#i used to be on trazadone in college and it was very helpful but eventually I didn’t need it anymore

[syn0vial]

just had to request someone sub my summer camp for the second time in two weeks and kind of wanna kms, ngl

[alexgstories]

June 17th, 2017

I didn’t get to finish last night so I’ll do that today. Damn trazadone. And actually, I can’t even remember what I needed to finish.

 I was talking with Grisham about you. The one thing he said repeatedly was that he was sorry I was feeling this. So am I Gabe, but I’m not sorry for feeling upset I’m sorry for letting myself get this far when that voice in the back of my head told me not to. But I was describing everything I was feeling and you know what he said?

 He said that the feeling I was talking about, was falling hard. And that everything is going to be fine and it going to hurt like hell and it’s going to take a long time; but eventually. And I love him for being a soft kind of blunt. He’s the only other person I’ve loved beside you and it’s not even as strong. But it’s still enough to know that there’s going to be a small spot in me for him. I just wish you’d be there to you know, take up the rest with full knowledge that it’s always yours.

 I know I’m only 20 and I’ve yet to really live a life and maybe find “real love,” but despite my very young age there’s one thing that’s certain, and that’s that I’m not really going to love anyone like you or at all. And part of me wishes to not love anyone else.

 So sue me, for being a little optimistic and maybe even a little stupid. But if things go the way that I want to, and I’m not saying they will, but if things happened to work out in a way that I liked, I’d be able to stop the masochist tendencies I’ve created with watching New Girl.

 And it’s been 3 days now and I’ve still got these fucking butterflies having a goddamn rave in my stomach. You’re in a different country, mind you 4 hours ahead, and I’m sitting here like a damn school girl who’s waiting for a boy who’s, being driven by his parents, on his way to pick me up for a middle school date. I want to talk to you even just to hear your voice. I’m so tempted to call you, and maybe hope you’d pick up but even if you didn’t, I get to hear your voicemail. And I just need to hear your voice Gabe I really do.

 And to what I said earlier of what Grisham said, I told him that too. I honestly don’t know where the fuck these damn insects came from but they won’t leave. Maybe it’s because you’re in a different country? I don’t know really know I have no reason to be nervous I think, or at least not as nervous about you as I could with Wylie. I mean last I knew he was in Kuwait but he’s not there anymore. I just want to not be nervous for no reason and I want to hear your voice more than anything in the world. Even if it’s just your voicemail.

 And I can’t bring myself to stop listening to The 1975. I know you probably don’t really listen to them often if at all, but I can’t bring myself to stop unless I’m running or driving around. It’s this never ending vicious cycle that I can’t find a way or the strength to break. And I’ve pulled up a world clock on my phone and now I know how far ahead you are time zone wise.

 It’s so sad and tragic and a whole bunch of other adjectives that I just don’t have the energy to type right now. And I’m crying again, surprise.

 I can’t even ride anymore did you know that? The one and only thing that always had a 100% guarantee that I’d forget about you for a little bit. Riding always did that for me and now I get to spend a whole year not doing it. I’ve done this once but that was to play club soccer so I still had some kind of coping mechanism. But I can’t ride and that kills me so much inside that I’m begging and praying that neither of my parents will come in here to see me crying yet again because they’ll only want an explanation. I mean my mom knows so she won’t be confused but my dad will and the moment anyone looks at me I’m going to break down even further. I’ve got some writing but that does so little for me. I’ve broken down a few times for a few different reasons but the last time it felt this bad, I had to call Molly so she could talk me out of ripping my arm open with an X-acto knife.

 She got me to throw out the X-acto knife I’d had in my arms and for a while I wanted nothing more than to decorate my arm with some red but I couldn’t because 1) I had a lot of people counting on me to be “fine” and not doing anything stupid 2) I still have a lot to live for and 3) I didn’t have anything sharp to really cause any damage. But I found something yesterday while looking for whatever it was I was looking for.

 I found the extra blades they give you for X-acto knives. I have blades I can use Gabe and it’s taking everything in me to not do something. Every time I look at them I have to remind myself that so many people would be so disappointed in me for “giving in” and not getting help. Well fuck you all because I’ve tried and right now I’m just so tired of having to put up a front that I’m perfectly fine with everything in my life right now. I know I’m more than likely never going to actually kill myself because I’m too scared of death to actually pull through with it. But I can see myself doing some self-harm to cope.

 I think that’s why I want to cover myself in tattoos. They have this good kind of pain when they’ve been put on and it’s addicting. Maybe I can use that excuse to make my dad let go of the fact that I want more and I will get more. See now that’s a healthy coping mechanism albeit an expensive one; but it’s better than a zigzag on your arms or thighs.

 But you know what’s really stopping me? It’s not that hard of guess so your first option in correct.

 You Gabe.

 The only reason I haven’t decorated my arms or thighs yet is because of the disappointment I might get from you because I know Molly or Lexie or hell even Roman might tell you about it. But I can’t bring myself to relieve some stress or pressure because I know you’d be so disappointed in me. And even the idea of that hurts more than you completely what feels like abandonment. Just the fucking idea of you being disappointed hurt more than ever motherfucking thing I’ve said so far in this 10 page tangent. So let that sink in you ass. Let that sink in.

 And I can’t even tell people that I have those blades in my room because they’d instantly take them away and I need some kind of presence from them. It’s disturbingly calm to have them near me. I want to tell someone about it but then there’d be hell to pay for it because I’d be endangering myself. And maybe one day I’ll send this to you, because it’s only going to grow every day as this year passes. I have a year to rant and scream and type and yell and cry on this thing I’ve created to help with you.

 I have no doubt that I have the balls to send this to you because you and I both know that it’d be hella impulsive and I’m amazing at being impulsive at all the wrong times for all the wrong reasons. You and I both know that more than anyone else. And that should scare you like it scares me right now. Everything is getting so out of hand for me, and I know it’s my own damn fault, that I’m about to go and tell my mother that I might need to up the dosage on my anti-depressant. And I’m already taking 200mg a day and I’m not that big of a person in the weight department. So me upping it kinds scares me.

 9:44pm

 Well I just had a complete and utter meltdown in front of my mom about this, kind of. Um but what I can confirm is that I’m probably not going to do a lot more on the college front. And I meant what I said when I said that college isn’t for everyone a lord knows everyone in the fucking horse industry says it’s a waste of time unless you’re a vet. I mean a complete meltdown. And I’d finally admitted the X-acto knife thing. I told myself I wouldn’t tell her but I think to get the point across I may have had to.

 But there I was, crying in kitchen trying to make myself coffee explaining to my mom that even professionals in my own goddamn industry are saying a degree with horses is a waste of money with a few exceptions. I’m still trying to please my dad because I know how hard it’s going to be to convince him that college isn’t really what I need. Yes, I’ll still take online classes and get an associate’s but honestly, college was simultaneously the best and worst thing to have ever happened to me. In high school, I’d never gotten as close as I did to killing myself as I did in college. Freshman year I had fucking Syd drive me to the hospital so I could put myself on suicide watch. Granted we got there and just sat for a while to make sure if that was really what I wanted because I wouldn’t be able to go back if I did.

 I just realized I haven’t even had a proper cry about everything. The last one was when I called Molly but that was back in like April or something. But I haven’t had the proper cry.

 I’m talking bawling like a kid with tears and snot and red eyes all the works of a serious cry. I haven’t had one in months and I’m genuinely impressed with myself. Now is that a good thing given everything that’s happened? Not even fucking close. And I don’t know what to do anymore Gabe. I really don’t and I just don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I wouldn’t be a college dropout or maybe I would be considered as such.

 12:14am

 I am utterly exhausted now. I can’t tell if my stomach hurts form a lack of food or stress or both. I don’t eat when I get stressed enough, and I ran today so I used up a little more energy and I need a little more. But I didn’t much for dinner. Maybe 2 pieces of pizza? Nothing since and that was around 5 or so.

 But I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, everything. I am so tired Gabe I don’t think you understand how much this time. Sure, I’ve stayed up later than this doing actual work but I was never in this type of mental stage. I’m finally listening to something other than The 1975. But my stomach hurts and I can’t bring myself to get up and get food. I don’t want to, not because I think I’m fat or anything, but because I can’t. I can’t find the drive or motivation or need to get up even though food is required to live.

 I’m on tumblr right now. And most of the blog’s I’ve been following for 5 years now, seem to know that I’m having a shite time right now and there’s a constant stream of hilariously tragic yet content posts about everything; life and love to name a few. But my eyes hurt, my stomach is making sounds, my hands are getting sore along with my back.

 I can’t sleep right now. Or maybe I can but I’m prolonging it. I’m listening to Landon Austin’s cover of that Sam Smith song. So till tragic, but it’s not The 1975. My eyes hurt so much right now I need to sleep but if I’m being honest, I don’t want to sleep. Sleeping means dreaming and dreaming means anything can happen. And I don’t want anything, I want definitive. But alas I never seem to get what I truly want when it comes to certain things.

  Bekah may have helped me get a job. And a real job in my field, not a temporary thing for me to do until Hartpury; which I don’t know if I’m going to end up attending. I’m making a pros and cons list of college vs. working student life. But my eyes are really starting to hurt so going to bed might be the best thing. I’ll type some later. Good night and I really hope you’re having a ball in Iceland.