#i told myself i was offline for the night bc I think i have a sinus infection but i love daisuke lol

[inanthesis]

sense  and  other  specific  headcanons

I will take any and all rare opportunities I get to talk about this bitch so let's go.

what does your muse smell like ? above all else Daisuke smells like an expensive cologne any normal person would pass out at the price of that has a woody scent with notes of exotic flora. it's pleasant on the nose and blends nicely with the high grade tobacco from his imported cigars and and the scent of leather from his bespoke accessories.

what do your muse’s hands feel like ? not as soft as one would expect from a blue blood who isn't often seen getting his hands dirty. years of boxing despite the great care he's put into his hands has left them rougher than he'd like and the burn scar covering a great deal of his right palm still feels tight and hard as it's only recently healed.

what does your muse usually eat in a day ? his breakfast for the most part is always determined by Suzue or his private chef and varies with whatever fresh ingredients are available. lunch can also be quite varied as during lunch he is often at work or out in the field with his partner who isn't inclined to want to visit a fancy restaurant and has tainted Daisuke's diet with konbini staples such as cheap sandos, instant ramen, and onigiri. dinner is when he'd prefer to lean into his expensive taste and make reservations at a high class restaurant, but if his partner invites him over or he feels inclined to show up on the man's doorstep, Haru's home-cooked dinner is his favorite every time.

does your muse have a good singing voice ? yes. along with his classical training in piano he had growing up he always enjoyed singing with his mother and has a lovely, deep voice.

does your muse have any bad habits or nervous ticks ? smoking and drinking. the smoking is self-explanatory as he always keeps cigars on his person and used to partake in other recreational substances but he did develop a drinking problem and turns to alcohol to cope with his turbulent emotions and trauma.

what does your muse usually look like/wear ? Daisuke will almost always be seen in dark, bespoke suits from designers only the ultra wealthy would recognize. none of those tacky luxury brands with names splashed all over their product that the average millionaire finds attractive, he's always put together in tailored outfits perfectly suited to his frame that compliment his handsome appearance. He also will always have his hair slicked back neatly when he's out with a bit of subtle makeup to highlight his baby blue eyes and hide any imperfections on his face as he is rather shallow and cares a lot about his appearance.

is your muse affectionate ?  how so ? nope, at least not toward just anyone. Daisuke is man who has always kept himself at a distance from others both physically and emotionally outside of a fling here and there. The only people who will ever experience his affection in any way, shape, or form will be Suzue and Haru but even with the former he still keeps a polite distance.

what position does your muse sleep in ? most of the time he sleeps in a fetal position, curled up under his covers to shut out the world as he only really sleeps once he's crashing after unhealthily long hours awake. nightmares and negative thoughts have plagued his sleep for twenty years and he's always found himself restless at night.

could you hear your muse in the hallway from another room ? nope. Daisuke isn't one to raise his voice much, most often speaking in a cool, calm demeanor. it's only if he really gets riled up you may be able to hear him shouting from another room but you're more likely in those instances to hear the yell of pain from whoever pissed him off because he's not shy about throwing a punch if he feels it's deserved.

tagged by: @primegrim tagging: steal it idk i'm ill atm

[frecklystars]

Wow, 32 asks. Thank you guys so much 😭😭 last night was one of the worst shifts I ever had at work. I feel like i keep reverting back to a year ago when everything was fresh. it's been extraordinarily difficult the past couple of months but it always eases the ache when I read nice messages. it genuinely calms me down a lot when other people tell me it's gonna be ok. so thank you to everyone who took the time to do that for me ;-;

I'm gonna be honest, I feel super hopeless. I am not getting joy from anything right now. Drawing, socializing, watching movies, listening to music, I'm feeling *absolutely nothing*. I am triggered by the SMALLEST fucking things that I thought I was getting better at handling. I'm having trouble wearing skirts again. I'm flinching around the color pink when I was doing SO much better with it. For the last nine days, I haven't gone three hours without having a panic attack. I'm not sleeping. My flashbacks are lasting longer. I'm having out of body experiences again for the first time in almost a year. I feel so hopeless. I told myself one year ago "hey I feel like I'm dying right now my ptsd is so fucking bad but! hey! one year from now, I'll feel better! this will feel so far away from me!" but I don't. I don't feel better. I don't think it's possible to feel better bc I'm too broken. It's been over a year and I don't feel like it's possible for me to make progress.

My Barbie/Ken anniversary is coming up and I was excited for the first couple of weeks, but right now I just... feel absolutely nothing. I am so, so, so severely depressed and my anxiety is getting worse every day. I need help out of my unsafe situation so fucking bad dude it's just gonna kill me. I'm so scared this whole thing is gonna genuinely kill me. I wish I could talk about it but I don't want to scare people but at the same time, it's so bad and it's weighing on me so heavily and I am so fuckign tired of dealing with this every single day

I don't know if I'm gonna go offline or not, bc my problem isn't even online. so... I don't see how being offline would help much. I just feel like I'm supposed to do SOMETHING, literally ANYTHING to feel something. Going offline last time made me feel significantly worse, so maybe that shouldn't be my next step. But I feel nothing when I'm blogging right now. I tried making a Jacob edit the other day and I felt no joy. I want to be filling up my queue for the 21st, all of my Barbie and Ken photos and gifsets. I should be writing Barbie and Ken love notes. I should be making video edits again! but I feel nothing!!! This is the one and only anniversary that actually matters to me this year - sorry to the other 12 Ryan F/Os who have anniversaries but THIS ONE is THE most important one, because these two characters are the F/Os that have helped me the most with my abuse trauma/cptsd. They're the whole reason why I started self shipping again. I want to celebrate that. I want to be excited about it. I am just so fucking numb.

I NEED to feel something for this anniversary, I miss celebrating F/O anniversaries! I don't get to do that anymore since self shipping was ruined for me! Since my main F/Os were ruined for me! I deserve to have a good time with my new F/Os!! I am a good person and I am kind despite all the bullshit I've been through and I work really hard to try to heal from shit! I try to stay positive and I try to help people and I!!! Deserve!! To have a day where I feel good with my F/Os without reliving every single horrifying vile thing that someone did to me! but I feel so empty right now and it hurts! I was excited a couple of weeks ago when I was planning all the activities i was gonna do on the 21st, like a restaurant and a movie and baking and throwing a party with my friends, but now?? Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING in my heart. I feel so goddamn empty. I am so depressed. I really really feel like I can't get better. It's been over a year and I am incapable of healing from my trauma and I don't know what to do about it. I am trying so many things to heal!! I'm going walking, I'm eating way healthier and cutting sugar to see if that helps clear my head a bit more, I'm getting sun, I'm drinking so much water, I'm exercising, I've cut my screen time significantly and reading more often, I'm hanging out with my friends as much as I can, I am trying everything in the book and I feel like a zombie just sitting here and rotting to death, going through the motions and reliving my trauma in my head over and over and over and over and over and over again and I can't get any fucking peace. It's like everybody in the world is living their days while the planet is spinning but I am stuck in the same spot reliving the most horrific bullshit imaginable over and over and over. I feel like I've lost almost 2 years of my life to trauma. I don't feel like I've aged, I feel like everything happened yesterday. I feel like I'm stuck in one spot while everybody else is walking forward and I can't move.

Sorry to ramble I didn't mean to turn this into a vent post but idk what else to do. I don't know if I should go offline on my actual anniversary or maybe a couple of days leading up to it?? Or maybe I'm supposed to BE online and blog about the F/Os to see if that helps me feel better?? Being offline made me feel worse. But being online isn't helping me either. Dude I don't fucking know. I need to work on some crafts or something. I need to make a BarbieLand diorama and paint it. I'm gonna bake heart shaped cookies for the first time this weekend. I'm gonna invite my friends over and we're gonna have a party on Sunday and watch the Barbie movie together. I don't know what else to do but I have to just... keep trying I guess even though I feel nothing while doing these things, it's better than doing nothing

If anyone has advice or something, it's more than welcome. Or even just a "wow, that's rough, buddy". I'm sorry for being negative, I try to remain positive on this hellsite but it's so hard right now. Thank you again to everyone who wrote me a nice message last night when I was hurting. I'm sorry I'm gonna probably be asking for encouraging messages a few more times in the next few weeks bc supportive messages are the only things that have been effectively (affectively?) helping me lately

[snowandnilio]

Js realized that my boy bsf has been offline for 5-something days. I'm js starting to miss him again-

If I told my 2ng gbsf then she would probably say that she know I "had a crush" on him and then say that I'm missing my "bf".

I honestly don't why. When I first met him last year on February 8 or 11, the next day me and him played a horror game together.

He did have a cool laugh and he was really funny and nice!

I may now understand why they ship me wit him-

Its bc I said those words in a random tone and they probably thought that I liked him- I mean-

He did sound quite kind and nice, and he was fun to roblox games with. Mostly he would play with his friends but he did text me back when I asked how he was.

I do quite miss him-

Not bc of his voice. But I do miss his company. My gbsfs would probably haunt me if they saw this- They'd keep torturing me with "I knew you liked him!" "I always knew you had a crush in him!" "I'm gonna tell jake that your cheating on her!" And other shit like that-

~{the part wher ether sya that their going 2 my gf that I'm "cheating" they never rlly do that.}~

I can't blame them. But I do blame myself- I said I'd never fall for him. But I only think it's a little bit of a crush. It'll go away anyway.

I know he'll come back online.

Also.

I was hearing noises in the living room and I put the only pick slipper I found on. Then my sock. Then walked to the noise and it was my dad, I scared him and he scared me-

I apologized and told him "goodnight, love you" Like I now normally do.

He has a bad heart, and his heart is aging faster then him- he has a heart of 60yearold. And he's only in 40's-

I do feel bad for him and have terrible thoughts- which often make me cry-

Wait-

Sorry- I'm js talking now-

Turns out I do write/talk to much- hey, go check my wattpad story! It's called "My life :)" I talk about what's happening or stuff I like or putting random pics and I have other stories if u wanna check them out! I may have put some mistakes in them but I hope that's okay-

Anyway. I'm gonna get some sleep now, Goodnight guys!

Have a wonderful day/night/evening and Stay Safe my darling snowflakes! *hugs*

[wigglesforsquiggles]

1-10 >:]

this is the second time i've had to type this bc as i finished tbis it got DELETED ;-;

1. what are 3 things you'd say shaped you into who you are?

uhh one is definilty when i discovered you tube for the first time and promptly got sent down a medical rabbit hole, leading to my intense fear of rabies, seeing a dedication video to a dead child by their parents who were convinced he was jesus incarnated (as in, actual jesus, not a metaphor for being an angel), and the little part of my brain that diagnoses me with every disease i learn about

another would be kneeling on the landing next to my sibling late at night, watching my parents watch tv. you could just about see into the living room from there, and we often snuck down the first set of stairs to watch tv once we were sent up to bed bc we were bored children and didn't want to sleep. i always felt to proud whenever we heard my dad stand up (he has knees that click like a horse) and ran upstairs giggling before he could catch us out of bed. looking back we obviously made a lot of noise and were definitely not as subtle as we thought

lastly i'll say getting lost in this museum when i was like 5. there was this mini gift shop half way through the museum and i got distracted with an etch-a-sketch (it was the first time i had seen one) and fiddled with it for a while (i was trying to figure out how it made lines), and then i looked up and i was alone in a massive room. i must have cried a little, but i stayed where i was and waited for my parents to find me (despite wanting to go further into the museum to find them), and eventually they came back for me :D i can't remember if i went to an employee and told them i was lost or not but it was very scary at the time

I just remembered what i put originally for one of the paragraphs so u get an extra one. one time i read the part of the huger games where Rue dies 3 times a day for a week to make myself cry just to prove i could. i can't tell you a reason past i would still do this today if i used my kindle more

2. show us a picture of your handwriting?

3. 3 films you could watch for the rest of your life and not get bored of?

i must confess i almost never rewatch anything - my ability to watch films ourside a cinema is almost non existent anyways lmao

the only time ive rewatched any film is The Old Guard where i needed to show it to all my friends but could only hang out w them on different days, leading me to watch the film 5 times over 2 weeks.

maybe i'll say the mama mia films bc ive only watched them w friends and it's just fun to sing along

4. what's an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

ok, do not question me with this but "arson" being a code word for incest

i will not explain more than telling you lockdown was a weird time and a conversation that starting with immortal fairies having dna lead to this

it's very funny thoigh when i randomly hear the word and this specific firend and i make eye contact, trying not to laugh at a joke only we know

5. what made you start your blog?

i saw so many tumblr posts screenshotted in instsgram, and i finally caved and got in on the action :D

6. what's the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

best - making friends :D i love being able to talk to people all over the world and just ask how they are and see their opinions. @ ing ppl on posts that make me think of them is an unmatched joy :D

worst - the discourse. i get upset rly easily and also am still working on my critical thinking skills so it's easy for me to get caught up in drama and let it affect me emotionally. i only rly. price it when im offline for a few days and go: wow i feel so normal

7. what scares you the most and why?

death, mostly. i used to stay up late at night and cry silently because i was so scared about not existing anymore. simply my mind being gone and not being able to do anything about it. but i just don't think about it anymore and it's all good :D

8. any reoccurring dreams?

like 30% of my dreams are reoccurring actually. all my dreams are incredibly vivid and nonsensical (more random plot points being put together like a game of madlibs more than anything else)

i guess i'll say the one about being stuck in a water parkour course in a pair, (with the aesthetic of fire bot and water girl) and finally climbing up a vine with my partner after being faster than everyone else, and getting to attend a lesson on how to have lesbian sex - in a room like my local gym (and worrying bc i wasn't out in this dream)

9. tell a story about your childhood

i got to play moshi monsters for the first time on my mums red laptop on the island counter at age 9 i think - but i had to stand up because my foot was in a blue container filled with salt water because there was a splinter the length and width of my pinky stuck in the bottom of it

i later went to a&e to get it taken out after a day because it took that long to convince me to go to the hospital (i was terrified of pain and medicine and wouldn't let anyone touch it). the doctor that saw me was very nice and used numbing spray (very cold) and got it out in under 5 seconds. to this day the only time ive been in hospital bar being a baby.

10. would you say you're an emotional person?

oh 100% - it's a meme amongst my friends at this point. i was assigned those greyhounds that jenna marbles has that look like they're crying all the time , for reasons you can guess

i also feel things very intensely, happiness anger and fear are all very overwhelming to me and it's only in the past few years ive been able to get them partly under control

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[survivormetaverse]

Episode 1 - "I know the game will pick up eventually" ~Shaad

chile lemme not get thrown out for making all these stan twitter bitch references I'M LICHERALLY HARMLESS I DON'T MEAN MOST OF WHAT I SAY DKJFHASJKLDG

~

ngl tho i'm kinda shitting myself over these challenges bc i don't wanna get tossed on the first round JKAHFSJKDGHJ my ant eye et tea is through the ROOF

~

oh girl, first impressions? ngl, the gays and girls here seem quite lovely, hopefully they won't have to carry me the entire time LMAO

Okay like the only person I like/talked to is Jodi but she seems like a smart cookie so ima sleep with one eye open. But idk I'm ready to put on my fake ass smile and my fake ass kind words and get through this part. It's interesting with 6 people per tribe like if we lose I don't have that solid "core" yet but theres a chance that it would be me, jodi, amy because we were the first three on and active so idk. the immunity challenge is cool, the hunt challenge is cool too. im not good at timed puzzles, so I don't think I'm gonna go for it but a part of me feels like everyone across the tribes isnt gonna do it becsuse theyre scared so thats a good opportunity to sneak in and play with less people against me? idk idk idk ahhh

🎶Oh my god we're back again🎶 Hey peeps!! :DDD Here I am againnnn, how fun! Tbh I forgot this was today lowkey and Dylan reminded me and I was like oop 😳 also I am so sorry to everyone that I cannot help but sprinkle the fact that we are now dating in all of my first convos bc IM VERY GAY apologies✨ for how often I'm mentioning it I mean 😂 My tribemates seems so cool, Jennifer and Babs are newbies but seem up to the challenge, Jay A and Colin already giving off immaculate vibes✨ Me and Dyl are hosting Ingary in a month and I do have like work and everything so I don't know exaclty how active I'll be in this game/ how far I'll make it but we'll see won't we!!

not me being a leader of whateva

~

it's the lack of reading comprehension for me (that was shade directed towards myself)

In the fools tribe !!! Moth is in my tribe which is good because we have played together before. The immunity challenge is divide and conquer! So I believe I will be doing the endurance one. I think I’ll be okay... and the hunt announcement is a good twist !!! I’m not sure if I’ll participate in the first one.. but I’ll probably change my mind. ANYWAYS, I’m ready to kick some ass 

Hey guys it's me Brayden and I am so here. I'm so excited to be playing again and stuff and I have already predicted the future that I'll be the winner. Anyways I was at an award ceremony for like the first 3 hours of the game which is kind of scary bc I feel like I missed alot but I'm trying to talk to people and stuff and see what's going on. I've briefly talked to Jodi, Amy, and Ginnifer (who is so hard to talk to btw I like send her messages trying to start a real conversation and she will just respond being like same or something). Anyways the other 2 people on my tribe are offline rn so ig I missed my chance to talk to them tonight so I'll do that tomorrow. Anyways I signed up to do counting and I'm so excited bc I literally KILLED the counting challenge on Kyoshi Islands so I'm so excited to hopefully kill it again. I also decided to play the hunt challenge even though I only have 3 chances bc I'm hoping alot of people will be scared to use one of their three chances to play in the first round and I can have a better chance of winning it. But I think I'm bad at puzzles. I didn't think it through that hard I think I got excited to play a challenge but whatever I'll probably win the advantage then in a few weeks win the whole game anyways see u later.

SO its the morning after the premiere!! Everyone's settled in!! and I kinda don't know how to feel?? Overall the premiere was kinda quiet, nothing happened worth noting tbh. Everyone on the tribe showed up, so thats good, but i think we're all just feeling each other out at the moment as for the people on my tribe! everyone seems chill but also i can't put my finger on it but SOMEHOW this tribe radiates chaotic energy. I don't know HOW or WHY but I just know it DOES. The way we're interacting in the tribe chat it seems like there's a very wide range of personalities and vibes. They're either gonna complement each other or clash, and I guess we're just gonna have to wait to find out which one!!! here are my quick night 1 first impressions that no one asked for :) Anastasia - she showed up kinda late bc she had life happening, understandable. BUT she kinda just jumped right in and started vibing with everyone!! so I think she's gonna be a strong social player. I talked to her and she seems really funny, I think I might really get close with her if I'm able to talk to her more Babs - IF our tribe does end up being chaotic, it's going to be because of Babs. They're definitely the most talkative and prominent person on the tribe, but I think they might come off as messy to others. they're really funny though!! so again I can see myself wanting to work with them if I can get to know them more. They are the biggest question mark on the tribe for me currently Elle - AH. I LOVE THEM ALREADY. Within minutes of us talking they mentioned Dylan and then I found out that they're DATING and I was SCREECHING. cutest shit i've ever heard. I'm so excited to meet and play with them. Dylan is one of my fave people in the org community so ofc I wanna get to know Elle and connect with them as well!! Jay - I think Jay seems like just a very genuine open person?? Like we talked for quite a while yesterday just about games and he was asking me questions about my experience with them and all that. idk if it's because he sees me as a threat or if its because he just actually wanted to get to know me. He lowkey gives me heterosexual vibes and idk if thats true or not but idk how to bring it up. but I def wanna keep talking to him and getting to know him!! I think he might be someone I can form a genuine friendship with Jennifer - kinda have no opinion so far. I think shes the quietest on the tribe. at least for me I didn't get the chance to hear from her much. kinda gives catfish vibes. kinda gives early boot vibes. idk. we'll see what happens!

Not too much yet tbh. Just finding my footing. People are loving my energy so hopefully they’ll keep me around

So i realized Amy is runner up from the season before mine in another org and so we connected over that... of course we are not going to tell anyone else but we did have that going for us to get started. brayden is only 16 but he told me he loves magic and wanted to learn more about it so i told him id teach him some stuff! dennis and i called and connected well BUT hes kinda playing SUPER hard and wanting to throw challenges already to vote people out.. this has never worked out for anybody!! josh is cool, he works at a grocery store so he's gonna kill the "b" challenge. ginnifer has been the most MIA but i have faith that we'll work together well for the popularity contest. yall know i cant play the reverse flirt game i so badly want to coin, but i do have romance tea for yall tomorrow. stay tuned........

Jay and I talked last night so i guess we're best friends. We decided to make an alliance and try to get Elle in it. But everyone has been pretty inactive besides Jay and Collin. I've only slightly talked to Jessica this whole game and Babs hasn't even said one thing to me and I texted them hi. And apperently Babs has left Jay on opened too so they might just suck at talking right now. Hopefully Babs will talk to me they seem so funny and cool D:

I won endurance 👑!!!! Hopefully the fools tribe wins this!!!! I played against Jennifer and Dennis. I could see myself playing with Dennis down the line if we merge. I haven’t talked to anyone but Moth. So I messaged my whole tribe Introducing myself. Hopefully things work out for me! 

Thoughts after the first 24hrs: https://youtu.be/I62bDSzgf68

You hear something ??? Same. Why is my tribe so quiet 😂😂😂😂 I’m trying to read off the vibes but I see nothing. 

I really love my tribe and the fact that they don’t know I played last season is a good strategy to play on my end

tbh i wish we lost i wanted to go to tribal and vote one of these people out :(

Welp we got second place in the first challenge :| which isn't bad!! But it's not first place 😂😂. But I had a fun day taking pictures so whateverssss. I said I would be chaotic in this game but the opportunity hasn't presented itself yet... Guess we'll have to wait and see✨

I think at this point, my team is shady and won't say anything to me so I am nervous.

The challenges were way harder than I thought. I didn't do well at all and let my tribe down. I feel like I will be the first to get voted out if we have a tribal hearing.

We lost yay. I had a feeling. Hopefully the tribe will keep me around for now since I won endurance.... lhsisowjshwowpwpwheowowhfiwpqpqpjw. Jared thinks we can vote Bri out. Which I’m fine with, I haven’t really talked to her at all. Jared and I are going to message the others and see where everyone’s head is at. Honestly I don’t care who goes home as long as I’m safe. Everyone is quiet which is so annoying. Blahhhhhhhhhh 

Well it’s my 3rd time playing and it’s not off to the best start, no one seems to be talking to anyone. And we lost meaning we are going to tribal council. So fuck- I have no idea what about to happen. I’m just hoping it’s not me or Jess

if i must confess, my strategy is to have a 4-3-2 alliance. i need a 4 to have a majority, but i dont have a 4 yet. within the 4, theres a three person alliance w me jodi and amy, but within that three i believe that the core 2 is myself and jodi. i really dont care who the 4th is. i like having jodi and amy as an alliance because theyre both doing wayy too much which is great for me :) i dont think any of these people have idols but who knows. i would love to throw the next immunity i wanna go to tribal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Looks like we’ve got something good. We’ve got an alliance that’s set to (hopefully) vote out bri due to inactivity. Let’s just pray it works

~

Trying to talk in this tribe is so difficult In both my other seasons I was pretty quiet all the time It is like that x10000 I was hoping to stay under the radar but that doesn’t work if no one talks at all I suppose it depends on if I’m being played or if everyone just doesn’t talk. I think there’s a plan. Let’s hope it goes well 

OKAY SO. Moth, Jared and I have a little alliance going on. We are set on voting out Bri. I just talked to Danny and Shaad and they are down with voting Bri out. I have high hopes that I’ll be safe at tribal. 

Better communication.. in sticking with that fact, our communication in my team could be better and we need to put more effort into what we do, I believe in us!

https://youtu.be/595h7hmL6VY

The start to this game has been a freaking snails pace...it’s unbelievable to me that these people do not want to talk that much, especially when it’s a tribe of 6. Colin and I talk the most, I’ve gotten a decent amount out of Anastasia, and to me it feels like those 2 wants to work with me and I am fine with working with them. Usually in a larger group you want to figure out who you can work with long term and use the first few tribals to establish trust, I may throw that out the window since there’s only 5 other people on this tribe. My strategy needs to be who the hell can get me past these first few votes before a swap happens, and I feel like I can rely on Colin and Anastasia for that. I’d like to pull in Elle, because she’s the one who’s talked to me the most out of her, Babs, and Jennifer. Everyone seems nice, but it would be lovely if people would be more active. 

I’m enjoying the fact our tribe won the first challenge everyone is very nice I love it :)

This round has been pretty smooth sailing. I know the game will pick up eventually but for now, we are just going with the flow as a tribe

https://youtu.be/UZVzZ6d6GRU

~

ok so apparently ginnifer isn't famous. she's just a bit quiet and mysterious. ok with me, just gonna take a while because I'm a loud and outspoken person (and player). amy, dennis and I have an alliance called "fang gang" (it's really just 3 emojis of vampires) and we're going to run the premerge hopefully. I do like brayden a lot, and maybe I'll propose a 3 with him, amy and myself to have a solid 4 control the votes until a swap. round 1 not bad so far!

~~~

Edgics:

Power Rankings:

Phantom

Jodi: I believe Jodi is thriving on this tribe. She is very obviously a social player who picks up on the littlest details. I’m sure she can sniff out a plot if it comes down to it. However, Jodi is the plot. She is the leader of her tribe and is easily the most active person in the game at the moment. So long as she keeps a smile on her face and doesn’t overextend to do something messy, she will find that she will make it safely to merge. Allying with Amy could be dangerous however since Amy has stated she needs to be voted out before a certain date. This means that Jodi needs to socialize with other members of her tribe and get new allies before hers will inevitably be voted out of the game.

Amy: Even though she wants to get voted out, Amy has set herself up perfectly at Jodi’s side. She can take the heat off of herself using Jodi and is able to hide better than others. As always, her UTR game has come out to shine. She hasn’t had anyone call her out and even though Jodi has seen her play she is still able to gain her trust.

Josh: Doing so well in the challenge has earned Josh’s place here. He makes his worth known early and has a great personality as well. This makes him very safe for any early tribal councils as no one is going to want to take him out; they want him on their side. Similar to Amy, he just seems to be using an under the radar social game which he is executing well at the present moment. And, as the star of the challenge, he makes himself safe for future tribals before the swap. However, I do fear that this early impression of competition prowess will come back to haunt him if he makes it to the merge.

Dennis: I would put Dennis higher, but Jodi, his ally, already is suspicious of him. She seems to think of him as a bit of a sneak and, as the tribe leader, her opinions matter the most. It is good that he is able to be Jodi’s ally so she might stray away from voting him out. However, his desire to go to tribal and play the game so early may bite him in the butt later down the line. I can definitely see him being called out for trying to play too hard too fast. At the moment, he remains high because he seems to be decently social and no one except Jodi has sniffed him out.

Brayden: There’s not much to say on Brayden’s game. He doesn’t seem to have any allies, his challenge performance wasn’t as good as others on his tribe, and he is not in any alliances yet. This spells disaster for Brayden if his tribe goes to consecutive tribal councils. Additionally, even though he was one of the few to play in the Hunt, he didn’t win and wasn’t even close to doing so. He even gave up part way through to do the immunity challenge. I would be saving them if I were Brayden, but hindsight is 20/20. If Brayden can squeeze into being the fourth of the Jodi, Amy, Dennis alliance instead of Josh then maybe his game forecast will be better.

Ginnifer: The thing that lands Ginnifer on the bottom is that she said that her tribe could vote her out if they lost the challenge. This primes people to already be willing to get rid of her in this game. Additionally, some people have expressed difficulty with talking to Ginny such as Jodi and Amy. The former still wants to give Ginny a try at being an ally while the latter was ready to vote her out if necessary. Ginny just needs to pick up social steam and outperform in the next comp if she’s going to have longevity in this game.

Fools

Jessica: In lieu of a clear leader, Jessica has stepped up as she started the first alliance on her tribe with Moth and Jared. No doubt, Jessica’s prior relationship with Moth helped facilitate. Additionally, this seems to paint them as the “active” members of this not active tribe. Therefore, it will be very easy for Jessica to dictate votes without getting labelled as a threat since her tribe is not active enough to do so. I can definitely see her leaning on Moth as a crutch, but for now she is the topdog of her tribe. Especially so since she was the only member of her tribe to win a challenge in Divide and Conquer.

Moth: As Jessica’s right-hand person, Moth is a secure spot. It also helped that they have played this game before and is on a not active tribe. This vibes well with Moth’s gameplay style since they aren’t a social powerhouse like Jodi or Colin. Instead, she keeps it more lowkey which makes this tribe in particular a great tribe for her to thrive in.

Jared: While he hasn’t provided a confessional yet, it’s clear he’s positioned himself well with Moth and Jessica. As the topdogs of the tribe, they are key people to get in with. Besides that, he seems to be a little more active than some others, but there’s not much else to say as of right now.

Danny/Shaad: Him and Shaad can trade spots on this ranking because they are playing similar games at the moment. They are both quiet and inactive, yet are not part of the core alliance of this tribe. This could spell danger for them in upcoming tribal councils if they don’t start working on people now. They seem to be safe for now based solely on Bri’s inactivity, but, otherwise, they need to pick up their socio-strategic game before it is too late.

Bri: She seems to be the most likely person to get voted out. She was not online at all for the first two days of the game and has since remained inactive. She is easy pickings for the top 3 of this tribe which really hurts my heart. I know her in real life and she is very sociable and easy to get along with. I have no doubt that in a real life game of Survivor or Big Brother, she would kill the social game.

S.E.E.S.

Colin: Similar to Jodi, Colin is the most social person on his tribe at the moment. However, unlike Jodi, he has not taken a leader position which works to his benefit. Despite being social, Colin has been able to slip under the radar of most people with a lot of them wanting to work with him. Colin is easily going to survive until the swap, but I will caution him from getting too many allies too quickly. This tribe in particular has a wildcard willing to blow things like that up so he needs to be careful.

Elle: Similar to her previous games, Elle plays an extraordinary social game and becomes very well-liked very easily. They have no problem fitting into any situation and I foresee them making it far if they gain the right allies. What puts her at number 2 as opposed to number 1 is that she hasn’t made any strategic comments yet. Instead, she is focusing on a social game which is not a bad thing. Colin has just shown more of his gameplay in these rounds.

Anastasia: Anastasia, despite being late to the premiere, has been able to socialize with key people such as Colin and Jay. Her prior connection with Elle has also sparked an interest in Colin in working with the two of them as an alliance. Overall, her and Elle sort of share the 2 and 3 spot since they are both well-liked, did well in the challenge, and are prime allies for Colin whose word will feel like law if this tribe ever goes to tribal.

Jay: Jay is neither here nor there. He isn’t in the bottom, but he is not calling the shots either. It is good that Colin wants him as his number 1 and that Anastasia likes him. Out of the three outside of this potential Elle, Colin, Anastasia alliance, he seems like he will be most likely to be saved until a swap occurs. His calls with people have certainly been helping with that as people are able to bond more with him through there. His activity could use work, but he doesn’t need to be active if he’s liked.

Babs: With another Jodi comparison, Babs has taken the leadership position of their tribe. However, they are not as social and, in fact, considered a big threat since they are so willing to talk freely and openly in the tribe chat. Their gameplay is going to be Messy, and people have already pointed that out, making them a clear target if this tribe goes to tribal council. Despite that, they aren’t at the bottom since some people, like Colin, have expressed interest in working with that kind of player as a sort of shield. If Babs were to tone it down and be more social with people (another problem with their game), they may be able to crawl up these rankings.

Jennifer: Sadly I have to put another phonetic Jennifer at the bottom. She did the worst in the challenge across her tribe and isn’t active either. For this round, it seems she would be the easy vote if this tribe had gone to tribal. She needs to start being more social and be more of a presence in people’s minds.

[borathae]

Hey... about the drabbles? Could you do one where you're supposed to have a first date with one of them but either you or he gets in a minor accident but has to stay at the hospital overnight and the other person is extremely hurt and therefore angry bc their (hard to get) trust was "used to hurt them" but then they find out and it's fluffy? And could you maybe do it with yoongi bc atm I'm so soft for him like 🥺 Thank you, love your work❤ ~procrastinating anon

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Angst, Fluff 

Warnings: low self-esteem, self-hatred, heartbreak, descriptions of minor injuries nothing major I promise, so much pain and sadness; but I promise the ending is fluffy and healing

Wordcount: 2k (I’m so bAD AT KEEPING THINGS SHORT jsjsjs)

a/n: I apologize for the total angst fest in the beginning jsjsjsj. This was not how I actually planned it, but I let my feelings flow free soooo I’m sorry? 🤧😂 also lisTEN I relate so muCH I’m so goddamn soft for Yoongi lately, this man owns my heart 🥺😭 I hope you enjoy this cute little drabble and I love youuu!  💜

Today you were supposed to have your first date with a cute guy, who you had been chatting with for quite some time now. Two months and six days to be exact. Min Yoongi was his name. Min Yoongi was currently working as a music producer, he was the proud father of a brown toy poodle named Holly and had a soft spot for holding hands. His hair was dark, almost black with the ends twisted in soft locks. His eyes, the prettiest eyes you had ever seen, made you giddy just thinking about them. Oh how many hours you have spend getting lost in them when you looked through the many selcas he had sent you.

At first you didn’t even want to accept his chat-request, too scared made you the thought of talking to someone again feel. Quite honestly you had terribly bad luck in your relationships – lovers and friends alike – you got cheated on, got used and abandoned when you were no longer of use, got called ‘not lovable’ and worse things you don’t even want to think about anymore. So downloading “the best dating app on earth” – so your best friend called it – was the scariest thing you had done in forever, followed by pressing “accept” on Yoongi’s request to chat and actually answering his dorky but loveable first message.

Yoongi turned out to be the sweetest and most understanding guy – person actually – you had ever talked to. He listened to your worries and told you without a hint of hesitation that he would love it if things would developat a speed you were comfortable with and that you can take as much as time as you needed.

He agreed on your terms to not rush meeting in person, because god that would make you practically have a full-on panic attack. That was the first time you had honestly smiled in a long time, rereading his message over and over again, you weren’t able to believe your luck.

Time passed and with it your trust grew. You were chatting on a daily basis with him by now, wishing him a good morning and waiting excitedly for his good night phone calls at exactly ten twenty every night. You felt totally comfortable with him. You felt safe to be yourself around him, even if it was just through the phone. You felt sexy when you noticed the way his eyes travelled over your features when phones calls weren’t enough anymore and they turned into video calls. You felt loved and you were pretty sure the warm, fuzzy feeling in your chest every time you thought of him was love too.

So when Yoongi asked you if you wanted to meet up in person soon, your heart practically did somersaults in your chest. You had never typed “Yes!” faster in your life and judging by his quick answer neither had he.

The date was settled, two days from now you will meet each other in a little corner café. You couldn’t sleep in excitement, your mind was practically racing with scenarios of your date.

When the time finally came, you spend the entire day getting ready for your date, washing your hair, moisturizing every inch of your skin, picking out the perfect outfit. You showed up an hour earlier than arranged, just so you could mentally prepare yourself for finally seeing him in person. You were so excited.

One hour passed. Half an hour passed. You sent him a quick text asking if he was running late. He went online, typed and went offline before his message was able to reach you.

Two hours had passed since you came here. You quickly send Yoongi another message, asking him if he forgot about today.

Half an hour passed. No answer, no calls, no nothing.

Another thirty minutes pass and here you are still sitting at the corner café and waiting for him.  

Today should have been epic, exciting, remarkable, unforgettable. You were so sure it would bring a smile to your face every time you think about it. How could you be so wrong about that? You trusted him, you believed him when he told you he wouldn’t use you, you ate up his promises of support and comfort without as much as patting your stupid eyelashes.

You call him. It rings once then his voice mail tells you he isn’t available right now. He really rejected your call just like that.

So he just used you. You should blame him and be angry at him, but truth be told you weren’t. You were just hurt, so deeply hurt you have to look down your chest for a moment to see if you were actually bleeding. You honestly feel like you do.

Without any hesitation you block his number, block his social media profiles and delete all of his pictures. And just like that he is out of your life, your ability to trust is ruined for another year and your heart is broken.

Three days pass where your life consists of nothing more than crying yourself awake, forcing yourself to go to work and then continuing where you had left of in the morning when you go to sleep. You would have probably continued your daily routine if an unknown number hadn’t called you on the morning of your fourth day. The caller turns out to be Kim Seokjin, best friend of Yoongi who had stolen your number out of Yoongi’s notebook and who had made it his plan to explain everything.

Yoongi had gotten into an accident on the day of your date. The “idiot” – so Seokjin called him – walked into the busy street and got hit by a car because he was in the midst of typing out a message. He was lucky, nothing major happened. His right shoulder got dislocated and whilst getting thrown across the street he hit his head, resulting in a slight concussion. The entirety of guardian angels must have been with him on that day, so Seokjin said, the doctors told him such an accident results in death or life-changing injuries most of the times.  

As quickly as possible you are the hospital Yoongi is currently recovering at and find yourself standing in front of his room with shaking hands. Would it be awkward between the two of you after everything that had happened? What if you look at him and won’t feel the same warm love you had felt for him before?

A nurse opens the door before you can even knock, eyeing from head to toe before greeting you with a bright smile. It’s now or never. With held breath you enter the small hospital room.

“Yoongi?”you almost whisper, tiptoeing to his bed.

You have to take a deep breath when you finally take a look at him. All the feelings you wanted to push down and forget come rushing back into your heart, overwhelming you. You stumble back, holding onto the footboard of his bed.

He looks just as beautiful as he did through the phone screen, maybe even prettier if you were being honest. Even in his current asleep state he is able to take your breath away.  His eyes are closed, his lips slightly parted as steady breaths make his chest heave up and down. He looks so peaceful and calm, despite the white bandages covering the entire top part of his head and his right arm resting in a black sling.

Waking him up feels so cruel, but god, leaving him without having said hello feels so much worse. So you call his name loudly and gently tap his foot. He stirs, licking over his lips and swallows. His eyes flutter open. He mumbles your name, totally confused and still half-asleep.

“Hey”, yousay shyly.

“Hey, wow what a nice dream, these pain meds are awesome”, he murmurs, closing his eyes again.

“This isn’t a dream. I’m really here”, you chuckle.

“Seriously?” he gasps, surprisingly high-pitched for his normally deep voice. He sits up abruptly, hissing when hot pain rushes through his shoulder.

“Careful”, you rush to his side and help him sit up with a hand on his upper back, “you are still hurt.”

You sit down at the corner of his bed, careful not to hurt him.

“Yeah, for a second I nearly forgot about that”, he chuckles in pain, “how do you even know I am here? I thought you blocked me.”

You cringe at his words. So he noticed.

“Uhm, yeah I have. I, I mean had. I kind of had a slight mental breakdown when you ditched me at the café and I blocked you everywhere and deleted all of your pictures and basically locked your memory behind a big steel door in my mind and I swore to myself to never trust again.”

“Understandable”, Yoongi says. He takes your hand, squeezing it gently. You don’t even realise his gesture, too lost in rambling your thoughts out loud. It makes Yoongi tighten his hand around yours just all the more as a fond smile hushes over his face. You are so adorable when you rant like this and forget everything around you.

“But then your friend Seokjin called me”, you continue as if nothing happened, “and explained everything and now I feel like a total idiot for ever believing that you used me and at first I didn’t even want to come because I was too embarrassed, but then I started to miss you and-“, you pause to take a look at Yoongi.

A fond smile sits on his face, his eyes sparkle in adoration. Heat washes over your face as you start to blush vividly. You can’t even look into his eyes right now.

“I was rambling again. I’m so sorry. You probably think that I’m crazy right now”, you cringe, “sorry.”

“Actually I was thinking how cute you are right now”, Yoongi says softly, giving your hand another squeeze.

One you finally feel and one that sends in your body into complete overdrive. Your heart starts racing, your whole face becomes as red as a tomato, you stutter an answer but give up when you can’t even get out one basic word.

“I’m glad that you came”, he breathes.

You smile as an answer, squeezing his hand.

“It’s not an outfit I would normally wear nor is the location nice for a first date, but I hope that, I don’t know, it is still enough to give me a second chance?” he asks, almost scared.

“Of course it’s enough, it wasn’t your fault that you missed our date. I know that now”, you reassure him, making him smile, “besides I think you look cute in that hospital gown. I like the little pandas on the fabric”, you giggle, touching one of the dozens of animals on his shirt.

Right above his heart, you can feel it speed up underneath your fingertip at your gesture.

“Just wait until you see the back, because there is basically none.”

“Oh my god Yoongi”, you gasp at the mental picture of Yoongi sitting here with his butt all bared and naked.

“I’m wearing underwear don’t worry”, he laughs.

“What a relief”, you giggle, lowering your head in giddiness.

He pulls you closer to his body, making you scoot up the bed until he can wrap his arm around your middle comfortably and your back is rested against his side. You are careful not to put too much pressure on his body in order not to hurt him, despite your body wanting to basically sink into his arms. God finally being able to feel his touch, his warmth, his heartbeat is even better than you had imagined.

“Please stop me if this is too fast for you. And also I know you don’t really start a first date by kissing the other person, but-“, he inhales shakily, staring at your lips longingly, “-can I kiss you?”

“Yes please”, you whisper, leaning closer to his body.

His hand comes to rest on the back of your neck, your own cups his cheek. You are staring at each other for as long as possible, mesmerized by the other. Only when your lips brush over his and a gentle sigh leaves his throat do your eyes flutter closed and the feeling of his soft lips on yours drowns you in warmth.

[niall-is-my-dream]

Help!

So I've just received this weird message on wattpad, has anyone else had this?

More under cut

the first thing I want to say is that I am not the best person at all the person I’m about to talk about I cared about so so much but clearly she didn’t like I did even though I thought she did after all this stuff happend I said some stuff that I won’t repeat to her friend and I regret it but you have to understand what truly happend. Also btw this isn’t apart of it at all but if we are going to be ibfs I want to talk as much as possible. I’m truly hoping we can be ibfs and it can last for months BC I’ve had horrible experiences .  By the way i wrote this so long ago but that girl is old news but now i did find someone new it lasted till January then she just started ignoring me. it’s all just so hard. Also we can talk more about this on Thursday. My mom just says sometimes like my heart is really big and I get attached to easily and it always bites me in the ass. anyways I’m gonna get to the story now and btw random fun facts about me my brother and sister have autisum I’m a triplet and I’m suppsed to be a senior rn but I got held back in kindergarten so I’m in 11th grade I’m now a senior but I’m homeschooled Rn ANYWAYS irrelevant. so I started messaging this girl and we figured out we were going to the same Niall show and we instantly became close. And I was so excited BC I recently had lost a ibf ... anyways . We ended up saying we were gonna be ibfs and I met her at the Niall show. I loved her even more in person. And we kept in contact . There’s more to the story but I’ll get to it anyways so we kept in contact meaning we lit talked everyday. When we had free time. I thought she was the coolest I was so happy BC she loved Niall just as much as me which is not healthy. Anyways shdhdhhf. Like I was gonna send her a gift and evreything . And we would talk on the phone late nights too. Like talk about all this personal shit there wasn’t anything we wouldn’t say to eachother. Long story short we were doing this one thing which I will explain inin the next Paragrah . But . We would fight sometimes but I think it’s BC we were so comfty around eachother and she’s blocked me. before - but we talked it out and I thought she would never ever again. But u have to understand I got so attached to her and I love twitter and my irl friends but she was special but weeks ago  she blocked me for the last time lit right after we made up and she blocked me BC we were arguing how tall Niall was- Now to the important part I mean it was all important but :( I said there was this one thing we did and I’m gonna explain it to u Rn and after I explain it all I just want you to :( ... like I’ve tried this with a few ppl and it always goes well but the ppl end up like hurting me or som or som goes wrong so it dosent work . But I want you to at least try :( I promise if u don’t like it we don’t have to but if u love Niall I really think that u will :( IK I sound crazy but all this stuff is really important to me . So I thank you for reading this. I really just want you to try and I think you really will like it if u love Niall So basically what it is is like ugh I just pray you say yes . And we would only do it when you are free and I am free trust me it’s not all the time and we would do it in the iG dms x anyways so like it’s not that complicated so like its basically like we would act out concepts with Niall but like realistic ones. And we can come up with them together, after we build the characters foundations. Like it’s kinda about like if Niall had a gf what would it be like . Now the girl in it I’ll tell u her name we just use her as the gf but like IK this girl and she’s so pretty and she loves Niall and I’m a visual person so like when I act this stuff out I like to imagine what the girl would look like. And I have a few pics of her and I wanted to send some to u and u can be 100000% honest if u think she’s nialls type and then follow her on iG a few other Niall stans follow her so it’s not weird. But ya we just use her for her looks but I would act out the personality in the Rp I Gusse I could go ahead and say it her name is well we can pick....  but that’s not her name irl and then you would play Niall :) and u know just try to act like him as much as possible it takes a bit to get used to but IK u can do it BC IK u love him. And u can’t even do a bad job even if u do I don’t care the fact that u are trying is all that matters. AND we would only do this when we’re both free idk if I said that already. Even if are free time is limited. And I swear im not a weirdo I just it’s hard to explain I just want all this to work out I just I’ve been let down so many times and I’m sick of it. And then also some of them have a little bit of sexual stuff in there but like we would never ever cross the line of having full on sex unless in months time u become comfortable . And when I did it with her for those parts she always told me if she was uncomftable and I respect that and never ever go to hard. That’s pretty much all I had to say but like IK I sound crazy . If u say yes which I pray to god u will I can talk more about it and we can start like soon.  U seem amazing. Sorry FOR THE TYPOS :( IK it sounds confusing as hell but love can u just try  if u love him I swear you will love this and we won’t do it all the time only when we both are free even if it’s not a lot..  and I’ve also been searching for so so long to find the right person ,, and I think u are. Also when I say Rp it’s more of like cute lovey concepts it’s not like sexual scary crap sgsfsgfgg and I promise we can make it fun and only do it when we are free even if that’s not a lot . X I reread this bc I wrote it so long ago I hate that I’m repeating myself.... a lot lol. But ya if u say yes we can discuss everything.

This message was weird right?!

This was my reply:

Yeah this is making me really uncomfortable. I'm not sure on what world you think it's acceptable to message someone with a crazy idea like this but you should know it's not ok. I'm not surprised people have blocked you. You sound like you need to get offline and go outside and into the real world. I like Niall a normal amount, I am a regular fan who enjoys writing. You are too young to be getting lost in the world of the internet. I'm in my 30s and married and have kids, the whole idea of pretending to be a girl and Niall messaging is weird and creepy. I suggest you speak to someone, an adult, a teacher, a parent and get some support.

Was I too harsh?

[freckliedan]

ayyee den!! airports, preshow playlist, gtpwtw, and memories :)

hi leo!!! ty for the ask!!!

airports: how many countries have you traveled to?I’ve been to canada a few times-I was born in michigan so we visited ontario sometimes when i was a little kid? i don’t really remember that very well but i do remember driving through british columbia & yukon on our way to alaska bc when we moved here we drove &.. as a seven year old that’s the most boring thing in the entire world fdskjldsk. 

i also was a part of people to people international’s student ambassador program when i was 13? & i was like.. 100% offline then, but i did go on a trip thru england, ireland, scotland and wales for 19 days in the summer of 2009 & in conclusion i think that just being in the same country as dnp when they became facebook friends was enough to turn me into the giant lesbian i am today due to proximity 2 their gay energies. 

preshow playlist: one song that reminds you of dnpthere’s so many oh my god but i haven’t really been able to stop listening to one direction since seeing ii a month ago in la and while 18 is a song that like. fucking makes me cry sometimes bc it also reminds me so completely of me & my gf? amber @freckliephil and i were talking the other day & she told me that ready to run by 1d is the current, 2018 mood for dan and phil bc it really does seem like they might be coming out at some point not long after the tour and i just.. im a mess. i’m also working on making a 2009 playlist n thats fun & also ruining my lifee

gtpwtw: how long have you been a fan of dnpsince.. 2012? i looked it up the other day and i very first watched a video on november 27th that year, which i know bc my now-girlfriend-then-just-becoming-friends-ex-nemesis emailed me dan’s i will go down with this ship video then! which means i joined the fandom less than a month after the vday leak but not directly bc of the leak so.. honestly an incredibly messy time. i was engaged w the fandom on deviantart in 2012 and 2013, it was my main fandom & kind of my introduction to fandom? & then like rejection sensitive dysphoria & life stuff kind of steered me away frm having dnp as my main fandom for like.. a while? but i never stopped being fully demon in my heart, and i made this blog in april & i’m so so so happy that i did. i have another older tumblr that i’ve had since 2013 but having a blog just dedicated to dnp feels so nice & like.. being in the community is overall so good? my year has been so fucking incredible since starting to meet ppl & have friends through dnp? so thanks 2 amber for convincing me to take the plunge n make this blog honestly.

but yeah i’ve been here since 2012, dnp proved to me that love was real after my parents’ divorce, i realized the other day that i saw the first radio show live and i had no idea what to do with that information but my heart is so full of happiness n pride for dnp at how good they’re doing this year, thank u so much for asking me this question i didn’t even realize i had this much to say?

memories: what is your happiest memoryi have a few that are tied? i have a million soft happy memories with my gf, our love is. the exact same kind of love as dan and phil’s like i believe in soulmates bc of them but also me & my gf,,,, but my happiest memories?

one of the best memories would be like, so, for backstory? my girlfriend and i wrote and produced a musical out of spite at our old highschool during her senior year/the year after i graduated, and that includes like, being the teachers of a class full of  other students between the ages of 11-18? and we did the entire thing in about a year entirely on our own, so just? hugging in the lobby after the opening night show ended with the incandescent and impossible sense of we did that and knowing it was just the beginning for us? was incredible. it’s incomparable to anything in the world. 

a 2nd happiest memory is being in portland for a week in may 2017 with my best friend miles, and getting to meet amber @freckliephil & piper @asterlark after about a year of talking online? they’re my soulmates in a friend way and even though i’ve only had the chance to spend time with them in person during 3 periods of time in the last year and a half it feels more right to be where they are than to be in a different state than them it’s like. more calm and natural and relaxing to be in the same space? like, idk, i need to be alone to unwind sometimes but they’re some of the few people in the world i can be alone with and still calm down/recharge.

& a 3rd happiest memory is the 4 days i spent traveling to see ii this summer, i flew to portland & stayed w amber & piper for a night (& got my septum pierced bc i was doing my best to be living my truth to make dnp proud) & then we all flew to LA met a bazillion people from our gc and just? from meeting @plateho at the airport to seeing dnp live and literally full body sobbing when welcome to the black parade played right before the show (bc i knew every single person there including dnp backstage were probably all feeling the same exact overwhelming happiness and excitement please forgive me im a pisces rising We Just Cry) to staying up until literally 4:20am smoking weed & having conversations & just.. living for the moment? i’ve been a better happier more assertive version of myself since that week and i really, really like the new me. so. yeah. 

i’d have to say those 3 are tied pretty dang thoroughly. 

[when-wax-wings-melt]

summersummersummer hiiii *twirls hair* wanted to pop by bc am lonely and we havent talked in a hot second but also im prolly gnna hop offline after sending this bc i wanna try to write smth and also if i see another post abt how close 2022 is i might throw up.

you have written some things recently that i just Havent gotten around to reading D: maybe ill finally read them during my sunday school tomorrow, if i dont pay attention i may as well spend that time reading ur lovely writing :3

also! (i mispelled that as allos dhsjdh) i may have. a holiday/winter/new year/smth present for you if i can find the time/motivation to get it done? so ! yeah! hopefully me telling you abt it will encourage me to actually get it done...?

oh Also. you may have seen me or tobin posting abt this thing called mangoball? its basically this lovely crack fic abt some mcyt people told through fake twitter posts, tumblr posts, and text messages. you dont rly need to know anything abt the dsmp or mcyt to read it, its hilarious and made my entire morning, and the whole time i was reading it i was just thinking "i wanna recommend this to summer i bet theyd love it it is just chaos in its purest form and seems totally up her alley" so! you dont have to read it obviously but the entire time i was reading it i was just kinda thinking "i need to send this to summer" so i figured i'd send it to you - here's the link :)

welp! sorry bout the longass ask (longass-k... i think i need sleep) hope youre having a lovely night! get to bed soon mdear! <3

Hi stardustttt it has been far too long <33 good luck w/your writing!!! I have been writing not much recently but a little I suppose so. Feel your pain of trying to write lmao

Awww no pressure!!! But tyyy if you want to

Ohhh??? No pressure but if you do finish it I'm sure I'll love it bc I love everything you do <333

Funny story about mangoball... Once Tobin started reading it the posts clogged my dash so much that I blocked the tag LMAO I already have a good idea of what it is from allyster also spamming discord with reactions but maybe I will read it myself someday JDLAJALAK

It's morning now but get to sleep tonight then!!!

[dontlookatmehereplease]

Keep putting off fixing my blogs on here but not the point of this post. Just need to vent so i dont do something dumb like i might have done already

Anyways i might have done 2 dumb things past week. Idk, nobody in my friend group has really messaged me but that could just be my rsd thinking they dont want to talk to me when really they're just busy doing their things.

They were all active in the gc the day before yesterday but no reply has been made since i messaged, i think i made myself look like an ass without meaning to. Idk everyones been offline today it seems too so really it could just be me overthinking. I just wish i knew how to talk to them properly rsd fucking sucks ass

Second possible dumb thing is i was close to involuntarily regressing when talking with my friend. I didnt mean to but before messaging they i was talking with someone else about things and one thing they brought up triggered me badly, more than i realized initially and i ended up halfway regressed when messaging my friend after that event. They were understanding somewhat without me going into detail about what was happening, just told them my head gets fuzzy and i end up less aware of things around me. She helped me get rid of feeling fuzzy with her playlists because even tho i was only halfway to slipping fully i knew at the time being small wasnt going to help at that time due to where i was and what i was doing(at moms with family and was trying to get my neice to stay asleep bc she was cranky)(also the previous convo that triggered me brought up trauma that was hard to deal with due to it being childhood trauma) i just hope she doesnt think i meant something weird when i said my coping mechanism (my regression) "wasnt bad just poorly timed" bc i didnt tell her that it was age regression that i use and that my "fuzzy feeling in my head" i told her that was happening was me slipping younger when i was trying to deal with what someone else showed me a thing that created trauma for me years prior.

She also hasnt messaged me since so idk if i bring it up again or she doesnt want to know more of if shes made her own conclusions bc nobody has really talked to me since 2 nights ago, just random posts/memes have been exchanged in our other group chat on ig

Idk but glad to have this out of my head now and hopefully i can deal with it better now.

Fuck. Also just remembered that ive got to figure out how to talk with the person who showed me the thing that triggered me bc ive been ignoring them since it happened. One more day then ill write something out to send them i think. I need more time to figure it out

[ofieugogyshz]

ooooh I wanna know the answer to no. 3 for the get to know the shipper thing! -freewheelshippin

what’s your favorite lyric in a song? why does it resonate with you?

SHIT BRUH WHY IS IT HARD ANSWERS NIGHT. DO I LOOK LIKE I KNOW THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, EVEN IN THE IMMEDIATE STATE OF WHAT'S MY FAVE SONG?????? BECAUSE I COULDNT TELL U EITHER

Okay, you know what. Let's go with the song that makes me cry, not just bc of the mv but bc of the lyrics and their attachment to living a lifelong dream of a Pokemon fan.

There are so many lyrics here that jump out to me. The song is definitely a valid tribute, putting into words the feelings that Pokemon's always provided me.

Buckle up kiddos.

Even in the pouring rain, we still stomp and shout to see who's the loudest.

It's one of the opening lyrics, the start of a journey, the feeling of childhood and romping around and running around and playing on the playground. And that we're still doing that all these years later.

The day that I found you, you found me, too.

BIGGEST. TEARS. While the inanimate object of a series technically can't "find" you, through it, you can find yourself. So, the day that I found it, it helped me find parts of myself. You can explore a vast, wide, open fictional world however you want, find out what it is that you wanna do and who you wanna be, based off what appeals to you from the series.

We're still a long way from where we want to go, but I could stay here for the rest of my life.

Next to you (next to you), here by your side, my soul cries out that this is where I belong.

Through tears, through laughter, through good times or bad,

HELLO, MY FEELINGS??? WHO SAID U COULD READ ME UR NOT EVEN A TAROT DECK.

Like. Arceus. I've been into Pokemon since the Vulpix episode aired on tv before it started airing on the WB. My mom always told me i'd outgrow it, from 5th ( you're not gonna like it by junior high bc everyone else blah blah) , 7th (high school!), to 9th-10th (by graduation!). She stopped telling me i'll grow out of it by 11th grade xD and i'm 29, thirty by end of next month, and shit. I've still got a long ways to go and grow, and i know i'm a long way from where I wanna be, and it's always gonna feel like it, but I've always had Pokemon by my side, to escape to, to get absorbed in, to just. Be and feel some level of accomplishments. I'm not ever leaving this series behind, even though there was a point come XY that I thought maybe I had been losing my interest and hyperfixation in it.

Pokemon's just got me through so much, that I always take a vacation from work whenever a new game comes out (barring ORAS release, but i've got one after tomorrow for tundra dlc!). Like, I wish we could escape into it, I always have and I probably always will, and writing fic is about as close to it as I can get. (Or dreams. But I don't think I've had dreams quite like that.) Pokemon is the one thing that I'll always know, and it'll always feel like home.

That's how this all began, with a reason so bright that it could make us forget

This one's out of order for lyric but basically what i just said about escaping into it, it could make me forget about my previous life that I hsd been living, it helps me forget everything bad that's happened, if only for a little bit. Bright = hope and forget = escape to

No matter what fate awaits us, I'll take your hand in mine and never let go.

Next to you (next to you), here by your side, our souls cry out that this is where we belong.

Like I said, I'll always love Pokemon and I don't plan on stopping anytime soon. It's so much easier to find acceptance in a make-believe world, and if it weren't for a shared interest in Pokemon at the time, I wouldn't've met @theautisticselfshipper waaaaaaay back in like idk, 03-04, and if it weren't for her, my first experience interacting with other people would have been shaped into a bad one, and I definitely wouldn't be here like this, as I am, online. I would have wound up having a completely different set of connections, and wouldn't've met all the friends that I have.

Pokemon is just so good at helping you make friends, regardless of language barriers, offline or online. It always, instantly connects people with each other, like a good series should. I didn't grow up popular or with any friends until about high school. But Pokemon helped me make those friends in high school. Helped me keep some of them.

Pokemon is so important to me, because it's the first place that I've ever felt like I belonged. It gave me space where prior there wasn't any allotted to me. It allowed me to connect with people who otherwise wouldn't've spoken to me or gotten to know me.

CONCLUSION: I LOVE POKEMON AND I'M NEVER LETTING GO OF IT. I'M HERE FOREVER, SUCKERS.

[thesweetpianowritingdownmylife]

hey so im crying bc of night in the woods (specifically IR’s update and what happens in it)

i’ve said before (offline) that this game reflects a lot of the anxieties that my generation has and this ep has like... reinforced this idea to the max

especially in this ep, about the weight of responsibilities (needing a shitty job to survive and stuff) and I was like “well I’ve never really had to deal with that bc my parents have maintained me all my life and...”

then another part of me was like “you have been stressed out for literally every day of the last year and two months that you’re gonna get fired”

and it’s true!! i am!!!! even if I have my parents to fall back on!! because it would mean having to go back to live with them, 3000km away from my partner, if i couldn’t find another job fast.

i am so stressed about this!!! literally every time I do the most little inconsequential thing wrong (forgetting to put on the laungry, for example) I’m fearing that my hosts are gonna be like “yeah... we don’t really need you, pack your bags”. If I lose my patience with A., or let him watch too many cartoons, or he yells at me because I want him to do his homework, I’m thinking “he’s gonna tell his parents and they will fire me.” I heard him complain about me the other day and I felt like my blood had frozen in my veins, and it only started running again when I heard that his main complaint is that I made him do things he didn’t want to do (like homework, putting on warm shoes, etc, all things his parents had asked) and his mother telling him to suck it up. I feel so inadequate all the time, and I feel like it’s gonna get me fired, I think about this every single day, and I tell myself it’s imposter syndrome (over being a fucking au pair, mind you) but I still think about it.

And i kinda... hadn’t aknowledged that. I had told my partner about being afraid of being fired a couple of times, but I hadn’t stopped to realise “this is a problem Every Day” until I was watching that episode.

i dont know. I’m crying a lot right now (silently, so the hosts don’t realise I’m mentally unstable and FIRE ME, bc they don’t know I’m mentally ill) but it might be bc my period is coming soon.

[gobbluthbutagirl]

ok now that i’ve started i can’t stop lmao. but what i can do is put the rest of this under a cut.

anyway i guess what’s bugging me tonight and what has bugged me every other night for my entire adulthood and even before that and will presumably continue to bug me for the rest of my life is that i have literally done absolutely nothing with my life. and i know a lot of people feel that way but for me i just feel like it’s on an entirely different level. which i’m sure would be proven wrong if i actually put myself out there and talked to people, but if i knew how to exist in a normal and healthy way i wouldn’t be making this post in the first place.

but i mean i really can trace everything that’s gone wrong in my life back to the year i was in sixth grade. like long story short i was bullied a lot(huge shock i know) and instead of getting help with that/coping in a healthy way i decided to withdraw and withdraw and withdraw and withdraw and withdraw until i no longer had anything left to withdraw from. i attended online school for 7th grade and an insurance-funded private school for kids with ‘learning differences’ (read: adhd, autism, etc) in 8th grade. and then for 9th grade and beyond i went back to online school and of course i never finished. it’s so so easy to just rot alone in your room when all your responsibilities are confined to a computer. i literally did not leave my house and rarely even left my room bc i was so terrified of running into somebody i used to know. and of course i had no friends either online or offline and of course i neglected my schoolwork and of course my main goal in life was to disappear. i won’t get into the the self-harm or the suicide attempts or the rest of it bc i think what i’ve said already paints a clear enough picture. the ptsd wasn’t diagnosed until i was 20 and by that time it was way too late.

and it’s like, not only did i drop out of high school and not get my ged until i was 21, i didn’t even GO to high school in the first place. and i have literally never forgiven myself for that. like it’s an almost universally hated experience ofc but it’s still a universal human experience that i just. never had. and the dumbest fucking part is that anything relating to high school but ESPECIALLY relating to graduating high school/going on to college is honest to god a trigger for me now. like 2 nights ago i literally broke down crying bc i read an article about some famous person’s daughter going to prom. and it’s honestly been this way since i was actually high school age but in the last couple of years it’s expanded to include anything relating to college as well. and like every single day i try to convince myself that i’m over it but every single night i’m reminded i’m not.

so it’s like, not only did i not go to high school or college and miss out on all the benefits of higher education, but i also missed out on all of the socialization that comes with it. i literally have no friends and have had no friends since i was 11 bc the one friend i had moved away(ironically enough) the year after sixth grade and i also have absolutely no idea how to MAKE friends. plus the idea i have of myself in my head is still the person all my peers saw me as in sixth grade which is like. not even human. so i’m constantly self-deprecating and like i KNOW that’s annoying i KNOW people hate that but at the same time it’s like hardwired into my brain and i genuinely do not know how to exist in any other way so instead of like, trying to make friends that i know i will eventually drive away i just continue to isolate myself.

and i have literally no life experience! i spent my entire youth convinced i’d be dead by now. i didn’t plan for this and now i’m suffering the consequences. i’m almost 24 but i feel like i’m 10 years behind everybody else my age. i never went to high school, i never went to college, i didn’t get my first Actual job until i was 22(the online transcription i started at 19 doesn’t count), i didn’t get my license until i was 23 and i have already totaled my first and only car and given up on driving completely. i have never dated anyone. i’ve never had sex. i’ve never kissed anyone. i’ve never even held hands for crying out loud i’m literally a turbo virgin. i Don’t want to be like this anymore but i have to idea how to claw myself out of this hole that i’ve dug myself to die in.

like i feel like i’m trying so fucking hard but i’m just not trying hard enough. i wanted to get out of south carolina as soon as i could bc i couldn’t fucking breathe there and i thought i did everything right this time. i got a job that i hated and worked for a year and saved up money and lost 75 pounds and bought myself a car and drove 2500 miles to los angeles and then what? i applied for a job i didn’t want, drove 30 minutes to an interview where i was told i wasn’t qualified, and got in a car crash on the way back to my airbnb that totaled my car. and ever since then i’ve just been sulking, and continuing to isolate, and essentially just driving myself insane, and all for what?

like i’m NOT suicidal. i don’t want to kill myself. i want to live. i just don’t want to live like THIS. and i really do feel like my life is never going to get any better and i’ll be stuck like this forever and like. i don’t know how to stop feeling this way and i don’t know how to stop BEING this way and like. yeah.

[survivormarmoreal]

Episode #3: "i told him i loved sicko mode( which i dont)" - bryce

Today no one has been online so our tribe has been quiet. But we have our alliance together so thats good.

John is gone? Good. I don't want to work with anyone who chooses Boston Rob as an avatar. No thank you.

Okay so this challenge is interesting...it really could be anybody's game. Luckily I know Brian is really good with music so I'm hoping that will come in handy for us. Other than that who tf knows. I just hope we stay safe.

This music video challenge is really hard. Hopefully we could pull another win and stay safe again. It would really suck if we would lose this challenge.

so I just woke up. like ~ 6-7 hours after the challenge announcement. AND THESE FREAKS ARE ALREADY DONE. WTF LET ME HELP.

no no. For real. I am so happy, I am not used to a tribe working this well together in challenges. I am SO SO HAPPY

We actually just murdered the challenge. We finished it in like less than 12 hours. We are beasts at these challenges. I just really hope that we got them all right because that gives us a great shot at winning. Even if we lose I'm in a great spot with Four of a Kind and Nicole is an obvious first boot. But I would still love to keep this win streak going for a little while.

I swear, I go offline for one night... I come back and literally EVERY song is done... I mean go on carry me to immunity thats fine.

So the last couple of days has been quiet since we did win immunity again, but I do have some tea to spill in here, and I love spilling tea hehe...

So I got nothing from my trip to Wonderland, but that's OK!  I'd rather get nothing then get something bad for my game.  In addition to that, though, the more juicy ish is that Sharky told me that Maynor is trying to get a group together of the 4 men not including me (or Nicole, obviously).  He probably already succeeded in that, but I do know, based on what Sharky said, that their first target would be Nicole followed up by me.  "It's not that Maynor doesn't like you, because he does, but he just thinks this is the group."  Maynor better hope that I don't swap with him because I do not mind having to flip on his ass and send him home at this point.  I'd love to stick to tribal lines and think I could find comfort in them if we swap, but I also literally don't care if I wasn't included in an alliance.

So while I know I have Sharky with my back and Maynor not with it at all, that still leaves Charlie, Nicole, and Dennis.  Nicole doesn't really talk much to anyone, so I'm kinda just gonna sneak in over the next 24 hours and make sure to solidify something with her so that I could work with her if need be.  Dennis and I talk from time to time, but I think if I can play on the fact that we both play League more, then I can solidify something with him... and Charlie and I talked about something between the two of us already, so I feel good there, but he didn't warn me about the Maynor alliance thing, so I know he doesn't trust me fully yet (which, might I add, just shows how I have to keep him at a distance).  I feel like if we can win this challenge and potentially swap next round, I will so amazing... because I might swap onto a tribe with a bunch of amazing people that will help me kill some of these annoying hoes on my current tribe (I'm looking @ you, Maynor).  My tribe's kinda hard to talk to, so I really need this... I need Marie... Godt... help me tf out because I am DYINNNGGG.....

I worked on videos 2 and 3 last night and almost finished it except like missing 2 songs. When i woke this morning, tribe finished all of video 1 and the 2 that i was missing. I really like our tribe, its really active and they work hard on the challenges. Going to be sad when there is a tribe swap, hopefully i get some of my alliance with me or Brian. Atleast someone i could work with.

Our spreasheets is being locked. I hope that we have the right answers. I really want to win again so hopefully we win immunity again.

Soooo I woke up and the tribe had finished our challenge before I even got to contribute....annoying because now if we lose I’ll be booted for not helping. Still I’m having fun even though I really only talk to Dennis and Charlie.

We won. Again. I wish I had something more interesting to say but I'm in a majority alliance, on a physically dominant tribe, I know who has the idol, and I'm feeling super comfortable. The only thing that worries me is an impending swap. In that situation idk what I would do…

O M G. We won by 1 point. I literally died and came back. Im so happy that we are safe again. Only thing is I’m nervous about us being ‘recommended’ to be online tomorrow. Maybe its nothing and I’m looking into it too much. Lets hope the swap is after one more vote. But who knows cuz it could be swapped into 3 tribes of 5.

okay so i forgot to mention but nathan has vote spy so wooh. also so i found a potion today and instead of being loyal and smart and gifting it to nathan since he hadnt guessed yet. i took it for myself and now have to wait another day to see if i get sth new. maybe itll work out maybe not. but we won tribal so um wooh. i kind of carried but im pretty sure i also put the wrong ellie goulding song so uh give and take NNN. still love nathan, nick is fun when hes on, annabelle talks for like 1 minute at a time but shes busy so hope we connect more, jayden... ignores me also i told him i loved sicko mode( which i dont) but his pfp was astroworld.. close enough. they were talking about rap in the chat so i changed my picture to amine and kevin abstract to try to get their attention but did not succeed KDAJFHKAJD one day ill bond…

YAY WE WON!!! I hate selfie scavenger hunt. Ill get more in depth when there's you know... actual depth to get into... safety is fun but I dont have confessional material right now. Also HAHA KEATON YOU GOT A VOTE TOO (sticks tongue out)

I didn't even do the challenge and I feel like I'm going home because I've been really busy and barely active so I'm really sad. Hopefully I can get people like Matt or BC to save me.

Our tribe are such kings, yet another win!! Despite the happiness of being safe, I am kinda worried. If our entire tribe makes the merge it just makes us targets, and honestly I don't see the point. Nicole isn't really online much and from what I can gather it doesn't seem like anyone is closely allied with her.

Yes, what I'm saying is that we're considering, let's say, "Not putting our best effort" into this challenge. Dennis and I have talked about it already, and I do think it's for the best. You only have to look at the healers in HvHvH to see why it's not a good idea to always win!

I hope it's not a live trivia challenge. Cos I love those and it will suck if I have to not try my best on it.

One point... really? I had to log off because I needed to be up early in the morning. There are two people that did absolutely nothing for the challenge. They had 24 hours to do at least SOMETHING, and then we would have won. But no.

tbh the complete lack of giving a fuck on my tribe has left me super demotivated. I'm sick of staying up until 1am every night for this while others do fuck all. we're voting Marie because she's never around and hasn't contributed significantly to any challenge yet. sorry if you were expecting something more exciting than that.

so we lost the challenge. BY ONE FUCKING POINT. Like what is the point?? i slaved for ages looking for those videos, doing both videos 1 and 2 and some of 3. like hello tribe? please pull your weight? or like? I want you all gone? This vote thankfully should have a straightforward result, like marie is basically non existent and doesn't really try. The transcontinental trio have basically come to that consensus that it'll be Marie, so like it should be because we have a majority. Im praying for a swap HONESTLY.

I was driving home from Maine so I’m super glad the guys pulled through and won this one since I fell on ice and I’m in a stupid amount of pain and I didn’t want to potentially be voted out when I’m hurting this bad so whenever these are released seriously seriously thank you to the 4 of you that got all of it done you’re all amazing

Im a little nervous tonight for the semi-live challenge after tribal tonight but also more nervouse that it isnt a challenge by a possible 3 tribe swap

BC quits.

[badweatherbiologist]

one of those days

you guessed it. it’s time again

for some reason these days never hit me out of the blue. it’s always right after i watched a show in which they like do heavy research on someone’s background, after I’ve been around people close to me for too long, or after i get upset. one of those days, where my brain is just tired.

it never hits out of the blue, like i said. in general, it’s a very short and rapid build up. i fight with someone who oversteps my boundaries. someone crosses a line. someone else gets angry. in the meanwhile, people on the net, my friends, my irl friends and family all seem to want stuff from me. it’s like i’m caught in a spider’s web, but the web is just everyone sucking up my energy.

result: i get depleted. hardcore with a migraine to top it all off. and in those moments, i’m torn between wanting to cry, wanting to be alone, and wanting someone to just like sit with me

in silence

instead of being so loud

like my brain can’t function like this

i have so many things to be happy about too, you know. friends are doing well. brother is doing well. everyone did good on their exams.

notice how i don’t speak about anything about myself

because literally everything is going to shit again

but it doesn’t matter

for some reason people are only happy with me when i’m catering to their needs again. i thought by putting boundaries there, it’d stop, but people just don’t give a fuck, don’t respect them, don’t listen to anything i want or need unless they’re literally family (friends included) and even then, it’s fucking difficult

like i spent a night at my friends’ place, had a great time, even if i felt this coming on last night after we watched Hannibal, the series. for some reason, seeing socio/psychopaths exploit empaths really doesn’t do it for me the way it does for everyone else, but i guess we have different views. i could say the same about the god damn sherlock fandom, which still thinks that being high functioning and a sociopath doesn’t mean their fav is a sociopath, without feelings, thus imo, not even worth oxygen, but again, i’m biased.

i love my friends a lot, i do, but i think me watching Hannibal was a mistake. i kept getting overly distracted by Hannibal, i kept being unable to focus because my brain was already processing things, and then, for some reason, a friend of mine crossed the boundary.

one of them started whining about how i didn’t welcome them enough and how i didn’t want them in my discord server (which i literally made because i wanted her to meet my friends online, bc she and they are important to me) then another downright blocked me on everything when i told him to stop something

like i don’t know what people want from me, i can’t bend myself and my self esteem in a trizillion ways to please people, and i refuse, but the fact that neither of them gave enough of a fuck to apologise says more about them than about me.

then i went to bed and had a conversation with another friend/b and we talked about sociopathy, which did nothing to help my feels, and i woke up at 4 and have been awake ever since. then, the morning was nice, i played cah with my friends and it was great. then we start talking about our youths, and how psychologists do help. i confess that i don’t actually tell anyone the entire story simply because they’ll never stop asking questions, and we talk some more. then it changes to siblings. and the more we talk, the more i realise that even when i was a kid, my parents sidelined me. 

like my brother was born when i was 2, and he was literally sick for about a solid 3 months, during which i stayed at my grandparents place (the sociopath one). they wanted me to be happy that i had a brother but i hated him with my entire being because all of a sudden the parents didn’t give a fuck abt me anymore, it was all about the youngest one. and ofc, i get it, but i didn’t realise that it started that early, because they spent more time in the hospital than with me, really. same on the weekends, we always got sent to the socio grandma (which, even if she did shit things, i still love for partially raising me, and my granddad, bless his soul, ily opa) and from there on no matter what happened, thomas was always protected.

 he got to stay with the same people in schools growing up, whilst all i did was change environments. he got attention i didn’t get. he was the youngest, so he needed to be babied with everything, whilst i got treated like an adult the moment we moved to France. from there on it was literally more about him being ok and protected than it ever was about me being ok. they never cared. he always was allowed to do whatever the fuck he want, but i always got shit for the exact same things.

i was jealous. angry. upset. i have been all of those things for a long time, and right when i believe i can put a line under something, another thing pops up and breaks me. it would have been fine any other day, any other moment. but it wasn’t at that instant. i could tell by the cold shiver that it was going to be fucked.

then my mom randomly calls me, screaming on the phone about how she wants me to be at the airport in 10.

like, again, no fucking boundaries are respected here.

so i go and we talk, they push subjects i don’t want to talk about and explicitly tell them to not inquire about, they leave and i go for a drive, then the same friend who said i didn’t want them on my discord server asks for help and i, being the gentle and caring fucking mother Theresa, help her out, i get a migraine whilst driving, i come home and everyone on my fucking discord server starts pinging me because they want to spend time with me

then i just go in game by myself, offline, one of them somehow fucking manages to find me, and all of a sudden i have 5 people spectating me in game and talking to me

so even though i didn’t want to, i join vc, everyone talks, i’m already tilted because the entire fucking day like broke my back, so to speak, and we lose 2 in a row because there is 0 communication

then my friend calls again

the f/b needs attention and starts ranting about the two lost games like i could fucking do anything about it

my other friend wants to know if i’m coming over again

the in game friend wants to know if i’m okay

like i say i want to be left alone

and immediately i get pinged

like i’m just tired of everyone not caring

i’m tired of caring for people who don’t care for me

i really want people to like respect my needs and to leave me the fuck alone but alas, that only happens when i actually cry, so i’ll try that next time

i’m just tired of people in general. i don’t really want to see anyone nor talk to them because all they will make me want to do is just kill myself.

(that was ironic, i don’t want to actually fucking die, but i do want to disappear and literally watch how everyone would just be unable to cope with their shitty life without me, because that’s how it is)

cheers, and don’t fucking @ me