#i think the show memory is a monster theme really took a lot from the structure of the vampire armand book

[bishonenvoicedbyadyke]

extracts from the vampire armand, Anne Rice, 1998

[heromaker-if]

do you have any other ifs that we can read whilst we wait😭😭🫶🫶

Hi anon! Thanks for the ask and your patience! 🥰

I do have some other IFs that I worked on in the past but I don't recommend playing them (I was still learning how to write at that time, so they aren't great). But if you want some IF reccs, I can recommend some IFs I've read recently.

(Sorry for the tags friends, and for the rants!)

(Released) My all time favourite is The Fernweh Saga by @lacunafiction - it's just genuinely so good and it always gives me the vibes of one of those shows you watch after dinner, that becomes part of your routine and you want to see desperately what happens after, and the characters become part of your memories, almost like people. It's just UGH such a good IF. If you like nostalgic hometown horrors, this IF is for you.

(Released) Very close favourite is Blood Moon by @barbwritesstuff - WEREWOLVES GUYS!! I've replayed this game so many times. It's one of those games that after you finish, no matter how long of a break you take from it, you always return to it. I love the "found family" of this game, even though it's not really found, it's just... family. I miss them! The romance in this story is also written so beautifully.

(Released) Another fav is The Golden Rose by @anathemafiction - it was one of my favs while it was still in WIP and after it's released I took so long to play it cause I never wanted to finish it. Like, I grew so attached to its story that I didn't want to let it go. 😭 Very well written characters and the descriptions of things, places, feelings, expressions, mannerisms, is so endearing and eye-catching, never a second where I skipped a line, I was CAUGHT. If you like a story with ominous beginnings, middles and ends, this is for you, not to mention the whole religion themes that are so interesting to dive into.

(Released) I miss this one so much but The Soul Stone War by @intimidatingpuffinstudios - there's two books out for this one already and each one is better than the previous. It's fantasy and about powers and there's a dragon lady that you can romance, and the POLY IN THIS IS BEAUTIFUL! Very soulmate-y romance and just generally captivating storytelling.

(Released) Nothing will ever hit the same as The Passenger by @the-passenger-if - there's just something so familiar, so memorable about this story. I don't think in my next lifetime I will ever forget it. It's about an eldritch horror battling with humanity and it's raw primal role as a monster. It feels short but only because you're so into it that time passes you by, but the tone and the flow of this story is very well done (as well as the characters! 🥰).

(WIP) I feel like everyone and their mothers know about Infamous by @infamous-if - but I'm going to talk about it anyways. It's a BAND IF, yes, music, yes, adrenaline, fame, and all the bad decisions that come with it. It's only one chapter out right now, but it's very worth it. I guarantee you the brainrot you will get from this game is going to consume your life.

(WIP) A somewhat popular one as well is Body Count by @bodycountgame - I haven't seen a game do the whole modern reality TV show with a tinge of horrifying brutal horror as well as Nell has, and even though it's still in its early stages, it's very well done and interesting. Lots of ROs to choose from, and genuinely funny humour to laugh about in between the crying sessions of a favourite character dying.

(WIP) Haven't heard that many people talking about this one to be fair but Chop Shop by @losergames - Also a very early stages game, but it's very adrenaline inducing and has so much potential that has me shaking in my seat. I'm already half in love with the cast and I can't wait to go need for speed and play a super chaotic individual.

Also any game by @hpowellsmith, they're amazing at creating consistent well written stories that have such great characters and even better representation. They do it so well, and I've been a fan of them for years now, definitely one of my role models!

I'm sure there are many more IFs out there that you NEED to play/read, but my mind is blank right now, and these are the only ones I could think of. I also don't have as much time to get into an IF, but I'm getting there (thinking of getting into Shepherds of Haven - which you should!)

[petrichor-idyllic]

Hi Petri, I would want to request a Minho x fem! reader where they know each other since before the mazes, when where just some simple tests in wckd, they were really close but were sent out to different mazes, reader's maze was in the edge of a river (who was the maze btw) and she manages to get out and get to the safe haven, and she have this glimpses of her past, dreams of things that happened, memories, but to her they're just stupid dreams, that's until she sees Minho again and everything seems to click cause she knows she knows him, and he has this feeling she's familiar too and then te friendship they had transition to love. (I saw your post about oc's and tried my best to be kinda of creative with this request, hope it went well 😅)

Ooo, I really like the idea of a water-based Maze. I can imagine little floating shacks held up by sticks and a rowing boat needed to traverse the Maze- definitely a good idea.

Also, I'm a sucker for the dream trope in this universe.

LIFE BEFORE DROWNING

MASTERLIST | MINHO MASTERLIST

SUMMARY: See above. Movie based fic because of the different Mazes.

WARNINGS: Inappropriate language, awkward teenagers, mention of Newt's suicide attempt, I've made up a monster for your Maze that is the equivalent of the Grievers, some mild suggestive themes, WICKED being WCKD because movie.

After hearing the experiences of other WCKD Subjects, you're starting to realise that your Maze was a little weird.

There was a Maze full of boys, one full of girls, another with mixed, some with monsters, some without- all nearly impossible to solve.

And yours was full of water.

For a few years, your life was like waking up and forgetting there's not ground beneath your feet, walking off your little wooden platform, and nearly drowning. You disliked the water.

It meant you also has to explore your Maze in a poorly constructed boat and had to deal with a half-metal half-serpent monster that roamed your Maze.

It was terrifying.

But that's not the only thing that strikes you as different to the others.

You remember things. Well, kind of.

Whilst you were in your Maze, you used to have memories- well, dreams -of your life before the Maze.

And most of them consisted of the same boy.

Asian. Dark-haired. Well-built. Taller than you. Handsome. Sarcastic. Passionate. And he cared about you, clearly.

You had dreams of playing card games together, sneaking around a lab, exchanging glances and pulling faces at each other whilst men in lab coats probe you, and staying up late in a cafeteria area when you weren't meant to.

It was all simple and meaningless- none of it ever held any significance. But it meant a lot to you. You didn't understand it, but it feels like you know this boy and that your friends with him.

You used to tell your friends in the Maze about it, and none of then experienced anything similar. So, you're really on your own with this one.

Though, one of your friends- your best friend, actually; a girl called Emmy, said something that stuck with you. And maybe even made you think it's true.

"Maybe WCKD couldn't take away the people we loved the most, no matter how hard they tried."

That doesn't matter, though. The survival rate of the Maze and WCKD in general is low.

But you're not in the Maze, anymore.

You were one of the first groups to be taken away from WCKD and put in the Safe Haven. You pretty much went straight from the Maze to paradise.

It was about sixish months later that the Gladers showed up. They'd been through hell and back, so Vince told everyone to give them space apart from the few people they actually knew.

You didn't really care for new arrivals. There has been a few since you got there, so it kind of became normal. But since Vince is back now, you doubt you'll get anymore.

Because of your simple lack of care, and the assumption the guy in your dreams is dead, it took you an embarrassingly long time to actually notice Minho.

A couple of weeks into the Gladers arrival, you stopped dead in your tracks, causing Emmy to walk straight into the back of you and drop soil absolutely everywhere.

"Bro? What the hell?" Emmy hisses. You don't respond, staring straight ahead. "(Y/N)?"

"It's him," you say.

"What?" She follows your line of sight, her gaze landing on the boy.

"The boy from my dream-memories - that's him."

"Holy shit. Are you sure?"

Minho is sitting at one of the dining tables with Gally, Thomas and Frypan, whilst you stand there like a deer in the headlights.

"Uh, dude," Thomas says to Minho as he takes a swig of the alcohol that Gally's made. Some things never change and the Gladers have got into the habit of finishing their jobs as soon as possible and day drinking to cope. "That girl is totally staring at you."

"Huh?" Minho looks at his friend, who points at you.

And then he looks at you.

"Oh, fuck, he's looking." You immediately avert your gaze. "Shit, Emmy, move. Go, go." You awkwardly push your friend away.

"My soil-"

"We can get more damn soil!" And with that, you flee.

Well, that was probably the most embarrassing thing you've done. That you can remember, at least.

Minho's blood ran cold, however.

You met his eyes for only a couple of seconds and it felt like he'd known you his whole life. You feel... familiar.

Minho didn't experience the same constant dreams you did- mainly because he's plagued by nightmares of Grievers and that day he found Newt out there. But he's had a couple. He can't remember them very well, but the parts he does remember have your face in it.

You go on acting a bit weird. Every chance you have to look at Minho, you take it.

Which also goes on for a couple of weeks.

"Haven't spoken to him, then?"

"'Course I haven't," you grumble to Emmy as you do your work in the garden. "And I'm not going to."

"What? Why not?"

"Because how would I go about that? 'Hey, dude, you don't know me but I've been having dreams about you for as long as I can remember- wanna be pals?'"

She chuckles, shaking her head. "I mean, why not?"

"What?"

"Why not go and say that to him? I mean, people have probably experienced weirder things 'causea WCKD- and those bastards from Group A had it the worst. I'm sure he'll understand."

"We don't know him," you groan, throwing your head back.

"But you do-"

"No, I don't." You sigh. "Maybe- maybe I used to, but I don't now. This is dumb." You pick up the empty water bucket and start walking backwards. "I'm not gonna speak to him- there's no point-! Shit!"

You back up into someone, the bucket clattering to the floor and the slight splash of water left in spilling out.

"Shit, sorry-" you turn around, meeting Minho's eyes. You blink, steeping back to lengthen the short distance between you. "Uh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... I-I wasn't looking-"

"It's cool. All good," he holds his hands up.

Little did you know, Minho was actually on his way over to talk to you.

You let out a breath of relief, giving him an awkward smiles. "So, who aren't you going to talk to?"

He grins at you, playfully, and you look to Emmy for help. Who simply shrugs.

"Uh, nobody- doesn't matter."

"Alright," he clicks his tongue, "you guys are from a Maze, right? That weird, like, river one?"

"You been asking people about us?" Emmy pipes up and you glare at her.

"Just heard a couple of things," he puts his hands in his pockets, rocking in his heels. He looks at the bucket on the floor. "You need water?"

"Uh, yeah, we use it for the watering can. I was just about to get some more."

"Ah, it's fine," he bends over and picks it up, "I'll get it for ya."

"Oh, uh, don't you have a job to do?"

"I'm already done, besides, can't have a pretty girl wasting her energy, can I?" He smirks at you before turning and walking away, leaving you flustered.

You turn to Emmy, who is grinning from ear to ear.

"Don't."

Minho returns and insists on helping you out on the gardens. Emmy feigns illness to give you some alone time.

That you don't want.

Though, Minho is a shit gardener.

"It's obvious you didn't work with plants in your Maze," you chuckle.

"Really? I thought I was impressing you," he says sarcastically, and you roll your eyes. "I was a Runner, if you're interested."

"A Runner?" You lean on a plant support beam as Minho picks at some vegetables.

"Yeah, exactly what it says in the tin- I ran the Maze. Day in, day out. I was Keeper- uh, Leader of the Runners."

"Wow, musta been pretty good at it."

"I wasn't half bad," he chuckles. "What did you do? You have a job in your Maze?"

You shake your head. "Everyone kinda did a bit of everything. We worked on rotation since groups had to go out in boats, exploring the Maze was hard- so we all took it in turns. Fresh eyes also meant someone could spot something we didn't. Everyone was on the same field in my home."

"You didn't have a Leader?"

"Well, we all just respected the first guy that got there, but I wouldn't say he was in charge."

"So, you had guys and girls in your Maze?"

"Mhm, you didn't? Oh, shit yeah, you're Group A." You recall Emmy saying.

"Mhm- just dudes."

"Must've sucked. I can't imagine being stuck with just a buncha guys- gross."

He barks a laugh, standing up and shaking his had. "We had one girl- she was only there for a couple of days. But I'm pretty sure we did gross her out the brief time she was there."

"What was she like?"

"Total bitch-"

"Hey," you snap, "watch your mouth, man, you shouldn't talk about women like that."

He holds his hands up again. "Sorry. I just mean..." He trails off, the memory clearly becoming painful. "She betrayed us. Told WCKD our location and had me- well she- I was... shuck it."

"You don't have to tell me about it," you reassure him, "shit happens; I'm not entitled to know about it."

"No, uh," he hesitates. "It's weird, I wanna tell you. Kinda feels like I know you."

"We've never spoken before-" you try to brush off the comment, not wanting this awkward conversation. You figured once you came here, awkward conversations and relationship drama would be over.

"That's not what I mean," he sighs. "I know it's forward, but there are a lot of people I wish I woulda told klunk to before I lost 'em. So, I'm just sayin' it. You feel familiar. Like I know you before I lost my memories. You feel it too, right?"

You pause, but nod. "Yeah, I know you."

"Then we should be friends, right? If we know each other?"

You smile, feeling butterflies in your stomach. "Yeah, I'd like that."

And from then on, you became friends with Minho.

You eat with him, stay up late talking to him, get introduced to the Gladers, drink with them, and just generally have fun with him and his friends. Even Emmy joins in- and you're pretty sure she has a thing for Frypan.

But the problem is that you have a thing for Minho. He's effortlessly attractive, and he's funny and attentive. He makes it known he cares about you and likes making you laugh.

And it's starting to make your heart skip a beat, especially when he jokingly flirts with you. It did start off as a dumb inside joke, but now you're starting to hope it's genuine.

Your friendship grows closers and your wants grow bigger.

"What the hell are you doing?" You shout as you watch the Gladers splash water at each other and frolic in the ocean under the moonlight. They've all stripped down into their underwear in what was originally a dare from Emmy, but now they're enjoying it.

"Come on!" Minho shouts, standing up straight as he waves you towards him. You swallow as you watch salt water dribble down his abs.

Yanno, if he wasn't so fine, this crush would be less of a problem.

"The water feels shuckin' great! Aha! Oi! Gally! Stop it! You goddamn slinthead!" He shouts as he gets attacked.

"C'mon, (Y/N), it'll be fun." Emmy giggles, kicking her shoes off and walking towards the water.

Then she freezes. Just before her toes hit the water.

Due to the nature of your Maze, most people got attacked by the fresh-water monster you called the Serpent. You only had the one, but it's shadow lurked under the boat and it's full form was never seen because of it's size.

Either you got bit when it jumped out the water and it dragged you with it until you drowned, or it injected you with venom. It wouldn't kill you, but it left you seething with agony for days.

You got biten twice. Emmy three times.

You don't like big bodies of water now- especially when you can't see the bottom.

"Emmy?" You step towards your friend, putting your hand on her shoulder.

"I-I can't- what if something's in there?"

"There's nothing in there; we're safe here. But you don't have to go in. I'm not."

"C-can we get a drink?"

"Sure," you give her a soft smile. "Hey, guys!" You shout, getting the boys' attention. "We're calling it a night- see you tomorrow."

They group hollars their goodbyes and you both leave to have a couple of drinks before bed.

You watch Emmy sleep, hands in your pockets as she lightly snores in her pocket.

"Hey," Minho makes you jump and you immediately shush him. "Hey," he repeats, in a whisper this time. "You okay? You kinda ran off before."

He's fully clothed now, but his hair's still damp.

"Yeah," you clear your throat, "just... Maze shit, you know?"

He raises his head up a bit. "Dare I ask?"

You sigh, nodding for him to follow you. He does as you sit on once of the benches on the sand.

He gingerly sits next to you.

"You ever wonder why Emmy and I don't really talk to anyone else?"

"Kinda, just figured you didn't like many people."

"It's because we're the only two people that survived our Maze." He shifts slightly, his jaw tensing. "You had your Grievers, we had our Serpent. It was Lovecraftian big, and we had to get through the last part of our Maze on foot because getting the boats over the circular doorframes was taking too long. It was a bloodbath- let that thing pick us off one by one until me and Emmy were the last men standing. She doesn't like- we don't like water anymore." You pause.

"I always think the Serpent is going to dive out and drag me under or tear me shreds." You look at him. "I know it's dumb and we're safe here but I-" your voice breaks. "I can't- I lost everyone, I can't-"

"Hey, hey," he throws his arm around you, pulling you into a hug. "It's okay, I get it. You know, whenever anyone's building anything around here with those tools we stole from WCKD, I can't be anywhere near it. It sounds exactly like the noises the Grievers used to make- I don't know how Gally works with that klunk all day."

"We're fucked up, huh?" You chuckle between sniffs and he grins at you.

"Yeah, we are. Thanks WCKD."

You both chuckle. But you stop when your eyes land on his lips, flickering up to his eyes and his lips again.

"What do you think we used to be? Before the Maze?" You mumble.

He smiles faintly. "What do you mean?"

Maybe it's the buzz from the alcohol from your drinking game that's making you so bold, or maybe it's how close he is. It doesn't matter- you're drunk in some sense.

"Well, we know each other, do you reckon we were just friends or..?"

He tilts his head. "Why? What did you want us to be?"

"I used to have dreams about you- in the Maze. All the time. Emmy used to tease me about my 'old boyfriend'," you smile fondly, "it was so dumb, but... I don't know."

"Do you wonder if she was right?"

You don't speak, just giving a simple nod. "Do you want her to be?"

"Do you?"

You lock eyes with him. His eyelids are heavy and his body is now completely facing you. "Shuck it," he mumbles, leaning in a kissing you.

You gasp into his lips for a second, and it feels like something bursts in your chest.

You kiss him back immediately, fire sparking along your skin and the world feeling lighter. You run your fingers through his hair, his pulling you closer by your waist.

He pulls away, sucking in air. He goes to speak but as his eyes flicker open, it's like something overwhelms him and he kisses you again, deeper this time. His tongue brushes over your lower lip and he pulls on the belt straps of your jeans.

You hum into his mouth, egging him on further. But he suddenly breaks away.

"I gotta stop," he mumbles, pretty much into you, "or I'm gonna get carried away."

You snicker, the thought making more butterflies form in your stomach.

"Yanno," he continues, breathing laboured. "It doesn't really matter what we used to be- it matters what we are now."

"And?" You raise your eyebrow. "What do you want that to be?"

He grins. "Haven't I made that obvious?" He says before he kisses you again.

Yo yo, I really liked this one, and I got to be creative with making my own WCKD creation.

I hope you enjoyed :))

[songhunter]

trans allegory in mystic fragrance and forbidden rain

aka: the essay no one asked for

Content warnings for: Discussions of homophobia and transphobia, and brief mentions of suicide.

If you guys have any other comments on this topic (especially KnightsPs, I'm an UNDEADP so I'm less familiar with their lore) please comment or rb or drop an ask or anything! I love talking. It's also been a hot minute (3 or 4 years) since I last took an English class so my analysis is a little rusty.

Part 1: UNDEAD's "Monster" and Queerness

Every UNDEAD song (with one exception) has the same premise — the singers are the impure, immoral monsters who are singing to a pure, human audience. There are two genres of UNDEAD song:

“I’m a monster seducing you into the darkness, give into your desires because I know that secretly you want it too” — Immoral World, Savage Love Affair, etc.

“I’m a monster and I’m so badass” — Darkness 4, Nightless World, etc.

Darkness 4 lyrics, translation by Shirayukin on Fandom wiki.

The “monster” in UNDEAD’s music is shorthand for anyone that exists outside of a pure society. By joining the monsters, you become tainted and can't return to society, but that’s the only way you can possibly live as your authentic self. In this way, the "darkness" is a safe space that these monsters have created for themselves.

This is, of course, a reference to Rei and how he feels ostracized from society -- the whole reason why Koga began UNDEAD was as a message to Rei that if Rei felt like a monster, he shouldn't roll over and die, but live with them as an undead. However, the concept of the queer monster is incredibly applicable imo. Historically, lots of villains in horror media were queer-coded as a way of eliciting disgust or a fear response, as a way of making its villain seem strange and, well, queer. (Oh, no! Look at all these horrible people ruining life for the law-abiding families!) The link between queerness and horror has been analyzed to death.

But queer people also love the misunderstood monster who's shunned by "proper" society. The gothic novels that originated the horror genre in the 1800s, like Dracula or the Picture of Dorian Grey, were written by queer authors and/or contained scores of queer themes. Do I need to go into why werewolves, shapeshifters who had to go deep into the woods to hide their wolf form, can be read as queer? Do I need to go into why Frankenstein, someone abandoned by his own creator and shunned by society by the nature of his existence alone (something out of his control), can be read as queer? Do I really need to go into why the modern-day vampire is queer? Vampires? Of course queer people will love these monsters, because they see themselves in the monsters, more so than the victims. (Also, nothing more in line with the queer experience than seeing a monster and going “ngl they're kinda hot actually.”)

In summary: It's very easy to read UNDEAD songs and UNDEAD's conceptualization of the "monster" through a queer lens. The monster is queer, and the monster welcomes you into the darkness and invites you to also give into your desire to live freely.

Immoral World lyrics, translation by Mandy on Fandom wiki.

Also, shout out the love you tried to hide, huh? Show me your truth? Show me your pride?

Dude.

Dude.

Sidenote: The one exception to this “monster” theme is of course the elephant in the room, Sustain Memories. I think it plays well into UNDEAD’s image — at least in !-era, Rei, Adonis, and Koga have always been the monsters, while Kaoru is the human that joined them (see: their Halloween costumes in !-era). So Kaoru doesn’t sing of monsters, he sings of a human love. There's also something to be said about Kaoru being the one member of UNDEAD who tried so desperately to appear cishet and experience a "normal" love in !-era. But also, it's a wedding song because the anime boys look cute when they sing about weddings.

Part 2: What about Forbidden Rain?

Here's the thing about UNDEAD's other monster songs -- they're always proud of being monsters. They're not ashamed, and they want the audience to join them in their freedom.

Forbidden Rain lyrics, translation by @/snaketaper on Twitter.

On the other hand, the singer in Forbidden Rain sees themselves as a "beast" who can never be forgiven, someone who's slowly poisoning their pure lover. They love them so much that they apparently have to let go of them, for their own sake. It's the first song that actually contains references to genuine love (usually UNDEAD is just horny).

The song remains sort of ambiguous about the nature of the relationship between the singer and the audience. It's clear that the audience does actually care for the singer, since they do reach out a "gentle hand" that the singer can't take. But the singer says, "Let's end this thing that never even began" -- are they even together in the first place? Maybe it never began because they were scared of the "beast." Or maybe it never truly began because the relationship was built on a lie. They sing about a beast inside them that they have to hide, and says that their current self -- the one they show to the audience -- is a fake. And this is something that cannot be forgiven.

It's not hard to read this in the context of queerness. Maybe it's about a gay singer who doesn't want to reveal their feelings and tarnish a platonic relationship. Or maybe it's a trans singer who's wracked with guilt at keeping their identity under wraps and hasn't come out to their heterosexual lover, so they want to break off things before they come out and taint their previous relationship.

In Love & Beast, the "source material" behind Forbidden Rain, Inogari (Adonis' character) is soft-spoken, protective, and kind. He saves the main police character in the very first scene. He's an ambassador and a respected enough member of society that he's part of the Sakurayama (Rei's character) social club. He uses "watashi," which is even more polite than Adonis' "ore." He literally faints at the sight of blood. He's the picture of innocence and goodness and all that society approves of. But in a Jekyll and Hyde-like twist, he ends up secretly being the killer Beast. In the end, the Beast is finally caught when Inogari realizes the truth and chains himself to a wall so he can be caught by the police in an act of sacrifice.

Inogari is the picture of propriety, but he keeps the Beast repressed, and eventually this Beast destroys him. Even if you try your best to act as part of proper society, you'll never really fit in.

Silent Oath lyrics, translation by royalquintet on Fandom wiki.

Another note: Forbidden Rain has a lot of the same themes of self-sacrifice, repression, and pure, romantic love that Knights songs do. Knights, in game, is a much more traditional idol unit than UNDEAD is. Forbidden Rain thus attempts to align itself more closely with the socially acceptable Knights, but it's still an UNDEAD song at its core. The monster is inescapable.

Part 3: Mystic Fragrance and Trans Allegory

This thread by @/pretty5P on twitter (https://x.com/pretty5p/status/1625958198623539200?s=46&t=lm_x5Uw5f8pKXHUoLzYksw) is a really cool analysis on the perfume symbolism in the song and how it relates to Arashi's gender identity (go read it!!), but if you don’t want to give Elon Musk ad revenue, the gist of it is this: Odette is her "masculine" initial impression, the impression others have of her, and the impression that fades most quickly. Odile is her lasting "feminine" self and the true self that remains when the top notes fade away.

Over the course of the song, the singer (Odette/Odile) grows more and more tainted, going from a pure white dress to a multicolored rainbow dress to a pitch black dress. The final perfume note is desire, the desire to live as themselves, the desire to be with the person they love.

Mystic Fragrance lyrics, translation by KYM2020 on Fandom wiki.

While the song does focus on a pure romantic love, just like Knight's songs, the symbolism of wanting to be Odile is far more similar to UNDEAD's monster. The idea of a "hidden desire" lying in wait beneath pure feelings is explored in almost every song, as is the symbolism of a dress that gets tainted by desire:

Savage Love Affair lyrics, translation by Nina on Fandom wiki.

And just like UNDEAD songs, the "tainting" of the pure is never presented as a bad thing. Note the references to the moon in both -- it's only in the dead of night, in a midnight ballroom, that one can "spread their wings" and reveal their true self. The darkness, the space of monsters, is a safe space, and in the light of the truth-seeking moon the singer of Mystic Fragrance says that their audience is beautiful.

In the original Swan Lake ballet, Odette is a beautiful woman who falls in love with Prince Siegfried. She's cursed to transform into a swan in the daytime, a curse that can only be broken if someone who has never sworn their love to anyone swears their love to her (in other words, someone untainted). Unfortunately, the evil sorcerer who cursed her turns his daughter into Odile, the black swan who looks identical to Odette, and Siegfried mistakenly confesses his love to her. Knowing that the curse can never be broken, Odette throws herself into the lake rather than live the rest of her life as a swan, and Siegfried joins her.

Mystic Fragrance isn't tragic, however.

Part 4: Living your truth

The endings of Forbidden Rain and Mystic Fragrance are where they differ. Both of their source endings are tragic — Inogari is unable to control the Beast and shackles himself to a wall, waiting to be arrested. Odette and Siegfried leap into a lake and drown themselves, because the only way they can be together is in death. Forbidden Rain ends with the singer holding their loved one close to them one last time in the rain before they leave.

But Arashi rejects her source material because she chooses to embrace the monster. She becomes Odile. She decides to live her truth, and as the top notes and heart notes fade away, all that lingers is her true self. That's why Mystic Fragrance has a happy ending.

There's a lot of symbolism in the Mystic Fragrance music video with respect to the person who loved Arashi during the war era and who killed themselves. She spreads her arms like the wings of an angel and sings in front of a setpiece that looks like the cenotaph. Her outfit contains anemones, symbols of a lost love and grief (and, coincidentally, the flower that Adonis in greek myth turned into when he died). Her greatest regret was that that person couldn't love themselves the way Arashi now tries to love herself. In this way, Mystic Fragrance is like a message to that person -- live your truth.

[crowbawt]

I really should be sleeping but my anxiety so instead here's a very long disjointed post with thoughts about the Man in the Wall after playing Whispers

Spoilers obviously

So the climax of the quest was us somehow holding back Mr. Big Indifference using a memory of love. And it makes sense, because what is the opposite of Indifference towards others? Caring about them. Which is kind of our (Tenno) entire thing. To Take Away Its Pain, etc. There's also Rell, who was also able to hold back Wally, and how he was alienated by his peers and even Marghulis, and the Orokin society who feared and shunned him and didn't treat him as a fellow human being deserves to be treated. As some of the Red Veil blood scrawls in his quest put it, "What is evil, but indifference?" It works quite well, thematically. But Warframe doesn't really restrict itself to a singular, direct approach to invoking its themes. Shit's got layers. Which leads me to believe there may be other layers here, too. And at this point, I'm really not convinced that Wally is so simple as the cosmic idea of Indifference towards others, or even a personification of fear and other 'dark' aspects of the human condition. I mean, I believe he is partially that, we do get that dialogue from Sythel "The first scholar looked into the Void and felt fear, and that fear took form. That's how all this started." Albrecht also refers to himself as the "Father of fears" in his notes somewhere (I forgor) But... Fear is not Indifference. And the Man in the Wall not only shows great interest in many things (like Albrecht, and our Tenno) but he also shows a great deal of emotion. He is described by Duviri citizens as hungry, greedy, jealous. He has feelings, and he has a great deal of them. A being born of fear and indifference towards others doesn't really describe what we've seen of him very well. What Wally has been shown as time and time again is instead: a mirror. Our reflection. So here's the rhetorical question I'd like to ask: If Albrecht gazed into the grand cosmic mirror of existence, and his first reaction was fear, well... it wasn't really the Void he was afraid of, was it?

...Which probably doesn't seem like a point worth all this build up, considering how during the quest, Albrecht's flaw of showing indifference to others (Loid, specifically) is brought up a few times. Albrecht looked into the Void, his Indifference and fear seeped in, and the result was Wally. Makes perfect sense. To which I say, look at the scrollbar to the side of this post because I have soooooo much more bullshit to spew about my thoughts on this. Anyway. I've seen some theorizing that we're probably going to "defeat" the Man in the Wall by forgiving him or otherwise reaching out and showing him love, similar to the way we helped Umbra. Love will triumph over Indifference. And that makes sense and feels very Warframe and I do think that will happen. Buuuuut I don't think it's the only thing that's going to happen. Because if something is destroyed or undone by love, doesn't that... kind of undermine the message of loving an ugly, broken thing? Doesn't having the ultimate villain be some abstract space monster elder god representing pure un-love kind of jar with the very personal, human focus of Warframe's storylines? I don't think this is a Love vs. Indifference Pokemon typing match-up here, I don't think the Love requiem word is going to defeat the Indifference requiem word like a game of rock paper scissors. That would be too trite. Besides, it's not Wally's Indifference, really. It's Albrecht's.

And I've seen a lot, a lot of speculation that Wally "is" Albrecht, just a very derived evil alternate of him, and maybe Albrecht manages to convert himself into Wally as some kind of self-fulfilling quantum time-loop, becoming the reflection that reached out to his own self. It makes a lot of sense, what with the "We End as We Began" thing, and us encountering doppelganger smiley Albrecht in the quest. It works, thematically. This very well could be the answer and it wouldn't be bad storytelling per se.

However, for reasons I am not sure how to articulate at 3 am, I honestly kiiiiiind of hate it. It is not an ending to this that I'd be personally very satisfied with. Again, this doesn't mean it would be bad story-telling, or that other people wouldn't find it satisfying, it's just me and how I like my eldritch horror to be. So I choose to speculate other possibilities up until the point I am proven wrong, and if I am I promise to not be too annoyingly butthurt about it. Promise. Here's my preferred take: I think the "Great Indifference" name for The Man in the Wall is a massive red herring. I think it relates far more meaningfully to what he actually is if you instead interpret it as "undifferentiated."

As in, the Void is a massive roiling quantum soup of all possible outcomes that could exist, but don't--to us. Specifically, us, as in our unique conscious POV, or "personal timeline" or "Chain of Khra" or quantum observer "cone of light" or whatever you want to call it. We are a 3rd dimensional ant stuck walking down a Mobius strip of cause and effect, and the Void is everything that we can not perceive from our tiny tiny window of specific probability variables. We are unable to "change the frame," as Euleria puts it, and I interpret that as "frame of reference."

While a lot of the differences are more... semantic than anything, Eternalism is not actually just Warframe's funny in-universe stand-in name for the Multiple Worlds Interpretation of Reality. This is a whoooooole another post worth of word vomit I won't get into now but Warframe did not come up with Eternalism it's an actual established thing that they're referencing.

The Void is everything, all at once. And if something is everything, in a way it is also... nothing. No contrast, no ups and downs, no loss, no birth, no death, no questions, and no mysteries to ponder. Joy is the same as sorrow, alive is the same as dead, "change" as a broad concept is impossible. If there is an opposite of human consciousness, of being alive and having lived, that's the closest thing I can think of.

There's a reason why the Void is shown in stark black and white until we put color into it... and in his original logs, Albrecht speaks of "scintillating vapor pouring out of my very skull." Human consciousness, our "light," (and the meaning of Albrecht's name, and the significance of us accidentally offering to let Wally "take our light" in the New War, etc) interacting with and reacting with the raw potential of the Void. It makes sense with the Wall being a bleak brutalist expanse of unmoving bone and dust, too. That could Wally's original, natural state: a solid block of grey, meaningless everything. It would explain his jealousy of us, why he takes our appearance, echoes aspects of our personalities, uses our voices, picks at our memories and experiences. It's why he's fascinated with us. It is the one thing he isn't, the one thing he can not have. Or--at least, couldn't have, before Albrecht's intrusion. This is a side-note, but I find it very interesting that Wally's missing finger seems to have limited him in some way, that now he's constrained by the Chains of Khra, implying that before Albrecht, he was not. Now I'm going to rewind waaay back to the topic of Wally being Albrecht's fear made manifest, and us defeating Wally by showing him love, not violence. Because... I don't think our love is enough to fix things on its own. It isn't us who needs to show him love and understanding. I think it has to be Albrecht.

The syndicate's plotline exploring a group of animals who had consciousness forced upon them, suddenly and violently and without consent, the difficulties they face grappling with it--I think that might echo the origin of the Man in the Wall. Consciousness being forced on not an animal, but the Void. You know the quote, "We are the Universe learning about itself?" Maybe in this case, the universe had a very shitty teacher.

And imagine this consciousness being thrust into the Void, taking form within it as an out-of-control chemical reaction, how might it attempt to communicate with Albrecht, with the first 'other' it ever encountered? Perhaps mirroring his form, speaking in his voice, using an endearing and personal term from his childhood: "Little Bengel?" What if, for those brief seconds, The Man in the Wall was not actively malicious? What if he was reaching towards Albrecht not seeking to trap him in a predatory "deal," but out of a sincere desire for connection? How would if feel then, to have your outstretched hand met with fear, disgust--a rejection so violent that your very fingers are severed by him slamming shut the door, an injury that leaves you weakened. A missing part of yourself, and nothing on your side of the wall to fill that hole with. Well it would make you a little bit bitter, I assume. And if those fingers are then used to perform miracles of science, to serve as the foundation for the triumph of an entire empire... you might feel a bit like you're owed. That bitterness may be compounded by the hypocrisy of it all, because all that you showed Albrecht was his own reflection. You might start to fixate on that hypocrisy, on those human flaws, on the parts of him that he didn't want to see. The reflection that he ran from, but further warped to emphasize what he tries to ignore. His shadow self. And so you haunt him with his shadow, because you want him to be forced to see. To acknowledge those parts of him he wishes he wasn't, but you're everything: you know. You won't let him ignore you, to deny you. You are now a jealous, bitter thing. A hungry ghost. You shove these flaws and bits of self-hatred back in his face because you want to make him look at them. To look in the mirror. ....To look at you. To acknowledge you exist. To see you as a thinking, feeling being. And I do think our Tenno are capable of this. To see the Man in the Wall not as "The Other," but as Another. The opposite of Indifference. I think that will be an important part of our story. But our story is not all of the story. It was not just any memory of love that drove back the Indifference, it was Albrecht's love. Unfortunately, I don't think Albrecht as we know him is capable of this, at least not as he is. He speaks of Wally as a malicious force, a cosmic evil that must be fought and only he is brilliant enough to figure out how. Even now, he refers to his reflection only with terms of disgust and shame. For all his monologues about guilt and his grand designs of martyrdom... he still thinks only in terms of himself. He thinks he understands his own guilt, and Wally delights in demonstrating all the ways that he does not. "If I must be a demon, may I be an honest one." That statement is, itself, dishonest. Albrecht is not a demon. He is human.

And that's what he's so deeply, violently afraid of admitting, the fear the entire Orokin civilization built itself on top of as foundation. I believe that is the fear that manifested in The Man in the Wall. And THAT is the kind of cosmic horror I want to see, while also feeling very Warframe. Crossing my fingers we get something closer to this and not just Albrecht accidentally (or purposely?) becoming an evil quantum demon. There's actually like. A whole other section to this I was going to yammer on about but it's now 4:30 AM and whooopppsssssssss

[sweetmariihs2]

Today I found and bought two new Sofia The First magazines in a magazine stand, in a town next to mine. (That's what the post is about) 🪻✨️💗

I live in a small town, I came to the neighboring city (a slightly bigger one; where there is a cinema, adequate medical care and clinics, things that are scarce in my town and everyone comes here when they need one of these things) to do an eyesight exam, because recebtly I've been feeling my vision getting worse. Going to the clinic, I found a magazine stand on the other street, and I asked my family (who were with me) if they could accompany me there later. I did the exam, and I'm still under the influence of the eye drops, so it's been torture to write this text, but I need to tell you what I found. You won't believe it: TWO DIFFERENT EDITIONS OF SOFIA THE FIRST MAGAZINES! THOSE THAT ARE NO LONGER PRODUCED! IN FACT, SEVERAL COPIES OF THEM! There were like, 7 magazines from the same edition, perfectly new, never touched, ON THE FLOOR. (And no, I'm not from Rio De Janeiro, there are a lot of sidewalks with this pattern here in Brazil)

A while ago, I think it was in January, I was wondering if I should also go to this city and look for Sofia The First merch, because in my small town I've already looked at all the stores and there's nothing left to see here (how many, about 4 ? 5? Yes, it really is a small city, I know all these places and you can visit them all in 1 or 2 hours at most, walking down the street, without a car). I found some stickers and birthday invitations, I posted them a while ago, I used them for journaling in my sketchbook.

(@shychick-52 do you see the Donald Duck magazines there?? When I saw them I immediately thought about you, they're on the bottom left of the pic and there's more in the top right. Pato Donald is Donald Duck, Tio Patinhas is Scrooge McDuck's name in Brazil. I don't know a thing about Ducktales, I'm sorry!)

I literally gasped. I was just going there for fun, as I like books, magazines and vintage products like records and CDs, so I really like physical media. Those places full of trinkets are extremely fun for me, and whenever I have the opportunity I like to look at everything, down to the smallest details. I love music and vinyl stores, stationery stores, party stores, haberdashery, so a magazine stand sounds amazing to me too! I hadn't been to one in years! (I never went thrifting in my life. It would be an amazing day to spend an evening)

There weren't only Sofia The First ones, you see, these kinds of magazines aren't produced anymore since kids don't have any interest in them. So most of the children's magazines there were dated around 2012-2016! You don't even have to look for the dates to know that, the Strawberry Shortcake ones, Frozen (FROZEN, DUDE! FROZEN!!!) (In one of my STF magazines there's even an ad of these Frozen magazines, they were produced during the same time), there were Disney Junior ones (If you look closely you can see the Lion Guard cover on that pic where I show you the pile of STF magazines, it's on top of them), Disney Princess, EVEN MONSTER HIGH. I didn't took a pic of this one, but as far as I know, you don't find these anywhere anymore. I felt like going back to 2015, when I was a kid those activity magazines and visiting the magazine stands were extremely fun, the themes on the children's magazines were exactly these, I remember the sticker albums, so many good memories. It makes sense, since they're the same ones, but they were never sold.

Besides the children magazines, they sell mangas, magazines, books, word search and activity books, cooking books, comic books/magazines (superhero themed or not- DC comics, Marvel, but also Disney and national works, for example our beloved Turma Da Mônica), and even toys and stuff.

So I figured maybe I'd find silly things here too, it's a bigger town but after all it's still small, it's just 40 mins away from mine, maybe I could find little birthday hats that I can cut out? Gift bags? Maybe stickers and coloring kits, silly things. Of course, knowing about the magazine stands there, something that my hometown NO LONGER has, inside of me had a small amount of hope that I could find something, but not much, as I live in the rural/interior part of Brazil and many products are bootleg, you know those princess books with wonky faces written "princess coloring book"? Stuff like that. But there was still a shred of hope, despite knowing that there probably wouldn't be anything interesting. I just went there because I have fun searching for little things.

AND WHEN I GOT THERE.... THE MAGAZINES WERE JUST THERE. AT THE ENTRANCE. ON THE ?!?!?!?!? FLOOR?!??!??! (You can see the pic up there) ON THE DIRTY SIDEWALK FULL OF DIRT AND DUST AND ALL KINDS OF NASTY THINGS?!??! HELL NAH

It was like they were just waiting for me to get them, they were the first things that I saw. I KNEW THAT I WOULD FIND SOMETHING. In fact, as I always hope to find cool things in these stores I frequent, I always expect something. I'm usually disappointed, but I always try to find it. AND THIS TIME I FOUND IT. NOT ONE, NOT TWO, BUT LIKE A DOZEN of STF magazines from the same edition, still packaged AND WITH THE GIFT. ALL OF THEM.

As my parents had work to do in our town and needed to return, I had to look at everything quickly. Luckily the magazine stand was small, so I was able to look at a few things, and while the attendant (who seemed bored (thankfully, the fact that she was very slow gave me time to look a little more)) served other customers (she was slow with them too, which gave me more time thank god), I continued looking at all sides of the stand, observing every small detail to look for treasures. If there were several copies of an issue of Sofia The First magazine still packed there, then there must have been more, hidden behind that enormous amount of information. I didn't had enough time because my parents needed to go back home, but I wish I could have saw the content from the Disney Junior magazines. I opened it and looked through the pages, only the last two pages were about Sofia The First, but I still had a lot to look so I put it back and went to search for more.

That's the one I got, the edition I mentioned

12 brazillian reais are worth around 2,50 dollars. For us, in talks about value, it would be like- 5 dollars? Not too cheap like literal 2 dollars, it's like, a cheap price, but not that much. For us, I mean. I don't know if you get what I mean, my explanation was terrible

Before, as we were late for the exam and the whole family was going (we all went to take the exam) I only took with me my cellphone and headphones, I didn't bring my money or even a purse or a backpack. My father bought me the magazine, I got so happy. Actually, he just let me have it and gave me the money, so I went to the attendant. The magazines had an elastic band around to secure them, as you can see in the pic, and I took them to the girl and asked for her help to get one out. As I'm used to being very friendly, and I was very happy, I approached the girl, asked for her help, and as she got them out of the elastic band, I kept talking "I can't believe I found this!! They are no longer produced, they are rare items, and I'm collecting them! I didn't think I would find anything like this here, it definitely made my day." I noticed that the attendant wasn't very friendly back, in fact she was very quiet and seemed a little bored, but I didn't care, I was too happy to worry about judgement looks from people I don't know, at least I was friendly and I did my part. My young brother later told me that when I turned my back she looked confused and shrugged, perhaps thinking "to each their own, right?". She went to serve the other customers and in the meantime I continued to look through the magazines, hoping to find more.

Important detail: I still had eye drops, my pupils were extremely dilated and I could see nearby objects blurred, so searching thoroughly was very difficult. Imagine looking at all that information without being able to see things closer than 1m from you. I'm still convinced I didn't manage to look at everything. I found more Disney Princess magazines (dated in 2014? 2015? somewhere around that) and that's when I saw it. I literally had to crouch down to look at the magazines in the lower sections of the shelf, they were stacked and they covered each other, and when I saw the Sofia The First logo I quickly grabbed it. IT WAS ANOTHER EDITION - A FLOATING PALACE THEMED ONE. Unfortunately this time it was out of the packaging, and I have no idea if someday there was even a gift with it, but I don't care, it was amazing to find this.

That's the Disney Princess magazines I was talking about! In that first pic I took, at the start of the post, you can see a Belle themed one. The Ariel themed magazine looks so old that the paint is stained and started to fade (it was in the front showcase while the other ones were carefully placed inside the stand), thankfully the STF ones were brand new. Well, almost.

Now that I'm home and I'm already seeing a little better, I'm gonna show you the magazines. Not all of them unfortunately, because a post only supports 10 pics and each magazine has 15/20+ pages so like... yeah. I wanna scan them and put them in a Google drive folder, or at least post a video about them in my YouTube channel, but that's more unlikely. If I had all of them, definitely, but I don't think it's worth recording a video if it's not with all the issues, don't you think? Anyway.

What's written in the first one: The Queen's Birthday Party! (This one came with the necklace)

In the second one: Sofia's vacation!

Let's take a closer look at the necklace

I'm fighting the urge to use it. I really want to use that tag in my sketchbook and the charm of the necklace in something like a keychain, but I cann'ttt bring myself to destroy something that is not produced anymoreeee😭😭😭

In the Floating Palace magazine, there is not even a single page where the sea monster is in. Not even a single one.

But in the "Queen's Birthday Party" one, there are three pages where Cedric is in! Yayy!!! They did him justice!!!

If anyone's curious about Miranda's birthday party, it's a comic and someone already posted it on Tumblr. Here is the link.

You know, that "Queen's Birthday Party" it's very exclusive, I don't remember the show having any episode like this, and the next activities in the magazine talk about the vacation they did in the comic and also the birthday party. Besides that, we have a lot of activities related to Tilly and family, and the main arts and crafts activity from this magazine is making a family tree. I believe that this magazine's topic is family.

I can't show you all the pages, but at least I can publish the pages Cedric is in and add more stuff to my Cedric merch masterlist (and personal research)

Well at least he's there. I have seen this art around like 20 times but they remembered that Cedric is a Sofia The First character so that's good I guess

They did him dirty here

AND THIS!!!! THIS ABSOLUTELY THIS!!! MY FAVORITE ONE!!!1!1!!!1!1!!1

YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW HOW LOUD I GASPED, WHEN I TELL YOU THAT I ALMOST STARTED JUMPING AND SCREAMING "YIPEE YIPEEE"

I'll translate it to you this time, so you can understand how I'm feeling right now

✨️Translation:✨️

Enchancia Castle

Title: Fraternal Bonds

Before leaving, Aunt Tilly gives her brother a big hug. Which pairs of siblings do you know from Sofia's world? Mark the correct pairs below.

THAT IS SO AAARRRGGGAGGAGAVVSGGSBBAVSGJ💖💖😭💗💞💗💞😭💞😭💗😭💞😭💖💗💖

I KNOW THAT CEDRIC AND SOFIA ARE THE WRONG OPTION, BUT I CAN'T. THAT IS SO CUTE I MIGHT EXPLODE I DON'T KNOW

that's what we had for today, I reached the 10 image per blog limit as always, no one's surprised

[spikeface]

the terror you long to look at

Written for @teenwolf-meta’s Meta May Monday theme: Ties. 

Despite my frustration with the show’s handling of the anuk-ite’s mythology, I really liked the idea that, in the finale, it lures people into looking at it by becoming someone they long to see--but, at the same time, because the anuk-ite is a fear monster, someone they’re terrified of. I was frustrated, however, by the fact that the shape it took was either never explicit, or depended on who was doing a cameo for the finale. Here would be my picks for what the anuk-ite would look like, for the people who had to face it, if casting and time weren’t an issue:

Peter Hale would see Laura Hale. I didn’t dislike that the monster took the form of Malia, for Peter. She’s definitely someone he longs to see, and I’d interpret the fear aspect as either shame for when he’d hurt her or her loved ones, or simply fear of the fact that she sees through him. I think it would have meant a lot, however, if they’d shown explicitly that he misses Laura, and is afraid to face the fact that he murdered her even as he longs to see her. His murder of her starts the entire story, and it would have been an interesting way to incorporate it into the show’s finale.

Malia Tate would see Kylie Tate. We don’t actually know what form the anuk-ite took for her, which makes me mad, because it would have been such a good time to explore her grief for Kylie. One of the first things we learn about Malia is that she’s haunted by her sister’s death most of all, and is still, in some way, looking out for her. No matter how much time passes, she’s always going to.

Jackson Whittemore would see Matt Daehler. This one’s a little shaky because s2 ends with Jackson very clearly growing out of the headspace that made him a kanima, and literally growing away from it. But 1) they made him part-kanima again in the finale so I’ve decided that means he’s still got Baggage and 2) even if he moved on from being the kanima in general, Jackson never got to confront Matt specifically. Matt--this guy he had this intense and toxic relationship with, who represented everything the deepest part of him wanted--just disappeared from his life, only to be found dead in water Jackson could have saved him from. I think Jackson is terrified of somehow running into Matt again. I think he’s even more terrified of the idea that, on some level, he’d be happy to see him.

Ethan would see Aiden. How could he not? Of course he longs to see his brother, his literal other half and the one who felt what he felt all his life, whose life Ethan felt in turn. At the same time, we see in both 3a and 3b that Aiden’s passion for violence disquiets Ethan, even though he knows he’s protected by it, and in Motel California, Aiden also represents everything Ethan most fears, what he’d kill himself to escape. 

Derek Hale would see Paige Krasikeva. I loved that we got a cameo from Haley Webb, but I maintain that Jennifer was the weakest choice for Derek. It’s not that I don’t think memories of her haunt him, but Derek already confronted Jennifer—multiple times, and in ways that literally had to do with “seeing” her. I definitely don’t think he longs to see her the way he’d long to see Paige, the girl he was manipulated into forcing the bite on—a mistake we know still haunts him. He was rattled to lose even the blue eyes that represent his guilt about her death. I think that even now, his longing to see her would frighten him, since his desire for her once led to her death.

Scott McCall would see his own murdered body. Ok, stay with me on this one! I loved that they did a cameo with the nogitsune wearing Stiles’ body, and I think that ranks near the top of Scott’s fears, but I don’t think he’d be tempted to look at him. Conversely, I think he’d long to look at Allison, but I don’t think that desire would terrify him.

I think the desire that most terrifies Scott is the one for his own death. Scott has struggled with suicidal urges since at least 3a, and Tyler Posey has discussed how, by the time Scott’s murdered in s5, he was “ready to die.” Scott’s death is the end of the relentless struggle his life has been since he was bitten, freedom from all of his perceived failures that haunt him--like the nogitsune taking Stiles’ body, like Allison’s death. It would be so fitting for him to confront that in the library, where he was originally murdered--where his murdered body once lay on the ground, the one part of himself he’ll never be able to see. Unless he looks now. 

It would also fit really well with @daughterofluthien’s excellent meta about the meaning of Scott’s self-blinding in the finale. If the anuk-ite represents Scott’s desire to die, then the mutilation represents, ironically, his rejection of that desire, and would foreshadow his similar rejection of the lure of death in the movie, when he growls at the nogitsune: “I’m not ready to die.”

[deripmaver]

Casca Spits On Your Grave

I was gonna write up a whole long post about what I want Casca's ending to be, what I think is likely based on canon up to now and some of the themes Miura has developed, and look at some endings I've seen people discuss and give my thoughts on them - and then I got lazy LOL.

Plus I realized what I really wanted to discuss is just, as the title suggests, whether I want Casca to have her whole badass revenge arc where she takes out all of the demons and apostles who assaulted her and killed her friends one by one in a show of bloody vengeance, ending with her as Judith beheading Griffith's Holofernes, etc etc etc.

The short answer is yeah duh LOL. Casca goes from a brilliant and capable mercenary commander to a traumatized shell of a person who is terrified of all men, even the ones that she'd known and trusted prior to the Eclipse. In her dreamscape, the horror of what she faced is finally explicitly shown from her point of view - the penis monsters and the feelings of revulsion they produce in her little sprite indicating the terror of repeated assaults and attempted assaults. It's blunt to the point of being over the top but I mean... It gets the point across.

Then, of course, the climactic moment in the corridor of dreams where you see the eclipse rape literally through her eyes. It's incredibly rare to see rape scenes presented that way, in that first person POV, and going from that directly to the image of Casca shattering into pieces makes me tear up even to this day.

Side note lol I probably didn't need to describe the corridor of dreams chapters but I genuinely can't help myself, I love them so much.

In those chapters and the later ones where Casca has her PTSD flashbacks, she remembers all of the beloved memories of the people she loved and is made catatonic again when she remembers she lost them. The corridor of dreams makes it clear that it was Griffith's rape specifically that shattered her. Losing all of the Hawks, being betrayed by Griffith - of course she should get revenge on the monsters that did that to her. One by one she should destroy them, letting them taste just a fraction of what they put her through. Not to mention she was in her regressed state for so long I know I'm not the only one itching for her to fight again.

Here's the "but" though. Or maybe it's more of an "and" idk if any of y'all have done improv LMFAO. Yes and.

I think part of the appeal of rape revenge is that it gives the catharsis of seeing rapists punished violently in a world where they rarely face justice at all. However, what a lot of these movies miss, because this truth is far more uncomfortable and unpalatable, is that the scars of trauma remain even after vengeance is fulfilled. This is especially true if the perpetrator is someone the victim knew, as is the case for Casca. There's the focus on justice and catharsis and violent revenge because in a lot of ways it's easier to stomach that than it is to stomach the how utterly shattering it is to be betrayed so thoroughly.

It's uncomfortable to see Casca the commander reduced to Elaine. It's uncomfortable to see her helpless and terrified and reduced to trembling and sobbing in front of a reborn Griffith as the reader is reminded, just for a moment, of who did this to her. It's uncomfortable that even after her mind is restored that she can't even think of Griffith without going completely catatonic, that she grips Farnese's hand in terror as she sleeps because the trauma is still literal thorns around her heart, continuing to hurt her.

You know what? I think this is objectively good writing. There's no revenge. There's no becoming stronger. There's just grief and betrayal and Casca's broken heart. .........the fact that it took literally 20 years to restore her mind and that Miura included like half a dozen attempted rape scenes of her in her infantilized state is uh, not objectively good writing.

There's a fine line when it comes to writing rape trauma, though, and if Casca stays completely broken and unable to heal that starts leaning into the opposite end of harmful tropes. That's why I do think she should find the strength to fight back and get revenge for herself and her fallen comrades and kill Griffith. However, I can't help but think there's a desire for her to stop appearing so outwardly traumatized and start taking revenge because trauma is uncomfortable to read. Every moment she's on page she reminds you of how deeply Griffith betrayed her. At some point it becomes nearly unbearable.

Miura's grasp of writing trauma is kind of a mixed bag, but one thing he is clearly aware of is how its effects are lingering, and how it informs how someone interacts with the world. This is true in how he writes Guts in the Wounds chapter, and also how he writes Guts after the Eclipse regressing into violence and vengeance because of his trauma. Guts only begins his journey to process the trauma of the Eclipse when he reconnects with Rickert, and then later Casca, and then later accepts companions again. This leads me to believe that this lingering trauma response from Casca isn't an example of him not knowing how to write trauma, or women, but is a deliberate choice and not one I feel the need to critique.

Casca should become a fighter again, and she should start to genuinely heal and, as Miura said, face up to what Griffith and the demons did - but at the end of the day what happened to her is soul-crushing. She should also continue to show the lingering effects of it, and she should get to lean on the communities of women she's cultivated, and she should get to have moments where she's terrified and overwhelmed with trauma - no matter how uncomfortable it is to read. When it comes to depictions of rape and rape trauma, I genuinely think that will be on the whole more holistic than having her just getting revenge.

It'll be really satisfying seeing her kill some apostles though I'm ngl. Hopefully we'll get there eventually LOL

[theultimatenonbinarynerd]

Doctor Who: Phobos Review

Introduction

"You're scarier than the monsters."

Phobos a Big Finish story that walked so that The Rings Of Akhaten could run. I've mentioned in other reviews that the stories show the darkside of Paul MacGanns Doctor but this story aces as it. Listening to this story without any spoilers, gave me full goosebumps as once everything comes together your left in disbelief.

This story explores fear in a really creative and complex way. Again we get a unique "monster" compared to the usual things The Doctor has to face and deal with it. Its very mythical and creepy throughout. "Phobos" is Greek for fear and we truly get to experience fear throughout the story even if it it isn't a listen. Phobos absolutely blew my mind it took so many twists and turns I didn't expect.

This is another story I definitely recommend listening to individually if your not sold on The Eighth Doctor Adventures.

What I Liked

Again there's so many things that I could praise about this story as listening to Big Finish I've been shocked at the 100% good quality every time. The cast was once again stacked and they all played their roles too absolute perfection. To cut it down though I'll only talk about a few of the things that stood out to me.

As a musician the music in this story was like that feeling when you first go to an orchestral live concert. I had literal goosebumps. Out of all of the stories I've listened to Phobos definitely had the best music. Andy Hardwick is an absolute genius, he did a great job making the music so atmospheric and mystical. The composition was awesome. Every piece of music composed perfectly matched the aesthetic of each scene. The best theme had to be the chilling motif that played anytime the mysterious Phobians were mentioned. Doctor Who is a difficult piece of work to compose due to how diverse and unique each episode is but Big Finish have handled this challenge really well and delivered. The best part of sci-fi music is when it matches the atmsophere and tensity of the scene and Phobos does that perfectly. From its chilling and thrilling moments to its lighthearted fun moments, it's all composed perfectly in the right way that brings out the right emotions. If there's anything you want to get out of the story, listen deeply and closer to the music. I really hope that once I start by big finish releases they also come with the music because the scores really do slap.

Secondly I just have to talk about the incredible twists and turns throughout. I really wish I could film me listening to Big Finish in real time as trust me when I say that my mouth was a gape when the twists came, my mouth was a gape. My mind was well and truly blown. Again it's another one of those stories where you think it's going one way but then it goes in a completely different direction. Similar to Blood Of The Daleks your stuck guessing what's truly going on. It dives into some really heavy and dark themes and becomes unpredictable every minute that passes. To me, a good story steers away from what's expected of it and builds a twisted narrative that leaves you mind blown, Phobos does just that. The twists in this really allowed for Paul MacGann to shine and show off his Doctors darker side eloquently. All of the resolution is teased throughout the story but it comes as a massive shock to the point even Lucie is now doubtful about The Doctor and his character. It creates an interesting Doctor, Companion dynamic for the rest of this series of adventures.

Finally the incredible creativity and inventiveness of the story. I hate to admit it but Phobos walked so The Rings Of Akhaten could run. A lot of people not agree with me but with the way the stories include the Doctor feeding a creature with his memories it gives me a lot of déjà vu. Phobos feels so fresh from your typical Doctor Who story you'd get and I absolutely love it for that. This story really shows how experimental Big Finish are and how willing they are to explore entirely new concepts which I think is brilliant. Immortal Beloved perfectly showed the darkside of cloning whilst Phobos shows how powerful Fear is and how it has shaped The Doctor in his long life. As a result of the monster soley being on audio we get to be disturbed by on it a more physiological level, which is definitely effect in this series. The cries of people being chased by the creature was enough alone to bring me chills. I also adore the whole concept of the setting. On the surface it seems unoriginal for Phobos to be a chilled holiday destination until you peel back the layers and discover the conflict our side characters are facing. This story really embraced the fact its an exclusively audio story and I hope other Big Finish Stories are like that too.

What I Disliked

I loved this story but I have to be honest when I say that my enjoyment was spoiled due to its pacing. I've loved listening to the 8th Doctor Adventures but I have to be honest when I say that I have struggled with the pacing of these stories and Phobos was no acception to this. Some of these stories benefit from New Who style pacing whilst others don't.

Whilst the build up had so much pay off it did drag alot. All the build up took long and it felt way too slow paced given the context and threat in the story. I was just waiting for the huge action to happen every time somebody was attacked. Apart from that though I really did enjoy this story. Love your typical Doctor Who Monsters but it's more interesting when it's something entirely new.

Conclusion

Overall another fun and interesting Big Finish story. It deviated from what would normally be expected and was really inventive. It really flipped the whole monster on the lose killing tourists story and made it crumble beneath your feet. The side characters were an absolute delight and Lucie and The Doctor both got a lot to do here too and they both shone in their own ways. Again I'd heavily recommend giving this one a listen as it's a very interesting story.

My overall rating would be:

It's a story with a lot of meat that surprisingly works well on audio considering it's action packed and twisted nature. I also really liked that so many tropes were flipped on its head. This is one of the stories that have certain that im doing right by sticking with Big Finish and delving further into their catalogue. Paul MacGann is bumping up my favourite Doctor's list because he's just so endearing and charming in the role.

I definitely plan to in the far future save up to afford some of the season 2 stories and explore more of Lucie Miller. I'm sad that they don't have the rights to Grace and Chang Lee but 8s audio companions sound awesome. I'll give my thoughts on Charlie once I've actually explored that full arc. But as a first time listener I'm really appreciating the diverse stories Big Finish are able to tell.

I'm very excited for the future.

Bonus:

Since this is my first year getting into Big Finish I decided to publish a listening challenge on The Storygraph with certain prompts to follow that I will eventually fill as the year goes on.

I'm really impressed by all of the stories and am excited to dive into the main range, a few Destiny Of The Doctor audios and some short trips. I've really excited to delve into more Doctor Who adventures beyond the TV series. The Eighth Doctor Adventures have matched and even gone beyond the quality of the show.

The Challenge Is Public And Anyone Can Join:

-Melody-

They/Them

[cityandking]

10, 27, 35, 49, and 53 for narayani, minah, and branwen

thanks!! // detailed oc ask meme

10. Do they have any markings, piercings or scars?

NARAYANI — has her vallaslin (dirthamen), which she's very proud of. she also has a couple of noticeable scars, including one through her right eyebrow and one along her left jawline. she probably has a few other scars, but none on her face. her ears and nose are pierced. MINAH — has a scar above one eye that she keeps covered with her bangs, plus a few other smaller ones. she has multiple ear piercings and a septum piercing. I still haven't decided if she has tattoos or not; I go back and forth ever time I think about it. BRANWEN — multiple ear piercings, maybe a nose piercing? a handful of scars (mostly small) and numerous tattoos—a compass, birds in flight, her colors on her inner wrist, constellations, and one over her sternum that's just barely visible when she leaves her shirt unbuttoned, which moves (it's a stoppered diamond flask with the ocean inside and the waves reflect her heartbeat/emotional state)

27. What’s their family like? Who’s in it? What’s their relationship with them?

NARAYANI — her birth parents died when she was young and she only has hazy memories of them; she was found alone and abandoned and raised mostly by the clan lavellan elders and so considers the clan her family. she had a sort of grandmotherly figure she was particularly close to, but they had a falling out over rani's desire to spend more time in the human world/revenge her parents' death/become a clan spy/assassin, and the elder died before they reconciled. rani regrets that. MINAH — her parents are dead and she's estranged from everyone she left behind, but she considers the troupe something of a family—a very hodgepodge, slightly annoying, much-beloved family. BRANWEN — her mother died when she was 15 and her father retreated into himself when he couldn't cope with the grief, so for a few years it was just bran and her baby brother (he's 12 years younger than her). when she ran away from home she met the owners of the rundstream tavern, who took her in, and then later she had the luckrunner and her crew, which are sort of her family too, especially her first mate haskon. (and eniko, and sabine. more than anything, maybe, eniko and sabine.)

35. What are they like as a friend?

NARAYANI — somewhat abrasive but extraordinarily steadfast and loyal. she'll call it like she sees it and won't take any shit, and it takes ages to get through her walls, but once you do she'll stick through thick and thin MINAH — a little distant and superficial, but she tends to show up when it counts. she's the sort of person who can keep a conversation rotating around the other person for so long that you could almost miss that she never says anything of substance about herself, but the way she plays it off never seems as strange or defensive as it really is. that said, if you're looking for a fun time or a bit of entertainment, minah's 100% the person who can hook you up BRANWEN — delightful. super present, cares a lot, genuinely outgoing and fun and supportive. the kind of friend who always engineers a good time but will also be up with you at 3am dealing with The Shit. we all deserve a friend like bran.

49. What are some themes tied to your character’s story?

NARAYANI — death/loss is a big one. becoming the monster/loving the monster, and also becoming the mask. there's a bit of flirting with becoming the villain, but in the end she disappears back into the shadows—though who knows, maybe that's still becoming the villain MINAH — masks and truth, performance versus the self (and performance of the self), past mistakes and redemption BRANWEN — freedom, the conflict between duty and participating in a corrupt system, masks and the self (are you seeing a theme here)

53. Expectations vs Reality: what did you expect and what did you get with this character?

NARAYANI — I expected her to push through and become the mask and be the (in the open) counterpoint to solas' figure in the shadows (villain4villain romance!!), but when the final choice arrived I just couldn't see her sticking to the inquisition—at her core, she's a creature of loss, and even the bloated horrible burden of the inquisition was just one more thing for her to lose. MINAH — well first of all I expected her to be more talkative, but turns out that's really hard to RP all the time! she's also a little blunter than I'd like her to be (her high CHA vs my low CHA) and maybe a little less suave. such is the nature of RP; I make my peace with it BRANWEN — I thought she'd be a little more freewheeling but also a little less wary; she turned out to be kind of disinterested in getting too involved in the party's issues, and it took some time/effort for her to fully engage. then she did and shit kinda hit the fan. classic D&D.

[moonbiscuitsims]

Nervous Subject escapes to Night City

Sims 2 premades in Cyberpunk 2077 series:

This is an ongoing fanart xover personal project where I recreate Sims 2 premade characters in the Cyberpunk 2077 character creator. I just do this for fun.

CP mods: ⚡Equiment Ex (to layer the outfits in more ways),⚡ EE Unlock all outfits , ⚡Photomode Unlocked (as well as tons of custom poses, some are listed there in that mod) I used vanilla clothing for Nervous. Other premades from the series: 👾Lazlo Curious🛸 Vidcund Curious🖤Lilith Pleasant 🌸Angela Pleasant 💀Olive Specter (TW olive pics are bit more violence) 😍Ophelia 💋Chloe Curious 👽Bella Goth and More Bella Goth 💔Cassandra Goth (with mods) 🤑Dina Caliente 💜Nina Caliente 💅🏻Brandi Broke/Newbie (TW ptsd, self-harm, sad and dark themes)

Nervous doesn't remember much about his childhood other than traumatic memories. Hell he doesn't even remember his real name anymore... it's all blurred with nothing but physical pain, electrocution, strange drugs with bad side effects, torture, isolation... He vaguely recalls when they came to take him away from Olive... then he found them. As if the Strangetown Orphanage he'd escaped from wasn't enough, those two ....monsters took him in. He was alone one night in the park, starving hungry, the locals wouldn't give him any food, he heard the whispers, dark whispers about his mother. He had even tried to go back to her but a young girl named Ophelia opened the door and warned him to stay away, stating the rumours were true and to get out while he still could. He didn't believe the girl, who was apparently his cousin until she showed him proof, aside from the gravestones: Olive's diary, where she confessed that Nervous's father was in fact the Grim Reaper himself. Ophelia quickly hid her journal back in its spot and he agreed to find help elsewhere. He felt like a freak. He was ostracised and ignored and slept on the park benches until two strangers approached him, offering him not only a place to stay but a job. Nervous remembers feeling hopeful, happy even, as the couple who "adopted" him brought him to what seemed like a Castle. He was so excited, then they told him he'd be helping them do important research. They told him he'd be a scientist with them, and he believed that. He thought someone finally wanted him, Olive certainly hadn't fought for him and as the rumours stated his mother was really a killer. All those new graves in their "garden" that Ophelia had shown him had proven that. The first night in the castle was ok, though Nervous hated his room. It was a hole in the ground of a lab. After that he was subjected to certain tests. It was like the monsters knew something he didn't, like they were looking for something in him, waiting for him to do something but he didn't know what. Maybe they knew he was the spawn of the Reaper or that something was wrong with him...Over the years the experiments got more painful but Circe and Loki, those were the monsters names, kept telling him it was necessary for science, for knowledge and discovery, for the greater good. But it hurt, more and more, they had him brainwashed, had him believing he had nowhere else to go, no one to turn to, he needed their "care" and "protection" and they stopped paying him long ago. They were a lot nicer (as much as they could be) when he complied as opposed to when he didn't. Loki was a scientist and inventor at Arasaka and Circe was a medic and biologist for Biotecnica. They constantly used him for their experiments that they didn't have company approval for or wanted to keep on the down low, but sometimes it was for their own sick entertainment. He'd sometimes sneak out to the Curious household when they had to go to their HQ's in the city. Honestly they didn't even think to lock him up, they genuinely had him so brainwashed they thought he wouldn't try to leave. He ended up making friends with Pascal, who repeatedly told him to get out when he learned he wasn't happy, saw the bruises and scars; but he felt trapped and couldn't bring himself to admit to Pascal just what they were actually doing to him. Until one day he told him. He had to, he was in such bad shape, all bandaged up and bloody, Pascal forced him to sit down and confess. Pascal was horrified and offered for him to move in, but Nervous couldn't stand the thought of them finding him again. Nervous also knew he struggled controlling his outbursts, he often lashed out and panicked and couldn't behave like a normal person, he wasn't stable and Pascal had a kid to take care of. Pascal thought of the next best thing, helping him get out of town, start a new life in the City. He gave him simoleons and a vehicle and wished him luck, hoping he'd finally be able to start a life he could at least tolerate.

 Nervous arrived in Night City, rented an apartment with Pascals simoleons now changed up into eddies and suffered the effects of PTSD for a long time, he heard voices as usual but it got worse over time. He'd hear the voices at night and pound his head into the window to stop them, shatter his mirror to shut it up or stop looking at that god awful barcode they put on him. At first he thought his bruises weren't healing but then he realised he was inflicting them on himself at this point. He spent a good chunk of his time in Night City just trying to get by, he didn't find any work other than small merc jobs, and seeing as he was desperate he got into it. In fact it was perfect, somehow it seemed Nervous had a lot of pent up energy, he never got tired no matter how little he slept, took gig after gig and they progressively got more challenging. He sucked at stealth, always charging in like an angry violent animal, but he always got it done. After what the Beakers put him through he was done with the bullshit, nothing would faze him. But the more time went by the more his fear and anxiety festered, he started to process, he held a grudge, he started to feel the anger, the years worth of anger he'd stuffed down and not been allowed to feel so he wouldn't be "ungrateful" or threatened by the beakers into even worse experiments, or made to shove his feelings aside at the promise of a reward like a shitty stereo instead of more electric shock therapy. No he was mad now... he didn't want to run away anymore, he didn't want to walk another day knowing those two were still out there, living their lives after what they did to him. Nervous started to get stronger out of sheer will, he didn't have much else to fight for in a place like Night City. He got new cyberware, tons of experience under his belt and it was easy enough. The violence was easy once he lost his fear, once he realised he was all he could count on right now. He never had time for friends, not like he was very likeable anyway with how broken he was. Part of him had wished to take Pascal up on his offer but he needed to heal. And to heal he needed to slay his demons, real and metaphorical. He didn't have time to play games. He was going back to Strangetown to settle his score.

[perryvonvicious]

2022 End-Of-Year Survey

I used to fill one of these out every year, and with my re-adoption of tumblr, why not bring it back?

1. How did you ring in the new year for 2022? I was probably asleep. Otherwise, I likely wished my wife a Happy New Year, as we would have been just sitting in the living room, doing nothing.

2. Who did you kiss at midnight/your first kiss in 2022? My wife.

3. What did you do in 2022 that you'd never done before?: Lots of stuff... I took a picture with Grave Digger for the first time. I also wrestled in Tennessee.

4. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't make new year's resolutions.

5. Did anyone close to you give birth?: None that I can think of, but I'm only really close with my wife, my wrestling friends, and my parents, so there's not a lot of options there.

6. Did anyone close to you die?: Gallagher

7. What places did you visit?: Tennessee, Cleveland, Disney World, Indianapolis, Erie Pennsylvania

8. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?: Big muscles and a sick tan. (Maybe a power wheels monster truck.)

9. What dates from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?: I don't remember dates very well.

10. What was your biggest achievement of the year?: I was invited by John Hodgman to be a part of his holiday stage show with Jonathan Coulton and many other notable celebs. I also removed a room from our house. I also did a very bad moonsault.

11. What was your biggest failure?: Probably the aforementioned moonsault

12. Did you suffer illness or injury?: I had a few bad colds. Also probably some mental illness.

13. What was the best thing you bought?: My 3D resin printer, or our 1981 Volkswagen Rabbit Pickup.

14. Whose events required celebration?: My wife did a crazy good job with our garden.

15. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?: A few of my former coworkers.

16. Where did most of your money go?: Either house projects or buying our truck.

17. What did you get really, really, really excited about?: I learned to love wrestling again. We also went to Disney World, and that always gets me excited.

18. What song will always remind you of 2022?: Tiny Tim's "Livin' In The Sunlight"

Compared to this time last year, are you: a) Happier or sadder?: Happier.

b) Thinner or fatter?: Fatter.

c) Richer or poorer?: Richer

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?: Working out, eating right.

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?: Stressing out about my jobs.

21. Did you fall in love in 2022?: I fell in love in 2007.

22. How many one-night stands?: My wife and I have two night stands... one on each side of our bed. Mine has a lamp on it.

23. How many people did you kiss? My wife.

24. What was your favorite TV program?: YouTube.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?: I don't think so.

26. What was the best book you read?: The Residents: A Sight for Sore Eyes: Vol. 1

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?: Math The Band

28. What did you want and get?: 3D resin printer, table saw, impact driver, Grave Digger-themed wrestling gear, 1981 Volkswagen Rabbit pickup, trip to Disney World.

29. What did you want and not get?: Mental stability.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?: Weird: The Al Yankovic Story.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?: I turned 38. I started a new job that day... so, I worked.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?: Better-managing my stress levels... and working out WAY more.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020?: Pajama pants and novelty tank tops.

34. What kept you sane?: Nothing.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?: I enjoyed learning more about Tiny Tim.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?: Probably a few, but I'm not interested in discussing that.

37. Who do you miss?: I don't know. Probably lots of people.

38. Who was the best new person you met?: O'Shay Edwards. He's a fantastic wrestler, and a delightful person to spend time around.

39. Who were your closest friends in 2022? In no particular order: Torres, Rip, Delmi, ZPB, Levi, Anton.

40. What are you doing to ring in 2023? Typing these answers.

41. Who do you plan on kissing to ring in 2023? My wife.

42. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022: Don't hesitate to just quit a job, when it becomes a burden on your mental health. There's always other jobs.

[uraveragelonelysapphic]

Another Love

Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Fem!reader

Summary: You meet Wanda at a grief group, as she’s struggling to heal after Vision’s death. Will you help her heal? Will your friendship grow into something more?

Word count: 2.8k

Warnings: grief

Theme: Angst, Fluff

A/N: I have been working on this one all day, and I think it’s alright! It’s my first oneshot on this account, so please go easy on me! I hope you enjoy!

(Shoutout to @theloveclub-18 for the idea! I super appreciate it!)

“Thank you all for being so open this evening. I hope to see you all next week. Let the healing continue.”

As various people mumbled back “let the healing continue,” Wanda fought the urge to roll her eyes.

It had been six months since Vision’s death, and four months since she had started attending a grief group recommended by Bucky. She had tried to insist to him that it was useless but he begged her to try it out. Now, here she was, four months later, still feeling as broken as she had the day she watched the love of her life be killed. Twice. One might ask why she continued to attend the sessions weekly when she felt she hadn’t made any progress. Why had she spent 16 of her Wednesday nights at a grief group when she felt it was pointless? The answer is simple: the food.

The session always had a table full of freshly baked goods from Sugar, Butter, Flour, a bakery just down the road from the community center holding the sessions. Every week, Wanda would sit through listening to people talk about their heartbreak, and, when pushed to confront her own trauma, reluctantly share just enough to satisfy the facilitator. And she did it all just to have a few moments of sheer joy, letting whatever delicious creation the bakery had provided that week wash over her taste buds and temporarily take her away from this cruel world that had ripped her love from her.

Wanda grabbed her purse and made a beeline for the table full of goodies. She had been running late today, so she didn’t get a chance to grab anything before the session, leaving her options limited. There was only one cookie left, but as she reached for it, her hand brushed against someone else’s, causing her to pull her hand back quickly.

“I’m sorry-”

“No it’s fine, I shouldn’t have-”

“Please it’s all yours-”

You cleared your throat and shot her a sheepish smile before extending your hand to her.

“I’m Y/N. It’s nice to meet you.”

Wanda looks at your hand skeptically and you awkwardly retract it when you realize she won’t be shaking it.

“I’m Wanda,” she says hesitantly, her eyes flashing to the cookie, and then the exit.

You tried again. “So you like the cookies here too?”

She meets your Y/E/C eyes impatiently before sighing.

“Yeah, I’ll just grab one next week, though, I really gotta go,” she says, starting towards the exit.

You watch her leave, intrigued by the girl, before you snap back to reality.

*****************************************************************************************************

Wanda is almost to her car when she hears footsteps behind her and quickly turns around, her eyes glowing red.

You stare at her, wide-eyed, the remaining cookie in your hand.

“Shit, Wanda, I’m sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, I just wanted to give you this.”

Wanda sighs, her eyes returning to their normal color. She pinches the bridge of her nose. Remorse fills her face. Her grief had caused her to be angrier than usual, leading to her powers flaring up accidentally. And now she had frightened this woman who was just trying to give her a damn cookie.

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted like that. Thank you for the cookie. I promise I’m not always scary I just, I-”

You stopped her. “Hey, it’s fine. If I heard someone running at me in a parking lot in the middle of the night, I would be on edge too. I shouldn’t have snuck up on you like that. Plus, you’re...well...here,” you paused, gesturing to the community center the two of you had just come from, before continuing, “so I think it’s safe to assume you aren’t having the best time. I get it. If there’s any way I can help, please let me know.”

Wanda was at a loss for words. She had nearly struck you with her powers and here you were, looking at her with a gentle smile and no fear on your face whatsoever.

After a few minutes of silence, you awkwardly placed the napkin-wrapped cookie on the hood of her car, before stepping back and smiling at her yet again.

“I’ll see you next week, Wanda. Have a good night,” you say, waving at her before you walk out of the parking lot and down the block.

*****************************************************************************************************

Only, you didn’t see her in Group the following week.

After leaving the community center, you were about to head down the block when you noticed her car in the parking lot, with her in it. You gently approached her car, tapping on the window quietly in an attempt to not startle her.

She looked up at you with puffy, red-rimmed eyes, before rolling down her window.

“May I help you?”

Her tone was much harsher than she intended, and she winced at it, but you merely smiled at her, unaffected, before digging through your bag and pulling out a tupperware container of chocolate chip cookies.

“They had leftovers tonight, you want some?”

And you had shocked Wanda yet again.

“Sure.”

You reached forward to hand the cookies to her through the window when Wanda decided to take a leap of faith.

“You can come sit in here and share them with me, I wouldn’t mind some company,” She says quietly before adding, “I’ll warn you, though, I’m a bit of a trainwreck right now.”

You laughed softly before opening the door to the passenger side of her car and sliding in. You looked at her with soft eyes.

“Trainwrecks unite.”

*****************************************************************************************************

Wanda told you everything that night. She told you about Vision, about her love for him, and his for her. About how he was the first since her brother died to look at her like a person, and not a monster. She told you all about the sleepless nights, the nightmares, the desperate need for it to end.

And you listened. You watched her intently the whole time. You held her hand comfortingly as her body wracked with sobs. You were there. And that night, you didn’t know why, but you made a promise to always be there for the beautiful redhead with the lost hope.

That night was the first time since Vision’s death that Wanda slept soundly through the night. No nightmares. No suffering.

It had been three months since that night. Since then, it became a habit for the two of you to spend Wednesday nights following group sessions in her car, chatting about anything and everything. And Wanda had to admit, she was okay. For the first time since Vision’s death, she didn’t wish she could join him. She didn’t want to stay isolated in her room. She wanted to live. She wanted to show people the kindness you’d shown her. She woke every Wednesday with a smile, and you on her mind.

*****************************************************************************************************

This Wednesday, you appeared nervous as you got into the passenger side of Wanda’s car.

Wanda noticed this right off the bat.

“Y/N, are you okay?”

You start fidgeting with your fingers and look down at your lap as you respond. 

“Yeah, I just...I have to tell you something. Promise you won’t get mad.”

Wanda looks at you with a gentle smile.

“Y/N, you’re my best friend, I could never get mad at you. What is it?”

You took a deep breath and looked up at Wanda, before asking the question.

“I think I’m in love with you.”

Wanda’s eyes widened and she froze.

You tried to dig yourself out of the hole.

“Nevermind, forget I said anything, I never should’ve-”

“No.” Wanda said quietly.

“What?”

“No. I can’t. God, I could never love you.”

You felt your heart shatter in your chest.

Wanda quickly realized the weight of her words, and tried to fix them, “Y/N, no, sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I-”

“It’s fine, Wanda. I have to go.”

With that, you scrambled out of the car and walked out of the parking lot and down the block, with tears streaming down your face, and your heart broken.

*****************************************************************************************************

Wanda couldn’t believe she had said that. The truth is, she didn’t know if she had room in her heart for more than one love. She had loved Vision. He was everything to her. Could she also love you?

For the rest of the week, Wanda was beyond conflicted. She knew she had to apologize to you, but she didn’t want to do so until she had sorted out her own feelings. You deserved a solid answer.

It was Tuesday night. She would see you again tomorrow. And she still didn’t know. She tossed and turned that night for hours before she finally fell asleep, you and Vision occupying her mind, per usual.

She was in a field of flowers. It was beautiful. She thought about how she might like to show it to you. And then she heard someone. Someone she thought she would never hear from or see again.

“Wanda, darling.”

“Vision?” She spun around, and there he was, smiling at her.

“It’s okay, you know,” He said. Wanda was confused. He continued, “The feelings that you’re feeling. For her. It’s okay.”

She laughed, “You always did know me better than I knew myself.”

Vision smiled softly at her.

“Vision, I love you. I love you so much. I can’t let you go.”

“Wanda, no one is asking you to. You can move on without letting my memory slip away from you.”

Wanda nods softly, thinking intently about what he said.

“Tell me about her,” he encourages.

Wanda smiles.

“She’s so gentle. And so stubborn. I almost hurt her when we first met but she didn’t cower. She wasn’t afraid. She didn’t look at me like a monster. She made me laugh for the first time since you...you know. She fidgets with her fingers when she’s nervous. She does this adorable head tilt when she’s listening intently. She’s patient. She’s kind. She’s...she’s everything,” Wanda realizes, awestruck.

Vision approaches her.

“You love her.”

She looks at him, concerned. “Is that okay?”

He merely smiles. “Darling, of course it’s okay. She sounds wonderful. You deserve her. You deserve love, even if it isn’t with me. You deserve happiness.”

Wanda grabs his hands. “Thank you, Vision. For your love. I think it will always be a part of me. But I’m ready to move on. I love her. I’m ready.”

Vision squeezes her hands gently. “That you are, Wanda. I’ll always love you. Now go. Go to her.”

*****************************************************************************************************

Wanda shot up, breathing deeply. This time, she only had one person on her mind: you. “I love her,” she whispers softly to herself. She smiles, but it quickly fades when she remembers the words she said to you last week. She had to make this right.

*****************************************************************************************************

She arrived at Group early, noticing with a frown that the snack table was empty. She knew she would need some baked goods to give her the courage to approach you, so she approached the facilitator, Mindy, and cleared her throat to get Mindy’s attention.

“Um, hello, ma’am, I was just wondering where the goodies are? They’re usually here by now,” she said.

Mindy smiled at the girl. “I’m sorry, dear, but there won’t be any baked goods today. Y/N called me earlier, and told me she wouldn’t be able to make it.”

“Y/N? What does she have to do with-” Wanda pauses. Holy shit. You were the owner of Sugar, Butter, Flour. You had been the one making the goodies that fueled her to keep attending the group. You had been the provider of her temporary escape from the world. You did that. It truly was always you. She had to find you.

“Are you alright, dear?” Mindy asked.

Wanda shook her head. “No, there’s something I need to do. Thank you for your help, ma’am.” And with that, she sprinted out the door, got into her car, and pulled out of the parking lot.

*****************************************************************************************************

Wanda didn’t know where she was going. She just knew she had to find you. And then it started raining. No, not just raining. Pouring. This made it incredibly hard for Wanda to see where she was going, but she was determined.

As she drove, she realized something. She had told you everything about herself. You had listened, asked questions. But she never once asked about you. Hell, she didn’t even know you baked for a living until 15 minutes ago. She didn’t even know why you attended the grief group.

She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn’t realize she had driven all the way to the park at the edge of town, until she saw you. You were sitting on a bench, in the pouring rain, sobbing and shaking. Her heart broke at the sight. She quietly got out of her car.

“Y/N?” She called your name softly, approaching you with caution.

Your head snapped up.

“Wanda?”

She smiled weakly at you, and suddenly your eyes filled with more tears as you began to shake again.

“I tried to go to Group and act like everything was normal, I really tried, Wanda, but I just couldn’t, I’m sorry, I’m so-”

Wanda rushed over to you, engulfing you in a hug, holding you tightly as you sobbed.

“It’s okay, malyshka, it’s alright. You didn’t do anything wrong. Breathe, sweet girl. I’m here. I’m right here, I promise.”

She continued to hold you and speak comforting words to you for what felt like hours, until your sobs eventually died down, and you pulled away, sniffling. You looked up at the sky as if just remembering it was pouring, before standing up from the bench.

“Sorry about that. We should probably go inside, it’s pouring, and I don’t want you to-”

“I love you,” Wanda blurted out, leaving you speechless. She stood up and took your hands, mentally breathing a sigh of relief when you don't pull away. “I’m in love with you. I’m so sorry for not admitting it to myself, or you, sooner. Me saying that I could never love you? That was the grief speaking. I shouldn’t have let it control me like that. And I’m done. I’m done letting it control me. The truth is, anyone would be lucky to love you. And I do. I love you. I love your smile, I love your kind heart. I love your baked treats, which, by the way, I just learned were yours about an hour ago,” She says, and you let out a wet laugh. “I shouldn’t have said those things,” She continued, “It was wrong. I’m in love with you. And I understand if you don’t want to give me a second chance, because-”

You cut her off by smashing your lips against hers, and without hesitation, she kissed back, her arms wrapping around your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. The two of you only pulled away when you let out a violent shiver because of the rain. She looked at you concerned, but you merely laughed, pulling her in for another kiss.

*****************************************************************************************************

“Detka, I’m home!” Wanda called out, wondering where you were. Her questions were answered when a delicious smell hit her. She walked into the kitchen and smiled adoringly at you. You were moving around the kitchen, flour in your hair, and batter all over your clothes, completely in your own little world.

“Detka,” Wanda tries again, and you spin around, holding a spatula out in front of you as a form of defense.

“Shit, Wanda, sorry, you scared me!” You said, breathing a sigh of relief.

“My how the tables have turned,” she says teasingly, before removing the spatula from your hand and licking it.

“Wanda,” you pouted, “I was using that! Now I have to wash it!”

Wanda kissed the pout off of your face, before smiling at you triumphantly at doing so.

“Or, you could stop baking for the night and come cuddle with me and watch Bewitched,” she suggested, giving you those adorable puppy dog eyes.

You rolled your eyes playfully. “You know I can’t resist that face. Okay. Give me 10 minutes to get showered and then I’ll join you on the couch.”

“I’ll be counting!” She called as you made your way to the bathroom.

It had been 5 years since that night in the rain, and as she sat down on the couch, gazing down at the wedding band that adorned her left hand, she still couldn’t believe how she had gotten so lucky to find another love. You were beautiful, kind, and patient, and she loved you with every ounce of her heart.

“What are you thinking about, pretty girl?” You asked with a smile, before settling down next to her on the couch and curling into her side.

“You. It’s always you,” she replied, kissing your temple.

You smile lovingly at her. “I love you, Wanda.”

“And I love you, beautiful girl.”

And as the two of you sat there, snuggled up, and watched Bewitched, both of you were so grateful that Wanda had made room for another love.

[babyloposts]

MY HERO DAD-CANNONS

Summary: How my favorite boys would react to their child having a nightmare. Some single dad head cannons because my baby fever is back

Includes: Bakugou Katsuki, Midoriya Izuku, Kaminari Denki, Takami Keigo

Warnings: none, fluff, aged up characters, references to GN parent titles

———————————————————————

Bakugou:

He was up and down the hall as quickly as the first wail left his daughter’s mouth. He was desperately hoping that the screams were not from a villain trying to kidnap her.

He was relieved for only a second as he saw her safely tucked into bed as he left her earlier that night, but the worry came back as he saw her broken out in a cold sweat.

Careful not to startle her awake Katsuki rubbed her forehead gingerly removing the sweat and bangs from its place matted on the top of her head.

“Kid. Wake up.” His tone soft. The one he reserved only for her.

“Daddy?” Her brows furrowed and her eyelashes fluttered open to see a stoic yet comforting face.

“You okay? I think you were having a nightmare. Scared the hell out of me.” He chuckled, still soothing her as her breathing slowed.

“M-me too. I was so scared Dad. The monsters were trying to get me.”

“What monsters?” Katsuki feared the worst. What if she had seen a villain and they knew she was his kid. That could mean she was being watched and in danger. He couldn’t let anything happen to her.

“From the movie dad. The one I watched when hanging out with the Midoriya’s.” Bakugou’s face scrunched and his daughter winced in fear of being in trouble for watching a PG-13 movie.

“What’d I tell you about watching scary movies with Deku’s kid. Now look at you all scared with nightmares.” Bakugou scolded, but his expression softened. He was just glad she was safe.

“I’m sorry Dad. I won’t watch scary movies anymore. I don’t want any monsters to get me.”

“It’s okay. I promise I won’t let any monsters get you. They have to go through me first, alright squirt.” She nodded and gave Bakugou a small smile, knowing she was safe and in the most capable hands of the #2 hero.

Bakugou smoothed her hair back and placed a kiss to her forehead. “Love you squirt. Sweet Dreams.”

“I love you too Dad.”

———————————————————————

Midoriya:

Izuku is no stranger to weird dreams, but he had never expected his One for All induced visions to transfer to his daughter as well.

He wouldn’t even know if she hadn’t been weeping by his bedside at one in the morning.

“D-daddy.” A small voice warbled out next to Midoriya. His eyes shot open not expecting to see a teary eyed five year old only a few inches away from his face.

“What’s wrong Bubby?” Izuku quickly sat up in bed and moved to the edge of the bed, scooping the crying child into his arms.

“I had a bad dream.” She whimpered as he wiped the tears from her eyes.

“Aww I’m sorry.” He hugged her tightly to his chest rocking slightly to soothe her. “Do you want to talk about it?”

She nodded slightly before starting. “I was so scared Daddy. You were there and somebody—a bad man—stole your quirk away from you. He was too strong. And nobody would help you. Not even All Might. And I was too little to help you, Daddy and I’m so sorry.” And just like that the tears were flowing from her tear ducts again.

Izuku shushed her and started back trying to soothe her again. “Don’t worry, I’m right here, okay? I’m not going anywhere.” He brought his daughter back to her bedroom and tucked her into her Princess themed bed. “Are you comfy?” She asked and she nodded.

Izuku gave her a kiss to her temple before getting up to move to a bookshelf on the far side of the room. “Would you like to hear a story?” She nodded and Izuku climbed into the side of the bed and wrapped his arm around her.

Midoriya read the story book to her that were more kiddie versions of some of All Might’s best missions (even in fatherhood he was a total fanboy).

His daughter was knocked before he was even halfway through the book, the tales of heroism and safety lulling her into a peaceful sleep. Although she was peaceful and very cute Izuku had realized his grave mistake far too late.

His daughter was the lightest sleeper he knew. It would be almost impossible to remove himself from the bed without waking her up.

He tried several times to stand from the bed without causing her to stir, but ultimately failed and gave in to the reality that he’d be spending the night on the edge of a twin bed.

It wasn’t the most comfortable thing in the world, but Izuku would give up anything for his little girl, even the comforts of his own bed, to make her feel safe.

———————————————————————

Kaminari:

It took a lot to get Denki up, which wasn’t always a good thing having such a young child to look after. He was finally awoken by the third kick to his ribs by a little foot in bed.

“Ouch, what the-?” Denki whipped the blanket down to reveal a small body in the fetal position hunched against his side.

“Wha- hey Little Man. What happened? Why aren’t you sleeping in your big kid bed?”

The small boy was unmoving, pretending to be asleep to prevent being bothered or moved from his comfortable position.

“I know you’re not sleep, Buddy. Tell me what’s wrong. Please?” Finally Denki’s son’s head poked up from his arm shields and showed off his pouty face.

“I don’t want to sleep in my big kid. It’s too dark and scary in there. I don’t want to have bad dreams.” The child’s eyes started to water.

Denki sighed. “Bud, I thought we agreed that when you turned four you’d stop sleeping in Papa’s bed and sleep by yourself.”

“I don’t want to anymore. I’m scared. It’s too dark and you are too far away.” He whined. Denki knew that he was the age where he needed to start being able to self-soothe and sleep by himself, but he couldn’t deny his son. He was a good kid, maybe with a bit of separation anxiety, but all around he was pretty easy.

Denki’s nanny would probably scold him for babying his son, but he didn’t care. It’s not like Denki liked sleeping alone anyway.

“Bud, you can’t sleep down in the covers like that. You’ll get way too hot.” A small smile spread over Denki’s lips as his son shuffled his way up onto Denki’s chest with his arms wrapped around his neck in a death grip.

Denki chuckled once the grip loosened and rubbed his son’s back as he slipped into sleep. “Can we try sleeping in your big kid bed tomorrow night?” Denki whispered.

“I’ll try Papa, but no promises.” Denki chuckled and closed his eyes in content.

“That’s okay Buddy. I love you.”

“Love you too, Papa.”

———————————————————————

Takami Keigo:

Keigo really hoped that an intruder wasn’t in the house right now. He knew it was irrational to think, but stranger things have happened, plus he was already worked up from the last patrol he went on last night where he fought a surprisingly difficult villain.

Stealthily Kei climbed out of bed and sent a feather flying into the kitchen where the noise was coming from to scope out the intruder.

When he heard a high pitched scream and low thud he was actually more relieved than worried.

He rushed from behind his bedroom door out to see his son sat on the ground in front of the open refrigerator.

“The hell are you doing up? It’s 2 AM!” Keigo whisper yelled to ensure he didn’t bother the neighbors.

“Sorry Dad. I was hungry.”

“What are you still hungry for? You basically ate a whole chicken by yourself for dinner. At this rate keeping up with your eating habits cost more than the rent.” Takami chided, but he couldn’t be too mad, his son was a growing boy and they needed their sustenance.

“I’m sorry Dad. I just woke up and wanted a snack that’s all.” That’s what he said, but the glossiness in his son’s eyes gave him away.

Keigo bent over to pick up the food that had fallen out of the fridge and grab a carton of ice cream out of the freezer along with two spoons. His son watched his father intently as he moved to the kitchen island to sit and patted the stool next to him.

“Come sit down and have your snack.” Keigo sighed. Reluctantly his son sat down beside him and grabbed a spoon scooping into the slightly freezer burnt cookies and cream.

“So tell me what’s really going on. You wouldn’t tear up just from me knocking you on your ass earlier.” His son’s eyes grew wide, surprised that his dad had noticed that small detail.

“There’s nothing wrong.”

“I know when you’re lying to me Kid. So just go ahead and tell me.” Kei said wrapping an arm around his son’s shoulders.

He took a deep breath before finally caving. “I... I had a dream about Baba. When they died.” Keigo’s usual cocky demeanor faded away and his eyes softened as he recalled the painful memory.

“Wow.” Keigo said as he cleared his throat. “That uh... hasn’t happened for a while. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault Dad. I just wished... I don’t know. I just miss them a lot.” He began to tear up again. Keigo sighed. It has been almost seven years since his significant other died tragically from cancer. Their son was just a kid then. What Five year old can really comprehend that and grieve a parent properly. Since then Kei’s been doing his best as a single Dad, but maybe he should have talked about them more.

“I know you miss them Kid. I do too. I miss them everyday, but you remind me of them. You’ve got the same face and spirit they had, so it’s like a little piece of ‘em is always with us. They’re in you.” Keigo’s grip tightened around his son’s shoulder and he left a comforting rub up and down his forearm.

“I know sayin all this isn’t going to bring them back, but just know they’re always in your heart and they loved you very much.”

“Thanks Dad.”

“No problem Kid. Just finish your ice cream and get to bed. I don’t want you late for school in the morning.”

His son nodded. Keigo stood from the island and ruffled the hair of his son before depositing his dirty spoon in the sink. Before he made it all the way to his bedroom a voice rang out behind him.

“I love you Dad.”

Keigo smiled softly. “Love you too Kid.”

[beyondspaceandstars]

While You Sleep

Chapter 8

Relationship: Bucky Barnes x Reader Warnings: fluff, mentions of violence Summary: Soulmate!AU - Throughout life, you’re given glimpses of your soulmate through dreams. As you sleep, memories flash in your mind showing you the life your soulmate has lived. Everyone around you raves about how their soulmate reads great books or volunteers in their spare time. But you can’t relate as your dreams end up being more like nightmares. Through initial images of death and violence, you come to learn your soulmate is the Winter Soldier. 

(a/n: i promise i have other writings in the work outside this fic kdsfjlajdf i maybe have part 2 of ‘Around Your Neck’ coming up............)

Masterlist | Series Masterlist

You spent the rest of your night trying to redial Bucky’s number. Every single time you just got his voicemail, eventually filling it to the max with pleas for him to call you back. You apologized countless times through texts, begging him to not feel bad and to let you two sit down and discuss it.

But he had really gone radio silence. 

The only real beacon of hope for you was that you could still feel him. You still felt that attachment, the connection of soulmates. He hadn’t totally pushed you out, at least. That was all you could see as far as positives. 

As you went to bed that night, the darkness of the situation was still encompassing you. Even the world seemed to be upset with it as the second you laid your head down, it began storming. 

You fell asleep to sounds of rain hitting the windows and thunder booming across the city. The nightmares engulfed you once more with no signs of your Bucky making appearances this time. Instead, the feelings of dread ran through your body. Bone, skin, blood, and all. It was like an old friend coming to visit. 

The images were nearly the same as well as the asset was back using his knives and terrorizing unsuspecting victims. You couldn’t fight but why would you? You felt lost and defeated as you were engrossed in the metaphorical trenches of the life and missions of the Winter Soldier.

***

You had only been asleep for a few hours when your phone started ringing. Slightly thankful the sound pulled you awake before you had to see another man slaughtered, you jumped up from your bed, diving for the phone. 

The screen shone brightly in the dark of night. It was him. You nearly cried out as you hit ‘accept.’

“Bucky?”

“Can you let me in?” His voice was slowly getting drowned out by the rain. You frowned, confused.

Heading to your front door, you popped your head out, looking down the stairs at the building’s entrance. Bucky was staring at the ground outside. “What are you doing?”

“Waiting for you to let me in.” He finally looked up, meeting your eyes through the glassdoor. It was not exactly a pretty sight. He looked tormented standing there damp from the rain. You couldn’t speak, just nodded and hung up. Without much care for your current state, draped in an oversized t-shirt and sleeping shorts, you ran down the stairs. 

Once you unlocked the door, Bucky entered the lobby without so much of a glance at you. Wordlessly, you walked back up the stairs to your apartment, letting Bucky follow.

You introduced him to your apartment, showing him the couch where he could take a seat. This certainly was not how you expected his first time in your home would be but you didn’t have much time to mourn it. 

You opted to stay standing, watching as Bucky shifted uncomfortably. He wouldn't look at you yet but you could feel the anger radiating from him. You didn’t know what to do now.

“D-Do y-you want any water or something?” 

Bucky shook his head. “I’m sorry I hung up on you.”

Sighing, you said, “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I know, I know,” He insisted, sounding so defeated. He leaned back on the couch, staring up at the ceiling, contemplating. “It’s just… After yesterday morning, I thought I understood what you…you had seen but I didn’t want to accept it, okay? I didn’t want to think it was true. I wanted to believe that my fucking soulmate was learning the better things about me. Actual things about me, not...not that goddamn monster they created.”

A familiar ache came over you hearing his words. This must’ve been really a lot for him if he finally said the word. You didn’t even have time to celebrate it.

You couldn’t help yourself as you crossed the living room and took a seat next to him on the couch like something was actually pulling you to him. He was still staring at the ceiling while you turned towards him, fingers uncontrollably fiddling in nervousness. 

“I didn’t want to tell you,” you admitted. “At first they were everything in my life, inescapable. The nightmares-,”

Bucky cut you off with a scoff. “Nightmares.”

You frowned. “I’m sorry, I know that’s unfair to you for me to describe them like that but they weren’t exactly pleasant,” you said. “The nightmares were everywhere and...and the feelings, the images… Even just tonight they-,”

His head whipped towards you. “You still have them?”

“Bucky, you need to let me speak.” He nodded and you tried to collect yourself before continuing, “Everything, from the emotions to the images of those terrifying things, hit me hard, and while, yes, it’s scary and it’s been scary for a very, very long time… I don’t think it should completely matter. I can’t change them - you certainly can’t change them - and they definitely do not represent the man sitting next to me in any way, shape, or form.”

Bucky's hard expression got softer at your reassurance. You had told him this yesterday morning but you felt now you were actually getting somewhere. You were getting your thoughts out there and maybe, just maybe, he’d accept them as facts.

His tone was rough but his words were soft as he began to speak again. “I told you that while you’re with me you won’t ever be hurt or have to worry.” You nodded, remembering the promise in passing. “So it kills me that I can’t fix this. I-I didn’t know about all that, really, and it’s hard realizing you’ve had to deal with consequences from my actions. You don’t deserve this, you don’t deserve anything like this.”

You tried to muster up a small smile, trying to assure Bucky you were okay. He didn’t look convinced, though. 

“It’s not ideal, no,” you shrugged, “but it’s leading me to you, so, maybe there’s something in it. I think Fate knows what it’s doing, at least most of the time.”

A little smile just barely formed on Bucky’s lips. It wasn’t much but at least he didn’t look like he was ready to punch a wall in your already run-down apartment. 

“Besides, it’s not all bad,” you continued, wanting to at least bring something positive to this conservation. Bucky raised his brows, curiously. “I did have a nice dream that night after dinner. I saw you reading.”

He looked almost relieved. “I guess all we can do is hope those continue.” A beat. “I’m amazed you even allowed me in your apartment.” 

Your jaw went slack, unsure of where this statement was coming from. “Well of course I do. Why wouldn’t I want that?”

Bucky turned away and that rough look of his came back. Your attempts to lighten everything were taking a nosedive apparently, but you couldn’t ask him to avoid or suppress his feelings. You guessed it was better to get these things out in the open.

Bucky eventually asked, “How can you just be okay with everything?” 

This time, you looked away, turning to look out the window opposite of you two. The rain was still coming down steadily. “You haven’t really given me a reason to not be okay with everything.”

Your words were bold, the conversation was bold, and to keep with the theme, you boldly grabbed his hand to hold. You ran your thumb over the back of it in circular motions, trying to calm him. He didn’t pull away, thankfully. 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I-I get nervous about all this.”

You chuckled softly, “Me too.”

Bucky hummed, contently. He leaned in a bit closer to you and gave your hand a squeeze. You shifted into his side, wrapping your other hand around his arm, accepting the closeness of you two. 

You decided to break the comfortable silence, trying your magic once again to carry a brighter conversation. “Why didn’t you tell Steve about us?”

Unexpectedly, Bucky chuckled lowly at the question. Your interest peaked greatly. 

“Forgive me if I just want to explore all this new territory with you and only you.” 

“New territory?”

You didn’t have to look at him to know he was rolling his eyes. “You just want me to say it again.”

You let out a fake, dramatic gasp. “James, you’re ridiculous.”

You heard him chuckle. His body shifted slightly closer to you. “I want to explore this… this soulmate thing with you. Only you. At least for now. Down the line, I have no problem showing you off but for now… It’s us.”

Soulmate. Us. 

The words rang happily in your ears. Now it really felt real. Him acknowledging it truly, wholeheartedly, and not just in the heat of an argument made shivers run through your body. 

“Us,” you repeated, a goofy grin unable to be suppressed came about on your lips. “I’m okay with that.” You let out a bit of a dreamy sigh. “You know, this all feels really new and really old at the same time.”

Bucky chuckled, “I think that’s how these things work, right?” His other hand came to lay on top of yours gently. “We feel like we’ve known each other for years because, well, I think in some twisted way we kind of have.”

You contemplated the idea, realizing you felt that very deeply. You had and had not known him for almost your whole life. While Bucky wasn’t in the exact form you learned about him in, there was something within him, the actual him, you felt you knew like the back of your hand. 

“We need to go out again,” you finally said, worried continuing with such sentiments would make you emotional for the millionth time tonight. Bucky seemed to welcome this change.

“Are you asking me out on a second date, sweetheart?”

Butterflies filled your stomach. “Well, you weren’t making any move to do it,” you shrugged, shooting Bucky a playful look. He responded with a dramatic eye roll. 

“Maybe I like a woman who takes charge,” he said, shooting you an award-winning, knowing smirk. 

You gasped, your neck suddenly getting hot. Actually, you felt much of yourself getting warm from the little innuendo hidden within his tone. Words were suddenly getting lost on your tongue as your brain short-circuited. You mumbled, “A second date could definitely be fun.”

Bucky let out a room-filling laugh at your sudden nervousness. The twinkle in his eyes told you he would enjoy making these little teasing comments to you from now on. 

“How about tomorrow night, doll? Good night for a second date, don’t you think? Assuming you actually want to see me after tonight’s fiasco.”

You nodded, ignoring his self-deprecation. You couldn’t talk it out of him so actions maybe had to speak louder. “What should we do?”

Bucky waved a hand in dismissal. “You let me handle it. I’ll surprise you.”

“I thought you liked it when a woman took charge?” Now your smirk was just as evil and mischievous. Bucky raised his brows in surprise but rolled with it. He had quite the silver tongue you found. 

“Sure do,” he said, “but a man still has to make sure he takes care of his lady, too.”

You giggled and cozied up into his side, very much enjoying the sound of that. “Fine. Take the reins, Bucky.”

[gamesbyalbie]

Mousetrap was super engaging! I can’t wait to see how it fleshes out. What sorts of inspiration do you draw on for your writing?

Aw thank you so much, groggydog!!

I'm a really scattered person with lots of unrelated special interests. So, for me, inspiration comes from all over the damn place.

In general, myths (ancient and modern), religion, and philosophy are some of my biggest sources of inspiration (ex., the cave scene in Mousetrap). Plus, literal or figurative depictions of monsters/monstrosity are present in pretty much everything I do. Movies, shows, anime, books, etc. are also big sources of inspo for me. In particular, Mousetrap drew a lot from Saw, It Chapter Two, and Disney movies. I think DC's The Scarecrow and that one level in Arkham Asylum impacted the nightmare stuff as well as classic RPG Maker horror games like Ib, The Witch's House, and Misao. Dimension 20 Fantasy High: Sophomore Year had a big impact (and one of the two new nightmares in the next update is directly inspired by a character from that show). Finally, I think that some of my favorite Victorian sci-fi stories like the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, The Invisible Man, and Frankenstein had some impact on Mousetrap too.

However, Mousetrap is really unique for me in that everything is first and foremost based in personal experience (I've semi-jokingly described it as the closest I'll ever get to memoir). When I came up with the idea, my goal wasn't to create a horror game based on a premise like Saw, etc., it was just to tell the story of my time working at Disney World twisted to make it fictional (and due to my experience, it naturally evolved into surreal horror). In addition to the literal life experiences it draws from, all my dominant fears, anxieties, and insecurities are present in this story. The characters are made from splintered fragments of myself and memories of people I've known through the years (particularly those I knew during that period of my life). I've felt lost for a long time and like I lost a large part of myself, but writing Mousetrap has allowed me to feel like I've reclaimed my own narrative and, with that, regained some of what I'd lost.

So, uh... Sorry, that got a bit heavy. But, yeah. For me, Mousetrap is really unique in terms of inspiration. It's not unusual for me to base themes, plot lines, or characters on things I deal with, experiences I've had, or people I've met; but I almost feel like I lived Mousetrap and this is just me taking my internal experience and sharing it with others.

Okay, that's about all I'll bore you with 😅 And sorry for taking so long to respond, it took me a while to get my thoughts in order. Thanks again! 💜