#i understand universal grammar i understand the concepts and ideals behind it. i dont understand how anyone can be like omg so true!

[irlnikeiyomiuri]

and for a very mentally blissful four weeks, i was so caught up in not thinking about current debates on how language is acquired and etc, that i forgot i live in a world where noam chomsky exists

[everything-after-childhood]

brief outlines of my (dysfunctional) (sex) life

i just wrote this e-mail... and i think its relevant to other personal rants of mine i published here. so here we go...

“its past and i dont live in past - but it could be interesting and useful for you to see where i am coming from. much like everything else in my life the whole sexuality too was tainted by them psychological problems that i didn't really notice/understand/address/grasp/face throughout various times. (up until the point they hit me so hard there was no going away)them troubles are linked to some genetic predispositions and family setting that was faaar from ideal. my parents are both broken people who are suffocating each other and could not give me any useful knowledge about how to face life (or even relationships) in a healthy ways. they were and are loving me (in their dysfunctional ways) so at least i got that going for myself. but i was pretty much doomed to be struggling from the point of my conception. :) - not blaming my parents (anymore) and i have great relationship with both of them nowadays. i wasn't really in touch with the psychological&psychiatric medical system that much and the labels that were given me at some point do not seem to be sticking for life (doing some serious growing too) - well, this too will be talked about in great depth at some other time social phobia - always was a big topic for me - its always so easy to see it clearly in retrospective. :) this was manifesting in both the typical avoiding social interactions manner and also by developing this cool persona of how i think world wants to see me and hiding the true scared iris (who in early childhood came to the conclusion of not being good enough) behind it. mind is clever - protecting itself like this... but it cant work out in longterm. i had first sexual encounter at age of 16 with a guy (11 years older then me and at that time i thought how adult and wise he is - hahaha) who i had crush on since i was 14. summer camp love. :D i was naive and in love and when it came to things... i just thought its socially expected from me to have sex and i that dont have a real say in that. and that was when that pattern of saying yes while meaning no developed for me. (writing this i also just realized that one of key features of that past iris persona was being really mature (for a 16 y o anyway)  so she found herself stuck in not being able to sharing those natural fears with anyone from that position) at age of 17 daddy issues kicked in stroooong with me so this whole cycle was repeated many many many times. not pursuing relationships but having many one nigh stands or so... (when i ofc fell in love with every person who even talked to me) wanting to be rescued, being clingy, unhappy and deriving my sense of self from those encounters. loads of alcohol was included too - i mean... my anxious ass could not possibly have sex sober. and i was still magically unaware of all this... :) apropos: legal age of having sex in czechia is 15, legal drinking age is 18 (but as alcohol is big (and cheap and accessible and tolerated wildly and not seen as that dangerous) here) teens typically start drinking at 16. - so pretty standard development in comparison to my peers - just to put it into context so there was sex. there was this enjoyment of having power. there was this enjoyment of making the partner happy (- thats a big one and not dysfunctional one). there was this anxiety fought back by drunkenness. there was close to nothing of pleasure for me. and there was no true iris involved in this process... there were few good men that went through my life (interestingly none of them were czech) but that did not change anything as all this was only one symptom of much deeper laying issues. bit more facts: after high school (classical 8 years grammar school) i went to study psychology at university. i did not come back for 2nd year because of hahaha - depressive episode and debilitating social phobia. i spent that summer working and traveling in US and i knew i dont struggle with life half as much when abroad so i took my last money and ran away to ireland - briefly did an au pair job and then lived amongst jolly, artistic and alcohol loving irish people who saw this lovely foreign young girl with no money and no place to stay so given how kind that nation is (and how kind people who know what its like to have nothing are) they took care of me. after a year i landed a job of being a day-to-day companion to this posh 90 years old lady in a wheelchair (not her social worker or a nurse), i wanted to study college and get a degree in social work and never to return to czech. and then full blown depressive episode hit me. and not knowing what to do i returned to my parents house and somehow got that soul sucking office job of mine where i am for 3 years now. there was more of ignoring reality, self-medicating with alcohol and now also weed and so... till having the massive nervous breakdown in may 2016. i went through a year long phase of hiding in my room and not communicating with outside world and then this summer... i had enough. it suddenly became less painful to change everything then to continue being the same, i like to say that i had near-death experience spread into 12 months - but in effect it was no less life transforming then the standard one moment version. the true and real iris i kept in some dark cellar since childhood is now finally living the life. it seriously feels like looking at reality for the first time ever. its wonderful, freeing feeling and i am glad that all that suffering and fuck ups happened to me so i could start living at age of 24. i mean... to many people this doesnt happen ever. i also liked to joke that by having stagnation in early twenties i am preventing mid-life crisis or a sorry death. i am done being a victim, i am done feeling inadequate and like not being good enough, i am done not taking full responsibility for my life. anyhow i stopped fucking around 2 years ago. around that time i also discussed the fact of not experiencing orgasm ever in my life with various friends of mine. as a result i received a vibrator as birthday gift to figure it out. :) all (but one and a tiny one) orgasms of my life were caused by me and there was no one to witness them. emerging from all that bullshit this autumn i realized i dont feel like having casual sex. so the journey of learning about my body by myself continues. and its just great. i mean, the progress is wonderful and there is still much more to be gained. i always knew i (will) love sex and its important as hell to me. and i am still on that journey to have that great sexual relationship of my life (because i think person only needs one when its THE one - thats just a feeling, not a rule i set for myself - fuck rules - there is no control to be had over life - i tried to be in control for 24 years and look what it brought to me - hahaha.) romantic ideas about THE one... but could not be further from that need of being rescued sense. - am i making sense? am i making sense? :) oh, right, and the importance of that sex website of ours... it both helped me a loooot and i also perpetuated some of those old patterns there - nothing is really black and white. so me letting myself to be shy, nervous yet open, excited and playful - i hope its much clearer to you now - is a big step in a good direction. ofc this is just general outlines that lack nuance but we have to start somewhere.

  this is me. :)”