#i thought it happened overnight during rhe pandemic and dating the trust fund millionaire but its always been there

[cascadianights]

Being around decent men, and my partner becoming a man, and reckoning with my own gender euphoria with masculine things has really been a reawakening

I spent a long time in the I hate men camp, and for sure a lot of that came from trauma with the men I considered friends and from my father and from the countless times of sexual harassment that began in my early teens

But I'm recognizing too that a not insignificant amount of it was from my best friend of over a decade, a lesbian & also a Berkeley blue eyed blond WASP who:

-When I started trying to reckon with Gender Feelings told me "are you sure you're not just coopting the Trans movement bc its cool right now or you want to feel like a victim" & I didn't touch my Gender for another 5 YEARS

-Consistently during my first relationship w a guy made fun of girls who wanted to ride a dick or suck one off or otherwise enjoy sex with a penis, and I just laughed and went along with it and pretended I felt that way too

-Disliked bi women bc they didn't date her after she never told them how she felt about them in any way and pined in secret while resenting them and their partner

-Last time I saw her said "oh good you didn't play the Trans Card" after a cop confronted us & told me "you can't just break the rules AND be upset when you catch shit for it" bc I was harassed TWICE AFTER THAT by the cop about having my service dog on a public beach, and I had a panic attack because it was the summer I was also marching in BLM protests and having cops treat us like fucking fish in a barrel waiting to be stabbed

-When confronted that she and her girlfriend (a millionaire) shouldn't travel from Oakland to LA for Thanksgiving and then from Oakland to Tampa (where my family was working service industry jobs & hers own their own firms) for Christmas IN THE YEAR OF HELL 2020 told me it wasn't a big deal, the vaccines were a joke, and then blocked me until the holidays were over because I was being "ridiculous and insane" to suggest she just go ANY OTHER TIME

-"What are you even worried about w Trump he's not a threat"