#i think this is yana’s first hiatus ever

[rabbastian]

[darkspellmaster]

As kuroshitsuji gets a hiatus to make way for Yana to prepare for the climax, what are your current thoughts or predictions to how the next events will unfold? How long do you think we still have before the loose end of the story gets tied together?

Also.. do you think Lizzie will still have a chance to return to Our!Ciel, or will it be too late for her/them? I have a horrible thought that she might end getting injured or killed (I really hope she won't though 😭) but I still hope there will still be time for them to explore and acknowledge their feelings for each other, no matter the nature of it.

And what about Soma? I really hope he finds out the truth soon that it wasn't his best friend who killed Agni :< he can't drop out of the series not knowing anything sksksks

I absolutely love these two characters so I hope we get to see them return to the earl's side eventually

Thoughts for Yana going on break. GOOD! Girl needs it, she hasn't had a break ever, and avoided it even when her mother passed in 2011. So yeah I'm all for her going on a trip.

Few things are crossing my mind. First, the stranger, Barnabus, who showed up to greet Sebastian and O!Ciel, I have a feeling he's going to be someone like Blavat. He knows things. Honestly I feel like the young Earl is going to have to come face to face with some aspects of himself, and possibly the fact that Sebastian liked to trick him into the contract.

My guess, at least a few months after the break, and probably a year or more for it to conclude. I'm of the opinion that Lizzie is going to be like Gerda from the Snow Queen and be the one that saves O!Ciel from Sebastian in the end. I think the kids from FOL are going to play a part, (what I'm worried about with Theo is that HE's going to be the one that gets with Lizzie since HE fits Ciel to a T and Finny even implies that he's the most like his young master) in dealing with R!Ciel and Undertaker. I honestly think UT isn't clued in about how R!Ciel may have helped in the deaths of Vincent and Rachel. I honestly think there will be for the two of them. I'm wondering if Yana will end up doing what Kaori Yuki did and split the series into two. In that case we had Godchild and Count Cain. In this case I wonder if we'll have Black Butler and something else. So that would allow more exploration with Ciel and Lizzy. God I'm going all over the place with this because so many theories in my head right now. Soma I think will come back and protect Ciel, he's going to be his Agni going forward and keep Ciel safe from things. I think he knows that O!Ciel and R!Ciel are two different people and realized that it wasn't O!Ciel that killed Agni. If I was a betting person, given what Yana has said in tweets: Druitt is the final big bad and not the Queen as she stated that he is always there when important things happen.

(We've seen it with each arc where something happens. Jack the Ripper (Madam Red dies and we get the Reapers), the curry arc he's a judge, Circus I think he's mentioned only, Ship arc he's trying to take over the world, Public school he connects Redmond to Stoker, He's seen as the Red house leader in the Green witch, He probably will show up in Brighten. Also the guy is based on Alister Crowley, the famed Occultist, so Yeah...I'm banking on him being behind the whole thing.

Already has a connection to Vincent via the past.

Noble and a doctor

Has the goal and desire to be a king

Dude was willing to sell Ciel as a girl to the highest bidder.

There's more there, but maybe I should do it as a theory.

O!Ciel and Lizzie are going to be the Kai and Gerda of this story and in order to stop Sebastian, Lizzy is going to have to cry out the seal in some way and remove it with tears.

Soma is going to be the one that protects Ciel from R!Ciel and helps beat him.

I feel like by the end, Sebastian just isn't going to want to eat Ciel since it would be no longer fun for him. Or he can't because of Ciel's connection to Undertaker.

I hope so too. Soma will be coming into my story though.

[grelleswife]

Am I the only one worried if we'll still get manga chapters or not? 🙁 Maybe thats silly to think on but like everyone is so focused on the new anime but I want the manga too..

Hi, anon! Barring any unexpected announcements from Yana and her team, I doubt there’s cause for worry. To the best of my knowledge, the manga has never gone on hiatus at any point during its serialization; although the page count has dwindled over the years, sensei has diligently maintained a consistent release schedule, which is quite an impressive feat!

In fact, I’d argue that the 2024 Kuro anime may potentially benefit manga sales. Returning viewers who drifted away from the monthly updates could be incentivized to pick the manga up again, while anime-onlies (both those who watched the first two seasons back in the early 2000’s and those jumping aboard the seasonal hype train) might decide to give it a try and join our devilish little book club.

Since folks have been getting impatient with the slower pacing in the manga’s current arc, and we’d begun to despair of ever seeing the rest of the story animated, it’s only natural for the fandom to go berserk over the glad tidings of Season 4…but I’m sure Yana will keep serenely drawing away even while we’re busy losing our collective minds. 😌

[philosophicalparadox]

Consider This: AoEx Logistics as Applied to Other Universes.

Because I draw too many parallels between the things unsaid in so, so many other anime and manga, and it is incredibly fun and fitting, I think, to speculate about these things. Call it a crossover-inspiration post. 

Other series that you could apply the World-building and Logistics of Blue Exorcist to and it would make them very interesting: 

1. Inuyasha

I am currently experimenting with this one as I re-vamp my first ever published fanfiction, The Silent Moon. I figured it needed a makeover after 4 years of being on Hiatus, and BOI. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW GODDAMN COOL (and so very deliciously angsty) THE APPLICATION OF BLUE EXORCIST LOGIC AND WORLD BUILDING IS ON THIS SERIES. Seriously, it’s old, but it is one of it’s kind. Rumiko Takahashi is a genius I would hold on par with Katou in terms of breaking moulds for the Genre it is in. Sure, it’s got a ton of Cliche’s, but where do you think some of those cliche’s come from? Also should be mentioned that she is married to the guy who wrote Sailor Moon, so... Of course it’s genius. 

Not to say, in any way, that her world-building isn’t sufficient for the series, because honestly it’s pretty cool, but...plot holes. Plot holes aplenty. (Like, what tf is up with the whole Daiyoukai business, huh? Never really gets explained why Sesshomaru is a nobleman or in what way. Also, possession is a for-sure thing that happens in this series so it doesn’t feel completely out of the question.)

2. Yu Yu Hakusho

This one is more of an AU type scenario, but you could twist the world-build of Blue Exorcist into the canon of the series, because it’s never fully explained what, precisely, the Makai (aka “spirit world”) is other than a “bridge dimension” between “earth” (Reikai)  and Hell (Jigoku). It is also mentioned, and even explained extensively, that the Makai and it’s constituent dimensions (including the Palace where Judgment is placed upon the soul) is just one part of many, many dimensions stacked on top of one another, each with it’s own King (this falls in line with Japanese and Buddhist  concepts of the afterlife, with 10 hells, one for each group of sins.) It is also the most like Blue Exorcist in terms of character archetypes, and the main character (Yusuke) could be a caricature of Rin, nearly to a T. Similarly, I could draw parallels all day long between Kurama and Mephisto. Sure, Kurama is a team player, but he is by no means a hero-type. Togashi tried to paint him in the light of an anti-hero, but didn’t quite convince me, or the rest of the fan base for that matter. The fact he is the only character to have, on-screen-time, killed a human, a child no less, and walk away from it with little to show for remorse, says a lot about him I think.  He also has that air about him; no one fucks with Kurama, because Kurama has a weak body, but insane levels of power that can twist and turn and literally eat you alive. 

Moving on: 

3. Black Butler:

I am also setting up to experiment with this one. I think it would be interesting to see Rin tossed into the past just one more time. :) Now, there would have to be AU elements because alas, Black Butler has it’s own cosmolgical structure, (not that ANYONE knows what that is, thank you Yana Toboso) and I don’t think you could twist it completely, but you could absolutely twist it. Oh, the jitters I get thinking of how it would be, to have Sebastian meet Mephisto. Or Rin, for that matter; what does one do, when Satan has not been incarnated, isn’t even regarded as much of an extant concept in the sense we know,  and a creature bearing the essence of Gehenna shows up on your doorstep? Why, you freak the fuck out, of course.

4. Pandora Hearts

This would work only for the manga, but DAMN. I could totally see Mephisto accidentally inventing or discovering/using those dimensions, whereupon the Abyss becomes Abaddon, the place of eternal darkness. (Home perhaps of Armumahael?) Plus, Baskervilles. And Chains? Well, in the interest of not spoiling things, I’m just gonna say that would be completely within the realm of possibility in the Blue Exorcist universe, so...

DISCLAIMER: There is absolutely nothing wrong with the above series. In their own rights, they are fantastical. I merely like to dwell upon these things, and for once wanted to share. 

There are a whole bunch of other series this could be applied to, (*cough*, Card Captor Sakura, *cough*) but in the interests of not making this post a mile long...

[theanticool]

Fixing Women's Bantamweight Part 2

Back in 2015 I took a look over the women’s bantamweight division, talking about how the UFC was neglecting the long term health of the division in favor of making a conveyor belt for Ronda Rousey’s title challengers. And we know how that turned out.

Just over two years later: Tate is retired, Rousey is in the WWE talking about never coming back, and Holly Holm is teetering. And now the UFC has with a champion (Amanda Nunes) they are openly unhappy with, whose contenders list is running short. Their reluctance to even attempt to build a featherweight division drives talent at 135lbs up a weight class to get fed to Cris Cyborg, derailing any momentum or potential buzz they might have created for themselves competing at 135lbs.

There are currently 23 fighters in the Women’s bantamweight division according to Wiki (I’m including Tonya Evinger and Yana Kunitskaya who are listed at 145lbs). But then there’s Amanda Lemos was suspended by USADA after her debut, who’s probably going to be a flyweight if/when she returns. She’s gone for 2 years. GDR, Correia, and Evinger are all hurt with no clear indication of return. Pena is on maternity leave. Evans-Smith is moving to flyweight - don’t see that being permanent. All of a sudden, the division has about 17-18 active fighters. But active is a word I use very loosely - of the 18 active fighters, 11 WBW have 4 or fewer fights in the UFC.

And until the UFC and major MMA gyms start going to the international women’s wrestling/judo/TKD competition and the WCWA championships and sign every woman who comes off the mat looking sad, we’re going to have to do some digging to find talent.

So in honor of Women’s History Month - here are 21 women the UFC should consider signing to jump start this division. Read after the jump

1. Sarah Kaufman (19-4) - Former Strikeforce Bantamweight Champion - For the life of me, I’ll never get the logic behind letting the Sarah Kaufman go. Yeah, I get that she isn’t the kind of fighter that is gonna make a card a must see. But she’s dependable. You know what you’re going to get out of her every time out. She’s a top ten quality women’s bantamweight that could be in interesting fights. She’s too good not be in the UFC. And I don’t buy that she’s going to be knocking off prospects in the UFC as a reason to leave her on the out because she’s already doing that on the regional scene where it’s honestly more damaging imo. Plus it’s not like there isn’t a circuit for her - fights with Cat Zingano, Tonya Evinger, Julianna Pena, GDR, and Holly Holm make all the sense in the world. She’s the best Canadian fighter available to the UFC at the moment with GSP in injury induced hiatus and RoryMac going for double gold in Bellator. She’s currently penciled in to fight for the Invicta FC bantamweight title against Katharina Lehner in May at Invicta FC 29.

2. Kelly Faszholz (4-2) - Faszholz was a victim of the UFC’s 135lb division having like 10 fighters in it. You get to the UFC with only 3 pro fights worth of experience and all of a sudden you’re fighting former Invicta FC bantamweight champion Lauren Murphy and fellow up and comer Ketlen Vieira. With some proper matchmaking, I think Faszholz would be a top 10-15 fighter right now. She’s a good sized bantamweight at 5’8 and she’s an exceptional striker (in development). Instead she went 0-2 and got the boot. She has since rebounded from her UFC stint by beating fellow UFC veteran Elizabeth Phillips. Hopefully with a good active 2018, she gets the call again.

3. Larissa Pacheco (11-2) - Pacheco’s first UFC run was terrible. She got stopped twice in completely one sided affairs, BUT her first two fights in the UFC were REDONKULOUSLY strong (even at 135lbs) Jessica Andrade and elite kickboxer Germaine De Randamie. Also, she was only 20 years old during her first run. I might have missed my mark on her potential back in the day but I still think she’s going to be a solid fighter at 135lbs and it’s insane to think she’ll never be anything good. She very recently returned to competition, submitting another top Brazilian bantamweight prospect in Karollina Rosa.

4. Antonina Shevchenko (3-0) - World Champion Muay Thai fighter - The older sister of former title challenger Valentina Shevchenko, Antonina is a stand out Muay Thai-kickboxer in her own right. A former Lion Fight Champion, she has breezed to an easy 3-0 in MMA so far. While I have no idea if she has the credentials in judo and wrestling like her younger sister, her understanding of the striking game leave her miles ahead of 97% of the women’s 135lb division. Like three others in this category, she lacks experience with credible opponents but the bottom of 135lbs isn’t short on women who I think she could beat. The 33 year old will be fighting on the Dana White’s Tuesday Night Contender Series this Summer. Helwani has hinted she’ll compete at 125lbs but I can’t see her making the weight consistently.

5. Luz Vazquez (2-0) - Olympic Freestyle Wrestler - There are two women on this list that I believe are genuine blue chip, potentially elite fighters. 29 year old Luz Vazquez is one of them. An Olympic freestyle wrestler, Vazquez is one of the more well credentialed women floating on the regional scene. Vazquez has only had two fights (and one was from 2010), but even those short samples it’s pretty clear she is a next level athlete. She’s out here knocking women down on spinning back kicks. She’s picking other women up above her head with ease for slams. She’s so much faster, stronger, and more dynamic than most women’s talent at 135lbs, it’s kind of hard not seeing her as an eventual contender with more experience. Hopefully the UFC signs her soon (and their upcoming show in Chile could be the perfect place for her to debut), or at the very least Hector Castro gets her on a regional show here in North America.

6. Marina Mokhnatkina (4-1) - 5x Sport Sambo World Champion - The other blue chip prospect on this list is Marina Mokhnatkina. A 5x time champion in sport sambo, Mokhnatkina brings a completely unique martial arts background to the women’s bantamweight division. She is an absolute force on the mat, racking up submissions in both MMA and sport sambo competition. She’s particularly fond of leg locks, winning repeatedly across the two sports with an array of knee bars, heel hooks, and ankle locks. Mokhnatkina could send a shock through the a division that is made of primarily strikers. The only thing stopping her is she signed a six fight deal with Fight Nights Global back in January. I’m not sure of FIght Nights Global’s current relationship with the UFC. She would be great for the UFC’s debut show in Russia in September if they could get her. As demonstrated in her loss to Liana Jojua, she’s got a lot of problems with her game: high risk style of grappling based entirely around leg locks and armbars, fundamentally poor striking, not a positional grappler, questions about wrestling/judo game, etc.

7. Morgane Ribout (2-0) - Judo World Champion - Next up we have a Judo World Champion in Morgane Ribout. Now while Ribout is a very accomplished judoka, it’s important to note she won a world title at about 125lbs. She’s likely to drop to flyweight should she ever make it to a big organization, and I’ve read people who follow judo say she could probably make strawweight. The reason I’m including her at all is because her two fights so far in MMA have been at bantamweight (one for the CEF bantamweight title). With French fighters like Ngannou, Duquesnoy, and Taleb finding recent success here in the States, it is time we see more women make the jump. And we’ve already seen what a good judoka can accomplish in this division. While I worry more about how here abilities transfer over than I am Vazquez and Mokhnatkina (I haven’t seen any of her fight footage outside of judo), she’s got a decade of training at the highest levels of her combat sport - a sport we’ve seen another woman enter from to great success. She seems to be taking the jump to MMA very seriously. And with how well respected Judo is in France, Ribout’s success could be the next step to getting the sport legalized in France.

8. Rizlen Zouak (3-0) - Judo Olympian - Rizlen Zouak is the first woman to ever represent Morrocco in the Olympic for judo. She’s medaled in numerous international competitions in Judo all over the world. She trains out of the MMA Factory in France, home of UFC fighters Francis Ngannou and Tom Duquesnoy. There is a lot to like about Zouak. At 31 years old, she’s still got time to develop into a really good fighter. Women’s bantamweight is weird like that. I’ve only seen her fight with Leah McCourt in Cage Warriors (her debut) so it’s hard to know for sure if she’s ready for the UFC, but based on the small sample size she probably needs the most time out of this category to get there. Hopefully she takes a few fights in 2018 and is ready for a call up by next year.

9. Liana Jojua (7-2)  - The 22 year old Georgian has a lot of Pennington/Pudilova in her. She’s dogged, will fight you in every position, and seems to have a natural comfort and pose in a tough, grueling fight. It’s what carried her to a win over 5x world Sambo Champion Marina Mokhnatkina to capture the Fight Nights Global BW title. She’s doesn’t have a standout skill set like many of the pedigreed fighters, but she does everything well enough and with enough physicality to never really be out of a fight. At only 22, she’s got a lot of time and room to grow. She’s also only been fighting since 2015, so she’s not shopworn yet. She wouldn’t be an instant shot in the arm of the division, but she is young talent that 135lbs desperately needs. Don’t let the number fool you, she should be high on Maynard’s “to sign” list.

10. Katharina Lehner (7-0) - Katharina Lehner is a 27 year old fighting out of Germany. A four year veteran as a pro, Lehner has gone 7-0 in MMA including a successful debut in Invicta that involved her knocking out Alexa Conners. Oddly enough, that’s Lehner’s only finish though. The best comparison I have for her is a more aggressive Sarah Kaufman. She’s not a fast fighter. At all. She’s a hittable target but her pace, brute strength on the inside, and combinations make her someone who’s really hard to keep at bay. Despite not being a big KO artist, she’s got some pop on her hands and her arsenal is pretty solid with the elbows she uses to close distance. I can’t help but feel she benefited a lot from Invicta’s tiny cage in her debut and I’m curious to see how her style would fare in the much bigger UFC cage. She’s going to fight Sarah Kaufman for the Invicta FC bantamweight title at Invicta FC 29 in May.

11. Julia Avila (4-0) - Julia Avila is undefeated through her short MMA career so far with wins on her resume over currently ranked bantamweight Marion Reneau and current UFC women’s flyweight champion Nicco Montano. You’d figure with a resume like that, she would have been signed already. At 5’7, she’s a pretty long 135lber that makes pretty good use of her size. She’s a pretty darn good kicker that can stay on the outside and score points with a variety of well timed kicks. I don’t think her boxing game is quite there yet but Avila’s long reach makes helps her to get the better of long exchanges at times. Does a good job of catching people at the end of her crosses (She fights both orthodox and southpaw from what I can tell). Plus she can throw a wicked knee up the middle when she’s got her timing down.

12. Shanna “Shannimal” Young (4-0) - Shannimal is a good nickname for Shanna Young. Young is a former wrestler for King College, where she did well enough to earn 6th place at the championships and get herself ranked with Team USA. She’s also got a deep background in Karate. The 27 year old really gets after the takedown. While she hasn’t rounded out many of the other parts of her grappling game, she is a dogged chaser of the takedown. Her biggest win to date was probably beating Invicta featherweight Pam Sorenson. Honestly, the edge her wrestling and raw strength gives her would make her a solid fit at the bottom of the division. I think she should be getting the call up.

13. Pannie “Sexy Scramble” Kianzad (8-3) - 26 year old Swede Pannie Kianzad has hit a really rough patch in her career. She’s already been fighting for 5 years, so she should in theory be nearing her peak as a fighter. Not a good look than that she’s lost her last three to admittedly strong competition (Kaufman, Evinger, and Pa'aluhi). Still her youth and size (5’7) make her a good fit for the UFC division which currently needs young 135lbers who won’t (can’t) drop to 125lbs when things go south. Hopefully she can rebound to grab a couple of wins in 2018 and get a call to the UFC.

14. Marciea “Black Widow” Allen (6-2) - Despite some early career setbacks, Allen has rattled off three straight victories. I do think she has Reneau-esque run to the top of the division but she’s 36, she’s on a good run, and she’s one of the more experienced 135lb woman on the local circuit. Bring her in to test a fellow UFC debutant. And if she ends up actually looking good, all the more power to her.

15. Gisele Moreira (7-3) - 37 year old Brazilian Gisele Moreira is similar to Marcia Allen. She came to the sport very late, not really starting until she was 33-34 years old. She’s racked up a record fighting who she can on the regional scene while losing to some of the better prospects on the Brazilian regional scene (Talia Santos, UFC vet Bernardo, and Bianca Daimoni). Again, I doubt she ever becomes a contender but she’s still early enough in her career where she should be improving, she’s got experience a lot of women on the regional scene don’t have, and even if she doesn’t pan out she should still be the right test for someone is making her UFC debut.  

16. Maiju Suotama (8-3) - Suotama is the type of fighter you need in building a division - a strong, come forward grappler veteran. While she may “only” have 11 fights to her resume, Suotama is has been fighting as a pro since for almost a decade. She took off for 6 years in the middle, but according to her she was training the entire time she was away. Hopefully, she’s avoided the wear and tear that comes with a decade of professional sports training by taking a hiatus. At 32, she’s probably not going to get a ton better or take off athletically but she can be a solid addition to the middle of the division in ways 135 needs right now.

17. Raquel Pa'aluhi (6-6) - At 27, it might seem like Pa’aluhi got another gear in her but she’s probably right about where she’s going to be for the rest of her career. And despite her .500 record, I don’t think that’s an indictment against her skills as a fighter. 4 of the women that Pa’aluhi has lost to have gone on to fight for UFC titles (McMann, Nunes, Kunitskaya, and Pennington). She might not be more than a journeywoman, but those are valuable when a division only has a handful of fighters. Fights need to get booked, younger fighters need a bridge between fighting some local Jane Doe and getting tossed to a Tonya Evinger. Pa’aluhi serves as the perfect bridge. Who knows? Maybe she gets some of that UFC money, can afford to train full time and hits a corner like Magny did.

18. Taila Santos (14-0) - A can crushing record but winning 14 in a row is still something in the depleted global women’s bantamweight scene. Plus she’s only 24 years old.  Took 2017 off because of pregnancy, but she’ll be back soon. Recently won a regional BJJ competition in Brazil.

19. Alexa Conners (4-2) - The two losses on her record aren’t as telling as it seems. One was a robbery in her debut and the other was a TKO loss to Lehner who came in 4lbs over weight. Conners is a powerful puncher with a decent kickboxing game. Hopefully she gets some wins in 2018 and gets the call up.

20. Mayana Kellem (7-0) - Kellem is a Brazilian bantamweight fighting out of Manaus. Has fought more than a couple of women with .500 records but has managed to win 7 straight to start career. That’s a good sign.

21. Karolline Rosa (8-2) - Recently suffered a submission loss to Larissa Pacheco but is otherwise a talented young bantamweight.

[justanearth-boundmisfit]

Will there ever come a day where jay2 take a stand against real hate and real bullies? Photo ops, horrible threats, highjaking livefeeds, crying YANA & Misha personally harassed them. Piles and piles and piles of very public hate on Misha, stuff so ugly I wouldn't think or write about my worst enemy. And from them? Silence. Let's horse around at a con Mish, look how friends we are, Misha fans! Oh you & ur fans need support? Sorry can't do. There's a con during Gishwhes, I hope Misha doesn't go.

Hi anon! No, that day will never come. They are so into themselves and so full of PR stuff that they don’t see reality. And some people can tell me: “but what about what jijin said about YANA at jibcon”? Yeah not enough, even they dodge the questions about hate that they rarely receive. 

But this is also the fans fault, who are so hyper about a ship, that they don’t have the time to ask the important questions. That are afraid to speak up against the bullies and the haters, that begin every sentence of a criticism with: not that I don’t love those guys… 

Spn fandom always mixes criticism with hate. Because is full of it, full of hate. So the important topics slip away, as well as the answers. And they don’t care as long as there are two hot guys to ship. 

The other thing, and I’ve said this before, is that you can’t ask a bully to stop bullying. Look at the tantrums, the doxxing, the constant bashing of Misha. Their fans feel justified in their hate. So if the jaysjays don’t change their stupid frat boy attitude, nothing is going to change. No matter how many campaigns jordash puts out there, the hate will continue. People don’t want to talk about it, don’t want to see it ( Misha was really not ok at jibcon but almost everybody sees only a ship). Let me give you an example: I tagged them on the captures of the gishwhes chat and all the hate towards Misha and his family via twitter the other day, and a mishalecki fan “ordered” me to take it down, because the jaysjays shouldn’t see that. Of course I didn’t do it, I said: “but I want them to see it, I want them to do something about it, they are threatening Misha and his family, and it’s not the first time, I want them to see what their fans are doing”. But nop, she only wanted to ship mishalecki and I was the one creating problems. I have captures about this, not lying. 

I hope Misha stays away during the hiatus and gishwhes too, not that is going to be hard, they barely give a damn about him. Tbc, I’m not saying the jaysjays hate Misha, but they very well allow their fans to do so…

[not-so-buckets-of-crazy]

Three Years with Sam Winchester - Part Three

Summary: Year three, you're healing. You're not better. Maybe you'll never be better. But you're healing, you're improving, and for the first time in your life, someone is by your side.

Warnings: abuse, self-harm, assault, therapy, mental hospitals

Author’s Note: I’m finally back from my little hiatus (lmao bigass hiatus let’s be real), and the first thing I knew I needed to do was finish this lovely little three-shot that’s so near and dear to me.  Originally supposed to be based off of a post on allsupernaturalimagines that prompted: imagine Sam finding out you used to self-harm and comforting you about it. Yet it’s more “imagine Sam finding out that you self-harm, confronting you about it, and helping you rise above it.” If anyone wants to be tagged for my future works, let me know. Requests are welcome! YANA.

"I don't understand."

"Yeah? Well there's a lot you don't understand."

Of all the things that they taught you in therapy, how to explain yourself was not one of them.

First of all, the fact that your sickness was in your head didn't make it any less of a sickness. And the fact that you were causing yourself harm didn't mean that you were causing yourself harm for the hell of it. And the fact that you liked it didn't mean you didn't know you shouldn't...

There was no way to tell the Winchesters that and have it make sense. This, you were quickly learning, as you sat across the table from Sam and Dean in the bunker, staring blankly. What were you supposed to say?

Every time you looked at Sam, you saw the year you had taken from his life. And every time you looked at Dean, you remembered heat and hands and sex.

"Say something, Y/N," Sam said softly as you all stared at the razor on the kitchen table.

You swallowed, tears threatening to spill from your eyes with a cruel sting. You'd only been back from the mental hospital for a week. And you'd already fucked it all up.

"I just--" Your voice caught. God damn it, damn it, damn it. "I just think-- I think you two would be better off if I left," you stuttered, sobs breaking out of your chest now. "I just think I sh-should go."

Sam opened his mouth to speak, but he was cut off by Dean, whose gruff voice was loud enough to make you curl into yourself.

"God damn it, Y/N, where did you even find this?" He demanded. You cringed, bringing your legs up to your chest and hiding your head between your knees. Please don't yell, please don't yell, please don't be like him, not you not you not you--

"Like who?" Dean's voice was still demanding, but much quieter now. You were shaking. You'd said that out loud? "Damn it, Y/N, like who?!"

"Her father," whispered Sam. Your head shot up, your heart seizing in fear as you gaped at him in horror. How had he known? You'd kept that secret so close to your chest that it had infected your heart, turned it black and raw, hurt you every time you moved.

You didn't know what you'd been expecting. It wasn't like this had never happened before. You told yourself over and over that this time it wouldn't get to you, you wouldn't let it get to you, you wouldn't. But you still shook as you saw the text message and felt tears sting in your eyes. Damn it.

[What the fuck? Ten in the morning, still asleep. Dishes in the sink. I do all the work in this house, and this is what I get? I'm sick of your ungrateful ass. It's practically abuse. No wonder no one wants to be your friend, you're a goddamn miserable bitch. That house better be spotless by the time I get home.]

You couldn't move for several good minutes as your heart seized up in your chest, stammering and chilling and twitching. Panic, panic, panic was washing over you, drowning you. Without understanding, you stared at your phone clock. Ten o clock. Ten o clock. What the fuck? And your alarm said it was going off, but no noise was coming out... you thought you'd set it, and you had, why wasn't it making noise, why wasn't it making noise.

You heard a tiny sob come out of your mouth and clapped a hand over your lips. The last thing you needed right now was for your mother to hear you crying. You forced yourself to your feet, hand still over your mouth, heart still painful. You dropped the phone numbly back onto your carpet. You're a goddamn miserable bitch. You could just hear his voice.

Stop it, Y/N. Stop it. You did nothing wrong.

But it didn't feel like you'd done nothing wrong. It felt like the apocalypse was coming, and it was all your damn fault, because you were a lazy piece of shit who didn't appreciate all the work your father did for you.

You traveled to the bathroom to brush your teeth, trying not to throw up. It'd been the same song and dance as long as you can remember. Yelling and fighting-- so much yelling and fighting. You couldn't remember a time before the yelling and fighting. You and your father, you and your mother, your father and your mother. You against your father and mother.

You locked the bathroom door behind you and turned on the sink. There, with the cover of the faucet water, you allowed yourself to sniffle. You're better than this, you're so much better than this, don't cry, don't cry--

"Y/N? Are you getting ready? Your father left a list of chores for you on the table." Your mother's voice was just outside the bathroom door.

And you broke. What else were you supposed to do? A sob ripped itself from your throat. Fear racing in your heart, you passed it off as a cough, saying, "Okay, thanks, I'll be right out" in a tight voice.

There was a pause. You were biting into your arm to keep your sobs from being heard. "Y/N. Are you okay?"

Like she actually fucking cared. You took your teeth off your arm long enough to say, "Yeah, why?"

You heard your mother shuffle outside of the bathroom door. "You just sounded... nevermind. Come out here soon. Don't waste your time in there."

With that, you heard her walk away, and you shook your head, tears brimming in your eyes. How dare she? How dare she tell you not to waste your time, when all she did all day was watch TV and be on her phone? How dare she ask if you were okay, when all she really cared about was you pretending you were okay? Every time you'd gone to her with a problem, she'd yelled at you. Always. So what the fuck was she expecting when she asked that question? Your arm could be falling off and you'd say, I'm fine. That's what you were taught to do.

You shut down as you brushed your teeth and pulled back your hair. You had to be anywhere else but there. So you did what you'd done since you were little, you ran. Ran away from it, into your mind, into fantasy worlds from books and tv shows, where you could pretend you were loved and accepted. And hell, if your parents had a problem with that-- fuck you, who do you think had taught you to run away in the first place?

"Y/N!" Your mother was back, less happy this time. "What the hell is taking so long in there?" Before you could answer, she was carrying on. "You always make everybody else wait on you, it's so fucking rude. You're not the center of the universe."

"I-- I don't think I'm the center of the universe," you mumbled as you shut the faucet off. "I just--"

"You just think you know everything. I know." You'd gotten this cold, jagged voice from your mother before thousands of times, so why did it still stab you so brutally?

"I'm sorry," you mumbled. You opened the door, and she was waiting, scowl on her face and her hands on her hips. She turned and walked away, ignoring you. And she kept it up for hours and hours-- until your dad came home. Then, the yelling and fighting picked back up again. It felt to you like it'd never left.

And now you really were crying. Crying in front of the Winchesters; sobbing, actually, your shoulders shaking and your heart aching and screaming. You couldn't look at them, you looked up, up at the ceiling, thinking that if God really had any mercy he would strike you down in that instant and relieve these poor brothers of your burden. You waited and waited and waited, but you didn't die. Of course. When had God ever had mercy on the Winchesters in the past?

"How did you know?" You heard your voice ask. You could've sworn you hadn't moved your lips.

Sam didn't answer immediately. In fact, it took him long enough that you lowered your gaze from the ceiling, your eyes meeting his as you tried not to grimace. He looked afraid. Like one wrong word would break you.

You don't think anyone but the Winchesters had ever cared about their words breaking you.

"You're terrified of men," Sam said quietly. "You didn't let us touch you for the first two years we knew you. You wouldn't look me in the eye for the first three. You've never had a boyfriend, or a girlfriend, or any type of significant other-- you're afraid of relationships. You're an excellent hunter and a tough girl capable of taking care of herself, but every time a guy hits on you at the bar or gets aggressive in any way, you shut down and make yourself small. Yet you seem to be interested exclusively in men who are older than you-- I've never seen you show interest in anyone that wasn't at least ten years your senior." Your face was red, and you had to look away. "Y/N, honey, what else is that going to spell out?"

You didn't say anything.

Dean's voice returned to the conversation, low and dangerous. "Did he touch you?" He asked, and you heard the quiver in his words. "Because I'll sell my soul to bring him back just so I can kill him again. I swear I will."

You shook your head. No, no, no-- he hadn't touched you. Your grandfather on the other hand, he'd groped you... but your mother had said not to tell anyone... it was your fault if your dad reacted irrationally and hurt someone... You shook your head again.

"Did he hit you?" Dean was clearly trying to keep his voice quieter, so he didn't scare you, but you were already too far gone. You shook your head again. God, you remembered praying to God that he would, that your mother would, so you could show somebody and they could help you. Because the government only helps the kinds of abuse that bleed.

Because maybe the only kinds of abuse were the ones that bled. Because maybe your father had always been right, your mother had always been right, you were spoiled, selfish, delusional, abusive, manipulative, cruel, self-absorbed, ungrateful--

"No, Y/N." Now Dean sounded like he was going to cry. "You're not-- damn it, you're none of those things, you're--" He was so frustrated and horrified he had no idea what to say. What was wrong with you? You hadn't meant to say that out loud either. Were you that desperate for attention that you had to say all your thoughts out loud?

"Y/N, you're the most selfless person we know," Sam said insistently, catching your eye. You looked away from him. You couldn't stand to see him lie like that. "Y/N, look at me. Look at me."

"Don't you ever think that about yourself," Dean said. "Don't you dare. You're none of those things, none of them. And you're not desperate for attention, but you need attention right now, because keeping all this to yourself is killing you, and you need someone to help you." You cried even harder at that. "Please let us help you."

"I shouldn't have ever cut on my wrists," was all you could say, your voice marred with ugly tears. You shook your head bitterly. "I used to cut on my thighs-- they couldn't see them then, you know? They would've locked me in an institution if they knew. But once they died..." You could feel nothing but self-loathing. "It's not like I ran out of skin on my goddamn thighs. Not like my skin never healed. But no. People see cuts on your wrists, people see and people notice and I'm such an attention whore and--"

"Stop," Sam said. "Y/N, stop. First of all, you've worn long-sleeved t-shirts almost since the day we met you. And then-- Jesus, do you not remember when I saw your cuts? Because I do. You were horrified. God, Y/N, I know I'm not the most perceptive person alive, but I know you didn't want me to see them. I know that. And even if you did, even if you meant for me to see them-- I'm glad either way, because you might not be here if I hadn't."

Every fibre of your being wanted to argue with him. Needed to argue with him. Needed to push him away, because you didn't know how to deal with someone loving you, accepting you, validating you. But you'd made the mistake of looking at him-- looking at him and Dean. And you couldn't ever unsee the looks on their faces... the concern, the fear, the empathy, the love.

You closed your eyes. "I'm trying, I swear." Your voice cracked. "I'm trying to get better, but-- but I fucked it all up, and I might as well have never gone to the hospital at all."

"That's not true," said Dean forcefully. "Almost everyone relapses when they try to quit something. That doesn't mean they're not going to quit it, and it doesn't mean they're not going to get better."

"Y/N, I don't know what your parents told you, but they hurt you," Sam said, "and I can never forgive them for that. You're allowed to not be okay. You're allowed to ask for help. And most of all, you're allowed to be loved. You're allowed to be happy."

And you broke. But this time, it was in all the right ways. And when you put yourself back together, you wouldn't be alone. Not then, not ever again.

"I don't understand," you saw your reflection whispering in the mirror. It was a sad reflection, an echo. A wound you were finally going to heal.

"Yeah?" You put your fingertips to the glass with melancholy care. You wanted to protect that girl in the mirror. You wanted her to be okay. "Well..." But she didn't want that for herself, did she? She was so much younger. She hadn't met the Winchesters yet.

You smiled at her. "There's a lot you don't understand," you murmured.

Of all the things you'd found over the years, you were your favorite one.