#i think this shows a lot that the one conversation i remember most vividly with my parents was when i was 12

[elliespeach]

the air that i breathe | ellie williams

˗ˏˋ "because i can make it quick, or i could make it so much worse." ´ˎ˗

synopsis: a camping trip you and ellie embark on takes a devastating turn. with you in the hands of raiders ellie's sanity is brought to her breaking point and she will stop at nohting to get you back. wordcount: 8.3k + warnings: 18+ ellie n readers headspace is very dark!! depression, panic attacks, horrible desperation, and lots of trauma responses that are vividly described. graphic depictions of violence, kidnapping, reader is confined in a cell by chains, food/water deprivation, hallucinations, torture (reader by raiders, ellie to the raiders) ellie is basically santa barabra ellie but multiply it by thirty n reader is like trapped in the dark so i think that counts as claustrophobia. this fic can b very triggering so pls take the tags seriously!! different povs (ellie n reader) they are seperated for most of this fic, theres some fluff in their dreams but thats truly as soft as it gets author note: pls pls read me!! this story came to me randomly, its not a traditional fic in my eyes but i hope u guys like it nonetheless!! the name comes from the show bridgerton, one of violets lines towards her husband and i was like THAT is true love so here we are :) theres a lot of in game elements to this story on ellie's part so i hope i did that justice :)) i'm a lil nervous to post this im ngl so pls be kind and lmk if yall like it plsssss i beg of u i wanna make this a multi part fic esp w the way it ends so any feedback will be appreciated!! ily guys enjoy

ellie’s pov 

– three days after the kidnapping

the first thing ellie hears is the low, familiar voices of joel and tommy. as their mumbled conversation rings through her ears, her head throbs. a groan escapes her lips, bringing her hand up weakly to rub it as if it would help. ellie opened her eyes slowly, the pain intensifying from the sun shining through the windows. her vision came to focus, looking around it was the infirmary in jackson. she was laid down in one of the beds and when her eyes landed on joel and tommy, they looked at her sympathetically. 

joel took small steps toward her, barely able to make eye contact. “how ya feelin’ kiddo?” he asked, painfully sitting himself down at the end of her bed. ellie wasn’t able to read him clearly, and then she started thinking. why am i in this bed? her mind raced and it must’ve been obvious to her company because joel spoke again. “it’s gonna be okay.” 

she frantically searched through her foggy mind, everything was so blurry and out of order. she thought of you. the only thing that came to the front of her mind with ease. the camping trip, she thought to herself. she saw you in her head, all bundled up in the sleeping bag and wearing ellie’s shirt. her lips began to curl at the ends before she realized you weren’t here by her bedside. she remembers leaving the tent that night, for what reason she doesn’t know, but you stayed behind, cuddled up in the sleeping bag.

thats when– your scream. it echoed in her head, taunting her. the quiet forest that surrounded the two of you amplified your terrified scream and ellie’s face grimaced at the memory. she knows she ran to you, why was i so far away from you? her brain was waking up and with it, horrible images flashed in front of her. the tent that had been cut open, the rusty old pick-up truck, the men that had you in their grasp, the last glance ellie had of you before the bud of a gun was slammed into her head. it all came flooding back in an instant. 

ellie looked up at joel, tears brimming over her eyes. she spoke in a low voice, but despite the tears that fought to fall, her tone was flat. “where is she?” 

joel was quick to answer, “we’ve been tracking them–” 

“how long have i been out?” she boomed, trying to sit up but her brain pounded against her skull, forcing her back down in the bed. joel moved up, sitting closer to her but couldn’t find the words, his heart ached for ellie. he looked to tommy with a solemn expression, and his little brother stepped forward. 

“it’s been three days, ellie,” tommy vocalized softly. “we’re doin’ all we can, i promise.” 

“obviously it’s not fucking enough!” ellie shouted, pinching the bridge of her nose and shutting her eyes tight. you came to mind when she did, usually she pictures you happily; picking a flower and tucking in her hair, taking a nap on ellie’s couch with your head in her lap, posing while she drew you. you were the spitting image of innocence in her mind. but as her eyes shut now, all she could see was the absolutely heart-wrenching image of your face as you were thrown into the truck. 

her eyes opened almost immediately, unable to see it even for a second longer. her cheeks became wet as the tears poured out of her, her breathing became erratic and she clutched her chest. joel was quick to comfort her but it only did so little. “we-we have to fi-find her,” ellie managed to speak through panicked breaths, feeling her chest about to burst. 

the pain in her head was nothing compared to this, and it almost felt non-existent in the face of you being gone. being with them. whoever they are, whatever they want with you. they should have taken me. it should have been me. it should have been me. it should hav–

“ellie, breath–” joel cooed next to her, rubbing her back and removing her from her thoughts. “we’ll find her.” 

“i’m co-coming with you,” her chest was still heaving and she felt like she’d never breathe right again. not until you were standing next to her. 

tommy sighed, barely audible over ellie’s apparent panic-attack. “you’re on bed rest, kid. i’m sorry. but we will bring her back to you.” 

his words felt like daggers and she was quick to respond. “if you think for one sec–” 

“it’s not up for discussion, ellie.” joel interjected, his voice was soft but stern. and ellie scoffed through the tears, looking at joel harshly. 

before ellie could spew a rant to him, tommy spoke, “we think they’re on the border of utah. were going tomorrow at first light and when we come back she will too. okay?” 

ellie’s thoughts were a jumbled mess, and as her breathing became somewhat normal she was able to think. play it cool. “o-okay,” let them think i won’t go anywhere. “my head r-really hurts. gonna sleep for now,” she mumbled, pulling the blanket up and over her head. she laid with her back turned to them and she felt the bed move beside her. joel and tommy mumbled another string of words to each other before ellie heard the door creek open. 

“rest up, kiddo. she’s gonna be okay.” joel said to her sympathetically and ellie remained quiet under her covers, plotting her escape. 

she slept for another few hours. she knew she had to wait until night time anyway, there was no use in staying awake and plaguing her thoughts with what is happening to you. but as she slept her mind played horrible tricks on her, she dreamt of saving you that night. brutally slaying the men who had dared to even think about touching you, their blood stained her dreams but at the end of it you were in her arms. 

when she woke up alone, her reality came crashing back down. it forced her to sit up, ignoring her head that was killing her slowly. there was no night time infirmary nurse and she knew now was her only opportunity to sneak away. the clock on the pale blue walls read one in the morning, jackson was asleep. the only people she would need to avoid were night patrols, and the guards around the armory. 

she hauled herself out of bed, her feet dragging on the cold floor and she located her bag. her clothes from the camping trip were tucked inside and she quickly changed. ellie tried to picture the men’s faces, and all that came to her were figures whisking you away. she decided it was best to not think about it, but it was a lot easier said than done and she found herself shaking her head frequently to rid the images from her mind. 

slipping out of the infirmary was easy, a small house on the corner of a dead end street. the streetlamps had been turned off by now, saving power and ellie easily made her way towards the armory. she approached in a crouch, hiding behind a bush in the shadows. she watched as the guards were laughing, telling stories and all around not paying attention. the armory was a larger building near the stables, the guards were circled around a makeshift booth at the front.

sneaking to the side of the building she tugged open a window and crawled inside. she loaded herself with her usual rifle that she took on patrols. taking it down from the wall she stared at it for too long, remembering the day she taught you how to shoot.

“all you have to do is point, aim and–” 

“if you say point, aim and fire one more time.” you laughed at her, your attention shifting between the gun and ellie. 

“i’m just trying to help you, pumpkin.” 

instead of making her feel soft and warm, the memory made her go cold. she couldn’t place you, your face was a cloudy mess in her mind but your voice rang true. her eyes glossed over, hearing your laugh in her head and all she could think of what she would do to these people once she found them. in a haze she stuffed supplies in her bag, a surplus of ammo for her rifle and pistol and then some. she removed her switchblade from her bag and put it in her back pocket for easy access, throwing a trench knife into the backpack just in case. 

she was almost back of out the window she came in when she realized the trip was going to be long, and she had no food in her bag whatsoever. sighing, she looked around. the left over food from the guards littered the small counter to the side of the room. sandwiches and nuts and ellie figured it would have to do and before long she was sneaking to her usual spot in the fence. 

the walk to it was familiar, she had done it with you a thousand times. it was a loose panel of wood that to the unknowing eye would be a secured fence, but with a gentle tug, it gave way. ellie and you had discovered it one day, and it quickly became your get-a-way whenever one of you wanted to escape the confines of the walls. there was a small over-look just beyond the wall, about a ten minute walk from jackson. ellie had drawn you there with the landscape behind you, the picture is hanging on the wall in her garage and she cherishes it like it was gold. 

she pictured you there, trying to remember how peaceful you were to her. like the calm in the storm that was her life. all she could conjure was that night so she dropped it and viciously bit her cheeks with frustration. ellie came to the broken piece of wood, taking a quick look around before pushing it and then herself through the gap. the forest beyond was still and quiet. peaceful almost. putting the board back in place, she turned and headed for the highway. 

readers pov

– day of the kidnapping

the last you saw ellie she was falling to the ground as she came up to your campsite. the man who had been hiding behind the tree knocked her out with a swift blow to the head. you cried out, thrashing in the hands of the man who had lifted you from the ground. “fucking let go of me!” you shouted as your world tumbled around you, you fell into the bed of the truck with a hard smack, pain shot up your spine and you groaned, rolling over. 

the man jumped up onto the back of the truck, making it wobble with his weight. you crawled backwards instinctively, your eyes darting from him and your motionless girlfriend on the ground yards away. your stomach turned as he pulled his fist back and there was nothing you could do before he brought it down heavily onto your skull and everything went black. 

while unconscious, your mind brought you back to ellie’s room. her stereo playing softly as you sat on her bed, watching her read the same book she always did. her eyes scanned the pages as if she had never seen it before. she was laying on her stomach, legs dangling over the side of the bed as she flipped the pages. it was a book about the constellations in the sky and every so often she would show you a page and say it reminded her of you. “this one–” she showed you, a cheeky smile on her face as she turned the book towards you. 

“that just looks like lines, els.” you chuckled at her while you examined the page. you never understood her when she spoke about space, but you liked to hear her ramble. her voice was so comforting to you and it always brought you back down to earth. 

“no, no, pumpkin, look–” she pointed with her fingers on the page, outlining the stars. “its cassiopeia on her throne. d’ya see it?” her soft green eyes met yours, a hopeful look in them. 

you didn’t see it, you just saw lines on a page but ellie’s enthusiasm poured through her and who were you to deny her of it. “yeah, i see it,” you lied, getting closer to get a better look hoping it will just come to you. “why do you say that?” 

“dunno,” she shrugged, looking back to the page. “but it says here she was a queen, so i think that’s why.” 

her words always left you feeling like the most special person, and to ellie you were. you playfully hit her with a pillow, causing a mildly loud “ow!” from her. 

“you’re so fucking cheesy,” you smiled, hitting her again with the pillow. as you brought it down on her she grabbed it. ellie moved quickly and sat on her knees as she struggled to take the pillow from you. she looked down at you, back against the bed and giggling so sweetly. she was able to snatch the pillow, throwing it to the side and leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead. 

“you love it, shut up.” her words bounced off your face and she pulled her face down to be directly in front of yours. her eyes stared into yours and you could see just how much she loved you on full display within her green eyes. she leaned in to kiss you and as her lips brushed against yours, the world around you melted away. 

you felt cold and you could swear your eyes were open but you couldn’t see anything. you felt around, the ground beneath you was solid and ragged and as you moved you heard the clanking of chains. moving your hands down your legs you sensed the frigid metal that encased your ankle, following the chain with your hands to a bolt in the wall. 

the walls had the same texture as the floor and you began to panic. you recounted the last memory you had, ellie laying on the ground. the man punching you in the face. reaching up to touch your sensitive skin, a sharp pain came from your cheek and you gasped. incoherent curses came stringing out of your mouth that quickly turned to yelling. you shouted for ellie, her name bounced off of the walls around you and with every call unanswered the hope inside you diminished. the darkness was over-bearing and you were forced to picture every horrible thing these people could do to you simply just because they could. your voice, that was still begging for ellie, became hoarse. a lump settled in your throat from wailing and you felt sick to your stomach.

you knew none of this was helpful. the screaming, the wailing, but you couldn’t help it. the emotions poured out of you until there was nothing left, ellie could be dead and you were locked up god knows where. you hadn’t even begun to think of why they had taken you, your head was too jambled to think straight. and after what seemed like hours in the black void of your cell, a dim light flickered on and came peeking beneath a door you didn’t even know was there. it illuminated the room just enough to see that cement encased you behind the metal door. 

with a click of a lock the door opened and the sudden light hitting your eyes made you jump, shielding your face with your hands. you heard footsteps approach you slowly but stop a few feet away. a cold hand came up to your forearm and you swung, trying to keep whoever this was away from you at all costs. but their cold hands grasped your arms, forcing you to look upon them. the dim overhead light in the next room outlined the man in front of you, you couldn’t make out a face but he was brutish, and he smelled like a campfire. 

“don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” the man growled, the taunting in his voice was sinister.  

you used all the energy you could to spit in his face and he recoiled, letting go of your arms to wipe his face and he took a step back. “fuck you!” you snarled, spit leaving your mouth with the anger that boiled inside of you. 

he chuckled as he wiped the remaining spit from his face, “we could have killed you, ya know?” the man muttered, taking small strides towards the metal door. his hand reached for the wall, turning on an overhead light in your cell. looking around, it seemed to be a basement. you could see stairs past the door to the cement room and as you peered through the door, the man repositioned himself in front of your face. 

you didn’t say anything and his head cocked to the side as he knelt in front of you. “but we didn’t, do you know why?” his tone was antagonizing and as your eyes adjusted you could make out his face, a large scar was centered by his nose as if he had been cut. you shook your head at his question, not wanting to speak. also because your throat stung from the previous screaming. 

“well,” he looked to the side, using his hands on his knees to hoist himself back up to his feet and he towered over you. “i would have told you but–” he motioned to his face, still glistening from your spit. “maybe tomorrow.” his words were fast, he turned on his heel and headed for the door. 

in a panic you lurched forward, arm out and you tried to stop him. your ankle tugging on the chain as you reached for him.“wait, please don’t!” came rushing out of your mouth but it was too late. the light was switched off and as the door shut behind him, you were enveloped in the darkness yet again. 

— four days after the kidnapping

the black void of your cell had become never ending. after the man with the scar left, the only time anyone would open the door was to give you as little food as possible. keeping you weak and unable to fight back, but alive just enough to do whatever they had planned. if you had been told you were here for a week you would have believed it, time moves weird in the dark and you never knew what time of the day it was, if they were swerving you breakfast or dinner– you had no idea. 

at first you tried to stand, to pace around and get your body moving. after a while it became too repetitive and you fell to your knees, tired and disoriented. you hadn’t moved an inch since, just laying curled up on the floor with your back to the door. the only thing that kept you occupied besides sleeping was reliving memories, playing them over and over again in your head. they were all of ellie, her freckled face and auburn hair and that stupid constellations book. 

she was your every waking thought and even slipped her way into your dreams. ellie was the only thing keeping you from going completely insane in the darkness. you could picture her so clearly, but when you thought about her voice it never sounded right. you were only able to hear it in your dreams, but when you woke it slipped away like water in your hands. traceable, but not recognisable. you made it your mission to remember, a small controllable goal in a situation so far out of your hands and it provided a sense of comfort. as much as it could. 

you were tracing her name over the cold ground beneath you, whispering it softly as if it was a crime when you drifted off once again. it had become routine and a sure fire way to make sure she was in your dreams, her voice and all. this time your dreams planted you in the memory of watching her favorite movie together, curled up on the couch with your head in her lap and her hands playing in your hair. 

“don’t get attached to her,” ellie said casually above you, pointing to the small tv. you groaned, looking up at her and her innocent eyes met yours. 

“you spoil every movie, els.” you say with a fake annoyance in your voice, playfully swatting at the hand pointing to the tv. 

“i didn’t say what happens to her!” her hands go up defensively, looking down at you in her lap. her face had been speckled with sun freckles from the previous day, leaving it absolutely covered from her chin to her forehead. even her eyebrow slit had a few small dots in it, and you found it hard to be annoyed with her. 

turning your attention back to the movie with an unsure mhm, your eyes left hers and for a moment there was silence. and ellie couldn’t help herself, she mumbled, “exceptshetotallygetschoppedinhalf.” 

you sprung up, your head leaving her lap, positioning yourself next to her on your knees. swiftly you propelled her down and straddled her torso. dramatic gasps left her mouth and she placed her hands on your hips, looking you up and down. “you’re gonna pay for that, you know,” you said to her, cupping her face with one hand. 

“i’m soooo scared, pumpkin” she teased, and as the words left her mouth it was like someone had pressed the mute button. her lips moved, and she was definitely talking but her voice was gone, like it had blown away in the wind. the nickname you cherished so deeply from her inaudible and as you realized this your eyes snapped open. the darkness was back, and ellie was gone, along with her voice. 

you tried to cling on to it, but the harder you tried to remember it, the further it went in your mind. if you weren’t so dehydrated, you’d be crying and thrashing around, desperately hoping for her voice to come back to you. but instead being too weak to do anything, you pulled your legs up to your chest and laid in the silence. you didn’t know how long you had been asleep, not that it mattered anyway, but your stomach was feeling emptier than ever before so it must have been a while. 

remnants of your dream flashed in your mind and your hand placed itself on your face as ellie had always done, imagining it was her. imagining her coming to save you, her holding you. every thought that consumed you was her. she can’t be dead. you repeat to yourself like your own little mantra. she isn’t dead.

time shifted again and you heard footsteps coming down the stairs beyond the door. the metal door clicked and opened as it always did, but instead of food being thrown at you in the dark, the lightswitch flicked on. your eyes nearly burst from the pain after being in the dark for so long and you covered them with your hands. “ready to talk like a civilized person?” the raspy voice spoke and you removed your hands from your face, squinting your eyes until they adjusted. 

you nodded slightly and the man with the scar sighed, “good,” he crouched in front of you and you locked eyes with him, anger filling you up head to toe but you fought against it. “where’d we leave off, huh?” 

“w-why you took me,” your voice was small and you realized you hadn’t actually talked in days besides muttering ellie’s name to yourself. 

“right!” he exclaimed loudly, making you jump as it echoed off the walls. “you seemed valuable, at least to that girl,” as he acknowledged ellie, your face lit up and you hung on to his words. “so we figured, you’d be a good bargaining chip for food and whatnot.” 

the nonchalantness in his voice made your skin crawl and your eyebrows furrowed as you looked at him. “and you think giving me back like this will get you what you want?” you asked, your voice slowly returning. the man looked down on you with a smug expression. 

“if they want you back alive, yeah. i do. we’re gonna send a party to your town to give them our demands for you,” his finger grazed your leg and you snaked it back. the chains rattled as you did and a chuckle came from him. “we just need to know exactly what you people got.” 

worry swirled around inside of you and you knew what ellie would do in this situation, so you remained as strong as you could, picturing her in your mind. “i’m not telling you anything–” 

“it’s your choice,” he sighed, reaching into his back pocket. he pulled out a small knife and it was too similar to ellie’s for your liking. “just know you can change your mind at anytime.” with that, his knife pierced your skin and your screams filled the room. 

ellie’s pov

— five days after the kidnapping

ellie had been traveling on foot for two days now. her head still ached with the concussion she suffered and her feet felt like they were on fire with every step. everytime she felt like stopping, a foggy image of you would cross her mind and she would keep going. she only stopped when she was practically falling over, hours after the sun had gone down.

by the second day, her legs were giving out on her. she stumbled into the underbrush to the side of the road, falling to her knees and then flat on her stomach. too exhausted to eat and sleep came easy to her. she knew it would only be an hour of sleep but she physically couldn’t go any further tonight. so she embraced sleep, knowing it would only make her nightmares surface yet again. 

tonight her nightmare seemed to be a complete recollection of that night. she was in the tent with you and you rambled about a book you had borrowed from dina. ellie was rifling through her backpack, looking for the constellations book. she had promised to show you cassiopeia on her throne in the night sky, but her book wasn’t in her bag. “i fuckin’ packed it,” she said mindlessly, dumping her belongings out onto your sleeping bag. 

“it’s okay, we can find it without the book.” you reassured her, a soft smile on your face as you did. 

“no, there was– ugh,” she sighed, accepting defeat. you looked at her, a puzzled expression on your face that she couldn’t quite see. “i had something for you, it was in the book.” 

“i’m sure whatever it was, i’ll love it when we get back just as much.” you leaned up, planting a delicate kiss on her lips. ellie’s worry washed away and placed a hand to your cheek when you pulled apart. 

 thats when the silent forest came to life. animals could be heard sprinting between trees, and the birds caulking as they were so rudely woken up by whatever had scared them. ellie’s head turned to the opening in the tent and you grabbed her arm, forcing her to look back to you. 

she saw the usual cloudy mess instead of your face, but in her dreams it seemed to be normal. she sat up, rubbing the arm that clutched hers before she spoke. “probably just a runner, i’ll be right back.” she kissed the top of the blur and felt the grip loosen around her arm. 

“be quick–” you whispered to her as she left the warm tent into the chill air. ellie looked around the campsite, not seeing anything but the noises of the animals still alarmed her, so she expanded her search. 

she had wandered down to the small creek about twenty yards from you, hoping the sound of the rushing water had attracted the infected but there was none in sight and as she turned to make her way back to you, and the night you had planned, your shriek came barreling through the trees. 

not hesitating for a second, ellie was running. her fists pumping at her sides like a madman, she didn’t have time to think about what could possibly be tormenting you, but when she bursted into the campsite and her eyes locked on you, thrashing in the grasp of a random man, her heart sank to her stomach. your face was no longer blurred, she could see every detail that made your face so perfect but your terrified expression haunted her and the gun coming down on her head sprung her awake. 

the sun hadn’t risen yet and her surroundings were still dark. she pushed herself off the ground, not wanting to go back to sleep until you were next to her. coming from the trees that lined the highway, she kept going. the little rest she got was enough to propel her forward and while she walked her mind wandered. it wasn’t long before the sound of morning birds snapped her out of a haze and as she looked up from her feet she saw a welcome to utah sign. it was still dark, probably the very beginning of the morning and ellie noticed smoke coming from the trees just behind the sign. 

not hesitating she moved closer, taking her steps slowly and lowering herself to the ground, she pushed past the trees and saw the makings of a camp. a giant fire roared in the middle of all the people sleeping around it. her eyes landed on the man to the left, furthest from the horses and a picture flashed in her mind. he laid there peacefully, but ellie recognized him as the man who had knocked her out. and suddenly her thoughts halted themselves and her feet moved for her. 

knowing she could never take all of them at once, especially as exhausted as she was, ellie decided on a different plan. starting with the woman closest to the horses, she positioned herself right next to her and grabbed the knife she had placed in her pocket. ellie’s hand covered the womans mouth and her eyes opened harshly. without a second thought, she sliced the knife along the neck of the panicked woman. 

the fires crackling was enough to mask the sound of her blood gurgling from the wound. the woman grasped at ellie desperately trying to save her own life but her movements soon slowed, her arms falling to her sides. removing her hand, she moved on to the next one. watching as the life drained from him as well as he struggled to alert his friends. ellie had gone glossy eyed, and if she was being honest she wasn’t in full control of her actions. her mind only had one goal, and these people stood in her way. they caused this. they deserve it. 

blood spattered onto her face while she glided the switchblade across the neck of the third man, once he had stopped fighting back and his eyes were staring blankly up into the sky ellie locked her own eyes on the final man. the one who had prevented her from saving you, now that it was only him left she stomped over to him. as she approached him, her chest was heaving and blood dripped from her face.

she stood over him for a moment, watching as he slept peacefully. cocking her head to the side, she kicked him harshly in the stomach. immediately he rolled over, clutching his stomach and groaning in pain. ellie drove her foot into his now exposed back and he cried out in pain yet again. despite his pain, the man tried to get away. crawling on his hands and knees as quickly as he could, he only made it a few feet when the sound of ellie’s gun cocking made him stop in his tracks. 

“turn around,” ellie grunted, her breathing more heavy than before. the man did as he was told, and as he did his eyes widened at the sight of ellie, covered in blood, sweat and dirt. they wandered past her, looking upon his dead friends and his hands raised to the side of his head. 

“take it all–” 

“you remember me?” her voice was low, hushed even and as the terrified man studied her face his eyebrows raised slightly, and ellie’s lips threatened to curl at the ends. “yeah, you remember me.” 

the man remained quiet in his realization and ellie’s gaze directed itself at the paper poking out from his pocket. the fire illuminated the camp just enough to see it was a map and she motioned her gun towards it, “you’re gonna show me exactly where she is.” her voice was flat but firm. 

“i can’t do that–” his voice trembled and his words were cut off by ellie moving closer to him, her gun now directly in his face. 

“you don’t have a fucking choice!” she shouted, ripping the map from his pocket while her gun remained closely trained on him. she laid it flat on the ground, crouching down to his level and staring him down. he shook his head feverishly, terrified of ellie but even more concerned about her finding their base. while he refused to speak, she had grown tired of waiting and with her available hand took her switchblade and dug it deeply into his thigh and twisted with all her strength.

he wailed, losing balance on his knees and falling to his side. ellie removed the knife, wiping it clean on her jeans before lowering her head to him. “you’d better start fucking talking.” 

the gun was still pointed to his face and he looked at her with disdain, “i’m fucking dead anyway why would i tell you anything.” he said breathlessly, trying to cover the hole in his leg with his hands and failing miserably. 

“because i can make it quick,” she twirled her switchblade in her fingers, grazing it over his cheeks as he winced back. “or i could make it so much worse.” 

“fuck you!” he spat with all his might and ellie dug her knife into his arm, sliding it down while it tore open his flesh. his screams filled the woods around them and in a desperate attempt to save his life, he reached for her gun. 

it pointed up and ellie fired at the sudden scramble. the man tackled her to the ground, pinning her down and fighting to take the gun from her hand. in the tussle, her switchblade fell from her grasp and landed a few feet away. in a panic she fought for the gun, kneeing the man in the stomach as hard as she could but he remained firm on top of her. her free hand swung up, knocking him on the head and his grip on the gun loosened. as she yanked it back, it slipped from her own hands and fell to the ground. while he was stunned from her punch, ellie managed to throw him off of her. she rolled around, looking on the ground for her gun but it blended in so well with the dirt and sticks she couldn’t see it. 

taking a quick look back to the man, he had picked up a rather large rock and tried smashing it down on her head. ellie moved, nearly missing having her head bashed in and she noticed her blade glistening in the now rising sun. she army crawled as the man grasped at her legs to pull her back. her fingers fiddled with the handle before she was able to firmly wrap her hand around it. as she did, the man dragged her back towards him and while he tried to position himself on top of her, ellie plunged the switchblade deep into his chest. the crunch of it piercing his sternum confirmed it was a deadly hit and she watched as he lost any hope to stay alive. 

his mouth hung open in shock, looking down to the puncture wound and his hands went to grasp around it. his legs straddled ellie’s torso, allowing the blood that poured from it to fall directly onto her. the man coughed and instead of spit, blood spewed from his mouth staining his teeth in the process before he fell over beside her. ellie didn’t move, her breathing erratic from the fight. 

the man gurgled on his own blood for a moment before it got quiet again, the woods silent as ever except for her heaving breaths. her hands fell to her sides and she gazed up to the sky, the stars still burning brightly above the trees. all of her exhaustion hit her at once like a truck and she fought to keep her eyes from closing. right before she thought sleep would consume her and she would have to relive her worst nightmare all over again, she saw the makings of a constellation. at first, it wasn’t recognizable, just another clump of stars in the galaxy. but when it clicked in her mind, she propped herself up on her elbows and the tiredness melted away. it was cassiopeia. 

that was everything she needed. ellie got up with a new surge of energy, taking the map with her and anything else she could find useful. she strode away from the grim scene on their horse, following the map to the first exit off the utah highway. with the horse, the rest of the journey seemed like light work. it was only an hour before she spotted the fences to the community. 

tying the horse to a hidden tree for a get-away, she circled the small town. the fence was chain linked and she watched inside as the town woke up to start their day. ellie was able to see that only a small amount of people woke up this early, leaving the streets barely occupied. 

staying in the shadows, she slipped under the fence that was poorly secured. she found herself in between two small houses, ellie could make out mumbled words from the street so she moved up, making sure to stay as close to the wall of the house as possible. 

“....hopefully they will come back with the stuff by tomorrow.” a woman's voice could be heard, ellie dared not to peek around the corner and listened further to their conversation. 

“we don’t even know if they have anything, we could be chasing a dead end.” ellie’s eyebrows furrowed as the second voice spoke. she figured they were talking about the group she had slaughtered, but could jackson be the dead end they were speaking about? is that why they wanted you?

“just gotta hope for the best, i guess.” the woman spoke again before her footsteps could be heard walking away. ellie’s body tensed up, quickly her mind showed her the haunting image of your face and she shook her head, focusing her eyes around the corner. she caught a glimpse of the woman walking down the sidewalk, leaving the man to stand in front of the house alone. he was reading a note intensely and ellie took a look around to make sure her coast was clear. 

she came up behind him, swiftly covering his mouth and dragging him back between the houses for cover. she ripped the note from his hands and used the bandana that had been around his head to cover his mouth and threw him to the ground. while she examined the note, her pistol was focused on him keeping him in place. 

residents be advised that your council is doing all they can to provide for you. we are currently bartering with a town in wyoming for food, and unlike last time, we are sure they will be more than happy to provide.

ellie balled up the paper in her fists, scoffing and throwing it beside the man. “the girl, where is she?” ellie hissed at him, keeping her voice low. he mumbled through the bandana and she rolled her eyes. “don’t fucking scream, you can make it out of this.” she said before pulling the bandana down. 

the mans eyes were wide with fear as he looked upon ellie, but he spoke fast and quietly while darting his eyes between her and the gun. “i don’t know about a girl, i really don’t plea–” 

ellie shook her head before snatching his wrist in her hand, bending his finger back and he winced. “okay, okay okay,” he rushed out, feeling his finger about to snap. “our hunters, they came back a few days ago with something they wouldn’t tell anyone about,” he paused, looking at ellie and her grip loosened. 

“keep talking.” she ordered him and he stammered his words, trying to desperately abide by her rules. 

“usually they bring the meat to the kitchen but-but they parked the truck outside of our leaders house, said it was nothing but it didn-didn’t look like nothin’.” 

ellie moved the gun into his neck, nuzzling it right below his ear and his breathing hitched up. “where?”

“go left do-down the street, the truck is old you can’t miss it!” ellie knew the truck all too well and without another word she removed the gun from his neck and he breathed a sigh of relief. 

“thanks–” ellie whispered as her switchblade lodged itself in his neck. he didn’t scream, just looked at her wide-eyed as he tried to stop his neck from bleeding. ellie didn’t wait around, his blood still bubbling as she walked away, turning left down the street. 

she was careful, she moved down the street hiding behind cars, bushes and whatever else she could find. when she was starting to think the man had given her bad information, the truck came into view. it was parked blissfully in the driveway of a quaint looking house. she found herself climbing through an open window on the first floor, escaping the street and its peering eyes. ellie landed in the living room of the house, it wasn’t decorated, the walls were blank and the furniture looked like it was rotting away. 

that's when she heard voices coming from upstairs, she almost ascended the stairs herself but the voices were coming closer. she hid behind the dusty couch as the stairs creaked and found herself in the company of two men who had no idea she was eavesdropping. 

“we already sent the group, why do you need more from her?” the raspy voice uttered, a hint of annoyance laced in his tone. 

ellie heard a long sigh, “because they could become our primary suppliers. as long as we have her, they will give us whatever we want. for as long as we want.” the second man spoke with a heavy country accent and her blood boiled, she stopped herself from jumping the two, instead listening for more information. 

“she wasn’t very forthcoming the first time–” 

his voice was cut off, “well fuckin’ make her. i told you whatever it takes.” another sigh filled her ears, and she wasn’t sure who had done it but feet were stomping away and she glanced around the couch. she witnessed a bald man opening a door down a dark hallway, while the man who had the accent went back upstairs. her brain was split, but she knew they wouldn’t have kept you upstairs so she followed the bald man with the raspy voice, opening the door silently and descending the stairs that were behind it. 

the end of the staircase opened up to a dimly lit basement, it was unfinished and dirty. she caught a glance at a metal door at the opposite end of the room before turning her attention back to the bald man, who was crouching down beside a workbench. it was lined with tools, but ellie knew what they were for. so as fast as she could, she approached him. he was barely able to turn around before she tackled him to the ground. the man was big but being caught off guard helped ellie as her hands gripped around his neck. 

she put all of her body weight into his neck, he was choking and failing his arms around at ellie. it didn’t phase her, even when he had slapped her across the face in his panic. her face was contorting with all the exertion and she stared down at him, never breaking eye contact. a scar was slashed across his face and she recognized this as the man who had thrown you into the truck, the image coming to her clearly. his eyes were bulging from their sockets and his legs were kicking with a passion but as ellie came to this realization she jerked her hands down, the applied pressure breaking his neck under her hands and he immediately went limp. 

in a cloudy haze she stood up, catching her breath and looking around for a key. she practically threw everything off of the workbench in front of her and when she didn’t find it she moved back to the man on the floor. she dug through his pockets and her fingers found a small metal key. 

she walked towards the metal door slowly. now that she was here, she was terrified of what she would see behind the door. she put the key into the lock and turned, earning a click. she breathed out all the air in her lungs before pushing it open and her heart was beating faster than she had ever known possible. the room was dark, and seemed empty. the light from the other room allowed her to see a small switch on the wall and she flicked it on, now fearing you werent even here. 

but you were. the light came on and your hands flew to your face shielding your eyes. ellie’s eyes immediately brimmed with tears seeing you. she took a step forward, taking off her backpack and laying it on the ground beside her. you were so obviously injured, puncture wounds up and down your legs with dried blood surrounding them. the chain around your ankle had almost embedded itself in your skin, resulting in a horrible looking bruise that had worked its way up your leg. ellie breathlessly said your name, tears falling from her eyes and your hands moved from your face slowly. 

your eyes weren’t adjusted, you just saw a blurry figure in front of you but you could have sworn you heard her voice. the voice that had escaped you every time you tried to hold on to it, and you thought your brain was playing a cruel prank. “please don’t,” you uttered quietly, fearing she was the man with the scar coming back to torture you more. 

ellie dropped to her knees in front of you, looking at your battered body not able to form words. they had broken you, and she blamed herself. anger brewed inside of her but in this moment, she remained soft spoken. “it’s me,” she whispered, reaching her hand out to touch your leg which you snaked away, still not believing she was actually there. you believed you were so desperate to see her, to hear her, that she materialized out of thin air. but that meant you were truly losing your sanity and you could barely look at her. 

“its not you–” you said back to her, looking to the floor and ellie’s eyes shut tightly to hold back anymore tears. you had backed up all the way to the wall, leaving ellie in the center of the room. she slowly moved to you as you watched her from your peripheral view.

she came up in front of you, “it’s me, pumpkin,” and placed a hand to your shallow cheek as she always had done. 

feeling her warm hands on your face, you met her eyes. her warmth couldn’t be your imagination and your own eyes welled up as she dragged her thumb carelessly across your cheek. her appearance didn’t even phase you, all you cared about was her. “ellie,” you sighed, shutting your eyes and placing your hand on top of hers that cupped your face. “you’re actually here?” your voice was small and faint, and it felt like ellie was stabbed in the heart. 

the blur that ruined her memories of you was gone. even the image of you being whisked away was gone. she scanned your still perfect face, it’s only faults being sunken in from hunger and bruising that littered your cheeks but it was still perfection to her. she felt more relief than she had when she killed the man in the woods, and the bald man that still laid a few feet away. you were here in front of her, finally.  ellie couldn’t help but smile at you, all her efforts hadn’t been in vain. 

“i’m actually here,” she repeated to you, connecting your foreheads together. “i found you.” 

ellie leaned back, inches from your face. her voice rang in your ears and you felt like you were floating with every word that came from her mouth after missing it for so long. you managed a smile for her. she was so close to you that you had barely seen the figure towering over her from behind, your mouth began to form her name to warn her but it was too late. the figure smashed ellie over the head and she fell unconscious beside you. 

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

kinda part 2 of the suicidal yuu thing, uhhhh that is a request?? kinda??? i really want to here your thoughts about it and one of the reasons why i sent it to you is because i think you have something amazing to add. (also because i love sad yuu)

Missing Yuu

How they mourn over the loss of their best friend— I kinda inspired/off topic sorry

TWs: GN Yuu. Mostly platonic Some have romantic subtexts like pining and such. In Vils, Jamils, and Idia’s it is implied more explicitly that Yuu took their own life. There are references to songs and movies from Yuus world, specifically Ponyo Time/Space +Mary by Alex G and BaBopByeYa by Janelle Monae. Game refernced but theyre listed in Idias section. (Also for any nerds ik that isnt how MKW’s ghost data works but shhh imagine the angst,

Azul Ashengrotto

Azul thought he was done mourning. It’s been years since you died, he actually remembers that entire month vividly to this day. How he was in his office, sorting through some papers and awaiting his tea from Jade. It took longer than expected. He would surely accept this from Floyd, but Jade of all mer? Disgruntledly, Azul gets off and goes out to look for the eel. He was only a few steps out of his office when he hears some faint sobbing. Oh dear, that's not good for business…

“Yer lying!” Floyd sobs as Jade holds onto his brother with a particularly grim expression, everyone in the lounge gone silent, each patron not daring to disturb the conversation unfolding out of pity. “Floyd, there is no reason to be mad at Deuce, he’s only the messenger.” “What’s going on here?” Azul asked sternly, getting ready to shoo out the Heartslabyul member. “Ah, there you are Azul.” The spade said, with defeat in his voice.

Nothing Deuce said registered in his head the minute he heard ‘Yuu is dead’. The words strung together were incomprehensible to him. Yuu? Gone? As if! That little prefect was always in everyone’s business! They went up against blots for the sevens sake! They couldn't be dead! But as Deuce continued to speak, the reality started to set in as they handed Azul a small box. “They wanted you to have this.”

The Lounge was closed for a few weeks afterward, the entire school seemed to be in shock. That entire month he couldn't even think right, his mind seemingly blocking out the existence of the prefect he grew to adore. It was only when he saw the twins mourning in their own ways, did it remind him. How Floyd would always keep the handmade eel plush Yuu made on his person, keeping it in the best condition possible despite his messy personality. Jade had a new accessory on his person as well, a small bag shaped like a Fly Agaric mushroom, it went with him everywhere even if it wasn't the most practical. In the gardens, Azul found himself wandering over to your small plot, where you kept your own crops, sitting next to Jade as he continued to care for your plants after your passing.

It was because of you, did he and the tweels he worked alongside closely become friends after all these years. A few years ago he couldn't even imagine seeing them as such, they were merely business partners, a means to an end. Yet now the three of them actually hang out or just… talk.

When he is alone at night does his mind wander as he opens the beat-up box to look at his own gift, memories flooding in from the device in hand…

You were in the VIP room, he doesn’t even remember why, when he heard you reference a few movies from your world. “It was good I ended up being summoned with some of my things, I honestly don't know what I’d do without anything from my world, especially my comfort shows.” They mentioned offhand, chopping it up with Floyd.

“Though we don't have mermaids in my world, we do have a lot of TV shows about them. I wonder how they hold up here?” Azul continued to scribble on his papers as he eavesdropped. “Oh, I know! What if we have a sleepover and binge-watch some of them, maybe you guys can rate how accurate or offensive they are!” Floyd practically squealed with glee at the idea, and he knew he had no choice in the matter.

It was the end of senior year now, and he was packing his things to head to his home in the Coral Sea. He also never thought he would go back there too, but he supposed spending some time with his family should do some good. As he packed everything out of his safe, he examined the box that he was given on that fateful day, old and torn up, and he opened it up again.

An alien laptop attached to a projector was inside. On a piece of paper were the password and log in. It was also ironically one of his best projects to demonstrate his magic comprehension. One of his finals was to prove he knew how to do a proper protection spell, and what better to protect than one of his most prized possessions, more valuable than the coins he loved to collect?

Azul remembers the praise he was given by one of the professors that visited NRC. The spell was one of the most powerful he’s ever seen! Not even a fingerprint could be left on the thing, and it was completely waterproof as well! But what was he wasn't expecting to be praised for was the device itself. “Now did you make this thing, Mr.Ashengrotto? I must say it is quite impressive! I have never seen this sort of technology before!”

The mage was blindsided by the praise, not even knowing how to react. He wanted to stop the professor, correct him, say that his friend was the one who made it, but the words seemed to die on his tongue. If he talks about you right now, he would cry, and if he cries that means you mattered to him, and he still doesn’t know how to feel about that. He didn’t even call you his friend when you were alive, calling such a term now seemed unfair. And yet you were. You are arguably the first friend he ever had. The first friend the trio even had, and he didn't even have the courage to consider you one until you died.

Azul held onto the box as he and his friends pass through the mirror, promising to all meetup and hang out again soon as they made their way home. His mother was the first to greet him in a tight hug as she rambled on about how much she missed him and how proud she was of him, how she made his favorite, and how she can't wait to celebrate his graduation. His grandmother greeted him from the kitchen as he and his stepfather carried in the few boxes he took with him back to his room.

His mother soon came in to help him unpack, and she stumbled across the old torn box from earlier. Azul didn't even realize she opened it until he heard it open and a familiar tune played.

Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo, Little fishie in the sea~

Tiny little fishie, who could you really be?~

Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo, magic sets you free~

“Ahahaha! Is this some sort of kid's show, shrimpy?” “Hey! Ponyo is for all ages, firstly! Secondly, it's my favorite movie and it's mermaid themed!” The prefect defended themselves from Floyd's teasing. Azul chuckled in agreement with Floyd's words as he made himself comfortable on the couch with Jade. “Well so far there is nothing offensive in this movie, however, I do find it offensive that you see us as children, Yuu.”

“I don’t! Im just trying to show you my favorite movie first!” Yuu bit back at Jade's snark as the tune plays, the prefect messing with the computer and the projector attached to it to project it onto the white curtains of their dorm. Azul never expected to even care about some stupid kid's movie, yet as it drew out he was completely invested. The brightly colored film even manages to keep Floyd enraptured until the end. Jade commented on how much of a delight it was.

They continued into the night, watching show after show, some corny, some fun. “This is far from accurate!” Azul huffs, “People actually watch this where you're from?” “H2O Just Add Water was a big deal for a while actually!” “I’m curious prefect, is this how you thought mers were?” Jade teased, leading to another mini-argument.

“Haha! Imagine if we actually turned into mermaids if we touch water though! That would be funny~” Floyd chuckled, reaching onto the table filled with food and snacks and shoving a handful of candy into his mouth. The atmosphere was lively, and the night was perfect, he had never been so relaxed before, especially around his dormmates, it felt almost domestic in a way— was this what it was like to have friends?

The very next day it was back to normal, but that stupid little movie kept playing in his mind. He would rather die than admit it was his new favorite movie, however, but it seems Yuu always knew. Their gift proved that.

Azul seemed to freeze in place as the sound from the laptop continued. “Son?” His stepfather asked as he watch the mer shake. He thought he was done mourning. A sudden sob of anguish escaped his throat as he nearly screamed, years of guilt and sadness coming out all at once. Azul sobbed into his parent's arms, choking back sobs as he apologized, stuttering out gibberish as he inked. He never told them about you, he never even told him about his overblot, but tonight, he will, you would have wanted him to heal.

Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo, Little fishie in the sea~

Tiny little fishie, who could you really be?~

Ponyo, Ponyo, Ponyo, magic sets you free~

Oh pretty fishie, will you swim back to me?~

Jamil Viper

His parents never gave him the time to mourn, even when Kalim told them it was okay. “You need to watch over him!” His mother scolded. “He is our employer's son! If anything happens to him—“ Jamil blanked out at the rest, his mind immediately shutting when he was getting yelled at for the sin of grief. If he wasn’t so exhausted, he would have probably yelled at them. Actually, he wished he did, it’s what you would have wanted for him.

Jamil never expected to be so close to you of all people, and he especially never expected you to understand him. But, you did. In fact, you stood up for him. He remembers how you would often distract Kalim for his sake, allowing him to get some much-needed rest from being at his beck and call 24/7. You helped him with his chores as well. He doesn’t even remember when you officially became his friend, it just felt so natural.

Finally, after all of these years, he had someone that cared about him, that listened to him, that understood him. He could never confide in anyone until you came around. He remembers vividly talking about his parents off-hand while you were in his room. He didn’t mean to vent about them, you just asked how they were doing since they sent him a letter and it all came out.

They barely even wrote to him, they only asked about Kalim, it's like he doesn't even exist! They don’t do this to Namja, not that they should, he loves his sister, but it is just so… frustrating. It’s just like he's just an extension of someone else!

He didn’t even realize he was crying until you put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m… I’m sorry.” Jamil whispered. “Don’t be.” You smiled at him, a warm, genuine understanding smile. You didn’t speak as he vented, and you didn’t try to offer solutions or pity, you just listened and validated him, the very first and only person who has ever done that. The topic soon changed to music, he thinks it's because you brought up some of the headphones he had in his room, and you both exchanged your opinions on the subject.

“The music here is so similar yet so different from my world, it's good don't get me wrong, it's just… strange.” “What is the music from your world like?” He asked as you swung your legs on the edge of your bed. “Uhh, what's genre you like? I’ll try to find something similar on here.” You held up your phone as Jamil started describing music he listened to.

After a moment, a song played from your phone. Beautifully unique instrumental unlike anything he's ever heard started playing. He started to understand what you mean by similar but different. The singer began to vocalize, but the words were utterly incomprehensible, the language unlike anything he has heard.

“Oh right, I forgot, language barrier, different dimensions, hold on!” The student took off the enchanted necklace given to them at the beginning of the year and handed it to him. Jamil hesitantly took it, clasping it around his neck. The minute it clasped around him, the lyrics suddenly started making sense.

I hear echoes of your laughter

In the corners of my mind

As I memorize each detail of your intricate design

In your hair, there is symphony

Your lips, a string quartet

They tell stories of the neon valley street where we first met

Now somewhere time pursues us

As we love in technicolor

But I dwell in silence of your words that move me like none other

This time I shall be unafraid

And violence will not move me

This time we will relax

This time we will stay in our movie

“Woah…” Jamil whispers. “I know trippy right?” You asked the interdimensional gibberish from their lips suddenly making sense. “Hearing you speak my language sounds so surreal, it suits you though!” You smile. “Oh if you like this song, I know another one you're gonna love!”

You were such a great friend, you still did everything you could for him despite your own situation, so he reciprocated. You couldn’t eat today because Crowley had you run all his errands? Good thing he made an extra lunch today, for no reason of course. No time to study because of that overblot that happened? Oh no, it sure would be a shame if his old graded assignments with the correct answers written on them got mixed up in your stuff.

He didn’t explicitly state his intentions, it would take him a while for him to truly open up and say what he meant because of his upbringing, but you didn't care. You understood. And he was here for you the same way you were there for him. When you complained about your master's most recent demands, he was there to listen the same you did when he complained about his.

He was devastated when he heard the news of your death. If it wasn’t for years of keeping his composure, he would have fallen apart then and there. He felt sick, the earth was suddenly spinning around him. Everything Crowley announced after was a blur, Jamil didn’t even realize Crowley was talking to him until he said his name for the third time. A small box was held out to him, note attached to it in Yuu’s handwriting.

Jamil took the box and continued to stare off into space until the announcements came to a close. Kalim was inconsolable as they walked back to the dorm. Kalim wiped his tears holding onto his own box, and both wordlessly went into their rooms, needing time for themselves. The minute the door shut behind him, Jamil let out a cry of pure agony, collapsing onto his bed as he wept.

For the next few weeks, Kalim tried his best to not rely on Jamil, even ordering him to take a vacation though he didn't have the power to do so, it was ultimately up to his family. Still, Jamil appreciated the sentiment. Kalim would try to cook for himself and do his own makeup, even if it wasn't the best. It was ironic that even in death you continued to help with Kalim, your death making Kalim more independent, and mending their relationship by proxy

Jamil hadn’t opened the box yet, nor read the note. He hasn't had the courage to, but tonight was different. He opened the small box, peering at the device inside. It was an MP3 player of sorts, he assumed, along with a pair of high-quality earbuds. His eyes watered too much to read the note properly, but he did see the password to the device. Pulling out the device, he noticed that the necklace Yuu used was also in the box.

Jamil clipped the necklace onto himself and entered the password. He placed the earbuds into his ears and swiped through the device. He paused as he saw the albums you created for yourself with all sorts of names. Study Playlist, Rock, Love Songs and Pining, and one simply titled For Jamil.

He shakily tapped on it. More tears rolled down his cheeks as he scrolled through all of the songs you put in it, all of them songs of genres or vibes you thought he would have loved. It would be too much to listen to it right now. He tapped back to the list of albums and kept scrolling though, abruptly stopping at one album.

This Time I’m Really Gonna Do It, it was titled. He tapped on it and immediately started the playlist. Most songs were about loneliness, homesickness, derealization, self-harm. Jamil sat, hunched over, laser-focused on the lyrics of each song.

Mary is the one that leaves you to rot.

She says I am real and you are not.

She says

I am real

And you are not…

Jamil began to sob again as he listened as it all sunk in for him. You were gone, and for the entire time you were here, this is how you felt. You were always there for him. You always comforted him. And he couldn’t do the same for you. If he was just there a little more, if he just truly asked and truly listened would you still be here? If he asked about your family and your home, would you have been able to find it easier here? If he were more honest…. As he sobbed another song started playing, lyrics resonating deep within him as it played.

Hold on tight to this time this place,

Cause everything you know will be erased.

You were born inside your head.

And that is where you’ll go when you are dead.

Vil Shoenheit

When he received the news of your passing, he decided to take a break from the spotlight, announcing his hiatus to his manager and his social media. He was less strict in ruling dorm, and much more forgiving of Epel's outburst of rage, knowing that he was mourning in his own way. Rook was a blessing with how much he understood and stepped up to give Vil a break, an unspoken thank you between the two of them.

Vil kept you in his mind while doing everything for a while. Even as he applied his skincare he found his mind explaining it to himself as if it was his first time. He imagined explaining the process to the overworked prefect who seemed to never have enough time to care for their skin, or afford it. “Now exfoliate gently in circles like so,” his mind would say, and he would close his eyes and pretend he was doing it to you. He never even got the chance to gift you the cleanser he made for you.

As he prepares his salads, he finds himself making an extra one on the side. He remembers how you would occasionally complain about skipping meals because of Crowley, and he would imagine that if you were still here, he would have given the meal to you while lightly scolding you.

When he applies his makeup, he experiments slightly in the way you would. You seldom wore makeup with how busy your schedule was. The few times he saw you with it, he remembered you mentioning that one of your friends did it for you. If you were given the materials and time, how would you have applied it? Would you use a brush or sponge for your foundation? Perhaps your eyeliner would follow the trends from your world?

As he led his club, he remembered what you would mention about the shows from your world and how you viewed magic from an Outlander's perspective. He found himself looking at some of the graphic novels and manga from your world that you lent him before you passed. You said they were made into movies, some good but most bad. As he flipped the pages he saw the sticky notes you wrote on each one, translating the foreign language for him. Your handwriting was comforting.

He wondered which one of these were your favorite as he read, admiring the storylines. How did movies work where you were from? Did you miss them? This comics would make for a good one, maybe he can direct one based on them…

Vil didn’t want to use social media, but he opened it up to go and find yours. Going onto some of the freshman’s socials, he found you in their followers. You were a private account, and he couldn’t see any of your posts. He mindlessly requested a follow, not expecting to be let in immediately— you must have already been following him, and he couldn't help but go through your entire account.

You didn’t follow a lot of people, and only your friends along with a few bots followed you. Most of the posts were of photos around NRC or of friends along with some inside jokes. Some posts consisted of memes or images that weren’t like anything of that of his world, captions talking about how much you miss home. The horrible realization of you being an Outlander seemed to sink in even more at the caption. No one here truly knew you, you had very few to remember you. Your family will never even know what happened to you, that you died. Vil shut off his phone, regretting his decision to reopen Magicam.

The Dormleader even found himself eating a bit unhealthily, in moderation of course. He remembered how you would practically shove everything down your throat before having to go off and do your next task without any etiquette whatsoever. He even remembers Epel saving up to buy junk food and sweets to give to you as gifts. Apparently, you couldn't afford them or had nothing like them in your world. He even remembers the captions of you complaining of only eating one thing all day and such.

He requested Epel to tell him some of your favorite desserts you enjoyed or the ones he planned on getting for you, perhaps he could understand you more if he ate them, or perhaps consume them for you since you never got the opportunity to enjoy them. Epel had no use for his gifts anymore, so he shoved most of them into the communal fridge.

In one of his runs, Vil noticed that the freshman’s mood seemed to sour more as his phone continued to ping. “Epel. Your phone. Either turn it on silent or respond.” Vil reprimanded. “Ugh, I can't! They keep finding me on everythin’! Even harrasin’ my folks at home!” Vils brows knitted together, “What are you talking about?”

“Ever since you followed Yuu or something like that I’ve been getting a buncha DMs and stuff asking if I knew anything about you or who Yuu is to you, seriously it’s driving me insane! It's happening to Ace and the others too! Assholes doxxed me and even got my number so I can't just block em.” Epel wiped away a tear that threatened to fall. “Can't even be left alone to mourn…”

“Let me see them.” Vil opened Epel's social phone, seeing notification after notification pop up. Opening his social media, he saw that even with the restricted access and privating of his account, almost all of the comments were about him.

>Hey! Hey! Hey! Do you know Vil???

>Please DM me for an interview!

>Hello there Mr.Epel, do you know a person named Yuu?

>Do you know who Yuu is to Vil??? Are they like together or something???

The sight made Vil feel sick as he turned off the phone and handed it back to Epel. “I’ll take care of this Epel, I’m sorry you have to put up with this.” Vil knew making a simple announcement wouldn’t be enough. He sighs as he sends a message to his manager, requesting her to get him an interview.

***

Vil sits up straight on the seat across from the interviewer, going over introductions and greetings as the camera rolls, broadcasting everything live. The interview goes smoothly. Vil already has his answers to simple questions about his career memorized. “So, Vil, I’m sure you are aware of the recent news going on about who you followed.” Vil nods, throat suddenly going dry. “Yes, I didn’t know that it would blow up if I’m being honest.”

The interviewer laughs for a moment. “So who’s this ‘Yuu’ person now? It’s not every day you follow a private personal account, they anyone special?” Yes, yes they are Vil thinks. Vil takes a deep breath. “I actually want to address the recent drama regarding them,” Vil pauses to hold back a stutter, it was strange, why was he being so emotional now of all times?

“Yuu is…” There were so many ways to describe them, but nothing came out. “They are no longer with us. They have passed away recently and…” Vil wiped away tears forming in his eyes. “I want to ask everyone to please stop harassing everyone, they are all— we are all mourning their loss and…” Vil suddenly chokes back a sob, and the weight of it all suddenly starts to sink as grief envelops him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m going to have to stop this interview here, I need… I need some time for myself…”

Vil stands up and goes off-screen, covering his mouth with his fist as he walks off. On the car ride back to NRC he hesitantly turns on his phone, looking at the notifications that pop up. Opening his Magicam, he looks through some of his comments, most of which are now apologies from overbearing fans and inquiries about his mental state. One notification stands out from the rest, a small red dot near his messages. Tapping on it he sees a DM from no other than Neige LeBlanche himself asking if he was alright and that he was always here for him.

“How could you forgive everyone around you for mistreating you?” The blond asked the prefect in front of them. “Everyone here has treated you horribly.” The prefect merely shrugged, “It’s much better to make a friend out of an enemy than to destroy them, after all my first meeting with Ace and Grim was far from perfect.” They chuckled before sipping on their drink as they sat across from the model. “If I started shutting out everyone because of a few bad experiences, I would have never met you. Besides, I can't let things get to me that easily!” The last part is now ironic as Vil reminisces.

Vil wiped another tear, before pressing accept on the DM request.

Idia Shroud

It was like it never happened. You were just offline, the Shroud reasoned upon seeing your profiles on everything no longer active. To an outsider, it was like Idia didn’t care, he continued on his computer without a tear shed.

To Ortho, however, it was obvious that everything he was doing was to preserve what was left of you. You were summoned with a few items, one of them being some portable gaming device that was now his. Idia remembers when you first showed it to him when he was curious about how games were from your world. He remembered you were a bit upset that you couldn't play a majority of the games together as it required two devices, and Idia being as tech savvy as he was merely snickered before hooking up the device to his computer and copying the files.

A bit of coding and emulating later, the young man now had an entire library of interdimensional games on his pc for him to enjoy, and now he can join your sessions online. From farming sims to FPS, he thoroughly enjoyed all of it, fascinated at how similar yet different everything is. Certain buttons are mixed up, common gaming terminology from his world wasn’t used.

He would often join you in all sorts of random games. Even games he never thought he would enjoy like that weird ‘Skate 3’, ‘Power Washing Simulator’, ‘Raft’, ‘Animal Crossing’ or even ‘Stardew Valley’. It was fun to visit your farm or island, or to skate with you, or even to power wash things. There were so many fun and unique games that your world had, and since your passing, he wanted to try and share it with everyone. He didn’t have time to mourn with how busy he was!

The games you brought over made him happy, and now he wanted to share that feeling with everyone else in a way to honor you. The media wondered why STYX of all companies started releasing a bunch of free games to download. The only thing they charged money for was the soundtrack, where all of the proceeds went to mental health and suicide prevention programs.

All the time he spent on his computer was him testing every game you had and adjusting them to work on these world’s devices with ease. Occasionally when he got to a game you especially adored, he would add a few features that he remembered you mentioning wishing were in it before uploading them. Each game's credits had you listed in them as one of the creators as well.

When he wanted to take a break, he ended up playing his new favorite game, Skate 3. He didn’t necessarily care about the gameplay however, rather it was a feature he learned about only after you died. Even when your friends were offline, their character would occasionally appear and skate with you. It was the only way he could ever hope of playing with you again, and every time he finds your character, he pretends that for a moment you are in your dorm on your couch hopping on with him.

He still on occasion opens your other games and cares for your Animal Crossing island, your Minecraft dog, or crops in Stardew Valley. Ortho would also occasionally play one of those multiplayer games with him too like Mario Party, Halo, Terraria, or Smash Bros. Ortho was mourning you as well, you were like another big sibling to them. He would still play the Minecraft world you all shared and visit your house, adding decorations to it as he progresses to include you in a way.

The kid hated whenever someone misinterpreted his brother's actions, often passionately correcting before getting emotional over the thought of what he was doing. He's preserving them, but why did he have to do so already? They were so young.

Idia was on the last few games he needed to upload. He looked over at one of the first games you introduced him to, an emulation of Mario Kart Wii.

“Yeah it’s pretty old but it’s pretty nostalgic to me. I used to play it with my family all the time! It’s one of my favorites! I managed to move all my ghost data onto here too! Still, hold the record!” You beamed proudly as you showed the two brothers. “Ah, you appreciate oldies too huh?” Yuu nods. “If only I downloaded more before I came here. I think you would have loved some of the classic games we had.”

Idia loaded up the game with you, hooking up your device to the big screen in his room so you could all play. Ortho grabbed his favorite controller, and you all chose your characters to race as. Sure, you had the home-field advantage, but he’s played tons of racing games before! He has this in the bag.

The pair never stood a chance. With every map, you seemed to know a perfect shortcut, a perfect glitch, a perfect setup to always come out in first place. Even when the two said you had to play fair and you complied, you still easily beat them both while humming the music under your breath. Yet despite the frustration, it was still fun, especially since you included Ortho in everything as well.

Idia loaded up the game again, for old time's sake. He didn’t put much thought into the map or character he chose, he was too busy imagining that day you all were together, laughing and exchanging the things you loved. Rainbow Road was loaded up, the hardest track in the game and your favorite one, he remembered how much you laughed at his misery when he played on it. A few extra carts appear in the track that weren't the bots he was playing against, they were translucent much like ghosts, and had names over each one.

One of them he recognized as yours. As he began, he saw the ghost carts glided across the road. It was then he realized that these were the previous top three records that were saved. Idia wasn’t thinking, as his competitive streak overtook him. In the very first round, he beat the one in third place, putting in his name ‘Gloomurai’. He played a few more times, each time optimizing his route and techniques to get faster with each run. He’d even watch your racer’s techniques so he could copy.

After what felt like hours, he finally beat your character's time, and mentally celebrated when the option to put in his name popped up. The small smile on his face suddenly faded for a moment as he thought back to what you said. “I used to play with my family all the time!” You said. “It’s one of my favorites!”

Idia’s hands shook. When you showed him this game, it was obvious you adored it. He even caught you playing it by yourself a lot. Those other names, were they your family? Your friends? The realization hit him. This wasn’t your favorite game just because of nostalgia, it was because you still play with your family.

All those other ghosts he beat, they drove the exact same route, the exact same way your loved ones did and he overwrote them, and now, he overwrote you on your favorite route. Not only did he get rid of you, but he got rid of the only trace you had of your old life. Panicking, Idia dove into the files of the game, looking through everything he could see if there was any way he could save your data, frantically scanning each line of code. He knew the answer in his head though, the minute that box popped up, it was deleted instantly.

Idia suddenly stopped, clenching his fists. He didn’t care that your ghost was probably on other tracks. That one was your favorite one. He got rid of you. He got rid of you on your favorite game. The sadness finally caught up to him, he was too exhausted to keep coding at this point.

“Idia?” Ortho called into his shared room with his brother. “Idia? Your heart rate is acting up on my scanner—“ Ortho creaked open the door to see his brother with his head in his hands, violently sobbing. “They’re gone.” He mutters. “They’re gone.” Ortho shut the door behind him, floating over to where his brother was, and pulls him down to hug him. “It's okay,” the boy soothes. “They still live in you.”

[worriedvision]

The married life - Alhaitham

This takes place in a universe where it’s in genshin, but Alhaitham’s a CEO instead of a scribe. Gender neutral reader, this will have many parts. angst, initially only the reader has feelings for Alhaitham (this is not reciprocated).

--

You were in a secret relationship with Alhaitham, a good friend of yours. Neither of you wanted things to be public, and for a good while this worked out fine. To the public eye, you two were merely friends. Nothing special, no spark, and you worked together solely as business partners. 

Behind closed doors? You two were never really that intimate. You always loved him, you were ashamed to admit considering he didn’t seem to return this sentiment. The most you got from him was him allowing you to hug him, and even then it was rather rare. The moments you did hug him, however, more than made up for this. You didn’t know if it was your mind playing games, but it was like you could feel him returning your feelings. Of course, he never confirmed or denied this so you didn’t dare make another more.

Alhaitham never showed an interest in meeting other people. In fact, more often than not he always hated the mandatory meetings he had to go along to. The businessmen that only thought of instant profit as opposed to a better overall plan for their success in the future and the odd person trying to hit on him.

His roommate couldn’t help but laugh at his misery when he rambled about these problems of his. The man had a lot of people to choose from, why not just go out and find someone? Well, Kaveh knew Alhaitham wasn’t one for getting to know people better, and he also understood that given his prestige he wouldn’t be able to trust that the person wouldn’t be with him for purely monetary reasons. 

However, Alhaitham was very close with you. Behind closed doors, that was. Alhaitham cuddled up with you, something Kaveh didn’t think was possible for him. Kaveh was surprised that someone like you was happy with ignoring your obvious feelings for your dear friend in public, and he didn’t understand exactly why Alhaitham was so awkward. He vividly remembers one conversation you had in Alhaithams house, Kaveh in his room eavesdropping and hearing you both talking.

“Alhaitham, can I tell you something?” You ask, Alhaitham nodding as he sits across from you. “I think you’re a very attractive man.” You begin, clearly building up the courage to confess you love him. Kaveh slowly opens the door, watching as he decides to see what was happening. You were looking down at your hands, trying to figure out the words you wished to say. His heart ached to see you so vulnerable, and he rooted for you to act on these feelings one day.

Unfortunately, that day was not the day.

“I know.” Alhaitham states matter-of-factly. He didn’t even bother looking up at you, turning the page in his book as he took a sip of his tea. You, on the other hand, widened your eyes in surprise that he cut off your confession to him. 

“Oh, good.” You trail off, shocked at the reply. You weren’t fishing for a compliment or anything, but he didn’t even try to be humble about it.  You clear your throat, rubbing the back of your neck as you look away uncomfortably as Alhaitham continued reading his book.

“You could always wear a simple wedding band.” Kaveh states. 

“I fail to see the argument for that.” Alhaitham responds, looking right at his annoying roommate. “I do not have a partner, and even if I did I would have to demonstrate who I was married to for that plan to work, no?”

“Well...I have got an idea.” Kaveh starts, Alhaitham rolling his eyes before listening to him. “You are awfully close to _, right? Surely you could give them a ring, one that has, say... diamonds and emeralds?”

“You must be joking.” Alhaitham spits out, Kaveh shaking his head no.

“Emeralds suit your vision, and diamonds compliment the emerald. Gold would be a good base for the ring. Oh, and I would recommend a statement emerald that cannot be ignored.” Kaveh goes all out. He doesn’t know if Alhaitham will agree with him, but he was doing this for the sake of seeing how far he would go for you.

“I would only like a simple wedding band for myself.” Alhaitham hums out in thought. “However...I could get an extravagant ring for _... as long as they are alright with wearing such a piece.” 

“For you? I’m sure they’d wear anything.” Kaveh states. 

“What do you mean by that?” Alhaitham asks, raising a brow.

“I’ll let you figure that one out. Regardless, the choice is yours.” Kaveh rounds off, standing up. “You could always put out a statement describing your discomfort with so many people being interested in you.”

--

You were worried to say the least when Alhaitham told you to come over, stating it was an emergency. You were fearful his business had gone bankrupt, perhaps someone screwed him over? All that was on your mind was comforting your friend and long time crush, so you got his favourite wine and some binge foods before heading over.

You knock on the door, Alhaitham opening it with a relaxed look. 

“I came as soon as I got the letter.” You explain, placing the wine and food down on the nearest table before turning to face Alhaitham. You see him kneeling down, and you assume he’s tying his shoes. Rather odd, given he didn’t have any shoelaces on his footwear. “What can I help you with tonight?” 

Alhaitham stands up, pulling out a small box as he faces you. He opens the box, revealing a beautiful ring. As Kaveh suggested, it was a statement ring that embodied what you saw in Alhaitham.

“I want you to act as my spouse.” Alhaitham begins, once again factually. “I won’t ask for any paperwork to be filled in. You will wear this ring, if you agree to do so, and I will wear this wedding band. This does not mean we can become public, neither of us are ready for this yet.”

This was what a proposal should not have been. No feelings involved, no love, and you still had to hold back from cuddling him. You hadn’t even kissed him once, and you felt like you were only going to cause harm for yourself if you agreed to this. It was clear that he was simply fed up with the constant pick up lines and people asking him out on a date. You were somewhat glad he thought you would be the best candidate for being his fake spouse, but your chest hurt with the yearning for this to be a real thing.

Kaveh had been watching around the corner, and he felt similar sentiments. You deserved someone who loves you, someone who didn’t treat you like a business transaction. He knew you were clinging onto the hope that this could possibly become a public relationship where Alhaitham would be happy to be known as your partner, but he didn’t get any indication from Alhaitham that any of this was real. You always initiated the cuddling, Alhaitham seemed strange every time he agreed to these cuddles.

“This ring, it’s beautiful.” You gasp, stopping yourself from adding in ‘just like you’. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? This must be pricey, surely?”

“Consider it part of the agreement.” Alhaitham brushes off.  You glance over at the wine, suddenly feeling like you needed to drink it in one go by yourself instead of giving the drink to Alhaitham. the word ‘agreement’ certainly told you that Alhaitham didn’t feel anything for you at this point, and you had known him for too long for this to magically change. One last look at the ring, and you tell yourself to pretend you’re happy with the situation.

“...Very well.” You nod, slowly seeing the ring now resting on your ring finger. “I accept.”

[macabremayhem]

Ahem. How can I start the conversation? OK, I'll try. How do you do, fellow humans?

Tonight I would like to talk about the setting of the Arcana game. Or, more specifically, its atmosphere, about background illustrations that people usually don't notice and/or don't usually talk about.

I love the Arcana background CGs so much. To be honest, those CGs are what got me into the game.

A little story: 4 or 5 years ago I saw an advertisement of the Arcana for the first time. And when I saw those ads on Instagram, it was so horrible and tasteless, imho. These cringe ads rather repelled me instead of attracting me. I saw it and forgot about it, but then…

Some time later, I started looking for background references for my text-based roleplay and found some beautiful illustrations. I didn't use these illustrations for my text roleplay. Besides, I soon forgot about my roleplay. :D and, in Google, I looked at the descriptions under the illustrations I found: "the Arcana game". I was intrigued. Then I downloaded the game. A few moments later I remembered those stupid ads, but I decided to take a chance.

And then, after the Prologue, I was absolutely fascinated. It had nothing in common with those commercials. The game itself was more beautiful than I'd ever imagined. And here I am :D and here we are.

Back to the background graphics. I am personally humbled and grateful to the original artists for these backgrounds. We love the characters – there's no doubt about that. But this setting and atmosphere wouldn’t be what it is without these illustrations.

I usually refer to photos that I think have "the same vibe" or "this place fits the world of Arcana" when I want to expand the world of the game on my own. Like headcanons, fanfiction, et cetera, you know.

Next I would like to show my selection of such photos. All photos from Instagram, not the Pinterest, as this is the most convenient method of attribution.

And all of these images, you know, I am NOT using for any commercial purposes. Crediting is in the order of the images.

⏬

Okay, let's go. It's not that I'm HCing any specific locations. I can only give a very rough idea of the "location area". You'll see the notes, I hope. Credits and links below. Credits are clickable.

graciousopulence (the main source)

1. clivenichols

2. nationaltrust*

3. bonvoyagecleo

4. gamma_f

5. rcmccloskey

6. designboom*

7. amarosanchezdemoya

8. curly.beard

There are some images that conjure up more specific associations for me.

© devonchurchland*

To be honest, this photo became the indirect reason for this post.

I saw this today and the theme song from the game immediately started playing in my head (can you guess which one?). At the same time, I remembered some of the scenes that take place in our storyline. A lot of the action takes place in the Temple District. Just because… why not? especially when you and your co-author are historians obsessed with religion, lol.

I imagined this picture very vividly:

One of the churches in the Temple District. Silence. Julian sitting in an empty church, deep in thought. Watching how the strip of light from the stained glass window slowly creeping across the floor and the benches, then how the flames of the candles flickering.

He reflects and looks away, shyly, from the instruments of passions and the images of martyrs.

No, he is not religious at all. Just... impressionable. He is only impressionable in that he probably thinks most of the time that he has not yet been struck by lightning because of his impure intentions. Poor boy… 🫀

Ahem. Sorry. I think I got carried away. :D Just look at this last item.

© dumbartonoaks*

Leave your comments and share your thoughts, requests, etc. Ask is open.

[theagstd]

One Night Stand ; 18

➥ rundown ; as if the unexpected twist of a one-night stand turning out to be your CEO boss wasn't surreal enough, the situation takes a more challenging turn when both of you discover that you're expecting his child.

→ genre ; enemies to lovers | CEO au | pregnancy trope | slowburn

→ Jungkook x y/n

→ contains smut, fluff and angst

→ Chapter eighteen ; wc | 3.5 k

primarily on Wattpad

index ⇢ next chapter

you thought he would say something of that sort, didn't you?  he did not. In fact, it was far from what he was actually gonna say. his hold was still tight around your wrist, even when you tried to move away from him.

"I'm here for a reason y/n-" he doesn't say what you thought he would. Instead, he speaks,

"i want to be involved in this as much as you do." You turn around to look at his face after he speaks those words. Does he want to be involved? Since when? The look on your face expresses the emotions and voices in your head because Jungkook sighs. He can tell that it's not something he says. It's definitely not something you hear from him.

"I really want to clear things between us, can we? keep aside our anger issues and just speak, just today?"

'This is so unlike him,' you think to yourself as he murmurs his speech. you turn to face him fully and examine his face to find any trace of lies or maybe even a prank. but you found none. "I'm being honest. Can we? okay, at least let me speak.

Clear the shit I've done." You nod. There is a lot of shit that he's done, and you need to know why he did all that back in Paris. he follows you to the couch and you both take a seat, the personal distance between the two of you shows that you both aren't comfortable with each other yet, although it's been more than 2 months living under the same roof.

Jungkook seems nervous. What happened back at Paris was all about Taehyung, and that takes him back to the past. the past that's hidden in a cage that he's thrown away from his life. He's got to open it now to talk about it all. He trusts you, does to a certain level, and since this involves you, he's left with no choice but to open up. "go on." You mutter, and he hums in exchange as he breaks his finger knuckles and tries to form it all inside his head before speaking.

"what i did back there was wrong. I admit it. I was not in the right state of mind." He voices out his actions as he tries to rectify the mistake he made back in the hotel. you look at him while he stares at the ground, certainly avoiding eye contact from you. It lets him concentrate better because each time he looks into your eyes, not in your eyes. into your eyes. He loses his words, and he forgets everything.

almost like his eyes can see a different world in yours and like your eyes can see right through him. it's funny how Jungkook feels that way when he's only ever looked into your eyes once. That was past 6 months now, but he still remembers that feeling vividly. and he wishes he could fall into the depths into the oceans of your golden amber eyes. "I've honestly got no idea why I reacted like that, but Taehyung and I shared a bad past, and I just didn't want him to hurt you."

his eyes flicker to yours. He notices the way your eyebrows furrowed with the tilt of your head. "What do you mean, hurt me? Why would he hurt me?" Jungkook was waiting for you to question him. He knew that was coming, so he prepared himself to answer it.

"I'm not gonna go into details, but be manipulates most women for his own advantage in many ways for many reasons. In fact, I'm not sure if he still does, but I assume so, i just didn't want to take the risk." You see the fidgeting in his fingers and the couple of gulps he does time to time, as well as his jaw clenching.

he's uncomfortable in this conversation and wants it to end. You figured it, so you sighed and stood on your feet. It's better to leave it and not unfold the past anymore. "I get it, but that does not justify your behaviour."

"I know, and I apologise for my behaviour. It's not acceptable. i'm- i'm sorry." he immediately verbalises. you know he is because he's got a sincere look on his face, his eyes look round and bigger. oh, his eyes speak so much that his words don't convey. "I forgive you, I'm sorry for my behaviour too. I was disrespectful."

The way you threw away those $1300 heels in front of his face and stormed out, even said a couple of hurtful words. but that did not make him mad. It didn't hurt him. What hurt him was his own thoughts, his own mind. His own self had a thought that the child is possibly Taehyung's and not his own. that hurt him.

that made him angry, and it still does, only much sadder now that you're back after a checkup. "Hey, that's fine, it wasn't a big deal." He whispers for which you nod. "Is this sorted?" "Of course." You mumble. you take a few minutes to think through what's in your mind, and then you ask him. "I wanna go home. Can you drop me at my apartment?"

he looks at you concerned if he'd still hurt you or made you feel less invited at his place, you recognise that look and shake your head. "No, no, it's all sorted. It's not because of you. i- i just miss being in my apartment."

He doesn't want to force you anymore, so he gives a short nod, and you smile at him. As you are about to walk upstairs, the little pup runs to your feet and circles around you for affection. you bend down and pet his head. "Hey boy, come up with me. Come on." He follows you to your bedroom while Jungkook watches the two of you.

He heaves a sigh, thankful that he cleared things out, but he's not happy with you leaving. He understands that you miss your own space, but he doesn't like it. If you ask him, he's not gonna know why he doesn't like it. maybe he has his answers, but he doesn't want to think it is the right answer. he fucked up.

Why would you suddenly want to go home? You looked comfortable here. He grabs his stuff and walks to his room, places them on his bed, and changes his shirt to an oversized t-shirt. He realised you took longer than what he expected, so he decided to check on you. the door was wide open, yet he knocked on it.

"come in." He hears you say, so he walks in once he's gotten your permission. Jungkook sees the suitcase as you try to close it up. Bam sits on your bed, looking at you with his big eyes, wondering what's happening now. Jungkook wants to ask you what's all this, then he realises that you probably want to shift back. This makes him sad. "Taking everything back?"

you look at him from above your shoulder and shake your head.. "Not everything, just some of them." this lights him up. Some of them are not all of them, which means that you're not taking all your belongings. He smiles a short-lived smile and then helps you with the stuff. He sees you petting him, giving him kisses and whispering that you're sorry and how you want him to accompany you.

"i'm not sure when i'll be back, but come visit me, Bammie. I'll be waiting for you, mm." You mumble with the biggest pout on your face while the pup licks your nose and makes you giggle. Jungkook watches the two of you. He thinks how good it must feel to feel love. but he's sure that it isn't written for him.

-

The drive was quiet but you had a smile on your face, happy that you're finally getting back to your little apartment although Jungkook's place was definitely much bigger, comfortable and had everything you needed but your place is your place, no mansion can fulfil that space you've created. Jungkook carries the baggage since you're not supposed to lift any weight,

so he waits while you unlock the door to your apartment. you switch on all the lights, and he places the bags on the doorstep and then brings the other bags too, leaving them at the doorstep. you walk out of your room, now with an oversized t-shirt, since that shirt was irritating your skin. He looks at you for a while. You notice him standing by the entrance.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" he didn't want to say no, he wanted to spend more time here, so he said sure and walked inside as you closed the door and led him to the couch. Jungkook doesn't look around, although his eyes try to. It's your personal space, so he doesn't want to put his eyes on your stuff.

but he does notice how weird your kitchen looks. "Where's your kitchen?" he asks, and you turn to look at him with raised eyebrows. "uh- i'm standing in my kitchen." his crease deepens as his lips part. He doesn't know if he wants to laugh or just cry at this point.

"You call that a kitchen? Why do you have one stove, and where do you store your ingredients? Why is it so small?" Jungkook speaks fast, confused. You can see the way he tilts his head and how his eyes look around in the hope of figuring out what the hell he's looking at. you roll your eyes and lean on the wall with your arms crossed. "I don't know how to cook, so I didn't need a whole ass kitchen for no reason."

"Okay, but do you even eat? Where's the essentials? where is the salt, pepper, and sugar-" "they're in the drawer, why would i need more spices when i don't even cook-" "What did you survive on then?"

you grow closer to him, offended by his words, while Jungkook watches you in disbelief. "There's a convenience store right down the lane?" "You're telling me you eat every single meal every single day from the convenience store?" "Well, yeah?" "Oh my god."

Jungkook closes his eyes and leans back on the couch as he takes deep breaths. "What? the convenience store has everything, i don't just eat ramen, come on." "you think anything in the convenience store is okay?" You fumble with your arms and give him a stupid look. 'Why did I tell him?' "The food is good and the sandwiches are great-" "You think they're good?"

"I mean they are fresh-" "y/n they're not healthy! you think they specially prepare some absolutely fresh sandwiches with just plucked tomatoes and beautiful green lettuce. bullshit. they make it days if not weeks before."

Jungkook stands now. The distance between the two of you gets shorter while you two bicker. "There's an expiry date for a reason!" "My foot, you're not surviving on old packaged food and certainly not instant food. I'll be bringing you breakfast, lunch, and dinner until you get back home with me."

"Sure!" You fold your arms and bring them to your chest, looking at him with  frown and pursed lips. you can't say no to Jungkook's food. It tastes heavenly you won't deny. "You don't seem like you've got even a mouse here-" "i've not been here for over 2 months now. Of course,  i won't have anything or anyone!"

he nods and folds his arms too, his head holding up high while his eyes look at yours. the 7-inch difference between the two of you shows as you look up to keep your eyes on his. "You need some snacks." "definitely!" "we need to get you all sorts of snacks." "absolutely!" you answer back as you both need each time you guys end a word or sentence. "We need a lot of snacks. supply for 2 years!" "too much-" "just perfect!" "fine." "done. Yes, now leave-" "Where's my coffee?" "I've not got any milk, you stupid!" "Then why ask me?" "cause- that's just being nice-"

you look at him, but your eyes look around while you put the corners of your inner cheeks. your hands are up, showing him that, duh, everyone asks that even to the most hated gossip relatives you don't even wanna look at. He tries to keep his serious face but fails when he notices your cheeks getting red in embarrassment, so he laughs, confusing you.

"What?" You ask him, he walks closer to you, uses his index finger to bop your nose, you blinked and scrunched your nose in response to his action. "Let's restock your items." you groaned and followed him to his car, you're waiting to jump into bed and get a good sleep, it's been a while since you've met your bed and you're eager to get into it.

Jungkook seems to be in a good mood. He's relieved that the two of you have solved that uncomfortable tension and made it all clear. he likes the peace in between the two of you like now, you're looking out the window admiring the gleaming street lights and how its getting quieter as the people on the road now drive back home to their families to get a good night's sleep. Jungkook stops at the supermarket and follows you inside. "snacks..."

you whisper under your breath, which he caught immediately. "First essentials, ma'am. That way." he points at the fresh produce where the beautiful, colourful variety of fruits sits on their baskets above their names inside the plastic tag. you sigh and walk beside him. You just want some snacks. You like fruits too, but you're excited to choose from all those bags of chips with over 20 different choices.

It's such a pleasure. The man grabs a couple of clear plastic bags and checks the apples and pears if they are fresh and not rotten. He squeezes it to examine its insides and drops about 10 of each. places a few packs of strawberries, cherries and blueberries that actually look so good, you can feel your mouth drooling.

Jungkook's fridge had a couple of fruits but not berries, so looking at them, you just wanna make a mixed berry oatmeal or whatever out of them. "There, the fruits are done, now dairy." He doesn't wait for you, neither does he even look for you.

He dumps some butter and a couple of cheese;  feta, and cheddar. "I want the triangle ones." You mumble, and he turns to look at you, giving you a soft smile he takes a few and puts it in the cart along with some greek yoghourts and fresh milk.

"we just have to grab some bread, and the essentials are done." "Now, can we go to the snacks." You whine, and he shakes his head like he's done. "go ahead." He mutters, and you whisper a yay and waddle your way to the snacks area. He notices how big the belly is. You can't even hide it anymore. it's out there. everyone can see it, and it looks gorgeous for you.

you carry the bump so well, he's amazed. He follows you and watches you choose which one to grab as you pout and frown, reading the names of all the flavours. "I'm not letting you buy the whole stock here, so just grab a couple of them." "That's my choice, Mr. Jeon!" "i'm paying for it." "Well, cut them from my salary!"

again, that line, you barely work. you do, but not every day, and he doesn't even count it as salary anymore. The money he gives you isn't anyway gonna pay for everything he's paid for you. and he's doing this because he wants to know because he has to. He likes it. he scoffs with a goofy smile on his face while you take a few packets in your arms. "That ones too spicy."

"it's fine, I'll try it." You dump 10 packets of different Cheetos and other crisps that you enjoy then when you were about to walk away disappointed because you didn't get exactly what you wanted. but then you notice the pizza flavoured Pringles tins on the shelves, inside. most of them were gone, so it wasn't at the front.

your eyes sparkled, and your entire face beamed. soon you reach out to grab it, but you couldn't. The last few were inside the shelf. He sees you trying to hunt for it, your short hands unable to reach it. "Calm down, tiger, let me get it for you." he lets you move aside and grabs a tin for you. "I need one more." You say, and he nods and gets the last one. "this all?"

nodding back at him. There's a huge smile pasted on your face. It's so wide, he's never seen you smile like that before. He smiles too, watching you smile.

Jungkook gets a few buns and a loaf of bread and then waits by the cashier. you stand beside him like a little kid, waiting to get hold of the chips. "Why are you smiling like that?" he questions, and you soon take off the smile and bring back your straight face. "Hey no, i'm not gonna say something rude." You give him the side eye and then speak, "i was craving for the pringles all day." he frowns and then it makes sense why you were super excited to go to the snack section, looking for it with those droopy eyes and a sad pout then you shined after getting the two tins inside the cart.

"You could've told me before, would've gotten some in the morning." "It's fine, I got them now."

"Let me know when you want something again, don't hesitate." "Sure." You whisper, and he takes the bags in his hands and lets you walk to his car. he'd be lying if he says he's not sad about it, he wants you to ask him, tell him, inform him. he may not be very interested but he's willing to be helpful moreover he wants you to come to him. for anything. He wants to feel included in anything, even if it's for a bag of chips.

you both get to the apartment, and he helps you with the stuff. it's quite late, the clock strikes 10.45. even after you denied a million times, he helped you arrange the stuff inside the fridge and organised everything to help you. "Thanks." You say while he washes his hands in the sink and then wipes it with the hand towel.

"No problem." You stand there, feeling grateful for all the help he's offered. He's done all these without asking you, and he's happy doing it. You can see it on his face. but you know that you don't appreciate him as much as you should. "i mean it Jungkook, thanks." he turns to face you, closes his lips tight, and nods. "I'm glad to help." He mumbles and walks to the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow then. I will drop you some breakfast before I get to the office." "you don't have to, i've got eggs and brea-" "i will come by, so have your breakfast. okay?" "okay Mr Jeon." He smiles, looks at his feet, his eyes wander around the place not knowing how he should leave now, just like that? "uh- so I'll get going."

"Sure." he wants to look at you, but he doesn't know how, so he continues to look everywhere, where you stand there and watch his face with confusion. "Do you need something?" "Uh no, i was just about to leave. uh, bye- i mean, i'll see you soon." "Yeah, i'll see you too." "okay- close the door." "yeah bye." you close the door and lock it, he sighs and looks at the ground, walks back to his car. He doesn't know why he feels so... he doesn't know what it is.

The drive was quiet, and so was the house. Bam, greeted him with a few barks. Surely he was looking for you as his barks didn't stop, he walked to the door but he didn't see you anywhere. the pup realises that you didn't come back home. "she'll be back in a  few days Bam-ah. I'll take you to her place tomorrow,

okay?" Jungkook pets the dog's head and puts his dinner before heading upstairs. He's lived most of his life by himself, especially in this house. Despite the fact that arguing with you tends to be draining and frustrating and he prefers to be alone, but today, he feels lonely.

next chapter ⇢

[laeana]

Pecco & Jorge's dynamics at the Australian GP

(me trying to put my "expert" 🤓 glasses on and overanalyzing what happened? more than likely. you're free not to read and just enjoy the gifs as well!)

Cool room in Australia

Preface would be to say that of course Jorge and Pecco have different dynamics. You could think that they don't regret no longer having a relationship, but their past friendship, and the fact that they have known each other well, probably played a role in how their championship rivalry is right now. There's no animosity, they joke and chat a lot.

We know Jorge to be very talkative, and pretty chatty, and as we could see in their previous interactions, he's often the one that talks the most whenever they're together, but Pecco listens to him, or even adds to the conversation, they often try to debrief their races together. What's more rare is the opposite of that happening, namely, Pecco talking the most and trying to engage the most, searching for Jorge's attention, which is something that I found to be happening in Australia's cool room.

As we can see in his gestures, Pecco is really trying to interact with Jorge here, he's trying to show him what happened to Marc, despite the fact that Marc is explaining it, he even makes hand and body gestures (which I found cute tbh).

He also tries to engage in the conversation. Jorge and Marc battled for most of the race, so they are very chatty with each other, which can be seen as unusual. Most of the time when Jorge and Pecco are together in a cool room, it can create a lot of thirdwheeling situation for the third person, but here it's far from the case. Hence Pecco trying to talk about himself and to take the focus, his body stays turned toward Jorge, and not toward Marc.

Here another example where Pecco intervened to also talk about his own race. His body is still slightly turned toward Jorge, and Jorge does pay attention to what he's saying.

And the last one about this cool room, where Pecco more explicitely shows that he's trying to get Jorge's attention, turning his head toward him as he's speaking and gesturing, and they truly talk for a bit (it's Jorge who says "it was incredible", not Pecco for example).

Now, Pecco could have ignored the talk or just shrugged it off, but he tried to monopolize the attention, and not just anyone's, but Jorge's. It's typically a case where their dynamics are reversed, and it really shows how they do still care about each other's, about interacting, despite "no longer having relationship".

Pre press conference (post race)

In terms of interactions, their relationship uses a lot of teasing, a lot of moments where they test the limit of whatever they call what they have now (I guess the most accurate would be rivalry as they fight for the championship, but it does feel weird when you compliment your rival H24 about his skills and else *side eyes at Jorge*).

The teasing is mostly done by Jorge, as he's more of an extrovert, but Pecco can also answer to it. In general, Pecco shows more of care about Jorge in the way he keeps information about him or his races. You can, however, see some longing in the way they act toward each other.

The way Jorge is so leaning forward, attentive to what Pecco is saying, and the way it makes them both smile and laugh about what they’re saying, is another example of how they get along well. You'd almost think that their friendship was never lost in those extracts, and yet it's two men who aren't supposed to be even friends.

It's debrief in a similar way that they couldn't do before. But we can see that Pecco still vividly remember what corner Jorge was wide, and Jorge just admits to it. In general from Jorge's gestures here, or even Pecco's gestures before, we can see that they're pretty expressive in terms of body language whenever they're talking (read: yapping) at each other. The conversation started with Marc, but it's an instance where he somehow ends up in the background while the both of them are focused mainly on each other. It also appears to me that Jorge is waiting for Pecco to be ready and then clap his hand (not his ass this time).

Press conference (post race)

So like we could establish before, they are seeking for the limits of the non relationship that they now have, but they also often try to reaffirm if the other still cares about them by asking questions, doing teasing, or simply interacting.

The next gifs show how they both are trying to tread on their relationship cautiously, to get some attention, in different ways. First Pecco and then Jorge.

The conversation starts between Jorge and Marc about where Jorge is going. We can see that Pecco is moving his head to try to see Jorge better but also to establish eyes contact with him. The fact Marc is in between them is a bit of an obstacle, we can also observe that he tries to talk first but only manages to ask his question after this. He stares pretty long at Jorge, his attention directly went to him, and to what he just said. (If I was going further, I'd say he almost stares at him longingly, waiting to be seen, waiting to be able to grab Jorge's attention and to redirect the conversation.)

It's an interesting scene as well. So first Pecco finally manages to ask his question and to get Jorge's attention. Then he says "careful hey" but when Jorge doesn't get it, and he even leans forward to listen to Pecco, showing his interest for him, Pecco changes what he said and tells him that he'll get there quickly. I've been trying to ponder on why he would change what he said, it's nothing scandalous, nothing that had to be changed. There's no apparent reason, so I'm going to mostly interpret it. The way he looks, a vacant look, makes it appear like he isn't thinking much about what he's saying, maybe that he didn't even mean to say that out loud. Him telling Jorge to be careful does seem like he cares about him, but it doesn't seem like it was his intention for it to be heard. When Jorge goes "huh?", Pecco's eyes immediately snaps to him, in an almost frantic manner and he blurts out something else, like he can't be this vulnerable to him. He doesn't know if he can be this vulnerable to him, admit so freely he cares, when he doesn't know where their relationship stands at.

Jorge is notably afraid of heights, and he confesses his fear of doing so. However I’m uncertain whether Pecco knows about it, as we don’t know when Jorge developed this fear and it could have been after their moto3 years. When he said he's scared of going by helicopter, Pecco doesn't seem to believe him, he seems to think he's teasing/mocking him, with the way he shakes his head in disbelief with a smile. With Jorge's body language, the way he's leaned forward, you can guess that he meant to tell that in particular to Pecco. He has no real reasons to go on about how he's scared of height, but with the way he's looking at Pecco, you can clearly think that he's trying to get a reaction out of him, to interact with him but also to see him show some concern. However with the tone with which he brings it, with humor, while slightly laughing to deflect it, as he doesn't want the topic to be too heavy, it also fails to convey seriousness to his words.

In this last bits of discussion, Jorge is very dramatic. He's playing on his own fear of heights within it. But he also chooses to use it in a way that he can bring back to what his current relationship with Pecco is composed of, namely the championship. So he asks Pecco if he'd die, would he let him win. We can see that Pecco is confused by the question, and Jorge details it by saying that he wouldn't race, and Pecco goes no! in a what are you even talking about kind of way, a smile on his face. Now you may wonder why Jorge is bringing that up. We've seen how earlier, he tried to get a reaction from Pecco, hoping for him to show some concern. It's somewhat similar here, it's almost a "do you still care about me enough" wrapped under jokes and dramatization. "Do I still count enough for you to let me win it if I die? Am I still in your thoughts and in your heart enough so that if something that dramatic would happen, taking away any chance of reconciliation, you'd do that for me?" The body language is also pretty interesting here. Although we can see Marc is in the middle of them, he is slighty out of it, as the conversation ended up being about the two of them. Jorge even adjusts his position so he can slightly turn his body, and his head is entirely turn to his left, eyes on Pecco. And Pecco's head is turned toward Jorge, with his eyes totally on him as well, and when he turns his head back in front of him, the conversation ends.

My take from all of this

Pecco and Jorge are of course pretty different in terms of personality. Despite it all, they were able of forming a strong bond during their years when they were teammates in moto3, although that friendship has withered through time. So how do you go from a time where they would even share a bed to one where they aren't even close? Jorge said that it's mainly because of the separation (so a probable lack of effort to bridge the gap).

I do find it a bit weird that it's supposedly the only cause, because I feel like you don't fall out this intensely from someone you used to get along so well, without something bigger happening.

Plus, we can see that even as of now, they still get along well. Despite the fact that they are rivals, they aren't hateful toward each other, they aren't annoyed by each other or getting pissed every weekend.

More than that, we can see that they interact a lot, talk a lot, debrief their races together, tend to make whoever is on the podium with them third wheel, and we can observe that they seek each other's attention, to the point where their dynamics can reverse, and what you'd expect less (Pecco taking the initiative, imposing himself in the conversation, trying to get Jorge to talk with him) happens as well.

They still care for each other; hints of bitterness or of fondness in their tones, teasing, jokes, trying to gauge where their relationship is at and if there are still some feelings, or not at all.

They really do seem like they're missing each other, but do not know how to overcome what their relationship has become, so they try to live with it, finding familiarity in the ways they can interact.

[moonlight0934]

Safe/Unsafe

Bakugo has always had a rough relationship with his teachers. The ones in middle school never really paid much attention, and he was fine with that. In fact it was the way he got away with a lot of things. However, they also never noticed the increasing number of bruises he came in with, or how his mother would hold his arm a little too tightly in parent-teacher conferences.

No one ever seemed to know when he didn’t come into school, or if he was holding himself differently. If he couldn’t put weight on one leg, or if he wrote with his non-dominant hand. Then Bakugo went to UA, which was his dream. There were lots of teachers, ones that he interacted with in a lot of different ways.

Midnight

Bakugo couldn’t even stand to be around her after the sports festival, so he ended up ditching her class for the first week. When he finally does go back, Midnight gives him a critical look, and tells him to stay after class. So, he stays glued to his seat until they’re alone. His eyes dart around, unsure of what to think.

“Were you avoiding me?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I think you know the answer to that.”

I’m not safe. Move, get out of here right now.

“You’re being dramatic. You know that it’s my job to keep my students safe, and you weren’t calming down. You should know that there was nothing else for me to do.”

Bakugo hums.

“Are you listening?”

“Yes, but we’re not going to agree on this. You did what you did, and I did what I did. Now, are you going to punish me for not showing up, or can I go?”

“You’re acting like a toddler. It’s immature to ignore someone because you’re unhappy.”

Bakugo sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Ok, well I’m here now. So, can you just punish me if you want to. Otherwise, I’m leaving.”

“Detention, but not for skipping my class. It’s because you’re being rude and aggressive. I have no way of proving you weren’t actually not feeling well, which was your excuse. So, I’m going to let it slide this time.”

Bakugo scoffs, grabbing his bag as he stands up. He walks past, heading straight out of the room. Things don’t get better from there. His anxiety only climbs when he’s around her, and she’s not the only one. She’s just the most obvious one. He gets odd looks from Deku and Kirishima when he moves to the other side of the hall when she walks past. He doesn’t address any of the looks, or questions that he gets asked. Eventually she stops trying, even if all she was doing was demanding for him to stop being so immature.

All Might

Bakugo had looked up to All Might when he was growing up, and he thought that he was the most amazing person alive. The sports festival didn’t really change that despite the fact that he didn’t help. Then All Might went to his home with Aizawa. His anxiety hadn’t been that high in a long time. So, he did what he always does, he lashed out. His mother hit him, and he screamed back. The whole thing ends up being a blur in his memory, but he vividly remembers the worried looks from Aizawa and All Might.

Then All Might continues on like nothing happened. His faith in All Might continues to dwindle, especially as he realizes how absent All Might is from everything. He’s almost as bad as Bakugo’s middle school teachers. He turns a blind eye to everything he sees, and that’s when he’s paying enough attention to actually see it. Bakugo responds differently this time. He doesn’t use it to push those boundaries. Instead he takes it as a chance to just work with his classmates, which has been getting easier and easier more recently.

Eraserhead

No one has made Bakugo feel quite as safe as Mr. Aizawa does. He’s constantly tired, and sometimes he doesn’t have time. However, he’s always been there to make sure that all of the kids in his class are ok. Even though he also went to Bakugo’s house, and didn’t say anything then, he sat Bakugo down afterwards.

“So, what’s going on with your parents?”

“What do you mean?”

“Your mother hit you multiple times over the span of our conversation that lasted less than ten minutes. Obviously she was trying to punish you for the way you were speaking, but you had to have learned it from somewhere. Hitting a child isn’t a good way to punish them regardless, and it obviously wasn’t helping up until now. So, is that all there is to it? Is she just being stubborn about that form of punishment, or is there something you want to tell me?”

Bakugo just stares at him for a minute, wondering if this is how his life ends.

“She’s just stubborn. I mean, I had to get it from somewhere.”

“You know I can protect you, right, Bakugo?”

You’ve proved that time and time again, but I don’t know what to say. She’s my mother, and I don’t think she’s a bad person. She just does bad things.

“Yes, sir. I know you can protect me. You’ve earned my trust, and much more. I know that I’m not the most touchy feely person, but you have changed my mind about a lot of things. I want to thank you for that.”

Aizawa smiles.

“Of course. I just wanted to make sure that nothing was going on. We were all worried about you.”

Sure.

“While we’re on the subject, is everything ok with the other teachers? Some of them said that you’re not really participating in their classes, and Midnight said you’ve been standoffish with her. It’s not like you to not participate, and I was worried after the festival.”

Oh, someone actually remembers what she did.

“I guess she’s not wrong, but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”

Aizawa frowns.

“Someday, you’re going to learn that while you can deal with everything yourself, you don’t have to. That’s what parents are for, and I’m here to pick up whatever they can’t or won’t.”

Bakugo nods.

“Thank you again, sir. I appreciate it though there really isn’t anything to do about the other teachers.”

Aizawa hums.

“Well, I’ll talk to Midnight. At least get her off your case about it. You shouldn’t have to casually interact with her if you don’t want to. You can go, but feel free to come talk to me if you need anything at all.”

Bakugo nods, then walks out. That was one of the first times a teacher had ever made him feel truly safe.

[universetalkz]

Hello, my divine friend. Often growing up, and to the dismay of myself, my older sister and mother would bond over past lives and being 'old souls.' I recall vividly interrupting a conversation they were having about this, when I would rush in and try to get attention, and perhaps with a sneer deeper than was true and I imagined to he sharper, would call me someone 'new' or at least a 'new soul.' I have felt.lodt practically ever since, despite many steps forward. I only remember being hurt by it and now I fear trying new things or, revealing my true 'new' self. Do you perhaps have any advice for a 'new' soul? Or a rather, at least a lonely one, that didn't feel like she could look to the 'old' souls for guidance, as they were too busy judging her? All I have wanted is to feel like I've taken the right step forward and to be 'seen' by them. Thank you immensely for even taking the time to read this from me. With everything I have in me that means anything, namaste <3

Hello, my friend! What leads you to believe that their evaluation is correct, that you are what they claim to be a "new soul"? How does one distinguish if an individual is an old soul or a new soul? I would take this evaluation of theirs with a grain of salt. It seems as if they sense your insecurity, and sometimes when people notice insecurity in you, they prey on you for it. I want to say that I apologize that you are experiencing this and that you are feeling this way. Sometimes in this life, we get bombarded with the opinions and thoughts of others. You could be doing one million things right (although what is "right" here may be completely subjective) and there will still be people that oppose you or think you could be doing better. My point here is that, it may be easy to get discouraged by the judgement of others especially if it's your family, but you have to let their judgements roll off of your shoulders. It's not that their opinions aren't important, just that your own opinion of yourself should weigh much much more. The journey of self-love is the most important one. I think a great place to start is changing the way in which you speak to yourself in your own mind. Do you participate in a lot of negative self-talk? Are you your own worst enemy? If yes, this needs to change. The goal here is not to be "seen" by people who are judging you-- this will ALWAYS be out of your control. The control that YOU have here, is your reaction to them. You cannot make anyone think or act a certain way-- even if it really hurts, even if they are in the wrong, even if you shower them with love, and seek their approval. If you cannot change something, you always have the power to change your mindset in regards to it. There are a lot of things in life out of our control; many things out of our control are the driving forces for anxiety and depression. For example, being anxious about something that happened in the past will keep you stuck not only because it's interrupting your present moment, but because it is out of our control to change anything from the past. Changing the way your mom and sister are and how they act towards you just will not be a successful attempt...However, we teach people how to treat us by standing our ground and showing people the way we would like to be treated. All of your power is within you; you hold the key. You do not need their approval, they do not even need to like you. I know it may hurt to not receive their approval, but your opinion of yourself is far more important. I have gathered some quotes that you may find helpful in this type of situation. I apologize if my words are not of assistance; I hope I could have helped in any way. Feel free to ask me more questions; I will do my absolute best to answer authentically. Good luck on your self-love and self-discovery journey. Not everyone in this world will agree with you, and I assure you--that is more than okay...

"When you are evolving to your higher self, the road seems lonely."

"It's so freeing once you stop trying to convince people to see things from your point of view. Leave people to their perceptions. It is their choice whether they want to understand you or not."

"Everything changes when you begin to love yourself. You no longer send out energy of desperation or need to be filled from the outside. You become a powerful source within yourself that attracts better. The more you love who you are, the less you seek validation and approval."

"Do not feel the need to explain yourself. Nobody has to understand you."

“Do not take anything personally. Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”

"If you do not spend time getting to know yourself, you will end up absorbing everyone else's random and conflicting ideas about you. Knowing who you are on a very deep and intimate level is the best way to protect yourself from internalizing disempowering opinions from others."

“It is not for you to SAY who I am. It is for me to BE who I am.”

“I am not in this world to live up to your expectations and you are not in this world to live up to mine.”

It is a natural human tendency to number one, desire, and number two, to desire to be approved by others. Sometimes we lose our inner voice because we get caught up in who others think we should be. What do YOU think about yourself? Who are YOU? I remember one of my earliest revelations on my spiritual journey was evaluating which of my thoughts were my own, and which of my thoughts were just blindly accepted as my own. What do I like, instead of what people told me to like?

Pardon my language-- remember WHO THE F*** YOU ARE! Saying that personally gives me a small moment of laughter, but it also redirects me-- no one on this PLANET knows YOU better than YOU! Even your family. This does not mean that you have to cut them off or anything, but sometimes, you have to love people from a distance for the sake of your own sanity and to silence the opinions of others so that you can distinguish what is really you. This life isn't about "finding yourself" it is about "creating yourself." Become the person that you want to be. You see the way they have made you feel? Be the person that isn't like that. Be better. Rise above those that have hurt you, and recognize that you are not superior to them, you just hold no space for negativity or low vibrational emotions in your soul any longer. Forgive. You will set yourself free-- not the one you harbor negative emotion toward. PEACE & LOVE TO YOU!!! I have an exceptionally large amount of gratitude to any individual that took the time to read this. Did I help you in anyway?

Love,

Universe Talks <3

[miss-ingno]

2, 37 and 77 if they haven't already been asked :)

They haven't been! :D

2. Where do you get your fic ideas?

Inspiration strikes in different ways! Sometimes I'm just doing manual labour (or am showering because shower thoughts are the best times for fic ideas), sometimes I'm daydreaming before sleeping just spinning narratives I'm interested in. Sometimes I read a fic and expect the premise to go a certain way, before it veers of in a completely different direction, but that spark of Scene I saw coming keeps niggling in my brain until I figure out a whole new scenario to make it happen. Sometimes it's by chatting with others, rewatching certain scenes of the show, or really just. Out in the wild stuff, like watching an unrelated movie and talking to coworkers about A Thing that happened, and my brain goes Oh! This would make for a great fic moment.

And then I throw it into the ever-growing list of WIP ideas, and if it really bites I'm gonna write it sooner rather than later.

37. What fic has been the hardest for you to write?

Within Guardian? Long Night In Longcheng (dragon smut), probably. I had to cut out and rewrite so many bits of it until I threw my hands up, cut out most of it, dumped it into my snippets collection on Ao3, and rewrote almost all of the worldbuilding set-up. Conversely, the smut in What Lies In Darkness gave me more trouble while the worldbuilding just flowed, for whatever reason ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Outside of Guardian, there were a few, but the one I remember most vividly is Triple Duke Coup because I tried hard but my motivation absolutely just. Ran out. And I still feel guilty for not finishing it, especially for the people who turned up to support the fic. It was just bad times all around.

77. Why do you enjoy writing fanfiction?

I like sharing my ideas with fandom! The community aspect is really what tickles me, I think. Writing itself is fun, yes, but the sharing part is where I get all the happy validating emotions. But I also straight up like going back to reread my own stories, because they're things I Wanted To Read but weren't available in This Precise Form so I Had To Do It Myself :D

Real talk, I was pretty deep into my depression when I started writing more and getting that positive attention and feeling of community helped me rebuild myself. It also made me awkwardly codependant on feedback for a bit there, and I'm not sure I was in the best headspace towards the end of my last fandom or the year or so before that. I put a lot more stock in getting comments than in friendship for a bit there, and I'm sorry to anyone I put through that.

I'm glad I managed to move on from that. I think my relationship with fanfic and writing is much healthier now - definitely more self-indulgent!

Send me some Fanfiction Writing Asks!

(25, 38, 51; 8, 14, 15; 35, 48, 74, 75; 18, 27, 28, 40, 50 and 35 answered here)

[douwatahima]

tag 9 people you want to get to know better!

thank you @thermoskind for tagging me!

three four ships: look, i tried to narrow this down to three but i thought of these four and got sad at the thought of not including them all so y'all are getting an extra one.

doumeki/watanuki/himawari (xxxholic) - MY BABIES WHO I LITERALLY NAMED MYSELF AFTER!!! listen, my son watanuki deserves to have a stoic but protective boyfriend and a sunshiney girlfriend who hug him lots and help him see he's worth loving. AND my daughter himawari deserves to be loved without fear of accidentally doing harm. AND my son doumeki deserves to be with the people he cares about despite the fact that they're both self sacrificing as fuck. this is the trio of my dreams and i will love them until i die.

satoshi/daisuke (dn angel) - so like...this ship is from a manga that a) isn't popular and b) i would not recommend despite the fact that it had a vice grip on me as a fourteen year old. that being said these two anime boys are truly THE BLUEPRINT against which i compared all other ships for YEARS. like, there was a time where how much i loved a ship could be directly correlated to how much they reminded me of satoshi and daisuke. they were IT. and this ship truly gave us everything! the romeo and juliet parallels of them coming from feuding families!!! the enemies to friends (to lovers in my heart) of it all!!! they are THEE fire and ice ship!!! THEE sunshine one and stoic one!!! literally never talk to me about the canonical dn angel ending i want to believe in my imagined ending where they were allowed to be in love.

nico/karolina (runaways) - this is specifically about the comic book version but the tv show version is also good! i remember reading the first few comics series like...a decade ago and OHHHH MAN these two messy girls really got me. i remember reading the first conversation that implied karolina was a lesbian and becoming the living embodiment of this emoji 👀. and then nico's whole mess of a sexuality crisis after karolina leaves? poetic cinema if i've ever seen it. i spent so many years holding a torch for these two that when they actually got together in the comics in 2018 i legit bawled my eyes out. i read the words "i'm not confused anymore, karrie. i'm not scared. i know what i want" and i DIED. their first kiss has been the background on my phone for nearly five years. they are my everything i am soooo serious.

ed/stede (ofmd) - OH YOU KNOW THE GAY PIRATES HAD TO BE HERE. when i say they rewired my brain that is in no way and exaggeration. i can vividly recall scrolling through tumblr and seeing how much people were talking about this show and thinking "okay but is it really gay or is this just another tumblr thing?" LIKE. I HAD NO IDEA. staying up until two a.m. to watch episodes 9 and 10 and feeling every human emotion all at once is a moment i will never recreate. i could've done anything that night. i could've fought god and won. it's ten months later and i still think about these two every fucking day. i truly can't wait to see more of them. david jenkins thank you for my life.

first ever ship:

arnold/helga (hey arnold) - i was like...seven and didn't know what fandom was yet but i watched every episode with baited breath waiting for these two to get together lmao. the romeo and juliet episode is burned into my brain for all time. when the jungle movie came out and they finally got together after OVER A DECADE of waiting i literally went out and bought a cake to celebrate.

last song:

grace kelly by felix hagan & the family - what can i say? this song is a bop!

last film:

glass onion - listen, i would watch benoit blanc solve murders for another fifty movies and never get bored. also janelle monae i am free on thursday if you are also free on thursday and want to meet up on thursday when i am free.

currently reading:

i'm between books at the moment but the one i most recently finished was lost boy by christina henry. it was genuinely the most five out of ten book i've ever read. like...not bad by any means but so meh i have no words.

my plan is to read the magicians by lev grossman next because i miss those characters more than i can say but like hell am i gonna watch the show again after...all that. i heard the books are worse soooooo we'll see how far i get.

currently watching:

the mayfair witches - i recently watched the first two episodes and i really enjoyed them! i've never read the books so everything is new and exciting to me. i'm looking forward to seeing where this story goes!

currently consuming:

a caramilk bar. ❤

currently craving:

the ofmd season 2 trailer. please djenks i need to see ed again my crops are dying.

tagging:

i feel like most of the people i would tag have already done this so instead i'm gonna do a cop out and say if you're reading this consider yourself tagged!

[goldengamer2500]

Oh, oh, this seems like the perfect post to rant about my trans dreams as well!

I only realized that i might be trans at the start of this year, but since then I've had a handful of dreams where something happened that definitely wasn't cis.

Sorry in advance for the wall of text.

These dreams are more-or-less in chronological order:

In one dream I was hanging out with some friends that i haven't seen in YEARS and at one point we took a picture together and one of my friends commented something among the lines of "Wow, you almost look like a girl in this picture" and i remember that in my dream i thought "Oh yeah, I haven't told them yet! I should I tell then that I'm..." then the conversation got derailed and the dream went in a completely different direction but i know what I was about to say in that moment.

In another dream i remember that me and my family had moved to another state or... something like that? I don't remember the exact details but we were somewhere-I-didn't-know and we didn't have any of our stuff so we had to go to a nearby store to buy a change of clothes and stuff. I don't know what came over me in that dream but out of everything in the store I specifically picked a frilly lilac blouse and skirt (yes, I vividly remember what i wore, they were a matching set too lmao). I then remember how I was nervously trying to come up with an excuse to tell my parents (and my grandma, who was also there for some reason????) but sadly I don't remember how the conversation turned out.

In a different dream I was at my childhood home and for whatever reason I was inside the room that used to belong to my parents trying out some dresses (don't remember if they were mine or my mother's, but it doesn't matter) and at some point my dad was calling me over for dinner or something, and despite how much I told them not to come into the room they still managed to open the door (that door actually had a problem with the lock IRL) and they saw me in a dress, I remember that i got angry at them and yelled a lot at them but I don't remember how they reacted in that dream.

There's another dream which I only have very vague memories of, but I remember that at some point I had an argument with my grandma (who keeps showing up in these kinds of dreams for some reason??) about... something stupid probably? but I remember that after the argument I thought to myself "Was that a good enough girl voice? I didn't think I could keep it up during an argument..." Curiously I remember that my voice did sound different in that dream. I also haven't started voice training yet and I thought that was funny detail.

In arguably the most obvious trans dream I had I was camping with some of my old friends (I think in the dream it was supposed to be like a school trip because they were my friends from middle-school) and at some point we all returned to the lodge or wherever where we were staying and I went to take a shower. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and, well it wasn't exactly a girl's body but I would definitely describe my reflection as androgynous, much more feminine than my real body. Funnily enough I remember how I was so shocked and happy by this that I actually had to check if I still had that thing (Sadly I still had it but I find it hilarious that I had to make sure even in a dream). Another stupid detail from this dream is that later on that same dream we noticed that they had an Xbox on the lodge and me and my friends hooked it up and started playing Guilty Gear Strive. I, of course, picked Bridget. (The trans girl character for those that do not know. Curiously she's a DLC character which I don't own yet so I haven't used her IRL. I remember commenting about this on the dream)

And while this is not reduced to a specific dream, I recently made a trans flag armband/bracelet using some colorful hair ties that i stole from my mum and I've been using it in my room or whenever I go out without my parents. Well, I've noticed that in most of my recent dreams I'm wearing this armband, so that's that.

Sorry for the rant but I've been thinking about these dreams for a while now and I just had to tell somebody about them. :3

Dreaming

This is actually a dream I had a few weeks ago. Ever since I realized I was trans last year, I've been getting more and more dreams (which I remember) where I'm, you know, physically a girl, but this was the first outright "trans" dream. Hope I can make it a real one eventually

[emilemily]

I’m watching One Day on Netflix and it’s bringing a lot of feelings to the surface that I’d rather keep buried.

I hate the way you imprinted on my soul and won’t ever set me free.

What would it be like to go off together on a vacation and sleep in the same bed? Not sex-related, but the intimacy of it.

We can’t talk anymore the way we once did. Resentment devoured our ability to do so.

So instead of just watching this show and becoming super invested in the characters, I will think about how every day goes by without us speaking is a day that I’m missing everything. The pain you feel, your joy, your success.

All this wasted love and for what?

To always wonder how you’re doing and never being able to know?

You said to me when we last talked “Em, we dated for a month.”

Correct. Why can’t we just be friends again?

Without any funny business. Without any romance. Just two souls finding solace in one another?

I hate being thirty and not being able to talk to you about what being 30 is like, when I remember vividly being 15 and telling you what that was like.

Things are hard lately and I wish with all my wishing power that I could just talk to you without any judgment or resentment or expectations.

I’ve never longed for a conversation this bad in my life.

But I’ll never be the one to initiate it because our last talk hurt me so bad that I fail to see a way I could ever put myself back out there again.

Most of the time, I’m pretty okay with how things played out because you were such a colossal asshole.

But then there are nights like this when I remember the beautiful heart inside you, how much you care for other people when you’re not overcompensating for something and playing a facade, and how very priceless you are.

Or were. Are you still in there? I miss you.

Goodnight.

[notebookmusical]

Hi! How are you? I have a Chihuahua and his name is Tony but mostly I just call him toey without the n. I hate finding bruises later..it freaks me out more even if it doesn't even hurt. When and why are you going to Boston? It seems fun!

Haha I don't blame you. I liked them but wasn't obsessed anymore by the time I went to see them. Like I never loved them the way I love Taylor really..but I think cuz I wasn't as obsessed during 1989 either was maybe why my mom thought I would prefer to see them. That was actually I think my first big concert in a stadium show besides Kelly Clarkson. I don't really listen to their music anymore really but I still like them individually I guess but I wasn't like a crazy fan girl or anything. I was also obsessed with showtunes at the time and twenty one pilots and some heavier bands lol. That was the kind of concerts we went to actually. My music taste is all over the place.

Well I honestly can't remember most of the songs from Jekyll or Bloody Bloody anyway but it is mostly just like campy. I would love to see Little Shop or Rocky live..they were doing a showing in early October but I missed it. I thought it would be closer to Halloween. Something Rotten is so fun..I vividly remember watching the Tonys performance and laughing like..what the heck is that? I was intrigued..I also think Shakespeare is so funny. Then Fun Home was a really good one too..it left a strong impression and showed me the serious side of musicals. Finding Neverland is not fun haha..I remember crying at the end of the show. Gentleman's Guide is a fun show and I remember the Tony performance too. I guess I do kinda like silly musicals too if they're done well but I think I'm more into the serious ones or maybe something in between. Sondheim is a great example of that but he does have humor in his shows too. Sweeney is my favorite Sondheim show and then probably Sunday or into the Woods I guess. I do like Company too but I'm not as familiar with the full show and it's more about loving the songs for me. I also feel that way about Sunday but Company and Sunday both have a stronger message in the shows..with the ending songs Being Alive and Moving On. I'm hoping to see it too and I'm very interested to see how I feel about the gender swap.

Oh cool! Beautiful World is also on my list..im pretty sure I read some of it before but that was a year or two ago lol. I enjoyed Normal People but didn't really care for Conversations with Friends as much. I also never even finished the show of Normal People either, but I want to..I know a lot of people really like it. I struggled with some of her writing and no quotations too. I actually read some of the Night Circus the other day and was surprised by how engaging it was. I thought I would have a problem and it would be hard to read 3rd person or cuz it was old fashioned but it wasn't at all! I think it was set up really well and hooked me in right away. I hope I can keep up with the timeline and it doesn't become confusing with more characters. Sometimes I make guesses or predictions on things when I read but then I end up flipping thru it instead. This happened cuz I was trying to figure out how many parts there were or how long chapters are and why the book is split up like that but I guess I will see. I did a similar thing with Tomorrow x3 and ended up seeing a spoiler..lol. so I hope that doesn't happen with this. I read all of the backstory so far or when they were children. Ooh that fancast could be interesting I think but sometimes it doesn't work in your head as much as you want, and can be pretty hard to come up with too. It's just that sometimes when I'm reading a book and I know what the author looks like, I end up picturing the author as the character instead lol. This has happened with Emily Henry for example but most times I don't even know what they look like anyway..but since this is less modern, I thought it might help. A fun thing was that I had the book next to a cover of the Blurryface album by twenty one pilots and it was the same exact colors..black, white and red, and looked extremely similar, next to each other which made me smile.

That's also why I thought reading TBOSS might help now with the movie coming out cuz there is already a cast. I figured out that if I read 2 chapters a day, I could be done in like 15 days just in time for the movie so I might be focused on that for now. I actually think the movie might be better than the book anyway though but I think it's okay so far. I understand wanting to finish the Hunger Games first though. I loved the Olivia song. It was pretty different for her or at least pretty different from Guts, so I was surprised in a good way. Her voice is pretty powerful and it totally fits the tone of the movie. It made me wonder if it was easier or harder for her to write lyrics based on something or not..or if she has a personal connection to the lyrics as well, since there is always a part of songwriters in their lyrics like authors having parts of themselves in their characters in books. Omg wait..how do you have mutual friends with her? That's so cool..I'd love to hang out with her! The first time I heard her voice was singing Shallow but it's cool she loves Broadway and also Taylor too. Maybe that's why I think we would get along. I would recommend the West Side movie and I appreciate it being updated but I just preferred the original a lot more. That's just me though and I have watched the original so many times. I think a lot of people actually do prefer the new one more which is interesting but I guess it also makes sense. I think its pretty funny her and her bf were in West Side and now this movie..she is truly living the dream haha.

Pick whichever url makes you happy I'll still be able to find you :) or you can ask my opinion if you want. I've never changed my url but I changed blogs before..or made new ones and I've been here since 2010 lol. I think the vault does sound like Midnights a little but I think.its just a similar sound that probably inspired the sound of the album in the first place. Like people think Suburban Legends sounds exactly like Mastermind but I don't actually hear that. That specific lyric made me think of Midnights but my point was she has always had songs or a similar idea like it since her first album..so I don't get when people say she didn't write it in that era or whatever. I still think some of the vault still had an 80s sound to it though and someone pointed out Say Don't Go kinda sounds like her can't stop loving you cover and I sort of agree with that. I love that theme too and a fun fact about me is I've never seen the movie sliding doors but I actually think I will watch it soon. Oh that sucks! I hope you can get tickets closer to you..and everything works out.

I've never heard of these before but thanks for telling me! I will check them out and I hope I'm pretty good at them. I am familiar with a lot of stuff even if it's a movie or show I haven't seen so I'll tell you if it's easy or hard.

What did your mom think of the show? Oh that's such a bummer that the show had technical problems. Your seats looked pretty good though and I'm glad you were able to enjoy it anyway. I think I prefer the act one so it was maybe less noticeable for me but I see what you mean. I mostly agree with you about Wait For Me as the closer and Why We Build the Wall isn't as dramatic for the act one finale. Wait For Me was definitely one of the best parts of the show for me but what about you? Is there different things you noticed since you have seen it before?

My weekend was good! I actually went to a casino which was kinda fun. I played a Little Shop and Wonka machine and was able actually to win some money on them but not for long or as much as I hoped. Thank you for the hug and well wishes! I will probably need it as I will feel stressed and busy for the next month though so I might not be able to reply as often. I hope you feel relaxed and rested this week before your trip!

hi friend!

that's so so cute — i call toto a bunch of things too; totoroto, bobo, totes, among others, and he's learned to respond to all of them 🥺 i'm definitely soaking all the toto cuddles i can before my trip (he's sleeping on my lap as i reply to you); it's a very short trip, but :( i leave for boston sooooooon! i'm just visiting a friend for the long weekend, and we have some fun things planned!!

i've never liked an artist the way i like taylor and i don't think i ever will find someone else like that — growing up alongside her music is something very very special that i will never get to replicate, because her music has really soundtracked so much of my life! before this year i didn't really go to concerts (i'd go to like the occasional theatre one if there happened to be one near me but not like a concert concert), and so i feel like i'm making up for lost time haha. i think by the end of this year i'll have gone to like ten concerts and two music festivals? which is kind of crazy when i think about it that way! what's your favorite concert you've ever been to?

something rotten is very fun! have you also listened to & juliet? some of my friends are obsessed with it! i'm hoping that they'll do a national tour and come to seattle at some point so i can see it; i don't foresee myself going to new york anytime soon :( but things could always change! have you ever listened to eleri ward's indie folk sondheim covers? her voice is beautiful!

my rooney ranking is normal people > beautiful world > convo with friends! but i might actually change my mind and bring CWF with me, i haven't quite decided yet. i loveeeed the normal people show, it's one of the few adaptations that i think does the source material justice! and i think paul and daisy have not just wonderful chemistry, but also an amazing understanding of the characters.

i'm really glad you've been liking night circus! i have not been reading it much; i've just been very busy but hopefully will get on it once i'm back from boston! i did start reading cleopatra and frankenstein while i was at the doctor's office this week, and i found the first two chapters to be really funny. i'm not sure if it's actually funny or if it's a "i'm not supposed to laugh here so i'm trying to be quiet and so everything is funnier and i cannot stop laughing" situation, but i'm hoping to finish it tonight (very unlikely; i have a ton of stuff i need to do before boston) because otherwise i will probably never pick it up again. i always do this; i get super into a book a few days before i have to leave and i don't finish it and by the time i'm back from my trip i'm no longer interested (did the same thing in may, and again in january). if you have an idea for a night circus cast, let me know! i'm definitely interested to hear what your choices are :) i hope you continue liking it!

i really, really loved olivia's song — i keep thinking about how hauntingly beautiful it is! i thought about getting the 7" of it, but i rarely spin 7" vinyls, and i think i should save my money for other vinyls ... but i'm still thinking about it haha. i do! i have some friends in the theatre scene :)

i change my url so often! i'm always worried you won't be able to find me but i do try to do a redirect etc so people can always find me 🤍 i probably won't do anything until i'm back from boston, and then maybe by then i'll want to do something else anyways! what are your thoughts on the vault tracks now that it's been a few weeks? i think my rankings have shifted — i definitely like now that we don't talk, slut and is it over now? more than i did before! speaking of, eras tour is back today!!!! one of my dear friends is going to eras tonight and i'm so so excited for her 🥺

let me know how those games go for you! i didn't do murdle yesterday because i got busy and forgot and now i'm like "i'll just start it up again once i'm back from boston" because my streak will be broken anyways. would not recommend doing murdle on your phone!! it's much much easier (better user interface) on a computer.

my mom had fun! she said it reminded her of come from away and jasper in deadland — i understand the jasper connection, because it's also based off of the orpheus eurydice myth but i'm not sure how she got come from away from that haha. wait for me is probably in my top 3 hadestown moments! i remember my friend gripping my hand out of shock and excitement when we first saw hadestown (first preview on broadway!). i think of that moment + her every time i listen to wait for me!

i hope next month is okay! sending you lots of love! remember to take care of yourself <3333

[jimmyblog]

PART 2:

My brother is 23 months younger than me and for most of our lives we both shared the same friends for the most part. Although we moved around a bunch as kids, we still managed to have the same friends everywhere we moved. My brother (John) and I travel a lot with our family, hence living in europe. Since we travel a bunch together, we have to go on lots of flights, which means we need to occupy ourselves with something. That something is movies. We usually pick out and download the same movies and watch them at the same time throughout the duration of the flight. I asked my brother to name some movies that he thought I loved when we were around 16. The list he put was “Game Night”, “Benchwarmers”, and  “Batman”. Of course he guessed that I wrote down “Game Night”. This movie was special to us both because I vividly remember the time that we watched this for the first time together. Some of the memories that we have together during this movie is us eating our food while we watched the show. I remember pausing it at the same time so one of us could go to the bathroom so that nobody was ahead of each other in the movie. 

This movie is special to my brother and I because we watched this together and others might not relate because they didn’t watch the movie with another person. Some of the conversations we had talking about this was about food. We vividly remember the flight attendant coming around during the movie and asking us what we wanted to eat.  We both got chicken but we found this funny because all we could think about was how bad it smelt during the movie. (GIFF) 

The film was literally about a game night.  Max always hosts a game night for his family and friends. This time was out of the ordinary when his brother Brooks comes into town and comes over for the game night. I can directly relate to this because at home, my  family always does a game night every wednesday. This movie is so special because it really demonstrates how good of a time it can be to spend quality time with not just your friends but your family as well. The movie really surprised me when the egg that they are after is in the basement of a mansion.  they end up getting away with the egg in their possession.

[seungminsmile]

.

[drabbles-mc]

📂 — HC for first date with each guy from SOA/Mayan? Or maybe just Juice/Angel because I’m a sucker for broken Himbos 🥹

My brain has been a puddle of goo lately, so I am taking the easier option you gave me and only doing Juice and Angel because I love HC's but doing them for alllll the SOA/Mayans guys is a lot since I overthink all of it haha. But we love broken himbos in this house. Gotta be one of my favorite genders 😌

First Date With Juice:

I think that Juice would base his first date directly off of things that you mentioned you like, things you like doing. It's the People Pleaser in him.

He's nervous. So so nervous. And awkward. And cute.

Insists on being the one to pick you up. Will be extra careful and reassuring if you've never ridden on a motorcycle before. Definitely thinks it's endearing but doesn't know how to say it so he just has this dorky grin on his face the entire time instead because you know the boy is thriving having your arms wrapped around him.

Will be the type to surprise you on the first date. The most he'll tell you is that it's not anything fancy, nothing super crazy, but the rest is left a mystery.

There is always food involved. The boy will wrack his brain to remember the type of food you mentioned liking, a restaurant you said you really enjoyed, anything to show that he listens and he cares. But the food is really just a foot-note. The fun stuff comes once dinner is all done and over with.

Juice is a huge believer in activity-based dates. Fun shit, you know? We're talking go-karts, arcades, mini-golf, all that fun stuff. He's pretty good at all of it, but will totally be the type to get a good feel of the situation and let you win. But he also loves when someone gives him a run for his money. Good-natured shit-talking is encouraged, because nothing is better than laughing over both of you being really good or really terrible at something.

Nervous first kiss at the end of the night. He wants to. He wants to so much. And he'll lean in halfway but he is always ready to recoil if he thinks he read the situation wrong. All nerves and excitement knowing that it was the first date but it definitely wasn't the last.

First Date with Angel:

You know he's got it bad if he's broken down and is actually making the effort to take you out on and plan dates. Because, let's face it, that's not really always Angel's forte.

And since it's not Angel's forte, he is constantly fluctuating between being super nervous, and trying to be super smooth and slick. The confidence of, “Yea, of course they said yes to a date,” immediately followed by the paralyzing realization that now he has to actually take you on a date. Love that. Let him squirm.

The way I can vividly picture him asking EZ/Coco/Gilly for advice?? Criminal. He’s so clueless god bless. And you know that the three of them would be of little to no help at all. EZ has some good advice locked in the chamber but he likes the idea of watching his older brother flounder around. What little intel he gives up is just to make sure that you don’t have to suffer through a terrible experience with his brother.

Angel trying to scrape a plan together just repeating to himself, “No movies for a first date, no movies for a first date,” because when he mentioned it all the guys immediately shot down the idea because for a first date they said he should at least make it seem like he wants to talk and get to know you. And he does. He just doesn’t know how to do it.

He will ultimately decide that there is no way to go wrong with good food and good drinks. A safe bet to test the waters. And he’s right. He trips over his words a little bit here and there which you weren’t expecting, but it’s actually kind of cute.

It’s a good night from the start, but once he finally gets out of his own head, it really is a great time. Neither of you can remember the last time you stayed somewhere past closing just because you were so wrapped up in conversation with someone. Your cheeks hurt from smiling and laughing so much and it was such a good feeling.

Will always start off with kissing you on the cheek to test the waters, but as soon as he gets the green light, he leaves you with a kiss that you’ll be thinking about until the next time you see him.

These were so fun to write 🥰 Hope you enjoyed!

Send me a “📂” and I’ll give you a random/useless headcanon that I have!