#i used to feel so powerless 'i cant do anything abt this depression' but you can | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

yiulee999 · 7 years ago

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opm time traveler au (spoilers)

genos goes back in time and tries to disguise himself and befriending sai as a bookworm lol and they become good friends until sai is fooling around and playfully steals genos’ glasses one day and the you know 💘 💘 💘 💘

what started out as a random doodle turned into a multi-chapter length fic draft out on discord!! *o*

the full convo/story is posted below bUT its heavy angst!! be warned!! sorry about the casual lingo, i was posting in chat format XD

so time traveler au picks up from when sai was getting picked on back in middle school chapter in the manga

and when genos goes back in time he thinks the only way he can get close to saitama if he was an ‘outcast’ too

so he purposefully nerdifies himself more? lOL how is possible,,,

Originally genos got sent back by dr. Genus as way to figure out the key to sai’s strength

Bc in the ‘future’ genos, they had just met and genos just wanted to know what made sai powerful

And initially when they meet genos is very forward about wanting to know all about saitama who finds it kinda creepy and stalkerish when he finds genos tailing him in the hallways and after school haha

And other classmates notice how the new kid (genos) follows/takes an interest in the class loser (sai) so predictably they start making fun of and bullying genos too

Genos, true to form, doesnt give a fuck xD

But sai has mixed feelings about it bc it was the first time someone took an actual interest in him and even though he’s so forward, genos never overstepped boundaries with him and was an okay guy overallBut alot of the story has to do with sai trying to figure out what its like to have a friend

And what to do because hes never had one

But he does know that he doesnt like seeing genos getting pushed around or made fun of so there are moments where he’ll try to stick up for him by telling them to knock it off or pulling genos aside to a differnt hallway when he sees the bullies coming

At the same time hes so confused on like what to do right, so he’ll also try to push genos away, ‘maybe if he didn’t hang around me so much, he’ll won’t get picked on…’

There was one scene i knew i wanted to do

Where after sai stands up for genos, the bullies treat sai worse

So it was an after school thing, behind one of the school buildings where sai is beat up pretty bad (like barely standing) and the bully has him by the front of his shirt and had his fist pulled back

When genos arrives

Before, sai had managed to ditch genos so he wouldnt see sai when he’s ‘weak’And always made up some excuse when he bruises or other injuries

So genos interrupts the scene by straight up grabbing the bullies wrist

And seething in all toasty righteous fury ‘dont touch him!’

and sai cant see it cus he had two black eyes at this point

but this was some dialogue i had written:

S:’What’s he doing? Why is he helping me?‘ "Hey–“

Bully pulls back fist "Look, kid. You’re new so I’ll give you a free pass this time if you walk away right now. You wouldn’t want us to mess up that pretty face of yours, would you?"

G: "How generous of you. Unfortunately, I won’t be extending the same courtesy to anyone who treats this person disrespectfully. Especially not ugly trash like you. "

Bully: "Why you–!! ”

And when the bully tries to redirect the hit to genos, genos instinctively throws out his palm and says ‘incin—‘ before he realizes he doesnt have his cannons

And genos is about to get b e a t

When sai wrenches himself from the bullies grip and takes the hit for him

They like tumble down and genos is confused to what happened before he sees sai lying motionless beside him, bleeding from his head and unresponsive

And i was gonna end a chapter there with genos screaming saitama’s name…

Next chapter was gonna be sai waking up slowly and in a world of hurt

He realizes he’s in the nurses office

It was night time

And when could finally see, he hallucinates seeing like 8 mini genos (remember the genosbots :3)‘Why…whys there eight of you/??’

So basically genos is worry over him so much whereas sai says its fine but genos is like feeling really bad so sai shakily reaches over and gently taps him on the forehead

And grins weakly, ‘there, now we’re even.’

Genos is crying openly bc he’s remembering when future saitama playfully hit his head after a spar and he thinks that saitama-sensei is strong no matter how old he is

And he’s just…overwhelmed by how kind and strong saitama is, even when he has no strength at all (Cus hes like 14 rn haha)

I think a couple days pass, and genos and saitama are eating lunch on the roof (cue bento box scene lol)

Sai is healing nicely, genos is still feeling bad whenever he looks over an sees the bandage on sais head

Some dialogue:

Eating lunch on the roof. G: How’s your wound? S: Hm? Oh, it’s fine. Don’t worry, my teachers say I have a hard head. G: I’m sorry. S: ? Why are you sorry? Not like you’re the one who punched me. G: I made things worse. If I hadn’t antagonized him, then–!! S: Then he woulda beat me up anyway. Seriously, man, it’s not your fault, okay? So you can stop doing all those things for me. G: Like what? S: You know! Like being nice to me and buying lunch and stuff. You don’t need to feel guilty about it anymore.

Sai is still kinda insecure abt having a genuine friend, so he still thinks genos is being nice to him out of pity or smtg, (and genos had been particularly nice to him after he got injured so he figured it was out of guilt)

And i mean….it was,, genos feels terribly guilty…but i think watching sai, who was powerless, attempt to protect him just made him more intrigued (and unbeknownst to him fall a lot deeper in love XD)

But genos says thats not why he does those things

That saitama reminded him of ‘someone’ he knew whom he admired greatly

At his ‘old’ school

He tells sai about his ‘sensei’ and how amazing this person was and all of his great qualities

And sai was feeling a little more depressed at each praise genos was singing about this person (coughjealouscough)

And i have another piece of dialogue here…

S: if you like him so much, why did you leave? G: …I wanted to see the kind of person sensei was before he became strong. this is where he grew up. S: …seems like a lot of effort just for one person. G:.that person (sai thoughts: he’s still talking?)…no matter what i did..I couldn’t reach him. I’d do anything to close the distance between us..I thought that if I came here, I would be able to understand him. I thought I could help him. G: touches saitama’s wound But instead, I’m still the one being saved. I never learn.

And genos gives sai this painfully heartfelt smile and its full of regret, frustration, self-loathing, admiration, and some other unidentified emotion that just floors saitama

Saitama sees genos’ smile and his eyes and is just...stunned by the level of vulnerability he sees (he’s never gotten close enough to anyone before to see it)

So he reaches out, hestitantly at first, before wiping away genos’ tears carefully because if he touches any harder he’s afraid genos would crumble

S: “i dont really get it...but if you feel that strongly, then i’m sure some part of your feelings reached him.”

And they share their first hug then :3

////

((When i wrote this, genos didnt have glasses haha so i guess that scene where sai realizes how pretty genos is would go before this one))

I guess if the glasses were involved, sai would be torn between wanting genos to take them off (so he can see his eyes which oddly finds that he likes them...alot.) and keep them on so other ppl wont see how pretty he is

Bc sure if they saw, genos would no longer be his friend

He would have so many ppl vying for his attn, he would be surrounded by girls and guys and would be approachableAnd saitama would get left behind

But i think even tho sai wants to be selfish and keep genos to himself, he also realizes that genos wouldnt be bullied if he were more accepted

So he would encourage genos to ditch the glasses and genos would end up getting accepted by everyone but he would still stay with saitama and nothing would change between them other than saitama getting really red at random times and avoiding eye contact more

It would just be one of the many things that strengthen their relationship as friends. And i think i had planned some stuff where they do a bunch of typical friend / kid stuff

Like genos tutoring saitama on math, genos running circles around sai in track/field (‘wtf...huff are...huff you?! huff some...kinda...rOBOT!?). Them going to the arcade, saitama taking genos around to explore his hometown, they go on hiking trips and stuff.

genos finding out saitama lived alone and that’s why he always buys lunch (or doesnt eat if he got bullied out of it that day) and talking out their issues and genos reaching out and saying yeah, he knew what it felt like to be alone

but that saitama should never feel that way because he wasn’t alone anymore, and saitama joking affectionately ‘yeah i have you to stick annoyingly close.’

and also heavy scenes like when you have to fill out future goals sheets in school where sai shyly admits that he’s always thought it’d be nice to be a hero and was shocked when genos was oVERWHELMINGLY supportive bc he’s never had anyone cheer for him like this, believe in him like genos does. And he calls genos crazy for agreeing with him, but he thinks he must also be crazy because when genos looks at him like that, he feels like he could do it

and its one of the first moments we see sai really open up to genos

bc being a hero was something he truly cared about

but his teachers, his classmates, heck the world, didn’t think he could do, they thought it was a hopeless dream for someone, and he’s so used to facing this kind of rejection that he’s started to believe it really would be impossible for someone like him....

but all it took was this one person, this one friend to tell him he could...and it made him feel invincible

and its probably the scene where saitama realizes how important genos is to him.

So of fucking course its when saitama realizes genos is important to him that drama bomb hits Basically, Dr. genus comes and pays genos a surprise visit. And hes like “did you forget the reason I sent you back here? Any updates?”

And genos is like “i have nothing of interest to report”

genus: "This isn’t some children’s game, you know. "

genos: "I must be careful not to expose myself. Saitama-sensei is more observant than I had initially planned--"

genus: "You’re stalling. I have an idea: Fight him. "

genos: !!! dr : "You’ll have a disguise. I will re-install your blasters. Perhaps a stressful situation will trigger a transformatio--. "

((so it was gonna be hinted at that even though genos appeared like a normal human, he was just redesigned by genus and was actually still a cyborg) genos: "I refuse to put Saitama-sensei in danger!!"

dr: "What danger? He is more than capable of--"

genos: "Right now, he is powerless. An attack could kill him--!"

dr: " And doing nothing will kill us!! Your mission is to find out the secret to his strength! Something we both wanted to discover and the entire reason why I chose you as my test subject! I will not sit here idly while you indulge in your childish fantasies that will get us both erased from the timestream. Look. " //he shows genos a pic of the hero registery from their time//

genos: " !!! Sensei’s name is missing!”

dr: " Your name is gone too. I dont know what you did but your actions are interfering with the future. Here. Collect your belongings and leave no evidence behind. We depart in 1 hour. "

genos: " !! Wait! Give me more time!! I understand now..!"

//genos has a bunch of flashbacks of when he does fun stuff with saitama. When sai tries to make him something in cooking class (and fails badly lol). When saitama shares his manga with genos. When they watch anime together.//

Genos: “I understand now..what type of person sensei was...his strength (when sai was protecting him from bullies)...his kindness (sai wiping his tears away)...his warmth (sai hugging him*)...!!”

“I finally understand...!!”

sai holding his hand, sai smiling and eating with him..

“...what its like to feel human again!!!”

He’s suddenly lifted off the ground and pushed roughly against the wall. Dr. Genus has him by the collar.

“Reality check, little shit!! You. Do. Not. Belong. Here! You’ve been playing pretend for far too long! And guess what demon cyborg?”

He tosses genos to the ground

“Time’s run out”

So chapter was gonna end with genos’ hand slowly fading in and out

next chapter would begin with genos being given 2 hours by dr. Genus to basically pack his shit and go. bc they cant leave any trace of the future stuff when they leave So genos ends up back in the classroom Packing his cute stationary and shit xD

(That sai bought him o b v i o u s l y )

And he’s startled by the door sliding open

And saitama walks in

He’s suprised to see genos there (and looking guilty?) “did ya forget smtg?”

And genos just kinda..looks away

And sai sees him packing up and taking everything and hes quiet for a bit ...

“You’re leaving?” He asks softly

“Saitama-kun, I—!”

“Why?” He keeps talking in that soft tone, but it silences genos more effectively than a shout

“I..I can’t...”

S: “...Is it because of that person?”

(Sai remembers the shine in genos eyes when he talks about his ‘sensei’, his special person, and his heart kinda just falls to his feet)

(i never had a chance, did i...)

Genos cant answer because yeah it was because of saitama in the future. So what if genos disappeared? Genos didn’t care. But the world needed saitama. It needed Saitama The Hero. He had to leave now so saitama can exist in the future

But since he cant say anything, for fear or changing the future even more, genos just doesnt say anything

So sai assumes that yeah, it was because of someone else, someone better than him, someone who deserved genos’ admiration and loyalty

He doesnt say anything, just approaches genos slowly, trying not to startle genos who has like deer in head lights ready-to-b o l t

And saitama rests his forehead on genos’ shoulder, barely touching him but close enough that genos cant ignore him, genos can feel his presence and his warmth

And theres a moment where genos is t o r n

Bc this saitama acknowledges him in a way that future sai wouldnt. This saitama looks at him and sees him whereas his sensei’s gaze passes over him to focus on the sale sign

And genos has been in school again, and he realizes he missed it. He missed having his worries be about being late for class, missing a school assignment, whether he could sit next saitama next class, what to pack for his and sai’s lunch tomorrow

And he knew in the back of his mind, that his real self, was in surgery at this time, trading warmth for fire and destruction, shedding his humanity while his future self was regaining it in the past,Thanks to saitama

He inhales sharply, ‘sai—‘ S: “don’t go.”

G: !

(Sai thought genos was going to say he was going to leave and he didn’t think he could hear him say it) S: “I know..he’s precious to you...” He reaches for genos, and after hesitating over touching genos’ hand, he settles for gripping genos’ sleeve of his school uniform tightly S: “but you’re precious to me “

And genos has tears streaming down his face. Because he wanted to stay, he had never wanted anything so much before than to just stay with saitama before he became sensei, to cheer for him when no one else would, to stop him from reaching the point he had trade his emotions for his strength, to stop the emptiness before it could touch him

But he also knew...that in order for his sensei to become strong...saitama needed to have these struggles that pushed him to change

That success without sacrifice was impossible, and he knew, genos KNEW it in his soul that if he stayed...if HE was the factor that caused saitama to limit himself, to fall back on a regular life when genos had seen it with his own eyes that this was a man destined for greater things...he would never be able to forgive himself

Genos throws his arms around saitama and hugs him tightly. He feels like he’s floating with nothing to ground him than the feeling of saitama returning his embrace equally tightly with his still lanky arms

G: “Saitama-kun....Thank you.”

G: “...goodbye.”

So next chapter begins ...With genos ending up back in genus’ lab

G: “Are we back?”

dr: “It appears so. We should—hey!! Where are you going?”

And genos is running off to look for saitama/his SENSEI because he had to exist, he had to still be a hero, right?!

He bumps into a monster

But not just any monster...Its the mosquito girl XD

Genos fights MG because its what he’s supposed to do, but he’s not scared for the fight...he’s scared for what’s to come AFTER...

And saitama shows up and finishes off MG with wan punch!!!

Genos is thankfully, not in disrepair bc he managed to dodge her attacks and was basically stalling for time

Saitama kinda sees him and looks at him blandly but to genos, that garrish, eye-burning yellow hero suit was the best thing he had ever seen

S: “Oh. A civilian? Are you oka—“

And he freezes all of a sudden.

And genos also freezes bc he doesn’t know what to do Its saitama-sensei...he should know the script, he’s done it all before

But now saitama-sensei was the stranger and he longed for the comfort that came with saitama-kun’s toothy smile

But he too had changed....he was a cyborg now, weaponized arms and black sclera on full display. His core spun dangerously. Would saitama even recognize him? Would he remember that day in the classroom when they parted ways, that was only a few hours ago for genos but more than a decade for saitama?

Genos froze. Would saitama even want to remember? After all the heartbreak genos had caused him?

Lost in his thoughts, genos almost didn’t notice saitama approach until the soft crunch of asphalt right in front of him jarred him to reality

Genos held his breath

Saitama didnt say anything. Only let that sharp gaze pierce genos in ways no monster could.

Genos couldnt read what he was thinking, he never could on his sensei’s bland face but this time, there was something tightly guarded in those brown eyes.

Saitama muttered something so low that genos had to use his advanced hearing to pickup

S: “It cant be...”

Louder and taking an aggressive step forward, saitama clenched his hand into a fist. He narrowed his eyes. “...If you’re some kinda shape-shifting monster...this won’t end well for you.”

G: “It’s genos!! I’m...I’m genos.”

Saitama freezes and his eyes grow wide. Genos almost instinctively lurches foward when saitama falls back on his heels, appearing shaken.

S: ...genos?

Genos nods tentatively.

For a moment, saitama doesnt say anything. But genos finds he doesnt need to. Those brown eyes had opened and genos could see, could feel some far-flung emotions creep back into that achingly familiar face as saitama let his gaze trail from his new eyes down his circuited arms and linger on the glowing blue that peeked through his shirt

After what felt like years, genos saw a corner of saitama’s lips twitch.

S: “It really is you....Heh. You haven’t changed a bit.”

G: “Sai—“

S: "I tried to forget you. I tried to go back to life before you. I finished school .... somehow got a job as a shitty salesman..."

S: "...I really tried."

Genos looked down, ashamed. He had been the one to injure saitama so unforgivably. He couldn’t imagine what it would be like if saitama had done the same to him, if he had turned genos away from being his disciple. Kicked him out. How could you forgive someone who changed your world for the better, only to leave it behind?

More than anything, he needed to beg for forgiveness, not that he deserved it—but saitama did.

G: “Saitama, I—“

Sai shook his head, like he didn’t want to hear it.

Genos thought his core would crack.

S: “I thought...If I were strong, things would get better. If I were stronger than that person..maybe you would have picked me instead.”

S: “Maybe you would have stayed “

S: “I trained and trained until I became strong...but it wasn’t enough. To capture your attention, I had to be the strongest.” Saitama pauses and shoots him a small, cheeky grin that had echoes of the same toothy smile Genos cherished.

S: “I would have to be, to take care of someone as high maintenance as you.”

Then the smile faded. S: “But even after I became strong..what did it matter? You had left and I didn’t know if I would ever see you again. And if for some crazy reason i Did meet you again...I didn’t know if i had it in me to ask you to choose again..”

G: (full on oil tears, the whole shebang)

G: S-Saitama..!!

Saitama grinned helplessly at him.

S: “So hurry up and choose me, genos!”

G: “Sensei!!!” [ because I had already chosen you a long time ago ]

They hug.

THE END!!!!!!!!!!! :’D

There’s a small epilogue where sai’s like..you called me teacher again. Im still not a teacher you know (in reference to this original post: http://yiulee.tumblr.com/post/139194391025/time-travel-au ) .

And genos is like: dont worry sensei, ill explain it to you

And sai is like ah, okay? But first. surprise smooch! S: been waiting 12 years to do that :D

/////

endless thanks to @konorai @batneko @egg-in-the-basket for bearing with me while i unloaded this beast into the discord chat..yall the real mvps!!! ;3;

#saigenos #opm #saitama #genos #time travel au #my writing #opm time travel au #i was right #im never finishing this LOL OTL #but!!#i hope you guys still enjoy the story outline! :D #the key scenes i wanted to write/draw are still included so im sated :>#yiulee art #opm art

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sinsfox · 6 years ago

Note

Care to tell us about Ban's depression and all?

yoko you just had to ask this since i mentioned it to you huh

OF COURSE I CAN TALK ABT IT

this is gonna get long, so ima put it under the cut but theres going to be content warning galore, but itll be tagged

im really not going to beat around the bush here.

i headcanon ban to have depression, but at this point, it seems to me to be implied that he does. would it be professionally diagnosed? fuck no. ban gives less than a shit about himself, i dont think he would be obligated to figure out why he feels hollow or dulled. why life is a bore, and he only ever feels alive in a fight or when hes ‘killed’.

to him its a feeling he can easily shrug off and ignore and he easily puts up a front of being the easy going, out there kind of guy that he is. eccentric and melodious in his tone, fight enthusiastic and seemingly taking his interest in whatever seems convenient at the time. stealing what he wants, even if its the clothes off someones back. drinking ale and laughing it up like no tomorrow until he passes out.

but at the end of the day, hes lonely. hes tired. despite the things that are fun that he does have fun with, its still hard to completely forget the void that he feels and how much duller things seem nowadays ever since the incident in the fairy kings forest.

it only got worse since that day.

his childhood was the start of it all.

his parents neglected him and his sister. his little sister died from starvation at four years old. that was the first time ban felt alone. his parents cared nothing for them. ban was used to try and obtain food for his mother and father, while not being allowed to eat himself. his father would beat him if he did eat. his father would beat him if ban even slept. it wasnt a good environment. ban ran away from home often.

then ban was caught stealing and was sent to prison and that was where he met zhivago and they escaped together. and ban took to secretly meeting zhivago whenever he could and was given food by him to eat. zhivago helped him survive. zhivago taught ban all he needed to know about thieving and even saved his life from starvation and from being kidnapped and almost being sold to a noblewoman who tortured and killed children.

zhivago adopted ban. he referred to ban as his son in a conversation with ban himself. telling him how he had one son named therion who was nothing like ban, a shy kid. and how he had another son named ban who was a troublemaker with a bad mouth.

hearing that made ban happy. and he felt like he had family again.

then one day when they were to do a heist together, ban got impatient and went on his own. and got caught by the guards and was beaten by them. and zhivago was handed two choices: save ban or save therion. ultimately zhivago made his choice and abandoned ban ( he was crying when he made his choice ) for the sake of saving his own son, which he was too late in doing.

that was the second time ban felt alone in the world.

years pass, ban is a bandit now. he goes after the fountain of youth after hearing talk of it in a bar. he enters the fairy kings forest. he persists in getting to the fountain. thats when he meets elaine. and in seven days he grew close to her and helped her battle her seven hundred years of loneliness. and he fell in love with her and was going to bring her brother back to the forest, and make him take her place so ban could take her away.

but then a demon attacked. and elaine, who ban wanted to save with the fountain of youth, fed the water to ban which made him immortal. and he kills the demon, but elaine dies before he can even begin to help her.

that is the third time ban felt alone in the world.

and he was heart broken.

its at this point in time that ban believe he cannot be close to anyone, for they are going to leave him. by dying or by abandoning him. he refuses to fight when he is arrested and accused of a false crime but what can he do. he has no proof against their claim, and they cannot do anything to an immortal being. so he takes the brunt of it all and allows himself to be executed over and over again in his time captured.

its at this point that ban wishes he could die. because he doesnt want to live. not when he had nothing to consider a family from his little sister dying so young, his parents neglecting and abusing him. zhivago was his ideal father, he never held a grudge against the man for abandoning him but it still left a hefty hole for ban to carry. and elaine was killed before him and she used the last of her strength to save him instead of herself.

he was powerless to stop any of this from happening. despite that he was only a child, that he was just a human.

meeting meliodas was another of the happier moments in his life. when the man busted him out of prison, literally punching him through the wall, ban knew immediately that meliodas was someone he did not want to lose. there was an interest gained in this man. ban didnt want meliodas to disappear on him. he didnt want him to leave like the rest.

of course history happens, ban gets imprisoned by the weird fangs when he hears that meliodas had passed ( a lie ). and he endures torture yet again to ease the emptiness that wracks his being. bans stated before that dying is just another part of life for him. a daily occurrence. hes mentioned before that hes felt like dying. that its been a long time since he felt like dying.

it doesnt change the fact that hes felt that way.

there are points in time where ban berates himself. degrades himself. hes called himself a bad person. hes referred to himself as a useless piece of shit. that hes powerless. that hes an awful friend. all in regards to being unable to protect those he loves and cares about.

ban cares little about his own well being. its why he fights as reckless as he does, aside from his immortality. ban does not care about himself. theres nothing he likes about him. theres… nothing. he feels nothing for himself. he doesnt even consider himself human anymore unless hes referred to as one.

one wouldnt even think ban feels or thinks this way considering the way he is, as i said before. its easy to think ban is someone who doesnt feel that way but really its been eating at him for over the entirety of his life. ever since his childhood. ever since elaine died.

and he has terrible ways of coping with it all.

ban drinks himself silly. he lets himself get brutally murdered just come back to life and have it done again when he fights. he seeks out getting arrested to endure torture to feel something than nothing. because hes so tired of feeling nothing.

but in the end, no one except meliodas and elaine ( and king ) are capable of telling really telling bans actual emotions and the way he feels. because around them he drops the face of the fox sin everyone knows. because hes tired. hes empty. he can fake a smile and really well at that. he can put on the face of excitement, the outgoing personality and passion he can exude when needed. but at the end of the day, those feelings and thoughts are still there.

ban has, since gaining immortality, fantasized about death. idealized it. wished he could die. because being immortal is boring. living and dying near constantly runs dry after a time and to think that dying is a daily part of life now is cruel to him when he wakes up like nothing happened.

it was worse when the rumor meliodas had died got around, after hed finally learned to be happy again after the loss of elaine.

when he learned meliodas was indeed alive, and was busted out of baste dungeon to reunite with meliodas, he was happy again.

when the ten commandments and demon clan were released from their seal, and melascula using her magic with the venegeful soul revival, elaine was resurrected and ban was able to reunite with her too, after quelling her anger and hate towards those who had spent their time around ban when she could note and melascula still being kept alive kept elaine alive.

ban was made all the more happier then, too.

but elaine can read bans heart like fairies can. meliodas can read ban like a book because theyre best friends and meliodas understands ban just as ban understands him. and hes able to be open with them, more so than anyone else.

they are the only two he can really be truthful with in regards to his emotions because they are the only two that he trusts enough to let his guard down around and let them see the side that he hides from everyone else.

because he doesnt need more people worrying or whatever in his mind. he doesnt need peoples concerns when hes fine by technicality because hes immortal and nothing will ever come of anything even if he tried to do something. his sense of self-worth is abyssal, he cares so little about himself. hed rather everyone around him be okay and happy than have people worrying over him because its something hes felt for a long time, a very long time. something hes dealt with all on his own ( until elaine and meliodas came into his life ) and hed rather not include anymore people in it.

ban has gotten the short and shit end of the stick too many times to count. hes lost people. hes been unable to save people. he feels powerless in situations he cant do anything to change or fix. he berates himself over these things.

and he tries to keep others out of it because its not something they should deal with, its his own problem. but its hard to deal with it when he doesnt want to. he wants it to go away, he wants to stop feeling and thinking it. but its hard when its constant and he cant do anything about it. aside from drown himself in ale and liquor. and fight so recklessly and with abandon because hell be fine, hell come out unscathed and it gives him something to better focus his energy on than the hollow dull ache in his chest.

thats about the long and short of it

#cxrsedsilence #*letters. ⟨ ask. ⟩#*record information. ⟨ headcanon. ⟩#theres rlly content warning all over the place for this #jesus christ but anyways #suicide mention cw.#abuse mention cw.#death mention cw.#alcohol mention cw.#UH LEMME KNOW IF I NEED OTHER TAGS FOR THIS I THINK THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES HERE THOUGH

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