#i think the worst part is the rending guilt because i constantly have 15 other things i need to do

[arysthaeniru]

I think what really gets to me about working academia is that it really does exploit your passion for it in so many fucking ways. There’s never an end to work, never a fucking break. I attend classes do the reading for my classes, attend the classes I’m TAing for, do the readings for those, organize lessons plans, grade all the student papers and am available to answer questions. I also have to read additional papers in the field to stay active, I have to write papers t stay relevant, and I have to be socially up to date in the developments of my department so they don’t fuck me over on funding. I write several grants, knowing that all but one will be rejected and that it’s a horrible waste of my time where I beg for any money to do important work. I serve on four committees as the ‘diversity person’ and I do so because I want to try and make academia less hellish for the people who come after me, and after that, I still have to build my brand on twitter. 

And it never ends. In three weeks, my classes are over, but I still have committees, it’s the only time I get to do independent research and I have to TA classes anyway, because I need to pay my fucking rent.

My parents work hard jobs, but at least they get to leave it at work. They can clock out and veg out, but work just fucking haunts me everywhere. There’s always more to be doing, and it’s never enough. 

I’m so goddamn tired and burnt out and I’m working more than the 20 hours I’m legally supposed to TA, but I need a letter of rec from this man, so I can’t report him to the union. What’s the point of having a union, when everything in academia is at least 80% nepotism and who you know, and who you can’t afford to alienate? I just...urgh. It’s my second year. I feel exhausted. And it only gets worse. QEs are soon, and those are going to murder me, and the anxiety is just so overwhelming. Ahhhhhhh. 

But I want desperately to talk about Okinawa, to Okinawans and do the scholar-activist thing. I can’t imagine doing anything but. So I guess I put up with the rest of this bullshit. But I’m so exhausted. Is this really the rest of my life?