#i truly cannot capture how absolutely weird and nerve wracking this conversation was LOL

[oflgtfol]

every time i think about british “people” i remember this one baffling occurrence from fall 2019 and the guy wasn’t even british

imagine you’re me. some awkward kid, two months into your first semester of college, barely 18 and with the baby face of a 14 year old

it’s exactly one week before halloween, but halloween festivities have already begun. in fact, there is a halloween walk being held in the basement of the main food court on campus

it’s about 7pm and you’re currently sitting in said food court. you’re eating pasta while on your laptop trying to do homework. you’re sitting at an otherwise empty table pushed against one of the walls next to an outlet

unfortunately, all the other outlet tables are taken and filled

some dude comes up to you

“can i sit here?” he asks, indicating the seat across from you. “i need the outlet for my phone”

awkward as you are, you say yes. you expect that the two of you will sit in awkward silence until one or the other leaves. that’s fine by you

That is not what happens.

he sits down. he does not plug anything into the outlet. he stares intently at you even as you avert your eyes back to your laptop screen. the word document open for your assignment is blank. you type gibberish to make it seem like you’re busy but not a single coherent word comes out of you. he continues staring.

"so how old are you?" he asks. you tell him your age. "oh cool. actually i just graduated this spring. they asked me to come back to give a presentation" he tells you.

he asks you what your major is. you tell him you're majoring in astronomy. he mentions something about how there are actually a ton of important british astronomers. a weird comment to make, but you smile and feign interest out of politeness. you continue to type gibberish into your word document. your pasta sits uneaten beside you.

he asks you a lot of small talk questions. somehow you wind up telling him that you're taking a linguistics class, and how you actually really want to learn german one day. he asks you why and you tell him it's because your family is from germany.

"oh really?" he says, totally invested in the conversation. "my family is actually british."

trying to be polite and seem as engaged as he is, you ask him when his family came to the united states.

"the early 1800s"

from here on out, he talks to you as if you are actually german, as if you were born in germany and not New York, USA. he talks about britain as if he is actually british, even though he speaks in a very clear Plain American Accent and his family arrived literally over 200 years ago

he talks about british history as if brits invented literally everything ever. something about the industrial revolution, something about the world owing every technological innovation to britain. he speaks in a very serious voice. he means every word he says.

you continue typing gibberish into your empty word document. you spend half the time looking blankly at the screen as a subtle way to signal your disinterest in the conversation. he still won't stop talking about how great britain is. this goes on for over an hour.

you look around the room for help. everybody is having fun with their friends. nobody notices your distress. your ability to be a wallflower is now working against you.

there's a lull in the conversation.

he asks you what music you listen to. you mention a few bands - conspicuously all US american bands. you don't notice at first, until he says "i personally can't listen to american musicians, actually. american art, music, and writing is so unoriginal. not like british art, though. the english language was born in england so they have a much richer understanding of the language and have been speaking it for thousands of years. americans are so disconnected from the english homeland that everything is boring and regurgitated"

somehow, he has just insulted your taste in music in the most confusing way possible.

you smile awkwardly and mutter something like "oh?" because you genuinely have no idea what the fuck he's talking about and you really regret letting him sit with you

"americans have always loved british art, too" he adds. "like how all the girls went wild for the beatles. american girls always love a british man." he delivers that last line in a weird tone of voice. he stares at you intently.

suddenly your palms are sweaty not out of awkwardness but out of genuine paranoia. you type gibberish onto your word document. nobody else in the room comes to your aid.

the moment passes. he starts talking to you about halloween. he asks you if you're doing anything for the rest of the night.

"there's a halloween event in the basement, if you're interested," he says nonchalantly

being alone with him at all - nevermind in the dark, isolated basement of this building - sounds like a fucking nightmare.

"sorry i can't go, i really have to do homework" you say. you type some more gibberish. your hands are shaking.

"oh. that's a shame"

five minutes of idle conversation later, he finally starts packing his things.

"it was nice talking to you" he says and walks away

literally what the fuck was all that

you leave three minutes later to make sure he can't come back to find you again