#i think they should always do 2 press cycles a year i need this biannual reminder. for my health

[markantonys]

the very topmost highlight of this month's wotshow press cycle

[walkonwalkonwithhopeinyourheart]

Transfer Windows and /r/LiverpoolFC: A Survival Guide via /r/LiverpoolFC

Transfer Windows and /r/LiverpoolFC: A Survival Guide

In February 2001, the European Commission reached a compromise agreement with European football leagues that prevented clubs from cherry-picking the best players from other clubs mid-season. Prior to the 2002/03 season, clubs could sign players all the way up to March (e.g. United signed Cantona in November of 1992). From 2002, clubs were limited to two fixed periods per year (a month in the winter, and two in the summer) rather than a near-year-round free-for-all. As a result, the transfer window has become a biannual tradition involving mass displays of anticipation, delirium and, in the case of Liverpool, various kinds of references to male genitalia.

The start of news and fan discussion about an player movements during transfer windows depends inversely on the team's performance leading up to the window. In other words, the poorer results have been, the more eager fans are to blame the players (e.g. quality, form, injuries, fit), and the keener the daily rags are to kindle transfer talk and provide them with wish fulfillment ammunition ("HAMSTRUNG HAMMERS CHASE CREAM OF CATALAN INIESTA").

This behaviour is largely driven by the prevailing wisdom of the modern "we are in the business of results" world of football that if the problem is results then the business must be "even more players." While, like everything in football, this is only 50% true, you will find many fans convinced that their team is one or two purchases away from promotion/establishing themselves/the top 4/winning the league/conquering Europe. Smelling the sweet scent of click-bait, journalists and particularly, strangers on the internet with access to social media and concerns about their self-worth, will attempt to guess what football clubs probably want to do with your money and your feelings. This is, in fact, also 50%, but I won't tell you which 50%.

By the close of the window, unsurprisingly, clubs will sign a few players and sell a few to balance the books. Once in a Blue Moon, a club will have a massive clear-out with a spending spree to follow, and just as often, that club will have a barren window with as many signings as a Stephen Hawking book tour (I love you Stephen, please don't give me a Newtonian demonstration; of a bullet, its mass and its acceleration). Clubs normally set expectations via journalists by announcing the size of the gaffer's war chest, as if he's some sort of sea-faring empire.

This summer, we've heard numbers ranging from £100m to £200m if factoring in potential outgoings. On the one hand, it provides fans with confidence that the club is trying to improve, but on the other, it provides ammunition for critics of club management should the transfer window not pan out as planned. Arsene Wenger, for example, is a master at not spending money that is apparently been available for almost a decade (2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, 2010). This tradition of feigned excess has continued so long that Arsenal fans, widely cherished for their loveable #banter and self-deprecation, can often be heard amongst the lush birdsong in the serene park atmosphere of Ashburton Grove, calling out, "Spend some fuuuucking money!"

Then there are the ITKs (in-the-knows), an elite set of Twitter accounts that leak transfer and other club information from their internal source, a techncial term for whichever orifice of theirs contains the most bile or shite on a particular day. The term itself originates from football hooliganism, as those who were well-informed about and involved in football firm (hooligan/gang) activities and whatnot were considered to be "in the know." With a similar blatant disregard for human life, the modern ITK wages a brutal turf war with common sense, themselves and occasionally, the English language.

A cynic would say that we should shut everything off and out until September 1st (when the transfer window closes) and just see who the club has signed and sold to avoid having to deal with all the rumourmongers and transfer tattle. But that cynic is a joyless wankstain who:

doesn't read any of the article when it's posted on the sub but has to make a comment about something clearly covered in the second paragraph;

downvotes when they disagree with a comment despite that comment CLEARLY CONTRIBUTING TO THE DISCUSSION;

still thinks that FSG is the absolute worst because they are Yanks and don't care about the culture of a club that they themselves haven't cared about ever, and;

doesn't see the incongruity in wishing for a rich foreigner to buy the club while at the same time not wanting tourists anywhere near Anfield.

The true fan, on the other hand, has already worn down their F5 key, knows the transfer reliability chart by heart, and can tell you in great detail who Amadou, Di Marzipan, Rangnick and Ramy are. Their emotions are tied very closely to the daily news cycle, starting when they wake up and coming to a close as tomorrow's back pages are sent out at 10.30pm each night. Every quote tweeted out by AnfieldHQ (whose logo still looks like a stylised car to me) launches them into delirium or despair, whether it's about pain thresholds, supermarkets or the rides in Blackpool. Theses fans were made for the transfer window and the transfer window is undoubtedly made for them. Long may you suffer, so long as you suffer together.

True fans also have an inexplicable need to relate everything to penises, though this is not always restricted to transfer window shenanigans. "COCKS OUT LADS" and "NO LEAN, NO PEEN" are common refrains. Occasionally these lines get the seasonal treatment when a name-based pun fits: "KLOPPS OUT LADS" or "DIJKS OUT LADS" are more recent examples.

Some go further with TV quotes - "STOP, I CAN ONLY GET SO ERECT" - or talk of edging and violent orgasms. Maybe this is what happens when you have /u/_cumblast_ around. Or maybe it's just #penisbantz amiright, lads? You know, just lads being lads who maybe have some insecurities about penis size, relationships and their sex lives in what is often a senseless, fast-moving world (ha ha!) in which we have struggled to learn how to thrive because we might not have had valuable teenage experiences (omg right?!) to show us how to cope with our fears, anxiety and failures (lol). #CocksOutForFreudianDysphoria, amirite lads?

Speaking of the state of unease or a generalised dissatisfaction with life, let's talk about Blackpool, and more specifically, tapping up. The critical component of tapping dat footballing asset - talking to another team's player about financial terms and whatnot before their club has given the buying club permission to do so - is a grey area. There are obviously rules to prevent this, to prevent clubs from negotiating transfer fees down when they know that a player's head has already been turned. This is why they avoid asking for permission, because it usually requires a fee to be agreed up front. The secret to being happy that nobody tells you about is to just not get caught.

Of course, most clubs do a decent job of keeping conversations with agents and players under wraps and away from prying eyes so that the player's club doesn't have any evidence of their player being tapped up (even if they suspect it). Liverpool are utter, utter wank at this (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7). The single-minded determination of this club not to learn from past mistakes is truly admirable.

After convincing van Dijk to ignore advances from Chelsea and City, the press then lauded Liverpool in public over this victory while the club dawdled and didn't make a bid. This is akin to having a wank right before sex with your dream wo/man or to keeping all of your clothes on the entire time you're in bed after - as though /r/me_irl, /r/TIFU and /r/CringeAnarchy were a football club.

By the time late-August rolls around, you will be glad for the football recommencing and some fresh air once you've clambered through the transfer window. We'll be able to go back to watching games, celebrating goals, moaning about decisions/injuries/rivals, harassing /u/HUGE_HOG about WILs, and generally bantering about our penises like proper lads do. Until then, hang in there, there's no getting of Klopp's wild ride.

And just for good measure, here's a quick 8 point survival guide to the transfer window and how to be a better person on /r/liverpoolfc:

Don't get caught

If the answer to the question or suggestion in your post is "no" then don't post it. If the answer is "yes" then post it, unless the answer is just "yes" in which case, don't post it

Be smart

When you are feeling depressed about our transfer activity, remember that you could have paid £45m for Anthony Martial or £30m for Moussa Sissoko and feel better

If you want to know what our line-up is going to look like next season with players we haven't signed yet, then just do it in your head

At the very least, take the weekend off from Liverpool news and transfer rumours; nothing happens on the weekend other than idle speculation. Use the time to craft an amazing hypothetical starting line-up in your head

New players probably don't need songs. In fact, we have plenty of players struggling for one already. I like the Gini Wijnaldum one though - that's a good'un. Do more like that

Here are the transfer window puns I'm aware of, for quick reference. I will add to this if you point me towards any I've missed:

Naby = not be

Keita = key to

Amadou = I'ma do

Dijk = dick

Submitted July 06, 2017 at 06:28PM by djimonia via reddit http://ift.tt/2sR9HDs