#i thought it would work as a new blog just under the same email

[as-rare-as-trees]

What do you mean you can't follow people from a sideblog

[floatingcatacombs]

Bro Your Taste....

12 Days of Aniblogging 2023, Day 5

Watching the Elitist Anime Superbowl play out earlier this year on Tumblr reawakened something in me. Seeing Evangelion lose to Mononoke like that in round two felt downright heretical. But why? I started but never finished NGE and I haven’t even seen Mononoke, so I shouldn’t have a dog in the fight. And yet, there’s an unspoken yet established hierarchy in my brain that tells me that Eva is better than Mononoke. These polls were a bit of a wake-up call for me that this isn't actually a common framework or approach anymore! So I thought it might be worthwhile to give an account of what anime elitism meant, and means, to me.

tldr (from KC Green's anime club)

Rather than going through all the shows in the bracket, it may be more useful to start by identifying which internet communities skew elitist in the first place. I started watching anime in the early 2010s, so Usenet and early forums and email discussion groups are lost on me. But I did my time on 4chan, for better or for worse. /a/ is perhaps the textbook example of an elitist community, and I would say that they’re responsible for establishing most of the modern weeb canon. The anime blogosphere, though diminished these days, is also a tastemaker, especially when you start seeking out “hidden gems” to make your taste seem cooler and more unique. I originally considered making Floating Catacombs a WordPress blog to try and link up with some of these folks, but ultimately determined that the baked-in audience of Tumblr would better serve my purposes (and they’re owned by the same damn guy now anyways). Lastly, as those previous communities declined, patchwork groups of elitists began to form on Twitter, where many still reside to this day arguing and ass-kissing amongst one another.

Elitism is, in part, an acknowledgement that the vast majority of anime is dogshit. Just look at any given season and count up the isekai shlock, blatant wish fulfillment high school romances, and mediocre shounens ripping off other mediocre shounens. At least 75% of anime is stuff you’d have to pay me to watch. Of course, this isn't unique to anime, being just as true of live-action TV. The difference is that prestige television doesn't have to compare itself to soap operas or reality TV, whereas anime is still commonly treated as a genre in of itself rather than as a medium. As long as that’s the case, anime elitism will always have a place, as a way to say “oh I like anime but not like that” so your taste doesn’t automatically get lumped in with the most low-quality and/or sexually dubious shows of the time.

And obviously, elitism can just as easily be framed as a reaction against the masses. There’s liking Mushishi for the sake of liking Mushishi, and there’s liking Mushishi because its serenity and thoughtfulness reflect well upon you for being able to appreciate it, unlike those dirty Redditors and MyAnimeList denizens who need fanservice in everything they watch. Unfortunately, this means elitists have a tendency to elevate some truly pretentious stuff that looks cool but just isn’t very compelling or deep under the surface. Ergo Proxy is my personal go-to example of this– how it beat out Stand Alone Complex in that Tumblr poll is a mystery to me. I’d argue that Lain is also overrated in this way, but I don’t want to hurt all the sad neurodivergent extremely online women who probably make up my entire audience.  

One thing I've noticed is that elitist communities don’t make a ton of art or fanfic or other creative works. For them, the primary way to participate in fandom is to argue over whether or not a show was good, or if a given part of a show was good (waifu wars, etc). This makes the output of these sites fairly ephemeral (in particular, imageboards automatically delete threads to make room for new ones), but it also means that people will constantly repeat themselves and get in the same arguments to make themselves persistently heard. We’re still arguing about Evangelion 25 years later, after all! After using shows as a cudgel against other shows for a long enough time, you can start to form a hierarchy of notable anime in ways that you can’t really with Tumblr or Reddit or any other community that largely hops from show to show as they come out.

The canon for anime elitism is mostly contained to the late 90s and 2000s, and I think there’s a few reasons for that. As I brought up in the Patlabor post, the 80s are something of a dark age for broadcast anime, while the 90s contain some of the last beautiful breaths of cel animation. The 2000s were when 4chan had an outsized presence online, so it makes sense that a lot of shows deemed elitist come from the era where their taste was king. By the mid-2010’s, after GamerGate, moot’s departure, and the blatant fascism on every board, 4chan’s cultural clout had effectively zeroed out.

There’s also the blunt argument that simply fewer cool artsy anime get made these days. Ping Pong is one of the last truly “elitist” shows I can point to, and that was nearly a decade ago. Due to the overlapping issues of anime overproduction, poor working conditions, and production committees seeking ever-safer investments, a lot of the stuff that comes out these days has a very workmanlike quality to it, competent but never targeting excellence.

OHHH YEAHHHHH

But my final reason for the decline of elitism is a wholly good one – more people are appreciating the good stuff these days! Watching anime has somehow become a normal hobby for the teens that grew up after me, no longer something that needs to be hidden and consigned to small school anime clubs. While battle shounen still reigns supreme, it’s probably leagues better than the comparable stuff from 10 or 20 years ago (though still pretty damn misogynist most of the time). More importantly, new fans and old-guard elitists actually agree on the good stuff! Works like Mob Psycho 100 and Trigun Stampede were huge hits and bridged the gap between these groups through their quality and style, and in Trigun’s case by re-adapting a classic. The breakthrough success of Bocchi the Rock demonstrates that people can vibe with more experimental animation now, and it doesn’t have to be relegated to its own sphere outside of the anime mainstream. And Oshi no Ko has a difficult “dude trust me” pitch but successfully synthesized the pretentious and the mass-market in terms of both its audience and its themes. (I would guess. I haven’t actually seen Oshi no Ko either. An important, unspoken part of anime elitism is lying about half the stuff you’ve seen and just going with the flow on how people around you felt about it). Combining an old-school 90’s-2000s feel with insane pacing and fights, Chainsaw Man similarly captured a wide audience. Even if people have qualms with the overall quality of the adaptation, that one episode shot like a movie won me over. It’s good that some of the most popular anime can be artsy as well, and if that’s what ultimately does elitism in, it will be a happy ending. May poptimism save us all.

In the meantime, elitism lives on in the manga world, where smug assholes can talk about how they liked a series before it got adapted. Manga is very popular these days, but that's mainly driven by people diving into the source material for anime that they enjoyed. This leaves fundamentally unadaptable manga as the last bastion of elitism, which makes sense when you consider how people talk about Berserk.

I’ll leave you with some rapid-fire hot takes of mine.

Steel Ball Run is not that good and its ranking on MyAnimeList as the second best manga of all time is nonsense. It will receive more proper crit in a few years once the inevitable David Production adaptation shines a light on its more troublesome bits.

After rewatching it this year, I can say with clarity that Everyone Is Sleeping On Concrete Revolutio

Goodnight Punpun kind of sucks! Might just be me.

As far as beloved 90’s psychological anime goes, 4chan and Reddit historically love Eva, while Tumblr overwhelmingly went for Utena in that poll. This whole thing smacks of gender.

The Gundam fandom historically has something of a reputation for misogyny, so it’s really funny and good that my exposure has instead been almost entirely trans women on tumblr. We will inherit the mecha genre.

Actually, screw manga, there is only one vector for anime elitism now, and it’s Thunderbolt Fantasy. You gotta get in on Gen Urobuchi’s Wild Puppet Show.

[obsessivelyloved]

I've read a bunch of your stuff for a while now, and it only just occurred to me that you don't really write for the Yan who attack their affection. I mean, yeah they get "punished" but not actually killed or maimed. That's not a bad thing! I just noticed cause I write Yan totally different and its p cool!

Like, I write them as a horror trope. All the obsessiveness building, a desire to take and control, to dissect the target socially or mentally or even physically, so the Yan knows them inside and out, and no one else can know them the same way. And if that hurts the target, then that doesn't matter.

Meanwhile, you write it more as a romantic or overprotective thing. "The world is bad, and I'll keep you away from it", where its more delusional(? Sorry, I don't know a nicer word for it) than straight up possessive.

I don't mean anything bad by this. Honestly, I think it's super cool! A base concept being two entirely separate subgenres(?) based on interpretation is just awesome, imo! And I'm not trying to say the two styles are exclusive, either! Just a sliding spectrum type deal.

I love your work, and would love to hear your thoughts! Like, do you intentionally stick to Possessive and/or Protective, or is it something you don't even think about? What inspires you? What's your go to trope when thinking about a new au/Yan?

I hope this isn't too much of a bother! Honestly, it's not even really a question, more of just an observation/admiration.

It's not a bother at all! This was honestly fun to receive as no one's ever asked me questions like this. I'm so sorry I got so rambly and excited that I'm gonna have to put this under a read more 😭

I do intentionally stick to the whole Possessive/Protective/Delusionall way of writing for my fics! Growing up, nearly all the yandere fics I could get my hands on and read were violent. I loved reading yandere stuff but so much of it had me baffled and wondering if the yandere even loved their love interest. A lot of it was yanderes hurting and berating their love interest. I just could not wrap my head around the why when I was younger, especially since I was facing abuse at home. My reasoning when I was a pre-teen was a yandere was supposed to be insanely in love with a person, why behead them? (Actual fic I read on devientart)

You can probably tell on my blog since I do this now still, but I bounced a lot between platonic yandere and romantic yandere. Some of my platonic works float around somewhere (I wrote platonic yandere father England to America for Hetalia at some point LMAO) but not much of my old stuff is in my docs. My dad would go through my shit every once and a while and so I was so paranoid with my writings that a lot of stuff is just sitting in one google docs of an email that I can't quite remember.

That was quite long-winded but it's just my go-to. It started out as intentionally writing stuff this way and now I hardly ever think about it. I'm not sure how easy this is to tell from my blog, but I've been suffering from depression for years. I get periods where I feel so energized and alive and ready to write that I spam this or my other blogs with writing. Most of my inspiration comes from those periods, when I receive asks and am actually in the headspace to get the picture out of my brain.

Half the time though, I get the inspiration from stuff I read or watch! And I'm not sure if this counts as a trope, but quite a bit starts as a platonic yandere thing. I think of Tord mainly, being overprotective over a child, and then once I get that out of my system the au shifts. The Android Tord au actually started that way before I shifted to Tord focusing on the other 3! The platonic thing also started when I was young, again from the abuse I was facing at home.

If that doesn't count as a trope, then I suppose robots/unhuman entities! I have quite a few aus like that on here haha. I just love the concept and use it a lot for different aus/scenarios. A concept I've kept in my brain for a long, LONG time is of Zombie Tord taking care of a small child alongside a robot version of himself that he built. Bits and pieces exist in my docs but I've never really written anything coherently lol.

Wait now that you've got me going!!! HOMESTUCK!! I have this bigass au that's remained in my brain off any docs or paper for YEARS! I've tried writing it in a way to post but I've just never gotten very far since there's so much lore and detail that I need for people to understand but get too overwhelmed. A loooot of stuff starts from that au and branches off into whatever single entity I wrangle it into.

Aside from that, I also just don't bother posting anything from it because man people do not like anything that isn't an x reader or even a reader insert. A lot of my stuff flops hard because it's not x reader-based. Whole other can of worms that I won't get into though!

Thank you so much for sending this! This was so surprising and pleasant to receive!

[trapangeles]

SdotFrmDaBlock Talks “New Money,” Winning The Liq Podcast Open Mic, and His Journey in L.A.’s Music Scene

Emerging from the streets of Los Angeles, SdotFrmDaBlock is making waves with his authentic sound and relatable lyrics. Recently, he took home the win at The Liq Podcast Open Mic and dropped his latest single, “New Money.” In this exclusive interview, SdotFrmDaBlock opens up about his journey, influences, and what’s next for his career.

The Thrill of Winning The Liq Podcast Open Mic

For SdotFrmDaBlock, participating in The Liq Podcast Open Mic was about more than the competition. “Honestly, I was doing it for the fun of music. Rather I won or not, it was the enjoyment behind it,” he shares. The platform gave him a chance to connect with new audiences and grow as an artist.

The Story Behind “New Money”

SdotFrmDaBlock’s single “New Money” stands out as one of his most impactful tracks. “I picked ‘New Money’ as my song to platform because it's one of my most influential songs that I get feedback from performing,” he explains. The track explores how people’s perceptions shift when they see you gaining success. “The main message is how people reflect on your life differently once they see some motion.”

The creative process for “New Money” was all about crafting something universally relatable. “This song was more about something everybody can relate and dance to, which is money and how money can impact,” he says. With its upbeat vibe and thoughtful lyrics, the track is designed to resonate while keeping the energy high.

Shaped by Life and L.A.

Growing up in L.A. has had a profound impact on SdotFrmDaBlock’s artistry. “I would feel like life experiences shape most of my lyrics,” he shares. His style, which he describes as “Street Lyrical Common Sense,” reflects both his personal journey and the realities of his environment.

The influence of Nipsey Hussle has also left a lasting mark on his approach. “As far as the business aspect of music and building a platform, I looked up to people like Nipsey Hussle. His movement taught me to own myself and everything I do,” SdotFrmDaBlock explains.

Lessons from The Liq Podcast

SdotFrmDaBlock’s time on The Liq Podcast Open Mic taught him the value of networking. “From my experience, I’ve always been independent and never really cared to reach out to other artists or podcasts. Liq Podcast just made me a little more open to networking in ways I probably wouldn't normally,” he reflects.

What’s Next for SdotFrmDaBlock

Looking ahead, SdotFrmDaBlock remains committed to consistency. “I drop a single or two every month and try to drop my projects every six to seven months to stay consistent,” he says. His team is also working on an out-of-state tour to expand his reach and gain more experience.

In the next few years, SdotFrmDaBlock envisions himself as one of the biggest L.A. artists in the world. “My consistency and dedication to what I’m doing will get me there. The main impact I want to have is to show people it’s okay to be the underdog sometimes and to just keep going.”

Stay Connected

Fans can keep up with SdotFrmDaBlock on all platforms under SdotFrmDaBlock. “Even my social medias and business emails are all under the same name,” he adds, making it easy to follow his journey and support his music.

Have you been spending all your money and time on making music and shooting videos, but still not getting any exposure? Tired of just spinning your wheels? You know to get exposure you need to get featured on blogs, radio stations, playlist, and get your music e-mail blasted out to the masses. Need help getting all that done? Then check out the Package we’ve made available for you below!

Like & Listen To Our Spotify Playlist

trapLAXradio On The Air Now!

The Latest Music, Videos, News, Entertainment……

[jodilin65]

I hate being in the mood to write but not having much to write about, so I'll have to think of whatever little things I can. I do have an appointment on the 13th, so I might not blog for a day or two before that to have things to write about on the road.

I know I already said this, but I can't wait for my new VR lenses because everything has gotten so blurry I can barely make out street signs when I'm on the road. I've lost track of all the towns I've been through, but I'm heading for Syracuse. My rank is now up to 105 and under 200 on LJ, interestingly enough. I can't really tell my visitors because I don't think I have that blog coded right now.

My-diary is another place I can be reached anonymously (if you create an account in a bogus name) since I have no means of tracking there. Just thought I would throw that out there.

I've always been big on being honest, real, and blunt, and I still am, but I realize that on the Internet, you can be anyone you want to be, and sometimes that really is okay. It's been quite a while, but even I’ve made bogus PB accounts in the past to throw stories on to get an unbiased audience's feedback, being as curious as I am. So I think it's okay to a degree, as long as people don't take it too far. I get the need for unbiased interactions at times, but at the same time, people want to see the real you. So I think it's good to have a healthy, reasonable mix of anonymity and transparency. I even once considered “starting fresh” and befriending Aly from a bogus account.

Twitter has totally gone to hell since Musk took over. I only keep the account because it makes a good photo dump, and it's my only connection to Aly other than our old WhatsApp and Skype chats. To be honest, I'm curious to see how long her account sticks around. I noticed that if I find an interesting picture on Facebook I want to share in an email, I can't copy and paste it directly from Facebook to an email, so I drop it on Twitter and then I can copy and paste from there. Otherwise, it really sucks because you can no longer complain to support about the things that annoy you—not that it did any good in the past, but at least you still had a way to do it. Now you don't.

Someone recently asked themselves why their brain makes up stories, and I can ask myself the same thing. It's mostly when I'm lying down relaxing or unwinding for bed. Sometimes I'll imagine myself in scenarios that I’d either like to see happen or that are totally off the wall and I can't ever imagine them happening. Or sometimes they'll involve people I've seen or don't know at all who are completely random and fictitious people at times. I guess that's just the creative imagination in me. It's where I often get story ideas, along with dreams.

Now that I'm not so focused on editing anymore, I'm going to try to get my creative juices flowing again and resume working on the last story I was working on. I know I could go back and improve old stuff, but I think I'd rather start with fresh stuff or at least stuff that's a lot newer. I don't know that I'll write stories as much as I used to, but I'm going to go over my manuscript soon. I also don't know if I’ll share it or not. I'm mostly writing it for me. If I do share, I understand that the mystery/suspense genre isn't for everyone, so no one's obligated to read it.

[ceciliatan]

How BDSM is Like Frozen Yogurt

So, I'm reorganizing the way I handle my blog(s), email list, Patreon, and social media. I'm going to crosspost a monthly "news and notes" across all platforms. It'll typically open with what I call "Thinky Thoughts," followed by the "news" of where I'm going, where I've been, what I'm working on, and what's new to read. Previously this material was scattered across my various social media and then usual compiled in the newsletter, with sporadic posts at Patreon as well, but now that I'm about to start posting more fiction content to Patreon, it made sense to streamline the rest. This post is the first full "news and notes" update I'm putting on my main blog at ceciliatan.com (and onto Tumblr and Medium and everywhere else it crossposts like LJ, Dreamwidth, Goodreads, etc!). Wherever you're reading it, welcome! Come hear my tale of WHY it is that I'm about to start posting more to Patreon, and how the answer relates to the issue of How BDSM is Like Frozen Yogurt. (If you've already read my newsletter or patreon update, this is the same stuff...)

In this newsletter:

- Thinky thoughts: How BDSM is like Frozen Yogurt - New free read: "A Novel is An Empathy Engine" at Uncanny - Book rec: Light from Uncommon Stars by Ryka Aoki - Upcoming appearances: ICFA! Nebs! Etc! - Talks are live on YouTube now! - WIP Report - Photos from recent travels - Daron's corner

Thinky Thoughts: How BDSM is like Frozen Yogurt

First a quick note about masks and COVID at cons: I just got back from Capricon in Chicago, and a few weeks back we had Arisia here in Boston, right in the midst of a COVID surge. Both cons required masks, and both cons have reported minimal spread afterward. Arisia only 8 cases out of 1200 attendees. Every time I post about this, people try to send me links to studies showing that "masks don't work." Of course, these same people aren't interested in seeing the studies that show masks DO work. What seems evident from the cons I've been to over the past two years is that if you have a science fiction convention with a mask mandate, you get low (but not always zero) spread, and if you have no mask mandate, you have dramatically more cases. If you're a mask skeptic, I would think of it this way: Maybe that's just because the "mask believer" behavior is less risky in all respects while the "no more masks!" crowd is more likely to carry COVID, not because of masks per se, but because of other behaviors? The cause doesn't actually matter, only the results, and so net result: I will be preferentially attending the cons that require masks. The other mitigation strategy I've been employing at cons which I'm really enjoying is this: when I want to have a "let's catch up" meal with someone at a con, instead of going to some noisy restaurant or bar, is having them up to my room and getting either room service or ordering some form of delivery food. It's quieter and we can actually catch up with fewer distractions! And post-COVID, my brain can't handle distractions as well as it used to! And with post-COVID life on my mind, I am now attempting to re-focus my career on my self-publishing efforts. There are a few reasons for this, but one is definitely a feeling that time is finite. The COVID infection I had in September probably shortened my lifespan and/or my brain's useful working years remaining. And I have a LOT of stories I still want to tell. Another is that it's become clear to me that right now the big publishers are just not that into me. The "kink fad" is over for them. But in indie/self publishing, the readers are still there. If you haven't heard me gripe about it elsewhere yet, The Vanished Chronicles is not going to come out from Tor, even though they've had the series under contract now since Obama was president. I got reassigned to a new editor a while back, and she's not enthused about it. So the rights are coming back to me, and I will be putting the wheels in motion to self-publish in the future.

HOW BDSM IS LIKE FROZEN YOGURT Do you remember back when there were exactly two places you could get frozen yogurt and they were knock-offs of each other? TCBY and ICBY: The Country's Best Yogurt and I Can't Believe it's Yogurt. The main place you would find TCBY and ICBY was in airports and in mall food courts. I don't know which one came first, but the point is that they were a staple in these big capitalist slots for decades. They were basically like soft-serve ice cream, but made with yogurt, which was nominally "health food" but whatever. Then in the early 2000s, here in Cambridge, MA, a company started up called Berryline (their two stores were along the Red Line T, one by Harvard and one by MIT) with the concept that they wanted frozen yogurt that actually tasted like yogurt (much more sour) and not faux ice cream. They quickly had lines out the door and expanded to a third location, etc. Capitalists took notice. This area is known for incubating successful chain concepts, and quickly a whole passel of copycat chains began proliferating across the country. Pinkberry, Red Mango, Yogurtland, 16 Handles, and more and more. The peak came around 2012... right around when the 50 Shades of Grey hype was exploding. Kinky books had a similar trajectory. For decades there were a couple of stodgy, reliable outlets for them: Blue Moon Books and Black Lace among them, which could be very reliably found in the chain bookstores like Borders, Waldenbooks, and Barnes & Noble. They were the ICBY and TCBY of BDSM books. But upstart publishers like Circlet Press, and romance publishers who were starting to dabble in kink, showed there was upward movement in the market, then the 50 Shades boom happened, and all of a sudden every big publisher was acquiring kinky books. When my book Slow Surrender hit the market was at the peak of this boom, which is why that book was sold in Target, alongside Christina Lauren, Sylvia Day, Tara Sue Me, et cetera. But of the ten (TEN!) fro-yo places that tried to open in my neighborhood during the boom... ZERO of them are still in business. Even the Berryline store that had opened a few blocks from my house has closed. Does this mean people don't like frozen yogurt anymore? Not at all. There are still a few shops doling it out to dedicated customers. But the craze for it is over. And the craze for BDSM and kink among the big publishers is over. Does this mean readers don't want it anymore? No. There are still thriving readerships for both queer and het BDSM, but the authors who are doling it out are back in the indie/self-publishing spaces for the most part. So that's where I'm redirecting my energy now. Into my own books and my own efforts. I took a workshop recently, offered by the SFWA romance writers subgroup, about writer burnout. They asked, when was the last time you really felt energized and lit up by your work? When was the last time you really felt on fire for it, like you couldn't wait to get to the computer to write? For me, that feeling was when I was juggling serializing The Prince's Boy and Daron's Guitar Chronicles simultaneously while I was writing Magic University. Far from feeling "burned out" by all that work, I was waking up every morning with writing ideas, and going to sleep every night thinking about my characters. So. It's time I leaned in to my queer and kinky stuff again, time to listen to my muse and not try to chase a Big 5 trend. It was nice to ride a capitalist wave for a while, because that's what got me out of credit card debt and onto a decent financial footing really for the first time ever. And it would be great if another publisher wanted to throw a lot of dollars (or Euros) at me, but for now I should be concentrating on controlling my own creative and financial future. CHANGES TO THIS NEWSLETTER & PATREON What that means is I'm getting organized to start serializing some of my works in progress through my Patreon. My plan is to keep sending out this email newsletter once a month, but I'll also crosspost it to Patreon (where there is now a free "follow" function) and to my blog(s). I expect to begin a weekly serial on the Patreon within the next couple of months. What I haven't figured out yet is WHICH of the back-burner projects to serialize first. One entire book of The Vanished Chronicles is finished and in the can, but I'm letting my agent solicit a few other publishers about that before I do anything with it myself (but I'm expecting it'll come back to me). I also have a very queer cyberpunk novel that has been in the works for over 10 years. And a "trapped in a game" series that would be ideal to serialize. And so on. I will probably run a poll next month asking for which to do first! People also keep asking me for book recommendations! I'm going to try to read more, and try to recommend at least one book per month in the newsletter. Thanks for reading this newsletter whether you are getting it through Mailchimp or on one of my other platforms! (Please consider getting it through Patreon if you're not as they seem to be the best at bypassing the spam filters...? They have some secret sauce!)

New Essay

I have a new essay up for reading at Uncanny Magazine! It's entitled "A Novel Is An Empathy Engine." My previous essay at Uncanny ("Let Me Tell You...") goes viral every few years when some new crop of MFA students discovers it and gets their minds blown. (It's a rant about how "show, don't tell" is bad writing advice and details how that belief works against both sf/f as genres and anyone writing from a marginalized point of view.) I figured there was no way I would be able to replicate that virality, so I just zeroed in on a topic near and dear to my heart, which is fiction as a tool (possibly THE ONLY proven effective tool) for building empathy. While many writers, going all the way back to Aristotle (!) have spouted that fiction is good for the soul, we actually have a lot of proof coming out of cognitive science that both people's urge to empathize and their capacity for empathy are increased by reading fiction. Read the new essay here: "A Novel Is An Empathy Engine"

Watch more talks online!

By coincidence, I had two separate talks go live on Youtube this past week! - "Death to Show, Don't Tell!" This was a talk that partly grew out of that old Uncanny rant about "show, don't tell." I did it a while ago for Writing the Other, where K. Tempest Bradford, Rebecca Makkai, and I spend an hour absolutely trashing the old saw. WTO finally released it into the wild for all to see. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YZUYNz5bSik - The other was the event that I just did with Ann Bannon, the "Queen of Lesbian Pulp" put on by the Rare Book & Manuscript Library of the University of Illinois Champaign-Urbana. The recording is now up for anyone who missed it! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IeyaveFkFXQ - Finally, my Writing the Other master class on Writing Bi/Pan Characters is now available on demand. Folks can pay to watch it anytime. https://writingtheother.com/on-demand-bisexual-pansexual-master-class/

Book Rec!

I'm still kicking myself I didn't get a selfie with Ryka Aoki when we were on a panel together at Arisia on "Writing with the Rainbow." (Along with Elijah Kinch Spector, JR Dawson, and Sacchi Green). Knowing that the panel was coming up, I bought the ebook LIGHT FROM UNCOMMON STARS intending to read it before the con. I actually didn't manage to start it until after the con though, which is just as well, or I would have spent the whole panel gushing at Ryka about what a great book it was. LIGHT FROM UNCOMMON STARS is a little hard to describe, because the book biz wants to make very hard divisions between "science fiction" and "fantasy" -- much the way many people insist on making very hard divisions between "male" and "female," and then when an example comes along that doesn't fit their neatly labeled boxes, they get angry and try to pretend it doesn't exist. Very fortunately, people did NOT pretend this book didn't exist, and instead embraced its madcap mix of space aliens who run a SoCal donut shop and violinists who sold their souls to the devil. The book garnered a Hugo finalist slot and won the Otherwise Award, and it is a DELIGHT to read. If that's enough to convince you, just go read it and discover the book's delights for yourself. (I get a kickback if you buy through either of these links: Amazon - Bookshop.org) What I loved about this book is that all these disparate elements felt like they came together very organically. There is classical music nerdery in spades (you guys already know about my fandom for TwoSet Violin, right?), and a trans coming of age story, and heaps and heaps of Asian diaspora representation. The "representation" felt much more natural to me here than it did in "Death by Bubble Tea by Jennifer Chow, a cozy mystery I also read recently (Amazon, Bookshop). Both books are set in Southern California and have a lot of scenes set in Asian-family owned restaurants and food establishments. Part of what feels different between them might just be I am not as much of a mystery reader as a science fiction reader. I liked Death by Bubble Tea almost in spite of how it felt a little "paint by numbers", but I LOVED Light from Uncommon Stars.  Content warning: Some trans readers may be triggered when Katrina experiences misgendering and abuse in the course of the story. Ryka Aoki is a trans woman and presents a very clear-eyed view of what Katrina goes through, neither sensationalizing it nor downplaying it. Ultimately this is a sweet book with a lot of healing in it, though. 

Works in Progress Report

The Vanished Chronicles, as I mentioned above, is not going to come from Tor after all. I know, I know. We came SO CLOSE to book one, Initiates of the Blood, being released in 2018 that we handed out tote bags and swag at the RT convention featuring the book's cover. I know this will be disappointing news to some of you who are waiting for it to come out. Now that it's coming back to me, the title of the book and what format it appears in are up for grabs again. I am expecting I will serialize the chapters on Patreon, for paying patrons only, unless my agent finds another publisher willing to cough up a lot of dough for it. I was never in love with the title "Initiates of the Blood," so we'll probably be trying to cook up a new title. What a Man Wants was a short story I wrote a while back for the Ladies of Trade Town anthology edited by Lee Martindale, but it always wanted to grow into a novel, and I played with expanding it into one a few years back, but projects under contract took priority. Read the full article

[slowtravelingcat]

Special Edition: Reflections on a year of work and diversity annual reports 

Monday, December 13th, 2021

CAL - I ignore this morning’s alarm as I lay stretched out in the center of the bed. Michele, my best friend, and roommate lays next to me. She stirs quietly, as she reaches for the snooze button. I creep up to my favorite spot as my whiskers tickle her face and I start to purr. This is how we start each workday. 

My story starts around this time last year when I was first introduced to the idea of “work”. Michele brought me along to her job to celebrate National Bring Your Cat to Work Day (which everyone knows happens on the 3rd Friday of every December). During that pivotal day, I followed Michele to all of her meetings, learned about her job on the diversity, equity, and inclusion team, and even made a cameo on some of her video conference calls. I enjoyed the day and wrote a blog about it that evening. What I did not know, however, was that day would change my life forever. 

As a result of my performance, I was allowed to attend more and more meetings. Before I knew it, Michele was offering me a job as an Associate Program Manager. She said that she had work for me to do on something called the Diversity Annual Report. I would be paid in head scratches, belly rubs, and unsalted turkey jerky. Those are my three favorite things; I could not believe my good fortune!

Before I could finish celebrating, however, the roller coaster had already begun.

Under my supervision, we started the project like any good cat – by making friends. We met all sorts of new people across the entire company. I could quickly tell who was a cat person and who was not. I advised Michele using my animal intuition and, together we navigated one disagreement after the next.

Just when I thought things could not get any more difficult, our workload seemed to explode. We took on the task of literally herding cats. Yes, I too did not believe that was a real job, however, it’s actually written in the fine print when you accept a role on the diversity team. Luckily for everyone else, I was uniquely suited for the role.

The project progressed, but it felt like every step forward resulted in two steps back, but such is the nature of herding cats. I told Michele to be patient, forge ahead, and trust that everyone was going in the same direction. There were many late nights during this time period, but the head scratches and unsalted turkey jerky never ceased.

As we neared the deadline, it seemed like nothing would ever come together. I knew it was finally time to teach Michele a very important lesson, a lesson that all cats are born knowing : Bossy bitches get shit done. 

With knowledge of this new truth, Michele took on a new persona where she emailed, texted, called, slacked, and snapped each project team member at all hours. She demanded answers to important questions and stipulated work to be completed off-hours. Time seemed to stand completely still in the last few days leading to the report’s release. I thought it would never end. 

However, time marched forward. Eventually, life was breathed into the diversity annual report, and everyone on the project team collapsed into exhaustion. As I watched the accolades pour in, I took great pride in my role as the unsung hero behind the project’s success. Everyone knows it takes a cat to pull something like this off.

As I drift in and out of dreams of diversity reporting glory, Michele gently shakes me awake. She informs me that it’s time to start a new diversity annual report. I feel conflicted as I know the work will be hard, but I also know that I will be surrounded by friends. I outwardly complain to cover up the sense of warmth that slowly spreads across my heart. It’s time to push ourselves to create something truly remarkable… a little bit of progress. 

[wutlaikalikes]

bugs and socials

just some of my thoughts, scroll past

>>> Tumblr tags bugged?

About a month ago, I noticed that posts I initially posts private then changed to public the next day doesn't show under in-blog tags. And a couple of days I go, I mentioned that the email support I get from Tumblr support was kinda disappointing.

I think on my second email to them, I asked if the posts were bugged and if its a known issue. But of course, it could be an internal thing and I didn't address that inquiry.

And just today, I received another email basically acknowledging my report, which I'm relieved they finally understood the issue. There were a couple of names that would answer my emails, so I guess some of them didn't understand what I was saying. I might have been too detailed or flowery with my emails... or you know, I've worked on contact support as well, maybe they just want to go home? I get chu tho but maybe don't do that? lol

Anyways, if you are new to Tumblr, you can organize your posts using tags and feature them somewhere on your blog page. You can check out this article from the Tumblr Help Center. Organizing with Tags

>>> Twitter

Honestly, I'm just waiting for HoloPlus to be released outside Japan cause that is the only reason why I go to Twitter (I refuse to call it X). But earlier today, I read a Tweet from a fanbase, the actor they like is leaving Twitter. They understood why but, this is the point that I agree on, the community that they built is on Twitter. And its not exactly easy to use Threads with the same comforts as Twitter. You can't suddenly tell a whole community to move to a new social media, especially Threads.

If there is something I will miss on Twitter, that is the bookmarks. I like post heavily. I use bookmarks to easily find posts that I want to silently follow or images that I want to use as reference or for memes.

I also like to use lists. This would sound like I'm stalking but there are certain individuals that I follow privately and I added them to a private list cause I'm a little shy to follow them openly.

But what I would miss the most are basically people that I follow there. I don't use Twitter just for Holostars, I do follow other vtubers outside HoloPro. I also follow some celebrities like Mark Hamill (I'm not sure if he manages his Instagram but he has one). There are also artist there that mainly uses Twitter promote their art. And there are artist that I follow who specializes in sexually explicit art (usually BL).

>>> Instagram

But I wanted to try Instagram and Threads, I used to use Instagram a lot with especially when I used to experiment with facepainting and special effects make-up. But I put a hold on to that cause I got unmotivated when an uncle told me it was ugly. I mean tell me is it? Also when uncle said that, it was summer and I wasn't doing much make-up stuff anyway due to the heat in my room. I basically just fell off since then. But I kinda wanna use it again but to post my drawings. I do use Tumblr and deviantArt. Though, I am thinking of dropping deviantArt because of recent policies.

I do have Instagram on mobile and I actually hate using it. I know it is intended to be used on mobile but I usually use my computer more. The thing I don't like with the browser version of Instagram is that I can't control how I would like to crop my photo. It starts on the middle always. Unlike on mobile there is more freedom to choose. I guess I can just crop them before post but seriously though, why not have the same option?

>>> Threads

I really shouldn't have made an account. Honestly, I did that just so I can keep the username I usually use. After making an account, I discovered that I didn't have to worry about it since it uses the same login as Instagram. I also discovered right away that I can't delete the account unless I also want to delete my Instagram... that part sucked!

Sure there are room for improvements but its been about 3 months and the only change I've seen is that they added a following section. Which is great and all but I think one of the feature Twitter users like, that they decided to remove, is circles. Having a public account but keep some posts private and only visible to friends is a great feature. Sure, you can limit who can respond but that little security that only select people can see your posts, is a great feature.

Seriously Threads, Twitter is removing Circles. I think you can add that feature, users love that feature.

>>> final thoughts

I actually hate having many accounts. Currently right now the one I use the most is Tumblr. At some point in the past, I also considered deleting Instagram and deviantArt. But for now, I'm going to keep them.

links: Instagram || Threads || Twitter || deviantArt || Tumblr (secondary blog for art)

[cosmosflowers92]

so i guess.....

i should start by explaining why im here and why i decided to create a whole new email just to be able to make this blog in the first place.

i have discovered that if you have a group of friends that you can not vent safely to them about the other without causing them to start to hate eachother...which is my fault, i should of created a safe space for me to vent a long time ago, now my two best friends cant stand eachother and we all live together!!!

the other day my friend we will call her "A" and i got into because me and my other friend lets call her "M" have offered to pay a little extra in rent to help her with her portion because her contracted job ended and she is having trouble landing another position that suited to her liking, well since we have offered this some life troubles have effected both me and M. i had to spend 2000 on my mouth and M had to drop almost 1200 on her car. all in all we were always planning on still giving her the extra help but we wanted to all sit down and look at everyone's finances and determine what would be the best rout for all of us. A thought that meant that we are going to hold her to the fire over the way she has treated us since losing her job. she has become explosive and will say some really hurtful things under the veil of being justified in saying it or whatever. some of the comments she has said have been things like "i wish i could be ignorant with less" in response to me trying to assure her that there are people with less than we have that still find a way to be happy, or "im not going to work retail" in response to me trying to set her up with a store management position at the mall i work at, all the while fully expected extra money from the 2 people that work retail while at the same time staring down your nose at jobs like that!

so either way she knows that she has been less than nice to us all the while having her hand out. Anyways we got into it and i dont think there is saving this friendship anymore. whats really heartbreaking is that she i guess somehow views me as a monster and thats just simply not true, i consider the people i love in every choice i make, im putting off saving my mom from possible homlessess to be here to support A instead, she doesnt check up on me at all or ask how im doing mentally or emotionally she has disconnected from me entirley but expects me to still put her first on the list when it comes to prioritites. she has become a person i dont even recognize anymore. i love her with all my heart but i have finally come to a point where i love myself more. there is a part of me that feels like thats selfish but its time, it really is to stop worrying about people that clearly arnt worried about me in the slightest and who would say those hurtful insensitive things to me....

there is obviously alot more to this story but thats the gist of it for now, stay tuned there will be more i assure you.

[notanettelmao]

The Food Blogger [Colin x reader]

This might have a part two if enough people like it

I actually talked about writing something with Colin about a month ago, but then I went out with some friends and had a family emergency and I somehow forgot about it?? So this is not really what I planned at first, lol

tagging some of the people that sounded really interested in my idea when I posted about it: @vic-top @iputthefaninfanfics @idylio24 (sorry if it isn't what you were expecting hehe)

Fandoms: Not Okay Movie Warnings: weed, me being bad at writing stuff that sounds like Colin, Danni is being Danni... Pairings: future Colin x reader Words: 1,7k

“Okay Y/N, take a picture, post it on Instagram, post the blog post with the recipe and link it to your stories. You’ve done this multiple times, nothing’s scary about it..” The girl mumbled as she moved around her table, trying to get the best angle to take a picture of her creation. The table had a thin white tablecloth thrown over it to cover the multiple paint stains from when the girl tried to be creative. On the tablecloth, in the middle of the table, sat a black plate with pancakes on top of it. The girl managed to sprinkle more powdered sugar on the pancakes as she found the right angle. At first glance, there was nothing special about the pancakes, maybe the three raspberries on top which ended up there after she thought the brown color of the pancakes was a little boring. But if someone would eat the food, they would find out it actually had a secret ingredient. Weed. 

How did the weed end up in the pancakes of a girl who has never even touched a joint? Funny story actually, it started with her getting a new job as a food blogger. On the same day, she bumped into a particular bleached guy, who smelled like weed. Hell, you could smell him from a few meters away, that’s how bad the weed smell was. Noone at work seemed to notice it, or maybe they were just used to it at this point. There wasn’t actually anything that interesting about him, except the good looks, pretty eyes, absolutely tasty-looking lips and- the girl’s phone buzzed next to her. She groaned and turned around to pick it up from the counter to look at who texted her. 

‘U free?’ 

Was what she saw under Danni’s name on her screen. What the hell did Danni want? She hasn’t talked to her since she found out she also had the hots for Colin. They had a fight about who could possibly actually end up dating him. Let’s say Danni didn’t like the idea of him not liking either of them. 

Y/N rolled her eyes as she clicked on the call button and put the phone near her ear, using her other hand to look at the pictures she took with her camera.

“Y/N? Why are you calling me, couldn’t you just text back like a normal person?” Danni’s voice was heard from the phone speaker not even after the first beep. 

“Kinda trying to work here, figured out calling would be quicker,” Y/N mumbled into the phone, still not knowing what to think about the other girl calling her. 

“Anyway, what do you want?” She asked right after and put her camera down on the table next to the plate, walking to her couch so she could sit down. 

“I was wondering if you would want to go out to get some coffee… Talk about boys… You know, all the stuff. You didn’t respond to any of my emails so-”

“Fine, I’ll be down in five.” Y/N hung up before Danni could continue. She was already regretting her decision. But she also didn’t want to let go of one of her only work friends. A stupid fight over a boy should not end a friendship, right? 

☆☆☆☆☆☆

Danni was late. Y/N stood outside in her black sweatpants and a black baggy t-shirt with some random prints all over it. She was regretting putting on her new Vans, as she could already feel the skin on her heels protesting. She was scrolling through her Instagram, liking Colin’s new posts when a pair of white shoes appeared on the ground in front of her. She slowly looked up, noticing the brown pants and lighter-brown hoodie. Finally, she saw Danni’s face framed by two blonde strands of hair on each side, tucked behind her ears. 

“Hiii!” Danni cheered, pulling Y/N into a hug almost making her drop her phone. 

“Uh, hi,” Y/N laughed awkwardly. Danni didn’t seem to notice.

“How have you been? I saw you gained some followers after those yummy-looking weed recipes,” Danni’s eyes sparkled when she mentioned the followers. Y/N slowly blinked, realizing the other girl just wanted to boost her follower count. 

“Oh, I’ve been great, yeah…” Y/N put away her phone as they started walking down the street. Danni started talking about her wanting to get into writing and Y/N was just nodding her head, not really listening. She was mostly looking around wondering where they were going to end up. 

“No way! Je obsessed!” Danni said suddenly, making Y/N stop and look at what she was looking at. They stood in front of a tiny coffee shop called Matcha Baby. A waitress put out a sign and walked back inside.

“Influencers eat free?” Y/N read aloud. She bit her lip, trying not to laugh when she noticed Danni checking her follower count. 

“Not today,” Danni made a face and turned to continue walking when she stopped and just stared. Y/N almost bumped into her as she didn’t notice her just standing there again. 

“What the hell Da-” Y/N started to say. Then she noticed what the other girl was staring at. 

“-nni. Oh, you’ve got to be shittin’ me.” She mumbled under her breath. A few meters away from them there was a black car. They both stared as Colin stepped out of it, smoke surrounding him as he breathed it out, and started walking their way. Y/N was already moving to the side so he could walk by. Danni had other ideas. 

“Colin!” Danni exclaimed loudly, making Y/N wince. Colin stopped right in front of them.

“Oh shit. Waddup honey? Yea I can’t take a pic right now. But-” Colin said, making Y/N snort. She quickly covered her mouth but Colin already turned his attention to her. 

“Oh, I’ve seen you before?” He asked, looking Y/N up and down. She made a surprised noise, trying to ignore Danni who was plotting her murder by the looks she was giving her. 

“Oh, I- Ehm I work in the same building? Make food posts on insta and.. stuff..” Y/N cringed as her voice cracked. 

“Shiit right! You make those lit weed posts!” He looked down at his phone, quickly typing something on the screen, and then turned it to face her.

“Haven’t actually seen yo acc on my insta, just saw an article. Give me your user?” He asked. Y/N’s eyes widened and she took his phone into her shaking hands, quickly typing her Instagram username into the search bar. She then returned his phone with a shy smile on her face. 

“Sick,” he tapped on the screen, few seconds later she felt her phone buzz in her pocket. She had to bite her lip to stop herself from screaming. Was this really happening?

“I work in that building too!” Danni said loudly so the two of them heard her. They both looked at each other and then turned their heads to look at Danni.

“Yeah. Anyway. I’m supposed to be going to-” Colin looked at his screen and then up at the coffee shop, “- there. Matcha Babyy. Plus my plug lives here so two birds one stone.” He waved his hand towards the building. 

“Yeah, I smoke marijuana, like, all the time!” Danni said, smiling. 

“Oh lord,” Y/N mumbled under her breath, deciding to pull out her phone and pretend she is doing something.

“Ever seen one of these?” Colin asked, lighting the weird-looking joint. Y/N quickly turned on her camera and pointed it at Danni when she saw her reaching for the joint. Danni inhaled the smoke and started coughing before she gave the joint back to Colin. Y/N was silently laughing as she sent the video to one of her friends back home. She missed Colin talking to a random fan on the other side of the street because of the spam of laughing emojis she got as a response. 

“So cool that you have a fan!” Danni said in between coughs. Colin shot a quick look at Y/N and then back to Danni.

“Oh yeah, I got a- I got a bunch. That’s just one.” He chuckled.

“So like, what are you? Like, at Depravity? I see she-” he waved his hand towards Y/N, “ is a food blogger. What are you?”

“I’m a- I’m a writer,” Danni said. Y/N rolled her eyes. Writer, sure. Colin completely zoned out taking selfies with his joint as she talked more.

“I wanna develop my work by traveling and stuff. And maybe like, going on one of those writer retreats-” That got Colin’s attention. 

“Oh, you’re going on a retreat?” He zoned out again as he got a notification. Y/N just stood there, staring at the two of them as if she was watching a movie. She only needed popcorn. 

“I’m going to Paris for it,” Danni said out of nowhere and Y/N choked on air, almost falling over. Colin looked up from his phone to Danni. 

“Shit. That’s dope. Hey, get pics,” he was ready to walk away when Danni stepped into his way, making Y/N start choking once again. 

“I’m gonna get lots of pics! Yeah. Throw them all up on the gram!” Danni made a random dance move and Y/N turned to look at the lady that was sitting on the ground next to them this whole time. They both had the same look on their faces, they were completely done with Danni.

“By the way, this was laced with, like, mad wax, so your tolerance must be OD as fuck. Damn, ma. Good luck in Paris, Jenny.” He turned to Y/N.

“Good to meet you both,” he said as he walked away.

“Danni,” Danni said, turning around to look at him walking away.

“What’s up?” He stopped and looked at her.

“My name is Danni.” 

“No, it’s Colin.” He said. Y/N busted out laughing. 

“I’ll see you at work,” Colin said, looking at Y/N. Then he turned to look at Danni.

“Or I guess I won’t.” He then walked away. Danni started laughing loudly, making both the homeless lady and Y/N look at her like at a crazy person.

“Fuck me,” Danni said as she finished laughing. 

“Fuck you indeed,” Y/N mumbled under her breath, making the homeless lady snort. 

[lucy-268]

Nurse Paula

Series/Pairing: Open Heart - Tobias Carrick x f!MC (Samantha Carlson)

Disclaimer: Most characters belong to PB, Samantha is sort of mine. So is Paula

Other Characters: Paula Simmons (F!OC); Marlene; Ethan Ramsey

Rating / Warnings: Teen; language. Little bit of angst.

Summary: Edenbrook has a new nurse. Tobias knows her well. This short drabble will serve as her introduction.

Comments/Notes: Written for the @choices-november2022 Day 11 - Nurses. Thanks to @liaromancewriter when my brain failed on word choice.

Word count: 580

Just as the elevator doors slid open on the fifth floor, Tobias’ phone dinged with an incoming text from Bryce. He frowned as he read it.

Dude. Paula Simmons. New nurse, 4th floor. Do you know her?

“I need to talk to Ethan.” Tobias stepped back into the elevator.

Samantha turned. “Is everything okay? Was that a text from Ethan?”

“Fine. It’s… fine.” Samantha was still confused as the door closed between them as he continued onto the sixth floor.

Samantha headed to her office, still wondering what was so urgent that Tobias needed to go see Ethan immediately. She hung her jacket on the hanger at the back of her door. She logged onto her computer, opening her email. She quickly skimmed the subjects, cringing at Leland Bloom’s email, Technical Investor Meeting 8pm. She opened it, reading it frowning. Next Tuesday he had set up a cocktail reception between the heads of the hospital and leaders in the technical and scientific communities. She sighed, whispering under her breath, cause it was such a success last time. Finishing the emails, she slung her stethoscope around her neck and headed to the fourth floor to check on the two diagnostic patients.

As she approached the nurses station, Marlene waved to her. “Dr. Carlson. I’d like to introduce you to Paula Simmons, a new RN who comes to us from Mass Kenmore.”

A nurse turned and smiled at her. “Hello.”

Samantha returned her smile. “It’s nice to meet you, Paula.”

“You too, Dr. Carlson. Marlene and Sarah have briefed me on the diagnostics team. I excited to be able to work with the patients your team helps.”

“You’re from Mass Kenmore; do you know Tobias Carrick? He's one of our doctors.” Samantha asked.

She  didn’t see the frown that quickly passed over Paula’s face as her pager beeped and she looked down to see a message from Ethan.

By the time Samantha looked back up, Paula’s smile was back in place. “I knew Dr. Carrick. I didn’t know he was on the diagnostics team. I thought he was going to be the head of the emergency here.”

“Mr. Bloom decided that the diagnostics team would benefit from his experience and we were glad to have him.” Samantha turned to Marlene. “I just got a page from Chief Ramsey; I’ll be back soon to check on our patients.”

As she approached Ethan’s door she heard a raised voice and recognized Tobias. “What the fuck were you thinking hiring Paula Simmons, Ethan!”

She didn’t hear Ethan’s reply, but she did hear Tobias. “She is here to make trouble for me! She wasn’t happy when I stopped seeing her.”

Ethan was angry enough that she heard him now. “Maybe you would like to give me a list of all the nurses, lab techs, doctors, and receptionists you’ve slept with so I’ll be sure not to hire any of them!”

“Can you at least move her to a different floor!”

Ethan had calmed down and she didn’t hear his reply. She waited a few minutes and raised her hand to knock on the door when it opened with a jerk. She stepped back as she came face to face with Tobias.

“Is everything okay?” She repeated the same question she had asked him earlier. 

He gave the same reply, looking back at Ethan. “Fine. It’s… fine.”

“Would you mind checking on our patients on four? I’m not sure how long my meeting here is going to last.”

To be continued…

@choicesficwriterscreations @openheartfanfics

Perma - @a-crepusculo @bex-la-get @danijimenezv @genevievemd @jamespotterthefirst @jerzwriter @liaromancewriter @potionsprefect @writer-ish @cariantha @crazy-loca-blog @quixoticdreamer16 @starrystarrytrouble @zahrachoices

All Open Heart - @annfg8 @coffeeheartaddict2 @utterlyinevitable @differenttyphoonwerewolf

Open Heart - Tobias & Samantha only - @burnsoslow @kat-tia801

[justoneacatperson]

First Date

This is reupload from my old blog!

request by @therealpotatobish

TodoDeku x Fem! Reader

Date with Todoroki and Midoriya is, to put it mildly - chaos. Where do I start?

First we have Todoroki. Very handsome young man with two-tone hair and eyes. We all know that Shoto is not familiar with many things, his childhood was not very colorful and rosy, not at all.

He has not seen his parents take care of each other or behave like a couple, so he is not very familiar with how to treat a person he likes.

He didn’t even realize he liked Midoriya when he was still a student at U.A. It was good that there were his sister to explain to him what those feelings were.

We have already seen that he takes things seriously and does not understand jokes or metaphors, so it takes time to work with him.

Certainly his relationship with Izuku helped him a lot. He showed him what love, care and empathy are, but for him things are complicated again. He and Izuku will date a woman, a woman they have been in love with since their school years in the U.A. Shoto doesn’t know how to treat a woman and what they would like.

We also have the next one, namely Midoriya. Our broccoli boy has remained the same shy young man, despite his fame as the new No.1 hero, this part of him has not changed.

He would certainly do better than Todoroki, but his still shy nature worries him that he won’t be able to talk to you.

They are both worried about your reaction to everything. They have never heard that you like someone, nor have there been rumors that you are with someone, they didn’t even know if you like boys !? Nevertheless, you accepted their invitation to a date, at least they managed to make it clear that they were inviting you to a date, a DATE, and you were fine with that.

Now was the date where they would know if they had a chance with you, and here they were, sitting at the reserved table, waiting for you to come.

21:27p.m

Deku kept a close eye on his watch, looking at every minute. They had arrived about ten minutes ago and were sitting nervously at the table, well, Izuku was moving nervously, and Shoto was sitting meekly, staring at one dot, trying to keep his mind tidy and clear.

-“She will come, Midoriya, our dateis at 9:30p.m.” Todoroki exclaimed, grabbing his boyfriend’s hand under the table to reassure him.

-“Ah, I know, Shoto-san, but that doesn’t make me any less nervous.” the green-haired man replied, smiling at his partner. -“We have been waiting for a long time for the chance to invite her and the fact that she agreed and now we will have a date makes me feel surreal. It’s as if I’ve finally reached a goal that I thought was impossible. It’s very strange that happens, I still consider it unrealistic.”

The two-colored man looked at him with surprised heterochromic eyes. Despite their years together, the things they went through could not be compared to that. And the fact that Deku feels that way surprises him. He is also surprised that he was able to describe how he felt too.

It felt like he was 17 again in his 2nd year at U.A. When he shared his feelings to Midoriya. Confused, scared, excited. He never believed that he would fall in love or be able to be a partner, the love of someone else.

A small smile crept across his face. Todoroki leaned over to his partner, leaning his head on his shoulder. Their physique has changed and evolved over the years. Already in his mid-twenties, Deku had grown much taller than his school years. He was now towering over Shoto.

Midoriya smiled, leaning against Shoto, planting a kiss on his white and red hair.  The two parted, looking up at a door that could be heard opening and closing. 20:30, you arrived just in time.

You looked around the restaurant in confusion, looking for your table. Midoriya instinctively raised his hand, waving at you and shouting. -“(Y/n)-chan!” you looked up at them, a wide smile appeared on your face, bringing butterflies into the stomachs of both heroes.

-“Hey, Deku, Sho!” you replied, going to them.

Midoriya wanted to make a good impression by taking your jacket and pulling your chair backward to sit, but you came like a whirlwind, sitting hastily in the seat in front of them. Obviously there will be no good first impression.

-“Oh, I was in such a hurry so as not to be late.” you started, removing your jacket, leaving it on the back of the chair. - “I was nervous not to be late because there was a traffic jam on the road. After I managed to park it took me time to find the restaurant and…”

Deku waved his arms in front of him, trying to reassure you that you weren’t late, sharing his own worries about not being late. So you two became a muttering mess, and Todoroki rested his chin on his hand, happily watching the scene in front of him. Cute.

-“You are not late, you have nothing to worry about.” the two-colored man called out of nowhere, stopping you and Izuku.

-“It’s good to know.” you said calmly, leaving your hands on the table. -“Long time no see.”

-“Since our graduation in the U.A.” added the green-haired man, rubbing the back of his head.

-“What’s happen with you? I last heard you joined Selkie’s agency.” you nodded in agreement to Shoto.

-“Yes, my quirk would be very welcome in sea battles.”

-“Are you adapting fast?” Deku asked cheerfully.

-“Yes, the hero Manual is there too. We have some pretty similar quirks, so he was so kind to help me adapt.” you replied, controlling the water in your glass with your quirk, making it take the shape of a snake and move along the walls of your glass in a circle.

-“This is very good.” exclaimed the hero, tying his hands on the table.

They both felt a little awkward, not knowing how to continue the conversation, fortunately the waitress saved them by giving them the menus. You opened the menu of hard leather covers, looking at the variety of foods.

-“Oh, hey, Sho, they have a cold soba.” you said excitedly, showing him the menu on the first page.

-“So I’ll order a cold soba.” the two-colored man replied before receiving muttering from Midoriya.

-“But, Sho, we have a whole pot full of soba!” you laughed at their interaction, attracting their attention.

-“What?” they both asked at the same time.

-“Nothing, you just haven’t changed since we graduated from the U.A.” you said with a laugh. Deku giggled too, smiling at you.

-“What do you mean? We look the same way we did 7 years ago?” Todoroki asked confusedly, looking at himself and his boyfriend and again to himself. You and Izuku looked at each other and almost fell from your seats with your boisterous laughter. -“Ah?”

-“O-oh…. Sho!” tears formed in the corners of your eyes, wiping them with your hand. -“You’re still funny!”

-“Funny?”

-“Yes.” the green-haired man replied, leaning his head on his partner’s shoulder.

The three of you ordered a teishoku, receiving it in about 30 minutes. Everyone enjoy their food before Todoroki calls.

-“(Y/n), do you see our old class?” you swallowed your food before answering.

-“Yes, even with some very often.” you said, playing with your chopsticks, twisting them between your fingers and doing tricks with them. -“Most often I go out with Kaminari, by some chance it turned out that we work in the same agency.”

-“Kaminari-san?” Deku exclaimed, looking at you in astonishment. You nodded, uttering a little “Uhm.”

-“All right, that’s nice! We haven’t heard from Denki.”

-“Are you close to each other?” Shoto asked, taking another bite of his meal.

-“I’d say yes. We go out often, we message to each other, he’s very cute. He’s also grown a lot from UA, he’s become more responsible and he controls his quirk much better. We have a lot of fun together. We have dinners for us, in which we are on the couch at my or his home and eating popcorn while watching scary movies. "you said with a smile on your face.

-"Oh, I understand…” Todoroki replied, bowing his head over his food, hiding his face through his hair, which he had left to grow for reaching a length where he could tie it in a bun.

Izuku reached under the table, gripping his boyfriend’s thigh, rubbing it lightly to offer support. He knew his boyfriend’s lack of confidence in relationships. He has always worried about whether he is doing well as a partner and doing everything right.

Talking about a boy (and you’re not the person who talks a lot or often about people, especially boys), who is the opposite of his personality and sees that you’re really having fun with him, feels like someone hit him with wet rag across the face.

-“And you guys…” you called, bringing them both back to reality. -“How are you? The press is very interested in your relationship.” you smiled slyly.

-“So… After we graduated from UA, Shoto and I went to Endeavor’s agency, as his partners in catching villains. That was until we turned 22, All Might offered to take his agency… And I took it.” he replied, scratching the back of his head where his undercut was. -“The press found out about my relationship with Todoroki when I took the agency and there were hundreds of news stories that said, ‘Hero No.1 is in a relationship with Endeavor’s son’.”

-”O!?”

-“Yes, and still receives dozens of emails a day, invitations for interviews about our relationship.”

-“It’s too much for you. The press hasn’t learned for so many years that the heroes have a private life that they usually keep to themselves and don’t want to make it public. The personal space of the heroes must be respected.” you said and turned to Todoroki. -“And for so many years as a pro-hero, people have kept leading you the 'son of Endeavor,’ and that’s all you’re known for.”

-“It’s annoying.” Todoroki replied, making you and Deku giggle a little.

-“Well, those are just words from older people in Japan.” the green-haired man exclaimed, rubbing his boyfriend’s thigh. -“I am sure that the young generation will remember you with your name and your deeds.”

-“You’re right.” said his partner.

-“Ah, (Y/n)-san, do you happen to be in a relationship or dating someone?” Midoriya asked you. Shoto immediately ran one hand under the table, squeezing his thigh - too early, Midoriya.

-“O!?” you opened your eyes wide to them from the sudden question. -“No, I’m not in a relationship, I’m not dating anyone. Why do you ask?”

-“Uhhh…” and now was the scariest part of this meeting - to tell you. Shoto looked at Izuku out of the corner of his eye, looking for an answer as to what to do. -“With Shoto we wanted to ask you something…”

-“Yes…” you said under your breath.

-“Would you like to be with us?” Todoroki asked suddenly, leaning back in his chair.

You and Deku looked shocked at the two-colored man. You dropped your chopsticks as you watched Sho like you saw a ghost. Izuku immediately started waving his arms, trying to reassure you, saying that they were not forcing you to be in relationship with them, that they would not be in a hurry, that they would not be angry if you refused, and ect.

It just took you a moment to process Shoto’s question. They wanted to date you? Really? You were like close friends during your school years, but you didn’t think they had any other than platonic feelings about you. They were both open and comfortable, both shy and anxious around you or when talking to you. You wouldn’t be lying if you said you didn’t have feelings for them in the U.A., but once you found out they were in a relationship, it discouraged you a lot.

-“So?” Todoroki called again.

-“Sho, calm down, give her ti…”

-“Yes.” you replied, getting “Uh!?” from them. - “I accept, I would like to date you.”

-“Really?” Midoriya asked in surprise.

-“Yes…” you said, tying your hands on the table. -“I would just ask for time to get used to, as this will be my first relationship in my life, especially with more than one person.”

-“We’ll give you all the time you need.” Todoroki said, taking your hand in his. Where did you get this confidence? - Izuku wondered.

-”Thanks.”

-“So… should we continue our dinner to celebrate our relationship?” the green-haired man asked cheerfully.

-“Yes!” you and Shoto answered at the same time.

[wiypt-writes]

Guilty As Charged

Guilty As Charged: Bucky Barnes One Shot

Summary: Defence Attorney James ‘Bucky’ Barnes is the absolute bane of your life…

Pairing: Lawyer AU Bucky Barnes x Reader (Frenemies!)

Warnings: Bad language words.

Word Count- Under 2k

A/N:  This was originally posted on my old blog ages ago, but I’ve just given it a little polish and thought, seeing as I’m on the Bucky Train at the moment, I’d bring it back. Also, my knowledge on US Criminal Law is sketchy at best, so humour me…

Disclaimer: This is a pure work of fiction and classified as 18+. Please respect this and do not read if you are underage. I do not own any characters in this bar reader and any other OCs that may or may not be mentioned. By reading beyond this point you understand and accept the terms of this disclaimer.

Bucky Barnes Masterlist // Main Masterlist

*******

In God We Trust, the words set about the Judge’s podium were fixed in your vision, motes of dust moving freely in the rays of sunlight which were streaming through the large, ornate windows of the court room and you took a deep breath, letting it out slowly, concentrating on expelling the nerves you were feeling with the air that left your mouth and lungs.

No matter how many times you were in this position, the reading of the verdict still got to you. Your gaze turned to the jury, as the judge did the same, that all important question ringing across the room, the air stiflingly tense.

“On the charge of murder in the first degree, do you find the defendant or not guilty"

“Not guilty.”

Fuck.

Cheers from the defendants family drowned out your loud groan as you rubbed at your temple. Looking over at your colleague, Sam, you shook your head in utter disbelief.

The judge continued through the remaining charges, second-degree murder and voluntary manslaughter, and your despair grew as the same verdict was returned for each.

You’d lost. And it stung, not merely because of your near perfect conviction rate, but for the family of the victim you were one-hundred percent convinced the accused.

"Y/N this wasn't your fault.” Sam stated in a low voice but you simply sighed again and shrugged.

"I was sure they'd see through his lies,” you glanced over to your right where the defence team, headed up by James Buchanan Barnes of Barnes and Rogers Law firm were shaking hand with each other and their defendant. Barnes' face was arranged in the usual smug look that you always had the urge to slap right off it. His partner, Steve, glanced over at you and gave you a genuine, sympathetic smile.

He’s always the most courteous out of the two, the one you actually didn’t mind dealing with when it came to cases.

"He fucking did it Y/N," Sam's voice was almost a growl, "I know he did."

"Well in the eyes of the law he didn’t." You stated, standing up.

The commotion continued behind you, as the defendant was told he was free to go. Making sure to keep your head down, you hastily shuffled your papers back into their respective files and packed your briefcase up. Picking up your jacket, you shrugged it on, smoothing down pencil skirt before you head to leave the courtroom before Barnes can pipe up with his usual smart ass quips. But you're not quite fast enough. "Commiserations Miss Y/LN, can't win em all." The familiar Brooklyn drawl hit your ears.

"Buck," Steve sighed "c'mon pal..."

You grit your teeth. You know you shouldn't rise to it, but you just can’t help it. The man is an utter jack ass in the courtroom. Spinning to face him, you shot him your best contemptuous glare, the one you always reserve for those people you really cannot stand, and looked at him like he was something you'd just trodden in.

"You know Barnes, there is such a thing as being gracious in victory as well as defeat." "Defeat?” He asked, looking at Steve with a puzzled expression on his face, “no, not sure what that is." "Eat shit.” You mumbled before turning to Sam who was stood behind you, watching the exchange. You nod to him and the two of you continued up the aisle towards the exit. The victim's family were congregated outside and all at once the start barraging you with questions.

"How did that happen?"

"You said it was a cert he would go down!”

"What about a private prosecution?”

You sighed and turn to look at them, you were exhausted. "I'm sorry.” You shook your head. “That new evidence that his attorney submitted, it was just threw too much of a doubt into the juries mind..." you held your hand up to gently silence them. “If you're serious about a private prosecution then I can meet you next week to discuss and put you in touch with a few people but I’m sorry, as far as the State’s involvement goes…I can’t do anymore."

Escaping as quickly as you could, you and Sam headed back to your office. After a short meeting with your boss, the District Attorney, who was as pissed as you were that the prosecution had failed, you emerged feeling twice as tired and battered as you had when you’d left the courtroom.

As Sam stated, there was only one thing left you could do. Drink alcohol. A lot of alcohol.

It was a short walk to your preferred bar, having decided to abandon your car and collect it in the morning. You were going to get drunk. Really drunk. "Hey Y/N, hey Sam." Clint, the bar tender greeted you. “I hear it wasn't a great day.” You looked up and saw he was pointing to the TV behind the bar. It was on a news channel, focussing on a report from earlier that afternoon which wasn’t surprising. The case had thrown up huge public interest ever since the body of the teenage girl has been found in the alleyway in Queens. The defendant confessed but somehow, the new evidence submitted was an alleged recording that the defence had gotten their hands on as proof the confession was taken under duress. If you were being totally honest, you had to admit that it didn't sound great, the officer did seem to be leaning heavily on the defendant, but the other evidence was, no, IS overwhelming.

But all it needed was that little seed of doubt, which the defence sowed expertly, and the jury couldn't convict. And now, thanks to Barnes and Rogers, specifically Barnes, in your mind a dangerous killer was walking free. As you stared at the television, you saw Barnes on the screen with the defendant, all smiles and Steve at his side. Barnes greeted the press with a raised hand. "Clint turn it over man." Sam almost pleaded and Clint shot you both a sympathetic look, before he pointed the remote at and flicked the report over to a mundane, late afternoon game show. You ordered 2 beers, and then settled at the bar on one of the tall chairs, crossing your bare, heeled legs as you and Sam began to dissect the case. You couldn’t help it, you always did this, analyse where you went wrong or right.

The pair of you got that enthralled in your discussions, that before you know it, it was an hour lager and you're now four beers deep... and Sam was fielding an angry phone call from his wife, Natasha. "I gotta go, boss." He sighed, apologetically, “it’s my little girl’s dance recital at six and if I miss this one, Nat’s gonna hang me out to dry!” You waved his explanation off. “Its fine, Sam. Oh, and take the morning tomorrow. That case has had us working all hours and I don’t intend on being there till lunch. Clint, gimme a bourbon please?" "Don't let Barnes get to you.” Sam sighed. “You know what he is like" "Smug, arrogant and annoyingly self-righteous.” You nodded. “Yup, I got it.” Sam smiled and dropped a friendly kiss to your cheek. "See you later." Clint slid the glass of bourbon over to you and you smiled before pulling out your phone to check a few emails and your social media. You were just reading through an article about a Billionaire in Manhattan who had designed some kind of metal suit that allowed him to fly (because that's gonna end well), when a familiar voice broke your concentration. "Can I buy you a drink?" You rolled your eyes and looked up at Bucky Barnes as he leaned on the bar, still in his suit, although he had dispensed of his black and white tie, and opened his top button. This was another thing you hated about him. He is utterly gorgeous. Like GQ cover gorgeous, especially in his sharp suits and silk ties.

And he fucking knows it, too. "Depends." You shrugged, throwing back the remainder of your bourbon. "Does it come with a side helping of irritating smugness?" He chuckled. "I'm off duty, Doll so no."

"In that case I'll have another Monkey Shoulder." You slid the empty glass back to Clint. "Take it you're not driving home?" Barnes asked, his azure eyes running over your bare legs. "Well if I do and I get caught, I'm sure you can get me off any charges.” You replied sharply, shooting him a look that made it clear you caught him eyeing you up. And it isn't the first time either. That's another reason you clash so much in the courtroom. Sexual tension. Fucking jerk. He barked out a laugh "You're really not happy with me are you?" "Not particularly." You shook your head, thanking Clint as he pushed the now full glass back to you, with a small wink. It's a double, you noticed. That should set Barnes back a bit. Bucky reached for his beer and after a pull he looked directly at you. "Come work for me." He said and you groaned.

Not this again. "I'm a prosecutor." You rolled your eyes. "Not a defence attorney. I told you that last time you asked. And the time before, and the time before that." "I'm nothing if not persistent." He winked, turning in his stool so he was facing you. "Besides, I can teach you the ways of the dark side." "You’d love that wouldn't you?" You snort. "Oh, Sweetheart you have no idea." He leaned forward slightly, his elbow on the bar and this time he is blatantly staring at the flash of skin that was showing above the buttons on your blouse. "My face is up here, ass hole." With a smirk he raised his deep, blue eyes and they locked onto yours. Despite yourself, you feel your breath hitch slightly. Dammed him and his sex appeal. "Why are you always this insufferable?" You eventually tore your gaze away from his and picked up your drink, glancing up at the TV as an excuse not to look at him. "Ah come on Y/N, don’t be like that." He reached out to squeeze your hand which was resting on the back of the tall chair you were sat in. "We could make a great team..." You raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "Professionally.” He added, his eyes not leaving yours as he took another large drink of his beer, and you pulled your hand away from under his. "I'd kill you within five minutes of us being in the same office." You glared at him as you took another sip from your drink. He chuckled and eyed you again, “to be fair I'm not sure Stevie would be able to function with a beautiful dame such as yourself in close proximity. He still flusters around any woman that isn’t his Peggy.” "That's because Steve is a happily married man." "So am I." He shot back. Ah yes, Mrs Barnes… "Your wife deserves a medal. She must have the patience of a fucking saint to put up with you." You said into your glass. "I have other hidden qualities which mean she's prepared to overlook my slightly less favourable personality traits." He quipped, and you looked back to see that lopsided grin on his face that flips your stomach. Behave Y/N. "They must be very hidden." You mused, and he let out another loud laugh.   "You're killing me, Doll.” "Good." You drained your glass. The liquid burnt your throat and you could feel the effects of the alcohol from the last few hours as your brain started to hum. You looked at Barnes who was watching you, his eyes shining with all the cheekiness of a teenage boy and you know you need to leave before you do something stupid.

Like snogging his dumb, handsome face off. "I think it's time I got going." You said simply, standing up. Barnes gave a nod, draining his bottle. “Yeah I should be making tracks too. Wife to see to, you know how it is.” You stood and he did the same, and you realised he was holding up your jacket, ready for you to slide your arms into. Narrowing your eyes slightly at his sudden chivalry, you couldn’t help the small smile that flickered across your face as you turned and allowed him to help you into it. His hands dropped to your shoulders and he span you round gently and smiled with those perfect teeth, a smile that lit up his beautiful face, his eyes crinkling in the corners. "Lead the way Mrs Barnes.” He instructed softly, dropping a tender kiss to your lips. "You know it's a good job I love you,” you smiled, sliding your arms up round his neck. "Yeah, I know." "Although right now I'm struggling to remember why." "Well, when we get home I'll just have to show you some of those hidden qualities I was talking about, see if they help jog your memory.” You bit your lip slightly at the dark flash of desire that flit across his eyes, and you leant up to brush your lips across his stubbled jawline. "Unanimous verdict,” your voice drops slightly as you pull back and he smirked again, “guilty as charged.” You tossed Clint a good bye, linked your hand into your husband’s and he walked you outside into the brisk wind, his arm pulling you close, his lips pressed a soft kiss to your temple. Yeah, James Buchanan Barnes might be an insufferable, arrogant ass hole in the courtroom, but outside it he's simply your Bucky.

[t-lostinworlds]

Wish You Didn’t (Peter Parker)

a/n: hello, hello. here’s another angst fic as ‘tradition’ since this is my first ever full peter parker fic so yeah, please be kind alska. this is very fluffy from the start but then it’s all downhill from there lol, hope you enjoy this one <3

pairing: peter parker x female reader trope/genre: song fic - Wish You Didn’t Love Me by Jake Miller; best friends to...well; fluff and angst summary: You love Peter Parker with all that you have, but somehow, he doesn't find that as a good thing. Despite feeling the same way, to protect you, Peter wish you didn't love him at all. warnings: wholesome cuteness at the start to set you up for heartbreak, brief dark thought from peter, and swearing. word count: 13.9k+ (i mean, what’s new)

masterlist on bio & pinned post

-:-:-:-:-

"Ugh."

Peter looked up from his textbook just in time to see you drop your bag on the table and then plop yourself down on the seat across him in the library. There was a look of pure frustration on your face, his brows furrowing at the sight of the deep frown written on your lips.

"What's up?" Peter asked, twirling his pen in his fingers as he tilted his head at you in concern.

You let out a big sigh, meeting your best friend's gaze with your frown still intact. "I've got a debate coming up tomorrow," you grumbled dejectedly.

The crease between Peter's brows could only deepen at your words.

You were the best on the debate team, always at the ready to take whatever topic it was thrown at you, headstrong. You're always excited to gush to him about what could be your winning argument, what would put the opposing team at a standstill. So, to see you be somewhat upset about an upcoming debate, it was so unlike you.

Maybe because it seemed last minute but by the looks of it, Peter can't help but feel like it was more than that.

"What's it about?" he asked.

You blew out your cheeks, hand coming up to play with the notebook he had on the table before you blurted out,

"Spider-Man: Friend or Foe."

Peter cleared out his throat just as he turned the page of his book to hide it, sitting straighter in his seat, pretending to get back to reading to avoid your gaze.

He didn't tell you.

Years and years of being best friends yet you didn't have an ounce of clue that you were sitting right across the person who was going to be the topic of your debate.

Peter trusts you of course, he trusts you with his life. His reason was simple really: he just didn't want to drag you into it.

Plus, knowing how worried you can get, he just didn't want to put you through all of that, especially on top of all things college and with what's going on in your personal life. He already feels so guilty with the stress he's put May through, he can't bear to see you have that burden too.

And most importantly, Peter just wanted to protect you.

"Still don't see why you're bummed about it," he said with a shrug, gaze running over the text printed on the paper but none of it was going inside his mind.

"I got picked to defend him."

Peter's head shot up at that, eyes narrowing on your seated form as he asked, "Oh, so you think he's a foe?"

"No..." you trailed off, eyes wandering around his slightly messy table littered with notes, textbooks and books, highlighters and everything in between. "Not really."

Closing his book, Peter leaned forward, arms rested on the surface with his full attention now on you. "Care to elaborate?"

You pursed your lips, shifting in your seat as you crossed your arms over your chest. "I mean, he's probably got good intentions but I've read about the Sokovia accords you know," you started, Peter nodding to show you that he was following. "And it's a debate. The other party would do their best to make him out to be a reckless vigilante. I can already think of so many arguments that they'd throw."

"Such as?"

"That he could be doing this for fame and attention, or that he is doing good things but his drive to do them isn't exactly the best. Is it for revenge? Bragging rights or maybe something darker? Another one could be that he's young, careless and naïve. We don't know what he's really capable of superpower wise which means he can probably hurt innocent people in the future.

"Not to mention if he's on the right or wrong side of the law. Who has to pay for the collateral damages that he has caused? Is it right to let him go scot free? I could go on and on and I just," you paused, resting one arm on the table and then placing your head on it as you looked up at your best friend. "I can't really counter those things with full force because I don't really know the dude nor do I have any real, solid facts about him to back up my claim that he's completely on the good side."

"Research hasn't done you good has it?" Peter hummed, a soft smile playing on his lips as his hand came up to poke your cheek, a sweet attempt to try and rid of your frown.

You shook your head no with a deepened pout, taking his hand away from your face with your own free hand as your nimble fingers then played with his absentmindedly.

Peter's heart grew warm at the gesture.

"There's literally nothing on this spider dude aside from blog posts written by fanboys and girls gushing about how amazing he is. Which is never a great source since it's already so biased," you explained.

"What would truly help you aside from research?" he queried, eyes trained on the way you interlock your fingers together and then letting it go only for a second before interlacing them again, letting it go and repeat. It was such an adorable habit of yours, one that Peter has grown so fond of, your touch always delicate and sweet whenever you fidget with his hand.

"An interview I guess? It'd be nice to get to ask him a few questions. Like, it would help to know why I'm on his side. Get a perspective on why he does what he does, you know?" you sighed, eyes fluttering close with your frown still intact. "At least that way, I know I'm defending someone who I know is worth defending."

Peter hummed as he tore his eyes away from your intertwined hands and back on your sprawled out upper-half on the table. He pursed his lips, gaze on the dip and valleys of your beautiful but stressed face. His brain grew at odds the more he took in your deep frown—one he always hates seeing no matter the reason—as he raked his thoughts on what he could possibly do to help without having the trouble of revealing his secret to you.

"But it's genuinely impossible to talk to him—"

"You could send him an email," Peter blurted before he gave himself time to properly process his words. Hell, he didn't even get to weigh the odds and dangers of his proposition. But now that it already slipped out his mouth—

Shit. I don't think this is a good idea...

Your eyes snapped open as you gaped up at him, brows deeply furrowed as you wondered, "Spider-Man...has an email?"

Too late to back out now, Parker.

"Well, all the Avengers do, under Stark Industries to be specific," Peter said in the most nonchalant way he can muster. "Since, you know, Stark tech in their suits, modifications, upgrades, what color they want it as, etcetera, it's how they talk about those stuff."

You abruptly sat up, dropping his hand as you laid both of your palms flat on the table, eyes now twinkling with hope and excitement. "You think he'd actually see it?"

"Yeah, not many people know about it so," he trailed off with a shrug, opening his book again and flicking through the pages.

You leaned forward, trying to catch his gaze as you narrowed your eyes at him suspiciously. "How'd you know?"

Peter scoffed with a shake of his head, never looking away from his book given that you'd notice his lie right off the bat if he does so. "I don't know Y/N, probably because I work there," he pointed out. Well, technically it wasn't a lie, but it wasn't exactly the truth either.

"And you're giving me it?"

He shrugged, finally meeting your gaze. "I don't see why not? As long as you don't share it around or sell it," Peter warned, shooting you playful glare.

"Yes! Oh my—you are the best," you exclaimed excitedly, jumping out of your seat and rounding the table to give him a back hug. "You're a lifesaver Pete, thank you." With one last squeeze, you pulled away and swiftly snatched your bag, feet in a rush as you treaded towards the door.

"Where are you going?" Peter asked bemusedly.

"Sending the email! Hopefully I can talk to him tonight!" you called back to him.

Peter can't help but shake his head at you with a laugh, "I haven't even given you the email!"

"Just send—"

Sssh!

"Oops, sorry," you whispered, finger over your lips as you rushed back to his side with a bright smile. "Just text me it please? Love you," you hummed, hand landing on his shoulder as you leaned down to place a swift but sweet kiss on his cheek.

The skin where your lips once were quickly turned pink, Peter's heart skipping countless beats at that four-letter word, unable to conjure any response the more he thinks about the actual weight of the warmth that's grown in his chest. He's heard you say it to him many times before of course, but despite holding a different meaning—one with friendship laced around it—it never fails to make Peter's heart soar.

Albeit wanting it to mean something else, something more, Peter knows he shouldn't. Always quick to silence his heart on screaming for more given that it wasn't ideal, for your sake. He always reminds himself that he already feels utmost content with what he has with you now, content with the love you make him feel even if it's only to an extent.

It was enough, for your sake.

Nothing but adoration coated his features as his eyes followed your every movement. His heart grew even more when you beamed at him once you pulled away, ruffling his hair playfully before hurrying out of the library, shooting him one last smile and a wave before disappearing from sight.

Peter can't wipe his own grin off his face, just the sight of your beautiful smile and your joyful eyes, easily contagious on his part. But then realization dawned on him and the curve slipped away, replaced by a frown laced with panic as he pulled out his phone to check the time.

"Shit."

He quickly gathered up his things and rushed out of the library, taking the back door out of the building to the nearest alley. Peter had his eyes glued to his screen the whole time as he quickly made a fake but believable enough email before sending it to you.

***

"Heard you were looking for me?"

You let out a yelp, jumping a few inches back as you spun around towards the direction of the voice. A hand flew over your chest the moment your eyes landed on a figure, shock befalling you as you froze. He was squatted down on the ledge of the rooftop of your apartment building, red and blue faint under the night sky. "Oh my—uh, hi," you squeaked, eyes blinking rapidly to see if what you're seeing was actually real.

The wind was blowing cold, your black pants, plain t-shirt and jean jacket doing just enough to minimize it. The sound of the streets of Manhattan was echoing below, very busy but faint due to your distance from the ground, enabling you to still hear his voice loud and clear when he spoke again.

"Hi, I'm Spider-Man," he introduced as he offered you his hand, masked eyes trained on you as you cautiously walked towards him.

"I know. I'm Y/N," you said, hesitantly reaching out to take his hand, the material of his suit rough against your palm as you shook it. You were in absolute awestruck, eyes glowing with wonder as you did nothing but gape at him.

"I know," he said and you can practically hear his smile behind the mask. He gave your hand a squeeze, the odd feeling that coursed through your bones made you tilt your head at him in mere curiosity, brows furrowed in utter confusion. Mr. Spider-Man swiftly cleared out his throat, eyes casted down as he quickly let go of your hand. "It's on your email," he added hastily.

"Oh, yeah," you muttered. A few seconds passed and you just stood there, staring at him like some star struck fan as you rubbed your hands together in both the cold and slight nerves. After a few seconds more, you finally spoke, "Wow, okay, I didn't expect for you to actually show up."

You don't know where to actually begin.

The first thought you had after sending the email was that he'd never actually see it, or if he does, he'll simply ignore it. You had been ready to wait out in the cold for a couple hours, anticipated the letdown to be frank. Yet here he was, the Spider-Man, right in front of you who, amazingly, even arrived right on time.

Spider-Man was making you nervous.

Normally, you have no problem with doing interviews. It is a form of research after all, and being on the debate team, you've done countless of it. But right now feels different.

Maybe it was the fact that he was a fucking superhero. He's someone who has actually done quite a lot and has probably seen and experienced other worldly things just as much if not more. Or maybe it's the fact that you simply don't know where this will go from here.

Will it do well that you'd get to ask proper questions and get answers that would truly help or will he get cocky and rude that this interaction would only end up being a waste of time?

Despite being famous, he was a complete mystery to everyone. The person behind the mask was wholly unknown and that itself makes you very nervous.

With a shrug, he said, "Well, wouldn't pass helping a friend."

"Are you making your voice deep?" you asked, the sound of his voice a little too...computerized for it to be normal.

He nodded. "Voice modulator, it helps keep my secret identity, well, a secret."

"Oh, yeah, figured."

You stayed quiet again after that, arms crossing over your chest as you kept your gaze steady on him, features coated with a mixture of emotions from confusion, amazement, curiosity and everything in between.

He chuckled softly, probably noticing your painfully obvious shyness. "Got questions for me?" he prodded.

You blinked a few times before frantically nodding, recalling how you specifically said in the email that you just wanted to ask a few questions. You then took out your phone, showing him the voice recording app and asked, "Is this okay?"

Spider-Man tilted his head at you with a soft hum.

"Yeah, I trust you with it."

You smiled.

The pressure and nerves turned lighter on your shoulders as you somewhat felt more comfortable...safe around him. And there's just something about the fact that he trusts you that warms your bones. It's like he's certain you only have his best intentions in mind, as if he knows you weren't in this for a selfish gain. It's really comforting in a sense, makes you feel confident that you're on the right track.

It makes you feel good about yourself.

With a soft nod, you hit record, words of curiosity slipping out of your lips soon after. "Those webs, do they come out from you?"

"No, they don't," he chuckled, taking out a vile from his wrist and then handing it to you. "That is what you call web fluid and I make them."

You gingerly took it in your hands, eyes scanning it briefly before you gave it back. "Impressive."

"Thanks. So, the fluid is like the bullets and these right here"—he showed you the black bands on his wrists with his hands open—"Are the web shooters that make me well, shoot webs. Like so," he explained as he pressed the button on his palm, the webs streaming out soon after and snatching an empty can on the far corner before it landed back in his hand.

You pursed your lips with a nod. "So, you can make weapons," you said with a certain tone in your voice that caused him to shift in his place.

"I—uh, no?" he stuttered, placing the can back on the ground loudly and in a not-so-subtle way. "I will never build a nuclear bomb if that's what you're wondering," he rushed when you narrowed your eyes at him in suspicion.

"Didn't say anything about a nuclear bomb," you pointed out with a tilt of your head.

"I-I'm, uh, I didn't—"

"I'm just messing with you," you cut him off with a soft laugh, your nerves diminishing swiftly at how he seemed to be a little shy and awkward but in an endearing way. It makes him appear more human, normal. "You're so tense, just relax."

"Yeah…okay," he breathed out. He turned around to face the city, going from crouching to fully sitting down on the ledge, hands folding on his thighs as he looked at you over his shoulder. He jerked his head, gesturing for you to come closer to which you gladly did.

You leaned on the concrete with soft hum, placing your phone beside his thigh so it was now between you both. You scanned the beautiful city with a content smile, the view never ceasing to amaze you despite seeing it too many times before. The rooftop is your best escape after all. It was nice to be far away from everything, even if it's only for a moment. Nothing but peace coats you whenever you're up here, may it be from the gentle gush of the wind or the bright shine of the moon that spreads throughout the blanket of black sky.

With a sigh, you looked up at the mask man beside you. Flustered was what you came to be when you noticed that he was already staring at your face, the white and black of his eyes looking somewhat soft, and you swear he looked almost as if he's smiling behind the mask. Warmth was quick to coat your body, a stark contrast to the cold breeze as you cleared your throat, causing him to swiftly look away.

"Sorry, I'm just a little nervous," he chuckled shyly, hand coming up to rub the back of his neck. "Really want to impress you."

You felt your cheeks heat up, a timid smile growing on your lips as you shrugged. "No need to impress anyone, let alone me," you said. "Just be yourself Spider-Man."

Oh, I truly wish I could just be myself right now Y/N—

"Okay," Peter hummed with a smile.

"Are you sure this is fine?" you asked, gesturing towards your phone in the middle of you two. "I don't want to intrude or make you feel uncomfortable by recording our conversation."

Peter's heart grew warm as his smile widened. Always considerate you are, too kind for your own good. If it was someone else, he probably would've had loads of pictures taken by now. Or maybe even a hidden camera somewhere to catch him at the wrong moment. Many of which would then be posted on the internet to spread like wildfire. Not that he minded the photos and videos but it's off putting sometimes, especially when they churn out not-so-good headlines to match.

"Promise me you won't share or sell it?" he joked, mentally cursing himself soon after once he realized it's the same words he said to you earlier in the library. Although he felt a wash of relief right away when you didn't seem to notice as you only flashed him a sweet smile in return.

"I promise," you hummed, turning to face him as you leaned sideways on the ledge. "What other superpowers do you have?"

"Enhanced abilities such as super strength, I can run fast and heal fast. Dialed up senses meaning I can see, hear, smell and feel things on another level. I'm...sticky, meaning I can climb up walls and stick to stuff like how a spider would. And oh, spider sense," Peter elaborated, watching with amusement as he saw your eyes change from awe, confusion, to impressed and back to confusion.

"Spider sense?"

"I can sense danger and threats when it's coming, like I feel a tingle."

"That's really cool," you hummed, hand rapidly lifting up as you took a fast and big swing towards his shoulder. He caught your fist in his hand way before you could even have the chance to land a punch.

Peter shook his head at you in pure amusement, giving your fist a squeeze before he let it go. "That wasn't so successful now was it?" he chuckled.

"It was worth a try. Just testing the waters to see if it would trigger your 'spidey sense' as you call it," you laughed, quoting the two words with your fingers teasingly.

"It didn't because one, anyone could see that punch from a mile away, and two, I said dangers and threats," he paused, tilting his head at you adoringly. "And you're not really a threat."

"Hey, I can be threatening," you scoffed, chin up with your chest puffed out.

Peter couldn't stop the laugh that escaped his lips. "I'm sure you can. I bet you can handle yourself well, especially with proper training." He took in a deep breath before saying, "But that's not really what I meant."

"What did you mean?

"That I feel safe around you."

"Oh." You blinked at him a few times before you fully broke his gaze, suddenly turning bashful as your eyes watched the busy street below where the cars and people were scurrying about in the cold New York night. Squaring your shoulders, you added, "Well, for what it's worth, I feel safer around you now too."

Peter felt his heart leap out of his chest, a proud smile erupting on his face, gaze dropping on the ground—or lack thereof—shyly as red started to dust his cheeks. "That's worth a lot," he hummed, lifting his head at the same time you did, your eyes locking immediately.

You beamed at him sweetly, shifting on your feet before letting out a breath. "Right, onto a more serious question," you paused, gesturing at the whole of him with your hand. "Why exactly are you doing this?"

"What do you think is the reason why I'm doing what I do?" he asked back, eyes trained on your face for a moment before he looked straight ahead. He can feel your orbs burning a hole on the side of his face, your brows furrowed in a way that Peter could do nothing but grin widely. He always found your thinking face endearing.

"I don't know, could be a lot of things. Could be money, glory, revenge, bragging rights, most likely fame?" you suggested.

Peter shook his head, keeping his gaze on the building across. "If I was doing this for fame, you'd think I would've shown my face by now?"

"Touché."

"But no," he breathed out, eyes now trained on his feet as he swung them aimlessly on the edge of the building. "I just want to help to the best of my abilities. I feel like I was given these powers, me, for a reason. If I'm not going to use it for a good cause then what's the point of having them?" Peter turned to face you, holding your gaze securely, even behind the mask as he continued, "If I'm not going to help out the little guy, even if I can easily do that then, who will? I can't simply watch the world fall apart when I could've done something to prevent it or provided a little bit of help, you know?"

You nodded. "With great power comes great responsibility."

Peter cracked a smile. "Yeah, exactly," he hummed, gaze dropping to stare at his gloved hands, turning it over before clasping it together with a sigh.

"How do you feel about the people who think you're not on the good side? That you have some hidden agenda?"

"I pity them if I'm being honest."

"How so?"

"I mean, if you're at a point in life where you can't accept that someone is helping simply for the sake of helping, then you've must've gone through a lot to not trust easily," Peter started, fingers fidgeting with his web shooters before he met your gaze. "We've been taught to always think that there's an incentive in all that we do. If you give, you have to receive and vice versa. But why can't we simply give and not expect something in return? People are so accustomed to the whole give and take thing that when someone just gives, it feels unfamiliar. That's why they get suspicious. They overthink that surely I'm doing this for something else when there's really no other reason than simply wanting to help.

"I also get it. It's a cruel world we're living in unfortunately where we have to keep one eye open. But I wish people would begin to accept that someone is helping to make the world a better place by simply wanting to have a safe and better place. No hidden agenda whatsoever," he finished, brown orbs catching sight of how your smile grew wider, brighter.

"You're a wise man," you said with an appreciative nod. "With a really good heart too."

"Thanks. I try my best."

"I'd say you've probably lived a life, traveled the world, seen so many new things, been to space," you trailed off, raising a brow at him in question.

"Yeah, you could say that," he chuckled.

"Are you a billionaire? Are you a prince in disguise or maybe a king? Are you a lawyer? Or maybe some kind of mythical being like Thor?" you poked.

Peter laughed, shaking his head as he shrugged. "Nah, I'm just a kid from Queens."

Shit.

Peter you fucking idiot. You absolute dumbass—

"Huh, I've got a best friend who's from Queens," you muttered, voice barely above a whisper but thanks to his enhanced hearing abilities, of course he heard it loud and clear.

Peter bit the insides of his cheek to stop his smile, even though you weren't going to see it anyway since he has a mask on. I know you do. "Come on, I want to show you something," he said aloud instead, standing up to his full height with his hand out for you to take.

You narrowed your eyes at his outstretched palm before you looked up at his masked face. "Are you going to kidnap me now and sell my organs?"

Peter threw his head back with a hearty laugh, the sound ringing in the air as he shook his head at you. "No, I'm going to show you New York from a different angle," he said, smiling widely as he leaned over closer, hand open wide. "Do you trust me?"

"You did not just quote Aladdin," you laughed, taking your phone off the ledge to stop recording before shoving it in your pocket.

Peter shrugged with a sheepish grin. "What if I did?"

You smiled widely at that, placing your hand securely in his and giving it squeeze. "Then yes, I trust you."

Peter hoisted you up on the ledge with ease, both of you now standing side by side on the edge of the building. A small squeak came out of you when you curiously looked down and saw that the ground was actually very far away, your grip on his hand tightening when all you could think of was splat. He chuckled, moving closer to you as he lifted your arm and placed it over his shoulders, your eyes snapping back up to look at his masked face.

"Is this okay?" he hummed, his arm wrapping around your waist strongly once you gave him a nod approval. "Hold tight," Peter said.

"Please don't let me go," you whispered, worry-filled eyes boring into his own while a mixture of both nervousness and excitement coated your features.

"Never."

Peter jumped.

You screamed.

The strong gush of the wind swiftly hit your face, hair whipping around as your grip around him tightened starkly. You felt your stomach churn while you swung in the air, passing one building to another, going high up and then dropping back down in a swooping motion. Your legs wrapped itself around his waist almost instinctively, all in fear of falling to your death.

"This was a bad idea!" you screeched, head buried on the crook of his neck, eyes shut tight ever since your feet left the ledge.

"Open those eyes Y/N! You're missing all the fun!" Peter laughed, giving your waist a reassuring squeeze. He felt you slowly pull your head away from his neck, lids inching open one by one until you finally gawked at the wonderful lights and blaring colors of the city in awe.

Your mouth fell agape the more you took the sight in, the city a blur but somewhat beautiful in its own unique way. You loosened your grip around his shoulder just so you could lift a hand up in the air, a satisfied hum vibrating in your chest as you felt the cold wind brush through your fingertips in the most comforting way.

That's when you let out a gleeful laugh.

Peter felt his heart melt ten times over at the beautiful sound. His cheeks were hurting from grinning ear to ear the more he took in how you're having the best time.

You looked absolutely breathtaking, the city lights casting a glow over your features, eyes holding nothing but pure bliss and wonder with that lovely, bright smile of yours to match.

The city was pretty sure, Peter loves seeing it at night whenever he does his patrol. But you, you were gorgeous, a stunning sight that he could never ever have enough of. You never do fail to make his heart stop, never fail to take his breath away, never fail to make his limbs all weak and Peter found himself falling deeper despite trying his hardest not to.

"This is so cool—no!" you shrieked, eyes wide with fear as you shot high up midair and went free falling for a few horrifying seconds before you landed back into his embrace, slotting right into his chest. Peter laughed as you quickly went to latch onto him, your grip viselike with both arms around his shoulders and your legs around his waist. He wrapped an arm around you securely as his other hand held tightly on the web, both of you now face to face as you continued to swing in the air.

You lifted your head up to look at him fully, faces now inches apart as you stared right into each other's eyes. Peter felt his heartbeat quicken when your orbs held a certain spark, as if you could see the actual him right behind the mask. His eyes fell on your lips, slightly parted as you gawked at him. They look really soft, very pretty, inviting.

He gulped.

At that point Peter wasn't sure if he was thankful or annoyed that he was wearing a mask. Because if he wasn't, then he would've already done something he might regret—or not—later on, especially with the consequences that would come with it.

But when you opened your mouth to start to speak, that's when Peter grew even more nervous on what could possibly be running in your thoughts.

Did you figure it out?

You didn't get a chance to say whatever it was you wanted to say when all movements stopped, Peter releasing you from his hold right as you felt your feet touch the ground.

"That was mean," you said once you gently pulled away from him. "You said you wouldn't let me go," you added, adjusting your hair and clothes before you shot him a pout.

"I'm sorry, I got a little distracted," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with a shy chuckle. It was a full on accident, mind preoccupied by all things you that he unconsciously loosened his grip around your waist which in turn, made you slip out of his grasp. "I'll always catch you though."

You pursed your lips at him with a tilt of your head. "If I hadn't known better I'd say you're flirting with me, Spider-Man."

Peter felt the heat rush up to his face in a split second. "I-I'm, uh—"

"Whoa," you cut him off once your eyes landed on the gorgeous city of Manhattan but much farther away and wider as you stood on a much higher building. The tall structures that surrounded the scene seemed like toys with their size, the lights that gleamed looking like little specks of stars floating in the air with the Empire State Building right at the middle of it all. "I haven't seen it this high up before," you said, giving him a swift glance before your eyes were back on the scenery. "It's really beautiful."

"Yeah, very beautiful," Peter sighed, brown orbs never leaving your features, his heart thumping in his chest, loud and fast, each beat all for you.

He walked over to where you were stood until your arms were brushing against each other. You spared him a glance, your smile wide and soft in a way that made his heart grow warm. But then you leaned your head on his shoulder and Peter swore he might as well die from a heart attack. If it were you with the enhanced senses, then you would probably catch him out quickly with how frantic and loud each beat his heart was making.

It wasn't new to him of course. You've always been the affectionate kind. And being your best friend, he's always at the receiving end of those affections.

But tonight feels a little different.

The fact that you feel safe around him without having to see his face, when all you see is Spider-Man, it makes his heart melt. The simple fact that you're comfortable when you're near him, that you can feel that you can trust him is really reassuring in a sense. It's like your heart is already familiar with who he is despite your brain—or your eyes—telling you that the person you're standing with right now is a complete stranger.

It feels really special when looking at it in that perspective, it makes Peter feel special.

Sudden boldness coursing through his bones, Peter snaked an arm around your shoulder with a gentle squeeze in the process. It took every ounce of his superhuman strength to keep his legs upright when you inched closer to his side, a soft breath coming out of you, a satisfied one. His eyes glowed with utmost adoration as it traced your features, from the soft smile playing on your lips to the twinkle in those irises as you kept your gaze on the stunning city in front. It baffles him how his heart quickened it's pace even more, just the sight of you in pure bliss. God he was so in love with you and you don't even have an ounce of clue.

Just say it out loud, tell her.

No, I can't. For her, I can't.

"It's getting late. I should probably head back home," you hummed, lifting your head off his shoulder to look at him. Peter nodded, arm dropping to your waist as he crouched down a little, just so you could sling an arm around his shoulder. "No dropping me this time," you warned, narrowing your eyes at him teasingly.

Peter laughed with a nod. "Yes ma'am."

The swing back to your apartment building took no time.

Despite wanting to drag the night out a little longer, Peter knew he can't do that to you when your debate was tomorrow, especially among countless papers and homework he knows you need to get to. Plus, he has his own errands he needs to tend to as well. Both of you landed on the ledge smoothly with you laughing at some bad joke he made. Peter helped you down like the gentle man that he is and giving your hand one last squeeze before he lets it go.

"Thank you for tonight," you said as you turned to his figure that remained standing on the ledge. Nothing but a wide, genuine smile played on your lips as you added, "Everything of tonight."

"Don't mention it," Peter said sweetly. "I had a really great time with you—shit. I hope that doesn't sound creepy or anything but I really did enjoy tonight, you know, our conversation, getting close with you and feeling you close to me while we were swinging...okay, I'll stop talking."

You let out the sweetest giggle that Peter could do nothing but swoon, his eyes softening as he tilted his head at you with the most adoring smile he could ever have the pleasure of wearing.

"I had a great time being close with you, too," you hummed, holding his gaze for a moment before you casted your eyes at the ground shyly. Shifting from your heels and toes, you pointed towards the rooftop door, before timidly meeting his eyes again. "I should probably—"

"Yeah, yeah, of course," Peter chuckled, shooting you a curt nod. "Goodnight, Y/N."

"Goodnight, Spider-Man," you said, swiftly turning around as you went towards the door, giving him one last glance over your shoulder when you pulled it open. He gave you a wave in response, your smile widening before you slipped inside and closed the door right behind you.

Peter had the stupidest, most shit-eating grin on his face that he don't think he could ever wipe off, eyes fluttering close as he spread his arms wide. With a satisfied breath, he slowly leaned backwards, letting gravity take its course as pure euphoria coated every fiber of his being.

Never has he ever felt such joy, freedom and utmost content as Peter lets himself fall.

***

"Hello there."

Peter looked up from his notes only to be met by a set of green eyes, completely taking him by surprise since it wasn't the pair of orbs he was expecting—and really excited—to see. It confused him to the core as to why one of the most popular girls on campus was sitting down right in front of him in the library.

"Hi?" he said, word coming out more as a question than a statement as he furrowed his brows.

"Peter right? Marjorie," she introduced, hand coming across the table to which he shook gingerly.

"Yeah, that's me." Peter smiled shyly, the crease on his forehead deepening the more he raked his brain as to why she's talking to him in the first place. Of course he knows who she is, the whole school does. Hell, he can already hear the whispers of gossip echoing about all because she's sitting right at his table, or as a matter of fact, simply because she's in the room. That's how big of a deal she is.

Marjorie moved forward, both her arms resting on the table with her bust right on top of it, the low cut top she wore doing so little to hide it, cleavage right up his face. Peter was quick to look away with a clear of his throat, eyes trained on his notes as a blush coated his cheeks.

She suddenly brought two fingers under his chin, prompting him to look back up. "Look me in the eyes when I'm talking to you pretty boy," she purred, a sly smirk growing on her lips when his blush deepened. She inched closer until she was fully leaning over the table and into his space, her thumb running across his chin teasingly. Peter's eyes grew wide in downright surprise and confusion, keeping his gaze locked with hers and never looking anywhere else—mostly not looking down—as he swallowed the lump in his throat. "Anyway, I heard you're really smart and I happen to find you really cute too. Not just a pretty face, aren't you Peter. So, I was wondering—"

Peter could feel you coming, hear you even, that all too familiar sound of your giddy and specifically patterned footsteps ringing in his ears. And dare he say it, he could smell your shampoo, the scent gradually growing stronger which was a clear indication that you were getting closer to the library.

He was left downright confused when you only stopped at the door, your heartbeat quickening by a mile as you stilled. Peter grew worried at the uneven sound of your breathing, all shallow and labored, the first thing that happens whenever you're in slight panic. He removed his eyes briefly from the girl across him only to see you turn on your heel in one swift motion and then completely disappearing from sight.

What was wrong? Where were you going?

"I, uh, I'm really sorry but I need to go." Peter quickly pulled his face away from Marjorie's hand, standing up from his seat all while shoving his things in his backpack. "I-It was nice meeting you," he said with a small smile before he sprinted towards the door.

He didn't see you anywhere near the building, didn't see you anywhere on campus at all.

It worried him even more when you ignored his texts and calls for the rest of the day. He knew your schedule but somehow, the moment he reached your class, you were already gone. Or maybe you hadn't even attended class in the first place. There was no other way of him knowing your whereabouts and he was growing really concerned by the second as to what had happened. So, he went with the last option he could think of on finding you quicker.

Peter slipped his mask on with a sigh, the sun already going down when he decided to try and pay you a visit in a very different set of clothes.

***

"Hi."

"What the fu—" You jumped with a yelp as you swiftly turned to face him, hand over your chest to try and calm your heart as you gaped at his masked face. "What are you doing here?"

Three times he's passed your apartment building and you weren't home. But by the fourth try, Peter's worry could only grow some more when he saw you out on the rooftop. You never stay out on the rooftop unless something was deeply bothering you.

"Wanted to know how the debate went," Peter reasoned, not the main agenda but it wasn't entirely a lie either.

"Well, my team won so that's great," you sighed dejectedly, leaning down to rest your elbow on the ledge while your chin landed on your palm.

"You don't seem enthusiastic? You still don't think I'm a friend?"

"No, no, I do now. It's just things in here." You tapped your temple, letting out another sigh when you brought your finger down to your chest, right where your heart is supposed to be and added, "Or in here rather."

Peter frowned. "What's up?"

"Who knew Spider-Man was into gossip," you teased, turning to flash him a small smile.

"Just curios," he hummed with a casual shrugged, settling himself down on the ledge, facing you this time around. "Besides, it's always better to let it out."

"It's just boy problems," you breathed out, eyes back on the orange tinted sky.

Peter felt a lump grow in his throat, heart sinking to his stomach at the thought of you thinking about another guy. He was quick to scold himself, telling his mind not to be selfish as he cleared his throat.

"Hit me."

"Well, there's this boy I like—" you stopped yourself, lips pursed as you started to fidget with your fingers, thinking face that Peter knows so well now in full play. "Actually no, I've been in love with him for as long as I can remember," you admitted.

The ache in Peter's heart grew sharper, painful and overwhelming that he felt his body run cold. His throat grew dry that he could do nothing but nod his head with a hum to tell you he's still following.

"He's amazing, greatest guy I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and he has never failed to show that he cares about me. He's always there for me, whenever he can anyway with his hectic life. And he makes me really happy." A love-struck smile grew on your lips, eyes glowing with adoration, face holding that look of love as you bask in the sunset. The golden glow made you look even more stunning, but Peter wasn't able to fully appreciate your beauty when his mind was too preoccupied with jealous thoughts. But a second later, the joy that's coated your features slowly faded off, now replaced by one with worry.

Peter tried his best to keep his tone steady. Despite having the voice modulator on, he knows it will pick up even the slightest shake and uncertainty. "But?"

"I truly can't figure out if he's acting the way he is because he feels the same way or all of it is just an act of friendship," you paused, taking in a deep breath as you shifted on your feet. "There are moments where I do think it's more but then there are moments where I see him with another girl and I start questioning it again. Like, am I reading things wrong? Am I getting too ahead of myself by thinking he could possibly feel the same way?" You pinched the bridge of your nose in frustration. "I don't even know how to convey my own feelings—"

"You could just tell him," Peter blurted to cut you off, not wanting to hear any more as the piercing pain in his chest could only deepen the more you talk about it. He's already got the drift anyway, no need for you to explain any further.

You turned to look at him fully with furrowed brows. "Just like that?"

Peter nodded. "You are an amazing girl Y/N," he said, nothing but utmost sincerity coating his voice. He just wants you to find someone who's going to make you happy and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. It seems like you've found exactly that, who was he to take that away from you by being bitter? Besides, Peter has long accepted that that someone is never going to be him. "Whoever this guy you're in love with, he's pretty lucky. If he doesn't see that then it's his loss. And if he doesn't feel the same way, then he's not the right guy for you because you deserve someone who'll love you unconditionally."

"You giving out relationship advice now too? A sideline if you're not saving the world?" you joked, only earning a shrug and a soft laugh from him. "But thank you." You flashed him a small but grateful smile.

"Always happy to help," he said. "I better get going, got a city to look after." Peter forced a smile, a useless tactic given that there was no way for you to see it anyway. He stood up to his full height before adding, "Congrats on the debate." He didn't even wait for a response when he swiftly jumped and swung as far away from your building as possible.

The second he landed on top of an abandoned warehouse, Peter immediately pulled his mask off. He couldn’t bear to leave it on a second longer or else he was going to suffocate. Sharp breaths escaped him as his back hit the brick wall, eyes screwed shut to stop any tear from slipping out of his burning eyes. He tried his hardest to calm his frantic heart, to minimize the pain by shoving his selfish thoughts away. He forced himself to think about you and your well-being instead, tried to convince himself that this was a good thing.

He doesn't doubt that this guy you're smitten with is a great one. The way you speak about him just screams it. Add that to you being great at judging character, then he knows you're in good hands. Despite it hurting like a ton of punches in the chest, Peter still hoped that whoever this guy is, he'll catch you in his arms openly and shower you with the truest love because you deserve nothing but. The pain would be worth it if he gets to see you be happy.

Peter knows that whoever this guy is, he would treat you rightly, give you everything you want and need in a way that Peter never could.

Slowly opening his eyes, he lets out a calming breath, mind slowly slipping at ease the more he thinks about how happy, content and safe you'll be with this guy if ever it will work out.

It hurts, unbearably, but his sliver of pain in exchange for your utmost happiness? Then Peter will gladly endure it.

***

The next day, Saturday noon, was when you finally decided to answer Peter's texts from the day before. You apologized for ghosting him, said you got preoccupied and left it at that. And then you asked if he wanted to go for a little stroll in the park, too make it up to him. Peter could never say no to you so here you were, side by side under the afternoon sun, aimlessly walking around a nearly deserted park outskirts of the main city.

"Why'd you disappear yesterday?" he asked, both his hands in his pockets while yours were looped in his. "I saw you stop by at the library but you didn't come and say hi."

You shrugged, eyes trained on the pavement as you kicked at the few rocks that were lying around. "Something came up," you simply said.

Peter can't help but feel a little sting when you didn't elaborate further. Well, he already knew what had happened but that was as Spider-Man. He was hoping you'd tell him too, as Peter Parker, your long time best friend.

"Thank you for the email by the way," you spoke again when he stayed quiet, lifting your head up to spare him a bright smile. "We wouldn't have won the debate if it wasn't for you."

"Winning the debate was all on you and that incredible brain of yours. I'm not going to take credit for that," he chuckled as he shot you a knowing look. Eyes back in front, Peter added, "But I'm always here to help. That's what best friends are for."

You hummed, letting go of his arm as you skipped ahead and treaded towards the nearest tree. "What's up with you and Marjorie?" you asked, settling down on the grass, legs straight with your right ankle over you left as you leaned back against the trunk comfortably.

"What's up with what?" Peter followed you with a deep crease between his brows, sitting right beside you soon after, mirroring your position under the shade.

"You tell me, you were almost kissing when I saw you in the library so," you trailed off, picking at the shreds of greenery, throwing it purposelessly as you still avoided his gaze. "Are you two a thing now?"

Peter shook his head with a roll of his eyes. "First off, we were not almost kissing and second, no, we're not a thing," he clarified, head turned for him to see you clearly. "I didn't even get to hear what she wanted because I immediately left," he chuckled.

Your eyes snapped up to meet his. "You bailed on her in the library?"

"Sort of?" Peter scrunched his nose.

"That's a very bold move, Parker," you giggled, bumping your shoulder with his teasingly. "Most guys would've died to just be in the same room as her."

Peter let out a hearty laugh, shrugging his shoulders and said, "Well, I guess I'm not like most guys."

Marjorie was pretty, Peter won't deny that, but she could never amount to you. Even right now, when you're just sitting beside him in casual jeans and sweater, a simple but very charming smile on your lips as you looked up at the clouds, Peter was already swooning ten times over. Then comes the memory of you looking so breathtaking while he took you around the city. The stunning glow on your face as you stared at the scene in awe was still deeply engraved in Peter's mind, and he knows for a fact that that image will never leave him. Not that he was complaining anyway.

"So, how did your meeting with Spider-Man go?" he asked after a few moments of silence. A shy smile slowly grew on your lips, one that made Peter lift a brow at you in suspicion.

"He's really cool," you breathed out, your grin growing wider as you kept your gaze steadily trained at the blue sky. "He's a gentleman too, a little shy and awkward but in a cute way. Plus, very wise and smart, like lived-a-life wise and genius smart. He then took me to swing around the city which was awesome," you gushed, a dreamy glow coating your face as you met Peter's eyes. "That night is going to be a night I'll remember for the rest of my life for sure."

Peter couldn't help the smug grin that grew on his face. "If I hadn't known better I'd say you have a crush on Spider-Man," he teased, wriggling his brows at you.

"Shut up," you scoffed with a roll of your eyes.

"It's obvious. You have that dreamy look on your face when you talk about him," he poked even more, nudging you with his elbow playfully.

"No, I don't," you laughed as you pushed him away. "Besides, I've got my eyes on someone else already."

Peter's heart sunk.

He found himself playing with the sleeves of his hoodie as he avoided your gaze, trying his hardest to keep his feelings at bay before you'd notice the change in his demeanor. "Care to share with your best friend?" he offered, wondering if you're finally willing to tell him about this mystery guy.

You stayed quiet, eyes fluttering close as you rested your head on his shoulder. Peter kept his gaze steady on you, everything else silent aside from the sound of the rustling leaves of the tree. But then you let out a nervous breath, heartbeat picking up the pace in a way that made Peter grow curious as to what's on your mind.

"I love you," you blurted out of the blue, a slight shake in your voice as you kept your eyes shut.

Although confused, Peter responded, "I love you too—"

"No, Peter," you paused, shifting in your place, pulling away from him as you sat up straighter. You finally met his brown orbs, all while countless of emotions swam in yours. "I love you," you whispered but with your voice firm and laced with pure sincerity, eyes holding his with such intensity that he quickly understood.

Peter stared at you in shock.

Slowly, but surely, everything started to click inside his head. The confession you shared with Spider-Man. When you said you'd seen this guy with another girl...the library. Was that why you quickly ran out? When you saw...almost kissing. Was that the reason why your heart suddenly grew at panic?

The guy you were gushing about so fondly, the same one you said you were in love with for a long time now, the one Peter was growing jealous of...it was him.

You were talking about him, Peter Parker.

He grew at a loss for words as he gawked at you, a smile growing on his lips as he felt his heart stop its course and then beat again but with twice the pace. Peter was so happy, over the universe as pure warmth filled him up from head to toe. The mere thought that you felt the same, it was too good to be true. But it was, he can see it clear in your eyes, it was real.

You love him.

But then his mood was quick to shift, smile slipping off his face, the warmth and joy that coated his bones replaced by fear and worry in a snap of a finger.

Peter's heart stopped at the sight in front of him.

You were getting held at knifepoint by the throat, tears brimming in your eyes, more of it coating your cheeks as you clawed at the arm that trapped you in their vise hold.

"P-Peter, I love you," you whimpered, gaze locking with his, hope slipping out of your orbs, the glow they once held getting dimmer by the second in a way that made a shiver run down his spine. Then Peter heard it, that piercing cackle he knew too well, his brown eyes meeting the yellow ones that glowed right behind you.

"You won't be able to save the love of your life, Spider-Man...or should I say, Peter Parker!"

Peter shook his head frantically as he yelled out your name, running at full speed to get to you only to be met by sudden darkness, your heart wrenching scream ringing in his ears followed by an agonizing sound of a body hitting the floor. Peter's blood ran cold as he frantically called out your name, over and over and over yet nothing but eerie silence echoed back at him.

And then he looked down, eyes landing on his trembling hands, each finger, both palms coated with blood, your blood.

You were gone.

"No, no, no," Peter rushed, voice quivering, hastily getting up on his feet as he looked at you worryingly. "You can't, Y/N. You can't love me."

It's not safe for you to love me.

The look of pure pain that ghosted over you features squeezed at Peter's heart, the pit in his stomach ever growing the more he thought of what he was about to do.

You stood up shakily to be level with him, deep frown on your lips, confusion and hurt swimming in your eyes as you asked, "Why'd you seem disgusted? You could just say you don't feel the same way."

"N-No, it's not that, neither of that because—" he sucked in a sharp breath, a hand running through his hair as he stared into your eyes longingly. "I do feel the same way about you."

You screwed your eyes shut as you shook your head. "Please don't lie to make me feel better, Peter," you pleaded, the break in your voice a sharp stab at his chest.

"When have I ever lied to you?" Peter internally winced at his bold and very false claim. Nothing but guilt filled his stomach given that he lies to you almost every day. He lies to you about his whereabouts, lies to you about his reasons. Peter lies to you every goddamn day by not telling you he's Spider-Man.

"Then why are your actions speaking something else then?" You gestured towards him as a whole, at the obvious distance that he's put between you two. Your eyes were slowly glossing up as you tried to simply understand what was going on.

Peter sighed, "I just don't want to hurt you okay? I—I don't want you to lose faith on the things you love because of me."

I don't want you to lose your life because of me.

"You're not making any sense," you said frustratedly.

"I'm not qualified to be a good boyfriend, Y/N. I won't be there with you all the time. I'd probably cancel on you on so many dates," Peter paused, meeting your eyes so you could see where he was coming from. "Hell, how many times have I bailed on you right now as your best friend huh? The amount of times I've left you on the street to go home alone?"

Your frown deepened as you held his eyes with nothing but sadness. "You had things going on Peter. You're being really unfair on yourself," you said.

"But you still don't deserve to be treated like that. Not now, not ever, no matter the reason," he pushed. "You deserve all those romantic clichés you're always dreaming of, you deserve to be treated like the queen that you are. You deserve the whole world Y/N, but I won't be able to give you that." Peter's voice broke, eyes holding too many emotions as he kept his gaze steady with yours. A painful task with all the pain and betrayal that's coated your eyes, utmost hurt glaring right at him. "Being with me won't be a fairytale."

Peter wasn't ignorant to the fact that you were a hopeless romantic. The countless rom-coms you've watched together have long ago proved that. The specific look in your eyes, that certain glimmer that washes over your face whenever the couple would kiss under the snow or even in the rain, or whenever they'd go on romantic walks on the beach or simply be in each other's arm whenever it's needed, Peter has memorized it. The little changes in your face whenever you see those clichés, he knows it like the back of his hand, knows how you're craving that kind of simple but true love.

But Peter can't give you any of that. Not right now.

"But I don't want a fairytale. I want to be with you. I don't care if we don't get to do any romantic clichés, being with you would surpass all of that, being with you would be more than enough. And I'm willing to try and make it work with whatever you've got going on, even if I have to make sacrifices in the process. Why can't you see that Peter?" you argued, hands clenched into fists on your sides in mere frustration.

Peter winced, the word sacrifice too heavy for him to hear. It was too painful to even fathom what you would possibly sacrifice for him, that you would probably even sacrifice all of it for him, including your life.

"No, no, please don't," he begged. "I don't want you to sacrifice anything for me. I would never want you to sacrifice those little things that make you smile. I don't want you to sacrifice your happiness for me." Peter shook his head in utter distress, palm rubbing at his face harshly that had the tip of his nose turn red. "And what happens then if it doesn't work? You'll only get disappointed. You'll only end up hating me. By then, I would have already put you through so much hurt all for nothing. I don't want that for you, Y/N."

"How'd you know that when you haven't even tried?" you whispered, bottom lip trembling. "It's like you're not even willing to try," you whimpered.

The second Peter saw the single tear that ran down your cheek he instinctively moved closer, hands reaching out, desperate to hold you, to get to tell you it's going to be alright, to apologize over and over for all the pain he has caused. But you stopped him with the palm of your hand. He felt his heart drop the moment you took a step back, shaking your head, bottom lip desperately caught between your teeth to silence your sobs.

Peter nodded gravely, his arms falling limp by his sides, fully understanding that you don't want him near. He doesn't blame you by one bit. "It's not that I'm not willing to, I just," he paused as he let out a shaky breath. "I don't trust myself to be with you. I don't trust myself with your heart because I know I will only end up breaking it. I'll only let you down." I don't trust myself to keep you safe from harm. I'll only fail you just like how I failed them. Peter confessed, brown orbs turning glossy, all from a mixture of pain and anger. He was so angry at himself for putting you through all this hurt, you don't deserve it, not even a single ounce of it.

Yes, he can try, see where this will go and do his best to be there for you at all times. But that's not set on stone, never a clear promise because he doesn't know what his tomorrow is going to bring. He doesn't know if he's staying in the neighborhood one minute and then entering another dimension the next. Being Spider-Man, he doesn't have a schedule where Peter can organize things as a matter of priority, being Spider-Man requires its own sets of sacrifices. Peter doesn't want you to feel the burden of those sacrifices, too.

He doesn't doubt that you would be understanding enough with whatever it is he has going on but that's exactly the problem. He knows you'll take the bare minimum, you'll put him first above your wants and needs. You're just too kind that way, too big of a heart. But Peter can't have that because it's just not right; it's not what you should settle for. You deserve all the dates, all the romantic walks, all the cuddles and kisses whenever you're down, all the stress free nights where you don't have to worry about him or wait for him to come back to you safe and unharmed, all the time and effort, you deserve all of it and more.

And right now, Peter can't give you what you deserve.

"Or maybe you just don't love me in the way you say you do," you accused, voice soft but the sting in it sharp.

"That's not fucking true because I love you with every ounce of my being," he protested in low growl, desperately tugging at his hair, frustrated that he can't tell you his full reasons as to why exactly he can't be with you. "I love you too much and I want to be with you so badly—"

"Then why is that not enough?" you stressed.

"You don't understand—"

"Then make me understand!" you snapped, tears running freely down your face as you looked at him with utmost despair.

"It's not that fucking simple Y/N!" Peter saw you flinch at the sudden boom of his voice, his heart cracking at the sight. He felt everything in him gradually break the more you stared at him with nothing but anguish. He took in a deep breath to calm himself before he slips out any words that he'll only regret later on. Blowing out his cheeks, he croaked, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just—"

Peter tried again and walked closer to you, trembling hands slowly reaching in mere need to feel your skin on his to ground him back, relief washing over him when you let him. He felt his heart warm up a little when you didn't pull away from his touch. But the broken sob you let out when he cupped your face, it was too excruciating for him to hear. The agonizing grip on Peter's heart tightened as he stared right into your eyes, the same ones that once held so much joy but was now flooded with tears and grief, their gorgeous glow snuffed out, all because of him.

"I'm just trying to protect you, please, trust me on that," he whispered, not even trying to hide the brokenness in his voice anymore, not even trying to hold back his tears as Peter pressed his forehead against yours.

The little droplets fell down on your face, his tears joining yours on your already damp skin. His thumb oh so tenderly tried to wipe them all away, wishing that it was as easy as that to ease up your pain, to take away your hurt so simply, but he knows it wasn't. It wasn't an easy choice and Peter knows it never will be.

"I love you so much, don't you ever, ever doubt that. B-But we can't. I'm really sorry Y/N, but we can't be together. I-I know this hurts right now, trust me, I know, but I will only make it much worse," he choked, shaking his head when you leaned into his palm with a broken breath. But you kept your eyes open, held his gaze with utter strength and Peter saw it, saw how you still looked at him with love in your eyes. Despite it being mixed with pain, it was there, clear and honest. God he did not fucking deserve you at all.

"You deserve someone who'd treat you the way you deserve to be treated, someone who'd truly show you how it feels to be loved completely and not just the bare minimum. You deserve someone who'd be so much better than me." Peter's voice broke at the end of his sentence, eyes still holding yours just so you could see the other things he can't put into words, the things he couldn't say aloud. He was desperately, silently pleading that you would see right through him, so you could understand why he has to do this. "Maybe in another life, we could make this work. But right now I'm asking, begging you not to love me, because I don't deserve that love, I don't deserve you at all."

Peter practically saw your heart shatter into pieces even more with the simple look in your eyes. It's an absolute torture to look into them right now, to see you be so broken that he found himself wishing that it was only him in pain instead. Even though the thought hurts, he wished you didn't love him. Even though it would be painful to endure, to live in a world where his feelings aren't reciprocated, Peter wished you didn't love him at all if it meant it was going to save you from heartbreak.

Better him in pain than you, always.

Breath unsteady, you closed your eyes with a small nod. "I guess this is it," you sniffled, placing your hands over his, your touch tender as you gave it a squeeze. But then you pulled it away from your face, Peter's hands slipping off your skin as you put some much needed distance between you two.

"Y/N—"

"I don't think we can go back to the way things were after this Peter. I'm sorry I just—I don't think I can handle it." You shook your head with a soft cry, forcing yourself to look back into those brown orbs as you whispered, "I can’t take it."

Peter pressed his lips into a thin line, eyes casted on the grass with a solemn nod as he croaked out, "Then I guess this is it."

"Goodbye, Peter."

He screwed his eyes shut at the sound of your broken voice, the heartbreaking sob that followed soon after made him let out a shaky breath. The sound of your footsteps felt like gunshots, each step taken like a bullet wounding him deep but Peter didn't dare to respond, didn't even dare to look up as you briskly walked away.

Peter had to keep his head down because he didn't have enough strength, didn't have the sense of control to stay still in his place. He knows that if he does as much as look up and catch your figure, he'll run after you, full speed. He'll pull you back into his arms; he'll pour all his love into one kiss as he holds you tightly. He'll keep you in his embrace for eternity the moment he gives in into his selfish needs. But he shouldn't. He needs to let you go, he has to let you walk away, for your sake.

The farther the sound of your footsteps got, the tighter his fists grew, fingernails digging into his palms as his breathing became labored, harsh. Peter swiftly turned around and took a hard swing at the tree once you were gone, glad that no one was around to see the whole thing shake from his strength. The bark cracked under his knuckle, leaves falling around him just as his knees gave out. A sharp, broken, frustrated scream escaped his lips as he buried his face in his hands, body shaking with all the anger and pain, trembling from his heart wrenching sobs.

Peter felt like his lungs were about to give out, emotions overflowing and scorching all while feeling numb just the same. But he kept reminding himself why he's doing this for him to get by, kept telling himself that being far apart was for the best.

For your sake.

***

The wind was cold on your face as you stood out on the rooftop to escape. The night breeze was slowly drying up your tears, much to no use since it's replaced by fresh ones the second after anyway. You don't know how long you've been crying for, but it wouldn't really matter. Your tears could run out but the pain in your heart could only deepen with each ticking second.

You were worried, angry, hurt, frustrated and confused all the same, unable to tie everything together as it all just seemed like a whole jumbled mess in your head, an incomplete puzzle.

You're not naïve to think that there wasn't more to this than he's letting on. You know he was hiding bits and pieces, his words completely restrained. You saw it in his eyes how he was battling his mind. You saw how he was struggling to not slip out whatever it was he was holding back. It was painful, all of it, from seeing him so distressed to him breaking your heart with his care-filled yet hurtful words.

You get where he's coming from, about wanting you to experience it all and more and not just the bare minimum. If it was a different circumstance, the things he said would've been sweet, how he wants you to have the world, how he wants you to live all those clichés just so he could see you smile, see you be happy. But right now, his words just felt bittersweet since you lost him in the process.

All those days of imagining all the different scenarios on what it would look like, how it would feel when he admits he feels the same way, not once did you ever expect that Peter Parker saying he loves you would feel like a knife to the heart.

What hurts even more is the fact that he is so keen on shutting any chance, and sliver of hope down. He won't even try, like you're not worth any risks at all. It makes you question how important you actually are to him, makes you question if he really does love you in the way he claims he does.

"Ahem."

"Shit!" you squeaked, head snapping towards the squatted figure, eyes landing on the familiar masked man who seemed to like the element of surprise. "You need to stop doing that!"

"Sorry, should've given you a heads up," he apologized, voice sounding a little hoarse, a little...different.

"No shit," you grumbled, hastily wiping away your tears with the sleeves of your sweater before you turned back to face him. "What's brought you here?"

"Was just in the neighborhood, saw you out here and I thought I'd swing by," he said with a casual shrug, gaze steady on the building across. You did just the same as you turned back in front, fingers drumming on the concrete ledge as you stood in silence for a couple minutes, his company soothing in some odd way. But you welcome it, makes you feel more present, stopping you from slipping neck deep into the chaos that's in your head.

"You okay? You seem a bit down," he said, voice still a little gruff, eyes everywhere else but at you.

"Well, I guess you can say that," you breathed out.

"Want to talk about it?"

You bit your bottom lip when it started to tremble, a fresh batch of tears brimming in your eyes. "I told him," you whispered. "You know that friend I talked to you about? I told him I'm in love with him and he wasn't too happy with it. He pushed me away, I—" You shook your head with a shaky breath, eyes now trained on the busy street below. You swallowed the lump in your throat before adding, "He said he loved me but he pushed me away."

The superhero beside you cleared out his throat, shifting in his place until he was fully seated down, his legs hanging off the side of the building. "Did he tell you why?"

"He said he wouldn't be a good boyfriend and that he won't be there for me when I need him. He said I deserved better, which doesn't make any sense because he's already been doing that, being there for me. And I have no doubt he'd treat me rightly but he doesn't seem to believe that himself," you whimpered, harshly wiping away the tears that rushed out your eyes, not wanting to seem pathetic for a boy, not to seem weak in front of the masked hero.

"Hey, you don't have to act all tough for me," he reassured, hand coming up to give your shoulder a comforting squeeze for a short but sweet moment. "It's okay to cry, it doesn't mean you're weak."

You nodded, grateful for his understanding, flashing him a sad smile for a second before you stared back at the city. "And I get he's got a lot going on, I do too but what's painful is that he's not even willing to try and see if it would work or not. It hurts to think that I'm willing to try and make ends meet, that I would do anything to be with him, but he won't do the same for me. It makes me feel like I'm not worth fighting for, that I'm not enough."

"That's not true, Y/N," he whispered, almost as if didn't want you to hear it, your brows furrowing a little as you spared him a glance. He was already looking at you but the second your eyes landed on his face, he swiftly looked away. "What else did he say?" he asked swiftly, voice louder with a clear of his throat.

"He said he can't be with me because he didn't want to hurt me which sounds so fucking stupid since he's hurting me now. Really badly," you whimpered, bottom lip quivering as you screwed your eyes shut, taking in deep calming breaths, steadying yourself before you opened them again.

"Maybe he is just trying to look out for you," he started, head tilted to the side as he looked at you with a shaky breath. "Sometimes the best way to protect someone is to keep them at a safe distance, to not get too close to them, both physically but mostly emotionally."

You frowned, gaze landing back on the white fabric that's covered his eyes. "You do that too? Push people away?"

"I don't want to but I have to," he sighed, looking down at his hands like they were too heavy, like they hold so much weight over his life, caused him so much trouble and pain. He stared at them for a few seconds more before his fingers started to pick at his web shooters. "It's the best way to keep the people I care about safe."

"Because of all the bad guys chasing after you?"

He let out a soft chuckle as he nodded. "Yeah, you could say that."

You turned to face him fully, deep frown still etched on your lips as you crossed your arms over your chest. "Does that not get lonely?"

"It does." He nodded dejectedly, his eyes still looking elsewhere. "But it's better than seeing the ones I love get hurt because of the sole reason that they love me and that I love them just as much, if not more. Once they find out who I am, they're going to use that against me. They will always use that against me." The pain and hurt that coated his voice in his last sentence, you heard it loud and clear, makes you wonder what hardships he could've gone through to feel this way. "I think it's best to keep them away from this side of my world. I admit, it's really hard for me to stay away but I just keep reminding myself that all I'm doing is trying to keep them safe as much as I can," he paused, turning his head to finally look at you and you felt your heart stop at his next set of words.

"I'm just trying to protect them."

You felt as though that the clouds cleared up above your head, the puzzle pieces falling into place, completing itself as you slowly and finally tied everything together.

All those times he's suddenly in a rush to leave with a half-assed reason, the times where you'd catch a glimpse of the random cuts and bruises he had on his body, it all became so clear. And the night you first met Spider-Man, that odd feeling you had when he squeezed your hand the first time, it finally made sense. That same night, you felt as though you were crazy when you found yourself gravitating towards a complete stranger, a masked superhero at that. You found it ridiculous how you felt like you could trust him right off the bat. When you felt a vast feeling of being safe around him in so little time, initially you told yourself that it wasn't a good thing, that it was dangerous and you should tread carefully, but now the feeling just felt awfully familiar.

That's when you fully understood everything. The knots in your head gradually untangled itself as you gawked at him, mouth slightly agape in pure shock, tears welling up in your eyes for a different reason this time. All the things he's been through, all the pain and grief from the people he's lost, the weight that the world has put on his shoulders, it made your heartbreak. It made you feel so guilty that you weren't there for him through all that.

A new found weight settled itself in your chest because as you stared right at the mask, you saw him.

"Well, I need to go. You know, got a city to look after," he chuckled shyly as he looked away, his voice sounding starkly different from the previous encounters as it now held a sense of familiarity. "See you later."

With that, he jumped off, your eyes following the red in blue under the night sky, gradually getting smaller until disappearing from sight.

You smiled, a small one, didn't quite reach your ears but it was genuine. Your heart was still aching, mostly for him than for you, but it was also now filled with the greatest pride as you whispered, just under your breath,

"See you later, Peter Parker."

-:-:-:-:-

like, reblog & leave a comment if you enjoyed! tell me your thoughts! <3

♛ Overall/Everything Taglist: @theunwantedomega @badreputatiom @fallinfortom @disneysamara @avengersficwriter @musicalkeys @apatheticanvas67482 @camimndess @tom-hlover @jjandreidsgirl @caramelscoffee @thenoddingbunny-blog @t-lostinworlds @sarcasticallywitty15 @call-me-baby-gir1 @miraclesoflove @tanakaslastbraincell @itstaskeen ♛ Peter P. Taglist: @averyfosterthoughts @darlingspidey @namoreno @keepingupwiththehollands @quaksonhehe @big-galaxy-chaos @clara-licht @dummiesshort @geminiparkers @parker-hollandx @rebekkah4766 @iwannabekilledtwice @prettyintopeerpressure @spideyspeaches @givebuckyhisplumsnow @asoftie4bucky @dandelionxgal @peterspideysstuff @zspideyy @sluttytears || @kelieah​

just let me know if you want to be removed from the taglist! <3

[mcheang]

I read this book a long time ago and this girl was like bullied so she changed her appearance to look more like the popular girls with designer clothes and stuff. She sat in the back and told the teachers to call her by her middle name. And everyone else thought she was missing. Can you like do this for Marinette? And when the class asks Mari's other friends from other classes, where she is, they just laughs.

Faye

Guess my inspiration for her middle name

Marinette was tired.

Tired of being taken advantage of. Tired of the pressure Ms Bustier and the class placed on her. Tired of being falsely accused and then ignored.

Summer vacation was just what she needed to get away.

She would be on tour with Jagged this time. And eventually her concerned employer asked what was wrong.

Jagged: well, you should stand up to them.

Marinette: i tried to, but everyone is so used to seeing me be generous Marinette that they won’t stop bothering me.

Penny: then maybe you should stop looking like that. Change your appearance to reflect your inner transformation

Jagged: shopping spree! I’ll get Fang

Marinette’s new look is inspired by Xiaodi from 麻辣变形计. While her clothes aren’t so tough as the bodyguards’s, they do have edge and she even streaked her hair blue.

Because Marinette didn’t have time to create a new wardrobe for herself, Jagged insisted she and Penny buy a new one. Penny and Marinette visited the latter’s favorite designers’ stores. Her chosen outfits were crisp, cool, and comfortable.

Marinette looked at the mirror and exhaled.

It was time to let down her hair

Looking at Marinette’s new look, Penny remarked that she wouldn’t have recognised her if she had not shopped with Mari as well.

Jagged: you think her class will recognize her? Ooh, let’s have a bet. Marinette can change her name and we’ll make sure that Bustier woman doesn’t teach her class. With Marinette’s newfound change, let’s see if the class will know who she is. If they don’t recognize her, I get to claim Marinette is my niece.

Penny: you already do that

Jagged: I’ll make an official statement then

Marinette: alright. But if they do recognize me, you have to take over my baking shifts.

The class was disappointed that Ms Bustier would no longer be teaching them for any subject. Instead their class will be led by Ms Mendeliev, who didn’t mind Marinette’s request that she be called by her middle name Faye.

And just like how Adrien was not told to introduce himself on his first day, Marinette wasn’t called from the back of the class to come up to the front to introduce herself. But even so, the class wondered who the new girl was.

She was pretty, and she definitely exuded a cool aura.

When spoken to, the girl would introduce herself as Faye and would answer questions about herself with curt responses. She clearly wanted to get back to her fashion magazine.

The class got the hint and let her be.

Marinette was kind of disappointed but she hid it well.

Later, the class would realized Marinette was absent. Normally the girl was late, but never this late.

Alya raised her hand, “Ms Mendeliev, what happened to Marinette?”

Mendeliev: I have no idea (teenagers these days!)

Lila: did she transfer because of me? Oh no

Alya: don’t feel bad, girl. It’s Marinette’s problem that she can’t handle her own jealousy

Adrien: that’s enough. You don’t know what you’re talking about!

Adrien felt guilty. He had tried to help Marinette by halting whatever vitriol Lila spewed, but he also had to uphold his promise to be Lila’s ‘friend’

Oh, Ms Mendeliev got a slightly better idea of what the situation was about.

Later during lunch, Marinette sat with her friends Aurore, Mireille, Marc, Nathaniel, Alix, and Juleka. The last three were the only ones from class who knew who she was.

Nathaniel had learned not to judge a book by its cover. He wanted the whole story before making his judgment.

Alix had a miraculous for a reason.

Juleka trusted Luka’s judgment.

Marinette had considered letting Adrien in on the deal, but the dude couldn’t pick a side. He was like that with Chloé, and he’s like that with Lila. Marinette couldn’t trust him fully. Which was a shame.

Anyway, Faye had developed a reputation as the school’s newest fashion plate. She wore expensive clothes but wasn’t so gaudy to wear everything in high class brands (Lila is a prime example of gaudy. Adrien’s clothes may be fine and the same brand, but they are subtle)

She was known as the snobby fashionista to her class because she refused to socialise with them, especially when Jagged had claimed Faye as his niece (Marinette still wanted some privacy)

Meanwhile, the class pretty much moved on from Marinette, except Adrien who kept sending her emails and texts. Marinette replied but firmly stated she was not coming back. They were more like penpals now despite being in the same classroom.

Class elections were coming up and Lila was elected president. Adrien warned Alya that with Lila’s frequent ailments and celebrity visits and her modelling job, she will pretty much dump the work on Alya.

Alya claims she doesn’t mind. After all, she and Marinette shared the workload (Marinette did most of the work since Alya was scrolling through her blog). How hard could it be? Besides, Lila promised prime field trip experiences. Like dining at the Eiffel Tower’s restaurants! Not to mention their only other nominee was Chloé.

In little more than a month, Ms Mendeliev declared that since Lila was too busy for class president duties, and Alya clearly couldn’t keep up (how did Sabrina manage?), Sabrina and Chloé will be replacing them.

The class were fearful. And in their trepidation, they glared at Lila.

Needing someone to blame, Lila claimed Marinette had sabotaged her ideas before leaving Dupont. It’s her fault her plans fell through.

Adrien protested the accusation, demanding evidence. Ever since he slowly came to the realization that with Marinette absent from school, there was no need to honor their bargain, Adrien had been increasingly hostile to Lila and made his feelings clear to his fans. Alya and Nino had to be their buffer when Lila blames the harsh feedback of her modelling career on him.

Fed up, Adrien demands proof that Marinette did something bad to Lila. And no, bruises or lost homework or Lila’s own account should not matter. He wants a third person account or video evidence!

Trying to calm his bro down, Nino suggests they just call Marinette for advice on how to deal with this issue. She was busy and yet somehow managed.

Adrien quietly points out Marinette changed her number.

The class is outraged but he refuses to share it, respecting her privacy.

Fed up, the class decides to confront Marinette for her leaving them with no farewells or goodbyes. Lila goads this because it takes the heat off her.

First, they ask Ms Bustier. She has no clue. They ask Ms Mendeliev. She snorts that they are so blind. Finally, they ask Marinette’s allies: Juleka, Alix and Nathaniel. Before Marinette left, they joined her in exile. Now they join Faye in exile.

When asked about Marinette, they either laugh or are disgusted at their ignorance.

They give up after a few days. The class is miserable under Chloe’s reign, though she leaves Faye alone. Lila is now deemed unreliable and is ignored.

Eventually, it is time for graduation. And as Faye gets ready to accept her diploma, the principal calls out Marinette’s name.

Cue stunned class while everyone else, including Jagged and Penny, cheer.

Marinette Faye Dupain-Cheng can honestly say her senior year had been a blast. Her class, on the other hand, had different answers.

Nathaniel, Juleka and Alix had managed just fine. Adrien did his best to keep everyone calm and appeased. Chloé made sure she got the title of bitch queen. It was a title she flaunted. (I’m just thinking of Aelin from ToG)

[juminsmysticmc]

Hey, it’s me, the one who request the moth headcanon, sorry about the trouble and if it’s okay, instead I would like to see an MC who’s major is digital arts and animation. If not, it’s fine, just have a great day.

RFA + Minor Trio with a Mc who's major is digital arts and animations

Hey! It was no trouble at all! I hope that it’s okay for you tho, I am happy that you could request something different! I hope you enjoy this one too! Have a nice day!

Jumin

Your husband observed you. Ever since he installed a room for you alone in his penthouse, you could finally work from home a bit more.

He hadn’t realized that even before you came into the RFA, he had already worked with you.

Your major, digital arts and animation, was often used for his advertising or other programs.

You often wanted to meet the CEO, but since he always thought that you would be just a gold digger, he always rejected you, just making Jaehee send emails with the things he wanted to have inserted.

Well, today he regretted his choice back then.

Instead, he observed you.

You were working on a new project.

,,How many years did you have to study? I mean, you have so many majors… Design Director, Storyboard Director, I didn’t know, you were multitalented, my love,’’ he praised you.

You even worked a lot with the audio.

You looked up and smiled at your husband.

,,Thank you, my love. I’m trying to make your latest project work. Wanna see?’’ you asked him.

However he knew that your work would be amazing and wanted to have it be a surprise rather than get spoiled.

Zen

Your boyfriend never understood how you could be such a good multitasker.

You could cook, set the table, chat with Jaehee, and even post something on your blog.

But once he saw you at work, he understood.

It had something to do with your job.

You had to work in different kinds of media at the same time.

,,This isn’t just one,’’ you told him and scrolled through your phone.

Your long hair was in your way so you put it away with one hand.

,,I have to work with the sound, video, and stop-motion graphics at the same time. I do this and much more, but I don’t want to annoy you,’’ you laughed as you looked up.

,,You don’t annoy me, Mrs. Director,’’ he laughed and kissed you.

You were even the director of a whole section and helped new students get into the job.

,,Okay, so, see this video?’’ you showed him an animated movie you just got via email.

,,This was made by my students, but she used the wrong program because the audio is slightly separated from the video itself,’’ you told him.

He hadn’t noticed anything at first, but after you told him, he saw it too.

,,And you noticed after a few seconds? You’re amazing!’’ he smiled and looked over your shoulders. You were still cooking.

Yoosung

Your husband wondered why he never saw you or met you since your college wasn’t that far away from his building.

But thank God both of you finally met thanks to the RFA.

He was also amazed by you because you were pretty famous among students.

You even had your own blog and of course you programmed everything yourself.

It looked amazing.

You had every single section working in there, but your point was the digital arts and animation.

,,Did you really have to submit a portfolio to be admitted?’’ he asked you when he read your latest blog.

You nodded at him as you typed something on your keyboard.

,,Mhm, especially to bachelor of fine arts,’’ you told him.

He didn’t quite understand, but he still nodded.

,,I didn’t have to,’’ he mumbled.

,,That’s why it’s written on there. The little word ,,may’’ says that you possibly have to, but not always,’’ you told him, making him sulk.

,,I know what ,,may’’ means… ah, and tell me. What are the admission requirements?’’ he asked you.

You turned your head and looked at him.

,,Can you maybe read the whole post instead of just the keywords? You need to check on the page itself for the requirements. Every university does it differently,’’ you told him and closed the page.

,,Ah. I just wanted to test you,’’ he smiled and looked at you.

He looked so up to you. You always knew what the latest LOLOL update changed in the game. You were amazing...

Jaehee

,,What? You went to Harvard University?’’ Zen asked you. He didn’t know that he was in a group with such an intelligent person and you were even Jaehee’s girlfriend.

You nodded.

,,She’s also very creative. Did you see our advertisement? She did it herself. Pretty amazing, right?!’’ Jaehee said proudly, no one had ever seen her that excited.

You changed her.

You and Jaehee also often went to different festivals to check the latest innovations. It was something even Jaehee was interested in.

And thanks to you, she even understood a few things since you were very good at explaining things.

,,Should we buy this new keyboard? It fits much better than the one you have now in your studio,’’ she told you and admired the keyboard in front of you.

She looked up to you since you were such a hard worker as a owner of a coffee shop and even a designer of word advertisements and 2d animation.

Saeyoung

,,You make pretty good money, huh?’’ he asked you as he looked around.

Your studio just looked so aesthetically pleasing in the middle of Seoul.

You shrugged your shoulders as you kept typing something.

Then you took your pen between your fingers and began to draw something.

You were a storyboard artist.

Saeyoung, your finacé, loved to watch you.

He sometimes even helped you when a program stopped working.

,,Look, which one do you like more?’’ you asked him as you turned your screen towards him to show him a park.

,,Mh, I don’t know. What’s the story? LIke, this one looks cute as if you’re in a fairy tale, but this one looks more realistic,’’ he answered, making you turn the display again.

You nodded and stood up, taking your jacket and facing your fiancé. ,,We are going to the park now,’’ you said and pulled him by the hand.

That’s what he loved about you.

He, too, was someone who would simply do his work, but you wanted to give your best, even at  that moment.

At the end of the day, you however, knew which one you would decide on and you were happy that Saeyoung opened your eyes.

Saeran

,,Mc! It’s so nice to see you here!’’ someone said and hugged you.

Saeran observed the person who was so happy to see you.

Both of you were in a foreign country and people still knew you?

You hugged the person who was apparently named Mira.

,,Saeran, this was my teacher, Mira,’’ you said and told Mira about your boyfriend.

She was so happy to see that you got a boyfriend.

,,Have fun here and go visit Josef! He will be happy to see you!’’ she said, meaning your other teacher.

You took Saeran and with him you walked through every department.

,,They try to motivate you to be creative, get started, start your own company, make your own shows, produce medical videos or animations, and they want you to learn things by doing,’’ you explained.

At some point, you arrived at a place that was lit by lights. Students had pencils in their hands and they began to draw something on their papers. This was something that amazed Saeran.

,,I thought it’s digital art,’’ he whispered.

You nodded. ,,They first try to make you get used to it. When you’re ready, you can move to the digital version,’’ you told him and observed the students.

It was a pretty good day and Saeran also enjoyed seeing you presentate something on a stage about your own work in South Korea.

He was proud of you.

Jihyun

Hand in hand, both of you walked into an institute to talk about digital art.

Jihyun also liked art a lot. However, he was a painter.

But your art was also something beautiful in his eyes.

He once tried it, but failed.

,,I remember back then, I also was unsure if digital art was real art, but after I saw it myself… I’m sorry I was like that back then… so don’t give up if people are the same here as in this art institute,’’ he told you.

You nodded.

Your goal was it to teach digital art in that institute and they first invited you to talk about it.

They first invited you in and then they were ready to listen to you.

,,Thank you for your words,’’ the older man said and nodded.

,,However, digital art is, itself, placed under the larger umbrella term new media art that doesn’t require any effort, Mrs. Kim. Digital art is not considered real art,’’ he said and closed his book with the notes.

,,Why did you invite my wife then?’’ Jihyun asked as you watched your dreams get crushed in front of your eyes.

No one dared to say anything. Were you just the laugh stock? Why did you even make the effort? You were ready to give up when Jihyun began to say something again. ,,I can understand you. At first we thought that digital art was easy. Why should we ask a teacher to teach us? I’m an artist myself and I thought like that too, but here too, just like the art with real pens and colors, you need to start with it gradually. I experienced it myself and I was surprised by how difficult it was. I beg you, try at least once to draw a forest in digital art,’’ Jihyun said, begging the person in front of him.

,,Very well, I have been an artist since my twenties and I am now sixty years old,’’ he laughed and took your tablet, ready to draw.

While he was drawing, you did the same on the second tablet and a bit later you all noticed the difference, making them all apologize to you.

,,I can’t thank you enough,’’ you sobbed as both of you walked out of the room, you overjoyed about the good news.

,,I told you not to give up on them. They were just like me,’’ he laughed and kissed your hand before you could both go and pick up Lucy at Jumin’s penthouse.

Vanderwood

When he first saw your room, not Rika’s, but your own home, he was kind of shocked to know that you were almost like Agent 707.

He quickly noticed that just like him, you loved your profession.

It was something that satisfied you immediately ever since you first learned how things worked.

Indeed, animation was attracting more and more people and you were one of them.

,,Back then, when we lived in Japan, we somehow won a sightseeing trip and I got to see the Ghibli studio. I think that that was the moment I fell in love with it,’’ you told him as he looked around.

,,And then? I mean, Japan is one of the best countries to study animation, right?’’ he asked you. Vanderwood was truly interested in it.

He wanted to know everything about you.

The brown haired man wanted to know what made your eyes shine so brightly and why you were so in love with your job.

,,Uhm, yeah. Spain is the best country to study animation, but I also expected it to be Japan. Back then and still today, living there was too expensive. My parents wanted to move back to Korea and so I went to Spain to study my dream,’’ you laughed.

,,I’m amazed. I expected you to go with your parents,’’ he laughed and observed you.

,,I was amazed by myself too, you know? It was a hard decision, but I never regretted what I did. I could fulfil my dream and it’s my life after all.

And knowing more languages is even better because there are so many more opportunities,’’ you laughed.

,,Please never lock the door in other languages like Agent 707,’’

You laughed at his comment. ,,I won’t… but maybe something animated?’’ you teased him.

MASTERLIST 1

MASTERLIST 2

MASTERLIST 3

17.04.2021// 00:18 MEST