#i think this is. the longest post ever made about charlie game? which is extremely unfortunate.

[princesable]

hi this is "That Thing". he probably has a name but everyone just refers to him with various vague and slightly rude terms. he thinks this is funny so he doesn't correct them. if youve ever seen me make a post/tag a post vaguely mentioning someone and its "Formatted Like This" its most likely about him. the average charlie princesable follower doesnt know about this guy which is funny because if youre in a server with me you are Painfully Aware He Exists because i love making people look at him.

his entire bit is that i thought it would be really funny if there was a guy who had no positive traits. no redeeming qualities. what if there was a guy who was so sucks and he made it literally everyone around hims problem. you'd get this guy. he's supposed to be extremely one note and lack basically any character depth because it's really funny to me to have a cast of characters i have put so much thought and effort into to make sure act like Actual People and then just dump in this dude who kills people for fun and thats it thats his entire character.

as previously stated yeah he just kills people. thats his gimmick. he shows up and kills people crazy style. no one takes him seriously because he's like. Cartoonishly Evil. so theyre all like. oh this guy cant be serious. there is no way a real human person would act like this. unfortunately there is. he sucks so bad and unfortunately he is having a great time being here.

everyone also hates him because hes an asshole and well he loves this. he loves that everyone hates him. he thinks its hilarious. any attention is positive attention or whatever.

he shows up during chapter 2/part 2/watever the fuck because twitch (pretend you know who that is) is like hm. you know its been weirdly difficult trying to kill sherwin. because that is the plot of charlie game. i wonder if that guy down the street still kills people. and theyre like hey do you still kill people? can you help me a kill a guy. and hes like. yeah thats what i do. extremely riveting i know.

he had a completely normal childhood he literally just did a complete 180 over the course of a single night and only one person is actually concerned about this.

^ yeah what this guy said. ignore how he's my discord icon. thats not an exaggeration btw it was literally A Single Night.

other fun facts i want to mention that dont need their own paragraph: his hair is naturally black but he dyes it orange exclusively to piss his younger sister off because she has orange hair. he has two swords because thats the most extra shit i could think of. he genuinely never stops smiling it’s infuriating. his associated animal is a rabbit. all of my friends hate him. i hate him. he's existed for 2 years and has unfortunately had a massive impact on the plot. he's the only charlie game character with a fancam. i like to think his the culmination of me growing up watching 2010s animation memes. i would say we should kill him with hammers but unfortunately that is exactly what he wants.

tldr: everyone thinks sherwin is the worst person alive and its just because i never talk about This Guy. i am accepting questions and concerns at anytime.

i am concerned.

[rememberthattime]

Chapter 51. The Move III. Home

What a month. December 2019 started in Sydney, but in just four weeks, took me through New York (Chels was in Hawaii), Dallas, Louisiana, Mississippi, Seattle, and finally London.

Somehow this was our LEAST busy holiday over the past three years, but it flew by nonetheless.

The month began with an international move... obviously challenging, and further complicated by EY’s mobility team. Movers, cleaners, and interested Gumtree buyers cycled through the house, while Chelsay and I balanced enjoying our final days in Manly with UK visa applications.

Eventually our Aussie apartment was empty. Just four massive bags remained - they held our only belongings until our shipment arrives in London sometime in April. Those four bags would be heading in opposite directions for the next 10 days though: Chelsay’s followed her to Hawaii, while mine were heading to New York.

I’m extremely jealous of Chelsay’s trip to the North Shore. Not only did she get to hang with Sumner, Chris, Miles, and Orly, but she enjoyed a few post-Sydney surfs, Island vibes, and beautiful weather.

Meanwhile, I had intense work meetings in New York, which required staying an extra few days for the biggest presentation I’ve given to-date. I was at least able to stroll around Manhattan between meetings, with highlights including Gramercy Park, East Village, Greenwich Village, and snow in Times Square.

Our Christmas Break really began once Chelsay and I finally made it to Dallas, though we were only home for one day before embarking on a family road trip.

Chelsay and I have traveled to around 50 countries, yet there are so many places we haven’t explored in our own backyard, including the Deep South. With plenty of time in the US this December, we decided to take a short road trip through Louisiana and Mississippi with Jeff, Liv, Matt, and Emily.

Some highlights:

A foggy visit to Evergreen Plantation. Although the plantation was a primary filming site for fictional Django Unchained, its slave past was very real. Despite our tour guide’s best efforts to portray a “different narrative”, the slaves’ conditions were pretty clear... “Remember: snakes, gators, mosquitoes, yellow fever.”

Jambalaya, Beignets, and Hurricanes in New Orleans’ French Quarter, paired with our over-the-top Southern accents (“There’s been a muwduh!”)

Strolling Barataria Preserve, a swampy bayou coated in Spanish moss... but with zero bathrooms along the trail. What happened in the bayou stays in the bayou. 

Touring antebellum homes in charming Natchez, though the biggest highlight was Jeff trying to understand how their 1980′s occupants got cable. 

Friendly and entertaining strangers throughout the entire trip. Zippy the gas station attendant (“Energy drink, for the guy that’s gotta push the car”), our Uber driver Mahogany (“Reroute me”), the Mississippi McDonalds cashier (“Y’all wan’ dat wit pe-can sauce!?”), and a New Orleans man training his pet raccoon.

The road trip was great siblings trip - no doubt one that we’ll laugh about for a long time. But after covering Sydney, New York, Louisiana, and Mississippi in just two weeks, it was time to settle down for a bit.

Luckily we had almost a month to relax: 23 days before our one-way flight to London, split between Dallas and Seattle. I hardly worked and Chelsay was already well into sabbatical-mode, which meant we had zero responsibility while home... It was a return to childhood.

Some highlights:

These aren’t in any order, except for this first one: Matt’s quizzes. It’s become a Kern tradition that Matt puts together ~15 ten question quizzes. They’re all creative categories, with our annual favorite being “Synonym song title & band”. Matt’s past four annual quizzes were all excellent, but this Christmas’ installment, Kern Family Quizzes 5: The Moscow Incident, was by far the most impressive. It included an audio/visual component, and categories ranging from “Name this platinum song being played on recorder” and “Name the two actors’ whose faces I’ve merged into one”. Matt could make millions if he sold these games.

Speaking of games, the Kern’s and Wright’s combined to complete four escape rooms. Perfect 4/4. Grandma Helen calls them “Crazy rooms”, which is absolutely understandable after a T-Rex roared at us for 20 minutes in one of our Seattle escape rooms.

Continuing in the friendly competition category, the Kern’s love bocce... especially bocce with a wrinkle: wild bocc’ (aka free-range bocce). Most bocce is played in a walled rectangular arena. Not for the Kern’s though. We drive to the Trophy Club Park and set up our “course” through trees, along hills, across sidewalks, and between the small children panicking as we hurl 3 lb balls towards them. Like a windmill in putt-putt, these obstacles make the game more challenging, especially the scared children. Plus we all just like getting outside.

One last friendly competition: giant jenga at Jeff & Liv’s new house. Their “starter” home is so big that they have an entire room for giant jenga... and we needed the space. This genuinely could’ve been a Guinness record for longest game. For at least an hour -- every single turn -- we were sure the tower JUST HAD to fall.

The next four bullets are all cowboy related. Chelsay and I have been together for 10 years, and every time we go to Dallas, she insists on visiting a dude ranch. We’ve never had enough time... until this Christmas. Chelsay finally got her wish when we drove an hour outside Fort Worth to Beaumont Ranch. This day trip could’ve had its own post, but I’ll have to summarize in a few short stories.

First, the main event was a cattle drive on horseback. Our instructor, a true Texan cowgirl, led us into the 800-acre plains in search of rogue longhorns. Chelsay was the first to come across wayward cattle and, despite her metropolitan upbringing, instinctively started yelling in an extremely southern accent: “Go on, git! Heeyah!” Our Texan instructor had to be insulted.

Second story: Matt is very good at lassoing. I was not. This video pretty much tells the story.

Last story from our cowboy day. The ranch had its own replica western town, so Chelsay had the idea to make a “duel” video. We talked about the dialogue for under 10 seconds, but the result was pure gold. Oscar worthy (at least better than The Irishman). You might think that we added the music afterwards to sync with our actions... Nope, that was just my mom holding her phone close to Chelsay’s camera. That should at least be up for Best Sound Editing.

My parents, Chelsay, and I fell into a nightly routine of Dark from Netflix Germany. Phenomenal show, despite watching an English-dubbed version. We finished two seasons in under 10 days.

Obviously we hit all the favorite food spots, led by Feedstore, Mi Cocina, Anamias, Christinas, Costa Vida. We also added a new favorite: HG Supply and their tasty impossible whopper bowl with quinoa and chili. 

On the topic of food, I must have eaten 100 cookies while home. We had the traditional Kern Christmas cookie bake-off (A+ humor, but C+ presentation), but Chelsay also picked up a baking addiction. It was 11 pm and we’d all be heading to bed, but Chelsay was still laser focused and meticulously decorating her cookies. Her efforts showed though: A+ flavor, and A+++ presentation. 

Next up was our return to Seattle. On Chelsay and I’s first full day, we decided to go on a long hike. We actually didn’t hike much when lived in Seattle, which we now realize was dumb. I definitely took the Northwest’s landscape for granted — every time we visit, I’m blown away by the sky-scraping evergreens, fresh scent, crisp air, and looming mountain ranges that surround the city. Anyway, we’ve been trying to catch up on our hiking whenever we visit, and the closest trail to the Wright’s house is Mt. Si, a semi-challenging 8-mile hike. It’s the medium-well steak of hikes. Danny, Chelsay, and I endured a sweaty couple hours -- just to give you an idea of the hike’s height, the peak was snow-capped, but the views made the steep ascent worthwhile. 

On the same ‘missed PNW opportunities’ line: when I lived in Seattle, I ever took advantage of the many nearby mountain villages, especially the Bavarian-themed Leavenworth. Tucked in the Cascade Mountains, you would never believe Leavenworth is just two hours from bustling Pike Place. Gothic-lettered storefronts line the half-timbered town’s main street: Munchen Haus, the Sausage Garten, Ludwig’s, and Starbucks (it’s still America after all). Danny, June, Chelsay, and I enjoyed a quiet walk on Blackbird Island, threw snowballs for target practice, and warmed up with hot cider and big (BIG) game of Uno. We also built up our shaka inventory with our Leavenworth friends Alex & Charlie.

It's also worth mentioning that I went to a Hawks game with Hanan. It was a rivalry game and the stakes couldn't be higher: SEA vs SF. Sunday Night Football. Last game of the 2019 regular season, and the winner took the NFC West. The 49ers went up 16-0, but the Hawks stormed back and had the ball with a chance to win on the last play. Russell Wilson hit Jacob Hollister close to the goal line, but a 49er tackled him quickly. Hollister reached for the goal line as he fell, but came up an inch short of a game-winning touchdown. Even though the Hawks lost, it was still a great time.

Speaking of great times, we hosted New Year’s Eve at the Wright’s house in Woodinville. What an incredible night. Midnight seems to get later and later every year, but Chelsay and I stayed up until 3 am catching up with Devon & Babs, Martiin @ Michelle, and Austin & Kels. Danny, June, and Chels were such amazing hosts - I kept telling them my friends didn’t deserve their hospitality.

We may have been in the US for five weeks, but it felt like only five days. Although it fly by, these stories and pictures are proof that our time was well spent. 

And even though we were boarding a one-way flight to London for the next few years, there’s no question where our true home will always be. 

[entergamingxp]

Desperados 3 Review — I’m Your Huckleberry

June 12, 2020 11:00 AM EST

Desperados 3 brings the goods in this reimagining of the classic tactics series.

Desperados 3 is a stealth tactics game featuring a memorable cast of Wild West characters. It’s also an oddly titled prequel to a series that started in 2001. It’s also an example of how effective “less-is-more” storytelling can be, even in a genre that usually puts the narrative on the backburner. Most importantly, Desperados 3 is freaking awesome.

Mimimi Games reinvention of a series that was last seen in 2007 is nothing short of spectacular. The way it mixes diverse, lovable characters, gameplay that feels like a top-notch puzzle game, and one of my favorite mechanics in tactics games is astounding. If you’re looking to get into stealth-based tactics games, Desperados 3 is a game you have to check out.

Let’s first talk about the different characters at your disposal. I think most people have probably played or watched someone play an XCOM at this point. Firaxis Games’ 2012 reboot quickly took the world by storm, and rightfully so. That game is a masterclass in turn-based tactics design. But, one of the biggest joys was making the fully customizable troops into your friends and making up your own story.

Desperados 3 is very much not like XCOM in that regard. This game has named characters with their own skills and personalities. That doesn’t make it better or worse, just different. Personally, I loved getting to know each of the five characters in Desperados. Not only are you slowly mastering their skillset, but you’re also learning what makes them tick.

“Most importantly, Desperados 3 is freaking awesome.”

The main protagonist of the tale is John Cooper. He’s the face of the franchise and wields dual pistols and his trusty knife. Of the five, his skillset is the most “basic,” making him the kind of everyman you can slot into just about any situation.

Joining him on his journey is one Doc McCoy. This hard-boiled doctor also happens to be an expert marksman. His silenced pistol is both the quietest gun and the one with the longest reach. So, if you need to pick off a foe from afar, he’s your man. His medical bag can also be used as a trap that stuns curious guards for a short time.

Next up is Kate O’Hara. This beautiful lady uses both her charm and nearly silent Derringer to murder her foes. She can also disguise herself and then use her feminine wiles to hold a bandit’s attention, while a teammate sneaks by. In my tabletop role-playing group, I usually end up playing a femme fatale, so Kate quickly became my favorite. Her moveset is just so different from the norm, and she really helps in a pinch as the ultimate support character.

Hector was probably my least used character, though I still adore that lovable goof. His two big calls to fame are his bear trap and his shotgun. If you want to methodically thin out a herd of guards without getting spotting, that bear trap will do the job. And, when things get truly hairy, his shotgun makes people die real good.

The final member of your squad is Isabelle. I mentioned above that Kate has a unique skill set, but hers is really nothing compared to Isabelle. She uses voodoo magic to mind control enemies. You can also blow dart two bandits and then anything that happens to one will happen to the other. This allows you to set up some devilishly fun kills.

As you might imagine, the real fun of the gameplay comes from mixing each character’s skills together. So maybe you chain dart two guys with Isabelle, while you’re distracting another with Kate. Then, to keep you safe from a fourth patrolling guard, you kill the darted duo with Doc McCoy. Those kinds of combinations happen all the time in Desperados 3.

And Mimimi Games know this is where the good stuff happens, too. Because of this, they’ve put in a mechanic they call “Showdown” mode to facilitate some inventive and rad gameplay moments. Basically, whenever you want, you can enter a Showdown, and the whole game stops. This lets you queue up actions for every character in your party.

Say you need to get through an area and there are six enemies in your path. There’s no way to pick them off one at a time because all of their vision cones overlap. If you were to sneak in and knife one guy, his partner would see you and all hell would break loose. While you can manage a few big firefights in Desperados 3, stealth is almost always the best option.

These enemies aren’t pushovers, after all. I mean, you’d hardly call the basic fodder Einsteins, but some of the tougher enemies will give you fits. For instance, Kate’s charm doesn’t work on most of the higher level enemies (or any of the women). And the toughest enemy – the “Long Coat” – will take multiple hits to take down by anyone besides Hector. You’ll need to learn how each enemy interacts with your character’s skills if you don’t want everything to go sideways.

When that happens, it’s time for a good old-fashioned Showdown. By using Showdown mode, you can get all five characters to murder a different person at once. If you plan it correctly, everyone dies in climatic bang and you’re free to continue your business.

It’s both extremely useful and incredibly cinematic. It’s a little like the Gunfight at the O.K. Corral scene in Tombstone, except all the bad guys die at once. So, maybe this band of ne’er-do-wells is more effective than those iconic cowboys? Please, no one tell Kurt Russell I said that.

“At one point I murdered three men in slow-mo with a cannon. How can you not love that?”

You might be thinking, “Well, I have five characters to fight with, surely most of these battles are going to become too easy with Showdown mode, right?” And you’d probably be right, but Mimimi Games made such a smart decision by almost never allowing you to fight with a full party.

Each mission forces you into new combinations of characters as members of the team rotate in and out due to lore reasons. In one mission you’re walking the streets of New Orleans with the unlikely trio of Doc McCoy, Kate, and Isabelle. It’s like the Wild West version of Charlie’s Angels and you get to play as Bosley. Or maybe that was just me.

In the next, you might be trying to stop a train with Hector and Kate. You’re constantly kept on your toes up through the final mission. And that finale is an explosion of carnage that ends in one of the more satisfying conclusions I can remember in video games.

At the top, I mentioned that tactics games don’t often seem to place too much emphasis on their story. XCOM, for instance, lets you make your story, which is unquestionably fun, but at the end of the day, the actual narrative is pretty basic.

Before you get too excited, I’ll say that Desperados 3 isn’t breaking new ground in video games or anything. However, it’s very effective in how it tells its tale. Be warned, I’m going to go into some very minor spoilers in the next four paragraphs, so if you want to go in completely blind, just skip down.

Desperados 3’s story is almost like someone took that mostly throwaway sequence at the end of the first Red Dead Redemption where you play as Jack, turned it into a full video game, and then made it good. Listen, I love the first RDR, but Jack Marston is one of my least favorite controllable characters ever. If I ever have to hear his whiny voice yell “Work ya damn nag!” again, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

That said, Jack Marston and John Cooper share somewhat similar redemption quests. Desperados 3 kicks off with John joining his father James (are all video game cowboys required to have a first name that starts with “J”?) on a bounty hunt for a notorious criminal called Frank. Things happen that I won’t get into and James dies. In the present, John is on a mission to track Frank down and kill him for what he did.

Now, on the surface, that’s a fine story. You can spin that yarn and spin it well. Certainly, in the early-goings, I wasn’t thinking this story would hit that hard for me. However, Mimimi does a few things with the narrative that I want to call out. First, they deliver a twist about halfway through that is one of those things I probably should’ve seen coming, but didn’t. And it floored me because it instantly recontextualizes one of the game’s key relationships in a meaningful way.

The other thing is that your first encounter with Frank sets up the idea that anything can happen with one bullet. It might not land for everyone, but the way they wrap that into the final confrontation was phenomenal. It puts this neat little bow on everything and lets the game finish with a satisfying bang. Pun firmly intended.

Usually, at this point in a review, I would tell you some of the problems with the game. Here’s the problem: I can’t really think of many. Sure, the missions are kind of long, but it’s so easy to quickly save and hop out if you need to stop playing.

“And that finale is an explosion of carnage that ends in one of the more satisfying conclusions I can remember in video games.”

I do wonder if the quicksave and quick load functions will feel as snappy on PS4 and Xbox One. But on PC, it feels nearly instantaneous. The game encourages save-scumming, which leads to you finding inventive solutions to its many puzzles. It feels less like save-scumming and that thing your grandma does when she’s solving a puzzle with you on a Sunday. She has her little area that she’s super focused on and will try and retry every puzzle on that table until she finds the one that fits.

You’re not failing, you’re learning!

See, I try to find something bad to say and it just turns into a positive! I haven’t even talked about how great the pre-mission cutscenes are. Nor did I talk about how hilarious some of the environmental kills are. At one point I murdered three men in slow-mo with a cannon. How can you not love that?

“It is, without question, one of the best games I’ve played all year.”

I haven’t mentioned the post-game screen that shows you watch a sped-up replay of the mission. It’s not a feature you need, but rewatching my playthrough at hyperspeed is always a treat. Heck, I also didn’t even tell you about all the extra challenges you unlock once you beat a mission. If you wanted to, you could dive deep into Desperados 3 and play this game for hundreds of hours.

I mean, I’m sitting here at three in the morning finishing up this review so it can get edited before the embargo and all I can think about is hopping back in. Who even needs sleep? I’ll just dream about vision cones and Hector’s luscious head of hair anyways.

I will say, I’m far from the biggest tactics fan out there. I’ve played a fair number of them and ranked Mutant Year Zero: Road to Eden as my Game of the Year in 2018. I might’ve lost a few people with that last sentence who think Red Dead Redemption 2 or God of War should hold that crown.

However, it’s important to remember that it’s okay for you to be wrong. It happens to everybody. Maybe you mistake great production values for a great game. Or maybe you love playing objectively bad gameplay because you like well-acted stories. I don’t pretend to know you. I just know your opinion is the wrong one.

Joking aside, I would definitely consider myself a relatively casual tactics fan. So, I would hesitate to say Desperados 3 pushes the genre forward because I honestly don’t know if it does. That said, everything it does, it does incredibly well. Whether you’re looking to hop into stealth tactics for the first time or you’re an old pro, I would wholeheartedly recommend you check out Desperados 3. It is, without question, one of the best games I’ve played all year.

June 12, 2020 11:00 AM EST

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/06/desperados-3-review-im-your-huckleberry/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=desperados-3-review-im-your-huckleberry

[junker-town]

Shohei Ohtani is back, and baseball is good unless you’re the Orioles

It was a good week for baseball, unless you happen to be on the Orioles or a fan of the Orioles.

We’ve passed the mathematical halfway point of the 2018 MLB season. We’re approaching the figurative halfway point of the 2018 MLB season. And I’m not sure if any of us really know what’s going on.

[production assistant hands me an index card with nothing but MAX MUNCY in 30-point font]

Look, I don’t have time for this, please send your note through the appropriate channels. It’s hard enough to check the standings every day, much less all of the individual performances.

Watching videos until my eyes bleed? Oh, sure, I can do that. And it’s this sort of curation that keeps us coming back every week to review the previous seven days and 100 games of baseball. Because if we don’t do that, we’ll never get the chance to remember that ...

Baseball is good, actually

Click here for the video if you’ve discovered this on Google AMP or Apple News or Lycos Lynx. It’s worth it.

For on the first pitch of a game between the Orioles and Twins, Jake Cave made a stellar catch.

Your browser does not support HTML5 video.

It is our solemn right to pretend that the first pitch of a ballgame is more important than it actually is. Listen to the crowd cheer extra loud for that first called strike, as if to say, “Yes, good, everything seems to be in order.” And when that first pitch is hit over the fence, the pitcher on the mound has to hear the sound of tens of thousands of people rolling their eyes at the same time. We paid $150 for this.

Don’t forget to appreciate the actual catch, though. If you grew up playing baseball or softball, I’m sure at one point, you positioned yourself under a short fence and had a friend throw a ball just over it. Usually your idiot friend would throw it too high or low or off to the side, and you could never get it just right. Then after several unremarkable failures, you would have to go over the fence and retrieve all the baseballs, feeling stupid the whole time. I never did make one of those catches, even when I was trying to.

I think I might go to a park and have my daughter throw some balls just over the fence. I need closure.

Cave was ready on the first pitch to live our dreams for us. He was ready. He was capable. And the ball just happened to be in the perfect spot

Baseball is a hideous gully monster, actually

The decision to watch an Orioles game on purpose right now has to come with a long, extended sigh that resonates from deep within your toes. Within five seconds, you’re reminded that the taste of ash and feathers in your mouth is coming from the ash and feathers in your mouth. The Orioles shoveled it in there when you were sleeping.

The Orioles are in the middle of a six-game losing streak. It’s their fifth-longest losing streak of the season.

The Red Sox haven’t had a losing streak of six games or longer since 2015.

The Orioles are on pace to lose 11 more games than the 1988 team that lost 21 straight games to open the season. If they have to lose an obscene number of games, fine, pluck their nose hairs out on live TV. But don’t rob them of a homer on the first pitch.

That’s just being a jerk, baseball.

Let us study this baseball thing

Jeff Mathis pitched for the Diamondbacks on Sunday and got the loss.

On its own, this probably isn’t worthy of study. Position players pitch a lot more now, which suggests they’re likelier to come into close games. What we need to figure out is how hosed a team has to be in order to rely on a position player in extra innings.

Pretty hosed.

Stop that. All I’m saying is that we need to know what inning managers usually give up. We’ll look at the last 10 occurrences because it’s the golden era of mid-inning pitching changes, which increases the chances of a manager running out of pitchers. We’ll also limit our search to that many because I’m lazy.

Jeff Mathis Inning: 16th Score: 3-3 Result: Loss (1 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9 Did a starter enter in relief? Yes

Of note is that Wil Myers described Mathis as having the best stuff of any position player he’s ever faced.

Also of note: He’s only faced one other position player in the majors, which means his quote was basically a honking, rude subtweet of Dean Anna.

Ryan Goins Inning: 18th Score: 1-1 Result: No decision (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Darwin Barney Inning: 19th Score: 1-1 Result: Loss (1 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9, if you count Ryan Goins Did a starter enter in relief? No

John Baker Inning: 16th Score: 3-3 Result: Win (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Baker scored the winning run because he’s a proper legend.

Leury Garcia Inning: 14th Score: 4-4 Result: Loss (2 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Casper Wells Inning: 18th Score: 7-7 Result: Loss (5 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9 Did a starter enter in relief? Yes

Also of note: He was relieved by utility infielder John McDonald, who allowed one of the inherited runners to score.

Darnell McDonald Inning: 17th Score: 6-6 Result: Loss (3 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: McDonald was facing off against Chris Davis, also a position player. Wouldn’t you love to read more about this game? Well, lucky you.

Chris Davis Inning: 16th Score: 6-6 Result: Win (2 IP, 0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Davis’ changeup was so good, it made this dude squeeze his own armpit:

Felipe Lopez Inning: 18th Score: 0-0 Result: No decision (0 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 8 Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: Skipper should have let him pitch another inning.

Joe Mather Inning: 19th Score: 0-0 Result: Loss (2 IP, 2 ER) Pitchers used prior to entrance: 9, including Felipe Lopez Did a starter enter in relief? No

Also of note: I can’t think of his name without thinking about this post.

“In life, you have to make your own trails!” he shouted as he bounded off into the clearing, the thirsty joemather crunching under his bare feet.

No, it’s not funny. I literally think of “the thirsty joemather crunching under his bare feet” whenever I stumble across Joe Mather’s name.

If one day I stop writing about baseball, don’t wonder why. Just know that I was someone who would accidentally stumble across Joe Mather’s name.

Anyway, what did we learn? That I wanted to link to a bunch of box scores of these extremely cool games. But also that Mathis came in slightly before the typical position player in a close game, but not egregiously so. That most managers will use a position player before they use a starting pitcher on an off day. And that most of these guys didn’t do well, probably because they aren’t pitchers.

I would suggest that the trick is to have one reliever who can pitch five innings in any given game, except the Diamondbacks had that with Jorge De La Rosa, and they used him for seven pitchers. The real trick is to see through time, and if that doesn’t work, sigh a lot and hope for a better fate than poor Jeff Mathis, who was one strike away from an amazing outing.

This week in appreciating the efforts of a husky fellow who tried really, really hard

Jesús Aguilar is a husky fellow having a breakout season, and he can do a lot of things for a winning team. He can hit dingers, hit homers, hit baseballs over the fence, and also hit baseballs super far. Yes, he can also hit for average, apparently, and he can play both first and a corner outfield spot, but for the most part, he’s not in there for his hit-and-run skills. He’s there to hit baseballs a long way.

He’s not there to run from first to home on a wacky play.

What I appreciate the most on this play:

Eddie Rosario’s throw

Bobby Wilson’s there-there pat

Aguilar turning his head and lying down to take a literal dirt nap as the catcher pats his hand in sympathy

That Aguilar peeks over his shoulder as he rounds third and realizes he’s going to hear it from everyone in the dugout

The tag

That Bobby Wilson is still in the majors and making tags and there-there pats.

This all leads to a new segment that I wasn’t even planning on.

Baseball, but a painting

I call this one “The Death of Jesús of Maracay.”

The catcher reaches out in vain to save his friend, but alas, it is too late. The human-sized streak through the batter’s box represents our mortality. The weird mud bog above home plate that you can see in the video represents a kind of weird mud bog. The guy on the right is the president, watching over us all.

I’m still working on this interpretation, leave me alone.

Bartolo Colon threw a complete game

He lost, but that’s not the point. The 45-year-old is the oldest player to throw a complete game since Jamie Moyer in 2010, and he’s pitching like someone who wants to keep pitching next year. If he does that, he’ll have milestones to chase:

46-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Satchel Paige Phil Niekro Charlie Hough Bobo Newsom Jack Quinn

47-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Phil Niekro Jamie Moyer

48-year-olds who have thrown a complete game Phil Niekro

Of course, Niekro was a knuckleballer, as was Hough. Moyer was a changeup specialist, and Paige was a master of illusion in his old age. When it comes to quadragenarians who rely mostly on differently gripped fastballs, Colon is definitely something of a freak.

I don’t know if he’ll make it to 48 without a knuckleball. But a showing like this at least gives me a teensy sliver of hope that he’ll have a chance. He’s not exactly the perfect baseball hero — let he who is without a PED suspension and a second family throw the first stone — but he’s a pretty danged fun baseball story. And with each complete game, I start hoping just a little bit more.

Baseball picture of the week

The best picture of the week? That was probably taken by Rockies team photographer Matt Dirksen:

This picture is not filtered or Photoshopped. Promise. pic.twitter.com/FOf6aq24vA

— Colorado Rockies (@Rockies) July 6, 2018

I can appreciate the majesty of Charlie Blackmon leaving the cornfield to not invite Ty Cobb to the next game. There are a lot of entrants in the “badass ballpark scenery” genre, which is why baseball is truly for the aesthetically minded, but the sky in this one gives it an extra boost.

Can you get the same kind of majesty from a football game? Yeah. Kinda.

Photo by Justin Edmonds/Getty Images

For my money, the difference is in the stadium or ballpark lurking in the background. If a football goes there, it probably means someone screwed up. But the stands of a baseball game are inactive participants stored with charged energy. If the baseball goes there — and it often does — it makes the entire section buzz. If it’s hit in the right section, it makes the entire ballpark buzz.

Maybe I’m overthinking it? I’m probably overthinking it.

Well, in that case, here are my runners up, in which Billy Hamilton loses six months off his life in the same week:

Photo by David Banks/Getty Images

Photo by Andy Lyons/Getty Images

I don’t know the context of these pictures, and I don’t care to. All I know is that they make baseball seem like some sort of post-apocalyptic sport from a 1974 Roger Corman film called Smash, Smash, Smash, and I’m very interested in this new iteration.

Maybe you should just watch football.

Stop that.

what the shit

https://www.mlb.com/news/twins-record-no-putouts-at-first-base-in-game/c-284106326

When Blanka tries to hit you with a rolling attack, so you slide under him and counter with a hadouken

Photo by Tom Szczerbowski/Getty Images

What Shohei Did

Rose from the disabled and renewed the hope of his wavering team. That’s all. Or, if you want to be technical, he went 3-for-17, with eight strikeouts and a 634 OPS. Which isn’t great.

He still snuck in a game-winning homer, though:

He took a tie game from zero-to-Vasgersian in just over a second, and he’s now 3-for-6 in his pinch-hitting appearances. The biggest surprise this season isn’t that Ohtani has been pitching or hitting as well as he has, but that he’s been used as a pinch-hitter just six times. Just like when it comes to rising gas prices and climate change, I blame the designated hitter. In the National League, he’d get four pinch-hit appearances per week.

But we’re not here to get picky. We’re here to celebrate that Ohtani is playing at all. In the Angels’ walk-off win against the Dodgers, he went from an 0-2 count to a walk, then stole second before scoring on a two-out single. It would be much, much better if he were still Max Scherzer stapled to Cody Bellinger, because that sure was a delight to follow.

Given the choice of watching him only hit or not watching him at all, we’re in the better of the two timelines. I’m not sure if I’ve rooted for anything this season more than the platelet-rich plasma that’s sloshing around his elbow, but even if he’s done pitching for a year, he’ll still be around, reminding us that he’s one of baseball’s rarest talents.

This week in McGwire/Sosa

McGwire 13 AB this week 281 AB for the season

3 HR this week 40 HR for the season

.308/.471/.533 this week .310/.483/.779 for the season

Sosa 16 AB this week 349 AB for the season

2 HR this week 35 HR for the season

.250/.333/.625 this week .321/.382/.665 for the season

All-Star break! Time to rest a bit and JUST KIDDING, IT WAS AT COORS FIELD, AND WE WERE ALL HIGH OFF DINGERS.

Note that there is no apostrophe in that last word, which would have left you in suspense.

If you don’t think baseball was excited to showcase dingers at Coors, you are being a silly contrarian:

And, of course, Sosa didn’t participate and McGwire didn’t make it out of the first round because that’s what happens when you even pretend to care about the Home Run Derby. It will break your heart.

Spoonerism of the week

Okay, so Wookie Milson is maybe — maybe— a 45-grade spoonerism. Yes, it makes you think about Chewbacca, but it’s not really spelled the same way (Wookiee), and “Milson” isn’t inherently funny.

What puts it over the top for me is that you have to pronounce Wookie to rhyme with “Mookie,” which means you have to pronounce it like George Plimpton. And now I’m picturing a movie in which George Plimpton has to take care of an irascible eight-year-old because of circumstances beyond his control, and there’s a scene where he says something like ...

Charles! I command you to pick up your Wookiee.

Except he rhymes it with “Mookie” and I can’t stop laughing at this thought, and the movie also stars Shelley Long as the neighbor and love interest for Plimpton’s adult son and, look, it’s been a long column, and we should probably end it here.

Until next week!