#i thought it would be funny and instead i spent 15 minutes using every ounce of control i had to not deliver 500 words of scathing criticism

[ikebanaka]

Just read a fic where the whole hotel gang basically sat around eating popcorn and waiting to watch Alastor and Lucifer to kiss because they were magically trapped under mistletoe, and it made me wish 'bullying' was a widely accepted tag for 'ignoring your friend's discomfort and everything they say in order to make fun of them because you think their discomfort is funny'

Because then I could filter that shit out and not have to walk blindly into fics that trigger me.

And I do genuinely mean trigger; situations like this immediately make me incandescently angry without exception. The very idea that people think making fun of people for being uncomfortable with their boundaries being violated is funny is enough to make me start throwing shit when I'm alone, and remove myself from company immediately when I'm not.

If I were Alastor in this situation? With people that claim to like me watching me be forced to humiliate myself and acting like it's the funniest thing ever, waiting for new expressions of discomfort to make fun of? I would've started by telling Angel that every nasty thing he thought about himself was true, and ended by making sure everyone went to sleep that night feeling sick and hollow inside. I would've told them that for every minute they spent watching me stuck there I would personally remove a tooth from Husk's head with a rusty pair of pliers later that night, and if there weren't enough teeth I'd just start over once they grew back. I'd make sure everyone who thought it was funny never felt good about themselves for more than a minute inside the hotel without me cutting them back down to size.

Some people are okay with being treated like that I guess, I just wish that that didn't come at the expense of convincing people that it's not bullying. Because at no point in this fic was I convinced that it wasn't bullying and that Alastor didn't mind; he very explicitly did mind and was deeply uncomfortable.

Bullying is not actually inherently funny, so if your target isn't laughing too or otherwise playing along, then you're not being funny, you're being a piece of shit. And even if you are being funny... tag it anyways.

[iheartmalec]

Burning With Desire

Read it on ao3

Alec sighed as he glanced at the time, realizing that he would either have to leave the rest of his work until tomorrow or miss date night with Magnus. While the two frequently spent their evenings together, going on dates that occurred outside the loft’s walls were getting to be more of an uncommon feat. When they were both free, they did their best to make a plan and keep it, but more often than not something popped up in their busy schedules. Admittedly, Alec couldn’t quite remember the last time he and Magnus had gone on a date. Deciding to leave his work for future Alec to deal with, he grabbed his coat and made his way out of the Institute.

New York in October looked like a pumpkin had thrown up everywhere. Halloween decorations lined every store window, every hotel lobby covered in a strange array of orange and black. While Alec himself didn’t mind Halloween, regardless if the night meant more demon activity than usual, New York outdid itself.

The autumn air carried a chill that didn’t quite bite yet; instead, it felt like a promise for future freezing winds. Doing up his jacket, Alec made his way to the subway, intent on getting home and seeing Magnus. He could always ask his boyfriend to make him a portal, but sometimes he didn’t mind mundane transportation. Most people thought he was crazy for it, but it was Alec’s way of seeing New Yorkers up close and personal; taking the subway made Alec feel more like a part of the city.

When he finally arrived home- he wasn’t exactly sure when he has started calling the loft home, but he knew it if felt a million times more welcoming than the Institute ever had- Magnus was lounging on the couch. Toeing off his boots, Alec looked to his boyfriend and froze, because oh wow, Magnus had worn that. This particular outfit hugged and defined Magnus' body in the best way possible, making Alec’s hand itch to feel the lithe muscles beneath that he knew so well. Black jeans, a red and gold woven shirt, and of course makeup, jewelry and spiked hair to match perfectly. One look at Magnus' smirk, and it became very obvious he knew exactly what he was doing to Alec.

“Hello, Alexander. How was work?” Magnus asked coyly as Alec made his way across the room. Magnus stood for a kiss that lasted much too short in Alec’s opinion; he would have been very content to kiss Magnus forever.

“Good. It was, uh, good.” Alec managed as they pulled apart, his eyes raking over Magnus' body. If he kept this up, they might miss their date anyways. But again, Alec remembered how long it had been since they had had the time to go out, and instinctively he took a step backward. Putting some space between himself and Magnus, he forced himself to look into Magnus' eyes. “I’ll go get ready, then we can leave?” Alec asked, trying and failing to keep the dopey grin off his face.

“Sounds great, darling. I’ll just be here, waiting” Magnus sighed, throwing himself back onto the couch in a very seductive manner. Up until now, Alec wasn’t even aware that there was a seductive way to fall onto a couch. Every ounce of Alec’s self-restraint was used at that moment, and somehow he managed to walk away from his boyfriend.

Alec managed to get ready in record speed, choosing a relaxed long sleeve top and jeans he knew Magnus liked. Two can play this game, he thought to himself. He made his way back to the living room, not missing the look of lust Magnus threw him. Flashing Magnus the most innocent smile he could muster, Alec asked: “Are you ready?”

“Let's go, dear. It’s been too long since we went out.” Magnus said, tugging Alec out the door after handing him his jacket.

While Magnus could have portaled them straight to the restaurant, their reservation wasn’t for 15 minutes, and Alec was more than happy to hold Magnus' hand all the way there. He had a feeling Magnus felt the same from the way he interlaced their fingers together with a grip that suggested he wasn’t willing to let go any time soon.

The restaurant they were trying out was new and was relatively close to the loft. While Alec had heard Izzy had been saying they had been to every restaurant in New York, it was a bit of an overstatement simply because of how many new restaurants that were always opening. She wasn’t very far off however; he and Magnus had managed to get around to quite a few places, both in and outside of New York.

They arrived at the restaurant hand in hand, and 5 minutes early. Judging from the line up outside, the place was already popular, and Alec felt a sense of pride for being the one to suggest it. Alec let Magnus lead him through the doors and up to the hostess as he eyed the large waiting area full of more mundanes.

“Name for the reservation?”

“Bane,” Magnus said, squeezing Alec’s hand. “Easy there, Alexander,” Magnus whispered to him as the hostess led them to their table. Alec instantly relaxed, and only then did he realize that he had tensed. On autopilot, Alec had morphed into his Shadowhunter mode; he had been scanning the restaurant the way he would on a mission. The place was busy and full of unguarded mundanes, making it a demon’s wet dream.

“Sorry, it’s a habit.” Alec murmured back, smiling at Magnus as they sat.

“Let’s just enjoy ourselves tonight. The Head of the New York Institute and the High Warlock of Brooklyn’s issues can wait until tomorrow, tonight it’s just us. It’s been far too long since we’ve been out, darling. I’m afraid we might be getting boring!” Magnus said, grinning as Alec reached out to take his hand again.

“Magnus,” Alec said, waiting until his boyfriend was looking at him to continue. “There’s no world where being with you is boring.” Magnus blushed at the comment, bringing Alec’s hand to place a kiss there. It was little things like this that made Alec fall impossibly more in love with the man in front of him; just when he thought he had reached his limit, Magnus did something to prove himself wrong.

The rest of their meal was spent catching up; they were both so busy that date nights usually meant telling funny anecdotes that hadn’t had time to be discussed before. Before either of them knew it, they had eaten a delicious dinner and shared a mouth-watering chocolate lava cake for dessert. After the bill had been paid, they made their way back into New York’s chill evening.

“I really enjoyed dinner, Mags,” Alec said, pulling Magnus towards him. “I missed date night.”

“Me too, darling. You up for drinks?” Magnus asked, a faint smile ghosting his lips.

“With you? I’m up for anything.” Alec grinned, leaning down for a light kiss that promised much more later. When they drew away, Magnus had a familiar glint in his eye.

“I think it’s high time we figure out who the best pool player really is,” Magnus smirked, pulling Alec into an alleyway to conjure up a portal.

The portal brought them to the Hunters Moon, where they grabbed drinks and made their way to their regular pool table. The game started like it always did; lighthearted and purely for fun. However, not even halfway through did the air become charged with their competitive spirits, and soon the games were very serious.

“Nice shot, Alexander,” Magnus said, leaning to take his own. At the angle he was standing, Alec had a nice view of his ass, and those jeans really did nothing but accentuate Magnus’ behind. Magnus straightened up a moment later, winking at Alec showing him he had been caught. Grinning sheepishly, Alec leaned in for a quick kiss.

At least, it was supposed to be quick. He wasn’t sure how, but the kiss deepened, but suddenly it was full of lust and passion, making Alec’s head spin when they finally pulled away.

“Oh no you don’t, I won’t let you distract me from winning like that!” Magnus said, panting slightly as he licked his lips.

“You mean from losing? Because last time I checked, I was winning.” Alec said cheekily, bending to take his shot, purposely brushing Magnus as he did so.

“Hmm, we’ll see about that, pretty boy. Let’s see who breaks first, shall we?” Magnus said, smirking as he flagged a bartender down for a refill.

“Let’s. I have an infinite amount of self-restraint.” Alec flirted back, liking already where this was going.

“I agree, you do. But never when it comes to me.” Magnus said, winking to prove his point.

10 minutes later, Alec was surprised it was Magnus who finally broke, mostly because he wasn’t expecting to have lasted this long himself. Magnus had his fingers around Alec's wrist and was dragging him out of the Hunters Moon, magicking cash to Maia and sending her a wink on their way out.

Magnus didn’t stop moving until he had led them out of the bar, and down a side alley nearby. The second he let go of Alec, he was pushing him into the brick wall and kissing him wildly.

Gasping, Alec immediately responded, pulling Magnus impossibly closer and deepening the kiss. He let his fingers travel over Magnus; squeezing his toned biceps, running down his back, and digging his fingers into Magnus' sides. Opening Magnus' mouth with his tongue, Alec felt the kiss grow explosive, feeling a sense of want so strong it made him dizzy. Magnus ran his tongue along the inside of Alec’s mouth as he tangled his fingers in Alec’s hair and pulled, drawing a whimper out of Alec. He shifted his body so he was pressed more firmly against Magnus, Magnus letting out a groan which Alec eagerly swallowed up. The brick digging into Alec’s back bordered on painful, but he didn’t care, not when Magnus' body was caging him there. More, Alec needed more, pulling Magnus' shirt up and dragging his fingernails down his back, Alec distantly wondered if they would go all the way here. It wouldn’t be the first time.

In a flash, Magnus had flipped them so Alec was the one pressing Magnus into the wall of the alley. Magnus moved his mouth down to Alec’s neck, paying special attention to his deflect rune, something he knew drove Alec crazy. Alec felt his knees grow a little weaker as Magnus sucked a mark on Alec’s neck.

Alec almost had Magnus' shirt completely off by the time Magnus pulled away, breathing heavily. “Darling, while I would love to stay here, I think we should finish this back at the Loft. We’ve already had so many complaints from Hunter’s Moon customers about this exact scenario, it would be a shame if we were banned from here.” Magnus said, pulling his shirt down. Alec took a moment to appreciate the way Magnus' swollen lips moved, the way his pupils were blown wide out of desire.

“God, I love you,” Alec said, and while it didn’t address Magnus' earlier statement, Magnus smiled a wide, beautiful smile. Alec felt like he could drown in the desire pooling in his gut and never be happier. “Let's go home,” Alec said, grinning back at Magnus.

Conjuring up a portal, Magnus immediately pulled Alec’s body back against his, and they both went stumbling back, falling onto their couch where they couldn’t be disturbed.

[alitheamateur]

The Grind-Chapter 15

He escorted me through the tinted glass doors into the predicted booming music filled bar room, people packed from wall to wall, over to a tall tabletop nestled in the corner. Very gentlemanly, he pulled out the empty chair to offer my seat.

“Alright, Liv Elliott, can I get you a drink? What’s your poison?”

“Thanks, uh, I’ll just have a beer, please.” I answered, quivering with slight nerves. He maneuvered his way through the crowd headed in the direction of the bartender, while I waited fretfully alone with my thoughts. He seemed to be nice enough, and clearly easy on the eyes, so much so that my agonizingly neglected sex life was taxing me towards the direction of just sleeping with the man tonight for the hopeful intent of an orgasm.  But, he wasn’t my Colton. My emotionally confused, tormented, asshole Colton.

Snap out of it, woman. The guy dumped you. Very cruelly so. MOVE ON.

Drinks in tow, Luke two-stepped and squeezed through the crowd, making his way back to me.

“A beer for the lady,” he served with a wink. But it wasn’t the same wink that so long ago made me weak. It wasn’t like.. don’t say it, you pathetic fool. “You look stunning in the neon lights, you know?”

Dear God, please be joking with that line, man. He let loose a smothered laugh. Sweet relief. He wasn’t serious.

“Thanks, I think?” I accepted the cheesy, sarcastic compliment. “Tia mentioned you were a personal trainer. That must keep you pretty busy.”

“I do my fair share of push-ups, I guess, yeah. But I enjoy it, honestly. Especially when my clients see the results their looking for. It’ all worth it then, ya’ know?” Okay Luke, so you’re kind, and not a total airheaded muscle bag. Noted.

“Yeah, I’m sure the downtown housewives have a fit over you, huh?” I winked. “Ha ha ha, very funny. I’ll have you know I have several house dads on my clientele list as well, thank you.” He chimed matter of factly. “But, enough of me for now. I need to hear all about the glamourous, successful, posh life of the rising journalist, Liv Elliott.”

Wow. What load of shit had Tia been feeding this poor fellow? “Not much to know, sadly. I’m a bit of a workaholic these days. I was recently promoted at the newspaper I work for, which has definitely added to my work load.” I tapped my index finger on the dampened bar napkin beneath my sweating brown bottle. It did sound a bit tragic when I heard myself say it aloud. I was a soon to be 23 year old single woman, living in a bumbling metropolis, no children, no heavy responsibility other than a steady job which most of the time felt more like a paying hobby than an actual career, and I spent the vast majority of my life tucked away at my desk, or in my lonesome apartment with my nose tucked into my computer. Aside from the occurrences when Tia would suggest dinner, or the occasional appearance at a newly opened nightclub, which I was strangely enough beginning to enjoy a bit.

“Nothing wrong with dedication in my book! I admire that you take what you do seriously. And the fact that you’re a complete knockout just adds to the allure.” Luke said with eyes zeroed into my own.  Swallowing the last swig of my drink, a pang of guilt flinched in my belly. I was genuinely enjoying the banter of small talk the evening had consisted of thus far, but the feelings didn’t go much deeper than that. Not to say necessarily I wanted to be there with Colton instead, because every ounce of remaining conscience within me advised otherwise. I felt it wasn’t wise to be out without anyone yet, considering the state I was in. After returning from the short visit back to Indiana, sure my emotional state was frequenting more on the border of happiness, and almost contentment rather than the doom & gloom of before. But, I was far, far from ready to dive into the dating pool again. The proven dangerous, unruly, painful dating pool. My heart not quite nursed back to it’s original state, and ready to open up to the next Pittsburgh man. Regardless of how purely genuine and handsome that man may be. Luke didn’t deserve to be trampled on, and strung about by an unstable mess of a woman living in a never-ending state of confusion.

“Oh gosh, Luke. Thank you, really.” I tucked a curled strand of hair behind my reddening ear. “Can I be super honest with you right now? At the risk of sounding like a total heartless wench…”

His look narrowed behind stringy eyelashes, and he leaned in. “Uh, sure? Yeah. Shoot.”

Flashes of  what I imagined would’ve likely been a stable, routine, safe and steady relationship with the confused man across from me sparked through my thoughts. All the attributes any sane woman would hunt out in a partner, yet all the things to me that seemed, dull and tedious.

“You have been nothing short of a total charmer since our introduction tonight. And I-” I began before Luke interjected with a cautious smile, and knowing nod.

“Ohhhh, I think I know where this is headed.”

“Any woman, I mean literally any woman, including my clearly stupid self, would be lucky to be in your company. Which is why, I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror again if I carried this far enough to let you get hurt.” My saliva thick with nerves and what I hoped wasn’t regret as I let my date down as easily, and earnestly as I knew how. “You have no idea how bad I sincerely wish I could slap the ignorant decision I’m about to make right out of me… But, I’m just not ready, ya’ know? I’m kind of a pile of wreckage at the moment, and you don’t deserve to have to glue it all back together.”

He bobbed his head lazily and relaxed back into his chair. “As much as I don’t like it, I understand it. Tia kinda informed me that you were still reeling a little from your last relationship. But, since you were honest, can I be the same with you?” He asked politely.

“God, of course. Please!”

He pursed his mouth seriously before beginning. “The loser who did whatever he did to screw you over so badly, is a mindless asshole, who is apparently blind as well. I’ve spent all of a couple hours with you Liv, and even I can see what kind of woman you are. So, don’t sell yourself short, okay? Whether you give him another chance, or someone else who comes along, make sure he deserves you. And hell, by the way Tia talked you up, she might make her own play at you before it’s over.” I laughed at his response, especially his dig at my proud bi-sexual friend, who never hesitated to playfully suggest I take a walk with her on the other side of the sexuality fence.

As the conversation came to a close, Luke took my hand into his, and ushered me kindly to my car outside. I kissed him tenderly on the cheek before he reached down to open the handle of my door.

“If you think it’ll keep Tia off your back, I could always tell her our night ended at your place with hours of relentless love making, if you want.” I puckered my mouth in sincere contemplation of his suggested lie, but considered it be best for both our reputations if we kept it honest.

“As tempting as that little strategy of yours sounds, I think I better just suck it up and take the scolding from her. But thanks for lookin’ out for me.” A thoughtful smile slid onto his lips as he closed to door after I slid into the seat, before he jogged carefully across the crosswalk.

 Following my date with Luke the night before, Tia had texted begging to meet up for brunch at a place closely located between the center of our apartments. I groaned at the backlash I’d no doubt have to suffer at her hand after I spilled the details of how things had played out with her set up. She’d arrived at the restaurant before me, and was seated at an umbrella covered, mosaic table on the front patio, already sipping leisurely on a mimosa. When she saw me approaching, she raised her hands to a cheerful clap, obvious that she hadn’t spoken to Luke yet. Or maybe, talking to Luke was exactly why she was so unreserved with her merriment towards me. Had he decided to go ahead with his salacious fictional story about what had happened a few hours ago between us?

“I ordered you a drink. Now sit, and spill, LC!” She’d decided that would be her given name for me, given my middle name was Caroline.

“Hello to you, Miss Nosey. Whatever happened to not kissing and telling?” I was giving it my all to avoid crashing her excitement.

“Don’t you dare! I need to hear everything!” She gasped with an exasperated eye roll.

When the waitress came back to our table, delivering my fluted glass and jotting down our order, I was thankful for the 3 extra minutes I had that allowed to me to escape her insistent questioning.

“Alright, but when I start talking, you have to swear you won’t interrupt. Just let me say my piece, okay?” I arched a pinky at her in expecting hers to return in a swear.

“I already don’t like what I’m hearing, ma’am….” She sighed between sips.

“He’s like, beautiful. Like Tom Cruise in Top Gun kind of beautiful. And he was so damn polite, Tia.  The perfect gentleman. But, not in a stuffy way, ya’ know?”

“Yes, Liv. I do know. Which is exactly why I wanted you to go out with him to begin with. Go on…” She cocked an obvious displeased brow at me.

“And trust me 100% when I tell you that after I spent some time with him, I really, really tried, Tia. I wanted something to spark, I wanted to feel that little flutter in my belly around him,” I stressed in a contrite tone. “And I know if it had been any other normal, remotely rational female, that it would’ve happened that way…” Before I finished my plea, I downed the hefty remains of my mimosa hoping for an extra ounce of liquid courage. “I’m just n… not ready, I don’t think. I mean, I feel a million pounds lighter than I did 6 months ago, definitely. But, I don’t feel quite ready to move forward with dating anyone just yet.” I ended my thought, hoping there was a sliver of her that would understand where I was coming from. “Do you hate me?”

She huffed dramatically. “Oh fuck, Liv. Stop it! You  know I don’t hate you. Its your life, and I’d never encourage you to do something you don’t feel up to. And, just because I know you’re driving yourself crazy with it, I just want you to know its okay to still love him. Colton, I mean.” I halted any movement as her words registered to me. Breathing included. “I know you despise him for what he did, and rightfully so. The shithead deserves it. But, it’s okay to love him, too. Don’t beat yourself up over that. Love is this stupid, weird, jolting roller-coaster that makes no sense. And whoever you strap into that seat with, whether it be Luke, or Colton, or some rando you haven’t even met yet, it’ll be right. You’re smart, LC. Trust yourself. And if you happen to strap in with someone who turns out to be a vicious psychopath, then I’ll be in the seat right behind you to throw the dude over the side, alright?”

The girl was a God send. I was so unbelievably thankful for my dangerously loyal friend. Something that now made my life somewhat whole. Almost as whole as the veggie omelet I inhaled, after a side order of cheese grits, of course.

“You’re the best. Like, the best of the best, you know that?” I complemented.

She shrugged daftly, smearing cream cheese heavily over her blueberry bagel. “You don’t deserve me, Elliott. What are your plans today?”

I hadn’t thought much about an agenda for today past the brunch with Tia, but I’m sure it’d consist of something along the lines of a yoga session in the living room, maybe a little research for the next match I had to cover, and lastly spending way too much time pruning in a bubble bath.

“Nothing as of yet. Where are you headed? Work today?” I supposed.

“No, I actually have the day off so I’m gonna head over to the Temple for an extra workout.” Tia was referring to Temple Fitness, the gym close by where she was a member.

“Do you have anything coming up? Like, fights, I mean?” She was still striving to get her feet wet in the world of fighting, so competitors weren’t exactly banging her door down with opportunities.

“Not yet, damn it. But my trainer keeps me in shape at all times, just in case something comes along,” she informed me.

Then, a strange glimmer lit inside her blue irises. “As a matter of fact, why don’t you come down with me? When’s the last time you put a workout in, you delicate little pansy?”

As much as I didn’t appreciate her brutal sarcasm, she was actually right. Not to discredit the wonders of hot yoga, but I hadn’t actually had my heart rate elevated in, well, nearly a year. With Colt out of the picture, I’d lost my running partner. Who was also my bedroom partner, which had been my definite first choice in the cardio department.

“Hey, I resent that remark, thank you very much! No matter how accurate it may be. I’d just be in the way though, Tia. You’re training, and I’d just be, standing around.” I laughed off her suggestion.

“There’s plenty of equipment, you bimbo. Ellipticals, treadmills, a pool. Plenty of things to keep you busy, and get your saggy little tush in shape,” Tia winked. “Or, the fancy MMA columnist could maybe do a little training herself to see what a day in the life of her subject is really like.”

I was instantly intrigued at the bold proposal. I’d gotten to sit the sidelines on everything Colton underwent in the days leading up to his match, but nothing remotely close to suffering it firsthand. We’d learned in school that there was no better way to “know” than to “do.”  I would truly have the insiders point of view if I dabbled around with all that entailed in the life of a mixed martial artist, along with that added bonus of gaining what I very much lacked in muscle mass. Not to mention, the education of a bit of self-defense, which wasn’t a bad idea now that I no longer had my own personal body guard to escort me through the ruthless streets of the city. Damn, Tia and her endless ideas that sent my boxed zone of comfort crumbing around me.

“God, I can’t believe I’m agreeing to this. Is there anything you can’t talk me into? Like, it’s getting ridiculous. Stop forcing me to be all, spontaneous and what not.” I spat sarcastically at her.

“Well, I haven’t talked you into bed yet, my oh easily persuaded friend. I’ve spared you,” Tia gawked foolishly across the table. I can only imagine the pink cloud of mortification overcasting my gaping jaw.

What crazy plan had she wrangled me into? My hesitant agreeance already a hard to swallow regret. But, she couldn’t drag me into too much trouble with just a bit of exercise, right?

tags: @torialeysha @eap1935 

[singingpeople]

Paying the price

Chapter 15

@pathybo @jojuarez26 @tigpooh67 @beautifulramblingbrains @jaiboomer11 @lets-play-truth-or-dare @carefultheyspit @love17mwh

@iammarylastar @bookwarm85 @deepfrz 

Important: This chapter is wholly unedited, so it may be terrible spelling & sentence wording & all that stuff. But I´m writing from my brother´s PC because the ventilation system of my new one broke down today, making it sound as if he´ll explode anytime soon. I won´t have my brother´s PC very often because he needs it for writing his master thesis & when I have to send mine in (hopefully it´s a guarantee case) I have no idea when I will get it back. Still, I´ll try to make it work with the updates & all :) This chapter is really rough, but bare with me it will get better very soon, I promise! :) Thank you for reading & all the reviews, I´ll try to edit it tomorrow if my brother doesn’t need it! :)

Time is an abstract thing if you think about it. Sometimes it is as if no time at all passed while at other times, it just flies by you, blurring your memories until you don’t remember what day it is or what you did yesterday. For a minute you lose yourself, cease to exist while you feel like walking through honey, your limbs heavy while the world around you is spinning on and on. You are rooted to the spot while everything around you spirals out of control, being so stuck in your own universe that you´de indifferent to the happenings around you, only moments stand out, colorful specks in a world of full of grey.

Have you ever looked down at your own hand, moving your fingers, watching every single muscle contract while asking yourself if this is really your body if this is all you are. All you will ever be. Just a mass of skin and bones that is condemned to walk on this earth until you finally bite the dust.

Or do you ever feel like standing beside yourself, not being the person in control of your own body.  You watch them going through their daily chores like machines, your mind so far away from the empty shell that is considered being alive because it breathes, that only a flicker of pain can bring you back.

I ask myself if someone else ever felt the way I do now. If anyone in this damn city feels everything, every single emotion at once while feeling nothing at all. If their breathing becomes forced the moment they feel the panic rising in their chest until it overwhelms them, consuming them alive but still don´t show any signs of being nervous. If the people in their lives don´t notice it because those people have become so good at acting, always so collected, so calm as if nothing ever bothers them or if the humans that are supposed to support them just don´t care. Maybe they don´t realize they're the exact the opposite of calm and indifferent. They care, maybe too much and about everything. About how to overcome the struggle their facing, if they are worth loving or if they should stop trying at all because, in the end, their struggle will have been in vain. Like always.

Are there walking paradoxes like I am one, a person that is consumed by their fear while simultaneously feeling nothing at all, or am I just crazy?

All I know is, that I was lying in that bed for days, my hands at one point restricted, limiting my movements to the bare minimum, at another free again, giving me the chance to curl up, the fetus position acting as a shield against the world. There were people. Sitting on my bed, trying to talk to me or worse, touching me. I did my best to ignore them and their obnoxious babbling, but it followed me into my dreams, their voices echoing through the empty space that was my mind.

There were also needles piercing my skin, right after living through a very vivid memory that was playing in an endless loop, like a broken tape. Every time I felt myself coming out of what felt like cotton candy clouding my head and got more lively, something cool would touch the back of my hand and I was gone once again, drifting in and out of consciousness.

Funny, I always thought I knew what it felt like to stand beside myself, but in this state, it was so much worse. Every second seemed to last an eternity while hours flew by in a blink of the eye. I knew they had all been here, my mother, Tris, the twins and even Ivy and Avery. But despite Dante not once showing up, his voice telling me that everything would be okay followed me into these strange dreams, lightening the burden I carried with me for at least a little, just for a second making it easier to breathe.

I also knew, that dad always stayed outside the room, only getting a short briefing from the nurse before disappearing again. From one of these conversations that ended in a screaming fit of him, I concluded they had found traces of the fear serum in my bloodstream. Guess now I know where that vivid memory of hot burning iron marring my skin came from.

I came to the conclusion that they had planned this, Edgar had planned this. It was a simple concept, really. Something an erudite could think of. Their methods of calculated mental torturing had me thinking of the scruffy cat I found playing with a little bird when I was on my way home from school. She always gave it the chance to escape, drawing her claws back to created the illusion that the little sparrow was free to leave. The bird, scared as it was always hopped away, not realizing that his eagerness to get away and survive was exactly, what the cat wanted, what it craved. The prey running away from its predator was, what the cat considered fun, the chase what was so thrilling. To crush any hope it may have by capturing it over and over again until it got finally got boring. That was the moment the cat showed mercy and killed it with one bite, ending its agony. The final kill wasn't the satisfying part, it had been the chase, the diminishing of every ounce of hope it may have still had. That was, what got the cat off.

In the end, I would suffer the same fate like this bird. I just wished Edgar and his minions would get it over with and kill me before someone else dear to me would pay the price for being a part of my life. Like Dante almost had.

If he had died in that alleyway, right before my eyes, my life would have been over. Being the cause of one person's death was worse enough, but adding another life to that list would have effectively caused my own demise. My real breaking point, as if I wasn’t pathetic enough right now. It would have been easier than breaking a window in one of those countless crumbling skyscrapers in the heart of the city. Only one stone, for me one bullet to shatter the fragile resistance we still managed to muster.

Yeah, life is an abstract thing, not tangible for the human mind, while love, which is just hormones going crazy inside our heads creating hallucinations, isn’t something for everyone. It certainly isn’t for me. I either end up hurting the people dearest to me in the worst way possible or they die, maybe even both. It was simple as that. No, loving someone and being loved in return was never something that would be granted to me. And as long those around me were happy living their lives, I would go gladly through mine. Alone, until the bite of death would wipe my mortal existence from the face of the earth, until everything that remained was a faint echo of pain and the stardust I was created from restored to its original condition.

The week I spent in the infirmary was one big blur, partly through the meds I was given, partly by the daze that left my whole body numb and my mind fuzzy. In hindsight, everything seemed a little clearer, now that the sedatives didn´t turn my brain into useless mush, but I also knew what I had to do. I knew it from the moment the first gunshot rang through the air, almost killing the one person I wanted to stay out of the shitshow I call live. If being associated with me was a death sentence, I would reduce the number of people in my life to the bare minimum. And that meant only mom.

She had spent the whole time by my side head buried in countless files, only leaving when someone else would come to watch over me. Most of the time their voices faded into background noises while I stared at the white wallpaper, barely blinking. For days. Internalizing every swirl and bump into the wall, I tried to make it easier for them to leave. The moment they would realize I was already a dead man walking was be the moment, they would finally leave me be. Leave me to resign to my fate.

The last string in my heart was ripped apart when Tris thought it would be a good idea to bring Sam to my room. Something to cheer me up she said. Being convinced I couldn’t feel any longer, the sharp pain in my chest when I turned my back towards them, moving for the first time that day, was almost a pleasant sensation. Reminding me that I wasn’t dead yet.

Getting the hint, my aunt left again immediately, trying to explain Sam what was wrong with me when she asked, her voice as curious, as it was sad. Curled up under my blanket that mom specially brought from home I asked myself if she would remember me in the years to come. Maybe it would be better if she didn’t, you couldn't miss what you didn't know, right?   But still, I selfishly wished for it.

After six days that felt like six weeks, I was discharged and sent my way, with a bottle of pills I was supposed to take if I felt anxious or homicidal. Maybe if I sneaked some of them into dad´s food, just a pill or two he would let loose for a day. The thought of him running around in the compound like an amity on peace serum almost made me smile.  Almost.

The majority of the time home I spent in my old room, lying in my bed, staring at the wall. Instead of white, this one was a dark grey, almost black. The only burst of colors being the flames that symbolized everything I wasn’t. Our manifesto told us to fight our fears, no matter the cost of it. It certainly seemed as if I´d lost my sanity trying to do just that, my happiness long gone so it should count at least for something. Thinking of our manifest, I was sure that I would also always stand up for people, maybe even shout for them if I could. But I would never be free from my fears, from the demons that haunted me. They would always control my actions. How cowardly. And because my faction thought this cowardice was to blame for the world's injustice and that the bravery, I didn´t possess, is considered the most important virtue of them all, it is safe to say I have failed my faction before I was even a part of it. That sums my life up perfectly.

After three of four days of peaceful serenity, dad suddenly came storming into the room,  the door slamming against the door, declaring he had enough of it. His face contorted in anger, his eyes blazing fire like they always did before he ended the life of a poor soul. Not being able to help the small sliver of fear, I blinked, trying to scoop away from him, cowering away in the corner of my bed. But he wasn’t having any of it.

Grabbing my wrists, dad wasn´t faced at all by my resistance and dragged me to the bathroom, basically pulling me after him while I stemmed my feet into the floor with all my strength. But it just took him one powerful pull to make me stumble into him. Sensing his chance, dad threw me over his shoulder marching into the bathroom. When he turned on the water I knew exactly what he was planning and I tried my best to get him to put me down, hitting his back with my fists. And then he did.

Grabbing my waist, he heaved me from his shoulder before pushing me directly under the ice-cold water, not giving a damn that I was gasping for air, still dressed in leggings and a shirt or that I was basically freezing to death after only three seconds under the stream.

“You have ten minutes before I want you dressed, ready for training.” With that he was gone, the bathroom door of my en suite slamming shut behind him as I scrambled for the temperature regulator, turning the water scolding hot before peeling the heavy clothes off me.

Like dad demanded, I was done in under ten minutes but instead of waiting for him, I just stormed out of the apartment while he was busy doing something in his study. If he wants me gone, fine. I have no problem with leaving when I know I´m not wanted. But I won´t hang around him all day, listening to how a perfect dauntless would behave. Not today.

It was already evening, the whole day had passed in a blur while I sat hidden away in an alcove on one of the lower levels of the chasm. The way down there was reclusive, only known to a few and I was one of them. 

The sound of water crashing against rock always caused a strange sense of tranquility to wash over me, but with it came also the numbness, the little spark of anger and defiance from this morning gone as soon as it came.

How many days of training I had missed, including this one, I had no idea but I knew, dad would skin me alive as soon as he´d get his hands on me. So my hiding game had to be strong.

Lost in thought, I hadn’t realized how much my back and butt really hurt from sitting on cold, wet stone the whole day but standing up, I almost toppled over. In the last second before falling I managed to regain my balance, swaying on my wobbly feet. Not quite good so close to a hole filled with water that swallowed everyone and everything up, unless you were suicidal. And, I wasn’t yet at that point of my life.

After having scaled the steep pathway, I thought about where to go now. It must have been close to midnight, the white light being replaced by blue, solar powered ones. Going to the dorms, jut like going home wasn´t an option. But since sleep avoided me ever since leaving the infirmary and without the meds, I was content spending my night somewhere I could let my mind wander around, without having to worry about people seeing me.

Letting my feet carry me wherever they wanted, my mind was still reeling about everything and nothing at once. Stopping short, I found myself in front of the training room that whispered for me to step in. Opening the heavy steel doors I did just that. My feet dragging over the rubber floor I soon faced the door of the small chamber in the back. Slowly extending my hand, I pushed this one open too, the memories rushing into my head as soon as I smelled the familiar scent of leather mats, gunpowder and sweat overwhelming me to such an extent I had to support myself on the threshold.

Closing my eyes, I stumbled inside before sinking down on the mats, a few feet away from where Dante and I had first become one. Reliving all the passionate kisses and shared laughter while he sunk himself into me over and over again I found myself reminiscing the first happy memory since landing in the infirmary. The ache in my chest getting almost unbearable. Happiness to have been granted such a special moment in my life. Sadness because there wouldn´t be any more of them. No more stolen kisses or passionate nights, no more covert glances or breathless laughter.

Folding my hands, I pressed them against my chest, drawing in a shaky breath because right in that moment, I could almost see him looking down at me with these warm brown eyes. I could feel his hands traveling across my bare skin, igniting every nerve ending in my body. His smell had been manly, the scent of his sweat not overpowering despite him training the whole day. I could even fucking taste him, his lips moving against mine and I knew he must have been chewing a gum before we kissed, his breath all minty. All these sensations after weeks of numbness were just too much for me. Pressing my palms against my eyes, I rocked back and forth trying to get my composure back. But it was futile.

Slapping my hand against my forehead, I tried harder, almost desperately when suddenly the door to the little chamber was thrown open and he wasn’t any longer a figment of my imagination.

Letting himself fall to his knees beside me, Dante pulled my head up, his hands on either side of my cheeks. His gaze frantically flitting over my face, he let out a relieved breath the moment he realized I was fine, before pulling me into his chest. He laid his chin on my hair and I could feel him taking a deep breath, his arms pulling me even closer to him. “Thank fuck, Lexi! We have been searching for you the whole goddamn day. Your family is going nuts, especially your father.” Letting out an incredulous chuckle, I felt him press his face into my hair, exhaling deeply. “Fuck. I thought something happened to you. Don´t ever do this to me again!”

Having almost forgotten what I had promised myself, I melted into him for a second reveling in the tranquility his touch brought. But then I froze up, not believing I had thrown all my cautions into the wind like this. Like I wouldn’t be the cause of his doom. Instantly feeling something was wrong, Dante drew back a little, looking down at me with worried eyes that tore my soul apart. Not having it in me to withstand him even a second longer, I did was I was best in. I ran.

Pushing him away with all the force I could muster, I was out the door before he could even get up again. But as I sprinted towards the doors leading out of the training room as fast as I could, I realized the lack of sleep and most importantly food had drained my powers. How much exactly, I had to find out when Dante suddenly grabbed by my wrists only inches away from the door and whirled me around, slamming us against the wall beside it.

“Forget it. Not again.” Dante was hovering over me, his muscular body caging me against the wall like he had done so many times before, his breathing ragged. And for the first time, he looked almost angry, his eyes hard and I shrank back, the fury boiling under the surface such a foreign sensation coming from him. “Do you really think I would just let you run away again? Just look where it took us last time!”

Lowering my head in shame, I stared at our chests that were pressed against each other, both heaving heavily. Yes, it had been my fault. My fault he was shot, my fault for freaking out. My fault for making everything worse by mindlessly running after a bunch of guys, I knew wanted nothing more than to kill me.

“Hey.” Dante grabbed my chin, but I tried to push him away, not being able to deal with his proximity. To deal with him and everything he stood for. When my movements turned into real struggling, almost desperately trying to get away from him, Dante captured my hands, pressing them against the wall by my side, rendering me completely immobile. “Lexi, stop it.” When I didn’t, he grabbed both of my wrists in one hand, raising my head with his other. But I lowered my eyes, avoiding his questioning gaze. “Look, I´m sorry for not visiting you in the infirmary but your mother was always there, your brother had me handling the other dauntless-born 24/7 and when I finally had an hour off, I had to deal with the consequences of the patrol debacle. I really tried, though...”

Trailing off, Dante tilted his head, his lips barely brushing over my cheek. Despite wanting to revel in the feeling of his stubbly face against mine and melt into his embrace to forget everything around us once more, I turned my head. Away from his touch, from everything I ever craved. Freezing up, it took Dante a moment before he drew back and from the corner of my eye, I could see him muster me intently. But I stared straight ahead, matching the hurt that crossed his face with an indifferent expression, even though it send sharp jabs into my guts. “Lexi, what´s wrong?” No answer.

“Tell me, please...” After another minute without any reaction from me, Dante positioned his face right in front of mine, causing me to turn away again. He huffed incredulously and I heard it, despite it being so quiet. Not wanting to see the range of emotion my indifferent behavior caused, I closed my eyes willing him to just leave it be and leave me. But he didn’t. Slamming me against the wall once more, frustrated but still careful I wouldn’t get hurt, I cursed the loud, surprised breath that left my lips, not ever wanting him to think I was afraid of him. But I still felt him increasing the space between us so that our chests weren´t touching.

“I see that you obviously want nothing to do with me right now,  Lexi. And I understand it, I totally do. After all, it was my fault you were there, right? That you ended up in the infirmary.”

Biting my lips in despair, I shook my head. He didn’t understand it, none of it. Especially not, that it was for his own good. Me wanting to end whatever we have had nothing to do with him taking me there. the incident just showed me what I had to do. For him.

“Alright, just tell me one thing.” Letting out a breath, I despised the resigned tone in his voice. It was the way everyone spoke to me before giving up for good. “Did you ever have any feelings for me? No matter how little they were, was there something?”

Snapping my head up, my wide eyes met his hooded ones for the first time this evening. Dante´s face was guarded, his brow furrowed but his eyes gave away the vulnerability he felt.

Heart rate speeding up, my breathing quickening I felt my chest constricting, my throat closing in. I would have never assumed Dante would ask such a question in a moment like this. And right now, it was freaking me the hell out. But it was also the opportunity I had waited for, hoped for. To cut him off, to end what could have been the beginning of a perfect relationship. The start of a fairytale where the prince saves his princess and shields her from every harm that may come her way while looking ridiculously good doing it.

But I had never been a princess and in the end, he would just die in the process of trying to save me. If from myself or Edgar, I had no idea... Dante was so much more than a tragic love story gone wrong. He was an amazing human being and had the potential to be great, to achieve something. To become a high ranking member, having a loving wife and maybe even children. The image of a brown haired little boy with Dante´s eyes running around in the compound took my breath away, my heart fracturing as I pictured him kissing some dauntless female on his way to work, while I spent the rest of my life alone. He´d have the perfect family. And I wouldn’t be part of it.

So despite my heart screaming at me to not do it and the knowledge that this would be the one moment in my life, I would never forgive myself for, I shook my head no. Telling him that I didn’t have any feelings for him. Never had and never will.

“Alright.” Nodding his head, before shaking it, Dante stepped back, letting go of my hands while huffing. Immediately the cold started to settle into my whole being, only the spots where his skin had touched mine still burning like fire. The disappointment and hurt in his eyes were so all-consuming that I had to look away, threatened to be swallowed whole.

He took more steps back, seemingly wanting to get space between as while he ran his hands through his hair, jaw gritted. Every inch of space between us enlarged the hole in my chest and I balled my hands into fists, preventing myself from running forward and cling to him. When Dante finally spoke,  chuckling humorlessly as if he couldn’t believe I was such a bitch, his voice was croaky, sounding more than just pained. “Goodbye, Lexi.”

Without one last look, he was gone and I collapsed on the floor. Slinging my arms around myself, I hugged my knees to my chest rocking back and forth, gasping for breath as the hole in my chest seemed to double in size. He was gone, most likely for good, just like I wanted him. My plan had worked out perfectly. But for what price?

Why does doing the right thing hurt so fucking bad?

Sometimes you have to burn the bridges to prevent yourself from making the same mistake twice. And that what I was doing now.

Yesterday, the first day I had gone back to training and two days after Dante and I´s conversation, I almost lost my shit in front of the whole training room. Lyssa approached him, a sly smile on her lips claiming she needed extra training to keep up with the class. Dante hadn’t spared me one glance the whole day, not even uttering one word to me. Despite knowing it would be like this, it still hurt, especially when he told her it wasn’t a problem and smiled at her. A real, genuine smile. I tried to keep my face expressionless but it´s needless to say that my knuckles were almost black after training ended, the jealousy burning a hole through my whole body.

So here I was now, in the bar I first spotted him, trying to prevent myself from doing something utterly stupid by doing something equally stupid. Maybe it was even worse, at least for me. My mind was still reeling from everything that had happened the last few weeks, meeting someone, choosing dauntless, beginning a forbidden affair and ending it in less than a month. If someone ever said to me developing feelings for another person could happen so fast, I would have laughed outright into his face. But now I knew better and considering my stupid plan, I asked myself countless times if I was going nuts by really doing this.

I despised doing this, but I didn’t to pay Dante back, no not at all. But if he started to hate me it would be so much easier for the both of us. Not to mention that it would save him in the end. Because by not associating with me, the target on his back would be gone. And when they would finally get me, it would be so much easier on everyone surrounding me if they were able to tell themselves just how fucked up I really was and that they´re better off without me. Only the truth...

Ordering a shot from Sal who gave me a warm smile, I downed it, disgusted with the strong liquor and myself. But it certainly would take the edge off long enough.

I knew he was there, watching me. After all, I could feel his gaze on my back, causing shivers to erupt all over my body, especially when it started to trace the exposed skin on my neck, my whole body heating up under his scrutiny. Waiting on the barstool, I ordered myself another drink, so close to throwing it up when I suddenly, finally felt a pair of lips caressing my bare skin while two broad arms slung themselves around my waist. “Miss me?”

Turning around, I plastered a fake smile on my lips as I came face to face with a smug looking Freddy. He only pulled me closer to him, burying his face in my neck. Grimacing, I had to suppress the violent urge to push him away, only being able to control my face when I looked up to see two burning eyes watching me intently, condemning me into the depths of hell. Dante was standing on a higher floor of the bar, jaw clenched as he squeezed the neck of his beer bottle to death, while Freddy was peppering light kisses onto my skin. Hurriedly adverting my eyes, I forced my lips into what I hoped was a genuine smile, before I pushed Freddy back to give him a real kiss. He started to moan when his lips met mine, his hands immediately wandering to the small of my back while I was so repulsed by myself I had to keep the bile down, that was rising in my throat. Luckily, Freddy being the simple-minded guy he was, drew back fairly quick, his smile sickly smug while he pulled me from the chair and out of the club.

I knew that Dante had seen every second of this act and that I had succeeded in my mission. From now on, he would despite me with his whole being and I couldn't even be mad about it. When Freddy pulled me closer, slinging his arm around my waist I knew there was no going back to before this all happened. That small glimpse of joy I had been granted being the only happiness I would ever experience. And now knowing what it was like, letting go of it was even harder than it had been before. But I had made my choice.

The last bridge had been burned down.