#i tried 'bisexual' for a long time and it fit mostly? because the bi-cycle was a comfortable kind of ambiguity

[dorianbrightmusic]

trying to label your sexuality is the weirdest process. you can trudge through the whole basket, flinging 'gay', 'bi', 'ace', and every microlabel from the box, folding each pair, trying each – and they all fit sometimes, but none look quite right. and you try the microlabels, the split-attraction model, and when you've cleared out half the box, you can see the greater nametag on the box itself, and it's simply called 'queer'. and you don't like this, because it's ambiguous, and in a cishet, allosexual, amatonormative society, sexuality is meant to be approachable, comprehensible, easy to dissect and taxonomise, right? and you try, and you try, and you try, and somehow, the certainty of each other term is just too heavy to wear comfortably. and you feel like a whole shredded family reunion full of names that don't fit.

till one day, you lay your hands on the queer box, because as much as its strange shape is terrifying, you've kept coming back towards it. you thought you craved its contents, but maybe it's the box after all. and you pick it up, and it takes on fifty different guises in the time it takes you to lift it to your chest, and eventually, it settles on some gorgeous amorphous shape. and you know it fits around your shoulders, and while you can't tell quite what it is, it's beautiful, it's beautiful, and it's free.

sometimes, labels are extremely useful. and at the same time, when the overlap is too complex, the fluidity too difficult to let settle, it's most beautiful to take on the word 'queer', in all its strange unapproachability and odd colours and forms, its inherent imperfection, its gorgeous shades—yes, yes, yes, to be ambiguous, to be an oddity, a proud and gorgeous oddity—yes, this is the joy of being queer.

[scaryorganmusic]

give me all your sam headcanons please?

Oh god, wanting to hear me talk about Sam Winchester is my love language, how did you know? isdgfhpsergh

I spend most of my time running a cycle of incoherent thoughts about this boy (gender neutral) and now that someone actually asked to hear it I'm brain empty iusdfheighiueh but I'll try to make a little list with what comes to mind

Okay, starting with gender and sexuality -  like many sam girls and queer!sam truthers, i just think that yes, they're a lesbian woman, yes, they're a gay man, yes they're LGBT (all of them) - but lately I'm more into non-binary, he/they, bisexual Sam

I can go on all day about the queer allegory in Sam's narrative in seasons 1-5, but I feel like it would be especially fitting for non-binary Sam. Especially considering the times and circustances he grew up in, it would take a long time before he could name his feelings towards gender, so it contributes to that constant sensation that something is wrong and that he can't be the son his father wants. Even more so with a brother that (even if for his own repressed reasons) at least seems to effortlessly embody the ideals of masculinity that he knows he can't achieve (and maybe doesn't want to after all).

His first times coming out are in his last years of high school, especially since his brother is no longer attending school with him. He figues they'll move again in a couple of weeks anyways so who cares if people know. It's extremely liberating at first, but especially heartbreaking when, instead of the aggression and hate he was expecting, he finds a supportive and friendly group of people, and knows he'll never see them again. (that's the first time he considers running away, staying behind in that town, but Dean finds him packing his stuff at night and convinces him not to. John never knows about it).

Since they couldn't really surround themself with a community of other LGBT people at first, they find a bit of refuge at the local libraries. Whether it's queer theory or gay romance novels, that's what keeps them company for a while.

When he goes to college,  he is hesitant to seek out LGBT spaces at first, because this time he's not moving in a few weeks, this time it's supposed to be lasting, and he doesn't really know how to deal with that. Jess is also bi and is the one who encourages him in engaging with the community.

After their conversation with the English teacher from the Afterschool Special flashback, they take an interest in writing fiction. Well, most people would consider it fiction, but just like the werewolf story a lot of it comes from things they’ve seen. Their writing journal is kept with a lock and key, and every bit of the pages that isn’t written on is doodled on. Jess is the first person they show it to, it's a little way they can find of sharing the hunting part of their life with her without actually revealing the secret.

He develops a thing for body modification as a way to assert his autonomy over himself and his own body. It starts with pierced ears, that he'll mostly cover with his hair, but loves to know it's there. Soon he gets his first tattoo, a bit hidden as well. When he leaves for college, he gets a couple of facial piercings to comemorate he's no longer in a line of work where getting punched in the face is an expected reoccurence. Whenever he gets in a big fight with Dean, or hears yet another demon or angel go on about what he is, whenever he needs to feel in charge of himself again, he runs to the nearest tattoo shop. Something about the pain feels comforting too. His back piece is done after coming back from the hell cage.

He was a big fan of Percy Jackson (yes, I am aware of how old he was when the books came out, that's when he read them and he was a big fan)

He vapes and tries weird vape flavors (I am aware I've made a text post about it before but it's still true)

They listen to Hole and that whole 90s generation of female-led grungy rock bands

Runs a demoncore blog (I kind of shitposted about this but lowkey the thought of them sharing the cool little demon illustrations they find during research for cases is kind of cool okay)