#i told myself id hold off to treat myself until my birthday but thats like 4 months away

[chiimeramanticore]

i looked into one of those sites recently where u can get a refurbished phone for cheaper than market price and found a phone i wanted that has a headphone jack AND an sd card slot and has like 256gb storage anyway for only $150 and then they were like "hey we can buy your old phone off you too" and i did their quiz thing to find out how much my current phone would be worth and it was like $190 and for the last two days ive had to stop myself from trading my phone in for an objectively better one and still making like $40 off it bc holy shit

[issa-me-addy]

I don’t follow you but I saw your post on being open to people telling you things so here I am lol. been crying for the last hour or so bc I feel lonely. I don’t have a gf, my past friendships are just not the same so I feel like I can’t go to them, my mom and dad are emotionally unavailable, and I miss my coworkers. they were like my best friends/family. I haven’t seen or talked to them in forever and I don’t even know what to do with myself. ffs this feels worse than depression crying does

hi anon!!

i'm glad you got this off your chest n i know that you said i didnt have to respond BUT this felt like a great time for me to OVER SHARE ON THE INTERNET which is like kind of my thing B). long story short tumblr has never really been my jam so a lot of my oversharing was done on twitter and priv ig acc but i realized that those platforms are super overwhelming and honestly heavily centered by “fame”, how liked you are, popularity bULLSHIT and so i came on here to get away and really focus on and immerse myself in the things i enjoy and it just so happens that at the same time i finally share my blog with two of my very best friends and i thats a very nice segway (?) to the real reason i wanted to reply! i'm currently 20 and i grew up a super social kid and i always had a lot of friends id get teased when i threw birthday parties cos of the amount of ppl id want to invite, my aunts and uncles would always poke fun at how popular i was but truth be told is by 14 y/o i started losing friends because i starting figuring out who i was and standing up for the things i believe in, ive been progressively losing friends for the last 6 years because of differing opinions and morals, between Dec 2018 and Aug 2019 i lost three of my all time best friends because they did things that hurt me and i just had to suck it up and remove them from my life because i was sick and tired of holding onto friendships solely because of history and being scared of loneliness (one of these best friends was LITERALLY my hs bestie who became my college roommate and i had to live with her for like 3-4 months where we lived in a tiny room but barely talked) and truth be told it was HARD losing friends is hard especially for a person like me and being alone has always been a huuUuuUuuUUUge fear of mine. I always had so many friends because i felt like i had to 1) be liked in general and 2) compensate for the lack of romance in my life 

BUT ANYWAYS my point is that the people i consider to be my very best friends are literally people from middle school (people who i'm actually on ft with as im typing this despite the fact that i wasnt all that close to them in high school at all and didnt truly reconnect until college/quarantine) and i don't say this to rub it in or make you feel more lonely but to just emphasize that it happens, people come and go and relationships fail and some are even reborn, but at the end of the day there are people that love you (I LOVE YOU!!) there are times where it feels like you're completely and utterly alone and its going to hurt but i managed to find a way to use it as a reminder to hold on and put in the extra effort to cherish the people i do have in my life. 

i know you don't follow me and i don't know if my blog is really your jam LOL its a real shit show BUT if you ever need to talk more, know that i'm here!! you’re free to follow and mute just so we can msg or you can keep dropping anons or you can leave our interaction here where it is. i know i didnt really give advice but i hope you find reassurance and comfort in knowing YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! YOU ARE LOVED!!! THIS DUMBASS BITCH CALLED ME THINKS YOU’RE ONE OF THE WONDERS OF THE WORLD AND I CARE SO DEEPLY ABOUT YOU!!! 

take care of yourself and more than anything love yourself through it all! you have just as much to offer the people around you as they give to you. you are valuable and amazing and i hope you treat yourself as such!!! (also eat and drink water if you havent already!) 

[alex-in-wonderlandd]

Honestly i wish i could disappear. I feel so fucking useless and im a complete ass CLOWN for thinking that you fucking care about me still when you dont. At all. And it hurts. Its almost as of overnight you fucking just. Stopped. Why? I dont understand? Just a few days before you got angry with me for something as trivial as waking you up. We were completely fine, if not more than that. It really seemed like it was that “head-over-heels” type of love. And you want to know why i think that? Because you fucking told me it was that. I dont think you remember at all though. The little things you would say to me while you were half asleep in my room.

And you say you left because its whats best for both of us. Thats not true. You dont know whats best for me and my happiness at all. Its not a decision for you to make. You only care about yourself. And i guess that i didnt make you happy enough and i was a tie you had to cut. But im not allowed to be upset over that am I? It seems to you that im not supposed to allow myself to be sad and grieve. But it also seems like i would be marked as a whore andca bitch if im happy and trying to move on right? (Dont worry. Im not though.)

I wanted you to be happy i really did but. Now i think i want you to hurt. Because you shattered me. And you know you did. And now you’re picking up the pieces from the mess youve created of me and stronging them along a frayed red thread thats tied not to your little finger like in the old Japanese folktales. But to your ego.

Honestly fuck you for saying that you love me and that you dont want this break between us to be permanent. Fuck you for saying that you’re probably going to come back. Fuck you for saying that you care about me and that you’re still always going to be here for me. Because you know what. I was drowning that week and when i tried to approach you about it, i was suddenly inconsiderate and it was the last straw for you or whatever and you? Left? Me? During my time of need.

And god i cant even tell you how your selfish timing fucked me over. Not only did you make me drive all the way across town so you could break up with me in person and waste my time, but you really had to do it to me right before my big finals. Before my first shift with my new promotion at work that same night. And roght before summer. So i cant even distract myself with school or friends because everyone is busy with their summer classes, traveling, or work. The 3 friends i do have cant always be there. And i dont even get the opportunity to attempt to make more.

And whats even shittier is the fact that im stupid enough to believe that you’re going to check up on me like ive been checking up on you. I dont know why ive been so fucking nice to you when all youve done to and for me is break my heart, and then get mad at me after we broke up for asking for a little more clarity as to why. You get in my face and tell me that im not listening to you. I am fucking listening but it dosent make any sense?

Seriously how does that make any sense?

“Im breaking up with you because i love you”

What?

No you dont. You obviously dont.

And you shouldn’t have lied about it.

Because all that did was confuse me and hurt me more and here we are a little over two weeks later and i think the wound thats bleeding tonight is deeper and bloodier than the original cut you made when you cut me off.

But it dosent even matter because im not allowed to be hurt over our breakup am i? I bet you the second that i go out with another male friend thats not a safe boy like matthew or will or my two male friends at work or someone you see as a “threat” you’re gonna get all butthurt because im trying to “move on” or whatever right?

Why do you care? Its not like im going to throw my superego out the window and give into some carnal instinct that kicks in and fuck the first guy i see to get over you. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want. But even if it were, you dont get tobe angry about it because you were the one who left me. You ask if im seeing anyone new the few times weve talked. You claim you’re just trying to “check on me and my life” but quite frankly asking me that one week after we break up at 11:00 at night because i “seem like im doing fine and having fun with my dudes” seems more like an attack.

But did i let it slide? Yeah.

Why did i let it slide?

Because im a fool for still being in love with you and fucking myself up over it.

and you know what else? I dont even know what to do with your things. I have a trillion photos of us. I have your clothes; a hoodie, 3 shirts, your belt, and strangely enough a pair of your boxers. I remember you brought an extra pair to disneyland the first time we went together and you let me wear them after my pants got soaked on splash mountain. I bet you don’t remember that though.

I have the chest you made me only a month ago on our one year. With the glass rose inside of it that you gave to me and insisted that you would love me until it broke. Well there dont seem to be any fractures so i guess that was just a lie too right? And i have the jar you made for me on my birthday with all the nice notes in it.

I packed them up the night before you left because i already knew in my gut what was about to happen, and when i presented them to you after the fact you cried. You told me to hold on to them just in case. And honestly i should have just threw them off an overpass. But i still have them. Because theyre too special to me to destroy because nobody has ever treated me as kindly as you have. (Until now i thought you were an angel. I really did.)

But i also cant stand to look at them without breaking down.

I really dont think youd be able to comprehend what youve done to me. Ive lost about 12 pounds in a 2 week period. Because i just feel absolutely sick to my stomach. And you know what? You made me throw up. In my 11 years of having nausea for what I thought was no reason up until senior year when i was diagnosed with anxiety and gastritis and emetophobia. Ive never actually thrown up unless i was sick with a stomach bug or on an airplane. But you... you made me throw up for the first time out of anxiety and heartbreak and panic. Despite all the drugs ive been doing to make myself feel better like the bottles of antacids and the cases of ginger beer and even prescription medication that was supposed to guarantee I wouldn’t vomit. I did anyway.

My stomach is flatter than it used to be. I remember you told me you would help me get my summer body and i was so excited at first. And you did help me get it. But my heart is broken and id rather have the food baby back and feel disgusted by my appearance and happy than looking fit and feeling...

How am i feeling?

Im a little bit depressed. Im a little relieved. Im nauseated, obviously. Im starving but i cant eat because two bites make me feel full even if im still hungry. Im angry. Im empowered though too because this has been hard for me and im still standing i guess.

But above all im feeling foolish because for some twisted, fucked up reason.

I still love you. And i miss you more and more each day.

Maybe im a masochist. I stayed with the actual spawn of satan for like 2 years. He hurt me. He disrespected me and my body for the longest time. He turned all my friends against me. I was so desperate to get out of that situation, but i didnt. I wanted to so bad. But i was so scared to leave. Maybe i do this to myself subconsciously because id rather be miserable in a relationship than alone.

But we weren’t miserable. We really weren’t.

You dont deserve my love anymore though. You practically cheated on me and i forgave you. You blew up and got angry at me for the smallest an most trivial matters like movie times and jokes in bad taste. I check on you still whenever you post something about wanting to disappear or feelig like crap. I check on you even when you dont post that stuff and ask you how your finals are going and if your family is doing ok.

And that makes me 🤡 of the day because I think that youll check on me too but you wont. Im drowning and you’re standing over me in a life raft just watching.

I just wish i could get closure.

But you know what? Actually i think i get it now.

I love you. But i need to get away from you.