouldn’t be in music and encourage you to pursue something else? Were they always supportive of your decisions?

[Melanie]: My parents were integral to my development of musical tastes and style—my dad would play all the '80s rock bands he loved, and my mom would always have country radio on in the house. Both have been my biggest supporters while keeping me grounded. I talk to them pretty much every day to let them know what's going on with music and get their advice. They're the best.

They (and I) want me to be independent and have the ability to get a job that supports my main career aspirations. So, I attended Belmont as a dual English and Songwriting major, and then went on to get my Masters in Education. I admire the whole all or nothing path that some of my peers have taken, but I don't ever want to be dependent upon someone financially if I can help it.

[Ben]: Was there ever a time in your life when you essentially almost hit rock bottom via money, job, emotions, and/or feelings? What happened, where were you in life, and how did you overcome it? (I ask because I’m currently at this stage, and on vacation for winter writing and interviewing awesome people!)

[Melanie]: Aw no! You'll climb out! I pretty much have a breakdown every other month, honestly. It's such a conundrum choosing a career in a volatile field like music and still needing some sense of stability and sanity. I occasionally get anxious and depressed when I feel like nothing I do is working or mattering, and I'm struggling to break even financially or can't afford career moves that I feel are important. It's easy to look at the highlight reel of other people's lives and think that everyone is doing it better than you. But I've found that life is more like a rollercoaster—when you're low, you have to know that you're going to go up again.

I try to surround myself with people who remind me of my worth. A good support system is my perpetual saving grace. Make a list of everything you are accomplishing (even if it doesn't feel like a lot to you at the moment) and then catch lunch with someone who cares about you and can keep you motivated, on the right path.  

[Ben]: Can you share a song you've written that has a hidden meaning or one that is emotional to you and your future as a growing musician/artist?

[Melanie]: I love writing tongue-in-cheek songs because I'm pretty sarcastic. One song you may have heard is the title track of my last EP, “Up in Lights.” It talks about the pressures of the entertainment industry, like the way we dress, act, perform, network, interview, etc., and how easy it can be to lose your sense of self. The song says ridiculous things like, "Nobody got anywhere by being just who they are," and, "You're only as good as they're saying; you may not be you, but your name is up in lights." I hope that listeners pick up on the sarcasm and understand that song actually means the opposite! As an artist, your most important responsibility is hanging onto the values and the tenets that make you YOU.

[Melanie]: I don't doodle when writing, although I always loved drawing and art when I was younger. Sometimes, to de-stress, I'll put my phone down for two or three hours and paint with watercolors. I'll show you [Or here is] a bird I painted a few weeks ago when I was especially stressed!

[Ben]: There are many musicians out there wanting to break into the industry. Most start their careers through social sites such as Instagram or YouTube. How were you found? Do you have advice for others?

[Melanie]: A solid fan base will always be the most effective way for an artist to become relevant. Finding your fan base can be easier with social media, primarily if you have limited resources and can't fund an entire cross-country tour. I've made a lot of great connections through live streams, DMs, and have been working on building my YouTube presence. We are creatures with short attention spans, so content is huge—I try to post at least once a day (sometimes I'm better at it than others) to keep a constant stream of engaging content going, whether that be music, videos, live streams, or pictures. Socials are a great way to start!

[Ben]: The holidays came and went like crazy! It seems like just last month we had filled our bellies with Thanksgiving turkey, stuffing, gravy, and Grandma Barb’s famous strawberry rhubarb pie. What’s your favorite holiday? Do you believe in Santa? And since Christmas just flew by, can you tell us your favorite present so far from a friend, family, or someone else?

[Melanie]: I have a tie for my favorite holidays, which are Christmas and the Fourth of July! I love Christmas because it's cozy and you're surrounded by family; and the Fourth of July because it's right in the middle of summer, providing some of my best memories. I believe in Santa in the spiritual sense—someone who brings together the most important things in life!

My favorite gift ever was my childhood kitty, Kristey. I got her in second grade. My parents put her in a cute little box, and she was my best friend until college when she passed away.

[Ben]: I’m a stickler for creative puns and jokes, though when it comes to music, it isn’t my forte. Puns like mine could get me in treble, they also usually fall flat, and people get tired, so I might give this sentence a full rest. Maybe if I had some sheet music, I’d take a lot of notes. Can you give us your best one-liner?

[Melanie]: (Laughing) I love it! Um... I'm definitely not the funny one in my family—that'd be my brother... hm... is your fridge running? If so, you better go catch it! (Best I got, sorry everyone.)

[Ben]: What’s next? Do you have a 3- and 5-year goal?

[Melanie]: My goal for 2019 is to put out new music and fill my calendar with tour dates! You can find them on my website at melaniemeriney.com! Even though I'm a planner, I'm finding this career path difficult to schedule. In five years, I would love to have a record deal with some solid radio airplay! Ultimately, I want to be financially secure and able to work on my music full time.  

[Ben]: You currently have a crowdfunding campaign; can you tell us more about it? Is it hard to fund new endeavors? Do crowd campaigns for an already established musician provide more exposure while your backers get something to take home?

[Melanie]: I do! The last day to donate was December 24th (Christmas Eve). Our goal is $10,000 for recording and marketing new music. It's definitely a grassroots endeavor and takes a lot of humility to ask for help. Luckily, I'm able to give back in the form of signed CDs, t-shirts, hand-written lyric sheets, Skype concerts, and backer-selected cover songs. Crowdfunding is a great way to find out who truly cares about your career, and it's not always who you expect! The support has been phenomenal.

[Ben]: This wraps my interview questions for you, would you like to add anything else for our readers? Any words of inspiration?

[Melanie]: You are where you are in your life for a reason—whether it's to learn something, meet someone, or hear a good story. Embrace where you are knowing that as long as you are doing what you love, you won't look back with regrets.

[Ben]: Thank you, Melanie. That's excellent advice that I can certainly take to heart, and I'm sure others will as well. I've been loving your music since I first heard you, and know our readers will be just as inspired as your music continues to evolve and delight.

We look forward to hearing and seeing what you've got in store for us in 2019.

Melanie Meriney is an up and coming pop-country artist from Pittsburgh, PA now living in Nashville. She has opened for popular acts such as Little Big Town, The Commodores, Restless Heart, and Steve Augeri of Journey, as well as having been nominated for a Nashville Independent Music Award for Best Female Solo Artist. Her single, "Lifeboat," rocketed to #2 on both the UK HotDisc chart and Music Row (with the corresponding video receiving GAC rotation placement). Melanie is a "2018 Artist to Watch" on AXS and has received multiple mentions in Billboard, Country Aircheck, and Music Row Magazine. She is currently promoting her newest single, "Flame," with a music video release this month.

Follow Melanie Meriney on Instagram @melaniemeriney, Twitter @melaniemeriney, Facebook @melaniemerineymusic, and YouTube at /user/melaniemerineymusic.

For tour dates, you can find Melanie’s most recent touring schedule on her website at melaniemeriney.com.

[a-burningstudentavenue]

look at me :THAT TIME I WAS THE LEANEST OF MY LIFE AND FELT THE LEAST SEXY EVER

I’ve been wanting to write about this for a while. And I actually originally started this blog in 2013 (lol), but with one of my good friends and peer in the industry, Diane Flores, launching her long-awaited Sensual Movement (yes, ladies, it’s for feeling more sexxxxxy) program this week, I thought it a great time to finish it up and get it out.

Feeling “sexy” is such a complex thing. The term gets thrown around a lot, like, “Become your sexiest self!” or “Feel sexy in your skin!” and I’m over here like, okay but what does that actually mean??

Well, as is typical, I want to explore the concept of “feeling sexy” from a dieting point of view and share with you my story, something I’ve never shared before.

The Complicated Relationship Between Being Lean and Feeling Sexy

Going a little rouge today. I wanna talk about something we often skim over in the physique world and that is feeling sexy and beyond that, female libido. Seems a little strange that we don’t talk much about it considering one of the #1 reasons many people exercise and want eat well is to change their body thinking they’ll feel more confident and sexy as a result.

I was talking to a friend a couple weeks ago, and reminiscing on my competition days and granted, I didn’t use the healthiest or most sustainable practices during contest prep, but I mentioned that I’d never felt less sexy, despite being the leanest I’d ever been.a

How odd.

But also, makes sense. Think about not only the physical exhaustion from training, but more importantly, the mental fatigue from thinking about food constantly.

And the often restrictive practices, cutting out whole food groups, adrenal implications, biochemical implications (carb intake is directly related to serotonin uptake in the brain, so it’s no wonder you feel like a zombie when you go low carb!), and the insecurity around our bodies (!!!), can all leave us feel less sexy than ever.

Ugh.

It was a weird experience for me, dieting and the implications around libido and feeling “sexy.” I thought I’d feel my sexiest ever, and be my most secure, confident self ever, but it didn’t work that way.

In fact, the more I focused on making my body into some kind of work of art sculpture with hard lines and no soft edges, the more insecure I became:  Is my stomach sucked in enough, is there still cellulite on my thighs when I put them in this position, what’s happening to my love handles now, am I flexible enough, is it too light in here, what do I look like now, etc. etc.??

Talk about not feeling sexy or sensual!

I was under the impression that the leaner I got, the more attractive I was supposed to feel. How come that wasn’t happening?

It was disorienting. And the other thing that confused me was … the opposite was happening. In my off-season, I was enjoying a lot more carbs, I was slowing gaining weight and my libido was off the charts. Yes, I was still fighting body insecurity but it didn’t impact my ability to feel sensual and engaged when it came to sex with my partner.

The common denominator—leaner or not—was me. My mindset around my body. My insecurity around it. My thinking about my body.

We know this intuitively but it bears repeating here: your ability to show up confidently in your skin is a state of mind.

There’s not an inverse relationship between body fat % and confidence. It’s not like the leaner you get, the more confidence and sexy you feel.

Some people do. Sometimes. But it’s not a given. It takes mental work to overcome feelings of body insecurity. It takes focusing on something other than your body fat % or dress size. It takes feeling as though you matter, you contribute, you are worth regardless.

Confidence and feeling as though you are just as worthy of feeling sexy as anyone else, is a choice that you can literally make any time.

But I also have some tools for you—and 2 of the 3 I have handled, but I will still working on the 3rd!

3 Ways to Increase Confidence and Feeling Powerful and Sexy in Your Body

1) Weight-train.

We know this. Physical strength in the gym begets mental strength. I’ll never forget when I started lifting at 16 with my best friend, Sally. The two of us walked around feeling like Superwoman. We even joked that we couldn’t wait to get in fights at house parties (no, mom, we never did!), to “try out our new muscles.” If you’ve had the experience of lifting heavier weights in the gym for a period of time, you know this to be true. There’s nothing more powerful than a woman whose mental game matches her physical stature.

2) Value yourself outside your body.

This was a hard one for me, as it takes letting go of needing to look a certain way (be less “perfect”) and focus instead on ways you can contribute outside of your body. For me, this took the form of starting the blog at JillFit, writing daily, creating systems and frameworks to help others feel successful, and ultimately start doing distance coaching. I found that I could feel valuable from the insight and service I was providing to others, and it was a lot more rewarding than focusing on my own abs and thighs and arms all day long. And also starting to show up more authentically and let the chips fall, instead of feeling like people would only like me if I looked a certain way.

If you are still working on this, I’d take out a piece of paper and write down the ways in which you contribute and kick ass outside of your body. And then feel free to leverage those as much as possible.

Because a woman is at her most powerful when she’s unafraid to show up unapologetically as herself and let the chips fall.

3) Explore and enjoy your body right now, without needing to lose weight or look different.

This is something I am exploring now, with the help of my friend Diane. She’s a hardworking mom of 3, who’s owned a pole fitness studio for the last 10 years and has helped thousands of women of all shapes and sizes learn to appreciate their bodies, as is, and feel their sexiest and more sensual ever.

Diane and I actually did a 1:1 session over Skype recently, where she taught me some of the most basic sensual movements she teaches her women. Nothing too crazy considering she works with mostly regular gals and other moms who want to feel more confident but aren’t about to compete in pole fitness (you’ve seen the YouTube vids, I’m like, yeahhhh, that’s not going to be me, ha!).

And what I learned is that moving in a new way, both for fitness and for fun, was so liberating!! I didn’t think at all about, how many calories am I burning, what muscles am I working, this is silly, who am I do this, etc.—all I thought about was moving my body and not being scared to get a little sensual with it.

Yes, we recorded the video so stay tuned, I’m gonna share it soon, ha! But it was a blast, and I’ve been doing Diane’s videos for the last couple weeks in the comfort of my own living room. They’re as short as 5 minutes and as long as 30. It’s been an adventure into my own body and a complete 180 from the hard-hitting cardio and weight-training I normally do.

Sensual Movement made me soften a little. Which is new! Ha!

Anyway, I wanted to share this with you because I think a lot of you are like me, not sure how to address the yang to our usual hardcore yin, and Diane’s program is one great way to start feeling a leeeeetle sexier and sensual without having to join a studio or commit to doing just this.

I have been sprinkling in the flows, normally 1-2x/week. And it’s made a huge difference.

You can check out all the details for Sensual Movement here.

Diane has agreed to leave her new course open until tomorrow (Friday) for you, if you want to take advantage. The course closes at midnight on Friday Sept 1st.

I’d recommend using the flows not as a full-time training program—besides, a girl’s gotta lift—but how I am using them, which is in addition to. And lawd, even a little bit of sensual movement has felt so freeing! ;)

Let me know what you think once you enroll! Xo, Jill

GET SENSUAL MOVEMENT HERE (only available for a limited time)

look at me :THAT TIME I WAS THE LEANEST OF MY LIFE AND FELT THE LEAST SEXY EVER FELT THE LEAST SEXY EVER via secrets4y http://ift.tt/2xD7wGy