#i think this is maybe the loneliest i've been in my entire life

[doyeons]

i love how my mental breaks wait to happen until immediately after i have therapy appointments where i'm like "^_^ everything's going fine!"

how do u tell someone tht u miss them so bad u feel like crying and melting into a puddle every moment ur not talking to them without sounding like a freak

[pinkriaji]

✨️You are not alone✨️

Fame is something I've been trying to manifest for a very long time, because I've daydreamed of being a singer and all the benefits and glamor that you get from being a singer.

To be honest, one of the reasons of when I started this was to sort of become a little famous, maybe not Kardashian famous but a well known figure.

On the past year, I started to ask myself why was a craving to be famous so much, many celebrities that I follow and aspire to be like, well they have talked about how much they hate being famous, and for the longest time I couldn't get them. On the other side, I love conspiracy theories and some about Hollywood, ngl they're pretty terrifying and I can't help but feel that all of those attempts of being "famous" have been stopped because my Guides are trying to protect me. Cause something we can all agree on is, how easy is to lose yourself in order to be famous.

The reason of why I'm being repetitive while saying this is because I can't tell you enough to ask yourself why you want what you want? Ask yourself that, since when did you start to desire it, reflect on the answer, why not having it makes you feel incomplete, answer that to yourself and reflect on your answers.

I did all of that, and don't be scared, you're not talking yourself out of that desire, not at all, you just are getting to know who you are.

On my part, yes I am manifesting fame still, but now I know why i want it.

I was a very lonely child, I've struggled with loneliness my entire life, whether I'm with friends or family, I am alone, and it's not because I can't let people in, is because I've been shown through their actions that they do not want to know me or be there for me, they are just content with the things I do for them and the facade they've known as "me".

So on the loneliest night, where I cried for help and nobody gave it to me, the "celebrities" did, through their characters, through their songs, through their art, through their writing. I felt less alone, less scare of the darkness, Art became a little light in the middle of the void, and thanks to that I've been able to create my own art, and art that helped me express my emotions and experiences, and art that gives me hope for the future and is slowly lighting my way.

I don't think my art is ready for the world yet, but this is the first time I'm talking about it to anyone really, if you are reading this, thank you, from the bottom of my heart ❤️

On the meantime I hope my posts can give you comfort if you need it, i hope they can become a safe place, a little light in whatever you are going through. I know how easy it is to feel lonely, but when it comes from me, believe you are not alone.

[illarian-rambling]

Thanks for the tag @nczaversnick!

Big OC Questionaire

I kinda feel like talking about someone I haven't discussed much, so let's go with Kaulakri, my neurotic little selkie cartographer! Since this is gonna be a long one, I'll put my answers under a cut. I'll also tag @just-emis-blog @mr-orion @the-golden-comet @fortunatetragedy and anyone else who wants in :)

Questions are also under the cut in a block

What is your favorite thing to do to avoid responsibility?

It's rare, but I do get burnt out on occasion. When I was alive, I would go for a swim and enjoy a night on the beach. That's a little harder now, so I practice my flute instead.

If you could choose anyone in the world to be your sibling who would it be?

What was the worst day of your life?

What's so special about a sibling? I suppose I like Pash well enough, though he stresses me out, and Faalgun makes for good company. But why would I hang out with my siblings especially? That's so odd.

What is the most sublime thing you have ever eaten and why?

Maybe it's a little strange for one of the halawemavish, but I love sugar. Most surface foods turn my stomach, so people are always surprised by that. The best, sweetest thing I've ever eaten was this singular Cantran dessert. They called it a marshed mallow.

Well, the last one, I suppose. I never knew what disease killed me, but it was sudden and miserable and spread like a flood through the crew I traveled with. Even in the midst of that agony, watching then all fall around me, it wasn't the idea of death that scared me, but the knowledge that my life would be for nothing. Hopefully, my afterlife will be different....

What’s your worst nightmare?

If a monster asked you your worst nightmare what would you tell it and why?

Like, literally or metaphorically? The worst nightmare I've ever had was when I was ten. I stood with my back to an endless drop while a wave of frothing rats skittered towards me, aiming to sweep me away with them. My 'worst nightmare' in a broader sense is leaving things incomplete. Projects, relationships, all of it. I dread being unable to finish what I've started.

I wouldn't tell it anything. Why does a monster want to know what my worst nightmare is? ....Wait is this the sort of thing I'm supposed to lie for? I suppose I could say my worst nightmare is meringue tarts, but that doesn't seem very convincing.

Would you give away secret information if tortured? Be honest.

Who could you trust most with a secret?

What sort of torture? I don't think waterboarding is all it's cracked up to be, but if you tore out my fingernails or, I don't know, ripped up my maps, I'd probably talk.

Myself, obviously. I have the most stake in keeping my own secrets a secret. But in terms of others, probably Anarac. He hardly talks at all, so I doubt he'd repeat anything I told him.

Uhhhhh.... I'm... I'm lost?

You have been caught somewhere you should be! Quick, what is your excuse?

How good is your sleep schedule?

People always say you can sleep when you're dead, but that's patently false. You don't need to sleep at all when you're dead. I still do most nights, just to keep a semblance of order, but even if I only get a few hours, it doesn't really affect much.

Do you have any siblings? If so, is your relationship good?

Siblings? Oh yes, I forgot you humans are superstitious about blood relations. I suppose I had a few, but I was never especially close with any of the enclave kids. I was a bit more of the... indoor type.

What’s the toughest time you had to endure growing up?

Deciding to leave my enclave. It was all I had ever known, and I was apprenticed to our shaman. I was terrified that I was making the biggest mistake of my life by going to study on the surface. For those first few nights away from home, I thought I was the loneliest person on Illaros.

Again with these blood relation superstitions. As you would think of it, my entire enclave was my family. The person I was closest to was Lishvan, the shaman. He indulged my many, many questions and, I think, took a bit of pity on me for my difficulties socializing. I still remember all the songs he taught me.

What’s your relationship with your family like?

Do you have any hobbies? If so, what ones?

Cartography and natural history are my passions. Yes, they're also my job, but nothing brings me more joy than cataloging a new island species or watching a map slowly spring from a blank page. Apart from that, I've always enjoyed music and storytelling. The crews I sailed with always compliment my flute playing as quite good.

No. I did in life, but now that I think about it, I've never had a dream while dead. I suppose they aren't for us.

Do you dream often?

What do you dream about?

Have you ever been in love?

When I was alive, my dreams were mostly nonsense. Usually, they took place on ships, which makes sense considering where I spent much of my time. Some were anxious, others were happy, but overall, most of my dreams were about doing something that made no sense upon waking.

Who's to say? I... I'm not good at being close to people. My work has always taken priority and I can be distant even when I'm not on assignment. The closest I ever came was a three month long fling with a sea captain whose ship I had chartered with a sizable grant. She was the perfect partner - everything I could've asked for. Attentive, not overly touchy, and a superb conversationalist. I think she really liked me and I... I might’ve loved her. Of course, I only realized that when I'd finished my mapping trip and by that time, her ship had long sailed over the horizon.

Rats. You wouldn't think it's possible for someone to hate an animal to such a degree, but believe me, I fucking do. They're disgusting creatures who get shit everywhere, eat rations, and eat my damn maps! Not only do they do all of that, but they carry disease everywhere they go. Considering how I died, you shouldn't be surprised when I tell you that I'll kill any rat I see.

What is your least favorite thing in the world?

What is your pet peeve?

Poor organization rubs me the wrong way no matter the scale. This world runs on order and efficiency, and there's no reason to make everything more difficult for everyone else just because you can't be bothered to take notes.

Would you consider yourself different?

How far would you go to save a loved one?

I.... Oh, what a question. I've always been... apart from my peers. Too serious, too obedient, too off in my own world. I didn't have many friends as a kid for all of those reasons. No one outright bullied me, but even I'm not oblivious enough to miss hands going up to cover whispers every time I'm around. It was better when I went to school. The people there were more like-minded. But by then though, I'd learned to hold myself apart from others. It's not as if I crave company. I'm perfectly happy to keep to myself and my maps. It's just... sometimes I wish I could find someone with passions that matched my own. We could share a journal and know that every annotation actually means I love you.

Murder. Anything below that is fair game, but I think one murder would be my limit. I'd find another way.

I don't really have a worst enemy. Should I? Could it be rats? I think I could team up with rats if my crew was on the line, though I might wear gloves and a mask the whole time. Just because I'm dead doesn't mean I shouldn't be concerned with hygiene.

Would you team up with your worst enemy if it was your only option?

What is the worst insult you can give?

I don't really like giving insults - I'd rather just walk away. There was one time though, that I told Nyda she'd set Illari progress back by centuries due to her own idiocy, and that countless sailors had probably died because she'd been too busy chasing pointless glory to write down her damn equations. Oh, and also that she was a fool for trying so hard to be a warrior when it was clear she would never have the skill to fight off more than a frog. Maybe I went a little overboard there, now that I think about it.

What is the nicest thing someone could say to you?

Are you a jealous person?

Oh spirits, I'm not sure. I think if someone said my maps had saved them from being lost at sea, I'd just lay down and cry.

I don't know, what constitutes jealous? I'm going to go with a tentative no.

Have you ever committed a crime?

Why would I tell you that? ...Well, I suppose I'm dead now, so it won't make much of a difference. I, uh, would loot money from shipwrecks sometimes, to pay for my expeditions. Technically, scavanged goods are supposed to go to the company the ship belonged to, but they won't miss it. I hope.

Are you neat or messy?

Neat. Messy things stress me out.

How do you feel about crying? Let it out or hold it in?

Crying is a very important emotional release and you should never be ashamed of it. Not for me though - I'm ashamed.

Who do you live for? Why?

First off, I'm not alive. Secondly, when I was alive, I lived to finish my maps and chart every island in Janaz. Part of that was to help other people sail more safely, yes, but part was because I simply had to know what was out there. So... I guess I don't know.

Who has betrayed you most?

My own health. Right when I was nearly finished with my work, my own damn body gave out on me. Now it and my maps are rotting on a deserted island somewhere, never to be seen by a living soul again.

What style of accessories do you wear? Is it willingly?

I don't like the feel of jewelry. Anything on my hands at all makes me uncomfortable, really. I suppose I still have the little belt bag I died with. That's a pretty handy accessory.

What is your favorite thing to do to avoid responsibility?If you could choose anyone in the world to be your sibling who would it be?What is the most sublime thing you have ever eaten and why?What was the worst day of your life?What’s your worst nightmare?If a monster asked you your worst nightmare what would you tell it and why?Would you give away secret information if tortured? Be honest.Who could you trust most with a secret?You have been caught somewhere you should be! Quick, what is your excuse?How good is your sleep schedule?Do you have any siblings? If so, is your relationship good?What’s the toughest time you had to endure growing up?What’s your relationship with your family like?Do you have any hobbies? If so, what ones?Do you dream often? What do you dream about?Have you ever been in love?What is your least favorite thing in the world?What is your pet peeve?Would you consider yourself different?How far would you go to save a loved one?Would you team up with your worst enemy if it was your only option?What is the worst insult you can give?What is the nicest thing someone could say to you?Are you a jealous person?Have you ever committed a crime?Are you neat or messy?How do you feel about crying? Let it out or hold it in?Who do you live for? Why?Who has betrayed you most?What style of accessories do you wear? Is it willingly?

[likesummerrainn]

@krischamplander tagged me to name four albums I've been listening to! Sorry it took me so long to post BUT I was very excited to do it!

So Much (For) Stardust by Fall Out Boy Maybe it was just that it came out at a time where I was going through a lot of emotional changes but I've never felt so so so impacted by an album. I feel like it changed me entirely and it lives in my bones now. I think I sound crazy if I try to talk about it BUT it's just truly an album that I'm so obsessed with!

The Loneliest Time by Carly Rae Jepsen CRJ is literally. The soundtrack of my life. If my life was a movie I'd want her music to play in the background at all times. She is the sweet and exciting and soft pop music that I want to wrap myself in and walk out into the world.

Give Me The Future + Dreams Of The Past by Bastille I've loved Bastille since I heard Bad Blood all those years ago and I hadn't listened to anything of theirs in so long that when I found out about this album I was so excited. I won't lie at all it took a while to grow on me BUT this is just. the Bastille I love so much and it makes me feel like. idk? it makes me feel excited...

The Lost Years by The Strike My friend introduced to me one band and through that band i found this band and I just adore it. I've played it so much and everyone always says "it has such an 80s vibe to it!" and they're RIGHT and i'm so obsessed with it. Almost every song on this album makes me wanna dance and personally I think that's the marker of a truly good album!

I will tag my darlings to do this as well!

@m00sebaby @werewolves @saltydornishman @red-dipshit @roderickstrong

and of course anybody who would like to do it that I didn't tag please do it! I love seeing everyone's music taste!!

[popcorn-problems]

I feel a new level of hollow. Life is aging me so quickly. I'm trying not to slip back into the pattern of codependency where I start to live solely for others and build back resentment towards them. It's wild what the mind can do for survival. I wish so many things. I'm trying to keep my mind in this, to stay humble, to not lose my core. But like, maybe I need to harden soon because I am so close to completely shattering away what's left. I feel an emptiness I haven't felt this deeply before. I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore. I have no desire to exist and fall short of whatever version of me they have fixated on. I trust no one, not a soul, especially myself. And this is the loneliest I have ever felt in my entire life. I am so loved, but yet, none of it reaches inside. Sometimes I don't know what's wrong with me. Sometimes I think I'm still suffering karma from another life.

I've had a hard time venting because it's difficult to give a half story. Every version of events is only my truth, not my ex's. It's wild we often explode on others and expect them to accept our apology, but never extend that same grace back. This situation is so hard. My mom mentioned to me my dad has been so upset about my ex and his actions... I just mentioned like what would my dad have done if my mom ever left. Do people like not understand life goes on? An eye for an eye will leave this entire world blind. I can't even vent about my trauma without people projecting their own shit and demanding some type of justice I don't even want. Seriously, sometimes I think karma itself works backwards. Why wish for something terrible to happen to someone when clearly something terrible has happened for them to be that way? What's the point? I hope we all heal.

I wish I could leave my baggage behind., the old me is costing the new me.

[annieintheaair]

I waited all my life just to fall for someone like you

Lewis Capaldi released a new album yesterday (Broken By Desire To Be Heavenly Sent). I've always felt that music finds you when you need it the most. Whether you're having the best day or the worst day, a song comes on and it completely moves you. It speaks to the deepest part of your soul and somehow, the things you felt like you didn't understand before, suddenly make sense. That's how I felt listening to his new album today. It started playing on Spotify as an album recommended to me so after a couple of songs, I put in my AirPods, grabbed my dogs, and went for a walk.

Am I cured of all of the pain and sadness I've been feeling? Absolutely not. But do I feel like I'm not alone? 100%. Listening to a song, or an entire album, that just speaks to you, makes you realize that you're not alone in all of this. The things that you're going through, others have gone through before. They survived to sing about it.

It has been some time since I've written here. A lot has happened in my life since then. Eight months ago, I moved to a new house an hour away from where I lived for the last 8+ years. I felt like maybe I needed a change of scenery or something. It was almost a blessing that my landlord sold my townhouse, forcing me to move out. I honestly started thinking I'd probably just stay there forever because it was all so perfect. Even so, it seemed like so much hurt and sadness had been absorbed into those walls. I loved that house; I loved that neighborhood, and I really loved my life. Even though the house held me during a time when I experienced so many losses, somehow I was the happiest I had ever been. Eight months later, I'm still asking myself how and why I did that to myself. I needed a change but I didn't need to abandon my entire life.

Don't get me wrong, I now live in a beautiful house, but I'm the loneliest I've ever been. Where you are doesn't matter nearly as much as the people you're surrounded by. It's about people, not places.

My last entry here was in May of 2022. Three months later, Dan passed away, which is likely why I couldn't come back and write again. I spent months going to therapy, every week thinking I'd walk in there and talk to my therapist about how I was feeling but instead, I felt like I was at a loss for words. Up until this August when it was a whole year since he passed, I couldn't talk about it. I found other unimportant things to talk about every week and walked out of therapy still feeling so weighed down by everything.

Part of me felt wrong for feeling sad when Dan texted me the day before he died and I ignored it. He called me many times that week and I didn't pick up the phone. I felt such guilt when I shut him out, thinking maybe he would just go away. Deep down, I knew I didn't want him to go away. He was one of my oldest friends and people who knew me the best. He always called me out whenever I said things I didn't mean or when I was sad and lied and said I was happy. It takes a long time to get to know someone on that level and after 15 years, he knew me better than anyone and somehow still loved me anyway. He never missed the chance to tell me that he loved me and my biggest comfort after he died was knowing that at least I knew how he felt before it was too late.

Losing Dan came with a lot of lessons. It brought out the part of me that I had tucked away after middle school. I always believed in telling people how you felt but life as a teenager told me not to do that. I related sharing your feelings with losing people. For fear that telling the truth would send them away, I kept it all inside. When Dan passed away, I realized that you should never lose those opportunities. If sharing how you feel is going to chase them away then they're not someone worth keeping anyway. The people who care about you and care about your heart, those are the ones who will stay. You'll never scare them away with honesty.

Our relationship was never perfect. It was far from perfect, but one thing that was perfect was that we never gave up on each other. On my last night in Rhode Island before moving out of my apartment, as the snow came down outside, I think deep down I knew that was really going to be the end of us as we were. While I cried, he told me that we were so lucky to have found what we did at such a young age because some people wait their whole lives for what we had. After he passed away, I told myself that I didn't even want to date for a while and if I ended up alone for the rest of my life, it was okay because I had found love at one point in my life.

The thing is, life is hard, and having people to go through life with you makes all the difference. You can't time travel to the past to fix your mistakes or say what you wanted to say. All you can do is live in the now. You should never let a day go by without letting people know how you feel because someday, it just may be too late.

Unfortunately, when people are present, sometimes we forget to appreciate the little things about them, and once they're gone, we realize all of the good that we lost. When you're mad, you see the worst, and soon, it's too late once you start comparing the positives with the negatives. Always try to see the good things and always turn those feelings deep in your heart into words.

xoxo

Annie

[angelbluediary]

Overheated //

I've always preferred sweat to the shakes. The fever took me on Valentine's Day. Illness is a strange thing. I've never thought too much of it. I'm the girl who's never broken a bone, or needed any kind of surgery. Doctor's visits were wastes of time. Now I think about illness a lot. I think about how expensive a doctor's bill is. I think about how an ER trip would ruin me. I imagine car crashes and how that's a perfect 2-in-1. But now I'm thinking about illness in a new way, though not a new way for my mom. My mother suffers all the time from so many conditions I can't remember the names of, they sound so obscure and the list keeps growing... I think about how much I've inherited from my mother, how I am practically her. And I'm thinking about how this past year has been riddled with sickness during the loneliest time of my life. How my body seems to give out every 2 months now. Can I say: I am proud of myself? I chose love as often as I could today. I tried not to let my fever get me down. I sobbed writing a letter to an imaginary person I may never meet, when it hit me that all I wanted for today was to be held in someone's arms. To feel my hair smoothed back as I'm told everything is okay. I celebrated my stoic solitude last year and called it a triumph. And it was! A new feat entirely! But the weight became unbearable a long time ago. I feel myself teetering on the edge of a long fall and I am clinging with white knuckles to the part of me that wants to smile brightly in the face of all this despair. That wants to make others feel good. I love my optimism and I mourn its loss lately. I need to be kinder to myself. Why do I write to a future maybe, a no one? Why can't I write to myself in a way that isn't just venting my sorrows?

I long for deep friendship and warm touches. I ache to be understood. I just don't know what to do here, how to get myself out mentally, physically from this place. My future is white noise while everyone else seems to watch theirs play out in 4K. ~ Blood from my nose as I prepare to post this.

[queen-of-my-goofball-army]

"What're we gonna do tonite Brain?

NARF!!

Pinky are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so Brain, but if they called them Sad Meals, kids wouldn't buy them." (Pinky, Pinky And The Brain.)

When I was in the fourth grade, I was alone so much of the time. I struggled to make friends, people thought that I was "weird", and I was just not having a fun time there. My saving grace was my fourth grade teacher, Mrs. McFarland. She did everything within her power to make sure that I was comfortable in her classroom even if it meant that she had to deal with my over dramatic nature at that age.

During that first week of school she showed our class something that would help me get through both that year and the repeating year of the same grade. When our class was learning geography Mrs McFarland whipped out a video that she warned us was dated but was a great way to introduce us to the idea of the thing. That was, of course, Yakko's Nations Of The World. The second I saw that song start, it changed everything for me. I promised myself that when I got home that day I would watch all the episodes of the cartoon. That was one I came across *one* silly lab mouse that would change my life forever.

My story with Pinky is a rather lonely one if I'm being entirely honest. To put things simply, for years he was my best friend. Now you might ask yourself, how is that possible that your best friend can be a fictional character that doesn't exist in real life? Well I'll tell you. My two "best friends" at the time thought that it would be a smart idea to spread all kinds of rumors about why I had to repeat the fourth grade. They ranged from oh she got into too many fights to she flunked and had to repeat the grade again. In reality what not many were privy to I just wanted to be the same age as everybody else instead of a year younger. But the damage had already been done. I was alone aside from a couple of acquaintances. Which is what led me to relying heavier on my comfort characters. The one who got the most millage was Pinky. He made me laugh when I was at my loneliest and it was through that laughter that I was able to heal and forgive. I don't remember the hurt but I remember the hours upon hours of laughter that Pinky gave to me when I was a kid.

To this day I still have this huge immense fondness for Pinky. He changed everything about my life and fundamentally altered what made me laugh. From the ages of five to ten what made me laugh was mostly slapstick. But after Pinky came into my life I found myself laughing at dialogue for the most part and not when Pinky got hurt. I actually hated whenever Pinky was injured in any way even if it was meant for comedy sake. It hurt my heart because he was just such a pure and innocent soul. Well maybe not "innocent" but you know what I mean. It was the first time that something made me laugh where I looked at something beyond getting smacked for being stupid. In my opinion Pinky is actually really smart it's just that he's not really all there most of the time. But when he has good ideas they usually work or come close to working.

If you didn't know, Pinky is voiced by Rob Paulsen. Otherwise known as my favorite voice actor and the man that singlehandedly changed my life. Whenever I look back at the characters that have changed my childhood Pinky is always the first one I think of. He's the one that's always been there for me. He's become my favorite comfort character that I have in my arsenal because he's just helped me out the most. Throughout my COVID-Con experience I've been lucky enough to have so many opportunity's to talk with my heroes. But, my favorite will always be the very first one that I ever did. When I finally got to tell the voice actor that had helped me out so much over the course of his life it felt like something that had been building for much longer.

Pinky to me is the embodiment of laughter and joy. Every time I watch him I feel more joyful, I smile more, and my heart warms. If I could give any of my comfort characters a big ol' hug it would be Pinky because throughout everything in my life, whether sad or glad he was there.