#i used to get so hyper id literally be bouncing and so filled with rage my vision somehow did seem white and blinded | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

wine-and-madness · 6 months ago

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I still yearn.

I still long for things I have no access to, I still long for my god, I fear he is distant.

He is the god of mental health, too. He is the god of taking your meds. I know this.

I cannot help missing the all-consuming rush of emotions unbridled, mind spinning, vision tunneled, hands buzzing with glorious tension. Excitement, ecstacy, blinding rage, all intense, all burning.

We never talk about how it feels good. We are already judged enough as it is.

It's better this way, I know. It's better calm, feeling reasonable amounts at a time, not hurting myself, not hurting those around me.

I fear I have lost his madness with the rest.

It is better this way, I know.

Maybe now, I can find purely Dionysus, instead of the hateful creations of my own mind.

#dionysus #borderline personality disorder #actually bpd #im on welbutrin for my adhd and a very unexpected side effect was calming my emotions and making my dbt way more effective #ig therapy works better when you can focus and remember stuff lol #i used to get so hyper id literally be bouncing and so filled with rage my vision somehow did seem white and blinded #id also get fear so intense and hurt shame sadness so intense that it felt like the world was ending #actually fucking ending #it's not a fun thing #except that it is sometimes. the excitement especially #and bpd is already so stigmatized that even if others experience any of this id be shocked if they said so? idk #anyway one of the things ive read that stuck with me was about proving godly possession is a process of elimination #including going to mental health experts #AND your own personal religious leaders #so if i wanted to induce that intentionally i had to get treated first right? logically?#at the very least now it'll be way easier to tell if it's dionysus or just bpd #i felt called to write this so here it is

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