#i try to remember what lif was like long ago etc etc

[goingtothebes]

tMG tour shirts, new and old.

[kimlisby]

I’m Awesome and You Are Too

This fall I was at the park with my daughter who made a little friend a couple years older than her. She was probably about 4. She asked her if she wanted to play, what they should do, followed her, helped her up the ladder, etc.  My daughter is newly 2. When it was time for that little girl to go, she came over to say goodbye to Adelaide and said to me, “your daughter is pretty awesome. I’m pretty awesome too.”  And then she ran off. The spunk she had has stuck with me. Later that day I began to ponder.. at what age do we decide we are no longer awesome? Or do we start to compare ourselves? Too many women feel that need to tear each other or ourselves down, instead of lifting each other up. What are we teaching our children, especially our girls, about what it looks like to love themselves with a humble spirit and kind heart toward others? At what age does comparison and insecurities start to creep in? I was reminded how those are learned behaviors, AND I don’t want my girls to learn from me! Because we can’t give our children what we don’t have, but we will give them what we do. So how as an adult do I eradicate those thoughts myself?

Several years ago I heard that quote that we can’t give our children what we do not have ourselves and it shook me to my core. I wasn’t even a mother yet! Meaning, if we aren’t confident, we can’t instill confidence in our children. If we lack faith, passion or humility, our children will likely lack them as well. It’s not always what’s taught, it’s what’s caught. That’s why we sometimes hear our parents coming out of our own mouths as adults! That doesn’t mean those are qualities are children can never possess, but they would need to learn them on their own at an age mature enough to have the self awareness to do so. This quote has stuck with me for years. It has actually brought me to tears thinking about more times than once. The deep responsibility it has given me to be my best self I took seriously, even before I was a mom. And of all things, now being the mother of girls, I see why that quote rooted in me so deep.

On my daughter’s first birthday, I attended a woman’s conference where the speaker, a woman I deeply respected, spoke truth directly in my soul. I was so grateful, because the choice to leave her on her birthday weighed heavy on me. I hear her words almost daily where she said, “your daughter will have a hero, it might as well be you.” Wow, no pressure right! We as moms put enough on ourselves and I know I will be far from perfect in parenting. In Jen Hatmaker’s book Of Mess & Moxie she shares how we should strive to know that we will get it right 80% of the time and the other 20% we will either ask forgiveness for, our children will laugh about when they are older or we can save for their future counseling because “mama tried.” Yet, the responsibility is still there, as a parent, to learn from our mistakes, offer ourselves and others grace, while trying to be the best you. This will continue to be a journey, battle rather some days, but one I’ve been aware of at least 7 years before having my first born. So, here are a few conclusions I’ve come to from examining life’s situations, my best form of study.

Be aware. It is so easy to walk through life with little self awareness. I did for years. I lacked depth and the ability to honestly look inward and access what is truth and what isn’t. Yes, some of that comes with age; I know very few self aware middle schoolers. Yet, I also know many an adult far older than I that still lack a healthy dose of self awareness. It is a conscious effort. And many recent studies will even suggest the best leaders are those who have a high emotional intelligence, meaning they are self aware. They are aware of how their actions affect others. They are empathetic enough to put themselves in another’s shoes, and truly feel what that person may be going through. They are humble enough to admit wrong doing, ask for forgiveness and seek out where they still may be blind. They are open to feedback, approachable and good listeners. They are willing to dig deep in their past to figure out what their triggers are, seek healing and actually change their behaviors. Wow, that sounds like not only a great leader, but a great parent, friend and spouse! That is the goal, though we miss the mark from time to time, the goal is to be AWARE enough to know where we might be lying to ourselves to justify a certain behavior and open to change. If I was not aware of my insecurities, how could I possibly do anything to bring more confidence and truth to those areas? Which brings me to my next thought…

Don’t compare. Comparison is the thief of joy. It puts us on a cycle that will either elevate ourselves or deflate someone else. Both are equally unhealthy. I did not have a sister growing up and neither did my mom. The entire sister dynamic is a confusing concept to me. With my first born having such a bold personality, I’ve worried about her younger sister, if wired more timid, will grow up feeling like she’s living in her shadow. It is something I am already praying against and strategizing for! If they are both equally as bold, I need your prayers! But I feel that God spoke to my heart reminding me of how we all are wired uniquely and specifically different, for a reason. No one’s gifts are better than anyone else, they are just strengths to do different things. And the best thing I can do as a parent is to affirm the unique gifts of both of my girls. It is never a comparison, always an affirmation. With that, even in moments where my wounded child retreats to me about a hurtful comment at school, I will strive to not cut anyone down to build her up. I have done it myself in cheering up friends. To make them feel better, you cut down the actions or attitudes of others. To children, that is teaching them to compare.  Because especially as women, we can do a better job building each other up. I’ve heard before that a rising tide raises all boats. Lifting up someone else’s gifts does not diminish ours, it only does when we compare. I say all of this coming from a pretty consistent pattern in my youth of tearing people down in my head, to make me feel better about myself. It is just a lie if we think we can live that way in our minds and not live out a judgmental spirit in our words and actions too. A life lesson I am still working on daily.  In the world of reality TV, social media, etc.. it can sometimes seem too difficult a task to not compare what comes so naturally to others. But remember, it’s just a glimpse of all the best parts we choose to show, we all have our own battles, no one’s got it all together, all the time.

Receive compliments and generously give them. How many times has a compliment from a stranger brightened your entire day? And how often have you complimented a stranger? Or, how many times have you disqualified a comment given to you? Many years ago, not feeling confident in my own body, mostly because my expectation was perfection, my husband told me I looked nice or something and I laughed, made a yeah right face and then moved on feeling worse about whatever it was that he complemented. Thank God for bringing me that man, because he sat me down and explained to me about how it hurt his feelings when I didn’t just receive his compliments and say thank you. From then on, I made a conscious effort to not only not scoff off whatever he was saying, but to receive it as truth. Why do we so often think that when we are complimented we need to discredit it? We tell people who compliment our dress how long it’s been in our closet, isn’t the size we had hoped to buy or how cheaply we purchased it. When someone asks if we’ve lost a few pounds, we tell them how far we are still from our goal or where we used to be, instead of just saying thank you and feeling genuinely proud of how far we’ve come. I’ve tried challenging my friends to do the same when I complement them, to simply say thank you because of the profound difference it has made in my confidence over the years. And more than that, I try to speak out loud the affirmations I think in my head. When a friend has a great quality we notice, we should tell them, because it is probably diminished in their eyes. One of my favorite exercises we do at every Stacy James, my Mary Kay mentor, event is to genuinely compliment the person next to us with only the response of saying thank you. And when the other person gives a compliment the receiver is suppose to say “you are so right.” What a beautiful practice in learning to receive and give compliments! The exercise brings women to tears every single time we do it. Mostly, I think it’s because it is so rare to receive a genuine compliment about who you be (not what you do or look like), looking in each other’s eyes and saying thank you. She shared how she learned that exercise at a parenting conference where they taught parents to take their child’s face in their hands each day before school, look them in the eyes and say something affirming about who they are. Wow, how powerful if we not only did that daily to our children, but to ourselves and others!

Bottom line is, to all the women reading this, I guess men too, I think you’re awesome. And God thinks you’re pretty awesome too, He created you to be exactly you with unique makeup that only you possess, to do only the things you can do. And your awesomeness doesn’t take away from mine or anyone else’s, it actually causes it to be more awesome when we are working with each other instead of against. Don’t beat yourself up masking it as humility. Don’t guilt or shame yourself into why you aren’t perfect because as it turns out, none of us are. And forget how powerful a positive comment can be to someone else. When you have little children, you are their hero, their life, their world. Work to be the best you, free from self condemnation, full of the awareness of truth in your life to be a role model of a healthy identity and appropriate expectations. Because you can’t give your children what you don’t have (emotionally, mentally, relationally), but you will give them what you do.